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Just For A Moment

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Just For a Moment

 

 

Meredith thought of herself as someone who was strong. With everything that had happened to her up to now, with everything she had survived, she most certainly was. But it seemed that strength ended the moment she saw her mother or Susan Grey or Molly or heard about her father. Sure, she was strong but when it came to her family she became that little girl holding onto her doll, sad and alone.

 

She had done well evading Susan Grey and Molly after the first time Molly had been admitted and Addison had repaired the hernia in the unborn baby. She had done very well not to be anywhere near the area when the follow ups came too. 

 

She thought she was safe, that is, until Addison called for her before rounds to tell her that Molly had been admitted for an emergency C-section. Meredith was trying to untangle herself from the situation but Susan’s impeccable timing prevented her from doing so. Somehow she was now on the case because she was either too nice or too stubborn. She was not sure which yet.


This was just a bad idea. A totally and completely bad idea. Why had Addison got her into this mess? She just froze. In the middle of the O.R., Meredith Grey froze. That just did not happen, ever. Addison was asking for help and all Meredith could do was stare at the blue baby in the attending’s hands. Unable to move until Addison said her name once more.

 

“Grey, I need your help here.” Addison said with some urgency but equal calm, as she pumped air into the baby's lungs.

 

She snapped out of it, her blue eyes meeting Addison’s green and she remembered to breathe again. She turned to Susan to explain but all that came out was ‘the baby isn’t breathing’, which was definitely not helping. Slowly she regained her composure and explained what was happening as Addison worked to get the baby stable enough for transport.


Addison being the amazing doctor she was, got the baby stable enough that she could scrub once more and prepare to operate on her. After Meredith explained some more she went to the scrub room to find Addison and apologize. Addison nodded and told her to keep both Molly and Susan updated but Meredith tried to get out of it by saying they’d much rather talk to the attending than herself. But Addison had a point this surgery required all of her attention so Meredith insisted on scrubbing in instead.

 

“No, it was a mistake to let you in the O.R. with your family in the first place. It’s not gonna happen again. I’m sorry Grey but I need you out here. Check in with me every hour.” Addison said as she finished scrubbing in and went to do surgery.


She was close. Very close to breaking. Every time she went to update Molly and Susan another piece of her fell. Watching their interactions with each other. Witnessing what she never had. What her father had chosen over her. What her own mother had not done and would never be able to do. It all hurt way too much. But at least she was done now. Addison was walking out of the O.R. with a tired smile on her face.

 

“You did it.” Meredith's sad smile did not reach her eyes as she walked up to Addison.

 

“I did. She’s stable. We’ll need to keep a very close eye on her but I think the worst is over.” Addison's soft gaze and gentle smile, somehow soothed her. “I’m going to change really quick, if you don’t mind talking to them one last time?”

 

“Sure.” Meredith let out a sigh and went to inform Molly and Susan. 


Meredith managed to make it through even after the hug Susan gave her. Even after the happy squeals from Molly echoing in the hallway. She managed to keep it together. But just like the first time she could not keep herself from hovering. So there she was outside of the NICU as Addison explained things and Molly and Susan were allowed to see the baby for the first time. 

 

Susan of course caught a glimpse of her and she made her way towards Meredith. Awkwardly, she tried again to untangle herself before it could be too late but as always, she was not fast enough.

 

“We could be your family if you want us.” Susan called as Meredith walked away making her stop. “You have a mother, I know. I’m not saying… I’m just saying that we could be your family, too.”

 

Crack. She felt it. The mask she had been wearing all day was breaking. It was falling to pieces as her mother’s own words echoed in her head ‘I should never have had a kid.’ getting progressively louder each time. Here was this woman who had absolutely no obligation to her, offering her a family. When her own mother was wishing she did not have her. That was why Thatcher had chosen Susan. That’s why he had never come back for her. 


She walked on and on, surprised her eyes had not betrayed her yet and still held her tears. She heard someone following her. The distinct sound of clicking heels getting closer as she slowed down.

 

“Grey?” Addison called, her voice filled with the same worry and concern and care that swirled in her eyes as Meredith turned to face her. 

 

Addison motioned to an open on-call room with a nod and quietly Meredith followed. Addison closed the door behind her and faced her once more. There was so much compassion in her gaze that Meredith almost let go.

 

“Addison.” She was surprised her voice worked still.

 

“What is it?” Addison asked, taking a step toward her but still keeping a respectable distance. 

 

“Just for a moment…” Meredith hiccupped as she mustered her strength to keep talking. “J-just for a moment, can you pretend? C-can  you p-pretend you don’t hate m-me?” She stumbled out.

 

“Meredith I don’t…” Addison began as she shook her head but Meredith stopped her.

 

“P-please.” Meredith begged, unsure of what the redhead would say. 

 

She was scared it would be no because she needed this. Addison gave her a small nod. That was all Meredith needed before she crashed herself against the tall redhead letting out loud sobs. Addison seemed to be stunned for a few seconds but then wrapped her arms around her, drawing soothing circles on her back. They stayed there together a while until Addison spoke again.

 

“Meredith.” Addison whispered, making Meredith shift away from the crook of her neck where she had buried herself. “I don’t hate you. I never could.” A soft smile illuminating the rest of her face.

 

“Have you said that before?” Meredith asked. She kind of recalled an instance. Maybe it was a dream and she had made it up but as she looked up and saw Addison smile she had the sense that that was not the case.

 

“I could go for some juju. How about you?” The redhead said instead.

 

“Juju sounds nice. If… if you want I could take you to one of the best places for juju.” She offered, wiping her face.

 

“I’d like that.” Addison said with that beautiful smile as she tucked blonde strands of hair behind her ear, Meredith leaning into the touch.

 

As they pulled away from each other and Addison turned to leave the room Meredith caught her hand, making her stop.

 

“Umm thanks. For the moment.” Meredith smiled shyly.

 

“Oh.” Addison nodded and smiled sweetly. “But Meredith I’m hoping it wasn’t just for a moment.”