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Hardison Ain’t nobody’s fool

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Originally posted on FanFiction.Net

Hardison ain't nobody's fool or is he?

Now Hardison knows that Parker and Eliot say that he likes it when he's being thrown off of a building or down an elevator shaft or even down a stairwell. But Hardison doesn't like it. He does not like it one little bit! Now really like he thinks they know he really doesn't like it and they do it anyway. So now.. well now the war begins.
Hardison wasn't very good at revenge when he was younger, or even when he first came on this team. Example: in their first job as a team he was just gonna send Debenich a thousand porno magazines. He has learned a lot since then. Thanks mostly to Nate and Sophie. Those two were very good at exacting revenge. Needless to say if he needed it, he felt he would have back up on his plan. That is once he made a plan.
He was circling the room trying to think of a plan. Then aha! Quickly sitting at the computer he would start to type. But then he would sit back, look at what he'd typed, shake his head and hit delete. Then start all over again. Circle, sit, type, delete, then back to circle.
He'd been doing this for several hours. Two of which Sophie was privy to. Watching him do this it was driving her mad. But the thing that was so very maddening was she didn't know why he was doing it. It wasn't for a job. They didn't have one and Nate had said they all could have two weeks before he would even look for another on.
Eliot had gone off on some “getting with nature rubbish.” Give me a hotel over a tent any day of the week she thought.
Parker had gone over to Europe to visit a few museums she hadn't seen in years and wanted to get up to date on their security measures.
Nate was just relaxing at home with his bottle and glass. Although Sophie had noticed that first night when they went on "vacation" that Nate's glass didn't really seem to ever get empty. Nor did that bottle of his. That's the reason Sophie hadn't gone off too. She was going to keep her eye on both of them, and on Nate. If she was right, and she was very seldom wrong, like never, Nate would be going through a severe time in the next few days. He was gonna need help. Someone who knew him and could keep that bottle away from him.
But Hardison, he had other plans. He was planning on getting his revenge while they were between jobs.
Sophie couldn't take his ritual any longer. So she said “HARDISON! Please stop that!”He looked at her and said “Stop what?”
“All of that.” was her response, while waving her hands about in front of Hardison.
Hardison said “you just waved to all of me, so you're going to have to be a little more specific than that. Just a smidge.” Her response was “Doing that thing that you've been doing for hours on end. Just what are you trying to do anyway?”
“Well I wanted to do this on my own, but I guess it won't hurt to tell you what I'm planning. Or trying to plan. First, you know how Parker and Eliot keep throwing me off buildings and such?” She nodded yes. “Well they know I don't like it and they pretending that they don't know that. So my plan is to get even with them. Both of them, with the same plan would be grand, but if I gotta do them separately I will.”
“Alright then” Sophie said “I'll leave you to your planning then. But if you do need help, I do love a good practical joke.”Followed by a evil wicked laugh that even Hardison found scary.
What she really meant was getting even with Eliot was dangerous on any level. But Parker that was just scary. Really scary. She was not about to get involved with any of that.
“Got it!” He said to her as she started up the stairs to try and find Nate.
So he got back to wracking his brain. Finally he decided it would be impossible to get them both together unless it was some childish prank, like a bucket of water on top of a door.
He wanted better than that for Eliot. Now Parker, she could be scary at times so he'd have to be careful with hers.
Eliot's he thought of first. Eliot loved his truck. Really loved his truck. So he was going to ruin his truck. So to speak anyway. After all he didn't have a death wish.
But he did know someone in stunt props, and another one in a body shop, so he was off and running.
The main idea was for Eliot to get into his truck and when he closed the door all the parts of the truck would fall off. Just like they did in the comedy movies.
First thing on the agenda would be to reno the garage. Otherwise Eliot would question the carpet on the floor. Like I said earlier he didn't have a death wish and dropping those part on the hard floor would damage them. This way the were protected. At least he hoped they were.
No walls moved, just manly the cabinets for tools and paints and such. You know a man cave type garage. Next off to enlist the help of his friends in the truck deconstruction part of the plan.
It wasn't easy, but they managed it. Within the time allotted too. But that didn't leave much time for Parkers. So hers would have to be evil, but simple.
Oh yeah! He had it. Same as Eliot, but hers would be done to her bunny.
Off he went to find a similar, very similar bunny. Again, no death wish. Destroying bunny even if it could be put back together would get him killed. Dead, body never found kinda killed.
It took a minute, but the perfect bunny was found. Next it would have to be roughed up. Made to look like it had been used for like twenty years and been through whatever.
After several times of running it through the dirt and then washing it out he had it almost perfect. But almost wasn't enough. Parker loved, I mean LOVED that thing so she would know everything that was wrong with it.
So, next thing was to make the same tears and repairs as her bunny had. Munched on ears and all. Stains here and there, then pop out one eye and done. Now all he had to do was deconstruct it. Make it look whole, but when she picked it up it would fall apart.
Now Hardison wanted to be out of the state or even out of the country when these things happened. But he wanted to witness their reactions too. So cameras were mounted all around the garage and around Parker's place too.
Next thing he did was leave a note for each of them at the office. A note that Sophie would give them the next day. Or if they were really mad, right after it happened. Then he went on his vacation.
Eliot was the first for him to get to see his revenge on. He went into the garage, noticed the upgrade and nodded his head. He approved. It was nice. Then, Eliot got in the truck, shut the door started to put the key in the ignition when it all fell apart. He just sat there for a second in disbelief. He couldn't believe what had just happened.
Then he thought about it. He remembered the carpet on the floor. First sign it was a prank. Second was the new cabinetry, they were very narrow for a garage. But it left lots of room for car parts to fall off. Third was the cameras everywhere. He was going to kill Hardison. Absolutely kill him. But then he smiled. It was a good prank. But it was his baby so the smile didn't last long. Then the scowl and growl came back. He faced a camera and said, “this had better be put back together. Put back together right. Before the next time I need this truck. Like tomorrow!” Then he stomped out of the garage.
Sitting on his couch to calm himself, he was torn. While he really applauded Hardison for the thought and time he'd put into this prank. It was a cool prank, if he'd done it to someone else that is. But he would need to get even with him.
Next was Parker. When she got home she put her things down, then headed for bed. Dragging herself, looking like she hadn't slept in a week. Plopped in the bed grabbed bunny then screamed when she fell apart. Then screamed and screamed and screamed some more. Hardison realized he had screwed up royally using her bunny for the prank.
Racing to his phone he called Sophie. When she answered all he said was “Get to Parkers NOW!! And take her bunny with you. It in the spare room. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.” Then he hung up.
Going back to the camera to watch Parker. She was still crying and screaming while picking up the pieces and trying to put them back together. She did this till Sophie got there. Hardison was crying himself by then.
When Sophie got there all she saw was the pieces of bunny on the bed. Then she knew what had happened. Hardison's prank on Parker had backfired on him. She handed Parker her real bunny and hugged her to console her. This is when Parker whispered to her she knew it wasn't her bunny that was ruined. She was just getting even with Hardison. So keep on playing it up.
Letting go of Sophie, Parker said I don't want a new bunny, I want my old bunny. Do you think the bunny doctor can save him? If I take him there right away? Then she started cry/screaming again.
Sophie hugged her again and said maybe. Then they gathered the pieces of the bunny and put them in a little bunny blanket and left. Once outside they both busted out laughing. Sophie told Parker “you really sold that in there. Hardison will not go near you for week at least. But for grifting, that's what you need to do. Just sell it.” Then they both laughed and went back to the office to sew fake bunny back together.
Meanwhile Hardison was almost hysterical himself. He was beside himself. While Eliot had been really angry, he seemed to almost think the prank was a good one. But Parker was totally different in her reaction. She'd been so upset she didn't even look at the real bunny and see it was a prank. She just kept crying and crying and crying. Now he was crying and crying. Then he thought of one. god. awful. thing. He was gonna have to run far far away and never come back. Eliot hated it, absolutely hated it when some one made Parker cry. He'd not only made her cry, she was crying hysterically and nonstop too. For over 30 minutes too. Yup he was a dead man. D. E. D dead. Eliot would search the ends of the earth looking for him.
What should he do now? Face the music and pray he only got a few broken bones, or run. He'd survive Eliot's truck prank but Parkers bunny prank? Nope not that one.
Who would of thunk it! A big truck falls apart, nothing happens. A little scruffy very old and used bunny falls apart and his world is in shambles. To top it off it wasn't even the real bunny. He knew better than to ruin that one.
Crap crap crap!!
Well, I've got a bag packed already so run it is. At least for a few days. Give them time to calm down. Read my notes that Sophie has. That should help some anyways.
He'd call the guys to put Eliot's truck back together ASAP and get it done, really done right. Maybe even throw in a few upgrades here and there.
But Parker, there was no fixing that one. He'd simply have to face her.
While on his mini vacation all he could think of was ways that Parker could kill him. Then ways Eliot could kill him. Needless to say he didn't get much sleep either. Because the same things were happening in his dreams too.
He couldn't take it anymore. He'd have to go face them. He went to the office but no one was there. Sheesh that was a good thing. At least he was in the door before he was attacked. Then he waited and waited for them to come in. He went into the kitchen to get an orange soda and he saw the letter from the hospital. Parker was put on suicide watch.
Oh, no!!! What had he done. Was all he thought, then he ran off to the hospital.
He was so upset when he got to the office and when he left that he didn't notice the laser beam on the door. You know, the kind that says someone came in or left.
When he got to the hospital he saw Eliot, Nate and Sophie all sitting there looking so glum. It broke his heart.
He slowly walked up to them and asked “how is she?” Eliot jumped up and grabbed him by his shirt and said “you got a lot of nerve coming here! Get out now!”
Sophie jumped up and said “Eliot! This is neither the time nor the place for that. We'll argue that one after Parker is back home safe and sound.” Nate didn't say anything. He just had his head in his hands. Looking so so unhappy.
Hardison sat down and thanked Sophie. Then asked again, “seriously Sophie, how is she.” That's when Parker popped up behind him and said “how's who?”
He turned around so fast that he fell out of his chair. That site caused everyone to laugh. Then Nate said “come on guys lets go.”
Hardison just sputtered “but but but...” so Sophie said “come on Hardison” and grabbed his hand tugging him along.
Hardison rode with Eliot back to the office while the others had gone in Nate's car. Every time he opened his mouth to ask or say something Eliot would just growl. So after a few times he gave up.
At the office Hardison finally got to ask his question. What was going on? Was Parker alright? Had she really tried to hurt herself?
They all just glared at him. Finally Parker walked up to him and said, through squinted eyed and her forefinger poking him every few words. “Don't you ever! And I mean ever! Think about hurting my bunny! You got that Hardison?” He just nodded his head, so she asked again, “you got that, Hardison?”
This time he answered, “yes momma I got it. I'll never, ever touch your bunny again. But your alright?” He asked her. “Of course I'm alright. You didn't think I was really upset cause you tore up some random bunny, did you?”
“But, but the paper said you was on suicide watch. I saw you screaming on the camera.” Hardison replied to her.
“I know Sophie said. I was good wasn't I? Sophie said I could of gotten an Oscar for that performance. Don't you know by now that any prank you try to pull on me, will always backfire on you? Tell me, how long we're you crying, How many nightmares did you have of either me or Eliot killing you. See it backfired. Then she left to go sit on the couch with the Frankenstein bunny.”
Eliot said “the prank you pulled on me, was just mean! You'll pay for that someday. But they put her back together really good and the upgrades are awesome.” Then punched Hardison in his arm, hard! Then followed Parker to the couch.
Nate and Sophie just looked at him and shook their heads. Sophie spoke up then and said “playing a trick on Parker is like playing Russian roulette. I wouldn't ever recommend it.” Then they too went into the living room. Leaving Hardison stammering again. But he finally said “I'M SORRY!”
Parker turned to look at him and said “we know. Now are you coming to watch the movie or not?”!He just shrugged his shoulders and said “why not.”Grabbing the soda he'd wanted earlier he went into the living room and sat down to watch the movie. Oh god they were watching Revenge of the nerds. Great! just great! he thought. Then took a handful of popcorn and drank his soda. While he watched the movie he was wondering what Eliot was going to do to him to get even.