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Monthly updates of my eating disorder that is slowly eating me alive not only figuratively but literally too

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07/08/21
Monthly update.
Weight:45.4kg
Height:158cm
BMI:18.2
wake up everyday only anticipating getting on my scale to weigh myself. I have no more joy anymore, every decision I do or do not make will eventually lead into my suffering one way or another. However, I make this decision, therefore I am in control in some sadistic twisted way. I guess it just shows the true nature of humans where someone will slowly kill themselves and rot their brain just to feel a sense of control. But I get it, when you have no control over anything else, you know you can control everything that goes in your body. Which is probably why when the eventual loss of control comes it feels like your whole world crumbles then and there. I'm guessing my loss of control comes from school and fearing inferior honestly. Going from one of the most high achieving students to just being mediocre. What a punch in the face. I realised that maybe I am not all that and I will never be the best at anything I do so instead I took control of my body. What a strange cycle. Maybe I even began to blame my body for my failure at some point, starting to think that my body drags me down, it's an inconvenience to feed myself. My heavy skeleton and human form prevents me from my full potential, to be weightless, to be a mere atom, have no restrictions in my being. The idea of that disgusting yellow clumpy material called fat encasing my body at all times, locking me in an oily prison due to my own self and consumption. My skin holds everything that I hate within it. I gained a kilogram today because I binged on pizza last night, I can't believe I wasted so much hard work on pizza god. I then exercised my ass off but then even that didn't stop the gain I guess. I've worked hard today though so I will lose tomorrow. But we'll see how much I weigh in a month's time. I'll be going back to school by then, have to look good so there's a big goal day.