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Wish I May

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You almost wish you could reach up and cup your fingers around one of the stars dotting the sky tonight, hold it close, feel its warmth against your palm. But you’ll settle for your lovers’ hands. So close to you, no less lovely, no less warm.

“This was a good idea,” Venus says. The three of you are bundled up against the cold of the night on a trio of chairs pulled as close to each other as humanly possible, staring up at the sky together under the awning of the RV.

Neptune scoffs. “You say that like you didn’t expect it to be.” It was her idea in the first place. Something impulsive and new, she’s good at those, better than either of you at least.

Venus stutters out a response. “I mean–” she says, and then cuts herself off.

“For the brightest girl on planet Earth,” Neptune says, chuckling in a way that makes you shiver, “you can be really dumb sometimes, Venus. And I love that about you.”

She makes a little noise that’s almost offense, and clings tighter to your arm, resting her head in the crook of her neck. She’s probably blushing, judging by the way her light looks almost red against you.

You’re warm. You’re so, so warm. Everywhere, a warmth on you and in you, all around like fire in your veins. The chill air nips at your face and you barely even feel it, it doesn’t touch you here. It’s a familiar feeling, but you vaguely remember it being unbearable back then. But the way it feels now? “I never want to feel anything else,” you say out loud.

“What’s that?” Neptune asks.

“Oh,” you say, and laugh. “Sorry, I dunno. Just...brain.”

“Good brain?” Venus asks.

“I guess.” You squeeze both their hands a little tighter. “It’s just weird. Brain doing weird stuff. I’m fine. Don’t worry about–”

“Jupiter.” Neptune’s voice cuts you off. “If you tell either of us not to worry about you again, I will fucking kill you.” She sighs, and you almost flinch when you feel her hand cup your cheek, turning your face to look at her. Even in the faint dark, you can see her so clearly, that firm look in her beautiful eyes. “I’m going to worry about you.” Her voice is so soft, oh gosh. “I love you, you know. You can’t stop me from loving you, and you can’t stop me from worrying, and if you try then I’m never going to forgive you.” She quirks what’s almost a smile.

“I’m sorry,” you say.

She leans in, her breath is colder than the night, darker than rain, hand still soft on your cheek – oh wow, wow, oh fuck oh geez – and she kisses you, and you’re gone. You’re in the stars now, and you’re here kissing her, and you’re everywhere and everything and you’ve probably touched down on your namesake.

“I love you,” comes a whisper from your mouth the moment her lips leave yours.

“Yeah, you too.” She chuckles, and brushes your hair out of your face. “Now go kiss Venus, you nerd. She’s been blushing up a storm over there.”

“Shuuush,” your other girlfriend hisses, but even a cursory glance towards her proves Neptune right. Her cheeks are very, very red, casting crimson across everything in sight. “Um. You don’t have to...” She swallows. “I dunno.”

You manifest a hand in front of her face and poke her nose. “I wanna,” you say, simple as anything. “I like kissing you.”

She waves away your hand with a little scowl, but you can tell she’s hiding a smile. “I like kissing you too.” And she scoots closer, right up close to you. “What were you thinking about? Your brain thing; what did you mean?”

“Oh.” You laugh, sending a hand back through your hair. “Um. I guess, just...being here, being with you. It makes me happy, I think.”

“You think,” she says, tilting her head ever so slightly.

“Um, no, I mean, it does make me happy!” you quickly correct. “Like, really fucking happy. It really does, I love being here with you.”

Venus nods. “Go on.” She’s still smiling. Okay, you didn’t fuck up, you’re okay. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

“I guess I’m just not sure what I’m feeling,” you continue. “It’s happy, for sure, but there’s other things too. Like...” You struggle for the words.

“Love?” Neptune offers, fully deadpan.

You shrug. “Yeah, of course. It might be more? It’s really hard to tell. It just sort of feels...big. Like something I shouldn’t even try to make words out of, like it’d be unfair if I tried.” You purse your lips. “It’s new, I think. Not all the way new, I’ve felt a little like this before, but the way it feels now is new. Almost like if you heard a new word before, but now you finally know what it means.”

“I’ve got some of those feelings too, I think.” Venus isn’t looking at you, except she is, she always is, even when her gaze seems distant. “Sometimes my chest feels so tight when I’m with you. I don’t even know how to handle it, it’s like I’m going to start crying or die or something.” Before you can apologize, she leans closer. Her lips are almost against yours. Your breath stalls. “But, I love feeling that way. It makes me remember I’m alive.” You can hear her voice lighting on every cell, igniting your nerves. “How does yours make you feel?”

You don’t even think about your response. “Like a real devil.” And you kiss her. So long and so wonderful that you almost forget to come up for air again. You figure there’s probably worse ways to go.