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Despair. My Love, I Will Save You

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I was there again, that last perfect day, the beautiful sun in the sky shining through the trees of our school grounds almost glittering down upon us. Was it so beautiful then? Was it so perfect? It always was when I dreamt of it. He looked beautiful; he was beautiful. He was crazy and often made me feel like shit because he looked down on me since I had no talent, but I was still drawn to him. He would say we were the same but still acted like he was above me but sometimes… sometimes he forgot about his own ideals. Sometimes when we were alone, behind closed doors… he forgot about all that, he forgot I was just a Reserve Course Student. He forgot about his own ideals and focussed on us. Focussed on just being us. That last perfect day, before it turned to chaos, and we lost everything. We were eating lunch together as we often tried to do so. It was sometimes difficult since he was an Ultimate and I was just a Reserve Course Student and they liked to keep us separate, but it was one of those times. His voice was still so clear in my head.

“Hajime… you must be pretty lonely to still spend your time with a nobody like me, maybe it’s because you’re as worthless as I am,” he said with a big smile.

“Nagito, you are not a nobody, neither am I,” I replied.

“Yeah, but all I have is my luck which is pretty terrible when it hurts those around me. That good luck, bad luck cycle I told you about before,” he laughed “and then you, well, you have no talent whatsoever, heh, you have nothing.” he would say.

“A person without an Ultimate Talent isn’t left with nothing, Nagito,”
“I’m worthless… you are too! We’re perfect for each other!” he would say. No, that is not why I am with you… I would slap my forehead with my palm. His ideals were never mine, but I did love him, even when he was rambling in this way.
“Nagito, I choose to spend my time with you, I couldn’t care less if you were an Ultimate or another Reserve Course, or from another school altogether, I look forward to spending time with you. Would you please get that into your head?” I asked him annoyed, and he looked at me a little dumbfounded before he laughed.

“Wow, Hajime… do you see me as your Hope?” he asked, and I remember feeling annoyed and praying he was not about to go into one of his monologues about Hope.

“What? No, I just… like you…” I know I blushed.

“Oh,” he looked a little awkward for a minute too, “so, what is your Hope? How far are you willing to go for your Hope? You still idolise the Ultimates, right? Just like I do, otherwise your parents wouldn’t have shelled out all that money for you to get into here, right? They are the Hope of Humanity, living symbols of Hope.” he asked, his blue eyes were wide, a big smile on his face.

“I can never be an Ultimate but yeah, I do respect you all,”

“Oh! Me too?” he asked surprised.

“Well yeah, Nagito, your luck is weird and… kinda scary but it’s still cool…” I was blushing again. He laughed. He was laughing at me. Bastard!

“Hajime, we are the same because I look up to them all too, my luck is a curse, right? It isn’t really a talent, I’m not actually good at anything. My talent is… worthless just like me. Trash.” he said with a smile, but I knew behind that smile was sadness. I still, to this day do not know what made me get so soppy with him that time but it was our last perfect day and perhaps that was part of it, I hadn’t known it was our last day unless I had sixth sense and knew subconsciously. I took his hand and made him look at me.

“Nagito, even if you feel worthless, you’ll never be worthless to me.” His smile. Those tears he tried to hide. That shining sun… it was glittering down upon us… on that last… perfect day… until I lost him. Nagito Komaeda…

 

**

I woke in my bed; I had that dream again. I have lots of dreams which force me to relive memories. Good or bad memories, I woke depressed, it didn’t matter. Nagito. Why did you have to go? Despair had taken him from me. He was either dead or… worse. I had not been able to save him. Why? What kind of man was I if I could not protect the man I loved? I was worthless. I had no talent. Perhaps I could have protected him if I had talent… protected him… from the end of the world….