5 months ago I told you I was surprised I didn’t absorb you in the womb. 10 months ago you told me you’d give me your heart if mine didn’t work anymore. 2 years ago I told you that we don’t need any friends as long as we have each other. 4 years ago you swore I’d be your best friend forever. 5 years ago I told you if anyone would ever break your heart again I’d hurt them. And now it seems like I’m the one breaking your heart.
You’re my soulmate. You’re my other half. You’re my life and my breath and my heartbeat. You’re my happiness and my light. And now the worst thing ever happened and I can’t even talk to you about it. I’m broken and my heart stopped beating and it hurts to breathe and it’s not your fault but you’re not there for me and that IS your fault. I want to be there for you, but I need someone too. I don’t want to be mad at you, but I am. I’m so angry at you for shutting me out. I’m angry that you act like this is my fault too. I’m mad because you’re not my sister anymore and suddenly you seem to hate me.
And I can’t have you hate me because if you hate me, that means that everyone hates me. I have no one Sterling. I only had you.
Mom likes you more, that makes sense now. She chose you. She didn’t choose me, she had no choice. Dad likes you more, you don’t ask so many questions.
April has always liked you more, I’m not even worth acknowledging.
Luke has always liked you more, he just tolerated me for you.
Ellen likes you more, the sweet, innocent girl.
Maybe the worst one is that I like you more.
I love how you just walk up to people you want to talk too.
I love the way you think.
I love the way you’re always optimistic.
I love how you always have a plan and dive in head first.
I love how you always follow your heart.
I love how you have everything I don’t have.
And it hurts.
The words are like a punch in her gut. Or maybe more like a knife through her heart. Whatever metaphor it is, the point is the words hurt her so bad. Sterling is reading the letter in her therapist’s office, too scared to be alone when reading the words from her- from Blair. She takes a deep breath trying to keep the tears in.
Okay now comes the part where I forgive you.
Sterling. I forgive you for not being there for me in a hard time.
And I forgive you for not being able to look me in the eyes and call me your sister.
I forgive you for shutting me out.
But please, please let me back in.
Now there’s really no use holding back the tears. She cries for herself and for Blair. For their loss and their pain. She talks with her therapist for the remaining time and feels simultaneously heavy and light when she leaves the office.
When Sterling steps outside she checks her phone before going back home.
I’m sorry for freaking out about the thing with your therapist yesterday. Hope today went okay. Let me know if I can do something.
It’s alright, I understand. Thank you though, it went fine. But maybe some distractions would be nice?
Sterling knows what she’s doing is wrong. She knows she needs to tell April first, she can’t just go build something up just to break it down again. But she also desperately needs someone in her corner.
At home, Sterling knocks at Blair’s door.
“I read your letter and Also I have a better apology and also I have an apology for my last one because I realize that wasn’t an apology at all and I just-”
“Breathe Sterl, if you don’t breathe you don’t get to apologize at all.”
Sterling takes a deep breath and sits down on the bed next to Blair.
“First of all, I’m very sorry for what I said the other day. It’s not fair of me to put my pain on you and to not understand the situation you’re in. I shouldn’t have said any of that. And I’m sorry for my first apology and again for not understanding your side of things.
Blair, I read your letter and God it hurt me so much. I love you more than the world, and I keep thinking you already know that but I think you might have forgotten because of me. I love you Blair, you’re my sister and my twin and we will forever be that way. I know that I haven’t made it easy on you and I’m so sorry for that and I really want to be there for you too. I just don’t really know how to do that yet, but maybe you can tell me what you need? I can’t promise I won’t screw up again but I can promise you to try my hardest to just be us again.”
About halfway through her speech, her emotions caught her voice and watered her eyes and by the end she’s full on crying. Blair isn’t in a much better state and they cling to each other and hold each other like they hadn’t done in so long.
“God I missed you.” Blair’s shaky voice whispers.
“Yeah I really missed you too.” Sterling manages to get out.