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2021-06-24
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2023-05-08
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6/?
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A Happier Season

Summary:

Abby Holland and Harper Caldwell might be in love, but they've never quite been on the same page. Then Harper's ex, Riley, befriends Abby and it seems as though they might end up on exactly the same page.

Notes:

Eventually, there will actually be a happy ending! I just have to write a little angst firstl

Chapter Text

  Abby chewed on her lip as she looked across the kitchen table at her girlfriend. She’d done so so often that now her lips were chapped, dry and prone to bleeding. Despite her worry, she had kept silent. Whatever was bothering Harper, she would tell her in her own time. 

  The silence was palpable. Things hadn’t been right since they had both moved to be closer to Harper’s family.  Abby could tell something was wrong. Harper was definitely keeping something from her. She lowered her head. She really didn’t want to ask, but they couldn’t carry on in the denial that everything was fine. She couldn’t keep lying to herself. Harper would never be ready without a little pushing. With a heavy sigh, she lifted her head so that she could look into her fiance’s eyes. “Harper, what’s wrong? You’ve been distant ever since we moved. When you do talk I just feel like you’re mad at me. I’ve gone over and over in my mind and I can’t think of anything I could have done.”

  For a moment, Harper’s eyes widened, but she soon recovered a calmer expression. “Nothing. Everything’s fine.” Her quick, clipped response suggested otherwise.

  “Oh. Okay.” Abby shrugged, although she wasn’t about to just let the matter slide. The lie was disappointing. Every problem they had in their relationship had stemmed from Harper being too afraid to be honest. Her spoon, which had been gripped tightly in her fingers, clattered against the table. Breakfast had suddenly become very unappetising.  “I mean, I thought we’d learned a lesson around pretending everything’s okay when it’s not.” She shrugged again before mumbling, “If you think that’s best though, whatever.”

  Harper’s brow furrowed. Abby felt soft, searching, eyes imploring her to let it go. Harper grabbed the edge of the table as it became clear that Abby wasn’t budging. Her grip made the tension she was feeling apparent. She couldn’t quite meet Abby’s eyes as she rushed out the thing that had been bothering her. “I don’t like that you’re spending so much time with Riley.”

  Abby laughed, although it was quiet and full of sarcasm. “Excuse me. What?”

  “We moved so that I could spend more time with my parents and sisters. Not so that you could spend more time with Riley.”

“So, what, I’m not allowed to have friends?” Abby shook her head. She’d been able to forgive a lot; able to understand some of Harper’s choices. However, controlling behaviour was something she would never tolerate. “What do you want me to do when you’re busy writing?”

  Harper rolled her eyes. “You’re allowed to have friends, Abby. You just don’t need to be friends with my ex.”

  “Oh. Okay. Cool. I get it. I’ll just go make some guy friends. Oh,” Abby paused, a finger in the air, as though a thought was only just occurring to her. “No, wait. You probably still fucked them too.”

  Harper was silent, her lips parted slightly. The words had hurt her. It wasn’t a fair thing for Abby to say, and she knew that.

  “Sorry.” Abby stood, getting ready to walk away from the argument. She knew she’d gone too far and didn’t want to make things any worse. “That wasn’t..” Embarrassed, she awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck with her hand. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just don’t see what the problem is.”

  “The problem is that,” for a moment Harper buried her face in her hands, looking embarrassed by what she was about to say. “Riley likes you, okay? I feel like a teenager again even caring about that. Which is why I hadn’t said anything.”

  “What? No,” Abby shook her head as a blush crept onto her face. “You’re wrong. Besides, I’m not, it doesn’t go both ways. I love you.”

  “So, we agree?”

  “Oh, no. No, we do not agree. Riley is literally my only friend here. Everyone else still thinks I’m a common criminal. Plus you’re my girlfriend, not my mom.” 

  “Abby, I...please?”

  “If you can’t trust me,” Abby twisted her engagement ring from her finger and threw it down onto the table. “Maybe we shouldn’t be getting married.”

  “Yeah,” Harper nodded, despite the tears that had begun to slowly trickle down her cheeks. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

  “Hey,” Abby said softly. She’d never meant for that to happen. She’d never meant to make Harper cry. She was about to go to her, wipe her tears away with her thumb and tell her that she loved her and everything would be okay. She stopped herself, though. She couldn’t keep giving in every time Harper cried. “I’m going out.”

  “Abby, wait. This is stupid. Please, just,” she picked up Abby’s ring and held it out to her. “At least put this back on. Please?”

  “No. I’m done. I’m out.”




  Riley hadn’t been expecting Abby to call her, but she certainly hadn’t been disappointed when her name flashed up on her screen. A few minutes later and she was sitting across from her in their usual haunt. Her eyes narrowed as she observed a tense Abby, who gripped her coffee mug so tightly that Riley was afraid it might shatter. Her red eyes also alerted Riley to the fact that Abby had been crying.

  “I think this is probably a really stupid question,” Riley said as she dropped a cube of sugar into her black coffee and gabe it a stir. She needed to do something with her hands. Anything to distract. Anything to stop her from grabbing Abby’s hands and telling her that whatever it was, it was okay. Whatever it was, she would fix it. No. She had to stay calm.  “Because the answer is very clearly no, but are you okay?”

  Abby shook her head. “I think I just ended things with Harper,” she mumbled. 

  “What?” Riley spluttered as she stopped stirring her coffee, although her fingers still gripped the spoon. “Why?” 

  “Things have been off between us since we moved.” Abby shrugged. She looked tired. To Riley, she looked like someone who had simply given up. “Today I finally asked what’s going on and she insisted that I cut contact with you because apparently you like me. Which is obviously crazy.”

  “Oh,” Riley nodded. “Yeah, totally. Totally crazy. Harper is just insane in the brain, alright.” She smiled, although it was really more of a grimace than a smile.

  Abby nodded, then twisted her fingers together, something Riley had noticed she did a lot when anxious. “Do you forgive Harper?” Abby questioned, out of the blue. “For, you know, outing you to protect herself?”

  Riley’s answer was immediate. “Yes. Absolutely. She was a teenager and she was scared. And, honestly? If it had been the other way around I don’t think I could say I wouldn’t have done the same. I’m gonna guess you don’t? For lying to you about her family, I mean.”

  “You wouldn’t have. I’m not sure whether I do or not. I thought I did.”

  Riley chuckled. It was nice that Abby thought so much of her, but she had definitely grown a lot since her teenage years. Really, it was a shame that she found herself unable to say the same of Harper. “That’s nice that you think that, but you didn’t know me then.” She sighed. She was in a fight with herself, struggling to make sure that her words held no bias. “This is probably a super biased opinion, but how Harper treated you was wrong. She’s an adult now. To force you back into the closet without a word of warning was absolutely not okay. She had reasons, but reasons are not free passes to treat people you care about like crap. If you’re struggling to forgive her for that, it’s valid. You’re valid.”

  “I thought I was over it,” Abby said slowly, obviously still processing how she felt, “but she still keeps things from me. I don’t think I can be with someone who won’t talk to me unless I force the point. That’s not how I roll.”

  Riley nodded. Her expression was neutral, but then for a moment her brow furrowed, betraying the consternation that the conversation caused. “Abby, I don’t think I’m the best person for you to talk to about this.”

  Abby didn’t speak, but raised her eyebrows, waiting for further explanation.

  “Harper isn’t wrong.”

  “Oh,” Abby said softly. “That complicates things”

  “No, it doesn’t,” She blurted out, desperate not to lose Abby’s friendship.  “I can see how much you love Harper, I would never come between you two. I just can’t promise that any advice I give you isn’t tainted.”

  “Oh, yeah. No, I get that. Fuck.” Abby rested her forehead in the palm of her hand.

  “You good?”

  Abby shook her head

  “Do you need me to go?”

  “No. It’s just, you’re really the only friend I have here and, really, are you gonna wanna stick around to be just my friend?”

  “Hey, hey.” she leaned across the table and grabbed Abby’s arm, gently pulling her hand away from her head, “Look at me. Yes, I am attracted to you. I am not, however, about to go home and start writing poetry about how heartbreaking it is to see you with another woman. Chill out.”

  “Okay.” Abby chewed on her lip. “But what if I said it’s a mutual attraction. What if I said right now I want to, i don’t know, take you out to dinner right now. Wine, dine and sixty-nine.”

  Riley had chosen an in opportune moment to take a sip of her coffee, and found herself choking on it a little as she heard Abby’s comment. “First of all, there will be no sixty-nining ever. Secondly, if that’s the best pick-up line you have, I don’t think we have anything to worry about. Thirdly, no.”

  “No?” Riley was sure that she heard disappointment in Abby’s voice, but it didn’t matter. 

  “I actually value our friendship. Tomorrow you’d wake up, realise how much you love Harper and hate me for ever allowing you to jeopardize what you have with her. You’re not thinking clearly right now and I’m not taking advantage of that.” It was tempting though. So tempting.

  “I was only kidding.”

  “No, you weren’t.” Riley shook her head. “You’re angry and you’re looking for ways to act out. I am not that desperate.”

  Abby shook her head “Maybe you’re half right, but I wouldn’t ever just use you. I do, uh. I am attracted to you.”

  “Yeah? Who isn’t?” Riley asked, followed by a smirk.

  “Straight women?”

  “Wrong.” Again, the smirk.

  Abby smiled for the first time during the whole conversation. Riley wasn’t too sure whether Abby believed her or not, but it was nice to have an air of mystery.

  “Hey, Abby?”

  “Yeah?”

  “While the sixty-nine is a hard no, I’m not opposed to wine, dine and supine. If things with you and Harper really don’t work out.” She was smiling, but her face fell as she realised Abby wasn’t wearing her ring. It had been nice to pretend for a moment, to tease. However, the missing ring made everything feel very real. “Abby, where’s your ring?”

  “I was mad. I took it off when we were fighting.” She shrugged. “It was stupid.”

  “Please don’t throw everything away over something so stupid. Don’t fight over me. I’m really, really not worth it.” Riley grabbed up her bag and rose quickly “I, I have to go. But call me, okay? Let me know,” her voice broke, but she cleared her throat and regained her composure, “let me know how things go.”

  Riley felt like she couldn’t catch a breath as she left the cafeteria, moving as fast as she could. Once outside, she leaned against the wall of the place, trying to ground herself, trying to slow down her breathing. She tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

  For so long she’s refused to allow herself to be vulnerable. The way in which Harper had forced her to come out had left her unable to ever really trust anyone to allow for anything more than a one night stand. She didn’t let people in; she didn’t let people have the chance to stab her in the back. With Abby, she had a strong sense that she was going to end up hurt and it wouldn’t even be Abby’s fault. A happy ending in any capacity wasn’t on the horizon. She knew that. And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to just walk away. As stupid as it might be, she felt a need to see their friendship through to it’s bloody end.

Chapter Text

Having forgotten to pick up her keys when she stormed out, Abby found herself ringing the doorbell to her own home. It was a little embarrassing, really. She had a hard time pressing her finger against the button and hesitated several times before doing so. Abby knew she hadn’t acted in the most mature manner. Tearing her ring off, going straight to see Riley. It was stupid and crazy and she found herself struggling to think why it had ever seemed like a sensible idea.

The door opened, far too slowly. Abby held her breath, unsure how Harper would react to her return.

Harper said nothing, which somehow felt worse than if she had yelled. Her arms were folded. Her eyebrows were raised. Abby knew she didn’t deserve such a calm welcome.

Abby pushed a few strands of her hair behind her ear before bowing her head and shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her jacket. The silence was awkward, as Harper’s eyes bored into her. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

“It’s okay,” Harper admitted with a shrug of her shoulders. “I have no right to tell you who to spend time with. I just wish you hadn’t stormed off as you did. I also wish we’d admitted to ourselves earlier that things just aren’t working out.”

Abby’s brow furrowed. She wasn’t sure exactly when they had admitted things weren’t working out, but it hardly mattered. She licked her lips. Anxiety had caused her mouth to suddenly become very dry. She didn’t know whether to be honest or hide the truth in order to smooth things over. Of course, lies had never helped their relationship. “Can I come in?” She asked stupidly, as if she didn’t live there.

Harper nodded then moved to one side to allow Abby access.

Abby walked in and headed for the lounge. “Come sit with me?”

Again, Harper nodded. Still, she was silent. She seemed distant, her face was very pale. Abby knew that nothing good was about to happen, but she made the decision then that whatever did happen, it would be as good as it possibly could be.

Sitting on their small, leather sofa felt rather too intimate for the inevitable conversation. Pushed close together, it almost felt as though things could be okay again. It almost felt as though they should talk about how their relationship could move forward. No. It would only delay the inevitable and cause further pain in the long run. Still, despite this she still took a hold of Harper’s hand, although she perhaps gripped it much more tightly than she ever had before. Harper didn’t object or try to stop her.

“I have to be honest. I just met with Riley and uh, it was kinda stupid, considering what we just fought about,” she chuckled, it suddenly occurring to her how ridiculous the situation was. “You weren’t wrong.”

Harper looked surprised, her eyes widening. “I didn’t realise that’s who you’d gone to, but I should have known,” she sighed. “It’s fine,” Harper said, although her quiet, melancholic voice suggested that nothing was really fine. “We both know that this isn’t just about Riley. This is about us just not working any more. I’ve always been really good at being who the people I’m around needed me to be. Since I came out to my parents I’ve been trying to just be more me. I’m not saying you should just go straight to Riley and start something with her. But um. God, this is so embarrassing,” she rolled her eyes, looking up at the ceiling for a moment. “When we met I could tell you needed someone with an edge. Someone who wasn’t afraid to just take the bull by the horns, you know? That’s not really me. So I used to ask myself what would Riley do? Riley is literally perfect for you. In some ways she’s who you fell in love with, and that’s why I got so freaked out to have her suddenly around again.”

“No. I fell in love with a version of you, not Riley. I don’t love Riley. I haven’t even known her long enough to say that. I’m really sorry that you didn’t get to come out in the best way. But, like. We can work through that together. I’m willing to go to therapy with you. Anything” She couldn’t help it. Despite having told herself no, she ended up trying anyway. Agreeing to therapy was a big thing for Abby. She’d been when her parents had died and found the whole process so contrived. She’d been unable to be open in such an environment and after hours of stilted conversation with a clearly frustrated therapist, she had sworn never to attempt such a thing again.

“Oh, Abby.” For a moment Harpers gentle tone made it seem as though she was going to say yes, but then the other seemed to come to her senses. “We have to let each other go,” she said as she glanced towards their hands, hers still clasped within Abby’s. “It’s really stupid of us to try to cling to something that’s never gonna be what either of us wants it to be. I love you, but it’s like we’re running perpendicular. So, so close. But we’re never quite gonna be in exactly the same place at the same time.”

“I love you too,” Abby’s voice wavered.

“Do you? Or do you love a version of me who doesn’t exist any more? A version who you hope to see every day. Do you love me, or are you just waiting, hoping things are gonna go back to how they were? They’re not.”

“I don’t know.” Abby shook her head, suddenly feeling very lost and confused.

“Well, I do,” Harper said as she pulled her hand out of Abby’s. “I also know that we’re ending this now, before we hate each other.” Now it was time for Harper’s voice to break. “Cos I don’t think I can handle you hating me,” she said in a whisper before wiping away her tears.

“I would never hate you,” Abby declared passionately, sounding almost angry that Harper thought such a thing could ever be possible.

“You would. Eventually. Give me your hand.”

“I don’t...no.” Even with her mind made up, she still fought against it. Of course she did. She was terrified of being left all alone again. Alone in the world with no clue how to be alone. Of course, this time would be different. This time she would know what to do. Not that it made the pain and fear any less.

“Yes.” Harper slipped her engagement ring from her finger and pressed it into Abby’s palm, along with Abby’s own ring which she had been carrying in her pocket. “Take them. I want you to have them. We had some good times. Remember those. You don't have to give up this place or anything, either. I’m gonna move in with mom and dad for a bit.”

Abby sighed, before standing. “I need a minute,” She said as she felt her chest tighten and suddenly the simple act of breathing felt almost impossible.

Alone in the bathroom, Abby clung to the sink as she stared into the mirror, wondering how on earth she had gotten to where she was. She was far too old to be looking for the right person. Too much longer and she really was going to wind up alone. And then she realised, she wasn’t upset at losing Harper, simply terrified of the prospect of being alone. That’s when she knew that the decision was correct. Any doubts left. She had her moment. She shed a few tears before splashing some cold water into her face, taking a deep breath and going back out to face something that would be so very difficult whilst also being exactly what both of them needed.

“You need any help packing?” Abby asked brightly as she unclasped the necklace she wore and slid the two rings Harper had given her onto it. The brightness was slightly forced, but it showed how she intended to continue. She wouldn’t dwell. She refused to act sad, even though her heart was just a little broken. She had loved Harper once, afterall. The least she could do was be amicable, even if they wound up not being friends. “Not that I’m trying to rush you.”

“Oh, God, yes please. If you don’t mind. You don’t have to.”

“No, but I want to. Like you said, I don’t hate you. Yet,” she added with a wink.

Harper smiled, then her eyes narrowed slightly as she hesitated. “Are we sure this is the right thing?”

“Were you happy?”

Harper shook her head.

“We both deserve to be happy. So yeah,” Abby chewed on her lip, her vow to not be sad wavering for a moment. “This kinda sucks. But it’s the right thing to do.”

Chapter 3

Notes:

TW: This chapter briefly touches upon suicidal ideation

Chapter Text

Months had passed and Abby had kept to herself. Working, mostly. She had managed to find employment as an art gallery manager. She considered herself lucky. She knew how many people didn’t find jobs even remotely linked to their chosen fields of study. But she had. Her life may have been fucked. She may have been alone, and she may have been certain that the universe had decided for her on the day her parents had died that alone would be her destiny; but at least she had a job. So she couldn’t complain, right?

Neither Harper or Riley reached out to her during those months. Harper because there really wasn’t much to say. They’d both moved on from a relationship that had never been destined to work in the long run. Riley because she was smarter than that. Abby was sure she just knew that she just needed her space to recover and move on from her previous relationship. To immediately continue a friendship with someone who had been a big part in the collapse of that relationship seemed as though it would be dooming that friendship to fail. As much as some days really sucked, as much as some days Abby felt as though she had no one in the world and would have loved nothing more than to just fall into Riley’s arms and cry and have her friend back she knew that she couldn’t. They both wanted more. And to have more, to give into that lust so soon would only lead to destruction. Abby wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t fall into the clutches of a self-fulfilling prophecy. As much as she may have believed that to be alone was her destiny, she still had to cling on to some hope. Hope that if she at least tried to do the right things that maybe one day someone would stay. Because if she didn’t cling to that hope, if she didn’t kid herself that perhaps there was some kind of possibility, she would be right back to where she had been when her parents had died; in hospital; deemed a risk to herself; wondering what the point of living was if only to be alone; no one needed her. The world wasn’t built to be lived in alone, so it was just hard to see the point. So she had to. She just had to keep believing, because she didn’t want to die.

Eventually, though, Abby felt ready. Terrified, but ready. She felt ready to reach out to Riley to see if the doctor had any interest in resuming their friendship.

Her fingers tapped furiously against her phone, typing a message to Riley, which promptly got deleted. It was perhaps the tenth message to have gone the same way. Abby was nervous; jittery; hyped up on coffee and really just unsure of what to say. Her leg bounced up and down before she sighed and cradled her head in her hands. She knew she was over thinking things. She knew she just needed to calm down. A deep breath and then she laughed as she remembered this wasn’t Harper. She didn’t need to write an essay. There wouldn’t be questions. There just wouldn’t. Because Riley … she just always seemed to get things without being told. So, finally, Abby sent out the perfect text. ‘Hey’

The response was almost instant. ‘Hey! What’s up?’

‘I miss you’

‘My place. Tonight. Bring wine. Bring ice cream.’

Abby was no longer nervous as she rang Riley’s doorbell but excited instead. It felt as though perhaps their friendship could reach new grounds, but she didn’t care. It didn’t matter. As long as she hadn’t lost her friend in all of the mess, she couldn’t be happier.

The door opened to a Riley she hadn’t seen before. Hair a little dishevelled, dressed in a kimono, no makeup. Still, Abby had to admit to herself that even so she was still attractive. In fact … Abby chewed on her lip, wondering if perhaps Riley was perhaps even more alluring in the relaxed state rather than the suits she had become used to.

“Hey. Hi. How are you?” Riley asked as she took the wine that Abby held out.

“Um, I’m good? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Fine. Confession though, I started on the wine already.”

“Oh. That’s fine,” Abby shrugged. “How’ve you been? It’s been a while?”

Riley hesitated for a moment “Oh, you know me. Work hard, play hard. I’ve been good. Never better.” She smiled her easy, charming smile and Abby forgot that for a moment she’d felt that nothing was okay. “More importantly, how have you been?”

“Kinda miserable. Could be worse. Can’t complain really.”
“Abby, break-ups suck. You’re allowed to complain.”

“No. No, I don’t wan’t to be morose, you know?”

“Well, tonight we chill. Wine, ice cream, trash TV; make fun of the Kardashians. Tomorrow night, you’re gonna live. We can go out and do something fun and crazy. If you feel up to it.”

“Yeah,” Abby nodded. “Yeah. Totally.”

“Come on. It’s been too long,” Riley said as she lead Abby into her lounge.

The evening proceeded as Riley had predicted. It was almost as though nothing had changed in the time that they had been apart. Which was a relief. Abby felt herself able to breathe easy again for the first time in a while. In a moment of silence she was looking up at Riley, thinking about how even though everything was normal, there was still an air of things unsaid. They both wanted more than friendship; that was no longer a secret. Abby didn’t quite dare bring it up though. Destroying the first feeling or normalcy she’d had for months to try to quell the feeling that perhaps things weren’t quite normal just wasn’t worth it. Apparently for Riley it was.

“You terrify me.” Riley announced out of the blue. Her voice was quiet in a way that Abby had never heard it before. Abby was so used to an air of confidence from Riley. This side of her was confusing, but almost nice to see. Riley was vulnerable. She wasn’t, perhaps, as perfect and as impenetrable as she had always seemed.

“Excuse me? How? I’m like, tiny. If anything, I should be scared of you,” Abby retorted, smirking, looking up at Riley from her place on the floor. Riley had tried to get her to sit on the sofa with her, but Abby had always found comfort sitting on floors. She wasn’t even sure what it was. There was just something about being on the ground that had a calming effect.

“Oh, fuck. I think maybe I overdid it a bit on the wine. No, no. I didn’t mean … absolutely, I could kick your ass if it came to it. I meant that I care about you so much that it scares me.”

“Riley? Are we good?”

“Good? Why would we not be good? Do you … do you not think we’re good?” Riley shook her head, sighing “I fucking knew it. This is too soon. You need more time. You need to … to … you need friends who you don’t wanna fuck. I’m not gonna be your rebound.”

“Whoa, okay. How much wine?”

“Enough.”

Before Abby really knew what was happening, Riley had slipped herself off the sofa. “Enough to do this,” she said before leaning in, kissing Abby, one hand on the floor to hold herself up as the other reached up and slipped open a couple of buttons of Abby’s shirt.

For a moment Abby melted and gave in to what she’d wanted for so long. She allowed Riley’s lips to brush against hers; allowed frantic, drunken fingers to pull at the buttons od her shirt. Then she realised that it was an awful idea. She didn’t want a few moments of pleasure. Not if it meant ruining any future friendship or relationship she could ever have with Riley. “Whoa, hey. No. Not happening,” Abby said as she pushed Riley away.

“Why? I thought…”

“Not like this,” Abby said, shaking her head. “I…” She reached over, her thumb gently grazing Riley’s lip. “I want to, but slowly and soberly. And … call me old fashioned if you want, but let’s have a few dates before we get into each other’s pants. I just really don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“Abby, I haven’t dated for a long time. It’s not … I don’t … Relationships aren’t my thing.”

“Oh? How long?”

“Since Harper.”

“Holy shit.”

Chapter Text

There were not many times in her life when Riley could say she had ever been embarrassed, mostly because she didn’t really care what anyone thought of her but also because she had her shit together. Usually, she was calm and composed. Yes, she had fun but never anything she’d regret the next day.

Around Abby, though, she was … a mess. Nervous, jittery, excited? This wasn't anything that she wanted. She didn’t want a relationship.

She wasn’t exactly sure why she was with Abby, shopping. Sporting a hangover, she wore sunglasses to fend off the bright light of the store. Instead of her usual suit or T-shirt and jeans, she wore a two-piece tracksuit. Still, an unexpected Abby had still smiled and said she looked good when Riley had answered her door earlier. “So, Abby,” Riley rubbed her temple with her free hand as she examined a bottle of perfume. Her head throbbed, but it was her own fault. She had polished off another half bottle of wine once Abby had left shortly after her revelation. “Why are you here? With me? Not that your company isn’t always a pleasure.”

“Oh. Is this not okay? Are we not good? I didn’t realise…”

“We’re good. I’m good,” Riley placed the perfume back on the shelf and turned her attention back to Abby. After all, she had only been browsing because she didn’t quite know how to look the blonde in the eye. “I just thought after last night that you wouldn’t want to be around me.”

“Why?” Abby shrugged. “Nothing happened. I said no, you stopped. Not exactly the crime of the century.”

“Well, I guess not. I just expected you to want to avoid the awkwardness. I mean," she paused, raised an eyebrow "you’re already awkward as fuck.”

“You are so…”

“Lucky I’m hot?” Riley asked, smirking a little as she started to slowly walk down the aisle of the store. She glanced around, uneasy, unable to understand why Abby had wanted to bring her to a department store.

“Uh, yeah,” Abby sighed and rolled her eyes. “Pretty much the only reason you get away with so much shit.”

“So, seriously. Why are we here?”

“To … shop?”

“Abby, I drank more wine last night than I’ve drunk since college, so if you have no other reason for me to be here than to shop I swear to God I will hit you so hard that you’ll feel hungover too.”

Abby didn’t answer. Just stared at Riley before looking at the ground, clearly uncomfortable.

“Hey," Riley stopped in her tracks as Abby had and placed a hand on Abby's arm "I’m kidding. I would never hit you. Ever. I’m sorry.”

“I know. It's fine." Her eyes fell to Riley's hand and her body stiffened. "I was just trying to think how to answer without sounding weird. I just wanted to see you. Somewhere neutral. You know, not awkward. So we can just walk and talk and no one is invading anyone’s territory.”

“Plus you know that I think that PDA is gross," she quickly dropped her hand away from Abby "That’s the real reason. Gotta make sure I keep my hands to myself.” She was joking. At least she thought she was. She had meant to be joking, but even to her own self, her voice sounded snappy.

“Riley…”

“Abby?”

“I already told you, it’s fine. I just, uh, how come you haven’t dated anyone since Harper? Have you not met anyone you wanted to date?” Abby’s head was still bowed as she started to walk again, her arms folded. The pretense of shopping had been forgotten. “Cos I can’t believe there’s been no one who wanted nothing more than to fuck you. Cos you’re … just fucking amazing. Sorry. I’m shit with words.”

“There’s been people. I’ve cut them out when I’ve seen them getting too doe-eyed. Because, um, I can’t trust anyone. What Harper did to me, oh man, it sounds so stupid. I never really gotten over it. I’m terrified. Terrified of letting anyone in. The kindest of people can be so cruel, given the right circumstances.”

“Harper?” Abby scoffed. “The kindest of people? Harper is a manipulative liar. She’s improved. But Riley, whatever perfect relationship you thought you had before she decided that she was more important than everything was never perfect. She still always puts her needs first, by the way. It wasn’t my idea to move to this shitty town. Kinda glad we did though. Anyway, I’m not Harper. I’m not gonna lie and I would never throw you under the bus.”

Silence. Until they both blurted out desperate words at the same time.

“I don’t want to date you.”
“I don’t want to just fuck you.”

Abby grimaced. “I think … yeah. I’m gonna … I have to be somewhere.” Her voice cracked as tears threatened.

“Abby, don’t. Don’t go.”

Riley was left watching Abby walk away, though. In that moment Riley was sure of one thing. She loved Abby; craved her. She wanted to touch her; to connect. To kiss - lips, peppered down her jawline; her neck. She wanted all of that. She wanted to fuck Abby. That wasn’t new. That wasn’t scary. The scary thing was that Riley wanted Abby to still be there the next morning. She wanted to hold her, and to whisper into her ear how much she loved her and she wanted … breakfast.

“Abby,” She called out, her voice choked. Abby didnt turn, though. Perhaps she didn’t hear her. Or perhaps she was just angry, and rightly so. Perhaps it was about time Riley grew up. Perhaps it was time to leave the scared, humiliated highschooler behind and finally act like an adult. All those years she had blamed Harper. All those years she had treated people so badly and pushed people away for no good reason and told herself it was okay because she herself had been treated so poorly so long ago. Perhaps it was time to wake up to the fact that this time the pain she felt, the way it felt as though someone had crushed her heart, had been caused by no one but herself.

In that moment she woke up … Harper had hurt her; devastated her. She had stolen her right to come out in her own time on her own terms. Difficult for an adult, for a child traumatising. But the pain she had felt then was nothing compared to the pain she felt at the thought of losing Abby. The painful truth was she did want it all. She wanted a relationship, but she was just scared.

Riley had never believed in soulmates, but if for argument's sake they were real, she was pretty sure she’d just lost hers. But Abby would listen, Riley was sure. If she told her she’d changed her mind. It could still work out. Couldn’t it?

Riley watched Abby walk away, wide-eyed, hoping that it could. Because she wasn’t sure that she would ever find anyone else. She shook her head, trying to shake such a stupid thought. If she was finally ready there could be someone else. There was no such thing as soulmates; love was only chemicals, or so she'd always forced herself to believe.

Chapter Text

“I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious we both want different things, John,” Abby sighed as slowly pushed the edge of the knife which she had a tight grip on into an onion; slowly because she wasn’t much of a cook and she didn’t want to lose a finger. She was trying to get better, though.

John’s voice came from her phone, set to speaker. He sounded judgemental as usual. “Abby, exactly how long have you given Riley to come to terms with this? Like, you have given her a couple of weeks before walking away, yes?”

Abby didn’t answer, just continued to chop her onion.

“Jesus. So you’re throwing away what could potentially be the best relationship you’ll ever have because you couldn’t bare to give the poor girl five minutes? From where I’m standing it sounds like she’s just scared.”

“I can feel you judging me,” Abby replied, her knife moving faster as John’s words began to irritate her in that way that often only the truth could.

“Good. Remember what we talked about before? Not everyone gets to come out like you did. Riley isn’t past the trauma of what Harper did to her. When trust is broken like that it can take a long time to be ready to trust again.”

“I remember. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not being fair to her. But I gotta be fair to me too. What if I wait and wait and she never is ready?”

“What if you don’t wait and you meet someone else who you just settle for? Are you willing to settle for the rest of your life because you couldn’t be patient?”

“I don't know, John,” Abby answered before the knife slipped from her fingers and she used the back of her hand to wipe away tears. The tears weren’t real, of course. It was the onion. At least, Abby could tell herself that. “I think maybe it was all just really stupid from the start. My fiance's ex? It’s messy and I think maybe this is for the best. You know?”

“Yeah, maybe. Listen I need to go.”

“Okay, bye,” Abby said, before realising that John had already ended the call. She sighed, then rolled her eyes. It wasn’t unusual for him. Obviously something else had taken his interest. “Fuck,” Abby muttered as she felt a sting in her finger; blood. She hadn’t even felt the knife nick her skin. John’s astute observations were far more painful than any physical laceration ever would be.

 

Abby stared at rows of instant meals in front of her, wondering exactly what she should buy for dinner when she became aware of a presence directly behind her. Feeling very uncomfortable she felt for her keys in her pocket before spinning around to face whoever was lurking behind her. “John? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I came to see you. It’s been a while.”

“Okay but, specifically here. In this particular Walmart. You’re still tracking me, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Abby, I’m still tracking you,” John shrugged, as though the fact was no big deal.

“I’m pretty sure that’s illegal, you know.”

“Don’t care,” John said with an air of nonchalance before grabbing a meal from the fridge and passing it to Abby. “Speed dating.”

“What?” She asked, taking the meal and slipping it into her cart without even looking at its contents.

“You’re going speed dating.”

“Oh God,” Abby laughed. “No, no. I’m not. I’m not the kind of person who goes speed dating. I’m the kind of person who laughs at people who go speed dating.”

“You mean that you’re a mean person.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re usually with me, also laughing at people stupid enough to put themselves through torture.”

“I’m shocked and offended that you would think so lowly of me. You must be mistaking me for someone else,” John rebuffed as he gasped and placed his hand over his chest.

Abby rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. You know you’re super annoying and high-key creepy, right? Remind me again why we’re friends.”

“Because, Abby, I’ve always saved your butt when you’ve been about to do something stupid.”

“Fuck. Fine. Why?”

“You need to move on. And you’re right. Speed dating is stupid and for the desperate. But you’re set on not seeing if things can ever work with Riley. Sure, you’ll hate it and probably won’t meet anyone worth knowing but at least you’ll put yourself out there and show yourself that you’re moving on.”

“This sounds like a really stupid idea.”

“Tell me that you haven’t wondered if leaving Harper wasn’t a mistake. Tell me that you haven’t throught about rekindling that relationship and tell me that that doesn’t sound even more stupid.”

Abby licked her lips. Eyes fell to the ground. She folded her arms. “This speed dating thing. When is it? Where is it?”

“Saturday, starts at 7. It’s in some hall. Can’t remember the name. Just google it.”

“Great. Thanks John. That’s real helpful.”

 

Riley was curled up on her sofa, alone, watching television when her doorbell rang. She felt a pang of excitement. She wasn’t expecting anyone. It could have been Abby. Sure, she was ignoring all of her calls and texts but … that didn’t stop her from rushing to the door and holding a hopeful smile as she threw it open. The smile quickly faded as her eyes took in a man who seemed vaguely familiar. “Can I help?”

“Riley, it’s been a while. We met that one Christmas. You know, when Harper came out to her family.”

“Oh yeah, I remember. Not exactly easy to forget. Never really understood why Abby chose to stay with Harper after that shit show,” Riley said bitterly. She knew she had no right to be bitter. She’d had her chance and thrown it away. “It’s Jack, right? How do you have my address?”

“John. Oddly enough I have gone by Jack before, though.”

“I really don’t think I want to know the story behind that. Is everything okay? Is Abby okay?”

“Oh, yeah. She’s good. I just need your help with something.”

“Something being?”

“I’m organising a speed dating event. I’m getting a bit nervous that it’s gonna be a monumental fail because I just don’t have the numbers. So I was wondering if you could come along, just fill a seat. Play a part. No need to go play happy families with anyone at the end of the night. Hell, you don’t even have to be nice to anyone. Throw a drink over someone for all I care. It’d keep things entertaining.”

“Haven’t you asked Abby?” Despite her panic, Riley kept her voice even. The last thing she needed was to agree to go and run into Abby whilst there. It would be painful, to say the least. “Surely she would be the first person you’d ask.”

“Naturally. She’s busy. And you know her. It’s really not her kind of thing.”

“I don’t think it’s really my kind of thing either. Sorry John,” Riley’s hand raised to the door, about the close it but John placed his hand firmly against the door.”

“Please. It’s a work thing and I have, like, zero contacts in the area. I can pay you.”

“You’ve never taken no for an answer in your life, have you? How much?”

“I usually get my way. One hundred.”

“Per hour? I’m in.”

“No, not…”

“So when is this thing?”

“Saturday at 7. The place is called … it was something stupid. Pretentious,” John pulled out his phone, scrolled through a few things. “Ah. Harmony Place. Told you, stupid.”

“I know it. I’ll see you there.”

“Oh, I won’t be there. I’m running things behind the scenes. And you’re not being paid one hundred per hour, Riley.”

“It was worth a try,” Riley grinned. “I’ll see you around, I guess?” Riley looked rather bemused as she closed her door. It was one of the stranger favours she had ever agreed too. But, being in a funk since her last exchange with Abby it seemed like an excuse for a night out was a good idea. Even if speed dating was awkward and lame, Riley was sure she could hook up with someone. Her heart may have been aching, but she had to move on somehow.

Chapter Text

Abby was nervous. Of course she was. Anxious was her default setting anyway and speed dating was something far out of her comfort zone. She wasn’t entirely sure why she’d decided to listen to John, but she had. So here she was, nursing a drink, scanning a slightly darkened room, full of people who actually looked like they knew what they were doing. If they knew what they were doing then surely speed dating wasn’t a great way to meet anyway, Abby found herself thinking. Not that it mattered. She was there to shut John up, not because she actually wanted to meet anyone. So she took a deep breath and approached someone, a woman much older than her. “So, uh, do you do these things a lot?”

“Things?” She replied, her eyebrows raised.

“Speed dating.”

“Oh, yes. I take it this is your first time?”

“Uh, yeah. And probably my last.”

“Why? More importantly, if you feel so negatively about this evening, why are you here?”

“I kinda got bullied into coming.”

“Oh sweetie, life is too short to waste time doing shit you don’t wanna do. And anyone who makes you do it? They're not a friend.”

“No, he is. He’s just worried that I’m … you don’t care about that. I just wondered how this whole thing works.”

“Oh, it’s easy. In about,” she checked her watch, “ten minutes everyone will be asked to be seated. Every five minutes or so a bell will go off and you move to your left. I know five minutes doesn’t sound like long, but it’s long enough to know whose bed you want to be in at the end of the night,” she reached out, smoothed out the collar of Abby’s waistcoats. “I already know I can’t wait for our five minutes.”

“It … it’ll be an interesting five minutes,” Abby glanced around the room, not wanting to make eye contact. She wasn’t there to flirt, and it wasn’t like she’d ever exactly enjoyed being the centre of anyone’s attention. She gasped a little when her eyes fell upon Riley, walking towards her.

“You, go prey on someone else, and you. Please explain to me why you’re here. I’ve called, texted, turned up at your door when I know you’ve been in. You’ve made it pretty clear you don’t want to hear me out. Which is fine. Whatever. But are you really moving on so quickly? It didn’t seem as though you were exactly turning down any advances.”

“No. No, Riley. I’m not here to meet anyone. Why do you care so much anyway? You’re here too.”

“Only for John. He needed more people, so -”

“Wait, what? John has nothing to do with organising this. At all. Fuck. I’m gonna kill him.”

“Let me guess, you’re here because of John too?”

“Yeah,” Abby sighed. “I think this is his fucked up way of playing cupid. I’m so sorry. I swear I didn’t know.”

“Wow. Abby, it’s okay. I wouldn’t be super mad if his plan ended up working, though.”

“What’s the point? We want different things.”

“No we don’t. We both don’t want to be here.”

Riley was smiling now, which Abby found to be irksome. She wasn’t entirely sure what there was to be smiling about. It wasn’t anything to be joking about. “True, but you know that’s not what I’m talking about,” she muttered.

“What I said before? About not wanting a proper relationship? That was fear talking. So, are you gonna do this?” She gestured around the room. “Spend five minutes speaking to a bunch of morons, whilst feeling awkward the whole time, or are you gonna leave with me? Right now. We can go to dinner, somewhere nice. And we can just talk. Please? I know I messed up, but…” Riley didn’t even get a chance to finish her sentence.

Before she knew what she was doing, Abby was kissing Riley. A deep, passionate kiss, as hand came to rest on the small of Riley’s back. She nipped gently at Riley’s lip. Their noses brushed together as heads tilted and Riley parted her lips slightly to invite Abby’s tongue to meet hers, to entwine … the feeling was electrifying. Not the kiss itself. Sure, it was great, but what the kiss signified made Abby’s heart race. It made her feel giddy. Riley was saying yes. But Abby gasped and pulled away at a sudden realisation.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Riley asked, as she gently pushed a loose piece of hair behind Abby’s ear, her eyes full of concern.

“Everyone’s watching us. You know that, right?”

“I hope they enjoyed the show,” Riley shrugged.

Abby didn’t quite have Riley’s level of ambivalence when it came to PDA. Embarrassed, she looked down and scuffed the floor with the toe of her boot. “Riley, I always knew. I knew from the first time I saw your face.”

“Oh, okay Etta.” Riley laughed

“Shut up,” Abby retorted as she playfully shoved Riley’s shoulder.

“I felt it too.”

“So what does this mean? How do we…”

“Hi. I’m Riley. I’m a doctor. This place blows. Wanna get out of here and do something actually fun?”

“You suck at speed dating. But yes. Yes, a thousand times yes.”