Chapter 1: R I S K || Aug 23
[ A U G U S T 23 • R I S K ] || Elliot x Olivia || 640 Words || Rating: T
"What do you mean, it's got minimal risks involved?" She was studying him over the top of her glasses. Her former partner was standing in front of her desk, a to-go cup clutched in his left hand, his naked ring finger was staring her in the face again. "Elliot, you're a single father, the only parent Eli has. What about Eli?"
"Maureen and Carl said he can stay with them." Elliot took a drink of his beverage and switched hands he was holding it in.
Olivia took off her glasses and put her fingers against her temple. "Going undercover, it never has minimal risks." She sighed, "I mean, really?"
"Liv, it's only two weeks."
"It's never two weeks." She sighed , "What am I supposed to do?"
They look of confusion on his face was almost enough to make her laugh, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, you literally just got back, we just started fixing things between us. We're exploring our options."
“There’s not a risk.” He paused, “I’m just going in to get information.”
“So you’re going to get information out of them in two weeks? C’mon, it takes months to get people to trust you in operations like this. Do they have guns?” she asks, leaning back in her chair.
“Drugs? Are they smuggling drugs?” she asks.
“Yes.” He shifts, taking another sip of his beverage.
“I’m not comfortable with this, - not at all.” She shakes her head, spinning her chair toward the right.
“Listen, you don’t have to be comfortable with it. I’m just doing my job. I thought you would understand.” His eyes darkened a shade while he surveyed the way her jaw clenched, the way her eyes closed at his accusation that she didn’t have to be comfortable with it.
“You were retired, Elliot. Safe. Secure. Alive.” she countered.
“I got bored.” He answers, shaking his head and pacing back and forth. She now turns her chair toward him and watches him walk back and forth with her arms crossed over her chest.
“For fu-“ she slammed her hand down on the top of the desk, “I’m not willing for you to take the risk. I don’t want to lose you.” she angrily whispers, “Not again and definitely not permanently.” Her eyes were a raging fire.
He scrunched his nose at this admission, and his eyes widened. “Wait a minute. A risk you’re willing to take?...” he trailed off. “Just wait a damn minute, Olivia.”
She stood now, with her fingertips on the top of the desk, her shoulders squared, looking at him with her brows furrowed. She tapped the top of her desk with her fist twice and then walked around, removing the cup out of his hands and swallowing the last sip of his hot chocolate?
“Olivia. Liv.” She didn’t respond to him, she just stood there, her chest rising and falling in deep breaths. “Dammit, Olivia.”
“Elliot. Are you willing to risk never…” she leaned into him, placing her hands on his shoulders and bringing her lips next to his ear so only he could hear what she was saying. When she leaned back, she smiled to herself because his eyes had widened exponentially and he groaned. She took his cup and tossed it in the garbage can next to her desk and then sat back down, watching as he pulled out his cell phone.
“So,” He sighed, “It’s not worth the risk. I’ll tell them to send someone else.” He pulls out his phone and dials Ayanna, “I can’t do this operation, Sarge. There’s no one available to watch Eli.”
She just took a gamble but her risk was worth it, and she would benefit from the payoff.
Chapter 2: S I C K || Aug 24
Day 2 Prompt: Sick
[ A U G U S T 24 • S I C K] || ELLIOT X OLIVIA || 335 words || Rating: T
Elliot Stabler stood outside the door to Olivia's apartment, a brown grocery bag tucked against his arm. When the door finally opened, it revealed his frazzled looking former partner with her glasses perched on top of her head, her hand out to the side and a grimace on her face. The other hand was holding a blue bucket with a sponge in it.
She looked like she'd been through the ringer and there was some offending substance in her shirt that looked suspiciously like vomit. She looked close to tears as she stepped to the side allowing him to step into the apartment.
"Liv? You alright?" He asked her, placing his hand on her sleeve as he shut The door behind him.
"Yeah. I'm good. Thanks for picking these things up. Noah always asks for Chicken Noodle soup when he's sick." She's wiped her nose on the arm of the sweatshirt she was wearing. Elliot grimaced.
Really classy, Olivia.
"Yeah. No problem. You know I'd do anything for the two of you. Where's he at now?"
She motioned to his bedroom. "I changed the sheets, threw the others in the wash, cleaned up the vomit and now I have to get the soup started."
Elliot sat the bag on the counter and looked her over. "Why don't I get this started for you while you go take a shower."
She smiled at him over the bridge of her nose as a look of gratitude crossed over her features. "Really?" She leaned forward to give Elliot a kiss, but he caught her biceps.
"Shower first. I love you, but you smell like vomit."
She shot him a glare as she walked toward the bathroom, peeling off the sweatshirt as she went. He watched her leave and smiled to himself. How quickly could he get the soup started for her sick son and then join her in that shower?
Chapter 3: W E T || Aug 25
an prompt word: wet
disclaimer mentions of shower smut.
[ A U G U S T . 2 5 • W E T ] || Elliot x Olivia || 595 Words || Rating: M
He had put the chicken noodle soup on the stove, after prepping the vegetables and adding the chicken stock with the rotisserie chicken on the stovetop, turning the burner on low. He listened as he heard the water turn on in the bathroom.
Checking in on Noah, who was sound asleep, he made his way into her bedroom and to the bathroom. The mirror above the sink was fogged up due to the steam from the hot water in the shower.
“Hey, Liv?” He called out while removing his pants and shirt, almost falling into the toilet due to the haste he was removing his pants. He’d taken his socks off on his way through her bedroom. He wasn’t even sure whether or not he’d find them later, but honestly, he didn’t care.
“Yeah El? Everything okay?” she asked. Elliot poked his head into the curtain and looked at her, she had her head tilted back, letting the hot water cascade over her face and through her hair. Her skin was pink from the temperature she had it set at. He was the luckiest son-of-a-bitch on the planet. She was absolutely breathtaking.
“Yeah, everything is fine, Liv. Noah’s asleep. Do you remember what you whispered in my ear the other day?” He asked, coyly, stepping into the shower, watching her as she tilted her head down, her brown eyes opening and taking in the specimen of a man before her.
“Mmhm.” She confirmed, her eyes traveling from his head to his toes taking a moment to pause at his waist and hands. Time had been very generous to him, and she felt damn lucky that she was the one that got to benefit from it. “But El, I’m already wet.” Her husky voice whispered, watching him as he stepped closer to her, wrapping his arm around her body and pulling her in. He brought his hand up and rest it just above her heart, feeling the heat from her skin through his fingertips and the rapid beating of her heart as she bit her bottom lip with their proximity.
He captured her lips in a kiss as his hand traveled down, over the peaks of her breasts, over her stomach, and stopping just before his middle finger could dip below her folds. Her breath hitched as she gripped his arm, feeling the cords beneath her fingers, she guided him further down so he could feel her warm, wet core.
“Yeah, you are.” He laughed as he kissed her neck, pushing her back against the wall of the shower, and leaning down just enough so that his hard length was pressing just against her entrance, but he refused to move even an inch as she wrapped her arm around his neck, bringing her leg up, allowing him better access.
“I’m so, so wet.” She whispered, turning her head so she could kiss his neck.
“This was worth not taking the risk the other day.” He whispered, his teeth grabbing her earlobe between them, his tongue gently moving against it inside his warm, wet mouth. He chuckled when she moved herself so that he entered her and she leaned back against the wall, separating their upper bodes as her eyes urged him to move.
“This shower is too wet, Liv. I don’t know if I’m gonna fall or not.”
“Just move. El. We’ll get out of here after you fulfill my request.” She pulled his waist closer to her as he began to move, the water washing them clean while she whispered dirty things in his ear as they moved in sync against one another.
Chapter 4: P E N E T R A T I O N || Aug 26
Prompt word: penetration
Get your minds outta the gutter, you dirty birds.
[ A U G U S T. 26 • P E N E T R A T I O N] || ELLIOT X OLIVIA || 557 words
Bullets have a tendency to have a deeper penetration than any other weapon or wound, Detective Elliot Stabler could personally attest to this knowledge first hand.
What he wasn't counting on was receiving a call from Sergeant Odafin Tutuola at 11:36 pm telling him to get his ass down to Mercy, because, 'Liv got shot', and she was asking for your 'stupid ass'. This was the call he had been dreading.
In all the years he's known her and the years he missed, he knows one fact. This is the first time she's gotten hit with a bullet in the line of duty. So, without putting on one of his suits he's grown accustomed to wearing, he simply pulls on a pair of sweats, an NYPD t-shirt, and a zip-up similar to the one he's been looking for since 2009.
Walking into the waiting room, he finds himself surrounded by old colleagues and people who want him to stay as far away from the wounded NYPD Captain as possible. He's tired of staying far away, he's been an ocean apart from her for too fucking long and absolutely refuses to stay away now that they've reconnected.
In more ways than one.
Fin sees him walk through the doors and immediately makes a beeline for him, grasping his hoodie and yanking him over to the Nurse. Without a greeting, Fin looks at the woman and points to Stabler. "Captain Benson was asking for her husband, and this is him."
If they wanted him to stay away, she was giving them a big 'fuck all the way off' if that's how she asked for him.
"She's in with the doctors right now, even though she was asking for him, they'll come get you when..."
Just then, a commotion was heard coming from behind the woman followed by a tray being tossed out into the hallway, echoing with a clang. A frazzled nurse ran out and yelled for security. Then, they heard her yelling, her voice penetrating the silence that had befallen the waiting area .
Elliot practically jumped the desk, shooting the Nurse a glare as he cautiously stood outside the door of the triage room.
" Olivia?" Elliot called from the doorway as Fin strolled up to the side of him, the Nurse must've realized security was pointless when they were treating a decorated NYPD Captain and the waiting area was full of officers. The old guard, as they called them.
"El?" she appeared, peeking her head around the door, her large brown eyes filled with tears as she held the gauze over her shoulder, the crimson spot showing signs of penetration through the bandage. "They said it's a through-and-through penetration... " she was wearing a hospital gown, and Elliot knew why she must've kicked the last set of medical personnel out. Her scars. "I was so scared and worried that it was..."
Elliot gently placed his hand on her forearm and led her back into the room, Fin following behind with a different doctor and nurse. "Let's get you all patched up here, baby, and then we'll get you home."
No one said anything about the fact Benson asked for her husband or the fact that Fin knew just whom Olivia was referring to. They might not have made any official move yet, and their relationship was relatively new, but one thing would never change. With Stabler back, Fin could rest a little easier knowing her old partner would always have her back, and now always answered his phone.
And as they left the hospital that night, Elliot Stabler lost yet another zip up hoodie.
Chapter 5: D E N I A L || Aug 27
As she sat there, studying the scene before her, she felt it all bubbling back up.
an prompt word: doubt
disclaimer this is a flungsty little chapter.
[ A U G U S T . 27 • D E N I A L ] || Elliot x Olivia || 940 Words ||Rated: T
She was healing up quite nicely, despite having been shot almost a week ago. Elliot had been spending an annoying amount of time insisting that he could take care of her. Part of her just wanted to believe that he was trying to make up for the fact he’d missed ten years of taking care of her. Much to her surprise, he’d even volunteered to take Noah to dance class. It had warmed her heart seeing the two most important people in her life bonding.
Even Eli had warmed up to Noah almost instantly. Seeing how well everyone got along filled her with an insurmountable amount of joy.
She hadn’t told Elliot that Noah was adopted. Maybe if he didn’t ask, she could just keep pretending for a while longer that his blue eyes weren’t just a coincidence. She knew it was a nagging question in the back of Elliot’s mind because at night after Noah had gone to bed and if he stayed just a while longer, he would be standing at the bookcase studying the photographs of all the people whom she’d surrounded herself with in those ten years he’d been gone.
As though he was trying to work it out for himself just who had given Noah the other half of his DNA.
Good luck, El.
When the waitress at the restaurant they’d gone out to eat at the other night with the rest of his kids had made a comment about how beautiful their family was and how they were incredibly blessed, she didn’t say anything about it and neither did he. They just made eye contact and it was almost like there was a silent understanding between the two of them.
Just like they hadn’t spoken about how she’d asked for her husband the night she’d gotten shot. Or the fact that Fin had known who to call. Just like they hadn’t spoken about the letter, still.
Their eyes had a silent conversation, ‘Let’s pretend for just a little while longer.’
As she sat on the couch, she looked over at his youngest child, who was leaning in the chair, his feet over the arm, a book in his hand. She smiled to herself as she remembered his entrance into the world. She’d been the first to hold the boy, as though he were just hers. She allowed herself to pretend as though this could have been her life if only.
For the twenty minutes that it had taken the ambulance to get to the hospital and the four times that Kathy Stabler had crashed in the back of the ambulance, Olivia had held Eli close to her chest, swaddled in the silver blanket and promised him silently that if his mother had no more fight in her, she’d love him and the rest of her partner’s children as though they had always been hers.
She told herself it was just because they would have been motherless, she had been in denial because the honest truth was that she had loved them all from the moment she met each of them, because they were his. And loving his children was the next best thing to loving him. She was allowed to show affection for his children.
That was it.
When she had locked eyes with him the day of the shooting in the station house as people bled out around them, she told herself this was just a hiccup he would be back. When IAB had cleared him and he hadn’t come right back, she told herself it was because he just needed more time. Then, Cragen told her he’d submitted his papers. She’d called and sent texts and he never responded. She told herself maybe he just lost his phone.
She told herself she obviously hadn’t been as important to him as he was to her.
She convinced herself that hope was detrimental to her health, that she hadn’t been wrong in saying that ‘sometimes hope wasn’t good enough’. Especially after she saved herself when he hadn’t come for her those four days that psychopath had kidnapped her. She denied any relationship she’d had afterwards a chance to grow, - she’d never be able to trust anyone that much ever again.
Then, he reappeared. They’d had conversations. He’d asked if they were good, and she had used those two words she had once told him weren’t good enough. I hope. They’d held hands. They’d kissed. They’d had physical relations…multiple times.
As she sat there, studying the scene before her, she felt it all bubbling back up.
She was facing an emotional onslaught of realizations. She had been living in denial. Denial had been better for her to accept than the truth. The truth might have broken her into a million pieces.
She felt everything.
It had been too long since she’d felt it. That bubbling, overwhelming warmth that rose from the deepest recesses of her soul. She could no longer live in denial of what was clearly staring her in the face. Seeing him interact with her son, accept her son, love her son almost as much as she had interacted, accepted, and loved his own children all those years ago made her realize that denial would get her absolutely nowhere any longer.
To be in denial of what she was feeling, that would be more detrimental than the truth she’d realized long ago. She was hopelessly, helplessly still in love with him. In fact, she had never stopped.
Eli caught the look on her face and smiled kindly at her, “You alright Liv?”
“I am.” She nodded, watching Elliot tickling Noah, “I finally am.”
Chapter 6: C L O S E T || Aug 28
Kathleen and Olivia talk over photographs.
an prompt word: closet
[A U G U S T 28 • C L O S E T] || Elliot/Olivia • Olivia/Kathleen Stabler || 992 Words || Rating: T
“Here, let me get that.” Kathleen had stopped by three days after the restaurant incident, and had requested photos – Olivia knew she’d tucked some away in one of the memory boxes on the top shelf above the brown box. She had no idea what was even in the brown box, but it had been in the top of her closet for years. Olivia stepped out of the way to allow Kathleen to step around her and try to edge down the photo box.
“Thanks sweetie.” Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed, pointing at her immobilized arm. “This sucks. You can get that brown box down as well, I have no idea what’s in it, but it’s been up there as long as the memory box, so it’s bound to have something in it.”
Kathleen Stabler was every bit the perfect mix of both of her parents. She had her mother’s graceful frame, blonde hair, and fair skin. She had her father’s spirit, icy blue eyes, and determination. She had always been one of Olivia’s favorites.
It had been hard to see her spiraling out of control when she was a teenager, before they diagnosed her as bi-polar. She was a beautiful young woman both inside and out, and seeing Katie standing in the middle of the bedroom trying to get boxes out of her closet filled her with a joy she couldn’t describe. It was a wonder she had survived fighting against herself.
“You know, Liv…” Katie began speaking as she moved the brown box off of the top shelf, she knew how much Olivia hated feeling like she was incapable of doing anything. “If you had listened to Fin, you wouldn’t have gotten shot.”
“Keep making jokes, Stabler.” Olivia eyed the young woman with a smile on her face. “So, when did you become such a smartass?”
“When did you stop caring about dad?” Katie asked, tilting her head down and looking up at Olivia with those intuitive eyes.
“Never happened. I always have.” Olivia whispered, realizing she’d answered her own question. “Touché. Very good job redirecting. So what did you need these photos for, Katie?”
“Well, you know dad’s lived in his apartment for eight months now, and we just figured that maybe he would like something nice. Unless you guys are going to move in with one another.” Katie held one of the photos in her hand, looking at Olivia who was now biting her bottom lip. “Liv, if you want to move in together, it’s alright with all of us. You guys are happy.” She looked down at the photo in her hands. “Holy shit! Dad had hair, look at this.” She held the photo over for Olivia to look at, Olivia took it between her two fingers and smiled looking at it.
Memories were captured in these photos. She remembered the night this particular photograph had been taken, they were forced to attend a Police Gala because Cragen thought that they might get some good networking out of it. It was also because one of the attendees was under investigation for child abuse. There had been a photographer at the entrance and so they had gotten their photo taken, but the best part of it was that he had been leaning down to pick up the train on her gown and she was looking over her shoulder, smiling at him.
“Oh, here’s a better one.” Katie handed Olivia the next photo. Olivia let a small hum of approval sound from within her chest. Olivia looked over at Katie who was hanging onto another photo, with tears in her eyes. “Liv?”
“You okay there, kiddo?”
“I just…I’m sorry.” She whispered, placing the photo in the lid where Olivia had put the last two photos. “You know mom used to ask him every Friday night if he was in love with you. Do you know, he never said no?”
“Yeah, he’d just respond to her by saying ‘She’s my partner, Kath.’” Katie shook her head, rolling her eyes, “Like it meant that he wasn’t able to fall in love with you. But, after you would get injured on the job he would go out into the garage and work on stupid shit for hours. And he wouldn’t come in until well into the early hours of the morning.”
“People coped with things differently.”
“I think mom always knew.” Katie sighed, picking up another photo, this one of the two of them laughing. “He never laughed or looked this happy with her.”
Olivia felt her mouth go dry, listening to Katie. “Your parents loved one another deeply.”
“I don’t think it should’ve persisted for forty-something years, Olivia. I think it was a platonic love at around seven years into your partnership.” She looked down at her manicured fingernails and then back up at Olivia. “We all wanted to hate you, but we couldn’t. You were just too nice. And then you did everything to make our lives better. You never crossed the line that had been defined in the sand, between partner and lover.”
“No, we didn’t.” She sighed heavily. “Look, it doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past. Like these photographs. All in the past.”
“Every day is a new chance to start over. Are you going to shove these back into the closet when we’re done? Or are you going to display some of them to let him know, without a doubt, that this is what you want?”
“I…” Olivia looked at the blonde-haired blue-eyed young woman.
“He wants to ask you to marry him, you know. He’s just…aware that you’re you. And he seems to think you’d think marriage a silly thing.” Katie kicked the brown box with her foot. Olivia looked down at the brown box. “He also wants to adopt Noah. He told me the other day.”
“Let’s stick this brown box back in the closet. Keep the photos out.”
Chapter 7: S I G N A T U R E || Aug 29
an Prompt word signature
disclaimer I don't own these characters. I just love them.
[ A U G U S T . 2 9 • S I G N A T U R E] || Elliot X Olivia || 1000 Words || Rated: T
Every young woman at one point or another scribbles their first name with the person they have a crush’s on last name. They also absent-mindedly scribble out their name on sheets of paper, just practicing their signatures as though it’s the only thing in the world that will always be theirs. When women become successful, and if they obtain titles that are solely theirs in their life, they like to reaffirm that it’s who they are. Whether it be Doctor, Esquire, Judge, or even Captain. Their signature means they’ve made it.
Olivia Benson never allowed herself to scribble her first name next to anyone else’s last name, except for her boyfriend when she was seventeen, he’d been quite a bit older than she had, but she had loved him. She dared dream about the possibility of something more. Something grand. When her heart had gotten broken, she vowed that she would be an eternal feminist and if she ever found someone to settle down with, she would never get rid of her name.
She’d finally gotten the approval to go back to work, and she was more than happy to catch up on all the paperwork she’d been behind on. After signing her name on the bottom line of all the documents, she found herself rubbing her temple and absent-mindedly staring out into her squad room. Sitting in his usual seat was her Sergeant, and whenever she looked up and saw him, she knew he had her back.
The last year and a half had been a rollercoaster and she was grateful he’d been there and had backed her play the entire time. Honestly, she felt like he might’ve had something to do with pushing her and Elliot back toward one another. They’d had their ups and downs, but at the moment…they were in a good place.
Honestly, after she’d spoken to Katie last week, she was experiencing this nagging feeling in the back of her mind that kept replaying what Katie had said to her.
He wants to marry you. He wants to adopt Noah.
It made her question what she wanted out of their relationship. This conversation just kept replaying in her mind and as she glanced up at the photo that she had pulled out of the memory box. She’d brought it in and put it next to the one of Noah. They really did look happy despite it being another formal event they had been forced to attend by Cragen.
She gripped her pen in her right hand as she absent-mindedly scribbled her name, noting how her pen looped and jabbed with the hills and valleys of her first name. As she wrote her last name, she noted how it was smooth and all loops. It had always been that way, but as she looked at it, she wondered just what her first name would look like if it were next to his. So, she wrote it out. She smiled when she glanced down at it. His last name was pointy, not as loopy.
“Well, it’s not a deal-breaker,” she mumbled to herself, letting out a hum of frustration. It just didn’t feel quite like…her though. Furrowing her brow, she brought her pen up and rest it against her bottom lip. Her job had been her life’s work up until now. She’d gotten so many awards and recognition certificates that when she looked around the walls of her office, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride.
Look how far you’ve come, Olivia.
But despite the accomplishments, there had always been something missing. Something just not quite right. Until a year and a half ago. It really shouldn’t have come as a surprise, honestly…but when he started showing up at her Precinct with boxes of pastries and cups of coffee for her squad, she found herself looking at him. Really looking at him. She’d looked at him after Fin’s ‘awesome party’ as he’d dubbed it.
There’d been the letter, but despite her having read it, they hadn’t talked about it…until the other night. Four days after Katie’s visit. He’d shown up at her door after she’d told him she needed space, after they’d had a fight earlier in the afternoon after lunch, and despite the warning, she’d let him in. He looked defeated when he’d knocked on the door.
It was that night they’d finally had the opportunity to sift through the debris of the aftermath of the day that separated them eleven and a half years ago.
She finally explained where all her scars had come from to him, despite his insistence she didn’t have to. It had practically broken them both.
She reached for her coffee, taking a sip, watching Rollins and Tamin laughing, Fin shaking his head listening to the laughter.
She wrote her name hyphenated with his below the scribble of her first with his last name. Tilting her head to the side she rubbed just below her bottom lip with her thumb and index finger. Curious, she wrote Noah’s name with his last name and then hyphenated like she’d written hers. Scribbling the names out except for the bottom one, she tapped her fingernails against the top of her desk. Glancing down at her watch she looked at the time.
Standing abruptly, she pushed her chair back and reached in her bottom drawer to grab her bag out. Going to her door, she grabbed her coat off of the rack and paused next to Fin’s desk. “I’ll be back; I have to stop by Surrogate’s Court to pick up some documents.”
A few minutes later, Fin brought his files in to place on her desk and when he glanced down at her calendar, he saw her signature scribbled in the lower right memo box. With a smirk, he turned on his heel and walked back to his desk. Taking a seat.
That night, Olivia sat across from Elliot and pushed an envelope toward him, smiling.
“I just want your signature.”
Chapter 8: I N T O X I C A T E D || Aug 30
[ A U G U S T . 3 0 • I N T O X I C A T E D ] || Mama Benson - Olivia/Lizzie, Olivia/Eli || 982 WORDS
The phone rang at 2:38 am. Olivia rolled over and glanced at the screen, blinking a few times, she squinted as she tried to make out who was calling on the ID. Elliot had been sent undercover two weeks ago, much to everyone’s protesting. Eli had been staying with her at her apartment, sleeping in the new bunk bed that they’d gotten for the boys.
They were looking for a bigger place for all of them to move into.
“Liv?” The voice on the other end of the line was barely a whisper, “Can you come get me?”
“Liz?” Olivia sat up in bed, flipping on the table lamp. “Where are you?”
“I…somewhere…I went out with some friends, and I’m in a bathroom in a midtown bar.”
“Do you know the name of the bar?” Olivia was pulling herself up off the bed and walking over to her dresser, searching for something to wear.
“Liv I…” Olivia put the phone on speaker as she heard Liz throwing up and then the sound of the toilet flushing. “Please.” Her voice was strained and congested sounding.
Pulling out a pair of black yoga pants and a plain white t-shirt, Olivia grabbed the hoodie that she’d stolen from Elliot after her blouse had been soaked in blood and cut off a few weeks ago after she’d been shot. “Keep talking to me, Liz.”
Olivia hated that she would have to leave the two boys alone for a little while, but it couldn’t be avoided, and she didn’t want to wake anyone else up at this time of night to have them come over. She walked into Noah’s room and nudged Eli on the shoulder. The teenager sat up and looked at her, groggy. She put the microphone on mute and motioned for him to follow her.
They stood in the kitchen and Eli took a seat at the bar, “Eli, honey, I have to go get your sister. Can you lock the door behind me and stay here with your brother?”
Brother. Elliot was overjoyed and taken aback when she asked him to sign the documents she’d brought home a few weeks ago. The look in his eyes as he read the information in the packet filled her heart with joy. He’d asked her if she was certain this is what she wanted. She told him she was more than positive. The Stabler offspring were happy to welcome Noah as their little brother, they’d all fallen in love with the curly-haired kid. Noah Benson-Stabler now had two parents on his Birth Certificate. He belonged to a mom and dad.
“Sure,” he yawned as he followed Olivia to the door where she stopped and took out the small garbage bag from the metal wastebasket underneath the entry table. “How long are you going to be gone for?”
“Maybe forty-five minutes or so?” She whispered, “Liz, you’re still there, right, honey?” The younger woman on the other end of the phone made a noise that sounded like a groan as Olivia sighed, tucking the can under her arm. She met Eli’s dark eyes as she spoke to him now, “Don’t answer the door for anyone. You remember our safe word, right?” She placed her free hand on Eli’s shoulder, her ear pressed against the phone.
“Yes Liv, I remember the safe word. I’ve got this.” Eli smiled at her, turning around and checking the time on the clock. “Liv?” She turned around while opening the door. “Be careful.”
She smiled kindly at him, bringing her hand up and squeezing the back of the boy’s neck just like his father had done to her countless times throughout the years as a quiet reassurance.
“I will.” she nodded as she walked out of the apartment, listening as Eli locked up all the locks on the other side, including the chain. The kids were all the unfortunate recipients of all the nicknames she detested being called herself. All those sickly sweet, overly-cutesy nicknames she swore she would never let anyone call her.
Anytime anyone ever called her one of those ridiculous names she wanted to shoot them. The only person who had gotten away with using any of them was Elliot, and that was only the name baby. She pretended to not notice, and it secretly thrilled her to hear him use it for her after all these years.
Twenty minutes later, after flashing her badge and showing proof of her vaccination, she was walking through a Mid-town bar toward the restroom, Liz was now crying on the other end of the phone and as she pushed her way into the stall where the young woman was crumbled on the floor, she hung up and tucked the phone into her pocket. “Shit.” She muttered as she wet some paper napkins and pressed it on the back of Liz’s neck.
“You look like hell.” Olivia smiled, tilting the girl’s face towards her own. “C’mon, let’s get you out of here.”
Olivia lifted Liz up off the ground and slung her arm around her as they made their way out of the bar. “Sorry for calling you shit-faced.” Liz slurred. Olivia laughed at this.
“We’ve all been intoxicated at one point or another, Liz.” Olivia managed to get her in the front seat, pulling the wastebasket up and handed it to her between her legs. “You ralph anywhere other than in this wastebasket and I’m making you pay for the detailing.”
“Don’t tell dad about this, m’kay?” she leaned her head against her arm that was clutching the can. “I love you.” She slurred out.
Olivia smiled kindly at the young woman as she bent over the metal can and threw up. Olivia winced as she pulled away from the curb, “I won’t.” She paused a moment, “Love you too, Liz. Let’s get you back to my place.”
Chapter 9: C L O C K || Aug 31
an this chapter is set in march 2023. so it jumps forward in time.
[ A U G U S T . 3 1 • C L O C K ] || [Elliot X Olivia] / Olivia & Fin || 963 Words
The little neon pink post-it note was stuck on the inside of the padfolio she had been carrying around. When she sat down at the conference table and opened it to take notes, Fin had glanced over at it. Squinting at the handwriting he had a vague idea who’d written it.
2:30pm - Thursday
Mar 30, 2023
(DO NOT BE LATE)
Her phone had gone off twice, and she’d ignored the texts. It was currently 1:16 pm, and Fin turned his attention up away from the post-it note when he noticed she’d caught him staring. He shook his head and turned his attention back to whatever it was Amanda had been saying moments ago about the case they had been working on for the last week and a half.
His phone dinged with a notification and he pulled it out of his left pocket glancing down at it, noticing Olivia staring at him, her expression clearly one that was not amused that his phone was going off in a briefing. Leaning down and toward Fin, he leaned in so he could hear what she was going to say to him.
“Fin.” She whispered, so as to not bother Amanda and Kat during their exchanging of information. The newest detective to join their squad, Detective John Jones leaned back in his seat and turned his head toward the Captain and Sergeant only to notice the way they were crouched together, in a private conversation. “STOP snooping.”
“Liv…wherever you gotta be in an hour and forty-four minutes…I got this, you can go ahead.” He whispered.
Olivia sat back in her chair and sighed, tapping her hand on the arm of the chair. “Rollins.” She turned her head towards the younger woman and smiled, “You guys are doing fantastic, Rollins, you and Jones follow up on Mr. Anderson’s alibi and Tamin, you check with a…” she flipped a few pages back in the binder to the left of the padfolio, “Jessica Lipschitz, whom Madison was roommates with a few months prior to engaging in a relationship with Mr. Anderson. I think you can manage that alone, can’t you?” She looked up over her glasses at Detective Tamin.
“Dismissed.” Olivia leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she surveyed Fin for a moment. Once everyone left the table, with Amanda turning back to look to see Fin and Olivia heading toward her office.
Amanda shrugged and grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair, tossing the tall man the keys. “You’re driving, Jones.”
Olivia shut the door to her office and leaned back against it, resting her hands on the knob. Fin stood two steps away from her as she took a deep breath. “Fin would you mind driving me somewhere?” She glanced over at the clock on the wall which now read 1:25 pm.
“Sure, where you gotta go Cap’n?”
“I’ll tell you on the way, Sergeant.”
“What’s this about?” Fin asked, cautious.
“You remember seventeen years ago? The Gitano case?” She asked, threading her fingers together as she walked over to her chair behind her desk. Fin scrunched his eyes for a moment trying to think.
“Yeah, that’s when you got cut by that asshole in Jersey.” Fin nodded, sticking his hands in his pockets. Olivia nodded, looking down at her hands. “Man, Stabler was so pissed, I was just worried ‘cause you were holding’ your neck and there was a lot of blood.”
“Yeah.” She inhaled sharply, “Today’s been seventeen years since I realized that I had fallen in love with my partner, the one man I knew I could never have.” She swallowed, looking up into her friend’s eyes. “And seventeen years and one day since my partner looked in my eyes and I knew he’d fallen in love with me as well.”
“Liv?” Fin seemed to be confused by the whole tangent his Captain had just gone on.
“Is everyone else gone from our team?” She asked, as he spun in the chair and looked out into the squad room.
“Looks like it.”
“You’re taking me to the courthouse, I’ll be right back.” She grabbed the bag hanging from her coat rack and disappears. Fin checked the clock. 1:38 pm.
They’d have to leave by 1:50 the latest in order to get there at the time that had been written on the post-it note. When she returned she was wearing a flowy white shift dress with bell sleeves that cut off just above her knees, paired with a pair of plain white heels. “Ready?” She looked at Fin who was staring at her, mouth slightly agape.
“You look beautiful, Liv. Why Am I driving you to the courthouse?” He asked as they walked out of the squad room, throwing her black trench coat on as they walked out. When they had gotten to the car she checked the clock on the dash.
“Fin, you’re driving me to get married.” She turned to look at the one man who had always had her back since he’d walked into the squad room at the 1-6. “As my oldest friend, you are going to witness it, and then…” she took a sip of her water bottle, “You’re going to drive me back to work and we’re going to pretend this never happened until we're ready to announce it.”
“Drive, Sergeant, before I’m late.” She smiled brightly at the man next to her who had a shit-eating grin on his face as though he’d been let in on the biggest secret in the universe.
“Liv, I’m happy for you.”
She turned her face toward her Sergeant and radiated happiness. “I’m happy for me too. It’s time.”
Her eyes glanced at the clock. It really was about time.
Chapter 10: I M P U L S I V E || Sep 1
an this piece was inspired by a song. wilson phillips - impulsive
RATING: E 18+ please.
Proprio così - just like that.
disclaimer smut. not going to lie.
arrows through hearts drawn on a misty window
[ S E P T E M B E R. 1 • I M P U L S I V E ] || [ Elliot X Olivia] || 2956 WORDS oops (I give up with the constraints of word counts…it’s pointless at this juncture)
[oct 19, 2021]
She had wanted to give it one year. The average time had said give it six to twelve months. Figuring the traumatic demise that Kathy had experienced, she figured one year would have been the proper grieving time. He’d actually made improvement. He’d looked better rested and to her knowledge, hadn’t punched any more walls.
They’d had a few overlapping cases this last summer, and he was so much better.
There was this odd sensation that would come up when they were in the vicinity of one another, it was familiar and at the same time undeniably foreign. Foreign because she hadn’t honestly felt it this strongly since he’d left. She found herself looking up at him through her lashes more than once and everyone in the room had stopped and stared at them, it felt like 2011 all over again.
Her breath would catch in her throat and her mouth would go dry and she would just stare. There was also this nagging voice in the back of her mind yelling at her that if she was looking for a sign, this was it.
It had been seven months.
Seven months and she’d just come off of a particularly trying case that had rattled her to her core.
As she parked her SUV against the curb outside of his new apartment, she gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and took a deep breath.
She was tired of ignoring this tugging feeling that started in her chest and vibrated throughout her entire body, yanking her in the direction of him. Always yanking her in the direction of him.
It was currently a torrential downpour.
She’d been so patient. Narrowing her eyes, she watched as the water hit her windshield, she pulled the keys from the ignition and clenched them in her hand, the jagged edges of the metal digging into her palms.
“Fuck it.” She spoke out loud to the empty vehicle, opening the door and yanking her bag out of the backseat. She walked into the building, the rain coming down in violent sheets against her, soaking her hair and landing on her peacoat, which was billowing behind her. Standing at the elevator she pressed the button impatiently, as though it would summon the car down to her faster. She couldn’t allow herself any time to mull over the impulsive action she had decided upon on the way over. When the doors to the elevator finally opened, she stepped in.
“I can do this. I am a strong, independent, brave, fearless woman. I am just a woman.” She swallowed, debating whether or not she should bolt out of the door before it closed, but then the door started to slide closed and she took a step back. As the elevator began to move, she captured a glance of her wet hair in the metal wall of the elevator, and tried her best to make herself look presentable. Or at least, not so much like a drowned rat.
As the elevator car approached his floor she felt her anxiety gripping her stronger, but she pushed it down thinking about him, thinking about how she couldn’t fight the feelings anymore. She wouldn’t fight them any longer. Twenty-four years was more than fucking enough. It wasn’t a year that he’d been grieving, but it was close enough. And her feelings? They were like horseshoes and hand grenades at this point, close enough was spot on.
His birthday was tomorrow. She realized this as the elevator stopped on the eighth floor. She knew he was home. Yet, that wasn’t the reason she was currently here. She wasn’t even sure why she was here, but what she did know without a doubt is that whatever had drawn her here was against her better judgement. She knew she wanted to kiss the infuriating son-of-a-bitch.
She’d had more than enough time to think this over. All the things added up to her. She’d seen the footage from the interrogation room. She knew. What he didn’t know, was that she’d been shown the footage by Chief Garland and he had handed her headphones so she could hear the audio from the room. He’d pretended not to watch her hand cover her mouth, or witness the tears that formed behind her eyes. That meeting had taken place before Fin’s not-wedding and she hadn’t told Elliot she knew.
The years were a joke.
First, he’d separated from Kathy and dated the chick from Computer Crimes. She knew he had because the woman had made comments about how he’d not called her and he had mentioned that he had gotten back with his wife. But before she found out about Miss Computer Crimes, she’d seen the way he interacted with his temporary partner. After her and Elliot had made eye contact and more than admitted with their silent conversations that they had real feelings…while she faced the decision to pick her partner over the bad guy…but she ran away. What might’ve happened had she stayed? She couldn’t think about that. She just…couldn’t. But then…the icing on the cake came when he slept with Kathy after going home to check on his children after the Royce case. The son-of-a-bitch was so fucking close to being divorced…but Kathy got knocked up. He went back home. The bastard went back home.
He told her Kathy was pregnant and she was hoping that he would choose her. Love her. Pick her. But, he was a good man…and went back home to try to make things work. Then, the bastard had the nerve to tell her that any way she wanted to have a family he’d support her. Looking back, it felt like an offer. The bastard had offered to father a child with her? Really? Or that’s what it felt like. It never happened.
Then, Garland had shown her the interrogation footage and asked her about the nature of their relationship. She laughed. She actually laughed like a maniac. Then called him and asked him to be her date to Fin’s not-wedding reception. Said she wanted an old friend to go with her. Thought it might be fun. To get dressed up and hang out like they used to at events that they were forced to attend.
So, here she was. stepping out of the elevator in his new apartment building. Trying to not think about her actions.
She didn’t want to think about the fact she was a Captain. She was a mother. She was still fucking single. She was still waiting on him after all these goddamn years. She’d wait for him until the end of time.
She didn’t want to think about it for the first time in her life.
She didn’t want to over-analyze the situation, because honest-to-fucking-God over-analyzing the situation is what got her in this mess to begin with. She could’ve had this so much sooner had she not over-analyzed everything. Had she just thrown caution to the wind and thrown herself at him while he was separated from Kathy all those years ago. Before Miss Computer Crimes. Before Dani Beck. Before the Royce case.
Walking down the hallway she had to admire the fact that even though it was not an extended stay hotel he was living in any longer, it was still a nice building with sconces lining the walls and photos of various New York buildings. Classy and modern.
She would admire the building later, right now, she was on a mission. She couldn’t slow down; she’d end up over-thinking. Don’t overthink.
Walking up to the door, with water still dripping down her hair, she brought her fist up and knocked roughly. She could hear his footsteps as he approached the door and when he pulled it open, she didn’t give him a moment to think, she moved forward in a predatory manner, pushing him back, dropping her bag down to her side as they moved into the entryway, she kicked the door shut with her foot and fisted his shirt in her hands, pulling him back towards her against the door, reaching up and pulling his neck down towards her, their lips crashing against one another.
He was being called to her, like she was the moon and the shore and her gravity was pulling him in; as though he was merely the tide, rising to meet the shore, rising to meet the moon. He was astonished, as soon as she was sure that he wasn’t going to pull away or protest, she began moving her fingers to the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it up and over his head. Only breaking the contact with his lips long enough to discard his shirt.
She shrugged off her coat and wrapped her arm around his neck, as his kisses became more deliberate, heated, and his hands began to travel, wrapping around her waist as she was pulled against him, closer. A small whine escaped her lips, as she placed the hand of the arm that wasn't wrapped around him on his chest.
Fuck. Time had been generous to him.
His fingers were dexterously unfastening the buttons on her blouse. She made an audible moan.
He pulled back from her kisses, moving his hands up to cup either side of her face. His blue eyes were wide with arousal, and were searching her brown ones looking for permission, for her certainty. "Elliot. Don't fucking question me on this. Just...keep going. I'll let you know. "
"Okay." It was a simple response, one that spoke volumes. One that was accepting that she wouldn't have shown up here and kissed him unless she was positive. "Okay."
His fingers continued the job of unfastening the buttons. She was getting impatient, and as he unfastened the last button, he pushed her shirt off her shoulders, revealing the black bra she was wearing. "Fuck." Elliot whispered. A smirk formed on Olivia's face as she reached in front of her and landed her hands on the waist of his sweatpants. She knew he was sporting an erection, because she could feel it pressing against her a moment before. She also knew Elliot preferred to go commando when he was at home.
Her eyes flashed dangerously as she pushed them down his muscular legs, her hands brushing against his warm skin. She was now down on her knees looking up at her former partner, a man she had been in love with for years. Her hands pushed the pants down and over his feet, as he stepped out of them. They then traveled up his muscles as she memorized the way they rippled underneath her touch. When they traveled toward the magnificent bobbing erection, she wrapped her fingers around him and lowered her mouth over the top of him, glancing up through her lashes and meeting his blue eyes that were studying her with an intensity she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to comprehend.
Humming in approval at the way his skin felt against her tongue, the salty fluid that had made contact with her taste buds was just so him. She squeezed the solid appendage in her hand and swirled her tongue around the head of him in her mouth. Lowering her mouth on him further, until she could feel him there, in the back of her throat. His leg muscles twitched as one hand leaned against the door and the other wrapped in her hair, around his fist as he looked down at her, she never broke eye contact.
After four or five times of her bringing him all the way into her mouth and humming, the vibrations sending chills down his spine, she found herself being lifted up by her armpits. His hands wrapped around her back as his thumbs rested against her breasts still in the confines of the bra. Once he pressed her back into the door, his tongue parted her lips and slid between her teeth, and she returned the favor in full. Her hand still hanging onto his solid erection. His hand traveled behind her back, unfastening the bra and sliding it down her arms to join her coat and shirt on the ground next to his pants and shirt.
His kisses trailed back down her chin, along her collarbone, and over the top of her breast, until he captured one of her dusty nipples in his hot mouth and sucked on it, laving the nipple with the tip of his tongue eliciting a hiss of pleasure as she felt a warmth flood into her panties.
Now, it was her turn to curse out loud, “Fuck. El. Yes.” His other hand was squeezing and groping her other breast as he unfastened her pants, and when he released the breast from his mouth, he spun her around, her cheek laying against the door as his arm snaked around her front, heading toward the place where her pants had been opened, revealing her black lacy underwear she was wearing underneath her dress pants.
His hand traveled down, inside of her pants as she inhaled sharply. “Shh. Is this what you want?” He whispered into her ear, his head leaning against the side of hers. The solid mass of his body pressing into hers, his evident arousal pressing into her back. He took his other hand and pushed her dress pants down, revealing the boy short cut of the panties she was wearing, hugging her ass in just the right places. She whimpered as he ran his fingers along where her skin met the material. His other hand drifting down over the short curls beneath her panties. As his fingers dipped to where he could feel an evident warmth radiating from, she gripped his forearm, feeling the cords of muscle moving with every movement of his fingers.
His index finger slid easily over her clit and through the folds of her labia as it dipped into the arousal that had pooled in her panties. She bit her bottom lip as he pressed in, curling the finger and then adding another as he kissed her neck. She squeezed his arm tightly, pressing her body back into his.
“Elliot. Fuck me.” She spoke so confidently, so assured that it almost took him by surprise. “Right here. Right now.” She ordered. Her voice dropping an octave as she reached behind her with her one free hand and gripped him. He spun her around, pressing her back against the door, taking in the sight before him. She was walking sex. Walking sin, and he never wanted to repent.
As he pressed her back against the door, he ran his hand down over her breast cupping it in his hand, down her stomach, - over the various scars that had been carefully hidden beneath her shirt. He didn’t ask about them, he understood what she was trusting him with at the moment, the look in her eyes was speaking quite clearly to him.
Pushing her underwear aside, he lined himself up with her and pushed the head of his cock into her warm heat. Her eyes widened as she wrapped her arm around his neck, biting down on his shoulder as he lifted her up and pinned her between himself and the door. “Move.”
It felt so wrong. And yet, at the same exact time, so right. As he began thrusting in her, she felt her lungs tighten and the muscles in her stomach were burning. His pace that he was setting was punishing and she felt that coil in her stomach tightening as the heat from their bodies ignited a fire within her that she was gladly handing herself over to the blaze. His lips connected with hers again as she dug her heel into his ass. “Fuck. Yes. Proprio così.”
This was all the encouragement he needed, because he placed his hand behind her head, and lowered her onto the floor, without disconnecting from her. Every moment they’d waited for had built up over the last twenty-something years. As her legs fell to the side, he watched as her hand unwound from his neck and traveled between them, rubbing small circles with her middle finger, pressing into her clit as he thrust in and out. “I’m going to come, El. I’m so fucking close.”
He leaned his head down and made contact with her breast again, leaving a red mark where he’d been sucking on it, capturing her nipple in his mouth and twirling it with his tongue. She shuddered as her walls clamped down on his hard cock that was pummeling into her from above. Her lips fell open as he leaned back, never letting up, watching her as she rode out her orgasm. She was fucking magnificent.
“Inside. Just...inside, Elliot.” She leaned herself up and pulled him in for another passionate kiss as she felt his cock throb inside of her, and the warmth filling her as he choked out her name against their kiss.
Both out of breath, and stunned as to what had just happened, they stared at one another before she started laughing, a sleepy smile spread over his face as he lay down on top of her and then rolled her over onto her side on the floor of his apartment, this time leaning in for a tender kiss and cupping her cheek in his hand. She was so fucking beautiful with sweat and the remnants of the thunderstorm outside the window.
As they stared at one another, she curled her leg around his and tucked her face into his chest. “Don’t ever fucking leave me or kiss anyone else. Do you understand me?” She asked, pulling him even closer, still connected.
Chapter 11: V U L N E R A B L E || Sep 2
trigger warning this prompt went to a VERY dark place rather QUICKLY. there is mention of sexual assault and rape, mentions of suicide, torture, and all the things that accompany the aftermath of several of Olivia Benson’s worst moments in recent years.
please take care of yourself and skip this chapter/day and come back tomorrow if you are triggered by these things.
[ S E P T E M B E R . 2 • V U L N E R A B L E ] || [Olivia] || 1242 Words
Olivia Benson was very much a badass. As one of the very few female officers in the Manhattan Special Victims’ Unit, she was oftentimes sent in to undercover assignments. Sometimes with her partner, sometimes by herself. She was tough, she was strong, she was a fighter.
But in the basement of Sealview, she met her match in the adversary of one Captain Lowell Harris.
Sure, she put up a fight. She had the bruises to prove it. It was the closest she ever came to being raped.
Then, she met William Lewis. Lewis Williams. Louis Williams. William Lucas. Whatever the hell the spawn of Satan’s name actually was. The Beast. She met the beast.
She taunted him. She insulted him. She tried to connect with him. Because that’s what her training had instructed her to do with people like him to get confessions. But he wasn’t like the others. The Beast, he was…more twisted. Incredibly intelligent.
“He didn’t rape me.”
But she was lying to herself if she honestly believed that. There were multiple forms of rape. She should’ve known this being a detective for SVU. She had been emotionally raped by William Lewis. He might not have penetrated her body, but he had penetrated her. She had all her emotions, feelings, and soul defiled with the vile things he had made her watch.
This assault, completely shatters the ability to trust. It shatters the ability to be able to love. The obstacles you face in recovery are no less different than physical assault. This kind of assault leaves the victim with self-blame and leaves them to retreat into silence about what they experienced. Her psyche had been attacked in an inhumane and sadistic manner.
The woman who had spent her entire life fighting against vile predators like William Lewis had been forced to watch him perpetrate the crime against another woman in her presence. Just like he’d tied her to the chair, and held her captive physically, she had been held psychologically captive. She never should’ve let it reach this point.
She was humiliated. He stripped her bare in court, exposing the vein that was bleeding for her former partner. She blamed herself.
Then, he got off on his charges. He pressed all the right buttons, assaulted Lauren and had the poor girl deliver a message to her, made contact with her again and she practically came running back to him, like some fucked up form of Lima Syndrome.
Even though he was a predator, he had been a victim of childhood sexual assault, and she had called him out on this, but he’d twisted it in his mind as his purpose in life. She only went to him because he had kidnapped a young girl. He knew, without question how to go for the jugular when it came to hitting her where it hurts. How to draw her out into the open. How to taunt her.
As she stood there, taped to the table and bent over, she couldn’t help but think to herself, this is how it ends…it’s the culmination of my entire life from conception to end. Riddled with a twisted darkness and pain. So, in that moment, she lost her badass-ness and gave up. She didn’t have anything to fight for anymore, the only thing she wanted in that moment, was to make sure Amelia made it out alive.
She stood there, her pants undone, as he stood in front of her that second time, a sick grin on his face because he just couldn’t do it. As she had taunted him once before. He didn’t have the balls. He gave up…she was his Achilles’ heel when it came to victims. Giving up, it appeared, was her saving grace.
Instead, he slid the revolver across the table toward her, with a gun pointed at her and told her to put it to her head and pull the trigger. This is how she was going to die. The gun kept being slid back across the table and with every press of the hammer, she winced.
One. Click. Slide.
Two. Click. Slide. Helicopters.
Three. Click. Taunt. Slide.
Four. Click. Taunt. Slide.
Five. Click. Words. He was speaking words to her unit, letting them know it was game over for her. Taunting her. Intimidating her.
This was it. This was her final moment. But he didn’t slide. She watched in horror as he put the gun in her face, and she swallowed. She wouldn’t beg for her life. She would just tell Amelia to look away again, to think of happy thoughts. To pay no mind to what was happening. Then, he swapped hands. He was going to frame her. He was still doing it. He couldn’t physically do it, but he’d done it psychologically again.
Shock. Fear. Disbelief.
They questioned whether or not she was guilty of murder. She wasn’t…but she wished she had.
He had attacked every single vulnerability she had. It would take a long fucking time to recover from this assault. But at least he wasn’t walking along the surface of the planet any longer.
He’d left her scarred. Physically and Emotionally.
Then. The townhouse.
Then. She walks into the penthouse. Lourdes Vega. Lourdes wanted someone to be her witness. To hear her. She had been burnt. She had been cut.
‘Just like me.’ Olivia thought to herself. As the situation escalated, Olivia found herself fighting invisible demons who kept clawing at her soul, ripping it to shreds with every passing year. Exposing her heart to the darkness that had always been lurking and threatening to overtake her.
Lourdes burnt the man’s face with a cigarette and the smell and the action froze her for a moment. She closed her eyes and tried to ground herself to the here and now, and as the man, Miguel, pissed himself, Olivia wasn’t sure whether to feel sympathy or anger at this man’s actions. Whether she was supposed to empathize with Lourdes or reprimand her.
She had vowed not to appear vulnerable. So, she swallowed her PTSD that was squeezing her around the neck and did her job. She did her damn job.
When it was all over, she sat there, on the roof trying to find her footing.
Then, Elliot. He’d been gone a decade. Her life had changed in that decade. She’d built her armor and surrounded herself with her squad. He came crashing back into her life on the night of her ceremony.
She wanted to keep him held away from her trauma. He was dealing with his own. But seeing him, it took her back to before she’d been victimized to the extent that she had in recent years. Years when she had wished he were around and he hadn’t been.
She could do this. She had to.
He wanted to know everything about the last ten years.
She would tell him in time, but for the moment, she didn’t want him to see her as vulnerable. She never wanted to be seen as vulnerable.
But then, one day she was walking down a street and saw a poster hanging in a window with a quote by Bob Marley of all people.
is the only way
to allow your heart
to feel true
So, she decided that maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing after all these years.
She pulled out her phone and sent a text message.
Can we start over?
Chapter 12: N A M E || Sep 3
[ S E P T E M B E R . 3 • N A M E ] || [ Olivia x Elliot ] || 341 Words
Undercover as a married couple, at a swinger’s club.
It wasn’t the first time they’d visited such an establishment for a case they had been assigned to work, it wouldn’t be the last.
She’d picked out one of the dresses that she just knew was wasting away in the back of her closet. She’d meant to wear it out during one of her cancelled dates with the guy from Wall Street she’d run into at the corner deli about a month ago. It left very little to the imagination as far as her breasts were concerned.
In fact, if she bent over, there was no guaranteeing she wouldn’t fall out of the top of the dress.
Before they’d arrived, she’d asked if they had an identity they would be assuming. Elliot had just smirked at her and shrugged. “Nah. We’re just going to be Elliot and Olivia.”
It wasn’t the first time they’d used their first names in an operation. But this was…a swinger’s club. And they were supposed to be husband and wife.
It wasn’t as though she really had a problem using their real first names.
But she’d been trying her damndest to not fantasize about her partner in this manner for years…since he’d gone back to Kathy when he found out that she was pregnant with Eli.
All they had to do was get through this operation.
“Uh, this is my wife Olivia. I’m Elliot.”
She smiled. She told herself this was an operation. It wasn’t real. It would never be real.
Why the hell was he so adamant they use their names?
She watched as he disappeared with Cassandra and couldn’t help but stand awkwardly between her two new friends.
When they were finished at the Swing Set, she made sure to go straight home. As she lay in bed that night she stared up at the ceiling.
My. Wife. Olivia.
Fuck him for wanting to use their real names.
And a few months later? He was gone.
That had been their last undercover operation.
Chapter 13: D O U B T || Sep 4
[ S E P T E M B E R . 4 • D O U B T ] || [Mama Benson] [Maureen Stabler] || 722 words
[ APRIL 2, 2023 ]
Olivia had made it a habit to go to brunch every single Sunday with Elliot’s daughters. They frequented the same café, at the same time, at the same table every single week. In the summertime, they had a table on the sidewalk, but in the spring, fall, and winter it was the table next to a window. This was a standing reservation along with what they ordered and their drink selection.
Except for this week, when they received their drinks, Maureen had elected to reach for the glass of ice water with lemon instead of her Bloody Mary that she would sip. This action had mostly gone unnoticed by her sisters, but not the older woman among the group, her father’s girlfriend.
It wasn’t until the server had come back over and asked if anyone needed a refill of their beverages that Maureen’s drink choices had caught the attention to her sisters as well. Lizzie was in the middle of telling a story about the last rehearsal she’d been to for the new Broadway show she’d been cast in when she stopped abruptly noticing that the Bloody Mary in front of Maureen hadn’t been touched at all. The condensation from the chilled tomato juice had left tracks down the side of the glass, and the celery stayed in the same position the entire time.
“Mo, everything okay? You haven’t touched your drink.” Katie finally spoke up and pointed out the obvious thing that Olivia wasn’t going to bring up.
“Yeah, I’m just not feeling it this week.” She answered, pushing it toward the middle of the table. Olivia’s brow quirked as she realized that Maureen had asked for water for the past month and suddenly it clicked. She wasn’t going to speak up but it looked like her step-children were going to grill their eldest sister for answers whether or not she participated or not.
“You haven’t been feeling well at all this past month, Mo, what’s going on?” Lizzie abandoned her story now, to find out what exactly was going on.
“So, Olivia, you told us that you had something to share this week?” Maureen was trying to divert the attention away from herself, and Olivia understood completely the need to redirect.
“Yes.” She placed the napkin on the table and reached for her Mimosa. “Your father and I have been engaged…for a while.” She smiled, looking at the blue eyes of the children in front of her.
“Liv, Dad’s been Noah’s father longer than you’ve been engaged.” Katie reached for her Spritzer.
Olivia let a nervous laugh out and shook her head. “That’s…sadly…very true.” Olivia looked out at the people passing by the window. “Well, we’ve set a date.”
“When?” Maureen asked.
“Three days ago?” Olivia answered, taking a bite of her Florentine quiche slice. The three girls just stared at her, unable to formulate a response to the fact that they were now seated with their step-mother at a table, not just their father's fiance. “We’re still going to have a ceremony this summer at Grandma Bernie’s house.”
“Oh.” Maureen looked down at her plate, her expression was one that looked as though she had something pressing in the back of her mind and Olivia couldn’t figure out what it was exactly that was bothering her but she had a sneaking suspicion. “Well, that’ll be…”
“Mo?” Olivia placed her hand on Maureen’s arm and tilted her head down so that their eyes met and a smile spread on Olivia’s face. “When did you find out?”
“A month and a half. We’ve been doing IVF for…God. So long, Olivia. We actually decided that the last round was going to be it. That if it didn’t happen this time, we’d still try naturally, but the chances of that were…slim to none. So we were looking at adoption, but, Liv, it happened. At the last check-up. We found out, they did the ultrasound – and it's twins…what if I’m not ready for this?”
“Honey, you’re going to be a great mom. Now, let’s tell Rebecca to change your drink order for the next few months, what do you say?”
“Mo, you’re going to do fine. Look how well you did helping mom raise Richard and I. We were a pain in the ass.” Lizzie supplied, smiling at her older sister. “Don’t doubt yourself.”
Chapter 14: H O O K E D || Sep 5
an smut. there's no other description. just...smut. 18+ please.
[ S E P T E M B E R . 5 • H O O K E D ] || [ELLIOT x OLIVIA] || 1195 WORDS
Laying there, on the sheets, she was grateful that the Apartment she had moved into after him had decent insulation and heat that actually worked, even in the midst of a blizzard. Not that her last place was a hovel, but this place, well, it was much more up her alley. She was a bit of a princess…secretly.
True, she had a 98% accuracy rating when she fired her glock, a 97% closure rate as a Detective and she could throw a right hook that could lay out a 250lb man who appeared to be a solid brick wall.
Olivia Benson, for the longest time, had been secretly in love with the soft, luxurious, and fluffy things in life.
Her old place was drafty, sometimes the pipes froze and then there was the summertime brown outs that consistently made her wish she knew someone with a pool in this god-forsaken city. It was really coming down, the snow outside of her window, and Christmas was just a week away, but she was actually looking forward to it this year, for the first time in so many years. Noah had brought joy into the holiday season after being joyless for so many years, but this was the first Christmas since he’d come back…
As she glanced over at the man who lay next to her, she quirked her brow, running the tip of her tongue over her bottom lip.
What a time to be alive.
That was for damn sure. She must be cashing in on her “good karma” points. Her brown eyes studied that steady way his chest rose and fell with every measured breath he took. Just raking her eyes over his physique, she couldn’t help but feel her mouth go dry. Her eyes roamed over the way his muscles seemed to be made of granite, and he was every bit a masterpiece that looked as though Michelangelo had chiseled himself. Her eyes landed on his six-pack and the deep-cut V that disappeared below her sheet.
While her eyes had been drinking in the perfection of his mythological physique. She couldn’t help but think he was a modern day Perseus, slayer of monsters. Which, made her Andromeda. How fucking ironic. Perhaps it was her turn to be saved and taken away and married and made a queen for once, perhaps his return was him saving her from being chained to the rocks to sate the monsters that lurked in the waters around her.
Watching his measured breaths and studying his physique, her hand traveled over her generous curves (thank you time) and dipped beneath the thin sheet draped over her waist, her fingers trailing down her skin, leaving ghostly traces as they went lower….lower…lower. Until her pointer finger was tracing small circles on her sensitive clit. The throbbing she was feeling just observing the man next to her was almost unbearable. She’d waited so fucking long to claim him as hers.
She’d almost given up hope until two months ago when she’d gotten overly impulsive and taken what she felt should’ve rightfully always have been hers. A groan escaped her lips as she hit the sensitive area just right. She inhaled sharply after realizing that it was louder than she had intended. FUCK. She really didn’t want him to wake up and see her masturbating to his sleeping figure. To his muscles. To his…everything. He was everything. She tilted her head back as her mouth dropped open as she replayed the activities that they’d engaged in less than an hour and a half ago – before he’d fallen asleep.
She glanced over at him again, biting down on her bottom lip and grateful that he’d not heard her audible groan. He hadn’t moved at all, actually. She felt confident in continuing her ministrations without being caught.
When she adjusted her hand under the covers, her arm brushed against her breast and she suddenly wished that she wasn’t by herself in this…activity all of a sudden. She dipped her hand down lower until she could get her middle finger between her folds. She was craving the friction that only he could provide her. Dropping her shoulder back down onto the bed, she huffed out a sigh.
Turning her eyes to his figure once more, she allowed her eyes to trace up his arm, over that huge tattoo on his upper shoulder. It was a lot to take in. Moving her right leg back, her toes made contact with his lower leg and she traced it up and down until he began to stir.
That’s right, El…wake the fuck up.
While she was trying to wake him with her foot, she never stopped touching herself, and she was now letting out small whimpers because…she needed release. She wanted him. What fucking harm could it possibly do if he heard her moaning. Actually, it was kind of exhilarating, the possibility of being caught in the act by him…while he was obviously next to her and they were both extremely naked. She almost wanted to laugh at the situation. Her head was still turned so she could look over her shoulder as she continued teasing herself, touching herself, getting abso-fucking-lutely nowhere with it. She was just driving herself more insane.
Suddenly, his eyes opened and a smile spread over her features, the soft wrinkles that had somehow managed to form at the corner of her eyes, from laughing and smiling at her son for the last few years were visible, and the first thing he noticed about her was that her pupils were so dilated with lust that they had completely obliterated the chocolate pools he loved to lose himself in to make them appear like dark abysses. He suddenly allowed his eyes to trail over her breasts, the way her right one was slightly jiggling as her arm moved…below the sheet?
“Fuck…” He breathed out. Was she…seriously? “What…are you doing?” He leaned over, placing his hand on the top of her arm and trailing his own hand down over her skin which was becoming coated in a small sheen of perspiration as she was quite obviously trying to pleasure herself…A smile spread over his face and suddenly she saw his own pupils dilate and there he was.
“I…” she began, but couldn’t verbally articulate what she wanted. So, she dipped her fingers lower again and coated them in her own arousal before moving it behind her and spreading the slick fluid over the head of his hard cock. “Need. You. Now.”
“I’d say. Damn, Liv.” He moved himself so that he could grip her leg and turned her body so that he hooked the knee over his elbow and when he found the right spot, she reached between the two of them and situated him so that when he thrust forward, he slid in easily.
“Fuck me, Elliot. Don’t be gentle. I need it.” She ordered, her body humming with approval at the friction of the welcome intrusion into her warm core. “Hard.” She ordered, capturing his lips with her own.
There was honestly no greater feeling for her, than these moments with him in her bed sheets.
Chapter 15: C H O I C E S || Sep 6
an a little cute piece prior to the EO courthouse chapter.
[ S E P T E M B E R . 6 • C H O I C E S ] || [ELLIOT x OLIVIA] // Olivia x Cragen (father-daughter) || 1341 WORDS
inspired by katy perry – never worn white
It was a well-known secret that Elliot Stabler had loved the hell out of Olivia Benson, even when it might not have been acceptable for him to do so. It was also a well-known secret that Olivia Benson had loved the hell and trusted her partner implicitly, - but then…he left.
It was no surprise to most people who had known the two of them that while the ruins of Elliot Stabler’s return had been still smoldering and the dying embers had yet to fade into cinders and ash, the two of them had somehow wound up in one another’s vicinity again. Only the people close to the two of them watched carefully to see how things would play out.
Odafin Tutuola had sent their old commanding officer a message during those first few weeks, letting him know the situation between the two former partners.
Cragen had written back almost immediately, told Fin to just wait. That now, there was nothing that could keep them apart.
So, Fin had waited, he hinted, he encouraged Olivia to listen to Elliot and give him a little latitude. All the while, offering to deck him if needed.
The powers that be had interfered with them multiple times. First, telling her to stay away from Elliot after he’d walked into the 1-6 the night of the accident. She’d let him into the interrogation room, knowing full and well that Elliot wouldn’t back down. They’d gone up to the roof and exchanged words. Garland had more than explicitly read her jacket back to her and cited Elliot’s jacket. Said that shit wouldn’t have flown these days.
He didn’t have to tell her more than once, she knew. If she were in charge of herself back then, she wouldn’t have lasted six months. She knows. But the one thing that One PP can’t do, is dictate her personal life. She tries to create distance, but it’s Elliot.
Organized Crime needed her help with a child victim. Children fell under the purview of Special Victims’…and even though Elliot had been in Special Victims for years, and was more than capable of taking care of Gianna, he had called her in. She could’ve sent Amanda, Fin, or even Kat to Organized Crime, - but she knew this was a way she could see how he was doing. Check in on him without the pretense of personal interest.
The case was tied up with Simon’s death. She had found herself underneath his heavy body in the front seat of the car, he had thrown himself over her as the bullets ricocheted off the hood of the vehicle, through the headrest of their seats and broke the mirror off. When she sat up and they met one another’s eyes she only took a second before she exited the vehicle and began taking control of the scene.
IAB had tried to railroad her. Make her believe that he said that she’d ordered him to stay in the vehicle. She confronted him about it.
She’d told him they’d told her to stay away from the investigations he was on, to stay away from him. To keep her distance. She couldn’t do that. She could never keep her distance because it was him.
That was the thing that no one seemed to understand. Then, they arrested Wheatley. Garland had been contacted by Lieutenant Marv Moenning who had an interesting video to share with him. Apparently, Richard Sinatra-Wheatley had said some interesting things in his conversation that had been initiated by Angela Wheatley and it concerned Elliot Stabler. Knowing how closely the two partners had been back in the day, as was most NYPD folklore, he felt that Garland should address it, in case it came up at trial.
So, Garland had watched the clip. He had sat in his office one afternoon, and pressed play on the tablet, watching the video and listening to everything that Richard Wheatley had said to his ex-wife, which actually had been directed toward Elliot Stabler. Moenning knew that going to Captain Benson was above his pay grade, and felt that a Deputy Chief should handle the delicate accusation. And it had also felt like a threat to the person whom Wheatley was speaking about, because he had told his ex-wife she had the wrong woman killed for vengeance.
When Garland had called Olivia into his office and handed her the tablet, she wondered what the hell she could possibly have to do with this, for the second time in so few months. She’d been trying to stay out of trouble since she’d gotten involved with lawsuits at the beginning of the lockdowns and the unrest in the city.
When Richard Wheatley began talking and the accusation that Angela had killed the wrong woman came up, - she watched the camera view in the room and her eyes weren’t on the man speaking or the woman across from him. No, her attention was on the man next to the door, the one who used to be her partner.
So, he had kissed the woman who ordered the hit on his wife. Dumbass.
That was his choice. She wondered when it was this had happened. Was it the night he had finally verbalized the words he’d written in his letter? That he loved her, and then promptly disappeared.
She loved him too. But he wouldn’t know that for a while.
But…the one true love of his life well, that was an interesting way to phrase it. She doubted the hell out of that statement, Richard Wheatley was a pompous sociopath. What the hell could he even know about it all. But…brown eyes. All signs pointed…no.
She invited him to be her plus one. Richard Wheatley’s accusation never left her mind.
She called him El.
She was trying to give him a year.
She lasted seven months.
He’d dismantled her delicately, flaying her down to her rawest nerves and she had let him. She let him in so easily. She loved him. She had always loved him. She would always love him.
Despite being gone for ten years.
Despite having given up hope.
He was giving her a reason to hope.
He was…her everything (other than Noah). And she would always choose him. She would make the choice to ignore whatever it was everyone was telling her to do where he was concerned.
So when he chased after her after a fight they’d had one night, he found himself standing on top of the Precinct of the 1-6 and told her that he didn’t want to spend his life regretting all his choices and to just admit it.
She had no choice but to tell him that she wanted nothing more in her whole life than to marry him. To be his. To be loved by him. She told him she felt like a consolation prize, because he had the opportunity years ago and let it pass him by.
He told her it had nothing to do with her. He had to make the choice to keep his family together, to do that right thing.
It didn’t make it hurt any less.
Donald received the first letter telling him that Noah had been adopted and then a few months later, he received a second letter with plane tickets and a printed reservation for a hotel in Manhattan.
He had always known that this is where it would end up.
A smile spread on his face because he knew that given the chance, they would’ve made this choice a long time ago.
Come. Here’s yours & Eileen’s tickets & your reservation for the hotel.
Come and be our second witness. We’re not telling anyone about this.
Not yet, anyway. You’ll also be coming back for the actual ceremony.
You’re the closest thing to a father I’ve had. Say you’ll be there.
I’m giving you no other choice.
He held up the invitation for Eileen to read it.
“Looks like they really have given us no choice. We’re going to Manhattan.”
Chapter 16: I N F O R M E D || Sep 7
an jumping back to the summertime before they have...ahem consummated ahem their budding relationship.
[ S E P T E M B E R . 7 • I N F O R M E D ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 1139 Words
She hadn’t heard from him in two weeks.
Which, since he’d returned was unheard of. They’d discussed rebuilding their friendship. Rebuilding their relationship. Maybe becoming more.
She’d sent him texts. She’d called him and left voicemail messages. She was losing her patience. She had believed him when he said he wasn’t going to leave again.
The heat was unbearable and everyone in the city seemed to have problems with keeping their tempers in check. When she arrived at his door she knocked for a few minutes, then she pulled out the key he’d given her for emergencies.
Walking through his apartment, she was surprised to find that there was mail on the table and it hadn’t been opened. Picking up the stack, she fingered through the envelopes, not quite sure what she was looking for.
It was deathly quiet as she placed her bag on the table, turning around and facing the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, she noticed the date on the milk. It wasn’t expired, so at least there was that sign of life. Part of her wanted to scream and yell.
Where the hell was he?
The last few times she’d stopped by the Organized Crime Control Bureau Ayanna had been dodging her questions and had told her that he was out working in the field, and she’d have him give a call at his earliest convenience. She’d waited. He never called.
She was actually missing their coffee meetings in the mornings that they’d established after Fin’s Non-Wedding. They’d agreed to meet at least three times a week on their old bench after she had dropped Noah off at school, or during the summer, the Dance Camp he attended during the daytime. They were talking. It had been nice, then, one day he just didn’t show up two weeks ago.
Walking through the apartment, she trailed her fingertips along the wall on the way to his bedroom. His bed was neatly made and when she picked up the pillow, she inhaled his scent. It was faint, but she could still smell him. Sighing, she placed the pillow back down onto the bed and walked out of his room.
Arriving back into the main room, she picked up her purse and walked over to the stack of envelopes, pulling one of the junk-mail envelopes over next to her and grabbed her pen out of her purse scribbling the note on the paper, it was short and succinct.
I haven’t heard from you in two weeks…You promised.
Call me. Please.
She walked out of the apartment, locking the locks once she was outside of the apartment, she placed her hand against the hard wood grain of the door and pressed her fingertips into it.
“Where are you, Elliot Stabler?”
She went about the rest of her afternoon, returning to the precinct to see if she could work her way through the stack of DD-5s that were piling up on the corner of her desk. She’d messaged Lucy and told her she was catching up on some paperwork at the office, and asked if she would stay with Noah. Lucy hadn’t hesitated in saying yes to her boss, and Olivia made a note in her phone to give the woman a raise.
When her phone rang later that evening, it wasn’t Elliot calling her, it was Kathleen.
“Liv?” Katie’s voice came through the receiver, her voice sounding strained. Olivia hoped that nothing bad had happened. “I saw you left a note for dad at his place.”
“Yeah. I…stopped by earlier this afternoon. I haven’t heard from him, so I was worried.”
“They…didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me…what exactly?” Olivia didn’t have time for games. She just wanted to know why she was being ghosted after she’d been told that she meant the world to the man. After he told her he loved her. Not only in writing, but verbally. Albeit at the wrong time but he’d still spoken those words out loud for the first time in twenty-two years and she wasn’t going to forget it anytime soon. “Who’s they?”
“They sent him undercover, Liv. It happened so suddenly that Eli called me in the middle of the night and said that he’d gotten a cryptic text from an unknown number and dad had put an old code in it…you know the one.”
“He sent my old badge number to Eli? Why the hell didn’t he message me?”
“I don’t know. None of us have been able to reach him since. We think he might’ve gotten rid of the number after sending the text.” Her breathing was steady, but Olivia could hear the sadness in Katie’s tone. “Can you find anything out?”
“I mean…Katie, that’s not my department.”
“But you’re a Captain, Olivia. Surely you can…contact a friend? Find out?” Katie was pretty much begging her, and dammit if she didn’t already know she was going to dig for answers.
“Yeah, Katie. I’ll try to find out.” Olivia bit the corner of her lip, placing her head in her hands. “Let me see what I can do. I’ll call you back in a bit, alright sweetie?”
“Yeah. Hey…Olivia?” Katie was hesitating something, and Olivia could tell.
“It’s okay. You know that, right?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Katie. I’ll call you back in a bit. Let me see what I can find out.”
She scrolled through her contacts until she came upon the number she was looking for. Pressing the name, she pressed call and it rang a few times before the person on the other end picked up and she took them off speakerphone.
“I need a favor.” She began, running her finger along her bottom lip. “I need informed about the details surrounding Detective Elliot Stabler’s newest assignment. We believe that a case we’re currently investigating has ties to his current assignment. We didn’t want to interact with one another until I have been read into the situation.”
It wasn’t hard to find skeletons in someone’s closet. Some ghosts that people wanted to keep hidden. The damage had already been done. It was an hour later after she had gotten the information she’d called for that she picked up a file from her desk, scribbling her signature on it.
Whispering to no one in particular she smirked. “Well, turns out it’s not connected at all.”
Now, informed of where he was in the city she felt better knowing that he hadn’t just decided to ghost her. However, there were a few details they’d told her about his case that scared her shitless. She hoped beyond everything in her bones that nothing would happen to him. That he could finish this case and get home as soon as possible.
That he would return back to her.
That they could explore their relationship more.
Chapter 17: T H E . L E T T E R || Sep 8
an i know. here's another one. i used all the words for today.
prompt words blinded, grief, cage, bedtime, futility, slaves, counterfeit, conned, entitled
[ S E P T E M B E R . 8 • THE LETTER ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 1953 WORDS
Dear Olivia –
I’ve been told they want me to make a speech at your awards ceremony that Kathy RSVP’d us to, insisting that if we’re going to be in New York, I might as well reconnect with old friends and co-workers while we’re there. Thing is, I can make up a speech on the spot, - talking about how when you joined SVU coming up from being a uni how you blew me away, how your drive to help the victims and get justice for them was a beautiful thing to watch. How you held your own in a house full of men, and you never let that discourage you.
It’s easy for me to talk about our partnership. What isn’t easy for me to talk about is the fact that I’ve missed so much. I put my papers in and it was a sin the way I walked away. Now, it’s been a minute since we’ve spoken last, and I don’t feel as though I am worthy enough to be giving a speech at all. I’ve missed so much of your career these last ten years. You’ve climbed the ranks and it’s your house now. It was the house we both lived in for years, but now...you’re every bit as much of the building as the building itself.
Maybe I don’t need to use this letter as a way to write out what I’m going to say about your career. Maybe I need to use it as a way to mend the bridge I never meant to burn.
Luckily, I think our bridge was never a covered one, so the fact that I accidentally set fire to it makes no difference. I’m writing this letter armed with the knowledge that once I step foot back in New York, once I see you…I’m never going to want to leave. I couldn’t survive a second burn.
Coming from me, that’s rich, right? I’ve been shot, stabbed, & slashed when we were partners.
It’s almost midnight here, and I’ve been sitting in the quiet of the apartment since everyone crashed at bedtime. Course, bedtime is a lot quieter here. It’s just the three of us, - Kathy, Eli and I. Liv, you would never believe what a great kid Eli has grown up to be. I’m sorry that I took the opportunity to see him grow up away from you. Kathy still tells him about his birthday every single year. She’s…never forgotten. Neither have I. I don’t think I could. I owe you for saving the both of them.
Olivia, I know. I know what it cost.
When I first left the force I was what my priest called ‘a lost sheep’.
Hell, I think even Kathy was ready to toss my ass out at one point because of how incredibly irritable and unbearable I became. I saw a shrink. You’re probably not that impressed, you always told me that eventually I would need to talk to someone about my problems and honestly, Olivia, I never needed anyone else to talk to because I had you.
Kathy didn’t deserve to be burdened with the things we saw. She didn’t need the images in her brain of the depravity and worst society could offer.
I know, she’s a nurse, what could she possibly have not seen? Liv, I just…kept replaying that day. May 17th. Olivia, it scared me shitless when Jenna started open firing. When she turned her gun towards Sister Peg…I was blinded. I was blinded by the fact that you weren’t that far away from where Peg was standing.
I…the whole thing, Olivia. It was…too much. I flashed back to the bus station when Gitano sliced your neck…and any sort of logical thought just kind of went out the window.
I mean, I remembered when you were being tended to and I was looking out at the river and Cragen stood next to me, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. We’d lost the kid and you’d gotten hurt. My partner. My best friend…I…couldn’t have dealt with that.
This is the part of this letter where you probably quit reading it because you’re not going to want to hear what I have to say. You aren’t going to want to read the next few words. You aren’t going to believe them. I know you won’t, because I know you. I knew you. I’d like to think I still kinda do.
Olivia, there’s a reason my judgement became clouded whenever you were involved.
I know, we don’t say these things. I shouldn’t say these things. It’s…futile for me to say these things.
That’s a word I’ve become familiar with during the last ten years. Futility. It’s easy to be complacent in life. It’s easy to deny the truth, until the truth starts screaming in the back of your mind like a child who’s having a temper tantrum. The truth screams at you to pay attention to it. It acts out. It becomes a little like a landmine. We can’t keep ignoring things when they’re screaming in our faces. We have to accept them. We have to understand them.
I couldn’t imagine disagreeing and losing you as my partner. I couldn’t imagine having to choose between you and a member of the public we’d vowed to serve and protect. We were slaves to the system. Pawns in a machine that kept turning and sometimes didn’t afford justice to the people we fought so hard to get justice for. We were the front lines in a fight that only allowed us to make one move while the pieces behind us moved about freely, allowing us to take all the hits.
The morning came when I could no longer imagine suiting up and going off into battle with you. I couldn’t imagine going in without you. I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like emerging without you. Bulletproof vests protect our hearts, but our heads were always clear shots. All it would’ve taken was one well-aimed shot...which is why I was blinded with rage and protectiveness when Jenna aimed toward where you and Peg were, - Olivia, you gotta know I couldn’t have lived with myself if anything ever happened to you while I was by your side.
We worked at it, for a long time, you and I. We developed our own sort of language and way to communicate. It worked. We were unstoppable as partners. Then, one day it’s like I got hit upside the head and I opened my eyes and saw you. I saw you. Really, truly saw you as more than just my partner, my best friend. More than someone who was good at helping victims reclaim their lives by the words you’d say to them. You were a damn good cop. I was a better cop with you by my side.
I opened my eyes one morning, and when I went to bed that night I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t keep pretending that I wasn’t living in a cage of my own denial. The trauma of shooting Jenna brought forth a whole bunch of emotions that knocked me flat on my ass. It made me realize that we might’ve thought we had things in control, we might’ve believed that we could ignore everything between us. We’d been doing a pretty damn good job of it, I thought.
But in the end, I shot her. I shot a kid. A kid the same age as my own. And I realized that everything I was, everything I’d done had just gotten erased in that split second. The payoff of defending my partner, my best friend was that a kid died. A kid that was just as much of a victim as her mother had been. A kid that had blood on her hands because her grief was too much for her to bear. It was too hard.
Everything became too hard. I went home that night and realized that I had been conned into believing that I was doing the right thing in my life by holding my emotions for you in a cage. I felt entitled to your devotion, your friendship, your partnership. I sat down and I thought about it and realized that no matter what I would do after that day, it would all be for nothing. There’d always be another kid who had been conned into believing that justice was available to them. I’d always be conned into believing that forgiveness would always be good enough.
That hope would be good enough. Shit. You said it yourself early on in our partnerships, sometimes, hope isn’t good enough. It was a sobering fact to reconcile.
So, I left.
I didn’t say goodbye.
I ignored your calls because I felt like if I would’ve picked up at any time, I’d become a slave to my emotions. I’d realize that I’d picked wrong. That everything I’d ever believed in was a lie. I couldn’t allow that. I couldn’t listen to the voice screaming at my heart. There’s a phrase I read, sometime between England and Italy, and it was an idiom that said “real gold isn’t afraid of the test of fire”. At first, I wasn’t sure what the hell that meant, Then…it hit me.
I had integrity. I walked away when I knew I couldn’t hold back anymore. I couldn’t compromise that.
But there's a problem with not compromising things like that, Olivia. The problem is that I was stuck in a counterfeit love with my wife. I was trying to find the good in the whole damn situation, because I thought it was right. I thought it was correct. I thought...I don't know what the hell I was thinkin', but looking back on it all...falling in love with you was inevitable. Fighting against those emotions, that truth - it only hurt the both of us in the end.
So there it is. There's the truth. I didn't leave because I shot a kid. I left because I'd fallen in love with my partner and I knew that it wasn't some fake, cheap replica of the real thing.
I know I’m not entitled to any of your time. I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me. But there’s something I’ve learned over the years about fighting things. Sometimes, when you pretend to feel something or not feel something, that shit eats you up. It’s like holding onto a losing stock. You’ve invested too much and lost so much more. It’s a piss poor decision to make.
I’m infamous for making piss poor decisions.
I don’t regret not compromising my integrity. Just as I know you wouldn’t have asked me to. You’re so much better than all that.
I guess what I’m tryin’ to say here, Olivia Benson, is that…you deserve whatever happiness life has been able to give you and I’m sorry that it took something so traumatic as shooting a kid and moving across an ocean for ten long years without hearing your voice or seeing your face to force me to reconcile with the fact that my walls had holes blown in them and instead of seeing the light, I fell into an abyss. A black hole sucked me up. It crushed me.
My feelings for you couldn’t have been ignored any longer.
So, I’m here. I’m not going to be coming back to Italy. I couldn’t. I’d…I can’t keep fighting for something that has been draining the life out of me for the last ten years. Information like that just kind of kicks you in the ass and forces you to recognize the futility of the fight.
I’m tired of fighting.
I love you,
Chapter 18: R A G E || Sep 9
[ S E P T E M B E R . 9 • R A G E ] || [OLIVIAxSERENA] // [OLIVIA & SIMONE BRYCE] || 667 Words
[ 1 9 8 4 ]
Olivia stood at the corner, holding the pay phone receiver in one hand and the business card she’d been given in the other hand. When the phone just rang and no one picked up, she placed the receiver back onto the hook and turned to look to see where she was. She had already dialed for emergency services to go to the apartment she shared with her mother.
She might’ve gotten in a fight with her, but she wasn’t going to leave her there to die without sending help. She just couldn’t be there when they arrived.
Taking a deep breath she held the strap closer to her body.
“If I can’t have you, no one will.”
It was funny, almost. Her mother hadn’t cared any other time she wasn’t at home for days on end. Surfing from couch to couch in the city.
Ironic, that her mother was now being so damn possessive over her. When she’d constantly told her through the years that she never asked for her to be born, that she was created by a monster.
Olivia was only sixteen, but she was in love.
“I’ll get him kicked out of Columbia, no more pre-law for that ungrateful fucker, Olivia.”
The whole damn thing was ironic.
Making her way to the non-descript building she knew existed solely because she had made it her business to know, she marched up the stairs to the second floor and to Suite 203. Walking into the small office, she looked at the receptionist.
“I’m here to speak to Simone Bryce.”
The door was cracked to the woman’s office and the young woman came to the door, her brows furrowed as she took in the state of the young teenager standing there in front of her. There was a cut on her arm, and she was actually bleeding.
“Yeah. I…something happened and I need your help.” Olivia realized what Simone was staring at on her arm. “Shit. I’m sorry. Do you have a first aid kit?”
“Uh, come on in, Olivia, I might have something in my desk.” Simone placed her hand in the middle of Olivia’s upper back and guided her into the office, shutting the door behind them. “What happened? Why do you look like you’re scared to death, Olivia, you have to talk to me.”
“My mom…she was drunk.” Olivia sat down on the couch, placing the bag next to her and reaching out for the roll of gauze that Simone was holding out to her. “And I told her I was leaving.”
“Okay, no big deal.” Simone shrugged. “What was wrong with that?”
“Joshua, he asked me to marry him, and he’s older and more stable than my mother. So, I said yes. I told her I was leaving to marry him and she told me that if she couldn’t have me, no one else could. She came at me with the broken vodka bottle. The jagged neck pointed at me, she must’ve gotten me pretty good because obviously, I’m bleeding.”
“I see that, Olivia. What are you not telling me?”
“I kicked her. I kicked her and she fell against the wall and now she’s on her way to the hospital and Simone, I don’t want to get arrested.”
“Hey, this is not your fault, Olivia. You called EMTS?”
“Yes. I did. I called, and then I came here, you have to help me I was just so angry. She makes me so mad, and I couldn’t stop her and so I did the only thing I knew how to do.”
“It’s okay.” Simone whispered, “Olivia, you are allowed to feel angry, I know you didn’t mean to hurt your mother.”
“You don’t know that, Simone.”
“I do know that, you’re a good kid, and you have a good head on your shoulders. You are going to tell your side of this situation, and then…Olivia Benson, you are going to use your rage for good.”
Chapter 19: H E A D || Sep 10
an the song on the radio that she's thinking of is called: please don't say you love me - by gabrielle aplin
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 0 • H E A D ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 526 WORDS
Kathleen Stabler had always been one of Elliot’s children that Olivia had been fond of. As far as favorites were concerned, Olivia had identified with Katie and Lizzie more than any of the other children. She only loved Eli because she’d held him first, and that’s a bond that was just…unbreakable because for a moment, she almost had everything she’d ever wanted in a different sort of circumstances.
So, sitting in that diner just a few weeks after Kathy had been planted in the earth, like a flower or tree inside of a box for all eternity, - when Katie had reached out and grabbed hold of her hand, she was at a loss.
She wasn’t sure what the hell she was supposed to do.
Elliot had told her to back off, so she was trying.
She was trying to pretend that he was still gone.
But she couldn’t. He was always drawing her in. She always found herself gravitating toward him. It was cosmic, it was…inevitable.
But standing in the living room, after asking him what he needed, when he stared at her for a moment, and opened his mouth. She knew.
She knew what was coming because he’d already written it in his letter. But all she could do was stand there and as the words formed on his lips she thought of the song she’d heard recently while listening to music on shuffle on one of the apps on her phone.
Please don’t say you love me.
He said it.
Her eyes widened. What an idiot. Heavy words are hard to take there’s a time and place for everything, but this was precious. This relationship between the two of them had always been precious. How they felt, well…that was a hard pill to swallow, as she suddenly realized what he had said out loud and her head turned to look at all his children, he realized it too.
Her heart skipped a few beats as she suddenly realized the kids had expressions on their faces that clearly yelled that they already knew, they just weren’t expecting him to say it so soon.
She swallowed and wanted to run from the room but instead, she moved when he moved. There was no running away from this.
You need to slow this thing down. This could be more. The thing I’ve always been looking for.
Her eyes spoke volumes to him at the moment and she knew. She knew he was reconsidering it, even when he said he loved everyone. Maureen’s shoulders fell and Katie still was trying to find her bearing, meanwhile, Richard just looked…sad. Like his father admitting it after all these years was expected, but not in this moment.
She looked at Elliot and tilted her head, her eyes telling him everything he needed to know, but was too scared to face.
Elliot, we’ll talk about this later.
His head bowed as he took a deep breath and began trudging through the mud of his emotions without acknowledging the heaviness of the thing he had just said. Pretended to ignore it.
There’s no need to worry, Elliot. We’ll get there. But…you’re okay.
Chapter 20: C L O S U R E || Sep 11
an grab a tissue and this had to be longer. It just...had to. I tried a second-person pov.
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 1 • C L O S U R E ] || [OLIVIA x KATHY] || 2231 WORDS
[After the accident, before Kathy dies]
It was one thing not seeing your partner for ten years, the man you had been in love with since before you could even remember, but when you were alone in a room with his wife, it was something else entirely.
You shouldn’t really be surprised when you had gotten the text message from Maureen Stabler telling you that Kathy had requested you come visit while Elliot wasn’t around. She said she understood that you have a busy schedule, but if you could make the time, it would be appreciated.
So, as you sit there, listening to the quiet breathing of the woman in front of you whom you’d both known of and known personally, you can’t help but be curious as to what she might have to say to you. You haven’t spoken to her, really spoken to her since before Elliot left the force. Since before they disappeared from your life and took their family away from you. Part of you thinks it was just divine intervention because God knew you had fallen in love with her husband and there wasn’t a moment in the last year of your partnership when you didn’t wish he was yours to have and hold. When he would go home to his family. When you would send him home to his family.
“You’re brooding, Olivia.” Kathy’s voice is small, but full of humor as you look up and meet her blue eyes. You notice they’re not as bright as Elliot’s blue eyes are. And you realize that Maureen and Richard have the same shade of blue as their mother. Katie and Liz had Elliot’s blue eyes. You wonder where Eli got his brown ones from. You’re assuming that one of Kathy’s parents have brown eyes. You’ve seen a photo of Joe Stabler, so you know it wasn’t from Elliot’s side.
“Just thinking, Kathy.” You answer, it wouldn’t do any good to lie to the woman, she’d see right through you. Just like you’re almost positive she’s seen through her own husband thousands of times when he said he was working late, but just didn’t want to come home to change diapers. “Maureen said you asked for me.”
“Yes.” Kathy’s hands look so frail, and she looks fragile. Pale, like she almost knows this is near to the end. She’s watching you with her blue eyes and you know that it’s not your turn to talk. You’ve always known when it was your turn to speak when she would talk to you. Your relationship was strained, until she realized that you’d never crossed any of the proverbial lines in the sand with her husband. You might have wanted to, God knows you wanted to, but you never did. Not once. She knew you were trustworthy. More trustworthy than Dani Beck ever had been. You both hated her. “I asked for you.”
“I’m all ears.” Your voice is softer right now, more measured, inside you’re freaking out because this is the longest you’ve sat in her presence since you helped deliver Eli in the back of the ambulance. She reaches her hand out and you take it in your own, your head tilted as you are surprised with how warm her fragile hand is in your own. Your hand dwarfs hers.
“Liv, I’m sorry.” She is going to start to cry, you can tell by the tears in the corner of her eyes as she turns her head to look at you, the cuts and bruises on her face are awful. She’s been through hell. She looks like you looked walking out of the Beach House eight years ago. “I’m sorry that you missed out on your godson’s life.”
“Kath, - It’s really okay.”
“No, there’s been quite a bit that I want to apologize to you for. I didn’t honestly believe that you two hadn’t spoken in that ten-year period, Olivia.” Kathy sighed, squeezing your fingers in her own. “I didn’t believe that he could actually stay away.” She closed her blue eyes for a moment. You can’t believe what she’s saying. “I never thought he’d actually put his papers in, to be honest. I thought…thought he’d die as your partner, on the street somewhere, - and you’d come to my door distraught and broken into a million pieces. And we’d try to put our lives back together without him.”
You can’t believe what she’s admitting to you. “You know, Olivia, if I hadn’t of asked him to stay that night all those years ago – I think things might’ve turned out differently. I think Eli might’ve been yours. Maybe that’s why his eyes are brown, God has a sense of humor.” And you want to laugh, but you know that what she’s just said is the truth. If he would’ve come back to you that night, you wouldn’t have stopped him from warming your bed, from touching you.
“You know, Kathy, - he was your husband. I had no claim to him, and you gave him five beautiful children.” You can’t think of much else to say. “I never told him we spoke that day, in the park.”
“I know.” She admits, staring at you, closing her eyes for a moment. You feel like the air has just been sucked out of the room. “He’s going to be so lost, Liv. I gave him…forty-three years of our lives – a lifetime. And all the while, you were there for twenty-seven of them. Before you say something about the last ten years, Olivia, just stop.” You open your mouth, to object, to tell her that you were only partners for thirteen years but she continues, “His old partner, Al, came home with El one night to toss back a few beers, and I heard Al talking about the hot new transfer from Brooklyn and Elliot practically jumped down his throat.” She chuckles looking into your eyes. “Then, the hot new transfer got assigned to him, and he came home white as a ghost and told me he got a new partner. For the first three months, he just called you Benson. Didn’t even specify if you were a guy or girl.” she smiled, looking at you kindly, “Until I asked him to invite you over for dinner. Then, he went white as a ghost again.”
You laugh a little at the thought of Elliot avoiding pointing out the fact you were a female. He’d always treated you as an equal, until things changed. Until White. Until Gitano.
But you also remembered what that first dinner at his house had been like.
Awkward was putting it kindly, if you were going to be honest with Kathy. But you remembered what it had been like. You remember that Kathy had made lasagna, and a really nice salad. You remember that Katie just stared at you the entire time, mesmerized. You remember that Liz offered to play the piano for you while the older kids were clearing the table. You remember smiling down at Liz when you sat on the piano bench next to her and played piano with her.
“You were so…awkward.” Kathy laughs now and you don’t feel so bad about wanting to laugh at the thought of that dinner all those years ago. “But it was funny, because I remember I had to go upstairs to put the twins to bed, and when I came back down, you and El were sitting in front of the sink, and he was washing and you were drying the dishes, and the way you moved together, it was…mesmerizing.” She swallowed, as a tear ran down the side of her cheek. “I remember thinking that night that I had already lost him.”
“Kath – you know I never.”
“I know. God, Olivia, I know that. I know you never would have done anything like that while we were married. You’re a better woman than most women. I used to wonder, what was it that made you so adamant that nothing would happen?”
You bring your thumb up and scratch your eyebrow taking a deep breath. You’re going to tell Kathy something you don’t openly share with anyone. “When I was nineteen. I uh, I feel in love with this student of my mom’s. He was older. Much older. I uh, imagined my whole life with him…” You sigh and shake your head, close your eyes and when you open them you lean in further so she can hear you as you tell her this story in a low voice. “And then, he proposed and I thought…I thought I was going to have my happy ever after. I found out…” you pause.
Kathy’s burnt brow rises and she studies you for a moment, and you feel unnerved by the stare. But, you know that if she’s asked for you, she knows she’s going to take what you say to her to the grave. You know she’s not going to make it. You can just tell. There’s a look in her eyes, and there’s a look of pity that the nurses keep giving her when they come check. As though they’re waiting on something to happen, the other shoe to drop. “I found out I was pregnant and then I found out that he had a wife and two kids. I vowed, as I made the appointment at the clinic that I would never become anyone’s mistress. Ever. And I didn’t get the abortion, but I had a miscarriage. That was…the last time I ever stared at a positive pregnancy test.”
“You have a son, Elliot told me.” She states, staring into you. You take a deep breath, because you’ve just admitted to Elliot’s dying wife that your son isn’t yours. “I’m assuming he’s adopted.”
“Yes.” You answer, smiling, because dammit if Noah isn’t the best thing that’s ever happened to your life. Especially considering all that you’ve lost. He’s given you purpose. He’s given you laughter. He loves you unconditionally. He’s your entire world.
“Good. I’m glad you’re a mother. You were always good with our kids.” She swallows and that’s when you feel her squeeze your hand tighter. “That’s why I asked you here. I know the kids are grown, but Liv, Eli…he’s only fourteen. He’s going to need someone to guide him, to love him. Promise me that you’ll always look out for him.” She looks at you sadly and you understand.
“I promise, Kathy. I was there when he was born and I promised when you asked me to be his godmother that I’d always look out for him. I meant it. I meant all of it.”
“I know.” She takes a deep breath, “I’m just so damn tired, Olivia. I need you to promise me that when I go, you’ll be there for El. I know things went sideways between the two of you, but you and he? You’ve got that special bond that I’ve never had the pleasure of knowing with him.” You open your mouth, but find the words won’t come out right. “Before you say anything, just answer one question for me. Do you love him?”
Your throat goes dry as you stare at her. Your eyes tear up as you look away from the woman for a moment, trying to regain your composure. You feel an ache deep in the pit of your stomach and close your eyes. You feel close to a panic attack, but then when you begin to feel the bile rise in your throat you bite your bottom lip and a strangled sound escapes your throat. “Kathy.”
“Answer the question, Olivia. After ten years of not talking, after knowing him for as long as you have…after knowing me, answer the question. It’s important. I can’t…I can’t leave without knowing.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. You see, there are different types of loves, Olivia. I need to know, when I leave, will you be there? Will you give him the stability I know he’s going to need. Will you love him until your dying day? Because I do.”
“Yes. I love him.” You answer, and suddenly goosebumps appear on your arms beneath your oversized blazer, and Kathy notices the tears in your eyes. “I’ve never loved anyone more, Kathy. But I respected the hell out of your marriage.”
“Good.” Kathy nods, “That’s all the closure I need. So. When he finally opens his eyes and he’s ready to move on, let him. He will love the hell out of you, and he won’t leave again, Olivia. I promise you. He won’t leave you again. Keep each other safe, and love my kids. Can you promise that?”
“I never quit.” You answer as she lets go of your hand.
“Good.” She nods at you and turns her head away, “We never had this conversation, Olivia. Maureen knows not to say anything about it.”
You stand and walk toward the sliding glass door to the room and when you reach for the handle, she speaks one more time. “Olivia?”
You turn around, and your brown eyes meet her blue ones. “Yes?”
“Thank you.” And you nod, because you understand. “And goodbye.”
When you walk down the hallway, you enter the stairway and sink to the floor, tears in your eyes. Because for the first time in all the years you’ve known Elliot, you’ve finally spoken the truth out into the universe.
Chapter 21: P R E T E N D || Sep 12
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 2 • P R E T E N D ] || [ OLIVIA x ELLIOT] || 801 Words
[October 29th 2021]
They stood on the rooftop of the 1-6, side-by-side as she glanced over at him, a smirk on her face her arm was tucked in the elbow of his arm, and it felt so right. As she rested her head against his shoulder she exhaled a soft breath.
It’d only been ten days.
Ten days since they’d consummated their relationship. Ten days since she’d thrown caution to the wind and claimed him mind, heart, body, and soul for herself. Ten days since everything just clicked into place for the two of them. They’d practically spent every other night with one another since then.
There was no coming back from this leap of faith she’d taken. She’d given all of herself finally. She’d fulfilled her own desires, wishes, and fantasies all in one impulsive act. She’d all but threatened him and claimed him. Possessively, she had told him she’d better never hear about him kissing or even having sex with anyone else. Ever.
She’d made sure he understood that this was non-negotiable.
She couldn’t take it if he hurt her again. He turned toward her, their arm still interlocked as he ran his hand up her right arm, and cupped the side of her face, tangling his ring-less fingers through her hair, he brought his lips down to meet hers. Their lips tangled together as his tongue slipped into her mouth and she let out a small groan, her own hand resting on his face. His beard tickling her cheek.
They were in their own little world and hadn’t noticed the door cracking open or the man that stood in the open door, smiling.
Odafin Tutuola went back down the steps, the file folder she had asked for still in his hands. He hadn’t realized Elliot had arrived earlier, otherwise, he might never have gone up to the roof. He blamed Rollins for not mentioning it to him. As he sat down in the chair he placed the file folder back on top of the desk.
“She didn’t want it?” Rollins asked, looking up over her monitor to meet Fin’s eyes, the man was still grinning.
“She’ll want it, just when she’s done. I’ll wait, it wasn’t important enough to interrupt.”
“Interrupt what? Her and Stabler were just talkin’?”
Fin gave his partner a look and rolled his eyes. “Nah, ‘Manda, you really think they were just talkin’? Is that what you and Carisi do? Just talk?”
“She likes to pretend there’s nothing going on, doesn’t she?” Amanda asks, leaning forward on her elbows.
Fin shakes his head, “Ain’t no pretending anymore. But if anyone deserves one another, it’s those two damn fools.”
Ten minutes later, Olivia walked back into the squad room and reached down, grabbing the folder off of Fin’s desk and making her way into her blue office. Stabler was nowhere in sight.
Fin stood and walked into the Captain’s office, shutting the door behind him as he looked at her, his brows raised. “We just gonna pretend like nothing happened up there?” He asked, smiling at her, “You wanna fill me in here, Liv? I’ve been waiting years for this.”
“For what?” She asked, leaning back and crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Fin.”
“You and Stabler locking’ lips up there, Liv? How long has that been goin’ on?”
“It’s new, Fin. But be realistic. How long do you think it’s been waiting to go on?”
“Too damn long, I’m happy for you Liv. You don’t have to pretend with me, I’ve known for years how you felt about the asshole.”
“Good.” She smiled at her old friend, “Thank you.” She whispered, taking her glasses off and setting them on the desk, resting her head against her fist.
“For what?” He asked, spinning around in the chair in front of her desk.
“For helping me realize what’s been in front of my face for so damn long, Fin.”
“Hang onto it, Liv. Don’t pretend it’s not what you’ve always wanted.” He stood and walked to the door. “Hang onto it.” He paused with his hand on the handle, “One more thing.”
“You’ve been glowing for months, Liv. I’m glad to see you return back to us.”
Her brow was furrowed as she watched him walk back to his desk and she ran her finger along her bottom lip which was swollen from kissing Elliot. She was glad to be coming back to life as well. The last ten years she’d had happiness, but it hadn’t reached down to the deepest depths and sparked the part of her that died the day that Cragen told her Elliot put his papers in.
She’d be okay. She wouldn’t have to pretend any longer.
Chapter 22: S T O R M || Sep 13
an the second part to this will be posted sep 15 (SorryNotSorry)
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 3 • S T O R M ] || [OLIVIA & FIN] [OLIVIAxELLIOT] || 506 Words
There was a storm behind her eyes.
He saw it.
He could feel the waves of whatever had disturbed the peace and quiet of her mind rolling off of her in waves like the rains on the outer bands of a hurricane barreling down the coast. The way her nostrils flared, the way her cheeks were slightly pink, the way her fingers kept twitching at her side.
He’d only seen her like that a few times in all the years he’d known her. There were many shades of Olivia, but the pissed off variation of Olivia was the most frightening. She was a force to be reckoned with.
There were few people on earth capable of handling her when she was like this.
There was only one person who could honestly handle her when she was like this. Only one person capable of getting close enough and survive when the storm had subsided. He knew he wasn’t the person who could calm the storm behind her eyes. He knew the look on her face, and he’d become accustomed to it after Lewis.
Olivia Benson was pissed the fuck off. At the same time, she was full of grief, though her anger was more prevalent at the moment than her grief, he knew it was only a matter of time. She was like a pressure cooker. Her whistle was blowing, and if they didn’t take the lid off carefully, well, shit would go south really fast.
So, Fin did the only thing he knew how to do in this instance, he pulled out his cellphone and found the number that had just been reprogrammed into his phone for the past year.
It didn’t take him long to find them once Fin had shared the location with him. When his SUV pulled up, he saw her. She was standing there, in the alleyway, the lights around them flashing as the rain was just starting to fall out of the sky. It hadn’t picked up to the point of a torrential downpour just yet, but he knew it was only a matter of time.
As he walked underneath the caution tape, he made straight for her and when she glanced over at him, he saw it. Fin hadn’t been lying when he said that Elliot was the only one who could deal with her at the moment.
“Olivia.” Elliot stood in front of her, blocking her line of sight from the sheet in the middle of the alley. “Look at me.”
Her eyes containing the swirling abyss within them connected with his own stormy blue eyes. He couldn’t tell what method he would be required to use this evening to bring her back to solid ground, but he knew one thing without a doubt, she needed something that only he could provide her.
With his jaw set, he grabbed her arm and led her away from the scene, with Fin nodding to him that he had the situation under control.
Chapter 23: A P P E A R A N C E S || Sep 14
an i decided to bridge the 13th and 15th with this small interlude. yes, i know it's late. no, i'm not sorry
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 4 • A P P E A R A N C E S ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 649 WORDS
She’d tried her hardest to appear still in charge, still strong, still able to do her fucking job after all these years.
Standing there, she had been livid. Absolutely, unequivocally livid. She knew without a doubt that the bastard who had gone after the woman underneath the sheet in the alleyway was a very powerful, very arrogant son-of-a-bitch and she had offered to place a detail on the woman, but she’d flat out refused.
She wasn’t ready to talk about it. She just wanted to take out all her aggression and anger on the bastard’s face that was responsible for this. She wanted to find a baseball bat and do extremely questionable unethical things to the man.
The storm within her veins was raging and she couldn’t help but feel as though she needed to find some way to tamper it down or else things might not end up very well for the next asshole who crossed her path. As she just stood there, staring down at the sheet she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, eyes narrowed, and the churning in her stomach threatened to squeeze her inside out.
When he appeared, suddenly, she shouldn’t have been surprised, and when her eyes met Fin’s as Elliot moved toward her. She should have known that Fin would call Elliot. Fin just somehow knew things.
Fin knew how Elliot was the only one who was capable of grounding her, bringing her back to solid land – keep her from being the Hurricane just spinning around in circles off the shore, pummeling the land with winds and rain. Causing a flood of emotions and anger.
She shouldn’t have been surprised as his hand wrapped around her upper arm and he gently gripped it, their eyes meeting while he applied pressure steering her around the sheet in the alley, toward the SUV sitting at the end of the alleyway. When she tried to turn around and opened her mouth to say something to Elliot, he just gave her a look and she closed her mouth and allowed Elliot to open the door and she slid on into the vehicle, without a question.
He slid into the driver’s seat wordlessly, his brow furrowed as he turned his face to look at her as she was clenching and unclenching her fists over the dress pants she was wearing, her hands over her knees. Running his left hand down over his face he turned the SUV on and put it in gear.
“I didn’t need you to come save me from the scene, El.” She finally spoke, her voice low and gravelly as she stared out of the windshield, the light drops landing on the glass illuminated by the city street lights.
“I wasn’t saving you, Benson, I was saving anyone around you. Fin said you had the look in your eyes.”
“Fin needs to stop interfering with things that aren’t going to involve him.”
“Fin watches out for you, Olivia. I think he did the right thing, and so will you in a few hours.”
She huffed out a sigh as she pushed herself back into the seat, her fingers squeezing her thighs tightly. Elliot looked over at her and shook his head. She was all about keeping up appearances, but he knew without a doubt how he would have to deal with this anger and aggression. He reached over and gripped her left fist in his own hand, squeezing tightly, trying to keep her from leaving bruises on her legs.
“Let me take care of you, Liv.”
She didn’t say anything, she just kept her eyes closed and her head tilted back, her breathing becoming deeper and more leveled out, she squeezed his hand as she turned her face away from his and stared out at the buildings passing by.
He could still feel the storm radiating off of her in waves.
Chapter 24: G O L I A T H || Sep 15
an slight smut. okay, what the hell am i saying? it's kind of smutty. kind of. judge for yourself, you know i don't do raunchy - but it's pretty hot. I'm proud of it.
part 3 of storm.
by the way, i used all the words for today
[ S E P T E M B E R . 15 • G O L I A T H ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 1858 WORDS
The sky, which had only allowed tiny droplets to cascade down to the earth had finally decided to part and allow everything to seemingly fall all at once. He could still feel the storm swirling in her, despite her more relaxed stature, and the fact that her breathing wasn’t as sporadic. Her hand was warm in his, as she kept squeezing it periodically, tightly, almost as though she were reassuring herself that someone was actually hanging onto her hand. That someone was with her and trying to keep her from going under, or drowning in the emotions she was feeling.
A strangled sound of frustration crawled out as she leaned up and opened her dark eyes. When he glanced over at her at the next stop light she was looking at him and suddenly he felt his own blood run both simultaneously cold and hot at the same time. As though the blood reaching his extremities had heated up and the blood circulating back to his heart had frozen.
That was the look Fin had told him she had this evening.
That look was one that you only ever saw in the wildlife, - where there was a predator and prey interaction that had resulted in a stand-off. A situation where you knew the prey had no chance in hell of escaping without being maimed or seriously injured, or worse, killed.
There was a darkness lurking behind those usually warm eyes, and even though he knew how to diffuse it, he couldn’t deny that it still scared the shit out of him. She’d once mentioned to him early in their partnership that some people just had a darkness deep inside of them. She said you could tell by just a glance, when a person had seen things that might terrify even Goliath himself before he met David with the slingshot.
She had said that there was a dangerous line that people like that walked, a delicate balance. She said that one day, someone would come along to those people, and they would be able to shove that person just to the right of that line. For some people, it made no difference that they’d been shoved over the line, because of the strength of character of that individual; for other people, however, their entire code of ethics would be forever perverted by the shove. Nothing would ever be able to draw them back to walking that line again, and they might try to hide the perversion for as long as they could, but there would always be a trigger that would send them back over the line.
Those people, she had confessed, were the most frightening ones, because they’ve learned to survive and live amongst normal people. Those people needed someone to reign them back in.
When he had been told about her actions, and the line she had crossed from her mouth – and seen the look in her eyes, his breath had escaped his body and he had felt like he hadn’t been able to breathe again until she’d fallen asleep next to him on the couch that night. As though awake, she was a ticking bomb, and at the time, he had no idea how to diffuse her. Once she had fallen asleep, she was less dangerous, her clock had stopped ticking loudly in his ears and he could think clearly. He’d never felt more desperate in his life than he had that night.
Pulling into the garage at his apartment he shut the car off once in his space, releasing her hand. She didn’t hesitate when he began to climb out of his seat to exit the vehicle and walk towards the elevator. Standing next to her he could feel the strain and emotions still rolling off of her.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Liv.”
Her eyes turned to look at him and her brow instantly quirked as she took in his appearance. As she stepped into the elevator, he pressed the button for his floor and the minute the door closed she shoved him against the wall and brought their faces inches from one another, sharing the same air, pressing herself against his frame.
“I…don’t want to talk about it, Elliot.” her voice had dropped and the tone she was using sent shivers down his spine but he didn’t react, he just gripped her upper arm and spun her around, pressing her back against the wall of the elevator. Lowering his face even closer so that their noses were touching and their lips were millimeters apart.
“I don’t want to talk, Olivia.” Her name came out in the four syllables it took, the only difference was the tone in which he was now using with her. Her pupils darkened even more, and he now could barely make out her brown ring of her iris. His hand came up and gripped her jaw as his lips made contact with hers and she moaned against him. Her hand which had been holding onto his elbow dropped and brushed against him, as he reached down and smacked it away. “No. You’re not in control, right now, Olivia.”
He could see her desire flicker to life while every inch of his body began to crave her. He could feel her anger rolling through her still, and he knew how this was going to end this evening, he hoped that she would relinquish the control and allow him to take care of her, in the only way that she could be taken care of in times like these.
The problem with Olivia though, was that she wasn’t one to willingly submit to anyone else. But he wasn’t just anyone else, he was Elliot. And he knew being him, it came with certain liberties that she had never been able to grant anyone else. As though her very identity wouldn’t allow her to relinquish that control to just anyone. She actually viewed relinquishing that control as a sin.
By the time the elevator had come to his floor and stopped, he gripped her hand, leading her into the quiet apartment. Once the door had been shut and the chain had been placed across securely, he spun around and pressed her against the wall, his impossibly strong and hard body pressing against hers as she let out a groan while their tongues slid past one another. She bit down on his bottom lip as he gripped her chin in his hand, pulling back from her for a second, looking into her eyes and understanding what she was asking for.
Taking a step back from her, he held her by her wrists and walked backwards through his apartment, leading her to his bedroom. She followed him, the fire behind her eyes still blazing and threatening to consume everything within him. He stopped just over the threshold of the door and reached around over her shoulder, shutting his bedroom door and locking it. Dropping her wrist, he pushed her blazer off of her shoulders, nothing how it thudded when it hit the floor.
He lead her over to his bed and pushed her shoulders down, forcing her to sit on the side of the bed. Never breaking eye contact, because he understood that the moment he did, she would destruct, he never broke contact with her. His hand was always on her the entire time, his hand trailed down her arm, along her side, down her thighs, over her knees, and felt the boots she was wearing. He gripped them as he kept her dark eyes connected with his blue ones.
Divesting her of those boots, he trailed his hand back up her legs and reached forward when he edged his hands along the waist of her dress pants, fingertips grazing her stomach as he unbuttoned and unzipped her, curling his fingers into the waistline. “Lift up for a minute, Olivia.” She did as told as he pulled her pants and lacy underwear down, leaving her naked from the waist down. He dropped her pants on the floor and shoved his own jeans down, landing next to hers on the floor.
She watched him, her eyes taking in everything in front of her as his breath caught in his throat once more, the fire shooting through his veins consuming him now. Spreading her legs apart, he reached up and began unfastening her button-up blouse she was wearing, situating himself in between her legs, his knees pressed into the rug next to the bed.
She watched him, unwavering in her stare, her own breathing hitched as he shoved her blouse down over her arms, leaving her only in the matching bra to her underwear he’d already shoved down. Wrapping his arms around her thighs, he began planting kisses along the inside of her legs, closer and closer to her core, but at the last minute, kissing up along her bikini line and along the space between her hip bones right below her belly button. She let out a small growl as he kissed across in a line, reaching up and unfastening her bra while maintaining eye contact.
Pushing her up on the bed, he trailed his hands along her sides and up her arms, which he had brought above her head, reaching over and taking the pillow off of the side of the bed she’d slept on a few times and lifting her hips up, stuffing the pillow underneath her back. The entire time, their eyes connected. Holding her wrists above her head, with his left hand, he reached between them and teased her clit with his right hand, and once he was able to slide his finger along her opening, he knew she was more than ready for him.
Connecting with her when she was normally like this typically had to be rough, hard, quick, ferocious. However, he’d been having a silent conversation with her this entire time, and he knew that tonight, she would need steady, slow, measured, and hard. Something to take away the anger and the grief. Something so she felt like she was connected to solid ground.
Never releasing her hands, they moved in tandem, she was searching out his thrusts as well as his kisses, and when she bit down on his shoulder, he could feel her leaving a mark, and honestly, he didn’t mind, because there was something deep within him that liked being claimed as hers. He’d leave a mark for her too, but she wouldn’t notice it until tomorrow. As they neared the precipice together, she moaned his name, as he thrust hard into her, and she felt all her walls clamp down on him as his cock twitched inside, allowing her to milk him dry, both collapsing in a sweaty mess on his bed.
He no longer felt the storm churning in her, and as she slung her leg over him, while still connected and held him closer to her body he let out a sigh of relief as she tucked her head underneath his chin.
“I love you, El.”
“Love you too, Liv. Rest for a while, I’ll be right here.”
Chapter 25: C O N F R O N T A T I O N || Sep 16
an it's the argument and airing of grievances we all need. prepare yourselves, because sealview is mentioned here. eek.
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 6 • C O N F R O N T A T I O N ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 2269 WORDS
[October 24th 2021]
They stand across from one another, Olivia running her hands through her hair, her elbows out to the side. “Elliot, listen to me, I don’t think it’s good for you - this whole thing is all one bad idea. It’s a huge mistake, you’re just running from everything ...AGAIN.” She is overly agitated because she’d impulsively crossed the line she’d been dancing around for years, and now he was going undercover yet again as though he were trying to escape her. Escape them.
“That’s rich.” Elliot responds with a scoff, leaning against the brick wall of the warehouse.
“What the hell does that mean?” She asks, dropping her hands.
“What the hell does that mean? It means you run from things, Olivia.” Elliot responds, his blue eyes boring into hers as she opens her mouth, offended that he would say such a ridiculous statement to her.
“I’m not the one that ran away for ten fucking years, Elliot.” Olivia answers, moving closer toward him. He winces when she spits out the amount of time, for the third time since they’ve tried to have a conversation about things.
“Yes, Olivia. Let’s have a talk about people running from things they don’t want to face, why don’t we?” He pushes off the wall, as they begin to walk back and forth, circling one another as though they were two predators fighting it out in the wild, fighting for supremacy. “Drop the fucking ranks, Captain. Let’s drop the fucking idea that we were only ever just partners . Drop the fact that you are Benson and I am Stabler, and let’s talk as Elliot and fucking Olivia for once.”
“What are you saying, Elliot?” This was ridiculous.
“I’m saying that you and I need to have a serious fucking conversation, Olivia. Let’s talk about how during the entire time I was separated from Kathy, all you did was encourage me to talk it out with her, or to go back home to see my kids. Meanwhile, you were going on date after fucking date.”
“I wasn’t meant to be anything other than your partner, Elliot. At the time, we had our partnership. What the hell does it matter if I went on dates with people? The girl in payroll had no fucking problem going on a supposed date with you, did she?” She looks at him, officially pissed off beyond belief because how dare he bring up her dating life when he was just separated from his wife and not yet divorced .
“It was one date, Olivia. For fuck’s sake, is that what that was about?”
“No.” She walks over to the window and looks out, seething as she spins to find him there standing inches behind her. She brings her hands up and places them on his shoulders, pushing him out of the way as she walks past him to the center of the large room.
“I was separated. Was I supposed to be celibate?” He asks, following behind her.
“Stay the fuck right there, Elliot. I can’t think when you’re on my ass.”
“You seemed to have no problem with me being on you the other night.” He responds, smirking at her. Her mouth opens as she shakes her head, blinking rapidly and clenching her fists as he just watches her, cocky as hell.
“You already have, Olivia.”
“NO. This is so much bigger and you’re trying to deflect. Bring it back, Elliot. Let’s talk about why you think I run from shit. Let’s talk about that. Because I cannot for the life of me pinpoint any moment during our thirteen year partnership that I ran from you.”
“Computer Crimes ring a fucking bell, Olivia?” He pauses, “Sealview?”
Her eyes widen when she realizes what he’s talking about.
"You said that me and the job were the only fucking thing you had anymore. Meanwhile, Elliot, you had children. They might not have been living with you, but you had a family. I was nothing. You questioned my ability to do my job Elliot. After you’d said multiple times that you knew I was a good cop . After you’d questioned whether or not I was capable of doing my fucking job without you coming to the rescue. So yeah, I requested a new fucking partner.” She takes a deep breath and he sees her eyes flashing dangerously, almost as though there is a fire burning deep within them. He takes a step closer. “And it got me reassigned.”
“And I couldn’t stay away, could I? Because you took away yourself from the fucking equation in that minute, that one statement, and you went to Cragen, and you asked for a new partner. Why?” He throws his hands in the air, his brows raised as he studies her.
She wanted to have this conversation, and it honestly turned into the confrontation she never asked for, and he felt the massive importance of the levity of the things they were saying. It’s almost as though everything needed to be purged from their system. LIke the years were a poison running through their veins and the only antidote was going to be honesty. Complete and total honesty. He wanted to know everything. He had thought that he understood his partner better than anyone else, but the information he was gathering now made him question just how well he actually did know his partner.
Was he really this fucking blind all this time?
He took another step closer to the seething woman in front of him. Any other person would be a damn fool to step that close to a seething Olivia Benson, but Elliot isn’t just any damn fool, he’s amassed a kind of special privilege through the years.
Even in his absence, that privilege hadn't expired. She shakes her head, holding her hands up.
“Don’t.” She warns, and her voice drops an octave, an unknown edge to it that honestly terrifies the shit out of Elliot. “ You were the one I told years prior that if you couldn’t trust your partner, it was time to get a new one. You didn’t trust me. You said it, Elliot. In not so many fucking words - you said you didn’t trust me anymore. So, yeah, I went and asked for a new fucking partner.”
“Okay. I’ll give you that. I’m sorry that that’s how it came across, Olivia, but I didn’t want a new fucking partner. They gave me that jackass and then he said something about how I screwed you and you left - “
“And you took that to mean what, Elliot?” She asks, her cheeks pink. “He didn’t mean we literally screwed, he meant you fucked me over - which, you kinda did. Yelling at me in the fucking precinct hall like we were some high school lovers squabbling over the fact you went and fucked the cheerleader behind my back or some shit. It was embarrassing - how was i supposed to face the room full of men who now questioned if because I had fucking breasts if I could do my job? Yeah. I transferred out.”
“Yeah, that’s right, Elliot. Dismiss it because it makes sense.”
“You were gone a month, Olivia.”
“But I fucking came back.” She hissed, looking around the empty room. She wishes there was something she could pull her weapon on and unload into, something she could hit. Unfortunately, the only thing in the room other than herself was Elliot. So she tilts her head back and releases a growl from the back of her throat that borders on a scream. “Let’s hear why else you think I run from shit, Elliot.”
“I was recruited for that fucking assignment, Elliot. Dana Lewis made sure that once I had accidentally infiltrated the group, that I was roped into seeing it through.”
“Okay, but -”
“Shut the hell up, Elliot. I came back two weeks earlier than when Cragen welcomed me back into the fold, you seemed to have moved on quite alright without me there.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Elliot asks, confused.
“Dani? God, even Kathy hated her.” Olivia answers, “I thought, when I got back we could have a real fucking conversation because while I had been sequestered in the middle of fucking nowhere Oregon, - I had a lot of time for introspection. I didn’t want to do the job with anyone else. Ever. Elliot, I decided that I wanted to talk to you about the conversation we had in the hallway after Gitano, and when I get back, I ask for you - and she was sitting there, in my chair, claiming to be your partner and asks me if I needed anything.” Olivia points to her chest, her other hand held out to the side.
Elliot growls as he looks down at his watch, they have twenty minutes before Bell has to come back and he gets to escape this warehouse, but he wants to get through as much as possible tonight. This is a long-coming conversation and it needed to happen. Even if he didn’t want it to.
“She called you my precious Olivia .” he blurts out, “And it was fucking true. You were.. are precious to me. But, Liv, she was my partner.”
Olivia’s eyes widen as she shakes her head, “You looked a little more fucking cozy than just partners.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“God, do you think I’m that damn stupid?” Olivia feels the air suffocating her as she turns away from his eyes, and walks back past him toward the window, out at the lights. “I mean can you answer this question honestly, Elliot...did you kiss her?”
“See. I was never fucking the person you wanted, El. Back then.” She shakes her head incredulous. “Don’t you ever wonder what would have happened?”
“Every goddamn day, Olivia. From the moment we met, I wondered - it felt natural to call you my wife during undercover stints - and it shouldn’t have. ”
“You were separated for almost two years - El. But you refused to sign the goddamn paperwork.”
“I was afraid that if I signed them, I’d lose everything - my family.”
“So you forfeited the possibility of maybe building something else.” She let her hands fall and smack against her thighs and Elliot watched her breathing, her rise and fall of her chest.
“What happened in the basement, Olivia?”
Her jaw clenched as she took a deep breath, her whole demeanor changing instantly. “Why did you run back to your house after the Royce case?”
“I didn’t mean for that to happen, Olivia.”
“You’d signed the fucking papers, Elliot. We’d talked that night - and I thought that maybe - “
“What happened in the basement?”
“He assaulted me. Are you fucking happy? Harris had me handcuffed to the door and had his penis almost in my mouth when Fin burst into the room and knocked him down, handcuffing him. Is that what you wanted to hear? Elliot? I couldn’t defend myself? I couldn’t do my fucking job while undercover? Is that - are you fucking happy. ”
"It wasn’t in the report.”
“No, neither was my PTSD, Elliot. So, fuck you for wanting to know about what happened in the basement.” She took a deep breath. “Listen, we are running out of time.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“You went back home, Elliot. Goddamnit, nothing fucking mattered after Kathy told you she was pregnant. Don’t you get it? You guys had Eli on the way - and then he was born in the back of the ambulance, and I held that little boy and then you took him away from me...you took your family away from me. God.”
“I never meant to take them away, Liv.”
“Why’d you leave me without saying anything to me?” She looks like she’s seconds away from crying and he feels broken that he’s hurt her so much without even realizing it, he reaches out for her but she recoils.
“I couldn’t - Liv...I told you in the letter - I fucking fell in love with you.”
“The divorce was practically final. You didn’t have to repeat the same mistakes twice, El.”
“FUCK. I’m sorry, if you had given me any inkling of a sign that you wanted more, Olivia, I wouldn’t have hesitated!”
She felt like the ground just fell out from underneath her. “So, your wife died seven months ago, Elliot. Stop fucking running. Make up for the ten years that you weren’t around. Make up for all the fucking stupidity that we’ve had to put up with - stop. Fucking. Running.” And she doubles over practically coming apart at the seams, Elliot rushes forward and captures her in his arms before they both collapse on the ground of the warehouse.
He presses his lips against her forehead as he cradles her head in his hands, his left hand resting on her cheek. “I’m sorry. Damnit, I’m sorry i wasn’t there for the last ten years. I’m sorry I didn’t see the signs. I’m sorry.”
“I fucking love you, Elliot.” She whispers, brokenly. He tilts her face up, tears streaming down her cheeks and presses their foreheads together, their noses touching as he closes the distance and kisses her.
When he pulls back, he places both hands on her cheeks and pulls her head next to his chest, her fists balled up and resting against him, hiding her face. “I’m not running from you. I promise. I’m never running again. I love you. I’ve always loved you. We’re going to be okay, Liv. We’ve got time. I promise. I’m going to come back to you. For you.”
Chapter 26: M O T H E R || Sep 17
an I've had these written, i'm just now getting them typed up.
part ii of August 29.
[S E P T E M B E R . 1 7 • M O T H E R ] || [ELLIOTxOLIVIA] || 556 WORDS
“I just need your signature.”
She dropped the pen in front of him like he’d seen her do thousands of times in interviews in interrogation, in front of the people responsible. It was sometimes intimidating, but he knew that whatever she was giving him was likely something that meant a lot to her, because she’d ordered dinner from their favorite Italian place earlier in the evening.
He glances down at the envelope in front of him and reaches to lift it up in front of his face. Pulling the documents out of the brown envelope, he looked down at the papers that she’d shoved between the two of them. She was smirking looking between his face to the papers, but as she noticed him reaching for the stack of papers, the smile slid off of her face.
He’d been meaning to ask her about Noah’s father. He’d been trying to figure it out for months. He’d stared at various photos, tried to look between both Olivia and the photos on her shelves. He’d seen her staring at him staring at the photos with an amused look on her face. He’d never found it within him to ask, and now she was looking at him with her head tilted, her brows furrowed.
“El?” She asks, looking from his face back to the papers again, placing her hand over the top of the stack. “You okay?”
“I –“ He placed his hand over the top of hers. “Liv, are you sure about this? It’s a huge step. We haven’t even discussed, - “
“I wouldn’t have gotten the paperwork for you to sign if I wasn’t positive, Elliot.” She whispers. “I know we haven’t discussed it…but, I have never been more positive about anything in my life.” She took a moment to lean back in the chair, observing him. “You haven’t even asked me anything about how I managed to become a mom.”
Did it bother him? The very thought that he had missed out on seeing her become a mother, in whatever respect she had done it - was enough to paralyze his heart. So, yes, he’d wondered. He’d wondered who had fathered him. He’d wondered what she’d looked like pregnant. He wondered what she looked like after giving birth, if she looked just as beautiful as she always did.
“He is adopted, Elliot. You can stop looking at all my friends’ photos trying to figure out who sired my son. You won’t find his father there.”
“You – wow. I’m…an ass.” Elliot laughed, shaking his head. “I thought for sure it had to be one of them. They all had icy blue eyes – and I was hoping that it wasn’t…well.” He trailed off when she gave him “the look” that quite literally told him not to bring up the Tucker thing again. “I’ll never understand it Liv, I know we talked about it, but I’ll never ever understand it.”
“You win though.” She shrugs. “I didn’t let him sign these papers.” She points at the documents between the two of them. “I’m his mother, and I’m asking you to be his father.” She takes a deep breath, “You’re the only one I would have ever considered…” She bites her bottom lip, “So, what do you say, Elliot? You want to have a child with me?”
Chapter 27: S I L E N C E || Sep 18
[ S E P T E M B E R . 1 8 • S I L E N C E ] || [ OLIVIA x ELLIOT ] || 646 WORDS
Olivia stood across from Elliot, her brown eyes meeting with his blue for the hundredth time. He held his hands out to the side, opening his mouth but not saying anything. Her eyes were just studying his for a moment, before she turned her head to the side, looking down as her hands held the pocket out to the side inside her jacket.
Fin was standing next to the black SUV, his fingers in the edges of his vest, watching the two former partners. Next to him on the right, stood Amanda Rollins and she was just watching the two of them. To the left was Sergeant Bell, her arms crossed in front of her and her right brow arched elegantly.
Elliot shifted on his feet and tilted his head back as Olivia tilted her head forward and looked up at him through her lashes, shaking her head.
Amanda leaned toward Fin’s ear as she swallowed the saliva that was in her throat. “What the hell are they doin’?” She whispered.
“Talkin’.” Fin answered, shrugging.
“I don’t hear a damn thing.” Amanda muttered underneath her breath. Bell leaned around to look at Rollins and shook her head.
“Nah, they do this shit all the time, at least, they used to.” He takes a deep breath of his own, “I don’t know how they do it, but they have this whole language that they use to communicate – it’s pretty damn phenomenal.” Fin chuckles as he watches Olivia reach out with her hand and grab Elliot’s forearm, pulling him closer as their faces are a foot apart.
Elliot’s the one shaking his head now, his lips not even moving as Olivia drops his arm and her chest heaves as though she’s yelling at him silently.
“I don’t know about you two, but I’d watch this all day.” Bell leans back against the hood of the SUV behind them. “This is some serious silent conversation. I hope she’s tearing him a new one.”
“Nah, she’s calling him an idiot.” Fin replies. “I watched this shit for 11 years, I kinda became familiar with some of their conversations. It’s scarier when they’re interrogating someone and you watch the way they communicated, backing one another’s play – changing on a dime. They never even spoke before going into an interrogation. So for her to be yelling at him silently right now, he must’ve done something incredibly stupid.”
“I’d like to be a fly on the wall when they actually yell at one another.” Amanda chuckles, watching Olivia cross her arms in front of her.
“Nah, you don’t want that either.” Fin says, “You think this silent argument is intense? Don’t wanna see them yell and scream at one another – you can ask Don about it, ‘Manda. He’ll give you the rundown of their greatest hits and the amount of Motrin he had to keep in his drawer through the years.”
“Liv never talked about Elliot when she was mentoring me.” Ayanna states, her arms still crossed, shaking her head. “I never understood it, until I saw the two of them interact when he first got back.”
“Nah, they’re in a different place, now.” Fin speaks, nodding, “They’re stopping their conversation now, just watch – he just acquiesced.”
“Elliot, what the fuck were you thinking?” She finally speaks, breaking the silence between the two of them.
“Liv, I lost it.” He shrugged, turning his head away. “I – I lost it.”
“Well.” She states simply, “Let’s hope you don’t again.”
She shakes her head and walks toward Fin. “Let’s go, Fin.” She slides in the passenger seat of the SUV and looks through the window, shaking her head at Elliot who is now standing in front of Bell. Fin slides in the driver’s seat as Amanda gets in the back and the three of them drive away from the building, in silence.
Chapter 28: G E N E S x P E R F E C T || Sep 19
|| [ S E P T E M B E R . 1 9 • G E N E S x P E R F E C T ] ||
|| [ ELI x OLIVIA ] [ OLIVIA x ELLIOT ] || 1007 WORDS ||
Eli Stabler had seen photos of Olivia Benson. The one photo he’d seen the most was of her with cropped hair, large brown eyes and wearing a blue shirt covered in his mother’s blood. But the smile on her face, as she held him, swaddled in a blanket, was radiant, and her brown eyes had always struck him. Growing up, he’d always looked at his mother and father, then to his siblings, and wondered to himself why they all had blue eyes.
He’d hold the photo of his father’s former partner, Olivia, and look at her eyes. They were much like his. Almost a perfect match to his own. It was a fluke in the genes, he used to believe once he learned about genes in seventh grade.
Then, after years of seeing them only in photographs, she was there. Standing in the background at the funeral of his mother. Standing in the background, hovering at a distance, like a guardian angel of his family. He’d noticed his father turning to look at Olivia during the graveside service. He’d noticed his siblings giving Olivia a hug after the service. She just looked at him, as she passed by, squeezing his arm, offering a small half-smile. It was supposed to be reassuring, but to Eli, he didn’t know what to think about it.
Then, Kathleen and Maureen wanted to do an intervention. Kathleen said their father was struggling, that he shouldn’t be alone with him, his PTSD was dangerous, that their father was losing grip with reality. So, Eli sat there as Olivia stood in the room with his siblings, who seemed to welcome her in as though she were already part of their family. She looked like she belonged in the room with them all.
She’d smiled at him a few times, as though she was remembering something. He knew what that look was – his father had gotten it a few times over the years while they lived in Italy. His father would glance down at the photo Eli would look at in his album and would have the same forlorn expression on his face.
His mother had mentioned to his father that he should just call her. His dad had always shaken his head and declined. Had said no. He couldn’t. He just can’t.
“Eli, I know you don’t remember me – “
“You helped mom deliver me. In the back of an ambulance.” Eli states, his brown eyes meeting her own brown ones, as she nods.
“Yes, that’s right, I did.” Her voice was calming, and Eli decided that he did like Olivia, just like his siblings did. “I hope we can be friends, Eli.” She smiled at him, her brown eyes looked watery in the dim light of the living room.
“Katie says that you were dad’s best friend.” Eli looks from Olivia over to where Katie and Maureen were talking, by the table inside of the long-term stay hotel room. Olivia follows his line of sight and nods, sadly.
“I used to be.” She looks as though the very title of best friend was one that tortured her. “A long time ago. Listen, what we’re going to do here tonight is try to make it so your dad realizes that he can’t…” she swallowed, closing her brown eyes and then tilting her head to the side, her hands enveloping his. “Can’t keep going on like he is. We just want him to get better, so he can be there for you and your siblings.”
“What about you?” Eli asks. Olivia pulls back for a moment, surprised by his question.
“I’m not important here, what is important is you…and your siblings.” She answers, smiling kindly at him. Eli just looks at her, and furrows his brows, pushing his hair out of his eyes and she pats the back of his hand, standing.
Thirty minutes later, he’s sitting in the living room with his siblings and Olivia. They’re all staring at her as she takes a deep breath and turns to look back at them all. Her brown eyes meet with Eli’s for a moment and even though his father had just said he loved her, then corrected himself by saying he loved all of them; Eli knew the original statement had been true.
When his father had gone undercover, she’d checked in on him, made him feel as though he was part of her family during that time.
It had been her, Noah, and Eli. He’d gotten to know her quite well during that time. He’d noted the way she would watch him and Noah while they had been doing homework together, or the way Eli and Noah would laugh while playing Mario Kart together. She’d even made an attempt to find out what Eli’s favorite foods were, what drinks he preferred, and what his favorite subjects were in school.
She never once tried to act like his mother, but she’d listened to him, and made sure he was comfortable. Eli had immediately felt comfortable in her home. It was warm, inviting, and full of love.
Eight months after his mother had died, his father had set him down and asked him if he liked Olivia.
Eli had been honest with his father, - it didn’t matter what he thought…as long as he was happy, that was all that mattered to him. And it was evident that Olivia made his father happy. His father was better the more time he spent with Olivia.
Olivia would watch Eli, a smile on her face, and when the waitress at the restaurant had said that they made a beautiful family, he’d noted the look his father had given Olivia.
Even though he didn’t share any genes with Olivia, he felt like maybe family was perfect when people looked like they belonged together.
She wasn’t perfect, but she was a perfect balance to his father, and to Eli? She’d been able to fill a void that the death of his mother had left.
Chapter 29: S C H E H E R A Z A D E || Sep 20
[ S E P T E M B E R . 2 0 • S C H E H E R A Z A D E ] || [ ELLIOT x OLIVIA ] || 852 WORDS
AS TOLD BY ELI STABLER -
[ ELI ]
You came over for dinner again, which had become somewhat of a normal thing lately. It started after dad had gotten back after doing his first undercover operation just after Memorial Day weekend. It had been after he’d started looking a little bit better, a little more put together, and then – the hospital happened. After he came home that night, he seemed…different.
He began searching for ways to escape, - at first, you thought maybe he would figure out something that would ground him…and when he started going to a gym, you thought maybe exercise would be healthy for him. He definitely didn’t look like someone that would get his ass kicked on the sidewalk anymore. We had moved into our new apartment, that night at the end of September.
Katie had always expressed that you were the only person in New York that dad would listen to. That you held a greater influence over him than even mom ever had. After dinner, I had excused myself to my room to do my homework, and when I came out two hours later to tell you and dad goodnight, you were standing on the patio, a glass of red wine held gently underneath your fingertips. I watched from the kitchen as I took a cold water bottle out of the fridge the way you leaned against the railing. You must’ve come over for dinner straight from work, because your blazer was discarded on the couch in the living room, and despite it being the end of September, it was unnaturally warm that night.
Dad must’ve said something funny, because you tilted your head back and laughed. It was one of those laughs that anyone rarely hears, - the one that seemingly comes from your toes. Dad had a smile on his face as he brought his own glass up to his lips, and the way he looked at you was curious.
I’d already intruded on a quiet moment between the two of you, so I just went back to my room and shut off the light. I lay there in the dark for twenty minutes, before I heard the door slide closed again and movement in the living room. You both must’ve thought I was asleep because I heard dad remark on it. You just replied that I had probably gotten tired after doing my homework, that Noah sometimes fell asleep doing his homework at the table, and that you’d had to wake him up a few times.
Dad tells you for the hundredth time that you’re a good mom, and I could see your expression now, when I close my eyes. You’d always tilt your head to the left slightly, and press your lips together, inhaling and shaking your head slightly. As though those words falling from dad’s lips have a greater weight than anyone else’s.
I asked Katie about it, a couple of days ago. She laughed, like any big sister does, and placed her hand on my arm, smiling kindly and looking at me with the same bright blue eyes dad has, - and explained that dad’s words to you and yours to him, - they are heavier than anyone else’s. They carry within them a deeper meaning that no one else will ever truly understand. I think what she was saying is that there’s emotion behind them, something deep. Something old. Something ancient. Something that he and mom never quite had.
Katie’s tried to explain to me a million times over the last few months that you just belong in our family, Olivia. That you were what was missing. That dad loved mom, but it’s different from the love he has for you. I’m only a teenager, but even I am not that blind.
So, as I was laying there, dad asks you to tell him a story. He’s done this a few times since you’ve started talking again. Asked you to tell him a story. But this time, I lay there on top of my covers, my hands behind my head, and I listen to your story as well.
Katie said that you have one of the most calming voices out of anyone she’s ever met, that the way you enunciate words, the way you speak, the volume of your voice, - sometimes, it could be something similar to a chorus to the angels. As you begin to tell your tale, I think of one of the books we just studied in Literature class. Arabian Nights. The way you tell your story, it’s just like Scheherazade.
The only difference between her and you, is that you aren’t a princess, and dad isn’t a king. The only difference is that you wouldn’t have to be manipulated into telling him 1000 stories over 1001 nights to get him to spare your life to listen to another story. Your endgame wouldn’t involve getting him to fall in love with you at all, because I don’t know if you knew this or not, Olivia Benson, but dad? He’s been in love with you since the day he met you.
Chapter 30: S H A T T E R E D x A N C H O R || Sep 21
an well, here it is. the third to last prompt. i'm seriously going to miss these. i hope you've enjoyed them. if you'd like a piece to be something more, just let me know - and i'll consider expanding it.
playlist: Ursine Vulpine ft. Annaca - Without You
[ S E P T E M B E R . 2 1 • S H A T T E R E D x A N C H O R ] || [ ELLIOT x OLIVIA] || 1252 WORDS
She has a very particular set of skills.
It’s been her greatest asset in all of her years. A coping mechanism that she uses to her advantage. She should really learn to make better mistakes.
Hard case? Go out. Drink. Flirt. Run her hand down someone’s arm, capture their hand in her own, drag them out of the bar and go back to their place.
“What do you do for a living?”
Every. Single. Damn. Time. They would always ask her.
She’d push her hair out of her face and take a deep breath, flash that million-watt smile at them, shake her head, lie. If they found out what she did for a living, they had one of three reactions. She didn’t want to talk about herself. She didn’t want to talk about work. She didn’t want to talk at all.
The minute she told them she was a cop? Their illusions and fantasies all shattered. Then, they’d want one of three things.
- To be handcuffed.
- Details about her job.
- Some twisted fantasy.
Or, they’d be intimidated that she could beat their ass by herself and run away quickly, to find some other dainty piece of ass in the bar.
Chances are, she’d see that girl a few days later at the precinct and go arrest the prick that she’d turned down. Meeting men in bars was a bad idea.
She gave up on dating. Relied on connections through colleagues. It was easier to date people who worked in the same field, different precincts. It was easier to date lawyers. It was easier to date firemen. It was easier, because they understood.
Her dreams of having a family? With every single passing year in SVU, she kissed them goodbye. Every single time the clock counted down at midnight with every passing New Year, she would sigh with sadness and tell herself that maybe this would be the year.
Her partner was so close to being divorced, they had been dancing around one another for so long…his wife had even begged her to get him to sign the papers, but he’d decided on his own.
Then, with two words, her dreams had shattered and she realized somewhere along the road that maybe some people were meant to be married to their jobs. Maybe some people weren’t supposed to hope for things they knew they couldn’t have.
Maybe their careers were the only children that they needed. It didn’t stop her heart from aching with every child that came through the doors of the precinct that had been abused. She wanted to keep them all for herself. To shield them away from the world.
Her world shattered for the second time when she sat on the floor of the precinct with her knees absorbing the blood pouring from Sister Peg’s body. Her hands stained with the same viscous liquid, - she stood in the shower stall after speaking with Internal Affairs, scrubbing her skin raw, but the blood wouldn’t come off. Her tears mixed with Peg’s blood in the bottom of the shower, going down the drain.
He hadn’t said one word to her since they’d met eyes across the room.
August came, and he’d decided to shut her out, completely. Not even a peep.
Life spun on. She found herself dating again.
She couldn’t open herself up to anyone else because her walls had been built twenty feet high with barbed wire at the top.
There was only one person who could traverse those treacherous walls.
“Blink your lights.”
She didn’t have anyone there to tell her to blink her lights, no one waiting on the signal from the street.
“That old partner of yours…well, he sounds very macho, doesn’t he? It must’ve been tough for you…all those long nights alone in the car.”
“You don’t get to talk about him.”
She shattered when she realized that she had been fighting monsters so long that he’d been the tipping point and she was now one of them herself. She was the product of a violent and cruel man, a monster.
“It’s not all about the genes, Liv.”
She died inside as she walked out of the house on Long Island and failed to meet the eyes she’d yearned for while barely conscious the last four days. The man she’d spoken about.
“My old partner, he’d know what to do. He wouldn’t question himself after what you’ve done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face.”
Her trial forced it into the universe.
“You came into the bedroom, started talking to me about your romantic fantasies about your ex-partner. How he would have known what to do with me.”
She didn’t even deny it. “He would have.”
The relationship that had been so familiar and comfortable became strained when she thought for sure she was going to have the one thing she’d given up on. It had run its course. As most things do.
He was right. She was never going to bare her soul to him. Ever. It wasn’t his to receive.
She found the little blue eyed, dark haired baby in a drawer.
She fell in love with that tiny human, and knew deep down that sometimes, some people just belong to other people.
Someone she didn’t have to pretend to be someone else around. Someone who knew her through the years. Someone who understood her.
Or so she thought. It wasn’t until he asked her to think about retiring that she knew it had run its course as well.
Other things came up through the years, things that should have shattered the hell out of what was left of her spirit, her very soul. But every single time something traumatic happened, she swallowed the anger and uncertainty. She did her job. She didn’t allow it to pull her under.
Tucker committed suicide.
Elliot came back.
Elliot…came back. And Kathy got blown up. Kathy…died. Just like that.
He handed her a letter. She read it and wanted to scream at him. She wanted to curse him out, grip him around the neck and choke the shit out of him because – how dare he say those things to her in a fucking letter.
Elliot – has really bad PTSD. He laughed at her when she told him she knew he had it. That cracked her glass a little.
Katie asked her to help with an intervention, so that he would seek help.
They had the intervention - Elliot said….
“I love you.”
The entire glass ceiling came crashing down, shattered into a million pieces. She told him to grab onto her anyway. To let her be his anchor.
He’s running away again. Maybe not out of NYC, but from accepting the truth. From facing his issues.
She can’t allow that.
She told him, she can’t. She really honestly, truly cannot allow him to run. He has to face this head on. They have to clear the air, they have to – they have to fight this out. She has to tell him everything because he thinks he loves one version of her, and there’s a myriad of colors that now make up the woman she is today. The mother she is. The Captain she’s become.
She’s stronger, but at the same time crumbling inside because the one person she always trusted with her heart made of porcelain dropped it and let it shatter ten years ago.
She’s fearless, because she knows what it takes to survive. What it takes to look into the darkest abysses and pull herself out of it. She knows what she’s capable of. He has no idea.
He looks at her, and she can see it in his eyes, he thinks she’s beautiful. But he has no idea the scars she’s hiding beneath the layers of her armor. He’s already put several dents in her chainmail since being back. He’s thrown her off balance. She can’t allow that.
But would it be so bad? She has to ask herself, would it be so bad if for once in her life, she allowed him in? She tells herself he can’t mean as much to her as he once did, because if she were to give him that sort of power over her, and then left again – or keeps running away – she won’t survive.
The last piece of glass she’s standing on is cracking and when she looks into his blue eyes, she’s prepared to drown in his ocean. His lips connect with hers in a moment of quiet desperation before he goes undercover again, and as he walks away from her, the tears stream down her face and she feels like he’s dropped his anchor on her and now she’s sinking to the bottom.
But if she had to choose a way to go – she’ll choose this a million times over.
Chapter 31: C O M P L I C A T E D || Sep 22
an for Sara and Kerri. I told you I would make "Cinderelliot" Fic-Canon, and I did.
playlist Play with Fire - Sam Tinnesz ft. Yacht Money
|| [ S E P T E M B E R . 2 2 • C O M P L I C A T E D ] ||
|| [ ELLIOTxOLIVIA ] [ ELLIOT & FIN ] [ OLIVIA & AYANNA ] [ FIN & OLIVIA ] ||
|| 1818 WORDS ||
“It’s a complicated undercover assignment, Liv.” Ayanna Bell stood on the top floor of the OCCB Headquarters across from Olivia. Olivia was leaning against the wall, next to the large arched windows staring out at the buildings. The main squad room was on the second floor, while the upper floor held spare things and unfinished space. It wasn’t the first time she’d been up there, but the reason she was there today was because she’d received word that he was having something to do with Arson.
Arson. Fire. Explosions. Burning. Flames. Her eyes widened as she took a deep breath. He’d only been to a few therapy sessions before going under. It made zero sense for him to be playing with the very thing that had caused his wife’s demise. He was literally playing with fire. She fucking hated fire. She hated flames. She used to love candles, but not anymore. Not since…
“Complicated.” Olivia repeated, a strained smile forming while her mouth was slightly opened. She pulled out her phone from her pocket and found a photo that she’d taken with all of his kids and Noah before he’d gone under. She turned it around to show Ayanna. “That, the girl in the back? That’s Maureen. She’s thirty-six, just got married two years ago,- she and her husband, Carl, they’ve been trying to start a family and the loss of her mother? That was devastating because believe it or not, they were only seventeen years apart in age. They literally grew up together. Next to Maureen, is Kathleen. Katie is brilliant. She’s kind, funny, sweet, - she put El through hell when she was just sixteen. But now? She works with rape victims and advocates for them. She legitimately turned her entire life around. Do you know the first person she calls when she thinks her father has gone off the deep end? Me.”
Olivia shakes her head, “I was the one she called when Elliot was showing signs of PTSD in the weeks following Kathy’s murder. She understood that once her mother died, her father needed me.” Olivia swallowed the bile that had risen in her throat. “These two? On either side of Noah?” She asked, “That’s Elizabeth and Richard. They’re twins. They’re twenty-eight years old, - sweetest children I had ever met, and they are a riot to watch fight. But they just lost their mother, who had been to every single play, every single football game, and had been there for every single dance.” She inhales, “This - ”– She points to the young man next to her on the couch in the photo, “Is Elliot Joseph Stabler Junior. He was born in the back of a fucking ambulance while I watched helplessly while his mother coded on the way to the hospital four times after we’d been involved in a car accident. He’s fourteen years old and the sweetest young man I’ve ever met. I knew him when he was four – but then, his father just dis-a-fucking-ppeared out of my life.”
“You know my son, Noah, he just met Elliot – but he fucking loves him already and he’s only known him for less than a month. Elliot hung the fucking stars in that kid’s eyes – and I told Elliot he couldn’t just fuck off after meeting him because if he did, I would never forgive him. So, you want to hear complicated, Ayanna, this, - “ she motioned in a circle with her finger around the phone and the photograph, “THIS is complicated. Because this family? They lost their mother. They don’t need to lose their father as well.”
“Liv, - he’s going to be fine. I promise.”
“Is that what you told Gina Cappelletti’s family too, Ay? He needs to come home and he needs to continue his therapy. I need to know he’s going to be okay when he comes back. I can’t allow him to be around Noah if he’s anything like he was the first two months he was back. He needs to come home.”
“To his kids, or to you? Captain, I don’t think you’re being very objective. What’s this about, Liv?”
Olivia rolled her eyes and tilted her head back, huffing out a sigh while crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“His mother showed up a few nights ago. Asking for him. I had to tell her I didn’t know where the hell he was.” Olivia took a few steps over to an old chair and sat down, tucking her steeped hands between her knees. “I don’t.” She lifted her right hand and scratched her eyebrow, “He needs to come deal with it. I can’t. I’ve got my own shit going on with SVU and the Chief and this case with a Senator who’s announced his presidential candidacy.” She shook her head, closing her eyes, “I mean, his mother loves me, but…I’m not family.”
“Seems to me you are.” She chuckled, “You wannabe his family.”
“Just tell him his mother’s back.” Her eyes flashed dangerously as she stood from the chair, “Tell him Bernie is currently crashing at my place, - I’ve got to go, I have to pick up Noah from dance.”
[ THE NEXT DAY ]
Odafin Tutuola knew things. He knew how to find people. So, when he asked for the man who knows how to make the world burn, - he knew he’d find the man he was looking for. He’d heard from Liv what Stabler’s job had entailed, and he knew from his days in Narcotics what that meant for Stabler. He knew Ayanna as well. Phoebe had told him who to ask for, without telling him she knew who he was looking for.
Pulling into the empty parking lot, he stood outside of his vehicle. The one that couldn’t be traced back to the precinct, or any cop, or even Fin. He’d used the burner car. When Ashes stepped out of his vehicle, Fin tilted his chin up at him as they walked nearer to each other.
“You.” Elliot looked around at the buildings, “Why are you here? Is she okay? Did something happen?”
“No.” Fin answered, holding his hand out, “Ghost.”
Elliot took his hand in his own and understood. Fin was there to pass on a message, one that he wasn’t allowed to be passing on, but was taking a risk to pass on because it was important. “Listen man, she’s fine, but she’s dealing with a lot of shit right now while you’re out here playing Cinderelliot.”
Elliot’s eyes widened, “Cinder – what the fuck is that, man?”
“Listen, I said what I said, man.” Fin shook his head, crossing his arms in front of his chest, surveying Elliot with a curled lip. “She hates that you’re out here playin’ with fire.”
“She’s not my mother.” Elliot laughed harshly, his tone lower than usual. All part of the persona, Fin noted, his head still shaking as he watched the man in front of him. “I’m doing what I gotta do.”
“Yeah, you do what you gotta do to stay alive, man.” Fin retorted. “You’re a damn fool, Ashes.” He dropped his hands, sticking them in his pants pockets. “If you see her, don’t go near her smelling like no damn smoke. She’ll have nightmares for two weeks.”
“Look man, it’s not my story to tell. She’s been through some tough shit, and she deserves peace and happiness. She’s a damn Phoenix, Ashes.
“I’m sorry I can’t help you, Ghost.” Elliot backed up, putting his hand on the door of the vehicle he was driving.
“You know, she might not be your mother, but she is dealing with your mother.”
“My – what?”
“She showed up. Been staying with Mo, but she’s been hanging around with her during the time she’s off. Noh’s happy to see her, but man, she’s losing her damn mind with your mother.”
“My mom knows Noah?”
“You were gone a lot of years, man. Get your shit together, Cinderelliot. Your clock’s striking midnight and this shit is turning into a pumpkin. The longer it takes you to get it together, the worse the burn you’re leaving.”
“I have to punch you, you know that, right?” Elliot steps closer to Fin, shaking his head, his smile spreading on his face which has a beard on it.
“They’re watchin’.” Fin nods. “Do what you gotta do. I’ll deal with it later, just, - reach out man. You can’t leave her fucking hanging like this anymore. She can’t take it.”
[ 1 HR 30 MINS LATER ]
Fin stands outside of the door of Olivia’s apartment, pressing a piece of gauze against his cheek, his nose bleeding. He knocks and Noah opens the door after Fin identifies himself through the door with the special code Olivia set up between her squad and son.
“Mom! Uncle Fin’s bleeding.” Olivia came from around the corner, wiping her hands on a towel.
“Fin, What the fu-“
“Language, Olivia.” A voice comes from behind her and she rolls her eyes, shaking her head. Fin watched as Bernie Stabler walked over to Noah and placed her hands on the boy’s shoulders guiding him back into the apartment, “Noah, the ‘f’ word is obscene. We don’t use it. Let’s go check on those cookies.”
Fin waited until the older woman and the young boy were out of earshot. “I told Cinderelliot that his clock was striking twelve.”
“Oh, Fin. You didn’t have to go – “
“It’ll be alright, Liv. He’ll come home to you soon, I promise.”
“That’s what everyone keeps telling me.” She looks down at her hands sadly, spinning the wedding band he’d passed onto her around her thumb. “I just hope when he comes back he’ll be able to still wear his badge. I think he’s toeing a line.” She bit her bottom lip, “You want me to patch that up for you?”
“Nah, I got it. Go spend time with your family.” He pauses, “For what it’s worth? He’s gonna stick around Liv.”
“I hope so, Fin.”
“Nah, he asked about you the minute he saw me.” Fin took a deep breath, shrugging. “He’s gonna come home, Liv. I promise. If he doesn’t – I’ll shoot his ass myself. Call it payback for John.”
Olivia closed the door behind her, taking a deep breath before turning around to go join Bernie and Noah in the kitchen. She hoped it was sooner rather than later that he’d come back home. To both his mother and children, - and to her and Noah. She brought her thumb up and stared at the band that had always kept them apart, but was now tying them together temporarily. The only thing she had left of him until he could be himself again.
She just hoped that it wasn’t overly complicated to remember who he was exactly.
Chapter 32: C A P T A I N x D E T E C T I V E || Sep 23
author's note well, here it is. the final chapter.
all the quotations between the lines are taken from anna karenina by leo tolstoy. in my opinion, it's one of the greatest love stories of all time. much like these two detectives. you'll understand here in a moment what i'm saying when you are finished with it.
playlist - ruelle - i get to love you
[ S E P T E M B E R . 2 3 • C A P T A I N x D E T E C T I V E ] ||
[ OLIVIAxELLIOT ] || 1473 WORDS
Love is an intangible feeling that even in its simplest form is difficult to understand and damn near impossible to pinpoint. Throughout the centuries, philosophers have tried to describe it. Throughout the centuries in art, sculptors and painters have tried to capture the very essence of it with their paints and colors. Throughout the centuries in literature, authors have tried to explain it.
No one seems to be able to capture the all encapsulating emotion that drives people to do things they wouldn’t normally do in the name of it. No one seems to be able to capture what love is or how to know it exists within our hearts. It’s just one of those things that is.
Love, it seems, is complex. But, is it really? Maybe people are complicated and love…isn’t.
When she was younger, Olivia Benson found herself falling in love with the words written by Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina. It wasn’t until she began working as a Detective with the 16th precinct and was assigned to one Detective Elliot Stabler that she suddenly found the words on the pages reflecting more or less her own feelings.
“All the diversity,
all the charm,
and all the beauty of life
are made up of light and shade.”
She remembers the first time she looked at him and realized that there was more to this man that met the eye. It was after a particularly trying case and he had been all rage and injustice at the crime that was committed. Though she rarely flinched, she had jumped when he had slammed the man’s head against the window in the box and when they walked out of the room after he confessed to his crime against the little girl, he had also admitted to several additional crimes. When she’d gone to the locker room to catch a breath, he had followed.
He followed and made sure that he apologized for making her jump. She’d tried to wave it off, but then he told this story about his second oldest daughter, Katie, and she melted inside – looking at this man who was suddenly so soft and easy to smile at. She looked at him differently that day – because even though he was rough with the suspects, he was truly a giant teddy bear when it came to dealing with women and children, and especially her.
“He looked at her as a man might look at a faded flower he had plucked,
in which it was difficult for him to trace all the beauty that had made him pick
and so destroy it.”
She knew he never meant for it to happen. She never meant for it to happen, but it had. The moment he looked at her with his crystal blue eyes and told her “I’m sorry.” And told her “It’s okay.” she had closed her eyes and shook her head for a split second. She could never pull the trigger against him. She would never be able to. She’d rather turn the barrel on her own heart and pull the trigger before she ever would pull it facing him.
I can’t. I’m sorry.
He always ran away before he could admit what it was he really wanted to say to her. Because he knew if he said it out loud, it would make it true. It would destroy every last delicate thing that they'd built.
“The more he did nothing, the less time he had to do anything.”
"Any way you want to have children, I'll support you."
He'd already gone back home at that point. He was ridiculous and ran out of time to do anything for her. Anything at all.
Then, the shooting.
She didn’t hear from him for ten years.
In those ten years, she realized that it didn’t matter she hadn’t heard his voice. If she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she could feel him. She felt his presence all the time. Before she’d walk into a room she would take an even deeper breath and look up to the sky, they weren’t getting any younger.
It didn’t matter that she hadn’t seen him at all during those ten years. The minute he was in front of her again, she realized it never mattered. Nothing mattered to them except for the present, and if that’s all she was given, she would make damn sure that neither of them would live to regret anything ever again.
“It will pass, it will all pass, we’re going to be so happy!
If our love could grow any stronger,
it would grow stronger because there is something horrifying in it.”
When she realized she was still in love with him, it was during the middle of a case just months after he’d gotten back. She’d excused herself to the ladies’ room and had been surprised when her Sergeant, appeared leaning against the door and locking the lock while she collapsed to the floor in wracking sobs while he crouched down and pulled her into his arms.
“Liv, it’ll be alright.”
“It’s too much.” She had admitted to her sergeant, her hand held over her chest. “I thought I – I thought I was …”
“It’s never been over between the two of you.” He’d whispered against her head and she just gripped his arm tighter, shaking her head and repeating the multiple no’s that were escaping her sobbing body. “Doesn’t matter the amount of years, Liv. What you two have? Most people only dream of.”
Being in love with Detective Elliot Stabler was horrifying, because she realized it never mattered that he had left. It just made her heart ache more deeply for the man. The Captain was at a total loss.
“Anna had been preparing herself for this meeting,
had thought what she would say to him,
but she did not succeed in saying anything of it;
his passion mastered her.
She tried to calm him, to calm herself,
but it was too late. His feeling infected her.
Her lips trembled so that for a long while she could say nothing.”
When he returned into her life, they sat in the hospital and had a discussion.
"You were the single most - important person in my life and you disappeared."
"If I heard your voice, I wouldn't have been able to leave."
The admissions took the air right out of their lungs.
A few months later, they had found a new rhythm. A new cadence. A new position with one another.
“Tell me what you want from this.” He’d said to her standing on the roof of the 1-6 at New Year’s Eve. She’d taken a deep breath, the crisp and cool air cutting through her lungs and leaving her body as quickly as it had invaded. “I have to know, where do you see this going?”
She’d stared up at him with tears in her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip. “Honestly, El?” She asked, her brown eyes digging into his blue ones with an intensity that he’d come to love and appreciate in the last few months. The lights that they’d strung up on the roof were lit and as the snowflakes began to fall down on top of them, she sighed heavily.
“I just…I can’t believe it’s true. I get to love you. I want to love you. I want to just…be with you. All the time. Every minute of every single day, Elliot. I’ve spent too much time running from this, and I’ve already told you that you’re it for me. But that’s my promise to you, I’ll always choose your heart. I’ll always choose your arms, and I’ll always choose you. No matter how many people tell me to stay away from you, I won’t listen to them. You’re my everything. Love is a journey and I promise I’m not leaving. Just…remember this moment, and every moment since October with me. Because goddamnit, we aren’t promised tomorrow at all, Elliot. But right now? I get to love you. And you get to love me. So do it, fucking love me, Detective.”
“You must understand,” said he, “it’s not love. I’ve been in love, but it’s not that.
It’s not my feeling, but a sort of force outside of me has taken possession of me.
I went away, you see, because I made up my mind that it could never be you,
you understand, as a happiness that does not come on earth;
but I’ve struggled with myself, I see there’s no living without it.
And it must be settled.”
As he wrote on the pink post-it note telling her not to be late, he smiled. This was forever. It was settled. Love was a journey. It hadn’t been easy, but this is where they were. Where they were always supposed to be.
- finis -