April knew Sterling was bad news.
Her excitement, her recklessness.
The second Sterling kissed her, April knew she should walk away.
And she tried, walked to the door.
Head spinning, lips tingling.
The sensation of kissing a girl lingering on her lips.
But she couldn’t resist. She locked the door.
Locked out her fears and kissed Sterling.
She couldn’t help it, even if she knew she was getting herself in trouble.
She could feel the hope growing in her chest.
The hope for something similar to happiness.
She went home, drove past expensive houses, big cars, gardens with pools.
To the place she was supposed to call home.
The big house, not a sign of any personality to be found.
She thought about kissing Sterling.
About how she could never repeat that.
About how she would never be able to stop.
Her ride home felt like a horror movie.
She knew what was coming.
She was late, she felt happy.
It wouldn’t last.
Everything was shattering and it was her own fault.
In her bed, her thoughts kept swirling.
Going over everything that happened.
Wondering what she missed.
How this happened.
It wasn’t possible.
Sterling gave her away.
Sterling was impulsive and cold.
Sterling didn’t care for anyone but herself.
So why did she kiss April?
Why didn’t April walk away?
When did Sterling change?
She should forget about this girl
And her lips
And her hands on her cheeks
And her eyes
As quickly as possible
She kept repeating the same words to herself.
When she woke up
When she made breakfast
When she drove to school
And finally when she saw Sterling
And it almost worked,
Until it didn’t
April tried to shut Sterling out
She tried, but felt her resolve crumble
The flicker of hope in Sterling’s eyes resembling the one April felt in her heart.
For a few glorious days
April didn’t hear the voice in her head telling her to run away.
She let herself be vulnerable and free.
So of course everything had to come crashing down.
She was mad, so mad at herself when she saw her dad standing at the door.
After the first terror had left her body she could only be mad at herself.
Mad for getting herself in a position like this
Angry for having to break her own heart while breaking Sterling’s in the process.
It was her own fault.
She should’ve seen this coming
She should’ve stopped this before it started.
She pretended it didn’t break her to watch Sterling’s face fall.
She held her head high and dismissed Sterling.
She flirted with Luke and pretended she wasn’t thinking of Sterling.
She held her head high and didn’t look at Sterling.
But then their song came on and Sterling looked at her with so much pain in her eyes that April’s façade broke for just a second.
She ate her pizza and flirted with Luke
The music became louder
Sterling ran out of the room and April broke.
She walked out to find the girl whose heart she was breaking.
On the bench she got herself together.
For herself and for Sterling.
Sterling asked and questioned her and finally she found her voice.
As she talked, she saw Sterling’s eyes water, face hardening.
She was shattering two hearts and it was her own fault.