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Tokyo Revengers Incorrect Quotes

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Emma: Looking left cause you don’t treat me right(looking at Draken)


Mikey: Looking right because you left(looking at his siblings)


Chifuyu: Looking up cause you let me down(looking at Baji)


Takemichi: Looking down cause you fucked up(looking at Mikey)


Mitsuya: What is wrong with you guys?

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Takemichi: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Emma: 'Prettiest Smile'

Hina: 'Nicest Personality'

Yuzuha: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Senju: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

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Chifuyu: Good morning.

Takemichi: Good morning.

Draken: Good morning.

Mikey: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.


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Shinichiro: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Takeomi: Several traffic violations.

Benkei: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Wakasa: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Akane: Also, that’s not our car.

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Baji: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.

Chifuyu: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Takemichi: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Kazutora: I joined in on the dumb stuff.


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Izana: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?

Emma: Rude.

Baji: That’s fair.

Draken: Not again.

Takemichi: Are you going to want this back?

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Makoto: Favorite horror movie?

Takuya: It

Takemichi: Saw

Akkun: Annabelle

Yamagishi: High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics

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Kazutora: Is having a penis fun?

Draken: It has its ups and downs.

Baji: Sometimes it’s a little hard.

Pah-chin: It’s a pain in the ass.

Mitsuya: Oh, Jesus, fuck, guys, come on

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Shion: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Kakucho: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Shion: Three of us saw it,Kakucho. How do you explain that?

Kakucho: *points at Rindou* Sleep deprivation. *points at Izana* Paranoia. *points at Ran* Delusional personality disorder.

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Hina: Anyone d-

Akkun: Depressed?

Takemichi: Drained?

Yamagishi: Dumb?

Makoto: Disliked?

Hina: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people …

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Draken: We’ve been conducting an ongoing study to see what Mikey will and will not eat.

Takemichi: Grass? Yes!

Hakkai: Moss? Yes!!

Mitsuya: Leaves? Ohh, yes!

Baji: Shoelaces? Strange but true!

Chifuyu: Worms? Sometimes!

Angry: Rocks? Usually nah.

Smiley: Twigs? Usually!

Kazutora: Emma's cooking? Inconclusive!

Shinichiro: How did you… test this?

Peh-yan: You just hand them stuff and say ‘eat this’ and if they eat it, they eat it.

Emma: ... I don’t know how to feel about this.


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Wakasa: Can I be frank with you guys?

Shinichiro: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Benkei: Can I still be Benkei?

Takeomi: Shh, let Frank speak.

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Baji: Hah! 69! You know what that means?

Hakkai: What?

Angry: That you're a child.

Yamagishi: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

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Izana: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.

Emma: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.

Shinichiro: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?

Mikey: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

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Takemichi: You know those things will kill you, right?

Kazutora, pouring another glass of whiskey: That’s the point.

Baji, smoking a cigarette: We’re trying to speed up the process.

Mikey: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

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*Kazutora is cooking*

Mikey: Any chance that’s for me?

Kazutora: It’s for Mitsuya. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need them on my side.

Baji: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

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Hanma, setting down a card: Ace of spades

Baji, pulling out an Uno card: +4

Kazutora, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you

Chouji, trembling: What are we playing?

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Kazutora: I think we're missing something.

Chome: Teamwork?

Chouji: Cohesion?

Chonbo: A general sense of what we’re doing?

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Takemichi: Why are your tongues purple?

Mikey: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Draken: I had a red one.

Takemichi: oh


Takemichi: OH


Emma: You drank each other's slushies?

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Emma: Mikey isn’t answering their phone

Takemichi: I’ll call

Draken: Emma and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

Mikey: Hello?

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Mikey: I just ended a four year relationship.

Takemichi: Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?

Mikey: Hm? Oh yeah, I’m fine. It wasn’t my relationship.

*Sanzu and Mucho fighting from across the room*

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Angry: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Rindou: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Angry: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING SMILEY WITH ME

Ran, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

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Yamagichi: I think Takuya was right.

Akkun: I'm surprised they haven't marched in here to say 'I told you so.'

Makoto: They wouldn't do that.

Takuya: You're right, Makoto. For once in your life, you're 100% right. I would never say that.

Takuya: *turns around, the shirt they're wearing says 'Takuya Told You So' on the back*

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Cop: You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Mikey: Shit.

Draken: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?


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Kisaki: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?

Kokonoi: Plane tickets?

Ran: Concert tickets?

Izana: Prostitution?

Kisaki, holding their broken frames: Glasses

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Kazutora: *Gently taps table*

Baji: *Taps back*

Pah-chin: What are they doing?

Mitsuya: Morse code.

Kazutora: *Aggressively taps table*

Baji: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

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Takemichi, banging on the door: Mikey! Open up!

Mikey: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Sanzu: No, they meant-

Takeomi: Let them finish.

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Mitsuya: Dammit, Baji!

Baji: What?! It wasn’t me!

Mitsuya: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Kazutora!

Kazutora: Not me either.

Mitsuya: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?

Chifuyu: *whistles*

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Taiju: Truth or dare?

Mitsuya: Dare

Taiju: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room

Mitsuya: Hey Yuzuha

Yuzuha, blushing: Yeah?

Mitsuya: Could you move? I’m trying to get to Hakkai

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Kazutora: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Baji: Not if they consent to it.

Hanma: Depends who you’re stabbing.

Chonbo: YES?!?

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Kokonoi: Listen, I can explain...

Inui: You’re making $500,000 and you’re only gonna pay me $30,000?

Takemichi: You’re getting 30 grand? I’m getting $1,000!

Taiju: You guys are getting paid?

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Hakkai: Yo is Kisaki sleeping or dead?

Chifuyu: Hopefully dead, I hated their guts.

Takemichi: Yeah, so did I.

Kisaki: Okay first of all, fuck you-

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Chifuyu: Everyone, synchronize your watches.

Takemichi: I don’t know how to do that.

Hanma: I don’t wear a watch.

Kisaki: Time is a construct.

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Mikey: Wake me up…

Original Timeline Mikey: Before you go go!

Manila Mikey: When September ends…

Bonten Mikey: WAKE ME UP INSIDE-

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Hanma: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Baji: I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

Chonbo: I got distracted about halfway through.

Kazutora: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

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Mikey: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Takemichi: Is it me, Mikey-kun?

Mikey: No, it’s not you.

Chifuyu: Is it me, Mikey?

Mikey: It’s not you either.

Baji: Is it me, Mikey?


Mikey, mockingly: Is IT mE, Mikey?

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Takemichi: There is no future. there is no past. Do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.




Everyone Else At Takemichi's Surprise Birthday Party:

Takuya: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

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Mikey, Baji, and Kazutora are sitting on a bench

Pah-chin: Why do you guys look so sad?

Baji: Sit down with us so we can tell you.

*Pah-chin sits down*

Kazutora: The bench is freshly painted.

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Mucho: Have you seen a person named 'Sanzu' around here?

Random Gang: Ugh, yes. They made a horrible mess of the blood fountain.

Takemichi: It looks fine to me?

Random Gang: IT USED TO BE WATER!!!

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Draken: Why is Takemitchy so sad?

Hina: They took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Draken: And...?

Hina: They got Kisaki.

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*Draken's helping Mikey out after they get injured, while the others are watching*

Takemichi: How does Mikey look?

Chifuyu: A little better than you, actually.

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Mikey: On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?

Izana: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Emma?

Emma: Probably “road work ahead”.

Shinichiro: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.

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Hanma: Why are Kazutora and Baji sitting with their backs to each other?

Chome: They had a fight.

Hanma: Then why are they holding hands?

Chome: They get sad when they fight.

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Kokonoi: *Trying to fill out legal paperwork stuff* Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

Mikey: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Haitani Twins: We personally were created in a lab.

Sanzu: I just straight up spawned lol.

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Mikey: Kenchin, I'm sad.

Draken: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.

Baji: Tora, I'm sad.

Kazutora, nodding: mood.

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Draken, about Takemichi: Apparently we’re getting someone new in the group.

Mitsuya*sighing*: Are we stealing them?

Baji: New or used?

Mikey: Wonderful responses, both of you.

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Makoto: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Yamagishi: How am I supposed to know?

Akkun: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Yamagishi: *sighs*

Yamagishi: You wouldn't be trapped.

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Izana: Hey Shinichiro,

Shinichiro: Yes?

Emma: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?


Shinichiro: Where’s Mikey?

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Takemichi: Mikey-kun, can I talk to you for a second?

Mikey: Yeah, what’s up? Lemme guess. You and Hina are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?

Takemichi: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

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Rindou: Angry, what do IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?

Angry: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later

Rindou: Ok, I love you too, I’ll just ask Ran.

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Taiju: If you had to choose between Kokonoi and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Inui: That depends, how much money are we talking about?

Kokonoi: Inupi!

Taiju: 63 cents.

Inui: I'll take the money.

Kokonoi: INUPI!!!

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Mikey: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.

Draken: You were flirting with Takemitchy.

Mikey: So what? He is my boyfriend.

Draken: You asked them if they were single.


Draken: And then you cried when they said they weren't.

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Baji: Chifuyu and I don’t use pet names.

Kazutora: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Baji: Honey?

Chifuyu: Yes, dear?


Kazutora: Don't ever lie to my face again.

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*The group is getting into the car*

Emma: I’m driving.

Hina, out of view: Shotgun!

Yuzuha, turning to face Hina: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Hina: WOAH-

Hina, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

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Emma: Hey, Mitchy? Can I get some dating advice?

Takemichi: Just because I’m with Draken doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

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Shinichiro: While I’m gone, Mikey, you’re in charge.

Mikey: Yes!!!

Shinichiro, whispering: Emma, you’re secretly in charge.

Emma: Obviously.

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Angry, texting Smiley: Brother! Help I’m being kidnapped

Smiley: Where are you?

Angry: I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Smiley: I’ll call Rindou.

Rindou, answering their cell: Y’ello?

Smiley: Where’s Souya? They texted me that they were being kidnapped.

Rindou: Souya? Whaddya mean, they're right next to me-


Rindou: I’ll call you back. *hangs up*


Angry: WHO ARE YOU?!

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Emma: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million gold?

Mikey: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house.

Draken: You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million.

Mikey: Good thinking.

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Naoto, driving Takemichi and Hina: So how was your day?

Takemichi: We almost got surprise adopted!

Naoto: What?

Hina: We almost got kidnapped.

Naoto: Oh, okay.

Naoto: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

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Random Gang Member: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.

Draken: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Mitsuya isn’t

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Yuzuha: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

Hakkai: The car takes a screenshot.

Taiju: For the last time, get the fuck out.

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Baji: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Chifuyu: You’re a hazard to society

Kazutora: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

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Rindou: Ran and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us

Kakucho: *Sighing* What did Ran do?

Rindou: They chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...

Ran: Who wants a steering wheel?

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Mikey, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Izana: You did WHAT–

Emma: William Snakespeare

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Senju: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Sanzu: I'm a knife.

Takemichi, from across the room: They're the little spoon.

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Takemichi: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Mikey: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

Draken: In that case, we're definitely lost.

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Hina: What time is it?

Mikey: I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out

Mikey: *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*


Mikey: It’s 2 am

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Mikey: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited

Mitsuya: If?

Kazutora: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and they might not even die

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Hanma: Why are you on the floor?

Kazutora: I'm depressed.

Kazutora: Also I was stabbed, can you get Baji, please.

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Store Worker: Would a Mr. Kakucho please come to the front desk?

Kakuchi, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker: points to Ran and Rindou

Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?

Ran and Rindou, simultaneously: We got lost :(

Kakucho: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

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Makoto: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.

Takemichi: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?

Makoto: Yes!

Takuya: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

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Kazutora: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

Baji: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Emma: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

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Draken: Mikey and I are having a baby.

Takemichi: That's gre-

Draken, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

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Kazutora: We need a distraction.

Baji: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Hanma, whispering: My time has come

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Takeomi: I told Sanzu their ears flush when they lie.

Senju: Why?

Takeomi: Look.

Takeomi: Hey Sanzu! Do you love us?

Sanzu, covering their ears: No.


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Takemichi: You have to apologize to Chifuyu

Baji: Fine.

Baji: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

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Draken: I trust Takemitchy.

Mitsuya: You think they know what they're doing?

Draken: I wouldn't go that far.

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Kakucho: We need to get through this locked door. Kokonoi, give me your credit card.

Kokonoi: Here.

Kakucho, pocketing it: Thanks. Rindou, kick down the door.

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Kisaki: Don't worry, I got a plan.

Chifuyu: Alright.

Kisaki: TraitorSayWhat?

Takemichi: Excuse me?

Kisaki: What?



Kisaki: No wait-

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Takemichi, whispering to Draken, who’s on the phone with Emma: Ask them something!

Draken: How are you feeling?

Emma: Fine.

Takemichi: Something personal!

Draken: At what age did you first get your period?

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Hanma: They stole from me first!

Kisaki: Mhm.

Hanma: Stole my heart...

Izana: It is still illegal to commit murder.

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Izana: What did you do with Takemitchy's body?

Kisaki: What didn’t I do with the body?


Kisaki: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectfully.

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Kazutora: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Shinichiro: Wasn't Baji with you?

Baji: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

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Mikey: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Emma: Izana no.

Izana: Mistlefoe.

Emma: Please stop encouraging him.

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Akkun: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Yamagishi: The cow???

Akkun: What?

Takemichi: Kazushi, W H Y?

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Baji: How's the sexiest person here~?

Chifuyu: I don't know, how are they~?

Baji, flustered: I-

Kazutora, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

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*The Inuis and Kokonoi are having dinner together*

Akane: Seishu, can you pass the salt?

Inui: *Throws Kokonoi across the table*

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Baji: If Chifuyu and I were drowning, who would you save?

Kazutora: You two can’t swim?

Chifuyu: It’s a hypothetical question, Tora! who would you save?

Kazutora: My time and effort

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Hanma: WHY. why did you give Kazutora a KNIFE?!

Baji: I’m sorry. They said they felt unsafe.

Hanna: Now I feel unsafe!

Baji: I’m sorry.

Baji: ... would you like a knife?

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Takemichi: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Yamagishi: Okay, but in my defense, Makoto bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo.

Takemichi: That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

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Mikey: Kazutora, my old arch enemy.

Hanma: ... I thought I was your arch enemy?

Mikey: I have a life outside of you, Hanma.

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Angry, trying to ask Rindou out: Would you like to stay for dinner?


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Sanzu: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it

Ran: Just rip the bandage off.

Sanzu: It’s Rindou.

Ran: Put the bandage back on.

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Ran, negotiating with Inui: We have Kokonoi. Give us ten thousand dollars and they will be returned to you unharmed

Kokonoi: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I’m only worth ten thousand dollars?




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Mitsuya: What do you think Baji will do for a distraction?

Kazutora: They’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Kazutora: ... or they could do that.

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*Hina and Emma sitting in jail together*

Emma: So who should we call?

Hina: I’d call Yuzuha, but I feel safer in jail

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Sanzu, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

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Shinichiro: Izana, keep an eye on Mikey today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Izana: Sure, I’d love to see Mikey get punched.

Shinichiro: Try again.

Izana, sighing: I will stop Mikey from getting punched.

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Shinichiro: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Benkei: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Shinichiro: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Takeomi: edible

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Hanayome: I know you snuck out last night with Ryohei, Haruki.

Peh-yan: Play dumb!

Pah-chin: Who's Haruki?

Peh-yan: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

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Baji: I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let anyone crash at your place.

Kazutora: You people already know too much about me.

Chifuyu: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let any of us crash at your place.

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Takemichi: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Mitsuya: *turning to Baji* How tall are you?

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Rindou: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Shion: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Hanma: Smad.

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Kazutora: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Baji: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Kazutora: Absolutely not.

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Emma, talking to Draken on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?

Draken: You bet!

Emma: At what temperature?

Draken: 535.

Emma: That's the clock.



Draken: 536.

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Inui: How petty can you get?

Kokonoi: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

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Smiley: Hey, you want some leftovers?

Ran: What's that?

Smiley: You've never had leftovers???

Ran: No, because I'm not a quitter.

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Shinichiro: Omi! My face is on fire!

Takeomi: Shinichiro! Are you ok?!

Shinichiro: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.

Takeomi: But your face is on fire.

Shinichiro: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

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Sanzu: I'm a reverse necromancer.

Takemichi: Isn't that just killing people?

Sanzu: Ah, technically.

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Rindou: If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’d be a neat noise

Angry: I beg to differ

Rindou: Then Beg

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Kazutora: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Baji: What did you do?

Kazutora: Nobody died.


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Shinichiro: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming

Wakasa: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak

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Akkun: Welcome, fellow idiots

Takuya: Hello, Atsushi

Akkun: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot

Takuya: You underestimate me

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Kazutora: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died-

Chifuyu: Twelve, actually.

Kazutora: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really whose fault is that?

Chifuyu: Yours!

Kazutora: That's right: no one's.

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Shinichiro: Do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? Or if their limbs were just slightly too long? Or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed Something on the street and you just didn’t Notice It?

Mikey: Stay woke monsterfuckers ur love is out there!!!!!

Shinichiro: Yknow what? Not my point at all in any way whatsoever, but I’m glad I could be an inspiration.

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Baji: A theif.

Chifuyu: Thief?

Baji: Theif.

Chifuyu: I before E, except after C.

Baji: Thceif.

Chifuyu: No.

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Mikey: I was arrested for being too cool.

Emma: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

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Senju: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside


Takeomi: Senju, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn...

Senju: *Sips coffee from bowl*

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Takemichi: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Chifuyu: How can you still say that?

Takemichi: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

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Senju: This is such a bad idea.

Sanzu: Then why are you coming along?

Senju: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I know you’re deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

Shinichiro: It’s not a joke.

Shinichiro: *sniffles*

Shinichiro: I’m a legit snack.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hey Hanma can I get a sip of your water?

Hanma: It's not water.

Kazutora: Vodka, I like your style!

Hanma: It's vinegar.

Kazutora: Wh-Wha-

Hanma: It's vinegar, COWARD.

Chapter Text

Mucho: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.

Sanzu: That's why I carry two swords.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes.


Takemichi: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.

Senju: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Is something burning?

Ran: Just my love for you.

Taiju: Ran, the toaster is on fire.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Ran: Only if you also don't ask why

Ran: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.



Sanzu: This one is fine

Chapter Text

Draken: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Kazutora: Thank you

Draken: I didn't say that was a good thing

Kazutora: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

Chapter Text

Kazutora: petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday

Baji: Wednesay

Kazutora: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible

Chapter Text

Takuya: It’s dark in here

Yamagishi: Don’t worry dude I got this

Yamagishi: *Stomps their feet*

Yamagishi: *Skechers light up*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail

Mikey: No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t’ve used my one phone call to prank call the police

Chapter Text

Hanma: Kisaki, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!

Kisaki: Well of course I have.

Kisaki: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Kisaki: It's boring.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Chifuyu: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.

Hakkai: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late... I was... doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

Shinichiro: *Out of breath* HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I can explain.

Cop: Can you?

Kazutora: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: You saved me. I owe you my life.

Takemichi: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.

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Smiley: That’s one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...

Ran: You would eat yourself?

Smiley: I wouldn’t even question it.

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Hina, tending to Takemichi's wounds: How would you rate your pain?

Takemichi: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

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Baji: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Sanzu: I do have a sense of humor you know

Baji: I’ve never heard you laugh before

Sanzu: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

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Takeomi: How many kids do you have?

Wakasa: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

Chapter Text

Takuya: I prevented a murder today.

Takemichi: Really? How’d you do that?

Takuya: self control.

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Chifuyu: Please, I'm begging you to go to a doctor.

Baji: I'm sorry, is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

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Pah-chin: Am I going too far?

Peh-yan: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

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Kakucho, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today!

Izana: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine

Kazutora: i became more evil if you’re curious

Baji: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!

Kazutora: i’m going to get worse on purpose

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Three words. Say them and I'm yours.

Hakkai: Three words.


Chapter Text

Takuya: Here's some advice

Takemichi: I didn't ask for any

Takuya: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

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Draken: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: I’M SORRY]

Emma: What's that?

Draken: Remorse code.

Emma: I'm even more angrier now.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: What’s up guys? I’m back.

Takemichi: What the- you can’t be here. You’re dead. I literally saw you die.

Chifuyu: Death is a social construct.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, going over Izana's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative.

Izana: Yes

Shinichiro: Okay... may I know what you create?

Izana: Problems.

Chapter Text

Mikey, addressing the squad: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.

Mitsuya: But – that’s just a trash can.

Mikey: It sure is!

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Kisaki: Hanma and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-

Hanma: Sentences.

Kisaki: Don't interrupt me.

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Hina: Okay, truth or dare?

Takemichi: Truth

Hina: How many hours have you slept this week?


Takemichi: ...Dare

Hina: Go to bed.

Takemichi: I don’t like this game.

Chapter Text

Therapist: What is your biggest weakness?

Kazutora: I can be uncooperative.

Therapist: Okay, can you give me an example?

Kazutora: No.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Hina: You need to stop.

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Wakasa: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just incase.

Benkei: Wakasa, that's a coma.

Wakasa: Sounds festive.

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Rindou: Where are you going?

Ran: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there

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Baji: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao

Mitsuya: What did you do op?


Chapter Text

Takemichi: Emma...

Emma: Oh no, 'Emma' in b-flat.

Emma: You're disappointed.

Chapter Text

Baji: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I’ve killed anybody. I’m not an arsonist. I’ve never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Takemichi: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!

Draken: Really? Name one law

Mikey: Don't kill people?

Draken: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Can you please be serious for five minutes?

Hanma: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

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Pah-chin: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean?

Mitsuya: It means I was second worst thing to happen to those orphans.

Pah-chin: but what’s the first worst thing?

*Awkward pause*

Mitsuya: Pah-chin, they...they weren’t always orphans.


Chapter Text

*Chifuyu and Hakkai are doing something absurdly dangerous*

Chifuyu: I think Takemitchy did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time!

Hakkai, deadpan: Well that's encouraging.

Chapter Text

Kokonoi: I actually have a black belt.

Takeomi: In what, karate?

Kokonoi: No, from Gucci.

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Taiju: Yuzuha... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Yuzuha: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.


Taiju: I wrote sanitize, Yuzuha.

Chapter Text

Smiley: Someone will die.

Angry: Of fun!

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Kazutora: This is bothering me.

Emma: Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Kazutora: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

Rindou, drinking toast: Why do you say that?

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Kazutora: So what’s for dinner?

Chifuyu, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.

Chapter Text

*Mikey and Emma skipping stones on lake*

Emma: It’s such a beautiful evening.

Mikey, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

Chapter Text

Baji, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it's October and I'd like to be on Island Time for a day!

Kazutora: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I've got your history right here on the sidebar,

Kazutora: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET , HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET- What the FUCK happened to you?!




Baji, cry-laughing: ᴵ ᴴᴬᴰ ᴬ ᶜᴬˢᴱ ᴼᶠ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴹᴼᴺᴰᴬʸˢ

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *Accidentally hits Baji in the face*

Kazutora: *Trying to decide between saying 'I’m fucking sorry' and 'Are you okay'*


Baji: What’s wrong with you?!

Chapter Text

Draken: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Kazutora's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get them out…

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Takemichi: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Baji: You and me!!!

Kazutora, tearing up: Okay.

Chapter Text

Senju: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives

Takemichi: I wake up at 4:30 AM


Senju: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

Chapter Text

Baji: So are we flirting right now?


Baji: That doesn’t answer my question

Chapter Text


Emma: Anything, honestly, but Draken especially

Mikey, desperately, as Emma bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Emma: Oh! B positive.



Chapter Text

Random Person: So what do you do?

Sanzu: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers.

Random Person: Wow, impressive.

Sanzu: Then I'll move on to Leos.

Chapter Text

Izana: You love me, right, Emma?

Emma: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Go to Hell

Kazutora, tearing up: I wish I could

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Am I in trouble?

Hina: Take a guess.

Takemichi: No?

Emma: Take another guess.

Chapter Text

Baji: Fuck.

Emma: We've got to work on your cursing.

Baji: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

Chapter Text

Draken, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something.

Mikey: I saw a squirrel in a tree today!

Draken, with the tone of someone who is used to Mikey: Outstanding.

Draken: This is what I’m talking about people.

Chapter Text

Hina: What are your goals?

Chifuyu: To pet all the cats.

Hina: No, fitness goals.

Chifuyu: To be able to run fast enough to pet all the cats.

Chapter Text

Emma, struggling to keep upright in their 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Inui, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: What if the 'g' in 'gif' is silent?

Wakasa: Go the fuck to sleep

Takeomi: What gif I don't want to?

Wakasa: Fuck You

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.

Mucho: Oh, you’ve been?

Takemichi: Once. In Monopoly.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.


Kisaki: No! Four to five seconds!

Hanma: Too late!!!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

Chome: I think you mean cards.

Kazutora, pulling knives out of their sleeves: No, I do not.

Chapter Text

Emma, standing with their back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Takemitchy.

Takemichi: How did you do that without turning around?

Emma: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

Chapter Text

Draken: This is a mistake

Mikey, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!

Draken: But not today

Mikey, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess

Chapter Text

Baji: I'm incredibly fast at math.

Chifuyu: Alright, what's 30x17?

Baji: 47

Chifuyu: That's not even close.

Baji: But it was fast.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, trying to cheer Manila Mikey up: Things could be worse, you know!

Manila Mikey: How?

Takemichi: How what?

Manila Mikey: How could they be worse?

Takemichi: They couldn’t, I lied.

Manila Mikey:

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Okay, help me please!

Naoto: Got two words for you.

Takemichi: I bet they won't be helpful.

Naoto: Your problem.

Takemichi: I was right

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.

Wakasa: If anyone, and I mean anyone , wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: How do I deal with my enemies?

Baji: Kill them

Takemichi: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution

Baji: Kill them only a little?

Chapter Text

Hina: Can you keep a secret?

Kisaki: Do you know anything about my life?

Hina: No I do not. Good point.

Chapter Text

Baji: Top 30 reasons why Baji is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you!

Mikey: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

Chapter Text

Baji: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted murder?

Kazutora: Stop romanticizing the past.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Violence isn't the answer.

Emma: You’re right.

Takemichi: *sighs in relief*

Emma: Violence is the question.

Takemichi: What?

Emma, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Takemichi, running after them: NO-

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Change is inedible.

Peh-yan: Don't you mean inevitable?

Pah-chin, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

Takuya: You're like 15 years old

Yamagishi: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

Chapter Text

Senju: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

Hina: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.

Senju: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

Chapter Text

Draken: God, give me patience.

Mikey: I think you mean 'give me strength'.

Draken: If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You know how I roll.

Takemichi: And I’m not talking about that time I fell into a pile of dung at the foot of a hill.

Chapter Text

Taiju: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

Chapter Text

Inui: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them

Chapter Text

Kakucho: My life isn’t as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so…

Chapter Text

Baji, motioning to a Halloween display: All these ghosts! All these ghosts! I still can’t find a boo.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'

Chifuyu: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Shinichiro: *punches wall*


Shinichiro: Take me to the hospital.

Chapter Text

Baji: You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Physically, yes, I could fight a bird. But emotionally? Imagine the toll.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Fool me once, I’m gonna kill you

Chapter Text

Draken: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

Chapter Text

Ran: Died and came back as a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: So apparently the 'bad vibes' I’ve been feeling are actually severe psychological distress

Chapter Text

Takemichi: With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year… is me. That’s right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.

Chapter Text

Inui: Schrödinger’s cat is overrated. If you wanna see something that’s both dead and alive you can talk to me any time of the day.

Chapter Text

Smiley: What doesn't kill me should run, because now I'm fucking pissed.

Chapter Text

Bonten Kokonoi: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

Chapter Text

Emma: You’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.

Chapter Text

Angry: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.

Chapter Text

Rindou: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person.

Rindou: And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

Chapter Text

Bonten Mikey: Goodnight moon.

Bonten Mikey: Goodnight tree.

Bonten Mikey: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.

Chapter Text

South: You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

Chapter Text

Baji: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.

Baji: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

Chapter Text

Yuzuha, threatening the others with a paintball gun: Listen... Life comes at us fast. We don't know what life is gonna give us... And today, it's gonna give you... a paintball!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

Chapter Text

Izana: bitches b like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways I’m bitches

Chapter Text

South: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

Chapter Text

Shion: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven’t decided yet' is typically a good response.

Chapter Text

Naoto: Well, well, well... if it isn’t my old friend: the dawning realization that I fucked up bad.

Chapter Text

Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Bonten Mikey*

Mikey: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: If I'm really as evil as you say I am, then have the gods strike me down where I stand.

*Lightning strikes Kisaki*

Kisaki: Ha! Nice try, jackass! Next time, give it your A-game!

Chapter Text

Hina: Pals' night, done right, is about bonding. Sharing problems, origin stories, secrets.

Emma: I'll start. I worked my way through school as a phone sex operator. 1-800-DJFeelGood.

Senju: I would totally call that. Um... I used to steal cars. Okay, who's next?

Yuzuha: I was forged in the bowels of Hell to torture the guilty for all of eternity.

Hina: Interesting share.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Hina, have you seen Senju?

Hina: I'm not seeing Senju!

Takemichi: ... What?

Hina: What?

Chapter Text

Mikey: We have fun, don’t we, Kenchin?

Draken: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Chapter Text

Akane: The night has always been a mystery to me. Because I go to bed at seven-thirty.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I don’t want to control everything! I just want people and events to mold to my desire.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: This is your chance to do the right thing.

Mikey: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Part of me worries that when you’re a big deal, you will be embarrassed by me.

Emma: Oh Mikey, don't be ridiculous. I'm already embarrassed by you.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Why me?

Takeomi: Because people like you. You're quiet. You say, ‘excuse me’. You look like little birds help you get dressed in the morning.

Chapter Text

Ran: What kind of sick, twisted person are you?

Sanzu: Does it matter what kind?

Chapter Text

Hanma: We're having another moment, aren't we?

Kisaki: If by a moment, you mean me not wanting to strangle you for the first time since we met, then I guess we are.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Would you please not Baji this into a worse situation than it already is?

Baji: Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb?

Chapter Text

Akkun: Takemichi, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?

Takemichi: Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?

Chapter Text

Kokonoi: Frankly, I would say I'm gayer than you.

Inui: How are you gayer than I am?

Kokonoi: Well, I wear a man purse.

Inui: That's not gay! That's hideous! And if you were as gay as I am, you'd know that!

Chapter Text

Draken: It’s okay, Takemitchy. I’m not afraid of dying.

Takemichi: Well, you should be. It’s extremely boring.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I don’t want to hurt their feelings!

Chifuyu: Hurt their feel- Do you just walk around all day, thinking about other people’s feelings?

Takemichi: Yeah, don’t you?

Chifuyu: No! How do you get anything done?

Chapter Text

Hina: Be careful!

Takemichi: Always am.

Mikey: Respectfully disagree.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, about Chifuyu: It's weird, it's like ... I ... I like them. Much.

Takemichi: ...

Takemichi: You like them much?

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Alright, now everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.

Peh-yan: Why?

Pah-chin: Are you in a hurry?

Mitsuya: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

Chapter Text

Mucho: Are you two, like, dating now?

Takemichi: Yeah!

Sanzu: Yes, we are.

Mucho: Why?

Takemichi: I happen to find Sanzu very appealing.

Mucho: Oh, I understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong in their head.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?!

Chifuyu: It's kinda complicated, but Baji-

Mitsuya: Got it. Forget I asked.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: There is no way he likes me.

Takemichi: Hanma would throw themselves in front of a moving car for you.

Kisaki: Hanma would throw themselves in front of a moving car for fun.

Chapter Text

Angry: Our first year as a married couple and we’re still in love.

Rindou: In your face, those who said we couldn’t last a year!

Kokonoi: I stand by my wedding toast!

Chapter Text

Mikey: Oh, Senju, it’s just you.

Hina: We were afraid it was Takemichi-kun.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I thought I told you to stay in the car.

Benkei: You did. But I thought it was boring, and you were in trouble.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’ll do whatever I want when I’m 80.

Makoto: If you’re still alive when you’re 80, I’ll demand a medical explanation.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: This is the worst thing you've ever done!

Sanzu: You know, you say it so much it's lost all its meaning.

Chapter Text

Baji: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?

Kazutora: Murder?

Baji: An accident.

Kazutora: Oh, that's how I'm going to make it look.

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: How you hate to be wrong.

Takuya: I wouldn't know, I'm not familiar with the sensation.

Chapter Text

Emma: You look like you fought 10 people and ran a mile to get here.

Senju: Twelve people. Four miles.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like you've become a lot more fun since I've known you.

Chifuyu: Thanks! And if I may return the compliment, I think you've become marginally less annoying.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: My birthday wish is vengeance! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Chapter Text

Izana: I don’t do apologies. But I don’t want to kill you anymore.

Chapter Text

Smiley: What is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.

Chapter Text

Emma: My good looks are ruining people's lives.

Chapter Text

Emma: Fine! Judge all you want but...

Emma, points at Takemichi: Married a lesbian.

Emma, points at Senju: Left a man at the altar.

Emma, points at Yuzuha: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer.

Emma, points at Draken: Threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire.

Emma, points at Baji: Lives in a box!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: How much you wanna bet Draken got a Lap dance from Takemichi 

Mikey: If that happened, Emma can drink free tonight.

Emma: As much as I love the thought of having free drinks I don't like the idea of Draken receiving a Lap dance from someone other than me.

Kazutora: Hey Takemichi, did you give Draken a lap dance?

Takemichi: So what if I did?

Kazutora, to Mikey: I guess Emma is drinking free tonight.

Takemichi: Be right back, I'm gonna go cry-

Draken, entering the room: What the f-

Chapter Text

Emma: Draken is too tall for me to kiss them on the lips. What should I do?

Kazutora: Punch them in the stomach. Then, when they double over in pain, kiss them.

Mikey: Tackle them!

Mitsuya: Dump them.

Baji: Kick them in the shin!

Draken: No to all of those! Just ask me to lean down!!

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?

Draken: Sex.

Kazutora: Seriously, answer faster.

Draken: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you.

Kazutora: It’s like a giant hug.

Pah-chin: Baji, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?

Baji: Food.

Pah-chin: Okay, how about sex or cats?

Baji: Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice.

Mitsuya: What about you Mikey? What would you give up sex or food?

Mikey: Oh... um... I don’t know, it’s too hard.

Mitsuya: No, you gotta pick one.

Mikey: Um, food... no, sex... no, food... sex... food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!

Chapter Text

Baji: Kazutora, let’s go!

Kazutora: Oh, yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about writing maybe a letter.

Baji: Okay, you know what? That’s it, you had your chance.

Kazutora: What-?

Baji: Mom, Dad, Kazutora smoked pot in college.

Kazutora: You are such a tattletale!

Kazutora: Mom, Dad, you remember that time you walked into my room and smelled marijuana? Well, I told you it was Mikey who was smoking the pot but... It was me. I’m sorry.

Baji: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn’t steal your Playboy’s, Kazutora did.

Kazutora: Yeah, well, hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing Baji did.

Baji: Kazutora hasn’t worked for a year!

Kazutora: Baji and Chifuyu are living together!

Baji: Kazutora married Hanma in Vegas and got divorced AGAIN!

Pah-chin: I love Jacques Cousteau!

Draken:: I wasn’t supposed to put beef in the trifle!

Mikey:: I wanna gooo!!

Chapter Text

Emma: Draken kissed me!

Hina: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Emma: It was unbelievable!

Hina: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Yuzuha: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Hina, get the wine and unplug the phone. Emma, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Emma: Oh, it ended very well.

Hina: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!

Yuzuha: Okay, alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?

Emma: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Yuzuha: Ohh... So, okay, were they holding you? Or were their hands on your back?

Emma: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.

Hina and Yuzuha: Ohhh.


Draken eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed them.

Baji: Tongue?

Draken: Yeah.

Kazutora: Cool.

Chapter Text

Izana: From now on we will be using code names.

Izana: You can address me as Eagle One.

Izana: Hanma is “been there done that”.

Izana: Kakuchou is “currently doing that”.

Izana: South is “it happened once in a dream”.

Izana: Senju is “if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby”.

Izana: And Mikey is..

Izana: Eagle Two

Mikey: Oh thank god.

Chapter Text

Emma: Just be yourself.

Takeomi: Really? Emma, I have one day to win over Shinichiro's grandfather.

Takeomi: How long did it take for you guys to like me?

Mikey: Couple of weeks.

Kazutora: Six months.

Izana: Jury’s still out.

Takeomi: See Emma? ‘Just be yourself,’ what kind of garbage advice is that?!

Chapter Text

Hanma: I put the pun in punishment.

Koko: I put the top in unstoppable.

Rindou: I put the cute in execute.

Shion: I put the sexy in dyslexia.

Ran: I put the ass in class.

Izana: I put the D in Kakuchou.

Chapter Text

Koko: Guys, I’ve been meaning to tell you… Draken and I are dating.

Draken, Inui, Akane, and Mikey: *gasp*

Koko: Draken, why are you surprised?!

Chapter Text

Koko: So anyways have y'all seen Taiju?

Inui: I think they went in Ran's room 'studying'.

Rindou: Doubt that. I heard groans there.

*Meanwhile in Ran's room*

Taiju & Ran, fighting:

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Isn’t it weird that we can’t ride any other animal except horses. Like if horses weren’t a thing, humans would be fucked cause we couldn’t ride any other animals. Like riding animals wouldn’t really be a thing. We should probably be more grateful to horses.

Benkei: Elephants.

Shinichiro: Blocked.

Akane: Camels.

Shinichiro: Extra blocked.

Wakasa: Donkeys.

Shinichiro: Ultra blocked.

Takeomi: That dick.

Shinichiro: ...Followed.

Chapter Text

Mikey: What’s the announcement, Koko?

Koko: It’s a lecture. Takeomi’s gonna tell us everything they know about sex.

Sanzu: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I never said I was gonna get back together with them. But I was thinking, they're in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave them a call?

Senju: No. No, Sanzu, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Sanzu calls Mucho. Number five: Takeomi gets eaten by a shark.

Takeomi: I’m Takeomi, and I approve the order of that list.

Chapter Text

Baji: Chifuyu! I can't do this stupid math!

Chifuyu: What’s the math problem?

Baji: Well, we have to add the bed, subtract the clothes divide the legs, and hope we don’t multiply.

Kazutora, covering Takemichi's ears, while Chifuyu smacks Baji upside the head: Not going to lie that was hella smooth.

Chapter Text

Random Person: Mikey, you'll be working with Takemichi and Hina.

Mikey: Alright! My fantasy threesome!

Everyone else: *blank stares*

Mikey: ...Of people on a team

Chapter Text

Rindou: *about Sanzu and Koko* They make a cute couple, huh?

Ran: They certainly are standing next to each other.

Chapter Text

Draken: This food is too hot... I can't eat it.

Mikey: You’re very hot, and I still eat you.

Everyone at the table: *silence*


Izana: One dinner... I just want ONE DINNER!

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: *sees Draken and Mikey together*

Yamagishi: They're cute. I would put them on a boat.

Makoto: You mean... you ship them?

Chapter Text

Mikey: That's ridiculous, Sanzu doesn't have a crush on me.

Takeomi: Yes they do.

Mochi: Yes they do.

Sanzu: Yes I do.

Chapter Text

Baji: Do you love Mikey?

Kazutora: Yeah, I do.

Baji: Chifuyu! I told you I knew it! You owe me 100 bucks!

Chifuyu: We all love Mikey. You should've asked if they were IN love with them.

Kazutora: I thought that was implied.

Chifuyu: ...

Baji: ...

Kazutora, looking straight at Chifuyu: Congrats Baji, you just won 100 bucks.

Chapter Text

Random Person: What are you getting Inui for the holidays?

Koko: I don't know. It's kind of hard buying a gift for your partner when they already got everything they could've ever wanted when they married you. So I'm not sure yet.

Taiju: I'm getting Inui a divorce lawyer.

Chapter Text

Hina: Hey Emma, wanna third wheel on my date with Takemichi tomorrow?

Emma: Sure.

Hina: Draken! Wanna third wheel on my date with Takemichi tomorrow?

Draken: Sure.

Hina: Great! I've always wanted to go on a double date!

Emma & Draken: ...

Takemichi: Hina...

Chapter Text

Mochi: I sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Ran: I sleep with a knife.

Mikey: Both of you are pathetic.

Mochi: Oh yeah? What do you sleep with?

Mikey: Kazutora.

Chapter Text

Izana: I’m this close to falling in love with Kakuchou.

Shinichiro: Your fingertips are touching.

Izana: Exactly.

Chapter Text

Draken: *is wearing silk pants* How does this look?

Mitsuya: Like its slips on and off really easily.


Mitsuya: No, I didn't mean it like that-

Mikey: We know what you meant.

Chapter Text

Koko: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Inui: What’s up your ass this morning!

Taiju: *walks in* ...Hey.

Inui: Hmm… nevermind.

Koko: WAIT NO!

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.

Senju, blushing: Okay.

Sanzu: It's fucking summer.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Are you a painting?

Angry: What-?

Sanzu: Because I want to pin you to a wall.


Chapter Text

Akkun: H-how do you ask someone out?

Makoto: Well, first-

Takemichi: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.

Akkun: ...And you said yes?

Chapter Text

Makoto: sapnu puaS.

Takuya: What??

Yamagishi: What language is that.

Makoto: Turn your phone 180 degrees.

*Makoto was removed from the groupchat*

Chapter Text

Benkei: So, what is Wakasa to you?

Shinichiro: The reason I wake up every morning.

Benkei: ...That’s adorable.

Wakasa earlier that morning, barging into Shinichiro's room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!!

Chapter Text

Emma's Mother: When I was married, you know what your father often said to me?

Emma: Please stop sleeping with other people?

Chapter Text

Baji: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

Kazutora: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.

Baji: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.

Mitsuya, on a walkie talkie: This is Mitsuya, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Angry you can’t move in with Sanzu.

Angry: Why not?

Rindou: Well, um, how are you going to feel when they see you without any makeup?

Angry: I’m not wearing makeup right now.

Rindou: Holy crap, you’re beautiful.

Chapter Text

Mikey: This totally sucks, man.

Sanzu: This is horrible.

Mikey: Yeah, I know, I mean look at today’s news.

Sanzu: No, it’s not that, it’s Rindou.

Sanzu: It’s just like, I can’t get them out of my head and every time I look at them I have this pains in my chest, and I just know it’s their fault, that bitch!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: How do you know how to kiss? like who teaches you?

Hanma: Well it’s actually a class, but unfortunately it’s full right now.

Hanma: Would you like me to tutor you?

Choji: That was smooth.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I asked Sanzu out.

Draken: Oh, I’m sorry.

Mikey: Why?

Draken: Well, I assume they said no.

Mikey: No, they said yes.

Draken: Really? Then I’m sorry for them.

Chapter Text

Akkun: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.

Takuya: Yes.

Akkun: Which means they like both boys and girls.

Takuya: Ye- wait, what-

Yamagishi: Akkun, that's not what bilingual means-

Akkun: Shhh, it's okay Takuya. I still love you, man.

Takuya & Yamagishi: ...


Chapter Text

Kazutora: You don't need my blessing to go kiss Chifuyu. In fact, I was pretty sure you were already kissing Chifuyu!

Baji: Nope.

Kazutora: In that case, as the archbishop of Baji's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Chifuyu right on the lips!!!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I find it very unseemly of Takeomi to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?

Wakasa: Die. Let's find out.

Chapter Text

Draken: Well, remember when Mikey made a romantic dinner for me?

Mitsuya: Draken, they microwaved you a pizza.

Chapter Text

*Kazutora is telling a story*

Inui: Wow, Kazutora, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!

Draken: Romance?

Inui: I have a crush on them.

Chapter Text

Angry: I know you love them.

Rindou: I am not in love with Sanzu!

Angry, staring at Rindou: I never said who...

Rindou: *realizes*

Rindou: Shit. Well, anyways-

Chapter Text

Emma: Is there anyone here who’s actually straight?

Takemichi: *raises hand*

Draken: *puts their hand down*

Chapter Text

Senju: I like your top, Michi!

Draken: I have a name, you know.

Takemichi: *sighs* Why. Why are you like this.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Hey, Sanzu, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?

Sanzu: Yeah.

Takeomi: And you, Mikey?

Mikey: Umm... yes?

Takeomi: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!

Mikey: Did they just-

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Did you take out Takemichi as I requested?

Hanma: Takemichi has been taken out, yes.

Kisaki: You have my grat-

Hanma: It was a great restaurant.

Hanma: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.

Hanma: Takemichi proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.

Chapter Text

Mucho: So how’s the food Smiley made?

Random Person: It's great! Compliments to them.

Mucho: *goes to the kitchen*

Mucho: You're adorable.

Smiley: *blushes*

Chapter Text

Taiju: So are you gonna explain how the hell you crashed my car?

Hakkai: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the road, so I said "Mitsuya, deer!"

Taiju: ...And what did Mitsuya do?

Hakkai: ...They said "Yes, Honey?"

Chapter Text

Mikey, bursting into the room: You two are having sex!

Wakasa, not looking up from their book: Really? Shinichiro, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

Chapter Text

Draken: And now for a gay update with Chifuyu and Baji.

Baji: Getting gayer.

Draken: Thank you, Baji.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Why doesn’t Sanzu find me sexy when I bite my lip?

Angry: What do you look like when you bite your lip?

Rindou: *bites lip*

Angry: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Draken doesn’t deserve you.

Kazutora: If they don't treat you right by now, you're gone.

Emma: I'm gone.

Kazutora: Now go chop their dick off.

Chapter Text

Senju: Mikey annoyed me today so I told them that I can’t wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.

Takemichi: There is nothing special about tomorrow.

Senju: But there is something special about watching the color leave their face as panic takes over.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou, looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top?

Shion: Izana is in the kitchen.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, walking into Draken and Mikey's bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.

Draken: What was it about?

Mikey: No, don’t ask them that!

Draken: Why not?

Mikey: Cause they’ll answer!

Chapter Text

Koko: Thank you all for coming.

Senju, wearing a hospital gown: When I heard you couldn't get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here.

Koko: Well, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the "Fuck A Task Force".

Sanzu: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this?

Baji: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it*

Chifuyu: Aww, it's a love note for Tora?

Baji: No-

Chifuyu: *opens it*



Chifuyu: I can't read this.

Chapter Text

Baji: So... who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

Sanzu: We're chopsticks!

Baji: Well... that's cute!

Baji: Does that mean you two snuggle together perfectly?

Mikey: No, it means that if you take the other away, the only thing the other is good for is stabbing.

Chapter Text

Rindou, holding a rock: Angry just gave this to me and said "I feel like you deserve the moon but all I can give you is a rock".

Ran: If you don't marry them, I will.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: If I say I love you, will you say it back?

Draken: Yes.

Takemichi: I love you.

Draken: It back.


Inui: Why is Mitchy crying face-down on the floor?

Chapter Text

Baji: Did Chifuyu just tell me they loved me for the first time?

Kazutora: Yeah, they did.

Baji: And did I just do finger guns back?

Kazutora: Yeah, you did.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Chifuyu recently.

Baji: No, Kazutora, it's not what it looks like, I swear.

Kazutora: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?

Baji: No! You’re the only one for me.

Kazutora: Is that so?

Baji: I promise! Chifuyu and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.

Kazutora: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?

Baji: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!

Kazutora: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?

Baji: Of course bro!

Kazutora: Bro...

Chifuyu: What the-

Chapter Text

Baji: But what about Kazutora? They were my SOULMATE!

Chifuyu: You said that about a ball of yarn once!

Chapter Text

Taiju: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks into this room.

Koko: Screw that, I’m not kissing any of you.

*Inui walks in*

Koko: Fine, I’ll do it. Rules are rules you know.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Is this your plan B?

Chifuyu: Technically, this is plan P.

Takemichi: Plan P? Is there a plan M?

Chifuyu: Yes, but I marry Kazutora in plan M.

Kazutora: I like plan M.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single?

Takemichi: Do not do that.

Mikey: You won’t even notice!

Baji, entering: Mikey, you wanted to see me again?

Mikey: Takemitchy is single


Chapter Text

Emma: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?

Izana: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you?

Shinichiro: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *yawns*

Mitsuya: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.

Kazutora: Then you must be exhausted.

Pah-chin: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

Chapter Text

Mikey: ....Thou shalt not marry each other, for thy art both sinful...

Baji: I just wanna fucking marry Draken!!

Chapter Text

Baji: Pfft, you should meet Kazutora, they're such a tsundere.

Chifuyu: They... they just stabbed you.

Baji: So cute.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one.

Ran: Erm... it’s nice to see your smile when you win!


Sanzu: They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they.

Rindou: Yeah, probably.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: That shirt looks great, Takemichi.

Takemichi: Thanks.

Kazutora: But I bet it would look even better on Mikey's floor.

Mikey: Are you hitting on Takemitchy... for me?

Chapter Text

Baji: Sorry, I'm late to the party. I've been doing things.

Kazutora, entering in an unbuttoned shirt: I got caught up doing things too.

Mikey: Wow, Baji was late too! What a coincidence!

Chapter Text

Inui: Listen, we’re done, we’re over! Okay?

Koko: Whatever bitch, you ain’t never gonna find no one like me.

Inui: Yeah, that's the point shithead!

Chapter Text

Draken: Are you trying to seduce me?

Emma: Why, are you seducible?

Chapter Text

Draken: Did you know you remind me of all 26 letters of the alphabet?

Takemichi: What? Like J F K W S Q X-

Draken: No, like, U R A Q T.

Takemichi: Awwww!

Chapter Text

Rindou: How much did you spend on this date?

Koko: $1400. But all of it's on credit cards, so it's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years.

Chapter Text

*Baji and Mitsuya are in Paris.*

Baji: I'm...moved. I...I don't know what it is I'm feeling right now. I feel...destiny?

Mitsuya: But...

Baji: I don't know what it is. I feel like... I just never thought I'd see it with my own two eyes. And here it is. It's just there. It's right in front of me, and...

Mitsuya: This is what you wanted to see? The bridge from Inception?

Baji: Yeah.

Mitsuya: But the Eiffel Tower is behind us, babe.

Baji: Yeah, but this is the bridge FROM INCEPTION.

Mitsuya: Okay, alright.

Chapter Text

Baji: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.

Mikey: Hi, I’m ‘things’.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Ugh, crushes are so dumb.

Kazutora: I know. Whenever I’m near the person I like I just start acting stupid.

Mikey: But you’re always acting stupid?

Kazutora: ...

Kazutora: Yeah, don’t think about that too hard.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: You have to apologize to them Ran.

Ran: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

Chapter Text

Baji: Are you an F5 key? Because that ass is refreshing.

Sanzu: Are you a software update? Because not right now.

Chapter Text

Ran: Do you know why I called you in here?

Draken: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

Ran: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

Chapter Text

Baji: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?

Draken: ...Have you never taken a shower before?

Chapter Text

Hanma: Smart is attractive. Educate me on something I don't know!

Kisaki: The mouth of a jellyfish is also an anus.

Hanma: Stop.

Chapter Text

Taiju: As top in this relationship, I think we should-

Koko: I can't believe you're pulling rank on me.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Relationships should be 50/50. Mucho cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Valentine’s day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant others and pos-

Takemichi: I wrote you a poem.

Mikey, already crying: You did?

Chapter Text

Draken: I’m in love with you.

Baji: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork.

Draken: I know.

Baji: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I fell—

Ran: From heaven?

Sanzu: No, I literally fell—

Ran: In love with me the moment you saw me?


Ran: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: That was so hot, Draken.

Draken: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenerate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

Sanzu: I'm so in love with you.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hey, Hanma, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

Hanma: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

Kazutora: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

Hanma: Can't really say I have.

Kazutora: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

Hanma: Sorry, Kazutora. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Why don’t you go talk to them?

Takemichi, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.

Sanzu: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen?

Takemichi: They could hear me.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine.

Mitsuya: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again.

Kazutora: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns??

Mitsuya: Is it working?

Chapter Text

Random Person: I think I'm falling for you.

Koko: Then get up.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Talk dirty to me, baby~

Senju: The dishes.

Mikey: Wh-

Senju: They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I like your new pants!

Takemichi: Thanks, they were 50% off!

Yuzuha: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*

Takemichi: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Yuzuha: Thats’s… not what I meant.

Takemichi: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Yuzuha.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Go fuck yourself.

Kazutora, smugly: Sure, but only if you watch

Chapter Text

Kisaki: *seductively takes off glasses*

Kisaki: Wow...

Hina: *blushes* Haha... what?

Kisaki: You're really fucking blurry.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Bro, I had a dream we fucked.

Baji: Bro, relax it was just a dream.

Kazutora: Huh, gay, I wouldn’t fuck you.

Baji: You wouldn’t?

Kazutora: I mean, unless you want to-

Chapter Text

Sanzu: We have a problem.

Koko: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

Chapter Text

Emma: Well, Draken and I finally did it!

The rest of the girls: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*

Emma: That's right... We kissed!

Chapter Text

Draken: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...

Sanzu: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

Chapter Text

Baji: Are you sure Chifuyu's even gay? They barely even looked at me.

Chapter Text

Rindou: The stars are so beautiful...

Sanzu: They're just giant balls of gas.

Rindou: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-

Sanzu: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.

Rindou: Oh…

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.

Baji: Wow. They sound stupid.

Kazutora: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.

Baji: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”

Kazutora: I guess you’re right. Hey Baji, I love you.

Baji: See! Just say that!

Kazutora: Holy fucking shit.

Baji: If that flies over their head then, sorry Kazutora, but they're too dumb for you.

Kazutora: Baji.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: You’re not jealous, are you?

Mikey: No!

Sanzu: Good, ‘cause I consider my fake relationship with you a lot more meaningful.

Chapter Text

Shion: When I was young, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rockstar. I'm not proud of it.

Mochi: You're kind of proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations.

Chapter Text

Taiju: We both look very handsome tonight.

South: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."

Taiju: I couldn't take that chance.

Chapter Text

Emma: Draken is playing hard to get.

Emma: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.

Chapter Text

Mochi, sweating: Akane, there’s something I need to ask you-

Akane: Finally! You’re proposing!

Mochi: How’d you know?

Akane: Mochi, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

Akane: I even picked it up once.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Look, last night was a mistake.

Shion: A sexy mistake.

Taiju: No, just a regular mistake.

Chapter Text

Benkei: The first time I saw you, you stole my heart.

Wakasa: But I'm a kleptomaniac, so that doesn't mean anything.

Chapter Text

Hanma: I think we should kiss.

Kisaki: And I think you should die but we don’t always get what we want.

Chapter Text

*Trying to cheer Draken after a break up*

Mikey: You broke up with Inui for a reason.

Draken: I know, I know. I’m just so tired of missing them. Tired of wondering why they haven’t called. Why haven’t they called?

Takemichi: Maybe because you told them not to.

Draken: What are you, the Memory Person?

Chapter Text

Ran: This date is boring!

Mitsuya: This isn't a date. I said I was going to the store.

Ran: Then why did you invite me?

Mitsuya: I didnt, I specifically said "dont come with me" then you said " fuck you Mitsuya I'll do whatever I want!”

Chapter Text

Draken: I think I just figured something out. I got to go.

Inui: Aren't you forgetting something?

Draken: Uuh...*hesitantly kisses Inui's forehead before running out.*

Inui: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Are you ready to commit?

Hanma: Like, a crime or a relationship?

Chapter Text

Choji: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.

Chome: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one?

Chonbo: Seize the dick.

Chapter Text

Baji: So you like cats?

Chifuyu: Yeah.

Baji: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*

Chapter Text

Hanma: Fuck you.

Baji: No u.

Hanma: I'm down.

Baji: You're like 2, what the fuck-

Hanma: I AM NOT 2!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Just a minute. I need to go take out the trash.

Taiju: Oh. We're going out?

Kazutora: Wh…

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I love them both, but how do I propose to two people?

Koko: Two different restaurants, one person at each restaurant. Twice the dessert, twice the applause.

Sanzu: Won’t people think it’s weird if there is a third person just sitting there, though?

Koko: I saw someone feed their pet peacock crème brûlée from their mouth at the French place on the corner last week: I think faux third-wheeling at an engagement is the least of your worries.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Two brooooos!

Kazutora: Chillin' in a hot tub!

Chifuyu: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!



Kazutora: *tearing up*

Chifuyu: Babe, c'mon...


Chifuyu: Babe…

Chapter Text

Mikey: Wow, Draken, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.

Draken: We literally slept together yesterday.

Mikey: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

Chapter Text

Koko: I love you.

Inui, not paying attention: What was that?

Koko: I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

Chapter Text

Draken: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?

Emma: Aww-

Draken: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.

Takemichi: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*

Yuzuha: That one. I want that one.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I feel like doing something stupid.

Shinichiro: I’m stupid, do me.

Chapter Text

Draken: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...

Mikey: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?

Draken: Holy moly-

Chapter Text

*At a speed dating event*

Inui: Oh wow, people are really shallow.

Chifuyu: Consider it a background check. For example: Do you have a death certificate?

Inui: *Checks their pulse* Sorry, not yet.

Chifuyu: Good, I'm not fucking a ghost again.

Chapter Text

Baji: Remember, Mikey, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Mikey: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I owe you one.

Senju: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.

Wakasa: Marry me.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *angrily presses Draken against a wall* WHERE'S THE MONEY?!

Draken: ...

Draken: Are we about to kiss-

Chapter Text

Hina: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?

Mikey: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?

Hina: Yes.

Mikey: I'd sleep.

Chapter Text

Ran: Are we fighting or flirting?

Smiley: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck-

Ran: Your point?

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I want to kiss you.

Mikey, not paying attention: What?

Sanzu: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Any last words?

Shinichiro: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Pros and cons of dating me.

Mochi: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Mochi: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I’m the smartest person in my friend group.

Draken: You hang out with Kazutora, Baji, Takemichi, and Mikey.

Draken: It’s not as high a compliment as you think.

Chapter Text

Koko: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Mikey: No.

Mochi: I did not.

Ran: I may have actually forgotten one.

Sanzu: Also no.

Koko: Oh good, neither did I.

Kakuchou: *Exhausted sigh*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: We have a problem.

Mitsuya: Let me guess, you caused it?

Draken: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.

Sanzu: And it's another Tuesday, your point?

Mikey: Would shooting you solve this problem? No? Then shut up.

Baji: If you mean the fire, that's our solution to last week's problem.

Chapter Text

*The squad's reaction to being told they're the chosen one*

Shinichiro: I will not let you down.

Hanma: Sounds fun.

Mikey: K.

South: No, I'm fucking not.

Senju: Do I have to be?

Takemichi: Please god, I am so tired

Chapter Text

Akkun: The floor is lava!

Chifuyu: *helps Hina & Takuya onto the counter*

Kazutora: *kicks Baji off the sofa*

Takemichi: *lays on the floor*

Akkun: ...Are you okay?

Takemichi: No.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Man, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Kakuchou, watching Koko screaming, Mikey trying to set a sleeping Sanzu on fire, and the Haitani siblings choking on air: I don't know either.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: You know, when Takemichi comes over, Mikey can get a little…

Takeomi: Psycho?

Koko: Scary?

Sanzu: Drunk?

Kakuchou: All three.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Emma: >:O language

Angry: Yeah watch your fucking language

Naoto: Okay, who taught Angry the fuck word?!

Senju: 'The fuck word'.

Hakkai: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Angry: Oh my god they censored it

Senju: Say fuck, Hakkai.

Angry: Do it, Hakkai. Say fuck.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.

Chifuyu: Hey.

Draken: Hi.

Baji: Hello.

Smiley: Hey!

Takemichi: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Mikey: We were out of Doritos.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Bye Takemitchy! Bye Draken! Bye Pah-chin! Bye Mitsuya! Bye Takemitchy!

Draken: You said ‘bye Takemitchy’ twice.

Mikey: I like Takemitchy.

Chapter Text

Hina: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

Mikey: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back...

Izana: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Kazutora: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Senju: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Takemichi: Mental stability, my old friend!

Hina: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?

Chapter Text

*Squad reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

Baji: Thanks fam!

Mikey: Oh no.

Takemichi: *cries* I love you too.

Kazutora: Sounds fake, but okay.

Mitsuya: *A flustered mess*

Mucho: Can I get a refund?

Chapter Text

Koko: Is it still visible? Where Inui slapped me?

Sanzu: Your face looks like a don't walk signal.

Mochi: Your face looks like a photo negative for the hamburger helper box.

Mikey: A palm reader could tell Inui's future by looking at your face.

Takeomi: The phrase 'talk to the hand cause the face ain't listening' doesn't work for you, because the hand is your face.

Koko: ...A simple 'yes' would've sufficed.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Time for plan G.

Baji: Don’t you mean plan B?

Kazutora: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Chome: What about plan D?

Kazutora: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Choji: What about plan E?

Kazutora: I’m hoping not to use it. Takemichi dies in plan E.

Hanma: I like plan E.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Stressed.

Kazutora: Depressed.

Mikey: Possessed.

Chifuyu: Obsessed.

Mitsuya: Impressed.

Baji: Chicken breast.

Everyone: ...What?

Baji: I just wanted to join in.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Takemitchy's first detention, I'm so proud.

Draken: Whoa, back up. Why did they get detention?

Chifuyu: Because they're an idiot.

Baji, terrified: They can do that??

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: You three, explain right now!

Kazutora: It was Baji.

Chifuyu: It was Baji.

Takemichi: It was Baji.


Baji: …fuck.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Shion, Ran, Rindou, and Mochi: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

Chapter Text

Angry: What does “take out” mean?

Hakkai: Food.

Takemichi: Dating.

Chifuyu: Murder.

Sanzu: It can be all three if you’re brave enough.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Did you bring Draken?

Chifuyu, gesturing to Baji: No, but I brought the next best thing.

Takemichi: Baji? The next best thing would be Mikey.

Baji: I would be offended, but Mikey is freakishly strong.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Look guys, I need help.

Chifuyu: Love help?

Yuzuha: Financial help?

Senju: Emotional help?

Hina: Help moving a body?

*Everybody looks at Hina*

Hina: What?

Chapter Text

*Everyone is giving advice to Mikey*

Draken: It's okay to ask for help.

Takemichi: You're not a burden.

Kazutora: Murder is okay.

Baji: Your feelings matter.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Chifuyu: Maybe a bit tipsy?

Draken: Drunk.

Kazutora: Wasted.

Mikey: Dead.

Chapter Text

Baji: Okay! Let’s play Kiss Marry Kill!

Baji: First who would you kill?

*Mikey points at Kazutora*

*Draken points at Kazutora*

*Mitsuya points at Kazutora*

Kazutora: *shrugs* I would kill me too.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: *visiting the gang* Hello, I just came to-

Kakuchou: *sees the Haitani siblings shoving Shion into the washing machine while Mochi records and Izana watches*

Kakuchou: *retreating* Something suddenly came up.

Chapter Text

*The gang's thoughts on stabbing*

Takemichi: Would never stab anyone.

Draken: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Baji: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

Kazutora: Would stab without warning.

Sanzu: Would stab as a warning.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Are we really going to let Mikey keep Takemitchy?

Draken: We kept Baji.

Chapter Text

Baji: *Gasp*

Chifuyu: wHAT??

Baji: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Chifuyu: *inhales*

Takemichi, in another room with Kazutora: Why can I hear screeching?

Chapter Text

Senju: Could you guys at least try to see this from my perspective?

Takeomi: *crouches down*

Benkei: *kneels down*

Wakasa: *sits on the floor*


Senju: I hate all of you.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Where's Inui?

Koko: Don't worry, I'll find them.

Koko, shouting: Takemichi sucks!

Inui, distantly: Takemichi is the best person ever! Fuck you!

Koko: Found them.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: What’s up with Mikey and Draken? They’ve been laying on the floor for like….an hour now?

Baji: They're just a little overwhelmed.

Mitsuya: Why?

Baji: Kazutora smiled at them.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: I still don’t have a New Year’s resolution.

Chifuyu: You could lose a few.

Hanma: You could be less lazy.

Takemichi: Don’t be such a bitch.

Kisaki: Okay DAMN, SHIT.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Hey guys I just found a new song I really like-

Mikey: Is it about death?

Mochi: No.

Sanzu: Is it about drugs?

Ran: Is it about sex?

Mochi: NO- it's about happiness and peace and-

Mikey, Sanzu, and Ran:

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *points at Takemichi* A human turtleneck, *points at Makoto* a narcissistic monster, *points at Yamagishi* and literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met.

Yamagishi: And who am I? Describe me now.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: We need a way to lure in new customers?

Hanma: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!

Chifuyu: Kazutora bath water.


Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Are you laughing at that video of Emma and Akane fighting?

Izana: No.

Baji: We are laughing at the comments.

Chapter Text

Baji: What is love?

Kazutora: An emotional minefield.

Chonbo: A neurochemical reaction.

Hanma: Baby don't hurt me.

Chapter Text

Koko: What do you want then?

Takemichi: Er… something work related.

Koko: What department is this?

Takemichi: Sorry?

Koko: Well, if it’s work related you’d obviously know what department this is. What department is this?

Koko: *looks at Chifuyu and Kazutora* Some sort of homosexual department?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.

Baji: You are my reward.


Mikey: You deserve a reward for putting up with me.

Draken: True, you can be really difficult at times.

Chapter Text

Choji: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Chome: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

Chonbo: A realist sees a freight train.

Kazutora: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Chapter Text

Hanma: So Kisaki was just using me?

Kazutora: I’m sorry, Hanma.

Baji, trying to contain their amusement: You must feel pretty stupid right now.


Kazutora: Ok, that’s a time-out.

Baji: No, I was just trying to-

Kazutora: Go sit over there!

Baji: *walks away in defeat*

Chapter Text

Takemichi, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-

Draken, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?

Mikey, also singing:The taste of his cherry chapstick.

Chifuyu, appalled: Call the exorcist.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: What do we think of Hanma?


Baji: *sighs* Nice pal.

Chome: I think they're gay.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I give up. I am so tired.

Chifuyu: Get the emergency supply!

Hina: *carries Kazutora and places them in front of Takemichi*

Kazutora: *smiles*


Chapter Text

Kazutora, pointing to the wall: What color is this?

Chome: Gray.

Choji: Grey.

Kazutora, turning to Chonbo: Now tell them what color you think it is.

Chonbo: Dark white.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Mikey: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

Sanzu: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Kazutora: My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Your smile? It makes my day.

Takemichi: Your happiness? I live for that.

Draken: A room? Get one.

Pah-chin: Hotel? Trivago.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!

Ran: You left me, Rindou, and Sanzu in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.

Kakuchou: I did that on purpose, try again.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I’m so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.

Chifuyu: Uh, Hina and Mikey are not getting along.

Takemichi: They’re not trying to kill each other.

Chifuyu: You may have a point.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Die.

Hanma: Please don't die!

Kisaki: DIE!


Takemichi, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?

Chifuyu, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and Hanma wants Kisaki to accept it as their kid.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I just want someone to take me out.

Angry: On a date?

Kisaki: With a sniper gun?

Sanzu: Both if you're not a coward.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: It’s time to turn this into a real business.

Kazutora: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?

Hina: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?

Chifuyu: I handle our accounting.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Emma: Weight loss? Drink water.

Mikey: Clear skin? Drink water.

Izana: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

Chapter Text

Hina, Takemichi & Chifuyu: *screaming*

Kazutora: *runs into the room* What's wrong, Hina?!

Chifuyu: Wait, why are you asking Hina that when Takemichi and I are also here?

Kazutora: Because Hina wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance.

Chapter Text

Inui: Count me in!

Benkei: Who the hell are you?!

Inui: Oh, you know my sibling! They worked at Wendy's.

Benkei: Oh yeah, Akane! How are they doing?

Inui: Oh yeah, not too good. They've been dead for the past month.

Shinichiro: What the hell, they didn't tell us!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Which country has the most birds?

Takemichi: Portu-geese!

Hanma: That's a language.

Takemichi: Portu-gull?

Hanma: Good recovery.

Chifuyu: I think you mean good re-dovery.


Chapter Text

*Everyone is playing a board game together*

Kazutora: I will put 'A' down to make 'A'.

Draken: I will add onto your 'A' to make 'AT'.

Mikey: I will add onto your 'AT' to make 'RAT'.

Mitsuya: I will add onto your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATAGRAPHIC'.

Baji: *flips the board*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything?

Baji: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Takemichi: That wasn't an ambulance, We drove you.

Baji: But I heard a siren.

Choji: That was Chonbo.

Chonbo: Sorry, I got nervous.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *is hugging Kazutora*

Chifuyu: Hey! It's my turn to hug Kazutora!

Chifuyu: *grabs Kazutora*

Hina: *kicking down the door* What do you mean, "yOuR tUrN"? We agreed now is my time slot!

Takemichi: No, It's still my turn!

Kazutora: *suffocating* Guys, I love you, but just because I'm the smallest doesn't mean you can be hugging me constantly!

Chifuyu: But we need the moral support!

Takemichi: And you're small! Which is cute!

Hina: If I don't hug you right now I think the depression will kick in and my body will stop functioning.

Kazutora: *close to tears* Well- I, I guess.

Chapter Text

Koko: I'm not doing too well.

Takeomi: What's wrong?

Koko: I have this headache that comes and goes.

*Sanzu enters the room*

Koko: There it is again.

Chapter Text

Inui: Who wants to make fifty bucks?

Koko: How?

Inui: I need someone to take the fall.

Koko: What did you do?

Inui: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.

Akane, from the other room: Oh my god.

Inui: ...

Akane: OH MY GOD!

Koko: Make it a hundred.

Inui: Deal.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I lost Senju.

Sanzu: How did you LOSE Senju?!

Takeomi: To be fair, they are very small.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hanma! What did I tell you about lying?

Hanma, looking down: ...That it only works on Takemichi.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: But what about Takemichi?

Chifuyu: Don't worry about them.

Chifuyu: I once watched them fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating their hotdog like nothing happened.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Baji way.

Peh-yan: Isn't that the wrong way?

Mitsuya: Yes, but it's faster.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: The first time I ever got upset in front of Koko, they put their arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask them if they were hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.

Koko: I was doing both, for your information.

Inui: The first time Koko hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn’t make eye contact for, like, a week after.

Chapter Text

Emma, to Hina: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.

Hina: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.

Emma: You just told me you're pregnant.

Takemichi: Congratulations Hina, you're glowing!

Chapter Text

*Baji dies in a game with ships*

Kazutora: This ship is no longer a ship of love, it's a ship of vengeance, a gavel of justice against all that is wrong in the world, showing no mercy, as no mercy was shown to us.

Kazutora: The spark of love will now fuel the fires of destructive glory as I wage my war across the world with righteous fury.

Hanma: Legend has it that Baji still haunts the ship, stealing my fucking drinks.

Baji: Of course I do.

Chapter Text

Senju: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.

Sanzu: But are you shuffling?

Senju: Everyday.

Takeomi: What language are you two speaking??

Chapter Text

Chome: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Choji: They do.

Chonbo: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Guys where did Ran go?

Rindou: They got arrested.

Kakuchou: How the hell-

Ran: *bursts in through the window* The cops are after me, I thought it would be fun to steal crackers and throw them at people.

Chapter Text

Makoto: I dare you-

Takuya: Takemichi is not allowed to accept dares anymore.

Makoto: Why not?

Takemichi: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without?

Choji: Hanma, probably.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: The moon looks beautiful, doesn’t it?

Baji, looking at Chifuyu: Yeah… but do you know what’s more beautiful?

Chifuyu and Baji in unison: *sighs* Kazutora

Chapter Text

Choji: What is everyone for Halloween?

Chonbo: I’m superman.

Chome: A clown.

Choji: So I’m guessing we don’t need to get you a costume then?

Chapter Text

Mikey: They made Takemichi cry!

Baji: Takemichi always cries!

Takemichi: That's not true! *cries*

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I hope you have an explanation for this.

Shion: We have three actually-

Hanma: Pick your favorite.

Chapter Text

Koko: What’s your name?

Kazutora, whispering to Takemichi: Can I tell them my real name?

Takemichi: No!

Kazutora: I’m… Takemichi.

Takemichi, whispering to themselves: The ONE TIME they get my name right…

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What's the signal when something goes wrong?

Kazutora: We yell, 'oh shit.'

Chifuyu: ...That'll work.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Baji is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in their entire life!

Pah-chin: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Chifuyu, I know you love Baji. I mean, we all do, they’re a very nice person and I respect them immensely.

Takemichi: But I think they might be a fucking idiot.

Chapter Text

*Something crashes*

Chifuyu: Shoot-

Takemichi: *running into the room in a panic* WHAT FELL?!

Kazutora: *walking by the room calmly* What died?

Chapter Text

Baji, talking about Hanma: Is this a friend of yours, Kazutora?

Kazutora: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hey, I see those leaves, where are you from?

Kakuchou: Illinois.


Koko: Did you just identify a state by looking at its leaves.

Chapter Text

Koko: So... This is my full potential?

Kazutora: Yes.

Koko: So, then it's...

Kazutora: All downhill from here.

Koko: Like Hanma.

Kazutora: I do not know what this Hanma is. But it sounds disappointing.

Chapter Text

*Emma holding their baby*

Izana: Oh God, I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these.

Mikey: I know, I still am one of these.

Chapter Text

Emma: Why were you up yesterday until 3am?

Shinichiro: How did you know I was up until 3am?

Mikey: We could hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes.

Chapter Text

Hina: You don't think I can fight because of my gender!

Yuzuha: I don't think you can fight because you're in a wedding dress. For what it's worth, I don't think Kazutora can fight in that dress either.

Kazutora: Perhaps not. But I would make a radiant bride.

Chapter Text

Shion: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, Kakuchou’*

Mochi: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’*

Chapter Text

Rindou: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!

Hanma: Bet you I can!

Kakuchou: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Chifuyu, gather the others. We need to have another Baji-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Hanma without them noticing?

Takemichi: Hey, Hanma, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.

Hanma: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.

Chifuyu: …

Chapter Text

Chome: I have a bad feeling about this...

Baji: What do you mean?

Chome: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?

Baji: No?

Kazutora: That actually explains so much.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, rushing into the room: It’s terrible, just terrible! I am so upset!

Hina: Kazutora, honey, sit down! Sweetheart, tell us all about it. Takemichi, would you get Kazutora some water?

Takemichi: What are they gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, “Thank God, the water’s here!”?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I hate to tell you this, but one of you was adopted.

Mikey & Emma:

Emma: Only one...?

Chapter Text

Ran: I like to think of myself as a semi responsible adult here.

Kakuchou: Rindou is 70% of your impulse control and you know this Ran.

Rindou: I feel like Ran is the more responsible one of us two though.

Ran: We are both 70% of each others' impulse control.

Rindou: Just two lil beasts in pinwheel hats spinning on the merry-go-round at dangerous velocities, holding each other’s hands so the other doesn’t fall off.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed.


Hanma: I'm gonna tell them.

Baji: Don't you dare.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Who knew getting in trouble would be so impossible?

Kakuchou: I gotta give you credit, Kazutora. You make it look easy.

Kazutora: Years of practice.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: We can’t tell you because you’re not a member of the club.

Kazutora: What club?

Mikey: The hating Kazutora club.

Kazutora: …The fuck? I should be the leader of that club!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!

Sanzu: Probably because I’m a dangerous sociopath with a long line of violence.

Takemichi: Oh...

Kakuchou, from across the room: I don’t understand how you keep forgetting that.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: So... what’s goin’ on?

Shion: You want the long version or the short version?

Kakuchou, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?

Shion: Shit’s fucked.

Kakuchou: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: It’s not gonna work, I’m not a snitch.

Cop: Fine, let's try something else. Tag a friend you recently committed a crime with.

Chifuyu: Lmao, @Baji.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.

Draken: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: What should I do?

Chifuyu: *holds out hand* May I suggest dinner with a friend?

Kazutora: Well, none of my friends are available, so I guess I'll have to go with you.

Chapter Text

Hanma: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway.


Hanma: Vroom vroom, come out already.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

Baji: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read!

Chapter Text

Baji’s Mom: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!

Baji: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Who hurt you?

Chifuyu: *snorting* What, do you want a list?

Kazutora: ...Yes, actually.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Hanma: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*


Hanma: It's perfume.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.

Chifuyu: Actually, Takemichi, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

Chapter Text

Shion, texting Kakuchou: *sends a voice message*

Kakuchou, texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent?

Shion: No, don’t worry, just listen later.


Kakuchou: *presses play*

Shion's voice message: THERE’S A FIRE-

Chapter Text

Mikey: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.

Draken: Those are wanted posters!

Chapter Text

Kazutora, very tired: Can I sleep in your bed?

Hina: *half asleep* Kazutora, this is a queen-sized bed. That means it’s for *gestures vaguely to themself* the Queen.

Chapter Text

Mucho: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Sanzu: What changed your mind?

Mucho: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: *Answers phone.* Hello?

Senju: It's Senju.

Takeomi: What did they do this time?

Senju: No, it's me, Takeomi. It's actually me.

Takeomi: What did you do this time?

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.

Chome: How so?

Kazutora: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

Chapter Text

Baji: I am 39 cheetos tall.

Mitsuya: Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?

Smiley: Because we're out of doritos.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Can you pass the salt?

Inui: Can you pass away?

Sanzu: Too much salt.

Chapter Text

Hina: Yes, I'm adopting Kazutora and you cowards can't tell me no!

Chapter Text

Koko: Pick a card, any card.

Inui: Fine.

Koko: Wait, that's my credit card!

Inui: You said any card.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: If I was married to you I would put poison in your coffee.

Chifuyu: If I was married to you I’d drink it.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh...

Chifuyu, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?

Kazutora, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

Chapter Text

Mikey: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.

Kazutora: But don't you hate yourself.

Mikey: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Ugh, there’s always that weak bitch in the group who isn’t down with murder.

Kazutora: *glares at Choji*

Choji: Well, sorry I have morals!

Chapter Text

Takemichi, turning to Hina: Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you can turn on is the microwave.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Ow!

Mitsuya: What’s wrong?

Takemichi: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Mitsuya: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Wait you like me? For my personality?

Mitsuya: I know, I was surprised too.

Chapter Text

Ran: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was changing their name to Izana.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Isn’t a bit dangerous?

Takemichi: Chifuyu, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.

Chifuyu: ...

Takemichi: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.

Chifuyu: ...

Takemichi: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves in the way home.

Chapter Text

Hina: That sounds like a terrible plan.

Chifuyu: Oh, we've had worse.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: What's this?

Chifuyu, hugging Kazutora: Affection!

Kazutora: Disgusting.

Kazutora: ...Do it again.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sibling and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Sanzu.

Hakkai: But you're Sanzu.

Sanzu: Kinda stuck. It’s a long story.

Chapter Text

Taiju: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.

Taiju: Anyways, you said Hakkai is enjoying finger painting! That's great.

Chapter Text

South: Do you need help getting up?

Ran: Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor.

Chapter Text

*Senju sends more than 5 messages in a row*

Wakasa: I ain’t reading all that.

Wakasa: I’m happy for you tho.

Wakasa: Or sorry that happened.

Chapter Text

Emma: Did you buy eggs like I asked?

Mikey: Even better!

Emma: What the fuck did you-

Mikey: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Kenmitchy.

Chapter Text

Draken: Don’t go picking a fight with me. I could make your life difficult.

Kazutora, sarcastically: Wow. I wonder what it’d be like to have a difficult life.

Chapter Text

Kiyomasa: Could you be anymore annoying?

Yamagishi: Yes.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I want a trip down memory lane.

Kazutora: *proceeds to grab every warrior cats book they have and sets them in Chifuyu's lap*

Kazutora: I heard you needed these?

Chifuyu: YES! ALL OF THEM!

Chapter Text

Kisaki:Baji, I sense hostility.

Baji: Good, because I hate you.

Chapter Text

Chome: Yeah, I don’t like people.

Hanma: Oh, well now that’s not fair Chome. Have you met all of them?

Chome: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You're alive.

Kisaki: There's no need to sound so disappointed.

Chapter Text

Draken: What are you eating?

Sanzu: You wouldn't like it, it's really salty.

Draken: I like you, don't I?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Kazutora, you’re such a genius!

Kazutora: Yes, I know.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Just be yourself. Say something nice.

Kisaki: Which one? I can't do both.

Chapter Text

Angry: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?

Emma: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: You know what’s funny about Chifuyu? They’re my best friend, and anyone who’d hurt them is someone I’d murder, probably.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou, to Takemichi: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: What's gone wrong, Rindou?

Rindou: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.

Kakuchou: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?

Rindou: Well... There’s a crisis.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Where are your parents?

Kisaki: What are parents?

Rindou: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I wanna die.

Takemichi: We all do, you aren't special!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I wasn’t that drunk.

Baji: You colored my face with a highlighter because you said I was important.


Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Damn, Kazutora, are you secretly cool?

Kazutora: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.

Pah-chin: I do not.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Kazutora.

Kazutora: I hate myself.

Yuzuha: Alright, square up.

Chapter Text

Emma: Do you have a self-care routine?

Inui: "Keep going bitch" said to myself in different accents.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back.

Kazutora: Why are you telling me this, I don't care.

Kazutora, right after Chifuyu leaves the room: I miss them already.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou, texting: Answer your phone

Mikey, texting back: Wait a minute, I can’t find my phone

Kakuchou: Understood

Kakuchou, 5 minutes later: You’re a terrible person. You know you’re killing me. You’re killing me, Mikey.

Chapter Text

Chonbo: So I’m the only one around here who can clean up, huh? You can't even lift a finger?

Chome: Do I get to pick the finger?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I have very high standards, you know.

Kazutora: I can make spaghetti...

Chifuyu: Oh no! You're meeting all my standards!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Hello Hina, made anyone cry today?

Hina: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

Chapter Text

Izana: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?

Mochi: Your life?

Izana: I- well yes, but-

Chapter Text

Akane: Go to sleep or you'll hate yourself in the morning!

Mochi: I'll hate myself in the morning regardless.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Chifuyu: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

Chapter Text

Senju: You look mentally ill.

Kazutora: I am. Let’s go.

Chapter Text

Baji: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?

Choji: Neither.

Choji: Because it's twelve.

Chapter Text

Teacher: Your child was in a fight.

Takemichi: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Kazutora: Did they win?

Chapter Text

Takeomi: I couldn't do this without you, Koko.

Koko: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.

Chapter Text

Hina: Kazutora taught me to think before I act.

Hina: ...So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

Chapter Text

Baji: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?

Kazutora: Not by the law!

Chapter Text

Senju: My assistance will be an act of beneviolence.

Hina: ...Don’t you mean benevolence?

Senju: No.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Benkei, what is the ONE thing I asked you NOT to do tonight?

Benkei: Raise the dead.

Wakasa: And what did you do?

Benkei: Raise the dead.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: So, what are we doing?

Chonbo: Wasting our lives.

Kazutora: I meant for lunch…

Chapter Text

Mikey: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Chapter Text

South: I don’t know the first thing about clothes. Pretty much all I can do is look at something and tell you if it’s clothes or not. This chair? Not clothes.

Chapter Text

Taiju: Assert your dominance over your friends by kicking them in the face, and then giving them a little smooch on the forehead!

Chapter Text

Rindou: Kakuchou, can you...

Kakuchou: If you let me,i would like to knock some sense into you with something hard.Like this brick for example

Ran: ...You know what? I will ask Takeomi *leaves running*


Mikey: Kakuchou why is everyone cowering in the corner?

Kakuchou: Hmm? *looks at Mikey with a soft smile and brick in his hand* One wishes to acquaint ur facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.

Mikey: *shivers and smiles nervously* ...You can take vacations for how long you want

Kakuchou: Really? Thank you

Chapter Text

Senju: This is my boyfriend, Takemichi, and this is Takemichi's boyfriend, Mikey.

Takeomi:Oh...Wait! What is the situation?

Senju: What do you mean?

Takeomi: How does this work?

Senju: Takemichi is gay but he is straight for me, and gay for Mikey, and Mikey is really gay for Takemichi and I hate Mikey

Takemichi: It's not that complicated

Chapter Text

Smiley: I am so horny and angry all the time.

Chapter Text

South: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”.

South: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.

Chapter Text

Senju: My gender is in a constant state of flux.

Chapter Text

Baji’s Mom: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Chapter Text

Makoto: As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

Chapter Text

Rindou: I think I mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart.

Chapter Text

Chome: What is the big deal about borrowing money? I do it all the time! Sometimes, I even pay it back!

Chapter Text

Chonbo: I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

Chapter Text

Demon: Hey, I took your souls last month and-

Kazutora/Mikey: No returns.

Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad…

Chapter Text

Benkei: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Chapter Text

Akkun: Please! Pretend I'm useful!

Chapter Text

Ran: I don't dab. I stab.

Chapter Text

Naoto: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be crying all day.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

Mitsuya: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

Chapter Text

Senju/Mikey: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit!

Chapter Text

Hanma: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I will send my army to attack!

Chifuyu: *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Chapter Text

Choji: In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t “fit in” and I don’t WANT to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid mask on? That’s weird.

Chapter Text

Baji: Do you know that we are made out of atoms?

Baji: And atoms never touch each other.

Baji: So in my defense, officer. I did not punch this kid.

Chapter Text

Shion, after having a nosebleed: Welp. Time to wash the blood off my hands.

Chapter Text

Peh-yan: I'm usually that person who has no idea what's going on.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Here's two facts about me.

Hakkai: 1. I hate hot people.

Hakkai: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

Chapter Text

Rindou: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.

Chapter Text

Naoto: I warned you.

Naoto: I'm perfect.

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: So according to the cease and desist order I got, apparently you can’t ‘legally’ be a lawyer if your license is ‘cut out of a cereal box’.

Chapter Text

Angry: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Seriously, I have no idea what to do.

Mochi: Oh, wait! Yahoo! Answers.

Chapter Text

Angry: Not to be nsfw but I want someone to hold me while I sleep.

Chapter Text

Makoto: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it!

Chapter Text

Takuya: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

Chapter Text

Baji: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, This is now a Threat.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.

Wakasa: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

Chapter Text

Mucho: I'm feeling it! What am I feeling? Death, probably.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

Chapter Text

Draken: You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.

Chapter Text

Smiley: If looking good was a crime, you’d be a law abiding citizen.

Chapter Text

Kazutora I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Chapter Text

Baji, at the slightest provocation: I came into this earth screaming and covered in someone else's blood and and I'm not afraid to leave the same way.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

Chapter Text

Kazutora, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: I wasn’t hurt that bad

Takemichi: Hina said all the bleeding was internal

Takemichi: Which is where it’s supposed to be

Chapter Text

Takeomi, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table: Tonight, we feast.

Chapter Text

Mikey: If I run and leap at Takemichi, they'll catch me in their arms!

Mikey: *runs and leaps at Takemichi*

Takemichi, who is holding coffee: *drops the coffee to catch Mikey*

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Do you like my outfit?

Baji: Not as much as I like what's underneath it.

Chifuyu, blushing: B-Baji

Baji: I need your chair. Get up.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk.

Kazutora: *cuts piece of cake*

Hina: …can I have some?

Kazutora: Cake is for talkers.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Pardon the intrusion, but-

Draken: On this moment or just my life in general?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You're smiling, did something good happen?

Baji: I can't smile just because I feel like it?

Kazutora: Kisaki tripped and fell in the parking lot

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I relate to Belle because she loves books and likes people for who they are!

Kazutora: I relate to Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she dies

Chapter Text

Mucho, bad at flirting: I like your name

Smiley, equally as bad: Thanks, I got it for my birthday

Chapter Text

Senju: I am very small

Senju: And I have no money

Senju: So you can imagine the kind of stress I’m under

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I like your shirt!

Ran: Thanks *remembers people like bad boys* I stole it *remembers people also like nice guys* from an old man I was helping walk across the street

Chapter Text

Taiju: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.

Inui: Please never become a surgeon

Chapter Text

Emma: time sensitive question how to flirt with a boy

Baji: Throw rocks at he

Mikey: Hot dog

Kazutora: Kill him

Emma: thanks guys

Chapter Text

Mikey: Look, let’s just agree to say “I’m sorry” on the count of three

Mikey: One, two, three



Mikey: See, now I’m just disappointed in both of us

Chapter Text

Baji: *dials 911*

Baji: hey i hate to be “that guy” but i glued myself to the ceiling again

Chapter Text

Shion: *kicks “G” off Graveyard sign*

Shion: Let’s get this party started

Chapter Text

Hanma: Things have actually been going really well with Kisaki. Our friendship is in a really good place.

Hanma: Last week I said, “Did you know the weiner dog is neither a weiner nor a dog?” Instead of saying, “Shut up, Hanma,” they said, “Okay.”

Chapter Text

Senju: Do you miss the imagination of childhood?

Kazutora: I never had one.

Senju: An imagination or a childhood?

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I am at a loss for words!

Baji, telling Chifuyu later: Despite being lost for words, Mitsuya yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Rules were made to be broken!

Angry: Yeah, well, bodies weren't!

Chapter Text

Baji: Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over

Chapter Text

Sanzu: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I just want a boyfriend!

Hina: It's about time, bitch!

Kazutora: So...what are my options?

Inui: So *shows Koko* this one has a lot of money, would treat you good and you would be set for life

Hina: *shows Baji*  These one would be really nice to you and he treats his mother well

Inui: *shows Choji* this one is like totally obsessed with you and in love with you

Hina: *shows all of Toman captains and vice-caotains* this are all good options

Inui: *shows Mikey* this one doesn't want you at all so just ignore it

Kazutora: Wait!

Kazutora: Why doesn't that one want me?

Hina: Doesn't matter they will treat you like shit anyways and they are 5'7

Inui: So just ignore it

Kazutora: B-but what's their name?

Hina: You have all these options…

Kazutora: Yeah I want that one

Kazutora: The one who doesn't want me! That's the one I want!

Inui: …

Hina: Dumb

Inui: Dumb as hell

Kazutora: Can I take that one, please?

Hina: Sure, yeah. Take it…

Inui: I don't give a fuck just take it

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

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Mikey: Damn, Takemitchy. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something

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Inui: You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

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South: That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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Naoto: Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

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Koko: Kakuchou says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

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Emma: Wow, is that Mitsuya making out with Taiju?

Chapter Text

*Mochi sneezes*

Shion: Who exploded?

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Taiju: Did those nice church ladies come by again?

Yuzuha, nods her head: I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.

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Mitsuya: A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

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Baji: One afternoon, when I was four years old, my mother came home, and she found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made her very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

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Ran: Mark my words, Rindou. We have not burned Tokyo to the ground for the last time

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Hanma: If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll show them exactly how multifunctional the utensil can be.

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Mikey: If you want the truth from someone, just make them angry.

Chapter Text


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Kazutora: People used to think that I was funny until I told them that it was a sickness.

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Mikey: When are we gonna fuck?

Takemichi: What?

Mikey: Oh sorry autocorrect. When are we gonna hang out?

Takemichi: First of all that two words isn't even close to each other. And second of all, this is a verbal conversation..

Chapter Text

Rindou: My kink is when people actually care about my feelings and what I have to say.

Ran: Unrealistic, just settle for bondage like the rest of us.

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Draken: Imagine being under 5’4’’ and thinking you have rights lol couldn’t be me.

Mikey: You wanna keep those kneecaps you better stfu

Draken: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you from all the way down there, can you repeat that?


Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I hardly slept last night.

Takemichi: When you can’t sleep, it means someone is thinking about you. Someone who loves you.

Chifuyu: Who the hell would be thinking of me at 3am?

Kazutora: [Gay Panic]

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I’m morosexual, I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively.

Baji: Hey, how good are you at math homework?

Chifuyu, already undressing: Oh my god, Baji, you’re so fucking stupid.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: What’s this?

Baji: My to-do list.

Mitsuya: Oh? That’s great. You’re starting to get organiz—

Mitsuya: This just says “Kazutora.”

Chapter Text

Draken: I don’t do relationships.

Emma: *exists*

Draken: Shit.

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Senju to Angry: Would you both do me the honor of becoming my brother- in-law?

Sanzu: Wait a minute-

Sanzu: Did you just propose to Angry for me?

Senju: Someone had to.

Chapter Text

Mucho: How was the honeymoon?

Draken: Sanzu got drunk and tried to destroy our marriage certificate.

Draken: He said, “good luck trying to return me without the receipt”.

Draken: I love him.

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Shion: Kakuchou, is that a hickey?

Kakuchou: It’s just a mosquito bite.

Izana: [walks in the room]

Shion: How’s it going, mosquito.

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Kazutora: Choji, can you please tell Baji that I’m mad at him? We’re in the middle of a fight and I don’t want to talk to him.

Choji: You’re literally sitting on his lap.

Kazutora: Yes, what’s your point?

Chapter Text

Computer: Please set your password.

Sanzu: *types in Mikey*

Computer: This password is too weak.

Sanzu: How dare you…

Sanzu: *flings computer out the window*

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Rindou: Fuck me.

Rindou: I mean...Fight me. Damn autocorrect.

Sanzu: This is a verbal conversation.

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Ran: I have a problem

Smiley: does it involve me?

Ran: no, but--

Smiley: then suffer in silence

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Makoto: I saw the most beautiful woman outside today.

Takemichi: That’s impossible, Hina has been inside with me all day.

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Emma: Mikey just created a group chat called "Mikey's Surprise Party" and just left

Hina: I'm feeling a lot of emotions but mostly...respect

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Emma: Why aren't you dating anyone?

Draken: Because I don't want to. Why aren't YOU dating anyone yet?

Emma: Because you don't want to

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Makoto: Bonjour, Yamagishi. Voulez–vous coucher avec moi?

Yamagishi: No, I don't want to sleep with you.

Makoto: Is that what that means? Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

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Takemichi: You think you're smarter than everyone else.

Kisaki: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

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Ran: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late.

Izana: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

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Senju: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.

Yuzuha: All I drank was Redbull!

Senju: How many?

Yuzuha: Eighteen.

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Baji’s Mom: Keisuke, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Baji: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

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Takeomi: I'm sorry, Takemichi. It's just that you remind me of my old boyfriend.

Takeomi: He was a selfless idiot too.

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Hakkai: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

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Shinichiro: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.

Wakasa: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

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Takemichi: *Locks Mikey in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Mikey: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

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Mikey: How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you?

Hanma: Mikey, it's four o'clock in the morning.

Mikey: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?

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Chonbo: Who the fuck--

Chome: Language!

Chonbo: Whom the fuck--

Chome: No.

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Ran: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.

Kakuchou: And you came to me?

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Chifuyu: So what do you have planned for the future?

Kazutora: Lunch.

Chifuyu: No, like long term.

Kazutora:, dinner?

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Draken: What's wrong with you?

Kazutora: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

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Choji: I trusted you!

Hanma: Why?

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Takuya: How we looking?

Yamagishi: Sexy, but not like we're trying too hard.

Yamagishi: Like, sure, we're trying, but it's almost effortless.

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Shinichiro: Emma, where have you been? You left your cell phone in your desk and I assumed you were dead.

Emma: Uh, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

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Takemichi: I have edge.

Mucho: You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb.

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Kazutora: Pah-chin, I think you should play the role of my father.

Pah-chin: I don't want to be your father.

Kazutora: That's perfect. You already know your lines

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Draken: Did you notice how hot your sister has gotten?

Izana: *Glares.*

Draken: Because I have not!

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Izana: I tried to let go of my anger, and threw a rock at my foot!

Mochi, to Shion: And what happened to you?!

Shion: Oh I laughed so hard I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It's fine.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Everyone know what they're doing?

Benkei: In general or the plan?

Wakasa: The plan, Benkei.

Benkei: *Sigh of relief.*

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South: How do people not swear??? Like where does their anger go?? How do they show their enthusiasm??? What if they stub their toe??? Like saying golly gosh isn't really going to cut it Barbara.

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Osanai: *Playing out of tune guitar.*

South: Hey, you take requests?

Osanai: Sure.

South: Please stop.

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Shinichiro: What's your biggest fear.

Inui: Being forgotten.

Shinichiro: Damn that's deep.

Shinichiro: Mine is the Kool-Aid man but I feel kinda stupid about it now.

Chapter Text

Ran: *Texts Smiley about what kind of teddy grahams they want.*

Smiley: Honey.

Ran: Yea wassup.

Ran: Just realized u was saying the flavor you wanted. Not addressing me endearingly.

Chapter Text

Emma: Guys, my water just broke.

Shinichiro: Don't worry about that, we'll just get you another one. Oh, you mean your body water! That's much worse.

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Emma: Before I do anything, I ask myself, would Mikey do that? And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

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Takemichi: I would have been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

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Takemichi: I'm sorry for all the stuff I said.

Mikey: And for punching me in the face?

Takemichi: No, you definitely deserved that.

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Kisaki: You go big or you go home. And you don’t seem like the kind of person that goes home.

Hanma: I’m not. I don’t even really have a home.

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Takemichi: We're going mattress shopping.

Yuzuha: You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.

Takemichi: Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress trampoline.


Takemichi: Wait, no. You were talking about sex.

Chapter Text

Mikey: [Pointing at the broken coffee machine.] So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Kakuchou: ...I did. I broke it.

Mikey: No. No you didn't. Sanzu?

Sanzu: Don't look at me. Look at Mochi.

Mochi: What?! I didn't break it.

Sanzu: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Mochi: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Sanzu: Suspicious.

Mochi: No it's not!

Ran: If it matters, probably not, but Koko was the last one to use it.

Koko: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Ran: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Koko: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Ran!

Kakuchou: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Mikey.

Mikey: No! Who broke it!?

Mochi: Mikey...Takeomi's been awfully quiet.

Takeomi: REALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing.]

Mikey: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty/sixty bucks?

Koko: Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.

Takeomi: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Sanzu, don't take this the wrong way, but, you're insane.

Peh-yan: That may well be, but the fact is it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.

Sanzu: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers or the carriers of unusual pathogens. And I'm not insane, my brother had me tested.

Chapter Text

Naoto: Why are you crying?

Takemichi: Because I'm stupid.

Naoto: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Chapter Text

*Hina and Takemichi are eating cheesecake from the floor*
*Mikey appears*
*They freeze in their spot after hearing footsteps*
Mikey: *stares & then proceeds to take spoon out of their pocket*
Mikey: ooooo so what're we having?

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: What is your favourite sound?

Baji: Kazutora's heartbeat because it tells me he is alive. Or his laughs because it lets me know he is happy.

Baji: Or just his voice, it's beautiful.

Mitsuya: I love this side of you

Chapter Text

Baji: You know, Takemichi, I'm glad we are taking things slow in this relationship

Baji: But I also can't wait to pin you in the bed and fuck you

Takemichi: Moment ruined, Baji

Chapter Text

Kazutora: If I die, how much would you miss me?

Hanma: It's cute that you think death can get you out of this relationship

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Is Baji here?

Kazutora: *shouting* Baji, your boyfriend is here.

Baji: He is not my boyfriend!

Kazutora: That's not what you said yesterday when you had your tongue down his throat

Chapter Text

Hina: This is my ex-boyfriend

Takemichi: You've got to stop introducing me like that

Takemichi: I'm her husband

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: A guy just asked me out

Hakkai: Ooooo free dinner!

Yuzuha: Hakkai, I don't like guys

Hakkai: You like free dinner

Chapter Text

Mikey: Kazutora, all nice girls like a gentleman!

Kazutora, whispering: What about the pretty mentally fucked up boys?

Mikey: *blushes*

Chapter Text

Mochi: Why the sudden thawing of your icy heart?

Izana: Well, because I realized that the world is even colder than I am. And the only thing that you can do to keep from freezing to death is have good friends around you to keep you warm

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: I have an excellent gaydar.

Mitsuya: If somenoe's gay I can always tell within-

Yuzuha: Hakkai had been in love with you for years.

Mitsuya: What?!

Chapter Text

Pah-chin: Hey, what's up?

Mikey, writing his best man speech: My stress levels

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Hey, are you still pissed?

Hina: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Sano Manjirou to actually work?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What do you say when you answer the phone?

Koko: Wha's up?

Taiju: Who dis be?

Inui: No, she's dead. This is her brother

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: As a gay...

Draken: ...supporter?

Mitsuya: As a FUCKING GAY! Draken, seriously, I've been flirting with you for almost a year now!

Chapter Text

Rindou: Quick, take my hands!

Angry: *grabs her hand* Now what?

Rindou: Nothing. I just wanted to hold hands

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Can I have another cookie?

Mikey: Well what did Draken say?

Takemichi: He said no

Mikey: ...Then why should I say yes?

Takemichi: Because he's not the boss of you


Mikey, internally: It's a trap it's a trap it's a trap-

Chapter Text

Mikey: *sneezes*

Baji, stuck in the ceiling: Bless you!

Mikey, looking around frantically: God???

Chapter Text


Draken: What is he talking about?

Kazutora: Come on, Mikey, it was funny-


Chapter Text

Angry: *raises his voice just enough to be heard across the aisle* Nahoya-nii, do you want any chips?

Smiley: *at full volume* I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR DORITOS

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Hey, Mikey, are you like, seeing anybody?

Mikey, smirking: Why, are you interested?

Kazutora: No, I just think it'd help if you saw a therapist or something

Chapter Text

Killer: I'm watching you


Emma: ...Do I look good?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: What does it matter? I'm adopted.

Mikey: What? OH MY GOD. WHO TOLD YOU? *looks at Draken* I thought we'd agreed we'd wait until he was older...

Takemichi: You adopted me when I was 14/15 years old! Besides, you're both men!

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *unbottoning shirt* God, it's hot in here.

Draken: Yeah, but why are you unbottoning my shirt?

Chapter Text

Baji: So there was a big fire, a little chemical explosion that happened-

Baji: Chifuyu was like, 'How do we put the fire out?'

Baji: Kazutora goes 'Use my body, I don't need it.'

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Any cute things to call your lover?

Angry: Sugar

Takemichi: Honey

Mikey: Flour

Baji: Egg

Draken: 1/2lb butter

Kazutora: Stir

Smiley: Pour into a pan

Mucho: Preheat to 350 degrees

Chapter Text

Draken: Excuse me? I lost my friend. Can I please make an announcement?

Worker: Of course.

Draken, leans into the mic: Goodbye, you little shit.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Until today I still don't know how I'm alive or how I arrived here. I'm sure I was possessed by something during my middle school years and beginning of high school.


Yamagishi: For the last time I'm not google so stop asking me things! For god sakes It's a miracle that I have passed school all this years


Makoto: Why do my friends get all the girls? One of them is even engaged already!


Akkun: I have been waiting for the day I would leave this hell! Thank you to whatever god that permitted this day to arrive!


Takuya: I'm a boy and no I'm not Sano Manjirou's lost brother.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I asked Emma what to put here and she said to write this 'Draken please just confess already to my sister'


Draken: If one more person makes a comment about Mikey's senior quote I will punch them


Mitsuya: All this years were difficult with having to take care of all this idiots but I'm finally free!


Pah-chin: Even if my notes were shit I got the girl I have loved since childhood!


Baji: I will finally be able to marry Tora! Thank you teachers for making it possible for me to pass all these years!


Kazutora: I'm in love with idiots but can't do nothing about it…


Smiley: Just for those curious I have been gay since the beginning


Mucho: Hopefully I will get some peace after I'm out of here


Chifuyu: Tora will be my wife so just ignore what Baji-san wrote


Angry: Just because I have an angry face doesn't make me a violent person besides I'm already engaged♡


Hakkai: I'm a proud TakaSimp♡


Peh-yan: I don't wanna become an adult! I know it will be worse even if I will have my best friend beside me


Sanzu: Next person to call me 'sexy girl' will have a sword going through their heart♡

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Everyday of my life I question what I did in my past life to have to take care of all this idiots


Izana: I will kill everyone who is in my way, except Kakuchou he is mine forever


Ran: Don't forget that if someone's is annoying you just pick a brick and slam it into their heads


Rindou: I don't know what to say here but at least at the end of this hell I will have my marriage with Souya & Haruchiyo waiting for me♡


Mochi: So who wants to go to a restaurant to celebrate that we are finally done with high school? I'm pretty sure that if Ran or Koko don't give me money I can still rob a bank


Shion: I love when people ask me for my type of girl. Like, darling, unless you are a boy and can beat the shit out of me there is no chance between you and me


Koko: Money is the reason I continue to live and Seishu too


Kisaki: Is it wrong if sometimes I wish to just kill everyone? Because you are all annoying

Chapter Text

Hanma: Is someone interested in drinking vinegar with me later? I will even pay for it


Chonbo: Sometimes I wish that they had broken all my bones rather than taking all of the little sanity I had…


Choji: No, I will not take my mask off! If you continue insisting on that I will sick Hanma on you and believe you will not enjoy it


Chome: Why does it seem like I have the most sanity out of them? I can barely get up in the morning, how did it come to this?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Why do all the girls reject me? I just want one date it doesn't have to be more than that


Wakasa: I'm too gay and tired for this shit! Someone wants to offer me some wine? I will even marry you for some


Benkei: Twelve years in this hell and I still don't know what I will do with my life


Takeomi: I have the feeling that my little brother will become a murderer and my little sister will try to destroy a relationship


Taiju: Why do people think I'm straight? I may go to church but I'm not blind so if I see a pretty boy I will simp


Inui: Why do people think that just because I have a rich friend and selfless idiot friend I'm no longer traumatized? Those two probably have more trauma than me!

Chapter Text

Akane: If I see one more person flirting with my little brothers I will destroy them♡


Yuzuha: Why can't there be more boys like Takemichi? That is the reason why I became lesbian!


Emma: If by the time I'm 25 Draken still hasn't asked me out I will marry Takemichi too


Senju: Be careful, Tachibana Hinata, because the moment you are even a little distracted I will take Takemichi for me♡


Hinata: I may appear sweet but if you try to take my boy from me I will kill you♡


Hanayome: Sorry boys but I already found my prince charming♡


Hanegawa: If I see Hanagaki one more time I will jump of a roof


Luna: I know that Kazutora is married but I will become his wife anyway


Mana: People say the youngest siblings are the worst but let me tell you that is the biggest lie I have ever been told.

Chapter Text

South: The next one to question how I passed all these years I will kick them in the stomach! I may be a delinquent but I take my studies seriously!


Osanai: If you see me in the future just act like you don't know me because I will probably not recognize you


Naoto: Is it bad that my first crush and love is my sister's fiance? Like can anyone blame me for falling for that pretty selfless idiot?


Kiyomasa: I start to think that gangs influence you to be gay


Masaru: I still don't know how I ended up dating my bully

Chapter Text

Mochi: Koko, truth or dare?

Koko: Truth.

Mochi: What is your credit card number?

Koko: *glares at Mochi*

Chapter Text

Therapist: What do you do when something goes wrong?

Kazutora: Blame Mikey!

Mikey: Become a emo lord or kill everyone

Baji/Akkun: Kill myself

Takemichi: Shake hands with Naoto

Draken: Fight your bestfriend

Izana: Kill your siblings

Kisaki: Destroy others lives

Hanma/Sanzu: Drugs

Koko: Get more money even if it is dirty

Hina: ...cry

Therapist: *whispering* I think I will be the one who will need a therapist at the end of this...

Chapter Text

Takuya, waking up frantically: I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL!!!

Takuya, lays back down: Oh wait I'm 26

Takuya, jumps out of the bed screaming: I'M THE TEACHER!!!

Chapter Text

Taiju: *scanning the shelves*

Taiju: *looks around, and then at Inui* Have you seen my husband?

Inui: Sorry but no


Ran: *looks confused at Taiju* How did you know?


Ran: Fuck!

Taiju: *looking at Inui* That came from the wine aisle, didn't it?

Chapter Text

Takemichi: So whats it like working with Chifuyu and Baji?

Kazutora: Well imagine working with civilized, calm, mature people-

Takemichi: Yes?

Kazutora: Then throw that idea out of the window

Chapter Text

Emma: What are you guys doing?

Shinichiro: *standing on the table with Mikey & Izana* We live here you know we can stand wherever we want, thank you very much


Emma: Where is the spider?

Mikey: It's beside the fridge. Please get it for us, please!

Chapter Text

Izana: Takemichi, I'm asking you permission to date Kakuchou.

Takemichi: What is this, the dark ages? You know what? Since you asked me, no, you can't. Beat me at making a puzzle first

Chapter Text

Taiju: Gotta love knitting needles. I can make a scarf. I can make a hat. I can stab your eyes out. I can make mittens.

Ran: What was the middle part?

Taiju: I can make a hat.

Chapter Text

Rindou: The real treasure is the memories we made along the way.

Ran: What the hell are you talking about? I almost died.

Sanzu: Ah yes, my fondest memory.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I'm not mad. I just want to know why you two need a fake ID

Takemichi: *incoherent mumbling*

Wakasa: Huh?

Senju: ...You need to be over 18 at PetCo to hold the puppies

Chapter Text

Draken: Okay, field trip time. Where do you all wanna go?

Mikey/Baji: Food museum!

Mitsuya: You would eat everything there so no.

Kazutora: Hell.

Draken: No. But do you wanna talk about it?

Kazutora: ...Later.

Chapter Text

Rindou: I'm thinking of a summer wedding, maybe fall, but I don't want it to be too cold.

Angry: What? We are not even engaged.


Rindou: *muttering* So that was what I forgot yesterday...

Chapter Text

*in a art gallery*

Ran: You know, I'm surrounded by masterpieces but the irreplaceable one is you.

Angry: *blushes*


Smiley: The artwork is great, but-

Rindou: *blushes*

Smiley: Everyone knows I'm the real masterpiece.


Chapter Text

Takemichi: Man, it sure is dark in here


Takemichi: I'm not scared of anything


Takemichi: I mean, who's scared of the dark these days? Not me, no sir...

Hina: Do you want me to hold your hand?

Takemichi: Yes, please.

Chapter Text

Smiley, yelling across the hallway: KAWATA!


Smiley: KAWATA!


Rindou: Why are they telling their own last names at each other?

Mitsuya, without looking up from the clothes he is making: They are fighting over which one we will use when we get married.

Angry: I think Mitsuya would be better

Rindou, watching Ran and Smiley start fighting physically: Same

Chapter Text

Hina: What color is Baji's eyes?

Chifuyu: The warm chestnut of well-worn leather when the sun comes out after days of rain.

Hina: What?

Chifuyu: I said brown

Kazutora, hiding behind a tree with Baji: I told you he was in love with you

Baji, blushing:

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Who knows! But everyone finds me pretty and that makes everyone gay.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: Being tired isn't even a mood anymore.

Wakasa: It's my entire personality.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, talking about Kisaki: I wish we could block people in real life.

Hina: Restraining order.

Kazutora: Murder.

Chapter Text

Baji: I hate to see you like that.

Kisaki: Like what?

Baji: In person.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: Please do hesitate to contact me. I hate phone calls.

Chapter Text

Taiju: In the name of the father, son and holy ghost-

Yuzuha: Head, shoulders, knees and toes-

Hakkai: Turn up your nose and strike that pose-


Chapter Text

Drakemma's Child: I'm scared.

Draken: Emma said to go to bed.

Drakemma's Child: There is a monster under my bed!

Draken: Is is scarier then your mother?

Drakemma's Child:

Drakemma's Child: *goes back to bed*

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *phone starts ringing*

Smiley: *looks to see whose calling*


Kazutora: *answers call and makes direct eyes contact with Smiley*

Kazutora: Hey Chifuyu

Hina: *chokes on drink*

Chapter Text

Mikey: *texting Izana and Emma* I heard Shinichiro say he was going to Dairy Queen so I snuck into his car and he has no idea I'm in here.

Mikey: He asked Benkei what he wanted, and I popped up from from the floor and said 'I was thinking of a milkshake'.

Mikey: I never heard two delinquents scream louder.

Chapter Text

Baji: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I strong or weak?

Chome: You're weak!

Choji: You're strong!

Chonbo: You're stupid!

Chapter Text


Kakuchou: Well I didn't sign up to be a mother of 9 teenage boys but here we are!

Mucho, eating lunch that Kakuchou made: You're not my mother though.


Mucho: Ok, so you're kind of my mother.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *looking at the stars*

Hina: What are you doing?

Kazutora: Naming the stars after people I love.

Hina: Do I get a star?

Kazutora: You get the sun.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Ten years ago today, I married my best friend.

Mikey: Emma is still very angry about it, but Draken and I were drunk and thought it was funny.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Can you please pass the salt, daddy?

Chifuyu: *reaches for the salt*

Draken: *reaches for the salt*

Inui: Here it goes.

Koko: I'm surprised I wasn't thrown across the table this time.

Chapter Text

Draken: We should stop worrying about Takemichi and let him lead his own life.

Takemichi: I'm going to hang out with Mikey and Baji!



Inui: Do you want to follow him or should I?

Draken: Let's both do it.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: This was a 100% successful trip!

Hina: We lost Kisaki.

Baji: A 100% successful trip as Takemichi said.

Chapter Text

*truth or dare game*

Baji: I dare Tora to prank call his asshole of a dad!

Kazutora: Pfft! That's it? *takes out phone* Siri, call dad-

Siri: Calling "Daddy"

Kazutora: NO NO NO-

*Smiley's phone starts ringing*

Toman: ...

Smiley: *picks up call* Hi, princess!

Kazutora: *blushes and curses Siri*

Chapter Text

Mikey: Come on, Baji! Nobody thinks that Takuya is my long lost twin brother!

Baji: *turns to their friends* Put your hand up if you thought that Takuya was Mikey's long lost twin brother.

*everyone puts their hand up*

Mikey: Emma, put your hand down!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Be gay, do crimes!

Koko/Mitsuya/Inui: *commits fraud*

Akkun/Takuya/Hina: *commits tax evasion*

Chifuyu/Senju: *commits theft*

Baji/Mikey/Emma: *commits arson*

Draken/Hanma/Kisaki: *commits treason*

Taiju/Sanzu/Yuzuha: *commits murder*

Izana/Mucho/Kisaki/Hanma: *commits mass murder*

Takemichi/Hakkai/Naoto: *doesn't do anything*

Chapter Text

Takuya: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sound nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods, you're going to die.

Sanzu: My favourite is "butt dial" vs "booty call".

Hina:It's called connotation.

Kazutora: Also, "forgive me father, for I have sinned" vs "sorry daddy, I've been naughty".

Wakasa: Great news! Language is now cancelled!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Draken's a highway.

Akkun: Explain.

Takemichi: I want to ride him all night long.


Akkun: Get out.

Chapter Text

Hina: Kazutora, can you call Smiley? He and Angry should already be here for our dinner party.

Kazutora: 'Kay *takes phone out* Siri, call Kawata Nahoya.

Siri: Calling "Daddy".





Hanayome: Pay up, bitches! I told you they were together!

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I need a job!

Hina: Just look for one.

Kazutora: I did!

Takemichi: So?

Kazutora: Who the fuck wants to employ an ex-prisoner?



Chifuyu: *distracted doing paperwork* Did you ever thought of becoming a sugar baby? You are pretty so you could easily be one.


Hina: No! You could end up with a crazy murderer!

Takemichi: Or a emo mafia boss even if he is rich!

Kazutora: I won't lose anything for trying that.

*three months later during a meeting between the ex-members of Toman*

Pah-chin: Where is Kazutora?

Chifuyu: He said he would arrive late since she wants to present his sugar daddy to us

Hakkai: I still can't believe you gave him that idea

Chifuyu I didn't think he would do it and be happy with it

Peh-yan: *looking at the door* Isn't that Kazutora and-

Kazutora, dragging Mikey & Sanzu with him: Guys meets my daddies!


Chapter Text

Takemichi: I can't believe we are stuck in this room together.

Mikey, swallowing the key: Truly unfortunate.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Are you in love with Draken?

Sanzu: *sweats* ...No

Mikey: Then why did you draw 'D+S' in hearts everywhere?

Sanzu: It stands for death and suffering.

Chapter Text

Ran, dramatically: She was poetry, but he couldn't read.

Mochi: His name was Jarred, he's nineteen.

Mikey: When his parents built a strange machine.

Koko: Watch that scene dig it the Dancing Queen!

Sanzu and Rindou, together: AAAAAAYYY MACARENA!!!

Takeomi: ...Horrible job, everyone.

Chapter Text

Inui: So, how is it to date Sanzu?

Draken: Once, I asked him for water while he was still mad at me, and he brought me a glass full of ice and said 'wait'.

Draken: I love him.

Chapter Text

*Wakasa, Draken, Kakuchou and Taiju meet for lunch*

Kakuchou: I don't know how you do it Draken, how do you and Mitsuya control 11 kids?

Draken: We don't.

Wakasa: I can't even control my 4 children.

Taiju: At least my kids aren't too bad and I can leave them alone at home.

*Draken's phone rings*


Draken: That was Angry. Apparently Baji is on the roof losing his shit again so I have to go since Mitsuya is on vacations with his sisters.

Chapter Text

Draken: All my shirts keep disappearing.

Kazutora, using a hoodie three times his size: Spooky.

Draken: You know I can see you in my hoodie, right?

Kazutora: Yep.


Draken: Next time just ask. *mumbling the next part* It isn't like I can say no to you.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro, looking at the mess his siblings did: How do Sanzu and Senju usually get out of these messes?

Takeomi, tired seeing that his siblings were joining Shinichiro's: They do a even bigger mess that cancels the first one.


Shinichiro: Do you wanna go have a drink?

Takeomi: Yeah, sure

Chapter Text

Shion: What if people had food names and food had people names?

Mochi to Ran: Hey Spaghetti, time for dinner.

Ran(Spaghetti): What are we having?

Mochi: Kakuchou.

South: Why am I even friends with you guys?

Ran: Shut up, Potato.

Chapter Text

Hanma: You can't do that!

Kisaki: Why?

Hanma: You will hurt the baby!

Kisaki, confused: What baby?

Hanma: Me, I'm the baby.

Chapter Text

Makoto: I'm an idiot.




Akkun: If you are waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Truth or dare?

Baji: *exasperated* Truth.

Hanma: Do you want to kiss me?

Kazutora: Dare.

Hanma: *leans in* I dare you to kiss me.

Baji/Kazutora: Never have I ever-


Chapter Text

Sanzu: We have your boyfriend and future Mr. Kokonoi.

Chifuyu: *confused* I don't have a boyfriend

Hina: *whispering* Isn't Kokonoi theblast name of Sei's ex-bestfriend?

Rindou: They made us reevaluate our life choices and now we feel bad, so, can you come pick them up? Please? I need to go ask certain crying blue ogre out so hurry up.



Hina: Oh my god, you have Takemichi and Kazutora!

Ran: *heard far away from the phone* I'm going to become a professional photographer and take the photos in your wedding with Koko!

Kazutora: *also heard far away* I like that idea! Hey Michi do you think Takashi will make me a dress?

Chifuyu: *muttering* I should have never let those two hang out.

Mikey: Come and pick them up before I'm the one that will marry Takemitchy!

Hina: *picking the car keys before shouting* DON'T YOU DARE YOU FUCKING EMO SHORTY!

Chapter Text

Benkei: So, you three got kicked out of the movies? What for?

Takeomi: Sanzu and Senju were yelling diving scores during Titanic as people jumped off the boat

Senju: That last guy and a solid 8 let me tell you.

Sanzu: Agreed

Chapter Text

Mikey: Would you all stop accusing me of having a favorite Braham member. I like Takemitchy and all you non-Takemitchy equally!

Takemichi: ...Thanks?

Chapter Text

Ran, holding a struggling and blushing Rindou on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes: Can Rindou have your brother for the rest of his life? Please say yes I have heard enough of his simping to dure me four thousand lifetimes.

Smiley: Wait here *goes back inside his house*

Smiley: *comes back with a very confused Angry* Take him and only comes back once they have planned their wedding.

Ran, picks Angry and puts him in his other shoulder: It was nice to make a deal with you.

Chapter Text

Izana: What, no...

Ran: Are you...blushing?

Ran: Did I get the hardcore, total badass Kurokawa Izana to blush?

Izana:''s the cold.

Ran: Huh. It's the cold. And not that I told you 'Your face is really adorable and I bet the rest of you is too'?

Izana: *blushing harder* *voice cracks* N-no.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Of all the possible futures I have seen...

Chifuyu: How many were we close to save everyone?

Takemichi: Only once *continues with factual tone* But I end up always finding myself in bed with you and Mikey.

Chifuyu: *blushes*

Mikey: I won't mind doing that now



Mikey: What?

Chapter Text

Wakasa: 80% exhaustation, 10% sarcasm & 20% don't care.

Benkei: That's 110%.

Wakasa: 20% don't care.

Benkei: Should have seen that coming.

Chapter Text

Kisaki: You're not really a morning person, are you?

Hanma, brushing his teeth with mayonnaise: What? I'm completely awake.

Chapter Text

Emma: Poison is magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

Kisaki: This knife is actually a magic wand.

Baji: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a wizard duel.

Draken: *cocks gun* Magic missile.

Akane: What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Shinichiro, patting Akane's back: Just give up while you still have some sanity.

Chapter Text

Hina: I've noticed we have slowly started to take the 'b' out of 'bromance'.

Emma, kneeling while holding a ring: You think?

Chapter Text

Angry: Draken, can you give me a high five?

Draken: *high fives him confused*

Angry: *entwines their fingers*

Draken: Wh-

Angry: I'm in love with you

Draken: *blushing*


Emma: *muttering* Why did I never think of this?

Chapter Text

*Draken waiting for Emma so they could go on their first date*

Draken: Hey Izana, will Emma take much longer?

Izana: I don-

*Mikey, Baji & Kazutora appear in fron of the stairs*


Kazutora: SHE IS GRACE.


Draken/Izana: Wh-

Baji/Kazutora/Mikey: WE PRESENT TO YOU, SANO EMMA!!!

Emma: *giggling* Sorry for taking so long, Draken!

Draken: *not taking his eyes of Emma* It's okay. I didn't wait for too long.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: *accidently eats something too spicy so his eyes start to water*

Mitsuya: Tora, look at me. It's okay. I would die for you. I love you so much. You're the best person I know.

Kazutora: I'm not crying?

Mitsuya, hugging him: Shh baby, it's okay. Takashi is here and he loves you with his whole heart.

Chapter Text

South: Why is Senju in the counter?

Draken: She likes to feel tall. Mikey used to do it too.

*meanwhile in Kanto Manji Gang's shared house*

Koko: I'm not even going to question what you are doing in the counter, Mikey.

Mikey: Good choice.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Boys are hot.

Yuzuha: Girls are hot too.

Yuzuha: Why is everyone hot?

Taiju: Global warming.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: *next to Kisaki*

Chifuyu: Sanzu betrayed us!!!

Takemichi: Wait for it.

Sanzu: ...

Takemichi: Wait for it..

Sanzu: ...

Takemichi: Wait for it...

Sanzu: *stabs Kisaki*


Chifuyu: Uh

Chifuyu: How did you know he hadn't betrayed Toman?

Takemichi: It doesn't matter the future but Haruchiyo will always be by Mikey's side and will first kill himself before he ever betrays his king




Sanzu: This is why you should be Mikey's queen

Takemichi: Haruchiyo we already had this conversation.

Sanzu: *pouting* ...Okay


Izana: *whispering to Tenjiku* Let's start leaving slowly and silently

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I'm still trying to figure out why you are friends with me.

Hina: Because you are funny and sweet.

Kazutora: Yuzuha says I'm bitter and grumpy, so one of you is lying.

Chapter Text

Emma: I'm not gay.

Yuzuha: *exists*

Emma: You know what? I'm gay!

*meanwhile in the background*

Takeomi: Is this like a family tradition?

Kakuchou: Probably.

Takemichi: I don't think their grandpa is gay...but maybe it is between the Sano siblings.

Chapter Text

*Past Takemichi visits Kazutora in jail*

Kazutora: Are you okay?

Takemichi: Yeah, I'm fine.

Kazutora: What does 'fine' mean?

Takemichi: It means that I'm perfectly content but also wouldn't mind if the sun exploded right now and killed us all.

Kazutora: *whispering* mood.

Kazutora: Do you want a hug?

Takemichi: Yes, please.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Hey Takemitchy, do you wanna join our Toman Delinquent Gang?

Past Takemichi: My name is Takemichi and no, I don't wan to.

Mitsuya: What about our Toman Home Economics Club?

Past Takemichi: Why do you have one if most of you still can't make instant ramen? And no, I do not want to join.

Baji: How about our Toman Pet Rescue Organiszation?

Past Takemichi: No! I also do not want to join your Bonten Alliance, Toman Model Agency, Toman Restaurant or Toman D&D Motors!!!





Pah-chin: Oh....what about our Toman Founder Group?

Kazutora: Oh, I don't know. That one is pretty exclusive.

Past Takemichi:

Past Takemichi: What part of no do you not understand?

Peh-yan: Everything!

Past Takemichi: *screams in frustration*

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Me and Tora made this friendship bracelets.

Draken: I'm not a jewelry person.

Kazutora: You don't have to wear it.

Chifuyu: No, we are gonna wear them forever. Back off.

Chapter Text

Baji, after a fire: Mikey? Are you alive?

Mikey: ...No...

Baji: Oh. I guess I'm not buying dinner.

Mikey: ....Wait...Maybe I'm a little bit alive

Chapter Text

Baji: You are like an angel with no wings.

Emma: So like a person.


Baji: I'm trying okay?

Emma: *patting his back* I know, love, I know.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Mochi: Have everyone stand.

Kisaki: *sighing* Bring three more chairs that should already be there.

Hanma: Have the best seven kids sit on them!

Izana: Kill three.

Chapter Text

Smiley: Who would you want to marry me, anyway?

Mucho: Beside the obvious reason?

Smiley: Yeah.

Mucho: So I can kiss you anytime I want.


Smiley: A valid reason.

Mucho: So?


Chapter Text

Emma: What is a queen without her king?

Angry: Well, historically, better.

Yuzuha: What is a Juliet without her Romeo?

Hakkai: Um ALIVE!?

Chapter Text

Draken: Why are you naked?

Mikey: I don't have any clothes.

Draken: *opens the closet* You have shirts, pants, jackets, hi Smiley, socks...

Chapter Text

Angry: What are you thankful for?

Smiley: Mucho's di-

Mucho, gives Smiley a death glare:

Smiley: -eeeeelightful personality!

Angry: You do realise that I'm not that innocent, right?

Smiley/Mucho: Of course you are!


Angry: *whispering* I've been married to Baji for five years and they still think that?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Hi, I'm Sano Shinichiro and you are?

Wakasa: Breathing, unfortunately.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: It's been, literally, 5 days since we meet.

Mikey: And I would die for you.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Do you know what I like about boys?

Mitsuya: *confused* No?

Yuzuha: Their girlfriends.


Mitsuya: Yeah, okay. That's valid.

Chapter Text

Draken's caller ID's

Mikey: Short emo lord

Takemichi: I think he needs therapy

Mitsuya: My co-parent

Kakuchou: Only emergencies co-parent

Pah-chin: Married man

Peh-yan: Bad loser at poker

Hakkai: Sinnamon roll for Mitsuya

Smiley: Just stop causing trouble

Angry: Blue Angel

Hina: Only normal of the group

Chifuyu: Just admit you are gay

Baji: Reason why Fuyu's gay

Emma: Love of my life

Mucho: Where the fuck are you

Sanzu: Mikey's simp

Senju: Michi's simp

Takeomi: Shin's simp

Shinichiro: Take care of your siblings

Izana: Do not contact

Kazutora: Pretty baby

Inui: Pretty bestfriend

Chapter Text

Draken: I have had enough! The next one to talk to me I will beat the shit out of you! Don't even think of appearing in front of me so soon!

*five minutes later in another room*

Draken, kissing their foreheads: Thank you for helping me clean the house and make dinner for those brats.

Angry: We are always happy to help you!

Mitsuya: It is part of my job but thanks for the kiss.

Kazutora: *blushing and murmuring* It's no problem

Takemichi: If you need anything else just ask!

Chapter Text

Mikey: *does something stupid*

Draken:I don't know him.

Mikey: He is lying. We are dating!

Chapter Text

Draken: Can you took me in?

Takemichi: ......You just handed me a shovel???

Draken: Yeah, just spread the dirt over me as evenly as you can, thanks.

Chapter Text

*at Kakuchou's funeral*

Draken: Can I have a moment alone with him?

Draken, to Kakuchou: Alright, listen fucker, I know you aren't actually dead 

Kakuchou: *opens a eye* No shit. I just want a fucking vacations and this is th only way to get it.


Draken: Yeah, okay, that's true.

Kakuchou: So fucking leave and let my funeral continue.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I'm so useless.

Draken: Nah, you are not.

Draken: You can be used as a bad example

Chapter Text

Mikey: Best Giraffriend♡

Takemichi: Don't die please♡

Mitsuya: My twin dragon

Kakuchou: Save me

Pah-chin: Dogwalker

Peh-yan: Cheater

Hakkai: Sometimes love rival

Smiley: Just watch and see

Angry: Draken-san

Hina: Almost hit me once

Chifuyu: Scary vice-commander

Baji: You made me gay 2

Emma: Crush who is blind♡

Mucho: I will miss you

Sanzu: Rival

Senju: His crush is dead

Takeomi: I forgot his name

Shinichiro: Future brother-in-law

Izana: You don't deserve Emma

Kazutora: Reason why I'm bi♡

Inui: Better bestfriend♡

Chapter Text

Kisaki: Why does Hanma look at me like that?






Kisaki: What?

Izana: Where do we begin?

Chapter Text

Akane: If you had to choose one of the other Toman's captains as your future husband, who would it be?

Hina: Mitsuya

Emma: Baji

Yuzuha: Pah-chin

Hanayome: Takemichi

Senju: Mikey


Emma: Why Mikey, Senju?

Senju: What do you think?

Akane: To make Sanzu-kun mad?

Senju: Of course!

Chapter Text

Naoto: *talking about everything that may have made Toman turn into a band of criminals*

Naoto: Did you understand, Takemichi?

Draken: I'm pretty sure the obvious reason is that Takemichi didn't marry one of us.

Mikey: *pouting* Takemitchy should have been mine.

Chifuyu: I thought it was because Mikey killed Kazutora.

Sanzu: *growling at Chifuyu* My king didn't do anything wrong

Smiley: Are you a dog or what?

Angry: *giving a bowl with ramen to Takemichi* And this is our new recipe

Takemichi: It is so good!


Naoto: How did you enter here?

Peh-yan: The door was open but also could you pass me that towel? Hakkai accidentally knocked a vase to the ground and the floor is wet.

Naoto: *screams in frustration*

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: If you had to rename yourself into something that defines you or your kife, what would be your new name?

Benkei: Confused For Life.

Takeomi: Crazy Siblings.

Wakasa: Dead Tired.

Mikey: Kill Me Please.

Emma: Look At Me Draken.

Izana: Mentally Fucked Up 1.

Kazutora: Mentally Fucked Up 2.

Baji: I Love My friends.


Izana: Well it looks like we are siblings now, 2.

Kazutora: I always wanted a older brother, 1.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Should I take off my glasses?

South: No, no. This isn't a eyes test it is a gay test.

Rindou: Oh, okay.

South:Now, number 1 *shows a picture of Senju* or number two *shows a picture of Takuya*

Rindou: Ah, number 1?

South: Ok, good.

South: Number 1 *shows a picture of Senju again* or number 2 *shows a picture of Kazutora*

Rindou: Oh my god...

South: *nodding his head* Number two, right?

Rindou: ...Maybe I am gay.

Chapter Text

Emma: If you had to date a boy, who would it be?

Baji:I would never date a boy!

*Draken enters with Mikey on his back*

Baji: Okay, maybe I would just maybe.

Chapter Text

Izana: Is everyone here?

Everyone: Yes!

Izana: Very well. Now lets start planning out to kidnap Kawata Souya also known as Angry.

Kisaki: Why are we going to kidnap him?

Kakuchou:Because he si the sweetest person we have ever met.

Hanma: After Valhalla vs Toman fight he helped my boys take me to the hospital.

Rindou: *with heart eyes* He is so pretty...

Ran: And as you can see Rindou is head over heels for him.

Mochi: Hopefully if we succeed no one tries to kill us.

Shion: Yeah

Sanzu: *nodding his head while texting Mikey how Tenjiku wants to kidnap Angry*

Mucho: *murmuring* Why do I feel like this will start a war?

Chapter Text

Luna: How much do you wanna bet that Chifuyu will ask Kazutora out in less than two weeks?

Mana: You are on! I bet a month.

Naoto: I bet three weeks and that Mikey-san will appear to give the shovel talk to Chifuyu.



Mana: Okay, let's write our bets down so we don't forget them.

*three weeks later*

Luna: *muttering while observing Mikey talking to Chifuyu with a sweet smile* Lucky bastard!

Mana: *pouting* I really wanted to win!

Naoto: *giving a high five to Takmeichi without them seeing* Better luck next time.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: *growling* If I hear the names Mikey and Takemichi again so soon I will punch whoever said their names.

Shinichiro: Hey Takeomi! Did you know Mikey-

Takeomi: *punches Shinichiro*

Takeomi: Fuck! Sorry Shinichiro!

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Shit! Hina is drunk.

Pah-chin: What is wrong with that?

Takemichi: She starts telling secrets when drunk.

Peh-yan: Like wh-

Hina: *completely drunk* Did you know that Angry is dating both Haitani siblings?

Smiley: *growling* Souya is what?!

Hina: Draken's in love with Inui and Inui with him.

Draken/Inui: *blush*

Hina: Takemichi once had a threesome with Mikey and Chifuyu.

Takemichi: *blushing* Hina!

Chifuyu: I won't deny or agree with what she said.

Hina: Koko is married to Shiba Taiju.

Yuzuha/Hakkai: Taiju is what?!

Hina: Takuya, Makoto, Yamagishi and Akkun have been dating since their second year of middle school.

Pah-chin: *surprised* I thought Makoto was straight

Hina: And Kazutora likes older men and has a crush on Wakasa.


Takemichi: I can understand that.

Senju: Same.

Angry: But of they were a couple they would be the prettiest couple of all

Inui: I have never seen to pretty possible boyfriends but I like it.

Kazutora: *Kazutora in a wedding dress with Waksa at his side* Should we tell them or let them be?

Wakasa: *filming everything* Let them be. It will be fun to show this video to them tomorrow

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: I need help!

Draken: What did Mikey do this time?

Kakuchou: It wasn't Mikey.

Draken: So why did you call me?

Kakuchou: Mochi just told me Sanzu is planning to kidnap Takemichi and give him to Mikey as a Christmas gift.


Draken: *sighs* I will tell Kazutora amd Chifuyu to keep a eye Takemichi is Sanzu really tries that.

Kakuchou: Thanks!

*one month later*


Sanzu: *giving a Takemichi and Kazutora with a ribbon to Mikey* Merry Christmas, Boss!!!

Kakuchou: *glaring at the ceiling* I give up!

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: No.

Smiley: But-

Kakuchou: No.

Ran: Come on, Kakuchou!

Kakuchou: Tha answer is still no!

Smiley: But we just want to slam their faces in their cake!

Kakuchou: I already said no!

Ran: Why?

Kakuchou: I won't let you ruin Izana and Angry's wedding because of you wanting to act as fucking children.

Chapter Text

Draken: Sorry, but my answer is still a no.

Senju: Why? I just want to be the one to wake beside Kazutora and give him all the love he needs!

Chapter Text

Senju: Fuck!

Takeomi:If this continues like this Mikey will end up accidentally killing one of them

Benkei: *looking at the ex-Toman members* How do we stop him?

Takemichi: Don't look at me! I still don't know how I'm still alive!

Draken: Do you really think I can do shit from an ambulance)

Mitsuya: *glaring at Draken* Don't even try to leave it!

Peh-yan: *looking at the centre of the battle where Mikey was* Hey, what is Wakasa-San doing?

Everyone: *looks in that direction*

Chifuyu: ...Is that Kazutora?

Hakkai: Yeah...

*meanwhile in the centre of the battle*

Kazutora: Mikey, please, stop!

Mikey: No! They wanted to kill Draken so they will be the ones to die!


Wakasa: Hey Kazutora, right?

Kazutora: *looks confused at the men* Yeah?

Wakasa: Once this is done do you want to marry me?



Any Gang Member Near Them:

Kazutora: *blushes* W-why?

Wakasa: You are pretty and seem to be sweet. Beside at least if I die I do it knowing I would have such a pretty future husband if I had survived which is a plus for me.


Kazutora: *mumbling embarrassed* O-okay

Mikey: *growling* No!

Mitsuya: Hey what's going on?

Mikey: *still growling* Unless you have a fucking ring with a jewel with Kazutora's eyes color and ask him on you knee you can't marry him.

Takeomi: *confused* What?

Kazutora: *even more red* M-mikey!

Wakasa: sighing and taking a beautiful ring with a jewel of Kazutora's eye color before getting in one knee in front of Kazutora* Hanemiya Kazutora, will you give me the great happiness of marrying you?

Kazutora: *who could be a tomato right know* Y-yes

Random person: *crying* This was so beautiful!

Other Person: *also crying* Can't wait to hear about them being the prettiest married couple in the news!

Mikey: You better take care of Tora or you are dead!

Wakasa: *picking Kazutora up* Of course. Now if you don't mind I will be leaving with my fiance.


Chapter Text

Takeomi: Someone give me a reason to be alive, please!

Benkei: Your siblings?

Takeomi: ...They are the reason why I'm like this.

Wakasa: Shinichiro is bisexual.



Takeomi: *getting up and leaving* Why didn't you say that early?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Hey, Inui!

Inui: Hmm?

Chifuyu:Who is your best friend?

Inui: *confused* Why do-

Takemichi: Is it Draken?

Chifuyu: Or Koko?

Hakkai: I thought it would be Mitsuya.

Takuya: Same.

Inui:Actually it is Kazutora.





Draken: Same.


Mitsuya: Tora's the best.

Smiley: Kazutora is almost everyone's best friend.

Hakkai: Almost?

Angry: He is dating Ran.

Takuya: Oh, right. I almost forgot that.

Chapter Text

*the four married couples observing Kazutora dancing with their other friends*

Emma: Why does he loo prettier than us?

Yuzuha:I know, right?

Hina: I feel so jealous!

Senju: It is our wedding but he looks so much more beautiful than us.




Mikey: I have to agree with them.

Mitsuya: I never thought he would really use a dress as Pah-chin dared him to.

Takemichi: *mumbling* This just proves I'm bi.

Draken: *whispering* Should have married both Emma and Tora.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Ne, Kenchin!

Draken: What?

Mikey: If I die will you marry Emma?

Draken: *distracted* Sure.

Mikey: Ok!

*ten years later Draken & Emma are getting married while Mikey watches from other country after faking his death*

Mikey:This was the best plan I ever had in my life.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: So that's how you ended up here?

Emma: Yep!

Shinichiro: Maybe I should have invested on Wakasa's idea of taking him and Mikey to therapy.

Izana: You should have.

Kisaki: We all should have invested on that.

Baji: Hate to agree with this bitch but he is right

Akane: Oh, looks that someone else is joining us

Emma/Baji: Draken!

Draken: Yo!

Chapter Text

Emma: *giving a short piece of paper to Takemichi* Takemichi, read this!

Takemichi: Okay?

Takemichi: Whoever sits in this chair will be my future husband/wife? 


Takemichi: ...Wait! What?

*while Takemichi processed what he heard there was a big fight happening about who would sit in the chair*

Hanma: *pointing to the chair in front of Takemichi* Hey is this chair being used?

Emma: *looking surprised* Ye-

Hanma: No? Good *sits in the chair and start eating popcorn while he watches the fight*




Takemichi: At least it is not Kisaki

Chapter Text

Angry: *tired after not sleeping well because of sounds coming from the room beside his* If Smiley brings Mucho one more time to our home I will pack my things and move in with Sanzu.

Hakkai: I'm sure that won't happen again so soon.

*Smiley and Mucho enter the house*



Hakkai: Do you want help to pack your things?

Angry: Yes, thank you.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: When I grow up I want to be a cat.

Mitsuya: Why?

Kazutora: So Kei can give me all his attention and I don't need to do much besides sleeping and eating for the rest of my life.


Mitsuya: Understable.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: So who won the bet?

Emma: *sad* Kisaki


Shinichiro: Who did he vote that Draken would marry?

Akane: Kawata Souya also known as Angry.

Shinichiro: But that isn't so bad, so why his Emma so depressed?

Baji: Draken was the one to confess after not even a month of noticing hsi feelings.

Shinichiro: Ahhhh, I see.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: My soulmate♡

Mitsuya: Idiot 2

Kakuchou: Suicidal Tinkerbell

Pah-chin: Miss you

Peh-yan: Emo Mikeu

Hakkai: Come back please

Smiley: Bratty Commander

Angry: Chaos Partner

Hina: I slap you once I will do it again

Chifuyu: Bitch who I miss

Baji: Best Bro

Emma: Mikey♡

Mucho: I will betray you

Sanzu: I love you

Senju: Haru's crush

Takeomi: Shin's baby brother

Shinichiro: Bratty brother

Izana: I hate you and I'm sorry

Kazutora: I still love you Jiro

Inui: Rival

Koko: Suicidal Boss

Ran: Suicidal Simp

Rindou: Give a hug everytime I see

Chapter Text

Mikey: Sorry my love♡

Mitsuya: Selfless Idiot

Kakuchou: Childhood friend♡

Pah-chin: Mikey's saviour

Peh-yan: Is he gay or not

Hakkai: Love you but burn your clothes

Smiley: Mikey's gay awakening

Angry: My friend♡

Hina: Future Husband

Chifuyu: Partner♡

Baji: Sano Takemitchy

Emma: Hina's boy♡

Mucho: Who are you

Sanzu: Bring Mikey back you bitch

Senju: I will marry you someday

Takeomi: Mini-Shin

Shinichiro: Maybe future brother-in-law

Izana: Kakuchou's crybaby hero

Kazutora: Cutie♡

Inui: Boss♡

Chapter Text

Mikey: Toman's fashion parent

Takemichi: Don't burn my clothes again please

Yuzuha: Just marry Hakkai please

Kakuchou: Save me 2

Pah-chin: Mitsubro

Peh-yan: Takabro

Hakkai: I wanna marry you

Smiley: I will do worse

Angry: Favorite captain♡

Hina: Need to go shopping with him again

Chifuyu: Worse than my mother

Baji: You made me gay 3

Emma: You will make my wedding dress

Mucho: Kakuchou would adore him

Sanzu: I like hsi fashion sense

Senju: Draken's pretty friend 1

Takeomi: Whose this

Shinichiro: I ship him with Tora

Izana: Ran slammed a brick in him

Kazutora: Best fashion designer♡

Inui: Stop being so pretty

Chapter Text

Baji: Don't correct me!

Chifuyu: Don't be wrong!

Chapter Text

Koko: People tell me it's wrong to choose to be gay

Koko: Being gay isn't a choice.

Koko: It's a game, and I'm winning. I mean, look at Inupi.

Chapter Text

Ran: I'm immune to mean and hurtful words because Rindou says nice things to me everyday and his love protects me.

Smiley: I'm immune to mean and hurtful words because Souya says mean things to me everyday, so I'm prepared.

*meanwhile in a tea shop*

Angry: I love Smiley but I will kill him someday if he doesn't learn how to clean the shit he does or if he doesn't stop bringing his one night stands to our house!

Rindou: Hmmm, I see. Thankfully Ran always tells me if he will be bringing someone home.

Angry: *muttering* Lucky you.

Rindou: Just call me or Ran next time he does that and you can pass the night at our home

Chapter Text

Mikey: *looks at Sanzu, Rindou & Ran*

Mikey: Tell me God what did I have done to deserve this

God: Do you want the long list or the short one?


Chapter Text

Kazutora: I like to pretend I'm emotionless but I have at least 200 mood swings a day.

Chapter Text

Draken: Someone has to go and stop Mikey from killing Takeomi after he finally asks Shinichiro out.



Baji: I vote we all look at Takemichi at the same time.


Takemichi: *smiling sweetly to Baji* I will make sure Tora knows he should make you sleep in the floor, Baji-san

Chapter Text

Hina: I'm a lesbiab-

Hina: Lesbiam-

Hina: LessBien-

Hina: *getting really mad at herself*

Hina: *screaming frustated* GIRLS!

Kazutora: *patting her head* It's okay, take your time.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Bonten's Mom

Takemichi: My first love♡

Mitsuya: Good luck Kakuchou

Pah-chin: Mikey's mom 3

Peh-yan: Send me more blackmail

Hakkai: Pretty eyes

Smiley: Like your style

Angry: Mother-in-law♡

Hina: Keep away from Michu

Chifuyu: I saw Michi simp for him once

Baji: Kurokawa Kakuchou

Emma: Best brother-in-law♡

Mucho: You deserved better

Sanzu: Still trying to kidnap Angry

Senju: Also lost his crush

Takeomi: Has a pretty cool scar

Shinichiro: Is he already married to Iza or not

Izana: My king♡

Kazutora: My bestfriend♡

Inui: Still updates me about Koko

Ran: Mom♡

Rindou: Best mom♡

Koko: Would sacrifice all my money for him♡

Mochi: Needs saving

Shion: I miss you mom♡

Chapter Text

Mikey: The true successful one

Takemichi: I adore your dog♡

Mitsuya: One less to take care

Kakuchou: Cute dog

Hanayome: My man♡

Peh-yan: Love you bro

Hakkai: Gives me Taka-chan's pictures

Smiley: Keep that thing you call dog away from me

Angry: Can I keep your dog

Hina: Hana's man♡

Chifuyu: Gives me Tora & Baji's pictures

Baji: Why do you need so many pictures of Tora

Emma: Give me more Draken pictures please

Mucho: Should have joined him on selling pictures

Sanzu: Good photographer

Senju: Call if I want more Michi's pictures

Takeomi: How does he have so many Shin's pictures

Shinichiro: The reason why I'm gay for Omi

Izana: Always asking for photos

Kazutora: He call me pretty but sells my photos

Inui: I may need more photos of a white haired Koko.

Ran: Partner in selling photos.

Rindou: Reason why I simp fro Angry

Chapter Text

Mikey: Good friend

Takemichi: He is cool♡

Mitsuya: Idiot 1

Kakuchou: The one who beat Shion

Pah-chin: My fav bro♡

Hakkai: Need to hang out more with him

Smiley: Good friend of Angry

Angry: Peh-yan♡

Hina: Don't help Michi with fashion please

Chifuyu: He was so badass

Baji: The other with a girlfriend

Emma: He is sweet when he wants

Mucho: Forgot his name

Sanzu: Third division vice-captain

Senju: Never met him actually

Takeomi: Another one I don't know

Shinichiro: Mikey's friend

Izana: Punched Shion once

Kazutora: Needs to calm down a bit

Inui: Peh-yan

Chapter Text

Emma, drunk: So like what's your backstory?

Koko, also drunk: Scoliosis

Emma: That's crazy I'm a libra

Chapter Text

Draken: I have no fears.

Inui: And what if I told Izana that you like his sister but you are making her suffer because you don't confess?


Draken: I have one fear

Chapter Text

Smiley: What did I tell you about comparing Izana to the devil?

Ran: That it is offensive to the devil.

Chapter Text

Hina: So I got this box, and we are going to put everything we love in it.

Chifuyu: *raises hand*

Hina: No we are not going to out Kazutora here.

Chifuyu: *puts his hand down*

Takemichi: *using his puppy eyes* But Hina...

Hina: I already  said no.

Chifuyu: *imitates Takemichi*


Hina: *sighs* Okay, but I won't be the one to tell him to go to the box.

Takemichi/Chifuyu: YAY!!!

Chapter Text

Yamagishi: How do you spell orange?

Baji: Like the fruit or color?


Chapter Text

Draken: Ride or die, right?

Sanzu: Sure, I'd totally ride you.


Draken: What?

Sanzu What?

Smiley: *mot too far from them* HE SAID HE WOULD TOTALLY RIDE YOU!

Chapter Text

Senju: When I was small-

Sanzu, laughing: 'Was'

Chapter Text

Mikey: Guys!

Mitsuya: What?

Mikey: If the last two people you messaged were your parents who would be yours? Mine are Takemitchy and Sanzu.

Draken: Wha the fuck, Mikey?

Mikey: Just answer!

Sanzu: ....Mine are Senju and Mucho.

Baji: My boyfriend and Tora.

Chifuyu: Baji and Kazutora

Kazutora: Thankfully mine aren't either of them.

Baji: Who is it?

Kazutora: Mitsuya and Smiley

Mitsuya: Mine would be Hakkai and Draken.

Angry/Hakkai: Same as Kazutora

Mikey: What about yours, Draken?

Draken: *sighing* Takemichi and Mikey

Takemichi: *arriving just now* Hey, guys, why is Emma crying?

Mikey: Emma? Why are you crying?

Emma: *crying* Mine would be Izana and Draken...

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Can I give you some advice, Mikey?

Mikey: Absolutely not.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: So you want me to read this outloud?

Hina: Yes!

Kazutora: Why?

Hina: Chaos and because I'm salty about Michi marrying Hanma.


Kazutora: *sighs* Okay

Hina: Yay!

Kazutora: Whoever sits in this chair will become my future husband/wife.

*and the chaos started with a gleeful Hina watching and Kazutora just done with everythinh*

Takemichi: *arriving with Hanma and Izana while no one besides Kazutora notices Izana sitting on the chair* What's going on?

Hina: The same that happened with you

Hanma: What the wedding chair?

Hina: Yep!

Hanma: Let's watch!






Izana: So what do you think of our honeymoon being in the Philippines?

Kazutora: If you don't mind if our wedding happens in a beach.


Izana: Sure. I will go buy the ring and you can enjoy them fighting.

Kazutora: See you later, Izana!

Chapter Text

Mucho: *showing a piece of paper to Angry* You just need to read this and wait for someone to win or someoen to finally sit on the chair, okay?

Angry: But won't Smiley be mad?

Mucho: I will take care of him. Don't worry.

Angry: Okay.

Mucho: Good, now read.

Angry: Whoever sits on this chair will become my future husband or wife!

*as expected the fight started really fast and the newly married couple were also watching this with Mucho and Angry*

Izana: Do you think this time someone really win the fight or it will be like the other two?

Takemichi: Who knows? But probably the same as the other two.

Angry: None of you luck unhappy so I probably won't be either

Kazutora: If they make you unhappy I will beat the shit out of them.

Hanma/Izana: And we will help

Mucho: It seems that two people are running from the fight to here.

Smiley: *just arriving What is going here?

*those watching froze except Mucho*

Mucho: We are seeing who is the strongest one to marry Angry.


Smiley: *smiling dangerously* Hopefully they are strong enough to not die when I beat the shit out of them.




Angry: *murmurung for the other two* I think I will become a widow even before I get married

*before anyone could say anything else two bodies collided with the chair(thankfully they didn't broke i) while cursing each other*

Sanzu: He is mine you, bitch!

Senju: Shut up! You don't deserve an angel like him!

Sanzu: And you do?

Senju: Yes!

Angry: Does that mean I will a wife and a husband?

Smiley: And they will always be fighting each other which takes care of me killing them.

Mucho: *whispering* Finally I will be free of Sanzu.

Chapter Text

South, just coming out of the water: So have been our kids?

Kakuchou, sunbathing with a drink in his hand: What do you think?

South: They will never change for sure.

Draken: Be lucky that Takemichi didn't join Mikey.

Kakuchou: At least Mikey wouldn't be always simping and pinning over him as much as he is.


Draken: True.

Mitsuya: Hey, Taiju!

Taiju: What?

Mitsuya: Thanks for paying for this vacations.

Kakuchou: And faking my death and funeral.

Draken: For contracting someone to help Inui while I'm here.

South: And for helping us.

Taiju: Your welcome. Now just enjoy this while you can.

Chapter Text

*at girls night with Kazutora, Angry, Chifuyu and Takemichi*

Yuzuha: Between all of the rich guys you know who would you marry?

Angry: Haitani Rindou.

Chifuyu: Haitani Ran.

Takemichi: Hitto Kakuchou.

Kazutora: Mochizuki Kanji.





Senju: I need to say that I would probably choose Kokonoi Hajime because he rocks that new hair.

Hina: I would go for Mikey despite everything.

Yuzuha: I would totally go for one of Senju's brothers.

Emma: Same!

*silence instals in the room*

Chifuyu: Why did we all go for the rich criminals?

Angry: Because a hero will sacrifice you for the world but a villain will sacrifice everything for you.


Chapter Text

Osanai: Put the name of everyone of your favorite gang in a wheel decide.

Emma: Done!

Koko: I feel like I probably forgot someone...

Angry: *whispering* Hopefully Smiley doesn't find about whish gang I choose.

Kazutora: Now what?

Yuzuha: Yeah!

Osanai: Now let it decide five of them for you and write it in order they are chosen.

Angry: And if our siblings is chosen at one of them?

Osanai: Just take your siblings from it.

Emma: Okay

*after five minutes*

Yuzuha: Done

Kazutora: Same.

Koko: And what are we doing with these name?

Emma: I'm also curious about that.

Osanai: The first one will be your first lover, the second one will guide you to your true love, the third one sees you as a sibling and will always protect you, the fourth one will break your heart and the last one will be your future husband/wife.

*silence instals himself in the room*

Osanai: Now let's see who are yours.

Emma: I didn't expect this *shows her paper*

'Smiley- First lover

Pah-chin- Will guide me to my true love

Mucho- Sees me as a sister and will always protect me

Peh-yan- Will break my heart

Sanzu- Will be my future lover'

Osanai: ...That's surprising.

Emma: *crying* I wanted Draken to appear at least once but not even does he sees me as a little sister!

Koko: I know this isn't the important thing but what would Peh-yan do thta would breka yoru heart?


Emma: *muttering* If he fucking marries Draken I will beat the shit of him

Osanai: Next one!

Yuzuha: Here is mine. And Emma please don't kill me!

'Kazutora- First lover

Pah-chin- Will guide me to my true love

Chifuyu- Sees me as a sister and will always protect me

Mikey- Will break my heart

Draken- Will be my future lover'


Emma: *starts crying again*

Yuzuha: Shh it's okay I will give him to you!

Emma: Really?

Yuzuha: Yeah!

Kazutora: Pah-chin does seem to like to guide people to their true love.

Angry: You are totally ignoring that you will be her first love?

Kazutora: I'm gay.

Koko: Understable.

Osanai: Show yours.

Koko: *sighs* Mochi one is right at least and Ran's makes sense too.

'Mucho- First lover

Ran- Will guide me to my true love

Izana- Sees me as a brother and will always protect me

Mochi- Will break my heart

Rindou- Will be my future lover'

Angry: Couldn't you chosen a better person as first lover? Smiley has a crush on him.

Koko: Yeah I thought the same but bleh.

Yuzuha: Why does yours make more sense than mine and Emma's?

Emma: What did Mochi do?

Koko: He dated Akane when she was alive and I was in love with her at the time.

Kazutora: Yeah, I think is better we continue.

Osanai: Agreed. Angry your time.

Angry: I'm not unhappy with my results.

'Rindou- First lover

Mochi- Will guide me to my true love

Izana- Sees me as a brother and will always protect me

Kisaki- Will break my heart

Ran- Will be my future lover'

Kazutora: For a second I thought Kisaki would be your future husband.

Angry: I was actually lucky on that one.

Emma: I'm feeling jealous because Izana sees you as his brothers but he hasn't contacted me in years.

Koko: Don't worry I will tell Kakuchou and he will do something about it.

Yuzuha: Now is your turn, Kazutora!

Kazutora: Kinda like mine even if I would have prefered either Draken or Wakasa as my future husband I'm happy with Benkei

'Takemichi- First lover

Senju- Will guide me to my true love

Draken- Sees me as a brother and will always protect me

Takeomi- Will break my heart

Benkei- Will be my future lover'

Emma: *whispering* At least he only sees you as brother.

Yuzuha: I so wanted Takemichi appeared at leats once on mine and here he appears on yours!

Koko: Did Takeomi break your heart in revenge for killing his only crush?

Osanai: Or Kazutora may have fallen for him and they tried to date but Takeomi couldn't move on from his dead lover.

Kazutora: My heart as been broken so many times that one more won't hurt


Angry: Do you wnat a hug?

Kazutora: *sighing* If you don't mind

Chapter Text

Hina: I wish I had the ability to make boys really nervous.

Yuzuha: Holding a really sharp knife to their neck usually does work for me

Chapter Text

Mochi: Hey, do you have a bag I could borrow?

Mikey: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they are specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.

Mochi: Literally, all you had to say was no.

Chapter Text

Hanma: Rules are made to be broken.

Kisaki: Rules are made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

Izana: Uh, piñatas.

Shion: Glow sticks.

Rindou: Karate boards.

Mucho: Spaghetti in a small pot.

Hanma: Rules.

Chapter Text

Koko, opening the door: Hi.

Taiju: Love is dead and never existed. All he did his betray me as I lay sick and festering. He is the definition of dread.

Koko: Are...Are you okay?

Taiju: No, Mitsuya's little sisters stole my black card.


Koko: I understand you. Takemichi stole mine too.

Chapter Text

Izana, angrily: ARE YOU-

Angry: Fucking.


Angry: Fucking.

Izana: IDIOT-

Kisaki: ...What was that?

Angry: Kakuchou banned Izana from swearing, so I've volunteered to help him out.

Chapter Text

Wakasa: I want to be a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep a lot. Wake up beautiful.

Senju: You know caterpillars have a lifespan of about a week, right?

Wakasa: Yet another highlight!

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: *choking*

Rindou: I'm trying to call 911 but the 9 button isn't working!

Shion: Just turn your phone upside down and the 6.

Kakuchou, stopping her choking for a second: What the he-

Chapter Text

Senju: Sanzu 'Loyal Mad Dog' Haruchiyo is seriously the biggest jerk on the face of earth.

Someone: How do you know that?

Senju: Oh, he is one of my older brothers.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: Okay, you are driving, and Smiley and Angry walk onto the road. Quik! What do you hit?

Izana: Oh, definitely Smiley. I could never hurt Angry.

Kakuchou, sighing: The brakes, Izana, you hit the brakes!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya, angry: Were you dropped on your head as a child?

Kazutora: Bold of you to assume I was ever held.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: You know what? Underneath it all, you are actually quite nice.

Taiju: Repeat that disgusting slander again, and you will be hearing from my lawyers.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Takeomi sneezed earlier and I accidentally said 'shut the fuck up' instead of 'bless you'.

Senju: How do you accidentally say 'shut the fuck up'?

Chapter Text

Mikey: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of Takemitchy's parents?

Emma: You don't need any help from me to do that.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Don't you think we went overboard with the decorations?

Baji: Nah, it looks cool.

Kazutora: I think the backyard is on fire.

Baji: Aesthetic.

Chapter Text

Mochi: You remind me of the ocean.

Izana: Because I'm deep and mysterious?

Mochi: Because you are salty and scare people.

Chapter Text

Shion: I've changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'.

South: Why...?

Shion: So if I forget it then my devices will remind me 'your password is incorrect'.

South: That's the most genius piece of idiocy that I've ever heard.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Alright, let's go over this again.

Takemichi: If somethings breaks?

Kazutora: We try and fix it before Draken or Mitsuya come.

Chifuyu: And if that doesn't work?

Kazutora: We blame Baji.

Baji: Seriously? I hate you guys.

Takemichi: We love you too.

Chapter Text

Baji: That was pretty badass, Takemichi. Until it wasn't.

Chapter Text

Mikey: It costs $100 to go see a therapist. However, it costs $0 to tell myself 'it really do be like that sometimes'.

Takemichi: Mikey no.

Chapter Text

Baji: From now on we will be using code names.

Baji: You can address me as Eagle One.

Baji: Mikey is “been there done that”.

Baji: Kazutora is “currently doing that”.

Baji: Mitsuya and Draken is “it happened once in a dream 1 & 2”.

Baji: Emma is “if I had to pick a dude/gal/enby”.

Baji: And Pah-chin is..

Baji: Eagle Two

Pah-chin: Oh thank god.

Chapter Text

Angry: Name a way to be nice to others.

Smiley: Don't kill them.


Angry: Setting the bar a little low, but I will allow it.

Chapter Text

Emma: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. It's because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.

Shinichiro: Ridiculous. Give me and example of this.

Emma: Spiders.

Mikey: Wasps.

Izana: Mikey.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Are you alright? You didn't sleep at all last night.

Baji: I got a solid eight minutes.

Baji: Not consecutively, but it's fine. You're not even that blurry.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: So, what do you want for your birthday?

Mikey: A bird.

Shinichiro: But I can't-

Mikey: I Said I Want A Bird.

Chapter Text

Taiju: I only feel one emotion and it is anger.

Koko: Last night you drunk texted everyone of us a thousand heart emojis.

Taiju: Out of anger.

Chapter Text

Baji: It's times like this when I wish I had listened to what my mother told me.

Chome: Why, what did she tell you?

Baji: I don't know, I didn't listen.

Chapter Text

Senju: *high on Sanzu's pills*

Takeomi: How high are you right now?

Senju: How what?

Takeomi: High.

Senju: Hello.

Chapter Text

Mikey: *sighs* No one really loves me.

Sanzu/Takemichi: Are you sure?

Mikey: Yeah.

Sanzu/Takemichi, aggressively pointing at themselves: ARE YOU REALLY SURE ABOUT THAT?

Chapter Text

Izana: I found two puppies and I'm gonna name them after Emma and Mikey.

Mochi: That's...Actually nice....I think

Izana: They are named Tasteless and Little Bitch.

Kakuchou: There it is-

Chapter Text

Emma: Treat spiders as you want to be treated.



Kazutora/Mikey: Killed without thinking twice.

Emma; NO!

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: *throws a ball at Hanma*

Chifuyu: okay, now throw it back.

Hanma: *throws ir back*

Chifuyu: I MEANT THE BALL!!!

Takemichi: But you have to admit that he got the moves.

Kisaki: Sadly I have to agree with Hanagaki.


Chifuyu: I give up on you guys.

Chapter Text

Draken: You must be tired.

Mikey: No, I'm good. Refreshed and ready to fight anyone who thinks that can win against Toman.

Draken: I was talking to Takemichi:

Mikey: Well, I was talking to Kazutora.

*close to them but still far Takemichi and Kazutora observe them*

Takemichi: Are they always like this?

Kazutora: Yep.

Takemichi: And does Mikey realise you are one of those enemies?

Kazutora: Probably not.


Kazutora: Wanna go and get something eat?

Takemichi: Sure.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: You are my hero!

Sanzu: All I did was catch your plate of chicken nuggets before thye fell in the floor.

Kazutora: But you did it heroically!

Mikey: *looking at them increduliously with Takemichi* Can you shut up? We are trying to have a moment here!

Sanzu/Kazutora: *look at each otehr and then at the other two* Yeah, okay.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: This is the prime of my life. I'm young, hot and full of.....

Mikey: Poor life choices.

Kazutora: I don't want to be alive.

Izana: Each day I make things worse.

Wakasa: I'm dead inside.

Takemichi: I just saw someone die.

Draken: Getting stabbed.

Kisaki: Maniulating things.

Koko: Not knowing what I'm doing.

Sanzu: Drugs and killing.


Senju: ...Stripers in my bed.

Chapter Text

Angry: *carrying all the suplies in both arms*

Izana: *reaches out to help him*

Angry: *switches all the suplies to one arm to hold Izana's hand*

Izana: That's not what I-....Okay

Mochi/ Kakuchou: *right behind them* This is so adorable.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Gay for Mitsuya

Takemichi: Leave my clothes alone♡

Mitsuya: My baby♡

Kakuchou: Mitsuya's wife

Pah-chin: Mitsuya's No.1 fan

Peh-yan: Mitsuya's simp

Yuzuha: Gay little brother♡

Smiley: Just confess already

Angry: Matching piercings♡

Hina: He is a total simp

Chifuyu: My simp partner

Baji: I'm pretty sure you gay

Emma: Mitsuya's lover

Mucho: Just another simp

Sanzu: We simp together

Senju: Isn't he the wife of Mitsuya

Takeomi: Pretty sure I saw him once

Shinichiro: Mitsuya's boy

Izana: I like your hairstyle

Kazutora: Adorable simp

Inui: Kinda cute

Taiju: One of my gays 1

Chapter Text

Mikey: Evil twin

Takemichi: Your smile scares me

Mitsuya: Stop breaking things

Kakuchou: Your not my kid thankfully

Pah-chin: Cool but scary

Peh-yan: One of the best captains

Hakkai: Angry's brother

Angry: Nahoya♡

Hina: Too chaotic twin

Chifuyu: Stop teasing me

Baji: The worse twin

Emma: Angry's violent brother

Mucho: Love of my life that I betrayed

Sanzu: Mucho loves you

Senju: The violent one

Takeomi: His smile gives bad vibes

Shinichiro: Does he ever open his eyes

Izana: I think Mucho likes him

Kazutora: Angel's twin

Inui: Good chef but stay away

Rindou: Scary brother-in-law

Ran: Will probably kill Rin

Chapter Text

Mikey: Any questions?

Takemichi: Yes, did you miss us?

Takemichi: Quick follow-up: Did you ever look up at the moon and wonder if any of us was looking at it too?


Mikey: Yes.

Takemichi: Knew it!

Chapter Text

Emma: *looks sad*

Draken: Raise your head, my queen, your crown is falling.

Emma: *blushes*

Chapter Text

Ran: Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!

Smiley: Ran.


Ran: We are breaking up.


Smiley: I was just kidding, my love.

Ran: Should have remembered that before doing what you did.

*not too far from them*

Angry: Well it seems like your brother is single now.

Rindou: Yep.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: It's cool that you know how to fight, partner.

Takemichi: Well I mean, I grew up with those for idiots *pointing to Takuya, Akkun, Yamagishi & Makoto*

Chifuyu, disbelieving: They taught you how to fight?

Takemichi, not even looking up from the manga Chifuyu let him borrow: No, Makoto and Yamagishi thought it would be cool to do the naruto run in school cafeteria. Clearly someone had to protect them.

Chapter Text

Koko: Looking good, Akashi.

Sanzu: We have been married for over six years. Why are you calling me by my last name?

Koko: I was talking to myself.

Chapter Text

Mikey, to Takemichi: Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to naruto run past you again?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: Kazutora is my bf.

Baji: Bestfriend or boyfriend?

Chifuyu: Yes.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: You either buckle down and go to school or you will end up at McDonald's.

Mikey: We going to McDonald's if I don't go to school?!

Mitsuya: NO!

Chapter Text

Mikey: She is so cool♡

Takemichi: I want a sister like ker♡

Mitsuya: Yuzu♡

Kakuchou: Do you wanna be my kid

Pah-chin: She is grace

Peh-yan: She is beauty

Hakkai: Pretty sister♡

Smiley: She will kick you in the face

Angry: Yuzu-nee♡

Hina: I wanna be her when I grow up

Chifuyu: Pretty but scary

Baji: Almost made me bi

Emma: My idol♡

Mucho: Should have joined Tenjiku

Sanzu: Sister-in-law♡

Senju: She made me lesbian♡

Takeomi: Senju's crush

Shinichiro: She is a goddess

Izana: Kinda badass

Kazutora: I adore her♡

Inui: Badass girl♡

Taiju: One of my gays 2

Chapter Text

Mikey: Chaos Partner♡

Takemichi: So cute♡

Mitsuya: My fav child♡

Kakuchou: Son-in-law♡♡♡

Pah-chin: He is too cute

Peh-yan: Cutie pie

Hakkai: Best friend♡

Smiley: Souya♡

Rindou: My husband♡

Hina: Adorable baby♡

Chifuyu: Stop being cute

Baji: Haitani Souya♡

Emma: Sweetheart♡

Mucho: Ex brother-in-law♡

Sanzu: Everyone wants to kidnap him

Senju: Can we adopt him♡

Takeomi: He should be an Akashi

Shinichiro: Toman's baby

Izana: My son♡

Kazutora: Pretty baby♡

Inui: Too adorable for this world♡

Ran: You are too good for Rin♡

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I was looking in the mirror and I'm feeling kinda unattractive, could you compliment me to make me feel better?

Mikey: You have great sight.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: *screams*

Hina: WHAT?!

Takemichi: Something just brushed my left leg!

Hina: What was it?!

Takemichi: ...Oh, no. It's okay, it was just Mikey.





Mikey: Yoh!

Hina/Takemichi: MIKEY?!

Chapter Text

*Tenjiku having dinner*

Shion: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so is baby oil-?

Kakuchou: Can't we just have a nice dinner for once?

Chapter Text

Therapist: What do we say when things so wrong?

Izana: Don't be sad because sad spelled backwards is das. and das not good.

Therapist, writing in a notebook: That's brilliant! Can I use that?

Chapter Text

Senju: *leaning into Sanzu* Haruchiyo has no idea I'm high on his pills right now.

Sanzu: You're high on my pills, Senju?!

Senju: Oops, sorry.

Senju: *leaning into a very amused Takeomi* Haruchiyo has no idea I'm high on his pills right now.

Chapter Text

Izana, to Kakuchou: I kinda need a hug but I'd rather Die than let anyone know I'm a human being that desperately needs intimacy:

Chapter Text

Senju: I've never had a real friend before.

Angry: I can be your friend!.


Senju: I've also never had a boyfriend before.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: Bro, send dudes!

Emma: Don't you mean nudes?

Yuzuha: No, I'm in a fight. I need men.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Draken is on a Holiday with Takemitchy and Emma so I'm gonna cut all the sleeves of my shirts.

Baji: Why?

Mikey: They are like my 95% of my impulse control.

Chapter Text

*at a restaurant*

South: Are you single?

Shion, blushing: Yes, I am.

South: *takes away the extra chair in front of him*

South: Thanks.

Chapter Text

Hakkai: What if our phobias are just how we died in our past life?


Chapter Text

*in a plane*

Baji, to Akane: Would you like a drink?

Akane: What are my options?

Baji: Yes or no.

Chapter Text

Rindou, looking at Ran and Kakuchou: Love is in the air.

South: *spraying a can of of roach repellent on them while holding his nose* Not anymore.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: I started this semester with straight A's.

Chifuyu, looking at Baji and Kazutora: Now, I'm not even straight.

Chapter Text

Koko: They were kissing.

Inui: Are you 1000% sure they were kissing?

Koko: Either that or Akane was trying to suck the teeth out of Mochi's mouth...

Chapter Text

Mikey: The first one to reply is gay!

Kazutora: I know.





Mikey: Really? Who is you crush?

Kazutora: Inui Seishu. He is too pretty and nice for me not to fall for him.

Mikey: Need to agree but I prefer Takemitchy.

Kazutora: We all know since you don't hide your favoritism for him.

Mikey: True.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Bitch who took my Michi♡

Takemichi: My lovely fiance♡

Mitsuya: Luna & Mana adore her

Kakuchou: Michi is too much for you

Pah-chin: She slapped Mikey

Peh-yan: She has guts for sure

Hakkai: Takemichi's girl

Smiley: Our hair is a similar shade

Angry: She is nice♡

Naoto: Stop dying please♡

Chifuyu: Accidentally started everything

Baji: Sano Hinata

Emma: Bestfriend♡

Mucho: Never saw her

Sanzu: Make sure your boy is away from Mikey

Senju: Takemichi will be mine♡

Takeomi: Sorry for Senju

Shinichiro: Emma's first girl friend♡

Izana: Emma likes her but Kakuchou doesn't

Kazutora: My girl♡

Inui: Michi's girlfriend

Yuzuha: Lucky for having Michi

Chapter Text

Mikey: Baji's boyfriend(?)

Takemichi: Partner♡

Mitsuya: Takes too much from Baji

Kakuchou: Like your style in the future

Pah-chin: Gets girls but is gay

Peh-yan: Gay for his captain

Hakkai: Baji's simp♡

Smiley: Is in love with Baji

Angry: Fuyu♡

Hina: Michi's platonic partner

Baji: Love you bitch♡

Emma: Baji is not enough for you

Mucho: Makes Pah-chin rich in one day

Sanzu: Another simp friend♡

Senju: Another one who lost his crush

Takeomi: He is pretty 

Shinichiro: Baji likes him

Izana: Kakuchou defeated him

Kazutora: My bae♡

Inui: Stop being pretty too

Chapter Text

Mikey: Why did you leave♡

Takemichi: Don't make them cry again♡

Mitsuya: Idiot♡

Kakuchou: I love his hair

Pah-chin: Bastard♡

Peh-yan: Coolest captain

Hakkai: He is scary

Smiley: My idol

Angry: Kei-san♡

Hina: Tora loved him♡

Chifuyu: Love you bitch♡

Emma: Miss you♡

Mucho: Baji

Sanzu: 1st Division captain

Senju: His hair looks so well taken

Takeomi: Shinichiro adored him

Shinichiro: My other little brother

Izana: Not bad for a Toman's captain

Kazutora: You are my everything♡

Inui: They all miss you

Chapter Text

Senju, about Sanzu: He is my brother.

Takemichi: He killed 84 people in two hours.

Senju: I'm adopted!

Chapter Text

Izana: *whispering to Mikey* I hate you.

Mikey: *whispering* You will get over it.

Chapter Text

*1st account*

Koko: Pays for it.

Takemichi & Inui: Free pass

Tenjiku: Parasites

Akane: Why will ignore how she has access to it form heaven

*2nd account*

Taiju: Pays for it

Hakkai & Yuzuha: Free pass

Black Dragons & Toman: Parasites

Chapter Text

Izana: I don't like you.

Kazutora: Then let go of my hand.

Izana, holding his hand tighter: NO!

Chapter Text

Senju: *flirting with Takemichi*

Hina: *staring at them silently with Mikey*

Chifuyu: You and Mikey are really quite today.

Hina: Oh, that's because no one-

Mikey: -Plans a murder out loud.

Chapter Text

Hanma: What are you two fighting about?

Chome: He keeps using phrases wrong!

Baji: Oh, cry me a table!

Chapter Text

Random Girl: So would you like to go see that new movie that recently came out with me?

Smiley: *shows middle finger* I'm not interested in being polite or heterosexual

Chapter Text

Koko: Whoever makes Mikey falls asleep wins a full month of paid vacation.

Kakuchou, holding a frying pan: Got it, where is he?

Chapter Text

Mikey:I hate it when people tell to talk about myself.

Mikey: Like do you want to know my favourite color or what is my trauma?

Chapter Text

Senju: Hey, Inui, do you want me to do a tarot card reading for you?

Inui: Oh, sure!

Senju: *laya down cards* Alright! This one tells me you are a precious angel, this one says your smile is heavenly, and-

Inui: Senju, this aren't even tarot cards, they are just pictures of me...

Chapter Text

Shion: Your otp from the last show/anime/movie you watched are your parents, who are yours? Mine are Tony Stark and Loki.

Kakuchou: *sighs* Korra and Asami.

Kisaki: I don't see the logic to this but mine are Shigaraki Tomura and Dabi.

Hanma: Oh oh, mine are Prince Kanata and Haruno Haruka!

Mochi: I think the last movie I saw was Harry Potter so Marcus Flint and Percy Weasley.

Ran: The anime still breaks my heart but my parents are Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji.

Rindou: That's easy. Mine are Yurio and Otabek

Shion: Mucho?

Mucho: I was just rewatching Prince of Tennis so my parents would be Akutagawa Jirou and Echizen Ryoma.

Kakuchou: And your, Izana?

Izana: Chishiya Shuntaro and Niragi Suguru from Alice in Borderlan.



Shion: *whispering* I'm not even surprised that he chose a mentally unstable character and shipped him with someone who tried to kill him

Chapter Text

Mikey: Best Sister♡

Takemichi: You deserve the world♡

Mitsuya: Mikey's little sister

Kakuchou: Sister-in-law♡

Pah-chin: Draken's girl

Peh-yan: Draken's woman

Hakkai: She is amazing

Smiley: Emma

Angry: Emma♡

Hina: My bestfriend♡

Chifuyu: Baji adores her

Baji: Little sister♡

Mucho: Sano Emma

Sanzu: Draken should ask her out already

Senju: Draken's crush

Takeomi: Shin's little sister

Shinichiro: Baby sister♡

Izana: I'm sorry & you deserved better♡

Kazutora: Shopping friend♡

Inui: Draken still dreams about you

Chapter Text

Mikey: I trusted you

Takemichi: Why did you betray us

Mitsuya: Despite everything I miss you

Kakuchou: Calmest kid♡

Pah-chin: Fucking traitor

Peh-yan: Traitor 

Hakkai: Come back

Smiley: I loved you

Angry: Nahoya misses you

Hina: I don't know him

Chifuyu: Fucking bastard

Baji: I shouldn't have trusted you

Emma: You were important to them

Sanzu: I fucking hate you

Senju: Haru liked him

Takeomi: He hurt my little brother

Shinichiro: I don't even know you

Izana: Thanks for staying with me

Kazutora: He was loyal just not to Mikey

Inui: You hurt them more than you think

Chapter Text

Mikey: Thank you for everything♡

Takemichi: You were always there for him♡

Mitsuya: Psychopathic but calm child

Kakuchou: You are cute♡

Pah-chin: He is so fuvking scary

Peh-yan: He scares me

Hakkai: Why do I have his number

Smiley: Mucho's friend

Angry: Love you♡

Hina: I love his hair

Chifuyu: He is pretty

Baji: I once had a crush on him

Emma: Give me your skin care routine

Mucho: Little brother♡

Senju: I still love you♡

Takeomi: Sorry for not being there♡

Shinichiro: Omi's little brother♡

Izana: Stay with Mikey always

Kazutora: You are enough♡

Inui: Stop being pretty 3

Ran: He is chaos♡

Rindou: I adore this bitch♡

Mochi: Pretty bitch

Chapter Text

Baji, raising a fluffy poodle above his head: I'm gonna name you simba!

Chifuyu: No, we've got enough simbas stop.

Baji: What d'you mean?

Chifuyu: Kazutora tell him I'm too tired for this.

Kazutora: Baji, we've got simba, simba 2.0, simba 3.0, simba the fish, simba but the 'b' is silent, simba but the 'imba' is silent, simba the eats-my-yakisoba, simba the legendary can-and-will-dominate-humanity-with-killer-scratches, simba 3.1, and etc.

Baji: Ok I get it but this one's gonna have a UNIQUE name, emphasis on unique in case I didn't emphasize it enough.

Kazutora: Yeah, I'd like to see that happen...



Kazutora: Smb?

Chifuyu: No.

Kazutora: Wait but it's different from the others.

Chifuyu: NO

Chifuyu: *calls draken* You know I'm actually considering your offer about me getting therapy.

Chapter Text

Mikey: Michi is mine

Takemichi: Sen♡

Mitsuya: Do you want to be my model

Kakuchou: San's pretty sister

Pah-chin: Another Michi's simp

Peh-yan: I have too many simps here

Hakkai: She is badass as Yuzuha

Smiley: Angry's first girl friend

Angry: My pretty friend♡

Hina: Don't get near my men

Chifuyu: Another one who wants to steal Michi

Baji: Shiba Senju

Emma: I think Yuzu is gay for her

Mucho: Sanzu's not sister

Sanzu: You deserve better than me

Takeomi: Little sister♡

Shinichiro: Omi's cute sister

Izana: Badass gang leader

Kazutora: Favorite Akashi♡

Inui: Another pretty one

Benkei: She is too chaotic

Wakasa: Just ask that girl out

Yuzuha: My girl♡

Chapter Text

Mikey: My advisor♡

Takemichi: His hairstyle has been too used

Mitsuya: Good luck with Mikey♡

Kakuchou: Not the best co-parent

Pah-chin: Important client

Peh-yan: What is also with scars

Hakkai: I'm pretty sure I saw Mikey curse him once

Smiley: Seems cool

Angry: Updates me on Haru♡

Hina: Keep you sister away from Michi

Chifuyu: He looks cool

Baji: Sano Takeomi

Emma: Shin's crush

Mucho: San's not brother

Sanzu: You left me bastard

Senju: Omi♡

Shinichiro: I love you♡

Izana: Stay way from Shin

Kazutora: He isn't that bad

Inui: His scar looks cool

Benkei: My bestfriend♡

Wakasa: One of my idiots

Chapter Text

*at Baji's 26 birthday party*

Mikey, to Kazutora: To this day I still can't believe how he left us so soon, Keisuke would have been 26 today.

Baji: *groaning* For fuck sakes Mikey stop with that.

Kazutora: I understand you. Sometimes I can still hear him despite him not being here with us anymore.

Baji: Really, Tora?

Chifuyu: *laughing* Oh my god.

Mikey: Maybe he is telling us to move on from him.

Baji: *growling and glaring at Mikey* Bitch don't you there say what you will say!

Emma: *giggling* This is better than any dorama or book.

Shion: *laughing* Agreed!

Mikey: *getting on his knee with a donut in his hand* So Hanemiya Kazutora would you give me the pleasure of becoming my husband?

Baji: I'm so gonna kill you!

Kazutora: *faking surprise and tears* It would be a pleasure to marry you since I can't marry a ghost.

Baji: *growling* That's it!

Baji: *jumps at Mikey and Kazutora and starts tickling them*

Hanma: *laughing* Let's join them too!

Everyone: *jumps on the three of them and starts ticking each other*

Baji's Mom: *smiling* It's good to see them this happy.

Chapter Text

Izana and Mikey: *punching and kicking each other*

Emma: Can I get a waffle...Can I please get a waffle...

*three hours later*

Kazutora: So that is why you came to Baji's house?

Emma: *sighing happily while eating her so desired waffles* Yes.

Kazutora: Understable. I hope you enjoy them it was my first time making them.

Emma: *stops eating and looks at Kazutora with stars in her eyes* Marry me and Draken!

Kazutora, choking in his hot chocolate: WHAT?!

Baji's mom, from another room: HE ACCEPTS!

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: What do you think I should get my siblings and their friends for christmas?

Takeomi: If you are not sure give them money and they can buy whatever they want.

Benkei: Food? Nothing can go wrong with food, I think.

Wakasa: Therapy.




Wakasa: What? Some of them really need it.

Chapter Text

Mikey: My brother♡

Takemichi: Mikey's brother♡

Mitsuya: He was a bit strange

Kakuchou: Brother-in-law♡

Pah-chin: Best brother♡

Peh-yan: Pah talks highly of him

Hakkai: He seemed cool

Smiley: Bad hair when younger

Angry: Kaku's brother-in-law♡

Hina: Emma misses him a lot

Chifuyu: Baji mentioned him twice

Baji: Sorry for what I did♡

Emma: I want you back♡

Mucho: Sano Shinichiro

Sanzu: Could be brother-in-law

Senju: Omi's crush

Takeomi: Honey♡

Izana: Thanks for everything♡

Kazutora: I'm so sorry♡

Inui: I miss you Shin♡

Koko: Inupi considered him as a brother

Benkei: You are the only one missing♡

Wakasa: I miss you idiot♡

Chapter Text

Mikey: I forgive you♡

Takemichi: You are important to Emma & Mikey

Mitsuya: Emma's older brother

Kakuchou: My king♡

Pah-chin: Mikey's brother I think

Peh-yan: Is Takuya also your sibling

Hakkai: Your family tree confuses me

Smiley: I want to beat you

Angry: Father-in-law♡

Hina: Keep Kakuchou away from Michi

Chifuyu: Is he a Sano or not

Baji: Hitto Izana

Emma: Love you big brother♡

Sanzu: Feel you on the siblings part

Senju: He remind me of Haru

Takeomi: Shin's other brother

Shinichiro: Izana♡

Mochi: Best boss♡

Kazutora: He is handsome♡

Inui: Koko choose you above me

Shion: Come back father♡

Ran: Thank you♡

Rindou: I will always miss you♡

Koko: I hope you will be happier in another life♡

Chapter Text

Hina: How are you the cutest, sweetest husband in the world?

Takemichi: You want something. What do you want?

Hina: Can Kazutora come over for a sleepover tonight?

Takemichi: Again?

Hina: Please?

Takemichi: It's the third time this week!

Hina: Pretty please?

Takemichi:*groaning* You are lucky I love you and adore Kazutora.

Hina: YAY!!!

Chapter Text

Hanma: *to all the members of Valhalla* Alright listen up, you little shits!

Hanma: Not you, Kazutora, you are an angel and I'm thrilled that you are here.

*silence fills the room*

Baji: I can't even feel offended with that.

Everyone, but Kazutora: *agrees*


Kazutora: I fucking killed a men, accidentally, but I did! Where the fuck did you guys get that I'm an angel?

Chapter Text

Mikey: Give me a good reason to not kill Hanemiya Kazutora right now.

Takemichi: He wouldn't look as good in a prisoner outfit as he would a wedding dress.


Baji, choking on his blood: WHAT THE FUCK!?

Mikey: *nodding* True, especially if he becomes my bride.

Kazutora: *blushes while confusedP


Chapter Text

Shion: South, wake up!

South: I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave flowers and get out.

Chapter Text

Akkun: If you got the ability to tell the one you love one thing without feeling embarassed or regret for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Takemichi: Please stop dying or wishing for it! I don't know how many times I can time travel until I can't do it anymore!

Emma: Are you fucking blind? At least tell me you don't feel the same or that you are waiting for something! Sometimes I wish I had fallen for someone else.

Kazutora: You are a fucking asshole, Baji! You promised that you would date me once I was out but you are with your vice-captain and totally forgot that promise. I hate you!

Hanma: I really love you but I hate that I will never be the one to own your heart.


Akkun: Do you want some tea and cuddles? I can call Makoto, Takuya and Yamagishi to help.

Takemichi/Emma/Kazutora/Hanma: *with tears forming in their eyes* Please!

Chapter Text

Izana: Today is a great day.

Mikey: Hi!

Izana: My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined.

Chapter Text

Rindou: Kakuchou! There is a monster under my bed!

Ran, in the bed below Rindou: *pouting* What did I do to you?

Chapter Text

Kidnapper: We have your son.

Draken: I don't have son...

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for strawberry milk and made us cut off the crust of his sandwich??




Mikey: *whispering* Isn't it Kazutora the only one who likes strawberry milk?

Baji: Shit! They have Tora!

Chapter Text

Mikey: I hate you with every inch of my body.


Izana: That's not a lot of inches.

Chapter Text

Mikey: I found Michi first

Takemichi: Inupi♡

Mitsuya: Let me design clothes for you

Kakuchou: Koko's boys

Pah-chin: He is cool & pretty

Peh-yan: Another pretty boy

Hakkai: He is the best♡

Smiley: Kokonoi Seishu

Angry: Sei-kun♡

Hina: Michi is mine♡

Chifuyu: Another Michi's simp

Baji: Shin's friend

Emma: He is so pretty♡

Mucho: Koko loves you

Sanzu: Koko is gay for you

Senju: Draken has so many pretty friends

Takeomi: Shin adored him

Shinichiro: Pretty adoptive brother

Izana: Should marry Koko

Kazutora: Pretty♡

Akane: My lil'bro♡

Koko: I will always love you Sei

Chapter Text

Mikey: I still love you♡

Takemichi: You are the best♡

Mitsuya: You are perfect as you are♡

Kakuchou: My bestfriend♡

Pah-chin: My pretty friend♡

Peh-yan: Pretty boy

Hakkai: Show me your ways

Smiley: Princess♡

Angry: Too pretty for anyone♡

Hina: My cute friend♡

Chifuyu: Pretty kitten♡

Baji: You made me gay♡

Emma: Pretty shopping friend♡

Mucho: I think everyone had a crush on him

Sanzu: I admit he is pretty

Senju: Pretty Tiger♡

Takeomi: Him & Waka should never date

Shinichiro: I forgive you♡

Izana: He deserved better too

Inui: Pretty baby♡

Yuzuha: Baby you are too sweet for us♡

Chapter Text

*Emma & Izana enter a room*

Izana: *stops looking scared to something next to the table*

Emma: What?

Izana: There's a spider!

Emma: What do you want me to do?

Izana: Kill it!

Emma: You saw it first!

Izana: You kill it!

Emma: Your the men!

Izana: *suddendly his Tenjiku's uniform transforms into a dress* Since when?


Chapter Text

*at a party*

Hina: Has anyone seen Takemichi or Emma?

Baji: I'm also looking for Tora! I haven't seen in a long time.

Kisaki: Hanma as also disappeared.

Mochi: *looking to his right* Isn't that them?

Draken: *looking around* Where?

Shion: At the karaoke machine.

*everyone looks to where the machine was and find thoe three singing while drunk*

Emma: Oh! Oh! Cupid! Leave me alone(Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Hanma: My heart can’t love anymore(Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Kazutora: I was in love a long time ago(Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Takemichi: I am tired of that much sobbing(Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Emma/Hanma/Kazutora/Takemichi: Hey, hey, it’s the end! (Oh! Oh! Cupid!) Get away from me! (Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Hina: What is wrong with them?

Chifuyu: Did someone broke their hearts?

Akkun: *looks at hem liek they are idiots before going back to look at the heartbroken teens*

Takemichi: I gave my heart to a pretty girl (Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Kazutora: Who has promised me to love and make me happy (Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Emma: However, he left me behind (Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Hanma: He refused my kiss and he didn’t want my love (Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Makoto: *whispering to the other three* How did neither of them notice it yet?

Yamagishi: *whispering back* Because they are idiots.

Emma/Hanma/Kazutora/Takemichi: Hey, hey, it’s the end! (Oh! Oh! Cupid!) Get away from me! (Oh! Oh! Cupid!)

Takuya: Well I will get them before they start cryi-

Hanma: *crying* Why doesn't he looooove me?

Takemichi: *crying* They are fucking assholes.

Emma: *crying and hugging Kazutora* Tora why didn't I fall for you?

Kazutora: *crying and mumblings* I-i don't know b-but why did he do t-that?


Senju: Are they okay?

Akkun: Guys pick one and run to Michi's house! We still have a lot of ice cream and movies to watch!

Takuya/Makoto/Yamagishi: Yes, sir!

Chapter Text

*Wakasa and Draken watching the Akashi siblings fighting*

Wakasa: How long as this been going for?

Draken: *looks at his phone* Three or so hours.

Wakasa: *muttering* Fuck! This is really going to take a lot of time.

*right in that moment Kazutora and Inui arrive with some bags*

Inui: We brought some food for you guys!


Draken: *kisses Inui* Thanks! You are both angels!

Wakasa: But what about those three idiots?

Inui: *looks at the three siblings and winces* I don'y kn-

Kazutora: *bit louder than necessary* Did you know that Angry made this food with all his love for his lover and his two siblings?

Inui: *confused* But didn't you do the mos-

*the three Akashi siblings appear next to them looking expectantly to the bags*

Kazutora: *smiling and giving them their bags* I'm sure Angry will love to know you will enjoy his food.




Wakasa: Are you single?

Chapter Text

Mikey: Where is Shinichiro?

Emma: I saw him leaving with Takeomi in directions of the bathroom.

Mikey: Thanks!

*Mikey goes to near the bathrooms and find a traumatized looking Izana beside the bathroom door*

Mikey: Izana? What happened?

Izana: *mumbling while rocking himself in the floor* I almost saw Shin having sex with Takeomi!


Mikey: *also traumatized by just imagining what Izana may have seen* Let me join you.

Chapter Text

Yuzuha: *panting* Just Dance is actually attempted murder


Taiju: *in the background* I played 11 rounds of it the other day


Yuzuha: Alright Maddie Ziegler nobody fucking asked you

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: What the fuck is Mikey even doing?

Takemichi: HIS BEST!

Chapter Text

Mikey: If a dead ancestor doesn’t appear in the sky to stop me, it can’t be that bad of a decision.

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Takemichi: Don’t kill me, I have a girlfriend!

Random Gang: You think I care about that?

Takemichi: No, this isn’t a plea for mercy. It’s a warning.

Random Gang: Wha-

Hina: *kicking down the door* ARE YOU READY TO DIE?!

Chapter Text

Ran/Rindou/Sanzu *fucking up royally*: Okay, so I know that this is MY fault.

Ran/Rindou/Sanzu, turning to the rest of Bonten: But it is OUR problem.

Chapter Text

Bonten introducing Mikey: This is, His Royal Highness, The Invincible King, Bonten's Leader, Sano 'Mikey' Manjiro.

Mikey introducing himself: Hi, I'm Takemichi's boyfriend.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: So I’m bi-

Chifuyu: *gasps hopefully*

Takemichi: -lingual. Bilingual. I speak two languages.

Chifuyu: Oh... *takes a sip of water, disappointed*

Takemichi: Oh, and I also like boys.

Chifuyu: *spits out water*

Chapter Text

Mikey: Do you ever look at two people and think, “Why haven’t they kissed already?”

Baji: Without a doubt.

Pah-chin: Every day.

Mitsuya: Almost all the time.

Kazutora: Each second of my life.

Draken: Why are all of you looking between me and Emma?

Chapter Text

Mikey: I want McDonald’s.

Mitsuya: We have food at home.

Mikey, sobbing: I want a fucking divorce!

Chapter Text

Choji: It’s weird how Kazutora is good at everything. There’s got to be something he’s bad at.

Baji: Maybe he’s a bad kisser or something?

Hanma: No, Kazutora's good at that too.

Choji: What?

Baji: What?

Hanma: What?

Chapter Text

Chifuyu, through the phone: Hey, we're passing by the store do you need anything?

Baji: Get me those gay cheerios.


Chifuyu: Do you mean fruit loops?

Chapter Text

Kakuchou: So, what was your childhood like?

Izana: Oh, you mean my tragic backstory that you must be at least level 3 friendship to unlock?


Kakuchou: What level am I at? 

Izana: 10. So it all started-

Chapter Text

Takuya: What’s wrong?

Yamagishi: *takes long drag of cigarette*

Yamagishi: My sketchers don’t light up anymore.

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: How’s best partner in world doing?

Takemichi: I don’t know how are you doing?

Chifuyu: *high pitch voice* I'm fine...

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Baji: So, I guess I saved you from a boring existence.

Kazutora: Occasionally, I miss boring.

Baji: Alright, so this stupid gang–

Kazutora: I miss conversations that didn’t start with 'stupid gang'.

Chapter Text

Rindou: If “all the world’s a stage,” then how come I’m the only one who goes around constantly breaking into extravagant musical numbers with complex dance routines?

Chapter Text

Mikey: *tapping on Shinichiro's door at 6am*

Mikey: Do you wanna build a snowman?

Shinichiro: *in tune* No fuck you.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: What's a DILF?

Mitsuya: *looks at everyone trying to see who brought that word up near Kazutora*

Peh-yan: Dad I'd like to...uh, fuck.

Smiley: Dumbass I'd like to fight...

Smiley: ...or fuck.

Chapter Text

Draken: I’m in pain.

Takemichi: I told you to take your pain medication.

Draken: *grabs Takemichi's hand and places it over his heart*

Draken: It hurts right here...

Draken: I think I like you.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Why are you guys in my room??

Mikey: Slumber party!

Takemichi: But I have school tomorrow.

Draken: Who’s fault is that?

Chapter Text

For anyone interested since I installed discord again I decided to create a server in case you want to talk to me or just talk about Tokyo Revengers with someone who may have the same likes as you.

You are welcome to join it♡


This will be deleted later but you will still be able to join when I do it you just have to inform me and I will give the link again or ask for your username & tag♡

Chapter Text

Senju: *recording with the flash on* What do you want for Christmas?


Takeomi: *squinting* Sunglasses

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Koko, I know you don’t like anyone wishing you happy birthday, so crappy day to you!

Koko: Still too much.

Sanzu: I assume you're not doing anything to celebrate tonight.

Koko: Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.

Chapter Text

Smiley at rave: Best time of my life #gay rights #out of my closet.

Angry: There’s like three people puking their guts behind you.

Smileu: This ain’t about them.

Chapter Text

Angry: I don’t think we can mansplain manipulate malewife our way out of this

Mikey: *cracks knuckles* Manslaughter it is

Angry: Mikey no-

Chapter Text

Taiju: I’ve been the worst big brother ever. I’m very aware of that.

Hakkai: I saw a thing on the true crime channel about a guy who tried to kill his younger brother with a blender. You have competition, is my point.

Chapter Text

Shion: *wears a lighter shade of black*

Kakuchou: I see you’re bringing out the spring colors.

Chapter Text

Takemichi, using an ouija board: Tell us... is there a spirit in the house?

Spirit, through the board: Y e s

Takemichi: Great! Rent is due the first of the month and movie night's on Fridays if you wanna hang out~

Spirit: W h a t t h e f u c k

Chapter Text

Chifuyu: What would you do if you were invisible?

Kazutora: I think I’d like to spend time in nature. I could easily watch birds and animals without scaring them and I feel like it’d be really peaceful.

Baji: Set up tripwires everywhere…

Chapter Text

Mikey: Yes I’m 23 and Koko just got me my first pair of heelys

Mikey: *nearly falls over*

Mikey: Now if you’ll excuse me I’m a skater boy and I’ll say see you later boy

Chapter Text

*Mitsuya and Draken arguing*

Draken: You think you've got it all figured out, but you have no idea.

Mitsuya: Whatever you're planning, it won't work. Also, that suit makes you look like a sexy orchestra conductor. Here, wave this pen around.

Draken: Focus.

Mitsuya: Right, we're fighting.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Well I did go to summer camp. For two weeks. I got kicked out.

Chifuyu: Kicked out?

Kazutora: Yeah. It’s a long story. Suffice it to say I don’t like liars who steal nail polish and then pass out when you slap them a little bit on the back of their neck.

Chapter Text

South: I can’t find a costume for Halloween. Can I go as your boyfriend?

Taiju: Only if you stay in character all year.

Chapter Text

Mochi: Do you ever worry you’ll regret things in the future?

Ran: No, I regret everything immediately.

Chapter Text

Baji: You know what I just realised?

Mitsuya: Some thoughts are better left unsaid?

Baji: Nice try.

Baji: Anyways so-

Chapter Text

Takeomi, reprimanding the other Bonten members: We're not mad, just disappointed.

Kakuchou: No, we're mad.

Takeomi: Yes, we are mad. We're livid. But we're going to let this one slide.

Kakuchou: No, we're not.

Takeomi: I'm not a mind reader, Kkauchou!

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: We were helping Pah-chin write his vows, but he kicked us out because Peh-yan kept making inappropriate suggestions.

Peh-yan: How is “Hanayome, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?

Chapter Text

Senju: Who wants a tarot reading?


Wakasa: Those are pokemon cards.


Senju: You got a Squirtle it means shut the fuck up.

Chapter Text

Akane: So what’s the plan?

Shinichiro: I don’t know. You’re smart, *points at Wakasa* he's mean and *points at Takeomi* he's rich, come up with something.

Chapter Text

Draken: How did you know I was going to ask you out?

Emma: Takemichi hasn't been able to look at me all month without crying.

Chapter Text

Mucho: What are you writing?

Sanzu: Draken wants a detailed list of every weapon I own.

Mucho: This just says “fuck around and find out.”

Sanzu: Exactly.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: You are the biggest disaster I've ever seen.

Takemichi: I'll take that as a compliment. You've met some spectacular disasters.

Chapter Text

Shion: We're not cops.

Kisaki: I'm actually a scientist.

Izana: And I'm the devil.

Chapter Text

Koko: Mikey and I don't have pet names for each other

Rindou: What do bees make?

Koko: Honey?

Rindou: Huh, really thought that would work

Koko: Ha! You idiot

Mikey, from another room: Yeah?

Chapter Text

Takeomi: Handcuffs? Wow, you’re kinky...

Naoto: First off, I’m a policeman. And secondly, you’re being placed under arrest.

Chapter Text

*after Chifuyu lost Baji's motorcycle*

Chifuyu: Baji... I just want you to know, if we can’t find your motorcycle, I’m gonna feel really bad.

Baji, stepping closer threateningly: No, you bitch. If we can’t find my motorcycle, you won’t feel anything.


Chifuyu: Aw, thanks.

Chapter Text

Inui: Would you kiss Koko for a million dollars?

Taiju: I guess..?

Taiju: But, I mean, I don’t really have that kind of money though.

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: I need you to swear...

12-year-old Izana: Fuck!

Shinichiro: Swear as in promise.

Chapter Text

*Mitsuya and Hakkai talking in the kitchen*

Mana: Why haven't those two kissed already?

Luna: Who knows?

Chapter Text

Mochi: We have a crisis!

Kakuchou: It's a good day when we only have one crisis.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Who ate all the cookies?

Mikey: Ninjas.

Grandpa Sano: I didn’t see them.

Emma: No one ever does.

Shinichiro: *laughing in the back*

Chapter Text

Baji: You’re such an amazing person. You’re funny, handsome, kind..I wish you could see yourself from my eyes..

Kazutora: You’re such a good friend Kei-

Baji: *squeaking* f-friend?

Chapter Text

Shinichiro: Excuse me, I’d like to have your undivided attention!

Mikey: You couldn’t handle my undivided attention!

Chapter Text

Draken: Did you set your hair on fire again?

Baji, smoke pouring out from behind him: No, that was just one time. It’s just that I’m so good looking, I’m literally smoking hot.

Chapter Text

Hanma, reading about Kisaki betraying Mikey: Look at this! You played him like a fiddle!

Kisaki: Oh no, Hanma, fiddles are actually difficult to play.

Kisaki: I played that bastard like the cheap kazoo he was.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: I would stab you right now but, unfortunately my therapist said no

Chapter Text

All shows found family have:

Asshole with heart of gold and self-esteem issues- Baji

Really sweet character who's capable of murder also with self-esteem issues- Kazutora

Incredible cool characters and only one with an active brain cell- Mitsuya & Draken

Sassy and hiding pain- Mikey

Dilf- Mucho & Smileu

Furious bisexual-  Chifuyu & Peh-yan

Only one capable of keeping a plant alive- Angry & Pah-chin

The simp- Sanzu & Hakkai

Emotional support himbo- Takemichi

Chapter Text

Draken: So like... what's Emma's type?

Takemichi: Oh, blonde hair, kind, oblivious, really cool, good sense of humor, has a dragon tattoo.

Draken: Damn, that sounds a lot like me. Too bad we're just friends :(

Takemichi: Did I mention oblivious?

Draken: Yeah, why?

Takemichi: Just making sure

Chapter Text

Koko: What are you reading, Inupi?

Inupi: *covering the smut he’s reading with his hand* nOTHING

Chapter Text

Takemichi: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany!

Takemichi, earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: Did you know Baji-san died?

Past Takemichi: Takemitchy-

Takemichi: And Mikey's two other siblings, Emma and Izana?

Past Takemichi: TAKEMITCHY!

Takemichi: And let's not forget that Senju will almost die while Draken will die once again...

Past Takemichi: TAKEMITCHY NO!


Chapter Text

Takemichi: Kisaki died of natural causes.

Kazutora: You two pushed him off the roof.

Baji: Gravity is natural.

Chapter Text

Every friends group should include a:

Mean bisexual- Kisaki

An even meaner gay- Izana

He/they- Ran

He/they's protector- Rindou

Token straight that is on thin ice- Koko

The one who doesn't know what is happening but joins anyway- Mochi

The mother of the group who just wants peace- Kakuchou

The gay in love with someone in the group- Hanma

That one that can't decide what to do with life so he just follows the others- Shion

Chapter Text

Takemichi: If you are the devil why aren't you wearing Prada?


Izana: That's a good question.

Izana: But being the devil doesn't give the same money has it did before.

Takemichi: *worried* Really? Do you want some of mine? I have too much money and no where to use it.

Izana: No but thanks for offering.

Takemichi: No, we will go right now buy you and your friends some new clothes.

Izana: But-

Kakuchou: Don't even try. Once Michi puts something on his head he will do it no matter what.

Chapter Text

Takemichi: If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world remains the same.

Kazutora: Kill two.

Baji: Or...kill ten.

Hanma: We could also just kill all of them.

Chapter Text

*Takeomi and the rest of Bonten, except Kakuchou,  obeserving a silver haired person shouting to a black haired one*

Takeomi: Oh my god...look at this idiot. Where are his parents?





Takeomi: *realizing* Oh, shit! It's me, I'm the parent.

Takeomi: I have to go!

Chapter Text

Emma, depressed, lying on the floor: I just feel like a noodle.

Kazutora joining her on the floor and hugging her: Good, I like pasta.

Chapter Text

Sanzu: Self care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes and slaps you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

Chapter Text

Hanma: *wearing Kisaki's glasses* How do I look?


Kisaki: I don't have a fucking clue.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: What are Takeomi and Senju arguing about this time?

Mitsuya: They have a bet going about what Wakasa is like in bed. Senju thinks he’s secretly really romantic, but Takeomi thinks he’s too kinky.

Kazutora: Yeah, he’s actually both.




Kazutora: I mean... How would I know? I don’t know what Wakasa’s like in bed.

Kazutora: But I would assume he’s both.

Chapter Text

*Braham having a reunion of what they should do with the guy who betrayed Sanzu*

Benkei: You shouldn't break someone's heart. They only have one.

Takeomi: Your right. Break their bones they have 206 of those.

Senju: Good idea.


Chapter Text

Baji, reading a recipe: “Beat three eggs”.

Baji: At what? Hand to hand combat?

Sanzu: It must be, Mitsuya banned swords in the kitchen a few weeks ago.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Luna and Mana found out they could sneakily put post-its on people's backs without them knowing.

Mitsuya: But they don't know that they should say things like 'kick me', so they all just have smiley faces on them.

Chapter Text

Smiley: Got called gay in Walmart earlier, guys.

Draken: ??

Mitsuya: Tell us what happened.

Smiley: I got called gay in Walmart.

Draken: Yeah, but why??

Smiley: I was making out with Mucho.

Mitsuya: In Walmart?

Smileu: Yeah, it was in Walmart.

Chapter Text

Takeomi: So how’d you convince Senju to betray me? What’d you offer her?

Sanzu: I asked her if she wanted to embarrass you and she instantly said yes.

Chapter Text

Grandpa Sano: Mikey, can you wake Shinichiro up?

Mikey: Sure!

Mikey: *picks up his trumpet*

Mikey: *takes a breath*


Chapter Text

South: Get out of my chair.

Shion: Maybe you could reconsider how you’re asking.


South: Get the fuck out of my chair.

Chapter Text

Kazutora: Welcome to the “Fuck Hanemiya Kazutora” club, where we discuss all the reasons why I am a terrible person.

Kazutora: Before we start, does our newest member want to say anything?

Chifuyu, sweating: I, um, I may have misunderstood the purpose of this club.

Kazutora: How could you misunderstand the purpose of this club?

Wakasa: Really fast.

Mikey: Yeah.

Baji: There is so many things the name could mean






Kazutora: *blushing* You are all fucking perverts!

Chapter Text

Mochi: My plan B for everything is to die before it happens.

Chapter Text

Benkei: How do you like your beef, Senju?

Senju: *observing Wakasa and Kazutora interact* Like I like my ships.

Benkei: Which is?

Senju: So rare that it might as well be raw.



Benkei: I think I will make some fish for you.

Chapter Text

Emma: I’m dating Draken.

Izana: I always knew your standards were low, but not that low.

Chapter Text

Kakuchou, whose first language isn’t English: Hello! I’m sorry if my English isn’t very good.

South, whose first language is English: hte fuckign

Chapter Text

Baji, frustrated: There’s only a certain amount of dumb I can be! Surely!

Chapter Text

Mikey, using a knife to unscrew a screw: You know, they say use a Philips head screwdriver, but they also say you should pay attention in your social studies class. But that didn’t happen! Now I don’t know where New Mexico is.

Chapter Text

Baji, to his mom: This is my friend, Kazutora.

Kazutora: Nice to meet you, Baji-san.

Baji's Mom: You too, sweetheart, you’re so pretty!

Baji's Mom, whispering to Baji : He’s your boyfriend?

Baji: No.

Baji's Mom: Good. He can do better.

Chapter Text

Mitsuya: Sanzu is a homicidal maniac. And you’re not.

Luna: Oh, we don’t know that yet. I’m still young!