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You wish you could feel the same feeling you had when you met Cassie.


When your heart skipped a beat just because the prettiest girl in your world sat next to you and talked to you, talked to you about your classes, your interests, anything that an eight-year-old could think of.


You told your mom about Cassie on the drive home from dance, and then you told her about how she had a younger sister named Lexi who was in first grade, and how she had dimples whenever she smiled, and her favorite color was blue. At the end of your rambling, you had exclaimed loud and proud that you wanted to be her best friend in the whole wide world forever. And she just chuckled and nodded along to what you said.


The years passed, and you two grew up, making new friends along the way and creating a group. But you and Cassie were always close. Your dreams of being a dancer had shattered to pieces because of your mother and how violently overprotective she was, and when Cassie's dad got in an accident, you were there for her. You'd always be there for her. Even when times were tough, even when you assumed you'd never be friends again, you always found your way back to each other. Kat, a girl they befriended in sixth grade, said you two were like soulmates, and you didn't know what that meant. But it seemed right. 


But maybe Kat was a little too right one day at Cassie's, you're nearly fourteen, and you started to feel nervous. Your palms get all sweaty and gross, and it's like your heart is going to beat out of your chest every time you stand around her.


You've experienced anxiety, the sinking feeling in your chest straight down to your stomach because you felt that way when your grandmother had died, but this isn't like when your grandmother died. It's like a different feeling, the anxiety is a good one, and you don't seem to understand that good anxiety can exist. You go to Kat about this because you can't go to Cassie, then you tell her what's going on, and she says that she feels this way too sometimes, and then she asks if you like anyone.


You avoid the question and look away, cheeks turning red out of embarrassment because you don't like Cassie the way you like boys. Or maybe you do. And Kat seems to look at you all strange, but you don't answer, your locked up, scared. And most realistically, confused. And nobody tells you this, but it only manages to get worse during high school. The years of your life are nothing like the high school movies you've watched as a kid.


Maybe there's a pro because you figured out the definition of pansexual and seemed to be okay with the label.


Although everything else seems to be fake, your friendship with Cassie still is strong, but it's mellowed out she's with someone this time. Chris McKay. You don't really like the guy, but if Cassie's happy, you'll try to be happy yourself, even if you're still harboring these eighth grade feelings for her. You sometimes think about the possibilities if Cassie liked you back if you two could be together, but you're also with someone.


Nate Jacobs.


A high school sweetheart, despite you being in the middle of high school. He's the most popular douche in school. And sure you love him, you do, but it's different than most. The relationship is complicated, and apparently, everything in your life must be complicated, but sometimes he can be sweet, emphasis on sometimes. 


You go through ups and downs the school year, with your life going downhill practically, Nate's life going downhill, and so much more. And then you're high on molly with Cassie at the carnival. Practically saying random shit that comes to mind. You mention a few things you maybe shouldn't have mentioned, but it'll all be forgotten tomorrow while you and Cassie would've probably been too high to even comprehend what was happening. 


The night gets worse from there, and he chokes you because you two got in an argument, you get a bad bruise on her neck because of it, and you refuse to tell anyone. Not even Cassie, when you tell her everything, but this is a secret you keep.


Maybe your friendship isn't going to last forever. You think this on a Wednesday night, when you're supposed to be sleeping because you have school tomorrow. But you just can't bring your mind to settle down. Tears fill into your dark brown eyes at the thought of it, and you slowly wipe them away, but it gets you thinking. Thinking about the thoughts that you shouldn't think of, tears come once more, and you sigh. Not bothered to wipe them away.


Tears fall down your cheeks and onto the pillow as you continue thinking of these fake scenarios of losing your best friend, losing the girl you love. Maybe your being too overdramatic, but you haven't slept in two days, and so you have the right to be. Shaking your head, you think about something else, or at least try to with no prevail. Shit, maybe high school really is a fucking disaster the more you think about it.


So, you just wish things were as simple as third grade. Like you just met Cassie for the first time. And maybe you'll feel a bit better.