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very normal human behavior

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Having days off were just as much of a blessing on Earth as they were back home. Perhaps more so. Actually, Technoblade considered, it was considerably better now that Quackity and Karl flirted. Ever. Single. Day. 

He wasn’t exactly sure how human courting rituals worked, but he’d learned what the word flirting meant, and now knew exactly what it looked like. He was vaguely horrified by it, honestly. They were menaces to society, that’s what they were. They were particularly menaces to Technoblade and made his day miserable. He had no idea if Quackity even liked Karl or if it was just another tactical move to make Technoblade miserable every single day. It had been going on for over a week with no sign of stopping. He’d only made it worse when he added Sapnap to his roster to flirt with. Somehow that was even worse than flirting with Karl. 

Quackity was a fool but a determined one. He was probably outside right now. Well, probably not, he considered after glancing at the window. It was like eleven thirty, so he’d probably already followed Tommy to work. 

Of course, that didn’t mean that the rest of the idiots weren’t out there. He was pretty sure he’d seen George sleeping in the bushes when he walked by the front window. 

He was contemplating going out there to harass them a little bit when Phil burst in through the back door. He was obviously occupied with the papers in his hand, and Technoblade didn’t see any need to interrupt him. The guy was busy and Technoblade was having a peaceful breakfast. 

Of course, Technoblade felt kind of awkward. What if Phil was just ignoring him? Or what if Technoblade wasn't supposed to be down here? He could be but what it- 

“Oh!” Phil exclaimed suddenly, nearly dropping his stack of papers in surprise as he looked up and noticed him for the first time “Technoblade you scared the shit out of me!” 

“I was just sittin’ here?” Technoblade said slowly. He was just sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal. Wilbur had shown him how to eat it and it was a pain in the ass to eat, since you had to pour the almond juice (almond milk is what Wilbur called it maybe?) in the bowl first before the cereal, and it made a huge mess, but he actually did enjoy the human meal. 

He didn’t enjoy much humanity had to offer, but that was one of them. Technoblade had already painstakingly copied down the ingredients for the Cheerios so that the scientists back home could recreate it after they invaded and probably destroyed the Earth

“I just didn’t see you there, nearly gave me a heart attack,” Phil said with a grin, before flopping down at a chair across from him, in his seat. Apparently, humans had assigned seats? Technoblade wasn’t sure but Phil always sat in the same spot at dinner, then once at Puffy’s, when Tubbo had dragged all of them over, he’d sat down in a chair, but Tubbo had gotten angry because it was his seat? 

Technoblade was baffled by the territorial nature of humans about seemingly random things. It made no sense. 

“I was just eatin’ the cereal,” Technoblade said, then paused “I mean, I don’t fit on top of the counter as well as Tommy or Wilbur, but I figured eating at the table was okay?” 

Phil squinted at him, then shook his head “I’m not even gonna ask, mate,” 

Technoblade was relieved at that. He’d never seen Phil on the counter, but Technoblade had also never seen Phil eat much cereal at all. Technoblade had called it an investment after Wilbur grudgingly let him try some. 

“Anyway,” Phil said, “How’s your day been so far?” 

Technoblade shrugged, slurping the almond juice up. “It’s been fine, glad I didn’t have to leave and get harassed by the hu-the agents outside. Or Quackity,” 

Phil hummed “They’re a bit annoying sometimes, aren’t they? I think they mean well though,” 

Technoblade squinted at him. Or he tried. He wasn’t sure he had that human facial expression down just yet. “They tried to break into Wilbur's room. I mean, it would have been funny, since Wilbur is annoyin’ but still. What if they try my room next?” 

“Nah, Dream almost broke a leg earlier,” Phil said “They won’t try it again. Probably. ” 

That was not reassuring. But- “What? Broke his leg?” 

“Yeah, I mean he fell almost two stories. It was only because he landed on Sapnap’s back that he didn’t break a bone. Lucky bastard, if you ask me,” Phil said casually, rifling through his papers again. “He’d have been in a cast for weeks- and probably still would’ve hung out in our yard while it healed,” 

Human bones broke? Technoblade knew that many species could break bones easily, like Witherlings, but that meant they had to be very, very careful about what they did. Technoblade had only heard of a few Piglins who had broken bones, and those had all been dead within days, due to the extent of other injuries. But of all the species Technoblade knew of, the only species that could heal broken bones were creepers, and they could only do it when they had to undergo the painful process of rebuilding their entire body after an explosion. 

But human bones could just… be fixed? Technoblade had to sit there with that somewhat horrific realization as Phil continued to talk in the background like he hadn’t just completely shattered Technoblade’s idea of how the invasion would go. 

“, I mean really, Techno, can you believe that?” Phil asked, looking at Technoblade expectantly. 

“Uh, I… can you repeat the question,” Technoblade asked hesitantly “I didn’t hear you I was too busy, uh, eating cereal,” 

“Ah,” Phil said with a nod, understandable. But I said that I couldn’t believe that some woman was on a podcast I listen to saying that aliens aren’t real! Or that they’re only microbes I mean, what the fuck was she doing? Fucking bullshit ,” 

“I mean… are you sure aliens are real?” Technoblade asked. You know. Because he was lying. It was probably best to just deny everything. That’d definitely work out. 

Phil groaned “I forgot you don’t believe in aliens,” 

Technoblade shrugged awkwardly. It was awkward because he didn’t like Phil being upset with him, for some reason, and also because he wasn't exactly sure he could pull off the movement quite right as a human. 

“I mean really, “Phil pressed, leaning forward “The universe is huge Technoblade and ever-expanding! You’re really telling me that there can’t be any other forms of sentient life out there?”

Technoblade hoped that he wasn’t making a face that let Phil know he was lying. “No? I mean I guess I don’t know, but there isn’t any proof of it is there?” 

Well. Besides the fact that he wasn't from Earth, but Phil didn’t know that, okay? 

“It’s not about proof,” Phil said adamantly “Besides, there have been so many sightings of aliens over the years, it has to be true! And, not to mention, I’ve picked up multiple odd signals lately- I’m getting close, Technoblade. You’ll see! I swear, there are aliens out there-” 

“Phil, stop harassing the poor guy,” Puffy said, as she entered through the backdoor “I could hear you through the door,” 

“I’m just-” 

“Nope,” Puffy said, cutting Phil's protest off as she collapsed into the seat beside him. Phil frowned, but didn’t look too upset “Technoblade is trying to eat. If you wanna talk shop with someone, Tubbo had some suggested updates for the system if you wanna go talk to him,” 

Phil narrowed his eyes at her, then dropped his papers to the table “Damn you, you drive a hard bargain. Fine!” Phil got up abruptly, heading for the door, then paused, “ But Technoblade, don’t forget what I said!” 

“Okay,” Technoblade agreed, even though he was pretty sure Phil didn’t hear it since he was already out of the house,

“Sorry about him” Puffy said, but she was smiling “He’s a bit passionate,” 

“I’ve noticed,” Technoblade said dryly. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, and normally Technoblade didn’t mind when people talked about stuff- unless it was Wilbur or Tommy- but it was so awkward when Phil was trying to convince him aliens existed. “It’s okay. He’s- Phil is nice, just a little obsessed” 

“He is, on both counts,” Puffy agreed, “But, Phil is also one of my closest friends, and people- people tend to misunderstand him. Or they’re off put by him,” 

Technoblade wasn’t sure how people were really off-put by Phil. Of the humans he knew, Phil was far more tolerable than most of them combined. 

“I mean, he just believes in aliens,” Technoblade said “That’s not that unusual. Is it?” 

“He believes more than the average person,” Puffy offered “You don’t think it’s weird? Or annoying?” 

“Honestly I think Wilbur’s the weird one in this house. Tommy’s the annoyin’ one,” Technoblade corrected. “But, I guess I didn’t realize that Phil was too into it. I just figure the guy had a hobby. Why is he so into it?”

“That’s a personal question Technoblade. I know the answer, but it’s not my place to tell you. You’ll have to ask Phil if you want the answer,” Puffy said, shaking her head. 

“Fair enough,” Technoblade said with a shrug. He’d probably ask Phil, later. He was curious now after Puffy said that. He’d just kinda assumed that he’d messed up, by sayin’ that he didn’t believe in aliens on that first night and that most humans believe in them. Apparently, he was better at the whole undercover thing than he thought he was. “As long as it isn’t a violent reason, I’m sure it’s a good one. Hey, even if it is violent Phil can get a pass,” 

Puffy hesitated a moment, “Listen, Phil’s harmless, but….he has trouble connecting sometimes. People don’t really like his whole alien thing, and as much as I didn’t want you around at first, I think you- and the other two- you’re good for Phil. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you at first” 

Technoblade blinked slowly.  “It’s… okay?” 

Puffy offered him a small smile. “It’s really not. I jumped the gun. I thought you were dangerous, Technoblade, I mean, really I thought you were from a prison gang-” 

“Hey, I’ve never been to prison,” Technoblade protested. He had joined a gang briefly but hated it so much because their rules sucked that he’d destroyed it from the inside out. 

Puffy laughed “Yeah, I see that now. Honestly, you're the furthest thing I can imagine from a hardened criminal, especially with those outfits you wear,” 

Technoblade frowned, glancing down at the billowy white shirt that he’d picked out, and the dark red pants with gold trim, before looking back up at Puffy“What’s wrong with my clothes?” 

—----

“Uh, can I help you, man?” Jack manifold looked half asleep leaned against his doorframe in the mid-afternoon light. If he had any more hair Tommy imagined it would be all messy and shit like Wilbur’s was in the morning. “Timmy, right?” 

“I literally was in your house fucking two days ago, bastard” Tommy complained. He and Tubbo had gone over there to hang out. Really Tubbo just wanted to do a few dubious experiments on his laptop that had a good chance of the government tracking his IP address, so he figured it was better to use Jack Minfold’s internet. 

They hadn’t told him about that, exactly, but Jack had only shouted a bit about it and hadn’t kicked them out or anything. 

Jack cracked a grin then “Yeah I’m just fucking with ya Tommy?” 

Tommy groaned “Bitch. You’re a right bitch Jack Manifold,” 

“It’s my specialty, especially for annoying little shits like you,” Jack said “But what’s up, man,” 

“I-listen, can I just come in? It’s rude to leave me standing on your steps and shit,” Tommy hedged.

“Alright whatever man,” Jack said, opening the door “I mean, it’s kinda fucking rude for you to just show up unannounced but-” 

“You should simply have known I was coming over,” Tommy said brusquely as he pushed through the door 

“How the fuck could I know that,” Jack protested as he shut the door behind him “I’m not fucking psychic,” 

Tommy shrugged as he flopped down onto Jack’s couch. It was kinda a shitty couch, but Tommy could make sacrifices for this “Simply get good,” 

“I could kick you out right now,” Jack said flatly, even as he took a seat beside Tommy. 

“You won’t though,” Tommy said “I’m simply too poggers to be kicked out,” 

“I still don’t know what that fucking word means,” Jack complained “You’re literally the worst, Tommy. I thought Tubbo was bad, but no, you’re the worst,” 

“I take deep offense to that Jack Manifold,” Tommy snapped, even though he really didn’t. “Fuck you,” 

“Are you leaving then?” Jack said hopefully, and Tommy elbowed him in the ribs for that one. 

“Fuck off, no. Listen, I don’t want to hurt you, but-” 

“Hurt me!” Jack exclaimed, sounding alarmed, but Tommy chose to ignore that one 

“But, I suppose I can risk your already astronomically big  head getting a bit bigger-” 

Literally fuck off and die,” 

“By asking you for- for some assistance,” Tommy finished.

Jack scoffed “Why the fuck would I help you? You came into my house at the ungodly hour of- 4 pm- and now you’re insulting me? What the fuck man,”

“It’s important?” Tommy tried “I-uh, well I broke something. I might’ve dropped my tablet and shattered it a little bit,” 

Jack leveled him with an unimpressed look “A little bit?” 

“I mean, the edges are a little fucked up, Tommy admitted as he finally handed the tabled over to Jack, who squinted at it with an unreadable expression, “And maybe it isn’t exactly chagrining right, but I don’t think I fucked it up that badly-” 

“Tommy, you just handed me two separate pieces of glass,” Jack said flatly, holding up the two halves of Tommy’s tablet “And you’re trying to convince me this is a tablet?” 

Tommy crossed his arms, a defensive gesture he’d picked up “It’s custom made! It was supposed to be shatter-proof!” 

“Well,” Jack said slowly, “It didn’t shatter . It snapped in half. What the hell did you do to it?” 

“It just fell off my bed! That’s it! I’m just as fucking baffled as you are,” Tommy exclaimed. Sam had said that the tablet was designed to withstand an explosion- a close ranger creeper explosion at that. He had no idea how it had broken in half so cleanly from a three-foot fall off his bed! 

“Tommy, this isn’t even a tablet,” Jack said. “It's-It's just glass! And even if it was, I don’t know shit about fixing electronics. Why the hell did you bring it to me instead of Tubb?. He’s some sort of computer genius, not me, as much as I wish I was” 

“You work at a phone repair shop! Besides Tubbo is being a little bitch and we aren’t speaking,” 

It was the best lie he could come up with on the fly, alright? Tommy couldn’t exactly admit that Tubbo would definitely be able to tell it wasn’t Earth technology! Jack had been a last-ditch effort. He also didn’t want to admit that it technically hadn’t broken in half upon impact. Tommy may have spent a couple nights tinkering with it, and only managed to totally break it. 

Tommy wasn’t a fucking mechanic alright? He studied people! Languages! Big man shit! Not fucking how to fix tablets. 

“Listen, Tommy, I really don’t have time for your jokes today. I’ve got a late shift I have to get ready for,” Jack said, handing back the pieces of his tablet “Go stop having a fight with Tubbo or whatever, because even if that thing was real, I wouldn’t be able to fix it. That shit’s fucked,” 

Tommy huffed, but took the two pieces back, and allowed Jack to usher him to the door.

“Thanks for nothing bitch,” Tommy snarked as he headed out the door. Jack just flipped him off and shut the door. 

Tommy ignored Dream as he walked by the van, despite Dream’s jeers, and paused between his house and Tubbo’s. 

Jack had been a shot in the dark, but it would only take a couple more earth days for his dad to start getting worried about him, and he wasn't sure what would happen when he wasn't able to respond at all. 

It would…. Probably be fine? 

His dad could be a little overprotective but was pretty rational. He’d probably just send someone after him and Tommy could explain the misunderstanding and send whatever bitchy soldier Sam picked out back and the mission could continue. 

It definitely wouldn’t be anything like that time he forgot to take his phone with him on his second solo flight (that he might’ve taken a  couple of wrong turns on) and Sam literally sent out half the military to find him. 

Tommy grimaced. Yeah, that sounded like a hell of a reach even to himself.. Maybe Tommy could risk showing Tubbo the tablet. 

—- 

“Wilbur! Hey! Wilbur! Don’t you dare ignore me too, like Tommy!” 

It was all Wilbur could do not to literally hiss at Dream. He was genuinely so close to just biting the guy. Damn the mission to hell. Let Dream see his teeth. Maybe the green bitch would leave him the fuck alone for a bit. 

Of course, that would only make Dream more determined, and that was really the absolute last thing that Wilbur wanted to happen. Especially today, 

“Leave me alone, Dream. Tommy’s been taking lessons from me,” Wilbur said, as kindly as he could muster, flashing him the biggest smile he could without showing off his rows of razor-sharp teeth. Wilbur didn’t think himself a  violent person, but he was getting ridiculously close to biting the next person who pissed him off. 

”Christ, who pissed in your cheerios?” Dream shouted back. At least he wasn’t in Wilbur’s personal space. Humans sucked at that concept, for the most part. They were so touchy Normally Wilbur wouldn’t mind but- 

“Some asshole poured coffee on my head today, sorry if I’m not in the mood for pleasantries with my least favorite stalker,” Wilbur snapped. It had been iced coffee, at least. Humans drank coffee so hot it probably would've given him dangerous burns if it hadn’t been iced. As it stood, his beanie was ruined, and Wilbur’s skin was already starting to break out from the exposure to caffeine. Niki had thankfully let him go early, but he was still wet, miserable, and stressed that someone would see through his skin paint. 

“Aw, does that mean I’m your favorite?” Sapnap asked, popping out of the window of the SUV. 

“You were until you set our garbage can on fire,” Wilbur said “Now my favorite is George,” 

“You’re only saying that because you’re British and so is here,” Sapnap whined.

“I promise you, I’m really fucking not,” Wilbur said, since, you know, he wasn’t even actually British.He was a proud L’manburgian, though he couldn’t exactly say that “George is just the least insufferable,” 

“You know what, that’s fair,” Dream said. 

Subpoena scoffed “You only say that because you’re in love with him, Dream,” 

“I am not!” Dream shouted, instantly turning red “You’re the one with a dumb crush!”

Wilbur took their newest argument as a chance to slip past the two agents (George, per usual, was nowhere in sight. Maybe he was sleeping on top of the shed again)

Though Wilbur had to admit that he was a little curious as to who exactly Sapnap’s crush was, so if he lingered a little longer at the doorway than was strictly necessary, that was his own business. 

“Quackity is not stupid!” Sapnap shouted back, and Wilbur really didn’t have to fake nearly dropping his house key. Thankfully Sapnap and Dream were too engrossed in their spat to notice Wilbur’s gasp. Quackity? Fucking Quackity? Wilbur knew he’d been hanging around, but for him to be flirting with an agent? Oh that, that was crossing a line. 

“Yeah, but Technobvlade told me yesterday that Quackity is in a relationship,” Dream shot back “He’s in love with Technoblade’s boss!” 

“No way! He’s definitely been flirting with me, Dream! Even George agreed,” Sapnap said, and honestly, the poor guy sounded kinda desperate. 

“He’s just leading you on, Sapnap!” Dream taunted, “He’s just going to use you- you don’t think he really likes you, do you?” 

“Don’t say that, asshole!” Sapnap cried, practically launching himself out of the van at Dream, who took several large steps back. Of course, since Sapnap was coming out the window, he really just fell on the ground when his foot caught on the door.

“Oh shit!” Dream exclaimed, rushing to Sapnap’s side, helping him up off the pavement “Fuck are you alright,” 

“I broke my nose!” Sapnap shouted, hand pressed to his face “Of course I’m not alright dumbass! This is your fault”

“How is it my fault?”  

Wilbur shook his head and left them to their argument. He really just needed a shower. 

Phil grinned. He was a little- okay no, he was really proud of himself for this one. 

Wilbur has obviously had a shitty childhood, Phil had determined (no that he was sure any of the boys had a good childhood at all) and had never had anyone hang something of his on the fridge? Unacceptable. 

He’d have to check with the others, but he knew that Wilbur would be excited by this. 

His fridge was already pretty full, with some old drawings of Tubbo’s, a calendar, and a bunch of reminders for work. However, work could easily get kicked off for what he was putting up there. It was a picture from the beach trip that Puffy had taken, of Wilbur with his arm tossed around Tommy’s shoulder, who had his head back laughing. Technoblade was in the picture but had a hat over his face so you could only really see his pink hair. It was stupid and corny, but he figured that Wilbur would appreciate the sentiment. Hopefully, the others wouldn’t mind it. 

It was now front and center on the fridge, between a drawing of Tubbo’s and his calendar. There was no way that Wilbur could miss it, once he came down from his shower. Which it was a bit odd that Wilbur was home so early, but hey Phil barely knew what his own schedule was, let alone everyone else’s. He was pretty sure that Tommy was over at Tubbo’s though, and Technoblade was probably at work, since he’d been off yesterday. Or maybe he’d just left, Phil didn’t know. 

And okay, technically Phil was working but this was his lunch break. Sure. 

Phil really hoped that Wilbur would get an employee of the month award, if for no other reason than he wanted to put it on the fridge. It’d probably make him very happy. 

(Phil actually missed Wilbur's reaction, since he fell asleep at the dining room table, but when he woke up the picture was still there, and Wilbur’s eyes were suspiciously red. He acted very nonchalant, but Phil was pretty sure he’d cried a little). 

—- 

“Phil! The only man ever!” Tommy crowed, as he crossed over into his yard from Puffy’s/ He came up to Phil’s lawn chair and frowned, taking in the scene “Oh, and Wilbur. What the fuck are you two doing?” 

“Shh!” Wilbur exclaimed, pointing at the scene that was unfolding a few yards away “Look!” 

Phil hid a smile at Tommy's expression. Quackity and Sapnap were having a shouting match in the street- very loudly mind you- and Phil was pretty sure that one of them was about to cry. It was something about cheating. Phil had no idea, but Wilbur was giving a play by play. 

“You’re sitting out here watching these two shout at each other?” Tommy asked, and Phil was slightly offended at his unimpressed tone. Wilbur was visibly offended, and began splitting perhaps comically “All these guys do is argue. Besides, if I want to see people yell at each other I’d go back to work. Or piss of Technoblade,” 

“Ooh I like that idea,” Wilbur chimed in, eyes glinting. 

“No pissing off Technoblade,” Phil said, more out of habit than anything. Huh. He’d halfway joked about being Wilbur's dad, but was that what having kids was like? 

“Well, that wasn’t my plan,” Phil admitted “This is just a bonus show Wilbur is invested in. There’s supposed to be a meteor shower tonight and I came out early to set up. Wilbur joined me,” 

Phil gestured to the setup, which he thought was pretty nice. He had a cooler full of beer and cokes, a few snacks, a lawn chair, and a blanket. Wilbur had his own chair, and had his beanie pulled down low “You’re welcome to join us if you want mate” 

“Won’t there be light pollution and shit?” Tommy asked, squinting up at the sky. It was just getting dark, but the lights from the nearby houses and street lamps were already glowing. 

“Nah don’t worry about it,” Phil said “Tubbo and I set it up so that when there is a significant astronomical event, I can shut down the power to the entire neighborhood,”

“Philza Minecraft, that’s fucking fantastic,” Tommy said seriously, and Phil grinned at the expression of vague awe on his face “I’ll be right back,” 

A few minutes later Tommy came out with a blanket and a bag of popcorn. Behind him, only looking slightly put out was Technoblade holding his own chair. It looked like Tommy had woken him up from a nap, but he was there. 

“Hey, guys!” Phil exclaimed, as Tommy spread his blanket out, and sprawled at their feet. Technoblade put his chair down beside Phil, casting Wilbur a look. Wilbur flipped him off in return, and Phil laughed. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Technoblade asked, as he settled into his chair, and took the coke that Phil offered to him without question. He wasn’t sure that he’d seen Technoblade actually drink yet, so he wasn’t offering beer. 

“Quackity found out that Sapnap knows about Karl,” Wilbur said in a hushed tone “We’re watching the fight,” 

“And waiting for falling stars!” Tommy chimed in “We are gonna see meteors and shit!” ]

“You dragged me outta bed for that?” Technoblade grumbled, but opened his coke and made no move to get up. 

Eventually, Quackity stormed off, and Spanap got in the van. Phil wasn't sure how it had ended, since Tommy had started telling a story about his boss Hannah beating the shit out of someone who’d tried to vandalize her shop, and they'd all gotten into it. Technoblade and Wilbur called bullshit, but Phil was pretty sure he’d heard of her, back in her professional fighting days. 

Just as the sun slipped truly down the horizon, and Wilbur started singing a song about stars he’d come up with on the spot just to piss off Technoblade, and Tommy joined in loudly and a bit off key, and Phil was laughing when he pulled his phone out of the pocket and shut down the power in the area. 

Wilbur and Tommy’s song dissolved into gasps and laughter as the street light went out, and the night sky full of meteors became clear. 

Dogs were barking down the street, neighbors were yelling, Technoblade had Tommy by the ear, Dream’s van was still on the street, and Phil was sure that the cops would show up the next day to try and pin this on him like they did every time, but Phil didn’t give a shit. 

It was a good day.