Work Header

very normal human behavior

Chapter Text

Technoblade wouldn’t go so far as to say that he liked life on Earth, but he supposed it was tolerable. 

Sure Phil was still the only good human he knew, but Tommy and Wilbur could be worse, if only because he knew worse ones like Quackity. His job was boring, but the books at the shop were interesting. He particularly liked human philosophy and mythology, though their science ficiton attempts were totally laughable. 

But the days trudged on and Technoblade felt… well, sure, he wanted to go home, but Earth definitely warranted more observation, right? 

Yep. Definitely more observation. That’s it. One thing he liked observing was human TV. 

“Tommy and I are headed over to Puffy’s,” Phil called from the kitchen “We’re having lunch in a couple of hours, so the two of you are welcome to join whenever,” 

Technoblade grunted in response, too engrossed in the TV show playing on Phil’s flat screen to care. Seeing the different ways that humans made random items was fascinating. The narrator was rather borin’ but Technoblade could live with borin’ since Tommy had been chattering at him all morning. 

Wilbur shouted down something intelligible from upstairs. He’d paused playing his guitar for a minute, finally . Wilbur had started playin’ a lot lately and it was annoying, and terrible, and-

(Okay, it was actually pretty good, but Technoblade wasn’t going to tell Wilbur that because it was also annoying how often he played it. Definitely annoying. Yep.)

The door behind Technoblade slammed shut, instantly muffling whatever Tommy was talking about- something about women? He’d been on a kick about wives again, though Technoblade still wasn’t sure if humans were into polygamy or not. Whatever Karl, Quackity, and Sapnap had going on made him think yes, but the soap opera he caught Puffy watching the week before made him think no. 

Humans still made no sense to him. And their politics- don’t get him started! He’d tried to start readin’ up on human news since his shifts in the bookstore were so slow, but humans didn’t get along with each other any better than the L’manberg Federation and The Syndicate did. He’d even go so far as to say that somehow humans might be worse and that was sayin’ something. 

If humans couldn’t be trusted to keep the peace amongst themselves for more than a couple decades (and even then Technoblade had a sneaking suspicion that they were just a bit better at pretending there was peace) how could they be trusted in the greater universe? 

It was just further evidence that Earth needed to be invaded, if not neutralized. They weren’t ready for more, and Technoblade wasn’t sure they would be. Especially not when people like Sapnap and Quackity had power in the world. 

Which, on that note, he really, really , needed to get that report written. He made himself a few notes, sure, but he hadn’t even started the report, and the other representatives would be expecting an update at least, sometime in the next few days, since three months was officially up as of last week. 

But, that was a lot of work, alright and he’d rather- 

Well, he’d rather watch How It’s Made, alright? 

Technoblade wasn't sure how many episodes he watched, but he was engrossed in the proper techniques of creating interchangeable sandals when the doorbell rang. 

Technoblade’s eyes flicked over toward the door- the curtains were drawn, so they couldn’t see him, and besides, he didn’t really want to get up. Maybe Wilbur would get it? 

The doorbell rang again. Over the soothing narration, Technoblade could faintly hear Wilbur still strumming away at his guitar. Stupid guitar. Tommy had given it to Wilbur after Wilbur mentioned that he had missed making music, and he’d hardly put it down since then. 

Even when someone was at the door, ringing their doorbell incessantly. 

Ugh. Of course, he was gonna have to get up and answer it. “I’m the backbone of this household,” Technoblade mumbled, though that honor really went to Puffy, who was the only one of them that actually knew how to cook. She wasn’t good at it, but at least she knew how. Wilbur usually resorted to eating raw meats, which Technoblade hadn’t even known humans could do.

“Hello?” Technoblade said gruffly as he opened the door. Standing in front of him was… well honestly Technoblade had no idea who it was. They were wearing a cloak, of all things, and had the hood pulled up. Not just that, but where their face should be, there was a dark void. Was that some sort of human fashion trend?  Technoblade couldn't tell and honestly, he was uncomfortable with the situation. Though, to be fair him being uncomfortable wasn’t necessarily uncommon. 

“Can I help you?” he asked after they didn’t say anything. They just kinda stared, which was unnerving. Especially because their eyes were kinda… were they glowing? Technoblade was like 89% sure humans didn’t have glowing eyes. 

(Then again, he’d also been pretty sure that humans couldn’t digest corn but they seemed to eat it anyway)

“Oh! I’m looking for, uh, Tommy-D- Tommy Innit. Is he here?” They said. Of course. Of course, Tommy would have a weird hooded guy at the door for him. 

“Sorry, he’s not available. Come back later,” Technoblade said gruffly, then proceeded to slam the door in their face, because the guy was suspicious, and whatever suspicious activities that Tommy was involved in? Well, Technoblade wanted no part of it. 

The guy could come back when Tommy was here thank you very much. And sure, he could’ve sent the guy over to Puffy’s, but he was suspicious. Besides, that would’ve just prolonged the interaction and Technoblade just wanted to watch his show in peace. 

Wilbur was still playing his stupid guitar upstairs. 

Technoblade had just made it back to his comfortable seat, when the doorbell rang again, followed by a heavy pounding. Technoblade frowned “Bruh, I literally just told them to leave,” 

Of course, whoever was poudin’ on the door didn’t seem to care much that he didn’t want to get back up, and Wilbur must’ve been wearing headphones, or just bein’ a jerk because he seemed to show no signs of oh, you know, taking a turn answering the door. 

“Fine, fine, fine,” he grumbled,, making his way over to the door. He swung it open to reveal two people- the cloaked one and another one he hadn’t noticed before. The cloaked one was hanging back a few steps, but the other one was standing a little bit too close to the door for Technoblade’s comfort. 

“Can I help you?” Technoblade asked again, drawing himself up to his full (human) height. Something about all this didn’t exactly feel right, but he couldn’t quite place it. Maybe it was just the human interaction. 

Technoblade wished Phil was here. Phil knew how to deal with people Technoblade was only sorta confident talking to like, five humans total. But, no , he and Tommy had to be over at Puffy’s house. He wondered if he shouted loud enough if they could hear him since he was pretty sure Puffy’s windows were open. 

“I’m looking for Tommy.” The man in the front, the taller of the two, said gruffly. He was wearing a very bulky coat, despite how warm it was outside, and sunglasses, even though it was nearly dark outside, and had bright green hair. Humans and their fashion statements. He never could figure it out. 

But, really, Tommy? Again? These guys looked more suspicious than Quackity, somehow. 

“Why?” Technoblade asked, “Because if-” 

The man apparently didn’t get the social cue to back off because he continued like Technoblade hadn’t even spoken. “I need to see him.” He insisted. There was an odd lilt to his voice, that Technoblade couldn’t place. “Let us in. I need to speak to Tommy,” 

“Okay, yeah, we’re not doin’ that,” Technoblade said firmly, planting himself firmly in the doorway, because of this? This was strange. Technoblade wasn’t protective of Tommy or anything stupid like that, but it was just rude to barge into someone’s house uninvited- right? Technoblade was going with it. “Sorry, Tommy isn’t here, and he didn't mention anyone stoppin’ by. You can come back later if you want.” 

Now, Tchnoblade would be the first to admit he wasn't exactly the best at reading emotions (on humans especially) but even he could tell the man in front was pissed .”Where the hell is Tommy.” He hissed, stepping forward, directly into Technoblade’s personal space. Again, rude. 

Listen -” 

“Hey, can I help you, sir? Because right now it looks like you’re trespassing on private property.” 

Technoblade had never been so relieved to see Dream as he was in that moment, backed by George, both standing there menacingly(Well. As menacingly as they could). Actually, Technoblade was pretty sure he’d never been relieved to see Dream before, but there really was a first time for everything.

“Hey Dream,” Technoblade said casually, glancing over at them. Behind them, he could see Sapnap slipping toward Puffy’s house. Good. He just needed to stall until Phil could come deal with this.  “I’ve gotta say, it’s a little ironic you’re yellin’ at this guy about trespassing.” 

George snorted. “Oooh, he got you Dream.”   

“None of you can take a situation seriously,” Dream snapped. “Listen if you don’t want our help, we’ll be more than happy to go back to the car.” 

“Shut up!” The man in front of Technoblade snapped, interrupting what was shaping up to be fun banter  “The two of you can leave, this business has nothing to do with you.” 

“Well, actually, if you’re committing a crime, we can arrest you,” George said. 

“I’m Agent Wastaken, and this is Agent Notfound.” Dream said lofitly, “We are with the SMP organization and if you don’t step back, we will escort you off the property with force.” 

“Sam.” the cloaked figure said, finally piping up. Their voice was oddly gentle, considering the situation “Why don’t you take a step back.” 

“I’m not going to-” Sam, apparently, started. He sounded rather upset.

“What’s going on here?” 

Phil wasn’t a particularly intimidating man- he only came up to Technoblade’s human shoulder- and Technoblade normally found Phil’s friendliness endearing. He wished Phil was a little more intimidating at that moment though. Puffy was at least holding a baseball bat and glaring. She was far more intimidating, even in her rainbow pajama pants. 

“Where is-” Sam started sounding angrier by the second. 

“He’s lookin’ for Tommy.” Techno interrupted “Not really happy that I didn’t let him into the house, even though Tommy literally isn’t even here.” 

Phil at least had the sense to not look over his shoulder at Puffy’s. “Ooh, that’s tough mate” he agreed amicably “Can I ask why you’re being so fucking aggressive about it? Sorry if it’s a bit weird that a stranger is looking for Tommy.’

“I’m not a stranger.” Sam snapped and Technoblade thought for a second that Sam might take a swing at Phil. “I’m Tommy’s father ,” 


Everything Wilbur had spent pretty much his entire life ( but specifically the last three months) had come crashing down on a Thursday afternoon and he was absolutely going to blame Technoblade for it. 

Was it Technoblade’s fault? He wasn’t sure, to be honest, but it didn’t matter. Technoblade had answered the door, ergo, it was his fault. 

Now, Wilbur had to clean up his mess and avert a potential intergalactic disaster since, oh, you know, the leaders of the fucking Badlands were on their doorstep, looking ten seconds away from getting into a physical altercation with Technoblade and Phil. 


He clattered down the stairs two at a time, clutching his emergency communicator in his hand, praying he got down there before- 

Well. Awesam-Dude was a stars-damned creeper. Creepers were rare for a reason. (The reason being that they exploded under stress, or on command if the rumors were to be believed, and had been nearly driven to extinction a few hundred years ago before the Badlands formed.)

Now, Wilbur had no idea what was being said below- he’d been using headphones to drown out Technoblade’s stupid TV show, but he’d apparently missed the ruckus too. It was by pure luck that he'd glanced out and recognized the cloaked form of BadBoyHalo. Of course, if someone with green hair was with him, it was, without any doubt, Awesam-Dude.  

Whatever the bloodthirsty leader of the Badlands was saying, Wilbur didn’t care, as he pushed past Technoblade out onto the walk, planting himself firmly between the humans and the Creeper. 

Now, admittedly, Wilbur wasn’t necessarily a diplomat. Sure he’d been forced into more meetings and parties than he cared to, but he was a bit rusty, on the diplomacy aspect of everything, and while he’d been in a few tense situations, nothing had been this dire. 

So, in short, his tactics were, well, they weren't his best work. 

“You, Awesam-Dude,” he said, switching seamlessly into Common. Perhaps he’d be able to salvage this from the human side if they didn’t understand what he was saying. Maybe. But, if nothing else, he wasn't sure how much English Awesam-Dude spoke, if any at all.  “Are not allowed to be here. You’re in violation of the Treaty of Kinoko, Section 3. Unless you’ve launched a full-scale invasion, you, nor BadBoyHalo are allowed to step foot on Earth- only a chosen representative. Regardless, as a representative of the L’Manburg Federation, I will not allow the hostility on these lands- not yet,”  

Wilbur, thankfully, had never had to meet with Awesam-Dude, unlike Eret. He’d met Antfrost once, and while slightly unsettling, he seemed nice enough. 

Awesam-Dude was furious, and while Wilbur wasn’t normally one to cower, the creeper’s mask was nowhere in sight, and that meant he was one wrong move from getting everyone in a three-mile radius killed, minimum. 

“This an invasion, then,” Awesamdude hissed back in common. Literally, Wilbur could hear the infamous creeper hiss rattling in his chest, as Wilbur fought the urge to splay his wings wide. “I’d assumed it was the humans, but no, no it was you . I don’t care what rules Commander Eret wants to try and hide behind, if you don’t give me Tommy now, I’ll tear this entire planet apart, and then the Federation will be next,” 

Distantly, he could hear Phil demanding to know what was being said, but Wilbur honestly didn’t care- he was trying very hard to figure out why the fuck the leader of the Badlands wanted Tommy and how exactly to tell him to fuck right off with that request without starting an intergalactic incident. 

He cast a look at BadBoyHalo, who, according to most stories, was actually usually the more violent one- not AwesamDude- but he simply tilted his cloak (it was debatable whether he had a corporeal form) as if to say that Wilbur was on his own. Great

“Listen, as much as I’m a fan of destroying the L’manburg Federation,” Technoblade drawled, in goddamn common as he took a step up beside Wilbur, effectively blocking the door off, though that would be useless, should, “I think there might be some sorta misunderstanding going on here-” 

“There is no misunderstanding,” Awesam-Dude hissed lowly “You two have conspired against the Badlands, maybe even in league  with the humans, and have-” 

Whatever accusations that Awesamdude was going to hurl at them were cut short, as Tommy burst out of Puffy’s front door, slamming it loudly, in the specific way that drove Technoblade insane. Wilbur’s stomach dropped and he was half prepared for, well, he wasn’t sure what he was prepared for, but it certainly wasn’t what actually happened. 

“Dad!” Tommy shouted before Wilbur could even make a move to intercept him, sounding elated, and then he was suddenly there, pushing past Phil and Puffy in a blur of red and white, flinging himself at Awesam-Dude, who caught him without hesitation. 

What the fuck. 

“Tommy.” AwesameDude breathed, still speaking in common. The relief was palpable in his tone. He was hugging Tommy tightly with his two visible arms, almost enough to be painful, though Tommy didn’t seem to mind, much to the shock of everyone else. Tommy usually protested contact, but Tommy had his face buried in Awesam-Dude’s neck “Tommy, thank the stars you’re alright,” 

Wilbur had been prepared for pretty much anything- including calling military might of L’Manburg down on them right then and there, but seeing Tommy fling himself at Awesam-Dude, one of the most feared people the galaxy, a dangerous species prone to explosions, and leader of the ruthless Badlands, was a little hard to reconcile. 

“Yeah,” Technoblade murmured to Wilbur, still in Common “That’s what I was gonna try and explain. I think that you were tryin’ to prevent a family reunion,” 

“What the fuck,” Wilbur muttered. Honestly, he wasn't sure which language he was speaking anymore, with the way his head was spinning. “So you’re the Syndicate, then? Obviously, you aren’t Badlands, and my commander didn’t fucking send you” 

Technoblade shrugged a shoulder, trying to appear unbothered, but Wilbur could see the tension in his shoulders.  “Yeah. I shoulda known you were a government type,” 

“I’m sorry,” Dream finally interrupted, sounding just as lost as Wilbur felt. . “I think I can speak for literally all of us- what the hell is going on?” 

Tommy extracted himself from Awesam-Dude’s hug with more ease than Wilbur would’ve predicted, considering that Creepers were known to be some of the strongest sentient beings, and turned to face them. Tommy flashed them a blinding grin, apparently oblivious to Wilbur’s only slightly abated panic. “My dad came to visit!”