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Return to Me

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I knew Hawkeye would’ve wanted Father Mulcahy to do his funeral. I just wished it wasn’t so soon. He seemed to have been better, but I guess he wasn't. I just wished he didn't do this to himself. He always seemed so happy after the war, but I guess there was a hidden side that he didn't want anyone to see.

I knew what I had to do, and that was to call everyone (except Frank), and tell them what happened. I pulled myself together for those calls, but after they were over, I fell apart. I just couldn't believe that he's truly gone. I had just had dinner with him less than a week ago. He promised that we'd have dinner again this weekend. Now, all I have are memories. But one thing's for certain, you can't put your arms around a memory.


The service was abut to begin. I dressed my best, and tried to hold myself together. I scanned the room,and saw that I had invited all of our friends, and even Father Mulcahy. Margaret, Radar, Colonel Potter, Sydney, and Klinger came to the reception. I even got to meet his dad. He was very nice, but very emotional. It was understandable. They all comforted me, but when it came to watching the casket get lowered, I almost lost it.

Everyone said their last words to him, and bid me luck. Margaret made me feel slightly better. But, it wasn’t the same. Everyone left, except Mulcahy, but I was allowed privacy.

I kneeled down beside Hawkeye's grave, and smiled.

“Hey Hawk, it’s me.” I smiled, looking at his name. I ran my thumb over his name.

I held back tears. “I, uh, brought you these.” I gently laid down some flowers.

Just like that, tears fell onto his grave.

“I miss you. I miss you so damn much.” More tears fell.

“I don’t know if you’re listening, or if you’re even able to listen, but, you meant so much to me. From the first day that I met you, til the day that you weren’t…here…anymore.”

“Hawk, wherever you may be, I hope you’re well taken care of. I, um, need you to know that I’ll always have wonderful memories of you. The way your eyes sparkled when you drank, the way your nose crinkled when you laughed, how we danced with music playing. So many more. I never got the chance to say this to you before, but, Hawkeye…I love you. I loved you so much, it hurt. I can’t say it to you, alive you, that is. I love you, Hawkeye.”

“Bj, you may want to leave in a few minutes, if you want to catch your cab, that is. I tried to buy more time with the cabbie, but he’s a piece of work.”

“Thank you, father.”

“Everything okay, Bj? I mean, aside from Hawkeye being gone, that is.”

I blinked back my tears, and cleared my throat. “Everything’s fine, father. I-I just miss him.”

Father Mulcahy kneeled down beside me, and said, “Bj, Hawkeye felt that this was a way for him to finally be free.”

“But why did he have to do it this way?! Why would he leave me alone?! H-he could’ve called, written, done something! I-I…” I burst into tears.

Father Mulcahy pulled me into a hug, and just let me get my emotions out.

“I know, my son. Sometimes things don’t work out, and sometimes life isn’t the kindest. I think Hawkeye just felt very alone.”

I nodded, and slowly pulled away.

“Thank you, Father. Really.”

“Of course, my son.”


Father left after he checked with me.


I knew that I had to leave due to my cab, but I didn’t leave without looking up at the sky, and saying, “hey Henry, take good care of him for me, please.”