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Secrets are the effect of the past

Chapter Text

Mayas POV

I wouldn’t say I’m a private person, I’m simply selective with the information I choose to share. I have go-to jokes, stories, excuses for certain people - more convincing ones for my closest friends. It may be because I have spent so long hiding from my dad, mirroring his actions, expressions, beliefs in order to avoid conflict and keep myself safe - well as safe as one can be with an emotionally abusive asshole of a father. This is why I never think to mention the girl who has taken my breath away, who makes me want to perform small intimate acts like resting my hand on hers or laying my head on her shoulders so I can feel her chest rise and fall faster when she initially feels my hand in hers and then how her breaths slowly even out as she relaxes at my touch. Carina being kept a secret wasn’t purposeful, it was just my natural way of coping when she makes me feel so vulnerable.
This is what made it difficult to explain when this gorgeous, Italian OBGYN randomly showed up in my captains office - blissfully unaware that she had been my beautiful secret for months.

 

2 hours earlier

“Alright team, gather round!” - authority comes naturally for me so grand speeches too my team are a regular part of my day. Although it took a while I eventually (and rightfully) garnered the respect of my team after taking over as captain, I no longer need to prove my place. So, my speeches are less to intimidate and much more to motivate and inspire, which was absolutely necessary after the call we just had, we were called in second to station 23 as it was technically their district however our much faster response time put our arrival almost in time with theirs leaving the family the house to struggle for far too long, resulting in the loss of a mom.
I walk back to my office, the adrenaline slowly wearing off and simultaneously the pain and aching of my limbs setting in - all I can think about is the stench of smoke and the faces of the family that just lost their mom. I sit down in my chair and after stretching for a second I place my head on my desk, the emotions build up inside and the pain in my legs increases - this is all I can focus on for what feels like 10 seconds until my office door opens and I groan. “All I want is 5 minutes alone, please!” I hear a chuckle and the velvet sound of my Italian girlfriend already improving my mood,
“ahh well bella I guess you want me and my pasta to leave then si?”
I slowly lift my heavy head and finally breath out the air I didn’t know I was holding in.. “Carina” I say breathlessly. Without hesitation she comes over, crouches next to me and lightly strokes my hair before taking my head in her hands, placing it on her shoulder and then strokes my back as I begin to process the last 12 hours.

5 minutes later Andy bursts into my office, “Maya, Maya you have to come see what Travis is doing in the beanery h—… oh sorry I’ll just, ermm yeah I’ll go sorry”. Carina had jumped back as soon as Andy rushed through the door and was now looking at me, head tilted and a questioning look on her face.. “that is Andy your best friend?”
I reply with a grin scared of the direction of this conversation, “yeah! She probably didn’t want to interrupt me and my beautiful girlfriend but I’ll introduce you soon enough babe don’t worry.”
I lightly smile but I can tell by the way her eyebrow twitches that she has some questions but she manages to hit the nail on the head straight away,
“Maya, does anyone actually know about me?”

Chapter Text

Mayas POV

“Maya, does anyone actually know about me?”
[…}

Carina is stood, hands massaging her neck as she processes the information, the fact that I haven’t told not One. Single. Person.
“Maya, I’m not mad”, she now turns to look at me with an emotion across her face I do not expect - empathy. “but?” I question, there is no way that she isn’t at all upset with me.

“no no but, just why? Have you even begun to ask yourself that question?” I look up at her confused signalling for her to continue, “Maya, if this is true you told me you loved me, and asked me to be your girlfriend all while letting your friends, well actually basically your family, believe that you were single. Please bambina think about that for a moment”.

I stand up from my chair and begin pacing back and forth, unexpected anxiety filling my body as I reply, “look Carina there was just never the right time, and I’ve loved living in our hot, sensual, beautiful bubble together. Haven’t you?” I don’t mean to come across self-concious with that question but the anxiety laying inside of me begins to genuinely spiral about Carinas true feelings.

“Si si, of course Bella! They have been the best months of my life” Carina reassures me, “but that does not mean I have not once mentioned by hot, blonde, firefighter captain fidanzata to my friends and family! I want to brag, gossip, shout about you to everyone. Like I said Maya, I’m not mad but I want you to genuinely tell me, why?”
Suddenly, Carinas phone starts buzzing and we are both aware of what that means - “baby coming into the world?” I say as a half attempt to make a joke.
“Si, sorry amore mio but I promise that we can have a talk later” - Carina kisses me on the forehead gently and places her hand on my cheek. At first I expect another kiss but she simply stares into my eyes, her soft hazelnut gaze relaxing me as needed as she then walks through the door to go bring life into the world.
I let out a sigh and can’t stop the flashbacks spiralling in my mind as I head towards my bunk to lie down.

Flashback (Maya at 17 years old)

Maya looks at the girl and grins, “maybe I have a crush” she states and hesitates to see the girls reaction.
“Maya! You have to tell me who, is it Darren? Oo no that cute guy from gym that always asks you to be on his team?”
“You know he only does that because I’m the best right? And no”, Maya half laughs with how cute Alex is in front of her and to release some nerves, “its not any of those boys. In fact..”
Before she can finish her sentence Alex places one hand on her knee, her body visibly shaking as she leans in. Maya meets her half way, their lips eagerly yet nervously ready for what they had both dreamed could happen. They pull away but Alex’s hand remains on Maya’s knee.
“Its you Alex, in case you cant tell now. I have a crush on you”, Alex looks up at the blonde and confidently giggles - “yes Maya Bishop I know”.

[…]

“ITS HER!” Mayas dad storms back and forth back and forth in front of her, hands gripped so tight his knuckles turn white and his bellow gets louder. “You and that new friend - always together! Well she’s a distraction and she makes you WEAK,” he spits with rage, his finger far too close to Maya’s face.
Maya visibly shudders at the volume of her fathers shouts, the end result being no dinner until further notice and an extra 2 hours of practise before school, the time she would normally hang out with Alex.
Her father made sure to ruin their friendship and in turn led to Maya’s first and only real heartbreak.

Present day (Mayas POV)

Work. Work. Work. That’s what I’ll do, no sitting around, dwelling on whys and the past and people who must not be named. I feel the stress being forced down as I focus on my work, I’m good at my work, there’s a reason I’m currently planning the rotas for next month - I’m organised.
I look up as I hear a knock at the door, “come in” I say knowing exactly who it would be.
“Hey Cap, quick question. Seen any tall, gorgeous, brunettes in a very tightly fitted pant-suit around here at any point today” Andy saunters in and sits in front of me, a smirk worn on her face with a mischievous look in her eye. This is it, my chance. I’ll tell Andy all she needs to know, then when I go home to my girlfriend I can look her in the eye and tell her that someone knows and in return she will provide me with lots and lots of sex. Perfect.
I fill Andy in, offer her an invite to have dinner with Carina and I and request, and partially beg that she not tell the rest of the team. She agrees and I quickly force her out of my office to stop the questions after I stupidly mention Carina’s orgasm study. This is too both ignore the mocking and the in-depth questions.

I rush home at the end of shift, my chest puffed out proudly as I saunter into my apartment knowing to expect my beautiful girlfriend waiting. “Honey I’m home!” Carina smiles, places the wine glass she was holding on the table and embraces me in a hug, a long, tight, empathetic hug. I push her away lightly and giggle excited about my news, “I told her!”
“Told who what bambina?”
“Andy! I told her about my hot, doctor girlfriend, all about our love, a little about our hot hot sex and graciously offered to have a meal with her so you two can meet!” I smile goofily waiting for Carina to feel as such but instead she plays with the bottom of the wine glass she is now holding once again and sighs. Not an angry sigh, more like she was bracing herself and I began to instantly feel the need to build up defensive walls. But she’s Carina. Carina. She isn’t attacking and I don’t need defence.
“Bella that is fantastico, truly but have you thought about why like I said?” She looks almost scared as she waits for my response. That response in itself tells me that I can’t build up walls and defend myself right now - but vulnerability is the entire issue here.
“You know I told you I had never told anyone, well aside from my brother, that I loved them right?”
“Si, you did. Wh- I mean is that not true?” Confusion and I can tell a little hurt washes over her and I rush to explain my point.
“And that’s true, I promise. It’s just there was once, when I was 17 where I almost said it. My first relationship and my last true, emotional one before you.” I sit down next to Carina and play with my hands. Carina gently lays her hand over mine and beckons for me to continue, silently reassuring me that I’m in a safe space.
“Her name was Alex. My parents were blissfully unaware of their queer daughter and so thought she was just my best friend.” Carina looks at me with a knowing look, aware of the ‘best friend who I’m actually in love with’ situation. I sigh and continue, “but she was my girlfriend and I’m quite sure I loved her. Not in the way I love you but in a puppy, first love excitement kind of way. Until my Father, it was one of the worst situations I’ve ever been in with him. The shouting, punishments, silent treatments - it went on for months.” I feel the muscles in my neck tensing as I relive those dreaded times and as I finally talk about them so vulnerably with someone else.
“I don’t know if there’s a link between that and this but it was my fault that he was so mad. I mean I left practise 20 minutes early to go to the movies with her. I should’ve been focused, god I was stupid.”
“Oh bella. No no. It’s not your fault I swear you know…” Carinas hands caress my face as she attempts to reason but the voice inside my head has begun to spiral so fast, stupid, lazy, incompetent, stupid, lazy, inc…
Carina must see me space out as I feed into the voices, more specifically my fathers voice. She sighs, removes her hands from my face and places one on my knee and whispers over and over, “breathe Maya, breathe”.