Actions

Work Header

of thoughts and loves

Work Text:

Eddie Diaz doesn't know love.
No, that's not true. He knows the love he feels for that ray of sunshine that is his son. He knows the love his parents have for him despite the little trust they have for him every time they are in the same room. He knows the love his grandmother and aunt give him, whether it's with little glances or filling his refrigerator with frozen food.

Eddie knows these types of love. What he doesn't know is the love he should feel every time he watches the right person.
He thought he knew it when he was with Shannon. So beautiful, untamed, adventurous and at that moment, perfect, so different from him. Their love turned wild and passionate and he vividly remembers what it was like before he enlisted, before Christopher, before so many tears and fights. He remembers not being able to hold back the urge to tear each other's clothes off and enjoy the one thing they had in common. He can still savor the taste of her tears after a fight, trying to connect in the only way they seemed to be in sync.

Then she was gone.

Which was unfair to say, he had left first, scared of this new life, of his fatherhood, scared that he wasn't enough for them.

He remembers how his heart and his desire for her appeared years later, in this new city, when he was already a different man than the one she left, when he has slowly learned to be the father Christopher deserves.

He remembers the apprehension he felt when Shannon asked to watch Christopher, but how easy it was for him to love her again, to surrender his already delicate heart again. As quickly as Shannon had returned he was already planning their lives together, if that desire was still there, they could make this little family work again. He could do this, he could do this for Christopher.

Then she was gone and this time she wouldn't come back.
If he thinks about it carefully, and despite the guilt that comes up every time he does, he is relieved that she would have asked him for a divorce before she died. He is selfish and he knows it, he knows that if she had accepted and then died, Eddie wouldn’t have survived.

So Eddie goes on with his life. He keeps smiling for Chris, even though inside is that fire fueled by anger at himself, by dislike and how not enough he feels.

But he has people who help him, who are there for him in his lowest moments. There’s Cap, who despite not being that old, gives him a sense of peace and understanding he never felt from his father, willing to give advice and listen when he needs it. There’s Hen always wise, who although curious in nature, doesn't force Eddie to express himself, waits patiently and always with words of encouragement. Chim, who seems more like an annoying, teasing brother, who he knows he can no longer live for.

And then there's Buck.
Buck, who the first few days behaved like a child denied a toy, apathetic and obnoxious. While he had been amused by this childish attitude, deep down it hurt him to be the only one getting such treatment from Buck, when he was nothing but love and laughter to the others.

It would take an emergency with a grenade for them to finally connect.
He remembers hearing Buck yell to Cap that they could end up really close. And God only knows how true those words would be. Buck is everything he had ever dreamed of in a best friend, he gave him one of the best gifts anyone had ever given him: safety and help for Chris. This huge reckless man had decided that Eddie and Chris would be his responsibility and he had taken that to heart.

However, he don't analyze why his heart makes a funny move every time he watches Buck, because Eddie had never had a best friend either, so he assumes that kind of love, the kind that makes his heart skip a beat, is the love that one friend feels for another.

And that confuses him, because he also loves Hen, Chim and Cap, loves his team and would do anything possible for them to be safe and sound, but he knows and not too deep down that this thing with Buck is beyond that. He knows, but he doesn't know what to do with this information, because Buck is a guy and he is straight. So he does the best he knows how, he locks every extra heartbeat he feels when he sees Buck in the smallest, most hidden drawer of his mind.

He keeps going, trying to get over the sight of watching his best friend die three times, where all three times he could do nothing but watch. He keeps going despite the lawsuit, despite Christopher's nightmares, despite the fights.

He keeps going even though for a moment he was about to kiss Buck in the kitchen of his loft and with Christopher present.

He keeps going even after climbing out of the pit where she thought he would stay forever. He can still remember Shannon's clear voice repeating over and over again that Christopher needs him. His family needs him.
If he thinks of Buck as part of his family, he keeps him along with everything else.

When he sees Abby for the first time, he comes to a realization.
He and Buck, despite being best friends, sharing most of their lives and almost raising their son together, have never talked much about their relationship. He heard about Abby from the people at the station. He never knew anything important about Ali until she left him after the bomb. He doesn't know what kinds of love Buck knows and at the time, he becomes obsessed with the idea of what love Buck feels for him, how different that love is from the love he felt for Abby.

Can he compete?
No, he can't, he's not enough. So he opens that little drawer again, already overflowing with Buck and forces these last thoughts inside and closes it.

He doesn't like boys, and even if he did, Buck deserves more than Eddie.

So Eddie starts dating Ana Flores.
Ana who used to be Chris's teacher and by chance of fate he meets her again.
He already has the experience of knowing how love can be wild and passionate. Where Shannon was like fire, Ana is a calm sea. Serene and calm, good with childrens and patient with Chris. He doesn't feel the blinding desire to want to take her to bed like he did Shannon, so he should be safe. If he could love someone like Shannon, he can definitely make it with Ana.

So he tries for Chris, who seems to adore her, he tries for him, because she's easy to be with, because she doesn't expect from him what Shannon did. She is patient with him even though she doesn't know the damaged machine Eddie has become.

He remembers how his family was with Shannon, how they hated every part of his personality, even after Christopher was born. So Eddie feels that this time he is doing the right thing, Ana is kind, calm, willing to please, and of course, latina. He could see her as the ideal match for him, for Chris, for his family.

He is disconcerted by the expression of disinterest on Abuela's face, Pepa makes a sound and continues cooking while exchanging glances with her Abuela.

Neither says anything.

On the other side is Carla, who seems to like Ana, they talk the whole dinner and the atmosphere is what he expected it to be and more. But Carla is Carla and without much finesse she made him doubt the one thing he thought he was doing right.

Eddie feels, despite the contradictions about his relationship with Ana, that everything is going as it should.

That is, until he is shot and his world comes crashing down.

He remembers the dull ache after being shot. However, this one is different. This isn't Afghanistan, he's not in a war, he's on a street in Los Angeles, with Buck in front of him, pride in his voice for saving Charlie, where he can feel the blush creeping up his cheeks.

He has watched Buck so many times with blood on his face, wounded, that his first instinct is to look at him, to try to find some wound, where the blood is coming from, but he feels weak, tired and doesn't even know why.

When he falls to the ground, he can still watch Buck, in shock, with blood in full view of the possible shooter, he wonders for a moment who took the first shot.

Then he hears the second and watches Buck's body fall to the ground, one hand on the back of his neck. Eddie can watch that he is in pain, blood on his face and clothes and Eddie tries, tries with all his might to reach out, to touch Buck, to scream for him. The pain in his shoulder begins to spread, and he knows now that one of the shots was meant for him, he knows the pain, he has felt it in the shots he has taken during the war. His eyelids are heavy and for the second time he tries to reach out to Buck, to reach out even a little to touch him, to tell him that everything will be all right, that even though it hurts, he is calm, he needs to wipe the pain from Buck's face. If it were up to him, Buck would have only happiness in those eyes, so beautiful, expressive.

He needs to reach out to Buck and tell him, tell him how loved he is, by his sister, friends, by Chris, by him. As he looks into Buck's haunted eyes, he can feel the drawer he kept closed explode, filling him with memories of stares, of how his heart beats every time he looks into Buck's soft gaze when he talk with Chris.

And it hurts, it hurts to know that it took a shot in the shoulder to know that he actually does know love, that he's known it for so long, that it's been in front of him.

With Shannon his love was passionate, with Ana in this new relationship it was about calm and quiet, but now, as he bleeds out on the hot pavement, looking at Buck, he can understand that Buck is all of that.
He is passionate and calm. Reckless and patient. Buck has unknowingly become the perfect combination of what he's been looking for. That despite being as different as they were with Shannon, they are still alike as it is with Ana. Buck has slowly become what Eddie thought he didn't know and never would.

And his mind is filled with Buck.

Buck. Buck. Buck

**

When Eddie wakes up in a hospital bed with Buck by his side and a soft look on his face, he understands. He is full of love for him.

Now Eddie can affirm that yes, indeed, he does know this kind of love.