Severus Snape laid awake in the cool dungeons of his living quarters, tossing and turning. He preferred the silence and solitude that it had to offer, for he was never one to like crowded and noisy areas. He kept his window open at night, feeling the crisp air nip at his half nude body.
Time to himself was quite limited for the Half-Blood Prince, with the world lying on his shoulders. Snape couldn’t necessarily show it, but everyday was filled with stress and torture. He was making up for his past, though the ghosts still haunted him with every nightmare. His whole life was filled with sorrow and regret, never being able to truly be happy. He had wanted to enjoy the magic and love that the wizarding world had to offer, dreaming of it as a kid, but that all got taken from him.
From the day he was born, his muggle father, Tobias, despised him. His father acted as though his whole family was a burden. He and his mother were both abused and degraded. Snape had to fend for himself, while also being neglected by his mother. They were dirt poor, barely being able to put food on the table or buy proper clothing. Often he would spend his days outside, away from his parents, too embarrassed by the way he looked and too outcasted to be in the public eye.
Nature was his favorite setting in his childhood. He would spend his days behind trees playing with animals and swimming in the river. The other outlet he had was the practice of the Dark Arts. The Dark Arts gave him a sense of power. He wanted to feel in control of something. His home life treated him so wrongly, and he could do nothing about it but sit and endure. Magic was the only way he could feel greater than his father. His father was wrong, he thought. Being a wizard does make him special. “I am not a worthless little shit. I have potential to do great things,” he would tell himself this mantra, over and over in his head while staring at the mirror. His eyes welled with tears after being screamed at by his father. Usually he did nothing wrong to get treated this way. Half the time he didn’t even say anything. He had learnt at a very young age that the way of survival was to stay quiet and sit curled up in the corner while his parents fought. When he tried to stand up for his mother, Tobias had heard enough and lashed out at Severus. He told him how disgusting of a son he was. How happy he was that Severus was going to go to Hogwarts so he wouldn’t have to see his greasy face for a while. How he was worthless and “if he didn’t keep his trap shut he was going to get another fucking beating so hard it would make his head spin”. The Dark Arts that Snape became fascinated with was a way for him to feel good at something. It really made him happy and was a way to get his mind off of things. He wanted to learn all he could. It was the only time he felt at peace.
That was until Lily stepped into his life.
Lily Evans was a muggle born witch who lived with her parents and sister. She never knew she was a witch until she met Snape. Her sister Petunia was jealous of her, and often called her a freak for her accidental use of magic. She too, felt outcasted, but Snape was able to prove to her that her abilities were in fact a wondrous thing. In return she showed him the first bit of love and acceptance that he had ever felt in his entire life. She was the one to give him hope. She was the one to show him purity and goodness. Throughout the years before Hogwarts, they were the best of friends. Severus always knew that he loved her then, but was never able to say it. The fear of losing her would be more heart wrenching than continuing to have a hidden love. It hurt him to not tell her the truth, but at least they could be friends and go to school together. There, he knew, they would both feel accepted.
Boy, was he wrong. Lily did great in school. She was put in the Gryffindor house, and Snape was sorted into Slytherin. He thought that was what he wanted, where he could finally be himself without judgement. Sure, Lily didn’t approve of his practice of Dark magic. But she didn’t understand why he really did it. Despite this, she never judged him like his pathetic excuse of a father did.
Because Snape was sorted into the rival house of Lily’s, they grew apart. And then there was mister James Potter…
Oh, how Severus hated James. And who could blame him? From day one, James and his friends, a.k.a. the marauders, bullied Snape. First off, James was rich. Snape was not. Second, James was a jock who had good looks. Snape had none of those qualities. And third, Snape was a Slytherin who was interested in the Dark Arts, both of which James hated. Premeditated hatred boiled in James’ blood, and was directed onto Severus being that he was so connected to Lily. James also began to like Lily, this was an issue between the two. You can see where this went.
Every single year at Hogwarts became another torture, with cruel pranks being pulled on Snape by the marauders and the horrible nickname they made for him of “Snivelllus” which was used multiple times daily. James’ popularity got the whole school against him and everyone knew him by that exact nickname. At the same time Lily became oblivious to how bad the bullying was getting, which was almost at the point of being considered abuse. She saw both sides, and had sympathy for both boys. She was in the middle of two friendships. Snape would defend himself, but Lily only saw that as him fueling the fire. He would plead with her to understand how bad James was. She didn’t see it like that. He felt as though Lily was being taken from him. Every adult in the school turned a blind eye too, because James was such an attribution to the school's goals.
Everyone loved James, and left Snape feeling cold and miserable. Snape was smart, yet nobody gave him that credit. He wasn’t a jock, and that made him jealous. It seemed as though nobody was happy with who he really was.
Snape felt as though he was alone, and had no safe place. School was bad, home was bad. He turned closer to the Dark Arts, making a curse so deadly that it could defend himself against the marauders were he to need to. He also became obsessed with following them around, trying to catch them doing something that could get them in trouble. Anything to give him leverage so that somebody would believe him. He wanted to finally be heard for once. Lily didn’t like this growing closeness Snape had with dark magic, yet Snape felt it was his only choice. She also thought he should apologize to James for certain things, and thank him from when he saved Severus from Lupin in his werewolf state. Snape knew that the only reason James saved him from death that night was because he didn’t want to get Sirius Black and himself expelled and sent to Azkaban for murder. He also wanted to keep Remus Lupin’s secret of being a werewolf untold, because society saw werewolves as an unaccepted taboo. Snape tried to explain this to Lily as well, yet she disagreed. She only saw James for how she wanted to. She may have not wanted to date James at the time, but she didn’t see him as a devil.
Snape continued his ways. And thank Merlin he did. His absolute worst memory was when James and his friends suspended him up into the air, unarmed from his wand and defenseless. James pulled down his pants and his whole lower half was exposed in front of everyone. He had never been more humiliated. For a split second, Lily’s mouth twinged as if she wanted to laugh at him like this. She then got James to put him down. James tried to manipulate Lily to get her to go out with him, saying that if she did, only then would he leave Snape alone.
But Lily told him off and refused, thinking he was disgusting for his behavior. At the time she wanted nothing to do with him.
Despite this, Snape was already too far gone. He used his invented spell to give James a laceration, but didn’t use the spell to its full potential - this time it was only a warning. He was absolutely sick and tired of his life. He was tired of Lily not hearing him. Sick of being bullied and abused, treated like dogshit. And he was crushed by what James had done to him. James Potter had indeed gone too far that day. And Snape definitely had enough.
He lashed out at Lily, and called her a mudblood. This was a horrible word, this he knew. But Snape had lost control of himself because of what had happened. And he regretted it for the rest of his life. He begged for Lily’s forgiveness. He never meant to call her that awful word. He didn’t mean it one bit. He was vulnerable at that moment and made a mistake. He was just angry and frustrated. But she never forgave him, and cut him off from her life.
Once again heartbroken, Snape left after he graduated. Lily married James and had a baby. Snape was left depressed, and continued to develop PTSD. His one and only love married his seven plus year childhood bully. He had a few other mental scars and disorders too, and felt lost. He thought he hated humans, too. His father was one, and he was evil. Lily was a muggleborn, and look how that turned out. Confused at his own life, he joined Voldemort and became a death eater. There he felt somewhat accepted. It raised his spirits for a bit. He also was able to finally enjoy his youth, being able to party with the death eaters and get a taste of adulthood. Drugs, alcohol, and sex temporarily patched his broken self. But not for long. He put his faith and trust into the wrong side.
He half heard a prophecy of Voldemort one day being defeated by a boy, and Voldemort was convinced it was Lily and James Potter’s son, Harry. Snape realized he messed up. Voldemort intended to kill Lily as well as her family. He had wanted to serve the Dark Lord well because he got praised. Snape never felt praised like that before, and in a way he felt like he mattered. He had thought he was doing a good thing for Voldemort by saving him from his downfall with this prophecy. But now that Lily was involved, he felt as if this was all his fault. He would never be able to live with himself if Lily was murdered.
Snape went to Dumbledore, and they made an agreement that Snape would be a double agent, or spy, for both sides, and that if Snape stayed on the right path and quit his death eater ways, he would, in return protect, Lily. Snape was willing to do anything to save her. He also hated the person he was becoming. He realized that this hatred he had been carrying around with him was making him bad. Snape was willing to do the right thing out of love.
Lily and James, too, put their faith in the wrong side. They listened to one of their friends in the marauder group, Peter Pettigrew, who was a loyal death eater out of fear, unlike Snape, who wished to change sides. Pettigrew led them right to Voldemort, giving them a false sense of sanctuary. Lily gave her life to protect her son, and died. Voldemort's curse latched onto the only living thing that was left, as he had killed James earlier that night. Harry was the only living person there, and part of Voldemort transferred to Harry the night he got his scar. A part of Voldemort lived in him.
Because of Lily’s sacrifice, the death spell rebound resulting in Harry becoming “the boy who lived.” Pettigrew’s actions of betrayal to the Potter’s interfered with Dumbledore and Snape’s original agreement to keep them safe.
Snape had asked Voldemort to spare Lily, and he agreed he would, but it wasn’t successful in the end. Voldemort was only willing to save Lily if she stepped down and allowed him to kill Harry. Voldemort never understood the concept of love. A motherly love made no sense to him. He was an evil racist who would do anything for power. In his eyes, her death was her own demise.
Voldemort thought that Snape could find another woman easily, that she wasn’t right for him anyways, and life would move on. Problem solved.
But no, Snape never moved on. His love for Lily was as deep as it could get. He was completely dedicated to her.
When he saw Lily had died, his whole world crashed. He clung onto her dead body and rocked her in his arms while he sobbed loudly. He had no words at that moment, just deep and piercing pain. It was the most pain he had ever felt.
He had wanted to kill himself. Nothing had mattered to him anymore. He was a monster in his own eyes. Maybe Tobias was right. He felt that he was responsible for her death. He could no longer live with himself anymore.
Dumbledore told Snape that it would do no good to commit suicide. He told him that he could contribute to saving the wizarding world. That he could protect Harry every day and also continue to be a double agent. Snape was a very skilled man, and had abilities like none other, especially in his position with Voldemort. If anyone were to do it, it had to be Snape. “The boy has Lily’s eyes,” Albus reminded him.
Severus worked at Hogwarts, being one of the youngest professors ever to teach there. At first he worked there as a spy for Voldemort, but then became a spy for Dumbledore while still pretending to be loyal to the Dark Lord. He also protected Harry and the Golden Trio throughout their years at school. He was a Potions Master, but wanted to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (DADA). He never knew why he was denied the job every year, but the real reason was because it was cursed by Voldemort. No one person have the job for more than a year.
This year he was teaching the course.
Snape risked his life day after day, giving his all, everything he had including his reputation, for love. And he became a better person in doing so. He learned more about people, love, values, and dropped his previous death eater beliefs. He still enjoyed the Dark Arts, but respected them in a different aspect, and not out of power or violence. He turned good, and lived in the darkest of days and went through constant despair for 17 years so that there could be a world without Voldemort, who was as evil as it gets. Snape was extremely brave.
But now he faced a greater sort of problem. He had to kill Albus Dumbledore in a few months. It was December, and he couldn’t stop worrying about what was to come. He would have to kill a friend, one of the only people who trusted him and who could know about what was actually going on behind the scenes. He would have to kill someone who guided him and treated him like a son. Dumbledore was already dying from a curse, and they both knew killing him was the only way the Dark Lord would trust Severus completely. It was terrifying.
He also knew that after this, he was in deep. Everyone would see him as a traitor. He would have to be careful not to let his guard down to protect his people, while simultaneously continuing to fool Voldemort about his true intentions. His mind had to be focused on not letting the Dark Lord see through him. Every move had to be thought out. He had to seem composed, now more than ever, needing to hide all his pain. He would be unable to vent to anyone about his struggles. He was going to be alone, and all of this was exhausting.
He also just learnt that Harry must die, and that Dumbledore was essentially raising Harry Potter like a pig for slaughter. The full prophecy stated that Harry must die in order for Voldemort to falter. Snape had spent all this time protecting Harry, and in a way saw him as his own son, or something similar to it. Most importantly, he loved Lily and knew that this was his way of apologizing and redeeming himself. He had a big job ahead of him as usual, but now that he learnt this, it shattered yet another piece of him, one of the very few pieces that he still had left.
He was tired of fighting, but knew he couldn’t stop, as much as he had told Albus he wished to back out. He knew he needed to do this. He was not the man he once was as a young lad.
This is why Snape lay awake at night, his insomnia taking over. He was always awake nowadays, overthinking about his life, almost every time ending in tears. Some nights he would get up for a walk until exhaustion overtook him. Nightmares would proceed to plague his dreams. Other nights he would put a silencing charm on his quarters and scream and sob loudly in the shower or in bed cuddling a pillow, over and over pleading that he was sorry to Lily.
Most people thought he hated Harry Potter, including Harry himself. This was just not true.
Well, at least in the beginning it was true. He hated how much Harry resembled James. It triggered his PTSD, and reminded him of what James had taken from him. It reminded him of what he could have had with Lily. And how people still saw James as a good man, and told Harry this all the time. It gave Snape horrible thoughts of his school years that sent him down a rabbit hole of depression. This was why he treated Harry so poorly.
In addition, he had a cover to keep. If he got too close to Harry, Voldemort would be suspicious. And with everything else going on in his life, he didn’t get the best track record with his students, but at the end of the day, he was going through so much.
But now he saw Harry as less of his father, and more of his mother. Harry really did have his mothers eyes. And when he went into Snape’s memories, Harry saw what his father did to him.
Harry never laughed, but in fact looked in horror at Snape’s worst memory. Somebody was now seeing the truth.
Harry was told that his father was an extraordinary man, but when he saw Snape’s take on him, he felt ashamed for saying James was all of those great things. Harry almost agreed that his father was an arrogant swine. From that moment on their relationship changed, and Snape saw Harry differently. They had more in common than he thought, especially in their home lives.
All he had ever wanted was to feel truly loved. He wanted to feel important in the world, make a difference, and show people like his father that he was valuable. He wanted to marry Lily and have a family. He wanted to own a small cottage house that was next to a beautiful river with flowers, and a family pet frolicking around the backyard while the kids played. He and Lily would watch through the window, smiling at each other and kissing, feeling grateful for what they have together.
He yearned for this, yet knew he could never have it.
Tonight though, was an odd night. It was Christmas Eve, and Snape went through his normal nightly routine. But when he lay awake and had a good cry, he still could not fall asleep. He felt as though he deserved a little personal time.
The awful, anticipated times to come were inevitable, so he tried not to worry about it just yet.
Snape felt a small twinge at his lower region while the cool air sent chills up his body.
He would try to treat himself every so often. But with all the stress lately, he barely had time to take care of his natural urges. Plus, he thought this could be his Christmas gift to himself.
Snape would often fight off erections, feeling too tired or sad to listen to his body.
But not tonight. Tonight, he would finally relieve all of his pent up tension.
His balls were feeling heavy, and his black pajama pants were becoming constrictive with his hard erection. He decided to undress, getting completely naked. He desperately needed to cum. It was a necessity at this point.
He had never understood the controversy behind masturbation. His testicles would become sore if he didn’t at least do it twice a week. He had quite the sex drive and made sure to set enough time aside to pleasure himself. At least, that’s how it used to be before things got really hectic. His balls felt like rocks now.
Being a potions master, he was very skillful in making his own lubrication. He opened his nightstand drawer, and removed the bottle, squeezing a generous amount onto his hand. Settling back under the covers, he relished the feel of the silk sheets on his nude form, before reaching the lubed hand down to himself, sighing at the attention he was giving.
To be honest, he didn’t even need to use the lube. His cock was weeping, with his own precum already dripping heavily out of his slit. This was an added bonus.
He began to move his hand up and down his shaft, not being able to hold back a few moans.
Severus was controlled in his demeanor, but in the bedroom he was different. In the bedroom, he felt relaxed and felt free to react accordingly to the pleasure.
He knew the longer he denied himself, the better the intensity would be, and he would moan more than usual. He deemed it a good idea to put another silencing spell on his rooms to ensure no one would hear.
He was relieved that he could let some of his control go, and just be in the moment. It was comforting to pleasure his firm cock, and he felt safe. He could let his mind wander, feeling good and thinking about Lily and her glorious body.
He thought about her beautiful curves. Her long, strawberry red hair covering her perky tits while she bounced up and down his penis. Her hips rocking back and forth while he held onto her plump ass, with her moaning how good he felt and how she never wanted it to end.
Snape thought about how he would hold onto her so tight, and look into her eyes as they fucked, telling her how special she was to him, and how he would have her forever. She would then smile, giving him a long and indulgent kiss, while he held onto her even tighter and pumped into her from the bottom.
He thought about how warm and inviting her pussy would be. How he would glide right in, her warm cunt feeling perfect and tight, hugging his length as he told her how well they fit together.
Severus found himself speeding up his hand at these erotic thoughts, but he somehow had enough willpower to stop right before he exploded. He didn’t want to cum so fast, he wanted to savor this. It felt too good.
He was really horny, having not done this in a while. He knew his cum was going to be thick, and the release would be incredible.
Severus kept moving his hand, trying to imitate Lily’s warm hole, making him lose his mind at the pleasure. It was smart of him to put a silencing charm on, he thought, or else the whole dungeons would be echoing with grunting and groaning.
He kept going, until his large cock was begging to let it all out. He needed this, needed to feel something other than pain.
His body was asking for this for weeks, and it was refusing to be denied an orgasm this time. He deserved this.
Snape wiggled underneath the blankets, feeling too good to stay still. He kept wanking until he felt the beginning of his peak.
Severus cursed as he came, feeling the pleasure flow through his entire body. He couldn’t help but moan after feeling spurts of hot sperm burst from his member, his body thanking him for giving into his desires.
His cumshot was enormous.
It was almost primal as he felt the last wave of his glory, gripping onto the sheets and panting after all of his hard work.
Flushed and feeling a bit dizzy, he lay there for a few minutes, smiling at the ceiling. He was sweaty, and as his dick softened, he realized that he needed to do this more. He was going through enough as it is, he shouldn't mistreat himself any more than he has to.
Jacking off was his way of comfort for a bit, and it was healthy. Comfort was far and few for him.
It also helped him fall asleep faster, and most of the time afterwards he didn’t have a nightmare. He promised that he would touch himself at least once a day - there was no need to be so stuffy.
Spelling his mess away, Severus soon fell asleep, feeling calm and cozy in his bed. For the time being, he was not letting his worries get to him. He knew he would be at peace, with Lily watching over him.
Tonight, all was well in the world of the Half-Blood Prince.