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Plant yourself into my heart

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Sure she basically begged their (her) parents to go to therapy. But she thought she would see a hot therapist with glasses and tattoos. A therapist who listens to her problems and then gives her solutions for said problems.

She didn’t really count on a woman that could’ve been her mom. A woman who definitely listens, but also interrupts her to ask her hard questions to make her look deeper than she likes. A woman who makes her feel like her soul is wide open and makes her tough girl demeanor shatter. A woman who doesn’t give her solutions but looks at her until she comes up with a solution herself. But to be fair she does have glasses and a butterfly tattoo on her wrist, so she got 50% of what she wanted.
And it’s hard, it’s so hard. It feels like everything is just getting worse instead of better. All the feelings of sadness and anger and hurt bursting at the seams.

There’s also Sterling of course. Their therapist told her she needs to let Sterling go a little bit. Sterling isn’t her responsibility and Blair is allowed to have feelings too (Not her responsibility, allowed to feel things) (not her sister). Not only is Blair allowed to have feelings but she is also learning to let her feelings be known to the masses (her family) which is harder than it seems. Blair wishes she could say it wasn’t because of Sterling, but unfortunately it really kind of is (Okay and a little bit from repressing her feelings for a while).

So yes everything about this therapy situation is hard and she can’t even talk about it with her favorite person, because her favorite person is being a selfish asshole right now.

After their fight in the park Blair goes home, tries to run up to her room but gets stopped by their (her) dad. For a second she tries to pretend she’s fine, but a soft hand of her shoulder and a look in his eyes make her break down in his arms. He wraps her in his arms and she sobs into his shirt. When she can talk again she asks “what is it never get’s better?

“What if what never gets better Blairsy?”

Tears well up in Blair’s eyes again “what if I never feel happy again and I lose Sterling and nothing will ever be normal again?”

“Oh Blair… Listen to me okay? You know the saying ‘it gets worse before it gets better’? You’re coping and grieving and processing so of course all the feelings are going to be there. And you and Sterling will get through this, she loves you so much Blair. And no nothing will ever be as it was before. But we’ll make our new normal, we’ll get new traditions you girls will keep growing and we will all learn how to deal with any of this. That’s what life is about, you take change and you adapt.”

Blair hugs him a little tighter  

“I never knew you were so smart dad.”

“Well that’s what life does to ya! Hey how about you go blast some music and unwind a little before dinner? And if you wanna talk some more just let me know.”

 

After a very tense dinner, shitty apology and a sleepless night Blair decides to the therapist’s assignment. She said that yes, Blair does need to try to see the positives of the day and yes, she shouldn’t talk herself down so much, but she also need to acknowledge those hard parts. So she told Blair (and probably Sterling too) to write letters to all the parts of herself and her life that she doesn’t like. What those parts of herself do to make her feel the way she does, why she doesn’t like them. The parts of her life that suck and are hard to think about, write to them like it’s a strongly worded complaint. And forgive them. Forgive the things for happening. Forgive the parts of herself for existing and maybe she’ll actually start to feel a little bit of that forgiveness.

The entire day she doesn’t leave her room. Their (her) parents put food in front of her door. They ask her is she’s okay. But they don’t push, something they’ve been getting better at. Blair tells them she’s having a hard day and would like to be alone, something that she’s been getting better at. She writes and she writes until her wrist aches and her fingers are blue and her pen is empty.

 

Dear depression,

 

You suck. I hate you with everything I’ve got. I hate that I can’t even feel that I hate you. I hate that you make me feel numb and I hate that you make me want to sleep all day long. I hate that I need to listen to screamo music or break my own heart or hurt my family just to feel anything. I hope you die but unfortunately I only really feel like I want to die.

You make me feel so safe in my room, under my covers. You make me feel like the best time to be alive is when I’m asleep. You kidnapped me and now I can’t find myself anymore.

And I miss myself, so much. I miss being passionate and loving. I miss being energetic and upbeat.

Please, please, please just leave me alone and let me be myself again.

I forgive you for being in my life right now. I know this is a hard time you’re a good wake up call for me to actually work on myself.

I forgive you for being in my life. I did some things because of you I’m not very proud of, but also some things that are really cool.

I forgive you, you’re a part of me. We can live together and even though I’ll be working to get rid of you, maybe until then we can try to be friends?

I wish you all the best (but leave me alone),

 

Blair

 

 

Dear mom,

 

Why did you have to lie to us? How could kick Sterling out of the house for having sex with someone she loves if you couldn’t even tell us the truth about her? Why did you deny when we confronted you? Why did you have to act weird and secretive? And most of all. Why, why, why did you raise us as twins? Why not just sisters? Do you know how much harder it is to go from two halves of a whole to nothing than from just sisters to nothing? You stole my other half and I really don’t know how to deal with that. Why did you raise us to be honest and brave and independent if you couldn’t handle us being all those things?

Why did you raise us to be an us if we’re not? Why did you raise me to always talk for me and Sterling when she’s not my twin and I’m just gonna lose her? I don’t understand and I’m so angry. All I see when I look at you is Dana and Sterling turning out like her and leaving me and us. All I see when I look at you is that nothing will ever be the same and I can never trust you again because you lied for so long.

But I’ll forgive you for lying. I understand that this secret was a part of your life you really hate talking about. I also have things I’d rather not talk about.

I forgive you for kicking Sterling out that one time, because I know you only want the best for us.

I forgive you for raising us the way you did, because I know because of that we can get through this.

I forgive you for pretending Sterling is my twin, because I love her more than anyone ever.

I love you,

Blair

 

Blair cries a lot and she writes a lot more letters, letters to her anger, to Dana, to her dad, to her therapist. When all the letters are done she only has the hardest one left.

 

Dear Sterling…