Chapter 1: The Calm Beatle
It's Ringo's turn.
Ringo Starr was listening to the radio in his car as he drove to his managers Brian Epstein’s home. He had received a call the previous evening from the older man, requesting his presence. Ringo didn’t think much about the request and agreed without question. As he pulled into the driveway of his destination, he noticed the cars of his other three bandmates.
Now the four of them meeting at Brian’s wasn’t unheard of, they usually were together. However the way the five different men communicated, it was strange there was no mention of the other’s attendance. That’s when the reality crept up on him. He was hear for a surprise talk. Reflecting, after the initial shock, he realized he probably needed it. He wasn’t insane, not yet, but had been stressed over George and the promise he made.
He remained in his car for an untimely fashion, unable to decide what to do next. The logical conclusion was to cooperate and go inside. However he couldn’t bring himself to do it, as it was still intimidating. The sky changed from the laps in time, where the drummer just sat and stared into nothing. Suddenly there was movement from the dwelling, reflecting in his drivers side mirror. Someone had exited the rear door and was walking towards his car. Upon further inspection, the drummer concluded it was Paul.
Thinking about why he was chosen to pick up Paul to go for the talk, was likely the same reason McCartney was coming towards him and not John or George. They were the only pair between the bandmates to have not slept together. Paul approached with soft gentle footsteps on the stone driveway. Ringo opened his window all the way down. He wasn’t going to try and stop what was going to happen, but he needed a friend. The smaller man was grateful for the soft spoken man’s presence.
“Is everything alright?” asked Paul as he reached the window.
“Just dwelling on the switch in roles.” Remarked the blue eyed man. It hadn’t been too long since Ringo delivered the uncooperative McCartney to this very house for the talk. Paul was breaking down at that point and still hadn’t fully recovered to this day.
“Well not exactly,” explained the man outside the car. “Brian wants to talk to both of us.” This intrigue the drummer. Still, what could he and Paul need to hear together? Their issues were clearly different. Ringo’s issue was about being topped, where McCartney struggled with the very idea he was attracted to men.
“Do you think it has to do with our affairs together?“
“Oh it most certainly does.” Paul stated bluntly. “Are you okay with that?” Ringo was staring forward out the windshield as if he were driving.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” He said feeling defeated. He rolled up his window and stepped out of the car. Right after closing the heavy metal door, he threw himself into his companions arms, who held him lovingly. Ringo’s body trembled slightly, so Paul began to stroke his hair.”
“It’s going to be alright.” The taller man assured.
“I know. I’m just scared.” Ringo whispered in his friends embrace.
Chapter 2: The Music Awaits
Ringo cooperates and agrees to have a talk with their manager. However the drummer is forced to face George after his secret is exposed.
The friends walked inside the house through the back entrance. Ringo recalled telling Paul he would feel so much better when he left that very house, when it was his turn to have the talk with their manager. The drummers words echoed in his mind as they moved through the familiar corridor. As they approached the office, where these meetings formally took place, the new arrival noticed his other two mates. John and George stood up from the same delicate wooden chairs they sat in before when it was Paul’s turn. Ringo smiled when he saw his two lovers and eagerly walked past McCartney to reunite with them.
“I guess it’s my turn.” The blue eyed man said bravely, trying to keep a strong appearance.
“You’ll be fine Rich.” Assured John, reading the same nervous ticks he has in common with his friend. Ringo looked George over, his first male lover. He was dressed casually in a black T-shirt and jeans. He didn’t smile and seemed upset. “Georgie, “ the eldest Beatle said softly. “Is everything okay?” John laid his hand on George’s shoulder as Ringo asked his question. Harrison quickly reached in for a hug and held the shorter man close.
“I love you Rings.” The youngest Beatles said holding back tears. This took the older man by surprise. He had not been aware of anything wrong between the two. He hadn’t told his beloved George his fears about being penetrated, but looking at John whom he had made this confession, he realized his mistake. He didn’t ask Lennon to keep it a secret and in a way his bandmate saved him the trouble of doing something hard. He was grateful to some degree that this was already out. He didn’t have to hide it from George anymore.
“George, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” Ringo whispered in Harrison’s ear, still locked in the embrace.
“Its okay.” George assured. “I just don’t want you to end up like I did.” This broke Starr’s heart. “I want you to talk to Brian and then we’ll talk together.” Ringo nodded his head and feared what George was going to tell him in their talk. Starr felt a hand on his shoulder, looking at its origins he saw it was Paul.
“Time to go in.” the soft spoken Beatle stated while indicating the direction of the door. Ringo sighed, he wanted to hold George some more, but this was not that time. He begrudgingly joined Paul at the entrance to the office. The taller of the two knocked on one of the wooden barriers.
“Come in.” said the familiar voice of their manager. The petite man could feel his heart race, then suddenly there was Paul’s hand holding his.
“You’re not alone.” The darker haired man gently told his companion.
“Are you scared too?” Asked Starr.
“I’m trying not to think about it.” The lead singer weakly uttered then he opened the door, letting his companion enter first, then followed. The door connected with it’s twin, with the two other Beatles waiting outside, again. John and George had sat back down in their chairs and George broke down crying. Seeing Ringo so nervous like that really upset him. John wrapped his arm around his companion.
“Don’t worry Georgie.” John soothed his friend. “Rich is going to be alright.”
Chapter 3: Beatle Wrestling
Ringo and Paul are both in for the talk with their manager Mister Epstein.
There's a major breakthrough!
Entering the office, Ringo saw their manager behind his desk as he stood up warmly to greet them. The shorter man found himself stopping when seeing the counsel. Paul strolled quietly past him and took a seat on the couch. Brian moved from around the desk to join them in the lounge of his study, when he noticed the standing man. He warmly approached the drummer, with an affectionate gaze.
“It’s alright Richard.” The older man said putting his arm over the petite man’s shoulder. “You’re not in any trouble.” He explained as he guided Ringo to the couch where Paul sat quietly with a space waiting for him. “George and John are both concerned you might be internalizing your problems and we all agreed it would be better to give you the talk now, before you drive yourself mad.”
“I know,” Ringo agreed begrudgingly, but accepting his fate. “you are all right. I need this.”
“Why am I here?” Paul inquired as the blue eyed man sat beside him. Brian relaxed himself into an arm chair facing his two clients.
“Because you and Rich are both struggling about a particular type of sex.” Epstein explained. Paul immediately responded by crossing his legs, turning his head and covering his face with his hand, while shifting his back towards the other two present. For a man clinging to being heterosexual, the drummer couldn’t help but find that pose rather queer.
“I can’t deal with this now.” The youngest amongst them whined. Brian was used to this reaction, but Ringo had never seen Paul behave in such a manner.
“Paul?” the blue eyed man uttered gently. “What is the matter? I thought you and John have both done this to each other.” McCartney didn’t say anything, but he winced when his bandmate made this point.
“Paul is struggling over the subject of anal sex.” Brian informed the drummer. “Most notably the fact he enjoys it. “ Ringo found himself reaching out to Paul, touching him on the lower arm.
“Why are you ashamed of liking it?” the smaller man asked, sincerely curious to the answer.
“Its just so undignifying!” Paul remarked.
“Lord man!” Starr responded. “When is sex ever dignifying? You’re naked, sweaty, making crazy noises! Hell you’re literally squirting from your dick in or on another person. How is what you and John do any more undignifying than all of that?“
“That’s easy for you to say, you haven’t been on the woman’s end!” Paul snarked. Ringo was taken back by Paul’s perspective of this position. He was nervous about the pain, afraid to go mad and didn’t want to have a break down during sex, but he found his bandmates description offensive.
“Are you saying George is a woman!” he snapped annoyed.
“Easy Richard.” Epstein interrupted the exchange as it became hostile. It had been interesting observing the conversation between these two. “Paul has already made clear to me that his negative feelings about this kind of sex are solely directed towards himself.” Paul had began his affair with John in secret. Both he and John were too insecure to talk openly about their shared intimacy. Paul was forced to struggle with his acceptance alone and with paralyzing anxiety over the matter. This caused the petite man’s demeanor to change.
“Is this true?” He asked in his sweet voice. Without looking at him, McCartney slowly nodded.
“I could never feel that way about George or John.” The shy man added to his nod.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice, but how can you be so much harder on yourself than your own lover’s?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t you enjoy it?” This question only increased Paul’s distress and he folded himself over to hide his embarrassment. Starr instinctively comforted his friend. “Paul, we’ve never done this together, but when I see the faces of the other lads, they are in ecstasy. It’s something I wish I could experience.”
“Then why don’t you?” Paul responded after quickly turning to face the man next to him and look him in the eye. Taken back and unable to find an answer Ringo found himself unable to respond. Looking the two Beatles over, Brian figured it would be wise to bring up Ringo’s issue.
“Rich, would you like to tell Paul what you’re struggling with?” This request made the smaller man pause. He shifted in his seat, trying to make words come out of his mouth. Then he felt something warm clasp his hand. It was Paul, who worked his way out of his shell to show the blue eyed man support and love. It was both needed and appreciated by the drummer.
“I struggle, as you put it,” Ringo began. “with the concern of the pain it will cause. I also don’t want to break down and go mad like the others.”
“When it comes to the pain, there are measures that can be taken to lessen and even prevent it.” Epstein added. “As for going mad, that’s why we are here. We want to prevent you from internalizing your problem. We had this discussion before, what are you really afraid of?” Epstein confronted the petite man.
“You said I feared being vulnerable.” Starr replied looking down.
“What are you afraid will happen if you were to break down during sex?” asked the counsel. Ringo found the very thought disturbing.
“Have you experience this?” the drummer quickly asked Paul. He sincerely wanted to know, but he desperately didn’t want to ponder on Epstein’s question. The soft spoken Beatle nodded again.
“Once.” Paul admitted. “It was during my first time with John.”
“What happened?” the oldest Beatle pressed.
“It was powerful, because of all John and I had been through. I had never entertained the idea of being with a man before and John did this to me during my first experience. I felt conflicted about what I was doing.” Paul became weaker in his voice. “I had flashes of my life with John. It was a combination of sad memories and…” He cut off, he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“Paul, you already admitted to John in front of me how you feel about making love like this.” Brian pointed out, pushing the man to leave his comfort zone. “Finish your sentence.”
“love …” McCartney whispered.
“For John.” The manager added.
“Yes.” Paul submissively admitted.
“Why are you ashamed of that?” asked Ringo. The soft spoken man remained quiet.
“Because it makes him feel submissive and he likes it.” the counsel explained as Paul reverted into a ball at the continuing description.
“And that’s why you feel so undignified.” The drummer stated to the lead singer. Another nod from Paul. “Then why do you do it?”
“Because I love it.” Paul accidentally confessed then returning to his embarrassed position. Ringo wrapped his arms around the man next to him and held his friend close. He had no idea how much this man suffered. The conflictions of ones self image and the desires that contradicted it was something he could understand.
“Paul, I’m going to share something with you.” Epstein looked at the oldest Beatle. Ringo and Brian had an overnight affair not to long ago, which both men enjoyed and remembered fondly. Ringo realized where Brian was going, looked up attentively. “Rich and I made love not long ago.” This shocked McCartney as he lifted himself out of his shell.
“Its true.” Starr confirmed.
“Rich implied strongly his interests in me,” explained the manager. “and we had a beautiful night together.”
“It was nice.“ agreed the oldest Beatle.
“But you didn’t want me.” Paul mentioned, feeling a bit rejected again.
“Its not that I didn’t want you.” Brian replied. “You were too vulnerable when you kissed me that night. I would have been taking advantage of you if I did. You are an exceptionally beautiful man Paul, as well as a gentleman. You are charismatic, intelligent and talented, I rejected you to protect you.” Paul accepted the answer and the wise man continued. “Now when Richard and I made love, I allowed him to penetrate me.”
Paul’s eyes looked like they were ready to pop out of his head. He stared at his manager and then his fellow bandmate sitting besides him, looking back at him without any hesitation in those blue eyes.
“Its all true.” Ringo told him. Paul darted his eyes back at their counsel.
“You let him do this to you?” the youngest in the room asked the eldest. Before Brian could answer Starr responded instantly.
“I didn’t do this to him, but for him.” The petite man corrected. “Brian if I may ..” he asked for approval as he was discussing their sexual actions together.
“Go ahead.” The older man allowed.
“When I was close with Brian, he let his whole body relax and just enjoyed himself. He wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed at all.”
“Exactly. You’re a beautiful lover Richie and you gave me a wonderful experience.” Brian said giving him a warm smile. Ringo smiled back, he agreed, it was beautiful. “What happened when we were done?”
“You rolled on top of me.” Starr said, thinking back to that moment. This memory made him suddenly feel uncomfortable. In a way he came to an understanding of Paul’s problem. When the drummer finished the sex he had with their manager, the older man made affectionately but clearly his established dominance. Ringo had been submissive to this lover that entire time completely unaware until that moment. It was powerful, causing him to revert to a frail emotional state. He understood how that would drive a person mad and Paul was still struggling with the madness. “You made me realize that even though I was on top and I was inside you, you were always the one in control.”
“Precisely.” Agreed the counsel. “The act itself doesn’t cause the emotions you experience. Those emotions were already there.”
“So I had those feelings before I slept with John?” Paul asked.
“Yes.” Answered their manager. “You admitted previously you developed feelings of love for John when his mother died. Your close attraction formed during that shared experience and progressed from there.”
“The bond you have with John is special.” Ringo added. “Everyone can see it. You shouldn’t fight what you are feeling or be ashamed of the experience. You love it. In fact the only one making you miserable is yourself.”
“How?” Paul demanded
“Because you can’t let go of the delusion that your heterosexual.” Starr stated bluntly.
“Fuck you!” Paul yelled and quickly shot up to leave but Brian also rose and cornered the agitated man.
“Let me leave Brian!” Paul demanded.
“No.” Epstein said gently but firmly. “Rich is right. You need to face this part of yourself.” The younger man was shocked. He tried to push threw but with no success. Brian got his grip on the agitated man and drew the Beatle close. Face deep in the older mans warm and ever inviting chest, Paul collapse into the embrace. Epstein wrapped his arms around his distressed client. To comfort him but also to restrain any further efforts to flee. “Paul, you may be very selective in your male lover’s to only a close few, but you clearly enjoy making love to at least two men and were willing to sleep with a third.”
Hearing this threw Paul into a fit. He began thrusting his fist at his managers chest, but Brian quickly restrained him. Ringo ran over to aide Brian as Paul was losing his control. The younger man was in hysterics, trying to break free and run.
“Easy Paul!” Ringo said as he helped hold McCartney in place. “There is nothing wrong with your sexuality. We love you. All of us do.”
“Rich is right.” Epstein soothed. “We all love you. We love you regardless of your sexuality.”
“I want John!” McCartney yelled.
“John isn’t going to stop this Paul.” The oldest man in the room informed the lad in his arms. “You need to admit and accept this part of yourself.” Paul was breathing heavily, trying to revert inward again. Brian realized this, so he positioned his client in a manner forcing the young man to look at him. “What do you think will change if you admit this about yourself?” Paul just sulked. He didn’t have an answer.
“Paulie,” His fellow bandmate whispered gently. “it breaks my heart seeing you hurt yourself like this. All this pain over your sexuality when all you need to do is just stop hating yourself just because you enjoy having sex with John like that. You obviously don’t want to stop.”
“What is that feeling that is upsetting you Paul?” Brian asked, stroking the distressed man’s face. “What did you feel when you first made love to John that made you break down?”
“He took me so fast!” McCartney shouted. “I didn’t want it to feel good.”
“But it did.” The counsel persisted. “You’re allowed to like it. You’re allowed to be in love with John!”
“I’m in love with John…?” Paul uttered in shock. He never thought of that. All of a sudden tears came out. “I’m in love with a man. Oh my god!” Brian held the young man close.
“Yes, you are.” Soothed the manager. “And there is nothing wrong with that.”
“I really am a queer!” whimpered the distraught man.
“No Paul, I’m a queer, you’re bisexual.” Mister Epstein assured lovingly.
Chapter 4: Will I Go Mad? Will It Hurt? Will I Cry Like A Baby?
After Paul's major breakthrough, he and John retreat into a private room. Now with Paul gone, there is no way for the drummer to divert attention from himself.
It was a powerful release as Paul wept in the arms of their manager. The younger Beatle was fully absorbing what had just come to light. His heart had been hurting for so long, he felt a relief as his tears began to stop. Brian held him lovingly, overjoyed to finely get to the root of the issue. Ringo with Mister Epstein’s instructions, retrieved John from outside of the study.
Lennon eagerly rushed in and was taken back by the sight of Paul in their managers arms weeping.
“Paul!” John said a bit loud. Brian put his finger to his lips, as his head leaned over Paul’s.
“We just had a breakthrough.” The wise man said softly. He was stroking Paul’s dark hair, as he addressed Lennon. John walked over in a bit of a scurry and Paul instantly turned to his lovers embrace. To John’s surprise, the soft spoken Beatle kissed him openly and passionately. This was uncharacteristic of McCartney, he was usually too bashful to kiss a man anywhere other than behind closed doors, with no one else around.
Now the once shy man engulfed the face before him. Lennon was shocked, but thrilled. He had dreamed of Paul kissing him so publically and now McCartney was devouring his tongue in a frenzy. It felt so good, neither man wanted to ever separate. Then Brian interrupted the pair, taking John aside. Ringo approached Paul with open arms and drew his friend close.
“How are you feeling?” asked the drummer, who witnessed the entire spectacle.
“I don’t know.” The younger man answered, feeling disoriented.
“Its okay.” The smaller man assured. “That was a big step. I’m proud of you. I know that wasn’t easy.”
“It was so embarrassing.”
“Don’t feel that way. We are the people in your life who are here for you when you need to let it out.” The oldest Beatle gave his friend a hug. “God you had all that pent up for all that time.” He squeezed his friend close.
As Paul and Ringo conversed, Mister Epstein instructed John to bring Paul to the room they shared during their last visit together.
“What happened?” John inquired. “He has never kissed me in front of anyone.”
“He has come to accept that he is in love with you.” This blew John’s mind away. He came here initially to be there for George and Ringo, with no expectations of any personal gain.
“He is in love with me?” Lennon couldn’t believe it. Epstein nodded in response.
“He has been referring to himself as queer, make sure you correct him when he does this. He is bisexual and he needs to say it. “ the older man continued. “Take it easy with him, you two need to be together and sort out your feelings.” Brian told the Beatle clearly. “Be gentle in your words and actions, he is far too frail for conflict.” John agreed and the two walked over to Paul who was leaning on Ringo. “Paul,” the manager said in a relaxed manner. “John is going to take you upstairs to lie down.” The soft spoken man cooperated and left with his lover holding him close.
After the lovers exited the office, Brian gave an exhausted look at Ringo who stood quietly by the door. He was shy being the only patient left.
“Would you like George to join us?” the older man asked kindly.
“Yes, please.” The petite man answered. With a nod from his manager, Starr immediately went to the door to retrieve the lead guitarist. George entered curious to what had just transpired. Paul must have had some kind of breakdown, judging by the way Lennon so tenderly led the frail man up the stairs. Ringo seemed over joyed to see him, which warmed his heart, but he felt hurt too.
Mister Epstein was pouring himself and the other two a drink. He handed each of them a glass and sat in the lounge of the office. Ringo and George took their place on the couch, while the taller man returned to the arm chair. He even put his feet on the ottoman, as he was exhausted. Paul was not only difficult to reach, but his severe reaction to his attraction was most troubling. It was rather trying to a man who was very comfortable and happy with his sexuality.
“Is Paulie going to be okay?” asked the quiet Beatle.
“I think so.” Replied the manager. “He had a major breakthrough today, so hopefully we will begin to see some improvement.” Brian scanned the two men in his care. The oldest and youngest Beatle sat side by side of one another, both anxious about what was to come.
“Well him kissing John in front of all of us was an improvement in itself.” Ringo noted. This caused George to wince as he wasn’t expecting such news.
“He kissed John in front of both of you?” Harrison was sincerely shocked to hear what had transpired. He had tried to help Paul with his problems, but McCartney had such anxiety over the topic, it was hard to truly reach him.
“Yes “ answered Brian. “That was a big step for Paul, but now we still have the topic between you two that needs to be addressed.” Ringo looked nervous. He had carefully avoided his problem by shifting the focus on Paul. Normally the older man wouldn’t have allowed such redirection, but the drummer was able to reach Paul better than he could, which was quite remarkable.
George turned to look at his lover, while Starr had his head down, nodding to Epstein’s statement.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my fears.” The blue eyed man apologized to George, sincerely. “I feel terrible John had to be the one to tell you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” asked the lead guitarist.
“Because you deserve to be my first and I’m a coward for not following through.”
“You don’t have to do this.” George assured gently. “Just release me from our promise so I can try this with the others.”
“Of course I release you from it.” Ringo responded immediately. “I wasn’t trying to hold you back. I’m sorry, I didn’t think of it before your date with John. I really feel terrible I prevented you from having a good time.”
“You didn’t prevent me from having a good time. You did prevent me from trying something new, but I had a lovely time and so did John.”
“I’m glad.” Said the drummer meekly. “I wanted you both to enjoy yourselves.” He paused for a moment. “I still want you to be my first, when I’m ready.” George gave his lover a warm smile and reached out to hold the smaller man, who leaned in for the embrace. Ringo cuddled in the inviting chest, smelling the sexy aftershave that slightly lingered on the black shirt of his companion.
“You don’t have to save yourself for me.” Harrison assured. “If you only want to be a top, that’s fine. I love having you close to me.”
“I want to be close to you like that.” Ringo uttered hiding his face. It was the truth and George deserved to hear it.
“Then what is stopping you?” Inquired the younger lover.
“Fear.” the smaller man said from his enclosure.
“What are you afraid of love?” George asked gently stroking his bandmates soft hair.
“I’m scared of going mad, that it will hurt and that I’ll cry like a baby.” This admission rattled the comforting man, as it was similar to his strange dream. It was just a few nights ago, when Harrison and Lennon spent a day and a night in a cabin, on some private property owned by a friend. There George had the strangest dream of Ringo turning into a woman and recited those same fears to him. Brian noticed George’s shift in his mood. Going from understanding and sympathetic, to bewildered. Ringo continued. “Bri said I really am afraid of being vulnerable.”
“But Rich, you’re vulnerable right now.” His lover pointed out. The drummer sat up and thought about it. He then turned to his partner.
“Yes, you’re right, but we’re also not having sex.”
“Richard,” the manager interjected. “before the conversation was solely on your mate, you were discussing this matter. You turned the focus on to Paul, but now I want you to answer me. What are you afraid will happen if you were to breakdown during sex?”
“I don’t know.” Ringo answered honestly. “I just know that the idea scares me.”
“May I tell you what would happen if you did?” George offered.
“I really don’t want to think about it.” Starr responded slightly hostile. It reminded both Brian and George of Paul when he was stewing in his madness. They looked at each other from across the small table between them. The manager gave the youngest Beatle a slight nod to continue, regardless of Starr’s rejection.
“I would hold you close.” George began. “I would kiss you everywhere and tell you it’s alright.” The youngest man drew the man next to him near. “I would stop if you needed me to. I won’t be angry at you, its okay.” Harrison continued. “Rich, if you breakdown, it will be fine, because I will be there for you, like you were for me.”
“It just seems so degrading.” Stated Ringo as he sat up to look at George.
“You’re starting to sound like Paul.” Mister Epstein remarked. “What did you tell Paul when he called this very act undignifying?”
“I pointed out how sex is not dignifying, because you’re naked and stuff like that.”
“So why are you letting that stop you, when twice you have stated you wanted to try this?”
“Because,” the petite man began. “I’m sort of like a virgin. I kinda get Paul’s point about being a woman.”
“So you feel this act will emasculate you.”
“Do you feel you emasculated me?” asked Brian.
“Wait?” Harrison interjected, his head spinning as he twisted his neck side to side, to view the other two men in the room with him. He just couldn’t believe what was being implied. Remembering George wasn’t in the office when this admission came forward, Brian gave a gentle smile.
“Did Rich tell you about our affair?” the manager inquired.
“Yes.” George replied immediately, “but are you saying you let Richard top you?”
“I am.” The oldest man answered causally. “What of it?” The youngest Beatle didn’t know how to process this information. “I enjoy making love this way and I don’t let silly stereotypes scare me away from a good time with a beautiful man.” Mister Epstein looked over the drummer who bashfully smiled in response.
“I’m sorry.” Harrison stated, realizing how foolish he sounded.
“Don’t be sorry. I understand this kind of relationship can be stressful to men such as yourselves. You have an image to keep up with. All of you are in relationships with women and the burden of living a double life can lead to these insecurities. Social stigma, not withholding its demands requires extra caution in such activities. Then back to the drummer, the manager asked again. “Do you feel you emasculated me?”
“No.” said the blue eyes, as well as his lips. “but I felt emasculated.”
“Why?” Brian pried with concern. To Ringo’s surprise, he felt his face become flushed and tears trying to leave their ducts.
“Because I…” he gasped with heavy with emotion. George had his arm around the drummer shoulders, holding him, but letting him still face his manager. “I guess I saw that as the position of power, then I realized, I never had it with you.”
“Rich, just like I said the night of our beautiful affair, it’s not the sex that brings out submission, love or sadness.”
“It just brings it to the surface.” Added Harrison who had experienced this position with the three other members of their group. He kissed Ringo’s wet cheek in an act of comfort.
“Exactly.” Agreed Epstein.
“I’m sorry I felt that way.” Starr said remorsefully.
“Don’t be sorry and never be afraid to come to me with these problems.” Assured the counsel. “Why don’t you two stay the night. I already know John and Paul will likely not leave their room until morning. You may use the room you had last time.
The lovers stared into the lovers eyes and kissed deeply.
“Sounds like a plan.” One of them said. They were kissing so heavily, it was impossible to determine which of the pair uttered those words
Chapter 5: P.J.
John and Paul together, after Paul's breakdown.
John brought Paul upstairs to the room they made love in before. Paul was exceptionally affectionate, kissing John eagerly and cuddling into his chest. The older Beatle laid his lover down and laid beside him. He stroked the nearly black hair that curled about that baby face. Such a beautiful face, John couldn’t help but admire it.
“I love you John.” Paul whispered and reached in for a kiss. Lennon allowed it, but stopped as his partner try to loosen his pants.
“Not yet, baby.” John spoke softly. “We need to talk first.”
“John, I’m in love with you.” Paul responded. “I couldn’t stand to think of you as more than a friend or brother.” He became misty eyed, “but I am in love with you. I can’t pretend I’m not. I can’t fight it anymore…”
“shhhhh…” John eased the man by his side. “I know. I’ve always known.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” asked Lennon, puzzled to why McCartney would have any feelings of guilt
“For taking so long to accept this. For fighting it as hard as I did.” The bass player thought of his behavior towards Brian and his friends. How he tried to push them away than let them help him come to terms about his feelings for John. He felt awful.
“Its okay. This whole ordeal has been hardest on you. You internalized so much and for so long,” this time John kissed Paul, drawing him closer. He could feel Paul’s organ, swollen and ready for him, but the more composed companion felt his friend was just not in the right state of mind for sex. He broke away to ease the excitement below the belt, for both men.
“I’m not fighting it anymore!” McCartney cried. “I love you Johnny. I don’t think I could ever get married, because I can’t bear never being with you again.”
“How do you feel about yourself, in love with me?” asked the older lover. Paul didn’t answer right away, instead he sat up, took a deep breath, closed his eyes and slowly let it out. One of those meditation tricks George had been teaching him.
“I really can’t think about it right now.” Paul admitted. “I just realized I’m in love with you, and not just as mates who experiment together.”
“That’s how you saw us?” John pried. His companion nodded meekly.
“Yes and I now feel awful for feeling that way.”
“But why did you think so little of our love?”
“Because I hate myself for it.”
“I know with my baby face and a soft voice, I’m already perceived as effeminate. So I use it to my advantage to lure the birds, …” Paul trailed off. His mind fluttered in and out of different emotions and events that transpired.
“To reassert your masculinity. So you’re insecure about your view of what makes a man. You tie it in with your sexuality.”
“When I get married, I want to remain true and faithful. That’s why I tried to get all of this out of my system, because I never want to betray my wife.”
“and now?” pressed the older man.
“I can’t give you up Johnny.”
“Can you admit you’re bisexual?”
“You can consider me queer because I would give up birds just to be with you. I never felt like that for anyone, but I would if you wanted me too.” Paul petted his love’s hair. “I’ve never felt so complete until I made love to you. I hated the fact I wanted you more than women.”
“I don’t want you to give up women.” Lennon assured.
“Okay. I still prefer you.” Paul said sincerely, with tears in his eyes. “Our first night together was the first time I ever made love in my life and I never want it to stop.” John drew in his bed partner close, putting Paul’s head in his chest. Soon his lover laid heavy on Lennon’s body as the younger man drifted off to sleep. The emotional toll had drained the energy out of the soft spoken Beatle.
John laid there, looking at the light fixture in the dark. He thought of the dream, the red haired woman, the wedding dress and Paul walking out the door. These were his finial thoughts until he to succumbed to sleep.