It isn’t that she feels guilty for it. She likes to think that everything that happened back then wasn’t her fault. Tells herself that ‘Everything happens for a reason’ and ‘They fucked you over from the beginning’. But deep down, in the very bottom of her being, Sabina knows that that’s all a load of shit. That they’re just words said by the people around her to make her feel better when she has a breakdown. Words said to fix her. But she didn’t need fixing. Or she didn’t want someone to pick up her pieces, driving them so far off the edge themselves when they realise how screwed she truly was that they regret she ever existed.
Sometimes Sabina wished she had a time machine. So she could hit rewind and have a new chance at everything; life, family... love.
But then she remembers what she would be leaving behind. Her real family, not the parents scrawled across her birth certificate that shoved her out of the picture when they realised how much of an inconvinience it was to raise a child the right way and not have them be a conversation piece. A tick in the box if you will. No, the family she had at Townsend. Her boss, Rebekah Bosley, easily wound up yet so tolerant of Sabina from day one. She saw how special she was and how much the agency needed her. Helped her through the rough times, the loneliness, the wandering thoughts of her mind that lingered at the back of her brain, waiting to pounce and pull her under. The drinking. Especially the drinking. Where everyone else would rather her talk to Saint, Sabina wanted to just let it all float away to the bottom of a tequila bottle. But Boz always knew how to put her together again, and never once complained about the late nights, the countless midnight calls or the hours way past then when Sabina would come stumbling back to the outpost after a mission, watching and listening as she padded around her room. Boz noticed that she paced a lot, when her demons reared their ugly heads late into the night or when she was stressed about something. But Sabina would always re-emerge from her room the next morning with a smile on her face and a sarcastic comment playing at her lips, thinking no one heard her up crying and ignoring the visible bags under her eyes. She loved Sabina like a niece, a daughter even, and hoped Sabina felt the same way.
There was Saint, Sabina’s rock. Everyone’s rock. Whilst Bosley cared for her like a mother, Saint always knew what to say. When she came to him late at night, tear tracks down her cheeks and the life gone from her usually sparkling eyes, he prepared himself for what came next. Everything that was said between them was kept strictly private by both parties, as it wasn’t just Sabina that shared parts of herself she wouldn’t to anyone else in their talks. Saint often found himself explaining everything that had led him up to that moment in time, from the death of his brother to his medical training and experiences. He trusted Sabina completely, they held each other up when times were hard but never spoke about it.
The other Angels were all welcome to his services, and plenty of them had personal thoughts that haunted them to talk about. But it was different with Sabina. She wore her heart on her sleeve at all times, yet kept the most important part of herself under lock and key. It was the way she completely and fully offered herself up to everyone she came across that often scared people away. Sabina wasn’t afraid of keeping the annoying parts of her personality under wraps, people often coaxed others into a false persona only to whip around six months later with some weird habit that pissed off the other person. She’d rather not let them be tricked. Well that’s what she liked to believe. The real reason was much more selfish than that. She’d prefer to only have the ones that truly liked her enough to stick around in her life. If they took her for what she was, and not some twisted alter ego of stitched together, likeable pieces, and still loved her then, maybe it was worth a try. Maybe she wouldn’t be hurt again.
Jane had experienced this first hand. Admittedly, she found, and still finds, Sabina extremely annoying. But it’s more of an ‘oh, you’ sort of annoying now. She had fallen for Sabina’s charm and wits, right under her ‘spell’ as Jane had once drunkenly described it to Elena whilst they were alone. Sabina was often a topic of discussion when she wasn’t around, as if she never left. She had that effect on people. If it was the target they needed more info on or a Bosley she had to work with, Sabina always left an impression. Whether it was a good one, well that was for them to decide.
The three of them were a dream team. They completed each other in ways none of them ever thought possible. There was more than friendship there, everyone could see it, but whatever it was needed time to set in. And if time passed and nothing happened, then the three of them were happy to continue the movie nights. The drunken parties at Sabina’s “Bachelorette Pad” that lasted well into the night and ended with them falling asleep on the couch, heads resting on shoulders and fingers interlocking in world shifting and heart warming ways. The evenings that they would order takeaway after a week long mission and Sabina would conveniently fall asleep as Jane started clearing away the tupperware. Pyjama days where oversized t-shirts and bare feet sleepily padded around the outpost before a mission started. Their life was nothing short of perfect. Maybe not the conventional perfection, the safe, two kids and a dog in the suburbs kind of perfect, but the truly happy kind.
Where heaven was a place on Earth, and Angels surrounded you.