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From the Beginning

Summary:

So basically what i'm thinking so far is filling in the gaps in the story. Adding to Maya and Carina's story. All the conversations we don't see. All the in between moments. Additional scenes. Maya and Carina's story as it plays along in the show.

Notes:

So my question is/has been what happened after they met at the bar. I guess most would assume that they hooked up that night. And I did for a while too. But then I was thinking about what happened on the show. The next time we hear about Carina is when Andy asks “who’s Carina.” And Maya tells her a friend of mine from Grey Sloan. A friend? Maya talks to Carina about JJ and labor and the baby on a video call and Carina brings up her gold medal (so it’s clearly been mentioned at some point) and they flirt. And Maya mentions Carina again later in that episode. Her OB friend Carina. It’s after all that we see them in bed together. So it all made me wonder and this was born.

Chapter Text

“Maybe not.” Maya eyes the woman sitting next to her and smiles.

“So, may I ask why you are drinking alone?” Carina has turned to face Maya, her right elbow resting on the bar top, her hand in a fist underneath her chin. She can feel the hesitancy wafting off of Maya. Carina can already tell that this woman doesn’t talk about her feelings or things that happen in her life. That she tends to keep everything bottled up inside and would rather drink alone at a bar.

She waits for Maya to turn back to her. She watches Maya lick her lips before lifting her glass to them to take another drink.

“What if I said no.”

Carina furrows her brow. “Well, I guess I’d accept that answer, but you just look like maybe something is bothering you. I mean, drinking alone, in a bar.” She shrugs.

“Do you usually go around making assumptions about strangers?” Maya asks quickly. She doesn’t say it with a negative tone, more a curiosity than anything.

“Ah.” Carina raises an eyebrow. “We, as humans, always make assumptions about others. It’s a common thing. Not that assumptions are bad. They can be, but they don’t have to be. What are your assumptions about me, then?” She challenges. “I know you have some.”

Maya watches her. Eyes skimming her face before shifting lower, taking in this mysterious woman that has taken up residence on the bar stool next to her and who appears to not be leaving anytime soon. “You’re nosy. Bold. You get want you want, in general.”

“All true. Though I don’t know if I’d use the word nosy. Inquisitive, maybe.” Carina smirks.

“Smart.” Maya mumbles. She can clearly see that this woman is intelligent.

“Anything else?” Carina wants to know what Maya thinks of her. This little game that they are playing is interesting.

“Well-“ Maya swirls her drink around in its glass. “It’s less of an assumption and more of a fact, I think.”

Carina tilts her chin up waiting for what’s coming next.

“You’re tall and confident. That confidence is evident in the way you carry yourself and in turn makes you seem taller and larger than life. And that combined with your accent- Italian?” Carina nods. “Is super hot and sexy.”

Carina chuckles. “I’d say you’ve got a pretty good read on me, Captain.”

Maya scoffs.

“What?” Carina curls her lips up on one side.

“Captain.” Maya grumbles under her breath.

“Well, that’s how you introduced yourself.”

“And you see where you have all the confidence in the world that’s the one thing that I lack right now. Which usually isn’t a problem for me.” Maya brings her glass to her lips. It bothers her so much that she feels so out of sorts.

“How so?” Carina raises her glass of wine to her lips and takes a sip as well.

“I’m the captain of the fire station but I don’t feel like it. It was a recent promotion, and my team hates me for it. I took them on a camping trip to build team moral and it turned out to be a disaster. That’s how I ended up in the hospital with the nose.”

“I see.”

“It was supposed to help but I think it just made things worse. I just can’t believe it. I’m failing at this and I’ve never failed at anything in my life.” Maya turns to face Carina now, her whole body, not just her head turned to look at her. “I mean-“ She sighs. “I won a gold medal on a sprained ankle. I can do that, but I can’t do this.” She runs a hand through her hair in frustration.

“You won a gold medal? Like the Olympics?”

Maya smirks. “Yeah. Like the Olympics. London. 2012.”

“That’s impressive.” Carina runs her index finger around the rim of her wine glass. “So, why do you feel like your team hates you?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Andy hates me for sure. She won’t talk to me. She was my roommate and then she moved out and I don’t know where she lives even because she won’t talk to me. She thinks it should’ve been her to get the captain spot. She’s basically lived in the fire station since she was a little girl. Her father was the captain and he stepped down recently and everyone, myself included, thought Andy would get the promotion. See, Andy, and Jack and I were all lieutenants. But they’ve both been lieutenants longer. We all applied to be captain though. I never thought I would get it. Because of all that, but my dad always says if you want something go after it. Plus, you don’t know if you don’t try. But I got it and so they hate me.”

“Wow.” Carina breathes out. “That’s a lot.” She gives Maya a sympathetic smile.

“I guess.” Maya looks out across the bar, deflecting. She feels weird inside. This is not something she does. Share her feelings. With anyone, let alone this strange woman.

“So, that’s why you are drinking alone tonight?”

Maya sighs and looks back at Carina. “Yeah. Are you like a shrink? Is that what kind of doctor you are? Getting me to spill my guts to you.”

“Spill your guts?” Carina furrows her brow.

Maya rolls her eyes playfully, knowing English is this woman’s second language. “Tell you what’s bothering me.”

Carina nods. “Ah. No. I am an OB/GYN.”

Maya grins at that. “So, like, you look at vaginas all day?”

Carina chuckles. “Not all day but, si. I also deliver babies.”

“That come out of vaginas.”

Carina laughs. “Si. Si.”

Maya smiles at Carina’s little laugh. She notices that Carina’s wine is nearly gone. “You want another?” She motions to the glass.

Carina looks at the wine glass in question. It’s decision making time. It’s late but it’s not super late. Carina has a shift tomorrow but it doesn’t start until one in the afternoon. Another glass of wine at this hour won’t hurt anything. “Does that mean you aren’t drinking alone anymore?” She flirts.

Maya rolls her eyes playfully. “I mean, you can sit next to me, if you want. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Carina licks her lips and raises an eyebrow. “Promise?”

Maya exhales slowly. She raises her hand for the bartender to come over. She focuses on him and not the sexy Italian woman sitting next to her. “Another round for us.” She tells him. “Put it on my tab.”

Suddenly, there’s a hand on Maya’s thigh and she nearly jumps out of her skin. She slowly collects herself before looking over at Carina, trying to remain cool, calm.

“Thanks.” Carina says and gives her thigh a squeeze.

Maya thinks for a moment about self-care Wednesday. It’s not Wednesday though. She’s extended that to other days of the week before, so this could be the same. But then the hand is gone.

“You’re welcome.” Maya whispers before clearing her throat. “So, what is an Italian doing in Seattle?”

“Ah, originally, I came to do a study here because I couldn’t get it funded where I was working. And because my baby brother is here. He told me about his chief and when I heard about Dr. Bailey, I knew she would fund my study. And I was right.” Carina grins happily.

“I know Dr. Bailey. She’s married to one of my firefighters.”

“Si. Ben.” Carina smiles and nods. “I’ve worked with Ben. Briefly, but, si, yes.”

“We have more in common than I thought.” Maya hums. Their drinks arrive and Maya takes a sip of her whiskey. “I have a little brother too.”

“Is he just as annoying as my brother is?” Carina chuckles.

Maya pinches her lips together before taking another sip of her drink. “I don’t know.”

“What?”

The mood and atmosphere changes between them. More somber and quiet as Maya sets her drink down on the bar top. “I haven’t seen him in a long time. He’s not- he’s not-“ She doesn’t want to really talk about him. She doesn’t know why she even brought him up. Probably because Carina mentioned her brother.

“It’s okay.” Carina’s hand cover’s Maya’s on the bar. “You don’t have to say anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

Maya smiles her thanks as she looks at the hand on top of hers. She rubs her thumb over Carina’s fingers. “How is your brother annoying?”

“I think he thinks I came here to steal his lightning.” Carina looks up at the ceiling before her eyes return to Maya’s.

“Thunder.”

“Si. Thunder. He was cementing his feet at Grey Sloan when I showed up a few years ago but-“

“Oh, so you didn’t just move here?” Maya doesn’t mean to interrupt.

“No. I was here doing my study. I wasn’t even working as a doctor, just doing the study but then one thing led to another and then I had privileges at the hospital and yeah.” Carina shrugs. “But then I had to go back to Italy for a while. But I came back. I want to be around for a while to keep an eye on Andrea.”

“Andrea?”

Carina nods. “My brother. That’s his given name but he goes by Andrew.”

“That’s Andy’s name. Andrea. Though it’s pronounced a little differently. But only slightly now that I think about it.” Maya mentions. Not that it really matters. Just and interesting coincidence.

“Aren’t languages amazing?” Carina taps her finger against Maya’s hand.

Maya flips her hand over and Carina’s fingers tickle her palm. “It’s interesting. I know just a little bit of Spanish from Andy but that’s it. Just a dumb American who only knows English. Do you know any other languages?”

“Si. Italiano, obviously. English.” She runs her middle finger back and forth across Maya’s palm. “Some Spanish, mostly because it’s similar to Italian. And I little bit of French.” She runs her finger over the calluses on Maya’s hand that she knows she’s developed from being a firefighter.

“You’re very worldly.” Maya mumbles. She’s too busy watching Carina’s fingers play over her hand to have complete thoughts.

“If Andrea weren’t here, I don’t know if I would have stuck around this long.” Carina is into her third year in Seattle. Originally, she was just going to come to do the study and check in on Andrew and then see where life took her; but then she was doing more than the study and checking in on Andrew.

Maya hums. “I’ve lived in Seattle my entire life. Boring, I know.”

“That’s not boring. I’m sure you have a real connection to this city. It’s what keeps you rooted. What keeps you here.”

Again, Maya thinks Carina has hit the nail on the head. She’s not wrong with what she’s saying.

“You are a Fire Captain for the city, after all.” Carina reminds her.

The door to the bar opens and a noisy pair of men walk in. Maya flinches and pulls her hand away from Carina’s. In an attempt to recover, she grabs her drink and lifts it to her lips taking a bigger gulp than intended. It’s too much and she starts coughing. It turns into a coughing fit.

“Lift your left arm.” Carina instructs.

“Wh-what?” Maya coughs out.

“Mi nonna always says lift your left arm when you are choking but I don’t know if that’s medically proven to do anything.” Carina says quickly.

When Maya doesn’t lift her arm but continues coughing, Carina reaches out and lifts her right arm above her head, holding onto her wrist gently.

“That not-“ There’s more coughing. “-my left-“

“Stop talking.”

The bartender comes over. “Is she alright?”

“She’s fine. I’m a doctor.” Carina stands and gets behind Maya and raises her left arm too.

“What are you-“ The coughing won’t stop.

“I said stop talking.”

Maya wants to roll her eyes but the pressure on her chest and in her throat is starting to be relieved. The coughing stops after another minute. Carina lets her wrists go; her hand coming to rest on Maya’s back, rubbing circles there. “That’s better.” She mumbles before sitting back on her bar stool next to Maya.

Maya just stares over at her incredulously.

“What?” Carina asks.

Maya shakes her head and laughs.

“Mi nonna says raise the left arm but I think it could be either arm or both arms.”

“Aren’t you a doctor?” Maya smirks.

“Si.” Carina takes a sip of her wine.

Maya swivels around nervously on her bar stool. She doesn’t know what to do with all the energy she has all of a sudden. She doesn’t know where it came from, either. It definitely wasn’t there when she first sat down at the bar, but then neither was the woman next to her.

Maya watches her for a few moments. Openly. She sees Carina glance over at her but then look away again, well aware that Maya is watching her. Maya is trying to think of something to talk about but can’t come up with anything that she doesn’t think sounds too dumb. There’s this worldly Italian sitting next to her and all she can do is stare at her.

“What’s Italy like?” Maya cringes as she asks the question. It sounds so dumb coming out of her mouth.

Carina turns back to her so that they are face to face again. She quirks an eyebrow at Maya. “Why? You thinking of going there?” She teases.

Maya shakes her head. “You hear story, tales, see stuff on tv or in movies. Is it as romantic as people make it out to be?”

Carina brings her wine glass to her lips again. “Depends.”

“On?”

“Where you are, I suppose. Just like every country. There are romantic parts and then there are the parts that no one sees or talks about.”

“That makes sense.” Maya nods.

“Where have you been?”

“What do you mean?” Maya doesn’t understand the question. She’s already told Carina that she’s only ever lived in Seattle.

“Like, visited, in the world.”

Maya nods. That makes more sense. “London. For the Olympics.”

“That’s it?” Carina smirks. She almost can’t believe it.

“Well, all over the United States for track but we would just go and come back. I never got to do any sight seeing or traveling or whatever. I was always busy and had to focus on track.”

“So did you run long distance or are you just super-fast?”

“Super-fast.” Maya smirks. She did run long distance but she was super-fast at it.

“Do you still run?”

“Everyday. Unless I don’t get a chance if I’m working a 24 hour shift. But on shift, I usually run on the treadmill. I prefer to run outside though. I can go out and start running and just go. I run for miles and miles. I lose myself in it. But on the track, the event I won my medal in was long distance. So I have lots of stamina.”

“Interessante.”

“It’s all rather boring. Everyone always groans when I ramble on about running.”

“Can I see your medal sometime?” Carina asks.

Maya opens and closes her mouth. She’s not sure what to say. She eyes Carina trying to figure out if she’s really asking or just asking to make conversation. If she’s really asking, what Carina just asked would imply that they will see each other after tonight. See each other again.

Carina sees her hesitancy. “You don’t have to. I was just curious.” She gives Maya an out.

“No, it’s just- that part of my life is over. I don’t show people my medal.”

“And yet, you told me about it tonight.” Carina smirks.

Maya bites her bottom lip. This woman sitting with her is really something. She can’t exactly put her finger on what it is that has made Maya reveal more than she would to anyone else. Maybe it’s Carina’s confidence or her own opennessb but Maya thinks it’s something other than that as well.

“I don’t know why I did.” She says honestly.

“Bragging about your accomplishments, maybe?” Carina smirks and raises an eyebrow.

“Maybe.” Maya wrinkles her brow together. Usually, she doesn’t brag. Most people that she’s trying to pick up don’t like a bragger. Actually, most people that she’s trying to pick up she doesn’t talk this much with. That leads to another thought. Is she trying to pick up this woman and bring her home for a quick hook up?

When Maya set up shop at the bar tonight it was supposed to be by herself and for her to drink away her problems for the night and forget about everything. Instead, she’s barely had two drinks and has mostly been talking to the Italian sitting next to her. She wasn’t looking for a hook up. And she’s not really sure if this is turning into that or not. It’s far different from most situations she’s found herself in before.

But then Carina is standing next to her, a hand on the small of her back. Maya just barely prevents herself from openly moaning at the touch. There’s a napkin from the bar being slid in front of her.

“If you ever change your mind about the medal, let me know.” Carina whispers in her ear. “I am curious to see it, but I understand if you don’t want to show me or- anybody.”

The hot breath on her ear and neck tickles. A shiver runs down Maya’s spine. She feels herself nodding. It’s all happening so fast, and she can’t keep up. The hand is gone from her back. The woman that had been sitting within inches of her for nearly two hours is taking a step back. Maya turns. “Wait.” She’s confused. “You’re leaving?”

Carina nods. “I have a shift at the hospital tomorrow. I can’t stay out all night.” She blows a kiss with her hand and adds a little wave. “Ciao.”

Maya sits there and watches Carina back her way to the door. Carina points at the bar top just before turning and pushing the bar door open and disappearing into the night. Maya turns back to the bar and looks down at the napkin with a phone number on it. She looks over her shoulder again at the door.

“What the fuck just happened?” She mumbles to herself. Maya motions the bartender over again. “Another.” She points at her drink.

“Who was that?” He asks of her white wine companion.

“Apparently, Dr. Carina DeLuca.” She lifts the napkin and looks at the numbers on it.

“Never heard of her. And I’ve heard of a lot of doctors.” The bartender shakes his head.

“Neither have I.” Her thumb rubs over the numbers on the napkin.

“She gave you her number.”

Maya nods. “Yeah.” She lets out a long breath. “She wants to see-“ Maya stops herself. “Yeah, she gave me her number.” She leaves it at that.

Maya punches the number into her phone and saves the contact as Dr. DeLuca. She puts her phone, along with the bar napkin, in her coat pocket. Maya grips onto her glass and takes a drink, resuming her nights drinking activities to forget about her job and her day and her team.

Except she doesn’t want to forget about what just happened at the bar so Maya finishes that drink and heads home.

Chapter Text

Maya stares at the contact in her phone. The one she saved in the bar last week after she was given a napkin with a phone number on it. The napkin that she tucked into her bedside table that night when she got home for safe keeping. Just in case something would happen to the contact in her phone.

Dr. DeLuca

The name stares back at her.

“Maya, let’s go.” Andy yells for her.

She quickly sends out a text message. I hope I’m not bothering you. But I’ve got a woman at the station that has gone into labor. And with the storm we can’t get her to the hospital. What do I do? This is Maya by the way. Maya Bishop. Captain Maya Bishop.

Maya hits send before she can even reread what she typed out. Too nervous to even second guessing herself. And she doesn’t have time for that. People need here help right now and she doesn’t have time to deal with her own thoughts about whether Carina will want to hear from her or not.

Thankfully, she gets a message back right away.

Just keep the mother calm and as relaxed as possible. Maybe a warm bath or shower. You can call me if you need an tips or help but you just have to let nature take it’s course.

Maya groans. None of that is very helpful, in Maya’s opinion. She flies out of the room to go find Andy and JJ.


She bounces her leg nervously as the phone rings.

“Hello.”

Maya takes a deep breath. “Oh good, I need you.”

Carina chuckles at her. “Well, hello to you too.” She says smoothly but sees that Maya isn’t in the mood. “Just try to stay calm.” She can tell that Maya is not calm just by looking at her through the phone screen.

Maya rolls her eyes at that. “Easier said than done. She wants an epidural, but we can’t do that here. I don’t know what else I can do. It’s not like I’m trained to deliver babies.”

“Ah, but I am. You have EMT training, Maya. Just rely on that and you’ll be fine. And for the mamma there’s not much you can do for the pain. There is one thing I can suggest though I don’t know how well that will work in a fire station.”

“What is it? This woman is begging for anything for the pain.”

“Well, it was sort of part of my study. Pain and the effects an orgasm can have on it.” Carina licks her lips.

Maya scrunches up her face. “So you’re saying-“ She wants to make sure she has this right.

Carina nods and smiles. “Si, yes.”

“Does that really work though?” Maya is skeptical.

“It won’t completely eliminate pain or keep it away forever but yes. The pain will subside because the body produces a natural oxytocin.”

“Wow.”

“The female body is fascinating.” Carina tells her.

Maya just nods. She’s busy thinking about everything that Carina has just said.

“If mamma is relaxed and if you’re relaxed there is really nothing to be done. Let nature do what it does.”


Once the station is cleared out, and everything is cleaned up, and they all get something to eat; Maya retires to her office. It’s been a long day. She goes into her bunk and takes her shoes off. It was a wild, stressful day and even Maya needs some rest.

She always has a hard time sleeping at the station. She thinks it’s the adrenaline that courses through her veins while she’s at work that keeps her awake most of the time. Maya lays down regardless. She takes her phone from her pocket and looks to see if she has any messages. There’s only one. A text message. She opens it.

How’d it go with the mamma and the bambino?

Before she knows what she is doing, Maya opens up a video call.

“Ciao.” The voice is groggy and Carina rubs her eyes before blinking a few times to get a better view of the person who is calling her.

“Did I wake you?” Maya asks. “I’m sorry.” She just now looks at the time.

“No, actually.” Carina holds a hand over her face, some to prevent the blinding light from the screen from invading her eyes and some from Maya to really be able to see her face. “It’s good to- how’d it go with the mamma and baby?” Carina remembers her conversation with Maya earlier that day for maybe the first time since they had it.

It’s been a long day for her, too. The hospital was crazy and on top of all that Andrew had to go out and risk his life in the middle of the snowstorm and stupidly not wear gloves and get frostbite on his hands in the process. She spent most of the afternoon and evening trying to deal with him and his hands.

Carina is at home now, but not sleeping because she’s worried about her brother. She thinks about telling Maya about her day but decided not to. They don’t know each other that well. Carina doesn’t want to unload her problems on Maya. Better to try to keep the conversation light between them.

“Oh, fine.” Maya shrugs, nonchalantly.

Carina giggles. “You were freaking out the last time I talked with you. And now it’s oh, fine.”

“I was not freaking out.” Maya defends. She stiffens her posture.

Carina hums. “You were, but I digress. The labor went well, I take it. I didn’t get any more panicked calls from you.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Yeah.” She hates that Carina is calling her out on her lack of calm during the whole birthing process.

“I saw that.” Carina mumbles.

“What?”

She grins. “You rolled your eyes at me.” Carina runs a hand through her hair and sits up in bed with a frustrated sigh.

“What?” Maya asks when she hears the sigh curious as to what the doctor could be frustrated about.

Carina shakes her head with a smile. “It was just a long day.”

“I agree.” Maya hums.

“Listen, Maya. As much as I’ve enjoyed talking to you on video call today, it’s not my thing.”

“Oh.” Maya is disappointed.

Carina can hear it in her voice. “No, not like that. I have enjoyed it, but I prefer to be able to see the person I’m talking with in person, face to face. Video calls are so impersonal. I like to be able to interact with someone in person. It’s more-”

“You can see my medal.” Maya blurts out.

A slow grin spread over Carina’s lips. “I just said that about your medal because I wanted to see you again after the night in the bar.”

Maya slowly realizes what is happening. She smirks. “Is that so?”

Carina nods. “Si. When can I see your medal?” She says instead of when can I see you.

The blonde doesn't miss a beat though. “You can see me right now.” Maya messes with her.

Carina shakes her head. “No, no, no. All I can see is your face. I want to see all of you. In person. Preferably, naked and in bed.”

Maya closes her eyes and sucks in a quick breath. “You can’t do that?”

“Why not?” Carina gets serious. “Did I read this the wrong way? Are you not single? Are you not interested in that? I thought you were.”

“Oh, I am. Just- you can’t tease me like that while you are wherever you are-“

“At home.”

“And while I’m here at the station.” Maya finally opens her eyes to look back at the brunette through the phone.

“Oh.” Carina grins. “When do you get off then?” She bites her bottom lip between her teeth.

Maya shakes her head and takes a deep breath. “For some whose first language isn’t English, you sure know how to flirt in English.”

Carina laughs. “Flirting is just as much about the unspoken words as it is the spoken ones. Body language, touch, being able to look into someone’s eyes. All just as important as what you say verbally.”

Maya hasn’t really thought about it that way, but she tends to agree. “Do you work tomorrow?”

“No.”

“Good. I’m off at eight tomorrow morning.”

“So, in a few hours?” Carina pieces everything together.

“You wanna meet me at the fire station? I can show you my medal. And we can go from there.” Maya is forming a plan in her head.

“Your medal is at the station?” Carina finds that curious.

Maya just nods. She’s not sure what to say.

“Okay. Yeah, that’s good. Go to sleep now, bella. You’ll need your rest before morning.”

Maya wears a soft grin. She’s not sure what the word Carina used means but she knows it’s something in Italian. She also is endeared to the thought of Carina wanting her rested. “It’s going to be super hard to sleep now knowing what’s coming up after my shift.”

Carina laughs. “I’m looking forward to it as well. Close your eyes. Relax. I’ll see you in a few hours. Ciao.” She ends the call.

Maya sighs, staring at the phone screen for a few seconds after Carina’s face has disappeared. She sets the phone on the table and closes her eyes. She knows she probably won’t sleep but tries to relax, like Carina said.


Maya is actually asleep when they get called out to a kitchen fire just before six in the morning. It’s strange because she doesn’t usually sleep well at the station and if she does get any sleep, Maya is awake at like five a.m. everyday anyway. So, to be wakened up from a dead sleep for a call is a bit jarring.

She runs to the engine. Everyone is already there and ready to go. Gibson starts to pull the truck out of the station before Maya is inside and has her door closed completely.

“Morning, Captain.” Jack grins, messing with her.

“Shut up.” Maya mumbles.

There are a few chuckles from Miller and Herrera.

“Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed.” Miller mumbles.

“I did not. I was just- asleep.” Maya admits.

There is silence in the cab for a few seconds. The other three occupants stunned into silence.

“Are you feeling alright?” Miller adds after a moment.

“I’m fine. Yesterday was just a long day. Let’s get to this call and get it taken care of so we can all go home at some point today.” Maya says as she looks over the details of the building on her tablet. Her mind briefly wanders to the plan she had made for this morning after her shift was over. Maya wonders if she should text Carina and cancel. She has no idea what they are about to roll up on or how long it could take to put the fire out and do overhaul.

Gibson turns the corner, and the destination comes into view. There is smoke coming from a first floor window, but they don’t see any visible flames. Maya’s mind snaps back to the task at hand, her job.


Carina walks through what’s left of the sloppy slushy snow from the storm the day prior. It’s warmed up considerably and everything has melted to the point where you can drive on the streets or walk to where you need to go, albeit, with wet feet if you don’t have winter boots.

She took a cab most of the way to the station. Carina lives only a few blocks from the hospital. Which is easy for her to walk to work to if she wants. But she looked up the fire station and determined it was too far to walk there. And she didn’t want to drive in the sloppy snow. It’s not something Carina has ever done, and she doesn’t feel comfortable trying to drive on snow today.

She lifts her mittened hand from her coat pocket to pull the door open to the front of the fire station. She steps inside and looks around. Carina has never been in a fire station before.

“Can I help you?” A man from behind the desk, to her right, asks as the door slips closed behind her.

Carina pulls her mittens off. “I think so." She looks around the room, getting a better view now that she is properly inside. “I’m here to see Captain Bishop.”

“Ah, unfortunately she’s not here right now.”

“Oh?” Carina tilts her head to the side slightly. “I’m supposed to meet her here at eight. I know I’m a little early but-“

“They’re out on a call.” The man informs her.

“Ah, si, that makes sense.”

“You didn’t get to go with?” Carina asks. She comes over and leans her forearms on the desktop.

Travis shakes his head. “Someone has to stay behind to greet pretty ladies at the front door.” He smirks, charming.

Carina smiles. “Thank you. But I hope you’re not trying to hit on me. I’m here to see Maya.”

“No. I’m-“ Travis stops. The pieces coming together in his mind. This woman just used Maya’s first name and not Captain Bishop. She’s not here to see Maya in a business manner. “Oh.” He looks Carina up and down. “OH!” He smirks.

Carina smiles and nods.

“I’m Travis. And while I can see that you are very attractive, I’m gay.”

“Ah.” Carina nods. “A pleasure to meet you, Travis. Do you have any idea when Maya will be back?”

“Captain Bishop and the team shouldn’t be that much longer. I heard over the radio that they were doing overhaul. Which means they are almost done. You can wait in Maya’s office, if you’d like.” Travis points across the hall.

“Thank you, Travis. I think I will.” Carina spins on her heels to go over to the office.

“You work at the hospital, don’t you?” Travis’ interest is piqued.

“Si, I do.” Carina turns back to him.

Travis nods. “I heard about you last night. After everything. You gave Bishop tips on what to do with JJ while she was in labor.”

Carina doesn’t know who JJ is, but she knows it’s the pregnant woman that Maya had called her about the day before. “I did. It helps to have OB friends sometimes.”

“Friends, right.” Travis nods knowingly.

Carina winks at him before turning and going into Maya’s office. She looks around the room but there’s not much to see. She doesn’t want to snoop but would like a few clues about Maya. But there’s virtually nothing. She wonders where Maya’s medal is. She did say it was at the station.

She sits in one of the chairs at the desk, opposite the captain’s chair and pulls out her phone and starts a game of Solitaire while she waits.

Eight a.m. comes and goes. Travis knocks on the door to let Carina know that it’s shift change and that he’s going home but that the B crew is here, and they know she’s in Maya’s office. She thanks him.

It’s nearly half past eight when the truck returns to the station. Carina hears the commotion but waits patiently in the office.


Maya is only focused on getting back to her bunk and changing out of her uniform that she doesn’t realize that someone is sitting in her office as she opens the door.

Carina turns to look at her and Maya jumps. “You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing here?” She’s more surprised than anything right now.

“Did you forget?” Carina stands up.

Maya swallows thickly. “N-no.”

“We agreed to meet at eight. When you got done with your shift.” Carina takes a step towards Maya, eyeing her up and down.

“I know.” Maya tries to stand up a little taller.

“Nice uniform.” She smirks.

Maya looks down at her clothing and shrugs. “It’s what I’m required to wear. I can’t say that I hate it, but I also find it rather square, boxy, I don’t know. It’s not like I have a choice.”

Carina closes the distance between them. She runs her index finger over the embroidered lettering that spell Capt. Bishop. “Well, I think you look great, Captain.”

“Uh-“ Maya tries to side step Carina. “-I’m just going to change real quick and then we can get going.” Maya doesn’t do this. She doesn’t hang out with her hook ups. Not before, except to actually pick someone up, and not after. And they both are clear on what’s going to happen so there’s really no point, in Maya’s mind, to dawdle.

Carina blocks her path. “You said you’d show me your medal.”

Maya nods. “Right. Yes. Let me just-“ She slides past Carina. She’s not gone for more than two minutes before she returns.

“You have your own room at the station?” Carina asks with a little glint in her eye.

Maya smirks. “It’s nothing special. Just a bunk.”

“If you say so.” Carina tilts her head towards the door.

Maya nods. “You still want to see my medal?”

Carina smiles, big. “Si, please.”

“Okay.” Maya swipes past her. “Follow me.”

Carina does just that, admiring Maya from behind as they walk out of the captain’s office. They swing around the corner and Maya stops in front of the display case. “There it is.”

“Hmm?” Carina was too focused on watching Maya that she doesn’t realize what she is saying.

She points. “My medal.”

“Oh.”

Maya shoves her hands into her jacket pockets. She thinks back to that day. It had all started out so well. There were nerves sure but Maya had trained and prepared for this day for months, years even. She was ready. And then she rolled her ankle in practice before the big run. But she gutted through it and it was all worth it in the end.

“Can I touch it?” Carina looks over at Maya and licks her lips.

“Oh, um-“ Maya looks around. There’s no one in their vicinity, which Maya is thankful for. She doesn’t want to have to explain to anyone what the situation is between her and Carina. Not that there’s a situation, it’s just easier if things are left unsaid. “No.”

Maya can see the clear disappointment on Carina’s face. “Oh, okay.”

“Let’s go.”

It’s not what Carina wanted. She wanted to see the medal, yes. But she also wanted to touch it and hold it, feel the weight of it in her hands, maybe even wear it around her neck for a moment. But she doesn’t want to press the issue. She remembers what today, right now, is about. And she thinks that’s good. It’s good to spend some of her free time doing something. Something other than worrying about her brother. Carina hasn’t thought about him all morning. And that was the goal of her meet up with Maya. To distract herself from Andrea and what is happening with him.

She follows Maya out of the building. “Did you want to get coffee or something?” Maya asks, pulling Carina from her thoughts.

“We don’t have to but-“ Carina sucks her bottom lip into her mouth. She could really use a coffee. Not that she’s feeling overly down, there’s just a lot going on right now that she’s juggling, and a little boost would help right now. Plus, she didn’t have her usual coffee this morning before she left her apartment because she was excited to go meet Maya.

“We’re getting coffee then. There’s a really good place a block from here.” Maya takes charge, sending a brief smile in Carina’s direction before focusing forward and on walk in the melting slushy snow.

She looks down at her boots and then looks over at Carina’s footwear. “Do you not have boots?” Maya looks up to see Carina shake her head. “Do you want to get a cab or something?” She’s worried about Carina getting wet feet.

“No, this is fine. I’ll be fine.”

Maya isn’t sure it will be fine.

They walk mostly in silence. Maya looks over at her companion every minute or so. It’s a short walk so it’s not too awkward but Maya wishes she knew what to talk about. Anything really, would be better than the silence. But she realizes that Carina hasn’t said anything either and that the silence between them is comfortable.

Maya orders her coffee and then waits for Carina to order hers. She’s about to pay for their drinks when a gentle hand comes down on her arm.

“I’ll get it.” Carina says softly. “You paid for my drink at the bar.”

All Maya can do is nod. Even though she wears a jacket and a shirt underneath it; the hand on her arm feels like it is burning into her skin. “Thanks.” She whispers.

The hand is gone as Carina goes to pay for their coffees.

They wait. “So, I only live another block from here.”

Carina looks at Maya for a second before reaching up and flipping her hair from one side to the other. She watches Maya’s eyes as Maya watches her movement. They flicker between her hair and her hand and her lips. So knows full well what she is doing to Maya.

“Is everything you do sexy?” Maya asks.

Carina giggles and shakes her head.

It’s another minute before they have their drinks and then they leave the coffee shop, cups in hand. Maya leads the way down the sidewalk.

A man on a bike approaches them and they move over to one side of the sidewalk to let him through. Some of the sloppy snow splashes up from the bike tires. Maya takes the brunt of the splatter on her winter boots and pants being the closer of the two of them as he passes.

They are tucked close together, side by side, and Carina wraps her palm around the inside of Maya’s elbow. Maya doesn’t acknowledge the change but the corners of her lips twitch wanting to smile.

“I live close to the hospital too.”

“Hmm.” Maya doesn’t quite comprehend what Carina is saying.

“You only live a few blocks from the fire station. I only live like a block and a half from the hospital.”

Maya hums. “Great minds think alike.” She smirks and glances over at Carina. She gives a good glimpse of her profile. The woman is absolutely stunning and has one of the best profiles Maya has ever seen. “I don’t think I could live any further away. I’d have too much anxiety about not being able to be within walking distance to the station.”

“Walking distance can be more than a couple of blocks. But I totally understand. I live near the hospital in case of emergencies or when I’m on call. Need to get there, chop chop.”

Maya comes to a stop. Carina stops with her. She stares at Carina for a moment. “We’re here.” Maya says and looks up at her building. Her stomach does a weird flip. She’s not sure why. This isn’t out of the ordinary. She brings people back to her apartment all the time. Well, not all the time but it happens.

“Oh, good.” Carina approaches the door, leaving Maya standing on the sidewalk by herself for a moment. She immediately misses the warmth of having Carina at her side. She shivers, thinking that’s why, she’s cold. She looks up to see Carina stands at the door waiting to be let inside. Carina raises any eyebrow at Maya before Maya moves and hurries to unlock the front door.

“I’m on the top floor.” There are only three floors, but Maya will forever be thankful that she is on the top floor and that there is no one above her. She goes to take the stairs like she always does but Carina moves over towards the elevator. “Oh, um- I guess we could take the elevator.” Carina has already pushed the button. Maya moves over to stand next to her as they wait for the elevator doors to open.

They hop inside and Maya pushes the 3 button. As soon as the doors close, Carina steps into Maya’s side and wraps her hand around the back of her neck, pulling her in for a bruising kiss. All heat and tongues and faces smashed together with urgency.

The elevator dings and the doors open and Carina pulls away as if nothing ever happened and steps out of the elevator. Maya has to take a deep breath to collect herself before stepping out. She has her apartment key in her hand, ready to go. The walk to her door is a short one.

Maya unlocks the door and motions for Carina to step inside before her. Which Carina does. She steps inside the apartment and looks around. The living room area and the kitchen are an open floor plan, and she can see both areas at once. There isn’t too much for decoration, but the area is neat, tidy. Nothing seems to be out of place or laying around. Carina walks into the kitchen and sets her coffee cup on the island counter.

For her part, Maya shuts the door and follows Carina. Her coffee cup ends up next to Carina’s on the counter. “So… you want the grand tour?” She’s noticed Carina has taken an interest in her apartment. “You want me to show you around?”

Carina licks her lips, raising her hand and rubbing her thumb along her lower lip. “Just show me your bedroom.” She husks.

Maya reaches out her hand. Carina takes it and she turns and walks them into the bedroom.

As soon as the bedroom door is closed, Maya feels lips on hers again. It all happens so fast. Before she knows it, Maya is on her back on the bed, her pants being pulled down her legs.

Carina stands tall for a moment and wraps Maya’s bed sheet around her body.

It’s not a position Maya finds herself in often. She is a take charge kind of gal, in control, leading the exercise sort. She watches from her back and Carina kneels over her before crouching down with a smirk. Her brain is a jumble and words are scarce as lips kiss up from her knee along the inside of her right thigh.

It’s pure ecstasy when the release comes. Quick, just the thing she needed after a stressful shift.

“That’s one way to get to know me better.”

Carina comes out from under the sheet and flips her hair to one side all in one fluid movement.

“I find it’s the fastest way.” Carina grins into a kiss and Maya rolls them over.

After Maya turns Carina into a moaning mess they lay on the bed quietly. Maya lays on her back staring up at the ceiling. Carina is at her side, laying on her right side, her fingertips running up and down Maya’s left arm.

“I figured you’d be strong.” She squeezes Maya’s bicep gently.

Maya would usually say something snarky about that but all she can think about is how they've finished, and Carina is still here. And how she is going to get her to leave. It’s not a usual hook up in a sense that it’s late morning now. It wasn’t some late night thing that just happened. There was some planning and orchestration here.

“I’ve never done this before.” Maya blurts.

Carina stops her gentle touches and looks at Maya in confusion.

“No. Not that.” Maya shakes her head. She debates what to tell Carina, but she’s already opened her stupid mouth, so she continues. “Usually, I just take someone home from the bar or wherever we meet and then I make them leave in the morning.”

Carina looks at her. Like really looks at her. Soft brown eyes staring deep into her soul kind of look. She’s not sure what Maya is trying to say. “It’s morning.”

Maya chuckles. “Yes. Forget I said anything.”

Carina frowns. She’s so confused right now. “Hard to forget, but you’re saying you’re going to make me leave when we are done?”

Maya swallows hard and nods. “I just got off a 24 hour shift, I need to sleep.”

Carina thinks it’s just an excuse. She leans into Maya and kisses her. Maybe she can get her to change her mind.

It doesn’t work completely though. They go another round before Maya asks Carina to leave.

Chapter 3

Notes:

The rating for this story has changed to Mature.

So NSFW.

Chapter Text

Carina arrives at the station with the Tupperware in hand. She goes in and spot a man behind the front desk and goes over to him.

“How can I help you?” His voice is cold. He isn’t very enthusiastic sounding about helping people.

“I’m here to see Captain Bishop.” Carina smiles brightly.

“Did you have an appointment with her?” He narrows his eyes at her. It’s late in the day for appointments.

“I do not.” She puts the Tupperware on the desktop. “I just brought her something to eat.” Carina tries to keep it simple.

His eyes shift over to Maya’s office. “She’s in her office.” He grunts somewhat rudely.

Carina raises an eyebrow at him. “Thank you.” She turns to go into the office.


‘The lasagna smells almost as good as you.’

‘Does it?’

Maya nods into the next kiss. She’s not sure that she likes Carina just showing up at the station though. A warning would have been nice. She’s about to say something about it when her stomach growls. She chuckles nervously. “I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning.”

Carina turns to grab the lasagna. “Then let’s go heat this up.”

Maya groans. She steps away from Carina. “Can’t we just hide out in my office all evening?” She goes and sits at her desk. “I don’t want to run into anyone upstairs.”

“Are you avoiding them?” Carina comes to sit on the edge of Maya’s desk, right next to her desk chair.

“I think they would be avoiding me. They don’t want to be around me.” Maya looks down at her hands in her lap.

“What happened today?” Carina only knows that it was a hard day. Ben didn’t fill her in on any details. But from Maya’s mood and the man at the front desk she would guess that it was something bad. “That guy out there wasn’t too chipper to see me when I walked in.”

Maya hums. “Jack. No.”

“Jack.” Carina rolls the name over her tongue.

“He might be on desk duty for a while. I suppose he doesn’t want to be around any of the crew right now either.”

Carina nods. Maya isn’t giving her much to go off of. “When I saw Ben-“

“What did he tell you?” Maya is short with her words. “Cuz I don’t need anybody else going around bad mouthing me today.” She runs her hands up and down her thighs, anxiety clawing at her.

“He just said it was a rough day for the station. Who was bad mouthing you?”

“Nobody.” Maya jumps up from her chair. “Nevermind. Forget I said anything.” She walks over to the office door. “Are you coming?”

Carina raises her eyebrows but follows Maya out of the room, container with lasagna in hand.

“We’ll be up in the beanery.” Maya mumbles to Jack.

He nods his head but doesn’t say anything. He watches as Maya takes the stairs two at a time, followed by the tall, lean woman behind her taking them slower, one at a time. Jack wonders who she is as his eyes linger on her backside.

“This is the beanery. It’s where we eat and prepared food.” Maya pushes the button on the microwave to open it. “Here.” She holds her hand out for the container of lasagna.

“You can’t heat this up in there.”

“Why not?” Maya stares at Carina like she just said the silliest thing in the world.

“Because it will lose its integrity.”

Maya snorts out a laugh. “Integrity? I don’t care about its integrity. I just want it hot so I can it eat. And I want to do it fast. We don’t have time to reheat leftovers in the oven here. This is the quickest way.”

Carina hands over the lasagna. “If you insist.”

They go back to Maya’s office with the hot lasagna. They sit opposite each other and Carina watches Maya eat. Maya doesn’t like the eyes on her this time. She’s enjoyed Carina’s eyes on her in their pervious encounters but now she feels like she is being watched, judged. Just another person judging her for her choices.

“Are you going to lecture me?” Maya asks around a mouthful of food.

Carina simply shakes her head.

“So, you’re just going to watch me eat?”

“I can do something else, if you’d like.” Carina stands up and goes to look out the window.

Maya frowns at that. It’s not really any better with her eating and Carina standing there looking out the window.

“Did you really come all the way down here just because Warren said we had a bad day?”

“Si.” Carina says to the window. “I had some lasagna leftover and I thought it would be a nice thing to do.”

“A nice thing to do?” Maya mumbles mostly to herself and ponders what that means. At first, she was mad that Carina had just showed up here out of the blue. But then the lasagna smelled good, and she was hungry. Maya was just going to hide away from everyone in her office the whole night, unless they got a call. Even if that meant starving.

“Did you make this?” Maya asks as she takes the last bite.

Carina looks over her shoulder and nods.

“It’s really good.” Maya smiles. “Like, really really good.”

“Grazie.” Carina bounces a little before turning and coming back over to the desk. She takes the chair opposite Maya again. “Soooo, do you want to talk about today or not?”

Maya sighs. She leans back in her chair, her hands gripping the armrest.

“I screwed up. I shouldn’t have let Jack and Rigo work together today. But they said they could and so I let them. I should have known better. I should have known that two men with big egos who were at odds with each other needed more time, more space. They shouldn’t have worked together. And that’s on me. And now Vasquez is in the hospital in, God knows, what condition.” Maya shakes her head. She doesn’t want to talk about this. She doesn’t want to talk about her feelings and failures.

But she continues. “He could die. And that’s on me. That’s my fault. They are my responsibility. Everything is. I’m the captain. Andy yelled at me.”

“Oh?” Carina raises an eyebrow.

“I yelled back.” Maya scoffs. “She told me that everything falls on me. Everything is my responsibility. Every decision I make. Every call. Good or bad. I take the blame. And Gibson and Vasquez got into it and got themselves blown up and that’s on me.”

Carina looks over her shoulder out into the hall at Jack sitting at the reception desk. Things are starting to make sense now. His mood. Maya’s mood.

“Vasquez took the brunt of it but still. I could have gotten them all killed. And Hughes. Her too. I have no idea what I’m doing.” Maya sighs and rests her elbows on her desk, her hands go on the top of her head. “If he dies, there’ll be a death investigation. I’m sure they’ll ax me right then and there. The shortest-lived captain in fire station history.”

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Carina offers. She’s not sure what to say really.

Maya scoffs and looks up and over at her. “It is. And everyone hates me. I told them to get in line or transfer stations if they didn’t like me. I didn’t see any takers, but I doubt they would admit they are transferring to my face.”

Maya smacks her palm against her desktop. “They hate me and don’t respect me.”

“Who has an ego problem now?” Carina tries to tease.

“I don’t have-“ Maya scowls at her. “Is that how I come across to you?”

Carina sighs. She gets up from her seat and rounds the desk. “No.” She takes Maya’s right hand in both her hers, rubbing and massaging her palm. “You do seem to want praise and respect though. But I think that it needs to come with time. You need to earn it, no?”

Maya nods. She knows Carina is right.

“It sounds like it was a difficult day for everyone. Not just you. Or Jack. Or Andy. All of you. Some time and space is probably good. We can hide out in here if you want. I will do that with you. I kind of wanted a tour of the whole station though.”

Maya smiles softly. Here is this incredible woman. She didn’t ask her to come. She didn’t ask her to be here. Carina just showed up. With food just for her. She appreciates it, she realizes. “I’m sorry about earlier. I’m just-“ she shrugs.

“Going through a difficult time.” Carina finishes for Maya.

Maya nods. “Yeah.”

Carina leans against the edge of the desk and watches Maya for a moment. A soft smile on her face. Their eyes linked.

“Thank you.” Maya whispers. She says it so quietly, but the emotion shines brightly through her eyes and smile.

“You are very welcome, bella. Anytime.” Carina tells the captain. They’ve only known each other a short time but Carina feels like she would and could do just about anything to help Maya and make her feel better.

They are quiet for a little bit. Just sharing smiles every now and then. Maya mostly just watches her own hand in Carina’s as the Italian caresses it.

The alarm goes off for a call. Maya’s eyes go wide, her heart rate picks up.

“You’ll do amazing.” Carina encourages her.

“I have to go.” Maya stands and pulls he hand out of Carina’s.

Carina nods. “Go.”

Maya hesitates for a brief second. She takes one step and then stops. She leans in and presses a kiss to the corner of Carina’s mouth. It’s quick and then she’s gone, running off to the fire engine.

Carina stays in Maya’s office for a moment for she hears the engine roll out of the garage with its sirens on. A small smile on her lips. She looks around and finds a notepad. It’s on a clipboard on the corner of Maya’s desk. The top sheet is blank, so she reaches for it and gets a pen. She scratches out a quick note before she leaves. She waves at Jack at the front desk as she exits.

Maya comes back into her office after the call. Nothing terrible happened so she’s going to consider it a success even though there are things she could have improved now that she thinks about it. Maya ponders over the call for a few minutes before something catches her eye.

The items on her desk are out of order. The clipboard with the notebook on the corner of her desk has been moved and now sits dead center. She sees the words there. For a second, she gets irritated that someone used her notepad to write on but then she actually reads what the note says.

Captain,

Thank you for letting me stick around your office tonight. I know it was unexpected. I just wanted to do a nice thing. Remember that. I want to do nice things for you. I want to do lots of nice things for you, if you’ll let me. I hope you enjoyed the lasagna. I can make you some more sometime if you want. (winky face) I hope you have a good rest of your shift.

Carina.

Maya can’t help but smile at the little note. She thinks it’s cute. She reads it a second time before ripping the paper from the notepad and slipping it into her bottom desk drawer, so no one sees it and maybe for safe keeping.

Maya grabs her phone. She checks the time. It’s late but that doesn’t stop her. She types out a text message. I got your note. Thank you. Maya ponders on what else to say but doesn’t know. She hits send and sighs.

She has a strange feeling in her chest. Maya thinks maybe that it’s gratitude. She’s grateful that Carina is a kind enough person to want to check in on her after she’s had a bad day. Appreciation, maybe. Those are similar feelings, though.

The problem isn’t what the feeling is. The problem is that Maya is feeling it. She doesn’t do feelings. That’s the whole part of a one night stand or a short fling, to not have feelings. To not get caught up in something. To not let feelings get in the way and make things messy. She’s got a job to do and she needs to focus on that. If anything, that should be the top priority right now. She’s on the edge of this whole captain thing. She needs to focus on that and figure it out.

But there’s just something about Carina that Maya can’t let go of. It’s something that she doesn’t have a name for. It’s something that maybe doesn’t have a name. But it’s there and its tangible and Maya can feel it and it makes her nervous and hesitant.


Remember that thing about focusing on her job. Yeah, that’s already out the window as Maya leaves the station in the morning.

She’s got her phone to her ear and is listening as it rings.

“Hello.”

“Hi, this is Maya Bishop.”

Carina laughs. “I know who you are. I have your contact saved in my phone.”

“Oh.” Maya stops on the sidewalk. “Right.” She looks left and then right before deciding to cross the road. She’s not at an intersection and she knows she shouldn’t do this but Maya crosses anyway. The fire captain jaywalking isn’t exactly model behavior

“I just wanted to say thank you for the lasagna and last- yesterday. Did you want to- I don’t know if you’ve had breakfast yet. I just got off shift.”

“I would love to have breakfast with you.” Carina completes for her.

Maya sighs. She feels like Carina already knows her so well. It’s a scary thought. “I’ll send you the address.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be there. Waiting for you.” Maya groans internally as she hears herself say the words. She has no idea where smooth, confident Maya went but she never seems to be around when Maya is talking to Carina.

“See you in a bit.” Carina says cheerily.


She waves Carina over to the table that she is sitting at.

“Did you order yet?”

“No, I said I would wait for you. Just a coffee.” She lifts her mug with both hands.

“Do you come here often?”

“No.” Maya shakes her head. She likes the waffles and pancakes that they have at this restaurant though. She doesn’t come here often but has been here enough times to know about the waffles and pancakes.

The waiter comes over and takes their orders.

“I’ll have two eggs over easy. Three Belgian waffles. Hash browns and two strips of bacon.”

“Someone’s hungry.” Carina comments.

Maya rolls her eyes.

“Just two pieces of French toast, please. Oh, and coffee.” Carina smiles at the waiter.

“I’ll get that into the kitchen and they’ll get started on it.”

“Thank you.” Maya and Carina say at the same time.

“So, how was the rest of your shift?”

“Ah, that’s why I’m so hungry.” Maya narrows her eyes at Carina for calling her out in front of the waiter.

Carina grins. “I was just teasing.”

“The last thing I had to eat was your lasagna.”

Carina hums.

“And I just finished a 24 hour shift.”

Carina hums again.

“And we had three calls between the time you were there last night and now. So, we were busy. Nothing terrible happened. No one got blown up or died or was taken to the hospital. Well, patients but no one from my team.”

“Proof that everything isn’t as terrible as it might seem. Look on the bright side. Now you get to have breakfast with me.” Carina is busy rearranging the sugar packets in their little bowl. “And it sounds like you were busy but that everything went well. Maya, you can do this. You’re the captain. And yes, that’s a lot of responsibility but I know you can handle it.”

“How do you know that?” Maya crosses her arms over her chest.

Carina shrugs. “I just do.” She looks up and smiles over at Maya.

Maya can’t help but chuckle a little. “I got your note.”

“I know you sent me a text in the middle of the night.” Carina smirks.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s always good to hear from you.” Carina finishes with the sugar packets. “What do you have planned for the day?”

“Sleep.”

Carina nods.

“What about you?” Maya asks.

Carina raises an eyebrow. “Work.”

“Right. Sometimes I forget what day of the week it is or that not everyone works on a firefighter’s schedule. Sorry.”

Carina leans forward and reaches across the table. She puts a hand on top of Maya’s arm. She slips her hand down to Maya’s hand and pry’s it away from her body so she can give it a squeeze. “Don’t apologize.”

Maya nods and looks down at her lap. She lets her hands fall to the sides, on the booth cushion. “I don’t know what else to talk about other than my job. Or running. But I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that.”

“You can talk about whatever you want. Anything. And I’ll listen.” She lets Maya know that no topic is off limits. Maya nods but continues to look down at her lap. “I’ll start. Do you have a favorite place in Seattle?”

Maya looks up at that. “Yeah. There’s this park that looks over the water. I go running there sometimes. It’s so peaceful early in the morning. There’s birds squawking, but other than that it quiet and the trees are beautiful.”

“Sounds lovely.”

“We could go sometime.” Maya offers.

Carina raises a surprised eyebrow at that.

“Not running.” Maya second guesses herself. “Unless you wanted to go running.”

“I do not.” Carina tries to hold back a smile. She has no interest in running or running with Maya.

“Okay. But I meant to the park. Early in the morning. Or we could go some other time, but I think I’ve only been there early in the morning.”

Carina giggles at that. “Where else?

“I don’t know. I used to love the fire station but now it feels tainted or something. I always enjoyed going to work. I enjoyed being there with everyone. We were a family. A station is a family. They are my second family but now everyone is at odds.” Maya sighs. This is only making her feel worse.

“I get off at six today. Let’s go to that park. Watch the sunset.” Carina wants to put Maya in a better mood.

“I don’t know. I’m not very good company right now. I just want to sleep and stay at home today, I think.” Maya mumbles.

The food arrives, interrupting their conversation. The waiter leaves and Maya starts eating. Carina is a little slower and takes her time pouring syrup on her French toast before cutting it up. She clears her throat and takes the first bite. As she does so she looks over at Maya. But that’s not the only things she does.

With her right foot, she reaches out under the table and finds the inside of Maya’s left ankle before running her foot up the inside of her leg.

Maya jumps and looks across at Carina with wide eyes. Carina has a shit eating grin on her face. “What are you doing?” Maya asks incredulously.

“Trying to get a rise out of you.” Carina chuckles. “And it worked.”

“You’re a little shit.” Maya accuses.

Carina just shrugs. “Agree to come to the park tonight and I’ll behave myself for the remainder of our meal.”

“Fine. I’ll meet you there at 6:30. By the front entrance.” Maya isn’t exactly thrilled about going to the park tonight but if it’ll get Carina off her back, then she’ll do it. “What kind of things do you have going on at work today?”

“It’s strangely quiet. Like I don’t have a lot of expecting mother’s right now. Ones that are close to giving birth, at least. I have a scheduled C-section first thing this morning but after that just a few appointments and anything that might pop up.”

“Is that good or bad? It being quiet.”

“Bad.” Carina pops a piece of French toast into her mouth. “This is really good.”

“I’ve never had the French toast here, but they have the best pancakes and waffles though.” Maya tells her.

“And French toast. Here.” Carina stabs a piece of French toast with her fork and holds it across the table to Maya.

Maya raises an eyebrow but leans forward to pull the piece from the fork into her mouth. She chews and swallows.

“Well?”

“You’re right.”

“Though, it’s not as good as the French toast that I make.”

Maya hums thinking she wants to try Carina’s French toast now. She doesn’t mention it though. She knows it will be good, though, if it is anything like the lasagna. Maya thinks anything that Carina makes probably tastes good. Better than good. It’s all probably great or amazing. Maya thinks Carina probably even has a special recipe or twist on regular toast or mundane things like that to spice them up.

They eat in silence for a little bit. It’s a comfortable silence though. Maya doesn’t feel like she has to fill it. They just eat and share glances every now and then.

“I’ll walk you out.” Maya says when they are finished. “Thanks for meeting me this morning. I just wanted to say thank you again for the lasagna last night and stopping by the station and the note.”

“E stato un piacere.” Carina grins.

Maya raises an eyebrow but doesn’t ask for a translation.

They get outside and Carina turns to her. “I’ll see you tonight.”

Maya nods. “I’ll set an alarm to make sure I’m awake.”

“Okay, don’t forget. Cuz I don’t want to get there and be waiting and have people looking at me like a got stood up.” Carina teases.

“I would never stand up a date.” The words slip out of Maya’s mouth before she’s realized she’s said them. Her cheeks heat up.

Carina grins at her.

“Is that what this is?” Maya wonders aloud.

“It doesn’t have to be. It can just be two people hanging out. You said you didn’t want a girlfriend so it can just be us hanging out as friends. I can do that.” Carina says the words, but she isn’t sure if she can just stick to being Maya’s friend. She knows she can’t, actually.

Maya nods. “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

Carina puts a hand on Maya’s elbow and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Ciao.”

“Ciao.” Maya mumbles. She watches as Carina walks away from her. She realizes something know that she is looking at her walking away. “You look great, by the way.” Maya yells after her.

Carina turns around. Maya gestures to her own outfit. “You look great, today.” Carina has looked great every day that Maya has seen her really, but she realizes that she didn’t tell her today when she sat down to eat.

“Thank you, Maya.” Carina winks and turns back around to walk to work.

Maya takes a deep breath. She needs sleep, so she heads for home. She thinks about Carina the entire way home. It’s hard not to. She thinks about the park tonight and what it means. But Carina said it didn’t have to mean anything. Maya knows she’s grumpy and lousy company right now. That’s why she didn’t want to go. She didn’t want to bring Carina’s day down with her mood. She’s just got a lot going on and she doesn’t want Carina to have to deal with it.


Carina gets to the park at 6:25. She had expected to see Maya there already but there is no sign of the fire captain. She hopes something didn’t happen at work. Or with work, because she knows Maya wasn’t working today. But that doesn’t mean something couldn’t have happened at the station or with a call or something.

Maya did say the firefighters were a family.

She sits by the entrance. There is a stone wall there that she perches against and watches the people the mill about. Lots of them leaving now that it’s the end of the day.

A car comes flying into the parking lot and Carina smiles knowing that it’s Maya.

All frantic and running through the parking lot Maya stops at her feet. “Sorry, I’m late.” She huffs a little out of breath. Carina raises an eyebrow waiting for a reason as to why Maya was late, but Maya never gives one. “Shall we go in?”

Carina nods.

They walk side by side into the park. Maya leads the way down the path. Soon the woods break into a bluff that overlooks the water. “Wow.”

“It really is a great view.” Maya comments. “I’ve never seen it at this time of the day though.” She goes to have a seat at the edge of the cliff.

“What are you doing?” Carina says in a panic.

“Sitting.” Maya looks up at her. She pats the spot next to her.

“Is it safe?”

“I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.” Maya smiles.

Carina rolls her eyes. “I know you will but I just meant-“

“You’ll be fine. Come on.” She holds her hand out for Carina to take. Carina puts her hand in Maya’s and sits down gently. Maya lets go of her hand as soon as Carina is seated next to her.

The sun is dipping low in the sky. Just a little bit above the edge of the water. There are a few low clouds in the distance but nothing to obscure the view.

“It is beautiful here. You were right.”

Maya just nods. Her eyes are focused on the horizon, the sunset. She’s trying to not look at Carina. Because she knows if she does, she’ll be distracted and miss the sunset. Because if the sunset is beautiful then the sunset reflected on Carina is going to be one hundred times more beautiful.

There aren’t very many people around. A few couples sitting like they are. Not that they are a couple. Maya reminds herself that they are just two people who are enjoying the sunset together. Enjoying a romantic sunset together. Maya groans.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She lies.

Carina hums. She reaches over and slips her hand inside Maya’s arm, wrapping her palm around her bicep. “Thanks for telling me about this place.”

“No problem.” Maya sighs. Even though she is wearing a long sleeve shirt she can feel goosebumps on her arm where Carina is holding on to her. Because that’s what Carina is doing. Carina’s other hand wraps on top of the first so that her hands are wrapped around Maya’s bicep.

Carina leans into Maya as the sun starts to dip below the horizon. There is an orange glow to it, basking the entire area in a dim orange light. “Maya?”

Maya hums.

“Can you look at me?”

Maya sighs and turns her head to look at Carina. She tries to smile but she knows it looks strained. “What’s up?”

“Is this about what I said this morning?” Carina can definitely feel a strange energy coming from Maya this evening.

“What did you say this morning?” Maya tries to play dumb.

“About this being a date.” Carina mumbles.

“Well, actually I was the one who said that.” Maya sighs.

“But I implied it.” Carina admits.

Maya looks away from her, back out at the sunset. “Look.” She whispers.

Carina turns and looks. She gasps. “It’s beautiful.” Maya nods at her side and she can feel it. They stay like that for a long time staring out at the water as the sun disappears. Even after it is gone, they stay sitting like that. Everyone else leaves as it starts to get dark.

“It freaked me out a little.” Maya whispers after a long time.

“Okay.” Carina sighs.

“But not because of you.” Maya turns to look at her. “You are amazing. It’s just not something I do. Or have done. Date. Or go on dates.”

“Okay.”

“I almost didn’t come here because of it.” Her apprehension is palpable.

“Oh.” Carina sounds disappointed.

“But not because of you.” Maya tries to get that point across again. “I like you.”

“I like you too, Maya.”

“You’re easy to talk to. A good friend. Good in bed.” Maya shrugs. She doesn’t know where she is going with this.

“Thanks, I think.”

Maya chuckles. “I guess what I’m saying is I feel like dating puts a certain pressure on this.” She motions between the two of them. “And I don’t want that pressure. I’ve got enough going on. So, can we not call it that? Can we not call it anything? I just want to be able to hang out and talk and maybe have some sex sometimes.”

“Okay.” Carina says simply. “But only if you stop talking and kiss me.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Just tell me to shut up. I know I talk too much.”

“You’re talking to an Italian. The kings and queens of never shutting up.” Carina jokes.

Maya sighs. She reaches up and cradles Carina’s face gently in her hands. She places a soft kiss on her lips. “Better?”

“No.” Carina reaches up and grabs Maya’s collar deepening the kiss. They kiss for a little while. Carina tries to shuffle forward.

“Woah.” Maya’s hands go to her waist. “Remember we are on the side of a bluff. And I’m not working today. And I don’t want to have to be working today. I especially don’t want to have to organize a rescue mission for you.” Maya helps Carina to her feet. “Let’s walk back.” She gets them away from the edge.

Carina nods. All she can think about is how caring Maya is. Maya will probably say it’s just the firefighter in her, but Carina knows it’s more than that. She knows Maya didn’t want her to fall. She wraps her arm around Maya’s lower back. She squeezes the blondes opposite hip. “Thank you.”

“For?”

“Coming here today. For showing me the sunset. For saving me from certain death.” Carina jokes about that last one.

“No problem.” Maya puffs her chest out.

Carina swats at her arm. “Don’t get cocky now.”

“Who said anything about being cocky? I’m just taking credit for saving you from certain death.”

They reach Maya’s car. “Well?”

“Well?” Carina replies.

“Would you like to sit in my car?”

“Is that some kind of euphemism that I don’t understand?” Maya shakes her head. “Okay.” Maya gets the door for Carina and allows her to sit before shutting the door and going around to the other side to get in.

“How was your day?” Carina asks. “Did you sleep?”

“I did. I didn’t do much else. Cleaned the apartment a little. It’s so weird to live by myself now.” Maya is still adjusting to it. “How was your day?”

“Boring.” Carina chuckles. “I think this was the best part of my day.”

Maya smiles. “This was the best part of my day too.” She leans over at kisses Carina.

One short little soft kiss turns into more. Then there are hands in hair and roaming over chests and shoulders and then Maya is climbing over the center console. She reaches down between the seat and the door and reclines Carina’s seat. There is a little squeal from Carina and the seat flops back all the way.

“We can’t do this here.” Carina mumbles as Maya’s lips work their way down her neck. She cranes her neck to give Maya better across.

“Are you going to stop me?” Maya asks before sucking at the dip in the center of Carina’s collarbone that is visible where her shirt comes down to make a V.

“It’s dark.” Carina says.

“And there’s no one around.” Maya adds.

“You are taking the blame if we get caught.”

That stops Maya just as she was about to pop the button open on Carina’s dress pants. “I’m the fire captain. I can’t.”

“You’re the fire captain. I’m sure you can talk yourself out of something if you had to.”

Maya laughs. Carina might have a point there. Maya crashes their lips back together as she undoes the dress pants. Her hand slips in and she is met with wet heat. “Oh god.”

There isn’t a lot of room, so Maya awkwardly straddles Carina, arching her back to get a good angle. She slips two fingers into Carina and is rewards with the breathiest most glorious moan right in her ear. Carina holds onto Maya’s shoulders because of their cramped position as Maya rests her forehead against the back of the seat just over Carina’s right shoulder.

“Maya.” Carina begs.

Maya flicks her thumb over her clit, eliciting another moan from the woman beneath her. “Almost.” Carina pants, trying to arch up into Maya, trying to get that sweet release from the fingers that are buried deep inside her. Maya doubles her pace even though her arms is screaming because of the position. “Ma-“ The rest of Maya’s name gets cuts off with a long groan as Carina reaches her peak. Her fingernails dig into Maya’s shoulders, and she knows she’s going to have two sets of four little half-moons imprinted into her shoulders tomorrow. Maya is more than fine with that.

“Dio mio.” Carina sighs as all of her muscles relax.

Maya picks her forehead off of the seat and finds Carina looks back at her blissfully. She presses a quick kiss to her cheek before taking her lips with her own. “My apologies for being late tonight.”

“If that’s going to happen every time you are late than I don’t think I mind.”

Maya laughs. “Well, then.” She pulls her hand from Carina’s dress slacks. She looks around for something to wipe her fingers off on but there’s nothing in her car. It’s completely free of any items at all.

Carina notices what Maya is doing and before Maya can look back to her she reaches for Maya’s hand, bringing it to her face and sucking Maya’s fingers into her mouth.

Maya moans and closes her eyes.

Just then a car pulls into the parking lot. The lights spook Maya who jumps back into her seat. Carina bites her lip and rolls her head to the side, looking lazily over at Maya.

“We should get going.” Maya mumbles. Her heart is pounding in her chest.

“Not yet.” Carina says. She reaches over and takes Maya’s hand. She brings it to her lap where she wraps the other hand over it too. She raises Maya’s hand to her lips with both of her hands and presses a kiss to the back of it. “I don’t think I can walk back to my car yet.”

Maya bites her lips as her eyes rake over Carina’s body as she stays reclined in the seat. “I’ll drive you over.” Maya assumes that the only other car in the parking lot is Carina. That car that came in and flashed their lights on Maya’s car had left right away.

“Or you could just bring me home and we can continue this.”

Maya debates that. “Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

Carina sighs. “And you had to just be a joy kill.”

“Killjoy.” Maya grins.

“Sure, that.” Carina licks her lips. “I do, though.” She sighs. “Maya Bishop, you are going to get me in trouble one of these days. I just know it.”

“What can I say? The ladies love me.” She smirks.

“Oh, shut up.” She drops Maya’s hand. “And you better not be seeing any other ladies.”

Maya nods. “I haven’t seen anyone else since that night we met in the bar.”

“Me either.”

They both nod together. On the same page. “So?” Maya mumbles.

“Yeah, I can walk now.” Carina buttons her pants and sits up. She pulls the seat back up too. Maya starts the car and, as promised, drives Carina over near her car.

Carina leans over and plants a strong kiss on Maya. She rests her forehead against Maya’s. “You can text me or call me or whatever.”

“I probably will.” Maya admits. “Even if it’s just to bitch about work.”

“Okay.” Carina licks her lips before kissing Maya again. “I’ll see you.”

“Bye.”

They pull apart and Carina opens the car door. “Ciao.”

“I’ll wait until you pull out and leave behind you.”

Carina smiles and nods. Here Maya is again looking out for her. “Thanks, bella.” She blows her a kiss before shutting the car door.

Maya waits like she said she would as Carina gets into her car, starts it up, and back out of her space before driving off.

Chapter 4

Notes:

okay so i really like how this part turned out. again longer than i initially intended but oh well. there's emotions and realizations and Italian lessons that involve body paint.

NSFW!

Chapter Text

A week has passed since Maya last saw Carina. There have been a number of texts and video calls and even a few phone calls, but they can’t get their schedules to align to see each other in person. But Maya has another bad day at work and the first person she thinks of seeing or talking to is Carina. She calls her as soon as her shift is over that morning.

She calls and asks if she can see her at lunch. Indicates a lunch sex meet up. The thing is that Maya is still struggling with the whole captain thing. She needs Carina. She needs the sex, she thinks. That’s what it’s about, the physical. To release some of the tension. The pressure.

But Maya could get that with anyone. A random hook up. Someone she doesn’t know. But Maya knows somewhere deep down she doesn’t want that. She actually wants something that’s familiar. Something that she knows. A comfort. So, she keeps going back to Carina. She can’t quit her for some reason. Maya knows the reason, but she shoves it down every time it surfaces. Call it denial. Call it trying to remain sane. Call it what you want, but Maya needs Carina. She needs her touch. She needs her soft foreign tongue in her ear. She needs her and she hates to admit it. Because Maya doesn’t need anybody. She never has.

Until now.

And she knows she’s headed down a particularly dangerous path. One with uncertainty and possible twists and turns. One that could disrupt the control she has over her life. And Maya just shrugs at it all. There’s some tiny part of her that is thrilled by the unknown. It’s so unlike Maya to do something that isn’t calculated, planned, that she isn’t in control of.

The problem with the sex is that it brings up all the emotions in Maya. She doesn’t want it to, but this is where she’s at. She sits there. She can feel the tears coming. If it’s just quiet maybe they will pass, and Carina will be none the wiser. Maya doesn’t need this right now. She doesn’t need to fall apart in front of this person.

But then Carina is saying something. Something about going back to work. And Maya can’t hold it in any longer.

‘I’m the truck.’

Maya mumbles her words through tears.

She feels the arms wrap around her and the delicate kiss pressed to her cheek.

Carina holds her as she cries. She would be embarrassed but instead Maya just feels comfort in Carina’s arms. Comfort in the soft Italian that is being spoken into her ear. She doesn’t understand any of what Carina says in her native tongue, but Maya is soothed by it none the less.

After she has calmed down and they are laying on the mattress Maya finds Carina’s hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Thanks.”

Carina just hums. She realizes that Maya called her to come over today for more than just sex. And also that maya is too proud to admit that. Carina is glad that she was here and that she could help Maya through a difficult moment. She wonders briefly if that is what they’ve always been about. Maya in a difficult moment or hard time and Carina being there to calm her down and support her and help her through. She realizes that’s probably not the healthiest sort of relationship. It’s not the sort of relationship she wants with Maya. Especially after her father, and mother, and now what Andrew is going through. She doesn’t need another person ‘to take care of’. But there’s something about Maya that makes her want. And that’s the scary part. She finds herself wanting to be there for Maya despite everything else. Carina vows to end things with Maya if this is the only way their relationship is going to be moving forward but for now, in it’s early stages, Carina is fine with being Maya’s support system.

“You can go back to work now.”

“Are you asking me to leave?” Carina sits up a little.

Maya opens and closes her mouth. No words come out. She doesn’t want Carina to leave. She actually wants her to stay but she knows she’s already been a burden on Carina today and that the Italian has a life and a job and work to get back to. If it were up to Maya, they would lay in bed like this all afternoon. She feels exhausted. Maybe gets some sleep, maybe have some more sex. “I’m sure you have to get back to work.”

“I took the afternoon off.”

“When? You said you had to get back to work.” Maya is confused.

Carina smiles softly. “When I went to get you a glass of water after you had calmed down some.” She had gone to the kitchen for the water but made a detour to her bag where her phone is and called into work to take the remainder of the day off. It wasn’t a big deal in Carina’s opinion. She didn’t have a lot going on in the afternoon. Just two appointments with expecting mothers. She just had them rescheduled.

But it’s a big deal in Maya’s mind, though. “You did that for me?” She can’t believe it.

“I did.” Carina hums. “I told you I want to do nice things for you. And it seemed like you needed someone around today. So that’s my nice thing for you for today.” It sounds so simple the way Carina says it.

Maya wants to say that Carina does too many nice things for her, but she doesn’t voice that out loud. “So, what should we do this afternoon?” She asks instead.

“Whatever you want to do.” Carina runs her fingernails up and down Maya’s arm gently.

“I want to sleep. But it seems rude to sleep when you’re here and when you took the afternoon off-“ For me. She leaves that part out.

“Maybe we could have a little nap.” Carina yawns. “You tuckered me out earlier.”

Maya grins at that. “Yeah.” She’s excited about the possibility of sleeping. Or maybe it’s the possibility of sleeping with Carina, sleeping next to Carina. Or maybe it’s the thought of waking up and Carina possibly still being there in her bed when she does. She hopes she is but Maya is too afraid to ask Carina to stay and lay in bed with her so all she can do is hope.

“Get some rest.” Carina says and presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. Maya blushes. She ducks her head and curls up on her side. Carina mirrors her position except that she wraps her arm around Maya. There’s a moments hesitation before she pulls Maya close, to her chest. Maya shudders unfamiliar with such care and affection from another human being directed at her.

They both sleep. Maya longer than Carina.

Carina wakes up and looks at the fire captain. She looks so calm and peaceful in her sleep. Like she doesn’t have a single worry. Carina knows that’s not true though. Maya worries about a lot of things, she’s found out.

She thinks about getting up and going to make something to eat but this isn’t her house, and she doesn’t know where anything is and she doesn’t want to be accused of snooping around.

Instead, she watches Maya for a while. When Maya shifts in her sleep and wraps an arm over Carina’s waist she can’t help but smile. She leans in and presses her lips softly to Maya’s forehead.

Maya wakes up after a little while, groggy, her eyes sting. She knows it’s from the crying. She has a slight headache. Also, from the crying. But then she opens them and sees Carina. She’s a little surprised at first and she pulls her head back slightly.

“Hey, bella. Did you sleep well?”

All Maya can do is nod. She realizes she has her hand on Carina’s hip. The intimacy isn’t lost on her. She tries to pull it away; but Carina grabs her hand, almost reading her mind, and keeping it in place on her hip.

“I have a headache.”

“Oh.” Carina pouts. “Let me get you something.” She moves to get up.

“No. Wait.” Maya doesn’t want this moment to be over. Even if she just tried to pull her hand away from Carina and distance herself from her. “Stay here.”

Carina nods. “Okay.” She pinches Maya’s chin between her thumb and index finger and leans in for a kiss.

Maya moans softly into the kiss. “I think I like waking up to you in my bed.” She speaks against Carina’s lips.

“You do.” It’s not a question. Carina rubs her nose against Maya’s.

“I do. Yeah.” Maya deepens the kiss, rolling over on top of Carina.

They have little make out before Maya gets up to get some ibuprofen.

“We could do a puzzle.” Maya comes back in and ties her hair back into a ponytail.

“Puzzles are boring.”

“Puzzles are calming. It’s all about the structure and organization of doing it. You separate the pieces first. The edge pieces from everything else. Then you do the edge and then you separate the interior pieces by color or whatever the objects are in the picture and do those accordingly.”

“Wow.” Carina stares at her with wide eyes.

“What?” Maya frowns, feeling like she is being judged.

“That’s a very tactical approach to a puzzle.”

“That’s how I always do them. It’s the easiest way.” Maya doesn’t see any other way.

“And sounds the least fun. I’d rather watch paint dry.” Carina huffs.

Maya furrows her brow. So, they won’t be doing a puzzle anytime soon, or maybe ever. “I have an idea.” Maya licks her lips. Carina brought up paint. “Have your ever used body paint?”

Carina lifts an intrigued eyebrow at that.

“We could literally watch paint dry. If you wanted.” Maya shrugs. “I mean there would also be applying it, so that it could dry. And it would be messy, and I don’t know if I like that idea but- I just thought since you mentioned paint. I just-“ She looks to Carina to see her reaction. Carina is looking at her with a lopsided smile. “What?”

Carina shakes her head. “You are something else, Maya Bishop.”

“I am?” Maya doesn’t know what’s happening. “I was just suggesting an activity. We could just regular paint if you don’t like the idea. It was just an idea. Forget I mentioned it.”

“Your nervous ramblings are so cute.” Carina leans in for a quick kiss. “I very much like the idea of sexy paint time, bella.”

“Oh. Okay. Good.”

“Do you have any?” Carina asks. Maya shakes her head. Carina wonders where the idea came from then.

“I can run out and get some. Or you could come with me. We could go together.” Maya is just saying words at this point. She’s not sure if she’s comfortable with the activity that she suggested. She doesn’t even know why she suggested it.

“Where does one get body paint?”

Maya shrugs. “I’ll google it. Where’s my phone?” She starts looking around the room for her phone.

“I think I saw it in the kitchen when I was out there.” Carina offers. “Si, si. On the counter.”

“Thank you.” Maya presses a kiss to Carina’s shoulder before slipping out of the room. It is right where Carina said it was. Maya stops in the kitchen and looks around the area. She looks around the rest of the apartment that she can see. Nothing has changed or looks different since the last time she was out here, but something definitely feels different. A chill runs down Maya’s shine. She shivers and shakes it off before returning to her bedroom.

“So, looks like craft stores mostly.”

“Wonderful.”

“Did you want to stay here or come with?” Maya almost can’t believe the words as they spill from her lips. She would never willingly leave a person alone in her apartment when she wasn’t there and yet she offers to do just that. Also, she clearly slept, and Carina was ‘alone’ while she was asleep, and Maya was completely fine with that too. She almost doesn’t recognize herself.

She thinks maybe it’s the comfortability that she has with Carina that allows these things to be possible. Maya doesn’t have much time to ponder that though because Carina is tugging on her hand.

The Italian knees on the mattress and gets close to Maya’s ear. “I’ll stay here, bella. You go and come back quickly.” Carina’s tongue pokes out and licks the shell of Maya’s ear.

“You’re not fair.”

Carina laughs. “You’ve said that before.”

“I know. It’s still true.”

“Are you wearing that to the store?” Carina wiggles her eyebrows.

Maya looks down at her tank top and panties. “I’ll have to put something on.” She mumbles and goes over to the dresser.

“Nothing to fancy cuz it’s going to come right off as soon as you get back.” Carina reminds from behind Maya.

Maya just nods, thoughts of body paint on bare skin fill her head.

But as she leaves her apartment, locking the door behind her, Maya wonders if she’s making the right decision. She’s leaving Carina alone in her apartment. She doesn’t know Carina all that well yet. They have been having a good time together, but they haven’t talked about anything too in depth that’s happening in their lives. But the decision has been made and Maya will just have to deal with the consequences. Carina could be a stalker, or a serial killer and Maya would have no idea. She’s could have just fallen for her charms and when she gets back Carina will abduct or kill her.

Maya shrugs as she walks out onto the street.

She tries to make her trip brief, but she is stopped by someone on the street asking for directions and that turned into Maya just leading them to where they were trying to go because the person couldn’t understand directions. She’s been gone longer than she would have liked.

“I’m back.” Maya calls as soon as she opens the door.

She doesn’t get a response.

“I’m sorry it too so long.” It’s quiet and Maya is starting to think that Carina left. She wouldn’t blame her, but she would be disappointed. “Carina?”

Maya removes her shoes and starts moving through the apartment. There’s still no response. Maya pushes the bedroom door open. She spots Carina sitting on the bed, her head down, looking at her phone.

“I’m back.” Maya holds the paper bag up higher in the air. “I got what we need.” All she gets from Carina in response is a nod of the head. “Are you not- Did you not want to-“

“Oh, no, bella.” Carina throws her phone aside. “I was just taking care of some emails.”

Maya nods slowly, not convinced she was looking at emails. “Bella.” She mumbles.

Carina raises an eyebrow and hums.

“You keep saying that. Bella this and bella that. Bella. Bella. Bella.”

Carina grins brightly. “Si.”

Maya stands there at the end of the bed. “I’m a dumb American and don’t know what that means.”

Carina nods and wiggles her finger for Maya to come closer to her.

Maya does. She sits down on the edge of the bed next to Carina’s hip.

Carina reaches up and tucks a few stray hairs that got out of Maya’s ponytail behind her ear. “It’s an Italian word.” She watches as Maya rolls her eyes playfully. “It means-“ Carina licks her lips before leaning in so that her face is right in front of Maya. “Beautiful.” She whispers and watches the recognition in Maya’s eyes. They widen only slightly before settling back. She can see the apprehension on Maya’s face. “Does it make you uncomfortable?”

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t think so. It’s just- different.” Maya has been called beautiful or hot or attractive before, but this feels different. Somehow this feels like it has more depth. Maya thinks maybe that’s because it’s a foreign language. In the past, if she was called those things, it was because the person using the words wanted something from her. Carina hasn’t used bella like that though. She doesn’t want anything from her just for using it. She’s just using it at the end of a sentence or in simple conversation.

“Different? Good or bad?”

Maya smiles finally. “Good.” It makes her feel good.

“Bene.”

“What’s that?” Maya is liking this impromptu Italian lesson.

“The word for good.”

“Oh.” Maya chuckles. “Bene, then. What other Italian words can you teach me?”

Carina raises an eyebrow. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” Maya shrugs.

Carina runs her palm up and down Maya’s arm. “Well, how about we put that body paint that you just picked up to good use then?”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I’ll teach you a word for a body part and then if you can say it correctly, I get to paint that body part on you.”

Maya crinkles her brow. “That doesn’t seem fair. What do I get?”

Carina leans closer so that her lips are a hairs breath away from Maya’s. “The thrill and excitement of watching me do it. And the pleasure of having my hands on your body.” She whispers.

Maya closes her eyes and moans softly. “That does sound pretty good but-“ She licks her lips, in the process brushing her tongue against Carina’s lips. “I want to see you, touch you.”

“You can do that any time you like, bella. I’m not stopping you.” Carina presses her lips to the corner of Maya’s mouth. “Now.” She pulls her shirt over her head. “What did you get?”

Maya groans. Carina is practically crawling on top of her to get to the bag with the paint. She slides her hands around Carina’s waist and holds her into place, keeping her there for a moment. She looks up and waits for Carina to lock eyes with her. “Blue and yellow and red.”

Carina nods. She forgets about the bag for a moment, instead she wraps her hands around Maya’s ears and pulls her in for a searing kiss. One full of need and hunger and intensity.

They get carried away for a little bit. Maya’s shirts and jeans come off. But that is necessary for what they are going to do with the paint anyway.

“Do you care about this bedding or-?” Carina whispers against Maya’s lips.

“Yes. Here.” She stands and takes Carina’s hand and helps her off of the bed. Then Maya pulls the bedding from the bed. She throws it on the floor in the corner of the room. If this were a different situation, she would have never done that. But in the interest of time, that’s where the bedding ends up for now. “I’ll be right back.” Maya scurries into the hall to get a few old sheets that she has in the closet that she doesn’t care if they get paint on them.

Carina takes the opportunity to open up the bottles of paint, break the seal, and set them on the table next to the bed.

Maya comes back in a flash; she hurriedly throws two sheets over the mattress. “There.” She puts her hands on her hips, satisfied. “Where were we?” She grins and turns to Carina. Maya goes in for a kiss, but Carina stops her.

“No, no, no.” She reaches behind Maya and unclasps her bra. “First, we take this off.” She slides the straps down Maya’s arms slowly. And then Carina kneels at Maya’s feet. Maya watches, mesmerized as Carina hooks her fingers into her panties and slides them down her legs. She steps out of them when Carina gets them to the floor. A flood of insecurity courses through. Maya wants to turn away. Instead, she rolls her shoulders inwards and shrinks in on herself.

Carina runs one hand up Maya’s left calf before getting to her feet again. “Ready?” She whispers.

Maya nods, silently.

Carina opens the cap on the blue paint and puts a little bit on her finger. With her left hand she reaches out and runs the tip of her finger over Maya’s nose. “Naso.” She says.

“Naso.” Maya repeats.

Carina smiles. “Bene.” She taps the tip of Maya’s nose with blue paint.

Maya chuckles and wiggles her nose. Carina giggles with her. “I hope you like looking like a Smurf.”

“Noooooo.” Maya whines.

“I’m joking.” Carina bites her lip. She is only sort of joking. “This.” She points to her own forehead. “Fronte.”

“Fronte.”

Carina lets her lip pop and smears the rest of the blue paint on her finger across Maya’s forehead.

“Did you watch the Smurfs when you were a kid?”

“Si, we got things later in Italy than when they were released here but, si.” Carina focuses on rubbing the paint across Maya’s forehead. She makes three streaks going the long way. “Did you?”

Maya hums. “I know about them. I had seen them at friend’s houses when I was young, but I wasn’t allowed to watch them at my house. I was only allowed to watch one hour of cartoons per week.”

“That’s harsh.” Carina comments, not thinking much about it.

“Those were his rules.”

“Who?”

“My dad. He was very strict. He comes from a military family. Rules are important. You have to follow the rules at all times. Even as a kid.” Maya explains.

“That doesn’t sound like much fun.” Carina pouts. She looks over Maya’s face. “This is fun though.” She leans in and rubs her nose against Maya’s, spreading the blue paint to her own nose. They giggle at the feeling and then into the kiss.

“Next is cheeks.” Carina gets more blue paint on her fingers.

“Can’t you use a different color.” Maya practically whines. “You said I wasn’t going to look like a Smurf and blue is the only color you’ve used so far.”

“It’s because the blue makes the blue of your eyes that much more brilliant. Your eyes are absolutely amazing, Maya. Not only are they blue but they hold so much emotion and it’s like I can almost see what you are thinking just by looking in your eyes.”

“Really?” Maya whispers, small.

Carina nods. “Gauncia.” She swipes a streak of blue over Maya’s left cheek. “Gauncia.” And then a streak over the right.

“Gauncia.” Maya whispers. She doesn’t think she’s ever felt more vulnerable than in this moment. It’s terrifying but Carina is looking at her with soft, tender eyes and a pleased smile so Maya doesn’t put a stop to this even though she wants to run away and hide.

“Now I’m not going to put any on but-“ She kisses Maya. “This is your bocca. Mouth. And this is-“ She kisses Maya again, licking against her lips, getting Maya to part them. She slips her tongue into Maya’s mouth. Flicking and licking at her tongue. Maya wraps her hands around Carina’s back, pulling their bodies together. She tilts her head to the side, deepening the kiss. Carina pulls back after a minute, a little breathless. “-my lingua in your bocca.”

They break out into uncontrollable laughter.

Once they settle, Maya glances between them. “Take this off.” She dips a finger under the material that is between the two cups of the bra. She pulls it away from Carina’s chest slightly before letting it snap back. “Even the playing field.”

Carina smirks but shakes her head, no.

“Please?” Maya doesn’t beg but she’s going to ask, which is real close to begging.

Carina raises an eyebrow. She wonders how much she can get Maya to do. See how far she will go. “No.” She watches the frown that forms on Maya’s face as she puts some red paint on her right hand. She points to her own chest. “Cuore.”

Maya repeats the word. “Cuore.” She doesn’t know what it means though. She wonders if it’s chest or breast.

Carina rubs her hands together getting red paint on the entirety of both of her hands, then she presses her right hand to Maya’s chest, right over where her heart is. “Heart.” She pulls her hand back leaving a red handprint over Maya’s heart.

Maya looks down at the handprint. “Oh.” She mumbles. She didn’t think that was the word. She tries it out again. “Cuore.”

“Si.” Carina puts her hands on Maya’s waist and pulls her into a kiss. “I want you to lay down now.”

Maya nods and gets onto the bed. She lays down with her head on the pillow. Carina kneels on the bed before swinging a leg over and straddling Maya’s hips. She reaches back and unhooks her bra, taking it off and throwing it across the room.

“Finally.” Maya reaches up and hooks a hand around the back of Carina’s neck and brings her down for a kiss.

Carina’s hand slides up Maya’s arm and she wraps her palm around Maya’s throat. “La gola.” She says into the kiss.

Maya groans into the kiss.

“The throat.” Carina pulls back and looks down at Maya, waiting for her to say it.

“La gola.” Maya finally finds the words, forgetting for a moment from the distraction of the kiss. “You’re a very sexy teacher.” She sighs and licks her lips. “I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.” Carina laughs heartily and Maya absolutely loves the sound of it. She takes pleasure in being able to make the Italian laugh, among other things.

Carina lets go of Maya’s throat. There is a subtle handprint left there. She rubs her fingers over Maya’s windpipe.

Maya swallows thickly. “I’m either going to learn a lot or nothing at all.”

Carina bites her bottom lip. She reaches for the yellow paint and squirts some onto her right hand before rubbing her hands together. The remaining red mixes with the yellow. It’s a sort of orange tint to the yellow. She smirks and looks down at Maya. She gets the blondes attention, so they are looking at each other before Carina takes a breast in each hand. Maya sucks in a shocked breath. “What are these?”

Maya has no idea. The Spanish word pops into her brain. “Tetas.” She chuckles.

Carina rolls her eyes. “Correct but wrong languages. Tettes.” She gives a squeeze.

Maya tips her head back. “Close enough.” Carina rolls her thumbs over Maya’s nipples. Maya moans. “Don’t-“ She has to swallow. “Don’t tease if you aren’t going to go any further.”

“Who said I wasn’t going to go any further.” Carina bends and takes a nipple into her mouth sucking on it, well aware of the yellow paint that spreads to her mouth and face. She flicks her tongue over the nipple before sucking again.

Maya’s hips buck uncontrollably. If it wasn’t for Carina sitting on top of her, Maya thinks she might have jumped right out of bed.

“Easy tiger.” Carina whispers and sits back up. “What’s next?” She smirks.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” Maya groans.

“So big, tough, fire captain Maya Bishop can’t take a little teasing.”

Maya rolls her head to the side. “No.” Usually when it comes to sex Maya is all about speed. How fast can you get to climax or your partner? Fast, hot, intense. This, this is completely opposite of that and it’s driving Maya crazy.

Carina gets some more red paint on her hands. She takes Maya’s wrists and hold her arms above her head. “These are the polso. Wrist.”

“Polso.”

“Bene.” With one hand holding Maya’s wrists above her head Carina leans down and kisses her. Some of the yellow paint transfers to Maya’s face and lips. “Mano.” She holds her red hand in front of Maya’s face.

“Mano.”

Carina leans towards Maya’s ear. “The fingers that I’m going to make you come with are dita.” She whispers in Maya’s ear before taking Maya’s earlobe between her lips.

“Di-ta.” Maya stutters out.

“You have been a very good student.” Carina’s lips travel from Maya’s ear down to her neck. She stops to suck on her pulse point which has Maya absolutely squirming. Carina giggles as she licks over the spot. “That’s going to leave a mark.”

Maya groans. “Can you just fuck me already?”

“I think it’s impossibile to just fuck you.” Carina sits up and reaches for a tissue from the bedside table. “But-“ She wipes the excess paint off of her hands. Carina looks down then. Both of their chests and torsos and faces covered in paint. She smirks before getting off of the bed.

Maya sits up onto her elbows. “Where are you going?”

“Just here.” She slides her underwear down her legs.

“Oh.” Maya watches, enraptured. “Come here.” Maya reaches out for her as she sits up properly.

“Vieni qui. Remember?”

Maya nods. She remembers Carina whispering that a few days ago in her office. “Vieni qui.” She holds her hands out and Carina takes them as she kneels on the bed again.

“Bacami.” Carina mumbles and reaches up to take Maya’s face in her hands before crashing their lips together. Maya wraps her arms around Carina and pulls her close. The feeling off their breasts pressing together sends a shiver down Maya’s spine.

Carina gently pushes Maya back and has her laying on her back, head on the pillow again. She gives her one more sure kiss before Carina shifts her focus elsewhere. She straddles Maya’s right thigh as she hovers over the blonde. She looks into Maya’s eyes, asking the silent question. Maya nods.

Carina runs her left hand down Maya’s arm. When she gets to Maya’s wrist she flips her hand over and locks her hand in Maya’s. It was all fun and games earlier but this, now, feels different for Carina. She feels a real connection to Maya. Something that is more than just fun. More than just sex. More than just a quick hook up. She knows it might just be her Italian blood and her big emotions but to her it feels like whatever this is, whatever they have has the potential to be real.

She puts their connected hands up near Maya’s shoulder and leans onto her left side. The paint that is on them has mostly all dried by now. Some is on the sheets but not much really. Carina strokes her thumb over Maya’s chin before her hand slips down her front and finds wet warmth. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t turned on as well. But just feeling the wetness between Maya’s legs on her fingers only make Carina that much more wet herself. She flicks her thumb over Maya’s clit and receives a jolt through Maya in return.

“I’m so sensitive.” Maya moans.

Carina knows, that was the whole point of the foreplay with the paint. She presses a kiss to Maya’s shoulder. “I’ll be gentle.” She whispers.

Maya’s eyes widen. She doesn’t think anyone has ever been ‘gentle’ with her. She doesn’t dare say anything though. She needs release and saying something will most definitely stop that from happening.

Carina pushes herself up onto her left elbow to adjust her angle. She slips one finger inside Maya and waits until Maya adjusts to it.

Maya has to close her eyes. Everything feels like it’s too much.

“You okay?”

All Maya can do is nod her head.

Carina slips in a second finger and the moan it pulls from Maya is glorious. She smirks.

Maya bends her right leg at the knee, bringing it up, allowing more room, better access but in turn her thigh pushing up into Carina where she straddles that leg.

It gets a hiss out of the Italian. She wasn’t expecting that and definitely wasn’t ready for it. Maya chuckles a little at the fact that Carina is just as turned on, wet, and sensitive.

Carina starts a slow rhythm with her fingers. Maya tilts her head to the side as the pleasure builds. She pops her eyes open and looks at Carina. The Italian was already looking at her, so their eyes meet immediately. She wants Carina to feel good too. “Ride me.”

“What?”

“Ride my leg.” Maya says a little louder.

Carina nods and settles her weight against Maya’s thigh. It’s a little awkward to do both at once so Carina focuses on Maya first. A steady rhythm until her hand that is in Maya’s is being crushed. “Let go, bella.” She whispers and that’s all it takes.

Maya is arching her back, moaning out Carina’s name in between desperate gasps of air. She frees her hand from Carina’s so she can put her hands on Carina’s hips. Partially because she needs to hold onto Carina with both hands but also, she wants Carina to follow her over the edge.

Carina gets the hint that Maya is giving her and grinds herself against Maya’s thigh. “Touch me, Maya.” Carina moans.

Maya moves her hand. She finds Carina’s clit circling it with her index finger a few times before Carina throws her head back in a long moan. “Merda.” Carina lurches forward, hunching over, before collapsing on top of Maya.

“That good, huh?” Maya rubs Carina’s back.

“Dio mio, si.”

Maya laughs. “Did I break you? Have you reverted back to only Italian?” Maya gets a string of Italian sentences in reply. She presses a kiss to Carina’s forehead.

Carina wraps her right arm and leg over Maya’s body. This right here is what she was talking about. Those big Italian feelings that make her think that what is going on here is something special.

After she catches her breath, Carina starts laughing.

“What?” Maya asks.

“You look ridiculous.” She rubs her thumb across the blue paint that is under Maya’s left eye.

Maya smiles. “It’s your fault.”

“It is.” Carina licks her lips and steal a lazy kiss from Maya.

“Maybe I should shower.”

Carina stops her. “No. Wait. I need evidence.”

“Evidence?” Maya squeaks. “Are you going to report me to the police for something? If anything, I should report you for making an absolute mess of this bed.”

“You love it, though.” Carina reaches for her phone. She sits up and straddles Maya’s hips. She sucks in a quick breath as her center presses against Maya’s pelvis. “Not evidence then. Proof that this happened. Smile.”

Maya’s brain is stuck on the part where she loves it. Because Maya does. She has absolutely loved what they’ve done this afternoon.

“Maya?” Carina takes a few photos of Maya with her phone.

Maya comes back to earth. “Uh, you better not show those to anyone.”

“I won’t.”

“I’m serious.” Maya frowns. “This.” She twirls her hand around in a circle. “Isn’t for anyone else to see.”

“I know, bella.” Carina leans down and kisses the frown off of Maya’s face. She flops down onto the mattress at Maya’s side and holds the phone out in front of them, switching the camera around. “Now smile.” She instructs. Maya pouts. Carina takes a few photos. “Come on.” She leans over and presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. That gets her to smile, and Carina snaps the photo like that. “Okay. Now we can shower.”

“We?” Maya raises an eyebrow.

“Si.” Carina gets out of bed and grabs Maya by the hand, pulling her up and towards the bathroom. “I made you all dirty. Now I’m going to make you all clean.”

She doesn’t know if it’s the words themselves or the way Carina says them in her Italian accent but Maya moans. “You’re not fair.”

Carina laughs and pulls Maya into the bathroom. “I know.” She closes the bathroom door.

Maya swings Carina around and presses her against the door, nipping at her shoulder. “Stay here tonight.” She doesn’t dare look up. Too afraid to see Carina’s reaction to the request.

“Maya.” Carina wraps her hands around Maya’s face and tries to get her to raise her head.

“I know.” Maya sighs. “You have to go. It was stupid. Can you forget I said anything?” She takes a step back, still not able to look up. She steps out of Carina’s reach. “I’ve ruined this. Made it awkward. Sorry.” She turns away from Carina and tries to keep her breathing normal though Maya can feel it turning erratic. She doesn’t need to have another breakdown right now. One in a day is bad enough. One in front of Carina was bad enough. But two? That would be a cherry on top of the cake that is this weird, wonderful day.

Carina takes a step and then two until she is right up behind Maya. She rests her chin on her shoulder and wraps her arms around her from behind. “I was just surprised.” She whispers and presses a kiss to Maya’s shoulder. “I’ll stay but I have to leave super early in the morning so I can get ready for work.”

Maya can’t help the smile that pulls at the corners of her lips. “That’s fine. I’m up at like 5:30 anyway so I can go for a run.”

“Even on your day off?”

“Yes.” Maya nods and spins around in Carina’s arms. She looks up into those warm brown eyes. “I’ve been told before that runners are crazy. And that’s probably true. So, you can call me crazy if you want.”

“I’ll just call you Maya. Or bella. Or maybe Captain Bishop.”

“I like that last one.” Maya smirks. Nobody else likes that Maya is captain or believes she can do the job. But Carina does. It feels good to have at least someone in her corner.

Carina rolls her eyes playfully. “Okay, then.” She smacks Maya on the ass. “Turn on the shower, Captain.”

Chapter 5

Notes:

Oh my gosh, thanks for all the amazing comments on the last chapter. I smile like a big idiot with every one. That last chapter was a personal favorite of mine and maybe my favorite thing i've ever written.

On to the next one. The next few chapters aren't as light. I won't say they are heavy but they deal with Rigo's death, and Andrew's mania. So just a little FYI.

Chapter Text

A few days pass and Maya is busy with work, but she makes it a point to stay in contact with Carina. Little texts asking about her day or sending funny memes. Maya has found that the Italian doesn’t exactly have the same sense of humor as she does, but that’s okay. She has also found that Carina will laugh at just about any dumb thing that comes out of Maya’s mouth, though, joke or not. And she’s starting to think that she has a new favorite sound and that it’s the sound of Carina laughing. Actually, she has two favorite sounds. The sound of Carina’s laugh and the sound of the Italian words that Carina speaks to her that she has no idea what they mean. Carina could be saying the grossest, most disgusting things in Italian and Maya would still think it’s the loveliest sounding thing in the world.

Maya surprises herself when she invites Carina over for dinner. Dinner was great but one thing led to another and they found themselves in Maya’s bed.

“So, as I was saying before we got distracted.” Maya smirks.

“Such a good distraction.” Carina winks.

“I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t deserve the job. It should be Andy’s. It’s just so fucked up. It was just some guys basically deciding the lives of two female firefighters.”

“And Jack.” Carina adds. Can’t forget Jack was in the running for Captain too.

“And Jack. Not caring what the consequences were.” Maya groans and gets more comfortable in her bed, not that she wasn’t comfortable already.

“Sexist.”

“Yes, correct. It’s just it’s all so shitty. None of this had to happen. Andy and I could still be friends. I mean, I still think of her as my best friend, but that relationship is strained and damaged now.”

And there’s that foreign tongue again. Maya just smiles and watches Carina as she speaks. “I don’t understand a word of this. But somehow it’s working.” It’s soothing to hear.

Carina translates. “Go shine your light, bella. Tell your truth. Dammi un bacio.”

Maya has heard one of those words before. “Is that kiss me?”

“Yeah.”

Maya pushes herself up and Carina meets her halfway for a brief kiss.

“We always talk about my problems. What about you?” Maya is curious.

Carina gasps. “I don’t have any problems.”

“So, you’re just perfect? Your life is perfect?”

“Si.” Carina grins widely and nods.

Maya reaches out and finds Carina’s hand. “Come on. I feel like I’m always bitching and complaining, and you don’t have anything to say about anything.”

“Nope.”

Maya wraps a hand around Carina’s waist next. “I don’t believe you. You don’t have any co-workers that drive you nuts? Or complaints about patients? Or friends who irritate you sometimes?” She pulls Carina down on top of her. It gets a little squeal out of the Italian. “Who are your friends? Other doctors from the hospital? I know you know Ben. What do you guys talk about? Is there some secret doctor code that you’re not allowed to break?”

“Who are your friends? Other than Andy.” Carina raises an eyebrow.

“Well, Andy. Vic. Travis by association to Vic. Travis and Vic are attached at the hip most of the time. I don’t know if I can say Jack is my friend.” Maya looks away from Carina.

“Why?”

“I mean, I guess we could be friends. I don’t know. It’s tricky to be friends with someone after you’ve slept with them and now you don’t anymore.” She chances a glance at Carina. “And you work together.”

“Oh.” Carina pushes herself up into a sitting position. “Jack is your ex.”

“Jack is my ex.”

“Have you slept with anyone else at the fire station?” Carina quirks an eyebrow.

Maya laughs. “Not anyone from my crew but-“

“People from other stations.” Carina finishes for Maya.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you know you shouldn’t mix business with pleasure.”

“I do know that. And now I have you to save me from making that mistake again.” Maya reveals. She means it as more of a joke than anything.

Carina hums thoughtfully. She’s not sure if she likes that she knows about Maya and Jack now. If there was a world where she didn’t know they were a thing than Carina would happily live in that world. But now she knows and that changes everything. “So, you work with your ex?”

“I’m his boss. Is that going to be a problem?” Maya laughs awkwardly. “I actually dropped him when I got in the running to become captain.”

“Dio mio.” Carina rolls her eyes.

“Listen, I wasn’t like in love with him or anything. It’s fine.” Maya tries to downplay it. She thinks maybe she shouldn’t have even brought Jack up in the first place.

“Is it?” Carina wonders.

“Well, it wasn’t at first. He was pissed. But I didn’t care. I wanted to be captain, and this was my first shot at it, so I took it. My dad always trained me to go after things. To have goals and to do anything you need to until you reach that goal. So that’s what I did. Eyes forward at all times. The only thing that matters is the finish line.” She repeats her father’s mantra.

Carina frowns.

“What?” Maya asks of the frown.

Carina thinks about it. If it’s eyes forward at all times, then what does that say about the present. “It’s good to have goals Maya but-“

“But nothing. Think of a goal. Achieve it. Move on the next one.” Maya doesn’t see it any other way.

“Yes but-“

“What?” Maya is starting to get irritated with this conversation and Carina questioning her father’s mantra.

Carina sighs. “It sounds like you are living in the future. What about the present?”

“What about it?”

“Do you want to be captain or not? It almost sounds like you are ready to move on to the next thing.” Carina challenges. Just because it’s not going the greatest with Maya and her new captaincy doesn’t mean she should just quit and move on to the next thing. At least, that’s how Carina sees it.

Maya thinks. She really thinks about what Carina is saying. And she doesn’t know if she’d think about it if anyone else posed the question. But here Carina is challenging her, and she finds she likes it. She was irritated but maybe, just maybe, there’s more than one way to look at things. “I want to be captain.”

“But?”

“But it was like you were saying the other day. I need to earn it. I don’t have respect because of the situation in which I was made captain. And part of me just wants to move past that. Go on to the next thing. Something that I’ve gained and earned myself.”

“So, what are you going to do?”

Maya sighs and flops on the bed dramatically. “I don’t know.”

“Remember what I said.” Carina runs her fingertips up and down Maya’s arm, sending a shiver through Maya’s body.

“You want to do nice things for me.” Maya smirks. She knows that’s not what Carina is referring to.

The smile that she gets from Carina is well worth the stupid little joke. “That I do, bella. But, no, today.”

“Tell my truth.” Maya mumbles.

Carina nods. “Enough about this. What were we doing before?” She leans in to kiss Maya.

But Maya pulls back, avoiding the kiss. “Wait.”

Carina groans. “What?”

“I see what you’re doing.”

“Oh?” Carina raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah. You’re deflecting. I asked about you and your friends and stuff, but you turned it back on me. What are you not telling me, Dr. DeLuca?”

Carina hums. “Nothing. I just-“

“Oh, come on.” Maya slides her hands up Carina’s sides. “All we do is talk about me and my crap. You can’t be as perfect as you seem.”

“I’m not perfect.”

“You seem pretty perfect.” Maya challenges.

“Well, I’m not.”

“Do tell.”

Carina shakes her head. “One time a stole a lipstick from the drugstore.”

This surprises Maya. “Recently?”

“No. When I was a kid. I was an excellent thief.”

“So, you stole more than just a lipstick?” Maya grins, though she doesn’t condone theft.

Carina shrugs. “A few things. Over time.”

“What were you like as a kid?” Maya finds herself trying to imagine a young Carina.

“All lanky limbs and long hair. I would spend most of my summer out of doors.”

Maya chuckles at Carina’s words. “So, gorgeously tan?”

“Si.” Carina grins, cute as ever. “But I was a kid. So just a tan skinny kid.”

“Why did you want to become a doctor?” Now Maya wants to know more about young Carina.

“Because my papa was a doctor. He was my idol when I was a kid. He was so powerful and so cool. Or at least I thought.”

“What do you mean?”

“Just that when you are a kid you see things and think things that are different than what they are. Like how kids are, you know. You don’t know the full weight of the world yet and everything is just great and wonderful and magical. Life hasn’t beat you up or beat you down yet.”

Maya nods in agreement. Carina leans in again for a kiss and Maya can’t resist any longer even though Carina still dodged her questions about her personal life.


The next day, Maya goes into the station with a specific thought on her mind. She’s been thinking it over and over and she has taken what Carina has said into consideration as well. The words repeat in her head as she marches to Sullivan’s office.

‘Shine your light. Tell your truth.’

She has requested to speak with him and Andy. She tells them he made a mistake and gave her a job she didn’t earn. And that she believes that Andy should get the job of captain.

Of course, on one of their calls that day Chief Dixon has to show up and try to undermine Maya. There’s added pressure on her now that Dixon’s son is working on her crew. It’s not an ideal situation but there’s nothing Maya can do about it. She will treat Dixon Jr. just like any other person on her crew. She’s not going to baby him or keep him on the sideline just because he is Dixon’s kid. Maya does wonder if Emmett is cut out to be a firefighter though.

The shift is going well. Maya feels like if this is her last shift as captain then she’s glad that it’s this one and not some horrible day that she will remember forever. No, today was good.

That is, until Sullivan comes in and says that Rigo died.

Everything in Maya deflates. So much for a good shift.

He was supposed to go home today. He was getting better. How can this be?

Maya doesn’t feel anything. Well, maybe she feels dread. But that’s about it. She goes home after her shift and crawls into bed. There’s a heaviness in her chest that she can’t shake. It feels like there’s a brick sitting there and nothing she does can move it.

She knows firefighters die sometimes. It’s a part of the job. She knows as captain she is responsible for the whole team, no matter who they are to her. She knows that as long as she’s captain there is a possibility that she’ll lose more. But this is the first one under her command and it’s hard and she doesn’t know how to deal with it.

She texts Carina. She would have done it as soon as she found out about Rigo; but she knows she wouldn’t have been able to hold back her emotions long enough when talking to Carina about it to finish her shift with a clear head.

Maya finds herself thinking more and more about Carina these days. She isn’t sure what they really are but she’s okay with that for now. Maya likes that they can talk about things, work, struggles. Apart from Andy and Vic, Maya doesn’t really talk to anyone else about her feelings. But now there’s Carina. And Maya has found that she is an excellent listener and sounding board. Carina will say when Maya is in the wrong or she’ll agree with Maya on something, and it doesn’t have to be more than that.

Rigo died.

That’s it. That’s the message. That’s not what Maya wanted to send. She wanted a distraction. She wanted to ask Carina about her day and get lost in whatever it was that was going on in Carina’s world at the moment to forget about her own hell of a world.

But she already hit send. Maya rolls her eyes at herself.

Instead of getting a message in reply, Maya’s phone starts ringing with a video call.

As soon as Carina’s face appears. “Oh, bella.” Carina coos. “What can I do?”

Maya rolls her eyes. This isn’t what she wanted. She doesn’t want pity or sympathy or for Carina to have to deal with her problems. “I don’t know. I just feel crumby.”

“That’s normal.”

“Gee thanks.”

Carina chuckles lightly. “You just lost someone. It’s normal to feel crumby.

“It’s like there’s a brick right here.” Maya puts her hand over the center of her collarbone, just below her throat. “It’s heavy, and it feels like I can’t breathe, and it won’t go away.”

“Where are you?”

Instead of answering using words, Maya swings the phone around to give Carina a view of her bed and bedroom. She pops back into the view. “Your new favorite place.” It’s a joke. It’s supposed to be a joke.

Carina isn’t in a joking mood though. Maya really isn’t either, but that is her go to if things are shitty. Try to make a joke to lighten the mood. “I’m still at work. I’ll come to you when I’m done.”

Maya sighs. “You don’t have to. I just wanted to let you know what was going on, what happened.” Now that Carina says that Maya feels like she is making a bigger deal out of this than she should be.

“And I appreciated that, I do, but Maya you don’t have to do everything by yourself. It’s okay to need friends. To need people.”

Maya doesn’t say anything to that. She doesn’t want to just be Carina’s friend. She knows that now. Maya still can’t put a name or label on what they have, but there’s no way they can be just friends. She knows that would never be enough.

“Andy talked to me today. Like in more than a work capacity. Speaking of friends.” Maya changes the subject.

“How did it go with everything?” Carina tilts her head to the side, with a soft smile, happy that Andy and Maya are making progress, however little it may be.

Maya shrugs. “We had a call, and it went really well, and I felt really good about it and if it was my last call, last shift as captain, then I was okay with that. But then Andy said I can’t quit. That I need to be captain. That if I quit it is quitting on all the female firefighters. It is quitting on all the female captains and future female captains. Basically, I need to be captain for everyone else. But what about me?”

“I think it’s important to remember that it’s Andy that is saying this. She’s not saying she wants to be captain or that she thinks it should be her job. That says a lot.” Carina puts in her two cents.

“I know it does.” Maya sighs.

There’s a knock on Carina’s office door. “Maya, I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you as soon as I’m done with work.”

“You don’t have to. I feel better already.” And she does. Maya feels just a little lighter now that she got to talk to Carina. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me but you are very welcome.” Carina grins with a little wink.


Carina sighs as she gets done with work. Her shift went long and now it’s dark outside and she hasn’t had anything to eat since this morning. The hangry is starting to take over. So that’s the first thing she thinks about.

The second is Maya. She shakes her head lightly. Maya has so much on her plate, and it just doesn’t seem fair, but that’s the way life is sometimes. She’s had a good time getting to know Maya other than just in bed, though, that’s great too. They seem to get along easily. Which is a relief because she really likes Maya. And now that she knows a little more about the blonde and everything that’s going on in her life with the captain stuff and the issues at the fire station, Carina feels for her. She feels things that she hasn’t felt in a long time. She feels like she needs to be there for Maya. Why? She isn’t sure. They just met not that long ago but she’s felt that from the beginning maybe. She is drawn to Maya in an inexplicable way. And not just drawn to her for one reason. It’s more like everything in her body yearns to be with her. It’s the craziest feeling and it gives Carina such a rush. Even when she’s just talking to Maya on the phone it feels like there is just this simple but honest connection. It just feels inexplicable.

Plus, the blonde is adorable and sexy and physically strong and even though she knows Maya is trying to play it cool and keep things casual, Carina knows that there’s more going on than that with Maya. She knows this. If it were only casual between them Maya wouldn’t be calling her all the time and asking her to come over when one of her firefighters died. Okay, so maybe Carina invited herself over, but Maya didn’t protest too much about it.

So, when she knocks on the door with a bag of food in her hand, Carina can’t help but smile when Maya pulls the door open. Those beautiful ocean blues are a little unsettled today. It’s the first thing Carina notices.

“How are you?” She asks.

Maya shrugs in reply, she doesn’t want to say. “What’s that?” She nods at the bag in Carina’s hand.

“Oh, I stopped and picked up something to eat. I’m starving and I didn’t think it would be kind of me to make you deal with my hangry mood.”

Maya chuckles a little at that. A genuine smile displayed across her face for maybe the first time since being notified of Rigo’s death.

Carina sighs, thankful that she got the blonde to, at least, smile. “Have you eaten?”

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t have much of an appetite.”

“You should eat something, bella. Even if you aren’t hungry.” Carina holds the bag in front of Maya’s face. “I got some soup and a couple of sandwiches for us.”

Maya smiles softly. Here Carina is again taking care of her. It irritates Maya a little that Carina can do this. Normally, she wouldn’t let anyone try to take care of her. She would push them away or, at the very least, resist until they forced her to go along begrudgingly. This though, gosh, it feels like the best thing in the world. Just Carina wanting to be there for her and take care of her makes Maya feel better.

Maya takes a step forward and wraps her arms around Carina, laying her head on her shoulder.

“Maya?” Carina whispers. Maya hums. “Are you alright?”

“Thank you.” Maya says, barely audible.

There’s a rumble before Carina can say ‘you’re welcome’. She grimaces.

Maya lifts her head from Carina’s shoulder. “What was that?” She thinks she might know but gives Carina a questioning look.

“My stomach.”

Maya takes a step back and looks down at Carina’s stomach. “No, it can’t be. It was sooooo loud.” She looks up and grins at Carina.

Carina bites her lip. “I don’t know what to say. It was my stomach. I told you I was starving.”

Maya grins. It’s funny to her just how loud Carina’s stomach just rumbled. “Then let’s eat.”

“I thought you weren’t hungry.” Carina raises an eyebrow.

“No, but you are.” She tugs on Carina’s free hand, pulling her into the kitchen. “I’ll get some plates. And some spoons.” Maya rummages around in the draw and then pulls the cupboard open to get the plates. “Do we need bowls, or do you think we can just eat from the soup container?”

Carina watches Maya as she moves about the kitchen. It’s strange. It’s like Maya’s earlier sullen mood is completely gone. Well, maybe not completely gone, but it has changed. Like the whole death has been forgotten or pushed aside for now. Carina finds it a little strange but very intriguing.

“Whatever you want.” Carina mumbles.

“Okay. I wouldn’t normally do this but-“ Maya spins around with all the items in her hands. “-let’s eat in my room.”

“In bed?”

Maya pulls her lips to one side. “Only if you promise to not get any crumbs in the sheets.”

“And what if I do?” Carina raises a challenging eyebrow.

“Well, then I just make you change the sheets by yourself.”

Carina laughs as Maya leads the way to her room.

They eat and then lay down in bed.

“How’s your stomach?” Maya tries to hold back her laugh, but it seeps out.

Carina rolls her eyes. “It’s fine now. But it was hungry.”

“Oh, I heard.” Maya grins over at Carina. She can’t help but be amused.

“Lay down with me.” Carina requests.

Maya lays on the back, staring up at the ceiling for a few quite minutes. The feeling of Carina’s fingers stroking up and down her arm aren’t missed. But it feels like there is an elephant in the room and Maya doesn’t want to talk about it, but she wants Carina to know that she is grateful. “Thanks for coming over. You didn’t have to.”

“I know. But I wanted to.” Carina sighs.

“Tell me about your day.” Maya asks, moving so that she can lay her head in Carina’s lap. That brick has returned to her chest.

Carina sighs. She puts a hand on the top of Maya’s head. “Well, it was uneventful, but I can tell you about all the boring parts.”

“Please do.” Maya wants nothing more than to hear about and think about something else other than Rigo, and a death investigation, and how she is going to rally her team after his death.

Carina goes into every boring detail about her day. She runs her fingers through Maya’s hair as she speaks. Maya has her eyes closed but hums every now and then to let Carina know that she is listening.

Maya shifts a little when Carina switches from English to Italian. She doesn’t know the language and can only recognize a couple of words that sound similar to words in English, but it doesn’t matter. Carina could be speaking in any language, and it wouldn’t matter. It’s the sound of her voice that Maya craves. It’s the sound of her voice that is soothing. It’s the sound of her voice that brings Maya a sense of calm.

Carina tells Maya everything she said in English all over again in Italian. She knows it’s silly, but she isn’t sure what else to say or talk about. And she knows Maya doesn’t want to talk about Rigo.

“Do you want me to stay tonight?”

Maya sighs. “I’ll be fine.”

Carina clicks her tongue at Maya. “That wasn’t what I asked.”

Maya sits up, immediately regretting the decision at the loss of contact. But Maya isn’t clingy. She doesn’t need someone to hold her and touch her and caress her skin. She folds her arms over her chest, defiant.

Carina sighs. “Maya, it’s late.”

“I know.”

She tries again. “Do you want me to stay?”

Maya closes her eyes. She wants nothing more, but she thinks it makes her feel weak. And she already feels weak enough. There’s a hand on her shoulder. And then lips pressed next to the hand on her shoulder.

“I’ll go.” Carina whispers, she doesn’t feel personally offended that Maya doesn’t want her to stay. She knows the blonde is going through something. She moves to get out of bed but doesn’t make it to even the edge of the bed when an arm wraps around her waist and prevents her from moving farther.

“Don’t.”

Carina is pulled down onto her back and Maya’s arms wrap around her tightly, her face buried against Carina’s shoulder. “Don’t go.” Maya mumbles into her shirt as tears start to fall from her eyes.

“It’s okay.” Carina rubs her back. She holds Maya as she cries until the blonde falls asleep in her arms.

Chapter 6

Notes:

as always, thanks for the lovely comments.

here we have carina finally telling maya something personal about herself, what's going on in her life after keeping everything to herself and not wanting to be a burden on maya's already complicated life.

Chapter Text

To say the day has been difficult would be an understatement. Carina doesn’t thinking she’s gone through anything like this in a long time. Maybe ever. Even with her father. His mania always seemed productive. That is, until it wasn’t. But Carina never saw most of it. Some sure. Enough to know what was going on, definitely. He was at the hospital all the time. She was home or away studying. So this is different. Today is difficult.

To be working in the same hospital as Andrew was a blessing. Or so Carina thought. And it was until today when an intern came running into one of her patient exams in a panic telling her that she was needed and to hurry.

Carina thought at first that it was just one of her patients that had an emergency or had gone into unexpected labor but then she realized that the intern wasn’t one from her department.

Carina ran after him. She spotted the slowly growing group of people and came to a halt near the rear of the pack. That’s when she heard Andrea’s raised voice. Him nearly shouting. She knew right away what was happening.

This was it. The moment she had been waiting for. The other shoe had dropped.

She had pushed to the front of the crowd and the tears and sadness hit her as she begged Andrea to stop.

Carina had hid in her office for most of the rest of the day, only coming out when she was required to. She knows Andrea needs professional help. She also knows that he will refuse if she suggests something. Carina thinks about talking to Meredith about it, but she knows that Andrea isn’t going to listen to her either. He won’t listen to reason or anyone right now. And that’s the first major hurdle in all this. She spends the rest of the day thinking about what to do.

She doesn’t know who to turn to either. She could talk to Amelia about it. She knows the neurosurgeon would have some suggests and could even maybe help with a referral. They are friends but Carina doesn’t know if she should be talking to her friends about Andrea’s condition. If he found out that she was telling people that she thought he had a mental illness, Andrea would distance himself from her further.

She thinks about Maya. Even though Maya usually resists at first, Carina can always get her talking about what’s going on, what’s wrong, her problems. They mostly have to do with work and the station so maybe that’s why. She doesn’t know if Maya would talk about something that’s more personal. She also doesn’t want to talk to Maya about Andrea. Mostly for personal reasons. And because Andrea doesn’t even know who Maya is. Actually, now that Carina thinks about it, she wonders he if does know who she is. He’s worked in coordination with the fire department before. When he lost a kid in the hospital and went out with the fire department to help search. She vaguely remembers that. She’ll have to ask Maya about it.

Carina could just call her, and they could talk like normal, but Carina doesn’t know if she could act normal. She doesn’t want to put all of her problems on Maya. She doesn’t want to put more on her when Maya is dealing with her own stuff at the moment. Carina also doesn’t know if Maya would be there for her if she would open up about what is happening with Andrea. That’s the biggest hurdle. Carina doesn’t want to bring all of this to light for it to just be pushed aside or ignored by Maya. Or worse, for Maya to put distance between them or end things because of it. She thinks that would hurt worse than not bringing it up in the first place. She doesn’t want to intentionally keep secrets, but she also doesn’t know what’s going to happen with Andrea. Or what’s going to happen with Maya for that matter.

She showers the day off of her and gets on her pajamas and sits in bed with a hot cup of tea. Her phone sits on the bed next to her, almost taunting her. When her cup of tea is nearly gone, Carina finally gives in.

“Hey. I was just about to go to bed. I’m glad you called when you did, or I would’ve missed it.” Maya says in lieu of greeting.

“An early shift tomorrow?” Carina tries to remain calm, have evened breathing when she speaks.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I just wanted- I’m not sure what I wanted.” Carina stumbles for something to say, her voice wavering and she knows it. She hopes Maya doesn’t notice.

Maya hums on the other end of the call, distracted with her nighttime routine. “I’m going to put you on speaker so I can wash my face and brush my teeth. I’m not ignoring you, or trying to be rude, I just want to get this done so I can get in bed.”

“I’m in bed.” She says flatly.

There’s silence from Maya for a moment as she thinks about Carina in bed. As she thinks about Carina potentially naked in bed. “What are you wearing?”

There’s a faint laugh. “Not like that.”

Maya sighs. “Sorry.” She starts the tap to wash her face.

“I have a cup of tea. It’s nearly empty. I’m just sitting here trying to relax.” Carina says and waits for a reply from Maya.

“Trying to relax? Did you have a tough day? I thought delivering babies made you happy.” Maya smiles at the image in her head. One of Carina, just having delivered a baby as she holds it in her hands and shows the parents, maybe announcing that it’s a healthy baby before a nurse takes it from her to clean it off and get its statistics.

“It does. I had an – interesting day.”

“Oh?” Maya is starting to pick up that this isn’t like their usual conversations. “Did something bad happen? Did you lose a patient?”

“No, nothing like that.” Carina sighs.

Maya notices that Carina isn’t her usual light, chipper self. She doesn’t want to be too nosy and straight out ask but the longer the conversation goes on the more it bothers Maya.

“Hey, before we go any further-”

“What?” Carina really isn’t in the mood. “You don’t want to go any further with me?”

“What?” Maya furrows her brow. “No. What? I just- is something up? Like you don’t seem like yourself today or like the you that I’ve come to know over the last few weeks. It’s just something I noticed while we were talking. And I just thought maybe I should say something. Not that I think I should say anything. It’s just that it seems like something is bothering you. Is something bothering you? Is it something I did? Or said? I just want-“ to make sure you’re okay. Maya doesn’t voice that last part though. She speaks fast and has to take a big breath after all her words come out.

Carina grins. “You’re cute when you ramble.”

Maya frowns. “You’re avoiding my question.”

“Which one?” Carina tries to play it off.

Maya sighs in frustration. “Come on.”

Carina sighs too.

“I think my brother is sick.”

There’s a moment of silence.

“Andrew?”

Carina chuckles. “He’s the only brother I’ve got.”

Maya knows this. She was just taken by surprise. Carina told her about Andrew the night they met. “A cold? The flu? I heard that’s going around. He’s a big boy, isn’t he? He can take care of himself. Though men are incredible babies when they are sick. Insufferable. Why are you so worried about that?” Something isn’t adding up and Maya knows it.

“Remember how I said I wanted to be around to keep an eye on Andrea. When we first met.”

Maya grins thinking about the night they met. “Yeah.”

“Well, this is why. He’s sick now. I think I know what it is cuz I saw the same thing with my father. It’s mental illness, Maya.”

“Oh.” All the air deflates from Maya’s lungs.

“And something happened today at the hospital that made me almost sure that he really is sick. During the snowstorm he went out to get a liver for a patient and he had to walk, and it was snowing, and cold, and he didn’t wear gloves and his hands got frostbite. That was the first sign. Well, maybe not the first, but that was an obvious first sign but this- this is so much more than that. He’s manic.”

“Oh.” Maya says again. She’s not really sure what to say. What do you saying when someone says something like their brother might have a mental illness?

“I just don’t know what to do. He won’t listen to me. Or really have anything to do with me. Meredith said he quit his job, but she convinced him to just take a suspension. I don’t really know where he is. He isn’t in contact with anyone right now, so I’m worried about him. He’s irrational. It’s not good.” Carina sighs, helplessly. She feels a little better telling Maya all this. She knows her brother wouldn’t like that she did, though. So she’s conflicted about doing so.

She waits for Maya to say something. When she doesn’t say anything Carina wonders if she did make the wrong decision in telling the blonde. This is what she was afraid of. She worries that Maya thinks poorer of her or that maybe she doesn’t like the sound of Carina having mental illness in her family. Whatever it is, Carina feels uneasy with the silence.

“Maya?”

“Yeah.”

“Say something. Did I totally just freak you out?” Carina worries her bottom lip between her teeth.

“No. I just-“

“I’m sorry. It’s a lot. Forget I brought it up. We can talk about something else. How was your day?” Carina panics, she feels like she is losing Andrea and maybe now too losing Maya, even though they haven’t know each other for very long Carina feels like they’ve developed a good bond. This might just break that bond. She feels her eyes water.

“No. I won’t forget.” Maya fiddles with the hem of her shirt. “I just didn’t know what to say. That’s all.” This is very foreign to Maya. “I mean- we hardly know each other.” She hears Carina take a shocked breath. “I don’t mean that as a bad thing.” She tries to explain. “I just mean- this is so new. What we have. I just- I’m surprised you told me something so personal. I’m surprised you-“

“Trust you.” Carina finishes.

“Yeah.” Maya sighs. “I’m sorry.”

Carina chuckles. “Maya, I trust you. To be truthful, I was worried that you were going to judge me or Andrea or have second thoughts about us because of what I said but I never had a problem with trusting you enough to tell you.”

“Oh, well, it doesn’t change my opinion of you. Or Andrew, for that matter. If he’s sick like you think, then he’s sick. And I’m sorry you are dealing with this. It must be difficult.” Maya lets out a long breath as everything starts to make a little more sense.

“It is.” Carina sighs. She feels a little lighter now that this conversation with Maya has gone well.

“I wish I could see you right now.” Maya whispers.

Carina smiles at that. “I can video call you.”

“No, I mean, I wish I could see you. You know what, screw it. I’m coming over.” She feels it in her skin, in her bones. She knows that the other day after Rigo’s death when Carina came over that she felt so much better just seeing her. Maya needs to do that for Carina. To return the favor, so to speak.

“Right now. No, Maya. You were just going to go to bed. You need to sleep.” Carina doesn’t want Maya going out of her way to do anything at this hour of the day.

“I can sleep there. No?”

“You’ve never even been to my place.” Carina nearly whines.

“Well, there’s a first time for everything. Why not now?” Maya finds her sneakers and the things she needs for work in the morning and shoves them into her backpack. “Text me your address.”

“Maya.”

“I’m serious. I’m hanging up now. If I don’t get a text message in the next minute, I will hunt you down Carina DeLuca. I’m the fire captain I have access to names and addresses of everyone in the city.”

Carina realizes the Maya is in fact serious. “Okay.” She says in a tiny voice. A teeny tiny smile on her lips at the thought of Maya coming over. Not just coming over but going out of her way, at the end of a day, when she should be in bed, and it’s late, to come over to make sure she is okay. It’s a feeling that Carina is not accustomed to but one that she is willing to accept.

“Okay, bye.” Maya hangs up the call. She gets her keys and is out the door. A text come in on her phone. My hits the address and it comes up on the map. “Perfect.”

It’s only ten minutes before Maya is standing at the door. She knocks lightly. She doesn’t have to wait long until the door is opening.

Carina takes a step back into her apartment to let Maya enter before closing the door.

Maya drops her backpack on the floor. “How are you doing?” She slips her arms around Carina’s waist.

Carina sighs and she puts her arms around Maya’s shoulder. “Better now that you are here.” She tells Maya honestly.

“Good.” Maya pulls Carina tight to her and rubs her hands up and down her back. “You’ll figure something out. You are super smart. I’m sure that everything will work out.” Maya feels Carina relax fully against her, some of her body weight resting on Maya. She does her part in standing tall and holding Carina upright.

They stay like that for a few minutes. But then Carina takes a step back. With a small smile, she runs her hands down Maya’s arms and finds her hands, interlocking their fingers together. “Let’s go to bed.” She whispers.

Maya smiles and nods.


It’s the crew’s first day back on the job since Rigo died. They’ve had the last two whole days off. Maya spent much of the first day trying to figure out what to do to help her crew deal with his death. Once she figured that out, she made it a point to spend the rest of the day outside, getting fresh air and exercise.

The night before had helped when Carina came over after her shift. But being alone again, Maya had felt that weight of his death.

And then yesterday, she had felt a little better about everything. That was until she talked to Carina last night and found out about Andrew.

The alarm on her phone had gone off ten minutes ago and Maya silently slipped off into the bathroom to get ready for her day. She comes back into the bedroom, dressed and ready for work. Maya stares at the bed. Her stomach twists with pain, guilt, and anxiety as she watches Carina. She looks around the room briefly. She’s never been here before last night, in Carina’s apartment. And last night she didn’t put any effort into looking around and seeing what kind of things Carina has decorated her space with. There’s not much really. A painting of a landscape on one wall. A bust of a woman in the corner which Maya smirks at. A straw hat sits on top of the dresser. The closet door is hanging open. It’s not messy but not as tidy as Maya keeps her place. A few items of clothing lay around. One hanging on the knob of the closet door, a pair of slacks on the arm of the small chair in another corner of the room.

But in the bed lays the most gorgeous woman Maya has ever seen. A woman that has opened her eyes to so many things in such a short period of time. A woman who has captivated her from day one. A woman who is dealing with something that Maya hopes she never has to deal with herself. A loved one with mental illness. She knows it can be taxing, exhausting. So that’s why she let’s Carina sleep. But she can’t just leave without saying goodbye.

Maya rounds the bed and kneels at the side. She runs her hand over Carina’s head, stroking her hair. “I have to go to work.” She whispers but doesn’t get any response.

She rubs her thumb across Carina’s cheek. “Hey.”

Carina’s eyes flutter open. “Are you leaving?” They had talked about Maya getting up early and going to work and agreed that Carina would sleep in and not get up to see her off. That was what Maya insisted upon.

“Yes, I have to go to work.” Maya whispers again.

Carina sighs. “-Kay.” Too sleepy to use the full word.

“Try to have a good day.” She presses a kiss to Carina’s forehead. “Call me if you need anything.” The words slip out of Maya’s mouth before she can really think about them, but as she pauses, she knows she means them. “Anything at all.”

Carina just nods. “Have a good day, Captain.” She mumbles.

Maya smiles and chuckles at that. “I’ll try too. I have to go deal with Rigo’s death.”

Carina wakes up a little more at that. With everything going on with Andrea yesterday she forgot about that. She pushes herself up onto her elbows. “I’m sorry. I forgot.”

“It’s okay.” Maya sighs. “You’ve got stuff going on too.”

Carina lays back down and nods into the pillow. “When will I see you again?” She doesn’t mean to sound whiny and needy, but she knows she does.

Maya thinks about it. She has to work that next three days. “Come by the station at lunchtime.”

The Italian raises an eyebrow at that, surprised.

“Only if you want.” Maya backs off a little, not wanting to seem too forward.

Carina closes her eyes again, cuddling into the blankets and pillow. She smiles, content. “I’ll see you at lunchtime.”

Maya rolls her eyes and kisses Carina on the side of the head as she stands up. “I’m going to go.”

Carina just nods.

Maya takes a step back from the bed and takes a moment to look at the woman before her. Something about this moment feels profound. Like, Maya doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t want to go to work. And Maya puts work above all else so that means something. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she has to deal with her team and Rigo’s death. This is about more than that.

She shakes her head, snapping out of it, as she realizes that Carina has fallen back to sleep.

It’s time to go.


There’s a soft knock on Maya’s office door. She looks up and sees Carina standing on the other side of the door. She waves her in. Maya stands up, forgetting her paperwork for the moment. She rounds the desk and goes to lean back against the front edge of it as Carina approaches her.

“Hey.” Maya whispers.

Carina runs her finger over the collar of Maya’s shirt. “Ciao.” She smiles and then kisses Maya.

Maya hums into the kiss. “How about that station tour now?”

Carina hums. She takes a step back from Maya. “Can I go for a ride on your fire truck?” She husks, her voice smooth and sexy.

Maya’s knees buckle. She grabs onto the edge of the desk with her hands to hold herself upright. “Good lord.” She groans and closes her eyes.

Carina chuckles and bites her lip. She reaches forward and grabs Maya’s belt buckle.

It startles Maya and she jumps away from the desk. She swats Carina’s hand away.

“Well?” Carina asks. She’s waiting for an answer from Maya.

“No.” Maya grumbles. “I’m at work.”

Carina tilts her head to the side. “I know that.” She plays innocent like she didn’t just suggest having sex with Maya at work.

Maya just shakes her head. She can’t even believe Carina right now. And after everything that happened with Andrew yesterday and Rigo a few days ago. “Tour?”

Carina sighs, disappointed. “Okay.”

Maya takes a step and then another as she passes by Carina. Carina reaches out and catches Maya’s hand as she passes. Maya stops and looks down at their hand hold. She’ll allow it but only if they don’t run into anyone. Maya has to keep reminding herself that she is working, that she’s at work.

They leave the office and Maya explains what happens at the front desk. She wonders who is supposed to be stationed there right now and where they are and why they aren’t at the desk. She forgets the thought as Carina squeezes her hand, bring her out of her thoughts.

“Let’s go into the barn. I will show you the engine, ladder truck, and ambulance.” She glances over at Carina and narrows her eyes.

Carina just smirks her little devilish smirk.

They walk the short distance. “Now no touching. I just made them clean everything.”

“What am I going to do? Get my fingerprints on something?” Carina jokes.

Maya scowls. “Yes. Station 19 can’t look bad out on a call.”

Carina realizes that Maya is serious. She looks left and then right as the come up next to the engine. “So I can’t-“ She leans in to whisper in Maya’s ear. “-push you up against the side of the engine and kiss you until you are panting and moaning for more.”

Maya swallows thickly. “No.” She whispers.

Carina laughs. “Relax, Maya.” She notices how rigid Maya is when she has visited her at work. Carina isn’t sure if that’s because she is at her work or if it’s because Maya is trying so hard to be captain and is putting on this tough rigid exterior.

“I’m at work.” Maya sighs.

“I know.” Carina repeats the words from before.

Maya hears footsteps and pulls Carina around to the front of the engine to avoid whoever that is walking by behind the engine from seeing them.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to keep me a secret.” Carina whispers.

Maya looks over her shoulder at Carina. She shakes her head.

Carina raises an eyebrow at her. She reaches around Maya from behind and tries to get her fingers on Maya’s belt buckle again.

Maya shakes her head, telling Carina no.

Carina doesn’t listen though. But, instead of trying to undo Maya’s belt she shifts her hand lower, pressing her fingers against Maya as she slides them down between her legs.

Maya groans and clamps her thighs tight together, pinching Carina’s hand there.

“Are you wet?” Carina whispers in her ear.

All Maya can do is nod.

Carina pulls her hand away and takes a step away from Maya. Maya puts a hand on the front of the engine to steady herself, leaving a sweaty palmprint there. “Fuck.” She mumbles under her breath both at Carina and her antics and at getting the engine ‘dirty’.

“You need to relax, Maya.” Carina says. “Loosen up a bit.”

Maya sighs. She knows that. There’s just so much going on right now and she feels like she has to be solid and strong for her team. They need her to be. “And I suppose you were trying to help with that.” She turns around, finally, to face Carina.

Carina grins and nods. “Si.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Well, all you did was work me up more. So, thanks.”

Carina reaches out and takes Maya’s face in her hands. “Oh, bella, mi dispiace.”

Maya tilts her head to the side.

“I’m sorry.”

Maya sighs. “Don’t. Don’t be. God, you are amazing and I’m being kind of an ass. It’s just that there’s a lot going on today.” There’s something that she appreciates about Carina trying to get her to relax but there also something in Maya that doesn’t want to go there with Carina while she’s a work.

“Listen.” She sighs. What she’s about to say is going to be a lot. “I don’t want you to think I’m keeping you a secret from the crew or sneaking around behind their backs when you are here or something. I know that’s what you are thinking but that’s not it.” Maya sighs. “And I appreciate you seeing that I’m tense and trying to get me to relax but I can’t have sex with you here. At the station. At work.” Maya closes her eyes and pauses for a minute. “As much as I would like to.” She looks down at the floor. “I’m the captain now. I can’t do that anymore. I have to be professional.”

“Anymore?”

That gets Maya to look up. She finds Carina’s questioning eyes looking at her. “I, uh, Jack and I snuck around behind everyone’s back, especially Andy, for a while.”

Carina furrows her brow.

“Jack is Andy’s ex too.”

Carina can’t help the laugh that burst out of her mouth. “Oh, dio mio.” She rubs a hand over her face.

“I know. I’m not proud of it. But that’s what happened. And so- and I-“ Maya sighs. “I don’t want to have sex with you here because if feel like that would taint what we have.”

“Maya.” Carina sighs her name. She reaches out for Maya and pulls her into a hug. She never would have imagined that when she met Maya at the bar that this is the Maya that she would see. This is the Maya that is under that hard, tough exterior. The Maya with feelings and emotions that go deeper than Carina thinks her own probably go. Maya with wants and needs that exceed just sex or a hook up. Maya that is reluctant to admit all of these things but eventually opens up about them to Carina. It’s such a gift in Carina’s eyes to be able to see and experience. Maya is such a gift and blessing to her.

Maya wraps her arms around Carina. “And because I’m captain.”

Carina chuckles at how serious Maya is about this. “Okay, bella. I get it.” She pulls back to look Maya in the eyes. “You could have just said something though.”

“Well, I just did.”

“I meant earlier.”

“Oh, well, I didn’t want to-“ Maya looks around before focusing on Carina again. “I didn’t want to bring Jack up again in regards to sex.”

Carina raises both of her eyebrows and gives Maya a tight lipped smile.

“Yeah. I know.” Maya shakes her head softly. “Let’s go back to my office. Have some lunch.”

“I didn’t bring anything with me.”

“No. And that’s good because I stopped at the deli on my way in this morning after I left your place and picked up a couple of sandwiches for us for lunch.”

“You did?”

“I did.” Maya rolls her eyes. “Since I told you to come down at lunchtime, I figured it would be inappropriate if I didn’t feed you while you were here.”

“You won’t let me ride your fire truck but you want to feed me?” Carina wiggles her eyebrows.

“Stop it.” Maya turns away from her. “Everything isn’t about sex or lead to sex.”

“But it could be.” Carina jokes.

“Stop.” Maya groans and starts to walk away from Carina.

Carina laughs happily as skips as she tries to catch up to Maya.

Maya gets the sandwiches out of the tiny fridge that she has in her bunk. “So, not to get too serious but how are you doing?” She is referring to Carina’s emotions about Andrew.

Carina shrugs as Maya comes back into the office. “I’m better than yesterday. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about mi fratello. But I slept surprisingly well.” Carina knows that’s because Maya was sleeping next to her. “And so, I feel better today. My head is clearer. Yesterday was such a mess. I still haven’t heard from Andrea, but I don’t expect to. As scary as that is.”

“Do you think he would do anything to harm himself?” Maya says. She knows it’s not an easy think to think about, but she feels like she has to ask. She has to know what they are dealing with here.

“No.” Carina shakes her head. Her body sags.

“Oh, come here.” Maya pulls her into a one armed hug. Sandwiches occupying her right hand. “I didn’t mean to upset you or put that thought in your head.”

“I know. It’s still hard to think about. I don’t think he would do anything intentionally. But I guess he is reckless and an accident or something could happen.” Carina worries her lips between her teeth.

Maya nods. “Let’s sit.”

Carina brings her chair around to the back side of Maya’s desk, so they are sitting next to each other. “Is this alright?”

Maya nods as she sets out their sandwiches on her desktop. “More than.” She takes Carina’s hand and gives it a quick squeeze before letting it go, so she can pick up her sandwich.

Carina lays her palm on Maya’s thigh as they eat. Silence envelops them as they focus on their food. A few looks are shared now and then but it’s comfortable.

Travis walks in on them sitting there eating. “Cap, I just wanted to-“ He stops when he sees the pair. “Oh, sorry.” He smirks. Travis isn’t sorry.

Maya stiffens at the interruption, at Travis seeing them together. But then Carina squeezes her thigh, and she relaxes. “What is it, Montgomery?”

“We’ve finished cleaning up the trucks and equipment. And everyone has had a chance to eat lunch.”

Maya nods. Briefly, Maya remembers the handprint she just left on the front of the engine. She’ll have to go wipe that off after Carina has left.

They had a call this morning and she made them clean and shine everything when they returned. Maya always feels better when she’s doing something, so she put them to work rather than sitting around and thinking about Rigo. She figures they need something to focus on, just like she does. “Thank you.”

Travis stands there for a moment.

“Is there something else?” Maya asks. He can leave now if he doesn’t have anything else to report.

Travis looks between the two of them. He smiles at Carina. “No, that was all.”

“Okay, thanks again.”

Travis nods and turns to leave. He wonders if he should keep this to himself or if he should tell someone else. The private part of him knows he shouldn’t say anything to anybody else though. But he finds it very interesting that he’s seen the same woman, Carina, in Maya’s office more than once in the last few weeks. He can’t keep the smile off of his face as he thinks about it.

Chapter 7

Notes:

another chapter so soon? i know. it's been raining the last few days so i've had some 'free time'. don't get used to it lol.

TW: vomit

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Her team doesn’t like that she’s brought Diane in to talk to them. She knew they wouldn’t, but Maya felt like she needed to do something, anything. This is what she came up with.

She goes to sit outside at a picnic table to do her work. She’s far enough away to give everyone their privacy but close enough if anyone needs her or if there is a call.

 

But she’s dreaded this part. And somehow Maya thought that maybe because she was captain, she didn’t have to talk with Diane about how she is dealing with Rigo’s death.

Maya is beating herself up over having put Jack and Rigo together that day. She tells Diane that she is a horrible person for only caring about how Rigo’s death reflects on her. Eyes forward is the rule that was drilled into her by her dad. She admits she thinks about dying and how it soothes her.

“When I’m anxious I think about dying. And then I can fall asleep.” Maya tells Diane. The sentence sticks in head though. She doesn’t know the last time she was anxious and thought about dying when she couldn’t fall asleep. Actually, she knows. It was sometime before she met Carina.

“Eyes forward all the time is exhausting. I’m exhausted.” Maya sighs.

Diane nods at Maya. “Who taught you eyes forward?”

“My father.”

“Have you considered the possibility that he was wrong?”

Maya stares at Diane, defiant. Her father couldn’t have been wrong. He taught her everything she knows about life. He taught her how to train and work hard. He taught her how to set a goal and achieve it. He taught her everything she had ever needed to know.

“Maya. Isn’t it possible with everything else you’ve accomplished that you could learn to let yourself rest, and sleep, and love, in this life instead of waiting for death to set you free?”

Maya just stares at her for a minute before picking up her papers and tapping them against the desktop. “You can go now.” She dismisses Diane.

“I’ll do that. But, Maya, just think about what I said.” Diane encourages.

Maya turns her back to Diane. “Thanks for coming in today to talk with my crew.”

“You’re welcome. Call me anytime.” She means that. If she can help the team with anything then she is willing to.

She waits until she hears the door close and knows that Diane is gone before turning around and flopping down in her desk chair feeling more exhausted now than she did before Diane came in here.

After shift, Maya goes home and sleep until her next shift. She doesn’t get up early and go for a run. She doesn’t shower. She doesn’t eat. Just sleep.

She wakes up feeling groggy even though she just slept for like 11 hours straight. Maya looks at her phone. There is a missed call from Carina. She ignores it and gets ready to go back to work.

Her mind tortures her thinking about what Diane said over and over as she gets ready to go to the station. She wishes she had gotten up early and gone for a run to help clear her mind. Though, Maya knows that part of her would still be thinking about it.

Her father can’t be wrong. Could he? His methods were productive. They worked. She won a gold medal. She became a firefighter. All because of her discipline and training. Because of the self-control she has. Because of a strict regime of diet and exercise. He couldn’t be wrong. Those are all good things.

She gets to the station and focuses on paperwork. Her stomach grumbles and she knows she should eat but Maya doesn’t have much of an appetite lately. She knows she should eat even though she isn’t hungry. She needs to keep her strength up. She needs to eat to avoid losing muscle mass. She needs to eat to keep a clear head. She knows how important it is to eat. Her father drilled that into her as well. He was just strict on what she could and couldn’t eat.

So, she doesn’t eat. Now that she thinks about it the last thing she ate was her sandwich with Carina. Maya thinks about looking at her phone but avoids that too. She thinks about calling her dad and asking him to have a training session with her to help her focus again. She’s lost her focus lately with everything that’s going on. It’s starting to bother her and get under her skin that she’s let it happen. She’s lost focus and discipline.

Maya works on paperwork until the have a call. When they come back, she finishes up her paperwork from the call and all their other calls. She runs out of paperwork. Maya looks around the room for something to do.

The gym. She changes out of her uniform and heads to the gym and hops on the treadmill. Maya pushes herself to set a new best time for a five mile run. She pushes and pushes but comes up short by fifteen seconds.

Maya gets off of the treadmill and grabs a towel angrily. She rubs it down her face before throwing it on the floor in frustration.

Dean comes in, ready to lift weights. He saw the towel being thrown down. “Everything alright, Captain?”

Maya clenches her jaw and glares over at him.

He raises his hands in innocence. “Okay. Sorry I asked. I’m just going to lift weights, if that’s alright.”

“It’s fine.” She grumbles and hops on the stationary bike. She starts pedaling and Maya focuses in on her ‘bike ride’. She sets a quick pace. Quicker than her usual biking pace but since she didn’t get her running personal record beat, she’s determined to set a new record pace on the bike.

The problem with that is that about halfway through her fifteen miles she starts to feel fatigued. Maya is used to fatigued. She can push through it and get a second wind. All athletes know how to do that. So, she pushes through it, but her pace has started to suffer. Maya goes to stand to bike standing up, getting a little extra push when she starts to feel lightheaded. That too Maya knows how to push through. Except that she can’t see anything all of a sudden. She blinks trying to clear her vision.

“Maya?” Dean questions, alarm in his voice.

That’s the last thing Maya hears.


When she wakes up Andy and Vic are hovering over her. There is a blood pressure cuff attached to her right arm and Travis is checking her pulse. She blinks her eyes, trying to focus. She recognizes that she is in the station gym but has no idea what happened. One minute she was riding the bike and now this.

“I’m fine.” Maya goes to sit up, but that lightheaded feeling comes back and she lays back down. “Okay, maybe not.” She feels nauseous but swallows that down.

“Maya, you passed out. You’re not fine.” Andy says with concern in her voice.

It’s nice to hear that Andy is concerned for her.

“You’re going to the hospital.” Vic says.

“Noooo.” Maya groans. “I just need to eat something. Maybe lay down for a while. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t think so.” Dean says. “I was here. You hit your head on the wall.”

So that’s why her head hurts.

“You’re going to the hospital.” Andy says firmly. “We won’t hear anything else about it.” She tells Maya what’s going to happen.

Maya huffs and folds her arms over her chest. “Can you get this thing off of me?” She wiggles her arm with the blood pressure cuff.

Travis unwraps it from her arm and removes it.

“Who’s coming with me?”

“I will.” Andy volunteers.

“No.” Maya frowns. Even though her head hurts she’s not mentally out of it. “I need you to stay here. Be in charge.” Maya thinks about who she can take with her that won’t ask so many questions or judge her. “Travis.” She knows he’ll be the perfect options. “You’re coming with me.”

“Me?” Travis wonders in awe.

Everyone looks at Maya in bewilderment.

“Yes, let’s go.” Maya sits up again, slower this time. “Woah, okay.” Her head pounds. “I might need help.” She admits. Dean and Travis grabs Maya under the arms and hoist her to her feet. Another wave of nausea overcomes her but Maya closes her eyes, breathing in and out slowly, controlling it. “Okay.” She gives them permission to help her out to the truck. They get her in the passenger’s seat and Travis gets in the driver’s seat.

“Ready?”

Maya groans. “Yes.” This is going to be torture. “Go slow. Don’t hit any potholes. My head is killing me.”

Travis grips the steering wheel tightly, white knuckled. It’s silent as he drives and it’s driving him crazy. “Why’d you pick me?”

“Cuz you wouldn’t ask too many questions. So don’t ask too many questions.” Maya grits out. “Are we almost there?” She has her eyes closed because the ride isn’t helping with the nausea.

“Just a few more blocks.”

“Good.” Maya’s stomach churns.

Travis pulls up and parks the station truck outside the ambulance bay at the hospital. As soon as he comes to a stop the passenger’s side door flings open and Maya bends over, throwing up on the pavement.

Travis grimaces as he gets out of driver’s side. He goes around, avoiding the stomach bile on the ground. He notices that there’s nothing else in the contents. He’s a trained paramedic so he asks. “When was the last time you ate?”

Maya groans. “What did I say about asking questions? Just get me inside.” She slips her arm over Travis’ shoulders as she gets out of the truck, and he guides her into the hospital.

Travis sits Maya down in a chair and goes over to the front desk. “Hi, I’m Travis Montgomery.” He points at his name tag and smiles brightly. “I’m here with my Captain. She had a fall and needs to be looked at. Can we get her into a room?” He knows that Maya will get special treatment at the hospital because she’s a Seattle firefighter, not just a firefighter, but a captain.

“And maybe page Doctor Bailey.” He adds and looks back to Maya. She has her eyes closed and her head back. Travis knows Maya won’t admit that she’s in pain but just by looking at her as she tries to hold it in and embrace it, he knows she is.

“Okay.” The nurse is already on the phone. She makes a call quickly. “Come with me.”

Travis goes to get Maya and the follow the nurse to a room.

“Okay, just wait here. Someone will be with you in a little bit. Doctor Bailey is in surgery right now but has been notified that you are here.”

“You called Bailey?” Maya groans. Her stupid connections to this hospital are maybe more aggravation than she needs. But she knows if the hospital didn’t contact her, she knows Ben would have sent at least a text message to his wife by now.

Travis stands at the side of Maya’s bed as Maya lays down.

“Is there anyone else we should call?” The nurse asks.

Travis raises an eyebrow at that. He knows it’s not his place. “Maya?” He questions her though.

“What?” She grumbles at Travis.

“Do you want her to call Carina?”

Maya closes her eyes as she settles into the bed. “If you must.”

“Call Carina DeLuca.” Travis tells the nurse.

The nurse raises an eyebrow at that. “I thought she had a fall. Is she pregnant?”

Maya laughs at that. It makes her headaches ten times worse but God it’s hilarious.

Travis smirks. “No, but you better call or page her. She’d be upset if she doesn’t know that Maya is here.” And Travis doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of that. Or accused of not notifying Carina.

“He’s right. Page her.” Maya adds.

“Okay. Anything else I can get you?”

“Some pain meds for my head?” Maya asks.

“Sorry, not til after you’ve been checked out and something has been prescribed.”

Maya frowns. She knew it was a long shot. The nurse exits and Travis takes up residence in the only chair in the room.

After about fifteen minutes, Schmitt comes in. “Hi, I’m Doctor Schmitt. He looks over Maya’s chart that the nurse has put together for him. “I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then check you out.” He tells Maya, finally looking up at her.

“Do what you have to do.” Maya grumbles. She grumpy now that she is here in the hospital and missing part of her shift at the station.

Schmitt looks over at Travis. “Are you-“

“He’s staying.” Maya cuts Schmitt’s question off.

“You know that’s not protocol.”

“You know I’m in a private room because I’m a fire captain.” Maya tells him that this isn’t exactly protocol either.

“Right.” He claps his hands together. “So, what happened?” He starts with his questions. Schmitt asks Maya all of the necessary questions and then does any exam but doesn’t find anything concerning. “I think you just have a mild concussion and not eating explains why you passed out. Maybe you should set reminders in your phone to eat or something. Does this happen often?” It’s a dumb question. Schmitt knows it is after it leaves his mouth.

Maya glares at him.

“Okay, okay. I’m just going to get Dr. Shepard to come down and look at you to make sure I didn’t miss anything. What, with you being a fire captain and all.”

Maya groans. “Can I at least get something for my headache?”

“Not until Dr. Shepard sees you but I will get it ready for afterwards.” With that Levi turns to leave the room. He throws Travis a look before he slips out of the room.

“He’s cute.” Travis comments.

“Don’t even think about it.” Maya warns him. “Aren’t you with Dixon Jr?”

Travis gags. “Don’t call him that. Wait, you know about that?” He’s shocked.

“I know about everything. I’m your captain.”

Travis doubts Maya knows about everything.

They are both expecting the next person to come through the door to be Dr. Shepard. Instead, what happens next is a slew of Italian and a bit frantic Carina scurrying through the door.

“Cosa e successo?”

Maya glances between Carina and Travis.

“She fell off the stationary bike.” Travis supplies the answer.

“Do you speak Italian?” Maya asks him.

Travis shrugs. It was just a guess as to what Carina asked. Travis was just reading her body language. “No. I’ll shut up now.”

“Hi, Travis.” Carina gives him a small smile as she sees that Maya isn’t bleeding or bandaged or in considerable pain. All she was told was that Maya was in the pit.

Travis can’t help but grin back. He really likes what he’s seen of Carina.

“I’m guessing you are the one who brought Maya in.”

Travis nods. “At her request, actually. Apparently, I’m the one who won’t ask so many questions.” He uses finger quotes around the last three words.

Carina chuckles and shakes her head. “Thank you, Travis.” She says and takes Maya’s hand in hers. “What happened?” She asks Maya again.

“It was stupid. I was stupid.” Maya berates herself.

“Non sei stupido.” Carina tells her gently though she doesn’t know what happened and can’t actually judge if Maya was stupid or not.

Amelia enters the room. “Okay, sounds like we’ve got a VIP patient in here.” She looks up and spots Carina standing at Maya’s bedside. The pregnant neurosurgeon smirks at the pair. “Dr. DeLuca, fancy seeing you here.”

“Hi, Amelia.” She blushes a little.

“So, this is your firefighter you’ve been talking about.” Amelia teases. Carina ducks her chin to her chest. Amelia winks at Maya. “So, you hit your head. Dr. Schmitt said he didn’t see any sign of brain injury or trauma but wanted me to make sure since you are one of Seattle’s finest firefighters.” Amelia starts her exam. “So, what were you doing? Rescuing women and children from a burning building.”

“It’s far less heroic than that.”

Amelia raises an eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

“Apparently, I feel off the stationary bike.” Maya finally reveals what happened.

“What? Bella. How?”

Maya wishes she could just avoid all of this. “I told you it was stupid. Can we not talk about it?”

Travis watches the couple interact from his comfy chair. He thinks about speaking up.

“No.” Carina gives Maya a bit of a pointed look.

Maya sighs. “Fine. I was- I was- trying to get out some frustration. I was pushing myself. Usually that’s not a problem, but I guess I hadn’t had anything to eat for a while.”

“Dio mio, bella. How long?”

The guilty look on Maya’s face is more telling than maybe her words. “Since you were at the station the other day for lunch.”

Travis’ eyes widen. “That was two days ago.” His shock is enough for the whole room

This is why Maya wanted Travis to come with. He’s the one who walked in on them the other day at lunch.

“Si.” Carina nods, agreeing with Travis. “Why, bambina? You need to eat.”

“I know.” Maya sighs. “I’ve just. You know I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.”

“Si. I know. But that’s no excuse. Especially with your job. Maya, you have to take care of yourself. You need to eat and rest and just take care of yourself.” Carina brings Maya’s hand that she is holding up to her lips and kisses the back of it.

Carina’s words remind Maya of Diane’s words about sleeping and resting and loving in this life. She looks up at Carina with big blue pleading eyes, willing her to understand.

“So, I don’t see any signs of brain damage.” Amelia jokes. “Just a mild concussion, a bump on the head, and a headache. You should be monitored for tonight and maybe take a week or two off of work until the headaches and concussion symptoms go away.”

“Really?” Maya hates the idea of taking off of work.

Amelia shrugs. “The concussion symptoms could be gone in a few days. But, Maya, it sounds like you need a break. You need to eat and rest. Just as a whole. It sounds like your body is exhausted. If you passed out that’s your body telling you it needs a break. It could be more than just not having anything to eat. Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”

“Si.” Carina answers for her.

Amelia smirks. “Okay. What I’m going to suggest is rest and a few days off. It’s up to you if you want to extend that but Maya stress and exhaustion are terrible for your body and tend to have cumulative effects.”

“Okay, I’ll take the next two shifts off.” Maya agrees. That’s all she’s willing to agree to right now. She doesn’t want to look like a poor captain for taking time off. She would push through this and not take any time of if it weren’t for Amelia standing there telling her that she needed to in front of Carina and Travis. She can’t get away with it because of the witnesses in the room.

“Now, I don’t have anything else for you. Just takes some ibuprofen for the headache. No phone or reading. You can watch tv but not for long periods of time tonight. Do you have someone to stay with you tonight?”

“Why?” Maya asks. “I thought you said I was fine.”

Amelia grins. She can see the stubbornness in Maya that Carina has mentioned. “You are. But just to make sure.”

“Bella?” Carina doesn’t want to presume.

“Carina will stay with me.”

Amelia laughs. “Wow.” She shakes her head and turns to leave. “You can go as soon as Bailey comes in to check on you.”

Maya groans and shifts in the bed. She’s antsy and just wants to get out of here.

“What’s wrong?”

“Does the whole hospital have to know that I’m here?” Maya whines.

Travis chuckles from his chair. “Is Captain Bishop a big baby when she is sick?”

“I’m not sick.” Maya folds her arms over her chest. “You know what? Go back to work Travis.”

Travis gets out of his chair with a frown. “But I was having so much fun here.” He jokes.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Thank you, Travis.” She concedes. “I do appreciate it.”

“Sure thing, Cap.” He salutes her before turning to Carina. “I know you’ll take good care of our captain.”

Carina just smiles and nods.

“What should I tell the team?” Travis says as he approaches the door. He turns to face Maya.

“That I’m fine.”

Travis smiles. “That’s what I thought.” He nods at Maya. “Feel better.” And with that he is gone.

Carina rounds the bed and takes the chair Travis was sitting in. She pulls it up close to Maya’s bed and sits at her side. They don’t talk. Carina’s eyes scan Maya up and down, watching her, assessing her, worrying about her.

“What?” Maya asks after a few minutes. She can feel something hanging in the air. Something that Carina wants to say.

“When I got paged- when they told me you were here- like as a patient- I think my heart stopped for a moment. It was scary. I was scared. I thought maybe something bad happened. I mean, I know your job can be dangerous.”

Maya scoffs. “I’m hardly ever in danger now that I’m captain. I don’t run into burning buildings anymore. I don’t do search and rescue. I just coordinate everything from the sideline.”

“But still. You could.

“I suppose if it were four or five alarms and we were the last station to arrive and I wouldn’t be in charge. I would be just another firefighter at that point.” Maya thinks it all through. She wonders if her job is going to be a problem for Carina. The danger of it. She hasn’t thought about that until now.

Carina nods, thinking as much. She finds Maya’s hand, holding it, finding comfort in the gesture.

Maya can see that Carina is struggling. “I’m sorry.” Carina shakes her head. “I didn’t want to put any more of my crap on you.”

“So, you didn’t eat and passed out and ended up here instead?” Carina tries not to sound angry or like she’s scolding Maya but she knows she does a little bit.

“Well, no. I didn’t do that on purpose.” Maya frowns. She realizes how bad this looks now. “If you don’t want to stay with me I can have Vic or Andy do it. I just thought-“

“What Maya? Why would you think I wouldn’t want to?” Carina nearly jumps out of her seat in frustration.

Maya shrugs. “Because you’ve go so much going on with Andrew. And now I’m just dumping more of my crap on you. How is Andrew, by the way?”

Carina shrugs and sighs. It’s good to change the subject maybe. That way so won’t be more upset with Maya and snap at her. But she doesn’t want to have to talk about Andrea either. “All I’ve heard from him in the last two days is a text message saying that he was fine.”

“Oh.” Maya bites her lower lip nervously. “I’m sorry I scared you. I know I need to eat. Actually, can I ask a favor.”

Carina raises an eyebrow.

“Can you get me something to eat? I’m starving.”

Carina thinks of something. She sticks her hand in her white lab coat. “Here.” She pulls out a chocolate bar.

Maya laughs. “Do you just walk around with a candy bar in your coat all the time?”

“Si.” Carina opens the chocolate bar and holds it out for Maya to take. “In case anyone gets low blood sugar. Sometimes it’s all day between meals for me. I need a little boost to get me through that sometimes.”

Maya smiles dopily at Carina. She’s just the most thoughtful, adorable person that Maya has ever met. She takes a bite of the chocolate bar.

“We’ll stop and get something more substantial on the way home.” Carina says not really paying attention to her words.

Maya is paying attention though. She knows Carina probably doesn’t mean anything by it, but the word home sticks in Maya’s mind. She tries to focus on something else. Maya looks Carina over for the first time since she’s been here. Like really looks at her and what she’s wearing. “You’ve seen me in my uniform multiple times now, but I’ve never seen you in your work attire until now.”

The mood in the room shifts. Carina grins. “And?”

“It’s cute. The pink.” Maya smirks. “And the white coat. Very professional and official.”

“Gotta look the part right.”

“So do you have to go back to work or-?”

“No, bella, I’m staying with you.”

“Okay.” Maya says dumbfounded and finishes her chocolate bar. She’s glad that Carina hasn’t questioned her further about what happened. She doesn’t want to have to explain what she was doing. She doesn’t want to have to say that she was avoiding Carina and avoiding eating and focusing on the wrong things. Maya just got so caught up in what Diane said about her dad. And she wanted to prove Diane wrong but, in the end, probably ended up doing the opposite. That phrase comes back around in her brain.

Maybe you could learn to sleep and rest and love in this life.

And now she’s literally being prescribed rest. She gazes at Carina as those words play over and over in her mind.


Maya takes the next two shifts off. She feels better an goes back to work for a week before deciding that maybe everybody is right. That she has too much stress.

Things have calmed down some over the last few days. Maya feels more normal, except for the continued stress and anxiety. So, she makes a decision and invites Carina over for dinner.

Maya finds out that things with Andrew are stable, for the moment, with him in therapy. So after a bottle of wine and time spent in front of the fire where they explore each other’s bodies for what feels like the first time in a long time, Maya works up the courage to ask Carina to take some time off and go on vacation.

Maya is at home with her clipboard. She has a list of all the things they need for their vacation. She also has a list of all the things she wants done at the station while she is gone. She’s just waiting for Carina to come over before they go to the station and then leave for their vacation.

Maya paces the room as she looks over her list. “We need to go down to the station. I need to post this list on the bulletin board.”

“We?”

“Well, you don’t have to come with if you don’t want to but-“

“You want me to come with you.” Carina finishes for her with a smirk. “Of course, I’ll come for you.”

Maya groans. “You’re trouble. You know that, right?”

“Si.” Carina grins widely.

“Let’s go.” Maya has the clipboard in one hand. The other reaches out for Carina’s. She looks down at their hands as Carina grips hers. “Is this okay?” She second guesses herself.

“Si, bella.” Carina squeezes her hand.

Maya nods. More to herself than anything. She doesn’t want to say anything but today she is willingly bringing Carina with her to the station and going to open up to her to everyone a little about her and Carina. They aren’t just going to be hold up in her office.

The team is up in the beanery when they arrive. Maya doesn’t let go of Carina’s hand as they enter the room. “Hey, guys.” The crew have been on better terms as of late and are working well together again.

“Who’s this?” Hughes asks.

“That’s the Italian I was telling you about.” Travis whispers to her.

“I still can’t believe you took time off.” Andy shakes her head. “But now I see why.” She nods at the connected hands.

Maya has to look down at the floor. “Okay, look. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this-“

“But it is a big deal.” Andy comments.

“But I’m going to be gone for a week and I have a list of things that I want done while I’m gone.” She holds the clipboard out to Andy. “I want you to make sure this all gets taken care of.”

“Yes, Captain.” Andy winks. “But I think you are forgetting something.” Andy pretends to look over the list.

“Let me see.” Maya tries to take the clipboard back, but Andy holds it out of her reach.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Andy smirks.

“Oh.” Maya looks over at Carina. “I guess some of you might have seen her around before, but this is Dr. DeLuca.”

Vic groans. “So formal, Bishop.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Fine. This is Carina.” She leaves it at that. The words girlfriend floats through Maya’s mind. Now is not the best time to be thinking about that word for the first time but it’s just dawned on Maya that that is basically what Carina is. They are going on vacation together. That’s something couples do. Maya frowns.

“What’s going on with you, Bishop?” Vic notices her awkwardness.

“Carina, this is the entire team.” Maya moves on. “Except Gibson, where is he?”

“Oh, too bad he’s missing this. You know he would have something terribly inappropriate to say.” Miller mumbles to Travis. Travis raises his eyebrows.

“He’s seen Carina before. He knows who she is.” Maya tries to brush the comment off.

“Does he?” Travis mumbles. He isn’t sure if Gibson would put all the pieces together and come up with the right answer.

Maya chews on her lip and shrugs.

Carina slips her hand out of Maya’s. Maya feels the loss immediately. That is until that hand is on the small of her back. “Should we sit?” She guides Maya to the table.

They sit and chat with the team for a little bit before Maya’s anxiety about the trip gets the better of her and she’s bouncing her leg and itching to get out of the station and go. She has to finish packing and they have to get to the airport.

Chapter 8

Notes:

Hello again.

Vacation time.

NSFW x 2

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Maya is pacing the room. Stressed out about what they are going to do on their vacation. She knows she shouldn’t be stressed. That’s the whole point of going on vacation. That was the whole point of her going on vacation because she has too much stress going on right now. But she can’t help it.

She knows Carina is in the bathroom, doing what, she doesn’t know. She takes the opportunity to call the station. She just needs something to occupy her mind. The whole thing about doing nothing on vacation isn’t exactly Maya’s thing. She has a very hard time just doing nothing. If she can get the quarterly numbers from the station, then she’ll have something to do.

But Travis won’t give her the numbers and actually berates her for thinking about work when she’s got a gorgeous Italian woman that she could be spending every minute with.

Carina comes out of the bathroom and Maya knows she does but doesn’t recognize her until she speaks, too busy thinking about work yet.

She finally turns to Carina and sees her in her swimsuit and towel and remembers she was supposed to be getting ready to go to the pool. Maya sighs. She’s messing this vacation up already. But it doesn’t take much convincing to get Maya to get ready and Carina kisses her.

“Okay, okay, okay. Screw the station.”

Carina walks Maya backwards until her calves hit the mattress.

“Mmm, Carina.” Maya moans as she pushed backwards onto the bed. “What about-“ There are lips on her neck. “-the- the-“

Carina stops, sucks on Maya’s pulse point before pulling away from her.

“What about the what?” She is amused at Maya’s loss for words.

Maya’s eyes roam the Italian’s face before sinking lower to the skin exposed by the swimwear. It’s not like Maya hasn’t seen it all before but every time she gets to view that gorgeous tan skin of Carina’s her mind just goes blank for a little bit.

“Maya?” Carina caresses her arm. “Earth to Maya.”

“Hmm.” Maya shakes her head.

“You were saying something.” Carina raises her eyebrows at Maya.

“The pool.” Maya mumbles.

Carina laughs. “After this.” She leans back in for a slow kiss. She takes her time shifting the kiss, deepening it. Carina brings her hand up to the side of Maya’s face, tilting the blonde’s head. “You have way too many clothes on, bella.” She giggles into the kiss.

The snaps on Maya’s button down shirt make it really easy to remove. Maya reaches for either side of the shirt and pulls it open. She grins as Carina laughs and looks down at her chest. “Dio mio, bambina.” While Carina is distracted, Maya takes the opportunity to put her hands on her hips and roll them over, so that she is perched above Carina.

She sits back on her heels and pulls the shirt the rest of the way off. She rakes her eyes over the body beneath her. “You’re absolutely stunning.” She purrs and licks her lips.

Travis’ words ring in her ears. Go sex up that gorgeous Italian woman of yours.

Maya takes it to heart. She fingers the strings on the sides of Carina’s swimsuit bottoms and pulls them loose.

“Maya.” Carina moans her name as she squirms, more than ready for Maya to pay some careful attention to her.

Maya bends and presses a kiss to the side of Carina’s jaw and then finds her lips. Carina grabs her by the back of the head, kissing her hard. It’s takes Maya a few minutes but eventually Carina lets go of her grip on the back of Maya’s head. She slips down, pressing her lips to the side of Carina’s neck before licking at the dip at the base of her throat where her collarbone is. She licks down the center of Carina’s chest all the way to her belly button.

“What are you doing?” Carina moans.

Maya smiles against the skin that covers Carina’s ribs. She presses a kiss to each rib on her left side and then does the same to the ribs on the right before moving up slightly to take Carina’s nipple in her mouth, sucking.

Carina gasps and her hands clamp down on Maya’s shoulders.

Maya pulls the nipple and releases it with a pop. “I’m memorizing your body with my lips. It’s important work.”

Carina laughs. “Dio mio.”

Maya pays attention to Carina’s left nipple before pressing a quick peck over where Carina’s heart is. Maya slips down the bed, her fingers hooking in Carina’s swimsuit bottoms and pulling them down and off of Carina’s legs altogether. Her lips find a hipbone, pressing a kiss there and then moving to the other side. As she goes across, Maya drags her tongue along the skin, before finding the other hipbone and sucking at it, hard.

Carina’s hands are in Maya’s hair now. Broken English smattered with Italian whispered in moans from her lips.

“I need you, Maya.”

Maya hears that sentence loud and clear. She can smell Carina’s arousal; eager, herself, to get a taste. She wastes no more time. Maya lays flat on the mattress and shifts Carina’s left leg over her shoulder giving herself better access. She takes the first swipe through Carina’s folds. Carina squirms and tries to wiggle away. Maya knows she’s super sensitive then. She looks up and Carina has her head back, her eyes squeezed shut.

“Hey.”

Carina looks down at Maya between her legs. A glorious sight.

“Hold my hand.” Maya says and offers up her hand, setting it on Carina’s right hip. Carina latches onto the hand and Maya smiles up at her before diving in. Carina’s other hand still in Maya’s hair, holding on.

Maya pulls a high pitched whine from Carina when she sucks on that little bundle of nerves. She flicks her tongue over the spot a few times before lapping through Carina folds again. Her tongue slipping into the Italian before swirling around.

Carina tries to clamp down around Maya’s head, but Maya holds onto the leg that she over her shoulder. “Not yet.” She says against the inside of Carina’s thigh, pressing her lips to the spot. She goes back to focus her attention on the woman’s clit. Licking, and then sucking, before blowing air over the swollen area.

“Maya.” Carina starts to shake a little, desperate for release.

“Shhhh.” Maya takes the bud into her mouth sucking and flicking her tongue over it until Carina’s back is arching off the bed and legs are tight around her ears. Maya only able to her Carina’s muffled moans as she comes.

Carina relaxes, her hand brushing lazily through Maya’s hair. Maya laying there with her head resting on Carina’s left thigh.

“We should go to the pool.” Carina mumbles after a few minutes.

“Do we have to?” Maya whines.

“Si.”

“Can’t we just stay here and have sex all day?” Maya suggests.

“While that might be fun. Vacation is about more than just sex. Plus, I want to work on my tan.”

“Fine.” Maya frowns. She’s not going to deny Carina a chance to sit by the pool.

“I’m going to need few more minutes to recover though.” Carina smirks.

Maya bites her lower lip and pushes herself up onto her elbows before crawling up Carina’s body and kissing her. Carina moans into the kiss. “Do you need anything?” Maya asks softly.

“A glass of water maybe. Do we have any snacks? A granola bar or something.”

Maya gets up. “You didn’t bring any chocolate bars with you?” She winks at the Italian.

“I, unfortunately, did not.”


After Todd leaves, Maya suggests a swim while they are waiting for Carina’s fries and mozzarella sticks.

“Do I have to?” Carina whines.

“Yes.” Maya pulls her up out of her chair by her hands. “Come on.”

“Noooo. Maya.”

Maya puts Carina’s hand on her hips, holding them there as she walks backwards. “Come on. Just a quick little dip.”

“Fine.” Carina rolls her head to the side. “But as soon as she comes over with my food I’m getting out.”

“Deal.” Maya grins. She turns and holds onto Carina’s hands still as Carina walks behind her over to the pool stairs.

Though Carina doesn’t want to go in the pool, she is more than happy of the view she gets of Maya as they walk to the pool. The curves of her hips, her backside, those stronger shoulders have Carina licking her lips. The firefighter is absolutely built, and Carina absolutely loves that. Though she thinks if Maya weren’t strong and didn’t have muscles, she thinks she’d probably like her just as much. It’s really just a bonus. Carina loves Maya stronger tough exterior only because she gets to see her gentle soft interior.

Maya steps down into the water and holds her hand up for Carina to take and step in. “Grazie, bella.”

Maya just grins and nods. She tugs Carina into a little deeper water. She dips down until the water covers everything below her shoulders and then encourages Carina to do the same with a simple nod of the head.

Carina shakes her head with a playful smile. Maya is going to have to try harder than that in order to get her hair wet.

Maya tilts her head to the side. “Oh really?”

Carina nods.

Maya smirks. She jerks forward and wraps her arms around Carina’s waist, pulling her down into the water. Carina laughs as she and Maya dunk under the surface for a moment before coming back up. She wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulders. Maya spins them around slowly, pulling their bodies together. Carina takes the opportunity her wrap her legs around Maya’s waist. For her part, Maya stands there holding them strong, upright, though the water helps to distribute the weight.

Carina scratches her fingers lightly against the back of Maya’s neck. “Bacami.” She whispers for only Maya to hear.

Maya swallows thickly. She can feel the eyes of the people around them on her. She’s not big on PDA but- but here is Carina again making her think that things don’t always have to be one way. Showing her that there isn’t a strict set of rules for life. And it contradicts everything Maya has been taught and learned. She looks around them and she’s right, a few people are watching.

“Bella.” Carina gets her attention again. “Just focus on me.”

Maya nods. Her eyes flick around Carina’s face. From her eyes to her lips. She glances over her nose and back to her lips before leaning in as a soft smile tugs the corner of her lips upwards. Maya’s nose rubs against Carina’s as she slowly connects their lips. Carina’s legs squeeze tighter around her when Maya deepens the kiss.

Any older lady clears her throat a few feet away from them. Carina looks over and gives her an apologetic smile. She unclasps her legs from around Maya and stands on her own two feet. Her arms stay around Maya’s neck though.

They move around in the water for a little bit, never letting go of the other. A hand on an arm, or around the waist, or on a shoulder. Never too far away.

The waitress comes back with Carina’s food and their drinks and Carina swims over to the edge of the pool with speed that Maya didn’t know she had. When she reaches the edge, she puts her hands up on the concrete and pushes herself up and out of the water in one fluid movement. Maya stands there watching, she swallows thickly, before licking her lips. Her throat suddenly dry. She definitely needs that drink that the waitress brought. Maya goes over to the pools stairs and climbs them before taking her place on her lounge chair again and picking up her drink.

“Where do you put all that?” She teases. It still amazes Maya how much Carina can eat and stay so skinny.

“It’s my Italian metabolism. I’ve told you that before.” Carina dunks a mozzarella stick into a little cup of pizza sauce before bringing to her lips, moaning as she takes a bite. “Plus I think I burned quite a few calories back in the room.”

Maya laughs.


Carina pulls Maya by the hand after Maya shuts the door to their room.

“What are we-“ Maya mumbles.

Carina pulls her into the bathroom. “We need to get the chlorine off.” That’s just her excuse. But seeing Maya outperform that douche guy in pushups was super hot. And then Maya pulled her into the pool and Carina had a hard time not making a show in front of all the other resort guests. If she hadn’t just ordered food, then she would have just dragged Maya back to the room then and there. She turns on the shower and waits a moment for it to warm up. She steps inside, pulling Maya with her.

“Oh.” Maya smirks.

Carina is on a mission. She pulls down the zipper on Maya one piece and pushes the fabric off of the firefighter’s shoulders, freeing her breasts from the fabric. “This swimsuit looks great on you but-“

Maya moans as Carina takes her breasts in her hands. “But my boobs have been suffocating in there.”

Carina giggles. “Well, then I’m glad I can be of assistance.” She rubs her thumbs over Maya’s nipples and Maya tilts her head back in pleasure.

Maya reaches up and grabs Carina’s face, pulling her in for a much needed kiss. Carina takes the opportunity to push Maya’s swimsuit down further, rolling it over her hips. “Mmm, you’re so sexy.” Carina moans into Maya’s mouth.

Maya stops and pulls back. “Really?”

Carina furrows her brow. “Yeah, really. Maya, what do you mean?”

Maya shrugs. “I just- I never really think of myself as- sexy.”

“Well, you are.” Carina leans in for a kiss. “So, so sexy.” She runs her palms down Maya’s chest, over her stomach and finds her hips, pulling Maya into her. She dips her tongue into Maya’s mouth, rolling it around Maya’s before pinching Maya’s lower lip between her teeth and pulling it out before releasing it with a pop.

They rock back and forth under the stream of warm water for a while trading little nips and kisses. Carina’s right hand slips from Maya’s hip. She takes a step forward forcing Maya to take a step back, her back presses up against the cold tile which produces a hiss from the blonde. Carina smirks at the reaction. It’s just what she wanted. She reaches down, her fingertips ghosting over Maya’s skin as she does so. She feels a shiver run through Maya. “That tickles.” She husks.

Carina grins. “Does this tickle?” She cups her hand between Maya’s legs before applying a little pressure with her fingers and dragging her hand forward.

“N-no.” Maya stutters.

Despite the water from the shower, Carina can tell just how wet Maya is. It’s a different kind of wet all together. There’s no better feeling, well maybe there is, than knowing she can get Maya this way, than knowing that Maya needs and wants her this much.

As she circles two fingers around Maya’s clit, Maya reaches up and grabs onto Carina’s shoulders, her legs shaky and weak.

“I’ve got you.” Carina whispers, meaning it in more than one way. She would happily hold and support Maya through this and everything else in life.

Maya closes her eyes and presses her forehead to the inside of her right arm.

Carina slips two fingers into Maya, her thumb stroking over her clit. Maya shifts on her feet and Carina forgoes the penetration for just clitoral stimulation, rubbing her fingertips in rapid circles. Maya leans into her, practically hanging from her shoulders. The blonde lets out a loud groan as her orgasm courses through her.

Maya moans and rolls her head from her arm to Carina’s shoulder. “Car-ina.” She stutters out, her voice shaky as she tries to catch her breath.

Carina takes the shower soap and rubs it over Maya’s back as Maya clings to her. She ducks Maya under the water to rinse her back off after it’s all lathered up. “Tilt your head back.”

Maya slowly opens her eyes and rolls her head around on her shoulders. “I’ve never-“ She tries to find her voice.

“Had shower sex?”

Maya shakes her head. “No, no. I have. I just I’ve never- that was really-“

“Amazing.” Carina smirks.

Maya nods and surges forward to kiss Carina. “More than amazing. I don’t know what the word for that is though.”

Carina laughs. “Can I wash your hair?” She asks, feeling slightly nervous. It seems like such an intimate thing, and she doesn’t know how Maya is going to reaction to that. But Maya just kisses her and nods. “Can you turn around?” She’s not sure if Maya can stand by herself yet.

Maya turns and Carina grabs the shampoo. She rubs it in her hands before bringing her hands up to Maya’s head. She scratches the shampoo against Maya’s scalp receiving a moan in reply. “Feel good?”

“Can you always wash my hair?”

Carina laughs and shakes her head. She has Maya rinse her long blonde locks before Carina puts conditioner in and runs her fingers meticulously through the wet strand of hair, getting all the snarls out. She’s really enjoying this. Yes, the sex is great. Yes, they get along well. Yes, there is a bond between them. But this, in the shower, is something else. Something intimate. Something sacred. Something that no one else can see or touch or feel. It’s just them, in their own little intimate bubble. Where nothing else matters. There aren’t any issues or problems or distractions. It’s perfect.

“Can I do you now?” Maya asks, over eager, and spins around to face Carina.

The question breaks Carina from her thoughts. She raises an eyebrow at Maya.

“Not like that. Your hair.” Maya twirls her fingers in some of Carina’s wet dark hair. “I love-“ She stops.

“You what?”

“I love your hair.” Maya looks away from the intense brown eyes that are staring her down. “It always looks so effortlessly beautiful.”

With a finger on Maya’s jaw, Carina brings her back so she can look her in the eyes. “It’s not always so effortless.” She has a small playful smile on her lips. She saves Maya from her own embarrassment. “Will you wash my hair, bella?”

“I don’t know if I can reach the top of your head.” She groans at Carina being a few inches taller than she is.

“What if I kneel?” Before Maya can answer, Carina is on her knees in front of her. She looks up at Maya with soft, tender eyes. She reaches out. Maya’s swimsuit still sort of around her hips and thighs. She pulls it down the rest of the way. Maya puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder and steps out of it completely. They never break eye contact. Carina then runs her palms up the back of Maya’s calves before running them back down softly. “Maya?” She questions. Maya nods and reaches for the shampoo before lathering up on the top of Carina’s head. She scrapes at her scalp lightly. Carina sighs and rocks forward on her knees.

“Stand up. I can’t reach the ends.”

Carina stands and turns around so Maya can get the ends of her hair. “That feels real good, bambina.”

Maya’s fingers shift from her hair to the string on Carina’s swimsuit tops and tugs it loose. The gasp she gets from Carina is worth it. She reaches up and slips the straps off of Carina’s shoulders before pressing a kiss to her left shoulder.

Carina feels the water start to turn colder. “Maya. Conditioner. Now.”

Maya fumbles with the bottle.

“Nevermind.” The water is too cold now. Carina shuts it off. “Out.” She points for Maya to get out.

Maya pouts. “But?”

“No. Out.” Carina puts a hand on Maya’s lower back to get her going.

They dry off, put on robes, and head out to the other room. Carina runs the brush through her hair before throwing her hair over her right side. She holds the brush out to Maya.

Maya stands at the end of the bed and runs the brush through her own hair. Carina lays back on the bed and watches Maya.

“I’m sorry the water got cold.”

“That’s not your fault.” Carina smirks. “We just took too long. Actually, I think, in the future, maybe we should just skip the water all together. Skip the showering together if we can’t keep it to just showering. It’s a huge waste of water.”

Maya hums. “True.”

“And I know I can’t keep my hands off of you so-“ Carina smirks. “Vieni qua.” She holds her hand out for Maya.

Maya puts one knee on the bed and then the other before crawling over Carina and sitting astride her hips. Carina runs her hands up and down Maya’s sides coaxing Maya to leans down and kiss her.

“I think I could just kiss you forever.” Maya mumbles.

“Just kiss?”

“Well, you know, if it leads to other things that’s not bad either.”

Carina laughs and connects her lips with Maya’s again.

Maya’s phone beeps in the distance. “Ignore it.” Carina mumbles into their kiss.

And Maya does. She ignores it the second time it goes off, and then the third, but it’s bugging her. If she is getting multiple messages than something must be serious.

“Don’t even think about it.” Carina knows Maya is thinking about looking at the phone though. “Bacami, bella, bacami.”

Maya tries to focus solely on that and for a few minutes she is successful. The phone doesn’t go off again for a while and Maya forgets about it. That is until it buzzes again, and she reaches out for it, much to Carina’s displeasure.

Maya is hyperventilating. Carina gets her to sit down on the bed and kneels in front of her.

“Look at me. Your eyes only need to be on me.”

She hears Carina say the words but can’t focus.

“No, no, no, no. No eyes forward.”

Maya recoils and pulls back, trying to get away from Carina. She knows she told Carina about eyes forward and how her dad drilled that into her and how that helped her focus in the past but now. Now, that’s the last thing she wants to hear. She also doesn’t want an image of her father in her head right now. Maya tries to get away from her.

But then Carina’s hands are on her face, holding her there, helping her focus. “No eyes forward. Eyes only on me.”

She locks eyes with those gentle brown ones that she’s come to love so much.

“Good. Breathe.” Carina takes a deep breath in, and Maya follows the action with her own, slightly shakily breath in. Carina lets out her breath. “Good.” She whispers as Maya lets out her breath too.

“In.” Carina breathes in again and then out.

“One more.” Carina breathes in with Maya. “And out.”

They breath normally, but in sync, as Carina’s eyes stay locked on Maya. Her thumbs stroke over Maya’s cheeks. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” She leans up and presses a kiss to Maya’s forehead.

Maya closes her eyes as she comes back to reality and the embarrassment sets in.

“Maya?”

“Yeah.” She peeks her eyes open and looks at Carina cautiously.

“Has that ever happened before?”

“Not with- not that bad, but yeah I think so.”

“Okay.” Carina stands up and releases Maya’s face.

“Where are you going?” Maya whimpers. She feels like she might fall apart again if Carina goes away.

“Just over here, bella. I’m getting us some water.” She pours two glasses of ice water from the pitcher and brings them over to Maya. “Here.” She holds a glass out to Maya.

Maya’s hand shakes as she reaches for the glass. Carina doesn’t let her take the glass as she sees the shaky hand. “Here.” She sits down at Maya’s side, holding the glass and having Maya wrap her hand around her own hand around the glass.

Maya takes a shaky drink, but it helps. She swallows and lets out a long breath. “I’m not a baby.”

“I know you’re not.” Carina takes Maya’s glass and takes a drink from it, forgetting that she has her own glass in her other hand. “I know, Maya.”

Maya nods. They sit there for a while just breathing and drinking water.

Carina gets up and sets the glasses on the table. “Let’s lay down.” She suggests and crawls up on the bed. Maya scoots back and lays down, staring up at the ceiling stoic, cold, unflinching. Carina wraps herself around Maya.

She’s worried about Maya. Panic attacks are a serious thing. She worries about the stress Maya is under and the stress Maya puts herself under. She knows the blonde is super hard and critical of herself. She’s also figured that’s because of Maya’s father always pushing her to be the best at whatever she is doing, whether that is running track or being the fire captain. That’s a lot of pressure and expectation to put on one person, on oneself. Carina thinks this panic attack is probably a result of everything coming to a head and blubbing over.

She lays there with Maya for a while. She would be worried about Maya not saying anything and just staring up at the ceiling but as soon as she shifts so she can see Maya’s face Maya’s eyes flick to hers. She smiles tenderly for the blonde. Maya doesn’t smile back but she blinks, and she knows Maya is in there, and that she’s alright and that she’s just trying to wrap her head around all of this.

“You’re alright.” Carina whispers. It’s not a question.

Maya nods, coming back to herself more.

Carina runs her hand over the side of Maya’s head, stroking her fingers through her hair when she gets down past her ear. She tucks her other hand inside the collar of Maya’s robe, placing her palm on her collarbone for skin to skin contact. She feels Maya relax finally. It’s accompanied by a sigh from the blonde. Maya’s arm wraps around Carina’s back loosely.

“Oh, Maya.” She coos and kisses Maya’s cheek.

Maya has calmed down. They lay in bed, Carina with her leg thrown over Maya as she lays on her side and twirls Maya’s hair in her fingers. “You are the captain, but you don’t have to be in captain mode all the time.”

“I’m not in captain mode all the time.” Maya sighs. She hates that she just had a panic attack. And in front of Carina. She wonders if Carina thinks differently of her because of it.

“No, but you got that text and went right into captain mode.” Carina lifts her eyes from looking at Maya’s hair to catch her eyes.

“I can’t help it.” Maya rolls her eyes. “I’m ruining this vacation, aren’t I?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s ruined. You had a small burp.” Carina grins, knowingly.

Maya laughs. “Hiccup.”

“Si, hiccup.”

“You just did that to get me to laugh.”

“Maybe.” Carina wiggles her eyebrows. “But it worked.”

Maya sucks her bottom lip up between her teeth. “I just want to prove myself as captain. Now that it’s more settled.” Carina nods. Maya thinks of something. “I’m the captain now.” She puffs up her chest.

Carina narrows her eyes at Maya. “You are.”

“No, no, no. I’m the captain now.” Maya sighs when Carina doesn’t get it. “It’s from that movie with Tom Hanks when the pirates take over the ship.”

Carina shakes her head. “Never heard of it.”

Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows. “What? Okay, we need to start having movie nights. What other movies haven’t you heard of?”

Carina giggles. “Well, if I haven’t heard of them how will I know.”

“I’m serious. Weekly movie night. When you and I aren’t both working.”

“Like date night?” Carina raises an eyebrow.

Maya frowns. “If you want to call it that.” She was opposed to dates or dating or whatever when her and Carina started sleeping together but now- now things are different. Maya wants things to be different. To be proper. There something inside of Maya that makes her feel like Carina deserves the right, proper things in a relationship.

Carina laughs. “I don’t think we’ve ever been on a proper date.”

“You’re right about that.” Maya flops back down onto the mattress. “There is just always this expected pressure on a date. I never liked that. How you have to be prim and proper and fake.”

Carina pats at Maya’s chest. “Don’t worry. I won’t make you go on a date with me if you don’t want to. I hate fake. I don’t want fake from you.”

Maya hums and stares at the ceiling. “Though it would be cool to take you to a fancy restaurant and walk in with you on my arm and show you off.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” Maya nods. “I have thought about it.” Maya admits, a little sheepishly. “Would you want to do that? Or would you want something more lowkey?”

Carina licks her lips. She likes that Maya wants to show her off. She doesn’t like that other people would be looking though. “Lowkey.”

Maya nods, committing that to memory. “So, no getting all dressed up and going to an expensive restaurant. Got it.” She glances over at Carina. That feeling in Maya’s chest that resides there now becomes clearer every day. More defined. More pronounced. It’s the scariest thing she’s ever felt. But at the same time, it’s the best feeling she’s ever felt. “Dr. DeLuca?”

Carina hums.

“Will you go to dinner with me tonight?”

Carina laughs and kisses Maya. “Si, bella.”

Maya is supposed to be getting ready for dinner. She is rummaging through her luggage. “I don’t know if I have anything that is appropriate for this dinner. Maybe I should have thought of this beforehand.” She groans and runs her hands through her hair.

“I don’t know what to wear.” Maya complains. “Will you help me?”

Carina slinks out of the bathroom and comes up to Maya’s side. “Hmm.” She hums and looks over the options Maya has laid out.

Maya looks at the options for a moment, but her eyes shift to Carina. Carina has changed and is wearing a long flowy white dress. “Holy crap.” Maya mumbles. She turns and takes Carina’s hands in hers, holding them out to her sides, so she can get a good look at the dress on her. “You are an absolute goddess.”

Carina blushes and ducks her head. “So, you like it?”

Maya hums. “I love it.” She grunts out a frustrated breath. “I’m going to look like a slouch next to you. Maybe we should cancel dinner.” She lets Carina’s hands drop to her sides.

“Bella, you won’t look like a so called slouch. You will look amazing in whatever you choose to wear.” Carina encourages her. “You’re just indecisive. Will you let me pick?”

“Yes.” Maya frowns. “Please do.”

“Okay.” Carina goes through Maya’s clothes. “How about this?” She grabs a loose light blue top. “With this?” She takes Maya’s black skinny jeans.

“Won’t I be too hot?” Maya whines, worried about the long jeans.

Carina chuckles. “You’ll be fine. The restaurant is air conditioned. But yes, you will look very hot in that outfit.”

Maya can’t help the small smile that slips across her lips. She looks at the outfit that Carina has handed her. It is a good outfit, probably not what she would have chosen though.

Carina can see that Maya is having reservations about the outfit. “What?”

“Nothing.” Maya takes a deep breath. “I’m never very good at picking outfits. I usually just wearing work out clothes or like sweatshirts and t-shirts with jeans. Now I have to have my girlfriend pick out my clothes for me cuz I’m such an idiot when it comes to this sort of stuff.”

Carina runs her finger down the sleeve of Maya’s robe with a big grin. She didn’t miss that Maya used the word girlfriend. She doesn’t bring it up though. She doesn’t even think Maya knows she said it. “I’ve noticed. That’s your style.” She quite likes Maya’s simple style.

“And maybe a jacket.” Maya is still focused on the clothes. She definitely didn’t notice what she said.

“I wouldn’t recommend a jacket in this weather. Seattle, yes. Here, no.”

“No, I agree. I was just saying.”

“Maya, don’t worry about it so much. I think you get in your head too much sometimes. Your style is great. You always look great. So, what if you don’t go out to dinner or anything a little more fancy and don’t know what to wear. That’s fine. Listen, I don’t care. You could wear a trash bag to dinner, and I would be fine with it. Remember what I was saying before.”

Maya nods. “Lowkey.”

“Si.” She kisses Maya. “Now, get changed so we’re not late.”

Maya smirks. She likes it when Carina bosses her around. “Can you do that for me too?”

Carina raises an eyebrow. “Then we will definitely be late.”

Maya shrugs. Carina laughs. “Get dressed.” She points a finger at Maya.

Notes:

there was more to this 'chapter' but it got to be too long. so maybe i'll post that in a couple of days.

Chapter 9

Notes:

hello and thanks to anyone who left a comment or kudos.

here's the 'second' part to the last chapter. just to wrap up the vacation. and there's a little teasing from Andy and Amelia. and a little 'scene' at the end back at the park.

Enjoy.

Chapter Text

The alarm on Carina’s phone blares, waking her up. She shuts it off with a yawn. She looks at the time. They have to be to the airport in an hour.

One hour.

The alarm that Carina set was an emergency alarm. A just in case alarm to make sure that they hadn’t forgot the time and how much time they had left to get to the airport. Carina fully anticipated that Maya would have been awake long before, maybe even hours. She knows the anxiety would have probably gotten to her and that Maya would want to make sure she was well prepared to leave to go to the airport. So, when Carina looks at the time and then the blonde, she’s astonished.

“MAYA!” She yells and jumps out of bed.

“What?” Maya groans from her side of the bed. There’s no need for Carina to be yelling at such an early morning hour.

“Get up.” Carina pulls the blanket off of Maya and the cool room air makes goosebumps form on Maya’s bare skin. “We’re going to be late.”

“For what? Breakfast?” Maya rolls onto her back and yawns. She stretches her arms and legs out, content, happy, relaxed.

Carina stops and watches her for a moment. At first, just taking in the sight of the naked woman on the bed but then things click into place.

“For the plane.”

“What? No.” Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows. “It’s early yet.” She looks around the room for a clock but there isn’t one on any of the walls.

“No, Maya. You overslept.”

“Me?” Maya scrunches up her face. “I don’t sleep in. What about you?” She doesn’t believe it’s as late as Carina claims it is.

“My emergency alarm went off. Get up.” She tugs on Maya’s ankle. “And for the love of God, put some clothes on. We have to pack and go.”

Maya watches as Carina buttons her pants, having gotten dressed as they were talking, and then hurries into the bathroom. She comes out a second later with all their items from the bathroom and throws them into her suitcase. Maya furrows her brow together. She looks around the room once more before spotting her phone. She gets up and takes it from the table. “Holy shit.” The panic sets in.

“I told you.”

Maya paces the room for a second.

“Clothes first, then pack.” Carina instructs. For someone who is a fire captain, Carina sure has to tell Maya a lot of what to do in this sudden chaotic situation.

“I don’t sleep in.” Maya mumbles as she pulls a shirt over her head. “I don’t know what happened. I should have been up and have gotten showered and had breakfast and brought something back for you and woke you up and packed.” Maya starts shoving clothes into her suitcase, none of it folded or arranged. She closes the top and it doesn’t shut easily. She has to press down on it to pull the zipper closed.

“I know, Maya. I know.” Carina mumbles. They are both in their own little world as the grab up everything from the room.

Maya nearly runs to the front desk in front of Carina to checkout. Thankfully, it doesn’t take more than five minutes. They get in the cab and are on the way to the airport.

Maya sits forward in the back seat, on the edge of her seat. Her hands gripping the headrest of the seat in front of her. “I hope we don’t hit traffic.” She whispers as she looks out the window.

Carina hears it and rubs her hand over Maya’s back. There’s nothing they can do now. They probably should have left the resort about a half hour ago. Carina knows that they should be fine and not miss their plane but if there any unexpected encounters then they might be in trouble.

“I don’t know how this happened.” Maya turns her head to the left to look back at Carina. “I should have wrote an itinerary for this morning. I had one when we left Seattle. I should have thought about making one for going back.” She sighs and looks forwards again, out the front window.

“It’ll be okay.” Carina continues to rub her back. “Try to relax.”

Maya’s whole body stiffens. Carina even feels her muscles tense under her hand. “That’s the problem.” It dawns on Maya. “I was relaxed. Too relaxed.”

To rest and sleep and love in this life.

Carina reaches up and puts her hand on Maya’s shoulder. “Sit back.” She whispers sweetly. “There’s nothing you can do now. And sure, maybe we could’ve been more prepared, but we weren’t. It’s on me too, ya know?” She doesn’t get a reply from the blonde. “Maya, it’s out of your hands now. The driver will get us to the airport. We will check our bags and go through security. And we will make it on the plane in time.”

Maya slumps back in the seat. “You don’t know that.” She folds her arms over her chest.

“Oh, come on. Are you going to be all grumpy on me now?” She gives Maya a teasing smile.

“No.” Maya pouts.

Carina giggles and presses a kiss to her cheek. “If we miss our plane than we will just get on the next one to Seattle.” It’s not that big of a deal. She knows there will be other flights yet today.

“That costs more money. And what if they are all full?” Maya worries.

Carina slips her arm around Maya’s shoulders, leaning in to put her mouth right next to Maya’s ear. “Don’t worry about it, bambina. The what ifs. And don’t worry about the moneys.”

Maya shivers involuntarily with Carina wrapped around her, whispering in her ear. And Carina has started using a different word during this trip instead of, or in addition to, bella. Maya knows what it means this time though. She’s heard Carina use it in reference to babies. She closes her eyes and tries to let Carina’s words calm her.

“We should be there in twenty minutes, ladies.” The cab driver informs them.

“Thank you.” Carina says with a smile to the man through the rear view mirror.

“How do you feel?” Carina asks and rest her head on Maya’s shoulder. They are sitting in their seats on the plane waiting for takeoff. She wants to check in with her after their frantic morning. Carina smiles as she thinks back over everything. It will be a funny story they can tell one day, but she’s hoping that all the progress that Maya made over the last five days isn’t erased because of this morning. She could tell that Maya was really truly enjoying herself. That she had relaxed after a stressful start to their vacation.

Maya thinks about it. Now that the anxiety of making it for their flight is over Maya can relax again. For the first time in a long time, she feels relaxed as a whole. Not just for a few minutes or hours or a day.  “I think vacation helped. I feel relaxed I think for the first time since before I was made captain.”

Carina hums. “Good.”

“And it’s crazy that I’m even going to say this but-“ She chuckles. “I don’t want to go back to work.”

Carina raise her head from Maya’s shoulder and looks at her. “Really?”

Maya shrugs. It’s not that she doesn’t want to go back to work. Not really. It’s complicated. “If I could just spend everyday on vacation with you, I think I would instead of going back to work. But maybe I’ll feel different once I get back to work. Maybe it won’t be so stressful now and I can enjoy work again.”

“I hope so, bella.” Carina lays her head back on Maya’s shoulder and wraps her hands around Maya’s hand.


“Just good?” Andy questions her. She knows her friend isn’t revealing all.

“Well, I mean it was pretty good.” Maya smiles a little. There was the panic attack so that wasn’t good, but she doesn’t know if she can say it was a great vacation. She was so stressed at the beginning, but it turned out to be pretty good and she got some rest and relaxed and doesn’t feel as stressed and exhausted as before. So that’s all good.

“Pretty good. Maya, you don’t do vacations. And you went on a vacation with your girlfriend, and it was just ‘pretty good’.”

“She’s not-“

“Yes, she is.” Andy nearly shouts. “Just admit it.

“Fine.” Maya rolls her eyes. “She’s my girlfriend.”

“Did you ask her to be your girlfriend?” Andy grins, ready to hear the details of how Maya asked.

“No.” Maya shakes her head.

“Wait.” The grin is wiped from Andy’s face as stares at Maya, not believing it. “You didn’t even ask her yet.”

“She knows.” Maya waves it off.

“Are you sure?” Andy puts a hand on Maya’s shoulder. “Cuz in my experience you need to be clear with the people in your lives. The people you love.”

Maya’s eyes bulge out at the L word.

“Oh my god, Maya. You need to tell her.”

“She knows.”

“That you love her?” Andy ventures.

Maya frowns. “Well, maybe not about that. But she knows she’s my girlfriend. We didn’t talk about it, but we just are. That’s the best thing. The greatest thing about her. We just are. It’s not difficult or complicated. We’re just together. It seems so simple and dumb when I say it but God, I’ve never felt like this. I feel safe and protected and taking care of and honored and cherished, valued, appreciated. Seen. I feel like- like-“ Maya shakes her head with a goofy smile. “And I want to do all those things for her. To protect her and take care of her and value her and honor her and do anything that I can to make her happy. She deserves so much happiness. Her broth-“ Maya clamps up at that. She looks over at Andy to see if she caught the almost slip up. “She deserves all the good things in life, and I want to give them to her. Oh my god, I sound crazy.” Maya takes a step backwards, trying to reel her feelings in. She backs up until her back hits the side of the fire engine.

Andy chuckles. “You sound in love.”

Maya groans.

“Maya, make sure she knows. Make sure she knows she’s your girlfriend. If you want to appreciate and honor her you need to make sure she knows. And I’m glad you had a great vacation. I’m sure it was filled with lots of amazing lady sex. If the dopey, satisfied look on your face is anything to go by.” Andy laughs at the scandalized look that Maya is sporting. “You think you don’t convey your emotions, but Maya they are always written all over your face. You’re not very good at keeping a neutral face.”

A call over the speaker saves Maya from anymore embarrassment from her friend.

“Let’s go, dopey. Duty calls.” Andy smacks Maya on the arm before running off.


Carina is in her office at the hospital when there is a knock on the door. “Come in.”

“Well, there you are.” Amelia says loudly as she enters the room.

“Ciao, Amelia.”

“So, did you hear?” Amelia says of her Braxton Hicks.

“I read your file, si.” Carina looks Amelia up and down. “How are you feeling?”

Amelia rubs a hand over her pregnant belly. “Bloated, sore, nothing I can’t handle.” She tilts her head to the side. “How was the sex?”

Carina shakes her head. “I think you mean, how was the vacation? But it was good.”

Amelia laughs and flops down on the couch in Carina’s office. “It better have been cuz I was here freaking out about having contractions and going into labor without you.”

Carina gives her a tight-lipped smile. “Sorry. Next time I’ll schedule my vacation around your labor.”

“Next time. Ha.” Amelia doubts there’ll be a next time. There shouldn’t have been a this time, but here she is pregnant, about to give birth at any moment. “But you are going to be here, right?” Amelia worries now, serious again. She doesn’t want to have to have another doctor helping her through her labor. They have a plan, and that plan is for Carina to be there. “You don’t have any more surprise vacations planned?”

Carina smirks. “No.”

“Good.” Amelia nods once. “Good.” She stares down at the floor as she thinks about giving birth.

“You okay?” Carina sees the far away look on Amelia’s face.

Amelia looks up and nods. “I wish I could go on vacation right now.” She rubs her hand over her belly again.

Carina laughs.

“Tell me all the details. Did you ever leave the room?”

Carina shakes her head. “Si, we did. We went to the pool and laid in the sun. Maya actually got a little bit of a tan. She’s so white. We went on an adventure in town one day. We went to a wooded area and spent the afternoon between the trees. We did lots.”

Amelia laughs.

“We went to dinner most nights. It was lovely. I had a wonderful time. Very relaxing. And I got Maya to relax. She’s been so stressed out lately. So, it was nice.” She’s very coy about her the details of her vacation.

“Nice. You’re funny.” Amelia shakes her head. “I’ve got the orgasm doctor here and she won’t tell me about her amazing vacation sex.”

“Vacation isn’t all about sex.”

“No, but that’s a big part of it, right?”

Carina shakes her head. “No.”

“Oh, come on. I’m suffering here.” Amelia groans.

“You and Link aren’t-” Carina raises her eyebrows.

“No, he won’t touch me since the Braxton Hicks started. He thinks I’m fragile or something.” Amelia complains.

Carina hums. “Sorry to hear that.” She drums her fingers on her desktop. And then looks down at them, thinking of Maya. Slowly, a smirk pulls at her lips.

Amelia sees this and groans. “You’re thinking about her, aren’t you?”

Carina shrugs, guilty. “Sorry. Maya is just-“ She moans. “So amazing.”

Amelia raises an eyebrow in surprise. She didn’t think that was what was going to come out of Carina’s mouth. That it would have been something about how great the sex is or what she’s done with those fingers she’s just staring at.

“I know she doesn’t think she is. But she is. She’s amazing and wonderful. And not just about sex. Like all together. She’s so generous and caring. With everything with Andrea, she took time out of her hectic stressful busy schedule to come over and to make sure I was alright. No one has ever done that for me. No one. I’m always taking care of everyone else, it seems. Not even taking care of myself. But Maya- no one has ever done that for me. It just feels good. Amazing. Ya know?”

Amelia nods. “Your girlfriend sounds pretty amazing. Rough around the edges maybe, but it sounds like she’s got a soft spot for you.”

Carina grins wide. “Si, she does.” Carina’s phone buzzes in top of her desk and she leans forward to look at it. Her grin only grows wider when she sees that it’s a message from Maya. It’s a long message. Not something that she usually gets from Maya. Usually, their texts are short and to the point.

She opens the message and starts reading it. She furrows her brow as she gets through the words.

“What is it?” Amelia asks.

“It’s from Maya.”

Amelia raises and eyebrow and leans forward on the couch. “Good or bad?”

“Hold on.” Carina is just about finished reading the long rambling message.

I just thought I’d send you a message. We are on our way to a call. And I just have to tell you this before that because Andy said I had to. Well, and because I feel like I have to too. I just want you to know that I think of you as my girlfriend. And we just went on vacation together and that’s what couples do. I know I should say all this in person but it can’t wait. I feel like you probably feel the same way. I mean I don’t know for sure. You could feel a different way about it but I want you to be my girlfriend and I want to be your girlfriend. So what do you say?

It’s Maya rambling in text form and it’s just as cute as Maya’s rambling in person.

Yes. Carina sends back. She knows Maya’s probably not going to get the message until after she’s finished with the call, but she smiles as she thinks about Maya’s face when she reads the simple one word reply.

“What’s going on?”

Carina sets her phone down. “Just Maya being Maya.” She shakes her head.

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, ya know, she just basically asked me to be her girlfriend in a long rambling text.”

Amelia laughs. “Really? I thought you two were together.”

Carina shrugs. “We are. I guess nothing was said or discussed or official until now though.”

Amelia laughs again. “Ridiculous.”

“I know we are. It just feels so natural with her. It felt like we were a couple, together, girlfriends from the beginning. You Americans and your silly labels.”

Amelia nods. She hates putting labels on things and putting everything into little boxes too.

“I don’t know. Maya just feels different.”

“Do you love her?” Amelia braves the question.

“I think I do.” Carina sighs.

There’s a simple smile from the neurosurgeon. “Then there you go.” Amelia pushes herself up from the couch with a grunt. “I have a surgery in a little bit. I’ll see you later. Or whenever this baby decides it’s ready to make an appearance.”

“Bye, Amelia.” She gives her friend a small wave and sits back in her chair thinking about Maya.


They meet at the park where they met up to watch the sunset. Carina suggested it. She said she wanted to see Maya before the day was over. And Maya had a short shift today, so it all worked out.

She teases Maya a little about the girlfriend thing.

“So, I got this text message today. Someone wants to be my girlfriend.” She raises an eyebrow at Maya.

“Shut up and watch the sunset with me.” Maya grumbles but takes Carina’s hand and holds it in her lap.

“Of course I’ll be your girlfriend.” She rubs her nose against Maya’s shoulder.

“I said shut up.” Maya mumbles. It’s quiet for a moment. “I’ve never had a girlfriend before.” She admits. “Sure, there were girls but nobody I was serious about or with or whatever.” She shrugs.

Carina grins like an idiot and leans into Maya’s side. She loves Maya’s little admission but needs to change the subject. Carina also knows Maya is telling her this and basically saying don’t make a big deal out of it, so she doesn’t. “Are we recreating our first date?”

“First date?”

Carina rolls her eyes. “Fine not our first date, but I think about it sort of being like our first date. But are we going to have sesso in your car again?” She’s excited about the prospect.

Maya furrows her brow and glances at Carina quickly before looking at the sunset again. Sesso.

“No.” Maya says resolutely.

“No?” Carina pouts.

Maya shakes her head. She looks straight out over the water. “You deserve so much more than cheap car sex.”

Carina hums. “Nothing is cheap with you, bella.”

“Even so.” Maya shrugs. “Unless there’s a rush- I thought we could go back to my place and have a glass of wine and just see what happens.”

Carina laughs lightly. She tucks Maya’s hair behind her ear, exposing it. “Whatever you want, bella.” She breathes into Maya’s ear, her lips brushing against it lightly.

Maya shifts as Carina’s lips tickle her ear. She shrugs. “Watch the sunset.” She instructs.

Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder and watching the sunset. They sit quietly as the sun sets. It’s as beautiful and amazing as the first time. Better this time than last time, Carina thinks. She knows. She knows it’s because of how her relationship with Maya has grown since that time.

“Let’s go home.” Maya says quietly after the sun had dipped past the horizon. She gets to her feet.

Home.

Carina wonders about that word and what it actually means. Home. It’s not about a physical structure to her. She’s lived a lot of places and they were technically her ‘home’. Sure, home is a place. Or it can be a place. But Carina thinks it’s more of a feeling than anything else.

“Let’s go home.” Carina whispers and takes Maya’s hands and Maya pulls her to her feet.

Chapter 10

Notes:

thanks again for all comments and kudos and for reading.

we start with the storage locker building fire, captain hererra's death, carina finding out about Dr. Webber, her worrying about Andrew, amelia giving birth, and the effect the fire/hererra's death has on maya.

Enjoy.

Chapter Text

She knows. Maya knows. She knows she shouldn’t let him do this. She knows she should stop him somehow. She tried. First, Sullivan ran in there against protocol and now this.

They argued about it, but Maya also knew that she was never going to win that argument. Never in a million years. Andy’s in there. Maya gets it. She gets it all, but she shouldn’t let him do this. She knows that.

Maya stands there at the bottom of the ladder as she watches Pruitt Herrera struggle to climb higher. As she watches him knowing that he is facing an almost certain death if he steps foot on that roof. She knows the risks and the danger.

He’s her mentor. A father figure. Her best friend’s dad. He’s the Captain of 19.

Maya watches him pull the axe from his side and start swinging it over his head. She wonders if she would be brave enough to do what Pruitt is doing right now. The team is in there. He’s trying to save the entire team. Would Maya do the same thing to save the entire team? If there was no one else around, would she do that?

She takes a deep breath. Ben comes over the radio with an update on his patient.

“Cap- Captain Herrera’s on the roof.” Her voice shakes with the words. Her eyes are glued to him, to the roof, as Pruitt swings the axe with everything that he’s got left in his sick body.

And then, he’s gone. Just like that.

Maya calls out over the radio but doesn’t get a response from Captain Herrera.

Numb, paralyzed. Maya stands there. She calls for a response team to recover the body knowing that he couldn’t have survived, knowing that she just stood there and watched Captain Herrera fall to his death. She just stood there. She had to stand there. She is in charge. The team flashed through her mind for a second. Andy. What Pruitt told her to tell Andy. Her stomach churns. She feels the bile at the back of her throat but swallows it down.

Vaguely, out of the corner of her eye she sees the team start to stumble out of the building one by one. Maya should feel relief, but she doesn’t. She looks over and the entire team is staring at her. The look on Sullivan’s face is the worst when he realizes right away what happened. It seems to take everyone a little longer as the confusion clears and reality sets in.

Maya bows her head and closes her eyes. It’s too painful to look at them. Too painful to look at Andy.

The fact that Maya feels pain instead of numb, that’s something. But in this moment, she’d rather feel numb. This is too much. She turns around and sits on the bottom step of the ladder, her head in her hands.

She thinks back to Rigo. That was only a few weeks ago. But this isn’t Rigo, this is worse. Way worse.


There’s a weak knock on Carina’s office door. “Yes.” She doesn’t look up from her paperwork.

Amelia pops her head around the edge of the door frame. “Mmm, Dr. DeLuca.” She whispers.

Carina looks up and narrow her eyes at Amelia’s head being the only thing she can see of the small brunette. Usually, Amelia just walks into the room so it’s odd for her to be hovering at the door. She’s not even hovering. Most of her isn’t even in sight. Carina isn’t sure what to say. “What is happening?”

“Uhh, well-“ Amelia steps into the doorway. “Apparently, my water broke.”

“Oh.” Carina pops up from her chair. “What are you doing here? You should be down in maternity.”

“I just thought I would go for a quick stroll.” Amelia smirks. “Ya know, before I have to be confined to a bed to push this thing out.”

Carina comes over and puts a hand on Amelia’s shoulder. “Let’s get you a wheelchair.”

“No. No. No.” Amelia shakes her head. “I can walk.” A contraction hits and she doubles over in pain.

Carina puts a hand on her back. “Okay. Breathe.” She takes a deep breath in. “In.” And she lets it out, hoping that Amelia is following her breathing. “Out.” She sighs. Amelia nods. “Good. Slowly, in and out. The contraction will pass.” She breathes in and out with Amelia for a minute before Amelia stands straight again, a hand on her hip.

“Maybe I’ll take that wheelchair now.” Amelia chuckles. “I know I’m Superwoman but maybe I’m not so super right now.”

“Okay. Okay.” Carina helps Amelia walk down the hall with a hand on her back. They find a wheelchair at the end of the hall near the elevator. Carina opens it up and Amelia flops down in it as Carina hits the elevator button.

Bailey comes into the room, getting everyone’s attention, looking for Link. She explains about a surgery that she needs Link to do. Then she reveals it’s Richard that needs the hip removed and replaced and that it’s cobalt toxicity.

It’s good to know that they found out what was wrong with Richard and that he has a diagnosis and can be treated. Carina wonders why it took so long to come to a diagnosis but also knows that these medical mysteries are often difficult to figure out.

Carina leaves to go check on other patients and get something to eat. She knows it will likely be hours before Amelia gives birth. She needs to be fueled up and ready to go.

“Did you hear about Dr. Webber?”

Carina looks over that the man standing next to her. His eager, happy smile is infectious.

She smiles in return. “I did, Dr. Schmitt. It’s very good news that they found out what was wrong.” Carina nods.

He puts a hand on Carina’s back as his passes by behind her. “What your brother did was amazing?” He’s gone.

“Andrea?” She mumbles as she looks in the direction of where Schmitt ran off to. She has no idea why he was even on this ward to begin with. The man always seems to just be popping up out of nowhere in the most random of places.

Carina looks around. She needs more information. She locks the tablet in her hand and walks off to find someone that will have more information. A thought of Amelia goes through her mind for a brief second, but she knows she has time.

She goes to the places where she knows her friends usually are in their down time but can’t find anyone, she knows that would have credible information. She goes to the surgery board and sees that Owen is in surgery. And so is everyone else it seems.

But then she spots Meredith down at the end of the hallway. Meredith is waiting to hear about Richard’s surgery, keeping herself occupied with work until she hears from someone about how it went. Carina hesitates. She’s not on the best terms with Meredith with everything that’s happening with Andrea. But she needs to know so she approaches the doctor.

“Dr. Grey.” She catches her attention.

Carina stuffs her hands into the pockets on her pink scrubs. “I heard there was a diagnosis with Dr. Webber.”

Grey nods. “There was. Andrew actually. He figured it out. They are in there now removing the old hip and putting a new one in.”

Carina nods. “How is he?”

“Dr. Webber should make a full recovery.” Grey looks donw at the tablet in her hands, preoccupied.

“No. Andrea.” Carina twists back and forth anxiously in front of Meredith Grey.

Meredith hums. “Well.” She looks at Carina thoughtfully.

“He won’t talk to me. I think he thinks I’m going to accuse him of being like papa again. But he’s not. I mean-“ Carina looks away from a moment, collecting her thoughts. “They have the same disease, but he’s not the same.”

“No.” Meredith agrees. She knows both men and knows what Carina says is true. “They are very different.”

“Si.” Carina nods.

“Andrew is-“ Meredith grimaces. “He seems to be hanging in there. I’m worried about him though. He needs treatment.”

“I know.” Carina sighs.

“The hardest part with this kind of thing is often getting the patient to see that they need help, that they need treatment.”

Carina scowls. She doesn’t like that Meredith referred to her baby brother as ‘the patient’.  “I know.” She repeats.

“He’s brilliant. So brilliant. His brain is so brilliant, and he will be an exceptional doctor if he gets the help he needs and can manage his illness. But I know he can. It’s just getting to that point.”

Carina just nods.

“He saved Richard’s life today.” Meredith reaches out and puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder. “I’m sorry he doesn’t want to talk with you right now. Just give him time.”

That’s the thing Carina is worried about. Time. How much time can pass before things change? How much time can go by with him in this state before something bad happens?

“Keep an eye on him for me.” Carina tells her.

“Don’t worry. I will.” Meredith nods and removes her hand from Carina’s arm.

“Thank you. I better get going.” She smiles about why she has to get going. “Amelia is in labor.”

Meredith smiles too. “I know. I was there when her water broke. Go bring my future niece or nephew into the world.”

Carina nods and spins on her heels with a happy smile.


It’s the end of a long day. Carina yawns as she gets back to her office. She’s changed out of her scrubs and is back in a pair of black slacks and a white sleeveless shirt. She grabs her bag and turns the lights off, leaving everything in her office until tomorrow.

Amelia delivered a healthy baby boy with the help of Dr. Bailey. Carina reaches for her phone in her bag and unlocks it. She happy with the results and there’s one person she wants to tell. She knows it’s a longshot, but she calls Maya. She’s on shift so the odds of her answering are about 50/50. She waits while it rings but the call goes unanswered. She sighs and starts to make her way out of the hospital to her apartment.

She gets home and has a shower and makes something to eat. She goes through the mail that had accumulated in her box. Carina hadn’t been home in a few days. She’d stayed over at Maya’s the last few days as the firefighter had three days off in a row. Carina feels like her and Maya are starting to hit their stride. Things are good. She tries calling Maya again, but it goes answered, again. She wonders if the team is out on a big call.

Carina flips through a magazine in bed for a little while before shutting the light off and going to sleep.

She’s awakened from her slumber by a buzzing noise. It’s a consistent on and off for about two minutes. It takes Carina a moment to realizes it her apartments intercom. She rubs her tired eyes and finds a pair of pajama pants to pull up her legs before making her way to the door. The buzzing had stopped.

She pushes the button. “Hello?”

There’s no answer from anybody. Carina sighs. Sometimes this happens, living in a popular district down near the hospital. People get lost or confused or are drunk. So, it’s not the first time someone has buzzed her door in the middle of the night. Carina takes a step before stopping. She’s about to head back to bed But something doesn’t feel right about this. She goes to the window and looks out. She’s up a few floors and at the front of the building, so Carina can see the street, but she doesn’t see anything when she looks out.

Carina grabs her keys and phone and heads for the door. She goes downstairs and pushes the front door open. She looks left and then right. That’s when she spots her. Maya throwing up in the shrubbery to the right of the front entryway of her apartment building.

“Maya?”

Maya holds a hand up, one finger in the air.

Carina steps outside, letting the front door close and lock. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be working? Aren’t you on shift?”

Maya puts her hands on her knees and takes a few labored breaths. “Sullivan made us go home early.” She stands up and wipes her sleeve over the mouth.

“The whole crew?” Carina is beyond confused.

That is, until Maya steps out of the darkness and into the light that hangs over the entryway. Carina sees it in her red, bloodshot eyes. “What happened?”

“He fell through the roof.” Maya stares at Carina, trying to feel something.

“Who?”

“I watched him fall through the roof.” Her words are measured, staccato.

“Who Maya?”

“To his death.”

“Oh, bella.” Carina reaches out and wraps Maya in a hug. “You smell terrible.” A mixture of smoke, and sweat, and alcohol.

Maya sags against Carina. “I know. Thanks.”

“Let’s get you upstairs.” Carina pulls Maya’s body with her. “Are you going to be sick again?”

Maya shakes her head against Carina’s chest. “Nope. There’s nothing left.”

Carina knows damn well that doesn’t mean a person can’t still continue to throw up. She also wonders if Maya means more than just the contents of her stomach.

They get upstairs and Carina pulls her straight into the bathroom. “Take your clothes off.”

“Buy a girl dinner first, geez.” Maya jokes.

Carina isn’t sure what this weird mood that Maya is in is all about. She saw her after Rigo died, but this is different. Carina reaches out and grabs the bottom of Maya’s Henley long sleeve shirt. “Arms up.”

“I’m not a child. I can do it myself.” She swats Carina’s hands away.

“Okay.” Carina says, clipped. She turns and starts the shower. “I tried to call you earlier.” Carina mentions, not sure how the news will be received.

“I know.” Maya burps. “Vic and I were drinking at the bar.”

Carina would be a little hurt that Maya didn’t answer her phone call, but knows that the woman is going through something right now. She hasn’t gotten to the bottom of it yet, but if Battalion Chief Sullivan sent the whole crew home than it must be serious.

“Amelia had her baby. I healthy baby boy. That’s why I called you.” Carina knows now isn’t the best time to be bringing this up, but she wants to think of happy things. She wants Maya to think of happy things.

Maya grunts and pulls her jeans down her legs. “One life is lost, and another is gained.” She mumbles only now realizing that her tennis shoe are still on her feet. “Fuck this.” She sits on the toilet.

“Let me.” Carina kneels on the floor and starts to untie Maya’s shoe before removing them along with her socks and then pulling the jeans the remainder of the way off of Maya’s legs. She stands and holds a hand out to Maya.

Maya doesn’t take it as she leans on the counter to push herself to her feet.

It’s weird. Even though Carina knows that Maya has been drinking the woman doesn’t seem to be too drunk. She’s really confused by this version of Maya standing before her. Carina tucks her arms to her chest, almost hugging herself as Maya climbs into the shower.

“Maya.”

Maya turns to look at her.

“You still have your bra and underwear on.”

“I know.” Maya nods and pulls the shower curtain closed. A moment later the bra is being thrown out of the shower, and then the pair on panties she was wearing.

Carina catches both and with a raised eyebrow looks down at the items in her hands. She grabs Maya shirt and jeans and throws them in the laundry and goes out into the bedroom and gets a clean t-shirt and pair of shorts for Maya to wear after her shower. She also gets a towel from the closet and then goes back to the bathroom. She, dutifully, sits on the toilet and waits for Maya to finish her shower.

The water turns off and Maya pulls the shower curtain open. Carina holds the towel out for Maya to take. “Thanks.” Maya mumbles and starts to towel off as Carina watches her.

“What happened?” Carina whispers. She doesn’t know if it’s too early to try to ask again or not.

Maya shakes her head. “Captain Herrera died.” She takes the shirt and shorts that Carina is holding out to her. The confusion on Carina’s face is clear as day. “It wasn’t the cancer.” She clears that up. Carina nods.

Maya hangs the towel on the hook on the wall that she uses when she stays here. Then, she grabs the toothbrush that is reserved for her from the holder. She puts toothpaste on it and starts brushing. “He fell through the roof.” She says around a mouthful of toothpaste, pulling the toothbrush from her mouth and waving it around in the air. “I watched it all happen.” Little droplets of toothpaste mixed with spit fly all over, some landing on Carina’s right arm. Maya laughs, cynically. “Actually, I let it happen. How fucked up is that?” She spits in the sink and rinses her mouth. She gives Carina a pointed look. “Are we going to bed?”

Carina stares at Maya for a moment before getting up and following the blonde to bed. To say Maya’s behavior is strange would be an understatement. There doesn’t seem to be any sadness or anxiety or fear. She just seems kind of numb, hollow. Her words don’t have any emotion behind them. Carina wonders if she’s just in shock and reality hasn’t set in yet.

“When did this happen?” Carina wonders what part of their shift they were in.

“Earlier this afternoon. Or maybe that was yesterday. What time is it?” Her words almost robotic.

“1:24.”

“So yesterday. You have to work tomorrow. We’ll sleep now.” Maya rolls onto her side from her back and pulls Carina to her chest, slipping a leg between Carina’s. She presses a kiss to her forehead and then one to her lips. “Goodnight, beautiful.”

Carina pushes a hand against Maya’s chest. “Maya, wait.” Maya hums. “This isn’t like you.” Maya pulls an annoyed face. Who is Carina to tell her what is and isn’t like her? “Tell me how you feel.”

“I don’t feel anything.”

“Because of the alcohol?” Carina wonders.

“No.” Maya shrugs. “Actually, I can feel that my buzz is wearing off.” She looks everywhere except at Carina. She won’t make eye contact.

Carina sighs. “Tell me what happened.”

“I did.” Maya frowns. They’ve been through it once, actually twice already. She knows she didn’t go into detail but she’s trying to spare Carina from the painful details. She doesn’t want Carina to have to deal with those.

Carina reaches up and puts her palm on Maya’s cheek. “You can tell me.” She strokes her thumb under Maya’s eye.

A shudder runs through Maya, and she thinks she might be sick again. She rolls over and pops out of bed and runs to the bathroom. Every time she thinks about what happened she feels the need to throw up. The painful reality makes her physically ill.

Her knees hit her floor and she opens the lid of the toilet in the same second. All that comes up is stomach bile.

Maya hangs over the bowl as Carina enters the bathroom. She sits next to Maya with her back against the tub. She pulls Maya’s blonde hair back and hold it in one hand while the other hand rubs slow circles across her back.

Maya groans. “It’s not from drinking.” Maya doesn’t drink to the point of getting sick.

“Okay.”

“Vic was hammered. I got her a cab and went home with her. I got her into bed and then I went home too. But I didn’t want to be there. It was too quiet.” Too lonely.

“So, you came here.”

“I didn’t know where else to go. I don’t want to bother Andy right now. I know Sullivan took her home.”

“That was nice of him.” Carina thinks it’s good that the team all looks out for each other.

Maya shakes her head.

“That wasn’t nice of him?” Carina wonders.

“She’s sleeping with him. Or something.” Maya has had her suspicions for a while now.

“Is that allowed?” Carina knows Sullivan has rank over Andy.

Maya lifts her head out of the bowl and smirks over at Carina. “Nope.”

“Dio mio.”

“I know, right.” Maya hangs her head over the toilet again. “Anyway, I have to talk to Andy. But I don’t want to, and she needs time and I need time.”

“You all do.”

Maya nods. “I don’t want to talk about it because it makes me physically ill every time I picture him up there.” She shakes her head. “What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, bella. I wasn’t there.”

“You didn’t hear about this?” Maya wonders, glancing over at Carina again. She thought that was why Carina had called her earlier. That she heard about what happened on the news or at the hospital or something. Carina shakes her head.

“It should have be a routine call. Small fires in some of the units. It was at storage locker building. I should have prepared more. But then it went through the units in the ventilation system. I should have known the layout of the building. I should have known what the walls were made of and the roof. We got the civilians out. But there was heavy smoke and it was dark and disorienting. They got lost or confused. Trapped. My whole team. Inside. I told Sullivan we needed to vent the roof. And he said we’d go through the wall. But the building was cement block. You can’t just break through that. You need a battering ram or backhoe or some heavy duty equipment that you don’t just bring with you to every call.”

Maya sits up a little and presses her back to the side of the tub and sits next to Carina. “Can you get me a glass of water?”

“Si, bella.” Carina jumps to her feet and goes to get a glass before running it under the tap and handing it to Maya. She sits down again at Maya’s side.

Maya sloshes some water around in her mouth before spitting it into the toilet. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Carina puts her hand on Maya’s knee, giving it a squeeze.

“No. I came here in the middle of the night. Interrupted your sleep. Now I’m dumping more of my crap on you.” Maya doesn’t want pity or sympathy. She just didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts.

Carina smiles. “You’re not dumping your crap on me.” She finds Maya’s hand that isn’t holding the water glass and holds it between hers. “I want to know. I want you to tell me these things. I want to know what you are dealing with and going through. Okay?”

Maya nods. She takes another drink. “They were trapped. And then fucking Sullivan broke protocol and ran in there. That’s how I knew him and Andy were a thing for sure. Leaving me by myself to figure everything out. Captain Herrera showed up.” Maya closes her eyes. She probably shouldn’t because every time she does the image of him falling through the roof is on the inside of her eyelids. She shakes her head and opens her eyes again. “Fuck.” She whispers.

“It’s okay.” Carina rubs her thumbs over Maya’s hand.

“He wanted to go on the roof. It was his idea. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew the roof wasn’t stable. I knew what he was doing. We argued about it. That might be the worst part.” Maya swallows down the lump in her throat. “He was my mentor. He was someone that I looked up to. Someone who picked me and taught me how to be a firefighter. He was like a father. He’s Andy’s dad.” Maya is shaking now.

Carina wraps her arms round her and presses a kiss to her temple.

“He was all of those things and the last conversation I had with him was arguing about him going up on that roof knowing that he was staring death in the face and choosing to still go up there. The worst part is he left me with a message for Andy. God, I don’t know how I’m going to talk to her.”

“You’ll figure it out, bella. You always do.” Carina encourages.

“I got the ladder into position, and I just stood there. I didn’t know what else to do. I felt so helpless. I just stood there and watched it happen. The team were suffocating, and he was on the roof, and I just stood there.”

“You had to.” Carina tells her.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have this helpless feeling.” Maya breathes out a shaky breath. “And then he was swinging the axe over his head-“ Maya snaps her fingers. “Then he was gone.” She swallows hard. That sick nauseous feeling returns. Maya closes her eyes and breathes in and out slowly. It doesn’t work though, and Maya leans forward over the bowl again.

“Oh, bambina. I’m so sorry.” Carina soothes, her hand rubbing over Maya’s back again.

Maya takes a few minutes to collect herself again. She just stares straight forward for a while with her back to the tub.

“Watching him fall was what got me. I was frozen there at the base of the ladder. Then the team came out and they were all staring at me. That was a pain like I’ve never felt before. All eyes on me. I couldn’t even look at them. It was like they were judging me, blaming me. I turned away before I could make eye contact with anyone. To that point, I didn’t feel anything but then they saw me, and it was a weird sort of pain. Like it physically hurt for a while. I had to sit down. It feels so weird right now. Like it’s not real. But it is. I saw it happen. Me. And nobody else.”

“It’s probably shock or just a delayed reaction. Grief is strange sometimes. And it manifests itself in different ways. And it can be a different form of grief for everyone you know that passes.”

That makes sense. “You’re so smart.” Maya smiles over at Carina.

Carina chuckles a little. “Thank you, bella.”

They sit on the floor against the tub for a little while longer. Neither really saying much of anything. Carina with her arm around Maya and Maya with her head on Carina’s shoulder. “We should go back to bed.” Maya suggests.

“Sure.” Carina stands up and helps Maya to her feet. “Are you okay?” She sees Maya wobble little.

“I think I just need sleep.”

“Are you going to be able to sleep?”

Maya shrugs. “I’m going to brush my teeth again.”

“Good idea. Do you want me to wait or?” Carina thumbs over her shoulder in the direction of the bedroom.

“Ya know, Sullivan kicked us out of the station, and I thought about coming over here right away. But you were at work.” Maya voices quietly.

The soft smile on Carina’s lips is worth the admission in Maya’s opinion. It’s the soft smile that is just for her. Maya knows it’s just for her and it makes like butterflies flutter in her stomach every time she sees it. That soft smile makes her feel warm all over. Inside and out.

“You could’ve come to the hospital.”

Maya smiles. “You were delivering Amelia’s baby.” She whispers.

Carina nods. Her voice in an equal whisper. “Bailey was there too. She helped since Link had to do a surgery on Dr. Webber.”

“Is everything alright?” Maya asks, her senses perking up a little at the thought of something being wrong.

“It will be now. Andrea is the one who figured out what was wrong with Richard.” She says with pride.

Maya puts a hand on Carina’s hip and leans in and presses a peck of a kiss to Carina’s cheek. “That’s great.”

“It is.” Carina smiles.

“I went out with Vic, so, yeah.” Maya shrugs. “It’s not like I would’ve seen you at the hospital. It sounds like you were busy. It sounds like a super busy day over there.”

“It was.” Carina yawns. It’s late. She’s tired. She’s happy to be there for Maya but her sleep did get interrupted by the blonde.

“Go to bed. I’ll be in there in a minute.” She squeezes Carina’s hip before taking a step back. “And maybe set two alarms for in the morning.” Maya jokes, remembering their vacation alarm incident.

She hears Carina’s breathy laugh as she walks away. Maya sighs and looks at herself in the mirror. She finds she doesn’t look terrible. Bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. Bloodshot eyes a bit from drinking and throwing up. But she feels better than before she arrived at Carina’s apartment. She knows that has a lot to do with the wonderful Italian woman that she’s come to know and love. Maya shakes her head at herself.

She brushes her teeth again and heads to bed. Maya climbs into bed and realizes that Carina is already asleep. She presses a kiss to her cheek and then temple. Maya slides her arm across Carina’s waist and Carina shuffles closer to Maya in her sleep.

“I love you.” The words are shaky as Maya whispers them. She hopes that one day she will be brave enough to say those words out loud to Carina, in the daylight, not under the cover of night while the woman is off in dreamland.

She closes her eyes hoping that she can at least get a couple hours of sleep before she needs to be awake again and start dealing with everything that happened yesterday.


In the morning is when the sadness hits Maya. The tears stream down her face as soon as she wakes up and remembers what happened. She sits up in bed and looks down at the still sleeping woman next to her. She shifts trying to get out of bed without disturbing Carina. She knows the doctor needs to get up in a little bit too. But she wants to let her sleep as long as possible in return for having woken her in the middle of the night.

Maya tiptoes to the bathroom, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes as she goes. As she shuts the bathroom door a sob breaks loose. Maya throws her hand over her mouth and slides down the back of the door until she is sitting on the floor.

She doesn’t know for how long she sits on the floor crying, but eventually there’s a knock on the door. “Maya? Are you in there?”

Maya shuffles across the floor, pulling her knees to her chest, and opens the door. She is met with those magical warm brown eyes as she looks up. Carina is on the floor next to her before she knows what’s happening. “It’s okay, bambina.” Carina rocks them back and forth. “Cry. Let it all out.”

“I have to go to work.” Maya mumbles.

“I know.” Carina strokes Maya’s hair. “This first though.”

“We have to relieved C crew. They came in and finished our shift yesterday.”

“Okay.”

“I have to do the paperwork. Fill out the report.” Maya groans. “There’s going to be so much paperwork. And another investigation. That’s three this year. I know, technically Ryan wasn’t FD but still. Why does this keep happening?”

Carina doesn’t know who Ryan is or what the story is there, but she doesn’t ask. “I don’t know. You guys are just going through a bad stretch.”

“And Ripley before that.”

Carina has heard about Ripley. He was in the hospital for a while.

“It’s okay.” She rubs at Maya’s back. Carina hears the alarm on her phone go off. “Do you think we can get up soon? We both have to go to work.”

“I know.” Maya sniffs up all of the snot trying to run out of her nose.

“That’s very attractive.” Carina jokes.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Where are my clothes?”

“You can’t put those back on. They smell.”

“I wasn’t going to.” Maya starts to push herself up. “Just- I should take them with me.” She tries to be strong, collect herself.

Carina stands with her. “No, bella. I’ll wash them and get them back to you sometime. They stink and have throw up on them.”

“Sorry.” Maya mumbles. “And my backpack.”

“It’s by the door.”

“Thanks.” Maya smiles shyly.

“E stato un piacere.” Carina kisses Maya softly. “You get ready and then I’ll get ready, si?”

Maya nods. “Can I get some different shorts or pants though?” She looks down at what she’s wearing. “I don’t really want to walk into the station like this.”

Carina chuckles. “You mean, big bad Captain Bishop can’t be seen wearing a pair of pink shorts with white polka dots on them?”

“No.” Maya bites her lip.

Carina runs her hand down Maya’s arm, finding her hand, giving it a quick squeeze. “Okay.” She grins. “But I find it very adorable.” She reaches for the elastic waistband on the shorts and hooks her finger into them.

Maya rolls her eyes but there is a pleased smile on her face.

“There’s that smile.” Carina grins happy that Maya at least can smile right now. She leans in and kiss the smile. “You’ll be okay.”

Maya nods. “I know. It’s just-“

“A lot.”

Maya nods again. She looks up at Carina trying to convey everything that she is thinking and feeling into that one look. She tries to tell Carina thank you and I’m sorry and a number of emotions all wrapped into one.

Carina nods like she understands. “Get ready for work. I can walk with you to work if you want.”

Maya’s eyes raise high on her forehead like the thought is outrageous and never would have occurred to her.

“You have to be to work before I do.” Carina continues when she doesn’t get a verbal response from Maya.

“Right?”

Maya nods. “Yes. Right.”

“Bene.” Carina nods and goes to find clothes to wear and different pants for Maya.

Chapter 11

Notes:

okay so i wanted to have this up on monday but it wasn't ready. it's still not how i want it but that's the perfectionist in me. there is also more to this. but again not ready but i wanted to get soemthing up sooner rather than later.

so here we are dealing with Carina finding out about Andrew breaking down after Richard's surgery. Maya dealing with the aftermath of Pruitt's roof climb/death. And Carina stopping by the station after she goes to see Andrew.

Also i think awkward, dorky maya is my favorite maya.

Enjoy.

Chapter Text

Carina goes down to check on Amelia and the baby. Just a quick pop in to see how they are doing before they go home.

She’s surprised to see Meredith Grey in the room. Maybe she shouldn’t be.

“Oh, hello.” Carina makes her entrance. “How is everyone doing today?”

“I’m good.” Linc replies right away. “Thanks for asking.”

“She was talking about me and the baby.” Amelia smirks over at Link.

Carina raises an eyebrow. “Mostly, si. But papa is part of everyone and an important part. So, I will ask again. How is everyone?”

Amelia rolls her eyes. “Come on, Dr. DeLuca.”

Meredith sits in the chair holding baby Scout staying out of the conversation.

“You know how mothers are after they give birth.” Amelia continues.

Carina tilts her head to the side. “Everyone is different. No two births or birth experiences are the same.”

“Right but-“ Amelia glances over at her son, beaming happily at him. “-we absolutely love him and couldn’t be happier.”

“Good.” Carina nods. “Glad to hear.” She looks over Amelia’s chart. All her numbers and labs look good. “I’d say-“ She raises the back of her hand to her mouth to cover a yawn. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry, I’d say if you are feeling up to it and the bambino checks out then the happy family can go home this afternoon.”

“Up all night Dr. DeLuca?” Amelia wiggles her eyebrows.

“Yes. Well, not all night. And nothing like you are suggesting. The fire captain died yesterday at a scene.”

Amelia wrinkles up her face in confusion. She can’t be talking about Maya because Carina surely wouldn’t be standing here right now, if she were.

“Sorry, former captain.”

Amelia sighs. “You had me really confused there for a second.”

“Sorry, it was a long night.”

“Then I probably shouldn’t tell you what I need to tell you.” Meredith stands and hands the baby over to his mother.

“Don’t sound so cryptic, Mer.” Amelia says playfully.

Meredith isn’t playing though. Carina looks over at Meredith and sees the concern on her face. “It’s Andrea?”

Meredith nods. “Would you like to step into the hallway or?” She looks over at Amelia, Linc, and the baby.

Carina glances over too. “You all live in the same house.”

“Yes, and I brought Andrew back to the house yesterday after Richard’s surgery. I found him sitting on the floor against a nurse’s station. He didn’t know what was going on. I think he was coming down from his high.”

“His manic state.” Carina corrects.

“Yes, that.” Meredith nods. “Anyway, he’s at the house. And now that Amelia and Linc and the baby are coming home-“

“You’re worried he’ll get agitated?” Carina asks what Meredith didn’t say.

“Well, he seemed fine with my kids running around this morning. He’s upstairs in the bedroom laying on the bed, curled up in a ball.” Meredith looks around at all the occupants of the room.

“What do you think we should do?” Carina doesn’t know why she says it. She doesn’t know why she is deferring to Meredith. Well, she does. It’s because Andrea won’t have anything to do with her. But for some reason he trusts Meredith to make decisions for him. It stings and that’s why Carina is so cool and indifferent towards Meredith most of the time now.

“Well, I want to wait a few days. See if he snaps out of it.”

Carina doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t like the sound of that idea though. She thinks he needs treatment, and he needs it now. It’s just a matter of how to make that happen at this point. Carina knows he’s in a depressive state now and that would be the time when he might listen to reason, when he isn’t so manic that nothing matters but the one thing on his mind at the time, when they would be able to get through to him.

“But-“ Meredith continues, seeing that Carina is just staring at her from across Amelia’s hosptial bed. “I think we need a back up plan, for if he doesn’t come around.”

“I agree.” Carina nods. She runs a hand through her hair, flipping it over to the other side. Her head spins a little and she feels a headache coming on. Carina rubs at her temple.

“I know, it’s a lot.” Meredith says, gently.

“I just wish he would talk to me.” Carina sighs. “I spent half the night up talking to Maya. She’s finally comfortable enough to open up to me, at least about work stuff, that with a little prodding and patience she usually tells me everything. I wish I could get Andrea to do that. He’s so private and closed off most of the time.”

“He is.” Meredith agrees.

“Can I come over and see him after my shift?” She hopes that maybe she can talk Andrea into getting treatment.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?” Meredith knows Andrew doesn’t want to talk to his sister.

“I have to try.” Carina nearly begs.

“Yeah, sure. I just don’t know how responsive he’s going to be.” Meredith gives Carina a sad smile.

Carina hangs her head. “I know.”

Amelia reaches out and takes Carina’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

“Grazie.” Carina mumbles. This has really brought down the mood in the room. Carina takes a deep breath. “I should get going. I have other patients to see. It was good seeing you all and seeing the piccolino.”

“Okay, have a good day.” Amelia tells her, giving her a sympathetic smile.

Carina smiles sadly and turns to exit the room. She walks down the hallway before finding a chair outside one of the rooms and has a seat. She just needs a minute. Carina knew this is the path Andrea was on. She knew they would get to this day. She knew that but that doesn’t make it any easy. It’s not something you can really prepare yourself for in totality.


It’s been a long day. The paperwork. Checking in on Andy and Sullivan. Getting a sense of where the team is at with dealing with Captain Herrera’s death. Dealing with her own emotions while remaining strong and capable has forced Maya’s head to pound with pain. She sets her pen down and rubs at her temples.

All of that and having to argue with Dixon about her emotions. She didn’t want to cry in front of him. Anybody but him. He doesn’t need another excuse to boot her from the job. But he’s got more than one now. He goes in on her about letting Pruitt onto the roof. He blames her, even though Sullivan is just as much ‘at fault’ as she is.

She knows where she stands. She knows he’s not going to do anything to Sullivan. Sullivan is his golden child. Maya is mad, on top of sad, on top of grieving, on top of exhausted. But she argued with him to give Pruitt a line of duty funeral anyway. Which he isn’t going to do.

It’s all so much.

After Dixon leaves, there’s on knock on her door. Maya has her head down on the desk hoping her headache well magically go away. “What?”

“Hey, Cap.” Vic tries to say with as much cheer as possible.

Maya raises her head and squints at Vic. “What do you need?”

“Rough night last night?” Vic slides into the chair opposite Maya.

“You were hammered. How are you ever vertical?”

Vic smiles. “I always bounce back like nothing ever happened.”

Maya frowns. “I wasn’t that drunk.” Her stomach grumbles. She couldn’t stomach anything this morning but water and a half piece of toast that Carina made her eat before she let her leave for work. She smiles thinking about how much Carina cares for her. “But, I was up half the night.”

“Doing?”

Maya shrugs.

“Sexy things?” Vic inquires.

Maya groans. “Do you think now is the time for sexy things?”

“No.” Vic hangs her head. She knows it’s not.

“What’s up with you and Avery?” Maya asks, turning the subject back on Vic.

Vic shrugs. “You know about that?”

“I’m the captain. I know everything.” Maya folds her hands together on the desktop. “So, where’s that at?”

Vic groans. “It’s so frustrating. Jackson’s like an old man. He wants to go slow and be friends and develop a relationship. I don’t know. It’s all over the place.”

Maya just nods and smiles.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Vic grumbles and bows her head before thinking of something. “How’s your doctor?”

Maya’s smile grows. “Fine. Thank you.”

“Oh, come on. That’s all you’re going to give me?”

“Yep.” Maya nods.

Vic groans. “Get up, you’re coming with me.”

“Where are we going, Hughes?”

“You’ll see.” Vic grabs on to Maya’s elbow and drags her through the station.

“I don’t want to see. I want to know before I get there.” Maya grumbles, not liking the idea. She knows Vic has something up her sleeve and she knows it probably has to do with this calendar idea.

“I feel like you could be a summer month. A hot chick for a hot month.” Vic mumbles mostly to herself.

“I’m a fire captain for the Seattle Fire Department. I hardly think that’s appropriate.” Maya argues.

“Oh, come on. Do it to cheer me up.” Vic stops them and looks over at Maya with a pout. “Please?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Fine.” She knows it’s for a good cause.


She doesn’t really know how she got there but somehow Carina is getting out of her car at the fire station. One minute was finishing her shift at the hospital, the next she was at Meredith’s place trying to talk to her brother. And now. Carina looks up at the front of the fire station.

Her feet take her forward seemingly of their own accord. It’s like Carina isn’t even telling them to do it. They just now what to do. Like her body is on autopilot and it knows exactly where it needs to go, needs to be.

“Hey, Dr. DeLuca.” Travis smiles when he spots her. “What are you doing here? We were just reminiscing about all the good stories we have of Captain Herrera.” The crew sits around the table.

Carina isn’t in a smiley mood though. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disrupt. I can come back another time.”

Maya pops out of her chair and turns towards Carina. “Hey.” She mouths.

Carina nods. “You guys are busy. I’ll go.”

Maya hurries over to her and catches Carina’s elbow before she can turn away. She knows something is up by the way Carina’s eyes don’t sparkle like they usually do or how she hasn’t smiled yet.

“You’re welcome to sit with us.” Vic offers. “Even though you didn’t know Pruitt.”

“No, that’s fine. I don’t want to interrupt.” Carina offers.

Maya hums. Something is really wrong with this woman. “We’ll be in my office.” Maya mumbles and tugs gently at Carina’s elbow to turn her towards the office.

“What’s up?” Maya asks. She doesn’t want to use the word wrong because, well, that implies that something is wrong, and it is, and Maya knows that, but she doesn’t want to voice it.

“Andrea.” Carina sighs and hangs her head.

“Here.” Maya offers up her office chair, leading Carina to sit in it. She pulls another chair around the desk and sets it facing Carina. “What happened?”

“I’m not really sure, to be honest. He won’t get out of bed. He diagnosed Richard and was in the surgery but then after- Meredith found him. He was confused and didn’t know what was going on, so she brought him home and I just went to see him.” Carina sighs. “He looks so small and so scared and so broken.”

Maya rubs her palms up and down Carina’s thighs, leaning forward in the chair, hanging onto every word that leaves Carina’s lips.

“He needs treatment, but Meredith wants to wait. See if he snaps out of it.” Carina puts on a Meredith accent, mocking her. “But he’s not just going to snap out of it, Maya. I’ve seen it before. With my father, with Andrea even. He could be like this for weeks or longer if something isn’t done.”

“Then do something. What’s stopping you?”

“Meredith. Andrea.” Carina takes Maya’s right hand in between hers. The rubbing on the legs is soothing but more distracting than anything. “He won’t even talk to me. I just visited him. He’s just a lump in the bed. All I got were a few grunts from him.”

“Come here.” Maya stands up. Carina raises an eyebrow. “Come on.” Maya gives her a half smile.

Carina stands and Maya wraps her in a tight hug. She sighs, thankful more than anything that Maya understands this and that Maya is willing to be there. No one has ever done that. Be there to care and to listen to her problems or what she is going through, until now. Until Maya. Carina had been afraid to tell Maya anything about herself. That old fear of rejection. That old fear of no one caring. That feeling that she wasn’t worth caring about. No one has ever focused on her the way Maya is focusing on her right now.

Maya loosens the hold she has on Carina so she can lean back and look into her eyes. That sparkle isn’t quite there, but it’s better than when she first arrived at the station. Those rich brown eyes a little brighter than they were earlier. “I have an idea.” Maya whispers.

Carina raises an eyebrow.

“Follow me.” Maya takes a step back; her hands find Carina’s as she steps backwards again. Carina takes a step forward and Maya walks backwards until they are in her bunk room. “Sit.” Carina does as she’s told and sits on the edge of the bed. Maya gets down on the floor on her knees. She unzips the little zipper on the side of Carina’s heeled boot and pulls it off of her foot. She looks up and locks eyes with Carina and starts rubbing her foot.

Carina closes her eyes when they start to fill with tears. Maya’s hands and fingers rub and massage her foot for a minute before she goes to take the other boot off. Carina sighs once her foot is released. It wasn’t a particular hard day at work and her feet aren’t sore but it’s still nice to have her feet free from shoes. She opens her eyes when the magic hands are gone, and Maya is standing up.

Maya goes over to the little sink. “Do you want some water?” She washes her hands.

“Yes, please.”

Maya fills a glass and brings it back over to the bed. She lets Carina get a big drink before taking the glass back. Maya pops two ibuprofen in her mouth and washes them down with a gulp of water. “I have a headache.” She explains.

Carina puts a hand on the small of Maya’s back just now remembering all the ‘stuff’ Maya had to deal with today. “How did it go today?”

Maya shrugs. “Not terribly, I guess. I could have held my cool with Dixon better, but it is what it is. I’m not going to worry over it. What’s done is done. I will defend my decisions and choices and myself, but he’s not ever going to see things my way so there’s not much point.”

“Do you have any more of those?”

“What?” Maya glances over at Carina.

Carina lays her head on Maya’s shoulder. “I have a headache too.”

Maya pops off from the bed without saying anything. She grabs two more ibuprofen and comes back with a full glass of water. “Sounds like we both had absolutely wonderful days.” Maya chuckles sarcastically.

“It’s a little better now.” Carina says and swallows the pills that Maya hands to her.

The soft pleased smile on Maya’s face is more than anything to tell Carina that it’s the same for her. “You wanna lay down?” Maya whispers, there’s something scary about asking that. It’s not like it’s not something they’ve done before. Heck, they sleep in the same bed more nights than not nowadays. But, this, here, at the station. It feels different.

Carina is laying down almost before Maya even finishes asking. Maya nods and lays on the bed on her side, facing Carina.

“Take your shoes off.” Carina mumbles.

“I can’t.” Maya shakes her head lightly. They have to stay on in case there is a call, and she has to rush off. She reaches up and tucks some of Carina’s loose hair behind her ear. She circles back to Andrew. “Just so you know-“ She swallows down the thickness in her throat. “-whatever you need, with Andrew, I’ll do what I can.” Maya isn’t going to make any promises because she has work and is captain and sometimes you can’t just work around that. But, if she’s available and free than she’s willing to offer up support for both DeLuca siblings.

Carina closes her eyes. “Thank you, bambina.” It’s almost overwhelming the amount of support that she is receiving from Maya. At one point, Carina wasn’t sure if Maya was even capable of it but now, now Maya is offering so much even if she doesn’t know she is doing it.

“You.” She runs her finger across Carina’s forehead. “Are.” And down her nose. “Very.” And a thumb across her cheekbone. “Welcome.” And then nudges Carina’s jaw with a curl knuckle. Maya seals it with a soft kiss. Carina shudders and shakes a little and it takes Maya a moment to realizes that she is crying. “Hey. No.” She sets her palm on Carina’s cheek. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. Did I say the wrong thing? I didn’t mean-“

Carina is shaking her head. “No, Maya.”

“Okay, then what is it?” Maya worries.

“Every- everything.” Carina stutters.

Maya hums. She leans in and presses her lips to Carina’s again. She’s not sure what to say, so she doesn’t say anything. She kisses Carina’s chin and her cheek and her nose before pressing her lips to Carina’s forehead and letting them linger there. “You’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.” Maya gulps down the bit of uneasiness at those words. “Andrew will get treatment and he will get better. I’m sure of it.”

“I have an idea.” Carina says, her voice is hoarse. She’s been thinking about her idea since Meredith told her Andrea was unwell this morning when she was visiting Amelia and the baby. She isn’t proud of the idea that floats around in her head, but she can’t think of anything else that could work. Carina will need help though and she will need to get others on board with her idea, but if she does, it just might work.

Maya hums waiting for Carina to voice this idea, but Carina shakes her head. “I can’t tell you yet.”

“Okay.” Maya is fine with that. As long as there is a yet at the end of the sentence it means Carina will tell her when the time is right. She rubs her hand up and down Carina’s back. “Okay.”

Maya speaks quietly as she tells Carina in detail about her day. She talks about Dixon and the calendar fundraiser and how ridiculous she thought she looked in a swimsuit and her turnout pants.

“Amazing.” Carina mumbles sleepily.

“What?” She hadn’t thought Carina had been listening. Maya was mostly talking for something to do, to fill the silence, to give them something other than the sad negative thoughts in their heads.

Her eyes had been closed as she listened to Maya talk. “I bet you looked amazing.” Carina yawns.

Maya chuckles and shakes her head a little. “Thanks, babe. But you didn’t see it.” Maya dances her fingers up and down Carina’s arm. She alternates between that and just holding onto her hand loosely. She keeps talking about the set up and what Travis and Vic had her do and how ridiculous it all seemed. Maya talks and speaks lightly and doesn’t realize that Carina has fallen asleep.

“What else did you do today?” Maya asks the question but doesn’t get a response from the Italian.

“Carina?” Her eyes search all of Carina features for any clue that she is awake. There are none.

So, Maya slips her arm over Carina’s hip, resting it there, still, and watches her sleep for a little bit. She’s not surprised with everything that’s happened in the last two days. The poor woman is probably exhausted.

She is interrupted by a knock on her office door though. She barely hears it from inside the bunk room. Maya would willingly lay in bed all day with Carina just to make her feel better. But she quickly and as quietly as possible gets out of bed and scrambles to the bunk room door. She slips out into her office and runs a hand over her hair, smoothing it out from where she had been laying on it.

“Oh, there you are. Did Carina leave?” Vic plops down in a chair.

Maya raises her index finger to her lips and shakes her head. “No.” She whispers.

Vic quirks an eyebrow at that.

“She’s sleeping.” Maya speaks quietly.

“Awwww.” Vic coos.

Maya walks over to where Vic is seated. She stands next to her and folds her arms over her chest, trying to look intimidating. “After our little rendezvous last night, I showed up at her place and kept her up half the night. So, she’s tired.” Maya leaves out the part about Andrew.

“Look at you, Bishop.”

“What about me?” Maya grumbles, not liking where this is going already.

“Taking care of your girl.”

Maya only hums in reply. She looks away from Vic. “It’s what she’s done for me.” It’s barely above a whisper.

“So, you feel obligated to do the same or return the favor or whatever?”

Maya shrugs. That’s not how she feels. The word obligated makes it sound so negative. It’s not an obligation. It’s not anything other than Maya feeling like she wants to be there for Carina during a hard time. It’s a want or a need not an obligation.

“I just came to see if you guys wanted to join us for a few rounds of cards in a little bit but-“ Vic tips her head towards Maya’s bunk room.

“Maybe another time.” Maya mumbles, still in her head about why she wants to take care of Carina. Everything she thinks of circles back to one thing. The one thing that she feels but scares her and terrifies her and doesn’t know how to do. Love.

She wonders for a moment if that’s why Carina has taken care of her. Love. Does Carina love her? It’s one thing to think you are in love with someone. It’s a completely entirely other thing to realize or be told that someone is in love with you or loves you back. It’s like the possibility that Carina loves her has just entered Maya’s mind for the very first time. She wonders if it’s possible. Or how it’s possible.

Maya doesn’t do love. She doesn’t think anyone has ever loved her. Well, maybe her dad. He loved her so much that he trained her himself and got her to the Olympics and won gold. But other than that. And that’s a different kind of love. That’s familial love. The love of a parent for a child. This isn’t. This is something different. Bigger. Scarier. Romantic love.

“Maya?”

Maya raises an eyebrow. “Hmm.”

“Where’d you go?”

Maya sets her jaw, slightly on edge because of her own thoughts. “I’m right here.”

Vic laughs lightly and taps at her skull.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Get out.” She nods at the door.

“Oh, come on. The guys are driving me nuts. Can’t I just stay in here for a while.” They just keep talking about Pruitt and Vic doesn’t want to talk about Pruitt anymore. She’s sad and she just wants to be sad and not be forced to reminisce. Vic told them she was coming to get Maya so they could start a game of cards.

“No.”

“Please?” Vic begs.

Maya thinks it over. She feels bad for Vic. For the whole team. They are going through a lot of emotions right now. “Whatever. But only if you are quiet. I don’t need you waking Carina up.”

Vic smirks. “So, what’s the plan?”

“For?”

Vic shakes her head. She can’t believe Maya hasn’t thought this through yet. “There’s a girl sleeping in your bunk.”

“Carina’s not a girl.”

Vic wants to laugh but saves her friend from it. “No. She’s a grown ass woman. Asleep in your bunk. At the fire station where you are the captain.”

Maya’s eyes get big and wide. “Oh.”

“That might look bad.”

“Well, no one is going to know if you don’t tell anyone.” Maya shrugs.

Vic stands from her chair to leave Maya to handle her little predicament. “I won’t but- you know you can’t let her sleep here all night.”

Maya bows her head with a sigh. “I know. I just feel bad. Last night- I woke her up. And I don’t want to have to do it again.”

“I know.” Vic pats Maya on the arm. “But you have to. Get her a cab home and wake her up and send her off.” She suggests. Maya nods. “We’ve all had a rough few days. I’m sure she understands.”

“We were just laying down. She wasn’t supposed to fall asleep.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Maya.” With that Vic leaves to go find the guys and give Maya a little time with Carina. She gets to the door and turns and gives Maya a wink.

“What was that for?”

“This is a side of you I’ve never seen before. That’s all.” Vic likes seeing this softer side of Maya.

Maya huffs and rolls her eyes. So what? She has a soft spot for Carina and wants to do things for her and take care of her and make her feel better. That doesn’t mean she was some emotionless crazy person before. Or uncaring or whatever Vic thinks.

“Seriously. You should join us for cards. When you’re done here.” Vic nods at the bunk room.

Maya nods in reply and looks over at the closed door. Vic makes her exit and Maya goes back to the bunk room door. She puts her hand on the handle and opens the door slowly. She doesn’t want to have to do this. Can’t she just let Carina sleep? What’s the big problem with that?

“Carina.” She whispers and sits on the edge of the mattress. She rubs her hand up and down Carina’s arm. “Wakey wakey.” She coos and wonder where the words came from. Maya has never said anything like that in her entire life. It’s sound so chessy coming from her mouth.

Carina rolls onto her back and puts an arm across her eyes, hiding them in her elbow.

“I’m sorry to do this but you can’t sleep here.” Maya reaches up and gently pulls Carina’s arm away from her face.

“It’s your fault.” Carina pouts.

“Oh really?” Maya giggles.

“Yeah, you wanted us to lay down.”

Maya shrugs. “Fair.”

That gets a little giggle out of Carina.

“I’ll take the blame for that. But what I won’t take the blame for is having a civilian sleep the entire night in my bunk.” Maya explains.

Carina pushes herself up onto her elbows. “I know. But thank you.”

Maya shakes her head. “You don’t need to-“

Carina cuts her off with a kiss to her lips. She wraps her hand around the back of Maya’s head and pulls her in tight thanking her through her kiss. She releases Maya’s lips with a wet smack. Maya chases after her for more but Carina leans back. “Thank you, Captain Bishop.” She puts a hand on Maya’s chest, keeping her at bay.

Maya groans. “You can’t do that.”

“I just did.” Carina wiggles her eyebrows. She yawns then and raises her arms to stretch. “This letto isn’t bad.” She pushes her hands up and down against the mattress. Though her nap was short Carina feels a little better. “How long was I asleep?”

“Half hour maybe.” Maya shrugs. She didn’t clock it. “I can call you a cab and make sure you get home okay. Or I can have one of the guys take you in the station truck.”

“The fire truck?” Carina doesn’t think that’s right.

Maya shakes her head. “It’s just a pickup truck for the captain or battalion chief or whoever is the bigwig at that station.”

“Bigwig.” Carina tries the strange term that she has never heard anyone use before. “I can drive. I drove here.”

“Are you sure? It’s late. I can arrange something. I just-“

Carina puts a hand on Maya’s bicep. “Are you worried about me?”

Maya pouts and nods.

“I’ll be fine, Maya. Will you walk me out?”

Maya nods. She stands and waits for Carina to sit up and put her shoes back on. She watches her intently, thinking about what has played out between them in the last two days. The support she’s gotten from Carina and vice versa is intense. It’s a feeling Maya isn’t accustomed to. She’s never had anyone that was a positive support with a cheery disposition and attitude. The lightness and positive that Carina brings into Maya’s life is rather eye opening for her.

That cheery disposition is absent today and it makes Maya sad. She’s sad that Carina is sad. It seems so wrong for the wonderful, bright, amazing Italian to be sad about anything.

“Ready.” Carina stands.

Maya nods and holds out her hand automatically. She smiles when Carina smiles just a tiny bit as she takes Maya’s hand. It’s the little things. A little smile here or there when the mood is somber to lift it up just a little.

They silently out the front of the station, into the parking lot. Carina unlocks her car. They stand facing each other at the driver’s side door neither quite sure what to say.

Carina looks down between them at the ground before raising her eyes again. Her slowly rakes her eyes up Maya’s body, her uniform, the collar of her button down with the silver bars on it. She thinks about asking Maya what they mean. But now isn’t the time.

Instead, she slips two fingers the snaps on Maya’s shirt, hooking her and pulling her close. “One day I’d like to be the one to take this uniform off of you.”

It takes Maya a moment to get the suggestive reference. “Oh.” Her eyes get big. “OH.”

Carina chuckles lightly.

Maya always gets changed at the station but she’s thinking right now that maybe one day she could wear her uniform home after a shift.

Carina wraps her arm around Maya’s shoulder and guides her into a long, slow kiss. She takes her time and really relishes in the simplicity of the kiss. It’s not rushed. Not hungry. It’s a simple assurance to say hey I’m here and you’re here and thank you and you’re welcome and you’ve got this. A bit of a check in. To be on the same page with each other.

“Maya.” Carina sighs her name.

“I love the way you say my name.” Maya knows it’s not the right thing to say right now but she couldn’t help it. “No one says it the way you do.”

“It’s the accent, isn’t it?” Carina raises an eyebrow.

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know if it’s that. You’re accent is very sexy though. Have I told you that before?”

“You may have.” Carina smirks.

“It just the way you say it like it’s- I don’t know-“ Maya shrugs. “Important or something. Like it matters. Like it means something.”

“Oh Maya.” Carina rolls her name off her tongue again. “It is important. You are important. Just like your name.”

All Maya can do is nod. She doesn’t always feel important. When someone calls her Captain Bishop she feels important. But never before has she felt important when someone called her simple Maya. Her mom would always say her name quietly. Her dad hardly used her Maya, calling her kiddo or sport or champ instead. There’s just something about the way Carina says it that has Maya thinking about it, that’s all.

“You should go home. Get some sleep.” Maya locks eyes with Carina. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Carina nods. “I’ll see you-?”

“After next shift. We need a date night.”

A small smile tugs at Carina’s lips. After everything that’s been going on she’s more than happy to spend a quiet night with Maya. “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Don’t get your hopes up too high. I’m not good at that stuff, remember.”

Carina leans in a presses a kiss to the corner of Maya’s mouth. “As long as it’s with you it will be amazing.”

Maya rolls her eyes at the cheesy line but she feels the same. They could do absolutely nothing but sit on the couch and it would be a perfect evening. “I’ll think of something.”

“Okay, bella. I’ll see you. Call me in the morning.” Carina squeezes Maya’s arm and reaches for the car door.

“Wait.” Maya stops her and reaches out to pull Carina into one last hug. “One for the road.”

They stand in an embrace for a long minute. “Okay. I’m ready.” Maya mumbles. She thinks she needed that as much or more than Carina did.

“I’m not.” Carina holds onto her for a little bit longer. “Okay. Now. Or I’m never going to let go.” She releases Maya from the hug and takes a step back. “Bye.” She gets in the car and rolls down the window.

“Get back to work, Captain Bishop. No more fraternizing with civilians.”

Maya bends down and looks into the window. “I didn’t mean to call you a civilian- earlier.” She cocks her head to the side.

“I know. I’m teasing you.”

“Right.” Maya nods. “I knew that.” And she did, it’s just that everything is so crazy it’s hard to tell up and down from left and right and jokes for seriousness right now. “I’ll see you later. I lo- like your car.” Maya panics. “By the way. I like your car. Have I told you that? Very fancy. Very professional. Very doctor like.” She doesn’t even know what she is saying.

Carina chuckles. “Thank you, Maya.” She says smoothly, totally catching Maya’s near slip of the tongue. “It’s late. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Maya just nods and takes a step back. She’s making a complete fool of herself. “Bye.” She waves a little.

Carina smiles and waves and shift her car into gear and driving out of the parking lot. Maya watches until she can’t see the car anymore before sighing and going back inside. She’s got a lot to think about.

Chapter 12

Notes:

Oh gosh, thanks for all the comments and kudos everyone.

This goes along with the last chapter.

Chapter Text

They have a ‘date night’ tonight after Carina is done with work. Maya is trying to plan the whole thing out. Not that there is a whole thing but she feels anxiety about having a plan.

She stops at the edge of the park to catch her breath. Bent over, hand on her knees.

Dinner. That’s what Maya has planned. Dinner and a movie? But at a movie they can’t talk. No movie. Dinner and some other activity.

Maya stands up straight, hands on her hips, and tips her head back, taking in deep breathes of air. Her run was brutal, punishing. Just how she wanted it to be.

Dinner and a walk in the park. But is that too boring. They’d be able to talk. Or is talking at dinner enough. They don’t need to talk all night. Do they need to talk at all?

Maya’s got the dinner part all down. She made a reservation at a newish Thai place that is a few blocks from her apartment. She’s never been there but would like to try it. She had asked Carina if she ate Thai food and when she said yes, she knew she didn’t have to worry about the dinner part anymore. It’s the everything else about the date that Maya needs to worry about now.

After a few stretches, Maya hops in her car and drives home. A shower later, she is writing down ideas for their date. She’s only got two. Movie. Walk in the park. She taps her pen on the piece of paper for a few minutes as she tries to think of ideas. Nothing substantial or concrete develops in her head.

Maya gives up and starts cleaning the apartment. She is frustrated with lack of ideas and planning but remembers what Carina told her. As long as it’s with you, it will be amazing.

She wants to impress Carina with their date but knows that she doesn’t have to and that it will be fine if she doesn’t. It’s just that Maya usually puts her all into everything she does. To not do that feels weird. But she’s tired and sad and a down still about Pruitt and everything so she’s not going to fuss over it anymore. Instead, she fusses over cleaning the apartment.


“What did you do today?” Carina asks as their food is brought to the table.

Maya hums and looks over her plate with big hungry eyes. “I went for a run, I tired to think of things to do on our date but didn’t come up with anything. I realized that maybe it was okay not to come up with anything and that it wasn’t the end of the world if I didn’t. So I tried to get over the feeling of like I was failing at the date by cleaning the apartment.”

Carina chuckles lightly. Maya and her stubborn ways. She likes that Maya is driven and passionate about everything that she does. Carina thinks maybe to a fault at some points, but that’s Maya’s way of living. To do the best, to be the best. But maybe it progress that Maya has acknowledged that she doesn’t have to stress out about everything. About their date. And that it’s okay if she doesn’t have a plan for absolutely everything in life.

“So, you’re saying you don’t have any other plans for our date.” Carina raises an eyebrow.

Maya shakes her head.

“Okay. Good.”

“Why? Do you have a plan?” Maya is excited that maybe Carina thought of something for them to do.

“I do not.”

“Oh.” Maya pouts.

“Don’t sound so disappointed, bella.”

Maya sinks down in her seat. “I just wanted tonight to be good, ya know?”

Carina reaches across the table and takes Maya’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “It will be. It is.”

Maya takes a deep breath and looks into Carina’s eyes. She sees the honestly and sincerity in her eyes, the reassurance that whatever they do tonight during their ‘date night’ will be good, will be satisfactory, will be enough  . She nods. “Okay.”

“Now eat your dinner or you don’t get any dessert.” Carina says playfully.

Maya drops her jaw, leaving her mouth hanging open, in mock offense. “It’s hard to eat when you’ve got your hand wrapped around my right hand. Fork and all.”

Carina’s eyes glance down at Maya’s hand. She watches as she rubs her thumb over the back of Maya’s hand. She sighs and pulls her hand away. “I’m glad we are doing this.”

It’s been a rough few days. Carina still feels exhausted, but her spirits are better. Andrea isn’t any better though. He still is holed up in Meredith’s house. She doesn’t want to push him or pressure him, but she knows something has to change. And it’s exhausting to think about that all the time.


“So, what’s next? Any ideas?” Carina wraps her hand around the inside of Maya’s arm as they exit the restaurant.

Maya shrugs. “I thought we could have a nice little stroll back to my apartment.”

“Lead the way.”

They spot a runner in bright neon colors. And Maya comments on how they look like they stepped right out of the 80s.

“I kind of like it.” Carina comments. “It’s fun and bright and nobody will miss spotting them or run into them or anything.”

“I had an outfit like that once.”

“Recently?” Carina would love to see this outfit.

Maya shakes her head. “I was four or five. A total snot of a kid. I hated it.”

“It couldn’t have been that bad.”

“Oh, it was.” Maya presses her lips tight together trying to decide if she should go on or just drop the subject right there. She could drop it and Carina wouldn’t be the wiser. But- “You know Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?”

“The what?” Carina stops on the sidewalk and glances at Maya with a little curious tilt to her head.

“It’s a musical. But that’s not the point. It’s the story of Joseph from the Bible.”

Carina nods. “That, I’m familiar with.”

Maya grins. “That’s not the point either.”

“Then what’s the point.” Carina bites her lip around her smile. “Why do you bring up Joseph?”

“It’s his coat. Of multi colors.”

“I’m so lost Maya.”

Maya puts her hand on top of Carina’s that is on her arm. “Come on. I’ll show you.”

They pick back up their walk. “Where are we going?”

“Home.” Maya mumbles. She looks left and then right before crossing the street. “My dress wasn’t bright neon colors, per say, but it was multi colors. I called it my Amazing Technicolor Dreamdress. Like Joseph’s coat.”

“I thought you hated it.”

“I did. Well, I didn’t. I liked the pattern. It was all these different sized squares of different colors. I hated that it was a dress.” She smirks. “That I was forced to wear it. I was at a stage where I was rebelling and wanted to make my own decisions on what I was going to wear for the day.”

“I bet you made it look adorable though.” Carina teases.

“Oh, shut up.” Maya rolls her eyes. “It was for my Preschool Graduation.”

“You had a Preschool Graduation?”

“Oh, yes. It was a very serious ordeal. A bunch of four year old’s dressed up in the latest early 90’s fashion. Wait til you see it.” Maya says with a little giddy smile.

“See what? The dress? You still have it?”

“God, no. The video. I have a VHS tape of my Preschool Graduation.” She looks up at Carina with a smile in her eyes. “I can’t believe I’m even admitting this or going to show it to you.” No one has seen that video. No one outside of her family. And, of course, the other kids that were in her Preschool class that probably have a copy somewhere too.

Carina glances over at Maya. She doesn’t know what to think or even say. “I can’t wait then.”

Maya hums. “Come on.” She’s eager to get home now as a strange feeling sits in her belly. Excitement. Anticipation. Where usually she would be embarrassed to show someone a video like her Preschool Graduation, she’s nothing but excited to show it to Carina. “You can’t tell anyone else this video exists though.”

Carina crosses over her heart with her index finger. “So, what happens in this video?”

“We sing and do skits. And get our diplomas.”

“Of course.” Carina nods.

“I make the introduction speech.”

“Oh, dio mio.” Carina sighs. “How precious.”

Maya raises an eyebrow and glances at Carina. “Don’t say that. You haven’t seen it yet.”

They make it back to Maya’s apartment and Maya runs through to her bedroom and goes straight for the closet for the box that the tape is in.

“I’ll just make myself at home.” Carina calls after her with a small chuckle. The excitement in Maya is cute and adorable and childlike. It’s not something Carina has seen before. A rather giddy Maya.

“Yeah, sure babe. Do whatever. Maybe get us a snack. I think there’s some of that cheap boy scout popcorn in one of the cupboards from when they came by the station, and I was practically strong armed into buying multiple boxes. That was months ago, and I think there’s still a full box left. It’s not the best and I probably shouldn’t even eat it. My dad wouldn’t like it if he knew I ate it. It’s just there and sometime- like if I’m watching a movie- here it is.” Maya pulls the video tape out of the box. She runs her thumb over the white sticker that was printed specifically for the tape that says: Preschool Graduation. May 1993. “I found it.” She yells and turns around.

Maya is surprised to see Carina standing in the bedroom door, leaning against the frame with her arms folded loosely over her chest. “What?” The grin on Carina’s face makes Maya a little self-conscious. “Did you find the popcorn?”

Carina giggles. “We’ve been here like two seconds.” She steps into the room. “You are very cute right now. I like the excited energy.”

Maya thinks about saying that she’s cute all the time but that’s not something Maya would say out loud. Ever. She hums and steps past Carina. An arm hooks around her waist though bringing Maya to a halt. “Not so fast.” She pulls Maya into her side and they both look down at the video tape in Maya’s hand. “Do you even have anything that plays that?”

“Si.” Maya grins. She knows Carina will get a kick out of that.

Carina’s eyes roll back in her head. “Maya Bishop.” She practically purrs.

“It’s old but I kept it.” She knew she had some tapes and that she wanted to keep the old DVD player/VCR player. Maya never imagined that this would be the reason she would be getting it out and dusting it off. “Do you want me to get the popcorn or do you want wine or something else?”

“We just ate dinner.”

“I know.” Maya frowns.

“Do you have any wine?” Carina asks. She’s never seen wine at Maya’s place the other times that she’s been here.

“Yes, I bought some because-“

“Because?”

Maya looks down at the tape in her hand again. She takes a deep breath. “Because of you.” It sounds so simple when she says it but feels like so much more than that. Because while it is simple, it’s so much. The feelings she has for Carina are so so much. They aren’t simple but somehow everything ends up being simple. Maya knows it doesn’t make any sense but that’s how she feels.

Carina kisses her then, surprising Maya. “I’ll get the wine and you get this-“ She taps at the tape with a fingernail. “-all ready.”

Maya nods and Carina releases her. They both do their respective tasks. Carina comes over to the couch with two glasses of wine. She sets them down on the coffee table and goes back for the bottle. She knows they will be consuming the entire bottle tonight.

Maya gets everything set up. “Ready?” She turns back to look at Carina who is sitting on the couch with her legs tucked up underneath herself. She nods. “Okay.” Maya takes a deep breath and pushes the VHS tape into the VCR.

The video quality is subpar for the standard nowadays but back in 1993 it was state of the art. The grainy video starts and it’s just an image of the crowd of parents. And then some music starts, and a row of little kids walk up the middle aisle from the back of the room.

Maya sits down right next to Carina and reaches forward for her glass of wine. “Can you guess which one is me?”

Carina wraps her arm around Maya’s shoulders and leans into her. It takes her a minute, but Carina spots a tiny Maya Bishop walking up to the front of the room amongst the rest of her class. “Dio mio, your dress.”

“I told you.” Maya takes sip from her wine glass. She spots her parents in the crowd as the camera person pans the camera to the front of the room where the kids are getting lined up. One row of about seven kids in the front row seated on chair, one row of kids standing behind them, and then a third row of kids, standing on chairs, behind them.

“That seems dangerous.” Carina refers to the kids standing on top of chair in the back row.

“It was the 90s. Kids did dangerous stuff back then.”

“True. We would play in the street. Run out of the way when a car came flying by on our tiny little street. That would never happen in most places today.”

“We just had to be home by the time the street lights came on. I don’t think my parents knew where I was half the time.” Maya tells of her early childhood. She got to play outside and run around until a certain age. Then things became serious when she was about ten or eleven years old. Serious about running and track and training. There’s wasn’t time to ‘play outside’. She wasn’t little kid anymore. Maya needed to get serious about life and what she wanted to do and wanted to accomplish. All with her father’s help, of course.

The kids all get settled and then the teacher places a microphone stand. A tiny Maya Bishop hops off of her chair in the back row and sways up to the front where the little microphone is. Her colorful dress on full display. The solid squares of purple and orange and pink and yellow make it stand out amongst all the other children’s clothing.

“You’re so cute. That dress is amazing.” Carina eyes are glued to the tv watching a little Maya Bishop. Her blonde hair and colorful dress front and center on the screen now.

“The Amazing Technicolor Dreamdress.”

“Yeah, that.”

Little Maya looks around the room, then at the teacher.

“Were you nervous?”

“I don’t know.” Maya doesn’t even remember that day. The only reason she knows it happened is because there is video evidence.

“Welcome to our program.” Little Maya speaks way too loudly into the microphone. She looks around again to see if what she said was okay. “Thank you all for coming.” She nearly shouts into the microphone again.

“Oh. Oh, Maya.” Carina sighs, squeezing her arm tighter around Maya.

“I knew how to work a crowd.” Maya jokes. “Clearly.”

“Clearly.”

Little Maya walks back to her chair, her loose dress swaying in the motion that her little body creates.

“Look at that swagger.” Carina chuckles.

“I don’t think it’s swagger.” Maya shakes her head. “I think it’s just me being awkward.”

The kid’s start singing a goofy little song and after the song is finished a boy and girl come up to her front and put on wigs and hats and pretend to be an old man and woman.

“What’s on the back of that kid’s neck?” Carina wonders.

“It’s a rat tail. Was that never a thing in Italy?” She looks away from the tv screen over at her girlfriend. Carina has a bit of a perplexed look at the thought of rat tails.

“I don’t know.” Carina has no idea what a rat tail is.

“There’s a couple kids with rat tails in here. One of the many fashion fails we have to witness.” Maya turns back to the video.

“I don’t know if it’s a fashion fail but it’s a poor choice in judgement. These are little kids. They didn’t decide to grow a rat tail. And for it to be that long. Look at that thing. It’s past his shoulders. It had to have been growing the kid’s whole life practically.”

Maya laughs softly. “You’re probably right about that.”

“Oh, what are we doing now?” Carina leans forward in her seat as she watches the teacher pass out wooden dowels to the kids. “Are those drum sticks?”

“This is my favorite part. And no.” Maya grins conspiratorially.

“Why? Does a fight break out cuz one kid hits another with those sticks? What were these people thinking? Standing on chairs, giving kids weapons.” Carina clicks her tongue before taking a big gulp of her wine.

The song starts and the kids play along to the words of the song. First, pointing their dowels down at the ground when the ‘singer’ says the word down. And then lifting the dowels back up and crossing them, making a collective clanking noise as everyone hits their dowels together as he says the word cross. Then the singer instructs the kids to bow down.

All the kids bow, bending at the waist. Except for one kid. Maya.

Little Maya sort of leans forward a little and just bows her head. All the other kids are bent over half way from the waist and Maya sticks up like a sore thumb, just basically looking down at the floor.

“What was that?” Carina whispers.

Maya holds her hand over her mouth to try to suppress a laugh that is bubbling up. “Nothing.”

“Do you not know how to bow?”

“I know how to bow.” Maya defends.

“Did little Maya not know how to bow?”

Maya shrugs. That might have been true. In all honest, Maya has no idea what was going on in little Maya’s head at the time or why she refused to bend at the waist and bow properly.

The song continues on. The kids point their dowels at the floor and then cross them and then bow again. But, again, little Maya sort of just ducks her head.

“Oh my gosh.”

Maya is laughing now. She can’t help it.

The song goes on and they go through the motions again. At the floor, crossed, bow down. Little Maya doing the same head duck while every other kid is bent at the waist.

Maya is laughing so much that she’s shaking next to Carina.

“Does this keep happening?”

All Maya can do is nod.

“How many times?”

“Like si-six.” Maya laughs. She has to put her wine glass on the table, she’s shaking so much. “It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and I’m the one doing it.”

Carina watches the video play as the kids do the same thing over and over and over. She chuckles a little but is too mesmerized by little Maya to really laugh. “What even is that?”

“I don’t know.” Maya says in between laughter. “It’s so awful. But it’s so funny.”

“You’re the star, Maya.” Carina pulls Maya closer and presses a kiss to her cheek.

“I’m not the star. I’m just an idiot.” She wipes tears from the corners of her eyes as the song ends and she lets out a slow unsteady breath. “It gets me every time.”

“How many times have you watched this?”

Maya freezes at that. “Not many. I watched it after I won my Gold Medal. I watched it after I graduated from the fire academy. And when I graduated from high school, I think.”

Carina hums. That’s interesting information.

“To see how far I had come.” Maya tries to explain her reasoning in watching the video.

“Well, I hope you learned to bow properly before you graduated high school and won Gold and graduated fire school.”

“It’s not fire school.” Maya frowns. “And yes, I did.”

“Oh, bella. I know. The fire academy.” She rubs her thumb of the arm that she still has around Maya’s shoulder against Maya’s opposite cheek. “Can you show me?”

“Show you what?”

Carina is messing with her. “That you know how to bow.” She smirks into her wine glass.

Maya folds her arms over her chest with a huff.

They watch most of the rest of the video in silence. Carina makes little comments here or there. Maya tells her which kids when total heathens and which kids were tolerable and which kids were her friends.

“That one girl on the end seems like she could be anywhere else. She keeps yawning and she’s not sitting very lady like.” The girl in question sits on her chair with her legs spread wide open in a skirt. She has white tights on so it’s not super scandalous.

“That’s Diane. She’s always been rather unbothered by most things. It’s just the way she is. Or always has been.”

“Are you still in touch with her?”

“Oh. No.” Maya shakes her head. “Her younger sister dated my brother for a little while.”

“Really?”

“It wasn’t anything. They were like ten.” Maya thinks back to that time. “But we all had to have these weird family gatherings with my family and her family. They had ferrets. I didn’t like it.”

“Ferrets are like nicer rats, right?” Carina is trying to remember if the word that Maya is using is matching up with the animal in her brain.

“Right. But they usually smell.”

Carina hums.

They watch a skit of the big bad wolf and I’m a little teapot. There’s a song about a robin in the rain that the kids sing. And at one point they all get up and get in a circle and shuffle around and the boys bow down to their girl partners. Then the diplomas are handed out.

The video ends and Maya rolls her head along the back of the couch, looking over at Carina. “What did you think?”

“I think you are very cute. I love the dress. Your presence is amazing. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I’m not just saying that. You seemed to draw attention to yourself even when you weren’t in the spotlight.”

“It’s just the dress. It pulls your eye.”

“Maybe.” Carina smiles bashfully.

“What?”

“Can you rewind to the bow down part again?” Carina wants to be able to laugh like Maya did. She needs a laugh. She needs to feels something happy.

“Okay.”

Maya rewinds and they watch that part again, laughing the entire time, rolling around in laughter, until they are laying on the couch.

“Hello.” Carina looks down at Maya.

Maya’s cheeks ting pink with all the attention Carina focuses on her. “Hi.” She whispers and looks away.

Carina tilts her face back with a finger on Maya’s chin. “Little Maya is absolutely adorable.”

“I’m glad you thought so. It would have been embarrassing if I showed you that video and you thought it was stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. You’re not stupid.”

Maya sighs, trying to let the words sink in. Carina always knows what to say to her to assuage her anxieties.

“Now do I get to see little Carina?”

Carina hums. “I might have some photos of when I was a kid back at my apartment but nothing like this video. This is extraordinary.”

“I’d like to see those photos.” Maya mumbles.

“Sure, bella.” Carina sighs. She lays her head on Maya’s shoulder. “Can we just lay here?” Carina feels tired now.

“Absolutely.” Maya runs her hands up and down Carina’s back slowly. “Anything you want?"

They lay in silence for a few minutes. Maya wonders about Carina’s day. She asked her about work during dinner, but she knows there’s more going on than just work. “Carina?”

Carina hums, letting Maya know that she’s listening and that she can ask her question. “How’s Andrew today?” It’s not something Maya really wants to bring up. She knows it makes Carina sad. And mad and frustrated and Maya is sure other emotions that Carina doesn’t even know or realize or has even brought up.

Carina sighs and tightens her grip around Maya. “Non lo so.”

Maya hums. “He’s not at work?”

“No.”

“He’s still at Meredith’s?” Maya asks next.

“Si.”

Maya sighs and sets her palm on the back of Carina’s head, her other arm around her back, holding her gently. “Do you know what you want to happen?”

Carina nods against Maya’s shoulder. “I want to have a convention. Get Dr. Bailey and Dr. Grey on board maybe even Andrea’s mandated therapist.

“An intervention.”

“Ah, si.” Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder and looks her in the eyes. “I know he won’t listen to me alone. But maybe if we get some of the people that he is closest with that will make him see that we just want him to get some help. I think maybe Dr. Webber should be there too because they’ve become close with Richard’s illness. But I’m not sure because he just had surgery.”

“All you can do is ask. If he not up for it, then he not up for it.”

Carina nods and lays her head back on Maya’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“For what?” It always amazes Maya that Carina is always thanking her for something.

“For asking about my fratellino. For remembering. For caring.”

Maya scoffs. “Like I would forget. And I care about what’s happening with him because I care about what’s happening with you.”

“Lo so.” Carina sighs and nuzzles her nose against the side of Maya’s neck.

“How do you want to end date night?” Maya changes the subject to something lighter.

Instead of using any words, Carina presses her lips to the spot behind Maya’s ear. She then takes Maya’s earlobe between her teeth, tugging on it a little before letting it go.

“Are you sure?” Maya asks.

Carina pushes herself up onto her elbows so that she is hovering above Maya from the waist up. She looks down and can see the question in Maya’s eyes.

She can’t do it. Carina shakes her head and collapses on top of Maya again. “No.” She whispers. She just doesn’t have the energy, the enthusiasm, the right frame of mind.

Whereas in the past, Carina might have used sex as a distraction, as a catalyst to something else, as a way to feel something other than negative or bad thoughts and emotions; she can’t do that with Maya. She can’t do that anymore with Maya because at one point she did. She used Maya to feel a certain way, as a distraction.

But now, sex with Maya is intimate, it’s sacred, it’s about them and it should only be about them. No outside influences, no outside factors, no distractions.

“Okay.” Maya rubs her back some more.

“I want to.” Carina taps her fingers on her right hand against Maya’s arm. “I just- can’t.”

“I know. It’s okay.” Maya gets it. She really goes. She’s not really in the mood either. “We can just go to bed. If you want.”

“Si. Please.”

“Okay.” Maya releases her hold around Carina, letting her get up but Carina doesn’t move. “Am I going to have to carry you?”

Carina pushes herself onto her elbows again, an amused expression on her face. “Is that something you could do? Like physically?”

Maya shrugs. She’s pretty sure she could if she had to. “I mean, I don’t want to have to put it to practical use but if I absolutely had to, I’m sure I could.”

“Maya.” Carina sighs, completely enthralled with the thought of Maya carrying her around the apartment.

Maya chuckles. “Come on. Get up.” She pats Carina on the side.

Carina sits up and then back on her heels.

Maya smirks and swings her legs off the edge of the couch. She puts her hands on the edge of the couch cushion. “I’ll race you to the bed.”

It gets a little playful smile from Carina. A goal of Maya’s. Carina shakes her head. “No, you wouldn’t.”

Maya raises a challenging eyebrow. “Wouldn’t I?”

They both know Maya would.

Carina sits like Maya. “Okay.”

“One, two, three.” Maya counts. “Go.”

They both jump up and run around each end of the couch. Maya gets to the bedroom door first, so Carina jumps on her back to slow her down. It doesn’t get Carina into the lead, but it does get both of them flopping down onto the bed.

“You cheated.” Maya whines.

“How did I cheat? You still won.” Carina rolls off of Maya.

“You were on my back.” She can’t believe Carina doesn’t see that as cheating.

“But you still won. Technically.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Fine. Should we change?”

Carina nods and bites her lip. She watches as Maya gets off the bed and goes to her dresser and pulls some sleep clothes out for both of them. She’s come to like the domesticity that they’ve fallen into. Especially at bed time. All the small things. Sleeping together, changing together, sharing clothes. The fact that Maya has a half a draw in her dress where she keeps things for Carina. A few shirts and shorts, undergarments. She thinks she might really like sharing things with Maya. More than just a drawer, or clothes, or the bed. It’s not the first time she’s thought this either. Carina has thought about what it might be like if they shared a space more than just a few nights a week.

“What?” Maya turns around to catch Carina watching her, biting her lip, with a strange little twinkle in her eye.

Carina shakes her head. “Nothing.” She holds her hand out. “Come.” She gets Maya to move back across the room to her with a flick of her wrist.

Chapter 13

Notes:

Ok so about the last chapter. That whole preschool thing actually happened. I was that kid who couldn't or wouldn't bow. Anyway...

Here is the spaghetti dinner (deep breath) and the aftermath while Carina deals with getting Andrew treatment.

Mentions of abuse.

Chapter Text

 “Maya.” Carina sighs. She takes a step towards Maya and takes her hand. She puts her other hand on Maya’s back, rubbing it.

“Come with me to my next therapy session.” Katherine pleads

“I beat it the next time.” She smiles smugly. “Ya know, I agree. YOU need therapy. But I’m good.” Maya pulls her hand out of Carina’s hand hold and stomps off.

Carina is a bit taken back by the outright denial of abuse from Maya. She’s spoke a little with Katherine about what she was doing at the station while they were setting up the tables. Katherine said she was trying to get Maya to see the truth about her dad. Carina didn’t know it was such a serious truth until now.

Carina and Katherine stand there awkwardly. Carina shifts. “So, uh-“

Katherine looks down at her feet. “She needs some time to process this. She must know that he is abusive. Right?” She looks back up and over at Carina.

Carina stares at Katherine with wide eyes. She’s not sure what she’s supposed to say. “I- I don’t know. Sometimes it’s not very clear. Like someone doesn’t see something as abuse.”

Katherine nods. “Well, should we continue, or do you think Maya would be mad if we did?”

Carina looks over her shoulder, in the direction that Maya went. She wants to go find her. She wants to talk to her. She wants to see if Maya is alright. But Katherine just said that Maya needs time to process this. And she is Maya’s mother so she must know how Maya would handle this sort of thing. Carina is relatively new at this thing with Maya.

“Let’s continue.” Carina wants to help even though Maya told them that she doesn’t want their help and that she never asked for it. “Should we go see if they need help in the kitchen?”

Katherine nods.

They finish setting up and getting all the food prepared and cooked. The guests start arriving and forming a line. Vic lets them in, and everyone starts getting a plate and eating. Carina gets a plate of spaghetti and sits next to Katherine at a table in the corner of the room.

“I’d say this is a success.”

“Me too. I’m curious though?” Katherine sort of waves her fork at Carina.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t want to sound rude or be rude. Your accent is?”

“Italian.” Carina smiles.

“That’s what I thought. But I’m not very cultured and I wasn’t sure. That’s so cool. So, you live here now?”

Carina nods. “I’ve lived in Seattle for a few years. My brother is here. We’re both doctors.”

“Wow. Impressive.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Carina smiles kindly.

“Do your parents not think so?”

Carina twirls some spaghetti around on her fork. “My mamma has passed but she was very impressed and proud of her children. My father, on the other hand, we’ll it’s complicated.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. The men in our lives can be difficult sometimes.”

“He just doesn’t think my specialty is very honorable or worthy or even something that needs to be a specialty because and I quote ‘it’s something women have been doing since the beginning of time’.”

Katherine wrinkles up her face at that.

“I deliver babies.”

“Oh.” Katherine nods. “I see.”

“So, yeah.” Carina pushes her chair back. “Excuse me.” Talking about her father has made her think of something. She walks through the crowd of people, out of the truck bay, and into the hall. She knows Maya is in her office. Andy let Carina know that she was before they opened up the dinner to the public. The lights are off, it’s dark, she opens the door, not bothering to knock.

She sees Maya sitting there, arms folding over her chest, face red and puffy because she’s been crying. She hates to see it, but she knows that it’s probably necessary.

She explains how she loves her dad and how he’s not okay and how he did things that were abusive. Maya can’t even look at her when Carina goes over to squat near Maya’s desk. She speaks of denial and Maya yells at her that she isn’t in denial.

Carina walks out of the room. She knows Maya needs some space right now. She knows that Maya raising her voice isn’t about her. It isn’t about Carina saying that Maya is in denial. It isn’t about that, and she knows that, but it still stings a little.

She sees now, with talking to Maya’s mom what her father has put Maya through. Maya would only talk about him in bits and pieces to Carina. Nothing was ever flat out like hey this is what he did. But Carina sees now. The thing is that Maya doesn’t see it. Carina knows. She’s lived it. She experienced it with her own father.

She goes back out to the dinner and sits with Maya’s mom.

“How is she?” Katherine whispers.

Carina shakes her head. “Not good.” She twirls some spaghetti around on her fork before bringing it to her lips.

“I knew she would act this way. She loves him. She does everything to please him. She looks up to him. She-“ Katherine shakes her head and sighs. “It took me a long time to see it. It took me even longer to work up the courage to leave him.” Her hands start shaking as she speaks. Carina notices and takes Katherine’s right hand in her own. “I’m okay.” She breaths out a long slow breath. “It’s a lot. To realize you’ve been abused. And the way it happened. It’s not the obvious kind of abuse.”

“No, it’s not.” Carina agrees.

They sit a table away from everyone else, tucked away in the corner, so they can have this private conversation.

“Just give her some time.” Carina says. She’s sure Maya will figure this out and come around. Maya is smart, so smart. She’ll figure it out.

They finish their meals and Dr. Bailey comes over to say goodbye to Carina.

“We’re going to take off. I just wanted to say that the dinner was amazing. Tell Maya she did a fabulous job.”

Carina nods. “I will.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s got some administrative stuff that she needs to take care of in her office.” Carina lies.

“Oh, well. Too bad. Hopefully she gets a chance to eat something.” Miranda says with a smile. “I’ll see you.” She puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder as she walks away.

Carina presses her lips together in a tight smile.

“Maybe you should make up a plate and bring it to her.” Katherine suggests.

“I don’t think she wants to see me right now.” Carina hangs her head. She just wants to be there for Maya, but Maya made it clear that she doesn’t want that.

“Even so.” Katherine shrugs. She’s not sure who Carina is, really, but she’s seen the way the woman and her daughter interacted today in their brief time together. It’s clear that they are close and that Maya trusts Carina.

Carina pushes herself up from her seat and takes her plate and Katherine’s and disposes of them. She gets a clean plate for Maya and gets some salad and then spaghetti and a little piece of garlic bread. She grabs a fork at the end of the table and with a deep breath heads towards Maya’s office again.

She knocks on the door before opening it. She can see the top of Maya’s head, her chair turned away from the door. “I brought you something to eat. I know you don’t feel like eating right now. And I know you don’t want to see me or talk to me right now. I’ll just leave this here.” She sets the plate on Maya’s desk. “Just eat, please, bella. I don’t want to see you in the hospital again.”

Carina doesn’t get a response from Maya, so she sighs and turns to leave.

The dinner was a success. Carina and Katherine wait around until the end to help clean up. Emmett is the one who is put in charge of the clean up as the probie. So, he joins Katherine and Carina. They work seamlessly in getting the barn back in order, all the tables folded up, and everything put away.

“So, you’re Maya’s mom.” Emmett asks. They’ve established this already. It’s just a conversation starter. “And you’re Maya’s?” He looks to Carina.

“I’m Dr. Carina DeLuca.” Carina says. She doesn’t want to say anything out of turn. She also doesn’t want to say anything in front of the new guy or Maya’s mom that Maya doesn’t want her to say. She knows how these things work sometimes.

“I know that. But why are you here?” Emmett wonders in his dopey innocent way.

“I came to support the station and the cause and because I’m Italian and we can’t turn down an Italian meal.”

Emmett frowns at that. He knows something isn’t adding up, but he knows not to say anything about it either. “Nevermind.” He grabs the stack of folded table clothes and walks off to put them back in the supply closet.

“Why are you here?” Katherine questions, turning to Carina. There’s not malicious intent behind the question. Katherine is just curious.

Carina sighs.

“You were here earlier. Before the dinner started. Before even I got here. Long before anything even needed to be set up.” Katherine realizes all of these things for the first time. So much has happened today and she had so much on her mind that she really didn’t question what Carina has been doing hanging around the fire station all day.

“It’s my day off. I was going to come to the dinner anyway. I just thought I could lend a hand. It’s not a big deal, really.” She changes the topic. “It was nice to meet you, Katherine.” She puts a hand on the woman’s arm. “And it was nice talking to you. I don’t know too many of the firefighters here very well yet, but it was nice sitting with you at dinner. I had hoped to sit with Maya but-“ They both nod. “I’m going to go say bye to Maya before I leave. Have a nice rest of your evening.”

“I’ll try. Thank you, dear.” Katherine looks at Carina curiously. There’s something about the woman that she likes. Maybe it’s her polite, kind nature or maybe it’s something else.

Carina nods at her with a tight-lipped smile. She turns and walks over to Maya’s office. Her back straight and her posture rigid. She’s not sure what she’s going to find when she walks in this time. She expects the cold shoulder again. Carina knocks and goes in.

“I just came to grab my jacket and my wallet.” She says in explanation. She goes into Maya’s bunk. She picks her jacket up off the bed and puts it on. She takes the wallet from the bed as well and holds it in front of her with two hands as she goes back into the office. She stands at the side of Maya’s desk.

Maya is looking down at some paperwork on her desktop. The plate that had the food on it sits empty on the corner of the desk. She has just been staring at the paperwork for the last thirty minutes not actually doing it.

“Are you even going to saying anything or look at me?” Carina says in frustration.

She sees Maya’s face twitch, her hands curls into balls.

“I’m glad you ate something but Maya it’s not healthy to keep that anger and rage locked up inside.” Carina reminds her.

“I know that.” Maya growls.

“Okay.” Carina reaches out to pick up the plate. “Will I see you tomorrow?” Maya is off work tomorrow. Carina has to work but usually they will meet up at the end of Carina’s workday.

She doesn’t get a response, so she picks up the plate and is ready to leave. Carina walks to the door and looks over her shoulder, back at Maya once more, giving her one last chance. But Maya sits there, stoic, unmoving. Carina frowns and leaves.


She usually comes to the hospital and spends most of her time in the ER dropping off a patient, so she’s still getting used to the layout of the whole building. She knows where Carina’s office is but sometimes everything looks the same; and if you’re not paying attention and in your own head like Maya is right now, it’s easy to get turned around.

Maya turns the corner and realizes that she made a wrong turn. She goes back to the nurse’s station and heads in the correct direction of Carina’s office. She gets there and it’s dark and the door is locked.

She goes back to the floor and stops at the nurse’s station. “Would you happen to know where Dr. DeLuca is, Carina?” She smiles kindly, hoping the woman behind the desk will assist her.

“Do I know you? You look familiar.”

Maya’s smile widens. “You’ve probably seen me around here before. I’m Captain Maya Bishop.”

Recognition comes across the nurse’s face. “Oh, right. The hot firefighter that Dr. DeLuca is seeing.”

“That would be me. Unless there’s another hot firefighter that she’s dating.” Maya jokes.

“No. Just you.” The woman says seriously, clearly not getting the joke.

“Uh-“ Maya looks around nervously. “Could you tell me where she is?”

“She’s gone.”

Gone.

Maya thinks that’s a strange choice of word to use. “What do you mean gone?”

“What’s in the bag?” The nurse asks.

Maya looks down at the little brown paper bag that she’s forgotten about in her left hand. The nurse clearly didn’t hear the question that Maya had asked. “A croissant. What do you mean gone?”

“Oh.” The nurse looks around and then leans forward across the top of the desk so she can whisper to Maya. “I heard she had to leave cuz her brother lost it. They’re taking him to treatment.” The nurse leans back. “She took the rest of the day off.” She says it as if it’s nothing.

“He’s sick. He has an illness.” Maya says sternly. She doesn’t like how the nurse just flippantly referred to Andrew’s disease as him ‘losing it’.

“Right.” The nurse goes back to her computer screen now that she’s given Maya the information that she knows.

“So, she’s gone?”

“That’s what I said.” The nurse nods without looking at Maya.

Maya’s grip on the pastry bag tightens, she crumples the top. “Damn it.” Maya grumbles.

The nurse’s eyes flicker from her screen to Maya and back to her screen. “She’ll be back tomorrow. If that’s what you’re worried about.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” Maya looks around. She’s starting to feel a little self-conscious now that she stands on the maternity floor like an idiot.

Maya thinks she should have come by the hospital earlier in the day, right when her shift finished maybe. But she needed time. She needed time to think of a plan and what to say. It’s not like she didn’t have enough time to think about it. She’s been thinking about what she is going to say to apologize to Carina since she left her office last night. But now, none of that matters. Well, it matters but there are larger issues that are happening right now.

Right now.

And Maya didn’t know that the ‘intervention’ was today. She didn’t know and she said she would be there. Maybe not there physically because that would be weird and uncomfortable for Andrew because they don’t really know each other. But she said she would be there for Carina for support. And she wasn’t and she’s not.

She’s standing in the middle of the maternity department with no idea where Carina is. She’s supposed to know. She’s supposed to be involved. And she’s not. All because she had to get mad about some stupid shit that her mother said that isn’t true. It didn’t help that Carina tried to convince her that she was in denial. Maya knows what denial is. She’s not in denial. About anything.

So here she is. Standing there like an idiot. She hasn’t heard anything from Carina all day or last night. She knows why? Cuz she was basically an asshole. But that doesn’t excuses her behavior. She never should have yelled at Carina. It’s not Carina’s fault. She shouldn’t have taken her anger out on her. She shouldn’t have let Carina leave her office without apologizing. She shouldn’t have not tried to contact until now.

And now what?

“Do you want this?” She mumbles to the nurse and sets the brown paper bag on the desktop.

The nurse narrows her eyes at Maya. “Are you sure?”

Maya shrugs. “Better than me just throwing it out.”

“Isn’t it for Dr. DeLuca?”

“It was but she’s not here.” Maya doesn’t know if she’s ever felt like such a failure. She said she was going to do something and didn’t do it. And not just anything. A huge thing. So now she has two things that she has to apologize for. She sighs.

“Okay.” The nurse snatches the bag and opens it up to look inside.

“Thanks for the info.” Maya waves her hand in the air lazily.

As Maya makes her way out of the hospital someone calls her name. “Maya.”

It’s Dr. Bailey.

Maya spins around, not really in the mood to chat.

Bailey rushes over to Maya. “I thought that was you. What are you doing here? I thought you would be with Carina.”

Maya sighs again. Another reminder of her failure. “I, uh, we had an argument last night. I guess she didn’t want me around at all today. I haven’t heard from her. She probably just wants to handle her family matter all on her own.” Maya thinks maybe if the tables were turned, she wouldn’t want someone butting into her family business. Hell, that’s basically what she told Carina last night.

Miranda hums. “I don’t know about that. She seemed rattled.”

“She is. Everything that’s going on with Andrew is taking a toll on her. She tries to put on a brave face at work and in public, but at home she’s just tired and exhausted and frustrated and sad.” Maya doesn’t even really realize what she’s saying. She’s just telling Miranda what she’s seen with Carina.

“Well.” Miranda is shocked to hear this from Maya. “You seem to know more about her than anyone else.”

Maya only nods at that.

“I don’t know what happened. The dinner was wonderful and a success, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Maya nods.

“As I was saying, I don’t know what happened-“

“I screwed up.”

“Let me finish.” Bailey narrows her eyes at Maya.

“Sorry.”

“Call her. Find her. Tell her you screwed up or whatever because that woman needs you right now. Suck up your own pride or whatever and focus on her for today. Worry about your own crap after this passes.”

Maya takes a deep breath. Dr. Bailey is correct. Then again, Dr. Bailey is almost always correct. “Thanks, Miranda.”

Miranda puts a hand on Maya’s elbow. “It’s Dr. Bailey when I’m at the hospital. You might be my husband’s boss but I’m the boss around here.”

Maya grins at that. “Got it.” She salutes Miranda.

“Now go.” She gives Maya an actual push. “They left hours ago. I’m sure Carina is home by now.”

Maya gets outside and brings her phone to her ear. It rings and rings and rings before going to voicemail. Maya starts walking. She hits call again. And again, it rings until it goes to voicemail. Maya huffs in frustration. She hopes that carina isn’t just ignoring her call. That would be worst case scenario right now. She’s hoping that Carina is just busy, or doesn’t have her phone right next to her, or is in the shower, or the phone is on silent. Anything but ignoring Maya’s calls.

She walks the few blocks to Carina’s apartment in five minutes. She pushes Carina’s apartment button and waits.

“Who is it?” Carina asks in a tired voice. Maya can almost imagine the matching look on the Italian’s face.

“It’s me. Let me in.” Maya practically demands.

“Are you here to yell at me?” Carina is frustrated with the blonde right now.

“No. I’m sorry. No. Now let me in.”

The door buzzes and Maya pulls it open. She runs up the stairs two at a time, she nearly knocks an old lady over at the top of the stairs. “Sorry ma’am.” She grabs onto her elbows.

“Where’s the fire?” The old lady says in a soft voice.

The joke is not lost on Maya but she’s in a hurry.

“Are you okay?” The old lady nods at Maya. “Okay. Good. Sorry I’m in a hurry to-“ Maya doesn’t need to explain anything to this stranger. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” She looks over her shoulder towards Carina’s apartment. She releases the woman’s elbows and the old lady stays standing upright, so Maya knows she’s good. “Okay.”

“Maya?” She hears Carina’s voice from down the hall.

“Bye.” Maya smiles at the old lady before spinning around and jogging down the hall.

“What are you doing to Mrs. Johnson?” Carina asks as Maya gets to her apartment door.

Maya tilts her head to the side. “I’m not doing anything to her.” She looks back down the hall at the old lady. She hasn’t moved from the spot that Maya left her in. Carina looks down the hall too, leaning into Maya and putting a hand on her shoulder for balance. “I bumped into her on my way up. That’s all. I was making sure she was alright.”

“You’re such an upstanding citizen, Maya Bishop.” Carina teases. That frustrating she had with Maya dissipated as soon as she saw Maya down the hall.

Maya snaps her head back around to look at Carina. She’s standing directly in front of her. She looks the woman up and down. “How are you?” Maya asks and puts her hand on Carina’s hip.

Carina’s eyes slowly shift to Maya’s from Mrs. Johnson. She looks into Maya’s eyes and sees the concern there. “I feel-“ She takes a deep breath. “-relieved.” She sighs. “I know that’s terrible to say.”

“No.” Maya shakes her head. “It’s not.” Maya looks back to Mrs. Johnson. “Let’s go inside.” She nods at Carina’s apartment. Carina takes a step backwards and Maya takes a step forward. Then another and another until they can close the door. “I feel it too.” And Maya does. She feels the relief wafting off of Carina. But she also feels relief knowing that the worst part is likely over, that everyone can move forward now, that things aren’t at a standstill regarding Andrew’s illness anymore. There’s a path forward now and it’s a relief to know that and to get to this point.

“Maya.” Carina sighs and collapses against her.

“I’ve got you.” She wraps her arms around Carina. “Let’s sit down.”

Carina nods but is no help in moving her body to the couch. Maya does most of the work.

“What happened?” Maya asks.

Carina shakes her head. “I didn’t know it was going to happen today but then Erin Banks came in and she wouldn’t talk to anybody but Andrea. Which was a good thing but at the same time I didn’t want him treating patients. He’s in a depressive state. He shouldn’t be anywhere near patients.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“So, while he was busy with that, I got Dr. Bailey and Dr. Grey together and we decided it was going to happen today. I went to get the therapist and Dr. Grey contacted Dr. Webber. They were all there.” Carina explains.

Maya puts her hand on Carina’s thigh. “I’m glad he has people to support him. You’re a good sister.”

Carina hangs her head. “He tried to fight it and argue it. And he eventually broke down. He said he has one goal in life. Not to be like papa. But he’s not. He’s so much better than papa. By getting treatment. That’s something papa has never done and will never do.”

Maya takes in a quick breath. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Carina looks over at Maya now for the first time since they’ve been seated. “I didn’t ask you to be.” She says with a sigh.

Maya shakes her head lightly. “No. I said I would do whatever it was that I could to help and then- then-“ She doesn’t want to have to bring up last night again. She doesn’t want to remind Carina that she yelled but she knows Carina is thinking about it. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I’m sorry I yelled at you. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know, bella.”

“And I’m sorry because of that you didn’t feel like you wanted me around today.”

Carina sighs. “It’s not that I didn’t want you around.”

“Isn’t it?” Maya gets a little defensive.

“Well, maybe a little. I would have called you eventually.”

“When?” The irritation is evident in Maya’s voice.

“Maya. Can we not?”

Maya takes a deep breath. Carina is right. Now is not the time to rehash what did or didn’t happen.

“You didn’t call me either.” Carina adds. “Or text. Or anything. Actually, how did you know?” The thought occurs to Carina now. Maya must have found out about Andrea from somebody, otherwise she wouldn’t be here.

Maya runs her hand through her hair, nervous to explain. “I went to the hospital. To find you. To apologize.”

“Oh.” So, Maya did reach out. It may have been much later than Carina would have liked.

“I talked to a nurse on your floor that said you weren’t there. And then I ran into Bailey on my way out. Then I came straight here. You didn’t answer your phone.”

Carina can see the worry on Maya’s face, even now, after she’s arrived and found Carina. “I put it on silent. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.”

“Even me?” Maya whispers.

Carina closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I’m glad you’re here. And you were right. It’s not that I didn’t want you around today but after last night. I didn’t feel- I didn’t know- it was a weird feeling. I don’t like that feeling with us.”

“I know. Me neither. And I’m sorry again. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I didn’t want you to feel like I was just casting you aside or disregarding you or anything like that. I know that I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. I shouldn’t have yelled. All you were was kind and gentle yesterday and I turned into an ugly yelling monster.”

Carina lays her head on Maya’s shoulder. “It would have been nice if you had been here today when I got home. Or that you knew what was going on and you could have come over after I got home. I guess that’s my fault. I wanted to rub it in your face?” Carina isn’t sure if that’s the right phrase. “About yesterday. Like if you didn’t want me around yesterday then I didn’t want you around today.” Carina gets more comfortable. She turns and brings her legs up on the couch, laying them across Maya’s thighs, turning sideways and leaning against Maya. “But that’s not true. I wanted you around today. I just felt hurt about yesterday.”

Maya sighs and nods. She finds Carina’s hands in her lap and wraps hers around them. “It’s not that I didn’t want you around yesterday. I always want you around. I just felt ambushed, I think. My mom and you. I just- it was too much.”

“Maya?”

“Yeah.”

“Baciami.” She can’t believe Maya hasn’t kissed her yet since she’s been here.

“Oh.” Maya looks into Carina’s eyes. Carina nods and smiles a little. Maya wasn’t sure the reception she was going to receive from Carina when she showed up at her apartment so she didn’t make any moves that might have gotten rejected.

Carina leans in, just centimeters from Maya’s face. She waits for Maya to connect their lips. When she does, Carina sighs into the kiss. Maya smiles into the kiss and tilts her head a little, getting a better angle, to give Carina a proper kiss.

Carina slips her palm up to the back of Maya’s neck, making sure she isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. She needs this. She needs Maya’s kisses, Maya’s soft affection, Maya’s attention.

They stay like that for a long few minutes, trading kisses, and smiles, and little smirks. Eventually, Carina sighs and rests her head on Maya’s shoulder.

“How did everything go?” Maya whispers.

Carina knows she means with Andrea. “Better than I expected. Honestly. I thought there would have been more of a fight. But I think a part of him was just done too. Which is good. I know it’s scary and that’s part of it but I’m proud of him.”

Maya hums. “What can I do?”

“What do you mean?” Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder and looks at her with wrinkled brow.

“Like now.” Maya rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t around today but what can I do? Now.” She waits for Carina to say something. There must be something Maya can do to help. Even if it’s just a little thing. “I can make something to eat. Have you eaten?” Maya suddenly feels like the tables have turned. She’s the one making sure Carina is eating and taking care of herself. “I could order something. Or could whip something up. What do you have in the kitchen? Or I could clean the kitchen if you aren’t hungry and need a little alone time to process. I could run out to the store too. I can clean and organize. I’m good at that.”

Carina shakes her head. “I’m good, bella. I just want you here. But maybe I should eat something soon.”

“Low blood sugar? Cuz I don’t need you passing out on me.” Maya smiles, a little joke.

“Well, if I do, I have a hot firefighter to resuscitate me.” They share a laugh. “I just haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast. It’s been a hectic day.”

Maya nods, understanding completely.

“Would you really clean my whole apartment for me?”

“In a heartbeat.” Maya nods eagerly.

“You’re a bit neurotic, you know that, right?”

Maya laughs. “Thanks, babe.” She runs her hand up and down Carina’s back mindlessly as she thinks about all the things she’d do for Carina and realizes that there’s likely nothing that she wouldn’t do. She distracts herself from that thought. “What should we do tonight? After we eat, of course.”

“I don’t know.” Carina sighs. She’s content with just sitting here with Maya.

“I know. Those pictures.”

Carina doesn’t know what Maya is talking about. “Oh.” Then it hits her.

“Little Carina. I bet you were the cutest kid.”

Carina hums. “I’m not so sure about that. I had wild frizzy wavy hair. I had skinny arms and legs. I looked like one of those stick figures with a full head of hair.”

“Can I see? Pleeeease?” Maya begs. “Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

“Okay. Okay.” Carina rolls her eyes. “But first you have to make me dinner.”

Maya laughs, full, hearty. “You got it, babe.” She gets Carina to move her legs so she can get up and make something to eat. She’s not sure when she turned into this domestic, caring, nurturing version of herself, but Maya finds it doesn’t bother her so much anymore. She used to think it was foreign and unnatural for her but now it’s just how it is.

She leaves Carina sat on the couch and starts rummaging through the cupboards for something to make. A sense of calm washes over Maya as she takes a deep breath. The day turned out completely different than she was expecting. Maya was so worried about apologizing for her bad behavior that she got lost in that and hadn’t even checked in with Carina and didn’t know what was going on with Andrew. She feels a little guilty about that, but knows that they are both a little bit at fault for not communicating better about yesterday’s events.

Maya’s minds flashes to yesterday, to the spaghetti dinner, to finding her mother and Carina talking and laughing when they returned from their call. She wonders what they were talking about. Maya thinks it was probably her. She being the common denominator between her mother and her girlfriend.

She’d ask Carina but Maya isn’t sure she wants to know what they were talking about.

“Do you need any help?” The question shakes Maya from her thoughts.

“No.” She gets a pan out. “I’ve got this. You stay there. Relax. Do you want some wine?”

Carina sighs. “No. Can I have a glass of water though?” She’s feeling a bit dehydrated. Maya brings her over a glass of water a few seconds later. Maya’s hand runs over her head, the back of her hair, over her shoulder. She presses a kiss to Carina’s forehead. Carina lifts her chin to look up at Maya and Maya presses a kiss to her lips. “Thanks.” She accepts the glass from Maya.

Maya hums. “I’ll let you know when dinner is ready.”

Chapter 14

Notes:

First and foremost, thank you thank you thank you for all the amazing comments and the kudos.

Second, so here we go. (slow deep breaths) I have had a lot of comments like ‘can you just skip the jack part/cheating part?’ No. I can not. While the show sort of glosses over it I think it is essential to maya’s character development and ultimately the development of their relationship. It forces maya to come head to head with her demons. That being said, it’s not easy to write. It’s emotionally heavy.

Here is what Carina does after Maya leaves. The aftermath of when she comes back. And the next few days that follow.

Mentions of abuse.

Chapter Text

“Then I think you should go.” Maya can’t handle this right now. She can’t handle Carina pushing her and trying to get her to admit something that isn’t true. She doesn’t know why the woman has to keep going on about this. She wishes Carina would just drop it already. First, it was talking to her mother that Carina wanted her to do. And now she wants to talk about abuse and denial again.

“What?” Carina snaps. “This is not how you handle a fight.”

Maya nods, agreeing.

“Maya, I-“ Carina could just say it. She could spit it out, but she knows that if she does right now that it will come back to bite her in the end. She could tell Maya that she loves her right here and now. But the fact that they are arguing will make Maya think she only said it because of that. Out of spite.

“-I’m here for you.” Carina says instead. “I’m not leaving.” She wants to make sure Maya knows that at least.

Maya pauses, almost short-circuiting. “Okay, Okay. I’m- I’m- I’m gonna.” She puts her hand on her chest. “I need- I need to run.” Figuratively. Literally. “So I’m gonna- gonna go on a run.”

Maya can barely get the words out. She feels like she is suffocating. Like her apartment is too crowded, too small. The anxiety rises in her throat as she throws her coat on. She doesn’t know where she’s going to go but Maya feels the need to run.

Carina spins around on her stool and watches in shock as Maya collects her things and leaves the apartment. She sits there for a moment after the door closes. She thinks it’s such an odd way to react. Maybe not for Maya, but for people in general. Who leaves their own apartment and leaves someone behind?

Carina frowns and looks down at the floor. Now what? She knows she shouldn’t have pushed Maya. She knows she shouldn’t have brought up the abuse again, but Carina believes you can’t just let stuff like that hang around and fester. She believes problems need to be dealt with head on.

She goes to the bedroom and gets Maya’s laptop. She thinks about watching a movie until Maya gets back. Or maybe putting on some calming music. Carina wants to be mad at Maya but something in her just can’t be. She wants to be there for her more.

Carina opens up the laptop and settles in bed and opens the browser history to see if there are any recent links to movies. What she finds instead are links to articles. One that reads ‘Most Romantic Places in Seattle.’

She smiles. “Maya Bishop.” The name is accompanied by a happy little sigh.

‘The Best Resturant for a Date.’

‘Most Beautiful Parks and Scenic Areas.’

Carina isn’t sure if Maya is planning something for them but by the looks of it the blonde has been doing some research. Carina looks at the bookmarks tab and finds bookmarks for different fires and the history of fire. Some are recent fires, but others go back over a hundred years.

She needs some soothing music. Carina opens up Spotify. She’s just looking for something to listen to. It doesn’t have to be anything specific. She’s looking over the page when something catches her eye. A playlist with her name as the title. Of course, she clicks on it.

The thought goes through her head that maybe she shouldn’t. That Maya wouldn’t want her look at or listening to this. But it’s not like Maya has ever restricted her from using her laptop before. Maya often has Carina use the laptop to look up a phrase or quote or search for a movie for them to watch or put on some music. But Carina has never seen this playlist before. It must have been added fairly recently.

There doesn’t seem to be one genre of music. It’s a mix. A number of different songs that are listed in alphabetical order by artist. Very Maya like. Some songs that Carina recognizes by name but most she doesn’t know. She thinks if she listens to them she might recognize them by ear rather than by name.

The first song is Alanis Morissette Head Over Feet. Carina has heard of Alanis but doesn’t know what song is which from her number of hits.

There is Let Me Take You Home Tonight by Boston. Carina knows she doesn’t know that song but smirks at the title alone.

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is on there about halfway down the playlist. That’s a song she knows and loves.

Carina starts at the top of the playlist and lets it run all the way to the bottom where the last song is She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer.

Some songs are love ballads, some are goofy upbeat pop songs, there are the romantic 80’s rock songs, and others that don’t seem to have any rhyme or reason as to why they are in the playlist.

Carina listens to the songs as she reads about the Great Seattle Fire, the worst fire in Seattle history. A fire that had started accidentally by an overturned glue pot in a carpentry shop.

She ends up spending over two hours reading about fires, and explosions, and the worst fires in Seattle history and the deadliest fires. The playlist playing in the background the entire time.

A break is needed. Carina rubs her eyes as they are fatigued from staring at the laptop screen for so long. She looks around the bedroom and wonders when Maya is going to be back. Two hours is a long time for a run, unless Maya went and entered a marathon. She has called and texted Maya a few times but doesn’t want to bother or bug the woman too much. She knows Maya is irritated and on edge. Carina knows she can be annoying and pushy and overbearing sometimes. Andrea has told her that more than once. She doesn’t want to be that way with Maya. She doesn’t want Maya to resent her the way Andrea sometimes does.

She sighs and runs her hands through her hair. Carina gets up and goes to get a snack. She brings her phone with her to the kitchen. She goes through all of Maya cupboards and finds some peanut butter. There is jam and bread in the fridge, so she makes a sandwich. She eats her sandwich at the kitchen island before going to get the laptop and resuming her fire reading at the island.

Carina reads a few more articles before she starts yawning. She switches to watching some episodes of Friends. She realizes about halfway through the first episode that she’s seen it already, but Carina doesn’t really care. She brings her feet up onto the stool and finishes the episode before she hops off the stool and brings the laptop back to the bedroom and plugs it in.

She uses the bathroom and is starting to think about leaving. She thought Maya would be back by now. She has no idea where she went or what could be taking her so long. Carina tries not to worry about it as she goes to sit in a different spot in the apartment. On the little bench at the end of the hall. It’s a cute little corner with a cute little orchid plant. And she cuddles up there.


Maya runs. It doesn’t work.

She goes to the station and starts working out. It doesn’t work.

She goes into her office to catch up on some paperwork. It doesn’t work.

Nothing works to get rid of the feeling that Maya currently has. She’s on edge. She yelled at Andy about how she is grieving.

Jack comes in and starts talking about Andy and Sullivan and Pruitt. She starts yelling at him and he yells right back at her. Both of them arguing about their daddy issues. Maya grabs a fistful of his shirt and looks at him for a second before kissing him.

In bed, after their angry hook up, Maya admits to Jack that she is broken. He says they both are.

Gross. That’s how Maya feels. Sick to her stomach and gross. And maybe that’s the point. That feeling that she had earlier is gone, replaced with this gross, sick feeling. So, in a way, having sex with Jack worked. She did that. She did that to herself.

Maya has never been one to feel shame or embarrassment about her sexual encounters. Until now. She’s never experienced the ‘walk of shame’. But her walk home is filled with nothing but disgust and regret. She just wants to get home, shower, and go to bed. Maya wants to just forget that today ever happened. It was bad from the very beginning. No, the beginning was great, when she woke up in bed with Carina and they had amazing morning sex. That was great but things went downhill from that point.

She thinks about stopping somewhere to get something to eat. Her mind wanders back to earlier in the day when she was chopping vegetables. She wonders if Carina put everything away after she left. She wonders what Carina did after she left. She wonders how long she waited to see if Maya returned before she left the apartment too.

She skips the food and just heads home.

Maya opens the door. It’s quiet. She looks left, not seeing anything. And then she looks right. There she is. Sitting at the end of the hall. Carina is there still.

She hasn’t thought about this part yet. Well, she did. She thought about Carina, but she hasn’t thought about how she was going to tell Carina or explain this to her. She needed time to figure that out. But she doesn’t have time as Carina is sitting there giving her a small wave and a pinched smile.

And she doesn’t know what to say or how to explain it. Does she even say anything or just keep it a secret?

“I thought you left.” Maya had hoped Carina had left. She might not have returned home if she knew Carina was still here.

“I- I- I almost did. But then I thought you might need-“

“I don’t need anything except space.”

“I can see that you’re pushing me away and I wanna give you space-“

“So give me space.” Maya’s not sure why she’s saying what she’s saying but she is. Everything is so mixed up right now.

“I understand that you’re going through a lot and I- I’m trying not to be mad at you but-“

“Well, I just slept with Jack an hour ago so be mad at that.” Maya walks to her bedroom and opens the door and slams it shut. She closes her eyes and leans back against the door. She couldn’t witness the heartbreak on Carina’s face. She can’t face that right now.

Carina is devastated as she sits there in the hallway. She starts crying and hyperventilating.

Maya sinks to the floor, her back still against the door, as she listens. She knows she just destroyed Carina’s entire world. She knows and she feels terrible about it, but the woman wouldn’t listen to her. She wouldn’t listen when she said she needed space. And now, she’s still here in her apartment, even after Maya has been gone for hours.

Why? The question circles in Carina’s mind. It’s the first rational thought she has. Why did Maya sleep with Jack? Why Jack? Of all people. Would it have been better if it were someone else? A random stranger? Why? When Maya said she was going on a run. Was that just an excuse or did Maya really go on a run? Why now? They had been so good. Up until Carina wanted to talk about Maya’s dad. They had been so good together.

Carina sits there in the hall for a long time. Really, she doesn’t have the strength to get up. She knows she has to leave. She has to go now. That’s more evident than ever. Maya proved that to her. Maya wanted space and she sure found a way to create that space.

She wipes at her eyes, trying to get the tears to stop falling. It’s useless. She tries to get her breathing to even out. After a few minutes of deep in and out breaths, it does, and the tears subside when her normal breathing returns. Carina looks around. Her shoes are by the door. Her bag is on the kitchen counter. She gets up and carries herself on shaky legs to her items, gathering them and slipping out the apartment door with a sigh. She pulls the door closed and pauses there for a moment. Carina swallows down the tears that are threatening again. She thinks about her half draw of things in Maya’s dresser in her bedroom. She thinks about one of her favorite shirts that is in the laundry basket in the closet that she was wearing yesterday when she showed up at Maya’s place. A little evil voice in her head says they’re just things, they’re replaceable.”

Barefoot, with her shoes and bag in her arms, she walks down the hall and then down the stairs. Carina hopes no one sees her. She knows she must look like a hot mess right now. Red puffy eyes, tear-stained cheeks, a snotty nose.

She doesn’t really know how she gets back to her apartment. Carina’s body takes her there of its own accord, on auto-pilot.

As soon as she closes the door she collapses onto the floor, dropping her shoes and her bag in the process. Her body can’t take anymore. She lays there in a heap.

Carina doesn’t know for how long she is on the floor but eventually the awkward position makes her back hurt. So, she can feel something other than sorrow. Physical pain means she is still alive, still human. She gets to her hands and knees and crawls to her bed, climbing in.

The numbness strikes next. She doesn’t know if it’s disbelief or something else; but Carina just lays there staring up at the ceiling, her brain void of any thoughts except for the color of the ceiling.

White.

That’s all she thinks about. The ceiling, how it was made, how it was painted, who chose the color, what the color represents. White is the color of purity.

There’s nothing pure right now though. Carina rolls onto her side and curls up in a ball, her knees tucked to her chest. The sorrow and despair return as her mind rolls Maya’s words again.

I just slept with Jack an hour ago.

Jack.

That means it’s personal. Maya did it with Jack because it’s personal. Carina wonders if this means they are getting back together. Have they been seeing each other and Carina just didn’t know about it? Is that why Maya is so on edge and doesn’t want to talk about her father? Does it have something to do with Jack? Does Jack know about Maya’s father? Is that why? Carina ponders about the Jack of it all. He must have something to do with this. If it were someone else, Carina knows it wouldn’t hurt this much. Maybe that’s not true, but it makes it worse because it’s Jack.

The sob that escapes her catches even Carina by surprise. It hurts. It really hurts. Painful, excruciatingly painful. A pain that Carina has never felt before in her life.


Maya sits against the bedroom door for a long time. She listens to Carina crying and it’s the most heartbreaking thing she’s ever experienced. She did that. She made that happen. She caused that pain. Maya is to blame. So, she forces herself to sit there and listen.

It seems to take a long time, Maya doesn’t know how long, before Carina gets up and leaves. She hangs her head is shame. Broken Maya has now broken sweet, wonderful, beautiful Carina. She wonders if this was always going to happen. That at some point her brokenness would ruin them. And it has.

She pushes herself to her feet and goes to shower. She stays in the shower until the water runs cold and then gets out and goes to bed.

Maya doesn’t sleep. She just lays there. She’s not sure what she’s supposed to feel. Shame, regret, anger. Still with the anger. Sadness?

Maya doesn’t know if she’s sad. She got what she wanted. Space. But now the space feels like too much, like the void is too large. Maya reaches out with her hand and runs it over the empty space next to her in bed. She reaches up and takes the pillow and pulls it to her chest. It smells like Carina and Maya takes in a deep breath of that scent. She closes her eyes, not allowing herself to cry.


In the morning Carina gets up and goes to work as if nothing happened. She puts on a happy face for her patients. She’s not hungry but needs to eat something so she goes to the cafeteria to get something to eat. She’s standing in line when Teddy Altman waves her over. Carina nods. She gets her food and goes to sit with Teddy.

“You look like shit.” Teddy appraises the Italian, always telling it like it is.

Carina hums but doesn’t say anything about it. She picks at her food. Some vegetables and mashed potatoes and a piece of salmon. She’s really not hungry.

“Any interesting cases today?” Teddy asks. She needs a distraction from her own cases, her own personal life.

“No. Just basic stuff.” For that, Carina is glad. Her emotions are strung out. She feels like she’s a little twig and could snap at any moment. She just wants a nice, easy day so she can go home at the end of it and climb into bed and hide from everything.

Teddy grumbles. “Boring.” That doesn’t help Teddy any.

Carina’s not sure what she’s going to do about her Maya problem. That’s what she’s decided to call it.

Her Maya problem is always lingering in the back of her mind. While she’s doing charting, while she’s with a patient. Her Maya problem is always in the back of her mind. And she doesn’t know what she wants to do about it. For now, Carina has decided to do nothing.

Just like she planned, Carina goes home at the end of her shift and climbs into bed and hides under the covers. She has her phone with her and starts looking through the pictures on her phone. There are some of her trips to Italy. There are some of her family and Andrea. There are some of Maya or with Maya. A few sexy photos but most are just selfies or pics of the two of them together. She thinks about deleting them but can’t bring herself to actually do it.

She looks at their smiles, their happy faces, and wonders if that’s ever possible again. Carina isn’t happy now and she doesn’t know if she is going to be for a long time again. It’s going to be hard to get over this one. Not that she particularly wants to get over Maya.

When things started with Maya, she knew the woman had unresolved issue. In a way, everyone does. Demons. Past traumas. And Maya was not so nice with her at the beginning too. But they got past that, and it didn’t bother Carina too much. Maya had opened up with her and she had let Maya in too. They were good.

At least, she thought they were good. Now Carina doesn’t know what to think. A part of her feels like a fool. Like she was played somehow. She thought Maya loved her. No, Maya hadn’t said it, but she could feel it, see it. Actions speak louder than words, right. But if actions speak louder than words what does that mean about what happened with Jack. Maybe she was wrong. But Carina isn’t usually wrong about stuff like that, about feelings. She good at reading people, it’s part of her job. Carina starts second guessing her feelings and emotions. Could she be wrong?


Maya sleeps in. Or more like lays in. She didn’t do much sleeping. She initially got to sleep but then woke up after a couple of hours and just tossed and turned the rest of the night. She screwed up. She knows that. That’s not even a question. But how to fix it. That’s the real question. Is it even fixable? Is her relationship with Carina forever broken because of this? Maya thinks it might be.

She reaches for her phone and is disappointed that there are no missed calls or texts. She knows Carina is working. She could go there but she doesn’t want to cause a scene. She knows the emotions are too raw yet and that the fiery Italian would no doubt yell and shout, likely in her native tongue, at her in front anyone who could see them.

Maya’s thumb hovers over Carina contact information. She hits the call icon and brings her phone to her ear. She knows Carina is working and knows she won’t answer her phone. The call goes to voicemail. Maya sighs as she listens to the recording of Carina’s voice. She hangs up, not leaving a message. She’s tempted to call again just to hear her voice again, but knows that would look crazy and creepy and stalkery.

She gets out of bed after a while and goes to take another shower subconscious, or maybe not so subconsciously, trying to wash the shame and regret from her body. That gross feeling just won’t go away.


Vic and Maya bond over having broken up with their doctor lovers.

Maya needs a break from dancing with Vic. She goes and sits on the couch. Vic comes over and sits with her. Maya swallows a drink from her beer. “What kind of gift do you get someone that you cheated on but are madly in love with?” She stares down into her beer.

Vic laughs. “That’s ridiculous. I don’t think that type of gift exists. What would you even be trying to say, sorry I banged someone else but I still get points cuz I love you, right?.”

Maya releases a long sigh.

Vic looks over at her friend and sees the sad look on Maya’s face. “Oh, you’re serious. Okay.”

“Forget I said anything.” Maya huff and pushes herself up from the couch.

“Hey, where are you going? We were having fun-“ Vic’s words die off as Maya leaves. “-earlier. We were having fun earlier.” She mumbles to herself.

Maya walks through the party and steps outside into the cool night air. It’s crisp and Maya inhales deeply and looks up at the sky. There is too much light pollution where they are to see the stars but it’s a cloudless sky so Maya knows she would be able to see them better if she weren’t in the city. Part of her wishes it was cloudy. Cloudy so she could dream about them. See them and think about how soft they are and would feel. Think about dying.

Maya hasn’t thought about dying in a long time. Not since before Carina. But now. She’s thought about it every night for the last three nights. Since she got home and found Carina still sitting there. Since she told her she slept with Jack.

The after Carina version of Maya thinks about dying all the time again. How can she not? She craves that peace that she thought she had when she was with Carina. It’s gone now. She’ll put a smile on her face and go through the day but then she goes home and lays in bed thinking about how peaceful dying would be. Then she wouldn’t have to live in this hell that she’s created for herself.

At first, she was angry. At herself. At everyone. At Jack. At Carina. At Andy. But in reality, she’s the only one to blame. She was projecting her feelings onto all of them when really, she just didn’t want to deal with her own problems.

Maya has been thinking about her father a lot too. He was tough. It was tough love. But Maya knows somewhere in her mind that what Lane did was far beyond what any other parent that she knows did for their kids. Maya still thinks it was to benefit her, even if everyone else thinks it was something else.

She looks up at the moon. It hangs low in the sky. Maya thinks maybe she is the moon. Only out some of the time. Only really visible at night. If she is the moon then Carina is the sun, burning bright and hot in the sky. Big and visible all day long.

“There you are.” Vic steps up next to her. She looks over at Maya. “What are you thinking about?” She watches Maya look up at the moon.

Maya sighs. “I miss her.”

“Ah.” Vic pinches her lips together tightly and nods. “What are you going to do about it?”

Maya’s head snaps over to look at Vic. “Haven’t I done enough already?” She’s angry again. She rubs her hand over her beanie and lets out a low growl.

Vic holds her hands up in front of herself in innocence.

Maya sighs, realizing that she is again letting her frustration out on yet another person. “Sorry.”

“Maybe do that.” Vic whispers.

Maya shakes her head. An apology isn’t enough to fix what she broke with Carina.

“Or get her a gift.” Vic shrugs. She wraps an arm around Maya’s back and leans into her side. “But she doesn’t seem like the type of girl who would accept a gift as an apology.”

“I know.” Maya sighs and hangs her head. The anger fades again and the regret creeps back in.


Maya is surprised to find her father at the station. She wonders if her mother has something to do with this. She wishes her parents would quit showing up at her job. It’s distracting. Maya has enough distractions right now she doesn’t need any more. So, him showing up makes the hair on the back of her neck stand at attention. At least, that’s why Maya thinks it prickles up uncomfortably.

He’s talking and she’s not listening to him. She’s thinking about what Jack said and what Andy said and what Carina and her mother said about Lane. He’s standing right in front of her, and she blinks at him but doesn’t hear his words.

The call comes in and Maya asks him to stick around until she gets back.

The situation at Pac-North is intense. There’s a fire and explosions. They get word that there is a bomb inside the building. Maya takes a few deep breaths and focuses on the task at hand.

But then she sees him or hears him. Maya can’t believe that he is here. She goes over to her father to tell him to leave but he doesn’t take orders from his daughter.

She turns around and he reaches out and grabs her hair, pulling her ponytail, pulling her back. The rage ignites in Maya in an instant.

She spins around. “Get your hands off of me.”

That’s it. In that moment, Maya knows. Whatever doubts or denial she had are gone. It’s funny that that’s all it took. One moment for her to see her dad for real. He’s not the man that she’s built up in her head for years. He’s not some amazing trainer. He’s not supportive and loving. He’s not after anything that doesn’t benefit him.

That gross feeling that she got after she slept with Jack returns in full force. She feels gross and maybe a little stupid that she couldn’t see it before now. But Maya didn’t want to see it. She didn’t want to see who her father truly was. She had built him up to be this great man, put him on a pedestal, when he’s nothing more than a weak, sad man.

Maya returns to her scene. It’s total chaos but Maya thrives with that. She focuses on what needs to happen and how to get everyone out of the building.

It’s not until she’s back at the station and had some time to think that Maya knows things have to change. She has to change. She wants to change.

Maya doesn’t know if there is any hope for her and Carina anymore. The woman won’t answer her calls or texts. Maya calls her once, and only once, a day. She sends random texts with a little meme or joke but all go unanswered. She thinks about leaving a voicemail but what would she say in a few seconds that could possibly help. She wants to change if she still has a shot with Carina. She needs to.

And change starts with the physical. The thing that helped her realize, the thing that her father violated has to go. She stares at herself in the mirror, scissors in hand. Maya takes a deep breath and starts cutting.

It’s supposed to be like therapy. A new beginning. Taking control back from her father. All of it.

When she’s done her hair is lopsided and jagged. She feels how it looks.

She’ll donate the hair to some wig cancer program and be done with it. Maya knows it’s not that easy though. She knows that the emotional trauma is there and it’s not just going to go away by cutting her own hair off. But it’s a start.

Chapter 15

Notes:

I know i just updated two days ago but i can't help it. this is done and ready to go.

Thanks for the kudos and comments.

This one is a doozy too. It might actually be more emotionally heavy than the last chapter. Just a bit of a heads up on that. Also I’ve read through this four or five time trying to get it perfect and I don’t know that it is.

Since the timeline is kind of wobbly at this point on the show, I’m taking a few liberties from the season 3 finale to the beginning of season 4. Nothing crazy and nothing that deviates from plot. Just extending that time period before masks and Covid and lockdowns.

NSFW.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Her recently chopped hair feels weird against the pillow now. Maya keeps running her hand through it. It’s so light and bouncy. She isn’t sure if she likes it or not. Maya has had, at least, shoulder length hair her entire life. It’s a huge change for her.

She thinks about what Jack said about how sometimes an apology can go a long way. Maya has thought that too much time has passed for her to apologize. It’s been a week. She lays in bed awake all night. Her hand reaches out for the empty spot next to her that a certain Italian sometimes occupied. That spot has remained empty for a week now.

Maya sighs. She knows she fucked up. She’s well aware of that, but she doesn’t know what she can do to make it better. She doesn’t even know if she can make it better. Is it too late? Has Carina moved on? Like she told Jack, she ruined the best relationship she’s ever had, with anyone, in any capacity.

The thing is, Maya doesn’t want to give up. In the past, she would have just moved on. Gone on about her day, about her business, moved on to the next thing. Found somebody new to get physical with. But she doesn’t want to do any of that now. She can’t. She only wants Carina. And her heart breaks knowing that she might not get that chance ever again. And she beats herself up about that. She’s spent the last few days that she hasn’t been working just drinking, and slinking around the apartment, sleeping, wishing she didn’t have to deal with it.

She misses Carina. She misses her smile and her laugh. She misses her little Italian mumblings. She misses the way she smells. And tastes. She misses the way Carina holds her in their sleep. She misses how Carina can put a smile on her face just by saying hello. She misses how happy she felt with Carina.

And it hurts. It physically hurts. Her body hurts. It aches. It yearns for Carina.

And Maya is so stupid. The alcohol numbed that the past few days but tonight she swore she wouldn’t drink anymore. So, she’s not sleeping and is staring at the ceiling thinking about Carina. Trying to come up with something to do to apologize. Or to even get Carina to talk to her. Because she hasn’t. Carina has avoided all of Maya’s texts and ignored all of her calls.

There’s only one thing that Maya keeps coming back to that she thinks might work. Being honest. Being one hundred honest with Carina. Spilling her guts. Telling her all of her feelings, her thoughts, explaining why she did what she did.

That doesn’t make it better though. That only brings up the wounds again. But it’s the only thing Maya can think of. Nothing else has worked. She knows Carina doesn’t like attention or spotlight and a grand romantic gesture would be a huge failure, so that’s out.

Maya thinks about what to say; where to even find Carina and get an opportunity to speak with her. She looks at the clock. 3:43. She sighs. She’s going to have to wait until morning to do this though every bone in her body wants to go do it right now. She’s ready to do it right now. She could get up and go over to Carina’s place. But it’s the middle of the night, and that’s creepy, and she knows Carina wouldn’t even let her in. She’s thought of that one already too.

But Maya knows. She knows this is it. She knows she loves Carina. She’s known that for a while now but was just to scared to say it. She knows that she needs to get Carina to forgive her. And that if she does, she knows that that’s it. It’s a done deal. Maya is committing herself. There’s nothing else. There’s no one else for her. She knows that.

Is their relationship perfect? No. But who’s is? Does Maya have a lot to work on? Yes. She knows that now and she won’t deny it. Their relationship is young yet. That could worry Maya, but it doesn’t. It actually excites her. There is so much unexplored territory there. If she can get Carina back.

She just needs to explain and tell Carina she’s sorry and beg for her forgiveness. And Maya is more than willing to do that. Beg and gravel and do anything she needs to.

Sleep never comes for her. So, when Maya gets dressed and looks in the mirror, she knows she looks terrible. She rolls her eyes. “Very fitting.”

She drives to the hospital. Maya thought about running there but then she would be all sweaty and gross and that didn’t seem appropriate for what she needs to do.

Her stubborn determination keeps the anxiety at bay. Maya is determined as she walks on the sidewalk, well, more like stomps across the concrete. She’s going so fast that she almost doesn’t see her standing there. But, then again, she can’t miss the beauty that is Carina. She is standing at the coffee cart with Teddy Altman.

Maya stops and turns. She gets Carina’s attention, and she explains, and she begs, and says I love you, and apologizes, and asks for forgiveness. It’s all Maya’s got. She doesn’t have anything else. If this doesn’t work, Maya doesn’t know what else to do.

She can see that Carina doesn’t want to forgive her. She knows that Carina can’t do that so easily. Maya takes it standing still when Carina says that can’t just forget that she cheated.

“Am I supposed to trust you?”

“I don’t know.” Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know.” Maya shrugs. She’s not sure what she’s supposed to do. “But I’m okay spending every day trying to convince you to.” She says it with such conviction.

Maya means it. She means it a thousand percent. She will spend every day showing Carina that she can be trusted. She doesn’t know how, yet, but she’ll do it. If Carina will just give her a second chance.

Carina looks at Maya, looks into her eyes. Underneath the tears she recognizes the honesty, the sincerity, the absolute truth in Maya’s words. Something shifts in Carina.

Teddy looks between the pair as they look at each other in silence. “Forgive her.”

Teddy has to add her two cents. She can see that Maya truly means what she says. She knows that this might be the last opportunity for them, and if they don’t take it, they might regret it. She knows she shouldn’t say anything because, well, she’s not been faithful to Owen; but her past relationships, her relationship with Allison, taught her that life is short, too short. And sometimes, especially if you love someone, you need to make it work no matter what happens, no matter the transgressions, because life could be taken away from you in the blink of an eye.

Carina groans at that. She doesn’t need other people telling her what to do with her relationship.

“I’m sorry. If you love her, forgive her.” Teddy just doesn’t want them to miss this opportunity.

Carina is mad and angry still. She’s frustrated that Maya is even standing here right now. Part of her is happy to see Maya though. She looks at Maya and the pleading look on Maya’s face is heartbreaking. Maya is standing there in front of her raw, open, emotional, putting it all out there with the possibility of being rejected. Carina realizes this. And she knows Teddy is right. She stares at Maya, almost daring her to flinch, to flee, to run. But Maya doesn’t, she stands tall, firm.

Carina shakes, physically not able to hold it in any longer. “I love you, Maya.” It might be the angriest I love you in the history of I love you’s, but the timid hopeful smile it produces from Maya overshadows it. She can’t help but smile too. Carina growls in frustration. “Come kiss me.” She can’t wait any longer.

Maya moves forward and puts her hands on Carina’s cheeks and pulls her into a kiss.

She looks at Maya after they pull apart. “Your hair, bambina.” She fists her hands in Maya’s short hair. It’s hard to miss. It’s one of the first things Carina noticed when Maya walked up.

“I know.” Maya takes a step back from Carina. Carina’s hands stay on her shoulders. “I cut it myself. Can you tell?”

A smile slowly spreads across Carina’s lips. “Yeah.”

“I’ll have to get it fixed at some point but I just haven’t-“ She was going to say ‘had the time’ but that would be a lie. Maya is done lying. Even if it’s a little lie. Even if it’s to herself. Especially if it’s to Carina.

“I like it. It suits you.”

Maya ducks her chin to her chest, blushing. “Really?”

Carina removes her right hand from Maya’s shoulder to lift her chin so she can look in her eyes. “Si, really.”

Maya smiles shyly. “Okay.” She looks around and notices all the people around them for the first time. She was so in the zone that she hadn’t realized that Carina was standing in line for the coffee cart. “Can I, uh, buy you a drink?” Maya asks awkwardly. She wonders where Dr. Altman ran off to. She’s not anywhere to be seen anymore.

Carina smiles. “Okay.” She turns around and gets back into the line properly.

Maya stands next to her anxiously. “So, what now?” She doesn’t dare look over at Carina. She tucks her hands in the jacket pockets.

“Now we get coffee.” Carina knows what she is doing. She knows she’s driving Maya crazy by not answering the question. She’s going to make her sweat, wait it out.

“And then?” Maya tries without having to actually ask what she and Carina are going to do moving forward.

“And then I go back to work.”

“Right.” Maya nods and looks down at the ground. She was hopeful that they could go somewhere and talk; but she knows, logically, Carina has work to do.

Carina turns to her and puts a hand on Maya’s forearm. “Maya, what you did was-“

“Terrible. I know. Selfish. Stupid. Idiotic. The worst thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.” She says quickly. Maya is still berating herself for it. She probably will be for a long time too.

Carina raises an eyebrow at her. “Okay, wow.” She can tell Maya is still beating herself up about it. “It’s going to take me time to get over that. To get past it. To forgive you and trust you.”

Maya turns to her now. “I meant what I said.” She needs Carina to know. “I will spend every single day proving to you that you can trust me. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Carina hums. “Actions speak louder than words.”

“I know.” Maya nods. “I know. I know. I know. I’m so sorry.” She feels like she’s spinning out all of a sudden. The big speech is over and now she doesn’t know what to do or say or think. The panic sets in. “I’m sorry. I can’t-“ Maya starts to hyperventilate, looking around nervously.

“Hey.” Carina almost sees it before it happens. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Maya, look at me.” Maya locks eyes with Carina. “It’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t know that.” Maya whispers with shallow breaths.

Carina pauses for a moment; she turns to Maya and takes her shoulders in her hands. “Okay. Just look at me.” She breathes in and out slowly for Maya. Maya copies the action. “Listen to the sound of my voice. Let’s just go slow and take this one step at a time. First, coffee. Then I go back inside. And you go home, or you go hang out with Vic, or something. I will call you tonight. Okay?”

Maya nods. That reassurance lets her breath a little easier.

“I will call you tonight. We can talk. Or we don’t have to talk. We can talk about whatever. But I will call you.” Carina promises. She knows Maya needs to hear that.

Maya nods. “Will you come with me to get my hair styled?” She’s not sure why she asks.

Carina smiles at that. “You’re so adorable sometimes.” She whispers so no one else can hear.

Maya rolls her eyes. She panicked and freaking out, she doesn’t need to be called adorable right now.

“If you want.”

Maya sighs, relieved. “I love you.”

“I know you do.” Carina reaches down and takes Maya’s hand, pulling it from her pocket. She turns back to face the front of the line, but can feel Maya’s eyes staring at the side of her head. “What?” She asks without looking over.

“I just- I don’t know- I feel-“ Maya stumbles for what to say.

Carina squeezes Maya’s hand. “It’s a lot. I know. It’s okay.” It’s a lot for Carina too. She’s been preparing herself for this moment though.

Maya nods at that. She’s glad that Carina seems to understand that this is difficult for her. “Thank you.”

Carina looks over and tilts her head to the side. “For what?”

Maya shakes her head. “Everything. For listening. For not just saying it’s over between us. I don’t know what I would’ve done then.”

Carina chuckles. Maya sounds so dramatic.

“I’m serious.” Maya takes a deep breath. “I don’t want anybody else. I just want you.”

Carina sucks in a shocked breath. She knew Maya was serious, but she didn’t know that she was this serious. She knows that Maya means what she says. The look in her eyes is all she needs to see to know. “Really?” But she can’t help but ask.

Maya shakes her head and chuckles. “I was so dumb to push you away. I was scared. I had all these feelings for you that I didn’t know how to process or what to do with. And my dad-”

“Oh, Maya.” Carina sighs and leans in to kiss her. She just can’t resist any longer.

Maya smirks after a great kiss. “I’ve missed that.” She looks up at Carina. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” Carina wraps an arm around Maya as they get to the front of the line. “But this doesn’t mean I forgive you so easily. You are going to have to make it up to me.”

“I’ll do anything you want.” Maya says eagerly.

“Be carefully what you say.” Carina warns. “You might get stuck doing something you really hate.”

“If it’s for you, then I won’t hate it.” The earnestness in her voice is hard to miss.

Carina smirks. “Such a smooth talker.” She rubs her palm up and down Maya’s arm.

Maya shrugs against her and orders their drinks when the barista motions to them.


A few days go by.

They talk on the phone every night before bed. Carina holds up her end of the bargain to call Maya that night after Maya came to the hospital to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Both were quiet at first, not sure what to talk about, but then Maya fell back on the good ole firefighter things.

“Did you hear about what happened at Pac-North?”

Carina tries to remember if she’s heard anything at the hospital about the other hospital. “No, I don’t think so.”

“We were called to the scene. There was a bomb inside. Miller and his bomb training handled it all smoothly. Him and Gibson. Or as smoothly as you can handle a bomb. PD wanted to take over and the bomb squad, but my team had the whole situation under control. Dixon got arrested too. That was the best part overall.”

Carina grins. “That’s cuz your team has a great captain.”

Maya is glad that they are just speaking on the phone so that Carina can’t see her blushing right now. She feels like a giddy little kid at the compliment.

“I knew you would be one day. You just had a few kinks to work out. I’m so happy for you Maya. Everything is working out for you.”

Maya thinks that not everything is working out for her, but she holds her tongue on that one. “Thanks. Not that long ago- I never would have thought- today-“ She sighs, not knowing exactly what to say. She changes the subject. “How are you?” Talking about her job seemed to be the perfect ice breaker.

Carina sighs. “I’ve been better. That’s for sure. There’s a lot going on. With you. With Andrea. It’s a lot.”

“I know it is.”

For a little while, Maya is glad that they aren’t talking about her and what she did. The focus is on Andrew and Maya tries to just listen and be there as a sounding board for Carina. Carina updates Maya on how Andrew is doing in treatment. That they’ve got him on medication and his mood has stabilized and that he is doing well.


Over the next few days, they talk over the phone. Maya apologizes over and over again.

It’s easy, the conversations that they have. But mostly they don’t talk about what happened. Maya tries to tell Carina what happened with Jack, but Carina doesn’t want to hear it, she can’t hear it. Not yet at least.

“I’m trying to be honest and open with you.” Maya sighs.

“I know you are. And thank you for that. But hearing about Jack, it’s too much. It’s still too fresh. It hurts too much.”

“I’m sorry.” Maya says for the millionth time.

Carina sighs. “You need to stop apologizing. I know you’re sorry.”

“I just-“ Maya wants Carina to believe her, to prove to her that she is sorry.

“Can we meet?” Carina changes tactic. They’ve been talking on the phone for over a week since the coffee cart. But Carina hates it. She hates talking on the phone to someone she has a connection with. She hates video calls too. That’s almost worst. She can see the person but not really see them. She needs to see Maya. She needs to see her even though she not forgiven or forgotten yet. She needs to be in the same space as Maya.

The surprise in Maya’s voice is clear. “Now?”

“Now. Or whenever you are free.”

“I’m free now.” Maya jumps out of bed and scrambles around the room to find something to wear. “Where should we meet?”

Carina chuckles. Even over the phone she can hear and envision a frantic Maya running around trying to find pants to put on. “How about I come over?”

Maya stops in her tracks. “Oh.” She wasn’t expecting that. “Are you sure?” She thought they would meet in a public place, Carina not wanting to be caught with Maya in private if things didn’t go well. Or Carina not wanting to come back to the scene of the devastation. Or a million things. She just never expected them to meet in her apartment. But if that’s what Carina wants then that’s what Maya will do.

“Si.” Carina gets up from her armchair. “I’ll see you in a little bit, bella.”

Maya runs around the apartment. It’s a mess. Not like a big mess because Maya would never let it get like that. But she hasn’t put any effort into keeping the place neat and tidy since she torpedoed her relationship with Carina. It wasn’t high on the priority list.

So, she cleans up the place as best as she can in the few minutes that she has.

But there is a knock on the door and Maya isn’t finished cleaning. She runs to the door though, not wanting to keep Carina waiting. She pulls the door open. “Sorry, the place is a mess. I haven’t- Woah.” She finally takes a look at her guest. Carina is even more stunning than the last time she saw her. “You look-“ That was at the coffee cart in pink scrubs. This is casual, comfy Carina in jeans and a t-shirt. It’s not a look she rocks very often but one she can definitely pull off.

“Thank you, bella. You too.” Carina sweeps into the room and presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek.

Maya looks down at herself, her tank top and shorts. “I do not look- I’ve been cleaning. It’s a mess. Sorry.”

“I don’t care what your place looks like or if it’s messy.” Carina backs Maya up with her right hand on the collar of her shirt. She closes the door with her other hand. It’s not until Maya bumps into the table that they come to a stop.

Maya’s mouth hangs open as she watches Carina. She’s not sure what to do. She’s not sure if she should touch her or hold her or kiss her. Maya doesn’t know what’s acceptable now or where the line between them lies.

Carina knows what she wants though. She presses her whole body into Maya’s, moaning at just being able to press up against Maya again. “I miss you so much.” She husks in Maya’s ear as the fingers of her left hand scratch over Maya’s abdomen.

Maya groans. “Are you sure?”

Carina leans back to looks at Maya. “Am I sure about missing you?”

Maya shakes her head. “No. Nevermind. I thought you wanted sex.”

Carina runs her hand up Maya’s neck to cup her cheek. “I do.”

“Oh.” Maya is confused now.

“I miss you, Maya. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss how you ramble when you are nervous or anxious. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the way your hands feel in mine. I miss the way they know my body like they were made for that purpose only. I miss the way you moan when I have my head between your legs.” Carina smirks at that one. Maya rolls her head back. “I miss you. I miss all of you. In every way possible.” She kisses Maya finally, hungry.

“But I’m still mad at you. And sad. And disappointed. And I don’t trust you completely.” Carina adds.

“Okay.” Maya mumbles. It’s good to have some clarification. To know where she stands.

“Take me to bed, Maya. I need you.” She doesn’t want to waste any more time.

Maya slips her fingers into the beltloops on Carina’s jeans and pulls her through the apartment to her bedroom.

They go into the bedroom and Maya runs her hands up Carina’s sides before pushing her backwards, so she sits on the edge of the bed. She stands before her. The nerves that flutter in her belly are unusual. She’s never been nervous about sex before. She’s definitely never been nervous about sex with Carina before.

“Hey.” Carina looks up and sees the apprehension in Maya’s eyes. “It’s just me.”

Maya shakes her head. It’s not just Carina. There’s no just about it. Carina is everything. She scared she going to screw this up somehow. She feels the panic rising. “I have to- go to the bathroom.” She takes a step back. Carina reaches out for her, but Maya takes another step back. “I’ll be back.” Maya slinks away and ducks into the bathroom.

When Carina said she was coming over one of Maya’s first thoughts was about cleaning up her apartment. Her next thought was that they were finally going to sit down and talk about what happened. She didn’t expect this. She didn’t expect Carina to ask her for sex. Maya isn’t ready for that. She doesn’t know if she can go through with it.

She grips onto the edges of the sink with her hands and looks at herself in the bathroom mirror. Maya takes a few deep breaths getting the panic to recede. “You can do this.” She tries to give herself a pep talk. “You can do this. It’s just sex.”

Maya hangs her head because she knows it isn’t. Sex with Carina isn’t just sex. And it never will be. Maya thinks, maybe, it never has been. It’s always been more than that. It was always about more than just getting a need met.

But Maya takes a deep breath and looks back at herself in the mirror working up the courage to face Carina again.

She goes back out and Carina is sitting on the bed in only a pair of panties. Maya stands there, stunned, at the end of the bed. “You are truly magnificent.” Carina has to be the most gorgeous woman she has ever seen. Or maybe she’s biased because she’s thoroughly in love with her.

“Come on, Maya.” Carina is not really in the mood for overwhelming praise.

“No.” Maya moves to the side of the bed. “You are beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.” She puts her hand on Carina’s waist and leans down to kiss her. A long, slow exploring kiss. “And sexy.” She mumbles against Carina’s lips.

Maya shifts, sitting at Carina’s hip, on the edge of the bed, her legs dangling off. Her hand moves from Carina’s waist up to cup her breast gently, her thumb swiping over the nipple once. She watches her hand make the movements, mesmerized. It elicits a gasp and then a breathy moan from Carina and Maya looks up to catch her eyes, but Carina is watching Maya’s hand. Maya strokes her thumb over the nipple again before pinching it between her thumb and finger.

Carina groans, grinding her teeth together.

Maya moves her hand and gives the other nipple the same attention.

Carina tips her head back against the headboard and closes her eyes. “Maya.” She moans.

Maya moves her hand down and dips her fingers into the pair of black lace panties that Carina is wearing.

Carina moans and sits up away from the headboard. She wraps a hand around Maya’s neck and pulls her into a heated kiss, slipping her tongue into Maya’s mouth, stroking at Maya’s tongue before flicking her tongue against the back of the top row of Maya’s teeth. She takes Maya’s bottom lip between her teeth, tugging on it, before letting it go; and then pressing her lips to Maya’s firmly, before pulling back with a pop, and looking Maya up and down.

She reaches down for the bottom of Maya’s tank top, grabbing it, and trying to pull it up and off of the blonde.

Maya pulls away from her, removing her fingers from Carina’s underwear. She gets up, off the edge of the bed.

“Where are you-“ Carina watches completely perplexed as Maya moves away from her to the end of the bed.

Maya kneels on the end of the bed. She reaches up and hooks her fingers into the side of Carina’s panties. Carina assists in lifting her butt off the bed so Maya can pull the garment down her legs.

Maya lays down on her stomach between Carina’s legs, a hand on her stomach to get her to lay back again. Carina does. She reaches down and tangles her fingers in Maya’s hair. Maya reaches up and pulls Carina’s hand from her hair, holding it tightly with her own hand.

She licks through Carina. The long loud moan is enough to let Maya know that she still has the magic touch, or tongue. And while that’s encouraging, Maya zones out. She focuses on the task at hand.

Completing the task, Maya wipes the back of her hand across her mouth and gets to her knees. She shuffles back to get off the bed before moving to the side. She lifts the edge of the covers and, as quietly as possible, slips in underneath, curling into the fetal position.

Carina is too busy trying to catch her breath after an earthshattering orgasm that she doesn’t recognize what is happening right away.

“Maya.” She rolls her head to the side to see where Maya is at. Carina reaches out trying to find out where Maya went. She’s surprised to find her under the covers. Carina pushes herself up onto her elbows and glances over at the lump under the blankets. “Maya?” She puts a hand on the blonde’s shoulder, but Maya tries to shrug it off. “Do you want me to-“

“No.” The words are muffled. “You can go now, if you need to.”

“What?” Carina is thoroughly confused. “Maya, no.”

“Isn’t that what this is about? You came over for some sex and now you’re going to go home.” Maya’s voice is so small as she speaks.

“Hey.” Carina tries to roll Maya onto her back, but Maya holds her ground.

Carina sighs and runs her hands through her hair. She gets out of bed and finds her shirt, slipping it over her head quickly. She goes around to the other side of the bed and kneels on the floor. She grabs Maya’s wrists and pulls her hands away from her face, but Maya hides her face in the pillow instead.

“What’s wrong, Maya?”

“You don’t want to talk to me. And just want to use me for sex now. Is that all you see now?”

“Is that what you think?” Carina’s heart breaks for the blonde.

“That’s why you came over.”

Carina takes a deep breath. “Yes. It is but-.”

Maya growls and rolls over onto her other side, away from Carina. She feels Carina’s hand on her back. “Don’t touch me.” She mumbles.

Carina removes her hand and sighs sadly. “Maya, I love you.”

“That’s great.” Maya has turned passive aggressive, and Carina isn’t sure how to deal with it. “You got what you needed. I’d like to go to sleep now.”

Carina hangs her head, resting it against the mattress. She might have messed this up. Carina never thought about the possible ramifications of coming over tonight. She honestly didn’t know there would be any. She knew Maya was torn up about what happened with her and Jack, but she didn’t know that there was this much damage. She doesn’t really know what the problem is since Maya won’t talk to her about it, but she knows it has something to do with sex.

She gets up and finds a pair of shorts in Maya’s dresser and goes to the bathroom. Carina needs a moment to think. She’s not leaving. She knows that much. She knows Maya wants to be alone though. Carina finds her toothbrush. A little smile on her face at the fact that it’s still there in Maya’s toothbrush holder.

After she brushes her teeth, she returns to Maya’s bedroom. She sits on the edge of the bed so she’s facing Maya. “I don’t know what’s going on. I’d like to know but it’s okay if you can’t tell me.”

“I want to talk about what happened and you don’t want to hear about that, but you want to hear about this.” Maya scoffs. “Why? Cuz I’m some weird sex case to you now? Part of your brain orgasm study.”

“No. Maya.” Carina tries not to get defensive but it’s hard when Maya is accusing her of things that aren’t true. “Look, I’m not going to leave tonight. Do you want me to sleep in the other room or on the couch?”

“Whatever.” Maya mumbles. She doesn’t really want Carina sleeping in the spare room or on the couch. She either wants her to be gone or sleeping in bed with her but she’s not going to say that.

Carina crouches down to try to look in Maya’s eyes. But Maya closes them when she sees what Carina is doing. Carina sighs. She knows it’s risky, but she leans in to press a kiss to her forehead. Maya reaches up and waves her hand next to her face, trying to shoo Carina away as if she would be shooing away a fly. Carina catches Maya’s hand in hers. “Stop it, Maya.” She’s acting like a child. Maya tries to pull her hand out of Carina’s grasp, but she can’t, the hold is too tight. “Stop.” Carina whispers.

All the fight leaves Maya’s body as the flood gates open. Carina lets go of her hand and Maya covers her eyes with her hands to hide the tears.

She doesn’t get any closer, but Carina puts a hand on Maya’s arm, rubbing it gently. “Shhh. It’s okay.”

“No.” Maya sobs. “It’s not.”

“Okay.” Carina whispers. She lets Maya cry for long minutes, just rubbing her arm, and trying to soothe her without getting any closer. Maya ends up crying herself to sleep.

Carina gets out of bed and goes to get two glasses of water and some ibuprofen for when Maya wakes up. She brings the items back to bed, shuts off the light, and climbs into bed. She doesn’t know if it’s the right move. She told Maya she would sleep in the other room or on the couch, but she doesn’t think Maya should be alone right now. So, she lays on the right side of the bed as far away from Maya as possible while still being comfortable and not right on the edge of the mattress. She wants to respect Maya’s boundaries right now. It seems like that’s what she needs, what she wants.

She thinks back to earlier. How Maya seemed hesitant to kiss her. How Maya didn’t want to be touched. How Maya wouldn’t let her take her shirt off. It seems like Maya either doesn’t want to open up emotionally during sex or there’s a disconnect there now. Like she’s just going through the motions. Doing what has to be done to achieve a goal. Either way, it’s a problem for them.

Carina doesn’t know what to do either. She folds her hands over her stomach. She glances over to see Maya sleeping there. “I’m sorry, bambina.” She whispers. “I didn’t want to make you feel used. I wanted to make you feel good too.” She reaches over and pets her hand over the side of Maya’s head. “I’m so sorry.” She knows Maya can’t hear her, but she needs to say it. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen in the morning or whenever Maya wakes up. She needs to at least be able to say it right now.

Notes:

I’m going to say this. Lots of people have said that Carina shouldn’t have forgiven Maya so fast. Which I tend to agree with. But here’s the thing. She loves Maya. She’s in love with Maya. And, like Maya, she hasn’t had a love like that in her life before. Her relationships haven’t worked out. While they might have been good and fun at the time she knows this thing with maya is different from anything else. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

Also, Maya needs serious therapy. For multiple reasons. It seems like she could have a history with depression. (as I’ve alluded to) in addition to anxiety issues and daddy issues/trauma. anyway… rant over.

Chapter 16

Notes:

Thanks for all the comments and kudos. Some hotly debated topics in the comment section after the last update.

So we broke it, now we try to fix it.

We pick up where we left off. The morning after the last chapter.

Chapter Text

Maya wakes up with her head on something warm that is not her pillow. It’s odd.

Her brain is fuzzy. She knows she didn’t have anything to drink the night before, so she’s not sure why it’s so fuzzy. But then she feels that her throat she scratchy too. Is she getting a cold?

Maya opens her eyes and finds them dry and itchy. They won’t focus either. But that’s because there is a mass of thick brown hair blocking their view from anything else. Maya jumps back. “No. No. No. No. No.” She mumbles before she recognizes the person in bed with her as Carina.

“Maya.” Carina sits up in bed, peeking over at Maya with one eye opened and one closed, still very sleepy.

“No.” Maya shakes her head. She tries to remember what happened last night.

“It’s alright.” Carina holds her hands out. “It’s okay.”

“No. No. No.” Maya gets out of bed and backs away from it, from Carina. She looks around the room frantically. She looks down at herself. Still in her clothes from yesterday. She runs her hands down her torso. That’s good. She looks over at Carina but can’t see what she is or isn’t wearing.

Carina catches Maya eyes. “Hey.” But it startles Maya.

Maya flinches before hurrying out of the bedroom into the bathroom. She needs to figure out what happened. All the details are fuzzy. Was she crying? Maya puts her hand around her throat and tries to clear it.

She remembers Carina showing up. She remembers her wanting sex. She remembers having to psych herself up to give Carina what she wanted. She remembered feeling like garbage during and afterwards. Maya wonders if that’s how she’s always going to feel after sex now. That gross feeling. She didn’t even get to feel good before the gross feeling took over again. And Maya doesn’t know how to get it to go away. She doesn’t know that it has since she slept with Jack. It was just buried under all her other emotions that she trying to deal with. It just resurfaced after last night, that’s all. It’s back at the top of the pile.

There’s a knock on the bathroom door. Maya flinches again. “Go away.” She mumbles.

“I will not.” Carina leans against the door. “Can I come in?” Her hand on the knob.

“No.” Maya sits on the toilet, her knees tucked to her chest, arms wrapped around them.

“I just want to make sure you are okay.” Carina says through the door.

Maya can hear the concern in Carina’s voice, and she appreciates it but- “I’m not.” She admits. There’s no use in lying to Carina.

“I’m coming in.” Carina turns the knob.

“No. Go away.” She whines. “Please.” She’s on the verge of tears again. Maya hugs her arms tighter around her legs. “Go away.” She doesn’t know if she’s talking to Carina anymore or the feelings inside herself.

“What’s wrong?” Carina kneels in front of her. She reaches out to touch Maya but doesn’t. Her hands hovering aimlessly in the air.

“I can’t tell you.” Maya shakes her head.

“I thought we were going to be honest with each other. You said you were going to talk to me about what’s bothering you.” Carina reminds her. She’s really worried about Maya right now. She knows she shouldn’t be. Not that she shouldn’t be but after everything that’s happened maybe Carina shouldn’t make it her concern. But she can’t help it.

Carina’s got her there. Maya sighs. “I don’t want to put anything else on you. This isn’t your problem. It’s my problem. I have to deal with it.”

“Maybe I can help.” Carina pleads. She just wants to help. She reaches out and wraps her arms around Maya.

“Don’t touch me.” Maya cries but doesn’t move or try to shake Carina off of her.

Carina pulls away slowly. “Maya.” She begs. “Please.”

Maya shakes her head. “I feel gross. Okay?”

“Like you need to shower. Cuz we can take a shower.” Carina needs a shower too.

“No. Carina.” Maya snaps. “I feel gross. Like repugnant. Dirty. Tainted. You’re pure and clean and I’m disgusting. My actions are vile and gross and disgusting. Gross.”

All Carina can do is stare at her. Everything makes sense now.

“I felt like that after Jack. I thought it went away but it came back last night. And I don’t want you to touch me. You shouldn’t touch me.” Maya whispers the words.

Carina opens and closes her mouth trying to say something.

“I want the feeling to go away but after last night, right now, I don’t know if it ever will.” Maya sighs and stares down at the floor. “And that’s a burden I have to carry.”

“Maya, please.”

“I’m damaged. You deserve better.”

“Maya. No.” Carina can feel Maya regressing. “No, you’re not. No, I don’t. Maya, listen to me.” She tries to get Maya to look at her, but it’s hard when she can’t touch Maya. “Maya, you made a mistake. A bad mistake but that’s all it was. It doesn’t make you gross or dirty or vile. Maya, I don’t think you’re gross.

“You don’t?” Maya looks up, a little bit of hope shining through.

Carina shakes her head. “I don’t.”

“Then why do I feel like you do.”

Carina shrugs. “Maybe you’re projecting. Maybe it’s guilt. But Maya I want to touch you, and hold you, be with you. I just can’t talk about what happened yet.” She brings this back around to last night.

Maya shakes her head. She knows it’s not fair to try to force Carina to talk about it if she can’t. And she shouldn’t have brought it up last night when she was feeling gross and used. But they are supposed to talk about stuff, and she knows she’s being a hypocrite. Maya hates all of this, right now.

“Here.” Carina pries Maya’s arms away from her legs. She’s a bit surprised that Maya lets her. But she goes slowly. She pulls each of Maya’s legs from the toilet, setting her feet on the floor. Carina stands up and holds her hands out.

Maya stares at Carina’s hands for a moment before putting her hands in them. Carina pulls her to her feet. They stand before each other. “We’ll go slow.” Carina whispers.

Maya nods and Carina takes that as a good sign. She slips her arms around Maya’s waist and pulls the blonde into an embrace. “How’s that?” It’s nothing crazy, just a simple hug.

“Okay.” Maya sighs. She lifts her arms, putting her hands on Carina’s back and allows herself to lean into Carina’s body. “Better.”

“Bene.” Carina sighs. “What can I do? I want to help. And I’m not leaving, so don’t suggest that.” She leans back to get a look at Maya’s face.

Maya closes her eyes and shakes her head. “I’m sorry I tried to get you to leave. I just keep repeating the same pattern.”

“No.” Carina wiggles a finger. “No. You don’t.” This isn’t the same Maya that she got in a fight with in the kitchen. This isn’t the same Maya that stormed out and went and slept with Jack. “You didn’t run out of here. You didn’t start yelling and screaming and go to that rage place. Maya you aren’t repeating the same pattern.”

Maya thinks about it for a minute and realizes that Carina is sort of right. Whenever there is a problem Maya always tries to run from it. Or has always tried to run from it. Literally and figuratively. But now, she’s sitting with it. Even if it feels like it’s making her crazy. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” Carina presses her lips to Maya’s forehead.

Maya furrows her brow. “And I want you to touch me and hold me, but I don’t feel like I deserve that after what I did. And last night when you- you tried to take my shirt off I felt gross, so I pulled away, retreated.”

“I understand that. But Maya you are vulnerable and brave and amazing even if you don’t feel like it right now. I admire that about you.” Carina starts to sway them back and forth a little. “This shitty thing happened.” She doesn’t want to accuse or put the blame on Maya right now. “And we have to work through that. You and me. Us. Together.”

Maya nods.

“You lean on me if you need to, and I’ll lean on you if I need to.” She rubs her hand up and down Maya’s back. “How about I start the shower? And you can hop in. The warm water will feel good, soothing, relaxing.”

Maya nods.

“Okay.” They pull apart and Maya miss the contact already.


Carina goes to the kitchen and makes some coffee while Maya is in the shower. She makes some toast and puts a little cinnamon and butter on it for herself. Carina sits at the stool at the island as she eats. She hears the shower shut off and listens for any sign of Maya but it’s relatively quiet.

She’s scrolling through the news on her phone when she hears the footsteps behind her.

“How was the shower?”

“Good. Helpful. I feel better now.”

“I’m glad. I made coffee. Would you like some?” A bit of a strange feeling passes through Carina. Here they are again in the kitchen. It’s almost like Carina never left. Like they didn’t spend any time apart. Like nothing ever happened.

“You’re amazing. Thank you. Yes.”

She’s happy that Maya is feeling better. If she’s honest, that little episode that Maya had as very scary and heartbreaking. “I made myself some toast. I hope that’s okay.”

Maya hums. It’s fine with her.

“Did you want to go out for breakfast? Or make something here?” Carina offers.

Maya goes over to the coffee and pours herself a cup and takes a drink. “So good.” She hums. “You’re so good at this.” She raises her mug.

“Italiano.” Carina smirks and points at herself.

Maya rolls her eyes. “What are your plans for the day?” She’s curious to see where things stand now with them. Maya is forever grateful that Carina is here right now. That she was still here this morning but knows that if she hadn’t come over last night that this morning wouldn’t have happened.

“Nothing much. You?” Carina leaves the day open and waits for Maya to take the lead.

“We could have breakfast. If you want. If you have time. If you don’t have anywhere you need to be.” It’s early in the day yet. That’s what happens when you wake up at the crack of dawn in a downward spiral.

“I don’t have anywhere I need to be. The only thing I have to do today is call Andrea.” Carina lifts her phone and wiggles it back and forth. “But with this, I can do that from anywhere.”

Maya nods. “Eat out or?”

Carina smirks. She could make a dirty joke but knows now is that the appropriate time. She doesn’t really feel like sitting in public with Maya right now either. “I could make French toast.”

A small smile slowly forms on Maya’s lips. “Carina’s famous French toast.”

Carina smiles too. “Si.”

Maya thinks back to the breakfast date they had at the restaurant where Carina fed her some of her French toast. That was good but Maya expects Carina’s to be better. “I’d like that.”

“Do you have all the ingredients?” Carina slides off of the stool effortlessly. She goes to the fridge to see if there are eggs. “It’s still weird to me that Americans keep their eggs in the fridge.”

“You don’t put eggs in the fridge in Italy?” Maya is shocked by this. “Won’t they go bad?”

“No.” Carina pulls the cartoon from the fridge. “You know why?” Maya shakes her head. “Here, they wash the eggs removing their protective coating. They also pasteurize them, so they need to be refrigerated.”

“Why?” Maya asks.

Carina takes a step towards Maya and bops her on the nose with her index finger. “Because in the US egg laying chickens are kept in horrible conditions, and they have diseases, so they need to wash the eggs and pasteurized them.”

“Gross.”

“Si. I like to buy eggs from farmer’s market, if I can. Not that I eat a lot of eggs. Then I can ask where they come from.” Carina explains her process.

Maya hums taking in this new information.

“Where’s your skillet?”

The question breaks Maya from her thoughts. Thoughts of eggs. Thoughts of Carina’s diet. Thoughts of the farmer’s market. Thoughts of chickens. “Under here.” She sets her mug down and pulls the item from a lower cupboard. “Do you want help?”

“Only if you want to help.” Carina smiles gently over at Maya. “You could get some fruit out and rinse it.”

Maya has strawberries, blueberries, and bananas. She doesn’t think bananas are the right choice for the French toast, so she gets out the strawberries and rinses them. She lets them drain and dry in the sink and takes her coffee mug back in her hands. Maya mostly just stands there, leaning against the counter, and watches as Carina effortlessly moves about her kitchen.

“Ta da.” Carina presents the plate. “Sit down.” She nods at the stool.

Maya sits and Carina puts the plate in front of her. “Try it.”

“Aren’t you going to have any?” She looks up at Carina.

Carina smirks. “I already had toast, remember?” She wiggles her eyebrows. Carina is excited for Maya to try her French toast. She hopes, hopes, hopes that Maya likes it. “But I might steal a piece or two or yours.”

Maya cuts a piece and takes a bite. She hums as she chews. “Amazing.”

Pleased, Carina smiles softly. “I’m glad you like it.”

Maya thought Carina was going to cook breakfast for both of them but now she feels bad that she’s the only one eating. She cuts another piece and puts it into her mouth. While she’s chewing she cuts a piece and holds it out across the little island that separates them. Carina grins and leans forward, opening her mouth. She pulls the piece from the fork with a smile and chews it. “Grazie, bella.”

Maya looks down and blushes a little at the way Carina thanks her. She moves a strawberry around on the plate with her fork aimlessly.

“I’m sorry.” Maya feels like a broken record. She knows she behaved poorly last night. It’s no excuse. “I just keep fucking this up. I should have talked to you.”

Carina hums. “You should have.” She reaches out and pinches a strawberry from Maya’s plate. “But you didn’t run away from me this time.” She points the strawberry at Maya before popping it into her mouth.

“What I did wasn’t much better.” Maya scoffs. “I completely shut down.”

“Well, shall we try to move past it or keep lingering on it? Carina raises an eyebrow at Maya, folding her arms across her chest.

“Move past it. Though that might take a while. I don’t know if I can- I don’t know-“ Maya sighs, frustrated she can’t get the words out.

“I’m not going to force you to have sex with me Maya.” Carina shakes her head, irritated. “When you’re ready.”

“Are you mad?”

Carina turns around, her back to Maya, balls her fists, and growls. She throws her hands in the air and spins around to face Maya again. “Yes, I’m mad. No, I’m not mad.” She growls again. “I know.” She waves her hands around in the air. “I know. That doesn’t make sense.” She steps forward and puts her hands on the edge of the island so she doesn’t swing them around in the air in frustration. Carina takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. “I just wish-“ She opens her eyes and stares at Maya. “Nevermind.”

Maya takes stock of Carina, her mood, her temper, how she tries to hold it all inside. She’s never seen her mad. She’s never seen her like this. “Tell me.” Maya says firmly. “Tell me I’m an asshole. You know you want to. It’s okay. Tell me.”

Carina narrows her eyes at Maya. “That’s not what I want to say.” She clenches her jaw.

“I’m frustrated Maya. That’s all.”

Maya nods.

“And mad.” Carina grinds her teeth together.

Maya points to herself. “At me?”

Carina sighs. “Yes. I told you last night that I was mad, and sad, and disappointed.”

“You did. And thank you for telling me, so I know.” Maya takes another piece of her French toast to her mouth. “You can be mad. You deserve to be mad, actually. I get it.”

Carina shakes her head. “And you’re fine with that?”

Maya shrugs. “In truth, I expected you to yell at me at some point. But that hasn’t happened.”

Carina shakes and runs her hands through her hair. “I just- I don’t want to. My dad would yell at my mamma all the time. I don’t want to yell at you.”

“Oh.” Maya smiles empathically for Carina. “Well, we have that in common then.” She cuts another piece of French toast and stabs it with her fork and holds it up in front of Carina’s mouth. “What do you want to do then? Scream into a pillow, maybe. Or just scream. Like out loud.” Maya suggests, still holding the fork up. “You don’t run or work out. So-“ She’s talking out loud, trying to find a way for Carina to release her pent up frustrations.

Carina stares at the fork for a moment before leaning forward and taking the bite that Maya is offering her. She doesn’t want to scream. She doesn’t want to scream at Maya. She knows, especially after last night, that it could be a traumatic trigger for Maya.

“Can I take a shower?” Carina asks.

Maya tilts her head to the side, appraising the Italian across from her. “Go ahead.”

Without another word, Carina walks out of the kitchen to go shower. She goes in and starts the water. She gets in and starts rambling to herself, somewhat loudly, in Italian. Her hands gestating wildly as she speaks. She talks through her frustration in Italian. And then again in English.

Carina comes back into the kitchen and Maya is washing the dishes from breakfast.

“How was your shower?” Maya asks.

“Fine.” Carina bobs her head back and forth. “Good. I got rid of some of my frustration.”

“Good then. Great.”

If Maya heard Carina ‘venting’ then she doesn’t say anything about it.

There’s a weird energy between them now. Both of them can feel it. They communicate in little nods, and short sentences. It might just be a matter of sitting with what’s happened at this point and letting everything settle.

“Is it alright if I hang out here today?” Carina tries to sound as casual as possible, but she wants to keep an eye on Maya today. And, frankly, she doesn’t want to be alone either.

“Sure.” Maya doesn’t really care either way. She was just going to hang out at home and feel gross. It’s not exciting, but if Carina wants to stick around that’s fine with her. She knows she shouldn’t be so apathetic about it, but Maya is tired and doesn’t have the energy to put much effort into anything.

“Do you have any board games we could play? Or a puzzle?” Carina suggests.

Maya looks over at her, curious. “But you hate puzzles.”

“Hate is a strong word. More like, your militaristic rules make it sound so un-fun.” Carina shrugs.

Maya stares at her, mouth hanging open.

“A board game then.” They need to do something to pass the time. Carina would prefer it be something where they can still interact and not something like staring at their phones in silence.

Maya shakes her head lightly at the cute Italian who has her speechless about puzzles. “I have a few classics somewhere, I think. Monopoly. Operation.”

“Oooh. I love Operation.” That gets a happy little smile from Carina.

Maya giggles and bites her lip. She feels so much lighter than earlier when she woke up. Carina’s presence has something to do with that, she knows. Her reassurances too. She still feels weird and gross but not as weird and gross as earlier.

They play both games. Carina is all too serious during Operation. She concentrates and bites her lower lip between her teeth nearly the entire time. Maya watches her, enraptured, and endeared at the doctor across the dining room table from her.

Lunch is protein shakes and turkey wraps.

They watch a movie on the couch. Each sitting on separate ends of the couch. Maya lays down about halfway through, losing the battle with her tired body, her feet propped up in Carina’s lap. Carina rests a hand over them, but that hand remains stationary where it lays. Maya falls asleep and doesn’t wake up until well after the movie is over.

It’s quiet in the room. The tv has gone dark. Carina didn’t dare get up but couldn’t reach the remote and eventually the tv shut itself off from inactivity. She’s been on her phone ever since.

Carina would love nothing more than to cuddle in bed or on the couch with Maya. She craves that physical contact. She’s always been someone who enjoys having someone to hold and being held. That physical bond. She knows though that Maya can’t right now and that makes her sad.

While she can look past what Maya did, apparently Maya can’t. It wasn’t the physical cheating of it that hurt Carina, it was the emotional. It was the broken trust. It was the feeling of betrayal. It was the break of their bond. Not so much the physical act.

They sit at opposite ends of to the couch again after Maya wakes up. Carina turns and sits pretzel style sideways on the couch, facing Maya. “Have you had any interesting calls the last few days?” She knows how to get Maya talking. Just ask her about work.

Maya thinks back. “We had a call where there was a kid stuck on a go-cart that was going around in circles and wouldn’t stop.”

“They called you for that?”

“Well, the police were there but they didn’t know what to do. And if they did something to stop the cart, they were worried that the kid would be hurt, so they wanted us there. So that was a bit unusual.” Maya hums. “The kid was alright though. I bit of road rash on his elbow but that’s it.”

“That’s good.”

“Some fires. Car accidents. The usual stuff.”

“Do you like fire?” Carina asks. She remembers reading about all the fire stuff Maya has bookmarked on her laptop.

Maya tilts her head to the side. She shifts and sits sideways, her left leg curled at the knee and up on the couch cushion. “Do I like fire? That’s such a strange question.”

“Is it?” Carina rubs her hands over her own knees briefly.

“Well, yeah. Who likes fire? Fire is dangerous. Deadly. Fire is bad in the wrong hands. Arsonist. But do I like fire? I guess I have to say yes. I have to say that it excites me when we pull up to a fire. The adrenaline pumps through my body. It’s such a high. We call them firegasms.” Maya’s jaw drops. “Oh my god.” Her face lights up and she bites her bottom lip. “I forgot about that.”

Carina grins along with Maya. “You know that’s an actual thing, right?”

Maya wrinkles up her face. “No. We just made that up. It’s a joke.”

Carina shakes her head with a silly little grin. “I would know.” She points at herself.

“Oh my god.” Maya realizes Carina is right. She runs her hands over her face.

“It’s when-“

Maya cuts her off by putting her hands on top of Carina’s knees. “I know.” She doesn’t need Carina to explain it.

Carina nods, trying desperately not to look down at Maya’s hands on her knees. “So, you’ve never encountered a scene and found someone, an arsonist, uh, getting off on the fire they started?”

Maya’s eyes get big at the thought. “No.” She shakes her head.

Carina giggles. Maya leans back against the arm of the couch, her hands slipping from Carina’s knees back to her lap.

“So, tell me more about your firegasms.” Carina grins. She really wants to hear this.

Maya frowns. “It’s not like that. It’s just a rush. A high.”

“Not unlike an orgasm.” Carina notes.

Maya rolls her eyes. “This isn’t a fair discussion.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re the orgasm doctor.” Maya flips her hand in Carina’s direction.

“You’ve never complained before.” Carina smirks.

Maya sighs. “No.” It’s a weird juxtaposition. What they’re talking about verses Maya inability to have any physical intimacy right now. But maybe it will help.

“I think you give me too much credit though.” Carina nods at Maya. “It was just a study.”

“And what do you do when you study? You learn.” Maya counters. She smirks a little now too.

“True.” Carina sighs.

Maya lays the side of her head against the back of the couch. “Stay here tonight.”

“Maya.” Carina sighs. She mimics Maya by resting her head on the back of the couch. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

Maya shrugs.

“I have to work in the morning.” Carina uses it as an excuse, even though it’s never been a problem in the past.

Maya sighs sadly. “I just-“ She looks down at her lap. “I feel like such a baby. And I sleep better when you’re around.”

Carina reaches forward and dares to put her hand on Maya’s lower leg. “Hey. Look at me.” Maya looks up. “You’re not a baby. You’re going through a lot. It happens to everyone at times. But you know what?” Maya shakes her head. “You are my bambina.” Carina smiles warmly.

Maya thinks she might cry because of wonderful Carina and her selfless love.

“I think it’s better if I go home tonight.” Carina feels a little guilty about last night and the trauma that it induced in Maya. But if it hadn’t happened last night, it was likely to happen at some point. It will be healthier for their relationship if she goes home. They need to slow down a little bit and takes things one step at a time. She stayed with Maya all day and can see that she’s alright. Not great, but alright.

Maya nods.

“But maybe you could invite me over for dinner tomorrow after I’m done with work.”

Maya nods eagerly. She likes that idea. “Okay.”

Carina waits. She raises an expectant eyebrow. “Are you going to ask me now or-?”

Maya shakes her head and offers a bashful little smile. “Tomorrow.”

Carina chuckles. “Okay, bella.” She pushes herself up from the couch. “I will see you.”

Maya nods, not moving from her spot as Carina approaches.

“Can I kiss you?” Carina asks, putting a hand on the back of the couch and leaning over Maya.

Maya nods again.

“Cat got your tongue?”

“You’re too good to me.” Maya finds her voice.

“Maybe.” Carina winks. “Or maybe I’m just the right amount of good.” She leans in and presses a soft kiss to Maya’s lips. “You deserve good thing, Maya.”

Maya sucks in a shaky breath. “I- I love you.”

Carina hums. “I love you too.”

Maya reaches out and grabs a fistful of Carina’s shirt in her hand, not letting her pull away just yet. They linger in each other’s faces, breathing each other’s air on a cycle. Maya’s eyes shift between Carina’s lips and her eyes. Carina just watches Maya and her indecision.

“Kiss me again.” Maya finally whispers.

Carina smiles into the kiss. She keeps it soft, gentle. A press of her lips to Maya’s before pulling away. She doesn’t go far though. Carina puts a hand on the side of Maya’s head and presses a kiss to her forehead. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you’re going to be alright. You’ll figure it all out. I know you will.”

She sucks in a deep breath. “Thank you.” Maya whispers.

Carina hums and nods. “Now, I must go. You, go to bed. Get some sleep. Don’t set an alarm for the morning. Don’t get up early. Don’t go for a run. Let yourself rest.” Carina knows all too well that emotional struggles can make you physically exhausted.

“I will.”

“Bene.” She presses another kiss to the top of Maya’s head. “Ti amo, bambina. Ti amo.”

Maya closes her eyes. There’s something so comforting about the gentle tone of Carina’s voice. “I love you.” She barely whispers.

Carina takes a step back. Maya still has her fist in her shirt. Carina shimmy’s her shoulders and Maya lets go with a bashful little smile.

Maya watches Carina leave. She sighs and closes her eyes after the door closes. She takes a minute to collect herself before getting up from the couch and going to bed.

Chapter 17

Notes:

Thanks for all the comments and kudos on the last chapter.

If you didn’t see that I edited the notes in the last chapter I’d like to clarify again right now. A poorly worded sentence has caused a lot of hub bub. Which I understand. To be clear, Maya NEVER hit Carina in Chapter 15. It was ‘Maya reaches up and swats at Carina’s face. Carina catches Maya’s hand in hers.’ The sentence/wording has been changed. My intention was never ever for Maya to hit Carina. That’s out of character for Maya. She wouldn’t do that. It was meant to be more like how you would wave your hand next to your face or in front of your face to swat at a fly or how you would try to shoo someone out of your space with a quick wave of the hand. Again I apologize if my wording came off in an abusive, negative way to any readers. I hope it hasn’t/doesn’t put you off of reading the story moving forward.

Here is an introspective Carina. An advice seeking Teddy which helps Carina put things with Maya into a bit of a different perspective. A way she hasn't thought about it yet. And a Marina chat.

Chapter Text

The ceiling in her bedroom is white. Carina has studied it many times in recent weeks. It’s still white tonight. The color hasn’t changed. Is it brighter though? Or is it the same as yesterday? The ceiling has seemed so dull recently even though it’s white color hasn’t changed.

Maybe it’s the changed view. Carina isn’t laying in bed staring up at the ceiling. She has a pillow behind her head as she lays on the hardwood floor next to the bed. She tilts her head to the side to see if that changes the shade of the white ceiling. It doesn’t.

She’s not sure what the difference is between today and yesterday. But then she remembers she wasn’t here last night. She was at Maya’s. Somehow that seems like days or weeks ago, but it was one day ago.

Carina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She wonders if anger is the right emotion to have right now. She’s not sure there is a right emotion for how she feels. It’s not one thing or the other. It’s a mix of a number of things but nothing that sticks out as obvious. Carina was angry. At the beginning, she was devastated and sad, but there was anger in there too.

But does anger get her anywhere? Does it do her any good? Does it serve her?

“No.” Carina says to herself. “It doesn’t.” She continues taking slow deep breathes. In and out. In and out.

There is a little voice in her head that whispers. “Perche?”

And Carina wants to know why Maya slept with Jack. She knows Maya mentioned that her father abused her and acknowledged that but is that the sole reason. There’s got to be more to the story.

She knows she could just ask Maya about it. She thinks Maya is at a point now that she would talk about it if she asks, but Carina doesn’t want to have to ask. She wants Maya to be the one to start that conversation. She wants Maya to be the one to own up to it. She wants Maya to initiate.

Carina zones out again.

The ceiling seems whiter than two days ago for some reason. She looks from one corner of the ceiling to the other three corner. They are all the same. Bright white.

A car alarm sounds outside bringing her back to her thoughts.

The abuse, the stresses at Maya’s job could be factors. But what else?

Carina shakes her head. She needs to stop thinking about Maya, thinking about excuses for her. The problem is, the problem might always be, that she can’t stop thinking about Maya.

That is Carina’s biggest flaw.

Her biggest flaw is that she cares too much for the people that she loves. Her family, her friends. It’s always been that way. From a young age. She was forced into a role where she was caring for her father, and Andrew, and to an extent, even her mother. She’s always been taking care of someone or finding a way to try to take care of a situation or help in some way.

She cares to a point where she doesn’t think about her own feelings and emotions until way later. She puts other peoples needs and problems and emotions before her own. Even now, with Maya.

Carina knows that’s not a healthy behavior, but it’s rooted deep inside her. It probably isn’t helped by her Italian lineage where families look out for one another even if it’s a detriment to themselves.

She smacks her palm against the hardwood floor. “Damnit.”

Carina doesn’t want to just sweep everything that’s happened under the rug. Even though that might be the easiest thing to do right now. She knows it will only cause problems in the future with her and Maya.

A future she wants with Maya. She’s not surprised by that at all. It’s not really something Carina has put a lot of thought into, but she knows she wants that. But she only wants it if Maya can figure her shit out. That is only if Maya owns up to the horrible behavior she has displayed. Only if Maya makes an honest effort to explain everything to her.

Carina isn’t actually sure the real reason why. She will need to know at some point, but they haven’t gotten to that.

She’s a grown woman and knows not everything is going to be fixed with one conversation. Or in the first conversation. And it shouldn’t be. It should be a process. A continued series of conversations.

Carina gets up from the floor and crawls into bed, tucking under the covers. On the hard cold floor, she doesn’t feel. She just thinks. But in bed, she lets herself feel. The sadness, the anger, the pain. Everything. Once more.

And then she lets it all go.

Carina knows those feelings will linger but she’s not going to let them control her anymore.


It’s inadvertent. Carina bumps into Teddy in the elevator.

“Ciao. Hello.” Carina greets.

“Hi.” Teddy isn’t really in the mood to talk. She hasn’t been in the mood to talk with anybody in the last few weeks. Not since she blew up her relationship and family with Owen.

“How are you?” Carina hasn’t seen Teddy around much lately but wonders about her mental state.

Here she is again, caring too much.

Teddy has mostly just been working and keeping to herself after everyone in the hospital heard what happened. She dodges the question. “Did you work things out with your firefighter?”

Carina hums. “Sort of.” She sighs.

Teddy raises and eyebrow at that. “What does that mean?”

“It means that we are working on it. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget what Maya did, but she is serious about how sorry she is and how stupid it was and how she wants to work things out.”

“And how do you feel about it? I didn’t mean to butt in that day. I just know what it’s like to-“ Teddy sighs.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I know how complicated things can be with Owen.”

Teddy forgets that Carina and Owen had a fling. “Oh, I wasn’t talking about Owen. But yes, him too.”

Carina doesn’t question that. “How are things with him?”

“Not as good as things are with you and Maya, it sounds like.” Teddy shakes her head. “He won’t even talk to me. Unless it’s about the kids.”

Carina hums. “Give him time. He’s an alright guy.”

Teddy scoffs. “An alright guy? You don’t sound very convinced of what you say.”

Carina shrugs. “I just- I don’t know. I guess I don’t know him all that well.”

“You slept with the man.” Teddy feels weird saying that out loud.

“Si.” Carina nods and looks up at the numbers as the elevator descends. They are nearly to the ground floor. “But we never got to know each other. It was just a little fun. A distraction for me at the time.”

“From?” Teddy can’t help but ask.

Carina turns to look at her. She sways from side to side. “I thought I was in a serious relationship with someone, and they just dumped me out of the blue.”

“Do you always have to be such a mysterious Italian?”

Carina grins. She thinks it’s part of her charm. “No, I don’t have to be.”

The elevator dings and the doors open. “We’re here.” Carina faces forward and steps out of the elevator. “Good luck with Owen. Sorry about the-“ Carina was going to say wedding but that might sound insensitive. She leaves Teddy standing in the elevator with her mouth hangs agape.

“Wait.” She runs after Carina. “I need your advice.”

“About?” Carina says as she walks outside.

“Owen.” Teddy says. “How do I get him to talk to me?”

Carina hums.

“I cheated on him. I hurt him. I know that. I know he’s mad and he has every right to be. What did Maya do?”

“Well, you were there.” Carina raises an eyebrow, references the encounter with Maya in the line for the coffee cart.

“That was it?” It can’t be that easy.

“Well, we don’t work in the same building, for one. So that was helpful for me. I didn’t have to see her every day. It was actually a week before she tracked me down. So, I hadn’t seen her at all in that time. She had called me everyday though. She didn’t leave any messages. She was smart enough to not. She would text me though. Little memes or funny cartoons or just a picture of something she liked or thought I might like.” Carina shrugs and looks off into the distance. “It was a signal from her that she wasn’t giving up. I knew one day she would track me down and I would have to talk to her, and we would have to figure out what was going to happen moving forward. They were annoying at first. And I deleted them all without really looking at them, but she was trying to send me things that would make me happy. Which is so stupid, but that’s Maya for you?”

“Stupid?” Teddy wonders.

“No, no, no. Not stupida. But-“ Carina sighs. She doesn’t know how to explain it really. “she just- that was her trying to care. Because she cares about the people she loves. She knew I was sad and she wanted me to be happy. And that was what she did. Even though she’s the one that made me sad in the first place.” Carina looks around the parking lot before starting the walk to where her car is parked.

Teddy wrinkles up her nose at that. “Really?” She can’t really believe that.

“Yes. I might be the only person to understand it though.” Carina smirks. Now she thinks the texts were kind of cute but at the time they were just annoying. “It’s not the same though. Me and her and you and Owen. You guys have years and years of history. There’s a lot of complicated feelings there, I’m sure. Maya and I are new, fresh. It’s easier in some ways.”

Teddy hums. Carina has a good point.

“Your advice did help though.” Carina adds.

Teddy raises an eyebrow and folds her arms over her chest.

“If you love her, forgive her.” Carina smiles. “And I do. I love her. That doesn’t mean I forgive her so easily. And I can’t forget, but there is a path forward for us. I know that. I don’t know what your path forward with Owen looks like or if there is one. Cuz of all the years of- baggage?” Carina raises an eyebrow to see if she has that correct.

Teddy rolls her eyes. “Yeah.”

“My guess is he doesn’t want to see you or talk to you because every time he does he is reminded that you cheated on him. And also, that everyone in the hospital heard about it. It’s humiliating.” Carina didn’t want to see Maya and she didn’t for a week. Which doesn’t seem like that long of a time. But she also didn’t have to have her co-workers know about Maya cheating. “At least, that’s how I felt. I didn’t want that reminder. Which is silly, because I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I was reminding myself.” Carina comes to a stop at her car. She turns to put a hand on Teddy’s shoulder. “My suggestion is to just give it some time. You can’t force a conversation. I’ve learned that the hard way.”

Teddy nods. “Thanks.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a dinner date with my firefighter.” Carina winks. “Just don’t tell her it’s a date.” It’s become her and Maya’s little inside joke now. They don’t call them dates, but they are dates.

Teddy smirks, happy for Carina. That at least one of them can be happy right now. “Sure, have a good time.”

“Grazie.” Carina unlocks her car and hops in.


They are sitting on the couch in Maya’s apartment as a movie plays on the tv. Maya had invited Carina over for dinner with a simple text in the middle of the day. A failed dinner, it turned out, when Maya burned the pot of chili that she was making. She was worried about everything else and forgot to stir the chili for ten minutes and it stuck to the bottom of the pot and burned.

Carina had come in and found Maya sitting on the kitchen floor with a wooden spoon in her hand, a defeated look on her face. She had sat next to Maya and asked what was wrong. Maya told her about the chili, and Carina took the spoon from her hand, getting up to stir the pot, and then do a taste test.

“Oh, yeah, that’s burnt.” She confirmed and turned the stovetop off. She sat down with Maya again, putting a gentle hand on her knee. “It’s just food, bella.”

Maya sighed. “But I wanted tonight to be perfect for you.”

“Maya.” Carina cooed. “We’ll order something. It’ll be okay. It’s not that important.”

“Are you still mad?” Maya asked.

Carina sighed. “Maybe a little. But after I had time to process the last couple of days, last night, not so much anymore.” She patted at Maya’s knee before removing her hand.

Maya nodded at the new information. “I just want you to trust me again.”

“I don’t think burnt food is going to sway that one way or the other.” Carina tried to tease.

Maya huffed and rested her head on Carina’s shoulder. “I can’t even make chili, how am I supposed to get anything else right?” She wasn’t really looking for sympathy, just venting a little.

“You know how you can earn my trust back?”

Maya lifted her head from Carina’s shoulder, looking up into Carina’s eye with hopeful blue ones. She thinks she has some ideas.

“By being honest. Which you have been. With the things you’ve said.” It’s the things Maya hasn’t said that still worry Carina a little. “By being accountable. By owning up to your mistake.”

“I have.”

“Have you?” Carina narrowed her eyes at Maya.

“Yes?”

“Try again.”

Maya hung her head. “I slept with Jack. Because my dad abused me. Or because I was in denial. Or both.”

Carina waited to hear if Maya is going to say anymore. When she didn’t, Carina got up off the floor and went across the room to order something for them to eat for dinner. She wasn’t going to push. She wasn’t going to initiate.

They ordered food and had a little meal at the table before moving to the couch. Maya asked Carina all about her day and how she was feeling while they ate. Carina asked if Maya did anything during the day or if she just stayed in the apartment. Maya told her she went for a walk, sat at a bench in the park, before going to the store to get the ingredients for the chili.

Maya isn’t paying any attention the movie. She has her arm on the back of the couch, behind Carina, as her mind wanders. It doesn’t just wander; it goes for on a specific journey. She knows now probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but Maya also knows that there isn’t going to be a best time and she needs to tell Carina.

“He didn’t let me have fun. He didn’t let me have friends. I mean I had friends, sort of, but I never got to hang out with them outside school or track. I never got to go to their houses and spend the night. Well, there was one time but then I told him about it and- nevermind.” Now is not the time to go off on a side tangent. “I never got to hang out with people. It was always about training for track and then the Olympics. He controlled what I did. My whole schedule. What I ate. He said serious athletes are on serious diets. It was all protein and fruits and vegetables, lean meats. No candy or sweets. No snacking between meals. Even at home, my family ate differently than I did. My brother got to eat junk food and have soda. I didn’t because I was in training.” Maya sighs as she sees it clearly now.

It took her a long time to realize that what he was doing wasn’t for her benefit. Well, it was for her benefit, in his mind, to get to the goal. But it wasn’t for the benefit of a developing child, teenager, or even young adult.

“Maya.” Carina finds her hand, holding it gently. She turns to Maya, angling her body towards the blonde.

Maya shakes her head. “I didn’t get to do normal teenage things. He had me training and then doing my homework and going to bed everyday after school. On weekends, I was traveling for meets or was doing more training. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in. And if I did, he would come in and dump a pot of ice cold water on my head. I guess I knew he was a little harsh and maybe it wasn’t the most conventional way of training an athlete but the results where there, so I didn’t question it. I won nearly all my races. If I didn’t win, I knew it just meant more training so a ran to avoid that after a while.”

She looks down at her hands. “Everything he had me doing had I certain mentality to it. So, in my mind it was all about the focus and getting to a certain goal. When I reached that goal he would give me a pat on the back and then start right away on the next goal. He would tell me that only winners got congratulations or a hug at the end of a race. He made love and affection conditional. I had to earn it.” Maya understands that now. She sees how he did that. How he manipulated her.

“Eyes forward at all times. The only thing that mattered was the finish line.” Her voice is cold, militaristic, as she mimics her father.

“I never got to date or have a boyfriend.”

“Or girlfriend.” Carina says to try to lighten the mood.

Maya laughs cynically. “He would have gone berserk if he knew I had a girlfriend.”

Carina sighs sadly. “Even now?”

Maya shrugs. “Probably.”

Carina gives her a sad smile.

“I’m sorry.” Maya matches Carina’s sad smile.

“For what, bambina?”

“I’m sorry that he is the way he is. I’m sorry that I am the way I am because of him. I really am. I’m sorry that I can’t tell him that I’m bisexual. Or that I have a girlfriend?” Maya wonders if she gets to call Carina that anymore, or again.

Carina smiles softly. “Si.” She leans in and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Maya’s mouth. “Fidanzata.”

Maya sighs, relief washing over her. “I’m sorry that he doesn’t get to know you or see how amazing, and talented, and brilliant, and funny, and sexy, and everything that is light and wonderful in life that you are. And part of me feels like I’m hiding that, you, because I can’t be honest with him. But I don’t want to hide you or- I want to tell everyone about you and how amazing you are and how happy you make me. But I can’t do that with him.”

“And I ruined what we have because of him. Because he taught me that love, and kindness, and rest, and sleep, and general happiness, and I’m sure other things that I haven’t even thought about yet, weren’t important. Or weren’t things that I was allowed to have or want. That they weren’t things that I needed in life. That they were just distraction from achieving a goal. So, I’m sorry.”

“The thing that scares me the most isn’t that I can’t love or can’t be happy. Cuz I can be. You’ve shown me that I can be.” Maya smiles a little. She’s more than pleased that Carina has come into her life and shown her that.  “It’s that I am going to always feel like I don’t deserve those things. It’s that I will always be hesitant and resistant to those things. Or that I will find some way to sabotage those things. Like I did with us. With you. And I can’t promise anything, or that I won’t try to distance myself, or hurt you, or just do something stupid again. So that’s what scares me the most because you don’t deserve that.”

Maya lifts Carina’s hand to her lips and presses a kiss to the back of it; and the then flips her hand over and presses a kiss to her palm before wrapping Carina’s fingers over the palm, sealing the kiss in her hand. “Cuz I love you. I do. So much. I’m in love with you. So much that it hurts. It hurt when I did what I did. I think part of it was about me and punishing myself for wanting love, for needing love, because I had been trained not to. And I needed to do something to make myself feel terrible. And making the person I love the most in this world feel sad and hurt and terrible would make me feel the worst.” Maya is crying now. She doesn’t know when it started. It’s the slow silent tears that just slip from her eyes every few seconds. “It wasn’t a mistake. You keep saying it was a mistake, but it wasn’t.”

Carina screws her face up. “No, not mistake. Sometimes I- English isn’t my first- you know what I mean.”

Maya nods, knowing that Carina doesn’t always use the right words with the correct meaning for a situation. “I knew what I was doing. I was doing it to hurt myself and you. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I’m sorry that I threw it in your face just to hurt you. I really am. I regretted it as soon as I saw the look on your face. That devastation.” Maya rubs the tears from her cheeks with the heel of her right hand.

Carina isn’t sure what to say. She chews on her lip as the thinks about how to respond. She hears everything that Maya is saying. She’s glad Maya is owning her actions. She understands where she’s coming from, but she’s scared about how Maya thinks this could happen again. Carina doesn’t want to go through that hurt again. She doesn’t want Maya to cheat on her again and feel that pain. She doesn’t know if she could handle that without completely falling apart.

Maya can see the doubt on Carina’s face, in her eyes. “I know that’s not what you want to hear; but I’m just telling you what goes through my messed up head. I don’t think it would be cheating because that was too painful. For both of us. But some other form of self-sabotage or sabotage. I will try though. I will try to address the problems head on. I will try to be better, do better because you deserve someone who is honorable and a stand up human being.”

“Maybe you should see someone else.” Carina suggests.

Maya cocks her head to the side, panic rising in her chest at Carina suggesting she see other people. How is that the solution here?

“Like therapy.”

“Oh.” Maya breaths a sigh of relief. “Right.”

“What did you think I was saying?” Carina wonders.

“Uh, um, just that you wanted us to see other people.” Maya mumbles quickly.

Carina chuckles lightly. “Come.” She pats at her leg.

Maya furrows her brow.

“May I?” She wants to ask and make sure it’s okay that she touches Maya before she does. She gets a small nod from the blonde. Carina reaches out and pulls Maya’s leg over across her lap before doing the same to the other, this time with Maya moving with her until she is sitting sideways in Carina’s lap. Maya wraps an arm around her neck. Carina sets a hand on Maya’s thigh, softly. “It’s scary. What you just told me.” Carina says it in a whisper.

Maya nods. “I know.”

She looks down at her hand on Maya’s leg, not able to look into her eyes. “But I’m glad that you did. So, thank you. It’s good to be honest with each other.” She looks up now. Her bottom lip quivers a little. Carina let’s out a shaky breath. “So, I’m going to tell you that it scares me and that I might always have that thought in the back of my head that you will go out and cheat on me every time we have an argument.” Carina hopes that this isn’t the case and that they can both learn from what’s happened and how they can better handle arguments and issues in the future, so there is never a repeat.

Maya grimaces. “I don’t want to. I didn’t want to. I just had this rage inside of me- I’m terrified of that too- by the way. I was in denial, and I was angry, and god, I’m so stupid.”

“Maybe.” Carina smirks a little. A lightheartedness returning to their conversation.

Maya chuckles and rolls her eyes. “I want to try, and I want to make this work and I want to be with you. I want-“ She shakes her head and then lays it on her shoulder that is propped up on Carina’s shoulder. “I WANT.” She says emphatically. “I want, Carina. I’ve never let myself want anything before. Well, anything that my father didn’t want for me. Or for himself.”

Carina just smiles at Maya. It’s so simple, maybe.

“What?” Maya asks of that smile.

“Look at you.” She’s glad Maya is telling her all of this. She’s happy, relieved that Maya is forthcoming and owning up to her actions.

Maya looks down at herself.

Carina laughs. She didn’t mean literally. “Maya, everything you are saying right now proves that you want to try and are willing to put in the effort to make this work. And, really, that’s all I can ask, because if we don’t have that, then this won’t ever work.” She kisses Maya softly at that. “Maya, you are amazing. You are brave. And so beautiful. Sure, there’s stuff you need to work on. Heck, there’s stuff we both need to work on, stuff that I need to work on. I need to realize when I’m being pushy or that you need space. I know that now. It’s part of us learning how to communicate together, to grow together. Which I think is a positive thing and a beautiful thing. I’m willing to work with you to get through this. Bambina, you make me so happy. Happy like I’ve never felt before. Happier than my work, or my family, or anything else.”

“Really?” Maya smirks a little. She can’t believe that’s true, or possible.

“Really.” Carina connects their lips for another kiss. “Ti amo, Maya Bishop.”

“I love you, too.”

“You talk about me deserving not to be hurt. But, Maya, you deserve not to be hurt either. You deserve love and happiness and all the good things in life. No matter what your dad did or said to convince you that you didn’t. We both do. It doesn’t have to be one of us or the other. I think it is possible for both.”

Maya’s heart swells. “I love you so much.” She tightens her arm around Carina. Sometimes she feels like she just needs Carina to tell her stuff like that. To reassure her. To let her know that it’s okay. That it’s okay to feel feelings, and to love, and be loved. Words. Words of affirmation. She needs those words from Carina. “Can you keep telling me that? Especially if I forget.”

“I will tell you everyday, if you need me to.”

Maya nods. That sounds perfect.

Chapter 18

Notes:

In this installment is a little lunch date, some talk about taking a little weekend getaway, the beginning of said getaway (which comes with it's own challenging thoughts and conversations).

Anyone from or every been to Victoria, British Colombia? That's where they're going.

In my head, the left side of the bed is Maya’s and Carina is on the right side. Like always. That’s how I always envision it. I don’t know why. I think it goes back to the scene where maya says she’s the truck.

Chapter Text

Maya has the day off. She texts Carina in the morning.

“I have the day off. Can I come see you?”

Maya knows it’s rather forward, but she has an idea. She’s just not sure if it would be appropriate to show up unannounced at the hospital with where their relationship is at right now. She wouldn’t say it’s rocky, but she would say that she’s in the doghouse, sort of.

Carina says she is free from 11:30 until almost 1.

“I’ll come by, and we can have lunch.”

Maya goes on a little mission before she goes to the hospital. The little bell above the door jingles as she enters the flower shop. She looks over all of the arrangements in the shop.

“Are there any other choices?” Maya asks the shop owner. She isn’t satisfied with anything she sees.

“No ma’am. This is it. But-“ He raises an eyebrow at Maya. “If you wanted to create your own selection, you can do that.”

He helps Maya look through all the different flowers and colors that he has. She spends a long time looking everything over and thinking about what she wants to see in the arrangement. Type of flower, colors, what they could represent.

Maya isn’t sure about flower meanings, and she thinks ultimately it doesn’t really matter. It just needs to look nice. And Carina has to like it, of course.

She frets over the choices for thirty minutes. The shop owner quits helping her after about fifteen minutes, telling Maya that she is free to mix and match as long as she doesn’t damage anything.

In the end, Maya chooses an arrangement with some pink carnations, three red roses, three orange roses, a bit of baby’s breath for a splash of white, and some black-eyed susans to add a little yellow.

“So, who’s the lucky person that is receiving such a thoughtful bouquet?” The shop owner asks as he rings up Maya’s flowers.

“Oh.” Maya blushes. “My girlfriend.”

The old man just nods as he focuses on the price. “Well, it’s a good, unique selection. Most folks just come in here and pick up something that’s already put together. They don’t have the time or patience to select each individual flower like you did.”

Maya gives him a tight-lipped smile. “She’s pretty special.”

“She must be.” He tells Maya the total and she pays and makes her way to the hospital, vase of flowers in her hand.

She gets to the cafeteria at 11:31. Only a minute late. She sends Carina a text to let her know that she has arrived and that she’s waiting in the cafeteria.

Maya sits down at a table and wishes there were somewhere she could hide the flowers, so Carina didn’t see them as soon as she walked in. But there isn’t. So, she sits there, flower vase directly in front of her, her hands folded together on the tabletop. Her left leg bounces anxiously underneath the tabletop.

It’s about five minutes before she sees Carina walk through the door. Maya sighs, a peaceful smile spread across her lips, replacing the anxious expression she had previously. There Carina is, in her white lab coat, deep red turtleneck, and grey pencil thin dress slacks, looking as gorgeous as Maya has ever seen her.

Carina comes in and stops and looks around to find Maya. “Oh, dio mio.” She spots Maya over in the corner with a bouquet of flowers sitting in front of her. Carina holds her hand over her heart as she crosses the room. “Maya Bishop, che cosa hai fatto?”

Maya stands up as Carina approaches her. She shrugs. “I thought it would be nice.”

Carina leans into Maya’s side. Maya wraps an arm around her back, and they share a quick kiss.

“They’re lovely.” Carina appraises the flowers.

“Good. I’m glad you like them cuz I picked each one out individually. I think the shop owner was rather annoyed with me. Or maybe he was just curious as to what kind of nut I am to spend half an hour looking at flowers before being satisfied.” Maya blushes a little at the admission.

“They’re wonderful. You’re wonderful.” Carina presses a kiss to Maya’s temple. Maya glances over at Carina with big hopeful eyes. “Should we get something to eat?”

“Sure.” Maya nods.

Carina finds Maya’s hand, tangling their fingers together and leading her to the food line.

“Do they have any good food here?” Maya asks as they wait for the few people in front of them. She hasn’t been to the hospital cafeteria yet.

“Sometimes yes and sometimes no.” Carina tells her honestly.

“You’d think a hospital would serve only healthy food.” Maya comments.

“You’d think a hospital would serve comfort food.” Carina counters. Maya hums.

They go back to the table with the flowers and sit next to each other. They eat quietly.

“You got corn.” Maya comments.

“I did.” Carina raises a curious eyebrow over at Maya, wondering why she’s pointing out the corn.

“Ya know, you’re going to have corn poops.” She points her fork at Carina and smirks.

“Maya!”

“What?”

“We’re eating.” Carina can’t believe that this is the topic of conversation that Maya has decided to go with.

“Yes. And if you eat that corn, you’ll have corn poops.” She giggles childishly.

Carina shakes her head but there is a smile on her face. She can’t help it.

Maya leans into Carina’s side and whispers. “Corn poops.”

“S-stop.” Carina giggles.

Maya nudges her with her elbow. “Corn poops.”

That gets Carina really laughing. Maya laughs too. Carina’s laugh is just too infectious not to laugh. “You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you?”

“Maya. Stop.” Carina holds onto her stomach as she can’t stop laughing. They giggle like school children for a little bit.

“Why doesn’t the body digest corn?” Maya asks seriously.

“I don’t know.”

Maya scoffs. “You’re a doctor and you don’t know?”

“I’m not a corn doctor.” Carina bites her lip; they share a look and start laughing again. She sighs happily and rests her hand on Maya’s thigh. “Thanks for coming down.” She whispers.

“I wanted to see you.” Maya shrugs. Sometimes it’s as simple as that. There is a certain comfort for Maya by just being in Carina’s presence. She’s never felt that before with someone and sometimes she just needs it and today she was able to achieve that.

“Thank you for the flowers.”

“You’re welcome.” Maya puts her hand on top of Carina’s on her leg, giving it a squeeze and then leaving it in place there. She strokes her thumb over Carina’s skin automatically.

“I’ll put them on my desk in my office.”

“Okay.”

“Do you work tomorrow?” Carina asks. She wants to see Maya outside of a work setting.

“I work the next two days. Day shift.”

Carina is disappointed to hear that.

“That’s why I wanted to come see you today.” Maya admits.

Carina nods. It makes sense.

“Oh, nice flowers Dr. DeLuca.” Levi Schmitt comments as he walks past their table.

“Thanks. Maya got them for me.” Carina smiles, bashful.

He stops and grins at the pair. “That’s really cute.”

Maya blushes a little. She recognizes the doctor from when she was in the hospital after she fainted.

“Any special occasion?” He inquires.

Maya shakes her head.

“No.” Carina says verbally.

He wishes he had someone that would get him flowers for no good reason. He wishes Nico would get him flowers for no good reason. “Okay, well, have a good day.” Levi rushes off.

“A friend of yours?” Maya asks.

Carina hums. “Not particularly. I don’t really know him. I see him in passing all the time though. He always seems to be running all over the hospital.”

“He’s cute.”

“He is cute.”

“Oh, you thinking of leaving me for him?” Maya jokes.

Carina frowns, not finding it funny. “No.”

“Too soon?”

Carina nods. “Plus, he’s gay.”

Maya hums and nods. She realized that she dampened the mood with her stupid little joke. “I could talk about corn poops again.” She grins, trying to get Carina to smile.

“Maya, no.” She giggles and wraps her arms around Maya.

Maya smirks pleased that she got Carina to laugh today. It feels good. She got to laugh today too. They’ve had too many days recently where there hasn’t been any laughter, so this is a wonderful little change. “Cuz you thought that was funny.”

“No, it’s gross.” Carina shakes her head.

“Well, if you’re going to eat corn then you’re going to have corn poops.”

“Stop.” Carina whines and presses her forehead to Maya’s shoulder.

“Kiss me and I’ll stop.” Maya surprises herself as the words tumble from her mouth.

Carina looks up. She catches Maya’s eyes and stares into them before reaching up and resting her hand on Maya’s cheek, turning her face slightly so she is aligned for a kiss. Carina leans in slowly and licks her lips as she does. She doesn’t even care that they are in the hospital cafeteria and there are people around them. She presses her lips to Maya’s softly. She shifts her lips against Maya’s before pulling back slightly. She looks down at Maya’s lips before leaning in again.

Maya brings her hand up to wrap around the wrist of the hand that Carina has on her cheek. She parts her lips slightly, changing the kiss, poking her tongue out to flick against Carina’s lips.

This feels monumental considering Maya has been struggling with the physical aspects of their relationships since they’ve been back together.

Carina sucks in a quick breath when she feels Maya’s tongue. “Maya.” She whispers and rests her forehead against Maya’s.

“Sorry.” Maya couldn’t help herself.

Carina rolls her head back and forth against Maya’s forehead. “Come up to my office with me.”

Maya pulls back with shocked eyes. The shock changes to apprehension at the thought of what Carina possibly wants to do in her office.

“Not like that. I have an appointment at one.” She rubs her thumb over Maya’s lips. “I need someone to carry my flowers up to my office for me.” She makes up an excuse just to spend a few more minutes with Maya.

“I can do that.” Maya grins.

“Good.” Carina moves to stand. “I’ll take care of the plates. You grab the flowers.”

They meet at the door and Carina holds out her hand. Maya looks around before shifting the flowers into the crook of her right arm and taking Carina’s hand.

Maya has never really been one for PDA but with Carina she finds herself breaking that rule. She feels proud to hold Carina’s hand. She feels like everyone can see and know that she’s proud to be with this amazing woman. It’s also more intimate than she ever imagined holding hands could be. Maya always thought that holding hands was some silly thing that kids did and giggled about. But there’s a connection there. A connection that can’t be broken. A connection that keeps them tied together even though they are in public spaces, even though they aren’t alone, aren’t at home in their most comfortable zone. Maya feels a certain power in that.


“Can we go somewhere?” Maya thinks a break from their everyday lives is what she might need right now. “Like just a short weekend trip. Maybe Vancouver.” She’s just thinking out loud, basically.

Carina sits on the stool at the island in the kitchen. “What about Victoria on Vancouver Island?” She’s always wanted to go there since she’s lived in Seattle. “Have you ever been?” Carina asks.

“Once, when I was little kid. I don’t really remember much other than that I was excited that I was in Canada.”

“Can we go then?” Carina gets excited about the possibility. It could be a good chance for them to start over, to get reacquainted.

Maya doesn’t see why not. “Okay.”

Carina bites her lip, guilty. “I have a confession to make.”

“Oh?”

Carina nods and grins. Maya looks over expecting Carina to continue talking. She’s been making them lunch with her back turned to Carina but now that Carina hasn’t said anything for a moment she turns around and raises an eyebrow at her.

“I may have- the day we got into that fight- and you left-“

Maya sighs. “Just say it.” She’s ready for a bombshell.

“I was on your laptop looking for a movie to watch but I never got that far. Your search history? Were you planning something, Maya?”

Maya frowns. “Not in particular. I just felt like I needed ideas. I’m crap at dates and activities and stuff. I mean, I’ve lived here my whole life, I should be able to figure out something for us to do. And yet, I can’t.”

“Vieni.”

Maya sets the knife in her hand on the counter and walks over to Carina. It’s very reminiscent of that day they had the fight about Maya’s dad and being in denial. She comes to stand in front of Carina. Carina reaches out and wraps her arms around Maya’s waist, looking up at Maya with a soft smile. “You worry too much.”

Maya rolls her eyes.

“I’m serious. That crap doesn’t matter. We can just sit in the park or watch the sunset. Go for a walk on the beach or go to the pier. Maya, I’d do anything with you. It doesn’t have to be fancy. You know that.”

“I know. I just want-“ She looks away from Carina. “I want to impress you.”

Carina hums. “You know what’s impressive? That playlist you have on your laptop with my name on it. It’s quite the list.”

Maya’s cheeks heat up. “You saw that?” She licks her lips and looks back to Carina.

“I did. I listened to it. I hope that’s okay.”

Maya hums. “Well, I don’t have anything to say to defend myself. They’re all songs that make me think of you when I hear them.” She’s not bothered that Carina was on her laptop or that she saw the playlist or even that she listened to it.

“I like that.” Carina purrs. “I like that you think about me.”

“All the time.” Maya lifts her hands to Carina’s shoulders, massaging them softly.

“Bene. I think about you all the time too.”

“I love you.” Maya sighs happily.

“I love you, too, bambina.” She tugs on Maya’s hips a little.

Maya gets the hint and bends to give Carina a soft kiss. “What are you reading?”

Carina glances over at the magazine. “Medical journal. It’s about catching birth defects.”

“Sounds scary.”

She looks back to Maya. “Not when you know how to treat or correct the defect.”

“And that’s why you are good at your job. Helping mamas out since- how long have you been an OB?” Maya tries to joke.

Carina laughs. She runs her hands down to Maya’s backside. “Longer than you’ve been a firefighter.”

“This isn’t a competition.” Maya warns her.

“No, but if it were, I’m winning.” Carina bites her lip. “It’s not exactly light reading but I need to stay up to date on the latest tests, trials, and procedures.”

Maya nods. “Shall I finish lunch?”

“Si, I’m starving.”

“Then you’ll have to let go of my ass.” Maya smirks.

“Fine.” Carina huffs and releases Maya from her grip. “So, we’re going to Canada then?”

“It sounds like it.” Maya smiles into the pan on the stove. “Do you want to plan it?”

“No, you do it.” Carina knows Maya strives to do something like that. She’s not going to get in the way of that. “Just remember that we can’t spend the entire time out of doors, or indoors, for that matter. I want to see all the buildings and the sights, but I don’t want to spend the entire day on my feet.”

“Got it.”

Carina flips the page on her medical journal. “And we should have a nice dinner at least one of the nights we are there. Nothing too fancy but somewhere where you can’t wear shorts, a t-shirt, and foot thongs.”

“Foot thongs?” Maya smiles at that one. “You mean flip flops.”

“I do. I prefer to call them foot thongs though.” Carina starts reading the next paragraph of her article.

Maya throws some vegetables in the pan. They sizzle in the olive oil.

It’s quiet between them and Maya looks over her shoulder to make sure Carina is still there. Sometimes she’ll do that now. She’ll check to see that Carina hasn’t just got up and left her. Because she knows that she doesn’t deserve Carina and that if the Italian got up and left at any minute that she couldn’t be mad at that for what Maya did to her.


They take the ferry over. The water is rough, and Maya feels a little sick. Carina goes to the gift shop on the boat and buys her some Dramamine. Coming back with two bottles of water and the medicine she sits next to Maya again. She holds out two tablets for Maya to take and then cracks the water open.

“Thanks.” Maya takes the tablets and swallows some water. She rests her head on Carina’s shoulder. “Oh god.” She feels nauseous and it just won’t go away.

“They should kick in in a few minutes. Just close your eyes. And if you have to barf, don’t do it on me.” Carina tells her. She takes Maya’s right hand in hers and rubs circles over the back of it with her thumb.

Maya’s body shakes with a light chuckle. “I’ll definitely try to miss you.”

“Grazie.” Carina looks around the ferry, people watching.

They get to Victoria and make there way to the hotel where they’ll be staying for the next three nights. Dropping off their bags before heading out again.

Maya and Carina spend the afternoon in the harbor area. They see the Parliament buildings, the Empress Hotel. Both of which are huge and very impressive. The spend a lot of time down in the marina. Carina is fascinated by the sea planes. She’s seen them before but hasn’t seen so many in one place taking off and landing all afternoon like she has here.

They get ice cream from a little ice cream stand that is across the street from the Parliament building and start their walk back to their hotel.

“Oh Maya.” Carina goes into the bathroom. They had really just dropped their bags off and were back out exploring. “Look at this tub.” Carina isn’t really one for taking baths. The water usage and all but this bathtub is magnificent.

Maya steps into the bathroom behind her. She puts a hand on Carina’s hip and leans into her from behind. “It’s very- big.” She rests her chin on Carina’s shoulder.

“Will you-“ She knows Maya has been struggling with physical intimate and personal space lately. “Will you take a bath with me?” She turns her head to look back at Maya.

She sees Maya frowning. “I will try.” That’s Maya’s new mantra. I will try.

“Okay.” Carina lets out a long sigh. “That’s all I can ask.”

Maya nods against her shoulder. “Did you want to do that now or after we have something to eat?” She presses her lips to Carina’s shoulder.

“Now?” She gives Maya a warm smile. “Let the ice cream settle before we eat again.”

Maya says she’ll start the bath and Carina goes into the other room and unpacks her bag. She finds pajamas and returns to the bathroom. She takes her shirt off and throws her hair up into a bun, watching her movements in the bathroom mirror.

Maya is done running the bath. “That’s ready. I’m going to grab some clothes for after.”

“Or you could- not.”

Maya scrunches up her face, questioning Carina.

Carina sighs, knowing it too much right now. “Go.” She wonders if Maya is going to go through with this whole bath thing. She understands the problem but it frustrating. It’s even more frustrating that she can’t really do anything to help. She removes her remaining clothes and slips into the tub, relaxing. She waits for Maya but minutes pass by. Carina tips her head back and closes her eyes with a long sigh, figuring that Maya won’t be joining her.

To her surprise, she hears feet padding across the floor a few minutes later. The water has started to cool but isn’t cold yet. If she needs to, Carina will let some water out and add more hot water.

“Hi.” She says just above a whisper.

Maya doesn’t say anything. She puts some clothes on the sink top and starts to peel her clothes off. She doesn’t look at Carina as she does so. She strips and steps into the tub.

Carina sits up a little bit, giving Maya room.

Maya sinks down into the water in the middle of the bathtub. Carina reaches a hand out of the water and puts it on Maya’s shoulder. Maya flinches but then relaxes under the touch. She sighs and sits back, leaning against Carina, sitting between her legs.

“Thank you for joining me, bella. I was getting awfully lonely.” Carina says lightly.

Maya smiles a little. “Yeah. Sorry it took me so long. I was organizing my things in the room. I was- stalling.”

Carina hums. “Can I hold you?”

Maya nods and Carina slips her arms around Maya’s waist. Maya relaxes further, slipping further into Carina’s touch. “This is nice.” Maya hums.

“Very nice.” Carina adds and closes her eyes.

They sit like that for a long time. Maya plays with the bubbles that reside on the top of the water, aimlessly. They add more hot water.

“Can I ask you a question?” Carina feels like now is the right time. Maya is relaxed, she’s relaxed, she’s ready to ask it.

“Go ahead.”

“Why Jack?”

Maya’s hand stills on the top of the water where she was waving it back and forth. “What?” The level of anxiety rises in her body. She was so relaxed for the first time in a long time.

“Why did you sleep with Jack? Not like, why, but why him?”

Maya hums and nods. “Because he was there. Because he walked into my office and started arguing with me. That’s why.”

“So if he hadn’t walked into your office-“ Carina realizes something. “In your office, Maya?” She doesn’t mean to raise her voice, but she was just caught off guard.

Maya sits up suddenly, alarmed at the level of Carina’s voice. She turns to look at her. “Unfortunately, yes.” She gives Carina a pinched smile. “In my bunk.” She shakes her head. “Don’t worry, I threw the sheets away.” Maya reaches up and runs her wet hand over her face in frustration.

Carina didn’t know that little detail. And somehow it makes what Maya did seem new again, fresh again. Carina runs a wet hand down her face, mimicking Maya’s action.

“And, no, if he hadn’t walked into my office, I wouldn’t have cheated on you that day.”

Carina huffs.

“I was angry, and he was angry. It’s a bad habit- No, not habit. Poor decision making on both of our parts. It didn’t mean anything, you know that, right? It was just a release for all that anger.”

Carina nods. “When you said it was Jack, I thought that initially-“ Carina chooses her words carefully. “-that you guys were getting back together or something.”

“God no.” Maya pulls a disgusted face.

“I thought all sorts of things. That’s why I didn’t want to talk to you or return your texts. I thought because it was Jack that it meant something or there was some meaning that I didn’t understand.” Carina pinches at the fading bubbles in the bathwater, avoiding Maya’s intense gaze. “I guess I didn’t know what was happening.”

“I’m sorry.”

Carina chuckles a little. “I forgive you, Maya, you don’t have to keep apologizing.”

“No, but I do. I can see that this has hurt you all over again.” She reaches up and rubs her thumb over Carina’s cheek. “And I don’t want to do that. And I hate that I keep doing that. It breaks my heart to see you sad.” Maya speaks softly but makes sure that Carina hears what she is saying, understand what she is saying.

“What else happened that day? That I don’t know about.” Carina thinks if they just get it all out there right now then the hurt can be over, and there won’t be anymore surprise hurt in the future.

Maya shrugs. “Not much. I went for a run. I ended up at the station. I spent over at hour working out in the gym. I yelled at Andy. I went to my office to do paperwork. Jack came in. We yelled at each other and yeah. Then I came home.”

Carina sighs. “Sounds like a busy day.”

“I was behaving badly, projecting my feelings onto others, and burning with rage and anger that I couldn’t get rid of, so yeah. I was on the warpath, and I didn’t care who I hurt along the way. I wanted to hurt myself the most. That was my main goal. And I managed to do that too. Trying to sabotage my relationships because I couldn’t be honest about my relationship with my father.”

“You really made a mess of things.” Carina looks down at the water.

“I did and that’s why I need to keep apologizing. To remind myself of what I’ve done.” She closes her eyes at the sad reality.

“Maya.” Even though Carina is upset all over again she hates that Maya is still beating herself up about everything.

“I know. I know.” Maya sighs. “Do you want to get out or stay in here?” Maya isn’t really feeling very welcomed in their bath anymore. She starts to stand up but Carina’s hand on her wrist keeps her from getting out entirely.

“Stay.” Carina tugs gently on that wrist to get Maya to sit back down. Maya nods and sits between Carina’s legs with her back pressed up against the Italian’s front again. Carina kisses the side of Maya’s head. “I love you.” She whispers, reminding both of them.

Maya sighs. “I love you too, Carina.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Thank you for finally being able to talk about it.” Maya has been waiting for this moment since she approached Carina at the coffee cart.

Carina hums and sets her chin on Maya’s shoulder. She’s going to think of Maya’s office and bunk differently from now on and probably avoid that area for a while; but it’s good to have everything out in the open now, even if it hurts.

The evening is quiet, calm, casual. They order room service for dinner. They eat sitting next to each other on the bed, sharing their meals.

This will be the first time they’ve slept in the same bed. The time they’ve spent together over the last few weeks has mostly been during the day or running into the evening, but they always go home to their respective beds, except for the one night. It’s something that Maya has spent a lot of time thinking about the last few days, knowing the trip was coming up, know they would be sharing a bed.

So, when Maya comes out of the bathroom and sees Carina laying in bed reading a book, she pauses. It doesn’t have to be weird. Maya doesn’t want it to be weird. And she’s not uncomfortable to be around Carina. That’s not the problem. She’s just worried about the intimacy of it all. She’s worried she’d going to freak out again on Carina. She survived the bath though and that was nice. It’s mostly just a lingering thought now because Carina has been so amazing, and caring, and gentle, and sweet, and everything that Maya has needed; but that thought is still there.

Carina looks up from her book. “Ready for bed?” She notices Maya standing there awkwardly. She pats the spot to her right.

Maya nods, jump starting herself. She hurries over to the bed and slips in under the covers. She lays on her back, her hand folded together over her stomach, looking up at the ceiling.

Carina sets her book on the nightstand and turns back towards Maya. She lays on her side and watches Maya. It’s quiet for a long time.

“Can you turn the light off?” Maya mumbles.

The light on Carina’s nightstand is on still.

“Maya?”

Maya hums.

“It’s just me.” Carina whispers and runs her finger gently up and down Maya’s upper arm.

“I know that.” There’s some agitation in Maya’s voice. “It’s just- we-“

“What are you thinking? Just say that. You don’t have to explain it.”

Maya lets out a long breath. “I don’t want to freak out again.”

Carina is a little surprised by that but it’s not an unreasonable thought. “Okay.” That’s understandable. “Do you feel like you might?”

Maya thinks about it, appraising herself. “No, not really.”

“Okay, then. Can you turn to face me?”

Maya sighs and turns onto her side to face Carina. She tucks her hands up under her chin.

Carina smiles warmly. She reaches out with her left hand, slipping it up between Maya’s hands slowly. She finds Maya’s left hand, untucks it from her chin, holding it between their faces on her pillow. “There.” She kisses Maya’s knuckles. “You’re alright.” Carina encourages. She rubs her thumb over Maya’s hand. Back and forth, back and forth. “Close your eyes.”

Instead of closing her eyes, Maya leans forward and kisses Carina quickly before resting her head back on her pillow. A thank you. She squeezes Carina’s hand.

Maya falls asleep to Carina’s thumb rubbing soothingly across the thin skin on her hand and the sound her soft voice as she whispers little sentences in Italian.

“You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.” Carina whispers in English and presses her lips to Maya’s forehead before reaching back and shutting off the light. “Goodnight, bella.” She settles back onto her side, still with a grip on Maya’s hand.

Chapter 19

Notes:

Thanks for the comments and kudos.

-I feel like Carina gives in more easily to the physically aspects of their relationship. Or any relationships she’s had. Like it’s easy for her to be physically intimate with people but she’s reserved with her emotional intimacy. We see a variations of that again here (and in the last chapter). Part of her is holding back when it comes to feelings. She’s been hurt emotionally before (not just by Maya) and doesn’t want to put herself out there fully only to get hurt again.
-so this is a shorter chapter but I had to break this next part up into two parts because it’s way too long to be one chapter (it’s still way to long but it's almost ready to go). Enjoy. Day two of their getaway.

Chapter Text

Maya wakes up in the morning with an arm wrapped around her from behind and Carina pressed up against her back. She yawns and shifts her legs. She can feel Carina’s breath on her bare shoulder. It’s one thing that hasn’t changed. Maya always sleeps well with Carina around. She actually feels refreshed. It’s been a while since she felt this good when waking up.

Maya looks over her shoulder to get a look at the amazing Italian women who is spooning her in her sleep. Carina’s left hand lays loosely pressed against Maya’s chest. She wraps her hand around it and gives it a squeeze, holding it tighter against her chest. She feels okay like this. There isn’t any panic. There isn’t any freaking out. Maya stays like that for a little while with Carina still asleep behind her.

She starts to get antsy and bored just laying there. It’s not in Maya’s nature to just lay in bed in the morning. She gets up and gets going usually or she has something to distract herself in bed. She never just lays there. So she starts to play with Carina’s fingers, shifting her hand so their fingers lock together or stroking her thumb over each knuckle on each finger. Or tracing the lines in Carina’s palm.

“What are you doing?” Sleep very evident in Carina’s voice.

Maya flinches a little. She didn’t know Carina was awake. She drops Carina’s hand to the mattress. “Nothing.”

Carina giggles and then hums and presses herself up against Maya. She’s missed this feeling. “You can keep doing nothing if you want, but it woke me up. You must know.” She snuggles into Maya from behind.

“Sorry.” Maya tries to look over her shoulder at Carina.

“It’s okay. I very much enjoy waking up to you. We need to get up anyway if we are going to the gardens today.” That’s the activity that Carina wants to do. Go to the Victoria Butterfly Gardens and then the Butchart Gardens. Walk around. Have a nice, peaceful, calm day in nature.

She rolls onto her back and yawns, stretching her arms above her head.


Maya couldn’t decide what shirt to wear to dinner when she was packing so she brought two with. A light blue button down and crisp white one. She pulls her slim fit khaki pants on and slips into a pair of rich brown loafers. “Carina?”

Carina sticks her head out of the bathroom. “Si.”

“Which one?” Maya holds her shirts up to display for Carina.

Carina pulls the towel from the top of her head, letting her hair cascade down her back. She looks Maya up and down, seeing what she’s already wearing. “White.”

Maya looks at the white shirt and then back at Carina. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Put it on.” Carina pops back into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

Maya looks back at the shirts in her hands again. “White it is.” Maya pulls the shirt up her arms. She starts buttoning it as she walks towards the bathroom. “What are you wearing?” She leaves the top three buttons unbuttoned and tucks the shirt into her pants. Maya looks up as she stands at the bathroom door. “Woah.” Her eyes rake up and down Carina’s form.

Carina giggles. “It’s like you’ve never seen me dressed up before. No?”

Maya shakes her head. “I just- you’re always so beautiful. In everything you wear. Or don’t wear.” The black tight pants and a skintight black midriff t-shirt that shows off a little sliver of Carina’s skin between her pants and shirt have Maya taking in every inch of her.

Carina raises an eyebrow at Maya in the mirror as she runs a bit of product through her hair, wearing it loose and wavy. She finishes and turns to Maya. “Thank you, bambina.” She presses a quick kiss to Maya’s cheek and slips past her. “Where are my shoes?” Carina looks around the room for them. “You look amazing, too, by the way. We’re a contrast.” Carina wearing dark clothes and Maya wearing light.

They go to dinner and come back to the room.

Maya goes out to sit on the balcony with a beer. The city lights mesmerizing her into a calm. Not that dinner wasn’t calm. Dinner was plenty lovely and plenty calm. It’s just that there were lots of other people in her restaurant and wait staff cruising around the room, a murmur of conversation in the air. This is quiet calm, the distant sound of traffic about the only thing that Maya hears.

Carina comes out, already changed out of her outfit. She stands behind Maya where she sits in the chair, putting a hand on her shoulder softly, trying not to startle her. “I’m going to bed. Are you going to be coming in soon?”

Maya tips her head back and looks up at Carina. “Yeah.” She shakes the beer bottle in her hand. “I’m just going to finish this.”

Carina nods. “Brush your teeth.”

To anyone else, it might sound like Carina is scolding a child or reminding them to do their normal nighttime routine but she’s not. She doesn’t like Maya’s beer breath. It’s something she’s mentioned before. It’s not the first time.

“Of course.” Maya smiles as she remembers when Carina refused to kiss her or sleep in the same bed as her until Maya had brushed her teeth after having some beer one evening as they watched a movie. So, she makes sure to brush her teeth after she has a beer now. It’s not a big deal.

Carina slips back into the hotel room. Maya tips the bottle to her lips, throwing her head back and downing the rest of it. She scrambles up from the chair, ducking into the room. She slips her shoes off near the door as she unbuttons her shirt. She had already pulled it from her pants as soon as they got back to the room.

She glances over at the bed as Maya gathers her pajamas and goes into the bathroom to change and brush her teeth.

Maya neatly folds her shirt and pants and sets them next to her suitcase. Carina is in bed but tonight she’s on her phone instead of reading her book. Maya comes over and gets into bed. “Whatcha looking at?”

Carina hums and tilts the phone so Maya can see. “The pictures of all the pretty flowers I took today.”

“There was one thing I saw today that was prettier than all the flowers.” Maya knows. She spent most of the day just watching Carina take everything in at the gardens.

Carina doesn’t remember Maya saying anything about anything other than the flowers. “What?”

“You.” She smirks.

“Maya.” Carina can’t believe how corny Maya is sometimes.

Maya scoots over so they are shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. “The way you move about effortlessly, taking in all the beautiful that the gardens had to offer. The awe you had on your face at some of the vibrant color. Simply beautiful.”

Carina smiles softly. “You know, if you weren’t so adorable and I wasn’t so in love with you I would think what you just said was creepy. Did you even look at any of the flowers?”

Maya shrugs. “Some.”

“Here.” Carina has put all the photos from the day into an album on her phone. She starts back at the beginning and goes through the photos one by one, sharing them with Maya.

Maya lays her head on Carina’s shoulder after a while as they flip through the photos. There are a lot. “Did you have a good day? Did it live up to your expectations?”

“I don’t know.” She did and she didn’t. Maybe Carina’s expectations were too high. Maybe she thought she and Maya would have this fabulous day and everything would be magical. But it wasn’t. Not really. Not that there was anything wrong with the day. The day was good. A quality day. There just wasn’t anything special about it, Carina thinks.

“What?” Maya picks her head up and looks up to see Carina with a sly grin on her face, teasing Maya a little with her words.

“Yes, I had a good day. Did you have a good day?”

“It was very pleasant.” Maya lays her head back down. “Calm. No big hiccups. So, overall, a success.”

“I had a wonderful day with you, bella.” Carina presses her lips to Maya’s head, leaving them there for a few seconds. She always enjoys spending time with Maya no matter what they are doing.

Maya tucks her arm behind Carina. “It was pretty good.” She hugs her arms around Carina, locking her hands together on Carina’s opposite hip. “Are you ready for tomorrow?”

Carina puts the phone down. “How can I be ready for tomorrow when you won’t tell me what we’re doing.”

Maya smiles. “I don’t want to ruin it.”

“It’s not something crazy, is it?”

Maya shakes her head. “No.”

Carina settles further into Maya’s embrace. “I’m glad we did this.” Carina says quietly. “It was a good idea.” She feels like she needed this time away to unwind. To just relax and forget about everything for a while. Except for her and Maya. It doesn’t feel awkward or like there’s any added pressure like how it sometimes can be after a falling out and reconciliation. It just feels like them again and Carina absolutely loves that easy feeling. She knows that doesn’t make everything all better magically but it’s good to feel good again.

Maya yawns. It has been good. They’re learning how to be together again without the pressures of work or friends or any other distractions from home. It’s like a reset. “I do come up with a good idea every once in a while.” She yawns again.

“Are you tired?”

Maya just nods. “Can we go to sleep?” It’s pretty early yet. “I slept so well last night.” Maya pulls her arms back from around Carina. “The best I’ve slept in a long time.”

“Only if I get to cuddle you.” Carina smirks.

Maya pauses and looks at Carina for a moment. “Of course.” She scoots down to lay on her back and wait for Carina. It only takes a moment for Carina to lay down too. “How do you want me?”

Carina raises an eyebrow at Maya. “You know- nevermind.” She leaves the seductive nature of that question alone. “Vieni qua.” She opens her arms and Maya practically jumps into them.

Maya doesn’t know what’s changed but she needs Carina’s touch again. Something has shifted in the last two days. Maybe it’s just that they’ve spent honest time together and Maya is feeling comfortable again. More comfortable in her own skin. More confident that she can work through her issues and turn things around with Carina. She needs that feeling. She nuzzles herself into Carina’s chest as Carina wraps her in a tight embrace.

Carina needs it too. She sighs happily at being able to hold Maya again. “How do you feel?” She rubs a hand up and down Maya’s back slowly.

“Right now? Relaxed. A little nervous. But just a tiny bit. Happy.”

“What are you nervous about?” Carina asks.

Maya doesn’t say anything right away. “There’s just-“ It’s hard to put the feeling into words. “There’s this feeling, I don’t know what it is. Uncertainty, maybe.”

“About?”

“Us.”

Carina cranes her neck to try to get a look at Maya’s face.

“I just- what if we can’t get back to where we were. What if I’ve ruined it permanently? We were good, right? We were happy, despite everything that was going on, right?” She just needs to ask. Just one more time. She needs to make sure that Carina is in this with her.

“Si. Yes.” Carina takes Maya’s hand in hers. She interlocks their fingers. “We were. I was. But I am again now so-“ Carina shrugs. She doesn’t see the use in comparing before to now. It just isn’t the same. They were good before, but Carina thinks they have the potential to be so much better now. “Try not to compare then and now. It’s different. Things have changed. And not in a bad way. I feel closer to you now. Not physically but emotionally. You’ve shared with me the worst, most difficult, most painful parts of your life, yourself. We, as humans, are shaped by our experiences. To hear about your experiences, I feel like I understand you better, Maya. I feel closer to you.”

“You’re fucking wonderful.” Maya doesn’t know if she can say the same thing. She doesn’t think she can say she feels closer to Carina or understands her better though. It’s just not true because Carina hasn’t shared anything about her life with Maya. A little bit about Andrew, but that’s not much, just that he was sick. Most of Carina’s past is still a mystery to Maya. Maybe that’s where the uncertainty comes in. In Carina’s lack of sharing.

But she does feel a bit of relief, like she doesn’t have a secret. Not that she saw her father’s abuse as a secret. A weight has been lifted. A sense of security has replaced it in the way Carina has just accepted her for all her flaws. So, in that sense Maya feels more grateful for Carina. Luckier, maybe. She feels like Carina could have anyone in the whole world and she keeps choosing Maya.

“If you say so.” Carina tries to deflect. She doesn’t feel like she’s that wonderful.

Maya lifts herself up onto her elbow so she’s hovering over Carina. “Fucking.” She kisses her. “Wonderful.” She kisses Carina hard, trying to convey her point through her lips. Maya pulls back and looks down into Carina’s eyes. “I love you.” She whispers and waits for Carina to say it too. Maya can’t get enough of those three words coming from the Italian. Whether she says it in English or Italian. Maya’s stomach flips every time she does.

“I love you, bella.” And she does. She loves Maya. She knows that for certain.

Maya sighs happily and resumes her positions on Carina’s chest, waiting for sleep to take her.

Chapter 20

Notes:

-thanks for all the comments and kudos on the last chapter
-okay so this is a long one (8000 words). I broke off the last chapter from this but it’s still long. But I don’t want to break it up any further because it all goes together.
-days 3 and 4 of their little getaway,
-sexytime so NSFW
-enjoy.

Chapter Text

Maya’s activity is visiting a bunch of historic houses/Victorian homes/museums in the area including Helmcken House. Which was built by Dr. John Sebastian Helmcken. A surgeon with the Hudson’s Bay Company. She’s got a whole list, with addresses that she’s mapped out. Maya is well prepared for their journey today.

They enter the property and Carina reads the sign at the entrance telling them what the place is. Maya, of course, already knows. When Carina realizes what the place is she cozies up to Maya’s side and takes Maya’s hand in hers, interlocking their fingers, putting her opposite hand on the inside of Maya’s elbow. “Maya, what is this place?”

Maya shrugs. “Let’s find out.” She leads Carina further into the house. They look around at all the ‘old’ stuff. In the doctor’s office, they see his medical kit. He was the first doctor in Victoria, the first president of the Canadian Medical Association, and a politician.

“Look at that.” Carina bends at the waist to get a closer look at the items. She can’t imagine practicing medicine back in the day. Things were so archaic. There was so much they didn’t know. It was more of a guessing game at times than anything.

Maya hums, standing there with a pleased smiles on her face as she takes in Carina’s enthusiasm. She knows she made the right choice in activity today. It’s not like she doesn’t enjoy this too. Maya loves old buildings, and architecture, and history.

They look over everything and then head outside again. “Should we take a photo?” Maya suggests.

Carina bites her lip and nods, excitement evident in her eyes.

Maya pulls her phone out of her pocket. They position themselves in front of the building, the building being the background for the photo and Maya holds the phone out in front of them. She snaps a few pictures of them. She’s about to stop when she feels Carina lean into her side and a press of lips to her cheek. Maya grins fully and snaps a few photos with Carina kissing her cheek. Carina lifts her hand to Maya’s opposite cheek and turns her face, so she can kiss her on the lips. Maya forgets about taking photos anymore. She puts her hand on Carina’s collarbone and leans into her, deepening the kiss.

They get lost in each other, in their kiss, that is, until a screaming child goes by on the sidewalk with its mother. They split apart and Maya hides her face in Carina’s neck. Carina wraps an arm around Maya, holding her there for a minute. “Someone woke on the wrong side of the bed.” She mumbles about the cranky child.

“Sounds like they need to go back to bed.” Maya adds.

Carina chuckles. “You’re probably right.” She rubs her hand up and down Maya’s back. “Where to next?”

Maya takes a step back, finding Carina’s hand and leading them to the next stop.

Late lunch is had at a taco truck and that’s when Maya learns that Carina loves tacos.

“Just because I’m Italian doesn’t mean I can’t like foods from other cultures.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “I know that. It’s just-“

“We haven’t spent any time exploring that together, yet.” Carina finishes Maya’s sentence. Maya can only lick her lips and nod in agreement.

At the end of the historic house tour that Maya has led them on; Carina asks if they can just stay in on their final night in Victoria. Maya isn’t going to say no to her.

“Whatever you want, babe.” Maya mumbles. “But what about supper?”

“Let’s pick something up now.” Carina pulls them off to the side so she can look up a place on her phone where they can pick up something to eat. “This way.” She steers them in the direction of a local grocery store. “Was there a microwave at the hotel?”

“I think there was one down in the lobby in that little breakfast corner that they have set up.” Maya thinks she saw one there.

Carina nods and grabs two Cup of Noodles. “Vieni.”

Maya follows her around the store dutifully.

“Pick something.” Carina has them come to a halt in the candy aisle.

“I don’t know. I don’t really eat candy.” Her father’s stern voice vibrates in her head, scolding her about junk food.

“I said pick something.” Carina commands.

Maya’s stomach does a funny little flip at the tone of Carina’s voice, the stern command of it, the sexiness. Maya looks over all the candy options. She grabs a bag of Skittles.

Carina giggles.

“What?” Maya feels self-conscious about her decision, already reaching to put them back.

“Taste the Rainbow.” Carina winks at her.

Maya sucks her lower lip into her mouth, chewing on it.

Carina grins like she has a secret and reaches out to grab a box of rainbow Nerds. The perfect match to Maya’s Skittles. “Let’s go.”

“Carina, this isn’t very healthy.” Maya whines as she walks behind her.

“I know. That’s the point.” She gives Maya a mischievous smile over her shoulder.

They go back to the hotel room. Maya is still thinking about the ‘food’ they bought.

“Today was amazing Maya, but my feet are killing me.” She sits down on the end of the bed, kicking her shoes off and bringing a foot up to rub it.

The food leaves her mind. “Sit back.” Maya nods at the bed.

Carina raises surprised eyebrows at Maya. Maya nods again. Carina taking the hint. Maya sits on the side of the bed and pulls Carina’s left foot into her lap, massaging it. Carina tips her head back and closes her eyes. She moans as Maya rubs her thumbs into the arch of her foot. “Dio mio, Maya.”

“That good, huh?” Maya chuckles.

“Si.” She gets lost in the foot massage. Maya switches feet after a few minutes and gives Carina’s right foot the same attention that she gave to the left.

Maya finishes and Carina has her eyes closed, her head back against the headboard of the bed. “You good?” She whispers, unsure if Carina is awake or asleep.

“I’m perfect.”

“Yes, you are.” Maya can’t help herself. The opportunity was just waiting for her.

Carina’s eyes snap open and she stares down the bed at Maya. Maya smiles bashfully and shrugs. She holds Carina’s eyes for a long moment before she has to look away. She feels the bed move and sees Carina get up.

“Let’s go.” Carina grabs the noodles.

“Where are we going?” Maya gets up and follows.

The man at the front desk in the lobby has an eye on them.

“I don’t know if we’re allowed to be using this.” Maya whispers. She looks over her shoulder. The man glares at her. “He’s giving us the evil eye.”

“Let him.” Carina puts the cups in the microwave and starts it. “If they didn’t want people using this then they shouldn’t have put it in a public location.”

“It’s for breakfast.” Maya whispers. She feels like they’re breaking the rules and are going to get in trouble.

Carina glances over at Maya. “Right now, it’s for my dinner.” She wiggles her eyebrows at Maya.

Maya chuckles and shakes her head. She can’t believe Carina is breaking the rules, getting her to break the rules. But she also loves the little bit of rebellion that Carina has gotten them into. There’s something scary and freeing about it.

“Get one those coffee stirrers.” She nudges Maya with her elbow.

“Why?” Maya is too worried about the man at the desk to think properly.

“So I can stir these.”

Maya stares at Carina for moment. “Right.” She takes a step towards the coffee maker and takes a stir stick from the bowl next to it. She comes back and holds it out for Carina to take.

“Grazie, bella.” She gives Maya the softest of smiles.

Carina stops the microwave the second before it beeps to tell them it’s done. She pulls the two cups out and stirs them. She puts the stir stick in her mouth and picks up the cups. “You’re going to have to get the door for me. And hit the elevator button.” She says around the stir stick.

They make their way back to their room. Eat the noodles at the little table. Carina changes into pajamas. Maya flips through the channels on the tv looking for a something to watch. Carina opens up the Skittles and pops a few into her mouth. Maya sits at the end of the bed, the tv directly in front of her.

Carina just watches her for a few minutes. She wants to try something. She crawls down the bed with the bag of Skittles in her hand. She knows Maya probably isn’t interested in having any. And she knows that comes from old trauma from her father, but Carina wants to try to ease that trauma and replace it with something else. She kneels at the very end of the bed, at Maya’s hip.

Maya looks over at her, looking Carina up and down.

“Hello.” Carina smiles.

“Hi.” Maya says suspicious of what Carina is doing.

“Want some Skittles?” Carina offers Maya the bag.

“No thanks.” Maya shakes her head and looks back to the tv.

As Carina suspected. “So, you’re going to make me eat these all by myself.”

“I’m not making you do anything.” Maya mumbles.

Carina frowns. “You’re no fun.” She pouts.

Maya looks over, taking offense to that. She holds out her hand. Carina raises an eyebrow and grins lopsided. “Really?”

Maya rolls her eyes and sighs. She knows she’s being difficult. “Yeah.” She sets the tv remote down on the bed next to her and adds her right hand to her left, holding them out together in front of Carina.

Carina shakes a few Skittles from the bag into Maya’s hands.

“Thanks.” Maya shifts them all to one hand and lifts that hand to her mouth putting them all in her mouth and chewing.

“You didn’t just do that?” Carina gapes.

“I think I did.” Maya says around a mouthful of gooey sweetness.

“Don’t talk while you’re eating. You’ll choke.”

“You know the Heimlich, right?” She continues to talk with ‘food’ in her mouth.

Carina nods.

“Then I’ll be fine.” Maya grins, finishing her mouthful.

Carina laughs. “I don’t want to have to save your life, Maya.”

“But you would, if you had to, right? You wouldn’t let me die?”

“Maya, stop.” Carina wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulders.

“Fine. But for the record, I would save you if you were dying.” She means it to be lighthearted, but it doesn’t hit Carina that way and she knows it as soon as the words leave her mouth.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya tighter and presses her face against her shoulder. “Stop talking about death.”

“You’re a doctor. There’s death there.” Maya thinks of it logically.

“I deliver babies, Maya. There’s not a lot of death there.”

“Oh.” Maya didn’t really think about it. “Have you ever lost a patient?”

Carina shakes her head against Maya.

“Oh. Wow. That’s impressive.”

“Have you?” Carina knows the answer. She doesn’t even know why she asks.

Maya sighs. “Lots. I kept count at the beginning, but then I realized I couldn’t do that. It was too hard. So, I stopped. Plus, the number got to double digits at one point and that seemed way worse than just single digits. Just cuz I stopped counting doesn’t make it any easier though.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” Maya reaches up and puts her hands on Carina’s arm that is draped around her sternum.

“Can we stop talking about this?”

“Yeah. Sorry I ruined the mood.” Maya frowns.

Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder. “There was a mood?” She teases.

Maya rolls her eyes. Carina always catches her and makes fun of her for the silly things she says. “I don’t want to make you sad.”

“I know.”

“That’s all I meant.”

“I know.”

“I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy.” Maya locks eyes with Carina.

“Baciami.” Carina whispers, searching Maya’s eyes.

Maya reaches up and puts a hand on Carina’s cheek. She leans in slowly. Very slowly. She checks to makes sure this is alright. Carina nods subtly. Maya closes the remaining distance and presses her lips lightly to Carina’s.

Carina lets out a breath of air through her nose.

Maya rubs her thumb over Carina’s cheek. Back and forth, back and forth slowly. She pulls back, separating their lips and looking down at Carina’s lips. She looks back up and can see the concern in Carina’s eyes.

“Are you sure?”

Maya takes a deep breath. There is some apprehension. “Yes.” She says out loud because she knows they both need to hear it.

Maya stands up, causing Carina’s arms to slip off of her. She holds a hand out, though, and helps Carina stand. She walks them around to the side of the bed.

Maya runs her hands up Carina’s arms to her shoulders and back down again before taking Carina’s hands in hers. She lifts the right hand to her lips and presses a kiss to the back of it before doing the same to the left.

Carina watches intently as Maya moves about.

Maya lets the hands go softly at Carina’s sides. She slips her hands to the Italian’s hips and starts swaying them from side to side.

“What are you doing, Maya.”

“Shh. Dancing.” Maya whispers. She watches Carina’s hips as they sway back and forth.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya’s neck and steps forward to press into her. “That’s not dancing.”

Maya hums as Carina presses their hips together. “I was watching you dance.”

Carina rests her forehead against Maya’s, her hand grasping at the back of Maya’s head, holding her close. She starts to run her fingers through Maya’s hair.

“Can you not do that?” Maya whispers.

“What?”

“T-touch my hair.” She stutters anxiously.

Carina moves her hand immediately. “I’m sorry.”

“No. I just-“ Maya shakes her head, trying to get the thought of her father to go away.

Carina can see her struggling, starting the spin out, losing focus. “Hey, look at me. Focus on me. Listen to my voice. Look in my eyes.” Carina smiles when Maya focuses again. “Come on.” She takes a step back, taking Maya with her before her legs hit the mattress.

Maya refocuses on the magnificent woman in her arms. She reaches down for the bottom of her tank top and starts to pull it up. Carina lifts her arms in the process and Maya tugs it off. Her eyes roam Carina’s chest for a moment before they lift and she’s smirking at Carina.

“Like what you see, bambina?”

Maya leans in and presses her lips to Carina’s collarbone before licking over it. “Mmm, I love you.” She whispers. “All of you.” Her lips move to Carina’s neck.

Carina tilts her head back, reveling in the feeling of Maya’s lips on her neck. She moans as Maya reaches that one spot below her ear and makes her toes curl when Maya sucks on it. “Maya.” She moans out her name.

Carina sits down on the bed, or maybe it’s more that her legs buckle. She looks up at Maya. Maya stands there for a moment before shuffling forward, getting on the bed, sitting in Carina’s lap, her knees straddling the Italian’s hips.

“Hi.” Maya mumbles.

Carina reaches up and tucks Maya’s hair behind her ear before resting her palm on her cheek. “Hi.” She looks down. “Let’s level the playing field.” She says of Maya’s shirt. Maya nods and sits back a little. Carina reaches down, grabbing at the bottom of Maya’s shirt. “Ready?” She asks, just to make sure Maya is comfortable with this. Maya nods and Carina slowly lifts the shirt, Maya lifting her arms at the same time, up and over her head.

Carina wraps an arm around Maya and pulls her into her body, their chests pressing together. Maya closes her eyes at the feeling of skin on skin, taking a deep breath of air into her lungs, her chest expanding, pressing harder against Carina’s. Anxiety swirls in her stomach, that sudden feel of panic, but then Carina’s hands are rubbing up and down her bare back.

“You okay?” Carina whispers. She’s watching Maya. She sees her brow twist and furrow, even with her eyes closed, she can see Maya is going through something. She strokes her hands up and down Maya’s back, still holding her tight to her torso, then running her hands down Maya’s arms from the shoulders to her elbows and back up. She holds onto Maya by the shoulder blades on her back. Carina tilts her head up and presses a kiss to Maya’s forehead. “Hey.”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m okay.” Maya sighs and opens her eyes.

Carina smiles at her and leans up to nuzzle her nose against Maya’s. “Bene.” She whispers against Maya’s lips before kissing them. “But if you aren’t good. At any point. You need to tell me.”

“I will.” Maya hopes that doesn’t happen, but is willing to be honest with Carina. She takes Carina’s face in her hands and presses a soft kiss to her lips and then one to the tip of her nose and then her forehead. A thank you to Carina for checking in.

She leans back and looks into Carina’s eyes. The brown’s that she loves so much shine back with so much love, so much tenderness. They are always talking about how Maya feels but never about how Carina feels. Maya can see her feelings right in her warm honey brown eyes right now though. She rubs her thumbs over her cheeks before leaning in to press an exploring kiss to Carina’s lips; one that grows, becoming increasingly passionate.

Carina’s hands find Maya’s backside, pulls her hips against hers. Maya rocks in her lap, creating a little friction for both of them. Maya lets out a shuddered breath, her head tipped back, as she rocks harder against Carina.

“Bambina?” Carina tries to get her to look at her.

Maya is lost in the feeling. It’s been so long since they’ve had sex. Since she’s had a release.

“Are you going to come without me touching you?” Carina questions with an amused smirk.

Maya snaps her head back, her desire filled eyes finding Carina’s. “I might just.”

Carina laughs, hooking her hands under Maya’s thighs and flips them around, pressing Maya to the mattress. Maya looks up at her with amusement and desire. “Impressive.” She bites her lip.

Carina reaches up and throws her hair over her right shoulder. “You think that’s impressive, wait til you see this.” She shimmies out of her sleep shorts and underwear at the same time.

“You’re right.” Maya licks her lips as she watches Carina, content to just lay there for a moment to watch the gorgeous woman undress. Not touching her, not kissing her, just watching and admiring her lean figure, her beauty. “You’re beautiful. So beautiful.”

Carina grins. “Off.” She tugs at Maya’s sweatpants. Maya lifts her hips from the bed and Carina pulls her pants down her legs before laying down on top of Maya, fitting her legs between Maya’s, elbows holding her up a little so all of her weight isn’t on Maya. Carina presses a kiss to the hollow of Maya’s collarbone before licking over it.

Maya tangles her fingers into Carina’s hair at the back of her head, holding her as skilled lips explore her chest, leaving a trail of wet kisses that cool in the air and make goosebumps spark on Maya’s pale skin. Carina’s lips find Maya’s again, sharing a hungry kiss. Carina leans back, rolling her body against Maya’s, arching her back, lifting her chest up and away from Maya.

“F-fuck.” Maya moans at the pressure between her legs, so Carina rolls against her body again before Maya pulls her down on top of herself again. Carina smirks and sucks on Maya’s pulse point. “Carina.” Maya whispers. She so worked up that she’s not going to last much longer. All of her senses tingle, her nerve endings on fire.

Carina shifts to the side a little, leaving just enough room that she can snake her hand down between their bodies. She slips her fingers into Maya’s underwear. Maya hisses and jerks at the contact. Carina slowly strokes over Maya until she feels Maya tensing and arching up into her, searching for release. “Let go, bambina.” Carina whispers in her ear, pressing a sweet kiss to her cheek and Maya comes undone with another stroke of her finger.

Maya’s muscles contracting, a strangled gasp coming from her mouth as she holds her breath and her orgasm rocks through her body. As the intensity starts to fade, Maya sucks in a quick breath of air, wrapping a hand around Carina’s back. She moans out as everything fades into pure bliss. Maya breaths hard as she tries to get her breath back.

Carina alternates between nuzzling her nose against Maya’s neck and pressing soft kisses to her skin. Her hand shifts from Maya’s underwear, to her hip, holding her there.

Maya tilts her head to the side, trying to find Carina’s eyes. When she does, Carina smiles and even though she’s not looking at her mouth, she can see the smile in Carina’s eyes. “Good?” Carina asks.

Maya moans. “Embarrassingly short but fucking amazing.”

“There’s not correct length.” Carina reminds her.

“Still.” Maya shrugs. “It’s been a long time and-“

“Shhhh.” Carina kisses her, shutting Maya up. She runs her fingers up and down Maya’s side.

Maya squirms, breaking the kiss. “That tickles.”

Carina grins. She tickles Maya’s side with more intention.

“Stop.” Maya whines, trying to grab at Carina’s hand, but Carina dodges her grasp. Maya takes matters into her hand, rolling over, rolling into Carina, and pressing her back against the mattress. “My turn.”

Carina chuckles. “You mean my turn.”

Maya shakes her head. “My turn to give you pleasure. My turn to watch you fall apart. My turn to hear those wonderful moans. My turn to worship your body. My turn to taste you and feel you. My turn.” Sometimes giving is just as good as receiving.

“Dio mio.” Carina moans, her eyes rolling back in her head, her hands roam aimlessly over Maya’s back and ass, not sure where they want to be.

Maya doesn’t waste any time. She reaches down, slipping her fingers through Carina’s wet folds, finding her center. Carina gasps as Maya enters her with two fingers. “What happened-“ Carina struggles to focus as Maya starts up a consistent rhythm. “-to tasting and feeling.” Not that Carina is complaining about this, but she thought Maya would take more time to appreciate her body.

“Later.” Maya rests her forehead against Carina’s, staring into her eyes. “We’re not just going one round.” Maya has found her confidence again. Her comfortability again.

Carina moans and tilts her head to kiss Maya. It’s a messy kiss that they can barely connect their lips for, opting for just resting their foreheads together instead. Carina pants as Maya works her closer and closer to her orgasm.

“Keep your eyes open.” It’s Maya’s one request.

“Maya.” Carina whines, close.

A few more strokes and Carina is tensing in her arms. She grits her teeth and groans as her orgasm hits, struggling to keep her eyes open like Maya wanted. Maya grins and that’s all Carina needs to keep her focus on her girlfriend’s face.

Carina comes down from her high as Maya is busy kissing her neck and chest, with special attention to her collarbones and shoulders. She reaches down the bed and grabs the bag of Skittles, shaking some out and popping them into her mouth.

Maya looks up, disconnecting her lips for a moment, to see what Carina is doing.

Carina holds up a Skittle. Maya opens her mouth, and holds out her tongue. Carina drops the candy on her tongue with a happy little smile. Maya chews the red Skittle and holds her tongue out again.

“Your tongue is red.” Carina giggles. She finds another red Skittle and puts it on Maya extended tongue.

Maya chews it again and smirks. She leans down and kisses at the underside of Carina’s jaw.

“Have I told you about self-care Wednesday’s.” Maya is thinking about how this is the longest she’s gone without having sex since, she thinks, the stretch right before the Olympics.

“No.” Carina pops some more Skittles into her mouth, chewing them and waiting for this story.

“I have-“ Maya shakes her head. “Had. I had this thing I called self-care Wednesday’s. Basically, I would go out on Wednesday night. Find somebody to hook up with. So, basically having regular sex.”

Carina nods, understanding the premise. “Is that how we met?”

Maya shakes her head. “No. It wasn’t a Wednesday. And I wasn’t looking for sex that day.”

Carina hums. She doesn’t remember what day of the week it was that they met but she’ll never forget that night.

“So, every week or two. At least monthly. So, five weeks without is a long time for me.” Maya says vaguely but hopefully not vaguely enough that Carina doesn’t understand what she’s saying.

“You didn’t do anything in that time?” Carina strokes her hand up and down the inside of Maya’s thigh, teasing. “Touch yourself?” She watches her hand make its slow movements.

Maya swallows and shakes her head. “Did you?”

Carina smirks and looks up to find Maya’s eyes. “Maybe.”

Maya moans at the thought.

“I’ve had long stretches of time, in the past, you have to do something to scratch that itch.” Carina tells her.

“I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like it. I felt-“

“I know.” Carina won’t make Maya say it.

“How long?”

Carina hums. “I think the longest stretch was like six months.”

“Why?”

“I was back in Italy trying to take care of my dad. I was exhausted most days. I didn’t feel any need. I didn’t want to go out and find a useless hookup either.” Carina thinks back to that time. It was probably one of the most difficult stretches in her life. “So, when I was feeling up for it, which wasn’t often, I took things into my own hands. Literally. It’s perfectly normal.” She’s never told anyone this before. Why would she.

Maya hums. She wonders more about what Carina was doing in Italy and what that period of time was than what Carina did or didn’t do to get a little sexual release.

Carina holds out the bag of Skittles. Maya holds out her hand this time instead of opening her mouth. Carina pours a few into her hand. Maya pops a few into her mouth, sucking on them. The other three she has in her hand she puts on Carina’s belly.

Carina laughs, jiggling the candies. “What are you doing?”

“Hold still.” Maya tells her before pressing her lips to Carina’s throat and then slowly moving them south. She works her lips over the skin of Carina’s collarbone, sinking further into the valley between her breasts, over the faint line that goes down the middle of Carina’s torso that differentiates Carina’s stomach muscles, before finding the Skittles and sucking them up into her mouth. She chews the candies before slipping down the bed so that she can lay between Carina’s legs.

Carina grips the bag of Skittles in one hand and the bed sheets in the other. Maya’s lips driving her absolutely mad, but she absolutely loves it. “Maya.” She moans.

“Patience, my love.” Maya mumbles against the skin of the inside of Carina’s left knees. Her lip work there way up the inside of her legs, kissing and licking at the skin. She kisses her hip bone before sinking down again to Carina’s right leg and working her way upwards in the same manner.

Carina doesn’t remember anything after Maya’s lips come into contact with her most sensitive parts.


Maya wakes up in the morning feeling not as rested as the night before and maybe slightly sore.

She shifts and her senses come back to her. The feel of the arm draped over her stomach, the lingering smell of arousal in the air, the taste of her on Maya’s lips, the sound of the rhythmic breathing of the woman slumbering next to her.

Maya opens her eyes and looks over at her. She’s shocked to see a pair of rich brown eyes glancing back at her. She didn’t know Carina was awake. Maya looks up at the ceiling for a moment.

“How’d you sleep?”

The words bring her back. She rolls onto her side to face Carina, mimic her body position. Maya licks her lips. “Well, someone kept me up late but once I went to sleep it was great.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, this bed is amazing. I think it’s done wonders the last few nights.” Maya bites her lip, suppressing her smile.

“The bed, huh?” Carina raises an eyebrow. She knows Maya is teasing.

“Or maybe it’s the amazing woman in the bed with me.” Maya can’t contain the smile that spreads across her face anymore.

“There it is.” Carina sighs happily. She’s been trying to find that big, full, joyous smile that Maya has for the last couple of weeks. At first, she knew she wouldn’t see it. Things were just too difficult. Maya was in such a dark place. But as the days passed and the worst seemed to be in the rearview mirror Carina vowed she would do anything to see that perfect smile again.

“What?” Maya’s smile flatters.

Carina moves her arm from Maya’s waist, reaching up and stroking her thumb across Maya’s lips. “This smile.”

It returns to Maya’s lips.

“This happy, full of joy, blissful smile that you have when you are content and satisfied. Happy.” Carina shrugs a little. “I’ve missed it.” She moves forward to kiss that smile, her thumb on Maya’s chin. Just a brief kiss to Maya’s lips before she’s retreating. She moves her head back to her own pillow. Her thumb stays at Maya’s chin, running along her jaw, before she lays her hand over Maya’s ear.

Maya would blush or give Carina a bashful smile, but that full happy smile remains in place. She’s happy. Truly happy. There’s a ton of work to do but Maya can see the future now, again. That’s not something she’s allowed herself to think about much. A future with Carina. She tried to ruin it and nearly succeeded but knows that’s what she wants. Wants. And it seems possible again.

Instead of saying all of that. “You’re smile is the best smile though.”

“Thank you, bambina.” Carina giggles.

“Did you sleep well?”

“I did.” She moves her hand from Maya’s head to her shoulder and runs it down her arm until she finds her hand, tangling their fingers together, and lifting their hands so they rest between their faces. Carina presses her lips to Maya’s knuckles. “So good.” She doesn’t elaborate further though.

Maya stretches her limbs a little and feels a little pull in her back. She groans. “I think I might be too old for sex.”

Carina chuckles. “No one is too old for sex.”

“Then why is my back sore?”

“Out of training.”

Maya hums. The saying is ‘out of practice’ but Maya doesn’t bother with a correction. She wonders if Carina ever gets annoyed with people correcting her when she mixes up her words. Maya thinks it’s the cutest, most adorable thing in the world when Carina does, and most of the time she understands what the Italian means, so it’s not a big deal to her; but she wonders if it bothers Carina.

“I guess so.”

“I’ll get you back in sex shape, Captain Bishop.”

Maya moans. She loves it when Carina calls her captain.

“Roll over.” Carina pats at Maya’s arm.

Maya complies, rolling onto her stomach. Carina throws the sheet off of them and sits up. She swings around and sits on the backs off Maya thighs, her hands coming down to Maya’s back. Maya moans at the touch. Carina rubs and needs at the tight lower back muscles.

“You have magic hands.” Maya moans about her massage. Carina smirks but doesn’t say anything. “Oh, right there. That’s the sore spot.” Carina rubs her thumbs to the spot and gets a deep throaty moan from the blonde.

Carina rubs some more but then her hands start to wander. She can’t help herself. Between where she sits and where her hands are on Maya’s back, Maya’s ass on is full display. Her hands move down, caressing Maya’s ass.

“Carina.” It’s a half warn, half moan.

Carina smirks and gives each cheek a squeeze before running her hands up the length of Maya’s back, all the way to her shoulder, bending forward in the process, and laying on top of Maya. It’s her turn to moan at the feel of her body presses against Maya’s. Carina unfolds her legs and lays more next to Maya then on top of her.

They lay there and Carina tries to play with Maya’s hair. It’s something that Maya has seemed to enjoy in the past when they lay in bed together. But Maya pulls her head away. “No.”

Carina furrows her brow. “No, what? I thought you I like it. Do you not like it?” Carina thinks it has something to do with the length of Maya’s hair now. She remembers Maya didn’t want her to touch it last night either.

“It’s fine. I just-“ Maya sighs and rolls onto her back, forcing Carina to roll onto her side to give Maya room, folding her arms over her chest. She still feels like her father has a hold of her even though she cut her hair. Not like a physical hold, but that too, like he will always have a controlling grip over her life, no matter what she does to try to change that.

“I told you about Pac-North.” She mumbles.

“Si, about the bombs and explosions and how your team saved the research. You were very proud of that day. And I’m proud of you.” Carina rubs her hand up and down Maya’s arm.

Maya huffs. “He pulled my hair.”

Carina scrunches up her face. “Who? When?”

“At the scene.”

“Pac-North?”

Maya nods. “He pulled my hair, so I cut it off.”

Carina knows there are lots of missing pieces here, so she’s not connecting the dots; but she sees why Maya doesn’t want her to touch her hair now. “I won’t touch your hair ever again if you don’t want.”

Maya snaps her head over to look at Carina. She doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want Carina to have to restrict herself. She opens and closes her mouth to say something, but no words come out.

“Who?” Carina asks again. She runs her finger across Maya’s brow trying to even out the worry lines. “Jack? One of the guys?”

“No.” Carina’s gentle touch soothes her agitated mood. “My father.”

Carina tilts her head to the side. “He was at the scene?” Maya nods. “Why?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “He came to blame me for the things my mom was saying.” Carina frowns. “He accused me of playing captain while my family was falling apart. He literally said that to make me feel guilty about it. I had a job to do though so turned my back to him to get back to work. That’s when he reached out, grabbing my ponytail from under my helmet, and pulled it to keep me from walking away from him.”

Carina sighs. “I’m sorry, bambina.”

“So, I went back to the station and cut my hair off. And now there’s all these feeling associated with my hair. And his face that I can’t get out of my head when I think about it.” Maya explains.

Carina scoots over and rests her hand on Maya’s chest, over her heart. She lays her head on Maya’s shoulder.

Maya wraps her arm around Carina’s back, holding her to her chest. “So, that’s why. It’s not that I don’t want you to, it’s just that you can’t right now cuz then I think about it.”

“Okay.”

They lay there in comfortable quiet for long minutes both thinking about what Maya just said.

“So, what’s on the agenda for today, Captain?” Carina knows that Maya has an itinerary planned out for almost every hour of their little trip. Even if it’s just in her head.

“We go home.” Maya corrects herself. “Back to Seattle.”

“What time?”

Maya looks over at the clock. “We probably have to leave here in an hour or hour and a half to make getting to the ferry reasonable. Why?”

Carina hums, hand on Maya’s shoulder, chin on top of her hand. “I want to call my brother. I haven’t talked to him since we’ve been here. I don’t want him thinking I’ve forgotten about him or something.”

“How is he?”

“Good. He started back at work this week. Half days.” Carina rolls over and pulls her phone from the nightstand before rolling back towards Maya.

But Maya is pushing herself up to get out of bed. “I’ll give you some space then.” She sits up on the edge of the bed.

Carina reaches out and puts a hand on Maya’s shoulder. “No.” Maya looks over her shoulder, back at Carina. “Stay here.” She wants Maya to be here for this. She wants Maya to get to know Andrea. It’s not that she’s been keeping them apart, but Carina didn’t want to introduce Maya to her brother when he was in his manic state. That might be wrong on her part, but she didn’t want him to make a bad first impression.

Maya has a tight-lipped smile on her lips. “But I don’t know him. He’s not my brother.” She feels like the call between brother and sister is personal, should be between only them. Carina hasn’t wanted her to be around when she’s been talking to or dealing with her brother before. Why should now be different?

“Let’s change that.” Carina gives Maya a hopeful smile, asking her without words to stay for the call.

“Yeah?” Maya needs to make sure it’s really what Carina wants. She knows Andrew is the only family Carina has in the Pacific Northwest. She knows he means a lot to Carina. She knows they have a complicated relationship, but that they love each other. Maya feels like it’s a big deal that Carina might want her to get to know her brother.

“Yeah.”

Maya sighs and gets back into back. She rests her head on the pillow again and lays next to Carina, a little nervous all of a sudden. Carina unlocks the phone, pulls up Andrew’s contact info and hits call. As the phone rings she sets it down on Maya’s chest and puts it on speaker. Maya looks at her with confused eyes. Carina raises a finger to her lips to tell Maya to be quiet.

“Carina, why are you calling me at such an early hour on a Sunday morning? Is something wrong? Is it papa?” Andrew answers.

Carina giggles. “No, fratellino.”

They hear Andrew sigh. “Then why have you woken me up?” He yawns now that the alarm is gone. “You know how important sleep is to me now.”

“You can go back to sleep after we are done with you.” Carina tells him.

Andrew is smart, he doesn’t miss anything. “We?”

Carina hums. “Si.” She grins up at Maya. “I have something I have to tell you.”

“I thought you said nothing is wrong.”

“It’s not.” The opposite is true. “I have a significant other.”

Maya wrinkles up her nose at the term. Carina shakes her head for Maya to not question it. She wants to mess with her brother a little.

“Dio mio. Not this again. Which one of my colleagues are you sleeping with this time? Is it Helm? She has a thing for like every hot female doctor at the hospital. Please, don’t tell me it’s her. Or is it someone else, someone worse? Owen, again. I know him and Teddy are a mess but that’s low. I can’t believe you are doing this again.” He rubs his hand over his face.

Maya can’t keep the amused smile from her face.

“No, Andrea. They’re my colleagues too. And it’s not someone from the hospital.”

He doesn’t mean for his relieved sigh to be so audible but both Maya and Carina hear it.

“Don’t be such a wierdo.” Carina scolds him.

“This is what you had to call me about on a Sunday morning?”

Carina gets serious. “Yes, because I care about you and even though you have a funny way of showing it, you care about me too. And don’t try to deny it. And I want you to get to know this person. They really mean a lot to me.” Carina finds Maya’s eyes and smiles for her.

Andrew groans.

Maya can’t suppress her chuckle anymore.

“Oh, you’re with them right now.” Andrew connects all the dots in his head. Early in the morning, meaning they spent the night together.

“That’s what ‘we’ implies. Si.” Carina grins up at Maya. “Say hi, Maya.”

“Ciao, Andrea.” Maya teases.

“Oh my god.” Andrew groans. “Only Carina can call me that. I’m not sure who you are, but that’s not going to fly.”

Carina and Maya laugh. “Can we video chat?” Carina asks him.

“Fine.” He gives in to his sister and her weird antics. He is curious about this mysterious ‘significant other’ that his sister has. He knows it’s probably something that’s been going on for a while but that he just missed it in his manic state. He hangs up the phone and waits for the Facetime call to come through.

Carina sits up and scoots forward. “Sit behind me.”

Maya rearranges herself so that she has her back to the headboard, her legs spread so Carina can shuffle into place between them.

“You know we don’t have any clothes on.” Maya reminds her.

“I know.” Carina smirks. “Andrea is going to flip is cap.”

Maya wraps her arms around Carina’s waist and pulls her tight to her body. “Lid. Flip his lid.”

“Si.” Carina lifts the sheet and tucks it up under her armpits, holding it in place over her chest. She video calls him.

Maya runs a hand through her hair when she sees their image in the phone. “We look like we had crazy sex all night.” She tries to fix her hair to look presentable. It’s not exactly how she imagined meeting Carina’s brother.

“Well, we did.” Carina smirks and holds the phone closer to her face so it’s just her in the screen that Andrew can see when he picks up.

“Hello.”

“Ciao, Andrea.” Carina grins at her brother.

He rolls his eyes. “Ciao. So, where’s this Maya?” Andrew gets to the point.

Carina grins. “Right here.” She extends her arm out away from her body so that their faces are both in the screen now.

“Hi.” Maya says shyly.

“Andrew meet my girlfriend.” Carina looks back at Maya, a twinkle in her eyes, while she introduces Maya. “Captain Maya Bishop.”

“I know you.” Andrew gasps. He points a finger at the phone.

“You and Herrera helped me find that kid that I lost.”

“So, you admit now that you lost it.” Carina can’t believe him.

They both ignore Carina’s comment.

Maya grins. “We did.”

“Oh my god, thanks for that, by the way. I probably would have lost my job if that kid died.”

“It’s my job. Or it was my job. I’m the captain now.” Maya uses her favorite dumb joke.

Andrew grins. “Are you a pirate too?”

“See.” Maya points at the phone. “He gets it.” She squeezes Carina with the arm that remains around her waist.

Carina just smiles at Maya’s enthusiasm. Her arm slouching a little, Andrew’s view of their faces is more like a view of the bottom of their faces and Carina’s shoulders and the top of the sheet.

“Are you in bed?” Andrew asks as things click into place.

“It’s early yet. Si.” She looks back to her brother, trying but failing not to smirk raucously.

“Please don’t tell me you called me without any clothes on.” Andrew grimaces.

“I told you he’d know.” Maya whispers.

Carina just shrug.

“Dio mio, Carina.” Andrew rolls his eyes. He starts off on a string of Italian. Carina comes back at him with her own Italian rant.

Maya observes the pair argue in Italian. She’s never heard this much Italian come out of Carina at once. She wraps her one arm around Carina’s shoulders and leans forward to watch her speak, staring at her profile, her lips.

Andrew’s words slow down. “Penso che la tua ragazza sia un po' stordita.” (I think your girlfriend is in a bit of a daze.)

Carina looks over at Maya. “Stai bene?”

Maya nods, coming out of her trance. “Yeah.”

“Have you been teaching her Italian?” Andrew asks at the lovesick look on both of their faces.

Carina ignores her brother as she looks into Maya’s eyes. “Bene.” She grins and leans in to press her lips to Maya.

“Really?” Andrew throws his hand in the air.

Carina giggles. “I can’t help it.” She lifts her free hand and strokes her thumb on the underside of Maya’s jaw before pinching her chin in her thumb and index finger.

“Where are you, by the way?” Andrew interrupts.

“Victoria.”

“British Columbia?”

“Yes.” She looks back at the phone. Maya rests her chin on Carina’s shoulder and looks at the phone too. “We’re coming back today. We had a little getaway. I just wanted to call and say hi and I wanted to introduce you to Maya.” Maya squeezes her arms around Carina and presses a kiss to her shoulder. “Did you want to get lunch tomorrow?” She asks her brother.

“Sure.” Andrew nods. “What’s your schedule?”

Carina hums. She’s not sure. “I’ll have to check when we get home. But I’ll let you know.”

“Okay, call me or text me later. When you know. So I can get it onto my schedule for tomorrow.” He’s really trying to focus on organization and timing right now with appropriate time for breaks and rest. “Ciao, Carina. And it was nice to meet you, Maya. Even if it was over video chat.” He rolls his eyes. “And while you are naked and-“

Carina hits end on the call before he can continue. She throws the phone down on the bed and looks back at Maya. “So?”

“He’s goofy.”

“That’s one word for him.” Carina mumbles. She runs a hand through her hair, fluffing it up before throwing it all over to the right side of her head. “Prude. Might be another.”

Maya chuckles. “We aren't all as open as you are.”

“It’s cuz he was raised in this country.” Carina leans her head back on Maya’s shoulder. She groans. “I suppose we have to get ready to go now.”

“Unfortunately.” Maya kisses the side of Carina’s head. “But before we do I just want to say that I really enjoyed this weekend and I’m glad that I got to spend time with you. Uninterrupted.”

Carina hums. “It’s been great.” It’s all she says before pushing herself up and out of bed. She hears the sigh that comes from Maya as she walks to the bathroom. Something twists in her chest at the sound.

Maya looks down at the sheets and wonders if she’s doing something wrong or if she needs to be more upfront about what she wants from Carina. She just wants to know more about Carina. Calling Andrew was a start, but there’s definitely something off right now. Maya can feel it.

Chapter 21

Notes:

As always thanks for the comments and kudos. Some days it really amazes me just how many people are reading this and enjoying it.

In this chapter we have a number of (important) conversations. Carina has lunch with her brother. He gives her some good advice. Carina has a 'chat' with Maya. Okay it's way more than a chat.

Basically, we are back on the timeline. At the very beginning of season 4. Or maybe just before it starts. Somewhere in there.

Enjoy.

Chapter Text

They are seated across from each other. Andrew shovels food into his mouth like he hasn’t eaten in days.

“Slow down. We have time. You don’t need to rush and get back to work.”

Andrew looks up and over at his sister. He slows his chewing and nods. He’s still trying to get the hang of being back to work. And working in a way that isn’t so frenzied and chaotic. He finishes his mouthful. “So, this new chick? How long do you think it will last?” He knows his sister goes through partners rather quickly. None ever lasting more than a few months. It’s usually hot and heavy at the beginning but then it fizzles out, or something comes up, or they split on her.

Carina sighs annoyed. “Don’t do that.”

He wrinkles his face up at her. “Do what?”

“She is not some chick. Or a fling or a hook up or whatever you Americans call it.” Carina looks down at her plate. “I just- I don’t-“

“What?” He nods at Carina.

Carina shakes her head, not wanting to say.

Andrew kicks her in the shin.

“Ow.” Carina reaches down and grabs her leg. “What was that for?”

“Why don’t you tell me? You have feelings for her?”

Carina frowns. Feelings? She has more than ‘feelings’ for Maya. “I love her.”

“But?” Andrew can sense a but coming.

“But- I feel like a hypocrite.” Carina slumps in her seat.

“Why?” Andrew thinks it’s a simple question.

“I keep telling Maya it’s good to be open and honest with each other, but I haven’t been heeding my own advice. I make her- well, not make her- but she tells me stuff, like personal, hard stuff, feelings. But then I don’t do the same thing. And I can feel it. I could feel it yesterday. I can feel like Maya wants to ask. Like she wants to ask me to share about my life too. But she doesn’t know how or she’s afraid to because she doesn’t want to take any misstep or do anything that’s wrong, or will make me mad at her, or not trust her, or something.” Carina worries her hands together in her lap.

“I feel I’m missing something.” Andrew points his fork at his sister. “Maybe something that you haven’t shared with me.” He raises an eyebrow.

Carina shakes her head. “I’m doing it with you too.” She admits.

“How long have you two been together?”

“Like in total or since-“ Carina gets quiet. Andrew just waits. “She cheated on me.”

“And you’re still with her?” He is surprised by this. “The Carina DeLuca who once told me to never take a cheater back.”

Carina nods at her food. “I know.” She lifts her head and looks over at her brother. “And I still stand by that- mostly.”

“It doesn’t sound like it.” He grumbles gruffly.

She sighs and shakes her head. “Maya is different. I can feel it. I love her.”

“Is love enough though? Is it worth it? What if she does it again?” Andrew hits her with the hard questions.

“I think that’s what I’m afraid of. I think that’s why I haven’t opened up emotionally. I love her. I do. There’s no doubt about that, but I’m holding back. I can feel it. Not giving into the real emotions. Not letting my true feelings come to the surface because I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again. Emotionally, at least. By Maya and even my past relationships. I’m emotionally scarred. And Maya talks about her dad and what he did, and I think it put into perspective the relationship I have with papa and how much that’s messed me up. Somehow, I can tell everyone what to do about their emotions and problems and guide them and help them, but I can’t do the same for myself. Does that makes sense?”

“Perfetto.” Andrew smirks. “Perfect sense.”

“So, I’m a hypocrite?”

“Looks like it.” Andrew starts on his lunch again. “You know what you need to do, I feel. You just need to do it. I don’t know Maya, but she deserves that. If you expect her to be honest with you; then you need to be honest with her. Even if it’s scary. Even if you get hurt in the end. If you love her like you claim you do, then you have to tell her what you’re feeling. It’s only fair. Otherwise, she’s going to resent you at some point. And I doubt you want that.”

Carina shakes her head. “I just feel like- I don’t know.”

“Look, I’ve done a lot of therapy lately. And maybe the crazy guy isn’t the best person you should be getting advice from; but you need to talk to her. You care about the important people in your life. I know that. But you need to care about yourself too. It’s not always about everyone else. Your feelings matter. You don’t need to keep being reserved about them and keep them bottled up to deal with at a later date. Eventually, you run out of later dates.”

Carina hums. “Thanks.”

Andrew nods. “Now tell me all about her. What makes her so great?”

There’s a dreamy look in Carina’s eyes as she thinks about Maya. “What makes her so great?” She repeats the question. “She’s funny and quick witted. She’s brave. So brave. With her job and with coming to term with her own demons. So, she’s brave. She can be super cute and adorable. She’s sexy as hell. Dio mio. She can hold a conversation. Even if she isn’t familiar with the topic. I don’t know how many times I’ve told her about work stuff. And she might not understand all the terms and procedures and stuff, but she sits there and listens and asks inquisitive questions. She’s always thinking ahead.” Carina hums. “Maybe that’s not the greatest thing. But the way her brain works- she’s always got a plan for everything. I think that comes from her job. She’s always prepared for like any situation that might arise.”

“That’s all pretty good.” Andrew comments.

“I’m not done. She cares. She cares about people. She’ll say it’s because she’s a firefighter but it’s not. It’s who she is. If you’re in her circle, she’ll fight tooth and nail for you.” Carina sighs. “I told her about you. And your illness.”

“Carina.” He chides.

“I was in a bad place. And Maya made me feel like I could open up with her. She made me feel comfortable and taken care of. I’ve never had that. She listened and she cared. She wanted to do anything she could to help you. That didn’t end up happening- for reasons, but she wanted to be there. She cares. About me. About you. About her best friends. About her crew. About everyone she knows. I just- I don’t know what to say to her. I don’t know how to start a difficult conversation about myself. I can do it for other people. Why am I so against my own thoughts and feelings?”

“Papa.” Andrew shrugs. He’s learned some hard things about himself in recent weeks in relation to his father and the relationship that they have.

Carina sighs. “Maya thinks I’m the most wonderful thing on the planet. But I don’t feel like that. I feel like I’m just like anybody else. There’s nothing that makes me special.”

“But she thinks you’re special.” Andrew raises an amused eyebrow. “That probably means that you are- to her. That’s a good thing.” He reaches across the table and covers his sister’s hand with his own. “Talk to her. Tell her your life story. Tell her about papa. Tell her about mamma. It sounds like she wants to know. I can tell you love her. Like really love her. So, make her happy, tell her what she wants to know. Open up that big heart of yours and let her all the way in. I know it’s scary and I know it’ll hurt like hell if it doesn’t work out; but there’s no reward without the risk.” He shrugs like her just read off last night’s baseball scores and not like he just gave his sister the advice he knows she needs.

Carina nods, knowing her brother is right. “When did you get so smart?”

“I’ve always been smart.” He smirks and Carina chuckles.

Carina needed this. She needed someone to talk to about Maya. She needed a sounding board. She needed advice. She wonders subconsciously if that’s why she asked Andrea to have lunch with her today.


“Did you know Andy and Sullivan were married?” Maya isn’t sure what Carina knows or doesn’t know. So much happened in such a short period of time and then she blew up their relationship and they didn’t talk about anything that happened in their personal lives for weeks. It feels like every day recently they are playing a game of catch up; bringing up things that have happened that the other might not have heard or known about. “Or that her mother is still alive? Or that she and Sullivan are separated?”

“I knew about the first thing.” Carina points at Maya.

Maya raises an eyebrow. “That they’re married?”

Carina nods. “He announced it at the spaghetti dinner.”

Maya hums.

“When you were in your office.” Carina fills in.

Maya doesn’t need the reminder.

Maya hums again. She decides to change the subject. She has other things she wants to talk to Carina about. Last night, when they got in from work, they fell into bed right away. There wasn’t a lot of talking.

The pandemic has hit hard in Italy. “There’s something I want to ask you.” Maya is going to ask about this. She feels like she needs to.

Maya lays there next to Carina in bed. It’s been on her mind a lot the last few days. It’s been the only thing in the news. And Maya knows that Carina already has a lot going on and she doesn’t want to put anymore burden on her, but she is curious about Carina’s homeland.

“It’s about Italy.”

Carina sighs, knowingly.

“What do you think?” Maya finds her hand and intertwines their fingers. “As a doctor and as an Italian?”

“It’s scary. What’s happening. And this virus is new, so we don’t know much about it or how to treat it or stop it from spreading. In a lot of parts of Italy people literally live on top of each other. Whole families in little apartments like yours. Multiple generations in one apartment even. Whole buildings of people like that. That’s not a good situation for trying to contain the spread of a contagious virus. So, it’s scary.” Carina looks down at her hand in Maya’s. She flexes her hand, squeezing Maya’s hand.

“I’m sorry.” Maya sees the sad look on Carina’s face and regrets bringing up the topic.

Carina gives Maya a tight-lipped smile before rolling over into Maya’s side and pressing her face into her neck. Maya wraps an arm around the Italian. “Tell me about it. Italy. Your favorite things, places, people.”

There are lips pressed against Maya’s neck before the words begin. Carina whispers softly in Maya’s ear. “My favorite place is the beach near where I grew up. My favorite thing is the food. There’s nothing better than authentic Italian food.”

“I think I know that.” Maya presses a kiss to the top of Carina’s head. She loves everything Italian that Carina has cooked for her in their time together.

“La mia famiglia.”

“Your family?”

“Si.” Carina starts twirling her fingers in Maya’s short hair, absentmindedly, as she thinks about all the things in Italy. “My aunties and uncles. All the cousins. We have a big Italian family. My parents were disappointments in only having two children.” Carina chuckles.

Maya notices the hair twirling but tries not to focus on it. “That sounds- loud.” She tries to focus on what Carina is telling her, on what she needs.

Carina laughs lightly.

“It is. All of us together. It is.”

“Do you miss it?”

Carina sighs. “Sometimes. But not all the time. Andrew is here and I’ve been in Seattle for most of the last three years. Part of me will always miss it. But my mamma isn’t here anymore and my papa is- well- he’s got his own problems. He lives in his own little world. I doubt he ever really thinks about me or cares what I’m doing.”

“Hey.” Maya tries to look at Carina. “I doubt that.”

“No.” Carina sits up a little and looks down at Maya. “He told me once. You chose a specialty that women have been doing since the dawn of time. He thinks me delivering babies is a waste of time.”

“It’s not.” Maya says softly.

Carina smiles and leans down for a soft kiss. “Thank you, bella.” This is her opportunity to open up. She knows it. “I told you he has Bipolar I. That he goes into these crazy manic episodes. He doesn’t care about anyone else. I handled those situations for years. Me. Why? I don’t know. Why did I think it was my responsibility to do something about? Why did I have to take care of him? Why was it up to me? Why did I stay there and let him yell at me and degrade me? Why didn’t I get help from somebody else? Why did I just let it continue?”

“If he didn’t want help then there wasn’t anything you could really do.” Maya says. She’s happy that Carina is telling her about this. She wanted to ask but she just didn’t know how. And after everything that’s happened the last thing she wanted to do was upset Carina again.

“No, you’re right. There was nothing I could do.” Carina sits up and throws her hands in the air. “There was nothing I could do.” She raises her voice. “And I still stayed. I stayed. For years. I could have moved to anywhere. I could have come here to where Andrea was. I could have gone anywhere and done anything. But I didn’t. I stayed. How stupida is that?”

Maya reaches out. “It’s not.” She knows why Carina did it. It’s the same reason she kept having her dad train her. To try get their acceptance and love, to please them.

Carina runs her hands over her face in frustration. “And then he was sick, and I left here. I was here. In Seattle. And I left. I left the job I had, the research I was doing. I dropped everything and run to him. For what? So, he could yell at me and berate me and tell me that my specialty was a joke. Why? Why do I feel the need to run to him every time there’s a problem? Or every time he asks me to.” Carina waves a finger in the air. “Non piu.”

“How is it that we both have messed up fathers? We’re just a couple of girls with daddy issues.” Maya tries to joke.

Carina pauses, her stream of thoughts interrupted, and makes a disgusted face. “That sounds so wrong. I have to get out of this bed.” She shakes her head and moves to get up.

Maya reaches out and wraps her hand around Carina’s wrist. “Don’t go.” She whines with a little pout.

Carina leans back in. “I’ll be right back.” She pecks Maya’s lips before getting out of bed. She just needs a minute.

She goes to the kitchen and gets a glass of water and downs the entire thing. Carina sets her hands on the counter and hangs her head. She takes a few deep breaths to try to reel her emotions in. But then she remembers what Andrea said.

“Just feel them.” Carina stands tall for a moment before marching back into the bedroom. “He messed me up more than I ever realized. Like I knew. But now, seeing you deal with your father.” Carina waves her hands in front of herself. “Not that I’m comparing or like it’s a competition or anything. I just- seeing that has made me realize how much emotional damage I actually have. I knew it was there. I have this problem. Problem?” Carina tilts her head to the side thinking that’s probably not the right word. “This thing where I just push it to the back of my mind and then I find someone else with problems and focus on their problems and not my own.” She slaps her hand against her chest as she stands at the end of the bed.

“I went back to Italia when he was really bad. I stayed with him for three months. It was the same old bullshit. I did that.” She hits her chest again. “For what?” And again.

Maya gets up onto her knees and crawls to the end of the bed.

“And then he convinced me to bring him back here. To Seattle. He wanted to work with Andrea. He had this crazy idea about a baby in a bag. That’s insane, Maya. Do you know how insane that is? And he wanted to work with Andrea on a gestational sack. Him. That’s my specialty, but no, he wanted to work with Andrea. Not me? He told me I didn’t know English very well and that I could hardly speak the language and that he had no need for me. He told me I couldn’t help. Not that I really wanted to. I just wanted to make sure no one got hurt. That his crazy idea never got off the ground.” She goes to slap her hand against her chest again, but Maya grabs her hand before she can.

“Hey.” Maya puts her face right up in Carina’s face.

Carina narrows her eyes at Maya, suddenly realizing what’s happening. Or that she just went on a long rant about her father. She just blinks at Maya for a few seconds.

“You’re a brilliant doctor.” Maya tells her. “No matter what your dad says or thinks. His opinion doesn’t matter if he’s going to say that your specialty isn’t something that should be a specialty. That’s just his whack theory. But I get it. I get the feeling.”

Carina deflates, all the aggression leaving her body. “He just pulls me back in every time.”

Maya nods, knowing. It’s a hard cycle to break.

“It’s like I can’t resist. I have this need to help people. I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I do it, over and over, and over again.”

Maya smiles. “That’s one of the things I love about you. Though it’s somewhat aggressive sometimes, you have this need to help, you want everyone to be good. What did you tell me that was? In Italian?”

Carina smiles, proud that Maya remembers. “Ti voglio bene.”

“I love you or I want you well.” Maya translates.

“Si.”

Maya lifts Carina’s hand to her lips. She presses a kiss to the palm. “Your dad sounds like a jerk.” Maya smirks and looks up through her lashes at Carina. Carina rolls her eyes but smiles. “And if you don’t want to run to him whenever he calls or needs help, that’s fine. That’s probably healthy. And if he’s not willing to get help for his mental illness then what can you do.”

“I’m a doctor.” Carina tries to defend. Here she goes again. “I can help if-“

Maya raises an eyebrow. “But not one that deals with mental illness.”

Carina shakes her head and sighs. “You’re right.”

“You bet your sweet ass I am.” Maya smirks.

Carina chuckles a little at that.

“How do you feel now?”

Carina shakes her head. She can’t believe she’s been holding all this in for so long. Just in general. But also keeping it from Maya. “It feels good to tell someone.”

“And?” Maya prompts.

“And I’m glad that I did. And thank you for listening. And thank you for understanding.”

“You and me. We’re not that different.” Maya rubs her hands over the hand of Carina’s that she holds. “Sure, there’s lots of differences but we have a lot in common too. Who would have thought?”

Carina hums. “Not me.” If she’s being honest, Carina thought she and Maya didn’t have that much in common, but the more they learn about each other she sees the similarities. In their backgrounds with their fathers, their need for acceptance and love from them, the way they handle emotions by keeping them locked up inside.

Maya moves forward, she leans in and presses a kiss to the now red blotchy spot on Carina’s chest. Maya might beat herself up over things mentally, but she just witnessed Carina literally beating herself up about how she’s dealt with her father. “Please don’t do that again.”

Carina looks down at her chest. “Sorry.” She mumbles.

Maya shakes her head. “No. Don’t say sorry. Promise you won’t do it again.” She knows that’s not a good coping mechanism.

“I won’t do it again.” Carina sighs. She just got so worked up and wasn’t really thinking.

“Now.” Maya shifts her hands to Carina’s hips. “Will you come back to bed?”

Carina rolls her eyes playfully.

“Well, you’re just standing here in your panties.” As if that’s something that is going to convince Carina.

“What if I said no.” Carina smirks.

Maya hums, thinking of a good retort. “Then I would be disappointed, but I would have to accept that. But only if you had a good reason for not coming back to bed. This is our only day off together for the next four days.” Maya pouts. When that isn’t enough to convince Carina, she changes tactics. “I want to hear more about Italy. I want to hear about where you grew up. I want to know what kind of trouble little Carina got up to. I want to know about her mamma.”

That’s what gets Carina. Her mamma. “Maya.” She sighs the name. “She was-“ Carina has to take a deep breath, getting teary-eyed thinking about her mother. “I wish- I wish she could have met you. I think she would have loved you as much as I do.”

“As much as?” Maya smiles.

Carina rolls her head back and forth. “Okay, maybe not as much as. Cuz that would be weird. But I think she would have loved the feisty little blonde firefighter that she got to know.” She sniffles. “She would question whether you have any Italian blood in you. She would feed you until you were stuffed full and then she would try to feed you some more. She would question your intentions and she would threaten you if you ever break my heart that she will break your kneecaps.” Tears are silently streaming down Carina’s cheeks.

Maya rubs them away with her thumbs. “She sounds amazing.” She grins.

Carina nods.

“Come on.” Maya tugs on Carina’s elbow, getting her to lay down again. “Tell me more, please.” Maya covers them with the sheet.

“She was quiet and reserved. Well, as quiet and reserved as an Italian of her generation can be, I suppose. I think I get that from her. I don’t like tons of commotion and yelling. Maybe that has something to do with my papa yelling all the time too. But she kept to herself. She never complained. She did what she needed to, when she needed to, for her family. I loved her very much but when she and Andrea moved, I lost something. We weren’t super close but there was a silent understanding between us, I think. It wasn’t something we ever talked about, but both knew was there.” Carina’s thoughts drift off. She sort of just stares at Maya.

Maya runs her hand up and down Carina's arm as they lay facing each other.

“She was gentle and kind, caring. Smart too. Not a doctor but a teacher. She taught grade 3. She loved kids. She and Andrea moved to Wisconsin, and she went to night school to learn English. She got a job in a school teaching Italian. Which I’m told isn’t a language in high demand in Wisconsin. Or most states for that matter.”

“It’s mostly Spanish that kids learn in this country. Or French.” Maya adds her two cents.

Carina nods. “So, she was lucky to get that job. They lived well. I’m sure it wasn’t easy. To leave her husband, her family, the only country she’s ever known, to go to another country where no one speaks the language. She was very brave.”

“Why Wisconsin?” Maya asks. It seems like an odd place to immigrate to. Not that Maya knows much about Wisconsin other than that they are known for cheese.

Carina chuckles. “They have one of the best hospitals in the country in Madison. Even my mother- I think she knew someone that worked there. A friend of hers from when she went to university in Italy. They moved to Madison and worked at the hospital. That’s why she and Andrea moved there; I think.”

“Makes sense. If you only know one person in another country-“

“Move to where they are.” Carina finishes. She sighs. “That’s why I came to Seattle. Cuz Andrea was here.”

“And I’m glad you did.” Maya presses her lips to Carina’s forehead.

“Me too.”

“I’d visit them over winter break. It was always so cold and snowy. I couldn’t understand why they wanted to live there. Mamma would tell me that it was amazing to experience all four seasons. That’s not something we get in the South of Italy. But I didn’t like it. I could live my entire life without seeing snow and I would be fine with that.”

Maya chuckles. “You’re silly.”

“And Andrea would come to Italy in the summers. Mamma would come bring him and stay for like a week to visit her family but would go back to the states. She never stayed very long. But then when Andrea was old enough and in college she moved back to Italy. I saw her more often. She lived in a different city from where we lived when I was a kid. From where my papa lived. And from where I had gone to school and was working. But I got to see her more often.” Carina takes a deep breath. The next part is hard.

“And then she got sick. Or, I have a sneaky suspicion that she knew she was sick when she moved back to Italy.”

Maya hums sadly.

“She wanted to be home when she went.” Carina starts crying again. She rubs at her blurry eyes. “I think that was a comfort to her. Knowing she was home. That they wouldn’t- wouldn’t have to-“

“It’s okay.” Maya runs a hand over Carina’s head.

“Ship her body back.” Carina sobs, rattling her body.

“What do you need?” Maya asks softly.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya, throwing her leg over Maya’s, pushing Maya onto her back, holding onto her in a bear hug, laying on top of her. “I miss her.” She whispers into Maya’s neck. “I wish she could see me and Andrea now. They split us up but we’re back together. Me e fratellino mio.”

“I’m sure she can. And I’m sure she’s proud of you both.” Maya whispers and it causes the tears to flow harder. She holds onto Carina, rubbing her back gently and just holding tight.

The tears subside after a few minutes, but they remain locked together like that with Maya gently rubbing her hands up and down Carina’s back or over her arms, just holding onto her securely, not letting go.

Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder and finds her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“For what, babe?” Maya doesn’t see any problems with what is happening here.

“For not telling you. For keeping it to myself. For making you tell me things when I wouldn’t do the same. I was just scared.”

“Of what?” Maya wonders. Carina is the most selfless, proud, confident person she knows. What can she be afraid of?

“That you’ll hurt me.”

“I would never hurt you.”

“Not physically.” Carina whispers.

Maya hums. It clicks. “Oh.”

“You already have. Emotionally. And I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. That’s why, I think, I’ve been holding back. I have been hurt before. Not just by you. I feel like if I get too close, open up too much that it’s going to happen again.”

Maya nods. It’s hard to hear but she knows she needs to hear it and she knows Carina needs to say it. “I just want to get to know you. Where you come from. What makes you who you are. I want to know everything about you. I want to love every part of you. Even the not so nice parts. I want to grow and develop together. I want to-“ Maya takes a deep breath. “I want to share this life with you. I want you in it. I want you to be the most important part. And yes, before you say anything, that means more important than my job. Carina, I have all these wants now. I never allowed myself to want anything before. But now-“ She sighs. “I have this amazing woman and this amazing job and I think I could have an amazing life and not just be going from one task to the next. Focusing on the next thing. Carina, I love you. I don’t want to ever hurt you. Not intentionally, at least. Emotionally, physically, or in any other way. I need you to know that. I also need you to know that I know it’s hard. To open up. Look at me. You can do that too. I know it’s scary.”

“It is.” Carina runs her fingernails up and down Maya’s arm. She doesn’t know if she’s doing it to soothe herself or Maya.

“It’s hard to be vulnerable.”

“Yeah.”

“I want you to be comfortable enough with me to be vulnerable.” Maya says. “Is there something I can do that will help?”

Carina sighs. She knew Maya was wonderful and caring and always willing to offer help but right now, gosh, she’s the most wonderful person in the whole entire world. “This helps. This conversation. You holding me. You telling me it’s going to be okay.”

Maya nods. “Anything else.”

“Continue asking me about my past, my background if I don’t- if I’m not open enough about it. Or if you feel like I’m holding something back. Because I probably am.”

“Okay.”

“I want this to work, Maya.”

“So do I.” Maya kisses the side of her head. “So do I.”

Chapter 22

Notes:

-here is the start of Covid (yay i cheer sarcastically. it's such a downer to write about). maya is anxious about covid and what that means for her and carina and what that means for work. but then carina is struggling and sad and maya is there will all the support in the world that she can be from afar. and then there's sexy nasal swabbing and a tiger in the station, and talk about moving in and how that's going to work.

-enjoy

Chapter Text

They spend the night out with Maya’s crew after their shift. They go to the bar. Go back to Maya’s place and wake up in the morning to find everything in Seattle is shutting down. They are aware of the rise in cases, both being in first responder professions. But to have everything shut down all of a sudden is jarring.

Seattle is hit hard. It’s one of the first place in the US to really be hit hard.

Maya sits in front of the tv with the local news on, in her underwear, completely entranced by the news coverage. She wants to get as much information as she can. She knows she’ll be getting more when she goes into work but she’s trying to glean as much as she can right now.

“Why don’t you come eat something?” Carina suggests.

“In a minute.” Maya waves Carina off.

Carina frowns. She’s seen the cases steadily rising at the hospital. She knew this day was coming. The rules of the game have changed and now they are down, and the opponent has taken the lead. It’s not fair but it necessary.

“Maya?”

“Yeah?”

“We need to talk.”

Maya’s head snaps away from the tv at that. Those are the dreaded words that nobody in a relationship ever wants to hear. “Why?” It’s hard to hide the panic in her voice.

Carina comes over and sits next to her. “It’s not bad, bambina. Well, it is, but not like I’m breaking up with you bad.”

Maya clenches her jaw.

“Things are likely to get bad here. In Seattle. At the hospital. I might be working longer hours. I might be working different shifts. I might be handling Covid patients and not just OB patients.” They’ve already warned all the doctors at the hospital that this virus is going to affect them all. Schedules, rotations, specialties. All of it will likely be flipped on its head. It’s the nature of the business.

“And?” Maya knows there’s more.

“We might not be able to see each other.” Carina tells her. It pains her to say this, but she knows that’s what must happen so that they are safe, and they are keeping everyone else safe. They need to prepare for the possibility.

Maya nods slowly. She’s thought about that already. She just pushed it to the back of her mind deciding that if it happens, she can deal with it then, but until then she wasn’t going to think about it.

“I just want you to know. And I just want to make sure you are okay with it.”

Maya pops up from her seat. “Okay with it?” She runs a hand through her hair. “How can I be okay with it? No, I’m not okay with it.” She paces the room.

“Maya, there are rules and protocols at the hospital already. They are only going to get more restrictive as this thing moves forward. I’m sure the same will happen with the fire station.”

Maya furrows her brow. She wonders for a moment who at the station is in charge of making the protocols and rules and making sure they are followed. Is it her?

She sits down again. “Sorry.” Maya mumbles.

Carina takes Maya’s hand. “We’ll talk every day. I’ll call you whenever I can. Video calls too. Even though they’re not my favorite because I’d much rather see this beautiful face in person.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “You’re just trying to sweet talk me now.” She smirks.

“Maybe. But it’s still true.”

Maya leans in and kisses Carina. “I love you.” She whispers.

Carina hums and kisses Maya. “Ti amo, bambina. Ti amo.” She sighs and rests her forehead against Maya’s for a few seconds, just taking this moment in. “Why don’t you come eat now? Enough of the news for a while. We’ll see plenty of stories and firsthand accounts. This is going to affect your job too.”

Maya is not looking forward to it. “I know.”


“Hey, babe.” Maya answers the phone. Carina doesn’t usually call her during the middle of the day, during the middle of her shift. But it’s been happening more often since Covid.

“Maya.” Carina cries. “I lost another one.”

The sounds of Carina crying is heart wrenching and Maya would give anything to be able to go to her, and comfort her, and hold her, and just be with her, but she can’t. And it frustrates Maya beyond belief. Carina set up the rules and how they can’t see each other because of all the Covid restrictions and protocols but she hates it. Maya absolutely hates it.

She can hears Carina hyperventilating. “Just breath. I know it’s hard to. But just breathe for me baby.” Maya hears the puffs of struggled breath through the phone. “One at a time. In and out.” She coaches her through it. The crying slows down, it’s more like sniffles after a few minutes. Carina hiccups and Maya finds it simply adorable. “Are you better?”

Carina sucks in a deep breath. “Yeah, grazie.”

“Not a problem. That’s what I’m here for. You lean on me, I lean on you.” Maya repeats the words Carina used on her when she was at her lowest point. “If you need me, you call me, anytime, day or night. I’ll be there.” She wants to do more. She wants to go to Carina. She wants to wipe away her tears and kiss her cheeks and hold her in her arms.

She been thinking about breaking the rules for days. She’s thinking about just saying screw it and going to find Carina. The responsible fire captain side of her keeps Maya in check though. Carina who hasn’t lost any patients before Covid and who has now lost multiple patients. Maya knows that Carina cares so much for her patients. How can you not as an OB? You are with them through their entire pregnancy. You develop a relationship and a closeness in some cases. A genuine care. And she knows Carina cares about each and every one of her patients. So, it’s even more devastating when she loses them or their babies.

She wants this Covid mess to just be over so she can see Carina again in person. They were just getting to a really good place again and now they have to be separated because of a virus and rules and restrictions. The whiny, needy part of Maya just wants it all to end.

She sighs because she is needy when it comes to Carina sometimes. It’s disgusting. Maya has never been that person. She takes a deep breath and tries to reel it in. Maya doesn’t need Carina to be okay herself. She’s okay. She can handle work, and Covid, and life, by herself.

Except that she’s still thinking about asking Carina to move in with her. The thought just won’t leave her brain.

“Tell me one good thing that’s happened so far today.” Maya asks.

“I delivered two babies and there were no complications and they or their mothers didn’t have Covid.”

“See, that’s good. Think of the positives.”

“But it’s so sad. They are all alone. Usually, the daddy or partner is there. And sometimes the grandma or an auntie. They have to have baby all alone.” Carina is nearly in tears again.

“But you’re there so they’re not alone. You probably don’t realize it, but they are probably super grateful that you are with them. Not just as a doctor but someone to support and encourage them. I’m sure it means a lot, especially since they can’t have any family there.” Maya encourages.

“Maya.” Carina sighs. She’s going to cry again at Maya’s sweet words.

“You got this, babe. You’re an awesome doctor.” She hates that Carina isn’t her happy, bubbly self because work and Covid are so sad and devastating.

Carina sniffles. “Thank you, Maya. I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Maya looks around to make sure no one in the station heard her. People have an uncanny way of sneaking into her office without her noticing or without permission. “And I love you. And you are amazing. Just remember that.”

Carina sighs. “I love you too.” She’s just so overwhelmed sometimes by everything that’s going on. It’s good to call Maya, to hear her voice, to hear her encouragement. To remember that she has people to support her. She just needs to let Maya support her. Carina isn’t really good at that. She’s always the one supporting everyone else. A role she thrives in, but when it comes to herself, it’s hard to ask for help or seek out support from anyone. But then here is Maya learning how to support her and noticing and figuring out that Carina need support.


She just can’t take it anymore. It’s the third patient she’s lost. It’s three too many. Carina isn’t used to feeling like this. Feeling the devastation, the despair, like she’s doing something wrong, or that she’s failing at her job.

Carina hurries down the stairs. She can’t wait for the elevator and then if there’s restriction on the number of people in an elevator at one time. She rushes down the first flight, then another and another.

She feels the tightening in her chest; the labored, inconsistent breathing. She needs fresh air, to take her mask off. Is this what Maya feels like when she’s having a panic attack?

The ground floor is busy when she gets out of the stair well. She rushes through the people that are separated by six feet that fill the entire room. She pushes the door open and rips her mask off taking deep breathes of fresh air from the ambulance bay.

Carina doesn’t even see Ben standing there at the back of the ambulance. She paces and starts ranting about how she lost another mother. And the baby. And how they were alone and how after her shift is over, she’s going to be alone.

Carina thought she was fine with being alone. In the past, she was fine with it. She needed her space, she needed her alone time. Just time away from everyone and anyone. It was good. It was healthy. But since Covid, she doesn’t want to be alone. She doesn’t want to be separated from her friends, from her family, from her brother, from anyone. She wants to be able to touch them and hug them and put a hand on their shoulders when they are having a bad day or need comfort. She never realized how much she needed human contact until it was completely taken away from her.

Ben gives her advice. Advice that she desperately needs. “What the hell is the point of finding your person if you don’t get to weather the storms together.”

Carina nods through her tears.

“Go get your girl.” Ben turns back to the ambulance. He hopes his parting words stick with the Italian. He knows it’s difficult. And Maya and Carina quarantining apart is a noble thing to do. But it also might be the dumbest thing he’s heard from them. He knows they have their issues, everybody does. But he also knows that they have a solid base for their relationship and a connection like he’s rarely seen. There’s something there that makes what they have special. He can see it when he sees at the pair together. It’s the silent conversations they have with their eyes. It’s the gentle touch of comfort or just to say I’m here. It’s the smiles that light up their faces, even on the worst of days, when she see each other. That’s rare. And that’s special.

Carina feels guilty, still, that Ben and Miranda are apart, but he just gave her his blessing. What that means for her and Maya, though, Carina isn’t completely sure.

Should she go see her? Maya practically begged her to come down to the station for a little visit. Would they still have to wear masks and stay six feet apart? Would she be able to restrict herself to that? Carina doesn’t think so. She doesn’t think she could ever be in the same room as Maya and not go to her at some point. That just seems cruel.

Should they still not visit each other’s apartments? Should they not share meals together? What should they do?

Carina runs over all the possibilities in her head. She needs to be able to hold Maya and kiss her and see her smile and look into her eyes. There’s only one real possibility.

She thinks it over and over, in the spare minutes she has on her lunch break, before it’s back to work and thinking about that instead.


The next day, Carina takes two rapid Covid tests from the testing area. She makes sure it’s okay to take them though. She doesn’t want the supply to run low or out because she took two for personal use. Jackson tells her it’s fine, so she goes.

The walk to the station is a quick one. Probably because Carina is so anxious to get there and to see Maya and to ask her to move in with her. It’s something she thought about yesterday, and something she’s slept on. Carina has no idea how it’s all going to work out, but they need to be in the same place if they are going to get through Covid and still be together. That’s what she wants. For them to be together. She knows they both have to work, and Carina is working longer hours, so she’s not going to be home a lot of the time, and they won’t be home at the same times most of the time. But that all makes this even more important; that they are in the same place, so when they do get a few hours together they can actually be together and not in separate apartments.

She enters the station. The first door is open, but the second door is locked. It different and she knows it’s because of Covid but it reminds Carina that she hasn’t been to the station in quite some time. Carina knocks and looks inside to the reception desk. She sees Vic sitting at the desk and waves at her.

Vic buzzes her in. She’s about to stand up and greet Carina but remembers Covid protocol, even if Carina is a friendly face and not some random civilian.

“Is Maya-?” She points to the closed office door, the blinds drawn.

Vic nods. “We just-“ She waves off what she was about to say. “She’s on the phone, but go in.”

Carina hides the tests behind her back and slips into the room quietly. Maya has her back to her at first and it gives Carina the opportunity to just take in Maya with her eyes. The captain, in her uniform, on the phone. She hurries over to the other side of the room as Maya spins around and spots her.

At first, Maya can’t believe Carina is standing there. And then she beats Carina to the question. “Move in with me.” And Carina can’t believe it. She stands there, a bit stunned and listens as Maya continues to talk, giving her reasons and explanation.

“-but I’m hoping that me asking you to move in with me is a sign that I’m all the way in.” Maya has never been more sure about something. She’s all the way in with Carina. Everything. All of it. The good and bad. Anything and everything.

“Actually, I came here to ask you the exact same thing.”

The little lip bite and dopey smile that Maya gives her is well worth it. Carina pulls out the tests from behind her back.

“I’ll do yours if you do mine.”

“How do you make even nasal swabbing sound sexy.”

Carina grins, happy that they are on the same page. This has gone better than Carina could have imagined.

Maya puts her mask back on. “So, we’re doing this, huh?”

Carina nods. She holds one of the tests over to Maya. “If our tests come back negative.” She tilts her head back. Maya takes a step forward and as gently as possible sticks the swab up Carina’s nose. She moves it around, making sure she gets a good sample. She collects the sample and takes a step back. Carina puts her mask back on and does Maya’s test.

“It’s extremely difficult to be this close to you and not touch you.” Carina mumbles.

Maya can hear the disappointment in Carina’s voice. “I know.”

Carina sets the tests aside. She has to get them back to the hospital soon.

Maya comes over to Carina, holding her hand out. “Did you come right in here when you got here?”

“I didn’t want to come into contact with anyone. I saw Vic at the reception desk, but I came straight in here.”

“You didn’t see all the commotion then?”

Carina shakes her head, thoroughly confused. “What’s happening?”

“Come.” Maya drags Carina behind her. She knows it’s breaking protocol but since they are going to be moving in together, she figures it doesn’t matter. She just won’t let Carina within six feet of anyone else. And they’ll keep their masks on. They go up the stairs and stand over the barn on the skywalk. “Look.”

Animal Control has the tiger cornered. All they have to do is catch it, but they’ve been trying for thirty minutes, and the tiger has outsmarted them at every move. They are currently setting up a big cage in the other corner of the barn. The last thing they have to do is put some meat in there.

“How did a tiger get in here?” Carina whispers.

Maya shrugs. “We’ve been looking for it all afternoon. I’m glad it’s here and not out in the community.”

“They’re not going to hurt it, are they?”

“No, they’re taking it to the zoo.”

“Bene.” Carina hums.

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Carina.” Jack walks by behind them.

“Hi.” Is all Carina can muster. She doesn’t want to be mad or hold a grudge or anything but seeing Jack makes her stomach turn.

He stops, much to Carina and Maya’s displeasure.

“Listen, I’m sorry-“

“Keep walking, Gibson.” Maya tells him in a clipped tone.

He looks down at his feet. “Right. Okay.”

Maya looks over to Carina. “Are you okay?” She puts a hand on the small of Carina’s back. Carina nods but Maya doesn’t think she’s okay. She rubs her back though as they stand there watching Animal Control do its job. Fifteen minutes later, the tiger is in the cage and everyone in the station claps and cheers as they bring it outside.

“I’ve missed you.” Maya admits. “Just this. Being in your presence.” She’s just standing next to Carina, but she feels better than she has at any time in the last three weeks.

“I’ve missed you too. So much. You don’t know how much I want to kiss you right now.” Carina tells her. It’s like her fingers and toes are itchy, like they needed to go to Maya, to reach out to her. She knows they have to wait for the test results. “I should go. Get the tests back to the hospital. So, we can get our results.”

“When do you want to move in?” Maya blurts.

Carina chuckles lightly. “Tomorrow?”

Maya laughs. “This is too fast, isn’t it?”

“Yes.” Carina knows it is. But the alternative is not seeing Maya for many many more weeks. “We’ll make it work. When is your next day off?”

“The day after tomorrow?” Maya informs her of her schedule.

“I’ll see if I can get that afternoon off. But I need your help.” Carina goes through logistics in her mind. Maya raises an eyebrow, waiting. “I don’t have much time. And if we want to do this in two days then I need you to go get boxes and then go to my apartment after your shift today and start packing my belongings.”

“I can do that. Can Vic help?” Maya asks, she wants to make sure that it’s okay if Vic is in her apartment and touching her belongings. It’ll give Vic something to do to.

“That’s fine. Just get the clothes and all the stuff in the kitchen. Towels, laundry, anything in the cabinets or cupboards. The furniture can all stay expect for the table next to the bed and the coffee table. Those things are mine. The rest was there when I moved in.” Carina gives Maya the instructions. “Oh and the art. Don’t forget the art.”

Maya nods, committing it all to memory. “Got it. I’ll asks Dean and Ben if they could spare a couple hours to help move all the boxes.”

“You’re not going to do it all yourself?” Carina jokes. She knows Maya totally would.

Maya thinks about it. “I could but-“

“I’m joking.” Carina finds Maya’s hand, giving it a squeeze. It’s not a kiss, and it’s not a hug, but it’s the best she can do for right now. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I’m strong.”

“I know you are. That’s not the thing. It’s the number of boxes, and going up and down the stairs over and over that I would be worried about. So yes, ask the guys, get a couple extra pairs of hands so you don’t have to do it all. Cuz I love you and I don’t need you injured.”

Maya sighs. “Okay.” She knows realistically she can’t do it all herself. She just needed to hear someone, Carina, say it out loud.

Chapter 23

Notes:

-Thanks for all the comments and kudos on the last installment.
-a little rooftop surprise to celebrate moving in.
-maya struggling with all of Carina's stuff taking up her space
-she realizes why and talks to Carina about it. (a conversation that definitely should have happened on the show)

Chapter Text

Maya gets an idea. She grabs a few things and sets up as Carina is unpacking a few things. To be honest, it’s irking Maya a little that Carina is moving some of her stuff around to make room for her own stuff. Carina always asks before she moves something; but being a control freak, it bothers Maya a little. Even though she knows that it is required for Carina to move in. She knows their things need to mingle together. She knows she has to allow room and space and the possibility for her things to be moved or changed.

She’s done this before. Not the moving in with your girlfriend thing. This other thing. Maya pushes the door open. It’s starting to get dark outside. She puts down the items in her hands on the rooftop and looks around at the city from this vantage point. She sighs hoping Carina will like this and not think it’s cliché.

Maya returns back to the apartment after she has everything set up. She finds Carina in the bedroom, folding clothes. “Whatcha doing, babe?”

“Oh, I’m almost finished with my clothes. Did you need something?” Carina looks over her shoulder.

Just you. Maya hums and wraps her arms around Carina’s waist from the side. “I have a surprise for you.”

“A surprise?”

“Yeah, will you come with me?”

Carina nods and leans in a for a slow kiss.

“See, now, if you start doing that we won’t get to the surprise.” Maya kids playfully.

Carina just shrugs. She’s not sure what this surprise is, but if they forgo the surprise for sex Carina wouldn’t be mad.

“Come on.” Maya tugs Carina along. They exit the apartment and Maya locks the door. The walk down the hall is short before they get to the door.

“What are we doing?” Carina is suspicious now that they are standing in front of the emergency exit. “Maya this is the emergency exit.”

“I know that.” She grins at Carina and puts her hand on the bar to push the door open.

“The alarm is going to sound.” Carina warns her.

“No, it won’t.” She smirks.

Carina raises an eyebrow at that. “What did you do?”

Maya shrugs. “Just turned the alarm off so it doesn’t bother anyone.”

“You can do that?”

Maya holds up a set of keys in her hand. “Sometimes when you are the captain of a fire station you get special privileges from the building manager where you live in exchange for keeping an eye on the building and making sure everything is sound and passes inspection.”

“He gave you keys to the roof?” Carina asks the words that Maya isn’t saying.

Maya chuckles. “Yep.” She pushes the emergency exit door open. “Well, maybe not keys to the roof because these are emergency doors and can’t be locked, but the key to turn off the alarm.” She winks at Carina and gestures for her to go ahead of her. There is a tiny set of stairs that leads them up to another door that Carina pushes open, and then they are on the roof.

There are two blankets and two pillows and a bottle of wine with two glasses sitting in the center of the rooftop.

“Maya, what is this?”

“Your surprise.” Maya shrugs. It’s not really a big deal. Just something she threw together at the last minute. “I thought we could celebrate you moving in with a glass of wine and a look up at the sky. I don’t know how good it’s going to be because of all the city lights; but if we can’t see the stars then we can just pretend.”

“Oh, bambina. It’s wonderful. Grazie, bella. Grazie.” She wraps Maya in her arms, sealing her words with a sweet kiss.

“You’re welcome. Let’s lie down.” She holds her hand out to the blanket.

Maya opens the bottle of wine and pours them each a glass.

But after the first glass of wine Carina needs something to eat. “As wonderful as this is, I can’t drink wine on an empty stomach.” She can’t just drink wine. She already feels it going to her head, making her lightheaded.

“Oh, shit. What should I do?” Maya sits up and panics. “Do you need like something special? A candy bar?”

Carina chuckles. “Can you just go get some bread or cheese or a sandwich? I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”

Maya nods vigorously. She’s so dumb. She should have thought of having a whole meal up here. She didn’t think about the food part. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She gets to her feet. “I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.” Maya runs off. Literally, she runs.

Carina chuckles. “Where am I going to go?” She mumbles to herself. She lays back and looks up at the sky. It’s a beautiful night. The stars are slightly obscured by the city lights, but they can see them enough to make them out. Carina closes her eyes and waits for Maya to return.

It takes a few minutes, but Maya comes back with a whole loaf of uncut bread, a plate of cheese and crackers and some sausage. “What would you like?” She puts everything down at Carina’s hip.

“You.” Carina whispers. She reaches up, latching her hand to the back of Maya’s neck and pulling her in for a quick kiss. She nuzzles her nose against Maya. “Thank you for going to get this.”

Maya nods against her forehead. “Anything for you, babe. I should have thought to bring food with. How dumb of me? You probably haven’t had anything to eat all day.” Carina worked all day, and then came home, and spent the next hour unpacking boxes, and then folding clothes and putting them away.

“I did have lunch, but I haven’t had anything since.” She fills in.

“I should have made supper for us instead of worrying about this silly rooftop surprise.” Maya deflates.

“Shhh.” Carina puts her finger to Maya’s lips. “It’s not silly. It’s perfect, wonderful, and amazing. So thoughtful and sweet. I love it.”

Maya breathes a sigh of relief.

“But I need to eat a little before we continue with our wine and looking at the stars.” She presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. “Let’s eat.” She picks up the loaf of bread. “Did you bring a knife?”

Maya sighs and shakes her head. She’s totally messing this up right now. She wanted it to be perfect and it’s not.

“Okay.” Carina lifts the loaf to her mouth and takes a bite out of it. Maya stares at her in disbelief. “What?” She says around her mouthful of bread.

“Very lady-like.” Maya grins.

Carina holds the loaf out to Maya. Maya grins and takes a bite from it like Carina did. They laugh at their own silly antics.

After a little food, they lay back. Maya puts her arm out and Carina lays on it with her neck over it. “Do you know anything about the sky?” Maya asks after a few silent minutes.

“Well, a little but mostly about one constellation.”

“Oh.”

Carina nods. She rolls her head to the side to glance at Maya. “There is a constellation named Carina.”

“No way.” Maya is surprised and thrilled to know this. “I didn’t know that. That makes tonight that much more special.” She scoots a little closer to Carina.

Carina says “Well, you can’t see it from here. It’s a southern constellation. It’s the 34th largest constellation in the sky.”

“Wow.”

“That’s all I know.” Carina shrugs. “Well, about the constellation, that is. It’s also a medical term. Carina tracheae.”

“Really?” Maya didn’t know that either. Carina is imparting some serious knowledge on her tonight.

Carina nods. “It’s the point in the trachea where the bronchi split into left and right. It’s a rigid of cartilage. It’s what triggers the cough reflex.”

Maya watches Carina with wide eyes. “What else?”

“I’m not an encyclopedia. But-“ She looks over at Maya and sees the awe in her eyes. “The name Carina is a form of Cara which in Italian means beloved or dear.”

“You’re kidding?”

Carina shakes her head. “Nope. In Latin, it means keel. That’s why they named the constellation Carina. It’s a part of a bigger constellation that looks like a boat or ship’s keel. So, it has a maritime meaning as well.”

“That’s so cool. It’s a wonderful name. Beloved.” Maya speaks softly. “Perfect for you.”

It’s late and Carina thinks maybe it’s time to go back inside. She’s got more unpacking to do. She has to work tomorrow too so she has to get to sleep.

Maya has other ideas though. She lifts herself up onto her elbow so she can look down at Carina. Even in the dark of the night, she can see the beauty in those rich brown eyes. She leans in and kisses Carina. Her right hand slipping up under Carina’s shirt, her fingertips dancing over Carina’s stomach, taking a northern route. She palms Carina’s right breast, getting a moan from the brunette.

“Maya.” Carina squirms. “We’re outside.” It’s not her biggest concern but it’s what comes out of her mouth.

“So?” Maya wiggles her eyebrows.

Carina rolls onto her side, effectively putting an end to Maya’s wandering hand and lips. “Besides that- we can’t.”

Maya sighs and pulls her hand out of Carina’s shirt. “Can I get a reason why?”

Carina runs her finger down the bridge of Maya’s nose all the way to the tip. “Not tonight.”

Maya pouts. “But it’s been so long. What if I just-“

“Not tonight, bella. I’m tired. Exhausted. I just want you in my arms. I just want to sleep.” Carina explains. She’s feeling a bit needy, clingy. If they had started with the sexy stuff earlier in the night, Carina doesn’t think she would have said no. But now, it’s late and she’s tired and she has to go to work in the morning.

Maya nods. She can live with that. “It’s been so long since we’ve had that too.”

“Si.” Carina kisses Maya softly. “Can we go to bed now?”

Maya nods and gets to her feet quickly, so she can reach out her hands and pulls Carina to her feet. “I know you’ve been working a lot. I get it.”

“Thank you for understanding.” Carina finds Maya’s hand. “I really enjoyed tonight, though. So, thank you for that.”

Maya nods and smiles. “I wanted to celebrate a little. And since everything is locked down-“ Maya shrugs and leads Carina back to the door to the roof.

“What about the stuff?” carina looks over her shoulder.

“I’ll pick it up in the morning.” Maya tells her. “Come on, my love. Let’s go to bed.” Maya thinks about the fact that they get to go to bed together every day now. Well, except when Maya is at the station. But every day she gets to come home and go to sleep with Carina. That might just be one of the best aspects of Carina moving in. Her just being there at the end of a day, no matter what.


Everything is unpacked. Maya looks around the apartment. It’s not the same as it was before. The kitchen especially. Maya wants to go around and move all of Carina’s things. Her fingers itchy to go around and touch everything, to move it. She doesn’t know where to, but just move them to somewhere so they aren’t cluttering up the apartment.

She goes over and picks up a book on the arm of the couch. She knows she should just put it back, but she can’t help it. She moves it to the bookshelf and then goes into the kitchen. She’s not sure why it bothers her so much, Carina’s stuff, but it does.

Well, she knows why, it’s because she’s a control freak, and everything has to be where she needs it to be. She knows she shouldn’t do that. She knows that it’s silly and stupid. But it irritates Maya. Carina’s things.

She and Andy leave for work. Maya departing with an aggressive ‘I love you’. A reminder to herself mostly that she loves Carina and just because she moved in doesn’t mean she loves her any less. It’s just an adjustment that she isn’t used to yet.


They get back from the call and Maya takes care of her paperwork and goes into the storage room. The hoses need to be stacked. She was going to have Jack do it, but he had to leave because Marsha collapsed, so she’ll do it herself. She needs a workout anyway and maybe she can let go of her irritation about Carina’s stuff during her workout.

Andy walks in on her after a minute or so.

She’s not surprised but doesn’t bother stopping when Andy questions why she’s stacking hoses. She goes into the reasons why and vents a little to someone who isn’t Carina. She can’t vent to Carina about Carina. Well, maybe she could, but Maya isn’t sure how that would turn out. Into a yelling match. Or her shouting at Carina like her father shouted at her. And she definitely doesn’t want that.

“Am I broken?”

There’s that word again. The word that Maya can’t seem to get out of her head. The word that she still thinks describes her perfectly. The word that she might always use to describe herself.

“Look I’m still working on this one myself Maya, but I think being afraid to be like your dad is the first step to not being like him.”

Maya smiles faintly at Andy. Andy might have a point. It makes her feel a little better.

“But Maya-“ Andy isn’t finished. “-maybe you should be telling her all this and not me.”

Maya hums and nods. “Yeah.”

Andy leaves and Maya stands there for a moment thinking about everything. She thought about telling Carina but was too afraid that she would end up yelling, so she just avoided it and kept it inside. Until now. Maya lets out a long breath and hangs her head. She pulls her gloves off and puts them on a shelf and exits the room. She stomps over to her office, digging through her backpack until she finds her phone. She checks for messages but there aren’t any. She opens up her message thread with Carina and starts typing. She types out a message and reads it and then deletes it and then types out another message and deletes that one too.

Not sure when your shift is over but I need to talk to you when we are both home again.

Maya hopes it doesn’t sound too ominous and hits send. She puts the phone down on her desk and runs a hand over her hair.

Maya comes home the next morning and goes to kiss Carina, but Carina tells her she has to shower first. The frustration level in Maya skyrockets. She can’t let this go any further, so she asks why the kitchen has turned into a cheese cellar.

“Maya, my home is really scary right now. It’s worse than here and here is really bad. I’m scared for my dad.”

Maya hangs her head. Here Carina is again caring about her dad, even when he is halfway around the world, even when he puts her and her career down, even after they talked about him and the terrible things that he has done. Carina is trying to protect him, defend him. It frustrates Maya even more, but she understands it at the same time. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.” Carina goes to get ready to leave for work.

Maya stands there and watches her move about the apartment. She knows it’s not fair to criticize Carina’s Italian kitchen makeover. She knows now that it’s how Carina is trying to cope with everything. With the pandemic, with work, with her father and her family back in Italy. It’s a stressful time.

“I’ve got to go get ready to bring some babies into this terrifying world.” Carina grabs her jacket.

“I did that today.”

“You did what?”

“I brought a baby into this terrifying world.” She goes over to Carina.

She doesn’t want the Italian to leave yet. She still has to talk to her about the kitchen and her father and why it drives her crazy and terrifies her. She knows she missed her opportunity when Carina was talking about how the kitchen reminded her of the good memories of Italy. Maya being too lost in her own head about what was happening. And now Maya is second guessing herself. Finding a distraction.

“Brought? Maybe- maybe more like caught.” She rolls her eyes. That woman at the scene literally just dropped that baby into her hands.

That piques Carina’s interest. She loves when Maya comes home with stories from work. She loves it even more when they involve delivering babies. She gets her coat on and is ready for the abbreviated reason. “Tell me, everything.” Well, maybe not so abbreviated. She needs details, as a doctor.

“Well, first I’m going to shower.” She grabs Carina by the waist and spins them around. “And then I will tell you all about it. Naked. In bed.” She pulls Carina into the bedroom.

“No. No. Maya.” Carina grabs onto the door frame in a pathetic attempt to stop Maya.

“I have to go to work.”

Maya hums and pulls her shirt over her head. “You don’t have fifteen minutes to spare?” She finds Carina’s hand and pulls her into the bathroom with her. She puts on the puppy dog eyes.

“Don’t do that.” Carina can’t help but fall for them every time.

“Do what?” Maya asks innocently.

“You know what?”

Maya shimmies out of her pants and turns to start the water for her shower, giving Carina a full view of her ass.

Of course, Carina’s eyes rake over Maya’s body. She just can’t resist. Her shift at the hospital starts in half an hour. She knows she has to leave but she reaches out her hands finding Maya’s hips, stepping into her from behind.

Maya smirks. “I thought you said I had to shower first.”

Carina groans. “Si. Shower.” She releases Maya.

Maya spins around. She grins at Carina as she is slipping her sports bra over her head and pulling her underwear down her legs.

“Fucking tease.” Carina says under her breath.

Maya laughs and hops in the shower. She starts talking about the call where she showed up and the woman was clearly in active labor and the husband had a needle in his cheek.

“It was total chaos. When I got there this pregnant woman was singing in the front yard. She had a baseball bat and there were beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere. That poor kid.” Maya explains from the shower.

Carina leans against the sink and listens.

“She hit the husband with the baseball bat. He was in the house trying to stitch up the cut in his face with a needle and thread. They wouldn’t wear masks. Wouldn’t go in the ambulance because we transport sick people in there. She ran into the garage. Her water broke. We finally got her to come with us to the hospital. But then she started pushing. I had to fucking catch that baby before it’s head hit the floor.”

“I did that once. A woman pushed out a baby in the hallway at the hospital. I was there to catch it.” Carina thinks back.

“When we got back to the station, Andy asked me if that family reminded me of my own. It didn’t really. My dad didn’t throw things at us or swing bats at us. He wasn’t on drugs or drunk. He just had angry and had control issues.” Maya peels back the shower curtain. “I have that too.” She looks directly at Carina. “I made myself into an exact copy of him to please him. I didn’t realize that until yesterday morning. I looked at all your stuff in the kitchen and I felt this rage. It’s stupid I know.” Maya ducks back into the shower.

Carina furrows her brow. This took a turn she wasn’t expecting. She thought she was just going to hear about the bambino and then maybe get a little handsy or have a little quickie before she went off to work.

“Rage?” Carina questions.

The shower turns off. Maya pulls the curtain back and reaches for her towel. “Yeah. It terrifies me. That I’m just like him. It really has nothing to do with your pasta or your cheeses. It’s all about control. He controlled me. I have this need to control my life. My space. Every inch of it.” Maya dries herself off. “That’s what I told Andy. And you know what she said.” She waits for Carina to shake her head. “That me recognizing that I’m like him is the first step to not being like him.” She wraps the towel around herself, tucking it under her arms. Maya steps in front of Carina. “I don’t want to scare you or make you feel like you aren’t welcome here because you are. I want you here.”

Carina nods but has a frown on her face. “Do you?” She wonders if Maya means it or if she’s just saying it because she doesn’t want Carina to leave, doesn’t want to be lonely.

Maya frowns too. “I do. Very much so. I just- all your stuff. And I understand why you are doing it. And that’s totally fine with me. I get it. It’s good for you. I just need to learn how to let go of that control that I want to have over everything.”

“Maya.” Carina is worried. “If you don’t want-“

“Don’t even say it.” Maya cuts her off. “I do. I do want you here. It’s just an adjustment that I have to make. But it made me realize just how much like him that I am. And I need you to know that. I needed to tell you. And I don’t want you to change anything. You are doing what you have to do to cope with all this Covid bs. And you just moved to somewhere new. It’s a lot of change. We probably shouldn’t have done this in the middle of a pandemic when we are both stressed, working long hours, and worried about our friends, families, co-workers, everyone.”

“Maybe not, but here we are.” Carina wouldn’t change anything if they could go back to do it again. She would move in with Maya one hundred times out of one hundred. She finds Maya’s hands, holding onto them. “I have to go to work.”

“I know.” Maya sighs. “Can we talk more about this later? Don’t let me push it away.”

Carina pushes herself away from the sink. “Okay.”

“And I want to hear more about Italy from you. About the things in the kitchen and how and why they bring back good memories. The meaning behind them for you.”

Carina smiles softly. “I absolutely love you.”

Maya giggles a little at Carina’s wording. “I love you too. Can I kiss you now that I’m all clean and shit?”

“Make it a good one. I have to spend the next 12 hours in the Covid zone.”

Maya hums. “It’s always a good one.” She shuffles forward, Carina wraps an arm around her back, and Maya presses her lips to Carina’s, tilting her head, deepening the kiss, but keeping it short so Carina isn’t late for work.

“You’re right.” Carina thinks their kisses are always good too.

Maya winks. “Now go kick Covid’s ass, Doctor DeLuca.”

“We’ll see how many Covid patients I have today. Hopefully, not many.”

Maya crosses her fingers and shows them to Carina. “Hopefully.” She knows how hard it is on Carina seeing pregnant women coming in with Covid.

They share one final kiss before Carina is slipping out of the bathroom and then out of the apartment.

Chapter 24

Notes:

-thanks for all the comments and kudos. they put a smile on my face.
-okay, so i wanted something light and fluffy and nice before all the sad and bad. so here it is.
-carina assessing the living arrangement at the beginning, then with a little convincing from Maya feeling more and more comfortable in her new 'home'
-sexytime in the last portion of this so NSFW

-Enjoy.

Chapter Text

Carina has a rare day off from the pandemic. She lays in bed as Maya gets up and gets ready for work. She’s gotten more comfortable with living at Maya’s, now their, apartment. It took a little while to fall into a routine that suited both of them well.

Carina had her reservations about moving in after Maya came to her and told her that she was struggling with Carina being in her space. While she was thankful that Maya was honest, it put everything into a different perspective and understanding Maya’s need for control. It was interesting to find out. Sure, Carina knew that Maya controlled all aspects of her job. She had a pertinence for organizing their trips. But she never really saw it as control issues or Maya having to control everything.

So, she was a little tentative the few days after that, trying not to step on Maya’s toes or get in her way, or put her things somewhere that Maya might not like. But then Maya caught her doing it, telling her that she was fine with Carina being there. Saying that she wanted her there. She very emphatically told Carina over and over that she wanted her there, until Carina believed it and was then able to relax into herself and their new living arrangement.

Maya gets out of bed and starts to get dressed for the day. She pulls her pants on and looks for the shirt she set out the night before that was on top of her pants. She’s not sure where her shirt went. The whole point of setting out clothes for the morning was so she wouldn’t have to find them in the morning.

“Where’s my top?”

And Carina smirks, still lying in bed. “I’m right here.”

Maya stops, dead in her tracks, not even trying to look for her shirt anymore. She slowly, almost as if in slow motion, turns her head to look over at Carina. She stares at her for a moment. The smirk on Carina’s face never fading. “Funny.” She says dryly. “Very funny.”

“Yes, I am.” Carina grins, biting her lip.

Maya shakes her head and then breaks out into a laugh. A full belly shaking laugh. “God, that’s awful.” It feels good to laugh. So good. With the pandemic and Carina moving in, things have been stressful, so it’s good to be able to have a good laugh to release some of that built up stress.

Carina shrugs and runs her hand back and forth over the sheets.

Maya looks around the room more for her shirt. “Where’s my shirt?” She steps into the bathroom and finds her shirt sitting on the countertop. “Did I put that there?”

“You must have. I didn’t.” Carina says. She sits up in bed, her back to the headboard.

Maya steps back into the room and Carina takes her picture with her phone as Maya is pulling her shirt over her head. “I heard that.”

“Heard what?” Carina puts her phone down.

“You just took my picture. I’m sure it’s unflattering. Delete it.” She narrows her eyes at Carina.

“No.”

“I was pulling my shirt over my head. Yes.” Maya comes over to the side of the bed and reaches for Carina’s phone so she can see. But Carina is faster and grabs the phone before Maya can snatch it up.

“N-no.” Carina laughs.

Maya pouts. “I have to go to work.”

“So go to work.” Carina grins.

“Delete it.”

Carina shakes her head.

“Come on.” Maya groans. “At least let me look at it.”

Carina brings the phone over and opens the photo up. She grins. Maya looks silly. “You look like your shirt is stuck.”

“Carina.” Maya whines. “Let me see.”

Carina flips the phone around for Maya to see. Maya looks at the photo. She looks ridiculous. “Delete it. There’s no reason to have a photo like that.”

“It’s my phone. I’ll do with it what I like.” Carina holds her head high, defiant.

“Fine.” Maya gives up. She knows Carina has an entire photo album with photos of her. Some are nice, some are goofy, and some are like the one she just took. Maya in awkward positions, or half dressed, or putting her shoes on, or taking a bite from a spoon or fork. Eating, sleeping. She knows there’s even one where she just got out of the shower and barely had a towel wrapped around herself before a photo was being taken.

“I’ll see you tonight?” Maya asks.

“I’m not going anywhere today.” With Covid it’s not like they can go out to dinner or do anything else in public places that aren’t the park. “Just to the store.” Carina is going to restock the cupboards and get something special for dinner. “Try to get done on time.” She reaches up and wraps her hand around the back of Maya’s neck, pulling her down for a kiss.

Maya hums into the kiss. “It’s not fair that I have to go to work and my super sexy girlfriend gets to stay home in my bed.”

“Our bed.” Carina reminds her.

“Our bed.” Maya kisses her again. “I’ll be home as soon as shift is over.” She doesn’t usually make promises because she knows if they are on a call their shift can run over, but she’s feeling hopeful today.

“Bene.” Carina scratches her fingernails into the hair at the base of Maya’s skull. “Ho in programma una cena speciale.”

Maya hums. “I didn’t get all of that but something special.”

“Cena. Dinner.”

Maya nods. “Then I’ll make sure we are done on time today.” She kisses Carina one more time before she goes. “I love you.”

“Ti amo, Capitana.” Carina smirks devilishly.

Maya bites her lips. “You’re trouble.”

Carina wiggles her eyebrows. “So, you’ve told me.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “I have to go.” She makes a move towards the bedroom door, Carina’s hand slipping from her neck as she does so.

“Just remember your top is right here if you’re looking for it.” Carina jokes. She doesn’t get a reply from Maya. Just the shutting of the apartment door. Carina tips her head back against the headboard and laughs.


Carina chops all the vegetables that she’s going to cook and add to the stuffed eggplant that she’s making. She has Maya’s laptop open and the ‘Carina’ playlist playing. She notices some songs have been added since the last time she listened to it. Carina dances over to the computer and looks at the playlist.

Electric by Miki Ratsula.

That’s the first song that she hears that she hasn’t heard before. It’s what makes her look at the list.

You’re My Best Friend by Queen is another.

REO Speedwagon’s Can’t Fight This Feeling.

Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl

Carina smiles at the list. “Maya Bishop, you are something special.” She feels light, happy, her heart is full, her whole body tingles with warmth and Maya isn’t even in her presence. Just thinking about her right now makes Carina feel like that. There’s a sense of security, peace of mind. There’s just something about Maya that makes her feel like no matter what happens in life she’ll be okay if Maya is by her side. The two of them taking on all the challenges that life will present themselves. Every day. A sense of togetherness. A team having each other’s backs; building on what they have every single day.

She dances back over to the counter and finishes with the vegetables. Carina pops everything in the oven and starts washing up.

She hears the door open and then close. Maya hums as she comes in.

Maya wraps Carina in her arms, giving her a sweet kiss. “There’s my little housewife.” She jokes.

Carina scoffs. “Don’t ever say that to me again.”

Maya gets serious. “Okay. It was just a joke. I didn’t mean anything by it. You are so much more than a housewife.” Maya hums and snuggles closer to Carina. “You are so soft and comfortable. My little pillow.”

“Stop, Maya.” Carina tries to push Maya away.

“Oh, come on.” She reaches up and runs her finger over Carina’s forehead, smoothing out the frown lines. “You are incredible. An incredibly badass doctor. An incredible friend. My best friend. An incredibly caring sister. My favorite person. An incredible lover.” Maya winks.

Carina rolls her eyes. “You’re so cheesy sometimes.”

“Only for you.” Maya leans in for a kiss, which Carina meets her for. “A great kisser.” She giggles against Carina’s lips.

“How are you doing?” Maya asks.

“I’m fine. What do you mean?”

Maya shrugs. “It’s been a few weeks. How is the adjustment to living here? I know this isn’t your home. Or wasn’t. You had your own space. It must feel different?” Maya picks at the bottom of her shirtsleeve nervously.

Carina hums, thoughtful. She never would have imagined Maya asking this question a few months ago. It just shows how much Maya has grown and learned in recent weeks. “Thank you for asking. Honestly, at first, I was leery. I didn’t want to do anything to- set you off.” Carina grimaces. “Which sounds terrible, I know.”

“But, understandable.” Maya doesn’t disagree.

“Overall, I think everything has evened out. I just, and you, just needed to find the right center point. Which I think can be hard to do with someone. Especially when you first live together. You don’t know how much time spent together is too much or too little.”

“Everyone needs their own space. Whether that’s at work or at the gym or exercise or some other hobby that doesn’t involve their partner.

“Exactly.” Carina grins brightly. She puts her hand on Maya’s cheeks and pulls her into a kiss. “How are you doing?” She wants to check in with Maya too.

Maya sighs. “Some days, especially if there is clutter laying around, I tend to struggle more. But mostly, I’m good. I’m so happy you moved in and that we are living together. If that makes me cheesy, fine.”

Maya takes a step back. “But, who I am with you. I’m not that way around anyone else. I never have been that way around anyone else. You’ve unlocked something inside of me, I think.” Carina raises an eyebrow at that. “You make me a better- no, you fixed- no, that’s not right either.” Maya sighs, frustrated she can’t articulate her feelings. “You’ve changed me. I’ve changed myself because of you. Because you love me and support me and believe in me. And I’ve never had that before. At least, not in this way. Not in a healthy way.” Maya smiles. That’s better. Sometimes it’s hard for Maya to articulate.

“It’s called growth.” Carina leans forward and nuzzles her nose against Maya’s. “And your growth is absolutely beautiful, bambina.” She seals her words with a kiss.

Maya is getting better at taking a compliment too from Carina. Not great, but she doesn’t try to hide away from them anymore. “Thanks.” She blushes a little, still.

“Since we are talking about moving in and being comfortable, can I have Andrea over for dinner one day? All three of us. I want you and Andrea to meet in person. I want my two most important people to meet and get to know each other. That is my biggest wish in life right now. With everything crazy going on.”

“Of course, babe.” Maya grins. “I want that too. How is he?”

“Good. Really good. He is helping at the hospital with Meredith’s Covid care. He seems to have taken charge of that.”

“It’s crazy that she got sick with it.” Maya comments. When she heard from Ben that Meredith had Covid she didn’t really believe it.

“It is and it isn’t. The odds are that someone was going to get it. Right? Unfortunately for her, it was her. She’s got those kids at home. Can you imagine? Three little kids, they lost their papa and now their mamma is fighting for her life.” Carina shakes her head. “If I had kids, I’d be terrified that I would bring it home to them. Or that I would get sick and then not be there for them. It’s so awful what this disease is doing to so many families. And just people in general. But we are doctors, we took an oath. We must do our jobs, regardless of the disease.”

Maya understands the sentiment. She took an oath too. She wraps Carina tighter in her arms, knowing that something could happen, that either of them could get sick from Covid or that, for Maya, she could get into a situation at work one day that she can’t get out of.

“I have Sunday and Monday off. We could do it one of those days.” Maya suggests.

“I’ll ask Andrea and see what day works good for him.” She releases Maya. “Now, for our dinner today.” She checks on the stuffed eggplant in the oven. “I believe it’s done. We were just waiting for you.”

“We?”

“Yeah, me and the eggplant.” Carina grins.

Maya laughs. “I’ll wash my hands and set the table.”

They sit down and eat.

“I was listening to that playlist. As I was preparing dinner.” Carina mentions.

“Yeah.”

“I noticed some new songs.”

“Yep.” Maya grins.

“Brown Eyed Girl?” Carina grins.

Maya shrugs. “What can I say?”

Carina laughs lightly. “Ti amo, tanto.”

“And I love you.” Maya smiles happily. “And thank you for making dinner. Is it for something special?”

“No.” Carina shakes her head. “Just because.”

“Well, it’s delicious. Compliments to the chef.” She raises a fork full in Carina’s direction.


Maya has been working three days straight. Which isn’t a long time in the history of the world, but Carina has needs and urges and sometimes she just can’t wait for Maya.

She wakes up in the morning after a particularly vivid dream, wet dream. She rolls over onto her back and feels the stickiness between her legs. She groans, wishing she didn’t just wake up alone and that her girlfriend was in bed with her.

Carina is too warm too. Product of the dream. She throws the blankets back. Carina could get up and shower. Or she couldn’t get up and shower.

It’s not something she’s done since she’s lived with Maya. It’s not something that she’s needed to do. Her right hand runs down her torso and slips into her panties. She moans at the wetness she finds. Carina runs her fingers through her folds, collecting the moisture before stroking over her clit with two fingers.

They are in the way, so Carina slips her panties off, leaving her in just a camisole. Carina is a few minutes into her ministrations when she hears the front door open and close. She smirks. This could get interesting.

She hears Maya walking through the apartment and then the bedroom door opens.

“Oh.” Maya stands in the doorway, shocked at the sight of her girlfriend on the bed, naked from the waist down, her hand between her legs. She stands stock still watching, eyes focused on that hand.

“Like what you see, bambina?” Carina spreads her legs open further.

Maya’s mouth hangs open, at a loss for words. She looks up and meets Carina’s eyes.

“How was work?” Carina asks.

Maya wrinkles her brow. “Work?” She can’t think straight right now. “What are you-?”

“What does it look like?” Carina smirks. “Are you just going to stand there?” She’s not sure if it’ll be hotter if Maya just stands there and watches or if Maya gets in bed with her. Carina doesn’t really care at this point.

Maya shakes her head and pulls her shirt over her head quickly. She takes two long stride to get to the bed and crawls across the top, hovering over Carina. “Couldn’t you wait for me?” She presses her lips to the side of Carina’s neck.

Carina moans and shakes her head.

“Naughty.” Maya husks. Her lips travel over Carina’s skin, kissing her neck, then her cheek before finding her lips. “That was quite the sight to see when I walked in the door.”

Carina tips her head back wanting Maya’s lips on her neck again. When Maya doesn’t do that, Carina removes her hand from between her legs and reaches up and grabs Maya’s chin with it. Maya moans at the wet fingers on her cheek. She turns her head, capturing those fingers between her lips. There are twin moans as Maya sucks them into her mouth.

“Touch me, Maya.” Carina begs. “I was so close before you walked in.” She squirms on the bed, begging for Maya to relieve the ache between her legs.

Maya doesn’t waste any more time. She slips her arm between their bodies. Carina sighs when Maya’s fingers touch her, stroking over her most sensitive area. “Si, bambina.”

Maya’s lips reach for the hollow in Carina’s collarbone, she licks over the spot before sucking on it, leaving a mark there, pulling another moan from Carina. An arm wraps around Maya’s back, fingernails, digging into her shoulder.

She could get used to this. Coming home from work in the morning to her girlfriend primed and ready for sex. But today, Carina was more than ready. She was nearly finished. Maya wonders what got the woman so worked up in the first place for her to walk through the door to her openly masturbating in their bed.

“Maya.” Carina moans followed by a string of Italian words that Maya has no idea what they are.

Maya focuses her attention on Carina’s sensitive bundle of nerves. She knows that’s all it’s going to take today. A few strokes before a few circles. “Cum for me, baby.” She whispers in Carina’s ear.

Carina groans and arches up into Maya.

“That’s it.” Maya coaches her through her high. Carina lets out a long moan before flopping back down to the mattress.

Maya smirks at the blissed out, dopey grin on Carina’s face as she tries to catch her ragged breath. She kisses all over Carina’s face, avoiding her lips for now so she can breathe. “Absolutely breathtaking.” Maya mumbles.

“Maya?”

Maya doesn’t think she’ll ever get sick of the way Carina says her name. “Yeah.”

Carina has her eyes closed. “You’re amazing.”

Maya laughs. “What got you all worked up this morning?”

“I had a dream.”

“Oh?”

“About you.” Carina opens her eyes and searches Maya’s face.

Maya rolls onto her side, she puts her elbow in the mattress and her hand on the side of her head, and she gazes at Carina. “And what was I doing in this dream?” She runs her index finger over Carina’s collarbone.

Carina moans, she shifts her legs against the mattress. “You were working.”

Maya frowns. “Working? That doesn’t sound very sexy.”

“But it was.” Carina licks her lips. “I don’t really remember everything, but you had an axe, and you were swing it around like it was nothing. You got too hot, so you took your jacket off. Just wearing a t-shirt with your turnout pants. The shirt tight on your biceps as you swung the axe over and over.”

Maya hums. “And?”

“And then I woke up and you weren’t here, and I was all worked up and wasn’t about to waste that.”

“So, if I’m understand this correctly, you had a wet dream about me.” Maya can’t help but tease.

“Si.” Carina confirms with a proud smile.

Maya laughs. “You really are the orgasm doctor, aren’t you?”

Carina nods. “And I take pride in it. But my study wasn’t ever about me.”

“But you reaped the benefits. Or maybe I reaped the benefits.” Maya smirks.

“Ya know.” Carina runs her finger down the center of Maya’s chest. “I did learn a thing or two from my study.” She hooks said finger into the waistband of Maya’s sweatpants pulling the material away from Maya’s skin before letting it snap back. “But I learn more about the best ways to make you feel good through experience.”

“S-show me.” Maya stutters.

“Certamente.” Carina turns onto her side. She gently pushes Maya onto her back and straddles her waist, her wet center pressing against Maya’s lower abdomen.

Maya moans as Carina grinds down against her. Her hands find Carina’s hips.

Carina removes Maya’s hands from her hips. “No touching.” She husks.

Maya moans. “What? That’s not fair.”

Carina removes herself from on top of Maya. “Take the rest of your clothes off.”

Maya frowns but removes her clothes.

Carina sits astride Maya again, this time a little lower, across her thighs. She bends so she can whisper in Maya’s ear. “Tell me what you want, bella. But no touching me.”

Maya tips her head back, exposing her neck.

Carina chuckles. “Use your words, Maya.”

“Can you-“ Maya tries to wiggle her hips. “-kiss my neck?”

“Don’t ask me. Tell me.” Carina hums.

Maya moans. “Kiss my neck and then suck on my earlobe.” Maya fists her hands in her bedsheet.

Carina grins, doing as Maya says. “What next?” She whispers in Maya’s ear.

The warm breath sends a shiver through Maya’s body.

“Cosa ti farà stare bene, bambina?”

“You. All over.” Maya replies.

Carina sits up a little and looks down at Maya’s face. “You understood all that?”

Maya shakes her head. “Just the beginning. What? And the end. Good.” Maya smiles lazily. “I’ve gotten pretty good at guessing what you’re saying or being able to fill in the words in between that I don’t know.”

Carina grins triumphantly. “Dio mio, sei fantastico. You are amazing.” Carina crashes their lips together, forgetting about the little game they were playing were she wanted Maya to tell her what to do. Carina palms each of Maya’s breast.

Maya moans into Carina’s mouth. “You are the fantastico one.” She arches into those magnificent hands.

Carina nips at Maya’s lips before drawing her attention lower. She sinks down the bed, down Maya’s body, dragging her nipples down Maya’s chest, across her stomach, hissing at the contact. Her lips attach to Maya’s left nipple, rolling her tongue over the nub before sucking it into her mouth fully. Maya’s left hand coming up to the back of Carina’s head, threading her fingers into her hair.

Carina looks up to see Maya with her eyes closed, biting her lip, her head titled to the side. She releases the nipple with a pop. “Bellisima. Assolutamente.” Her hand replaces her mouth again, her fingers pinching at Maya’s nipple.

“Voglio tanto sesso con te per il resto della mia vita.” (I want so much sex with you for the rest of my life.)

If Carina got to experience Maya like this for the remainder of her life, she knows she would die happy. As crazy as that sounds. And as much as she was never someone to settle into a relationship, for whatever reason, she wants to settle here and never leave. It’s not something she’s ever felt before with anyone. There is no feeling of missing out or what could be if she were with someone else or somewhere else. Everything is right here. In this spot. In this city. In this apartment. In this bed. In this woman.

Carina scoots down the bed until she can kiss at Maya’s hipbone, kissing and licking over the spot before moving over to the other side.

“Carina.” Maya groans, spreading her legs, needing the girlfriend between them in some way or another. “Whatever trip you’re taking-“ She moans when Carina sucks at her skin. “-make it quick.”

Carina giggles. “Okay, bambina.” She lifts her head and looks in Maya’s eyes. Carina shifts and lays on her stomach between Maya’s legs, hooking her arms under Maya’s thighs and then up and over so she can hold onto her. That hand of Maya’s is still in her hair. “Ready?”

Maya nods, consenting.

Carina dives right in, licking through Maya’s folds, stopping when she reaches Maya’s clit and sucking. She knows it drives Maya absolutely insane. Which happens in the form of Maya bucking her hips up into Carina’s mouth.

She works Maya through her orgasm. A brilliant dance that they are slowly perfecting.

Carina is playing with Maya’s hair. “You know how I know it’s good for you?”

Maya bites her lip, looking at Carina to answer.

Carina runs her finger across Maya’s collarbone. “Here.” And then wraps her hands loosely around Maya’s throat. “And here. Get’s all red and blotchy.”

Maya knows her pale white skin has that reaction to great sex. “And is it?” She knows the answer is yes.

Carina nods, pulling her hand down from Maya’s neck and placing it flat on her chest. “Si.”

“What time do you work today?” Maya asks.

“I think my first appointment is at noon. I should probably be there by ten though. I have other things to take care of.”

Maya hums. “Too bad we can’t lay in bed together all day.”

Carina taps at Maya’s chest. “That wouldn’t be a very productive day.”

Maya smirks. “Depends what you consider productive.”

Carina laughs. She chews on her lower lip. “I love spending days in bed with you.” They are few and far between right now. “Oh, by the way, Andrew said he could come over Sunday evening.”

Maya wrinkles up her face. “Where did that come from?”

“I wanted to tell you before I forgot.” Carina grins, guilty. “Sorry. Not very sexy to talk about my brother after sex, is it?”

“Hmm, no.” Maya wraps an arm around Carina and pulls her to her chest. “No more talking. Just cuddling until I fall asleep.”

Carina laughs. “You sound like a guy.”

“You cuddle with lots of guys?”

“No.” Carina shakes her head lightly. “The falling asleep part.”

“Oh, right. Well, I have a good excuse. I just worked a 24 hour shift.”

Carina hums, that lazy post sex bliss pulls her towards sleep too. “You know-“ She yawns and reaches for her phone, setting an alarm. “I could get a few more hours before I head into work.”

“I like the sound of that.” Maya already has her eyes closed as she rubs her hand up and down Carina’s arm. “Goodnight, babe.”

Carina presses her lips to Maya’s shoulder. “Goodnight, bella.”

Chapter 25

Notes:

Thanks for comments and kudos on the last chapter.

so this chapter is my one shot Little Brother. It tucks into this story right here. So if you've read that already this is mostly just a repeat of that with a few sentences or words changed. You wouldn't have to re-read it, all the content is the same. or you could reread it and get a little reminder of how dinner went.

Enjoy.

Chapter Text

Maya anxiously paces the living room.

“You need to calm down.” Carina sighs lightly as she stirs the pot on the stove.

Maya stops. Her back to Carina. She grimaces and slowly turns around. “What did you just say?”

Carina looks over her shoulder at Maya. She raises an eyebrow at her. “I said- you need to calm down. You’re going to wear a hole in the floor.” Carina gives her a soft smile before returning to her pot.

Maya frowns and stomps out of the living room into the bathroom and closes the door a little harder than she probably should have. She wraps her hands around the edge of the sink and stares at herself in the mirror. Rationally, Maya knows she needs to calm down. She knows she’s overthinking this. She knows that Carina didn’t mean what she said with any malice, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t grind her gears a little.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Maya has been working on that lately. Controlling her breathing when she’s starting to feel out of control. It works some of the time to calm her down, but not always. She knows it’s not a good thing for a fire captain to be having panic attacks. She also knows it’s from the stress of everything that’s been happening in her life with her father and in the world in general with the pandemic and basically every other issue that has come up in the last couple of weeks.

There’s been a lot going on.

And now, today, she knows. She knows it’s not a big deal and she shouldn’t be so anxious about it, but she is meeting Carina’s brother. Like properly meeting him. They’ve seen each other in passing. And the meeting over the phone when she and Carina were in Victoria. But that doesn’t count. Now counts. And Maya wants to make a good impression. She wants to show Andrew that she can be trusted, that is she honest, and that she loves Carina.

So, today is different. They are having dinner together. Andrew is coming over and they are going to have proper conversation and share a meal. He is the closest family member that Carina has, and she knows that he is an important part of her life. She also knows that the siblings don’t always see eye to eye but he is her little brother.

Maya knows a thing or two about that. A wave of guilt crashes over her thinking about her own brother. She wonders where he is and how he’s doing. She wishes she could help him like Carina has helped Andrew.

There’s a knock on the bathroom door.

“Yeah.” Maya mumbles.

The door opens slowly, and Carina peeks her head in. “Stai bene?”

Maya closes her eyes and shakes her head. Carina pushes into the bathroom. She slides up next to Maya at the sink, putting a hand on her shoulder. “What’s happening?”

Maya opens her eyes and looks into the mirror, looking at Carina through the mirror. “Don’t tell me to calm down.” She mumbles, feeling silly.

Carina hums. She wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulder and leans in and press a sweet kiss to her cheek. “I’m sorry.” She presses her forehead to Maya’s temple. “I didn’t mean it in a negative way. I just know how you get sometimes.”

Maya sighs and turns into Carina, wrapping her arms around her waist. “I’m just nervous.”

There’s a chuckle from Carina. “Dio mio. He’s just my stupid baby brother.”

Maya smiles and rolls her eyes.

Carina runs her hands down Maya’s arms until she finds her hands on the small of her back. She grabs the wrists and unwraps Maya’s arms from around herself. “Come help me. Take your mind off of it.” She pulls Maya out of the bathroom with her and into the kitchen. She holds out the spoon to Maya. “Stir.”

“I don’t think this is going to help.”

Carina takes Maya’s hand and literally puts the spoon in her grasp and then puts her hand over the pot with the spoon dipping in and stirring. She wraps her body around Maya from behind as they stir the pot together.

“This is ridiculous.” Maya grumbles but secretly she loves it. She loves the feel of Carina pressed up against her. She loves that they are ‘cooking’ together.

Carina tilts her head down and presses a kiss to Maya’s shoulder. And then another to the side of her neck. She feels the involuntary shiver in Maya’s body. She nips a bit at Maya’s skin with her teeth and it pulls a slight moan from Maya. “Ridiculous now?” Carina teases. She knows the effect she can have on Maya and uses that to her advantage to distract her.

There’s a knock on the door and they both turn towards it. “I’ll get it.”

Carina answers the door. Andrew leans against the doorframe with a smirk on his face. He looks into the apartment sees Maya standing a few feet behind Carina. He thinks that’s suitable for what he’s about to say. “Playing house with a firefighter?” He teases. Carina told him all about how she was moving in with Maya and he could see just how happy and excited Carina was.

“Shut up you poop head.” Carina groans.

“Shit head.” Maya says under her breath correcting Carina, but she is utterly confused by what Andrew said.

“Tradition.” He holds out the bottle of wine to his sister. “Even though I can’t drink any. My hope is to get you drunk enough to reveal all sorts of embarrassing stories about yourself.” Andrew wiggles his eyebrows at Maya.

Maya tilts her head to the side.

“Are you going to invite me in? Or should I just stand here in the doorway all evening?” He’s a bit of a smart ass.

Carina rolls her eyes but opens her arms and Andrew steps inside and she wraps him up in a hug. “You look good, fratello.”

“Grazie. I feel good. Maybe for the first time in a few months, I feel good.”

Carina hums, so happy for him. She’s seen him at work, but seeing him now, outside of work with a smile on his face and a little hop in his step, he looks good.

“Okay, next.” He pushes his sister away playfully. “The infamous Captain Bishop.”

Despite herself, Maya blushes. She doesn’t know what it is about these two and their compliments and flirting but it has Maya all frazzled. She can tell they are siblings just from that alone. “I hope you’ve only heard good things.”

“Oh, well, mostly.” Andrew plays around. He holds his arms out and Maya steps into his embrace.

Carina watches with her arms crossed casually over her chest. Andrew winks at her over Maya’s shoulder.

“I did hear about the not so flattering sidestep you took with Jack.”

“Andrea!” Carina nearly yells.

Maya takes a step back, pulling away from Andrew’s hug, she stares down at the floor.

“Hey, we all have our issues and flaws. Just look at me.” Andrew is embracing the fact that he has bipolar. It’s not something that he is ashamed of anymore. He just needs to learn how to stay healthy and live with it now.

“Yeah, but you didn’t cheat on your girlfriend because you were messed up.” Maya still feels guilty about it.

“True. But I didn’t have a girlfriend either, to cheat on. Hey.” He puts a hand on Maya’s shoulder, and it gets her to look up. “I’m not here to berate you or shame you or anything like that. It was meant to be lighthearted. You know, I’ve also heard that you are both past that. And that we are here to celebrate you having moved in together and my improved health.”

Maya nods and gives him a weak smile.

“How about I open this?” He raises the bottle of wine that is still in his hand.

“There’s a corkscrew in the drawer to the right of the sink.” Maya mumbles.

Andrew steps away from her to go find the corkscrew. Carina steps in to replace Andrew. “You okay?” She wraps Maya in her arms.

Maya takes a deep breath. “Yeah.”

“Bene. Ti amo.” Carina kisses her briefly. But it’s never one brief kiss with them, though. It’s one short kiss and then another slower exchange.

Andrew turns around and sees them standing their kissing. “Oh, god. How does this always happen?” He goes off into a long string of Italian sentences that Maya only can pick a few words out of.

For her part, Carina sucks her bottom lip into her mouth to try to suppress her giggles.

He switches back to English and points at Carina. “Did she tell you that I found out that she was in Seattle by walking into the place where I lived and there she was, half naked, making out with Arizona Robbins on the couch?”

Carina scoffs. “My shirt was just unbuttoned.”

“Or about the time at the intern mixer when I was walking down the hall with Robbins and we were talking about me moving out because she had a lot going on with her daughter and-“ He waves his hand at Carina. “And that I was going to move in with Owen and there Owen and Carina were making out in a supply closet.”

Andrew throws his hands in the air. “And now this.”

“Except you don’t live here.” Carina points out.

“Thank god for that.” He rolls his eyes before pouring two glasses of wine.

“Is all of that true?” Maya asks.

“Yes!”

“Don’t listen to him. But those things did happen. It’s not a big deal. Andrea is just weird about sesso.”

“I am not. I’m weird about having to watch my sister have sex.”

“I wasn’t having sex.”

“But you did after I saw you, both times. Yes?”

Carina shrugs. “Well-“ She’s not going to deny it. Carina goes over at takes the wine glasses from the counter and brings one back to Maya.

“So, what’s for dinner?” Andrew switches the subject like he never brought it up in the first place.

“I made risotto.” Carina tells him.

“No pasta?” Andrew asks.

“Sorry, no. Maya says we eat too much pasta, so I thought I’d change it up.”

“I wasn’t complaining.” Maya buts in.

“I know, bambina.” Carina reaches up and puts her palm on back of Maya’s neck, scratching lightly at the skin there with her fingertips.

Andrew hums. Pasta is his favorite, so he’s just a little surprised that Carina didn’t make any sort of pasta dish. But he can see how much pull Maya has on Carina and even the influence on what she makes for their dinner tonight. It’s very evident as they stand there across from him. Maya with her wine glass in her left hand and her other arm around his sister’s waist. He thinks they look good together. “It’s crazy but you guys look perfect together.”

Maya scoffs. “I’m not perfect.”

“Maya.” Carina scolds softly. A whisper.

“But she sure is.” Maya adds.

It’s Andrew’s turn to scoff. He turns his back to them and looks into the pot of risotto. “She’s far from perfect. Trust me. She’s stubborn and has a terrible Italian temperament.” He stirs the dish. “What are we waiting for if this is ready?”

“The bread.”

“You have a nice apartment, Maya.” He says it to get a rise out of Carina.

“Hey, I live here too.” Carina takes offense to that.

“Thank you, Andrew. But it is our apartment now.” She smiles up at Carina and is rewarded with a sweet kiss.

Andrew spins around and leans against the counter. “I do like this though.” He nods at them when they are through with the kiss. “You have my approval.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “I don’t need your approval. Or anyone’s approval. I do what I want, not what other people want.”

“And that is another one of your flaws. Miss Independent, who doesn’t stick to one thing for very long. Whether it’s a place, or a job, or just a research project, or person. It’s always about the next thing and never getting bogged down with one thing. Sometimes life can be great if you just keep it simple.”

“Oh, please. You are the same way. It’s the doctors in us. We are always looking for improvements in our patients lives, in our lives, it’s just in our nature. And don’t try to deny it.”

Maya watches them argue. She wonders about Andrew’s point and if he is correct about his sister.

“If papa were to have another episode, would you go back to Italy and tend to him?” Andrew brings up an interest point.

“No.” Carina hugs an arm around herself. The other still holding her wine glass.

“You say that, but you’ve done it before. What’s stopping you from doing it again?” Andrew challenges.

“Maya.” She says matter-of-factly.

Her eyebrows shoot up at the mention of her name. “What?” Maya was just an innocent bystander in this conversation until now.

“Really?” Andrew asks. “Wow.” He knows that means Carina is serious about this relationship.

“Oh, don’t do that.” Carina sets her wine glass on the counter. “Move.” She shoves Andrew out of the way to get at the stove. She checks on the bread and then stirs the risotto. “I know what you are thinking.” She mumbles to her brother. “But you know what. I am serious. It’s two things mostly.” She rolls her eyes at herself. Carina raise her index finger on her left hand, counting. “I’ve seen what Maya has gone through with her father recently and it made me reassess the relationship that I have with our father. He doesn’t care about me. He berates me to my face. He’s even thrown my specialty in my face. I don’t need that. He’s mean and angry and that is focused on me a lot of the time when I’m with him. So, no, I won’t go back. Someone else will have to help him because I’ve spent enough of my life wasting it on his problems to get nothing in return for it.”

Andrew stands there with his mouth hanging open. He looks from Carina over to Maya who is still standing on the opposite side of the island from them. The bewildered look on Maya’s face is hilarious.

“And-“ Carina raises her middle finger to add to the index finger. “Two, I found something that is worth staying for.” At that, she turns around and holds her hand out towards Maya. “Vieni qua.”

Maya takes a few steps and slips her hand into Carina’s. “More than a research project, more than a job, more than my annoying baby brother.” She looks right into Maya’s eyes.

“Hey.” Andrew doesn’t say it with any real offense though. He smiles at the pair.

“Don’t listen to him. I’m not going anywhere.” Carina makes sure that Maya knows.

“Good cuz I kinda like you.” Maya smiles.

“Only kinda?”

Maya shakes her head. “No, I love you.” She whispers.

“Good cuz I love you too.”

The oven beeps to let them know that the bread is ready.

“Perfect.” Andrew helps himself to getting the bread out while the couple is too busy making heart eyes at each other.

They all sit down to eat. The conversation turns to what is happening at the hospital. Maya listens as they talk in medical terms. She knows some of them but not everything they are talking about. It’s a new interesting thing that she’s found she enjoys. Listening to Carina talk about medical stuff and delivering babies. It might be her new favorite part of the day. Getting to come home or Carina coming home and Carina just telling her about her day at work.

She’s zoned out and hasn’t realized it until there is a hand on her thigh.

“What are you thinking about?” Carina asks her.

Maya hums. “You.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I like when you come home from work and tell me about your day at the hospital.”

“A lot happens there sometimes but most days aren’t too exciting.” Andrew tags into the conversation.

“It’s amazing that you bring babies into this world.” Maya praises her girlfriend.

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Andrew mumbles. “Babies are born all the time.”

“You sound like papa, Andrea, stop it.” She glares over at him before turning back to Maya. “You’ve done it too.”

Maya chuckles. “Yeah, but you are far most skilled and prepared for it than I am. I’m just freaking out the whole time.”

“And you call me every time and I talk you through it again. You just have to let it happen. It’s all natural.”

“But what if there’s a problem one time.” Maya has heard about all the possible problems that could arise during childbirth from Carina and now it freaks her out that something could happen the next time she has to help deliver a child on a call.

“You’re a professional. You’ll be fine.” Carina squeezes her thigh. “Eat.” She points her spoon at Maya’s bowl.

Maya rolls her eyes. “I’m not a child.”

“Then eat your dinner.” Carina says playfully. “Or you can’t have any tiramisu for dessert.”

“Next time, Maya you’ll have to make something from your family. Bishop, what is that?”

Maya hums. “I’m not sure. I think I’m part English and maybe German from my father’s side. I don’t know about my mother. She never talked about it.”

Andrew hums. “Well, are there any dishes that your parents made that were special, as a kid?”

“Not really. My father insisted that we eat healthy. Or that I ate healthy. I never had dessert so when Carina moved in and made lasagna and tiramisu all the time, I knew I hit the jackpot.” She jokes.

“Her lasagna is very good. Just like mamma’s.”

“You don’t need to tell me. That’s how she hooked me. She brought lasagna to my office one day when I was working.” Maya smirks over at Carina.

Carina just shakes her head. “It was more than that.” She knows she didn’t win Maya over with just her lasagna.

“But the lasagna.” Maya moans. “Even as a leftover in a Tupperware. It was amazing.”

Andrew chuckles. “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” He points his spoon at Carina. “As they say.”

“As they say.” Carina repeats.

“So, Andrew, what was Carina like as a kid?”

Andrew hums over the question. “Pretty much the same as she is now. Caring and loyal. A bit goofy. A huge nerd. She always had to be learning something new. But she was all gangly long legs and arms. A stick of a thing. Oh, I know, she had this one blanket when she was little that she carried around everywhere. I mean everywhere. Outside, through the dirt, out on the street where we played. In the house, to school for a while. Everywhere. It was so disgusting. I remember the day mamma took it away and threw it in the garbage. Carina went in the garbage that night and got it out and brought it to bed with her. The next morning mamma found it in bed with her and had a fit because it had been in the dirty garbage and here it was in the clean bed with her. Papa came in, and this is the part I remember really, cuz I was so young. He came in and found out what was happening and started yelling. He ripped the blanket out of her hands and went to the kitchen, Carina crying and following after him. He got the box of matches out from the top of the tallest cabinet and lit one and started the blanket on fire. He held it over the sink until the whole thing burned.” Andrew’s voice is softer now at the end. The cute story turning sad.

Carina adds her part. “Carina you have to grow up, you can’t be a silly little baby forever.” She huffs. “That’s what he said to me.”

Andrew gives his sister a sad smile. “Now that I think about it, he was always so hard on you. Even as a kid.”

Carina gives a single nod.

Maya reaches over and takes Carina’s hand in her own. “Only happy stories from now on.”

“Remember when we used to go down to the beach with mamma.” Andrew switches to a happy story.

“You loved the water.” Carina says of Andrew. “I would try to build a sandcastle just about every time we went.” Carina turns slightly in her seat so that she is facing Maya. “And Andrea would splash around in the water for what seemed like hours. And then at some point he would run through and step on and destroy my castle.”

“Silly brother.” Maya says.

“And you would huff and get upset but each time we went you would start on a new sandcastle even though I would always come through and destroy it. It never deterred you from making a new one.”

Carina smiles, a little twinkle of nostalgia in her eyes. “I think the beauty in it was that each castle could be different. Something new every time. There was an excitement in that. Even if silly brothers would eventually ruin it.”

“When I moved and would come back just for summer. We were older and we’d spend half of our time at the beach.”

“Andrea thought he was smooth. He’d always try to pick up girls at the beach. And maybe his Italian worked on the girls in the US but the Italian girls didn’t understand his lack of accent and the unusual way he said some words. It was pretty comical. I don’t think that skinny little boy body that you had was helping either. Maybe you should’ve kept your shirt on.” Carina teases.

“Oh, please. They loved me because I lived in the US. It was intriguing to them. I was like this foreigner, but I knew the county and the language. It was the best of both.”

“If you say so.” Carina saw it entirely differently. “What was that one girl’s name that you had a crush on for the longest time? Gina? Ginger? Something.”

“Oh, I remember her. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me. We would see her every time we were at the beach. She was always hanging around. I would try to talk to her, but she wasn’t really interested, I could tell, but that didn’t stop me. She was so pretty.”

“She was.” Carina agrees.

Andrew shakes his head. “Yeah, that’s the problem. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me. It was you she was interested in. I think she had a crush on you, Carina.”

“She did. She even gave me her phone number.”

“What?” Andrew nearly jumps out of his seat. “And you never told me this.”

“I didn’t want your feelings hurt.” Carina shrugs.

“Oh, boy.” Maya looks between the pair.

“So, what happened?” Andrew calms down a little bit again.

“Oh, you know.” She shrugs again.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to be more specific than that.”

“I don’t know if I should be with your sensitivity to sex.” Carina smiles a little.

“I’m not sensitive to sex- wait you had sex with her.” Andrew throws his hands in the air. “You can’t remember her name, but you slept with her.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“What do you mean you guess?” Andrew is all riled up about this.

Carina grimaces. “It wasn’t very good.”

They all laugh.

“We were young and had no idea what to do. I don’t think either of us had been physical with a woman before. It is what it is.” Carina shrugs it off.

“Wow.” Andrew sits there, stunned.

“Wow.” Maya mumbles along with him.

Andrew shakes his head. “I can’t believe it.”

“That your crush was interested in me?”

“Exactly.”

“I told you it was that skinny little body and your weird accent. Not appealing. I, on the other hand-“ Carina looks down at her body, motioning over it with her hand.

“Yeah, we get it, you’re hot.”

“I agree with Andrew.” Maya smirks. “You’re hot.”

Carina leans in and presses her lips to Maya’s. “I’ll get dessert.” She pushes herself up from her chair.

Carina goes to the kitchen. She can feel both of their eyes on her as she moves about. She thinks this is going well with Andrew which she is happy about. Carina knows it could be a total disaster. And she knows it sort of started out that way, but he’s redeemed himself.

“What about you, Maya? Any annoying siblings?”

“I don’t know if he’s annoying, but I have a brother. A younger brother. But I haven’t been in contact with him for a while now.” Maya hangs her head.

“Oh, sorry to hear that.” Andrew leans back in his chair. “Two older sisters with younger brothers.” He smirks. “I’d like to meet him one day. If you ever do get in contact with him, that is. We could bond about our annoying older sisters.”

That gets a little smile from Maya. “Sure.” She mumbles.

Carina comes back with two plates, placing one in front of Maya and then Andrew. “Well, try it. Tell me how it is.”

They both dig into their dessert and take a bite. Carina gets twin moans in reply from them. She laughs and goes back for her own plate. She sits next to Maya again and they eat in relative silence.

“What are your plans for the rest of the evening?” Carina asks her brother.

“Nothing much.”

“We were just going to watch a movie.” Carina tells him.

“Sunday night is movie night.” Maya adds.

“If we are both home. Sometimes with Maya’s weird schedule she’s not home on Sunday nights.”

“Three out of every four Sunday’s I’m home. I told you that.” Maya has tried to explain her schedule to Carina on more than one occasion, but it hasn’t stuck yet. She’s thinking of just getting a calendar and writing it all down for her. Then Carina won’t have to ask what shift she’s working every day. It’s not really that complicated once you get it down. But then again, she enjoys that Carina asks what her schedule is every day. It makes her feel cared for and important enough that Carina wants to know.

“Yes, but I don’t know which Sunday’s those are.”

Maya rolls her eyes playfully. “You can join us for movie night if you’d like Andrew.”

“Oh, no thanks.” He holds his hands up in front of him, palms out. “I wouldn’t want to interrupt that. Nothing like being a third wheel on date night.”

“It’s not a date.” Maya says. “We are just sitting on the couch watching a movie.”

“Sounds like a date night to me.” Andrew smirks.

Maya thinks about it. It never dawned on her that that is what their movie nights are. “Oh.” She mumbles.

Carina laughs at her side. “You are so clueless sometimes. How is that possible?”

“It just- I never thought that’s what is was. Especially since you moved in. It’s just something we did. Do. I don’t know. Wow. I’m so terrible at this relationship stuff sometimes. It’s just that it doesn’t feel like a date. There’s no pressure or anything. It’s just you and me hanging out.”

“It is.”

“It’s just so easy.”

“I know.” Carina can see the wheels turning in Maya’s head. “Don’t overthink it, bambina.” She presses a kiss to Maya’s temple.

“You guys are disgusting.” Andrew pushes out his chair. “I mean that in the best way possible. Like, disgustingly cute. And I think that is my cue to make my exit. We need to do this again sometime. And Maya, I was serious. You need to cook something next time. You better not be making my sister do all the cooking for you.”

“I don’t.”

“She doesn’t.”

“Good.” He seems satisfied with that answer. Andrew has only heard Maya talk about how Carina cooks and how great it is. No one has said anything about Maya cooking. “Cuz every great romance should be a shared experience. A give and take. I shared back and forth. Not all the responsibility falling on one person.”

“Andrea.” Carina sighs.

“What?” He shrugs.

“Are all you Italians romantics?” Maya chuckles.

“Si.” Carina and Andrew say at the same time.

They all laugh.

“I’ll leave you to your movie night. Thank you for inviting me to dinner. I had a lovely time and I’m glad we were able to do this.” He means on a bigger level than just them getting together for a meal. He knows a few weeks ago this wouldn’t have been possible. He is thankful for his improved mental state.

Maya stands from her seat. So does Carina. “It was nice to properly meet you, Andrew.” Maya reaches out to shakes his hand.

Andrew takes Maya’s hand but instead of shaking it her pulls her into a hug. “Us Italians, you’ll learn, are big huggers.” He whispers in her ear. “Take good care of my sister.”

Carina can hear what he says as she’s standing right next to them. She rolls her eyes. She wants to remind him that she can take care of herself. But that’s not really the point.

“I will.” Maya promises.

They release from their hug. Andrew points a finger at Carina. “I’ll see you at the hospital.”

Carina nods and gives him a brief side hug. “Goodnight, Andrea.” She waves him out the door. Before she even can shut the door and turn around, she hears a sigh come from Maya. “What?” Carina spins around.

“That went well.” Maya is relieved.

“I told you.” Carina chuckles.

“I know- I just-“

Carina steps up to her and wraps her arms around Maya. “You were nervous. I know.” She gives Maya a sweet kiss. “Now what movie are we watching for date night.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “I’m not going to live that down, am I?”

Carina shakes her head. “Not for a while.”

“I’ll clean up from dinner. You go change and pick a movie. Nothing scary though.”

“Sounds perfetto.”

Chapter 26

Notes:

What to say about this chapter?

I think i'm happy with it. So much happened in 4.6 it was tough to recap it all but other than that i'm happy with how the rest turned out.

Let me know what y'all think.

Chapter Text

“So, I heard you moved in with firefighter Barbie. How’s that going?” Amelia asks from the other side of the circular table. They are having a socially distanced lunch, trying to catch up a little since Amelia has been on maternity leave.

Carina nods. “There have been a few bumps in the street, but I think, good overall.” She stabs at her salad with her fork.

“How’s the sex? Still good? Cuz now the dynamic has changed. It hasn’t messed that up, has it?” Amelia is always asking about people’s sex lives; she can’t help it.

“It’s good.” Carina smiles at her food, thinking about the other day when Maya came home from work in the morning.

“Just good?”

“Well.” Carina shrugs. “There hasn’t been much time for that lately.”

“Fuck Covid.” Amelia grumbles.

“Right.” Carina points her fork at herself. “Either I’m working longer or more shifts or Maya just isn’t home because she’s on her regular schedule. But I’m glad that we moved in together because I don’t think I would have survived if I kept isolating by myself. Going home to an empty apartment every day after being at the hospital all day dealing with this mess of a disease. Humans aren’t meant to be alone. It isn’t just Maya. It’s not being able to see friends or Andrew or go anywhere. I got so lonely. I didn’t realize how much I needed people and human contact. I’m glad I have Maya. She’s so amazing.”

“She’s a bit of an enigma to me. I haven’t figured her out yet.” Amelia thinks there something very mysterious about Maya. Maybe it’s her closed off nature when she doesn’t know someone, but it makes her mysterious and sexy.

“You just don’t know her well yet. You should come over sometime. Not anytime soon, of course. Once Covid calms down or when there’s vaccinations. And bring baby Scout with you. Link can come too if he wants.” Carina invites the whole family. She obviously hasn’t talked to Maya about inviting them over; but Maya was all for inviting Andrew over so what’s to say Carina can’t invite some of her friends over too. She really is at ease with living with Maya now. It took a few weeks. So comfortable now though. So welcomed and at home. That word keeps finding a way to repeat itself in her head and it feels good.

Amelia grins. “I’ll take you up on the offer sometime. I don’t know if Link would want to come though. But maybe if I tell him more about Maya he might be intrigued.” Carina raises an eyebrow at that. “He knows us. Thinks we’re boring. Getting to know someone new would be exciting to him. He’s like a social butterfly sometimes, it’s weird.”

Carina nods. She can see that in him. “What’s the rest of your day look like?”

“I have to check in on Meredith. Other than that, whatever comes in. I’m just getting back into the swing of things. I’ve never spent so much time at home. I was hoping to be back to work sooner but then everything happened with Meredith and her Covid. I’ve been looking after the kids mostly. It’s exhausting. I’m secretly hoping I get some good cases today. Something to boost my serotonin levels. Something that gets me back in the mood.”

Carina hums. She doesn’t know how she would handle a house full of kids in the middle of a pandemic. She applauds Amelia for what she is doing. “I hope your day is good then. I just hope I don’t have anyone that dies. I can’t handle that shit.”

“I would imagine not. That probably doesn’t make the happy baby doctor very happy.” Amelia grins.

Carina points at herself. “Not a baby doctor.”

Amelia waves a hand at Carina. “You know what I mean.”

Carina chuckles. She does.


Carina has been working all night. The hospital basically having all hands on deck as Seattle Pres was at capacity and sending their patients over to Grey-Sloan. It’s not the shift she envisioned but thankfully no one has died on her watch.

She comes outside in the morning, the sun slowly rising in the sky. It seems like it could be a beautiful day. Too bad she plans to go home and sleep and isn’t able to enjoy the day. Carina is walking to her car when she spots her brother.

He walks towards her, a bit frantic, as he tries to trail Opal without her spotting him. He fills Carina in on what’s going on. She agrees, reluctantly, to help him.

They rush over to Carina’s car. Andrew throws his bike helmet in the back seat and hops in the front seat. “Go. Go. Go.” He buckles in and leans forward in his seat.

Carina throws the car in reverse, backing out of her parking space before putting it into drive and pulling away. They follow Opal’s car at a good distance.

“Don’t get too close.” Andrew warns.

“I won’t.”

“But don’t loose her, hurry up.” He waves his hand as Opal turns a corner in front of them.

She glances over at her brother, annoyed with his contradictory remarks, her eyes returning to the road after a second.


The phone rings and rings and rings. Carina had texted her to tell her she was going to be stuck at the hospital all night but that she thought she would be done come morning. Maya thinks, as the call goes to voicemail, that Carina has probably gone home to sleep and that’s why she’s not answering her phone.

She rambles on the voicemail. She knows she’s doing it. Maya just wanted to talk to Carina. To hear her voice. For her to say ‘you’ve got this.’ Her confidence in her decision making is shaken after yesterday and last night. Maya wonders if she should have let Dean go into that house and not wait for the police to arrive. And then when they did arrive, they didn’t do anything to help. So, she’s a little rattled.

Carina sees the phone light up out of the corner of her eye. It’s on silent. She focuses back on the road and the car that they are tailing.

Maya groans as the voicemail cuts her off. Yesterday didn’t end well and today isn’t starting off very well either. She tries to focus on the task at hand, getting everything ready for the inspection. It annoys her that Sullivan had to remind her that it was today. It makes her seem like she doesn’t know what is going on. She knew the inspection was today but with everything going on and having to spend the night at the police station trying to get two of her firefighters released from jail, it slipped her mind. And Sullivan being the one with the remind makes it worse because he was the one locked up. Maya wonders if, because he didn’t have anything else to do but sit there, that he was hyper focused on the inspection.

She clenches her jaw and gets out of the chair. Her anxiety is bubbling just below the surface. She knows that next unnecessary or bad thing to happen today is going to make it skyrocket.

Maya start worrying about the inspection. There’s so much they need to get ready before the battalion chief shows up. She makes a mental checklist.

Andrew and Carina call Maya asking her to get the police involved. That anxiety, it’s skyrocketed, it sets everything in Maya body on high alert.

Maya works her magic and calls Carina back and says that the police are coming. But Carina hangs up on her when Opal gets out of her car at the transit station. Maya panics and tries to call Carina back, but it goes to voicemail.

“Damn it.” Maya slams the phone down. She clenches her fists. Andrew is a good man. She just wishes he didn’t have to have a hero complex on the day that she’s got inspections. How is she supposed to focus on that when Andrew and Carina could be walking into a dangerous situation?

Carina for her part remains calm, she knows they shouldn’t be doing this. She knows it could be dangerous. She grabs her phone and keys and gets out of the car to follow Andrea. She just hopes that the police can help when they get here.

Maya can’t leave the station though. She paces her office trying to think of anything that she can do to help them from where she is. She’s already sent Warren and Gibson. The police are on their way as well. There’s not much more she can do.

Maya goes into her bunk and puts her dress uniform on.

It’s on and she’s dressed, and she looks in the mirror. It’s wrong. It looks wrong right now. Maya tugs at the tight collar, the tie. It’s all wrong. Maya goes back into her office and logs out of her computer and straightens up her paperwork.

Andy walks in. Maya takes her uniform jacket off. The decision to leave has been made.

Andy talks about inspection day, but Maya isn’t focused on that anymore. She tells Andy she has to go. She gives her reasons and she’s fine if that means it’s her last day as captain. She’s going to follow her gut, do what’s right. She didn’t do that yesterday with those girls and look what happened. She didn’t help those girls then, but she can help them now.

She puts on her boots, ties them, up and leaves Andy in charge. She grabs the keys to the station truck and hurries off to the train station.

Carina sees him lying there. She doesn’t believe it’s him at first. But the closer she gets the more it sinks in that it is in fact her brother lying on the hard floor of the train station. She has no idea what’s wrong or why he’s lying there. Things aren’t adding up.

What her eyes see when she finds them it not what she wanted to see. Maya blinks rapidly as she wraps her arms around Carina, pulling her back away from Andrew so Warren and Gibson can work on him, get him onto the gurney and on the way to the hospital.

They hurry behind the gurney as Ben and Jack quickly get Andrew out of the building. Everything a confusing swirl.

Maya briefly wonders how this can be happening. They get into the back of the ambulance. It’s been a long time since she’s been in the back of an ambulance. Maya looks around, getting her bearings before assisting Ben in treating Andrew.

It’s hard to watch as Andrew lays on the bed in the hospital groaning in pain. It’s harder to watch Carina and see her fear and panic. Maya holds onto her, tight, trying to keep them both grounded.

It seems like it was just yesterday that they had Andrew over for dinner. And that they were telling stories and laughing and eating. That wasn’t that long ago and now here he is laying on a hospital bed with an abdominal stab wound.

Carina begs to go with them. Maya holds her back as Andrew and Owen tell her no. They go in the hall and watch as Andrew is taken away.

Maya looks around as Carina starts crying harder. She needs to get them out of the hallway. “Is there somewhere we can go?”

Carina doesn’t answer her. She feels herself shutting down though. She hears the question but can’t come up with a response even though it’s a simple question.

“Okay.” Maya wraps her arm around Carina’s back. “Come on.”

Carina goes with her, out of her own control, she’s glad that Maya is there to guide her. If she weren’t Carina would probably just collapse on the floor and crumple into a little ball. This pain and uncertainty are unbearable.

She doesn’t know how but she is sitting on the couch in her office. Maya is kneeling in front of her, taking her shoes off.

Maya runs her hands up the outside of Carina’s calves until she reaches her knees. “Is it okay if I look for some different clothes in your-“ Maya points over to the little standalone cabinet in the corner of the room that she knows Carina keeps a few spare changes of clothes in. Things happen in a hospital and bodily fluids sometimes get on clothes. It’s good to have a few options.

Carina nods. The tears have stopped. She thinks she might be done with them for now. Maybe it’s just the shock. She watches Maya move about the room, gathering things before coming back to stand in front of her.

“You don’t have any comfort clothes here.” Maya chuckles trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m a professional.” Her voice coarse, stiff.

Maya nods. “I know. How about jeans and this loose blouse?” Maya holds them out. “Maybe we can find a sweatshirt somewhere. I think that would be more comfortable.”

Carina stands up on shaky legs.

“Woah.” Maya grabs her by the elbow. “You okay?”

Carina nods and unbuttons her pants and slips them down her legs. Maya holds up the jeans and Carina slides them up her legs. She takes her coat off. Maya holds her arm out and Carina lays it over Maya’s arm.

Maya takes the coat over to the coat rack and hangs it up as Carina changes her shirt. She comes back over and sees Carina looking down at her feet. “There’s sneakers under the left side of my desk.”

Maya goes to retrieve them. “Sit.” She brings them back over and has Carina sit down on the couch again. “Where can we find you a hospital sweatshirt or something?” Maya knows there must be some somewhere. They have Station 19 t-shirts and sweatshirts in the storage room at the station.

Carina hums as she watches Maya put her shoes on. She feels like she could do that herself but lets Maya do it anyway. She’s feeling a bit better. Things aren’t as chaotic in here as they were downstairs in the ER. She’s still worried about Andrea but she knows Owen will do everything he can to treat him and make him all better.

“Carina?” Maya sits up in her kneeled position a little when she doesn’t get a response from the doctor.

“Your shirt, bella.” Carina reaches out at the red spot on the left breast of Maya white dress shirt.

Maya looks down and shrugs.

Carina doesn’t know when Maya took off the gown or gloves or googles that she was wearing downstairs. It must have been between then and now though.

“It’s just a shirt.” Maya mumbles. That’s not what she’s worried about right now. She looks down and finishes tying Carina’s shoes.

“Did I do that?” Carina wonders out loud.

“Probably.” Maya doesn’t really know. She thinks its probably a smudged handprint of Carina’s. A lot happened so fast. She gets up and sits on the couch next to Carina. She folds Carina’s clothes and stacks them neatly on the arm of the couch. They can stay in her office for now. “Now, about a sweatshirt.”

“There’s some in the storage room on the first floor.”

“Perfect.” Maya hops to her feet. She holds out Carina’s phone that she took from her coat pocket and her mask for her to take. “Lead the way.” Maya opens the door and waits for Carina to exit first. She hurries out after her and finds her hand, taking it.

They go down and get a sweatshirt and Carina throws it on over the shirt she is wearing and zips it up, putting her phone in the front pocket. “I need an update.” Maya just nods and follows Carina through the hospital.

They go to the surgery board and see that Andrew is in surgery. Carina has the urge to go and watch. To go sit up in the gallery and watch as they work on her brother. She looks down the hallway in the direction that the gallery is.

But Maya tugs on her hand. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Carina asks.

Maya doesn’t say anything. She’s never been a religious person. She wasn’t raised in a particular religion. Maya remembers her mother going to church when they were little, but they never went with her. She remembers her father yelling at her mother before she would leave the house to go to church. She remembers her mother stopped going at one point. Probably because she didn’t want to get yelled at about it anymore. Maya wonders if her father really prevented her mother from participating in the religion that she practiced.

They get to the chapel doors and Maya pushes the right door open. She doesn’t know what religion Carina was raised with. Italians are Catholic, right? So maybe this is the right place for them to be right now while they wait on news of Andrew’s surgery.

Maya feels her phone buzz in her pocket. They walk to the front of the chapel. There’s no one else in the room. Maya doesn’t know if that’s good or bad. Good, she thinks, no one else’s family members are dying.

Dying.

Is Andrew dying? Is it that bad? Maya isn’t sure. She could asks Carina. She knows Carina knows. Maya doesn’t know all the medical terminology and how bad the condition is to know if what happened to Andrew is critical or not.

A second buzz pulls Maya from her thoughts. She pulls her phone from her pocket as Carina goes over to the stand with all the candles on it.

Maya reads the message and sends out a reply.

Carina lights a match and lights a candle for Andrea with shaky hands, saying a little prayer that he’ll be okay before shaking the match out. Which was a dumb move know that she thinks about it. She wants to light a candle for her mother too. She’s not really thinking though. She gets another match and tries to light it, but the match won’t light.

“Warren got called to a four alarm downtown.”

Maya’s words float into her brain. Carina strikes the match against the box. Why won’t it light?

“Do you have to go?” She breathes out shakily. She’s ready for Maya to leave. Carina thinks maybe Maya would rather go back to work than deal with all of this hospital stuff. It’s not really Maya’s cup of tea. Maybe it’ll be better that way. Carina can take care of Andrea herself. She’s been doing it her entire life. Why would today be any different?

“Carina. I’m not going anywhere.” Maya watches Carina strike the match aggressively against the box. “Hey. Hey.” Maya wraps her hand around Carina’s wrist. She takes the match from her hand before something happens. They don’t need to start any unnecessary fires in the chapel. Let the firefighter light the match. She strikes the match on the box lighting it and then lighting a candle.

Carina starts talking about her mom as soon as Maya touches the flame to the wick.

Maya listens intently, watching Carina’s face the entire time she’s talking, seeing her eyes light up at the memory of her mother and of her and Andrew when they were little. They sit and Maya smiles at the cute memory with Carina.

“Two parts of one whole.” And then Carina is crying again.

Maya rubs her hand up and down Carina’s thigh, hoping to comfort her but she isn’t sure if it’s working. Maya doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know if Andrew is going to be alright. She doesn’t want to make false promises.

They sit there for a long time. Carina tells more stories about Andrew from when they were little kids. That seems to be the place Carina is stuck in. Those memories seem to be the purest. They seem to be what Carina remembers most fondly of her years with Andrew. Maya knows it’s because they were split up for much of their lives after that. It’s nice to hear about Carina and Andrew’s childhood memories. Maya wishes the circumstances were different when she got to hear about them though.

Carina feels tired. It’s been a long exhausting day. She lays her head on Maya’s shoulder. “Is it okay if we just sit here in silence?” Carina doesn’t want it to be weird.

Maya squeezes her thigh. “Whatever you want.” She whispers and rest her head on top of Carina’s.

“Grazie.” She stuffs her hands into her sweatshirt pocket and tries to think positive thoughts. Things to help her stay positive and to let the universe know that she is positive and that she’s not giving up on Andrea. She knows he is a fighter and that he’s fought through so much already he can get through this too.

Teddy and Owen come in to say that Andrew pulled through surgery.

“He’ll be okay.” Maya whispers, still holding onto Carina. She rocks them back and forth.

“I hope you’re right. I’m so scared right now.”

“I know you are. I know.” Maya leans back, her hips still pressed to Carina’s but her shoulder pulled back so she can look at the sad beauty in her arms. Maya reaches up and pulls Carina’s mask down so that it sits on her chin. She wipes the tears from her cheeks.

“Devo vederlo. Andrea.” Carina sniffles. “I have to see him.”

“Okay, we’ll go. Or do you want to go by yourself?” Maya second guesses herself. She’s not sure what the correct action is here. She wants Carina to do what she wants but she also doesn’t want her to be alone or in need of anything right now. It’s not a situation Maya has ever found herself in before.

“You come with me.” Carina mumbles and turns away from Maya to leave to chapel.

Maya grabs her hand just before Carina can get out of her reach. She squeezes Carina’s hand. Carina looks down at their hands and then up to Maya’s face. Maya gives her a soft sympathetic smile. “Pull your mask up.” She whispers.

Carina smiles in thanks, pulls her mask up, and leads Maya out of the chapel.

Her heart pounds loudly in her chest as the walk the halls of the hospital. Carina doesn’t know what room he’s in but knows where he’ll be. It’s only a handful of rooms that he could be in. They get to the area and her palms are sweaty, her stomach gurgles, the anxiety present in every tense muscle of her body. The only thing keeping Carina still, present, grounded is Maya’s hand in hers.

Owen is standing there with a nurse. He leads them to the room. He starts talking but Carina can’t really focus on his words as she sees her brother lying in the hospital bed. She goes to his side and takes his hand in hers. She smiles through her tears. Her brother is alive. He’s safe. He’s here.

She tells him that they arrested Opal and the man who stabbed him and that because of his actions many children will be saved. She scolds him but is just happy to see his eyes open.

They sit together for a few minutes before Andrew gets sleepy.

Carina tells him it’s okay to have a rest. She sits there after he falls asleep, still holding his hand.

“He has the best sister.” Owen says at Maya’s side.

Maya jumps a little. She forgot that she was in a hospital. Or that Owen was standing at her side.

She had just been standing in the hallway. Letting Carina go in and see her brother by herself. Maya doesn’t need to be in there. She’ll give them time and then maybe go in later to sit with them. So, she stays silent in the hall.

Maya glances over at him. Looking him up and down. Her eyes come to rest on his forehead, just above his eyes when she speaks. “He does.”

Owen smiles his half smile. A little lift of one side of his lips.

Maya looks up at his hairline. The orange-red patch of hair that sticks up on the top of his head. She wrinkles her brow together before turning away from him and looking back through the window and Andrew and Carina.

It’s weird. Standing here next to Owen. She’s grateful for him and everything he’s done to get Andrew to where he is right now, but there’s a little bug in the back of her brain that screams “Carina slept with this man” and she can’t quite put it out of focus right now. She’s not threatened by him but it’s still awkward. She has no idea if Owen even knows who she is or her relationship to Carina and Andrew. She doesn’t have anything else to focus on at the moment so that’s the thing that sticks with her as she watches Carina and Andrew.

Carina comes out into the hallway after about fifteen minutes. She yawns. “Let’s go get a coffee.” She holds her hand out for Maya to take. It’s been a long day. It’s dark outside when they exit the hospital. The little coffee cart is closed so the go down the street to the nearest café.

“Go sit. I’ll order.” Maya tells her and presses a kiss to Carina’s cheek.

Carina thinks about her day. Well, today and yesterday. And how she was up all night last night because the hospital was crazy busy with all the extra patients coming in from Seattle Pres. And tonight looks like it might be another sleepless night.

Maya comes over with the coffee.

“Thank you, bambina.” Carina wraps her hands around the warm mug as Maya sits across from her.

“How are you doing?” It seems like the obvious question.

Carina hums. “I feel like all my nerves are fried. Everything is sensitive. Any touch, smell, taste has a sensation of too much.”

Maya nods. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Carina smiles sadly. “Maya, you just being here helps tremendously.”

“Good.” Maya nods. “Good.” She takes a sip of her coffee. “I’m guessing you want to go back to the hospital after this.” Carina nods. “Okay, that’s fine. I can bring you back and then maybe, if it’s okay, I’ll go home and change my clothes.” She looks down at her blood stained shirt, her tie, the jacket.

“That’s fine. Will you stay there or come back?”

“What do you want?”

Carina wants Maya by her side. It’s selfish. She knows Maya needs to sleep. She knows Maya has a job to go to in the morning. But she can’t help it right now. “Come back to the hospital. I’ll have them set up a cot in Andrea’s room for you to sleep on.”

Maya nods. She’s not worried about sleep right now. She’s worried about Carina. She’s worried about Andrew. She can get sleep some other time. Maya is used to being up all night and pushing through the lack of sleep the next day. She’s already thinking about calling into work and having Andy take over for her again tomorrow. Maya looks down at the time on her phone. 10:24pm

“I’ll be right back.” Maya goes over to the counter and orders two croissants and two muffins. They need to eat something. Maya isn’t hungry and she knows Carina won’t be either, but she knows they need these at some point. She gets them to go and the café worker puts the pastries in a paper bag for her. “Grazie.” Maya says to the woman without thinking about it. She turns away from her, stops and looks back. “Thanks.” She says in English.

Maya shakes her head. She thinks it’s just the long, exhausting day that has her doing that.

She comes back over to the table and sits down.

“What’s that?”

“Food.” Maya reaches up and loosens the tie around her neck and unbuttons the top button of her dress shirt. “I just thanked that woman in Italian.”

Carina grins, proud.

They finished their coffee before heading back to the hospital. Ready to go back to Andrew’s room, and then Maya to go home and change and come back. But all of that changes when they get back to the room and it’s empty.

Carina tries not to panic and go to worst case scenarios. She goes to the nurse’s station. “Did they take Andrea for another CT or something?”

The nurse looks up at her and Carina can see the fear in her eyes.

“No.” Carina shakes her head.

Maya wraps her arms around Carina.

“They had to take him back to the OR.” The nurse explains.

Carina’s knees buckles. “I shouldn’t have left.”

Maya guides her over to the chair in Andrew’s room. “You didn’t know what would happen.” She reminds Carina. She knows logically Carina must know this.

“No, but I shouldn’t have left.”

Chapter 27

Notes:

-carina learns of andrew’s death, they go to view the body, say goodbye, then the grieving process starts

Chapter Text

They sit in his room for what feels like hours but is only really half an hour. Carina has her head resting on Maya’s shoulder. Maya with a protective arm around Carina. Maya sees them standing out in the hallway before Carina is aware that Teddy and Owen are even in their presence. Maya tries to lock eyes with Teddy but Teddy is just standing there, a vacant look on her face. Maya shifts her gaze over to Owen. He shakes his head at Maya.

Maya inhales deeply trying to stave off the impending dread as Teddy and Owen step into the room.

Carina hops to her feet anxious to hear about her brother. “How is he?” She worries her hands together in front of her. Before either one of them speaks she feels Maya’s arms come around her waist from behind.

“I’m sorry, Carina-“ Teddy starts.

“There was too much bleeding. His heart stopped and we tried for forty minutes. He’s gone.” Owen delivers the blow.

Maya is lucky she is strong because Carina turns to dead weight in her arms. The sob that comes from Carina is heartbreaking to hear. Truly heart wrenching.

Tears prick in Maya’s eyes as it hits her too. She hardly knew Andrew but she’s still sad about his death. “Let’s sit down.” She guides Carina back to the chairs, she doesn’t know how much longer she can hold Carina upright.

“When you’re ready, if you want, you can see him, say goodbye.” Owen says.

“Okay, thanks. I think we’ll need some time.” Maya tells him as she gets Carina to sit down.

“I’ll be out here when you’re ready.”

They sit for a while. Carina cries. She doesn’t say anything, just cries. Maya doesn’t know what to say. Eventually she asks Carina if she wants to go see Andrew. Carina nods for Maya.

“Now or do you want to wait a little longer? Get your feet under you a little better.” She’s worried Carina will just collapse on their walk to the OR.

Carina makes it there with a steadying arm from Maya around her waist. Owen lets them in.

“It’s going to be a shock to see him. They cleaned the blood from his face.” Owen folds the white sheet down to reveal Andrew’s face. He then nods at Maya and leaves the room to go stand outside to give them some privacy.

Two stools have been set out for them to sit on. Maya takes the stool further down Andrew’s body with Carina sitting on the one near his head.

Carina leans down and presses her lips to Andrew’s forehead. She doesn’t know what to think or say really. She runs her hand through his hair repeatedly.

Maya sits there with a hand on Carina’s back.

Carina leans down and sort of lays on the bed. Her arm on the bed above Andrew’s head, her head on her own arm. She starts singing in Italian to him. She sings and cries.

Maya tries to keep it together. She does a pretty good job until Carina starts singing. She tries sniffling to prevent from crying but it’s no use. She’s not sure if she’s crying because of Andrew’s death or because of how sad and broken Carina looks and sounds.

“I want to have him cremated.” Carina’s raspy voice breaks the silence that has occupied the room since the singing stopped some time ago.

“Okay.”

Carina sits up. She glances over at Maya for the first time since they’ve been in this room. “I want to take him back to Italy with me.”

This sentence alarms Maya.

They are in the middle of a pandemic, for one. Two, Carina is thinking about going back to Italy. After she said she wasn’t going anywhere. The reason she came to Seattle was because of Andrew. Maybe now that he’s gone, all that changes. There’s no reason to stick around. Maya resigns herself to that being a real possibility. “Okay.” She’ll support Carina in whatever way possible.

“We can’t have a funeral here.”

Maya thinks it’s because Carina will have one when they get back to Italy.

“He didn’t deserve this.” Carina breaks out into tears again.

“Shhh.” Maya rubs her back. “No, he didn’t.”

“What are we going to do?” Carina asks through a sniffle.

“I don’t know.” And Maya doesn’t. She has no idea. “I’ll give you some space.” She stands up. “Let you say goodbye.” She turns to leave the room.

Maya only makes it one step before she hears a very stern voice. “Don’t you dare leave this room.” Maya looks over her shoulder at Carina. And even in her cloudy, tear filled eyes she can the desperation, the need, there.

“Okay, I won’t leave.” Maya sits back down.

“You need to say goodbye too.” Carina tells her gentler, softer.

Maya hums. She thinks about it. She never really got to know Andrew that well, but she liked him. He was generally a good guy, from what Maya could understand. He was much like his sister in the fact that he had a need to help others. That need ultimately cost him his life.

“I didn’t get the opportunity to get to know you as much as any of us probably would have liked, but I’ll miss the opportunity to hear more stories about Carina from you. About you teasing her. Or the ability to hang out and just kick back and relax on a Sunday afternoon or something. I understand that you needed to help. And that was honorable and brave but maybe you should have sat that one out and let the cops handle it. I had a bad feeling and well-“ Maya sighs. She doesn’t know if this is helping any of them. She reaches out and puts a hand over the sheet that covers his torso. “I know you and Carina have a special bond. I know that is broken now. And I have a feeling it’s going to be difficult moving forward. But life goes on. And I want to make a promise to you right now-“ She looks over at Carina. Carina is just watching her with tears streaming down her face as Maya speaks. “I promise to always look after your sister. I promise to do whatever is in my power to make sure she is safe. I promise to try to be what she needs. I promise to love her with everything that I’ve got.”

“Maya.” Carina reaches over and wraps her arms around Maya’s waist, shoving her face into her stomach.

Maya’s hand moves from Andrew’s body to Carina’s shoulder. She holds Carina’s head to her stomach with her other hand. “It’s okay.” Maya whispers.

“No, it’s not.” Carina cries.

“I know. It’s not.” Maya sighs. She’s at a loss for words. She doesn’t know what to say or do to make it better.

Carina pulls herself together after a few minutes. Just enough so she can say some things. “Andrea, you have always been my baby brother.” She speaks in English so Maya can understand. “You will always be my baby brother. This doesn’t change that. I shouldn’t have let you follow that woman. I should have stopped you.” Carina takes a shaky breath. Her not doing something to stop Andrea might always be one of her biggest regrets. She already knows that. “It’s like Maya said. You should have let the cops handle it. But you needed to help. And maybe it is a family curse. But I understand it. I just wish the outcome were different. I’m going to miss you and I’m going to miss teasing you about stuff. I’m sad that this is where it ends, your life. There are so many things you didn’t get to experience yet. So, it’s not fair. Try not to worry too much about me. I’ll be okay.” She looks over at Maya. She’s not sure if she should say anything else. What else is there to say? Carina could say a thousand things and it still wouldn’t be enough.

Maya shrugs. She doesn’t know what Carina wants her to do.

“Goodbye, my brother.” Carina places a soft kiss to his forehead. She stands up and gets one final look at his face. She reaches out and finds Maya’s hand. Carina takes a deep breath. “Okay, let’s go.”

They go out into the hallway and Owen is still standing there. “We can get someone from the funeral home to come and speak with you.”

“It’s the middle of the night.” Maya reminds them.

“We can wait til morning to make any decisions then.” Owen offers. The hospital can keep the body until the funeral home has a chance to speak with Carina about what she wants to do.

“Thanks, Owen.” Carina mumbles.

“Is there anything else that we need to do?” Maya wants to take Carina home.

“No.” He shakes his head. “Not right now. As far as the hospital is concerned you just need to speak to the funeral home so we can release the body to them.”

“Got it.” Maya gives him a tight-lipped smile. “Let’s go home.” She starts guiding Carina to the exit.


They get home and Maya changes and gets ready for bed. She’s not sure how much sleep she’s going to get though. She’s more worried about Carina than anything. Carina is just sitting there on the edge of the bed.

“Hey, why don’t you get ready for bed.” Maya sits next to her.

“I don’t think I could sleep if I wanted to.”

“Okay, but at least get ready. And try. Maybe just lay down. You don’t know, maybe you’ll fall asleep.”

Carina nods. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and washes her face. She feels like a zombie. Numb. Like there’s nothing inside. Like she’s just a shell. She comes back to the bedroom and changes out of her clothes and into a t-shirt and pajama pants.

She’s not sure where Maya went. Probably out in the kitchen. Carina gets into bed and lays under the covers staring up at the ceiling. It’s not uncomfortable but lying in bed feels wrong somehow. She had the same feeling when she found out that Maya cheated on her. Like the bed was too comfortable for the horrible way that she was feeling.

Maya comes back and turns the light out. She gets into bed and snuggles up at Carina’s side. “Close your eyes. Try to get some rest.”

“I can’t. I just see his face.”

Maya doesn’t say anything. She just rubs her hand up and down Carina’s arm.


Maya fell asleep at some point. She wakes up and rubs her eyes. Carina isn’t in bed. Maya stretches and sits up and looks around the room. No sign of her. She gets dressed thinking maybe Carina went to sleep on the couch. Or just lay on the couch as to not disturb Maya in her sleep. She exits the bedroom and there she sees her. Laying on the floor in the kitchen. She stops and looks at Carina for a moment before continuing down the hall.

Maya’s got a list in her head of the things that she needs to do today. Or things that Carina needs to do. Life moves on. And Maya is great at making lists and checking things off the list. So she focuses on that.

They have to talk to the funeral home director. They have to pick up Carina’s car from the transit station. Carina has to decide if she wants to have funeral or not. Maya knows she said she wanted to take Andrew back to Italy with her but she’s not sure what that means exactly. Her brain jumped to Carina up and leaving and taking Andrew to Italy and never returning. But thinking on it more, Maya knows that’s probably not the case, it was just the way Carina worded the sentence or her grief talking. She’s not going to worry about that now. Maya’s first focus is on Carina and making sure she eats and sleeps and that she talks to the funeral director.

Those three things take priority. Everything else comes second.

The funeral director takes the ball right out of her hands when he calls Carina’s phone just after 10 am. Maya answers the phone. “Hello, Carina’s phone. This is Maya speaking.”

“Ah, hello.” The director isn’t caught off guard by this greeting at all. He often finds other people answering a call then who he is looking for. A common thing in dealing with people who are grieving. “Is Ms. DeLuca available? I got a call from the hospital about Andrew DeLuca.”

“Yes. Just a minute.” Maya takes the phone from her ear. “Carina. The funeral director is on the phone. You have to talk to him.”

Carina has moved to laying on the rug on the living room floor. She holds her hand up for the phone. Maya hands the phone over and goes back into the kitchen.

“Hello.” Carina’s voice is rough, scratchy.

“Hello, Ms. DeLuca. I’m sorry about the loss of your brother.”

“Thank you.”

“And I know it’s a difficult time, but I need your permission to take the body from the hospital and bring it to the funeral home. There is some paperwork that needs to be signed as well.”

Carina sighs. “Do I have to do it today?”

“Well, the sooner the better. Then we can start on funeral arrangements.”

“I don’t know if I want to have a funeral.” Carina says.

Maya’s ears perk up at that.

The funeral director tells her that’s fine and that she doesn’t have to decide today but that he needs to know what to do with Andrew’s body.

Carina hangs up the call. “We have to go to the funeral home.”

“Okay.” Maya comes back into the living room. “When do you want to do that?”

“Now.” Carina pushes herself into a seated position and then to her feet.

Maya nods. She waits for Carina to put shoes on and then they are out the door. “How are we getting there? We can take my car. Your car is still at the transit station.”

“Okay.”

They go to the car and Maya starts driving. Carina gave her the address. “Maybe we can stop somewhere on the way back for some breakfast.”

“It’s nearly lunchtime, Maya.” Carina snaps.

“Or lunch.” She doesn’t care what meal it is as long as she gets Carina to eat something. The pastries she bought last night at the café went untouched. Maya doesn’t even know what happened to them. She just hopes that someone ate them at the hospital and didn’t just throw them away.

Maya had peanut butter on toast for breakfast this morning but that was all. She asked Carina if she was hungry, and she just said no.

The trip to the funeral home doesn’t go as bad as Maya would have thought. The vacant stare on Carina’s face sort of scares her though. She answers all of the funeral director’s questions except the one about actually having a funeral.

“Did you want to pick something up to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“But you have to eat.”

“Soup.”

“Soup it is, my love.” Maya drives them to get soup and then back to the apartment. She gets Carina to have a little soup and then cleans up and puts the leftovers away.

Carina goes into the shower. She doesn’t want to cry anymore. She doesn’t want to sleep but she knows she needs sleep. The bed is too soft and too comfortable. So that’s not an option.

So, she sits in the corner of the shower, her knees to her chest, her head against the shower wall to see if that well help.

Maya comes in and suggests screaming but she can’t scream either. Nothing works or is helping right now. She makes Maya leave when she tells her that her hug is too soft. Carina can’t handle that right now. She can’t handle Maya hovering and wanting to hold her and touch her. She can’t.

“I want to scream. Until my throat hurts more than my head and my stomach and my chest. I just want to scream so that some of this pressure goes away.” Carina paces around the hallway outside their bedroom, waving her hand franticly in the air.

“So, scream. Do it. Let it out.”

“I can’t.”

Carina goes back into the bathroom and sits in the shower.

Maya finds the number for the funeral home. She calls the funeral director and tells him to just get Andrew’s body cremated and that they don’t plan on having a funeral or service of any kind but that if that changes, she will call him and let him know.

Next, she finds Andrew’s address in the book of addresses that Carina has made and put in a drawer in the kitchen. Because what if you lose your phone or it stops working. You need a backup, she told Maya.

She contacts the landlord and finds out about ending Andrew’s lease. She asks if it would be okay if they came over sometime to pick up his stuff. And says that she doesn’t know if they have a key to Andrew’s apartment but that she can check. The landlord tells her that if she doesn’t find a key that he’ll have to arrange someone to meet with them and let them in.

Maya remembers Carina mentioning the bank but she knows she won’t get far with that item on the list, so she skips it until she has more information. Like even what bank Andrew uses. She knows that might be something that they’ll have to do after they go over to Andrew’s apartment and look through his records.

She makes Carina a sandwich. Maya is just about done. “Carina, I made something for you to eat.”

Carina comes into the kitchen. Maya brings it over to the table. She tells Carina she did the list.

“No one’s ever done that for me.”

Maya closes the fridge a little surprised at Carina is saying. But now that Maya thinks about it who would do something like that for Carina. Not anyone from her family. Maybe a close friend but Maya doesn’t know who that would be. It’s maybe one of the saddest things Carina has ever said to her. That she hasn’t ever had anyone to support her or look out for her. The look on Carina’s face is so hard to see. She just wishes she could take all of Carina’s pain away.

Carina sits in the shower and thinks about Andrea again.

Maya comes in after a few minutes. She has Carina’s phone in her hand. “You don’t have to look at this.” There are some messages on the phone. Maya has answered a few calls from names she recognizes from the hospital but lets the rest go to voicemail. There are texts too. Maya leaves them unread so that Carina can look at them later. “I’m going to go out for a little bit. Maybe an hour. If you need anything, you call me.”

She glances over at Maya but doesn’t move any other body parts.

“Okay.” Maya sets the phone down on the shower floor. “I’ll be back.”

Maya goes out. She’s got her running shoes. She runs. She runs down to the transit station that Carina’s car is parked at.

She unlocks the door and gets in. The run refreshing her a little. Maya drives the car back to the apartment, stopping at the store on the way to pick up some groceries since they’ll be at home for a week.

Maya puts the groceries away, giving Carina some space. The problem is she still has all this anxious energy. Maya pulls her shirt over her head and starts with pushups.

Carina comes out, showered. They talk about guilty and blame. But Carina starts to cry, and she doesn’t want to cry again. She wants to be done crying.

“Too soft.” Maya says with a pained look on her face.

Carina is thankful that Maya gets it. Thankful that Maya gets up and walks away. Thankful because she doesn’t know how long she can keep her temper on the short leash that it is currently on. The lack of sleep and the crying and the constant thoughts that are running through her brain have made her exhausted and irritable.

She sits there, on the edge of the couch. She hears Maya start on something for dinner. Carina wants to cry again. But this time because Maya is being so wonderful. She’s doing things that Carina hasn’t asked her to do, wouldn’t ask her to do. She’s cooking meals, and making sure she eats, even if it’s just a little bit. Maya didn’t say anything, but Carina knows she went to go get her car. So, she gets up and goes to sit at the island in the kitchen and watch Maya cook.

Neither of them say anything but when Maya turns around and sees Carina sitting there she gives her a soft smile. She recognizes what Maya is cooking just by the ingredients and what she’s doing. Onions, garlic, tomatoes, wine, basil, black pepper. She’s making homemade pasta sauce.

The water is in one pot on the back of the stove. Maya has the burner on waiting for it to come to a boil before adding the linguine noodles she wants to pair with the pasta sauce. It hurts not to be able to touch, or hold, or comfort Carina right now. She understands it, but that doesn’t make her hurt any less. Maya is just hoping that by cooking something that is somewhat easy, and she knows how to do without messing up, and that is Italian, that it will be of some small comfort to Carina.

She gets all the ingredients into a sauce pan and heats them up. The water starts to boil, and she adds the noodles. She should have thought of baking some bread but it’s too late for that now. The bread wouldn’t be done in time.

“Maya.”

She hears Carina’s voice just as she’s getting the noodles into the pot.

“Yeah?” She turns around to face her girlfriend. Carina sits there, her arms wrapped protectively around her stomach, her lip trembling, tears in her eyes. And it hurts to see her like that.

“I- I love you.” Carina stutters out.

Maya moves. She goes to Carina’s side and presses a kiss to the side of her head. “I love you too.” They share a look where Carina says thank you and Maya says you’re welcome before Maya moves back over to the stove. She stirs the pasta sauce and then the noodles to make sure nothing is sticking or burning. “Now, it’s probably not as good as yours. Or it probably doesn’t taste as Italian as yours but I tried my best.”

Maya gets out the strainer and puts it in the sink. She gets plates and forks and knifes and puts them on the counter. She thinks about asking Carina if she wants some wine. It’s opened and sitting right there on the counter. Maybe it will help her sleep. But Maya shakes her head. Water is better. Especially if Carina is dehydrated from crying. She gets out two glasses and fills them with water. She grabs them and turns around. “Where do you want to eat? Here? Or at the table?”

Carina doesn’t want to move. For some reason the kitchen feels like the safest, most comfortable place. It’s not too soft but at the same time reminds her of all the things she loves. The best of Italy, of her brother, of the day they had him over for dinner. It reminds her of Maya. Maya is literally standing right there cooking her an Italian meal in the kitchen that they now share, where the chalkboard on the wall says Home Is Whenever I’m With You. She feels like she needs to stay where she is.

“Here.” Carina clears her throat. She doesn’t explain why, and she hopes that Maya doesn’t ask.

“Okay.” Maya sets the glass down. One in front of Carina and the other opposite here. “I think it’s almost ready. So just a few more minutes.” She turns back to the stove. Maya stirs the pasta sauce and then brings the spoon to her lips to taste test. She hums, not sure if it’s quite right. “Can you try this?” She carries the spoon across the kitchen with a hand underneath it to catch any drips. “Is it okay?” She holds the spoon out for Carina.

Carina wraps her lips around the tip of the spoon, pulling some sauce into her mouth. It’s good. She hums. “Add a pinch of salt.”

Maya goes back to the stove and adds some salt, stirring it in. She feels like she needs to talk, to say something. “I went to the store earlier. Since we’re going to be home all week.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Maya turns and narrows her eyes at Carina, confused as to why Carina would think she didn’t have to go get groceries for their household. “We need to eat. I don’t want to starve.”

Carina smirks a little. It’s the first time Maya has seen anything other than sadness and despair on her face since she found Carina kneeling over Andrew on the floor of the train station. Just a little curl upwards of one side of her lips.

“I meant you didn’t need to take a whole week off of work.”

Maya hums. “Oh.” She turns back to the stove. “Well, I wanted to. I think I might have said this one time-“ She knows she definitely told Carina this. “-that you are more important to me than my job.” She stirs the linguine noodles and picks one out to see if they are done. “Plus, I never take vacation or time off.” Maya chuckles a little. “Maybe one day this week, if you’re feel up for it, we can go to the park. The one where we’ve watched the sun set.”

“I would like that.”

“Good. I know it sucks with Covid and everything. We can’t even have a proper funeral for Andrew. We can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to places that aren’t restaurant or cafes or whatever. Not that we would be going anywhere fun this week. I just- you know- it doesn’t help. It makes this- Andrew’s death that much harder. We should be able to have a funeral and have everyone from the hospital that he knew there. We should be able to have family fly in from Italy to be here for the funeral. We should be able to do those things, but we can’t.”

Maya doesn’t even realize she’s doing it, but Carina sure does. We- we- we- we.

And every time Maya uses the word we Carina’s heart heals back together just a little bit. She lets Maya keep talking though. She knows Maya is rambling because she’s anxious and doesn’t know what else to do. And she loves Maya for it.

“It’s not fair. But maybe after Covid is over we can do something. I don’t know, what do you want to do. I know you decided that there wasn’t going to be a funeral. Did you get that text from Chief Bailey?” Maya looks over her shoulder. “About the memorial for Andrew.” Maya only knows because Ben text her about it too. “Ben text me to make sure you got the message. I guess it’s the day after tomorrow. In the evening, in the parking lot. You will go, right?” Maya turns around to look at Carina for the first time since she started talking. Carina hasn’t said anything.

“Carina?” Maya catches Carina’s eyes. She has her brow furrowed, like she’s in deep thought.

“Yeah, I’ll go.”

“Okay, Ben offered to drive us there. Should I tell him we’ll take him up on the offer?”

“Sure.”

“Great. Dinner’s ready.” Maya removes the noodles from the stove and drains them. She turns the sauce off from its simmer. The linguine noodles go on the plates and Maya spreads some sauce over them before bringing them over to Carina. “Buon appetito.” She sits down across from Carina.

The rest of the evening is quiet. Carina doesn’t sleep in the bed with Maya. Maya doesn’t sleep well and gets up every few hours to check on Carina. She finds her in the kitchen. Sitting at the island, with her laptop in front of her, listening to music, or watching a movie. But Maya doesn’t think she’s really actually paying attention. She would be more worried about Carina if she wasn’t eating, if she wasn’t communicating at all. But she is, so she doesn’t worry too much. Maya knows that everyone goes through death and the grieving process differently. There are many different forms of grief. Sometimes even within the same person. She knows Carina wants space and doesn’t want to be too soft, so she just leaves her be with the hopes that she’ll make it through this process. She knows there’s many steps to go through. Carina’s done the shock, denial and anger, and bargaining. All rather quickly. But life comes at you quickly.

Carina just wants her brain to shut off. For the constant thoughts to stop. The only way that she’s gotten them to stop is to drown them out with music. Or her favorite movies, ones that she can get lost in. So she sits and tries to lose herself in those things. She can see Maya sometimes out of the corner of her eye. Or even just feel her lingering.

Chapter 28

Notes:

so i'm posting today because i have to split this next chapter into two. (it was 6400 words all together lol). So first part today. second part on monday.

Still grieving, and then screaming, and then sleep and breakfast.

the comments and kudos are always fun to see. Thanks.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

In the morning, Carina calls her father.

“If you do it first thing in the morning then you don’t have to dread doing it all day. It’s done with. No matter the outcoming.” Maya had told her.

So, she calls.

“He heard.”

“What?” Maya is gob smacked.

“He heard that Andrea died two days ago and he didn’t call me.”

Maya’s mouth hangs open at the news. She hasn’t liked much of what she’s heard about Carina’s dad so far but this. This makes her absolutely hate his guts right now. How can you not have any contact with one of your children after your other child dies? Even you are aren’t close to them. Even if you are in different countries. Even just to call and say ‘hey I heard about this’ or some form of acknowledgement.

Carina walks away from Maya. She’s not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that he already knew. On one hand, Carina didn’t have to deal with his emotions after she told him that Andrea died. He already knew and he already processed his emotions about it and wasn’t able to take them out on Carina over the phone. On the other hand, she thought maybe they could bond over their shared grief. She could lean on him over the phone, so to speak. That didn’t happen either.

Carina doesn’t know how to feel about what just happened. She tries not to linger on it. It’s just something else that she has to pile onto top of her already huge pile of issues that she has to deal with. She sits at the kitchen island and goes back to watching video on her laptop.

Maya busies herself with cleaning. She cleans the bedroom, does the laundry, washes every surface in the bathroom, moves everything out of the cupboards in the kitchen and cleans inside them thoroughly. Carina watches her do that one. Once she’s done in the apartment she goes out and cleans her car out. Not that there’s really anything in there but she brings her mini Shopvac out and vacuums out every inch of the car. Then she goes to Carina’s car.

She opens the door to the back seat and sees it. Maya is surprised she didn’t see it when she drove the car home from the train station. She stands there and stares for a moment. Thinking of what to do.

Andrew’s motorcycle helmet stares back at her.

“Shit.” She mumbles and doubles over, leaning against the roof of the car with her forearm, as a wave of sadness hits her.

Maya realizes this means there’s something she forgot to do. Something that wasn’t on the list. Something that Carina didn’t think about. Andrew’s motorcycle. Maya assumes it’s still in the parking lot at the hospital.

She sits down in the back seat next to the helmet and thinks for a few minutes. She needs a plan. Maya doesn’t want to upset Carina by bringing it up. She doesn’t want Carina to have to deal with this too. She doesn’t want to add another thing to Carina pile of crap she has to deal with.

So, Maya gets her phone out and looks up storage unit places. She knows where one is not too far from where they live but that’s not an option because it’s the one where Captain Herrera died. So, she looks at ones farther away from here. If she has to drive farther, so be it.

She finds the number and calls. She rents a unit with the promise that she will come down sometime today and sign the paperwork and go through the checklist and inspection of the unit. She calls a tow truck company next. She’s got a few that she knows through the station that are reliable and sets up a time this afternoon to meet them at the hospital.

Maya just has to figure out what to do with the helmet. She wants to put it in the closet in the spare bedroom. It’s getting it into the apartment that might be the problem. She’d wait until Carina is asleep and do it then, but Carina hasn’t really slept in days. Maybe she can get inside without Carina noticing. The woman is off in her own little world most of the time right now.

Maya grabs the helmet and the vacuum and heads back inside. She pops the door open and looks inside. She doesn’t see Carina, so she hurries in and goes straight to the spare bedroom, putting the helmet in the closet.

She finds Carina in the bathroom. She’s sitting on the toilet reading something. “Whatcha reading?” She asks.

“Are you done cleaning? I didn’t want to be in your way.”

“I’m done. You can come out of here, if you’d like.” Maya would really like for Carina not to isolate herself. She knows she can’t say anything about it because Carina is grieving but it so sad to see her keep to herself and not allow Maya to touch her or hold her or anything.

Carina nods, closing her book. She didn’t really read anything. She just read the same paragraph over and over, not processing the words, not understanding them. Her brain not letting her rest.

She yawns.

“You need to sleep, love.” Maya tells her. She reaches out to run her palm over Carina’s head, but Carina moves out of her reach.

“I can’t sleep. I’ve tired. My brain won’t shut up.”

Maya wrinkles up her face. She hates that Carina won’t let her touch her, comfort her. Carina who always wants touch, needs touch. Until now. She needs to find something to do that will let Carina rest. “I have to run out for a little bit. Some errands and I have to stop by the station quickly, pick up some paperwork.”

“Okay.” Carina says quietly.

She wishes she could get more out of Carina than short sentences. “I love you.” She doesn’t know if that helps Carina any.

Carina looks over at the blonde and locks eyes with her. It’s like she’s just remembering that. Love. How can she love when everything is so wrong, everything hurts and is broken? It’s such a contradictory thought, feeling. “I love you, Maya.” She mumbles out the words anyway, not really feeling them, meaning them.

Maya smiles and steps out of the bathroom, holding her sigh of frustration inside. She grabs her car keys. The first stop she has to make is at the fire station before she meets the tow truck at the hospital and then goes with him to the storage unit that she just rented. She sighs, now that she’s out of the apartment, as it’s turning into an expensive day real quick. She doesn’t have to worry about money usually but renting and insuring a storage unit for six months and then having a tow truck pick up, move, and drop off a motorcycle on a flatbed truck is going to put a dent in her bank account.

She pulls into the station parking lot and parks her car. She would have walked if she didn’t have other stops to make. Maya goes inside, says hi to Cutler at the reception desk and goes into her office. The paper she needs isn’t hard to find. She grabs that and looks over the latest files on her desk. The newest calls that they’ve had.

A Crew is off duty today so Andy isn’t around so she can’t ask her about it. Maya exits her office, knowing she doesn’t have a lot of time. She goes through into the barn. The ambulance is gone but the engine and ladder truck are there. She walks around them before standing back at the front and looking up at the trucks. That’s when it hits her. She knows what to do. Maya hurries out of the station with a pleased smile on her face.


“Will you come with me somewhere?”

“Not if you’re being all secretive and mysterious.” Carina retorts.

Maya huffs. “Fine. Will you come to the station with me?”

Carina sort of stares at Maya. “Fine.”

They drive down to the station. Carina looks out the window the whole time, not saying anything. She doesn’t like whatever Maya has planned. She’s not up for a field trip. She doesn’t want to have to interact with people. So, she’s really not having it but she’ll humor Maya because she knows Maya is worried about her.

“I thought you were already here today.” Carina says as she eyes the building.

“I was.”

It’s dark out. Maya knows that there’s a shot that the engine won’t be there, but she hopes it is or her plan won’t pan out. She waited for the cover of darkness, so she had less eyes on her, them. She knows D crew is in the building somewhere but hopes they leave them alone.

Maya gets out and goes around to open Carina’s door and help her out of the car. Maya holds out her hand for Carina.

The Italian glances at Maya’s hand before looking up to find her eyes. “I’ll just stay in the car. You can go in and do- whatever it is you need to do.” She looks away from Maya, out the front windshield of the car. “I’m not in the mood to see people or talk to anyone.”

Maya frowns. She had an idea this would be the case. She licks her lips before braving the question. “Do you trust me?” She keeps her hand held out towards Carina.

Carina’s head snaps over to Maya again. “Maya.” She sighs, wondering if Maya is really questioning that right now. Carina thought they were past the whole trust thing. “I trust you. I do.”

The blonde smiles, tight-lipped. She knew they were still working on getting that trust back. Maya felt like Carina mostly trusted her again, that things could truly being forgiven. “When I asked you to move in with me, I said I wanted to do everything. For real. Everything with you. That means the good and bad. Even now. Even this. So, if you trust me, take me hand. My intention is not for you to have to talk to or see anyone inside the station. I wouldn’t make you do that right now. Just me and you.”

Carina chews on her lip. She doesn’t want to cry anymore. But this time she feels like crying not because of Andrea but because of her wonderful, amazing girlfriend. Carina grabs her mask in one hand, the other finding Maya’s hand.

She let’s Maya pull her from the car, shut the door, and lead her into the fire station. No one seems to be around. Carina wonders if Maya planned it that way. They go in by the trucks. The ladder truck is gone so Carina thinks maybe the crew is out on a call.

She doesn’t understand what Maya is doing or why they need to go by the engine.

“What are we doing?” Carina asks but allows Maya to tug her along.

Maya turns to her but doesn’t say anything. They keep walking. Maya goes to the engine door and pulls it open.

Carina thinks she knows what Maya is doing. She’s not a little kid. She doesn’t need to see the fire truck to cheer her up. That’s not going to cheer her up anyway. She doesn’t need to sit in the seat and play pretend. She doesn’t need to go for a fire truck ride. Not that she thinks Maya would go that far.

She has to say something when Maya steps up into the truck. She pulls her mask off to make sure Maya hears her. “Okay, Maya, I’m not a child I don’t need a fire truck ride to feel-“

Maya turns on the sirens.

“MAYA.” She covers her ears.

Maya steps down from the truck and turns to her in one fluid motion.

“Scream.”

“What?”

“Scream.”

This is the cover that Maya thinks Carina might need to be able to scream, to be able to let that emotion out. To final get that pressure off her chest so she can feel like she can breathe again. So she can sleep.

“I can’t.” Carina starts to back away from Maya.

“Do it.”

Maya pleads in frustration. Carina needs to let that anger and sadness and guilt and just everything out. If she doesn’t Maya doesn’t know what’s bound to happen.

“No. I can’t-“

As soon as Maya hears the word No she lets out all her anger and sadness and frustration in a guttural, chest burning scream.

Carina stares at Maya. She can’t believe her right now. It’s ridiculous. Maya screams at her. A loud, painful scream. She has to turn away.

“Come on. Do it.” Maya screams again as Carina walks away from her.

She’s determined to not give up on this just yet. At the very least, Maya is able to let out some of her own pent up emotions. She screams until her lungs are burning from lack of air, until her throat is raw with pain. Long and loud until she can’t anymore.

Carina turns around and lets it out. Bending at the waist to expel a loud scream. Hands clenched in fists. She’s crying and she walks back towards Maya.

Finally, Maya thinks as Carina screams and screams some more. Maya joins in with her. Both screaming at the top of their lungs. Carina turns away again and Maya takes a deep breath. She sees Carina screaming, she can see the pain, she can feel it. She screams with her, in solidarity, until Carina is pounding her fist on the side of engine. Maya doesn’t even care right now. She’ll make sure somebody polishes it in the morning.

She holds out one arm when Carina turns back to her. She knows Carina doesn’t want to be touched, or held, because it’s been too much for her. Too soft. But maybe now after this release she can let Maya in again. That hopeful arm catches Carina as she falls into Maya’s embrace. Maya wraps her arms around Carina’s waist and holds her tight. Carina leans into Maya, reaching around her shoulders, finally letting herself be held.

Maya rocks them back and forth in the spot for a good minute. Now that they aren’t screaming the siren becomes obnoxious.

“Let me turn that off.” Maya talks into Carina’s ear. She tries to let go of Carina, but Carina holds onto her tight.

“Okay.” Maya rubs her hands up and down Carina’s back as she cries onto her shoulder.

Out of the corner of her eye, Maya sees someone up on the skywalk above them. She gives them a wave to say that she’s got this handled and that they don’t need to worry. She’s not sure who it is. It’s night so not all the lights are on.

“Carina. I need to-“

Carina releases her. Maya leans back in and shuts the siren off. “There.” She shuts the door and turns back to Carina. The woman wipes at her tear stained cheeks. “How do you feel?”

“Thank you.” Carina sighs, tired.

“You don’t have to thank me, babe.” Maya finds both of Carina’s hands. “I came down her earlier and had this idea. I thought it might help, work. And it did. How do you feel?”

Carina takes a deep breath, assessing. “Like garbage.” She smiles a little. Something has been released though with the screaming so there’s a bit of a sense of, maybe not peace, but something close to that. Relief, maybe.

Maya grins. “Let’s go home.” She hopes Carina will be able to sleep now. Or at the very least, be able to let go of that ball of emotions that was trapped. It’s been released now. Maya will come down here with Carina everyday if she has to and they will scream with the sirens just to get that release.


Maya wakes up the next morning to the feel of Carina, in bed, spooning her from behind. She smiles into the pillow knowing that everything would be okay again one day, maybe not today, but one day. She was relieved to see Carina sleeping, in bed, last night when she brought tea in for her. A heaviness lifted from her shoulders at the sight.

She slips out of bed, letting Carina sleep while she goes out and starts coffee and breakfast. The blonde is anxious to see what kind of mood Carina will be in today. She wants to know if the screaming and subsequent sleep helped any or if they are going to be stuck in the same pattern that they were in before.

Maya is working on waffles and scrambled eggs when Carina comes out and wraps her arms around Maya from behind. Carina leans into her, nuzzling her face against the back of Maya’s shoulder. “Smells good.” She whispers, sleep still in her voice.

“Are you hungry?” Maya asks.

Carina hums. “Maybe a little.”

“Okay.” Maya wants to ask how Carina slept but doesn’t.

Carina starts pressing kisses to Maya’s shoulder, working her way to her neck, placing just one kiss there before her lips are on Maya’s cheek.

“How do you feel?” Maya asks.

“Tired. Sad. But better. Not as suffocated as the last couple days. Sleep helped. You helped. The fire truck, the sirens. You’re a genius.” She squeezes Maya and breathes her in. A big deep breath full of everything that is Maya.

“I don’t know about that. But I’m glad it helped.”

“I feel like I can breathe again. Like everything isn’t just sitting on my chest. That pressure is gone. It still hurts. It’s still sad but-“ Carina trails off. She’s super grateful that Maya stuck around. That Maya didn’t just go on the call that Warren had to go on. That Maya basically dropped everything for her. To take care of her. Carina has never had someone who cared as much as Maya or who was willing to drop everything to take care of her. She doesn’t know what she would do without Maya right now. She’d probably just be a shriveled up ball on the floor, too traumatized to move or do anything. She knows Maya’s attention and care and space and love has gotten her through the worst part of all of this. She knows it’s not going to be easy moving forward, but the worst might be over.

“The waffles and coffee are ready. I’m just finishing the eggs.”

“Il mio preferito, uova, strapazzate. Sei fantastico.” (My favorite, eggs, scrambled. You are amazing.)

Carina steps to Maya’s side and starts plating the waffles. “Come sono stato così fortunato?” (How did I get so lucky?)

“Though, you need to work on your Italian dishes. Maya, every time you make breakfast. It might be my new favorite thing. Even if it’s Americano breakfast. È sempre incredibile.” (It’s always incredible.)

Maya grins. “I am pretty good at breakfast foods. Mostly cuz they are easy, but nothing is better than your French toast.” She leans over with a pinch of eggs between her thumb and index finger, holding it out in front of Carina’s lips. “You’ll have to show me how to make French toast some time.”

Carina grins and wraps her lips around Maya’s fingers (and the eggs). She hums. “Si. Bene. Add a little salt and pepper e sarà perfetto.”

Maya is kind of enjoying all the Italian coming out of the Italian this morning. She’s curious as to why it’s so much though. She briefly wonders if it has something to do with Andrew.

Notes:

next chapter is them going to andrews apartment to sort some things out there and then going to the memorial service. the chapter after that Gabriella shows up.

Chapter 29

Notes:

I'm posting this a few hours earlier than i said i would. lol

-they go to Andrews apartment, I tried to add a little humor in here so it’s not all sad.
-a shower
-the memorial service

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Ready to go?”

Carina finishes tying her left shoe. “Yeah.” She stands up. Maya holds her hand out and Carina steps to her side, taking Maya’s hand in her own.

Maya lifts their interlocked fingers and kisses the back of Carina’s hand. “If at any point this is too difficult you need to tell me.”

Carina nods.

“I need to hear you say it.” Maya half smiles.

Carina licks her lips. “I promise, Maya. If it’s too much I’ll stop or I’ll tell you.”

“Okay. Let’s go.” Maya opens their apartment door.

They drive over. Maya has never been to Andrew’s place. She doesn’t know what to expect. A bachelor pad, maybe. A mess everywhere, perhaps.

She unlocks the door. Carina is wrapped around her from behind. She pushes the door open and steps into the room. She reaches to her right and flicks the light switch. It’s clean, clear. There’s hardly any clutter. The only thing that seems out of place is the tv remote laying at an angle on the middle couch cushion.

“What do we need to do?” Maya asks.

“Find his important information. I’m sure it’s in a safe or something.”

Maya hopes it’s not because then they need to find a key or know a combination. “Okay.” She takes another step but Carina clings to her. “Are you alright?”

“Y-yeah.” Carina stutters.

Maya is able to spin around. “Hey.” She takes Carina’s elbows in her hands. “Look at me.” Carina finally pulls her eyes up from the floor. “You can do this. I need your help.” Maya smiles. She knows Carina will respond to that. Carina always wants to help someone even if it’s at a detriment to herself. Maya is going to use that to her advantage right now. Not that she wants Carina to cause herself any harm or damage. She just wants Carina to know that she needs her.

Carina looks around the room. It’s a little unnerving being in Andrea’s apartment but she’s been her before so it’s somewhat familiar so that tamps down on the anxiety of it all.

Maya takes a deep breath. Slowly breathing in and then releasing it. Carina copies her on instinct, and it makes the blonde smile. “We need to find bank account information. Cell phone info. Passwords. Something. Something that can give us a start. A birth certificate. Social security card. Is he a US citizen?”

“Si.”

“So, yeah. Social security card. That’s important. You have his driver’s license?”

“Si.” Carina nods.

“Okay.” Maya takes a step backwards. And Carina takes a step forward. When Maya sees her moving, she lets go of Carina’s elbows and turns away from her. She starts opening all the drawers in the kitchen looking for anything that might be important.

It’s a small one bedroom apartment, so there’s really not a lot of area to cover. Carina walks into the living room portion of the room. It’s an open floor plan where only a little half wall separates the kitchen and living room. She goes over to the bookshelf. Her finger running over all the bindings on the books. She stops on the last one. A photo album, not a book. Carina pulls it from the bookshelf and tucks it under her arm. She goes over to the little table that sits at the end of the couch. She pulls open the drawer and finds take out menus in there. Carina laughs.

Maya’s head snaps around at the sound. She can’t believe she’s hearing Carina’s laugh right now. “What?”

Carina lifts them from the drawer to show Maya. “Take out menus. In the table, next to the couch.”

Maya smirks and shakes her head. “I’m gonna go in here.” She points at the bedroom. The fire captain really hopes she doesn’t find anything crazy in Andrew’s bedroom.

She goes into people’s homes all the time. Maya’s seen just about everything in her time as a firefighter, so not much surprises her. Whether it’s gross and dirty, beer bottles and cans, cat and dog shit covering the floor, dirty laundry laying everything, piles of trash. She’s seen it all, but there’s something different about seeing the private space of someone you know.

Maya pushes the door open slowly. There is a pile of dirty blue scrubs at the foot of the bed, but that’s about it. She goes to the nightstand and looks over the items on the top. Two books. A half glass of water. A bottle of pills. It’s a reminder that this place was lived in. That someone was here with the intention of coming back.

She sits on the bed, trying to get that thought out of her head. Maya breaths out a shaky breath and pulls the little drawer on the nightstand open. Inside, she finds a three full sized Milky Way candy bars and a handful of condoms. It’s her turn to laugh.

“What?” Carina is standing in the doorframe now.

“Look.” Maya points into the drawer. She’s not going to pick up the items like Carina did with the menus.

Carina comes into the room and looks. “Dio mio.” She shakes her head.

It’s hard being in her brother’s room. It smells like him, for one. And two, the items in and on the nightstand explain Andrew down to a T.

“You want under the bed or the closet?”

Maya’s question and focus distracts her though. “Under the bed. I just hope I don’t find any used condoms under there.” Carina jokes.

Maya stands up and wraps Carina up in the hug. “Can we stop thinking about your brother having sex?”

Carina slips her hand up to the back of Maya’s skull. She turns her head and presses a kiss to Maya’s temple. “I’m not thinking about it, you are.” She whispers.

“Sure.” Maya rolls her eyes. She pulls back and gets a look at Carina. She seems to be holding it together pretty well. Maya wonders if there will be repercussions later from this visit though. “Do you know if he was seeing anyone?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. He wanted to focus on himself for a while and just being stable and getting his footing back at work. My guess is those condoms are months and months old.”

“Should we do something with them?” Maya grimaces as soon as the words come out of her mouth.

Carina gives Maya the most puzzling look. “What would we do with condoms?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Can you forget I said anything?” She rubs a hand over her face in embarrassment. “I just- if it were me, I don’t think I would want someone coming in and finding my condoms.”

Carina’s puzzled look towards Maya gets even more puzzling, if that’s possible. “Maya, I-“ She doesn’t even know what to say.

“I’m gonna stop talking. Just look under the bed. I’ll look in the closet.” She watches Carina squat down before getting on her knees to look under the bed.

Maya goes over to the closet and pulls the door open. A bunch of dress shirts, and pants stare back at her. Maya looks up at the shelf above the clothes. She spots a box on the shelf. She reaches up to grab it but it’s just out of her reach. Maya jumps and tries to grab it, but she ends up pushing it further back on the shelf. She jumps again. This time with a little grunt as she stretches to reach the box.

Carina comes up behind her and puts a hand on the small of Maya’s back. Maya steps to the side. Carina reaches up, standing on the tip-toes and gets the box in her hand.

“Show off.” Maya mumbles.

“I’m not that much taller than you, bambina. Don’t get all turned out of shape about it.” Carina kisses her cheek.

Maya just grins at Carina little an idiot.

That is until Carina shoves the box into Maya’s stomach with a smirk. She saw Maya looking at her with those lovesick puppy dog eyes.

Maya grunts but doesn’t say anything. She wraps her hands around the box and Carina lifts the lid.

“Bingo.” Maya whispers.

“This is what we need.” Carina says.

“I just said that.” Maya looks up from the box.

Carina shakes her head. “No, you didn’t. You said bingo.”

“Well, that’s what I meant. That’s what bingo means.” Maya takes a step away from Carina, shifting the box to one arm and flipping through its contents with her other hand. “This is everything. We can go now.” She thinks the quicker they get out of here the better.

“Maya.” Carina’s lower lip starts to quiver at the thought of leaving. There has been something soothing about being in the place where Andrea spent his spare time. Carina didn’t think it would be that way at first. She was terrified to come here; but Maya said she should come so she didn’t have any regrets of not coming. But now that she’s here she doesn’t want to leave. If she leaves, if they close the front door, that’s it. He’s gone.

Her eyes fill with tears, her legs are shaky.

Maya sees it all happen. She throws the box on the bed and catches Carina a second before she crumbles to the floor. She wraps her arms around her waist and gently lowers Carina to the floor. “You’re alright. You’re going to be alright. I’ve got you.”

Carina turns in Maya’s arms, fisting her shirt in her hands, sobbing into her shirt. “He’s gone.” She sobs.

Maya closes her eyes and clenches her jaw. “Yeah. He’s gone.” She whispers shakily. She rubs her one hand up and down Carina’s back the other remains holding her around the waist.

She doesn’t know how long they sit on the floor. Maybe thirty minutes. Carina stopped crying a long time ago. She hasn’t said anything since though. Maya doesn’t rush her, but they can’t sit here all day. “Do you think you can stand?”

Carina nods against her chest.

“Okay. I’m going to stand up first. You stay here.” Maya gets to her feet and holds out her hands. She waits until Carina puts her hands in her own before pulling Carina to her feet. “Good?” Maya raises an eyebrow.

Carina nods again.

“Okay.” It makes Maya a little nervous that Carina hasn’t said anything. “Let’s go home.”

Carina shakes her head.

“We have to, baby.” Maya wants to roll her eyes at herself. Baby? She doesn’t say that. But it’s trivial right now. “Here.” She lifts her arms. “Wrap your arms around me. Hold on tight.”

Thankfully, Carina does as she asks. Maya turns and grabs the box and slowly starts to make her way out of the bedroom. As they pass the couch, Maya grabs the photo album that was resting on the arm of the couch and tucks that under her arm along with the box.

They make it to the door before another heartbreaking sob escapes Carina. She grips onto Maya tighter as Maya shuts the door. Maya shuffles them out of the building and into the car.

Back at their apartment, Maya gets her a glass of water as Carina goes into their bedroom and crawls into bed. She ends up sleeping the entire afternoon.

And Maya lets her. She goes through the box and sorts through the information. The photo album sits on the other end of the table. She wants to look at it but knows she should wait for Carina. Maybe they can look at it in few weeks when some of the pain fades and Carina can talk about all the pictures and share stories about Andrew with her. At least, that’s Maya’s hope.


Ben is picking them up at six. The memorial is to start at seven.

Maya woke Carina up at four-thirty after she heated up some soup, thinking that Carina probably wasn’t going to be hungry. But knowing that she had to eat something to keep up her strength; knowing that soup will likely be the easiest to get down right now.

Maya feels it too. She has no appetite. She’s not hungry at all. Today was hard. And tonight, is going to be hard. She knows. Maybe it’s the anxiety of tonight that keeps Maya’s appetite at bay. She’s worried about all the people. Carina’s grief, and some of Maya’s own, has only been dealt with in private. The way it should be, Maya thinks. But tonight, they are going to be surrounded by Andrew’s colleagues and friends. It almost puts an unfair pressure on Carina to act a certain way, to present herself in a certain way. Maya isn’t going to bring it up though. She doesn’t even know if Carina has thought about it. Probably not. She’s got too much else going on to think about her hospital co-workers and what they might think of her grief or her grieving process.

She gets Carina to eat a little and then suggests they take a shower, together.

“Maya, that’s not appropriate.” Carina scolds her lightly.

Maya smiles. “Not like that, silly. Let me wash your hair. Let me take care of you.”

Carina closes her eyes. “Maya.” She sighs.

“I know. Come on.” She tugs on Carina’s hand getting her into the bathroom. She pulls Carina’s sweatshirt over her head as Carina lifts her arms. She lets Carina unbutton her pants and pull them down her legs herself, Maya getting undressed herself in those moments. She starts the water and waits a second before stepping into the shower. “Carina.” She holds her hand out.

Carina takes a deep breath and puts her hand in Maya’s and steps into the shower. The warm water cascading over her head. Maya swipes her wet hair back away from her face before wrapping her arms around Carina’s waist.

Maya sways them back and forth lightly. “I love you.” She whispers before pressing her lips to Carina’s collarbone.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulder. “I love you, bambina.” She actually feels it this time.

“Good. Let’s get you clean.” Maya rubs her hands up and down Carina’s sides.

That gets a little giggle out of Carina.

As promised, Maya washes Carina’s hair, and then uses a washcloth to wash the rest of her body.

“What about you?” Carina asks when Maya is finished.

“Don’t worry about me. I got me.” Maya squirts a little bit of conditioner into her palm. “Turn.” She instructs and when Carina turns, she rubs the conditioner into the long dark tendrils of hair. She knows it’s not appropriate timing, but she can’t hold her thoughts in as she looks over Carina. “You’re so beautiful.” Even when Carina is sad and in pain, Maya can still see how absolutely beautiful she is.

“Maya, stop.”

“Sorry.”

Carina turns around, putting her hand on Maya’s throat, staring at her. Part of Carina wants to just dive in and kiss Maya senseless. Something about trying to push the pain away. She’s done that before. With Maya. And she doesn’t want to use Maya like that again. She doesn’t want to use sex with Maya to try to forget about Andrea or her problems. Not this time. Not ever again. Maya means more to her than that.

“Carina?” Maya isn’t sure what the look in Carina’s eyes means. She’s still trying to learn them all, but Andrew’s death has thrown a whole bunch of new looks in Maya’s direction in a short amount of time. “Are you-“

“I’m okay. Stop asking me that.” Carina huffs angrily and gets out of the shower.

Maya stands there with her mouth hanging open. “O-kay.” She tries not to dwell on the anger that Carina just threw at her and focus on showering herself and then getting dressed for the memorial service.


Carina finds Maya’s hand in the darkness as Ben drives them to the hospital. She needs to apologize. They are both sitting in the back seat. Though, Maya is keeping her distance now. She’s all the way on the other side of the car, pressed up against the opposite door.

Maya glances over at Carina. She thinks about pulling her hand out of Carina’s but knows it would be seen as unnecessarily cruel by Carina. She knows Carina didn’t mean to get angry with her. She knows Carina is just frustrated and grieving. And she also knows Carina is trying to make amends right now.

Maya squeezes Carina’s hand. She can see the tiny hint of a smile it brings to Carina’s face.

“I’m sorry.” Carina whispers.

“I know.” Maya gives her a small nod.

Ben pretends like he doesn’t hear them right behind him.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I’m just tired, and overwhelmed, and everything feels so raw and like it’s too much most of the time.”

“Come here.” Maya lets go of Carina’s hand so she can hold her arm open.

Carina undoes her seat belt and slides over to the middle seat, buckling in there, sitting next to Maya. Maya wraps her arm around Carina. She presses a kiss to the side of her head. “Don’t worry about it. Thank you for apologizing. You are very much forgiven. I know you didn’t mean it. I know you are grieving.”

“Ti amo, Maya Bishop.”

Maya hums. “I love you too.”

“We’re pulling up now, ladies.” Ben informs them.

Carina straightens up, running a hand over the front of her shirt. Have to look presentable in front of all these people. She takes a deep breath as the car comes to a stop.

Maya finds Carina’s wrist quickly, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You’ve got this.” She whispers.

Carina nods.

They get out of the car.

After the memorial service. They go home in silence. Maya turns the lights on after she unlocks the door. Carina follows her into the apartment. They don’t say anything while they undress and get ready for bed.

There’s a weird feeling in the air. Maya doesn’t want to bring it up, but she can feel it. With one look at Carina, she knows Carina feels it too. With the memorial service over, it’s done. That’s the weird vibe, feeling. Maya wonders what’s next. She’s never had to bury a family member before. It’s uncharted territory for her. She knows there’s no playbook for this kind of thing, but it would be helpful right now. She wants to ask Carina all sorts of questions, but she knows she shouldn’t. She knows it would be too much right now, so she keeps the silence.

Carina focuses on the buttons on the front of her silk pajama top. Her mind surprisingly calm right now. She doesn’t know if it’s peaceful calm or some sort of other calm. The calm before another impending storm. Just a brief respite before another wave over grief comes along. The hand on the lower part of her back makes her jump a little. That’s something that she’s been doing. Jumping at any little touch from Maya. She doesn’t mean to, but everything was too much for a little bit. She doesn’t want Maya to think that she doesn’t like or appreciate her touch because she does. It’s one of the only things that makes her feel grounded right now. It’s just the initial contact that she jumps at. She’s jumpy about other things too, she finds. Sudden loud noises, the lightest touch, cars honking their horns outside. Carina hopes it doesn’t linger, doesn’t last long, and she can shake it off as time goes on.

“You good?” Maya careful not to ask if Carina is okay or alright.

“Yeah.” Carina’s voice comes out rough, scratchy. She tries to clear her throat, but she feels the soreness, the sandpaper-like feeling.

“I’ll make some tea.” Maya offers as if she can feel Carina’s sore throat.

Carina nods, looking over at Maya with what she hopes is a thankful smile.

They have tea and go to bed. Carina tosses and turns all night. Maya wakes up multiple times to it. She always wraps herself around Carina and holds her close. Carina usually snuggling up against her and falls into a light sleep again.

Notes:

Next chapter Gabriella comes a knocking.

Chapter 30

Notes:

I always apprecaite comments and kudos. Thanks a million.

The beginning part is me (and Maya) nerding out a little bit about the Peshtigo Fire. October 8 was the 150 anniversary of the Peshtigo Fire. And then Gabriella shows up and tries to stir up shit. She's really just trying to see what Maya is made of. Maya tries to work through her emotions involving Gabriella's presence. Carina and Gabriella chat about Maya.

Chapter Text

In the morning, Maya wakes up and thinks about going for a run. Just to get rid of the excess energy and anxiousness she feels. But she doesn’t. She slips out of bed, making sure that Carina remains asleep. She uses the bathroom and goes out the kitchen and makes a protein shake. She grabs her laptop and goes back to the bedroom. She slips back into bed, sitting up with her laptop on her lap. She decides to do a little research. Or studying as Maya likes to call it. Learning about fires.

She does a search for the deadliest fire in US History.

Why the deadliest? She doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because they’ve been thinking about and dealing with death the last few days. So, the two connect themselves in Maya’s mind.

Carina wakes up about an hour later. She rolls over and slips her arms around Maya’s waist. She looks at the laptop on Maya’s lap. “What are you doing?”

Maya doesn’t want to say ‘I didn’t want to leave you alone so I’m just sitting here while you sleep’ but that’s basically it. “I’m learning about this fire. There’s a video that I want to watch but I don’t have my earbuds and I didn’t want to disturb you, so I’ll watch it later.” Maya starts to close her laptop. She’s sure that the last thing Carina wants to do is think or talk about a deadly fire.

But Carina stops her. She pushes the screen back open. “Tell me about it.”

“Are you sure?” Maya cranes her neck to try to get a look at Carina’s face. “How did you sleep?”

“Not great. I kept waking up.”

Maya runs her palm over Carina’s head, pressing a kiss to the top of it afterward. “I’m sorry.” She’s thankful that Carina is accepting of physical affection again as she wraps her arm around Carina.

Carina presses herself tighter against Maya’s side, almost lying with her head on Maya’s stomach. “Tell me about it.”

“Okay.” Maya sighs. She scrolls back to the top of the article that she was reading. “You know about The Great Chicago Fire?”

“I mean, I think I’ve heard of it, but I don’t know any details. Just that it was bad. And in Chicago.”

“Okay. True. But this fire.” Maya taps at the screen. “Was way worse. And it happened on the same day as the Chicago Fire. It’s the Peshtigo Fire. And it’s the deadliest fire in US history. The reason the Chicago Fire and the Peshtigo Fire and other fires that day were so bad was because of the wind and a drought in the upper Midwest in the months previous. A cold front brought strong winds into the area spreading the flames with ease. In the Peshtigo Fire, there was a firestorm. That’s when superheated flames move on winds over one hundred miles an hour, throwing flames up to ten thousand feet in the air. It’s like a massive nuclear bomb going off. Fire jumping rivers and small bodies of water. Fire tornados. Just crazy, unimaginable stuff. I couldn’t imagine living through that. Well, most people didn’t. They died. They just combusted or melted on the spot. The ones that did survive did so because they submerged themselves in the river or laid out in a dirt field. Up to 2400 people died in that fire. It burned a huge area of land in a matter of hours. 1.5 million acres. Just massive. There was almost nothing left. Just one building in Peshtigo that had been recently put up. And a church in another area. Everything else burned. They know 1200 people died for sure, but it could be up to 2400 or 2500. So many people died no one could vouch for the dead. Just whole families wiped off the face of the earth. And it was a time of industry and a boom in the area for logging. There were people coming in from other areas, that didn’t necessarily live there and probably were in that unsure number of deaths.”

Carina hums. “How did it start?”

Maya looks down at Carina. “Do you really want to talk about this or is it just a distraction?”

Carina looks up, a half-smile. “Both. I love your enthusiasm and passion about fires. Fire history. I love hearing you talk about it. And yes, it’s a nice distraction.”

“Okay.” Maya does a little clicking around. “So, it was a dry summer, drought, and some small fires were already burning in the area. Forest fires, or wildfires. Not a real threat to villages or towns. This was in 1871. And fires were started by farmers who were clearing land, cutting down trees, burning stumps and piles of brush. Carelessness. Houses were built almost entirely out of wood.” Maya chuckles a little. “Seems so silly now. Building your house out of flammable materials. But that’s what was available and what was easiest. With how dry it was it was probably like kindling.”

“Yeah, probably not the smartest.”

“No. So that’s about it.” Maya shrugs. “I was just going to watch this video that a professor did, but I’ll do it some other time.”

“You can watch it now.”

“We should get up and eat something. Maybe do something today. Do you want to go to the park and watch the sunset later today?” Maya’s been thinking about something for them to do today. She doesn’t want to sit inside all day.

“Okay.” Carina shrugs.

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“You need to eat. How about we start with coffee and espresso.”

“Okay.” Carina agrees.

After a little grumbling from Carina, they get up and get dressed. Maya wanders into the kitchen to start on espresso for Carina. She’s not really hungry, either, after her protein shake.

Carina comes out of the bedroom, on the phone, she talking to the utility company to have Andrew’s utilities shut off. After they went over to his apartment a few more things were set into motion. The movers have been arranged to go there on Friday, now that Carina’s been there and seen what needs to be done, she can tell them what to do. After the movers have everything out of the apartment the utilities can be shut off, thus the phone call she is on right now.

There is a knock at the door.

Maya wonders who it could be. They aren’t expecting anyone as far as she knows. She grabs her mask and goes to answer the door.

She has no idea who the woman is or what she is doing her but apparently, she knows Carina, and knew Andrew. Maya stands there in stunned silence as the two greet each other.


After the espresso fiasco, they all retire to the living room. Gabriella takes the spot on the couch next to Carina as Maya tidies up the kitchen a little.

Maya sits in the armchair. She never sits over here so that seems weird. It’s also feels wrong that she doesn’t get to sit next to Carina. It’s even worse when Gabriella picks up the photo album that they retrieved from Andrew’s apartment and opens it up and starts talking through all the photos with Carina like Maya isn’t even in the room.

She sits there stewing about being left out. Maya’s hope was that one day she and Carina would go through the photo album. As a way to get to learn more about Carina and Andrew and their parents and their life. But that’s not going to happen now, clearly, as Gabriella talks about each photo with Carina. Maya folds her arms over her chest, knowing it’s stupid and irrational to feel the way she does, but she can’t help it. This woman has come into her apartment and stolen all of the thunder.

Maya is grateful that she gets a text from Jack and lies to Carina about Andy needing something so she can removes herself from this agonizing situation.


They get finished with the photo album and Gabriella gets up and goes to the kitchen to get some water.

“So, this little blonde American? She doesn’t speak any Italian?” Gabriella turns back to Carina, folding her arms over her chest.

“Maya?” Carina tilts her head. “She doesn’t know much, no. But she has picked up a little from me. I think she just, even if she did know some, she wouldn’t be confident enough to speak it in front of anyone until she perfected it.”

Gabriella scoffs. “So, just a dumb American.”

Carina frowns. “What?” She doesn’t think Maya is dumb. Just because she doesn’t know or understand most of the Italian language doesn’t mean she’s dumb. She doesn’t like Gabriella attacking Maya like this. Maya hasn’t done anything wrong or anything to show to Gabriella that she might be ‘a dumb American’. Carina also isn’t asking Maya to be someone she’s not or to learn an entire other language or ancient Italian recipes or anything like that; so she doesn’t understand why Gabriella has such a problem with it. She doesn’t think that’s fair to Maya.

“That’s not fair, Gabri. You don’t know Maya.” She tries to defend her girlfriend but wonders why she needs to. Gabriella is one of her best friends. She should just accept that Maya is someone in her life now.

Gabriella puts her hands on her hips. “And why not?” She raises an eyebrow at Carina. “Whose fault is that? All I’ve ever heard from you is her name in passing. And then you were suddenly living here with her. What’s that about?”

“She’s my girlfriend. I love her. We moved in together during the pandemic because-“ She knows it’s going to sound crazy when she says it “-because we didn’t want to be apart.”

Gabriella just stands there, waiting for more.

Carina sighs. “I don’t have to explain anything to you. I know she’s not Italian and that’s fine with me. And she doesn’t have to be. There’s no rule saying I have to date only Italians. If there were, I’d have to move back to Italia cuz there aren’t many around here. Or maybe New Jersey.” She jokes.

Gabriella smirks a little, glad to get Carina riled up about this. “So, what is it about her?”

Carina smiles softly thinking about Maya. “I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s that simple. Or if it’s one thing. It’s just Maya. She’s just-“ She sighs, content, happy. “There’s just something about her that makes me feel drawn to her. Like I want to be around her all the time. She makes me feel safe and cared for, loved. Like I matter and I’m the most important thing. She puts me above all else. Even this week. She took the whole week off of work. And Maya’s not someone who takes off of work. She hardly ever does. If she has an appointment, she makes sure to schedule it for a day that she has off already. She didn’t have to do that, but she did it for me.”

Gabriella hums.

“What?” Carina wonders about that hum. “Tell me.”

“Nothing.” Gabriella shakes her head. “She seems a bit odd, that’s all. Like I got a weird vibe from her.”

Carina frowns again. “It’s cuz you don’t know her yet.”

Gabriella hums. “I’ll make dinner for you. When’s your girlfriend going to be home?”

That’s a good question. “I don’t know.” Carina finds her phone and sends Maya a text to ask.


Instead of going back home after her visit with Jack, Maya goes to the park. The one that she asked Carina if she wanted to go to earlier in the day so they could watch the sunset together. She goes to the cliff edge and sits down about ten minutes before the sun is about to dip past the horizon.

She feels like an idiot. Maya just can’t shake the feeling that Gabriella knows Carina better than she does. That she’s always going to know Carina better than she does. It doesn’t seem fair to her. Maya knows that she wants to spend her life with Carina; but now, now that Gabriella is here, she is having second thoughts about that.

She thought they were good together. She thought she was starting to develop a shorthand with Carina. She thought they knew each other well. But then Gabriella walked through the door and proved her wrong on all of those fronts. She could see the strong bond and connection that Carina and Gabriella have. The history there. All the experiences in life that they’ve shared. It makes Maya mad. She thought they were so good and now here is someone else who is so good with Carina. Better, even. And it hurts to think about. And she’s mad and jealous that this other person even exists. That someone has swooped in and wrapped Carina up and made her feel safe and loved, and it bothers Maya more than she’s willing to admit.

Her feet kick at the edge of the cliff. She looks down over the edge. It’s so far down to the beach below. The sun is setting. She looks out over the water, having missed most of it. Maya thinks about the times she’s come here with Carina. This was their spot. They were supposed to come here today.

Maya waits until it’s almost dark before getting up and going back to the car. She sits there for a few minutes thinking about what she should do next. She doesn’t know what the best thing to do is. So, Maya sticks with the basics. Eat, sleep, get up the next day. That is her only plan right now. She does wish though that she hadn’t taken an entire week off of work now. Now that Gabriella is here, she doesn’t know how long she can just sit in the apartment and watch her girlfriend and her girlfriend’s ex-lover all cozied up together. It’ll just be torture.

Maya stops and gets some food for all of them on her way home. She walks in the door and smells the scent of food that is either being cooked or has just been finished cooking. Her shoulders sag in defeat.

“Oh, good, Maya, you’re home. I was wondering when you were coming back. I sent you a text. Didn’t you get it?” Carina is sitting on one end of the couch, her feet folded up underneath her, with Gabriella sitting on the other end of the couch.

“I made dinner, Maya.” Gabriella says. “There’s some on simmer on the stove for you.”

“Thanks.” Maya’s eyes flick between the two of them. Each with a full wine glass in hand. “Sorry, I didn’t get your text. I think I put my phone on silent.” She pulls the phone from her pocket and looks at it. Sure enough, the text from Carina is there. “Sorry.” She mumbles, feeling inadequate for more than one reason now. Maya isn’t sure how she keeps messing things up, but knows that she is. “And I didn’t know you made dinner. So, I picked something up. I’ll just put it in the fridge for tomorrow or whenever.” Maya lifts the bag of take out in her hand, to show it off.

The blonde turns and heads into the kitchen with her take out that isn’t going to get eaten today. She was looking forward to it too. She ordered from Carina’s favorite Italian restaurant in Seattle. It was supposed to be special. She takes the items from the bag as Carina and Gabriella restart their conversation again. Maya tries not to eavesdrop on them but can tell that they are talking about their medical school days.

She gets the food in the fridge and then goes to look at what’s in the pot on the stove. It looks good. Maya isn’t sure what it is and she’s about to try some when Gabriella says something in Italian and Carina laughs. Like full on, head thrown back, laughter. Maya looks over her shoulder at the pair and sees their happy faces and smiles and laughter.

Maya wets her lips. “I’m really tired. Andy had me moving furniture around all afternoon. I’m going to head to bed.”

“Are you feeling okay?” Carina asks.

Maya nods and walks over to the couch. “Just tired.” She places a kiss to the top of Carina’s head as she walks past.

“I’ll be in in a little bit.” Carina tells her.

Maya nods and goes into their room. She’s not sure what constitutes as a little bit but knows it will be more than a few minutes just by how much wine is in their wine glasses yet. And then if there’s another glass of wine, minutes could turn to hours.

She changes and climbs into bed, curling up into a little ball, sulking like a child. She knows it’s dumb. She knows she’s jealous. She knows she shouldn’t be. Maya doesn’t want to be. She’s never been jealous before. At least not over another person. But this is Carina and she’s never had a Carina before. And so, she’s jealous that the bond that Carina and Gabriella have is stronger than the one that they have.

Maya tries desperately to fall asleep before Carina comes to bed but it just doesn’t happen. She can’t get her mind to stop going over ever little detail of everything that’s happened since Gabriella showed up.

Carina comes in and changes into pajamas and crawls into bed. “Are you awake?”

Maya doesn’t move. She tries to keep her breathing even. She tries to pretend that she’s asleep and hopefully Carina will think that she is and not bother her. In the end, Carina sighs, and wraps an arm over Maya’s waist and cuddles up next to her.

It eats Maya up, all night, that she lied to Carina about her whereabouts today, that she said she was going to Andy’s when she went to Jack’s. And she knows it’s worse because it was Jack.

In the morning, as soon as Maya wakes up, which is early because she had a hard time sleeping at night she goes out in the kitchen to try to make espresso. She has to get this right. She needs to. Maya tries not to make a lot of noise because she knows Carina needs sleep and that Gabriella is sleeping.

But the kitchen noise wakes Gabriella. She puts a sweatshirt on and heads out into the kitchen. “Why are you making so much noise and such an early hour?” She sits down at the island counter.

Maya jumps, startled by Gabriella’s voice. “I have to get this right.” She huffs.

“What, exactly?”

“Espresso.”

Gabriella hums, with a smirk. It’s clear to her that she’s gotten under Maya’s skin. Which is good, in her opinion. It just means that Maya is aware of Gabriella’s presence and what it means for her and Carina. Or that Maya feels like she needs to impress and prove herself. Either way, Gabriella is happy with that. She wants to see what Maya’s got. She wants to see if this woman has enough stuff to handle Carina, to keep up with Carina, to be what she needs.

She watches as Maya struggles with the espresso.

“Don’t you have anything better to do.” Maya doesn’t like that she’s being watched.

“Not really. I came here to support my friend. And she’s sleeping so-“ She shrugs. “And you seem to have other things handled.”

“I’m making breakfast.” Maya tells her.

“Okay.” Gabriella gets up. She’s tortured Maya enough. “I’m going to shower.”

“Okay.” Maya sighs, glad that she will be left alone again.

She gets the espresso done and sets it aside and starts on breakfast. Today, a little less involved. Toast and fruits. Berries in a bowl. Yogurt. She gets it all ready before going back to the bedroom to let Carina know that breakfast is ready.

Her conscious gets the best of her before she can even make it out of the bedroom though.

“I need to tell you something.” Maya stops with a hand on the door. “I lied to you.” She huffs out a breath and rests her forehead against the door. “Yesterday. I lied to you.”

Carina rubs her hands over her face and sits up in bed. This isn’t really what she wants to hear first thing when she wakes up. Her brain isn’t really functioning properly yet. “What?”

Maya spins around to face Carina. She balls her hands into fists. “I lied to you yesterday. It’s eating me alive. I lied to you. I said Andy had a family thing and she didn’t. I didn’t go over to Andy’s. I went to see Jack.”

That rattles the cobwebs out of Carina’s brain. “Jack?”

“Yeah.” Maya takes a step closer to the bed. “I didn’t sleep with him.” She puts a knee on the end of the bed. “Don’t worry.”

Carina doesn’t know what to say.

“His girlfriend was there.” Maya tries to explain.

“So, are you saying if his girlfriend wasn’t there, that you would’ve slept with him.”

“No.” Maya puts her hands on the mattress and crawls towards Carina. “God, no.” She reaches out to put her hands on Carina’s cheeks, but Carina’s pulls her head back.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“You need to know?” Maya isn’t sure.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Yes. Yes. I’m sure. I lied. And I don’t want to lie to you. Ever. I don’t want to do anything to hurt you. And I feel like I have again. So, I’m telling you now that I lied. Jack text me and said that Marsha took a turn. I used it as an excuse to get out of the apartment because I felt uncomfortable. I went over there. I was only there for a few minutes. Then I drove around for a couple of hours before I ended up at the park.” Maya looks down at the blankets. “I sat there and watched the sunset.” She tries to keep the hurt out of her voice.

“Bambina.” Carina puts a hand on Maya’s upper arm, rubbing it up and down. “I’m sorry. We were going to do that, weren’t we?”

“It’s fine. Your friend is here. It would be rude to leave her alone or change plans or something.” Maya shrugs. “Speaking of, she’s awake. So, I made breakfast, Gabriella is awake, and I let you know that I lied to you. That’s all I’ve got.” Maya starts to back away from Carina, before stopping. “Oh, and I have to help Jack and Marcus and Inara with something later today. I don’t want to keep that from you. No lies.”

“Okay. What is it? Can I ask?”

Maya shrugs again. “I have to get the ladder truck over to the hospital. They want to surprise Marsha.”

Carina smiles at that. A big grin because her girl is so kind and caring and wonderful. “Can I come with?”

Maya hums. “You should stay here with Gabriella.” She’s not saying it to be mean or spiteful. Maya just doesn’t want Gabriella to think she is rude by them going to a thing when they have a guest.

“Oh.”

“I mean, unless she wants to come with. You can both come. It’s not really going to be anything exciting or anything like that. I’m just doing Jack a favor.” Maya tries to downplay it as much as she can.

There’s a knock on the bedroom door. “Carina?”

“Come in.”

Maya sits down on the end of the bed and watches as Gabriella sticks her head in the door.

Gabriella looks between the pair. “Am I interrupting?”

Maya thinks the answer is yes. She just wants like ten minutes alone with Carina but can’t get it.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, well, I was just wondering if you were up, and I wondered where Maya ran off to. But I’ve found her.” Gabriella smiles. “I’ll be out here, having breakfast.” She exits and closes the door.

Maya runs her hands through her hair. “I made espresso. I hope she doesn’t try any.” She mumbles. “You don’t have to try any either.”

“Bambina.” Carina sighs. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Just this thing with Jack. I’m sorry.” She stands up. “I’ll see if Gabriella will make espresso for you.” Maya moves towards the door. “Again, I’m sorry. I hope you won’t hold it against me.”

“Maya.”

Maya opens the door.

“Maya. Stop.”

She closes the door.

Carina scrambles to get out of bed. She comes over and wraps Maya up in her arms. “Do you not like that Gabriella is staying here?”

“It’s fine. She’s your friend. She can stay here. You have every right to let her stay here.” That’s not really Maya’s problem with Gabriella. She feels like she’s inadequate in Gabriella’s presence. That’s a her problem though and not a Carina problem. Maya feels like Carina should mainly be focused on her grief and the loss of her brother, not Maya’s petty jealous problems.

“That’s not what I asked. I asked if you were okay with it. And now that I’m thinking about it, I didn’t ask you yesterday if you were okay with it. So, I’m sorry, bella.” She rests her chin on Maya’s shoulder. “I should have asked.”

“That would have been nice but it’s really okay. She’s your friend. She can stay here.”

“Okay.” Carina isn’t convinced. Maya’s body language isn’t convincing her that everything is okay, but she drops it for now. “Did you make me breakfast again?” Carina asks, slipping her hands to Maya’s hips, swaying them from side to side.

“Sort of. Does putting toast in the toaster count? I set out berries and yogurt and made toast. And espresso that probably tastes like trash.”

“Hey.” Carina spins Maya around so they are facing each other. “I like when you make espresso.”

“You mean try to make. I see your face when you taste it. You don’t like the taste.”

“I’m getting used to it.” Carina shrugs. “Baciami. I haven’t had my morning kiss yet.”

Maya smirks a little at that. “You’re such a diva, aren’t you?” she teases.

Carina smiles, happy that Maya’s mood is a little lighter right now. “If you don’t kiss me, I might have to be.” She puts her hand on Maya’s waist and presses into her. “Kiss me.” She whispers. Carina knows very well that she could just kiss Maya but she’s going to make Maya do it.

Maya leans into Carina, taking in the gorgeous Italian in front of her as she does so. Because Carina’s beauty is something that should never be forgotten or ignored. She reaches up and tucks Carina’s hair behind her ear. “You are always so stunning to me.” She whispers.

“Maya, I just woke up.”

“Yes. And?”

“I have bed head. I don’t have any makeup on. I need a shower.”

“I don’t care. You don’t need any of that.” Maya tilts her head to the side. “I mean, maybe you could brush your hair, but it looks amazing like this too.” She smiles. “You are the most beautiful woman alive.”

“Stop it.”

“No. I feel like I need to tell you that everyday. I don’t say it enough.” Maya feels a little wistful right now. After feeling inadequate. She needs to remember what’s important.

“Maya, come on.” Carina whines a little. “Bella.”

Maya hums and finally leans in for a kiss. It’s just a simple press of the lips together. Short but as sweet as ever. “I love you.” Maya whispers.

“I love you too.” Carina giggles. “You’re in a strange mood this morning.” Maya nods. “I’m not sure what to do with it.”

Maya smiles. “You just keep being you and you don’t have to do anything with it. How about we eat?” Maya finds Carina’s hands.

“Sure. Before Gabriella barges in again.” Carina wiggles her eyebrows. “I love her, but you can’t leave her to her own devices for too long or you’ll have a whole five course meal in the making or a remodel project started without your permission. She’s not someone who does well with idle time. She’s always got to be doing something or worrying about something.”

“Kinda like me?”

Carina shakes her head. “You two are nothing alike.”

Maya furrows her brow. “Really?”

“Yeah, you know how to relax and not do anything.”

“No, I don’t.” Maya argues.

“Okay. Maybe not entirely. But, since I’ve known you, you learned how to just relax and just take time to not do anything that involves work or a tasks or getting ahead at something.”

“That’s only because of you. I want to spend my free time with you. I want to lay in bed with you on my mornings off. I wouldn’t be doing that if you weren’t here. I would get up and go for a run. You’ve changed my patterns.”

“No, you’ve changed your own patterns.” Carina smiles. “I’m just the reason why. It’s good, bambina. It’s good.”

“You really think we’re nothing alike?” Maya asks. Carina nods for her. Maya hums that makes her think differently about Gabriella. If that’s true, than maybe it’s not so much a competition between her and Gabriella.

“Come on.” Carina turns Maya around and opens the door. She pushes Maya out of the room, walking out behind her, her hands wrapped around Maya’s biceps.


“Are you sure you’re okay with staying here by yourself?” Carina asks again.

“I’ll be fine. Go with your girl.” Gabriella assures her friend. She’s seen them sort of tiptoe around each other all day. She knows something is up. She has a feeling that it’s probably her presence in their apartment. Gabriella wonders if she was too harsh on Maya.

“Thank you.” She presses a kiss to Gabriella’s cheek. “I need to do this for her. With her.”

Gabriella nods. She doesn’t understand it, but she nods. “What is it that you’re doing?”

“I’m supporting Maya, who is supporting her friend Jack, who is supporting a mother and son, who are supporting their mother figure, who is in the hospital with Covid.”

It’s a lot to understand but Gabriella raises an eyebrow. “Jack?”

Carina rolls her eyes. “Yes, Jack.”

Gabriella rolls her eyes. “You’re asking for trouble.”

Carina doesn’t think so. She thinks she is preventing trouble. “Listen, I know you don’t understand. And I know you didn’t support me taking Maya back but- but I love her.” Carina sighs. She knows it’s so much more complex than that, but it’s easy to sum everything up but saying that she loves Maya. She does. She loves her so much. She loves Maya more now than she ever has up to this point. With everything that she’s been through in the last few days and how Maya has been there every step of the way. She doesn’t know how she couldn’t love her more.

“Do you think this is appropriate?” Maya steps out into the hallway. “Or should I dress up more.” She looks up at Carina’s outfit. “Oh.” Carina is dressed up more. “I should change.”

“No. Stop.” Carina waves Maya over. “Vieni qua.” She wraps an arm around Maya from behind as soon as she gets close enough. “You look amazing.”

Maya looks down at her outfit. “I’m just wearing a Henley and jeans.”

“And you look amazing. You told me earlier how amazing I looked, now it’s my turn to tell you how amazing you look.”

“I think what I said was stunning and beautiful.” Maya corrects.

Gabriella chuckles. “You guys are funny.”

Maya glances over at Gabriella.

“Put your coat on, let’s go Captain.” Carina holds her hand out, waiting for Maya. She watches Maya put her jacket on. “Even better.”

Maya hums and steps over to Carina, taking her hand. Carina pulls her into her side. “Some days I can’t believe I get to walk around with a sexy fire captain at my side.” She whispers into Maya’s ear.

“Oh.”

“In a pair of jeans that make her ass look amazing. And a shirt that hugs all the right places. With an amazing jacket to top it all off. What’s not to like.” Carina forgets to whisper this time, forgets that her friend is sitting right there. Not that Carina cares what she says in front of Gabriella, but she knows Maya probably does.

Maya ducks her head. “Okay, let’s go.”


“It’s ours. It’s just ours.” Carina grabs Maya’s face and presses against her, kissing her. “Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

She twists some of Maya’s hair around her finger.

“But if you wanted to keep making your point-“

Carina hums and kisses Maya again.

Maya grabs onto Carina’s waist. She doesn’t know if she’s ever going to get enough of this woman. Part of her hopes not because that would mean that every day will be amazing.

They sway back and forth as they kiss in the parking lot. The swaying stops when Maya is pushed up against the back of Carina’s car.

“Oof.” Maya grunts, breathless.

Carina slots a knee between Maya’s legs, pressing her into the car. “Should we go home, bambina?” Carina licks up the side of Maya’s neck.

A shiver runs through Maya. “Y-yeah. It’s getting late.”

Carina pulls back and laughs. “It’s getting late?”

Maya shrugs. “Well, it is. We can’t stay out all night. And Gabriella is back at the apartment. You were the one who said not to leave her to her own devices for too long.”

Carina groans this time, forgetting that her friend is back at their apartment. “Okay.” She separates herself from Maya. “Let’s go.”

They get in the car and Carina drives them home. Maya unlocks the door, and they walk in. It’s quiet. There is no sign of Gabriella. The spare bedroom door is closed though.

“Shhh.” Maya puts her finger to her lips and turns to Carina.

“Fuck that.” Carina pulls her jacket off, throwing it over the couch. In the next motion, takes Maya’s hand and drags her into the bedroom.

“What are you doing?” Maya asks and Carina peels the jacket from her shoulder.

“What does it look like?” Carina reaches for the bottom of Maya’s shirt and pulls it up. “Raise your arms.” Maya does and she pulls the shirt over her head.

“Gabriella is in the next room.” Maya reminds her girlfriend.

“So.”

Maya’s eyes go wide as warm hands caress her sides. Those hands roam around to the small of her back before traveling upwards and deft fingers flick open the clasp on her bra. Then hands are cupping her breasts, thumbs stroking over nipples. “Carina.” Maya moans, knowing she’s not going to be able to stop this now.

“Yeah, bella?” Carina smirks.

Maya moans again.

“You like that?”

Maya grabs Carina by the back of the neck and pulls her into a searing kiss. “I like that.” They kiss again. “And I love you.” Carina giggles into the kiss.


Carina comes out of the bedroom to get something to drink the next morning. Gabriella is standing there, leaning against the kitchen counter, mug in hand. “Did you kill her?” Gabriella asks.

“What? Who? No.” Carina has no idea what her friend is talking about.

“Maya? Did you kill her?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Or was that you? No nevermind, I know what you sound like in bed.” Gabriella shrugs. “Well, now I know what Maya sounds like in bed too.” She winks.

“Oh, dio mio.” Carina runs a hand over her face. “Ah, what can I say?”

“You don’t have to say anything. I get it.”

Carina notices the bags by the door. “Are you leaving? I thought you were staying until tomorrow.”

“Si, it’s clear that Maya has things handled here.” Gabriella might get a weird vibe from Maya, but she can tell that Carina is being well taken care of by the blonde.

Carina doesn’t blush but if she did now would be the time.

“That girl loves you. She seems a little stubborn about it, but she loves you and would do anything for you. So yes, I’m leaving because I know that no matter what happens you are in good hands. And that’s all I can ask.” She pulls Carina into a hug. “Was it fabulous?”

“Was what fabulous?” Carina is having a hard time keeping up this morning. Gabriella is throwing all these questions at her and now she’s leaving.

“The sex.” She raises an eyebrow. “Last night. Cuz it sounded-“ She rolls her head from side to side. “Fabulous.”

Carina smiles happily. “Yeah. It usually is with her. Fabulous.”

Gabriella laughs. “Good for you.”

Carina smirks at that. She releases Gabriella from the hug. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course. It was good to see you. I just wish the circumstances would have been different.”

Carina sighs, sadly. “Me too. Poor Andrea.”

Gabriella nods. “Okay, goodbye. Now, you, get back to the sex lair.”

Carina nods. “Maya’s still sleeping. Which is rare. Usually she’s up early.”

“You tired her out.” Gabriella winks. She heard them. They were going at it for almost two hours.

Carina pulls Gabriella into one final hug to prevent her friend from seeing the giant smile on her face. “Ciao, Gabri.” She presses a kiss to her cheek.

“Ciao. And I’m serious about the sex lair. Get back in there. You seem happy with her. And I’m not just talking about sex.”

Carina looks down at the floor. “I am. She makes me feel-“ Carina smiles and looks up at Gabriella. “She makes me feel. And I haven’t felt like that in a long time. The way I feel around Maya I don’t think I’ve ever felt that. I feel. Do you know how amazing that is?”

Gabriella smirks. “I can imagine.” She shakes her head. “I’ve got to go. I have a flight in two hours.”

They hug once more before Gabriella is gripping her suitcase handle and backing out of the apartment. “Ciao.” She blows Carina a kiss.

Carina blows a kiss back. She stands there for a moment, thinking about her conversation with Gabriella just now. Thinking about the blonde in bed. Carina feels it. She feels happy with Maya. Like Gabriella said. With happy thoughts in mind, Carina skips towards the bedroom.

Chapter 31

Notes:

Okay so the first section of this chapter is purely them talking about fantasies and having sex so skip to the second section if you don’t want to read that. The rest of the chapter deals with Carina going back to work for the first time after Andrew’s death.

The second part of this is something I wish we could have seen on Grey’s. (But we all now Grey’s is never going to give Carina her own storyline or authenticity.)

Chapter Text

Maya walks into the bedroom with two cups of coffee. She’s getting better at the espresso after Gabriella gave her some tips in a text message, she sent the blonde a few days after she left. It was odd, at first, receiving a message from her girlfriend’s best friend. Maya still isn’t sure how she feels about them being best friend knowing what their past is. But, she’ll have to live with it. They had exchanged a few messages. Gabriella to check on how Carina was and Maya to thank Gabriella for coming which lead to the message with the tips about espresso.

“Are you coming back to bed or just bringing me my morning coffee and leaving?” Carina reaches out her hand towards Maya. The past few days have been great, well, not great because she is grieving her brother. But being able to wake up every morning in bed with Maya and be in no rush to be off to work. That was great.

“Here’s your coffee. And I’m getting back in bed.” Maya rounds the bed.

Carina takes a sip of her espresso and moans. “So much better.”

Maya chuckles. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It is.” Carina leans over and presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek.

“What do you want to do today?”

“I don’t want to be stuck inside all day.” Carina tilts her head back against the headboard. They’ve been inside a lot. “But I also don’t want to leave this bed.”

“Well, you can’t have it both ways sweetheart.” Maya takes a sip of her espresso. She starts scrolling through her phone.

Carina turns onto her side and runs her foot up the outside of Maya’s leg. Maya looks away from her phone and raises an eyebrow. She lifts her cup to her lips and takes another drink as she eyes Carina, wondering what she’s up to.

“Do you have any sexual fantasies?” Carina husks.

Maya starts coughing and choking on her espresso.

Carina giggles. “Are you okay?”

Maya puts a hand on her chest and tries to get her breathing back to normal. “Where did that come from?”

Carina shrugs. “I don’t know. I was just wondering.”

Maya hums.

“So do you?” Carina wants an answer.

“What kind of fantasies?” Maya tries to skirt around the question. “Do you?” She thinks if she flips this around, she can get out of answering it.

Carina tilts her chin up at Maya. “I asked you first.”

That technique isn’t going to work. Maya rolls her eyes. “Nothing in particular. Or out of the ordinary. Not that there’s anything ordinary. Ugh. No.” She knows it probably makes her boring in Carina’s eyes. She’s sure Carina has seen and done just about everything in bed. She is the Orgasm Doctor, after all. So maybe this conversation was bound to happen at some point. “I don’t want to be tied up or anything like that.”

“Oh, no. Not that. I was thinking more like toys.”

“Oh.” Maya mulls it over. “I don’t know.” She takes another sip of her coffee. “Why? Do you? Have fantasies?”

“Si.” Carina grins.

“Like?”

Carina gets a little nervous and usually she doesn’t get nervous talking about sex stuff. She looks down, away from Maya’s eyes. “Maya, do have a cock?”

“W-what?”

“I want to ride your cock.”

Maya has to swallow down the lump that has formed in her throat. She eyes Carina carefully. It’s not the craziest idea but it’s not what Maya expected. She didn’t know what to expect really. She sets her cup of espresso down on the nightstand carefully.

Carina watches her. “So? Do you?”

“I, uh, do not.”

Carina’s grin grows. “Oh, this could be fun.” She thinks of all the possibilities.

“I don’t like that look on your face.” Maya folds her arms across her chest. “What are you thinking?”

“We could go shopping?”

“Like to a store?” Maya voice gets higher than she would like it to be.

Carina shrugs. “Online. If you’re more comfortable with that.”

“Online, please.” Maya grumbles.

Carina kisses her quickly and runs out of the room to get Maya’s laptop from the coffee table. She’s back in a flash.

“Someone’s excited.”

“Aren’t you?”

Maya shrugs. “Well, not really. I’ve never-“

“You’ll be alright. I’ll be with you every step of the way.” Carina sits back down and opens up the computer.

They spend over an hour looking at options before making a decision.

Maya is self conscious and worries all of a sudden that she isn’t fulfilling Carina sexually. “Does this mean you want to go back to men?” She voices her concerns.

“Cosa? No.” Carina sees how Maya can get the wrong idea here. “No. No. No. No. No.” She takes Maya’s face in her hands. “No, bambina. No. not at all.” Maya just stares blankly at her. “Do you hear me?”

Maya nods but she’s still lost in her head. “Am I not doing something right? Am I doing something wrong?”

“No. There’s nothing wrong. I absolutely love and thoroughly enjoy our sex life.” Carina sets the computer aside and climbs into Maya’s lap. “Look, we don’t have to change anything if you don’t want. I just thought something different might be nice. Fun. This is me saying I am so comfortable and feel so safe with you that I want us to try different things, but we won’t if you aren’t comfortable with that.”

Maya breathes a sigh of relief. “It’s not that I’m opposed to the idea. I just-“

“It’s new.”

“It’s new. I think I need to wrap my head around it. Think about it. Ya know.”

Carina kisses her forehead. “You and your brain. I know. I’ll leave it totally up to you. No pressure. Okay?”

“Okay.” Maya wraps her arms around Carina and pulls her to her chest. “I like the idea of something different though.”

“Good.” Carina runs her fingers through Maya’s hair. “Would you like to hear more about my fantasy?”

“That wasn’t all?”

Carina shakes her head. She puts her hands on Maya’s shoulders and sits up. “There’s the first part. That I told you about. I want to sit in your lap, like this, and ride your cock. Then I want you to flip us over, I lay on my stomach, and you fuck me from behind.”

Maya closes her eyes. “Jesus.” She whispers.

“And then I want to roll over with you on top of me and we make slow passionate love where both of your hands are free to hold me and touch me. I want to feel you cum with your cock inside me. I want to cum with you. Without fumbling hands or legs or anything else.”

“That sounds amazing.” Maya moans.

“I want to get to that point. We aren’t going to be there right away.”

“I fucking love you. Let’s do it.” That was all the convincing Maya needed. She’ll do just about anything to feel closer and more connected to Carina.

Carina laughs. “You’re halfway gone. Aren’t you?”

“I’m fucking soaked. So yeah.”

“Should I keep going?” Carina reaches down and slips her hand into Maya’s briefs. They both moan at the feeling.

“Y-yes.” Maya stutters out.

Carina runs her fingers through Maya’s folds, teasing her entrance. She leans forward and whispers in Maya’s ear. “I want you to wear your cock in your pants. Maybe in your uniform pants even. When you come home from work? After a long exhausting day. And you’ll sit down on the couch, and I’ll come over and undo your pants, pulling your cock out, stroking you, before bending down and sucking you off.”

Maya bucks her hips. “Keep going.” She groans, her fingers digging into the skin at Carina’s hips.

Carina slips two fingers into Maya. “I’ll pull my panties off and rub myself on your cock.” She moves her fingers to a steady rhythm inside Maya. “Getting you soaked with my juices.”

Maya squirms, looking for her release. It’s so close. She just needs a little more.

Carina tilts her hand, thrusting deeper into Maya.

Maya moans, close.

“And then I’ll slowly lower myself down onto your cock until I’m taking your full length.”

“Carina.” Maya moans, her orgasm exploding within. “Ohhh.” She moans out as Carina presses her thumb to Maya’s clit, intensifying her orgasm. She grinds herself up into Carina’s hand, riding over the waves of pleasure.

Maya rests her forehead on Carina’s shoulder as her whole body tingles. “I can’t feel my legs.”

“That good, huh?”

“Amazing.” Maya presses a kiss to Carina’s shoulder and focuses on breathing properly again.

Carina runs her hands up and down Maya’s back softly.

“You’re trouble.” Maya says once her breathing evens out again.

Carina laughs and tilts Maya’s head up with a finger under her chin. She leans in for a slow kiss.

“Dirty, sexy, trouble.” Maya mumbles. She reaches for the bottom of Carina’s tank top. “Take this off.” She removes the item herself, revealing pert breasts. Maya takes one into her mouth, humming.

Carina tips her head back, closing her eyes, lost in the feeling of Maya sucking on her nipple. So lost that she doesn’t realize Maya is moving, until she is being spun around and flipped onto her back. Her eyes snap open as she grins up at Maya. “It’s so sexy when you do that.” She reaches up and squeezes Maya’s strong biceps.

Maya grins, devilishly. “How about when I do this?” She starts kissing down Carina’s torso. She reaches the elastic band on her underwear, licking across it. Her fingers hook into the sides. She kisses her way down Carina’s right thigh as she pulls the underwear down tanned legs. She removes the item and then looks up to find Carina staring down at her. “Is that a yes?”

Carina licks her lips and nods. “S-s-si.”

Maya laughs. “Good.” She puts her hands on Carina’s knees, spreading her legs. “How about this?”

Carina rolls her eyes. “Dio mio, Maya, stop talking and just do it already.”

Maya laughs. “Okay, no more teasing.” She gets in position, lapping her tongue through Carina’s folds as Carina moans out Maya’s name and broken sentences in Italian until she is coming undone.


“Okay, I’m ready to go. Are you?” Maya calls out. She’s anxious about today. And it has nothing to do with her own life. Well, in a way it does. Carina is going back to work today for the first time since Andrew’s death. While Maya had taken one week off of work, Carina took two.

The plan was that they were going to stop somewhere for breakfast and then Carina was going to bring Maya to work and then head to the hospital.

“Y-yeah.” Carina doesn’t feel like she’s one hundred percent ready for this, but she also knows that she never will be. It’s just one of those things you have to do. Just rip the band aid off.

Maya moseys into the bedroom. “Let’s go hot doctor lady.” She tries to keep the mood light.

Carina grins. She knows what Maya is doing but she totally loves and appreciates it.

They get to the restaurant and are seated six feet from any other table. It’s a little odd. Neither of them have been to a restaurant and had a meal since before the pandemic started. They have been in a café or coffee shop or two, but this is a little different than those times.

Maya can almost feel the anxiety wafting off of Carina. She reaches across the table with both hands. Carina is busy looking at the menu. “Dammi -uh, your hands.” Maya says nervously.

Carina looks over at Maya at that. “Did you just-?”

“Dammi is give me, right?”

“Si.” Carina grins. She puts down the menu and puts her hands in Maya’s.

“I know you’re anxious about today.” Maya runs her thumbs over Carina’s knuckles. “I know that. But you can do it. You’ve got this. Just- I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to help you. But I want to.” Maya sighs, frustrated. “If you need to talk or need something else just call me. Don’t hesitate. Don’t wait until it gets too overwhelming. Okay?”

Carina bites her lip. “Maya. Maya, thank you.”

Maya shakes her head. “Don’t thank me. If I don’t answers my phone or my office phone, call the reception desk at the station. I’ll have Vic working reception today. She can let you know where I am, or if I’m on a phone call, or an actual emergency call. Tell her you need to talk to me and she will let me know and I we call you back as soon as I can.”

Carina takes a deep breath. She doesn’t know if what Maya says is going to help but just knowing that Maya is trying to help and make herself available means everything. “Okay.”

“Great.” She squeezes Carina’s hands before letting them go. “Now, where’s our waiter, I’m starving.”


The day starts out well. Carina has appointments with clients all morning. Appointments that got rescheduled or pushed back or couldn’t be picked up by the other OB’s while she was off work.

Carina has her lunch break and can’t help but think about Andrea as she sits alone at a table in the cafeteria. She wonders about Amelia, and then Meredith, and then Teddy. The last she heard Meredith was still in the hospital, still had Covid or Covid complications. Teddy and Andrea were the ones who were running Meredith’s Covid care. And then Teddy was in on the surgery that they did to try to save Andrea. So, she wonders on what’s happening with all that.

Part of her wishes everyone at this hospital wasn’t tied together and interconnected. It would make grieving Andrea’s death easier.

The afternoon isn’t as busy for Carina. She’s mostly going over charts and catching up on her patients that have been seen by other doctors in her absence.

It’s not until she gets a page, that she has to go down to the ER to look at a pregnant woman that was just brought in, that things change.

Carina looks around, trying to spot the woman.

“Dr. DeLuca, in here.” Helm calls her into the trauma room.

Carina starts to walk over but stops in the doorway. It’s the same room Andrea was in. Everything about that day comes rushing back.

“Carina.” Owen gets her attention.

She moves into the room. “What do we have?” Trying to focus, keep her mind present.

“Thirty-two year old woman, thirty-two weeks pregnant, blunt force trauma to the head.” Amelia fills in. “We need to get her up to CT, but I need you to check on the baby first.”

Carina tries to put Andrea out of her mind as she works on the patient. She does an ultrasound and doesn’t see anything that indicates there is anything wrong with the baby. The fetal heart monitor shows that the baby isn’t in any distress. “You’re good to go.”

“Let’s go.” Owen calls out. Everyone rushes out of the room with the patient, leaving Carina standing there, alone.

She tries to breathe through the sadness and anxiety that is bubbling up. She looks around the room. It’s eerily like it was the day Andrea was here. Just like when they moved him out to go to surgery. The only difference right now is that Maya isn’t here to hold her.

Carina’s legs are shaky, her heart beating faster than it should be, her eyes watery. It’s like it’s happening all over again. She can picture it all again. Andrea laying on the bed, gasping for air, moaning in pain. The frantic frenzy going on around her and Maya. The arms around her waist. Except they aren’t. She looks down at her midsection.

A nurse Carina doesn’t know or recognize comes into the room to clean it up and get it back in order for the next trauma that will inevitably come in. That’s all this room is. A revolving door of trauma. Someone is brought in. They are worked on. The doctors determine what’s wrong and they go for surgery or scans or both and try to fix it. If they can’t fix it, this is the last room that person is ever in alive.

“Are you okay?” The nurse asks.

Carina turns her head, staring over at the woman. They just stare at each other for a moment before Carina shakes her head and hurries out of the room.

There are only a few hours left of her shift, but she can’t continue. She knows she can’t. Her head is a mess now. Carina goes to her office and gathers her things before walking out of the hospital. She knows it’s probably not a good idea to drive home so she starts walking.

Carina pulls the front door open. She vaguely knows this isn’t her home but maybe it’s starting to be, in a way.

“Carina, hey.” Vic calls out as soon as the Italian steps through the door. She knows something is up when Carina doesn’t smile like she usually does and greet her in return. She sits up a little straighter in her desk chair. The vacant stare that she sees from Carina, the arms wrapped around herself have Vic glancing over at the captain’s office. Maya had mentioned something to Vic at the start of the day about Carina calling and letting her know right away. She hadn’t asked questions but had agreed.

Maya is just over a few steps away in her office. Vic notices that Carina doesn’t make a move to go over there. She needs to intervene when she notices something is off with the doctor.

“MAYA!” Vic yells and gets out of her chair, rounding the desk. She puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder.

The office door opens, and Maya comes flying out. She stands right in front of Carina.

“She just walked in.” Vic supplies.

Maya searches Carina’s eyes for clues as to what is happening. “What happened? What’s wrong? You’re supposed to be working.” She checks her watch to make sure she is correct on that last part. She is. There’s just under two hours left of Carina’s shift.

“Andrea.” Carina mumbles.

Maya heart sinks. “Okay, come on.” She leads Carina into her office with a gentle hand on her lower back. “Thanks, Vic.” Maya calls over her shoulder.

As soon as Maya closes the office door, Carina turns to her and wraps her arms around Maya, burying her face against Maya’s shoulder.

“Okay. Okay.” Maya wraps Carina up in her arms. “Let’s go in here.” She moves them over to the bunk. “Sit.” They sit on the edge of the bed. “Can you tell me what happened?”

Carina shakes her head. The sad look in her eyes, on her face, tears Maya up inside. “Okay.” Maya pulls Carina against her side. Carina lays her head on Maya’s shoulder.

After many minutes of silence, Carina finds the words. “There was a pregnant woman that came in. They needed me to check on the baby. Except that she was in the room they had Andrea in.”

Maya lets out a long sigh. “Maybe you shouldn’t do consults in the pit for a while.” She suggests.

Carina nods. That’s probably a good idea. She’ll have to talk to Owen and Dr. Bailey about it.

“I just left. I had to leave. I didn’t even tell anyone.” She feels bad about it now that she’s at the fire station.

“Okay. It’s okay.” Maya is going to have to call the hospital.

They sit there for a while in silence. Maya goes over everything in her head. She wonders if this is going to keep happening or if this is a one time thing for Carina. She knows she would avoid a place if it gave her triggering memories of a bad situation. That’s kind of difficult to do when you work in that place though.

“How’d you get here?”

“I walked.”

Maya hums. “Do you want me to bring you home?”

Carina shakes her head and wraps her arms around Maya. “Can I stay here? Tonight. With you.”

Maya frowns. That would be against the rules, and she knows she can’t afford to break any rules now. After with what happened with Sullivan and Miller and the police. The department has extra watchful eyes on Maya and her team right now. Though, she knows that nobody on her team would rat her out about Carina staying here overnight.

“Let me go talk to Andy and Gibson.” Maya presses a kiss to Carina’s temple and stands up to go find her lieutenants.

Carina sits there, on the edge of the bed, head hung low. She feels like a failure. She feels like she should have just sucked it up and finished out her workday. She’s going to have to go back to the hospital tomorrow, she’s going to have to go back to work. What happens then?

Maya is right. She’s going to have to talk to Owen and Dr. Bailey about not working in the pit for a while. She puts that thought aside and stands up. She goes over to the table and looks over all of Maya’s personal effects. There’s really not much. A picture of her and Mason from when they were kids. A photo Carina has never seen before. Maya looks about ten or eleven years old in the photo. Mason even younger. They both have seemingly happy smiles on their faces. Carina shakes her head, wondering where it all went wrong for them.

She moves along to the picture of the fire family that sits next to the photo of Maya and Mason. She smiles at it. Carina wonders when it was taken and what the occasion was. Perhaps a few years ago because Pruitt is in the photo and there’s a guy in a police uniform too that Maya has mentioned as Ryan.

There is one more picture propped up there. It’s a photo of herself. Carina reaches out and lifts the photo to get a closer look at it. It’s nothing spectacular in Carina’s opinion. She doesn’t even remember the photo being taken. Carina is just sitting on a park bench, her side profile, a smile as she looks off into the distance. Something strikes her though, looking at the photo. The posture of the woman in the photo, the ease with which she sits there, the content and tranquil everything about her, and the happy smooth smile on her face. Carina didn’t realize she looked that happy. Sure, she feels happy, but to see it in a photo is a whole other dimension.

She puts the photo back and looks around the rest of the tiny room. Some of Maya’s clothes are in a little open faced closet thing in the corner. She goes over and pulls on a hoodie over her scrub top. It’s not until now that she realizes that she didn’t even change before she left the hospital. Carina puts her hands in the pockets and pulls the hoodie tight around her.

Maya finds Carina sitting on the bed again when she comes back. She’d wonder if Carina even moved since she left but knows she has because the Italian is wearing her hoodie.

“Andy is going to take charge if we have any calls. But she said you have to eat dinner with all of us if she is going to fill in for me.” Maya smirks.

Carina closes her eyes. It feels good to be wanted. That Maya’s fire family wants her around and doesn’t just brush her aside as some silly woman that keeps showing up at the station. They actually want her to be around. They might even care about her and her well being.

“You okay?”

“I’m good. I’m better. I just needed to get away from the hospital.”

“About that- I called the hospital. I spoke to- I don’t know who- someone that works with, for Dr. Bailey.” As Captain, Maya has Miranda’s contact information at the hospital in case something were to happen with Ben. It comes in conveniently right now. “I let them know what happened. Where you were. She said she will let the appropriate people know that you had an emergency and had to leave.”

Carina sighs. “It wasn’t an emergency.”

“I know. But they don’t need to know that.” Maya reaches out her hand. “Come on, dinner’s almost ready.”

They climb the stairs hand in hand.

“Hey, guys.” Carina says timidly to the crew as they sit around the table.

Maya has threatened them all not to bring up Andrew or why Carina is here when she should be at work.

There is a chorus of ‘hey, Carina’ from the bunch.

Travis gets up, giving up his seat. “Cap, you and Dr. DeLuca can sit here.” She references his seat and the open one that was next to him.

“Thanks, Montgomery.” Maya tugs on Carina’s hand. “Let’s get something to eat before we sit down.”

“What are we having?”

“Chili.” Maya says.

“Yeah, Miller makes a mean chili.” Jack adds.

Maya leans into Carina’s side as they approach the stove. “That’s the only thing he knows how to make.”

Carina smiles a little. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Well, that and baby food. Though I can’t actually say cuz I haven’t tried anything that Pru eats.”

“I heard that.” Dean swoops in and grabs a few more slices of garlic bread from the cooking sheet on top of the stove.

Maya ignores him. She puts a hand on Carina’s back. “Here are the bowls.” She points to the cabinet with the bowls in them. “And the spoons are in the drawer to the right of the sink.” Maya opens the door to the cabinet and gets down one bowl and sets it on the counter and then grabs another. “How much do you want?” Maya grabs the serving spoon in one hand. The hand that was on Carina’s back comes around to hold the bowl.

Carina reaches up, putting her hand on the back of Maya’s neck, massaging the skin there. Her caring, considerate girlfriend making sure she is okay, making sure she is fed properly, making her feel welcomed and loved and not silly for showing up at the station unannounced and in a panic. “I can do it myself.” Carina whispers in her ear as she leans against Maya a little, craving closeness.

Maya rolls her eyes. “If you insist.” There’s a playful tone to her voice.

They are completely lost in their own world. No idea that behind them everyone is watching their interaction in silence.

Maya gets a helping of chili for herself and sets a slice of garlic bread on top of the bowl. She steps to the side a little to let Carina at the pot on the stovetop.

Carina scoops some chili into her bowl. She takes two pieces of garlic bread. “Okay.”

“I’ll grab spoons.” Maya puts a hand on Carina’s elbow for just a second. “Go sit down.”

Carina does as she’s told. She sits in the chair Travis vacated. She looks around at the crew. No one is talking. It’s a little weird. She wonders if it’s her that makes it weird. She tucks into her bowl of food trying to ignore the weird vibe in the room.

“So, Jack.” Travis starts trying to save the room from awkwardness. “How is that kid you brought to the hospital yesterday? Did you get any updates? I know the parents were very grateful to you.”

Jack scoffs. “You mean the kid that puked all over me.”

“GUYS.” Maya yells as she gets to the table. “No gross talk at the table while we are eating. We have a guest.” She nods in Carina’s direction and sits down.

Carina chuckles a little. “I think you forget-“ She reaches over and rubs her hand up and down Maya’s thigh. “-I am a doctor. I work at a hospital.” She addresses the table. “You can talk about gross stuff. I don’t mind. We talk about gross stuff at the hospital all the time when we are eating.”

Jack takes that as a clue to answer the question. “No, I haven’t gotten an update. That kid was really sick though. I don’t know why his parents did bring him the doctor sooner. They waited until he was so sick they had to call an ambulance.”

“Covid.” Dean mumbles.

“Oooh.” Jack nods. “Right.”

“People are so apprehensive about Covid that they are putting off routine doctor’s appointments, not going to the hospital when they are sick or in pain. Just, in general, trying to avoid catching Covid. Which I don’t blame them. I don’t want to catch Covid. I mean, it’s just awful. I’ve had patients putting off care. Not as much anymore but at the beginning. Which lead to complications. Which lead to death. Not only am I dealing with Covid deaths; I’m dealing with women dying from pregnancy complications that shouldn’t be. I’ve never had a patient die until all of this. It’s just so hard. On everyone.” Carina vents. It’s not necessarily aimed at anyone, or Jack, but he is the one who brought it up.

The room is silent after that.

“She’s right.” Ben tries to add in. “Let’s try not to judge anyone for the decisions they are making during this pandemic. Obviously, you shouldn’t go out and murder someone over a roll of toilet paper, but everyone is stressed.” He thinks he’s adding to the conversation, agreeing with Carina, having a discussion.

Except Maya knows it’s doing more harm than good when she sees Carina tuck her chin to her chest. She puts her hand on top of Carina’s that is still on her leg, holding it, giving it a squeeze. “Let’s talk about something else than fucking awful Covid.”

The conversation goes to Mariners baseball and Maya is thankful for that. She looks over and waits until Carina meets her eyes. Maya nods. Carina sends her a thankful smile and a nod to let Maya know that she’s alright.

“Montgomery, when you’re finished can you swap with Hughes so she can eat.” Maya orders.

“Sure thing, Cap.”

Carina thinks it’s interesting to see the crew now. Now, they all respect and listen to everything that their Captain says. Carina never witnessed it when that wasn’t the case, but she heard about it from Maya. It’s good to see that Maya has gotten the respect from them that she so desperate wanted at one point.

Maya removes her hand from the top of Carina’s so she can eat. She looks around at her team and is grateful that she has all of them as her team. As her family. That they don’t have a problem with Carina being here with them. That they are open to her joining their silly little family.

“What time is first pitch?” Dean asks Jack.

“7:05, I think.”

“I’ll race you.” Dean takes off running over to the lounge room with the recliners. Jack runs after him knowing he’s already been beat. They wrestle over the tv remote, even though they both would be turning the baseball game on.

“They’re silly.”

“Yep.” Maya nods.

Vic comes in and gets some food and sits across from Maya. She’s happy to see that Carina has come out of whatever stupor she was in when she arrived. “What are they arguing about?”

“Not arguing.” Maya says and takes another bite of her chili.

Carina finishes for Maya. “Grappling over the television starter.”

“Remote.” Maya whispers.

“Remote.” Carina grins.

Vic smiles at the pair. She thinks they are absolutely adorable together. She’s never seen Maya this content in her entire time knowing her. So that says something in itself. But to have Maya willingly bring someone in to ‘hang out’ at the station is another thing. Vic eats quickly so she can get back to the front desk.

It's Vic that sees them reenter the captain’s office about an hour later. The crew had to go to a call just as dinner was wrapping up. Maya, since Andy was taking over for this call, stayed behind. She said she’d do the dishes, put everything away.

So that’s what Carina and Maya did. Cleaning the table, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, putting the leftover chili in the fridge for later for when the crew returned and would likely be hungry again. Carina commented that they must go through a lot of food. Maya told her that they usually went to the grocery store everyday or every other day. Lots of hungry mouths to feed.

“Night, Vic.” Maya mumbles.

Vic nods at the pair as the go into the office. She’s not shocked, in the lest, to see that Carina isn’t going home. She knows that Carina’s brother died. Everyone does, but she doesn’t know what the Italian has gone through today specifically to lead her here this evening.

“Do you mind if I do some paperwork?” Maya asks. She doesn’t really want to tell Carina that when she’s at the station for an overnight she doesn’t usually sleep much. She’s either out on a call or doing administrative stuff until midnight. She’ll lay down after that, but not much restful sleep is had.

Carina takes that as Maya wanting to be alone. She second guesses being here. “Should I go?” She looks over at the office door. “I’m just going to go. I don’t belong here.” She takes a step towards the door.

Except Maya won’t let her out of their handhold. “Yes, you do. You belong here. If dinner didn’t convince you, I’m saying it right now. I got you. We’ve got you. We are a family here. A sometimes deranged, often dysfunctional, family here. Those guys-“ Maya points in the direction of the beanery. “-they’ve got your back too. With Andrew. Jack and Ben, they- they did everything they could. Dean wanted to go after the traffickers, but I wouldn’t let him. Andy stayed here when I left. She was acting captain when I took off work. They all did those things for you. For Andrew. For those kids. For me, but as far as I’m concerned, most importantly, for you.”

Carina falls into Maya’s arms and cries against her shoulder. It means so much for Maya to say all that. Andrea was her family here in Seattle, now he’s gone. For Maya to say that she has a family in this station is almost more than Carina can handle right now. It’s hard to be so raw and open lately but with Maya, Carina feels completely safe in her vulnerability.

Maya runs her hand up and down Carina’s back, holding onto her tight around the waist with her other arm. “Hey.” She tries to get Carina to look at her. Maya puts a hand on the back of Carina’s head. “Hey, Carina. Let’s go lay down. I won’t do any paperwork tonight.”

Carina nods against her shoulder before sniffling. She lifts her head and finds Maya’s eyes. Maya smiles her just for Carina smile. “I love you.”

Carina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I love you too, Maya.”

Chapter 32

Notes:

-I’m just going to say I don’t know how immigration stuff works (but it seems like the show doesn’t either lol) so if I’m totally off with something in this chapter than that’s why (and I was too lazy to look up immigration laws and rules).

Chapter Text

Maya drives them down to the storage unit that she rented for Andrew’s motorcycle. Carina hasn’t been here yet, but Maya told her about it about a week after the memorial service. Maya was only here once. When the bike was dropped off and pushed inside and she locked the padlock and left.

She doesn’t say anything but gets out of the car and leads the way to the unit. They stop hand in hand in front of the door.

“Do you want to do it or should I?” Maya asks.

Carina has the key. She takes a deep breath. They’ve talked about this and worked up to it. “I’ll do it.” She takes a step forward, releasing Maya’s hand. She unlocks the door and pulls it up, open. It’s a little shocking as Carina step inside, not only to see the motorcycle, but for it to be the only thing in the unit.

“What do you want to do?” Maya steps up so she’s standing next to Carina in front of the bike.

Carina answers Maya with a question of her own. “Do you know how to ride?”

“Do you?” Maya asks back and glances over at Carina.

Carina finds Maya looking at her. “Just a scooter.” She smirks.

“You Italians.” Maya shakes her head playfully.

Carina reaches out and wraps her left hand around Maya’s elbow. She pulls them farther into the unit to get a closer look at the bike. “Where’s his helmet?” She doesn’t see it anywhere.

Maya licks her lips before she answers. “It’s in the closet in the spare bedroom.” She wasn’t intentionally hiding it from Carina, just thought that was a good place to store it.

Carina nods, not bothered at what Maya has done with the helmet. “Okay.” She looks down at the bike and runs her finger over the nearest handlebar. “When he first got the motorcycle and told me about it, I yelled at him. Motorcycles are dangerous.”

“They can be.”

“I made him swear that he would always wear a helmet and a leather jacket. Even if it was hot outside.”

“That was good.” Maya comments.

Carina sighs. “If something was going to kill him, I would have bet that it would have been this bike.” The tears sting in the corners of her eyes. Carina thought she could come here, thought she could see the bike, thought she could make it through without crying.

Maya shrugs Carina’s hand from her elbow so she can wrap her arms around the Italian. She rests her chin on Carina’s shoulder, leaning into her.

“Not some sex trafficker-“ Carina shudders. “-with a k-knife.” A few tears fall as she wraps her arms tightly around Maya.

“Do you want to go?”

Carina shakes her head. “No.” She takes a few minutes to compose herself before peeling away from Maya and moving around the bike, appraising it, thinking about what to do with it. “Do you know how to ride?” Maya never answered her question.

“I do. But I’m not very good.” Maya chews on her bottom lip.

“It’s like riding a bike, Maya.”

“I know. I just- don’t have one-“ She points at the motorcycle. “-so it’s like a lack of practice thing. I wouldn’t want to just hop on and go down the highway.”

“I thought you were excellent at everything you did.” Carina teases.

Maya rolls her eyes. “At whatever I put my mind to. If I remember you saying correctly.”

“You remember that?” Carina is astonished.

“Of course I do, love. How could I ever forget when I called you freaking out about delivering a baby and you talked me down.” Maya shrugs and looks away from her girlfriend.

Carina smirks. Anxious, nervous Maya was quite endearing back then. “You were pretty anxious about it.”

“That’s when I knew you would be good for me.” Maya reveals, slowly turning her head to get a glance at Carina’s reaction.

“Really?” Carina’s eyes nearly pop out of her head. “That was like the second or third time we talked.”

Maya shrugs again. “No one else has ever been able to help me calm down as much as you. I don’t know what it is. It’s like you have superpowers when it comes to that.”

Carina hums, finding Maya’s revelations very interesting.

“So what are you going to do with it?” Maya nods at the bike.

“I don’t know.” Carina licks her lips. “We could keep it.”

“Would that be too difficult?” Maya doesn’t miss the fact that Carina uses the word we.

“If you know how to ride.” Carina adds. “We could keep it.”

“Oh.” Maya sees Carina’s train of thoughts. She’s not sure if she likes the idea of keeping Andrew motorcycle so that she, or they, could ride it around though. Maya doesn’t want to force herself on Andrew’s memory. She doesn’t want to replace his memory in Carina’s mind of him and the bike with her and the bike. That doesn’t seem right.

Carina can feel Maya’s apprehension. “Or we could sell it.” She sighs.

“Well, we don’t have to make a decision today.” Maya thinks it best to sit on the idea and make a decision at a later date.

Carina nods. She runs her fingertips over the leather seat.

They stand there for a few minutes in silence. Each stuck in their own thoughts. Carina’s about Andrea and how much he loved his motorcycle. And Maya thinking about what it would be like to ride Andrew’s motorcycle.

Carina pulls Maya back to the car after a little bit. She pushes her up against the driver’s side door when they get there, kissing her hard. Carina runs a hand up the front of Maya’s shirt, cupping a breast. Maya squeaks a little in surprise. “Carina.”

“What?” She tries to play innocent.

“You know what?” Maya asks incredulously. She just can’t believe Carina sometimes. It’s like no place is off limits for a little frisky business. Even the storage unit where her dead brother’s bike resides.

“You’re no fun.” Carina steps back and tugs at the bottom of her shirt as she rounds the car and gets in the other side.

Maya scrambles to get inside the car. “I’m not fun?” She challenges. “It’s the middle of the afternoon. In broad daylight.” She raises her voice a little.

“Yeah.” Carina shrugs.

“Yeah and while I don’t want to say no, I also don’t want an audience or anything.” Maya knows they are in public after all.

“Okay.” Carina is disappointed.

“Hey.” Maya softens, realizing that she’s probably coming on too strong about this. She reaches over and takes Carina’s hand. The woman is all over the places right now. And Maya thinks she is allowed to be, but it’s a little hard to keep up with sometimes. “Let’s go home.”

“Okay.”

“Where no one can interrupt us. Where you can kiss me, and I don’t have to worry about losing my job because I got arrested for indecent exposure.” Maya raises an eyebrow.

Carina smirks at that. “You’re always thinking, bambina.”

Maya brings Carina’s hand to her lips and presses a kiss to her knuckles. She starts the car and points them in the direction of home.

Carina sets her hand on Maya’s thigh as they get going. “Ya know.” She licks her lips and looks out the side window. “I was thinking-“

“Hmm.” Maya hums.

“I was thinking if we get you a helmet and a motorcycle jacket and boots and pants and-“ Carina’s hand slips to the inside of Maya’s thigh.

“Carina.” Maya warns.

“That it would be really hot.” She fingers dance against Maya’s thigh.

“Carina.” This time the name comes out more strangled than anything. Maya’s grip on the steering wheel tightens.

The Italian continues with her description. “And if you were riding the bike with your legs wrapped tightly around it- that would be even hotter.”

“What about you?” Maya asks.

“What about me?” Carina plays.

“You’re not going to be a casual observer.” Maya tells her.

“No? What am I going to be?” Carina teases back.

Maya pinches her thighs together, clamping Carina’s hand between them. Such a teases that one. Maya is throbbing and wet already. “You are going to be with me. Your own helmet and leather jacket on. On the back of the bike. Your arms wrapped around my waist, holding on.”

Carina hums. “And my legs wrapped tightly around you from behind.”

Maya moans.

Carina chuckles lightly. “I think we might have to keep the bike.”


Carina is going through her things. The pile of papers that she never sorted out when she moved in with Maya, and some other things, change of address stuff.

That’s when she finds the letter. The letter that she got from immigration the day, or maybe it was two days, before Andrea died. The letter saying that immigration was shutting down. Her heart sinks. Carina forgot about this. With everything that’s been happening at the hospital with Covid and then with Andrea’s death. She forgot. She forgot that she has to leave in a month. She forgot. It seems like a big thing to forget but there’s been so much pain, and so much grief, and so much stress.

Carina tries to get answers. She calls immigration but they are shut down. She goes on the website and that’s not any help either.

She chews on her lip nervously. She doesn’t know how she’s going to tell Maya. So much time has passed since she got the letter. And since immigration is shut down there’s nothing she can even do. Carina runs her hands through her hair. She flips it over to the right side of her head and lays backwards, falling onto her back on the mattress.

Maya is out helping Travis and Vic with something. Carina is not sure what. Maya told her what it was, but she didn’t understand it. Regardless, she’s not home.

When Maya does come home later that day, it’s with a hop in her step and a smile on her face. She told Carina they were doing Covid testing at the station. But, spending time with Travis and Vic this afternoon she has another idea.

“Carina.” She calls into the apartment as soon as she closes the door. She doesn’t spot the Italian in the kitchen or living room. Maya moves towards the bedroom. She comes in as Carina is sweeping up an armful of paper. “What’s all that?”

“Oh, just change of address stuff.” It’s not a complete lie. Just omitting some truth.

“Oh, okay.” Maya comes into the room. “I wanted to ask you something.” She sits down on the end of the bed.

“What?” Carina spits out. She’s on edge and her words are harsher than she wants them to be.

Maya wrinkles her brow at the tone of Carina’s voice but brushes it aside. “You know we have the Covid testing thing tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“I wanted to ask you if you would be willing to help out. I know it’s your day off and you totally don’t have to if you don’t want to. Travis just said it would be nice to have happy, bubbly Carina at the station again.”

Carina grins, genuinely. “He said that?”

Maya shrugs.

“I wasn’t the exact picture of happiness the last time I was there.”

“No, but-“ Maya is about to drop it. She doesn’t want Carina to feel obligated. “You don’t have to-“

“I’ll do it.” Carina says before Maya can change both their minds. She feels terrible agreeing though. She feels guilty for not telling Maya about the immigration stuff. Carina knows she should just tell her right now. She could and then deal with the ramifications and aftermath of that right here and now. But she doesn’t want it hanging over their heads tomorrow for the Covid testing at the station. She’ll just wait until after that is over and tell Maya then.

Carina also feels like she owes the station something. They have taken her in, they have effectively made her one of their own, a part of the fire family. So, she feels grateful for that and like she has to help out. Plus, hearing that Travis wanted her around more didn’t hurt either.

In the morning, Carina wakes up feeling worse and more on edge than yesterday. Maya is just the opposite. Maya is super excited to get to go to work with Carina, or bring Carina to work with her, for them to work together today.

“Thanks for agreeing to do this today. I know you’d probably rather spend your one day off a week not dealing with Covid.”

Carina finds Maya’s hand. “I’m happy that we are doing something together to help the community.”

“It’s pretty cool that our jobs can align sometimes.”

“I think that’s very cool.” Maya leans in and pecks Carina on the cheek. “Let’s go.” She releases her hand and smacks her on the ass lightly. “We can’t be late.”

“I’m never late.” Carina adds.

“Maybe not but you’re never early.” It was something that her father drilled into Maya. To be at least ten minutes early was to be on time. To be on time was to be late.

“I can’t help it if I want to look good when I go to work. I need to look presentable and professional for my patients.” Carina doesn’t want to look like a slouch or that she can’t do her job. She knows how judgmental people can be. It’s not like she’s Maya and gets to wear the same thing everyday at work, a uniform.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Does it matter nowadays. We are covered in masks and shields and googles and protective gowns. No one can even see what you look like or what you might be wearing.” Maya just doesn’t see the fuss.

Carina frowns. Maya does have a point.

“Plus, you always look amazing. No matter what.” It doesn’t really matter in Maya’s mind. Carina will be wearing her scrubs and a gown over the top. Why get all dressed up now just to change into that?

Carina smiles a tiny smile. “Thank you, bambina.” The compliment lifts Carina’s mood for the moment. Her immigration issue still lingers at the back of her mind. She’s trying to think of the best way to tell Maya. She thought about cooking dinner and them sitting in front of the fireplace with a glass of wine. She’s thought about just telling her while they were laying in bed getting ready for sleep. She’s thought about going out for a walk or outdoor activity, maybe even going to the park to watch the sunset and telling Maya that way.

Carina is starting to worry about Maya reaction to the news. When she tells Maya that they are going to have to spend time apart, live in different countries, she’s not sure what that reaction is going to be. But knowing Maya she knows it’s going to likely be a knee-jerk reaction.

Her irritation starts to ramp up when organizing for the testing at the station isn’t going the way she wants it to.

When Maya pulls her aside and asks if she’s okay, Carina knows she can’t keep this from Maya anymore.

“My visa is expiring, and I might have to go back to Italy.”

Maya kind of gives her a blank stare and Carina knows Maya isn’t understanding anything that she’s saying.

“When?”

 It’s the only thing Maya can think at the moment.

“Next month.”

They say life comes at you fast. Right now, Maya doesn’t think it’s ever come at her any faster. She stands there in the wake of Carina’s words, as Carina returns to the barn to help with Covid testing. Next month, a few short weeks away. She doesn’t know what that means. She doesn’t understand how this is happening. They are in the middle of a pandemic. The world is suffering and her girlfriend, her girlfriend is being deported back to her country of origin.

She tries to remain calm, not let the panic set in. Part of her feels the devastation right away at the thought of her girlfriend leaving her.

Carina sticks her head back in the doorway. “Maya.” She calls her name to get her moving. Maya takes a stutter step before shaking her head, pulling her shoulders back, and returning to captain mode.

It’s funny, because before Carina, when she was at work, she was always in captain mode. Nothing ever threw her out of captain mode. Old Maya would say that Carina was a distraction and that she needed to refocus on being captain and only captain. But now, new Maya, well, she still thinks that to a degree, but the action isn’t there. She knows how and when to hone that in. For the most part. It’s a tricky thing that Maya still has to work on every day. She’s trying to unlearn all the ‘bad habits’ that her father drilled into her to be the best.

The questions swirl in her head about Carina immigration status as she returns to her team. They get called out to a scene and Maya can’t stop thinking about Carina and Italy as they work to get the couple that is stuck inside a car, inside a box truck, out. Should she just go to Italy? It’s a crazy thought. She knows it’s a crazy thought. But Maya keeps thinking it. Her brain keeps returning to that thought. Is it too much? While they’ve been good in recent weeks in their relationship, is it too much? Is it a giant leap that she, or Carina, aren’t ready for? Is it overbearing or presumptuous to think that’s what Carina wants her to do? Part of the problem is Maya doesn’t know what the right thing to do is. Or what Carina would want. She doesn’t want to overstep and force herself on a situation but at the same time she doesn’t want Carina to have to go to Italy alone.

When they get back to the station, Maya raises her concerns with Andy. She tries her crazy thoughts out on Andy first before she’s going to bring them to Carina. “I can’t go to Italy.”

“Why not?”

See, there, Andy thinks Maya should go to Italy.

They talk it through, and Andy suggests she go, just at first, to help Carina settle in. Maya feels a little better with that answer. That could work. She won’t be gone too long. She won’t miss out on everything that happens at the station for a long period of time. Maya isn’t even sure how long Carina is going to be gone for. That’s the part that scares her the most right now.

She tries to leave her apprehension at the door. Maya turns. “Honey, I’m home.”


Carina is feeling better, less stressed now that Maya’s knows about her immigration status, and since she told Maya she has to go back to Italy, to help out, to spread Andrea’s ashes. That burden has been lifted. So, as they walk to the lounge to sit with Jack and Inara and Marcus, she feels better. Not on edge like she was at the beginning of the day. Carina sits in the recliner across from the trio. She fully expects Maya to sit in the chair to her left. Instead, Maya sits at her feet.

Maya had thought about taking the other chair but feels like she needs to be close to Carina right now. For Carina, and for herself. They are going to be separated in a few weeks. Carina had expressed the need for herself to return to Italy, despite the immigration issues. Maya’s not going to stop her. But she is going to soak up every possible minute that she can while she is here. The fear of the unknown is what Maya is uneasy with right now.

But there’s that little voice in her head that keeps telling her to go to Italy. Andy told her to go to Italy. Maybe she should just go to Italy. She sits on the floor, with her back to the front of the recliner, between Carina’s legs.

Maya tilts her head back so she can look up at Carina. The brunette smiles down at her and readjusts herself in the chair so that she has her right leg tucked under herself, allowing Maya a little more room to rest against the chair. Her fingers find the collar of Maya’s uniform shirt, tucking them inside, nails against her skin, holding on there.

It's a quiet, somber feel in the room. They are just waiting on Marsha after being taken off the ventilator. No talking. Until Jack starts chuckling. He tells the story about Marsha and the bird. And then she starts waking up. Which is cause for celebration and joy. Covid has taken so much from so many people that this moment feels momentous for the entire crew.

And then Maya is standing there, turning to Carina, removing her mask. “I’m coming with you.”

Carina can’t believe what she is hearing. She has to ask Maya for clarification and then Maya is nodding. She just can’t help herself, in front of everybody at station, Carina wraps her hand around the back of Maya’s neck and pulls her into a kiss, her arm moves so that it’s hooked around and she can stroke her thumb across Maya’s cheek and jaw. She just stares at Maya for a moment, unbelieving this amazing woman. Not that she doesn’t believe what Maya is saying, but that she can’t believe how amazing she is.


The Covid testing drive thru is long done. Everything has settled down. Jack and Marcus and Inara have left and gone home. Carina is in Maya’s office. She has a headache. The day has been stressful. She just wants to go home and go to sleep. Except she wants Maya more. She needs to be around her right now.

Maya comes in a little while later, bringing two meals with her. “Time to eat.” She sets a bowl in front of Carina. Nari’s spicy beef soup.

Carina can’t help but repeat Maya’s words over and over in her head. I’m coming with you.

“Were you serious?” She hasn’t thought much about it yet. The logistics, a plan, what Maya would even do in Italy.

“About?” Maya lifts a spoonful of soup to her lips.

“Coming with.” Carina ducks her head. She can’t look at Maya when Maya changes her mind after Carina tells her what Italy is actually going to be like. “It’s not going to be glamourous. It’s going to be me working all sorts of hell shifts. It’s going to be very little of us seeing each other. Are you sure?” She doesn’t want Maya to regret her decision or second guess it, but she wants Maya to be well aware of what she is getting herself into.

“I know.” Her voice full of confidence. She knows Carina needs her to be sure and confident, but Maya is having just a little bit of trouble being totally convinced herself.

Carina looks up. “Okay, then.” She starts on her soup. “Oh, this is good.”

“Right?” Maya has some more of her soup. “So, I just wanted to thank you for helping us out today. It is your day off. And you didn’t have to.” Maya wants to make sure that Carina knows she is thankful.

Carina finishes the mouthful of soup and smiles. “I was glad to, bambina. Despite my mood-“ She gives Maya a shy smiles now, she knows it wasn’t good to take her frustration out on everyone at the station today. “-It was fun being able to work here, work with you.”

Maya just grins at her with that dopey lovesick smile of hers. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen. What Italy is going to be like but she’s willing to go and help and do whatever she can. Thoughts of Italy bring her back to something Carina said earlier when she told Maya she had to go.

“I have a question.” Maya mumbles. She’s not sure she should even bring it up. Carina never brought it up before today. The Italian glances over at her with a quirked eyebrow, waiting for Maya to ask the question.

“Earlier, you said, your nonna, your uncles-“ She doesn’t finish with the rest of the sentence. Not needing to bring up that they died. Maya knows that Carina doesn’t need her too. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Carina sighs and hangs her head. She rubs her hand over her forehead, that headache still bothering her. “Maya, I-“ She knows why, it’s just hard to verbalize. “Do you ever get that feeling your problems are too much?” Carina knows Maya does.

“Yeah. But what does that have to do with this?” Maya begins to wonder if she’s the problem here. If she’s the reason that Carina didn’t tell her.

“All the things, everything that’s been going on. With Covid, at the hospital, Andrea, you and the issues with the PD-“

Maya cuts her off. “That’s not your problem.”

“No, but it has an effect. I know it’s happening. I know it’s a problem. Whether it’s mine or yours. Everything that’s been happening. And the immigration stuff.” Carina shakes her head; she feels like what she’s saying isn’t making any sense. “I didn’t want to put more things to worry about on your plate.”

“Carina.” Maya hops to her feet and rounds her desk.

“I know, Maya. I know you can handle it, or you’ll say you can handle it, but I don’t want to be that burden on you. I don’t want my too many problems to be a burden, so I didn’t tell you. I don’t want you worrying about me all the time. I don’t want you to have to think ‘is she okay, is there going to be some sort of breakdown today’. It was this other sad thing that happened. Like all the other sad things that are happening.”

“Come here.” Maya holds out her hands.

Carina furrows her brow. “I don’t need coddling.”

“Who said anything about that?” Maya smirks.

Carina puts her hands in Maya’s palms and lets Maya pull her to her feet. The captain slides her hands up Carina’s arms as soon as she’s standing and pulls her into a hug.

“Maya, I don’t need-“

“Shhhhh.” Maya whispers softly.

They stay like that for a while. Maya with her chin on Carina’s shoulder, pressed tight against her. Carina standing tall, more rigid.

“I know you are the one who has always taken care of everyone else. I know that’s a role you thrive in. I know that you don’t like anyone taking care of you or feeling like anyone has to take care of you.” Maya whispers in her ear.

Carina relaxes against Maya, finally. She’s not going to lie, it’s wonderful being in Maya’s arms, feeling nice and safe, loved, cared for. It’s a feeling that she hasn’t had in her life so it’s still foreign to her, hard to get used to.

“I wish you would have told me. I understand, though, why you didn’t.” Maya leans back a little so she can see Carina’s face. “Will you tell me now?”

“Can we go home?” Carina pouts. She doesn’t want to discuss this in public. Not like they are exposed, they are in Maya’s office, but she doesn’t feel like here is the right place.

“Sure.” Maya pulls back, away, out of the embrace. She reaches back to her desk and grabs the bowls, stacking them in one hand. She stops at Carina’s side as she passes her, tilts her chin up with a finger, and kisses her. “I’ll bring these back and then we can go home.”

Chapter 33

Notes:

Thanks for the comments and kudos and everyone who is reading this. it amazes me sometimes that so many people read this story. SO thanks.

as far as this chapter.... we pick up right were the last left off. they go home and carina talks a little about her dead relatives. then carina she has her meeting with Dr. Bailey about resigning. Then she goes to the fire station but they are out on the call at the ice rink. And at the end, maya and carina talk about why maya can't go to Italy.

Chapter Text

“Here.” Maya gets some pajamas out of the drawer for Carina. She already has her own on. When they go home Carina insisted on neatening up the kitchen. Maya knew it was a distraction or avoidance technique on the Italians part, so she went and got ready for bed, changing her clothes, washing her face.

She holds the t-shirt and shorts out to Carina. “Go put your jammies on, get ready for bed.” She ushers Carina into the bathroom.

For her part, Carina doesn’t argue or whine about Maya forcing her to get ready for bed. It’s not like she would have resisted. Carina doesn’t need to be told what to do though. She takes the clothes and turns and heads into the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face and change. She feels emotionally drained. It was a long day at the station with the Covid testing and then the news that she had to tell Maya about returning to Italy. Maya had mentioned that Carina wasn’t someone who wanted to be taken care of and Carina thinks she hit that point spot on. Like she needed to be reminded of that herself. But right now, Carina is thankful and lucky that Maya cares.

While Carina is in the bathroom, Maya hurries around the bedroom. She knows she only has a limited amount of time before the brunette returns. She goes around the room and ‘lights’ some battery powered candles. Once half a dozen are lit, she gets the lavender oil and adds a few drops to the diffuser that they recently purchased after having a discussion on ways that they can aid in calming down and relaxing lately. Maya isn’t sure if the lavender oil diffuser has helped any though. She’s a skeptic but she sets the thing up anyway. After that, Maya shuts the lights off, the candles providing a low warm glow to their bedroom.

That’s when Carina comes back into the room. She gasps.

Maya hops on the bed quickly, sitting with her back against the headboard, spreading her legs, and patting at the mattress between them. She gives Carina an inviting smile.

Carina closes her eyes for a moment, just taking it all in. The lighting, the lavender scent in the air, Maya who has done all of it while she was getting ready for bed.

When Carina doesn’t move and instead closes her eyes; Maya leans over and pulls the drawer open on her nightstand and pulls out her secret weapon. “You can’t have this if you don’t come to bed.” Maya grins devilishly.

Carina opens her eyes and shakes her head lightly at the item in Maya’s right hand. “And what if I said I didn’t want it.” She jokes.

Maya raises an eyebrow at that. “Oh really, you can’t resist this.”

She puts a knee on the end of the bed and challenges Maya. “You wanna bet?”

“A bet you’re going to lose.” Maya reaches out with her left hand. “Come here.” She needs Carina closer.

The Italian doesn’t waste anymore time and gets into position between Maya’s legs. Maya wraps her arm around Carina’s midsection as she settles back against her. There is a quick kiss to Carina’s cheek once they are both done moving about. “I love you.”

“Ti amo. I love you.” The long sigh that comes from the Italian is warranted and perhaps telling. At least as far as Maya is concerned.

“Now, are you sure about this?” Maya asks again of the item in her right hand.

“I think it is you who can not resist.” Carina teases.

Maya shrugs. “Well, you’re right about that.” She gives in and opens the chocolate Hersey bar and breaks off a piece for herself and then breaks off a piece and offers it to Carina, holding it out in front of the brunette.

Carina opens her mouth instead of taking the chocolate with her fingers. Maya laughs and places the pieces of chocolate on her girlfriend’s tongue. “Will you tell me about them?” She asks softly.

There is another long, sad sigh as Carina finds Maya’s right arm and wraps it around herself to go with Maya’s left that is already around her waist. “It was early on.” She starts on the story on her nonna and uncles.

“This information was all fed to me by my cousin, and you know how we like to embellish sometimes in our storytelling but I’m sure that all the major details are accurate.” Carina prefaces.

“I know, okay.” Maya lets her know that she gets it.

“It was early on. Not like super early but-“ Carina is just putting this all together in her head for the first time. She’s mostly just blocked it out, not thought about it until now. “I know when it was. It was when we were super swamped with Covid patients at the hospital here. When I was losing patients. When I was working crazy long shifts, working odd hours, helping out wherever I could. When it was the worst here. So I guess that wasn’t super early on for Italy. But to me it felt like it was. But to them-“ Carina shakes her head.

“Another chocolate?” Maya wiggles the bar in her hand.

Carina smiles a little. Maya just knows how to lighten the mood. Carina takes the chocolate bar from Maya and breaks off a piece for herself and then puts it in her mouth sucking on it, letting it melt on her tongue. She then breaks a piece off for Maya. “We shouldn’t have anymore or we won’t sleep.” She puts the chocolate bar back in Maya’s nightstand.

“Always so smart.” Maya squeezes her arms around Carina. “So, what happened?”

“My uncle, zio Antonio. Or zio Nio as we liked to tease him. He hated that- that-“

“Nickname?”

“Yeah, that. He said he’d rather be Tonio, or even just Americanized Tony than Nio. Anyway, I guess he got it first. They think he picked it up at work. He was one of the few people that was allowed to work because he owns a small shop. Like a corner grocery store or convenience store in this country. Those places were some of the few places that were still open so people could get food and essentials.” Carina explains. She folds her arms over Maya’s, finding her hands, her fingers, lacing her fingers between Maya’s as they hold around her. “He didn’t know he had it. And he went to go check on his mother, my nonna, to bring her groceries. He must have- I don’t know- messed it up somehow. Didn’t wear a mask, didn’t wash his hands, gave her a hug- I don’t know. A few days later he, zio Nio, was real sick. And a few days after that he was in the hospital. My mother’s brother.” She squeezes Maya’s arms, squeezing them tighter around herself.

“It’s okay.” Maya presses a kiss to her shoulder.

“No, it’s not okay, Maya.” Carina starts to get agitated. “He died. That’s not okay. He died and I didn’t tell anyone about it.” She tries to remove Maya’s arms from around her and get up but Maya holds tight.

“Stay.” Maya just whispers. “Stay here.”

Carina shakes her head from side to side. She knows she needs to do this. She knows she needs to talk about this. Carina takes a moment to try to compose her thoughts. “He gave it to my nonna. And she died. She refused to go to the hospital. So she died at home. My other uncle, Francesco, he volunteered to look after mi nonna and that’s how he got it. He stayed with her until she passed and then he let them take him to the hospital to get treatment, but it was too late for him too.”

Maya sniffles from behind Carina.

“Are you crying?” Carina tries to turn to look but Maya ducks her head and buries her face in Carina’s back, between her shoulders.

“Yeah.”

“This is why I didn’t tell you.” Carina adds.

“Because I would cry.” Maya chuckles dryly. “Gee, thanks.”

“Because it’s sad, Maya. Because everything has been so sad for us.”

“Not everything.” Maya knows, and she knows Carina knows, that not everything has been sad. “You moving in wasn’t sad.” She nuzzles her nose against Carina’s right shoulder.

Carina sighs. “No, you’re right about that. But I didn’t want to bring more sad here. I didn’t want to bring sad home with me from the hospital. I didn’t want to bring sad in from Italy. I just didn’t want it. So I didn’t talk about it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“Don’t be sorry, my love.” Maya presses a kiss to her shoulder. She tilts her head and stares at the side of Carina’s face. She moves her right hand, placing it over Carina’s heart. “You don’t have to deal with your sad all by yourself. Or feel like it’s not warranted or allowed. Here, in this room, I like to think of this as our safe space. Where no matter what happens, it’s just you and me and whatever we are dealing with that day. Together. Or separately, but together, but in this room. You asked to come home. This is what you meant, right? To sit in this room. To feel safe and then be able to talk about your family.” Carina nods. “Okay, good, I’m glad I got that right.”

Carina chuckles a little. “You get so much right, bambina. So much.” She doesn’t think she’s ever felt so seen by someone the way that Maya sees her.

“Your family sounds amazing. Taking care of each other like that. Even though-“ Maya doesn’t want to leave that thought on a sad note. “They sound lovely.”

“Thanks, bella.”

“Now. Shall we sleep?” Maya releases Carina and presses her hands to the mattress on either side of her hips. “Or do you want to tell me more?”

“Not today.” Carina doesn’t know how much more sad she can go through in one day. “But this was nice. Not the part where I talked about my dead relatives but the candles and the lavender. Thank you, bambina.” Carina turns, finally looking back at Maya.

Maya can see the tear tracks on her cheeks. “Oh, love.” She reaches up and wipes at Carina’s cheeks with her thumbs. She didn’t know Carina had been crying. They must have been silent tears. “Come on, let’s get some sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

“I hope so.” They lay down and Carina nuzzles up against Maya’s side, her head on her chest. “How do you feel about going to Italy?”

Maya rubs her hand up and down Carina’s back. “Not today.” She uses Carina’s words from before and presses a kiss to the brunette’s head. Maya thinks they need to only focus on one thing at a time. First, this conversation about Carina’s family. The travel to Italy and all that’s going to entail can come tomorrow or the next day.


“I need to sign all my patients over to the other OB’s, I need to clean out my office, but first I need to talk to Dr. Bailey about resigning.”

“Okay.” Maya is folding laundry at the end of the bed, the basket on the mattress next to her.

Carina is in the bathroom. “I just don’t know how to even start that conversation. I set up an appointment with her for the day after tomorrow but how does that even go?”

“I’m sure she’ll understand. There’s nothing you can do about your immigration thingy, right?”

Carina rolls her eyes. Glad that Maya can’t see her. “No, there’s nothing I can do about my visa or it’s status right now.”

Maya nods. “She’ll understand.” She doesn’t really enjoy this conversation. Because it means that when Carina quits her job that her leaving to go to Italy is solid, it’s real, it’s happening. Maya’s not dumb, maybe a little naïve, but not dumb. She knows it’s going to be difficult. She knows her going is going to be difficult. They haven’t talked about it yet, but Maya thinks the idea is for her to go with Carina. For like a week and then come back. That seems like enough time to get Carina settled and help out a little and then come back to Seattle without missing too much from work. That worries her a little bit right now. The situation with PD isn’t getting any better. Miller and his lawsuit against PD have only made things worse. Maya fully supports her firefighters, but she wishes that things weren’t the way that they are right now. The timing is terrible.

Carina comes in and puts her hand on the small of Maya’s back, placing a kiss on her cheek. “I’m going to have tea before bed, do you want some?”

“No thanks.” Maya tries to keep her anxiety at bay. She doesn’t need Carina worrying about her right now. She’s worried about PD, and this upcoming trip to Italy. She’s worried about Carina and how long she’s going to be gone. She’s worried about their relationship while they are away from each other. She can feel everything simmer there, just beneath the surface.

“Are you going to see your family while you are in Italy?” Maya calls through the apartment.

Carina shows up back in the door, leaning against the doorframe. “I doubt it.” She folds her arms across her chest. “I’ll be busy. And most of them don’t live near Paolo Calvino. I’ll see Gabriella though. She’s there.”

“Oh.” Maya didn’t know that.

Carina smirks. “Now don’t get all jealous on me, bambina. My eyeballs are only for you.”

Maya laughs at that, releasing some of the anxiety. “You’re funny.”

Carina hums and comes over. She wraps her arms around Maya from behind. “I’m glad you think so.” She presses her lips to the side of Maya’s neck, kissing her lightly.

“That tickles.” Maya squirms.

“I could do it harder. Then it wouldn’t tickle.” Carina husks in her ear, her hands roaming Maya’s stomach and sides.

Maya moans at the touch. “I’m trying to- do the laundry.” She cranes her neck to give Carina better access though.

“I see that.” Carina kisses her hard on the neck, cupping Maya’s right breast.

“Carina.” Maya closes her eyes and moans. She almost hates that she’s always so responsive to Carina’s touch, to the feel of her hands on her body, the lips on her neck. It’s like she can never get enough. It’s not a bad problem to have though, Maya thinks.

Carina kisses along Maya’s neck, to her ear, taking the lobe between her teeth. “Finish the laundry.” She husks and steps away from Maya. Just then the kettle on the stove starts to whistle. “Perfetto.” Carina chuckles and exits the bedroom.

Maya hangs her head with a soft groan. She shakes her head wondering how she got so lucky to be with this amazing sex goddess that is inside Carina. She wonders if it will always be like this or if that feeling will fade with time. That as time goes on, as they grow older, the feeling of wanting each other all the time will fade or go away. Part of her hates that she has to question or second guess everything. Maya wonders why she can’t just live in the here and now and be happy with that. That’s what Carina does. Why can’t she be like that? Why does she always have to think about every little thing and analyze and overanalyze everything? She shakes her head trying to shake of the thoughts.


Carina scheduled her appointment with Dr. Bailey for first thing in the morning. Or well the first available time that Dr. Bailey has open on a typical morning. She wanted it that way so she could get it over with and not feel anxious about the meeting all day.

Except, she’s sat in Dr. Bailey’s office waiting for her and Carina feels nothing but anxiety. It’s reminiscent of the very first time she met with Dr. Bailey and discussed her research with her and was looking for an opportunity to do that research at Grey-Sloan. She wonders if she was just as anxious back then. She knows she was. Carina always is when it comes to talking with a superior about a career related topic. She knew back then that Dr. Bailey had a reputation. For both as a strict no nonsense doctor and teacher but also a reputation as a surgeon that proceeded her. She was respected, renowned. There is a certain intimidation factor involved because of all that.

And today, she feels like she is letting Dr. Bailey down somehow. The Chief is going to be losing a doctor at her hospital. Not just someone who came here to do research. A practicing doctor who is a part of her team, during a global pandemic when everyone is stretched beyond their limits.

Part of her wonders if Dr. Bailey already knows. She doesn’t know what or who Maya told what about her visa expiring. She has a suspicion that Andy knows. But does Ben know and did he tell his wife. Carina wouldn’t be surprised by that at all. Maybe Ben knows but didn’t mention anything to his wife. He is loyal like that. It’s not his news to tell.

Carina can’t ponder on it anymore as Dr. Bailey walks in the room.

“Dr. Bailey, good morning.” Carina stands. She waits for Miranda to sit down before retaking her seat herself.

“Good morning, Dr. DeLuca.” She folds her hands together on the desktop. “What do I owe this pleasure? More crazy female orgasm research that you’d like to do?” She jokes.

The joke doesn’t land. Carina frowns. “No, actually.” She looks nervously down at her hands. “I need to resign. Effective immediately. Or as immediately as possible.” She looks up and over at Bailey. There is a look of shear confusion on the chief’s face. “I need to go back to Italy.”

“Need or want?” Dr. Bailey is upset that a doctor is bailing on her. “I know it’s difficult there but it’s difficult here too with the Covid.”

Carina shakes her head lightly. She isn’t wording this correctly. She takes a deep breath and tries again. “My visa is expiring. I have to go back to Italy. I don’t really have a choice. Immigration is shut down and-“

“Dr. DeLuca, why didn’t you just start with that?” Dr. Bailey smirks a little, folding her arms over her chest. “You’ve been one of my best doctors, most consistent, most professional, always here, always ready for whatever.” Miranda isn’t happy to lose one of her best doctors but if there’s nothing that can be done about the visa situation then she doesn’t have a choice. “Wait. Why resign? Are you not coming back?”

Carina sighs. “I want to come back. I have- there are important- Seattle is-“ She tries to hold her emotions in check. “I just don’t know what’s going to happen. It might be weeks, or months, or longer. That time period is not determined. I don’t want to leave you and the hospital in limbo. And if I can’t get my visa renewed, and I can’t return, then that’s not fair to you.” Carina knows that Dr. Bailey will need to find someone to fill her position in the next few weeks. “I would like to work this week on switching my patients over. Calling them all and letting them know what’s going on. And then after that-“ She shrugs.

“Be done.” Dr. Bailey says with finality. “Well.” She claps her hands and stands up. “Dr. DeLuca, Carina-“ She holds out her arms as she rounds the desk. “You came here under unusual circumstances but have become an integral part of this team. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you or that wonderful personality. You are an asset. Any hospital will be lucky to have you. And I mean this, truly, I’m going to miss you.” She pulls Carina in for a hug even though she knows they shouldn’t. It’s a quick one. She pulls away with a little sniffle. “And Andrew was-“ She shakes her head and closes her eyes. “How am I losing two DeLucas in a matter of a month.” The tears start though, and Dr. Bailey can’t get them to stop. “Oh, it's not fair.” She wipes at her eyes.

“No, don’t cry. It’ll be alright. I’ll be alright.” Carina starts crying too. “You have given me an opportunity here, and for that I will be forever grateful. And because of that I have done some very important research and helped a lot of people in Seattle. I have also met some amazing people. Like yourself, and your husband, all his co-workers. They are like my family now. After Andrea-“

“Bishop.” Dr. Bailey whispers as the realization hits her.

Carina grins, cheeky. “Oh yeah, and Captain Bishop.” She chuckles a little. “Maya is-“ She sighs. She doesn’t know what Maya is. Well, she does but she doesn’t know how to describe it. Maya is amazing. Simply put. And maybe that’s a good summary.

“She is coming with me. For a little bit, to help me get settled. Which is a little silly. It’s Italy. It’s my home but- it’s- it- doesn’t really feel like it anymore. So, maybe it’s not so silly. I think she wants to do it because she’s afraid. Which is understandable. There’s a little bit of me that’s afraid too. I’m mostly scared about the time. How much time it could take to get back here, to Seattle, to her.”

“Aww.” Miranda holds her hand over her heart. “That’s so-“ She hums.

Carina rolls her eyes. “Anyway-“ She doesn’t really feel like talking about Maya or the trip to Italy. “-I have to go back to Italy. And I don’t know when I will be back.” She shrugs. That’s the basis of it.

“Wow, I wish you the best of luck Carina. I really do. It’s a tough position to be put in. Only made worse by Covid.”

“Well, if there is a bright spot, I’m hoping to help out the community where I did my residence. At least I can do that much.”

“See, that’s why you are such an asset.” Dr. Bailey pats her on the arm. “What’s the rest of your day like?”

“Well, I was hoping to go over to the firehouse.” She feels like a little kid under Miranda’s watchful eyes. Like she’s asking permission to go see her girlfriend.

Miranda grins. “Get out of here.” She waves her off. “Go find your girl. Tell her you quit your job.”

“She already knows. But yeah-“ Carina feels that anxiety again surrounding the uncertain future.

“Come back tomorrow and start getting things sorted out. I won’t schedule you past the end of this week but you are free to come and go as you please until you have to leave.”

“Thank you Dr. Bailey.” Carina stands up. “You’ve really done so much for me. I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough.”

“No need. Just go. Before you make me cry again.”

Carina bites her lip a little. “Sorry about that.” She chuckles, awkward.

“Go. Go find Bishop. And if you see my husband, tell him I say hi.”

Carina grins. “I will. Thank you.” She spins on her heels and is gone in a flash.

Dr. Bailey is left standing in her office shaking her head. She feels for the Italian and everything that she’s gone through in recent weeks and months, it can’t be easy. Carina is still standing though, and she knows it’s a testament to the people in her life, the people she has surrounded herself with. The same people that Miranda has the pleasure to call her family too. The people at the hospital and maybe more so for the both of them, the people at the fire station.


Carina leaves the hospital as soon as she’s done with Bailey. It’s not that she doesn’t want to be there right now but there are other places, people, she wants to see right now. Her priorities have shifted. Sure, she has to pack up her office and transfer her patients, but she has a few days to do that, with Dr. Bailey’s blessing.

In the past, Carina quitting a job and moving wasn’t ever a big deal. It was something she did when she needed inspiration or felt bored with her life in a certain place. She picked up and moved and looked for a new adventure, a new challenge, a new inspiration.

Now. The thought would never enter her mind. When Carina first got to Seattle it wasn’t supposed to be permanent. It was supposed to be to keep an eye on Andrea, see how he was doing, and hopeful do her research. But things change. Carina never would have imagined Seattle feeling like her home when she first showed up but now it does. It feels like the place where her people are. She has family back in Italy, but she has a family here now too.

Her movements lead her to that family. She arrives at the station and Ben buzzes her in. She looks in the captain’s office for Maya but doesn’t see her. Ben tells her they are out on a call. She’s a bit disappointed. She wanted to tell Maya how it went with Dr. Bailey. She feels a little loopy right now. She just quit her job, the future is uncertain, and it makes her head spin a little. She was hoping to see Maya so she could help ground Carina, stabilize her emotions. She gets that from Maya now; this sometimes overwhelming sense of safety, security, the grounding presence that she is.

Instead, she gets Ben. He is great. He’ll listen and maybe understand as a physician but he’s not Maya. They talk about her resigning and returning to Italy. He thinks he understands when Carina says Italy doesn’t feel like home anymore. He explains how he started out at UCLA and how that was his birthplace in medicine. It’s not what Carina needs to hear though she understands his point of view and how he is trying to sympathize with her. It’s kind and generous and he is a good man, but - he’s not Maya.

Then the pregnant couple arrives at the station and Carina’s medical training and need to help kick in. She pushes her concerns and anxieties to the back of her mind for now. She puts on a face shield and gown and gloves and helps Ben assist the couple into the station.

At the scene, at the ice rink, Maya doesn’t have any idea how to safely put out the fire on the rogue ice resurfacing machine. She tries not to allude to that to her team. She tells them her best plan of attack for now until she can think of something better.

One of the problems is, Sullivan questions Maya’s authority while she’s trying to figure everything out. He doesn’t overtly undermine her but doesn’t comply with her instructions the way she would like. She’s gotten the sense now for a long time that Sullivan doesn’t like being bossed around by a woman. That’s pretty clear to her. He asks her who is going to be in charge of the station when she goes to Italy. She’s shocked that Andy told him that she was thinking of going to Italy and tells him that she hasn’t decided yet. She’s irritated that he’s asking her this during an active fire. His head clearly not of the fire but more focused on getting her job. That’s clear to her. She doesn’t say anything but files it in the back of her mind for now, trying to refocus on the fire.

Maya comes back to the shock of seeing Carina on the floor in the barn, between a woman’s legs. The woman clearly pregnant and in the middle of giving birth. Maya jumps into action when Carina tells her to. She holds the newborn baby as she watches Carina work on the woman in awe at the way her girlfriend handles this situation as if it’s nothing. Maya knows if it were her by herself, or her with one of her team, she would be panicking.

Carina smiles over at Maya. Thinking that it is amazing that she gets to do this in Maya’s fire station. That she gets to be here to help, to do this, like it was meant to be. She knows it’s not Maya’s station only but it’s amazing that she gets to be a part of Maya’s team. A part of the fire family that Maya has told her so much about. It gives her a sense of welcoming. Or sense of home. A sense of finding a place in life. Even though Italy is calling. She knows she’s going to come back here, to Seattle, to this place.

They wash up in the bathroom. Maya realizes she can’t go. Because of Covid and the PD tensions. But also, she knows if she leaves, Sullivan is going to take her job and she might not get it back. He is Andy’s husband and Andy is her best friend, but she’s struggling really hard with finding any love for him right now. He just rubs her the wrong way. And now today, him coming for her job. That was the last reason she needed to know she couldn’t go. The whole time there’s been this nagging feeling. Maya wants to go. She wants to be there for Carina, but she feels like there’s too much to risk if she does that. She’s been putting Carina before her job, before her career, for weeks now. It feels like a selfish thing to do, to say she has to stay, but Maya feels like that’s what needs to happen. She just hopes Carina will understand.

Carina knew Maya wouldn’t go to Italy with her. She knew from just about the beginning when Maya said she would go. She knew Maya couldn’t leave her job without risking her career. She understands that but is still a little disappointed that Maya is choosing her job over her. She can’t blame her though. If she were in Maya’s place she would probably make the same choice.

“We’ll be okay. I’ll be back before you know it.” Carina draws closer to Maya. “I’ll be back.” She presses into Maya for a soft kiss.

“Promise?” Maya whispers before Carina can kiss her.

Carina nods, bringing her hand up to her neck, stroking her thumb over Maya’s cheek, finally kissing her. “Prometto. Tornerò.” (I promise. I’ll be back.)

Maya leans against Carina, slipping her arms around her waist. “Are you done in here?”

“Si. Perché?”

“Lets go to my office.” She takes a step back from Carina, waiting for the brunette to gather her belongings before walking out of the bathrooms together.

They get to Maya’s office, and she flops down in her desk chair, feeling a little more secure in the office than the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” Carina asks.

“Other than everything.” Maya sighs, being dramatic.

Carina nods. “What haven’t you told me? Did something happen today?” She knows Maya is holding something back. She knows it’s because she doesn’t want to add more to their problems or that it’s something to do with her reasons why she can’t go to Italy. Carina rounds the corner of the desk, pushing Maya’s chair back.

Maya watches Carina’s every move, biting her lip, trying to keep from saying something.

Once there’s enough space between the chair and the desk, Carina has a seat on Maya’s lap, wrapping an arm around the back of her neck. Maya’s hands automatically find Carina’s waist and she rests her head on Carina’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to make this about me.” Maya worries.

“It’s not, Maya, it’s about us.” Even though Carina has no idea what Maya is referring to. She can only assume that it has something to do with her visa and having to return to Italy.

“Sullivan.” Maya mumbles and looks down. “Do you know what he said to me today?”

Carina shakes her head and sucks her bottom lip into her mouth.

“It was during the middle of our call. Which was a first for me actually. An ice resurfacing machine, unmanned, on fire, driving around the ice rink. Anyway, not the point, but I was trying to figure out how to handle the situation and he came up behind me and ask who was going to take over the station while I was in Italy.”

“Oh, dio mio.” Carina shakes her head.

“I know, right. I knew in that moment. Well, two things went through my head. One, Andy told him about a conversation I had in private with her about my concern about traveling to Italy. I was looking for advice. But that’s another issue all together and not really something that I want to address right now. But the second thing was that this man, this man, is coming for my job. I knew in that moment and that was the final thing that made me realize I couldn’t leave. Because as soon as I do, he’ll take my job. How fucked up is that?”

“Very.” Carina moves her arms so that her hand is on the back of Maya’s neck, rubbing the skin of her neck and shoulders. “What are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do without making a bigger deal about it. Nothing other than stay here and keep an eye on my position. I’ve never felt like it was in jeopardy until now. I know everything should be about you right now but this-“ Maya groans. Her head is a jumble. There’s so much going on and so much to think about and Maya knows the focus should be on Carina and getting her ready to go to Italy. And she knows she’s being selfish, and she can’t help it. She just wants to be a good girlfriend but sometimes it seems so hard.

“Don’t worry about me right now. We have time. I have three weeks before I need to leave. There’s time. Today we can focus on what happened today only. That I quit my job and that Sullivan seems to have ulterior motives.” Carina continues with the neck massage.

Maya closes her eyes. “I love you.” She plays with the fabric on Carina’s shirt between her thumb and index finger of her right hand.

Carina leans back a little. “Look at me.” She waits until Maya does. “I love you.” Carina seals her words with a kiss.

Maya nods and returns to her previous spot, with her head resting on Carina’s shoulder. They sit like that for quite some time, silently. Each just sitting in their own thoughts, hands caressing or touch the other the entire time though. A soft, intimate moment shared in the chaos of a fire station.

“You should go home.” Maya whispers.

“You trying to get rid of me, bambina?” Carina jokes.

“No, but you’re making me sleepy. With your magic hands.”

Carina laughs. “Okay.” She moves to get up.

Maya grips her around the waist, holding her there. “No wait. One more kiss.”

Carina giggles. “You are too cute.”

Maya stops, halfway to a kiss. “Don’t call me cute.”

“But you are.”

“I am not.” Maya puts her hands on the arms of the chair and puffs out her chest, a serious look on her face.

“Now you are being goofy.” Carina giggles at her some more.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Fine. But don’t you ever call me cute in front of other people.”

“I can’t make any promises, but I will try.” Carina smirks. “Baciami, bambina.” She hooks finger into Maya’s collar at the front of her shirt and pull her in for a kiss. “My sexy, sexy captain.”

Maya hums. “Mmm, Carina.”

“I know. I have to go. I just came to let you know how it went with Dr. Bailey and look what happened.” She chuckles a little.

“Crazy.”

“Crazy.” Carina agrees, patting her hand against Maya’s chest above her badge before she gets up.

“Let me walk you out.” Maya follows her.

Carina leaves with one more brief kiss at Maya’s office door and an exchange of I love you’s. Maya watches her exit the station with a content smile. Things are crazy but she feels happy about her relationship. It brings a sense of stability and normalcy to her currently hectic life.

She jogs up the stairs comes into the lounge where everyone is around the tv, looking at what is happening in Minneapolis. She stares at the tv and knows this doesn’t mean good things for her or her team involving the police situation. She then takes in the crew. All their faces, their reactions and realizes that there’s no way that this is going to be good for them.

Chapter 34

Notes:

a day late but here is the next update.
-takes place over 4.12 and then after
-Because I feel like in 4.12 there was more to the first conversation Maya had with Carina on the phone. There’s no hellos. There’s just You’re bold and youre trying. So something before that something after that, that was edited out perhaps. So i added to that.

Chapter Text

Maya gets home at her usual time. It’s quiet in the apartment and Maya wonders if Carina is still asleep. She doesn’t have to go to work early so she figures she probably is. Maya had text her last night after she found out about the happenings in Minneapolis and the death of George Floyd. Carina hadn’t heard yet, so she told her to turn on the news. If she knows Carina like she thinks she does then she knows Carina probably stayed up late watching the news, looking up information on her phone or laptop, learning and educating herself about the situation.

It's one thing Maya has learned about Carina. If she doesn’t know something, especially something specific to the United States, then she will sit down and educate herself on that subject. Which is a bit nerdy but in Maya’s opinion nerdy is good. The ability to educate oneself on a subject, to admit that you don’t know what you could about a subject, to want to better yourself on that subject is very sexy. Or maybe it’s just that Maya finds Carina’s intelligence and willingness to learn, anything, exceptionally sexy. Her sexy girlfriend with her big smart brain, worldliness, her use of multiple languages is very sexy indeed.

She quietly pushes the bedroom door open and sees Carina still asleep. Maya’s breath catches at the sight. Her girlfriend, laying on her side, one hand tucked up under her chin, the other wrapped around a pillow, Maya’s pillow, against her chest.

She kicks her shoes off near the bedroom door, sliding them out of the way with her foot so no one trips on them and makes her way across the room. Maya doesn’t bother with the covers, instead she lays down on top of them, gently pulling that pillow away from Carina. In her sleep, Carina lets it go but a little wrinkle forms between her brows. Maya leans in closer, so her body is inches away from Carina’s. She leans in until her lips can press to the little furrow, kissing the spot before pulling back a little to look at Carina’s face. The wrinkle stay there so Maya reaches up and rubs her thumb over it, smoothing it out.

That’s when Carina shifts, the touch waking her. “Maya?”

“You better not be calling anyone else’s name in our bed.” Maya jokes lightly. Carina frowns at her words. “Okay. No jokes this morning.”

“It’s not appropriate after last night.”

“I know.” Maya runs her hand over the side of Carina’s head, dragging her fingers through her hair.

“How was last night?” Carina asks, rolling onto her back, finally opening her eyes.

“Rough. I felt so out of place. My team, my crew – they’re- I could see them struggling. No one would admit it if you asked. I think everything is too fresh yet, but you could see in Ben’s eyes, in Vic’s the emotion. What emotion? I’m not sure. I felt it too. To see that, to see a human being be killed like that-“ Maya doesn’t know what to say really. She sighs, knowing the next thing she says isn’t going to be right. “Why can’t anything be easy right now?”

Carina holds her arm out, inviting Maya in for a cuddle. “It’s not about you.” She says as Maya tucks into her side, head on her shoulder, arm bent, hand over Carina’s heart.

“I know it’s not. I just feel that way.” Maya runs her index finger back and forth across Carina’s chest.

“It’s okay to feel that way but it’s not about you.”

“But it effects all of us.”

“It does.” Carina agrees.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“About?”

Maya scrunches up her face. Is Carina not understanding this? “My team. I’m not- not- black. I don’t know what that’s like. I’m not going to pretend like I do. That’s not right. There’s going to be emotions from them that I can’t and won’t understand. I want to support them. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know an appropriate way to do that.”

Maya pushes herself up onto her elbow, so she is hovering over Carina. “My team is half, more than half- Me and Jack are the white people. And it’s crazy because usually it’s the other way around but we are the minority. Our station is-“

“Diverse.” Carina finishes.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t see any of them as anything other than my friends, my firefighters so it’s such a foreign concept that there could be racial issues within a workplace or society. But it exists. As we’ve seen on tv. As the country has been divided more and more in recent years. These racial tensions are coming to the forefront. And I guess it’s my white ignorance but it’s not something I’ve really put much thought or effort into. How do you feel about it?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around how someone could be so cruel to another person, so much so that they kill them. No matter the situation. And I’m still learning about this country and I’m finding that there is a lot that I don’t know. Like you, I feel ignorant. Racial injustice and inequality isn’t something I’ve ever really been around or dealt with or even I don’t know, what’s the word-“ Carina runs her hand up and down Maya’s arm. “I know it exists, but it has never been a my problem. It was always someone else’s problem. Or I felt like it was someone else’s problem. And maybe that’s part of the problem. Not enough white people, or not even white, just there aren’t enough people standing up for black folks. I’ve faced prejudice and being profiled so I know what that is like. I know that feeling. So, I more than understand that part of it.”

“You have?” Maya scrunches up her face.

“Si.” Carina chews on her bottom lip. “I have an accent. I’m an immigrant. I’m not from this country. People hear it when I speak, and they know. They might not know where I come from, but they know it’s not from here. There are dirty looks. Some people mumble things under their breath. Others will turn away from me or put more distance between themselves and me.”

“Why- why haven’t you told me this?” Maya’s head spins. Is it really that difficult for Carina to live in this country?

Carina shrugs. “It’s not something you just bring up. And it doesn’t happen that often.”

“I haven’t ever noticed it.” Maya mentions. She tries to recall all the times they’ve been out in public and can’t remember anything like what Carina is describing as happening.

“My point exactly.” Carina finds Maya’s hand, locking their fingers together, palm to palm. “But it does happen. I think the worst time was-“ Carina swallows thickly. “Was-“

“It’s okay. You don’t have to- if you don’t want to.”

“No. I need to.” Carina takes a deep breath. “When Andrea and I were in the train station. We were speaking in Italian. A guy heard us and made a comment about how we got in this country and that we, as Italians, were all carrying the coronavirus. Then a lady sitting across from us on the train heard us speaking in Italian and she clutched her bag closer to her chest before getting up and moving to a seat on the other end of the train from us so, yes, I’ve been profiled. It happens. I understand it. I get that feeling. I know it’s not the same as your firefighters or any black person in this country, but it’s not all that different.”

“Well, now I’m learning. Wow.”

“The reasons for profiling or prejudice against someone like me or a black person might be different, but it all comes from the same underlying place. That racism is inherently the same. We need to find ways to combat that. You, tesoro, need to acknowledge your privilege. While not a male, you are still a white woman in the United States. There is a certain privilege associated with that still.”

Maya hums. “I’m realizing that now. And I don’t know why I haven’t realized that until now. Sadly, it might have something to do with my father. He always instilled in me that I was better than everyone else. Male, female, black, white. It didn’t matter.” Maya wonders about her father for a moment. Just a moment though. She knows exactly how he is reacting to the news of a black man being killed by police in Minneapolis. It makes her cringe. “He- he wanted me to be the best. No matter what. He tried to turn me into him. He tried to turn me into someone like him.”

Carina leans in and kisses Maya. “You aren’t him. You are so much better than him. You have so much love and empathy for your fellow human beings, you could never be like that. You’re a firefighter. You help people.”

“Police are supposed to help people.”

Carina hums. “You’ve got a point there.”

“What do you think I should do? For my crew.”

Carina is quiet for a few minutes. “I don’t know.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “You’re a lot of help.” She chuckles.

“Maya. I can’t tell you what to do. The same as you can’t tell them what to do or how to feel. I think you probably just should be a supportive ear. Ear? Just support them if they need it. Maybe do what you’ve done with me.”

Maya raises an eyebrow at that. “Fall in love with them?” She teases.

It gets a genuine laugh from Carina. “No. Definitely don’t do that. Create a safe space so if they want to talk or need to talk, they don’t feel threatened or pressured.”

“You’re so freaking smart.” Maya kisses her. One kiss turns into two and then three and then Maya is caressing Carina’s face, trying to gain as many little kisses from her as she can. It dawns on Maya what she should do. “I know.”

“You know what?” Carina smirks before licking her lips.

“I’ll bring in Dr. Lewis.”

“Now you’re the smart one.” Carina teases. “That might be a good idea. As long as you, and she, make it clear that no one is being forced to talk to her. It’s optional. Everyone processes things differently.”

“Yeah.” Maya sighs. She feels like maybe she is onto something now. It’s not a solution but it’s a starting point. “When do you have to go to the hospital?”

“Later. Why?”

“Cuz I’d really like to keep kissing you and if you have to get up and get ready then I don’t get to do that.” Maya pouts a little.

Carina tips her head back and laughs. “I freaking love you.”

“Good cuz I love you too.” Maya’s tips Carina’s head back towards her. “Now come here and make out with me.”

Carina doesn’t need more convincing than that as she giggles as Maya kisses her.


Carina is in the kitchen. It’s her first day where she doesn’t have to be at the hospital for any reason. Her office is cleaned out, her patients have all been transferred, everything is pretty much wrapped up.

And she doesn’t know what to do with herself to occupy the free time that she has. Carina already went for a morning walk. Maya is at work so she can’t use her as a distraction or to occupy her time. She feels more stressed out than she has been lately. Which is saying a lot because there has been a lot of stress. There are just over two weeks until she has to leave and there is a certain apprehension surrounding that. She has anxiety about leaving for Italy, about being in Italy. Now that Maya isn’t going with, it seems worse somehow. She worries about how long she is going to be gone. Everything is out of her control. It’s not like Carina is a controlling person or has to have every detail mapped out like Maya, but she needs some sort of reassurance that things will work out. And she just can’t find any right now.

So, she’s in the kitchen, cooking. She’s already on her second dish of the day. There is more food than she and Maya can eat. It’s all going to be packaged up and put in the freezer. It’s just a happy coincidence but now Maya can have all these Italian meals to eat while she is gone.


Maya is second guessing her decision to bring Dr. Lewis into the station today when she sees Miller and Sullivan angry about her bringing Diane in.

She pulls her phone from her back pocket as she gets to the rear of the engine. Maya knows what she needs. She hesitates for a moment because she also second guesses making this phone call. In the past, she wouldn’t have made it. She would have made her decision and stuck with it no matter what. She wouldn’t need a second opinion or encouraging words. She wouldn’t need someone to hold her hand or talk her through something. Maya wouldn’t need and didn’t want any of that. It made her weak, it made her less than, it made her feel like a failure.

But now, as she pulls up Carina’s contact and hits the call icon, she knows it doesn’t make her weak, it doesn’t make her a failure. Those things that her father drilled into her have been released, they are less of a burden now. Maya knows that she has someone to support her and her decisions. She has someone that she can go to, turn to, for advice or support. To just listen. Things Maya felt like she didn’t need or couldn’t have because of her father.

“Ciao, bella. Cosa sta succedendo?” (What’s happening?)

Maya sighs. “Ciao. Some of my team seem upset or mad that Diane is here. Did I do the wrong thing? I didn’t want to upset them. I just wanted to- to do something. Ya know.” She feels a little panicky as the words leave her mouth.

“You’re bold. And you’re trying. Right or wrong, you tried something today. You tried something to help.” Carina thinks that’s the most important part. That Maya is trying something, doing something to try to help.

“Thank you.”

“I love you.”

Maya rolls her eyes and blushes a little, smitten with this wonderful women who is there to raise her up. She pauses for a moment to collect that feeling.

“I love you too.” Maya is uncertain about the next thing she is going to say. “Carina, I-“

“You can call me anytime today. I will be here. Do not worry about it. I’m off work. You are not interrupting. I will answer.” She reassures Maya, that no matter what might arise she will be there.

“Thank you.” Maya sighs. “I love you.”

“Te amo, bambina. Now get back to work.” Carina jokes.

Maya grins and hangs up the call.

The second time Maya calls Carina it’s with renewed confidence. She knows what she wants to do now. She knows she doesn’t and can’t silently support her team. She has to lead, to be a leader. She has to tell her team that she supports them and their decision to protest if they so choose. She needs to make that clear to Carina too. She knows there’s a risk involved with supporting her team. Maya feels like she needs to get Carina to understand that it’s not so simple to just give them support. She knows that the chief has a close eye on her and everything that she does. She knows that one misstep could lead to further consequences for her. Maya is very aware of what is at play with PD and SFD and how everything she does is being analyzed and scrutinized by multiple people.

“Why aren’t all the brothers, why aren’t all the friends, why isn’t ever member of the police force in the streets demanding systemic change? Why?”

Maya realizes that Carina isn’t on the same page with this as she is; all while she understands Carina perspective, her point of view, her argument.

“Because it’ll take them off a track.” Maya can’t just derail her career train off its track. Can she?

Ultimately, she decides to support her team. She calls Carina once more that day.

“Hello?”

“Ciao.” Carina yawns.

“Were you asleep? Did I wake you?”

“Si.”

“I’m sorry.” Maya closes her eyes when she looks at her watch and sees that it’s quarter past ten. “I’ll let you go back to sleep.”

“No. Don’t hang up.” Carina stretches her arms over her head on the couch. She was watching some cheesy Hallmark movie and fell asleep. “I’m awake now. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to call to say that I’m going to the protest in the morning. I’ve decided. Bureaucracy be damned.”

“Good for you. Do you want me to join you?” Carina doesn’t know if she should be there or not. She doesn’t know if it’s a crew thing only or if she’s welcome.

“Of course, Carina. Of course.” Maya sighs, hating that they are talking on the phone. “You know what?” She hears Carina hums. “I’m going to hang up.”

“Maya.” Carina whines. “I told you it was-“ The phone beeps on Carina’s ear and she pulls it away from her face to see that Maya has hung up on her. “Rude.” She pouts, until the screen lights up with Maya’s face on it with a video call. “Bambina.” Carina grins as she accepts the Facetime call.

“I know it’s not the same, but I needed to see your face.”

Carina shakes her head lightly. “I probably look all sleepy and tired.” She turns her head to the side. “Are there lines on the side of my face from the pillow?”

Maya grins. “Maybe slightly but you are as beautiful as ever. Absolutely gorgeous.”

“Maya, stop.” Carina bites her bottom lip.

“I tell no lies.” She winks. “So, I’ll see you in the morning? I can text you when we are ready to go.”

“Sure.” Carina yawns.

“Go back to sleep, my love. I’m sorry I woke you. I should have checked the time before I called. I will next time.” Maya wonders how many next times there are going to be while Carina is still in Seattle. The days are dwindling down. She knows it. Carina knows it. Neither of them have brought it up yet. But it hangs over them. “I love you.”

“I love you, Maya.”

“Good night.” Maya smiles.

Carina closes her eyes. “Good night, bella.”


“I want-“ Maya starts but stops. It’s still a hard thing for her to do, to say what she wants. It seems selfish.

“What?” Carina prompts. She runs her hand up and down Maya thigh where she sits next to her on the couch.

“Can we- I know you’ve been cooking a lot lately to help with your anxiety and fears and stuff about Italy but-“

Carina puts her book down and turns to Maya. “Cosa?”

“And it helps you cope.”

“Is this about the mess I’ve been making? Because I try to clean everything up every time. Sometimes the dishes are a bit much and I leave them for the next day, but I didn’t think that was that bad.” Carina explains knowing how Maya is with her space and messes.

Maya smiles. “No. You are perfectly fine.” She learned to live with a few things laying around. It helps that they are the love of her life’s things though. If it were just one of her friend Maya would probably have more issue with their stuff laying around.

Carina raises an eyebrow. “I know what fine means. I don’t want to be fine. I will do all the dishes the same day from now on.”

“Carina.” Maya takes Carina’s hands in hers. “You are good. You are so good. I don’t mind a few dishes in the sink. As long as everything else is cleaned up.” She winks. Carina hangs her head. “I’m kidding. Come on.” She tugs on Carina’s hands, getting her to move over a little so that Carina’s left leg hangs over Maya’s legs. “No pouting.” She lefts Carina’s chin. “No sad times. Only happy. Okay?”

“Si.” Carina nods.

“Good. Now, I want us to do something together. I was thinking of cooking. Like you could teach me one of your most favorite Italian recipes. And then while you are away, I can make it myself and try to prefect it for when you return.”

“Really?” Carina tries to hide her hopeful smile but it’s no use when Maya nods in confirmation. “God, I love you.” She throws her hands around Maya’s shoulders and pulls her into an embrace. “I love that idea.”

“Let’s make a mess in the kitchen together.” Maya grins as she holds onto Carina.

And a mess it turns out to be. There is flour everywhere.

“I think there’s flour in my underwear.”

“Probably.” Carina grins. She knows there is. It was on her hands when she slid them around Maya’s waist and into her pants, grabbing her bare ass with her hands.

“It’s absolutely everywhere.” Maya looks around the room. “Is it always this messy when you make pasta?”

“Not always but I don’t always have a sexy assistant chef in the kitchen with me.” Carina wiggles her eyebrows.

“So you’re going to blame me.”

“I’m not blaming you, bella. I’m just saying.”

Maya grunts. “Can’t I just buy pasta from the store, in a box, and boil it.”

“I thought you wanted to make something authentic and something that I enjoy.” She raises a challenging eyebrow at Maya.

“I do but-“ She shuts her mouth with that. “Let’s continue.”

“And it’s so easy. Even you can do it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Maya puts her hands on her hips, offended.

“That unless it comes in a package or from a box you struggle with homemade meals.” She boops Maya on the nose, getting some flour there.

Maya wiggles her nose, trying to shake it off.

“Okay. It’s ready.” Carina gets the ‘sheet’ of dough how she wants it. “We just need to run it through the machine now to cut it into strips of pasta.”

“And then what?” Maya watches carefully.

“We throw it in the boiling water, so it cooks. Then presto, buon appetito.” Carina winks over at Maya. “Ah, si, pero today we are going to make alfredo anche.”

“So, we’re making fettuccine alfredo?”

“Si.” Carina nods. “One of my favorites. Don’t tell la mia famiglia but I like how it is here. Where you add little chickens, or shrimps, or salmon or broccolis. In Italia it’s just the pasta tossed with butter and parmesan cheese. It’s very good like that but here- The cream, the added flavor with the chicken or shrimp or broccoli.” Carina raises her hand in the air, her fingertips pressed to her thumb. She brings them to her lips, kissing them before opening her hand. “Fantastico. It’s more of a meal that way. In Italia it’s kind of a side dish or a starter.”

Maya stands there, staring at Carina in awe. She reaches out, her fingertips find Carina’s jaw, tilting her head so that she’s facing Maya. Carina grins. “Cosa?” Carina recognizes that lovestruck look on Maya’s face.

Maya pulls her into a heated kiss. Carina wraps an arm around Maya, pressing her to the counter. Her hands roam Maya’s body as her hips keep Maya pressed to the spot. She brings her hand up to Maya’s face, her thumb slipping between their lips, tugging down on Maya’s bottom lip. “You want to do this now?”

Maya groans. She really does but she wants to know about the rest of this meal that Carina is showing her how to cook. “N-no.” She pushes Carina gently away from her. “Let’s finish this first. I’m eager to see what this tastes like.” She turns around so that she is facing the counter and Carina is behind her.

“Bambina, you’ve had my fettuccine alfredo before.” Carina comes up behind Maya and presses into her.

Carina words sound like something they’re not in Maya’s mind. She shudders as Carina runs her hands down her arms, finding her hands, locking their fingers together.

“We should-“ Maya swallows thickly. “I want to learn this. For you. With you.” Her eyes close as Carina places one single open mouthed kiss to the side of Maya’s neck.

“Okay.” She decides that’s enough teasing Maya for now. “You get a pot and fill it about halfway with water. Put it on the stove and turn the heat on. I think we have broccoli so get that out and rinse it and when that water boils throw the broccolis in.” Carina runs the pasta sheet through the machine to cut it into strands as she explains everything.

“Okay. Then what?”

“We make the alfredo.” Carina finishes with the pasta and sets it aside. She gets out another pot and puts water in and starts that to boil for the pasta. She gets a pan out. “Get the butter and cream.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Carina glares playfully over in Maya’s direction. Maya has her head stuck in the fridge, so she doesn’t see it. Maya comes back with the items and Carina takes them from Maya’s hands. In exchange, she gives Maya a block of Parmesan cheese. “Grate that. We need about two cups worth.”

Maya looks from the cheese her hands up to Carina’s face. “Why-“

“There’s a reason I keep all these cheeses and vegetables and seasonings and spices just laying around.” She uses air quotes around the last three words.

“I didn’t mean it like that when I said it.” Maya pouts. Of course, Carina doesn’t forget that day when Maya was crabby and having a bad day and she knocked a block of cheese off the counter when she was making a sandwich and mumbled ‘why do we have all this stuff just laying around’.

“I’m just giving you a hard time.” Carina makes up for it with a sweet kiss. “I know you didn’t mean any maliciousness. And I appreciate you and you letting me have my stuff laying around.”

Maya rolls her eyes.

Carina puts the cream and butter in the saucepan and turns on the heat, so it can come to a simmer. She then grabs a clove of garlic and minces it up and adds it to the pan.

Maya stomach grumbles.

“Is someone hungry?” Carina laughs.

“No.” Maya lies. “That was a noise from outside.” Except her stomach betrays her by grumbling again.

“Sure it was.” Carina laughs.

Maya can’t help but smile at the sound of that laugh. It’s one of her most favorite sounds in the world. “I love your laugh. It’s so rich. So carefree.”

Carina comes up behind Maya as she’s grating and wraps her arms around her stomach. “Is that so?”

Maya nods and Carina rests her chin on Maya’s shoulder as she watches the blonde grate the cheese. “That’s probably enough.” Carina takes the cutting board with her right hand and slips it away from Maya. She adds the parmesan cheese and starts whisking everything together. “Can you get the salt and pepper?”

“Si.” Maya grins.

Carina glances over at her with a slight shake of the head. “My little Italian in training.” She mumbles under her breath but loud enough that Maya hears her.

“Here you are, my wise Italian teacher.” Maya puts the salt and pepper on the counter next to the stove. A hand goes to the lower part of Carina’s back, up underneath the bottom of her t-shirt so it’s skin to skin contact.

Carina flinches. “Oooh, your hands are cold.”

Maya smirks. “Sorry.” She’s not sorry though.

“The pasta water is boiling. Oh, so is the broccoli water. Can you add those?”

“Certamente.” Maya smirks, remember and using some Italian.

“So, you are learning some?” Carina wiggles her eyebrows while she whisks.

“I have a very wise teacher. I think I just mentioned that. But, si. You know what helps. Stuff like this.” Maya stirs the pasta into the boiling water. “I’m a visual learner. I learn best and remember best when whatever I’m learning is attached to an activity, an action. It helps me connect, the word in this case, with something I’m seeing.”

“Interessante.” Carina hums.

“Repetition helps too. The more you hear something the more likely you are to pick it up. That’s how kids learn, right. They hear stuff repeated from their parents.” Maya adds the broccoli to the water.

Carina hums, thinking about Maya and her thirst for knowledge. Any subject, any topic. Whether it’s fires, or cooking, or how to perfect working a fire hose, she is willing to learn and willing to try until she gets something right. It a very attractive quality. Whatever Maya puts her mind to she can usually master.

Maya stands behind Carina, wrapping her up in her arms. “That smells amazing. No wonder my stomach is rumbling.” She presses a kiss to Carina’s shoulder and taking a deep breath. “You smell amazing. You are amazing.” Maya mumbles.

“Maya.” Carina’s bottom lip trembles. She doesn’t know what’s happening. She doesn’t know why she’s so emotional all of a sudden. “Bam- bambina-“

“What’s wrong?” Maya comes around to Carina’s side.

“I don’t know.” Carina sets the whisk down and covers her face with her hands. “I think- this is so nice. Like- do you know what I mean?” Maya looks at her with confusion. “This. Us. Here.” She motions to the food on the stove. “Cooking. In our- in our kitchen. It’s so simple.” She sniffles, trying to keep the tears at bay. “So nice.”

“It’s easy. You and me. This. It’s nice.” Maya gets it with a little bit of an explanation now. “And?”

“And, I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss you- this- us.”

“Come here.” Maya pulls Carina into a hug. “I’ll miss it too.” She whispers and those words produce the tears form Carina.

They rock back and forth for a little bit. Carina crying on Maya’s shoulder as she clings to her. Maya rubbing her hand up and down Carina’s back and whispering gently in her ear.

“Here.” Maya moves them around so that Carina’s back is to the stove, so she can reach over and turn the heat off on the sauce and stir it so it doesn’t stick or burn.

Carina slowly peels away, wiping her face with the back of her hand. “I got your shirt all snotty.”

“It can be washed.” Maya shrugs. “Are you better?” Maya finds Carina’s eyes. The are dark with sadness and unshed tears. She reaches up, cradling the back of Carina’s head, pulling her in the kiss her cheek.

“I- that was so unexpected. It came out of nowhere.”

“You don’t have to try to explain anything away. What you feel is what you feel.” Maya makes sure to tell her.

“I ruined the rest of the day. We were going to eat delicious food and have delicious sex.”

Maya smirks. “We can still do those things if you want.”

“But I’m all crying and sad now.”

Maya runs her thumb over Carina’s left cheek. “How about we start with the food and see where that leads.”

“Maya?”

“Hmm.” Maya hums.

“There’s so much I want to do with you. Just in general, but also in the next-“ She chews on her lip. “Before I have to go.”

“Okay. We’ll do as many things as we can. I have to work most days, but I did take the day before you go off of work.”

“Bambina.” Carina starts crying again.

“I love you, Carina. And while I’m not thrilled about this, I am going to try to be positive and supportive. I know we haven’t talked about it. It’s a hard thing to talk about. But I just want you to know that I am here. For whatever. If you want to laugh, if you want to cry, if you want to dance and sing and act out a play, I’m here. If you want to go sit in the park or watch the sunset over the water, we can do that. If you want to just stay hunkered down in our apartment, we can do that.”

“You’re the amazing one.” Carina wipes at her eyes.

“How about we eat? Before my stomach protests anymore.” That gets a little laugh from Carina. “Good.”

Chapter 35

Notes:

I struggled with this one (that’s why it wasn’t posted on Monday like usual). And I’m still not sure if I got the mood, the feeling I was going for quite right.

Sexytime in the fifth section FYI

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Carina stands at the bedroom window, looking out, watching as it rains.

The plan was to go get ice cream after dinner and go to the park to watch the sunset with Maya. Now, with it raining, that can’t happen.

Maya comes into the bedroom. “What are you-“ She asks as she see Carina just standing there. But then she sees it.

“It’s raining.” She had checked the forecast and everything. So, it wasn’t supposed to be completely clear for today, but the man in her weather app said a 25% chance of rain. Carina hates when they do that. 25% what is that. That tells you nothing. 25% of what? 25% of the area has a chance of rain? There’s a 25% chance that it will be raining where you live? It’s so vague. That number too. It’s like false hope. 25% isn’t a high percentage, but if it rains where you are that an 100% chance.

And if the clouds don’t clear, it doesn’t matter if it’s not raining, there won’t be a sunset.

Carina turns her head, watching as Maya crosses the room.

“Okay.” Maya slides up behind Carina and wraps her arms around her waist from behind. “Did you want to do something else instead?”

“I wanted to do this.” Carina pouts, childlike. She puts her hands on top of Maya’s on her waist. “I wanted to go get ice cream and watch the sunset with you. It’s our thing.” They don’t always have ice cream but watching the sunset is definitely their thing.

“I know.” Maya sighs, resting her chin on Carina’s shoulder. She’s about to suggest that they just postpone until tomorrow, but she remembers that life is calling, and she has to work tomorrow. “I’m sorry.”

Carina spins around in Maya’s arms at that. “It’s not your fault, bambina.” She grabs Maya’s cheeks in her hands.

“I know, I just feel like-“ Maya shrugs. It’s been difficult trying to work through her emotions regarding Carina’s visa and her departure. She doesn’t want to complain about it, or seem ungrateful, or like she’s the one that’s struggling because she knows it’s hard on Carina too. But she is, struggling. She’s struggling to wrap her mind around everything. She’s struggling to keep her emotions in check for Carina. She’s struggling to know what to do to help, to make it easier, better. It’s a struggle.

“We should still do something this evening.” She rubs her right palm over Carina’s lower back. “Even if we can’t watch the sunset.”

She sees Carina nod in agreement. She sees Carina looking right at her, hands on her face, but she feels so distance. Her eyes don’t light up like they usually do. Her smile barely there when she does smile. Maya knows, she knows, all of this is having an effect on Carina too.

“How about we still go get ice cream after dinner?”

Carina nods and leans forward, resting her forehead against Maya’s, letting Maya pull her into a tight embrace.

“What would you like for dinner?” Maya whispers softly.

They have a whole freezer full of food thanks to Carina’s anxiety cooking. But Maya doesn’t want to touch any of that. Carina has told her more than once- that’s for when I’m gone.

The decision was made to just have whatever they could find in the apartment. Maya ends up eating a hard boiled egg and some crunchy peanut butter on toast. Carina also goes with the crunchy peanut butter but has it on two pieces of toast. No eggs, hard boiled or other.

Maya drives them. The rain hasn’t stopped, unfortunately. Carina tries not to pout about it, but this was probably one of their last opportunities to go and watch the sunset together.

“Where are we going?” Carina whines. She isn’t really in the mood to be out in public with the rain and the damper it has put on their plans.

Usually, they go to the ice cream places a few blocks from the apartment, but they have long driven past that place.

“You’ll see.” Maya reaches over and takes Carina’s hand in hers, leaving their connected hands in Carina’s lap. Carina wraps her other hand over Maya’s, holding it between her hands.

Maya finds a place to park, and they get out. “It’s a little walk. I’ve brought an umbrella though.” Maya would just forego the umbrella if Carina weren’t with her. It’s a warm summer evening. Not too cold, just damp and rainy. But she doesn’t want even a single rain drop to get on Carina.

She quickly opens the umbrella and rounds the car, holding it over Carina in ridiculous fashion. Maya smiles when her antics pull a little giggle from the Italian as she emerges from the car. She holds out her elbow and Carina wraps her right hand in it.

They walk up to the storefront. “So, I looked up this place online. I hope that’s okay. I don’t know how you feel about Italian places that aren’t in Italy.”

Carina gives Maya a curious look, a tilt of the head. “What do you- oh-“ She sees the name of the shop. “Gelatiamo.” She mumbles.

“Yeah, I looked it up. It said they have authentic Italian gelato.”

Carina just about bursts into tears on the sidewalk. She wraps Maya up in a tight hug, so tight that Maya stumbles backwards with the force, but steadies herself and wraps her arm around Carina. At Carina’s reaction, Maya second guesses her idea.

“Is this not okay?” It’s not their usual place, in their neighborhood. So, Maya doesn’t know. But she’s been thinking lately. Especially about how Carina said that she’s been profiled and judged by people while living in Seattle. And how Maya didn’t realize that was an issue and that Carina had to go through that. Maya started to realize that Carina is living in a world that, at first, wasn’t familiar to her, and second, wasn’t always accepting of her; that Carina was living in an American world; that Carina was living in Maya’s world. She’s realizing that now and Maya wants to do things to start to change that.

“È fantastico. Sei incredibile.” Carina sniffles a little.

“Okay.” Maya lets Carina lean against her for as long as she needs. “Good.”

Carina leans back after a minute, tears in her eyes yet. She cups Maya’s cheek with her right hand. “Grazie.”

Maya nods with a soft smile.

“I’m here like a blubbering idiota again.”

“You’re not an idiot.” Maya reminds her earnestly. “Just full of complicated emotions.” She jokes.

Carina grins and shakes her head. “Shall we go inside?”

Maya nods and holds her arm out for Carina to go first. Carina enters and Maya shakes out the umbrella before following her inside.

Gelatiamo doesn’t just have gelato. They are a café and have pastries and sandwiches, and even sorbet.

Of all the years Carina has lived in Seattle, she hasn’t been to this café. She thinks she remembers hearing about it from Andrea, but she had never gone. It was on the other side of Seattle from the hospital, and it never popped into Carina’s mind to navigate through the city to come here. It’s a little silly now that she thinks about it, because her and Maya come over this way to go to the park to watch the sunset, but it never occurred to her to spend the time to drive around looking for gelato. It just wasn’t important.

Until now.

Maya somehow makes the littlest things in life seem important. Like the sunset. Or authentic Italian gelato.

They get their gelato and head out. “Do you want to go see the gum wall?”

“Cosa?”

“The gum wall. It’s infamous. You’ve never heard of it? It’s only like five blocks from here. We can walk.”

“It’s raining, Maya.”

“I have an umbrella. I will keep you dry.” She jiggles the umbrella a little. “It’s a tourist spot but it’s interesting to see.” As if that sentence is going to convince Carina.

They walk a block and Carina agrees. “Since we’re out and in this area.” She shrugs.

They see the wall of chewed gum and head back towards where the car is parked.

“That was kinda gross.” Carina makes a disgusted face, then sticks out her tongue.

“But impressive, right? All that gum.”

Carina chuckles. “Si, impressive.”

They get back to the car and Maya walks with Carina all the way to the passenger’s side door, umbrella hovering over them the entire time.

“It’s fine if I get a little wet.” Carina somehow makes the sentence sound suggestive.

Maya stops as they get to the car, as she hears Carina’s words.

Carina spins on her, grabbing a fistful of Maya’s t-shirt, and pulling her into her body. She presses a kiss to Maya cheek before moving her lips to her ear. “Tonight has been amazing, bella. So amazing. Even if we didn’t get to see the sunset. But-“ She releases her hold on Maya’s shirt and runs her hand down her torso until her reaches the top of Maya’s jeans. She tucks her fingers into the top of Maya’s jeans, holding her close.

Maya squirms a little bit. “Ca-Carina.” She stutters, their proximity and Carina sexy voice already getting to her.

“I want you to take me home.” Carina whispers. “I want you to get me all wet. I want you to make sweet, slow, passionate love to me. With me.”

Maya’s knees buckle. The umbrella falters, slackening off to the side.

There is something powerful in Carina’s words. The command, the authority. It’s sexy and appealing and totally has Maya doing anything in her power to give Carina everything she wants and needs.


In the morning, the alarm goes off and Maya shuts it off immediately. She stretches out her legs under the sheet with a little grunt. She looks over at the woman next to her. The pinched together brows, the little wrinkle there that gives away that Carina is unhappy with the noise that has awoken her. Maya knows she’ll go back to sleep as soon as she leaves but it’s absolutely adorable how she looks with her grumpy little face.

Maya turns onto her side and reaches out. She runs her hand over the side of Carina’s head. She’s got to get to work. But moments like this make her not want to leave this bed. Their bed. The events of last night play through Maya’s head. Their unorthodox dinner, driving to the gelato place, Carina’s reaction, the gum wall, walking around in the rain on a warm summer night with her love. All of it. The little parts and the big parts. Everything. The way Carina pulled her in. The way she said what she wanted.

And then when they got home and spent half the night making love.

Maya had never thought of sex like that. It’s always just been sex to her. A physical act. Two people coming together to search out a release from the other. It was usually quick and a one time deal. That was the understanding of it.

But now she knows it’s so much more than that. And looking over at Carina, she knows that nothing or no one is ever going to compare to what they have. The connection that they have, physically, but more so, emotionally, is beyond what Maya can put into words. To know someone, inside and out, to know their needs, and how to fulfill them is a gift that Maya didn’t know she needed or possessed. To feel that emotional connection with Carina, to look into her eyes as she comes undone in her arms is the greatest feeling Maya has ever felt.

And that’s why it’s so hard for her to leave this bed, to go to work. Because the clock is ticking.

But she kisses Carina’s forehead with a whispered I love you and slips out of bed. Duty calls.

The thoughts that she’s been trying to keep at bay come back as she makes her way to work. Maya can’t help but feel like she should be doing more. Like they have this limited time together and they don’t know when they are going to see each other again. Maya feels like something is off. It’s not big. Just this little bit of something that isn’t sitting right with her.

She doesn’t want to say anything, verbalize her fears, because then that makes them real. The main one being that as soon as Carina gets home to Italy, that she’ll realize how much she misses it and never wants to come back to Seattle. And now that Maya knows that Carina has had difficult times living, existing, in Seattle, especially; it’s a fear that eats at Maya every single day and has been for weeks now.

But she pushes it to the back of her mind at the start of her shift.


Maya wakes up, it’s late. This is the day she’s taken off of work. The day before Carina is set to fly to Italy. She’s not sure what the day has planned for them, but she doesn’t have a plan. Maybe Carina does.

Evidently, the plan is packing.

After a late breakfast, Carina starts puttering around the apartment. Collecting little things and putting them in bags or in her suitcase. But not common sense things. Stuff like a bottle of olive oil. Or like putting sticks of butter in a Tupperware and putting them in the freezer to then put in her suitcase just before she leaves.

Maya wonders if it’s just anxiety and nerves. Italy is full of Covid and maybe Carina is worried about shopping or going out in public. But she doesn’t that stuff here is Seattle, what would be the difference? Maya doesn’t say anything though, as she keeps an eye on what is happening. Maybe it’s just something Carina does when she travels to and from Italy.

“Hey.” Maya gets Carina’s attention. There isn’t anything more depressing right now than watching Carina walk around the apartment, but not really doing anything. She’ll walk from the kitchen to the bedroom. Go through the drawers and her clothes, not seemingly making a decision on anything, and then walk back to the kitchen and do the same thing in there.

“Yeah.” Carina has her head down as she looks through the ‘junk drawer’.

“Let’s go do something, go for a walk?”

“I’m busy. I have to pack.” Carina mumbles.

“What have you actually packed though?”

Carina whips around at that. “Are you accusing me of not packing? I’m trying to decide what to bring. That’s all part of packing.”

Maya shakes her head and raises her hands in the air, palms out. “Okay. Okay. How about you take a break from that?” Maya approaches Carina slowly, she slides her hand to Carina’s back. She closes the drawer with the other hand. “You’re stressing out about this?”

“It’s a stressful time.” Carina hangs her head.

“I know.” She tips Carina’s chin up, and over, so she’ll look at her. “How about a walk? And then maybe a snack or something to eat?”

“Okay. Yeah.” Carina lets out a long breath. “Thank you.”

Maya hums. “Don’t thank me, love. You would do the same thing if I were stressing out about something.” She grins for Carina.

“I would.” Carina leans in and gives Maya a soft kiss. She takes Maya by the hand. “Let’s walk.”


“Do you want to go out to dinner?” Maya asks as they return from their walk.

Carina scrunches up her face.

“I can make a reservation.” Maya offers.

“I don’t really want to.” Carina shrugs.

“But, it’ll be our last dinner-“

“Maya, I said I don’t want to.” Carina raises her voice.

Maya takes a couple steps back, away from Carina. “Okay. We don’t have to but-“

Carina runs her hands through her hair in frustration. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to have a last walk. And a last dinner. I don’t want to have all these lasts. Do you not get that? I don’t want to. Leave it alone.” She grits out her words. “I’ll be in the bedroom going through my things. Please, just leave me alone for a little while.”

All Maya can do is nod. It feels like everything is slipping through her fingers and there’s nothing Maya can do to stop it.

Carina goes into the bedroom and closes the door. She lays down on the bed and closes her eyes, trying to collect herself, her emotions. She ends up falling asleep.

Maya, for her part, stays true to what Carina asked her. She leaves her alone. Maya sits in one of the chairs in the living room and plays Solitaire on her phone. An hour passes, and Carina hasn’t come out of the bedroom. Maya also hasn’t heard any noise coming from the room, which concerns her a little.

She gets up after another fifteen minutes and uses the bathroom. She, then, pushes the door to the bedroom open a crack. She looks around at what she can see. She doesn’t see Carina, so she pushes the door open further, finally revealing her on the bed. Carina is facing away from her, but Maya assumes the woman is asleep.

Maya sighs and hangs her head. She wishes this wasn’t happening right now. Carina leaves tomorrow night. Maya wanted everything to be good when she left. She wanted to have a fun day today. She wanted them to relax and enjoy their final hours together. Instead, they are in separate rooms, frustrated and avoiding each other.

Maya starts on something to eat for dinner. She cooks up some grilled chicken and vegetables. She’s eating at the table when the bedroom door opens. Maya turns and looks and gives a tight-lipped smile.

Carina runs her hands through her hair and returns with her own tight-lipped smile. “What are you having?”

“Chicken and vegetables.” Maya shrugs.

Carina nods and comes over towards Maya. She leans down and presses a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m sorry about earlier. I was stressed out and needed some space.”

“It’s okay. There’s a lot going on.”

Carina wraps her arms around Maya’s chest. “Am I allowed to have some of that?”

Maya chuckles. “Of course, love. I made some of both of us.”

“Thank you.” She releases her hold on Maya and points to the drink Maya has with her meal. “I’m not drinking your gross green drink though.”

Maya laughs, releasing all the tension in her body. “Well, I didn’t make one for you anyway.”

Carina smiles at that and heads into the kitchen.


They eat and Carina does some more ‘packing’. Maya watches the news. The news soothes her for some reason. All the bad things happening in the world and watching them on the news makes Maya feel good. She loves the news. She loves watching the news whenever there are big world events. She doesn’t always get a lot of time or opportunity to watch the news but when she can, she eats it all up.

“Maya.” Carina comes over. She reaches down and removes the tv remote from Maya’s hand. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Really?” Maya tilts her head, appraising Carina carefully. “I thought you didn’t want any lasts.”

Carina rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “Don’t listen to me. I’m stressed.” She holds out her hand for Maya to take. When she does, Carina pulls her up from the chair. She tugs Maya along. Not that Maya isn’t willing to follow. She would follow Carina anywhere at this point. She almost did, all the way to Italy.

Carina undresses Maya before Maya can even wrap her head around what is happening, so mesmerized by Carina and her movements.

“Woah, woah, woah.” Maya stops Carina’s hands as they are about to slip her underwear down her legs. “Let’s slow this down. If this is going to happen-“ Maya licks her lips.

“Is Maya Bishop saying no to sex?”

Maya shakes head quickly. “I didn’t say that. I never said that. This.” She motions between herself and Carina. “Needs to be mutual. Not one sided. Take your clothes off too.”

Carina laughs lightly. “Okay, bambina.”

And Carina does. Maya watches and Carina removes her clothes. And as soon as Carina catches on that Maya has her rapt attention on her she slows her stripping down. She even puts a hand on Maya’s chest and pushes her backwards until Maya is sitting on the end of the bed.

Maya bites her lip as she watches Carina sway her hips back and forth, shimmying around in front of her. She reaches back and unclips her bra, the straps sliding down her arms slowly, the cups falling away from her chest. Carina takes her bra and holds it in front of Maya’s face for a moment before throwing it on the floor.

Next, Carina slips the legging she is wearing down her legs, bending, and making a show of pulling them from her feet.

Maya groans, reaching out for Carina’s hips. She pulls Carina down onto the bed. Carina laughs, half sitting, half falling over onto the bed. “I wasn’t finished.”

“You are now.” Maya wiggles her eyes. She keeps tugging at Carina’s hips, trying to get her to move. Carina takes the hint and moves to sit in Maya’s lap, hands on her cheeks. Maya’s right arm wraps around Carina. She leans in and starts pressing kisses to her chest, anywhere her lips can reach.

Carina tips her head back, her eyes closed, reveling in the feeling of Maya’s lips on her skin. She’s so lost in the sensation that she doesn’t realize that Maya is lifting her up, and flipping them over, and placing Carina on the bed on her back. “You’re so good at that move.” She marvels at Maya’s strength and agility.

Maya smirks. “Lots of practice with you. As much as I love you sitting in my lap. I love you underneath me even more.”

Carina moans. She pulls Maya’s face from her chest, up, so that those lips are on her own. She kisses Maya hard, pulling a moan and a grind of the hips from Maya.

While Carina has a hold of her face, Maya slips her hand between their bodies, grinning into their kiss when she reaches wet hot heat between Carina’s legs. She doesn’t waste any time slipping her fingers through Carina’s folds. Carina’s hips cant up, searching for more. Maya takes that as a hint and enters her with two fingers.

Carina pulls her lips from Maya’s, throwing her head to the side, moaning loudly as Maya is three knuckles deep inside her, pumping in and out in a slow rhythm. She pulls Maya’s chest tight to her own, wrapping her legs around Maya’s hips.

Maya kisses at Carina’s neck as she works her towards her orgasm, sucking at her pulse.

“Maya.” Carina moans, her hand coming up to tangle in Maya’s hair at the back of her head. “Aaahhh.” She bucks her hips up into Maya as she comes undone.

Maya lets her lover relax and come down from her high for a little bit, softly kissing and nipping at any skin that she can reach on Carina’s neck and face. Carina finally unwraps her legs from around Maya and she grabs Maya around the ears and pulls her into a searing kiss.

“Touch me.” Maya begs.

“Oh, bambina.” Carina snakes her hand between their bodies, rubbing, stroking between Maya’s legs.

Maya’s hips jerk at the first touch, but then they settle, rocking into Carina’s fingers as they rub. “Hold-“ Maya grunts. “-still.”

“Cosa?”

Maya closes her eyes, rests her forehead against Carina’s shoulder, and arches her back some. “Don’t move your hand. Let me-“ She ruts against Carina’s fingers, getting them in the exact spot that she needs them herself, reaching her climax in mere seconds.

Breathing hard, Maya wiggles herself down the bed, lays her head on Carina’s stomach, her hands gripping at each of the Italian’s hips. Carina, for her part, runs her fingers through Maya’s hair, scratching at her head lightly. She knows she shouldn’t say it, but Maya thinks it. She’s going to miss this. Not just the amazing sex, but the moments after. The sometimes quiet, sometimes vulnerable moments following sex. When Carina will ask her-

“What are you thinking?”

Maya sighs, turning her head, pressing her lips to Carina’s soft skin. “I love you.” She looks up and locks eyes with Carina, a hint of a smile on her lips.

“I love you, bella.” Carina puts two fingertips under Maya’s chin, tilting her head a little further, stroking her thumb along the underside of her jaw.


Carina has never had this much trouble packing, for anything. She doesn’t know what to bring, how long she is going to be gone. Are the seasons going to change, does she need a whole year’s worth of clothing? She knows she could buy things in Italy, but prefers not to do that.

So, she asks Maya to help her. After yesterday and trying to avoid Maya and block her out of her preparations; she thinks maybe the better thing to do is to involve Maya in packing. At least then, Maya won’t be sitting in front of the tv again all day. She knows Maya is watching the news to focus on something else. She always knows that Maya could be doing other things, like going for a run instead of watching the news; but isn’t because she doesn’t want to leave the apartment, doesn’t want leave Carina’s side.

Maya tries to stay focused on the conversation, but she watches as Carina wraps up some knives in a dish towel and uses some excuse that she doesn’t want a lot of deliveries coming to the rental. Maya thinks it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever seen.

“How long are you planning on staying?” Maya pushes herself off the doorway and takes a few steps into the kitchen. The things that Carina is packing would indicate a long term commitment, staying in Italy for months. It’s also the most depressing thing to witness. Knives, one set of dishes. One of this, one of that.

She knows what would solve all of this. Maya knows Andy told her not to do it, but Maya can’t help but think that if she just proposes then all of this nonsense will go away. She’s ready. Well, not ready to propose, but ready enough.

There isn’t anything that Maya is surer of in this world than her love for Carina. Here they are and everything is breathing down Maya’s neck, that if she just does it, then maybe, they can breath for a little while. That it won’t be this big suffocating thing that Carina has to leave with no return date.

There is a pause in the conversation and Maya is about to bring it up. “Carina, I-“

“So, you never came out to your parents?”

Maya wishes she hadn’t brought that up a few minutes ago. The question gets her off track. The thought and opportunity to bring up marriage slipping away. But she finds a way to bring it back around. “Honestly-“

She wishes Carina would just stand still until she gets through everything she wants to say. She’s supposed to be the anxious, rambling, pacing one.

“Until I met you, I think a part of me always assumed I’d end up marrying a man.”

“Really?”

“But now I’m-” Maya is going to do it.

But then Carina cuts her off and goes on about how Maya’s dad forced her into certain ways of thinking. And again, Maya is frustrated that she just can’t get out what she wants to say. She just wants to stop Carina and say ‘listen, we could get married and end all this nonsense’. Maya feels like that’s where they are headed. Maybe not this soon, but at some point in the future Maya sees them married.

“-I never want to get married.”

Carina says it so casually that Maya can’t believe the words came out of the Italian’s mouth.

“You don’t want to get married?” Maya has a hard time believing that.

“Oh no, I don’t believe in it.” Carina carries on with her ridiculous packing, leaving Maya standing there in shock.

“Oh!”

She also can’t believe that Carina doesn’t believe in marriage. That totally ruins her plan to say ‘let’s get married’. Carina doesn’t want to get married. She doesn’t sound like she wants anything to do with it. That was the one option that Maya thought of that would prevent Carina from leaving for an extended period of time. It’s like a mini screw you to Maya’s plan. And now she feels like she’s an idiot for not knowing this about Carina.

Notes:

Okay, so 4.14 is my favorite episode, despite what a mess it is as far as the writing goes. As if Maya and Carina don’t have enough issues going on the writers decided to throw a whole bunch of new issues at them. Nonsense for the most part. But what do you do with shitting writing. The acting in the episode from our main ladies was fabulous and compensated for the terrible writing. And to be honest here, I’m having a bit of trouble trying to write around the episode like I usually do. So hopefully this chapter and the next are up to snuff.

Chapter 36

Notes:

Again, like the last chapter I struggled with how to write in addition and around what happened in the episode. Hopefully it’s not disjointed. Also, posting again on a Monday. And hopefully will be able to post on every Monday moving forward.
Thanks for reading, the comments, kudos, and love. Much appreciated.
Enjoy.
PS. Sexytime involved. You know where. (On the floor…)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Carina is talking on the phone to Gabriella. It’s starting to really irritate Maya. This is the second time today that it’s happened. They are supposed to be spending their final hours and minutes together and here Carina is talking on the phone to her friend who is in Italy, at the place that she is soon going to be, the place that they will be together. Here Carina is spending the few precious moments that they have left spending that time talking with Gabriella.

So, she says something about it. She knows it’s stupid and petty but she’s feeling neglected and like Carina is already gone, already in Italy, even though she’s literally standing right in front of her.

And talking about Gabriella evolves into talking about Carina’s visa and how she should have known it was expiring months ago. And that turns into Carina blaming Maya for not being supportive, for not understanding the visa issues.

Maya is at least guilty of not understanding how immigration or visa work. Or putting in any effort to try to understand. So, Carina is right to call her out on it, but maybe not fair to be doing it right now.

“So, it’s my fault that I was born here?”

“No one is talking about fault.” Carina tries to get this point across to Maya. She’s trying to say it’s not Maya’s fault just as much as it isn’t her fault that this is happening. It just is. And they have to try to deal with it.

“This- this is the problem with this country. The borders, the division, the walls. This is the-“ Carina sighs as she sees Maya checking out of the conversation, argument. She just looks around the room, has stopped listening and Carina knows why. She knows it’s because she’s raised her voice. She knows it’s because she animated, and her hands are doing the talking along with the words. She knows.

“I’m sorry.” She looks over at Maya but Maya refuses to look at her. “I feel crazy. I go from feeling totally empty to feeling everything at once. I’m sorry, bambina.”

“It’s fine.”

“I know that when I am excited it seems like I’m yelling but I’m not yelling- I’m not yelling at you, bambina. It’s like- I’m sorry.” She approaches Maya, feeling like she’s spinning out of control and Maya isn’t giving her any reaction good or bad or any way to reign in her emotions.

She knows she’s messed up. She knows she shouldn’t yell whether it’s at Maya or not. Carina is stressed out. She knows they are both stressed out about everything and anything that is happening in their personal lives and the things outside of their control. The pandemic, the visa, the social unrest, and injustice. It’s too much to deal with all at once. They’ve been dealt the shittiest of hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Carina tries to take Maya’s hands in her own.

But Maya doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want Carina’s I’m sorry’s either. “It’s okay.” Carina persists and Maya flaps her arms out at her sides so Carina won’t touch her. “It’s fine.” She insists harshly and Carina takes a step back. She can see how Carina jumps a little. How she might be scared of Maya in that moment, so she reaches out and puts her hands on top of Carina’s to try to convince her she didn’t mean any malice. The touch stills both of them and they stare at each other for a moment, trying to collect their thoughts and emotions.

Maya hates this. She absolutely hates it. From the beginning of the day everything felt like it’s been spiraling downwards. And now, here they are arguing about the things that they’ve refused to talk about because they were difficult subjects. And she hates it. She doesn’t want this to be how she remembers her last moments with Carina.

Carina feels it too. She paces around in front of Maya before sitting on the back of the couch next to her. She hates it too. They are better than this. They should be better than this. They shouldn’t be arguing right now. They should be able to have difficult conversations like two responsible adults. But they haven’t done that thus far.

“Everything you said is true. I was so worried about you leaving that I never actually asked you how you felt. I just assumed that you were happy to go home for a little bit.”

Maya looks down at the floor. Those feelings of fear about Carina leaving and going home return. Those thoughts, of what if she returns home and decides she misses it so much that she decides to stay in Italy permanently, pester her again.

“Home?” Carina questions her.

Maya doesn’t understand how Carina can be picking out something so small as the specific location. She knows Carina isn’t going to be going back to the exact spot that she grew up. She just means Italy in general. She wishes they could just drop this, but she gets a little defensive that she’s being called out again.

“I know. I know your home home is in the south. I just-“ Maya doesn’t know where she’s going with this. “Thought that-“ She sighs, giving up.

Carina turns to Maya and explains what Maya is missing. “Italy hasn’t felt like home since my mamma left when I was sixteen years old. Then it just became the place where I lived.”

Maya looks over and sees the anguish in Carina’s eyes as she speaks. She’s not sure what Carina means here. Of course, Italy is Carina’s home. She’s mentioned it on more than one occasion. Especially recently, when Italy was bad with Covid. Carina’s home was a scary place. And when Andrew died and she wanted to fly back to Italy, back home.

“I didn’t find my home until I met you, bambina.”

Oh. Maya doesn’t know what to do with that, though. Carina is still leaving.

“You’re my home.” Carina tells her with watery eyes. “And I’m being kicked out of my home in the middle of a pandemic.”

It dawns on Maya how hard this is for Carina too. “And you’ve been pretending it’s no big deal so I wouldn’t lose it.” Maybe they do and are understanding each other right now, just getting their communication crossed.

Carina nods in confirmation.

“I’m sorry.” Carina takes a hold of Maya’s hand.

“I’m sorry.” Maya shakes her head. She can’t believe this. “I’m sorry.” She reaches up and caresses the back of Carina’s skull.

“I love you.”

“I love you.” All isn’t forgiven but as Maya leans in for a kiss all can be resolved with better communication. But then Carina is tipping her over the back of the couch and rolling on top of her and they are laughing into the kiss.

She takes hold of Carina’s head, hands over each of her ears and holds her at a bit of a distance so she can look at her, admire her face, looking into the rich brown eyes. “I’m your home?” She whispers.

Carina nods, and leans down, forcing Maya to allow her. She rubs her nose against Maya’s. “You’re my home. Me and you. Home. There’s that thing people say- and I’ll probably get it wrong but- They say sometimes home isn’t a place but a person. And I always thought that was stupid. Until recently. Until the pandemic and I was lonely and scared. Until Andrea died and I needed support and comfort. That’s when I realized those stupid people were right. You’re my home. You are everything a home should be. Safety. Protection. Warmth. Fun. Loving. Caring. Strong. Security. Comfortable. Maya, this apartment and more importantly, you- are my home.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Carina chuckles. “You don’t need to say anything.”

“I love you.” Maya says softly.

“That’s a good thing to say.” Carina smiles softly. “I love you, bambina. Bacami.”

Maya pulls her in for a quick kiss. A quick, fierce kiss. One that slips past anything that would be considered publicly appropriate. A kiss that has Maya’s toe curling, her hands roaming, and her core heating.

“Carina.”

“I know.” Carina mouths. They don’t have a lot of time if they are going to do this. It has to be quick. Carina sits back on her heels and pulls her shirt off. “Sit up.” Carina instructs and when Maya does Carina pulls her sweatshirt over her head. Maya’s bare skin prickles in the cool air.

Carina puts a hand on the center of Maya’s chest forcing her back down onto the couch. She undoes the button on her jeans, sliding down the zipper with her other hand. Maya hisses and Carina’s fingers slip into her underwear.

Carina tucks herself between Maya’s side and the back of the couch. It’s a little cramped but she makes it work. Maya arches up into Carina’s touch as she works over that sensitive bundle of nerves. “Always so responsive, bella.”

Maya wraps her right arm around Carina pulling her impossibly close. “For you. Only for you.” She whispers, a promise.

Carina kisses her cheek as she works Maya towards her orgasm.

“I wanna-“ Maya wrinkles up her face, almost like she’s in pain. “I wanna feel you.”

Carina doesn’t need to ask what Maya means, she knows. Somehow, their unspoken language has always had clear communication. It seems like it’s when they have to use words it’s when they tend to struggle a little.

There’s only one problem. “There’s not enough room, bambina.”

“Floor.” Maya mumbles.

Carina pulls her hand from Maya’s pants. The blonde moaning at the loss. Carina grabs the couch pillow from near their feet and they move to the floor. A mess of tangled limbs and soft giggles in their rush.

Carina resumes her position on top of Maya. This time hovering over her, supporting herself on her elbows and forearms. Maya doesn’t waste any time undoing the buttons on Carina’s pants and slipping her hand inside. Carina moaning when Maya’s cool fingers come into contact with her heated skin.

“Maya.” Her eyes roll back in her head as she rocks against those fingers. “Right there.” She stills and lets Maya do all the work. Carina presses her forehead against Maya’s shoulder as she approaches her release. As she climaxes, all the stress is released from her body in those few seconds. A wave of calm passes over her as she comes down from her high, slumping against Maya’s body. Maya’s arms wrap around her back and hold her close. Lips press against the side of her head and Carina hears Maya whispering words but can’t make our what they are in her head.

Carina only needs a few moments to recover before she’s back on her forearms and then slipping off to Maya’s side, like she was on the couch. She resumes her ministrations. She watches Maya’s face as it contorts and twist with pleasure. It’s one of her favorite sights in the world. Being able to watch Maya as she comes is a favorite activity of hers. She leans down and presses her lips to the center of Maya’s chest, leaving wet kisses there. “You are absolutely beautiful, bambina.” She mumbles against her skin. “Come for me.”

Maya moans and then she is coming against Carina’s fingers.

Carina chuckles. “Good girl.” She praises even though she knows Maya hates it. Well, she doesn’t hate it, but she is self-conscious at the fact that all Carina has to do is ask and Maya is relenting. Carina settles off to the side and lets Maya catch her breath. She just watches her as she lays there, quietly. Carina runs her palm up and down Maya’s arm and then switches to lightly scratching her fingertips over her stomach. These are the best moments. In that quiet, post-coital haze. When nothing else matters but each other. A calm satisfaction surrounding them.

That calm doesn’t last long though. When Maya brings up getting married emotions, stress, anxiety gets ramped up again. There’s arguing and yelling. And then Maya, in her stupidity, opens her big mouth.

“Maybe we should just take a break.”

She hates it as soon as it comes out of her mouth. It feels like everything is going against them and if everything just stopped, if there was a break, for a little bit maybe they could catch up.

Carina looks at Maya in disbelief. She really can’t believe Maya is saying this. First, it was that she wants to get married and now she wants them to break up. Carina really has whiplash with all of this.

Maya backpedals. “Not- not for good. Just- we don’t even know when you’re going to be able to come back.” It’s the main thing that Maya worries about.

“So what? You want to see other people.” Carina is hurt by the fact that because Maya can’t deal with her leaving and with the visa; so she wants them to break up. This seems so ridiculous. “In the middle of a pandemic?”

“No. But the time difference. And you’ll be busy, and I’ll be busy. And the world- my city is on fire.” Maya can feel herself losing control. Her arms are flailing as she speaks, her voice getting louder and louder with each word that comes out of her mouth.

Carina can see it too. “Maya, breathe. Breathe.” She tries to tell her over Maya ranting and excuses.

“And I mean that in the most unimaginable-“ She finally listens to what Carina is saying.

“Breathe, Maya. Breathe.”

Maya takes in a deep breath. She holds the breath for a moment before slowly letting it out. She calms down a little but not much. All these things she learned today about Carina. Marriage and babies. They are things Maya feels like she should have known already. To just be learning them today, she almost feels blindsided.

She knows some of the blame is on herself, though. A lot of the blame, if she’s being honest. If she wanted to know these things she should have asked. There should have been discussions about major life events at some point. Maya feels like maybe they just hadn’t gotten to that yet. What with a pandemic and Andrew’s death and her cheating on Carina. That stuff monopolized their time. It felt like they were just trying to hold everything together and heal from these traumas for so much of the time that the other things didn’t matter. And at some point, Maya figures that these topics would have been brought up and discussed but now everything is sped up with Carina’s visa expiring and her having to leave.

And in her frustration, Carina throws Maya’s lack of understanding back in her face.

“So, you want to break up temporarily or are we breaking up because we are not right for each other?”

She’s so sick of Maya and her dramatics right now.

“I didn’t say break up. I said take a break.” Maya tries to clarify.

“Frankly, I don’t understand the difference.” She hastily throws a book into her bag. “Do you want to get married?” Carina doesn’t understand how Maya can be like this right now. She’s about to leave and this is what they are arguing about. And no, she doesn’t want to get married, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t take her relationship with Maya seriously. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t a future for them. It doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been treating it like a marriage from the day she agreed to move in.

“I married you the day I moved into this apartment, Maya. I don’t believe in ticking a box and calling that a marriage. I believe in building a life together. With the person you want to spend it with. Every. Single. Day. When I moved into this house. For me. That was a marriage.”

“That is not how it works.” Maya accents her words with hand gestures. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She’s just picked it up from Carina because Carina is talking with her hands.

Carina half scoffs, half chuckles. “Marriage. The kind the government says is okay, puts an obligation on love.” She’s near tears. Carina doesn’t ever want to feel obligated to someone or to do something. “Marriage ruins family. Marriage is just a made up financial-“

Maya doesn’t understand this. For her, marriage is the solution to their problems. Yes, of course she loves Carina and wants to spend her life with her; but if they have to do this now instead of not being married, or being in separate countries, or getting married sometime in the future she would do it in a heartbeat.

“Marriage is what can keep us together.” It seems so simple to her.

“Exactly!” Carina yells and stomps her feet. “It is crazy that the only recourse that I have to stay in Seattle, to stay in my life with you is to sign a piece of paper saying I will never leave you.” She feels exasperated by all of this. “A piece of paper that people like us aren’t allowed to have in my country.”

Maya tries to convince Carina that it is in fact just a piece of paper so it shouldn’t matter. But Carina doesn’t see it that way.

“Well, you’ll still have Gabriella.” Maya says the one thing that will sting the most.

Carina stops as she’s putting her coat on. She knows it’s a low blow. She knows why Maya said it. She knows Maya is jealous and no matter how many times she tells her that she and Gabriella are just friends now; or tells or shows her how committed she is to their relationship that Maya just can’t put Gabriella out of her mind. She knows it doesn’t help that she’s going back to Italy to spend time with her friend while Maya is here in Seattle. But the pettiness in Maya is appalling.

“Wow.”

“I mean maybe she’s who you’re supposed to be with.”

“Maya, stop.”

“Maybe we’re just not meant to be together forever.”

“Stop, Maya. You’ve said enough.” Carina takes her bag from the table and walks past Maya. She can’t deal with this right now. She has to get to the airport. This isn’t how she wanted to leave things with Maya. But she doesn’t have any choice right now. If Carina doesn’t leave now, she’ll miss her flight. She collects her bags.

“You still want me to take you to the airport?”

She turns at the question. “No.” Carina opens the door, takes her bags, and walks out.                            

Maya thinks about what Andy said. It’s the first thing that pops into her head after Carina disappears into the hallway. You two are meant to be. Maya scoffs at the words. She believed it when Andy said it. Maya doesn’t know if she believes it anymore.

She hangs her head. Maya isn’t sure what to think anymore. She started the day thinking that she was going to propose, and Carina would accept, and that would fix the visa issue, and that then they would start the process of marriage prep. Maya had all these ideas. She had her future laid out in front of her. But her suggestion to get married ended in them effectively breaking up.

Her future just walked out the door and perhaps out of her life. Maya looks around the room. She can’t be here. Not right now. It’s too much. She also has somewhere she has to be in about an hour. She’s scheduled to meet Andy and Jack down at the hospital to greet Warren when he gets released. Maya agreed to that yesterday before she knew- before she knew that her life would be ruined.

Maya goes down to the closest park and sits on a bench. It’s a beautiful day. A little windy but a beautiful day to have everything turned upside down. She thinks about everything she said to Carina and knows some of it was out of spite and anger. She wishes she could, at least, take back what she said about Gabriella. There are other things that aren’t great either, but that is the worst one. It’s the one thing that she said that she truly regrets.

She walks down to the hospital, hands stuffed in her pockets as she goes. Maya really doesn’t want to be seen right now. She doesn’t want to have to interact with other people. She doesn’t want to put on a happy face. Because she’s not happy. She knows there are going to be questions. She knows Andy is going to ask how it was dropping Carina off at the airport. Maya scoffs at that. She has no idea because she didn’t do it.

As soon as Carina said no to Maya going to the airport, she knew she was in trouble. There’s a little bit of hope inside of her that says just give it some time, you both just need some space. Maya chuckles cynically at that. “Is Seattle to Italy enough space?” She mumbles to herself as she approaches the hospital.


Carina keeps running her hands over her face in the car on the way to the airport. After she left the apartment, she had walked a few blocks before getting an Uber. “Che disastro.” (What a disaster.)

This wasn’t how she wanted to go to the airport. Carina wanted Maya to drive her. She wanted Maya to take her car and drive her to the airport where they would say goodbye and then Maya would go to her little greeting at the hospital for Ben. Instead, she’s in the back of an Uber wondering what’s going to happen to them. Wondering if that’s the last time she’s going to see Maya. Wondering if Maya is serious about breaking up. And why? All because she didn’t get her way. Carina knows that sounds childish but one of them was going to get their way and the other wasn’t. It can be a simple as that. But Carina’s not stupid. She knows it’s not as simple as that. It’s complicated. Far more complicated than she wants it to be. And she didn’t want to yell and argue with Maya. She never wants to do that.

She pulls out her phone and finds Gabriella’s contact. Carina shakes her head. Maybe Maya does have a point about Gabriella. The last few days they’ve been in continued contact and here she is again pulling her phone out and calling Gabriella. She reasons that it’s only because she needs someone to vent to.

“Ciao. Are you on your way?” Gabriella answers the call. She starts walking through the hospital hallways looking for someplace quiet.

“Maya proposed.” Carina doesn’t bother answering the question.

“Marriage?” Gabriella tilts her head to the side.

“Si. But it wasn’t like get down on one knee, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I told her I didn’t want to get married.”

Gabriella doesn’t understand. Does Carina want a romantic, cute, extravagant marriage proposal or does she not want to be married. Because she’s saying one thing and acting another way about this.

“Gabriella, my parents nearly killed each other. They- they separated Andrea and I- they-“

“Okay. Okay. Listen to me.” She sees her friend panicking. She knows she’s on her way to the airport. She knows everything that’s going on. She knows that Carina is, in her own way, asking for help, advice. “Everyone’s parents get divorced. That’s not a good excuse not to get married.” She finally finds somewhere quiet.

“Marriage is not real.” Carina argues.

“Then get a divorce in two years. So what.”

“What Maya and I have is real. And I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that. And I don’t want to run into a situation that we might regret in a couple of years just because of paperwork.”

To Gabriella it sounds like Carina is stuck on the what ifs. The past shaping her future. Her parents past transgressions affecting her present life.

“So, you’re willing to lose her instead? Huh?”

Carina sinks down in her seat after Gabriella tells her that she’s never seen Carina happier than when she was with Maya. That she’d be silly not to get married. To celebrate the fact that they can get married in the US and not in Italy. She knows what Gabriella is saying is true, but she doesn’t know if she can get over her issues with the ‘traditional’ marriage and actually sign the papers to be married. It has nothing to do with Maya, she realizes. It’s all about the bureaucracy of it. About the rigid rules and the government having a say in her relationship.

She huffs out a frustrated breath. “Turn the car around.” Carina looks up the address for the hospital and gives it to the driver. She doesn’t know what she’s going to say when she gets there but she can’t leave things with Maya like this. She can’t just leave them hanging in limbo. There has got to be some common ground that they can find. A compromise. That’s what marriage is about right. Two people compromising on things that don’t necessarily agree on. A give and take. A shared understanding.

When the car pulls up Carina hops out. She sees Maya standing there talking to Andy, her back to her. And then Maya is turning around.

“Marry me.”

Carina shakes her head. That wasn’t what she was planning on saying first. She goes into what she wanted to say. About the government interference and how she would rather get married than lose Maya.

Maya shakes her head like she’s going to say no. She says she doesn’t know if she wants kids, and that the world is a mess.

Carina fears Maya has already giving up on them. She tries to reassure her that it will all be okay. They don’t have to decide on kids this very minute. And the world is a mess, but it won’t always be a mess. At least, she doesn’t think their personal worlds will always be a mess.

“But what I know is that I want to be in this beautiful mess of a changing world with you. Please. Please, bambina. Marry me.” Carina sees the tears in Maya’s eyes but doesn’t know what they mean. But then Maya is reaching up, hands coming to her face, kissing her.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” Maya smiles into the following kiss.

Carina can’t help but smile at Maya when they pull apart but only for a second before she needs to kiss her again.


Maya got them a ride home after saying goodbye to their friends. Once they reached the apartment and the door is securely shut, hands were on each other, clothes were discarded as they made their way to the bed. There would be no rushed floor sex this time.

It’s after a few emotional rounds of celebratory love making that they take a break to just relax and calm down.

Maya is laying on her side and is just watching Carina. Carina looks up at the ceiling. “What are you thinking?” Maya is the first one to break the silence.

“I’ve told you before that you shouldn’t be threatened by Gabriella.” Carina says. It’s the one thing from their fight that keeps sticking in her mind.

Maya sighs. This again. She knows she shouldn’t have brought Gabriella up; but she just went to that place. She’s not proud of it. “I know.”

It’s not the apology that Carina wants but she’s hopeful that Maya will get to that.

They lay in comfortable silence for a while. Just gazing at each other and exchange soft touches, soft kisses.

“Not that I’m complaining, but what made you change your mind? What made you come back?” Maya never thought that she would see Carina again this day after she left for the airport, let alone find themselves where they are now. Needless to say, it’s been a crazy day.

Carina hums. “You know I never got to the airport.”

“No, but you were on your way.” Maya brings up the reality of it all.

“I was.” Carina smirks.

“What?” Maya asks of that smirk.

Carina hopes that Maya thinks this is funny. “In the car, I was on the phone with Gabriella.”

Maya rolls her eyes and chuckles. “Of course.” She looks away from Carina. She just needs a minute. She always gets irrationally jealous of Gabriella. The thought that Carina called Gabriella right after they fought irks her.

“Maya.” She gets the blonde’s attention.

Maya looks back at her future wife. She smiles thinking that Carina is going to be her wife very shortly. They haven’t even talked about that yet, but just the thought makes Maya so happy.

“It was Gabriella.”

Maya wrinkles her brow. So much for the happy thoughts. “What was?” She feels like she missed something. Was she zoned out and Carina said something that she missed?

“She’s the one who convinced me. Well, not convinced me, but she made me see what was happening. She made me see what I was doing. What I was giving up.”

“Oh.” Maya is a bit surprised by this. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Carina nods, giving Maya a serious look. “Amore, I didn’t want to get married. But not because of you or about you. It’s because of what the institution of marriage stands for in society. We talked about this.” Carina sighs. She doesn’t really want to go over this fight again. It’s still raw and painful.

“It’s not that I don’t want to marry you. Maya, you are everything to me. In my mind, we are already married. Me and you, together, always. And for the government or society to have a say in that- There’s not one right way to do things.”

“It’s the conventional way.” Maya mumbles.

Carina giggles. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed-“ She motions between their naked bodies. “We’re not conventional, as they would say.”

Maya sighs and closes her eyes. “Right. But it’s different.” She opens her eyes again and looks at Carina, resting her palm on her cheek.

“What is, bambina?”

“It’ll be different. Our marriage. Cuz it’ll be ours.” Maya whispers.

“It’s just ours.” Carina smiles and leans in for a kiss. She thinks for a moment that Maya might be one hundred percent correct. Their marriage can and will be different. Because it is just theirs.

They kiss for a while. Long, lazy, loving kisses.

“Does this mean I don’t get to be jealous about Gabriella anymore?” Maya laughs lighthearted.

“No, it means you should call her and thank her.” Carina mumbles before kissing Maya again.

Maya giggles into the kiss. “Do I have to do it right now?”

“No, we are busy.” She kisses Maya again, shutting her up. But only for a minute or so.

Maya wiggles away from Carina’s lips. “I think I should. I need to thank her. You are right. Cuz that sex we just had.” Maya rolls her head back, closes her eyes. “Mind blowing.”

Carina laughs.

Maya gets serious again. “I feel like I need to thank you too.”

Carina raises an eyebrow at her.

“For coming back. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you left and I never saw you again. Probably be depressed for the rest of my life.” Carina probably thinks she’s being dramatic but she’s dead serious.

“Oh, Maya.” Carina caresses Maya’s face in her hands.

“I know. Way to kill the mood. But I know that there’s a lot we have to talk about. All that happened. And all the marriage stuff. And what we are going to do now. And what you are going to do about work. But even with all that, I feel like the luckiest person on the planet. Today was a lot. A lot, a lot. And that will take some time to process.”

“Agreed.”

Maya has more to say but she just stops for a moment and admires the woman laying with her in bed. “Carina. You’re it. And as crazy and as scary as that is to say, it’s true. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t need anyone else. Just you.” Maya can feel the tears forming in her eyes, but she lets them, doesn’t shy away from them. “I love you so much. I was serious when I said I didn’t know what I would do without you. It’s become my greatest fear in life. Losing you. And I almost lost you again today. That’s twice now. And I don’t want it to ever happen again. I know you aren’t crazy about the institution of marriage. And to be fair, I’m not thrilled about it either all the time. But I feel like it’s something we can do to strengthen our relationship. To make sure that no one, no outside force, can tear us apart. At the end of the day, it’s just a piece of paper, a document, but I still feel like it’s important.” She knows a few tears have made their way from her eyes down her cheeks. “Because you are important, and we are important. So, I know you aren’t crazy about it, but that’s how I feel.”

Carina looks at Maya for a moment. She wipes the tears from her cheeks before leaning in to peck her lips softly. “No, I’m not crazy about it, but I am crazy about you. Ti amo, Maya. Ti amo. They say love makes you crazy. And they are right. I’m getting married. Something I never thought I would do. Because I am so deeply, thoroughly in love with you. And I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I would have happily done that without getting married as well. Gabriella was right. She said she’s never seen me so happy. Like deep down happy. Even in my grief, even with all the crap that’s happened this year, I’m still so very happy and that’s because of you.”

“I’m sorry for throwing her in your face. That was wrong and I didn’t mean it.”

Carina sighs. There’s the apology that she wanted. “And I’m sorry for the horrible things I said as well. You know I didn’t mean them.”

“I know. I was just so scared. I was so afraid that you were going to leave. There was no determined return date. I just thought what if weeks turn into months, and then more months, and then a year, or forever. I just- I just-“ Maya shivers. She just can’t shake that feeling. “I guess part of me is still scared that that’s going to happen. That you are going to leave and never come back. I think that fear fueled all my irrational emotions. And I went to that yelling place. And I hate that because it reminds me of my father. And I don’t want to be like him.”

“I know, bambina.” Carina kisses Maya’s forehead. “You are not like him.”

Maya laughs, cynically. “You don’t know that. You’ve never met him.”

“No.” Carina raises an eyebrow. “But I’ve met you. From everything you’ve told me about him I just know that you are not like him. You make a conscious, most of the time, effort to be not like him.”

Maya sighs, laying her head on Carina’s chest. Carina wraps her arm around her, holding her to her chest. “Thank you.” Maya whispers

Carina hums in reply. She’s got a lot to figure out but laying here with Maya she knows that they can figure it out together. It might be difficult at times. There will be arguments and disagreements, but she thinks that if at the end of each day they come back to this place, moments like this, in this room, their safe space, that they’ll be okay.

Notes:

so i'm super excited at the next chapter(s). six weeks of time that i get to fill however i want. hahaha

Chapter 37

Notes:

A day later than i would've liked lol. Thanks as always for any comments, kudos, questions or concerns.

-here we have an airport goodbye
-trying to adjust to the distance
-and marriage prep/wedding planning

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Carina holds Maya’s right hand in between her own. The last two days have been pure chaos. Trying to figure out procedures and what paperwork they need. The requirements for marriage. The time frame they have to work within. All sorts of government bureaucracy that they needed to know. But now, Carina is in the passenger’s seat as Maya drives them to the airport. How Carina wanted it to be originally.

She keeps lifting Maya’s hand to her mouth, kissing her fingers, or sometimes flipping her hand over and pressing kisses to her palm, folding her fingers over it, and rest their hands back in her lap.

Maya will glance over from time to time to get a look at Carina, the Italian with the introspective smile on her lips. The woman looks straight ahead as they travel down the road; destination in mind, but a yearning to stay in her heart. And Maya knows all of this just from a quick glance. Or maybe it’s the way Carina squeezes her hand, clutches her hand, like she never wants to let it go.

They weren’t supposed to do this, so Maya is in her work uniform, she’s in the middle of a shift. She had Andy take over for two hours while she brings Carina to the airport. And she doesn’t want today to be somber, but it feels a little like it is.

“Okay.” Maya pulls up outside the departures area.

“Not okay.” Carina mumbles.

“Uh-“ Maya looks over at Carina but Carina gets out of the car.

Maya hurries to get out to meet her at the rear of the vehicle. Carina is lifting the back hatch to retrieve her luggage.

“Here, let me get that.” Maya reaches in and grabs the bag before Carina can. She sets it down on the sidewalk at looks up to meet Carina’s eye. “Carina, I-“

“Vieni qui, bambina.” Carina pulls Maya into a bone-crushing hug. She presses a kiss to the side of Maya’s head. “I said I wasn’t going to be an emotionally mess today, but I can’t help it. I don’t know if this is worse than the other day, but it would’ve been easier the other day if I left and we didn’t have to do this at the airport.”

As crushing as the thought is, Maya understands. She nods against Carina, rubbing one hand over her back, the other caressing the back of her head. “Carina, I-“ She tries again to say what she wanted earlier.

Carina leans back, looking at Maya, locking eyes with her. “I know.”

“No, I want to say it. I need to say it.” Maya swallows thickly. “I love you. With everything that I am. And I know there’s a lot that we have to figure out, but we will. I’m sure of it. And I’ll miss you so much and I can’t wait for you to get back.” Maya sighs, feeling much better knowing that there is a return date, that Carina has a set date to come back to her. “I need you to go and be amazing and incredible. I need you to be the best doctor you can be. I need you to do these thing and I will take care of everything here. Everything.” Maya sniffles a little, holding the tears in though. “I wish I were going with you but-“ She shrugs and looks behind Carina’s shoulder. “You should go.” She nods towards the airport entrance.

“Maya.” Carina sighs, closing her eyes. “Ti amo, tanto.” She moves her arms from around Maya, brings her hands up and pinches at Maya’s shirt collar, straighten it even though it’s not messed up. She runs her thumbs over the bars on the collar. “Mia capitana.”

Maya smiles, watery. “You’re gonna make me cry.”

Carina chuckles lightly. “Sorry, bambina.” She runs her palms over Maya’s shirt, flattening it out. Her eyes flicker over to Maya’s name tag. Bishop. They haven’t talked about it, but a name that Carina might soon attach to her own. “I love you, Maya Bishop. And I too, will miss you. I’ll probably be busy, but I promise to try to call you so we can figure out this marriage stuff.” Maya just nods. Carina reaches up, putting her right hand on Maya’s neck around her ear, her thumb on her jaw. “Baciami.”

Maya sighs and closes the tiny distance between them in a soft kiss. Slow and lingering.

A car horn blares, startling them both.

“Perché le persone devono essere così maleducate?” (Why do people have to be so rude?)

Carina looks around for the culprit before spotting the man in a car trying to get into the spot Maya is parked in.

“Should I flip him off?” Carina conspires.

Maya bites her lip. “It would be very American of you.” She chuckles.

“Should I rant and rave in Italian?” Carina grins.

“No. That would be worse.” Maya shakes her head, with a little smile.

Carina throws her head back and laughs. “I love you.” She comes back in for a quick kiss before slipping away from Maya. She reaches for her bag and point at her car. “Take care of her for me.” She winks at Maya.

Maya laughs. “I will.”

Carina reaches up with her hand, aimless. “I love you.” She closes her fist and drops her hand.

“I love you.” Maya waves. “See you soon.” She refuses to say goodbye.

“See you soon, bella.” Carina grins with teary eyes.

Maya looks over at the guy that honked at them. She flips him off and hops back in the car quickly and drives off. She has to take a number of deep breath as she leaves the airport to try to calm down. She’s got those anxious armpit sweats. The stinky kind of sweat and knows she’s going to have to change her shirt when she gets back to the station. Even though she feels better about Carina leaving now than she did a few days ago, Maya still has plenty of anxiety about it. About the flight, and Carina being on a plane for 12 hours with people who could be sick. Or being in a hospital full of Covid patients. She worries about them not being able to talk to each other. And about how Carina is going to handle spreading Andrew’s ashes by herself. All of that on top of just having to say goodbye has her a sweaty mess.

Carina puts her mask on as she approaches the airport entrance. She goes and checks her bag and then makes her way to security. She gets through security and all of its procedures. That’s when it happens. As Carina is walking to her gate, the tears start falling. She hasn’t been on a plane to Italy in a long time. She hasn’t been back to Italy in a long time. The last time was when she went to see her father who wasn’t doing well mentally. That was also the reason she came back to the States, with him and his quest to make a baby in a bag happen. But that’s not why she’s crying. She’s not entirely sure why she’s crying, but the tears leak out of her eyes and slip into her mask, some wetting the upper edge.

Carina tucks off into a little corner away from everyone. She finds her hand sanitizer from her bag and squirts some on her hands, rubbing them together before getting a tissue from her bag and slipping her mask down to wipe at her eyes and cheeks with the tissue.

She thinks it probably, most likely, certainly has something to do with Maya. More so than everything else. Carina didn’t think it would be this bad. She didn’t think it would feel this terrible. And she’s not even gone yet. She can already feel the ache starting in her chest. She shakes her head, blows her nose, and pulls her mask back up. Carina takes a deep breath before heading the rest of the way to her gate.


Maya spends the first sixteen hours that Carina is gone on shift, so it doesn’t really feel like she’s gone. It’s not until she goes home that it gets to her. The apartment is quiet. And it could be as if Carina is at work, but Maya knows she’s not. She can’t even trick herself into thinking that. She knows Carina only landed in Italy a few hours ago. She hasn’t heard anything from her yet, but that was mostly to be expected.

Maya slips her pants off and slips into bed. A post-shift nap would be nice, but she doubts her overactive brain will let her rest. She lays there for an hour, not sleeping. Maya groans and rolls over, reaching for her phone. She starts looking up information about courthouse marriages. She told Carina she’d figure it out and she will. And why not right now.

She finds the website with all the information and reads over everything twice. Maya gets up after a little while and goes to find her backpack. She removes a notepad and clipboard and brings them back to bed with her. She sits with her back to the headboard and pulls Carina’s pillow into her lap, using it as a desk for her clipboard and paper. Maya writes down the information that she needs to obtain for a courthouse marriage and the rules they must follow.

She taps her pen against the paper incessantly as she thinks about who they could have as witnesses. Maya would probably choose Andy if it were up to her. She thinks it only fair that Carina gets to pick someone too. She ponders who Carina might choose. Someone from the hospital. She takes a deep breath when she thinks that it should have been Andrew. Maya shakes her head. He should be here for this. He should be congratulating his sister. He should be one of the witnesses.

“Fuck.” She growls and throws the papers and pillow aside and gets up. Maya goes to make a protein shake. She drinks that and goes for a run.

When she returns, Maya is more tired than before, and she thinks maybe she’s exhausted her brain enough to allow herself to sleep. But then she looks at her phone, picking it up from the mess of blankets on the bed. “Damn it.” She runs a hand over her face and two missed calls and a missed Facetime call from Carina.

She hits the icon, calling Carina.


When she got off the plane it took a minute to get her bearings, but then everything clicked back in her mind. Italy. She walks out to baggage claim and waits for her bag. Carina gets her phone out as she waits. She has a text from Gabriella letting her know she is at the airport, ready to gather her. She’s tempted to call Maya, but she wants to wait until she’s someplace quieter, someplace more private. Carina pockets her phone even though her antsy fingers want to hold it.

She gets her bag and heads outside. Gabriella waves her down and she walks over and gets in the car.

“Ciao.” Carina half-smiles. She would give Gabriella a kiss on the cheek but doesn’t know what kind of germs she’s carrying. Instead, she puts her bag in the back seat and climbs in the front, keeping her mask on, her hands to herself.

“Ciao, tesoro. How was your flight?”

Carina frowns. It was long and uncomfortable, wearing the mask the entire time. A few hours in she managed to fall asleep, but it was a fitful sleep, never comfortable enough to sleep well. “You don’t have to use English.”

“Ah, si, throw that American brain out the window.”

Carina smiles a little under her mask. “I’m just saying. I’m in Italy now.”

“And yet-“ Gabriella glances over at Carina. “-you haven’t said a lick of Italian.” She just teasing but it’s clear that Carina isn’t in the mood. Even with a mask on her face, Gabriella can tell. It’s all in her body language and attitude. “Okay, we’ll just go back to the house. Then you can call your girlfriend.”

“Fiancée.” Carina corrects.

Gabriella laughs. “Right. My bad. Fiancée.”

The drive isn’t too long. They get inside and Carina looks around for a moment before going into the bathroom and taking her mask off and washing her face.

“Are you to shower?” Gabriella asks, leaning against the doorway.

“Si.” Carina answers and nods.

Gabriella isn’t sure what to make of her friend. Her demeanor is off. She wonders if it’s just the travel. She’s always tired after a long day of travel. Maybe that’s it but Gabriella has a sneaking suspicion that it’s more than that.

“Is there laundry?” Carina asks.

Gabriella points to a hamper behind the door.

“Grazie.”

Carina showers and changes and moves to ‘her room’. There is a little pile of things on the middle of the bed. A box of Italian chocolates, a little notebook, and a stuffed teddy bear.

“Questions?” Gabriella lurks behind Carina as she appraises the items on the bed.

“Thank you.” Carina turns around. “You didn’t have to do this.”

“I did but-“ Gabriella raises a hand in the air, index finger pointing up. “-it wasn’t my idea. I didn’t do it. Your fiancée called me.”

“Maya?”

“Unless you have another fiancée that I don’t know about.” Gabriella smirks. “Maybe you should call her.”

Carina thinks about the time difference. “She just got off shift. She’s probably sleeping.”

Gabriella laughs. “You’re so silly. Call her.” She leaves the room, leaving Carina to her call.

Carina picks up the small teddy bear and tucks it into the crook of her elbow. She picks up the phone with the other hand and calls Maya. It goes to voicemail. Carina thinks maybe she’s busy, or can’t get to the phone right away, or didn’t hear it ring. She opens the chocolates and has a few before calling Maya again. This time a Facetime call. She wants to show off her gifts. But again, it goes unanswered. Carina flops down onto the back dramatically.

“No luck?” Gabriella appears again. She’s just about to tuck in for the night.

“No.” Carina groans. “I feel-“ She flops her arms against the bad. “-crazy.”

Gabriella laughs, coming over to sit on the edge of the bed. She pats at Carina’s shin. “Blondie has you running circles in your head?”

“Something like that.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“Not for my head.” Carina narrows her eyes in Gabriella’s direction.

Gabriella gets up and starts to leave. “Tomorrow I’ll take you down to the hospital. Get some rest.”

Carina doesn’t know if she is going to be able to sleep tonight. It’s not even that late yet, but Carina knows Gabriella is just trying to give her some space. “Thanks.” She mumbles.

Carina tries Maya’s number again. It goes to voicemail again. She doesn’t want to bother Maya if she’s sleeping, but she would like to talk to her. She lifts the bear up above her head. “You need a name.”

She contemplates names for a while, but gives up after she doesn’t think of anything good. She is flipping through the little notebook when her phone starts ringing. She looks at the screen and her face breaks out into a smile.

 She answers. “Ciao, bambina.”

“Hello.” Maya gasps. “Carina?”

“Yeah.” Carina panics a little at Maya’s gasps. “Why are you so out of breath? Is everything okay?”

“Oh.” Maya tries to calm her breathing. “I was running.”

“Oh, si.” That makes sense.

“I just got back and saw that you called. How was your flight? Did everything go well? Did Gabriella pick you up?”

“Bene and si.” Carina grins at the little bear. “Do you know what I’m looking at?”

“No. How would I know that?” Maya wonders.

Carina giggles. “A little teddy bear, a notebook, and chocolates. Maya.” She sighs Maya’s name.

“I know it’s not a fancy hotel or anything, but I wanted you to have something when you got there.” Maya goes into the kitchen and get a glass and some water. “I know it wasn’t much but I just thought-“

“Thank you, bambina. I love it.” Carina says with watery eyes. “I’ve been trying to think of a name for the little bear.

“He needs a name?” Maya asks between gulps of water.

“Or she.” Carina raises an eyebrow. “It’s really good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too, my love. And you are very welcome for the gift. It was really nothing. But I thought you could use the notebook to document your time there. In whatever way you want. If you just want to write down a few things a day or nothing at all. Or if you want to use it to vent and ramble. I thought it might be useful.”

Carina sighs. Maya really is so thoughtful.

When Maya doesn’t get a reply, she goes on. “Or you can use it however you want. Don’t listen to me. Make scribbles or doodles or I don’t know, a shopping list, whatever.” She’s second guessing her idea.

“I love it, bella. I love the idea. I will use it every day. I will write down everything I want to tell you. When I can’t talk to you. And even if I can.”

Maya yawns. “I like the sound of that.”

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Carina asks.

“Not really.” Maya shrugs. They had a house fire call at two am but before and after that Maya just laid in her bunk. “I was thinking about you and your flight.”

“You should sleep now.” Carina says. “I’m going to go to bed soon too.”

Maya hums. “Okay.” She tries to prevent another yawn, but can’t.

Carina chuckles. “Sleep.”

Maya walks back into the bedroom. “Oh.” She remembers what she was doing earlier, seeing the items on the bed again. “I wanted to talk to you about getting married.”

“I said yes.” Carina jokes.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Yes, but like, I looked up the procedure for a courthouse thing. We need two witnesses. And I don’t know how you want to do it, but I thought we could each pick one. So, I just wanted to let you know that and have you think about it.”

“You really were serious when you said you’d take care of everything.”

“Yeah.” When Maya says she’s going to do something, she does it.

“Okay, I’ll think about it. Who do you want to choose, so I don’t pick the same person?” Carina thinks she knows Maya’s answer already though.

“Andy.”

Carina hums. “Perfetto. Get some sleep. I love you.”

Maya takes a deep breath, letting those words absorb. “I love you, too, Carina. Bye.”

“Ciao, bella.” Carina makes a kissing noise and hangs up the phone. She looks at her little bear. “A witness, huh?”


When the crew brings up a wedding, it’s then that Maya starts thinking about it. She knows Carina is anti-marriage, but she has agreed to get married. Maya doesn’t want to push it though and suggest a wedding. That’s a whole other level. And if Carina doesn’t want to get married, she certainly doesn’t want a wedding. Right?

“How was your day?” Maya sets the phone down on her desk. “I have a meeting in a few hours. But I’m free until then unless we get a call.” They are trying to figure out times when they can talk to each other. The nine hour time difference isn’t helpful.

She rummages around in the papers on her desk, looking for her marriage clipboard. Maya has designated it as such and reserved it only for that purpose. Anything marriage related is in the notepad on that clipboard.

“It wasn’t too bad. I’m just getting started at the hospital, so I haven’t done much. Today I mostly was just helping with whatever, wherever.”

“Okay. Good.” Maya says distracted. “As long as you aren’t putting yourself in high risk situations-“

“Maya.” Carina scolds.

“Sorry. I know you are a professional. I just worry. You said it was worse there than it is here.” Maya finds what she’s looking for and starts going over her list.

“It is but-“ Carina frowns. They are on a Facetime call, but Carina can’t see Maya’s face. “I called you because I wanted to see your face, not the ceiling in your office.”

Maya picks up the phone at that. “Sorry.” She sighs. “I’m trying to multi-task.”

“Well, don’t.” Carina pouts. “I need to see those big blue eyes and that beautiful face.”

Maya gives Carina an apologetic smile.

“So, what are you working on that has you so distracted?” Carina smiles, letting Maya know that she’s not mad.

“We need two witnesses. Who do you want it to be?” Maya asks through the screen. She looks down at the paper that she has attached to her clipboard. She’s already brought up this topic the other day.

“That’s what you are working on?” Carina thought it would’ve been something fire station related.

“Well-“ Maya shrugs. “-I’ve been thinking about it.” She taps her pen against her notepad. “I made some notes.” She turns he phone around to show Carina the clipboard with the notepad on it.

“Is that a clipboard?”

“Yes.” Maya turns the phone back around, so Carina doesn’t get mad again about not seeing her face. “It’s my marriage clipboard.”

Carina grins. “I love you so much. You’re so adorable. A little bit dorky but so sooooo adorable.”

Maya frowns but doesn’t say anything about it. It’s not fair that Carina gets to make fun of her from so far away. Maya feels like she can’t properly argue back that she’s not adorable. “Well, it is, and I don’t want to ambush you with this- and I know that we decided on a courthouse marriage- Just going down and getting the paperwork handled and getting someone to marry us, but what if we didn’t.”

“Maya, what?” Carina shakes her head. “You don’t want to get married? If we don’t, I have to stay in Italy. What are you saying?”

“NO. NO. NO. No. No.” Maya panics. “That’s not- dear lord.” She has to take a few deep breaths. “What if we had a wedding?”

“Oh.” Carina hadn’t thought that was what Maya was going to say. She panicked there for a moment. “Bella, that sounds like a lot of work. And there are time restrictions, and we are in a pandemic, and I’m not there, and-“

Maya sighs. “Nevermind. Vic brought it up. And then Dean said we-“ She waves her hand in the air. “Everybody needs some joy. Something to celebrate. I just thought I’d run the idea by you, but I know you didn’t want to get married in the first place so we can just do the courthouse thing.” She sighs. Maya feels like this is starting to be a problem.

“Are you disappointed?” Carina asks. It’s a little harder to read Maya through a phone screen, but she thinks she hears disappointment in her voice, sees it on her face.

“Well, I had built the idea up in my head. So, maybe.” Maya looks out her office door as there is something happen out in the reception area. Andy and Jack are talking to a man that just walked in.

“Maya.”

Maya hums and looks back at the phone.

“I didn’t say no. It’s going to be a lot of work. And I don’t know how much I can help.” Those are Carina’s concerns. She’s half a world away. And when she comes back, they need to get married. If she’s not there to help with wedding planning then she thinks it’s going to be a lot of work and a lot of pressure on Maya. On top of everything else that she’s dealing with at work.

Maya wrinkles up her face.

Carina can see the disappointment on Maya face clearly now and changes her mind. “We should.”

“We don’t have to. I know you don’t want to.” She doesn’t want to pressure Carina into anything else. She doesn’t want to make her do anything that she doesn’t want to. She’s grateful that Carina agreed to get married. That’s enough for Maya.

“I never said I didn’t want a wedding.” Carina smirks a little. She never said anything to that affect. “I said I didn’t want to get married. That’s different.”

Maya stares at her through the screen in confusion. Carina chuckles. “Bambina, ti amo, tanto. And I’d do anything for you. If you want to have a wedding, we can have a wedding. I wasn’t going to bring it up though. And it sounds like you’ve been thinking about it. And your friends are all on board.”

Maya smiles in awe at her fiancée. “Really? You’d be alright with that? Because I don’t want to force you into anything.”

Carina shrugs. “It might be nice. Something that we can celebrate in all the awfulness that is happening in the world right now.”

“God, I love you.”

“That’s good since we’re getting married.” Carina teases. “You need help though. I can’t be there for everything. You need to get Vic and Andy and Travis to help you. Don’t do everything yourself. Okay? That’s the only way I’m agreeing to this.”

Maya nods. “Yeah.”

“So, no more courthouse marriage with two witnesses?” Carina smirks.

“I guess not.” Maya smiles. “I can’t believe this. Vic really wanted a lesbian firehouse wedding. Her words exactly.”

Carina laughs. “Vic would say that.”

“Her parents restaurant burned down.” Maya mumbles.

“Oh my gosh, Maya, when?”

“Last night.” She shrugs.

“Why didn’t you tell me, bambina?”

“Why add more crap to all the crap that’s going on.” Maya hates adding to the pile.

Carina sighs. She understands why Maya didn’t tell her. “You should have said something though. Can you tell her the next time you see her that I’m sorry?”

“Yeah.” Maya sighs.

“What else are you keeping from me?” Carina whispers. “Just because I’m far away doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear about your days or what’s happening at the station.” She says it in as light of a tone as she can. She doesn’t want Maya feeling like she’s mad or upset about it because she’s not. But wants to let her know that it’s okay to talk about the hard stuff, especially the hard stuff, while they are far apart.

“Nothing.” Maya says. That was the main thing that Maya didn’t mention. There’s still issues and tension with PD, but nothing has changed too much with that. It’s only been a few days since Carina has been gone but Maya feels like there’s a disconnect, like she’s struggling to deal with the distance. It’s just a nagging feeling.

Maya goes up to the beanery after her call with Carina. She needs more coffee. She brings her wedding clipboard with her. It’s been upgraded.

“Good news boys and girls.” Maya announces.

“Oh?” Travis asks.

“We’re having a wedding.” Maya grins. She just can’t keep the news to herself. “And I’m telling all of you because I, we, need your help.” She looks around at all of them. Her team all stares back at her in a little bit of shock, a little bit of awe. The only one missing is Vic. She wishes Vic were here. “I’m serious.”

Travis gets up and runs over, wrapping Maya up in a hug, spinning her around. “We got you, Cap.”


“So, Vic is out the rest of the week but as soon as she’s back I’ll ask if she would help. Everyone else is on board.” Maya tells Carina the next time they talk.

“Sounds good.” Carina yawns.

“Are you tired, love? We can talk about this some other time.”

Carina shakes her head. “No. Well, yes. But no, I want to talk to you. It’s the most normal part of my day. But if I fall asleep, you can’t blame me.”

Maya sighs, happy that Carina wants to talk to her. “So, Travis said he would do decorations, table decorations. The whole room. We need a theme.” Maya taps the tip of her pen next to the line on her notebook that reads ‘Wedding theme, color scheme’.

“Love.” Carina says, smiling with her eyes.

“Yeah?” Maya question.

“No, not you. The theme- love.”

“Oh.” Maya wrinkles up her forehead. “I don’t know- how is that-“

Carina chuckles. “We’ll think about it. And what do you think about colors?”

“I don’t know. I’m not one for lots of color. Something muted. I don’t know.” Maya shrugs.

“Bambina, your bedroom is pink and red.”

“Our. And only one wall is red.” Maya argues.

“And the curtains. And the pillowcases.” Carina bites her lip as she messes with Maya.

“You know those are my favorite pillowcase, sheet set. We do have others. They just match the room really well.” Maya rolls her eyes. She doesn’t know why they are discussing their room, that’s not the point. “It’s just something to think about. We don’t have to decide today.” She shakes her head. “But soon.”

“Well, I like the idea of red and pink.” Carina says.

Maya laughs. Maybe one of the first true, genuine laughs that she’s had since Carina left. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here, bella.”

Maya sighs. “No, you’re there. Not here.”

“I miss you too.” Carina whispers. “So so much.” She didn’t think she would miss Maya this much. It’s so much more than she’s ever missed anything or anyone. She misses Andrea but not in the same way. This is more of a whole body ache than a heartache. “I’ll be back soon.”

Maya hums, looking down at her lap, at her clipboard, for a moment before looking up again. She pushes forward. “What about food?”

“Si. I do have an answer for this one.”

“Oh, have you been thinking about it?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. But I know what it needs to be. I mean- you can have your input as well. But here, in Italy. A wedding meal is an absolute feast. A huge meal. Multiple foods, lots of courses, if you will. We need to have lots of food. That doesn’t run out the whole night. And lots of wine.”

“Of course.”

Carina knows exactly what they need to eat. Specifically, for the main course. “Ziti. And not baked ziti like in the US. Just ziti, the noodles, with a sauce.”

“Why?” Maya doesn’t think she’s ever heard of having pasta at a wedding. Then again, she doesn’t know anything about Italian weddings.

“Tradition.” Carina says and Maya smiles at her like she’s the greatest thing. Well, in Maya’s mind she is. But for the fact that Carina wants to bring an Italian tradition into their wedding. “In Italy, in Sicily, ziti is traditionally served at a wedding meal. In the Sicilian dialect, ziti is the plural form of zito, which means bridegroom, or like, fiancé, or to be married. Maccheroni di zita. Macaroni of the bride.” Carina smiles, big and proud.

Maya giggles and shakes her head. “That’s not what it means. It can’t be.”

“Would I lie?” Carina sits up a little in bed. “No.”

“Oh.” Maya lets the words sink in. “Okay.”

Carina giggles. “Okay. That’s it?”

“Well.” Maya nods. “How can I argue with that? But there will be other things to eat, yes?”

“Si. You pick. That was my only- what’s the word- request. That and cake.” Carina winks. “If we are having a wedding, there needs to be cake.”

“Okay, what other things are there to eat at Italian weddings?” Maya actually wants to know now. She’s been thinking about the whole ‘I have made no effort to learning your culture or your language’ thing.

“Ah, well, seafood. Especially in southern Italia. Shrimps, anchovies, tuna, bass, swordfish, octopus.”

“Octopus?” Maya gasps.

Carina laughs.

“We’re not having octopus.”

“Okay, bella.” Carina runs her hand through her hair. “There’s salads and appetizers. Hors d'oeuvres.” Carina thinks of what else there might be. “Pasta. Not always ziti, depending on the areas. It varies. Sorbet. Sorbet is a big one, I think.”

Maya writes the words ziti and sorbet on her paper.

“Are you writing this down?” Carina asks.

Maya nods. “So I don’t forget.”

“How are you going to forget?” Carina chuckles a little. It seems so silly that Maya would forget something like this.

Maya sighs. “There’s a lot going on.”

Carina rolls her head to the side. “I’m sorry, bella. But if this is too much you need to let me know. We don’t have to do all this. All that matters to me is that at the end of the day you and I are married. The details are-“ She waves her hand at the phone.

“I know. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just don’t want to forget anything. Or-“ She smirks a little. “Miss any details.”

“I love you.” Carina sighs.

“And I love you, my Italian queen.” Maya chews on her lip, unsure of how the words are going to hit.

“Maya.” Tears form in her eyes, her chin trembles a little, but Carina manages to hold it in. She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Tell me about your family, or an American wedding dinner.”

Maya hums. “Depends on the area. And then on the family and their background. So probably it varies more than even an Italian wedding meal. I know a lot of people do starters or snacks. And then at the meal it’s a meat or two.”

“Two meats?”

“Lots do chicken, beef tips, even steak. Together. I suppose a Hispanic wedding would be different than that. I’ll have to ask Andy. Or any heritage or culture would be different. But I think a basic white person wedding is like meat and potatoes. I have heard of cheese ravioli for a vegetarian option at weddings instead of chicken or beef. A lot of people have the meal. Those things. And then later in the night, the cake is served. And then, even later, some people now have, like, a pizza bar or ice cream bar. Tacos maybe. Something fairly simple at the end of the night.”

“Wow.” Carina thinks about it. Some of that sounds like a good idea to her. “I do like tacos. And pizza.”

Maya laughs. “I know.”

“But if we have pizza it has to be the good kind. Not Americano.” Carina points a finger at the screen.

“Of course.” Maya smiles, happier than she thought she could ever be. Even with the distance, she feels it. That underlying happiest is always there.

Over the past week she feels like she’s been struggling a little. With the distance. She knows it’s not good to be so co-dependent, but Maya can’t shake the feeling that part of her is missing. She doesn’t want to talk to Carina about it though. She doesn’t want to get Carina worried about her. And she doesn’t want to bring the spirit or mood down. The situation is difficult enough. She doesn’t need to add more to it all right now.

But she knows if she isn’t able to shake the feeling then Maya is going to have to do something about it. Whether that’s mentioning it to Carina, or maybe Andy or Vic. The thought of calling up Dr. Lewis has passed through her brain once or twice. She’s someone that Maya could talk to where it wouldn’t be a burden on anyone else.

Chapter 38

Notes:

As always thanks for the questions, comments, kudos.

No, i'm not a writer for the show. I'm a landscaper in Wisconsin. lol but thanks to the folks who comment 'you could be a writer for the show' or 'are you sure you're not a write for the show'. It gives me a vote of confidence.

In this update: So I’ve split the next portion up into two parts. I wanted them both together originally, but I think I like it better this way now. So this chapter is more Maya centric. The next chapter will be almost all about Carina.

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Her right leg bounces anxiously as she sits in the waiting room. She wants to reach up and scratch her face where the mask covers the bridge of her nose.

“Hello, Maya.” Dr. Lewis welcomes Maya into her office. “Have a seat. I’m glad to see you today.”

Maya hums. She would usually come back with a polite hello but she’s too caught up in her own head.

“Have a seat.” Dr. Lewis offers again when Maya just stands there. She understands that her clients are often dealing with something and aren’t thinking as clearly as maybe they would be in other settings. Dr. Lewis goes to her own seat on the other side of the desk. “What brings you here today? I know we’ve talked a few times at the station. But that’s mostly been about your team. Is this a more personal visit? What do you want to achieve out of therapy?”

“I’ve always been independent.” Maya jumps right in. “I didn’t need help from anybody. I didn’t need someone to love. I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. And now Carina’s been gone for little over a week, and I feel like I can’t breathe properly. What’s wrong with me?”

Dr. Lewis chuckles lightly.

“Are you allowed to laugh at your patients?” Maya folds her arms over her chest, defensive.

“No.” Dr. Lewis shakes her head. “Not as a rule. But I’m not laughing at you.”

Maya stares over at the doctor so Dr. Lewis moves on.

“Carina is-?” Dr. Lewis writes down Carina’s name in a notebook.

“My girlfriend- uh, fiancée.”

“Oh, congrats?”

“It’s a recent thing.” Maya waves a dismissive hand. “So, yes. And she’s gone. She had to go to Italy. And she’s only been gone for like a week and I can’t stand it. What’s wrong with me?”

“First of all, nothings necessarily wrong with you. Second, I’m going to need more information about Carina.” Dr. Lewis makes a few notes in a notebook.

Maya sighs. She shakes her head next. “Carina is- Carina is everything to me. I know, I sound crazy, but I feel like- she came into my life and, at first, part of me fought it. But only because I had feelings for her. But she wouldn’t take no for an answer. And she took care of me.” Maya sighs, thinking back to the beginning of their relationship when she cried in Carina’s arms about terrible calls, and her crew not liking her or respecting her as captain, about Rigo and then Captain Herrera.

“You two are engaged?” Dr. Lewis has to make sure she is following along correctly.

“Yeah.” Maya smiles.

“Maya, when I talked to you after Rigo died, you talked about wanting to die. Is that something you’re still dealing with?” She’s trying to figure out where Maya is at right now. Trying to get a read on Maya because the woman seems all over the place.

Maya shakes her head. “No. No. I thought about dying.”

“Thought?”

“Yeah.”

“Past tense. You don’t think that anymore?”

Maya shakes her head. “No. I think the last time I thought about it was right after I cheated on Carina.”

“You cheated on her?”

“Yeah.” Maya nods. “I slept with Jack.”

Dr. Lewis chuckles. “Sorry. Just, wow. But she took you back.”

“It’s a miracle, I know.” Maya rolls her eyes.

“I wouldn’t say it’s a miracle. I don’t know or understand the situation or the circumstances, but if she could forgive you and felt like you two could move past it, then I don’t see why she wouldn’t take you back. It all depends on the people in the relationship and their understanding with and of each other. I think, sometimes it works after that and sometimes it doesn’t.”

Maya frowns.

“What?”

“I still feel bad about it. Like I’ll never be able to make up for what I did.”

“Do you know why you slept with Jack if you were in a committed relationship with Carina?”

“Yeah.”

“I loved her and I was scared. I was scared that I was going to ruin the relationship with my control issues. With the way my dad raised me. With the way I am so like he is. She pushed me to talk about it.” Maya stares over at the doctor. “My dad abused me.”

Dr. Lewis furrows her brow and writes that down.

“And Carina wanted me to talk about it and I didn’t want to. I got mad, and I left, and I slept with Jack. It’s terrible but that’s what I did. And then I threw it in Carina’s face to hurt her, because I was trying to sabotage the relationship, and I knew that hurting her would make me hurt the most, and that’s what I was trying to do. Punish myself in any way that I could.” She knows she’s rambling and just spitting everything out and it’s probably not the right procedure or helpful.

“You came to all of these realizations yourself?” Dr. Lewis asks.

Maya shrugs. “Carina helped. After I admitted my father abused me and I apologized; we did a lot of talking.”

Dr. Lewis hums. “Most of my patients don’t come to me with so much insight into themselves.”

“Thanks.” Maya mumbles. “So, no, I haven’t thought about dying. And that’s because of Carina.” She smirks a little. “Something about resting, and loving, and sleeping in this life. I think you said.” Dr. Lewis nods, she doesn’t remember the specific wording. “Anyway, I have. I do. Carina allows me to do that.”

“That great, Maya. Really great. I’m happy for you.”

“But I feel like maybe- and I just realized this with her being gone, that I might be depending on her too much. Relying on her to help me, and fix me, and make sure that I don’t bottle things up. And here’s the thing. We’re getting married. And I haven’t been the most attentive. I didn’t know that she was having issues with her visa. And I haven’t put in a lot of effort to learn about Italy, and her culture, and her language. She lives in my world. Almost completely. And I feel like- I realized- I haven’t been doing enough. And I can make all the excuses in the world. I’m busy at work, the pandemic is overwhelming, her brother died, FD is watching my every move waiting for me to take a misstep. All of it. And I had been. She suggested therapy when we talked about my abusive father, but I just pushed it aside with everything else that was going on. Now. Now, we’re getting married. And I feel like I need to do better. I need to be a better wife. It’s not fair to her. So that’s why I’m here. I need someone to talk to about all my shit because it’s not fair to put that burden all on her. And also I’m struggling with her being gone and I don’t want to talk to her about it because she’ll worry because it’s about her.”

“Okay.” Dr. Lewis takes a deep breath.

“It’s a lot, I know.”

“No, this is good. And it sounds like for the most part you and Carina have a healthy, honest relationship. It’s great to talk about things with your partner. But sometimes, like you said, it can be too much or overwhelming. I do think, though, that you coming here is good. Maybe we can start seeing each other on a weekly basis. That being said, it is completely normal to miss someone while they are away. How long is Carina going to be gone?”

“Three more weeks.” Maya hums. “Then two weeks of quarantine. Then we are to get married a few days later.”

“And why are you getting married? If I may ask.”

“So she can stay in the US.” Maya sighs. “I know. It’s not the right reason, but I felt like we were on the way to marriage eventually.” She chuckles a little. “Carina already considered us married.”

Though maybe a little concerning, Dr. Lewis doesn’t have an overall problem or see an overall problem with them getting married. But that’s not for her to decide anyway.

“And I want to be the best wife I can be. So, I thought I would finally do the actual therapy thing. I know it’s long overdue. Before I met Carina, I would have scoffed and swore off therapy. I thought I didn’t need that. I was in denial about a lot of things. She’s changed my outlook on life. She helps me see things in different ways. She’s shown me that I can be loved, what real love is, and that it’s not something to run away from. I was running. For most of my life, I was running away from things. Eyes forward. I never looked back. On anything that did. On my mistakes. I was always moving forward. Trying to reach that next goal. Carina made me stop, slow down, reflect on things. And it wasn’t like she said hey, stop and reflect it just happened. And I know I’m stubborn. And I have a tendency to want to keep everything locked inside. And it’s not always going to be easy for us. But I think if we can remain honest and truthful with each other, that it will work. She’s it. That’s it. The love of my life. And I’m scared. Everyday. That she’s not going to return from Italy. I now, it’s silly. But that’s her homeland. What if she decides to stay there?”

Dr. Lewis smirks. “That’s unlikely, since you plan to marry so she can stay in this county.”

Maya chuckles. “I know. It’s an irrational fear.” She raps her fingertips against the arm of her chair. “Do I depend on her too much?”

“That’s a hard one to answer. But I think you being here, talking to me, is a sign that maybe you don’t. Or that if you do or did, talking to me can take away some of that dependency. It’s good to lean on other friends, family, co-workers.”

“I don’t talk to my family.” Maya mumbles.

“Okay, friends and co-workers then.”

“My crew is helping with the wedding prep. Carina said we can only have a wedding if I have everyone help and I don’t do everything myself. She knows me so well that she knows I would do everything myself. That I would want to control everything.”

“Good. See.” Dr. Lewis points her pen at Maya. “Leaning on friends and co-workers.”

Maya and Dr. Lewis discuss other topics that Maya would like to work on in therapy before they break for the day. Maya sets up an appointment for the next week before she leaves.

She feels a little lighter as she leaves the office building. She likes that Dr. Lewis is set up in a non-descript building. It gives her visit a sort of anonymity.


“Hey Hughes, when you are finished with your breakfast-” Maya grabs a banana from the basket on the counter. “I’d like a word with you in my office.”

“Ohhh, you’re in trouble.” Travis teases.

Maya shakes her head. “She’s not in trouble. It’s wedding stuff.” She walks away from the group that is gathered around the table, eating, back to her office.

“Yes, captain.” Vic rises from her chair, taking her cereal bowl with her and follows after Maya. She comes into the office and sits down across from Maya at the desk, eating the rest of her cereal and looking over expectantly at Maya.

“You could have finished your breakfast.” Maya peels her banana and bites the top off of it. She points the banana at Vic. “And don’t spill any of that in here.”

“I won’t.” Vic tips the bowl to her lips, drinking the milk from the bottom. “Cuz I’m done.” She sets the bowl down on the corner of Maya’s desk. “What did you want to talk about?”

“You were off for a few days.” Maya thinks back to the fire at the restaurant. “Carina sends her condolences about the restaurant, by the way. But she has also agreed to a wedding. With some conditions, of course.”

Vic nods. “Tell Carina thanks. My parents were devastated. That’s their whole life.” She sighs, sadly. Vic knows they absolutely love the restaurant and serving their customers. She just wishes it didn’t come before she did some of the time. “They are adamant about gutting the place and remodeling as soon as they can. I helped them some while I was off. They just love that place so much. They are nearly done with removing everything. It’s crazy.”

Maya hums. “Good for them.”

Vic nods. They sit in silence for a moment, thinking about the restaurant.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”

Maya nods. She folds her hands together, setting them on the desktop, leaning forward a little. “So, we are going to have a wedding, but Carina doesn’t want me to do everything myself.”

Vic laughs. “She knows you so well.”

“It’s both a blessing and a curse.” Maya says lightly. “So that means I need my friends help. Travis is on decorations. I wanted to ask if you would work on finding a venue. Since you were so excited about us getting engaged. I understand if you don’t want to or can’t because of everything that’s happened with the restaurant. But just think about it.”

“Maya, of course I’ll help. I was super excited when you said you and Carina were getting married. That sentiment still stands. Let’s do this. Lesbian Firehouse Wedding.” Vic does a double fist pump.

Maya smiles a little. “Will you stop calling it that though.”

“Why?” Vic pouts. She thought it was a clever phrase.

“Well, mostly because I’m not a lesbian. And neither is Carina.” Maya raises an eyebrow in Vic’s direction.

Vic opens her mouth to say something but just nods instead. She reaches across the desk, putting her hand on top of Maya’s, giving them a shake. “Bisexual Firehouse Wedding.”

Maya rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “So, you’ll help?”

“Yes, Maya. Count me in. What is everyone else doing?”

Maya shrugs. “I haven’t assigned anything to anyone else. You and Travis seemed the most excited. I thought about asking Andy to help with the food, but I don’t really want a Hispanic feast at my wedding. Carina and I have some specific foods that we want. I’m trying to contact caterers. I’m not sure what else we need. A space and food and some decorations. We’re just keeping it simple.”

Vic gets up and rounds the desk. “Get up.” She holds her arms open. “Give me a hug you big goofball. I’m super happy for you and Carina.”

“Thanks.” Maya hides her face against Vic’s shoulder but wraps her in a tight hug.

Vic claps on her back a few times. “What are the stipulations?” She asks and holds Maya at arm’s length.

“Because we don’t have a lot of time and we are in a pandemic; it probably has to be a place where we can get married and have a reception in the same space. Also, we don’t want some big ballroom or something crazy, it’ll probably be a small guest list.”

“Got it.” Vic nods once, sure. “I’m your venue man.”

Maya smiles, shy. They both know it’s hard for Maya to ask for help. Even with something like this. But she’s getting better at it.


It’s been a long day for Maya. It all started mid-morning when they were called out to a car accident scene. She arrived on the engine with Sullivan and Gibson. Herrera and Warren arrived right behind them in the aid car.

“This looks bad.” Sullivan comments as he brings the engine to a stop.

Maya accesses the situation from her seat for a split second before hopping out, boots stomping across the pavement as she approaches the car. A horn blares nonstop, from the car, as she gets a look up close at the accident.

A dump truck sits on a diagonal across the intersection, from the car, with front end damage. The car has clearly taken the impact into the driver’s side of the vehicle.

The car is smoking a little, but Maya doesn’t see any immediate threat of a fire. The smell of spilled coolants and oil pepper the air. The priority is checking on the driver. He looks to be the only occupant of the car. Maya walks up and sees the man slumped over, head hanging low. “Sir? Sir, are you alright? Can you hear me?”

She doesn’t get a reply. “Warren, Herrera over here.” She calls out. “Sullivan, check on the dump truck driver.” She leans in the smashed window with her hand and checks for a pulse on the man’s neck. She doesn’t feel one. She then puts her hand in front of the man’s nose and mouth. “PNB.” She yells out.

Warren runs over with a medical bag. “Where do you want me?”

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know if there’s anything we can do.”

“We have to do something.” Warren pleads.

Maya knows this. “Gibson, get this door open and get him out. Start CPR and get to the hospital.” She knows it’s probably a lost cause though. Captain Bishop takes a few steps back and watches as Gibson gets the door open in about thirty seconds. Then Herrera and Warren pull the man out and put him on a back board, strapping him to a gurney while Andy does CPR.

Maya goes over to the dump truck. Sullivan is standing near the driver who is sitting on the curb. “Are you hurt, sir?” Maya asks.

Sullivan glares at her. “I already asked. He says he’s fine.”

“Thank you, Sullivan. I am asking the patient. Do I need to get another ambulance here?”

“No. No. I’m fine. Just a little rattled.” The man exhales. “I never saw ‘em. I had the green. Was going through the intersection. And then a split second before I hit him, I saw him. BOOM.” The man smashes his right fist into the palm of his left hand.

Maya hums. “Okay, sir. That’s okay. You’ll need to tell the police that, not me.” She taps away at her tablet, noting everything about the scene and what has happened. And about the patient that was taken to the hospital pulseless not breathing.

They wrap up after about a half hour and head back to the station.

The aid car returns about fifteen minutes after them and Andy comes into the office. She flops down in the chair. “He didn’t make it. DOA.”

Maya hangs her head. That means she’ll have to do a more thorough report. Everything she witnessed, everything she heard, the driver’s status when she got there, how long it took to get him out of the car. They were quick, Maya knows that. There was just nothing they could do to help the man by the time they got there. There might not have been anything they could have done in the few seconds after the impact, even if they were there right away.

“Alright. Thanks.” Maya gives Andy a tight-lipped smile.

“Those are always tough.” Andy sinks down further in the chair, running a hand over her face.

“They are. If you need to take a few minutes that’s fine with me.” Maya understand that Andy took on the most from that scene.

“No, I’m good.” Andy pushes herself to sit up straighter. She knows the call is going to be in her head the rest of their shift. You just don’t forget something like that, and you don’t forget it for a long time. It’ll stick with her for days or a week before she will be able to move past it.

“Okay, grab something to eat and take a little break, don’t worry about chores right-“

The dispatch voice comes through the speaker in Maya’s office, and they are both up and on their feet to the next call.

The whole day goes like that. One call after another. Coming back to the station in between for only a few minutes or at most an hour before they are out again. There is a call for a kid with his head stuck between the balusters on a staircase. A kitchen fire. A car on fire in a garage that started to spread to the house.

She rubs her fingers over the vertebra in her neck as she lays down in her bunk. She’s just going to lay down for a few minutes. They just got back from the garage fire. She had the crew clean up and get something to eat right away, knowing with the day they’ve had they could be called back out at any minute.

She holds the phone in her left hand as she lays on her right side.

Carina picks up right away. “Ciao, bambina.”

“Hello, my love.” Maya says trying to sound chipper even though she feels anything but.

Carina smiles, taking Maya in, seeing that Maya’s smile doesn’t quite pull all the way, her eyes don’t light up like they normally do. She lets it be for now though.

“What does your day have in store?”

Carina chuckles a little. It’s the same as just about every other day that she’s had in Italy so far. “Going to the hospital and working on Covid patients. I’m hoping I get out at a reasonable hour today. It’s supposed to be my short day this week.”

“How has your week been?” Maya asks, they haven’t talked a lot the last couple of days. Mostly just a quick hello and check in before one or both of them were busy with something.

“Okay. I’m in the thick of it now, so it’s tiring some of the time. There’s lots to do.” Carina explains.

Maya closes her eyes but nods. “Okay.”

“Are you in your bunk? Are you tired?” Carina knows Maya isn’t one for sleeping a lot while on shift.

Truthfully, Maya has a headache.

And Carina can tell. Maya has had her eyes closed half the time they are on the video call.

“Bambina, are you alright?”

Maya tries to brush it off. “It’s just a headache.” She rubs her fingers over her forehead. It’s not one of those headaches that’s just in the front, behind her eyes, it’s her whole head. The back of the head, above the spine and the front behind the eyes, in the temples. Maya feels it all over.

“It’s been a long day. With lots of calls. And a nasty MVC where a car ran a red light and was t-boned buy a dump truck. The guy in the car didn’t survive.”

“Oh, dio. I’m sorry, Maya.”

“Is there a full moon today?” Maya tries to joke. They usually have crazy busy days or crazy calls on full moons.

“Actually, I think there is.” Carina remembers someone at the hospital mention something about it yesterday. She knows, as well as Maya, that crazy stuff happens during a full moon. And now that she knows Maya had a busy, hectic day she has another question. “Have you had anything to eat today? Or had enough water to drink?”

Maya sighs. “I wanted to talk to you before your shift.” She knows it’s bad. She knows she needs to eat. And that’s probably part of the reason she has a headache.

Carina gives Maya a stern look. “You have to eat, or I won’t talk to if you aren’t eating right and taking care of yourself.”

Now, Maya feels bad. “I’m sorry.” She mumbles weakly.

“Bella, I’m just worried about you. I know how much pressure and stress you can put on yourself sometimes and it’s bad for your health. I love you very very much. But I need you go get something to eat and drink and I will talk to you another time.” Carina doesn’t want to baby Maya, but she knows how stubborn Maya can be. And sometimes, she needs a little push.

Maya pulls the phone up close to her face, accepting her fate. “I love you.” She kisses the screen.

“Ti amo, bella.” Carina blows her a kiss and hangs up.

Maya rolls onto her back and groans. She wants to get angry and maybe even throw her phone across the room. She wanted to talk to Carina for more than a couple minutes. But she knows Carina is right. So, with a sigh, Maya pushes herself up and goes to see what the crew is having for their late dinner.


Maya goes to see Dr. Lewis again. A week after their first visit. This visit more of a therapy session than the first where they just went over what Maya wants to address and what she wants to get out of therapy.

Later that day, Travis comes to Maya with decoration ideas. “It would help though if I knew what the space looked like.”

Maya nods. She knows that. “Vic is on finding a venue. As soon as she finds one, we can go look at it. Okay?”

“Okay.” Travis nods. “How you doing, Cap?”

“I’m fine, Montgomery.” She ducks her head, hoping he doesn’t pick up on her misleading behavior.

Travis smirks. “I know that’s a lie.”

Maya snaps her head over in his direction. He grins at her, all teeth. “Fine. Some days are difficult.”

“You miss the ole wifey.” He teases lightly.

“Yes.” Maya chews on her lips. She’s not going to deny it.

Travis sighs. “What an epic love story.” He looks off into the distance as he thinks about it.

Maya eyes him curiously.

He finally looks back in Maya’s direction. “We’ll figure out all the wedding stuff. Don’t you worry.” Travis spins on his heels and exits the office, a little bounce in his step as he goes to find Vic and ask about the venue search. He will help with that, too, if he needs to.

Maya is home the next day. She spent most of the day sleeping. And then went for a run. She made sure to eat dinner. One of the many meals that Carina had anxiety cooked in her time following her resignation from the hospital. Each one is just a delicious as the last, and Maya thanks her lucky stars for the amazing Italian woman in her life. She made sure to eat because she knows Carina will ask about it. She’s asked the last few times they’ve talked since she found out that Maya hadn’t had a proper meal on her busy full moon day.

She mentions to Carina the thoughts Travis had for decorations. “Some white lights strung about. He too like the idea of red and pink. But only for table decorations or flowers. Not too much red and pink. Not overdoing it.”

Carina hums as Maya reads from her clipboard. “Vic is looking for a venue. I thought about asking Andy to help with food. But I don’t want a Hispanic meal.” Maya chuckles a little. “We also need to figure out who’s going to marry us.”

“I hadn’t even thought of that.” Carina takes a moment to think about what is possible. “Do we hire someone? I don’t even know how it works.” She’s beginning to think that International Wedding Planning is more than they can handle.

Maya shakes her head. “No. Well-“ She hums, thinking over everything she knows about weddings, which isn’t a lot. “I think we could hire someone. I don’t know what the options would be for that on short notice and in the middle of an epidemic.”

“Oh. What else then?” Carina plays with the ends of her hair. She needs to shower before she goes to work, but she wanted to catch Maya first.

“Some people get ordained. I think you can do that online.” Maya is not entirely sure. She’ll have to look into it. She makes a note in her wedding planning notepad. “We could go that route. We might have to go that route.”

Carina nods. “It’s fine with me. So that means someone we know could marry us? I like that.”

“Yeah.” Maya smiles. “Any ideas?”

Carina runs through the people that she knows, that would be willing to do something like that. She then thinks about the people that Maya knows. She knows a number of Maya’s crew would probably say yes if they asked.

Maya taps her pen against the inside of her thigh. She thinks Captain Herrera would have been perfect to marry them. He was like a dad to Maya. She doesn’t know too many people very well outside of the fire community, so there aren’t any options there. She thinks maybe someone from the hospital would be perfect to marry them. Someone that Carina is close with.

“What about Ben?” Carina suggests. “We’ve both worked with him.”

Slowly, very slowly, a smile starts on Maya’s lips, curling up into full bloom. “He is like the dad of the station now.” He’s replaced Pruitt in that dad role.

Carina laughs. “Ben is such a dad. Perfetto.”

“I will ask him.” Maya says her head. “What do you think about a guest-“

“Hey.” Gabriella knocks on the doorframe getting Carina’s attention. She sees that she’s on the phone with Maya.

“Ciao, capitana.” She stands at attention and salutes Maya when Carina turns the camera to her.

Carina laughs and Maya rolls her eyes. “Ciao, Gabriella. How is Carina?”

“Hey, I’m right here. You could ask me.” Carina chuckles a little.

“I know Gabriella will tell me the pure, honest truth.” Maya smirks and wiggles her eyebrows.

Carina wrinkles up her face and pouts a little.

“Good, for the most part. Some days are difficult, and some days aren’t so bad. She misses you like crazy. She complains about it every damn day.” Gabriella chuckles a little. “How are you, Maya?”

Maya is a little taken aback. She kind of just stares at the screen for a moment. She didn’t think Gabriella would ask about her. “I’m okay. I’ve probably been better. I know I’ve been worse. I didn’t think, I didn’t know it would feel this way.” She isn’t going to elaborate any further. Maya pulls at her bottom lip, twisting and turning it.

Thankfully, Gabriella doesn’t inquire further. “And how’s the wedding prep going?” Gabriella asks.

“Well, I’ve doled out some of the biggest tasks. My team is helping. They are all excited about the wedding. It’s something good to look forward to with all the bad in the world lately.”

“That it is. I wish I could be there but, alas, I am stuck here.” Gabriella pouts. “I will be there in heart and mind.” She grins over at Carina, addressing her next. “I just wanted to see what you wanted to do for breakfast.”

“Can we stop on the way to the hospital?”

Gabriella nods. “Va bene, tesoro.” She walks away from Carina. “Bye, Maya.” She yells with a chuckle.

“How are you?” Maya asks Carina now.

Carina laughs. “Maya.”

“What? I need your take now.” Maya rests her elbow against the table, raising her hand, making a fist, and then leaning her cheek against that fist. She just stares at Carina. “You’re beautiful. Even through a screen, even thousands of miles away.” She sighs.

“Oh, bambina. Don’t start with that. You’re going to make me cry.”

“I’m sorry.” Maya shrugs her left shoulder. “I miss you and I can’t wait for you to come home.”

“I know. I miss you too.” Carina has to look away from Maya. She wiggles her nose a little at the urge to cry. She closes her eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath.

Maya takes a deep breath too. “I have something that I need to tell you.”

Carina’s eyebrows raise.

“It’s not bad.” Maya shakes her head. “I see that look on your face.”

“Cosa?”

“I started seeing Dr. Lewis. I’ve gone twice now. Well, the first time was just like a run through, an introductory. But I went for real yesterday morning.” She’s got little nervous butterflies in her stomach at the revelation, nervous to hear what Carina thinks.

“That’s wonderful, bambina.” She smiles, proud. “What made you- why now?”

Maya shrugs. “I just-“ She sighs. “I don’t-“ She struggles.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I need to.” Maya is serious about this. “Talk about it. I need to tell you. When we had our big fight- it made me see things from your perspective more. And I’ve been understanding that more and more over the last few weeks. I’m still doing things that I don’t want to be doing. I still think about how I’m just like my dad in so many ways. I’m still controlling, to a degree. I still have anxiety. And with you gone- I’ve been struggling with that. With the distance. I feel like I might be becoming codependent. I lean on you for everything. And that’s not right. You shouldn’t have to take all of that.”

“But I want to help. I like to help. I like to be the one person that you tell everything too.” Carina pouts.

Maya smiles. “I know, my love. And that doesn’t have to change. But I feel like the burden could be too great at some point. And I don’t want to get to that point and have it break us. So, I think if I can talk to someone else too about everything that I’ve got going on-“ Maya sucks her bottom lip into her mouth for a moment. “-it will help me be the best wife I can be.”

Carina closes her eyes. “Maya-“ She hums. “You are- you are-“ She doesn’t even have the words. “Amazing. I love you so soo much. And I’m super happy and proud for you.”

“It’s not easy for me.”

“I know. That’s why I’m so proud.”

“I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes, so I think this will be good. I know it’s not a cure-all, but it should help me work through a lot of things. Things that I’m still trying to avoid.”

“Like your papa.” Carina gives Maya a knowing look.

“Exactly.” Maya rolls her eyes. “But- I don’t want to keep you from breakfast.” Maya winks, knowingly. “It’s the most important meal of the day.”

Carina laughs. “Yes, Maya.”

Maya grins. “Just making sure you eat your breakfast.” She teases. She knows they are going to tease each other and make sure the other is eating enough and taking care of themselves until they can physically see each other again. “I love you. I will talk to you soon. And have a good day.”

“I love you, Maya. Sleep well, goodnight.” Carina sighs. She wishes she were at home, wrapped up in bed with Maya tonight.

Chapter 39

Notes:

Hello world. I took a break from this story for the holidays but I'm back. Happy New Year!

Thanks for all the comments, kudos on the last update. I hope everyone is digging the additions i have made to Maya and Carina's journey on the show. This update is mostly about Carina. How she’s is (or isn’t) coping with seeing Covid all the time at the hospital. Her and Gabri go to spread Andrew’s ashes. There is a chat with Maya about the wedding venue. And then Carina’s return to Seattle.
It has all the feels. Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Carina comes ‘home’ after a sixteen hour shift at the hospital. She’s just dealing with covid patients the entire time. It’s exhausting mentally and physically. At least, in Seattle, she got to deal with her regular patients in OB in addition to helping when needed with Covid patients. This, here in Italy, is a totally different ball game. Everyday it’s about coming to the hospital trying to prevent people from dying of the same thing, over and over and over. For every person they manage to save, it seems like another dies.

It's got Carina thinking that death really has a way of putting things into perspective. Life, in general. And as much nostalgia as she has for life in Italy and how much she loves it, this isn’t where she wants to be, needs be to be, yearns to be. Italy will always be her home, her native county, her native tongue. It’s the place she was born and grew up. It’s the place with all her heritage. It’s where her parents are from, where they were born and grew up. Where they fell in love and got married. Where they brought two children into the world.

It’s also the place where her parent’s relationship fell apart. Where they got divorced. Where they split her and Andrea apart. Where her father’s mental illness took hold. Where she had to grow up and be the adult as a child. Where she had to have all this responsibility because her father was too unstable to have any of his own. Where she had to care for him.

It's a bit of a double edged sword. With things so good and then so bad all wrapped into one.

And in a few days, it’s going to be the place where she spreads half of Andrea’s ashes. She and Gabriella have planned a weekend trip to her hometown. To that beach, on the sea, where she and Andrea would play as children. Where they spent so much of their time, so much of their summers. It’s the perfect place.

Carina spends a lot of time thinking about her brother. Andrea. How he is gone too soon? How he can’t come back to Italy anymore. How his homeland won’t get to receive him ever again; just this one last time when she spreads his ashes. Carina gets up and goes into the room. She gets the container with his ashes. She left the urn in Seattle. It sits on the mantle over the fireplace in the apartment. Or, at least, that’s where Carina left it. Maya could have moved it since she left. Carina thinks it won’t always sit on the mantle though. It’s just there for now. She knows other decorations go there or, she doesn’t know yet, but maybe Christmas decorations in the winter. Now it’s pictures in frames, and candles, and that poster that Maya has of the 1960 Rome Olympics. The urn can probably go on one of the shelves on either side of the tv for a more permanent home.

She sets the container on the table and sits down. Carina has done this a few times since she’s been in Italy, to feel closer to Andrea. She wonders what the weather will be like when she and Gabriella go down to the sea to spread his ashes. It’s summer, so she expects it to be warm, if not hot. Carina just hopes it’s not raining. They only have enough time to be there for a few hours so it would be disappointing if it were to rain.

Her thoughts shift to Maya. And being able to bring Maya here one day. To her hometown, to Italy in general. To be able to show her the sights, all of Carina’s favorite places, where she grew up, the house they lived in. To go to the beach that she and Andrea played at as kids and even went to as teenagers.

Gabriella walks into the room. “What up with that look?” She pulls a jug of water from the fridge and pours herself a glass.

Carina hums, pensive. “Just thinking about being able to bring Maya to Italy one day.”

“Oh boy.” Gabriella shakes her head. “Do you think blondie would come all this way?”

“Si.” Carina narrows her eyes at her friend. “She wanted to- well, I don’t know if wanted to is the right phrase. She was willing to come now, with me, to help out until my visa issues were sorted. She wanted to do that. For me. Even with everything that is going on.”

Gabriella comes over and sits across from Carina. “I haven’t told you this yet. But you are very lucky to have found someone who is protective of you. Of all of you. Even when a world away. And someone who is willing to drop everything if something is wrong. To fly halfway around the world.”

Carina smirks. “She wasn’t always like that.”

“No?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. I don’t know when it changed. At the beginning, when we first started seeing each other, Maya put her career before everything else. Before everything. It didn’t matter what it was. She wouldn’t even go on vacation. And maybe that’s around the time it changed. Or started to change. When we went on our first vacation together.”

Gabriella hums, thoughtful.

Carina thinks about it too. “But then maybe not. I don’t know. That thing with Jack happened and-“ She sighs. “-I don’t really know.”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

Carina wrinkles her brow. “About what?”

“Getting married.”

“No, not at all.”

Gabriella spins her water glass around. “So, that thing with Jack. You’re not worried about it?”

Carina shakes her head. For the most part, she isn’t. Maya has changed or is trying to change her behaviors since then. “She started going to therapy. And it had less to do with Jack than I originally thought. It really had nothing to do with Jack.”

Gabriella laughs. “Yeah, except that she had sex with him. That sounds like it was a lot about him.”

“No. It was-“ Carina shakes her. She shouldn’t talk about Maya without her being present like this. “It’s not my story to tell.”

“I still can’t believe you took her back.” Gabriella gets up. “Blondie, must be that great in bed.” She chuckles.

“Well-“ Carina tilts her head to the side. “Yes. She has amazing stamina. But that’s really neither here or there. She’s changed.”

Gabriella comes around the table, taps Carina on the top of the head. “Ah, and so have you.”

“I have?”

“Si. Very much so. The you I knew wouldn’t have blinked twice if someone cheated on you. You would have gone out and found someone else. You wouldn’t linger on it. Or if you did, you wouldn’t show it. You would dump them or stop seeing them or whatever the case was. This with you and blondie is obviously different.”

Carina hums. “Very. I’ve never known anyone on a level that I know Maya.” She almost proud of that fact. For herself and for Maya. “She’s my person.” Carina smiles almost shyly.

Gabriella smiles. “I’m going to bed. Don’t stay up too late with your brother.” She points at the container on the counter.

“I won’t. I’m going too.” She grabs the container and tucks it under her arm, heading for the bedroom as well. “Good night.”

“Bouna notte.” Gabriella winks before she disappears into her room.

Carina sets the container down on the table in her room. She grabs the little bear from near the pillow and tucks into bed. She kisses the bear. “Bouna notte, George.” Carina finally thought of a name for the bear a few days ago.


The car that Gabriella has rented is tiny. A tiny little Fiat. And it’s the first time she wishes she were back in the US with their ginormous everything, including vehicles. She misses her car and hopes that Maya is taking good care of it. She paid enough money for it. The one true luxury item in Carina’s life.

“Uncomfortable?” Gabriella asks as she sees Carina shifting around in the passenger’s seat.

Carina groans. “My legs are too long for this tiny car.” They been driving all morning and Carina is starting to feel claustrophobic and cramped in her space.

Gabriella laughs. “Sounds like a personal problem.”

Carina groans again, sinking down in her seat until her knees hit the dashboard. She runs her hands through her hair in frustration. “How much longer?” They’ve been driving since five in the morning.

Gabriella looks at the navigation system. “Looks like just over two hours yet.”

She doesn’t know why she feels so irritable. Maybe it was getting up at four in the morning. Maybe it’s lack of good sleep as a whole. Or maybe it’s more to do with the thing they are about to go do. Carina cradles the container closer against her stomach.

They finally arrive that their destination. Carina jumps out of the car like it’s on fire. Gabriella chuckles a little. Carina takes a couple laps around the car, stretching her legs.

“We could have stopped somewhere, if you wanted to stretch, you know.” Gabriella climbs out of the care much slower.

Carina shakes out her arms, stretching them over her head before turning around and looking out at the sea. Any stiffness in her body released immediately. She’s taken back to days of childhood, playing on the beach with Andrea. Him building sandcastles and her collecting shells or rocks or anything else she could find. And then teenage years, when he would visit in the summer, and her laying on the towel in the sand trying to perfect her tan while Andrew ran around with some preteen girls trying his very best to flirt with them but failing miserably.

She turns back to the car and retrieves the container that contains his ashes. Carina clutches it to her chest and just stands there for a while staring out at the water. It’s a fairly calm day, just a bit of a ripple in the water.

Gabriella comes around the car and puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder, startling her. “Sorry.” It’s mumbled but Gabriella is true in her apology. “Do you-“ She pauses. “I can stand with you, or do you want to do this alone?”

Carina finally looks over at her friend. She licks her lips, unable to find the words to say. Carina nods.

Gabriella nods in reply. She puts a hand on Carina’s lower back, urging her forward. They walk down towards the water. The closer they get the more unsure Carina gets. She’s starting to think she can’t do this. She can’t go through with this. She can’t part with Andrea.

But then she’s standing there, and the breeze picks up. Carina’s loose hair blows across her face. “Andrea.” She whispers and brushes her hair from her face.

“I’ll be back here.” Gabriella whispers and takes a few steps backwards, away from Carina, and sits in the sand.

Carina looks back at Gabriella, her lip quivering a little. Gabriella gives her an encouraging nod and Carina turns back around.

“Andrea-“ A tear slips from her right eye and Carina wipes it away before continuing. She doesn’t want to cry. “I am spreading some of your ashes here. This was one of our favorite places in life. This is where you were born. One of your homes. I’ll keep the rest of your ashes with me in Seattle. Your other home. And now my home.” Carina chuckles, if a little cynically. “You claimed Wisconsin as a home too, but I’m not going there. Sorry.” She laughs lightly. “At least, not now.”

“But back to Seattle. I don’t know if you know. And if you were here, I know you would tease me mercilessly about it, but Maya and I are getting married in a few weeks.” Carina grins knowing that Andrea would definitely spend a large amount of time making Carina know that he finds it interesting to see her so settled down. “I never thought it would happen either. For one, I didn’t want to get married. But, I also never thought I would find anyone that I could marry and be satisfied with. But, here I am.” Carina smiles, warm and gentle.

“I wish you could be here for it, but I’m glad that you at least got to meet Maya and that we all had dinner together. I think we are going to keep your motorcycle. And- and-“ It’s hard to keep the tears at bay at this part. “Your death was unfair and so devastating, but Maya has been my rock this entire time. She’s more wonderful than I thought, than I could have imagined, and I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. So that’s the biggest thing going on in my life right now. Oh, and Gabri is here with me.” She turns around and smiles softly at Gabriella.

Gabriella pushes herself to her feet and moves over to Carina’s side.

“Do you want to say anything?” Carina asks.

There is a hum from Gabriella. “Well, Andrew, Andrea, what can I say? The boy who had a thing for me when I was in college. Ah, Andrea. A brilliant boy. Your brilliance will be missed. You will be missed.” Gabriella hangs her head.

Carina chews on her bottom lip, she steps forward, into the water. With tears in her eyes, she opens the container, holds it up in the air and pours it out. The little bit of wind that there is spreads the ashes out over the water’s edge and some on the wet sand. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, standing there for a moment before opening her eyes, putting the lid back on the container and turning around. Gabriella is standing right there and opens her arms. Carina falls into them, accepting the hug, thankful that her friend is here with her. She doesn’t think she could have done this alone.

Eventually, they go to sit in the sand. The sun is starting to droop in the sky. Not in its high midday position anymore as they are approach the second half of the afternoon.

“How long do you want to stay here?” Gabriella asks gently. She doesn’t want to upset Carina or force her to leave before she’s ready, but they have a long drive back. She knows Carina knows this, so she doesn’t bother mentioning it.

Carina hums. “Not sure.” But her stomach growls. It is sure.

Gabriella laughs. She gets up and holds out her hand to help Carina to her feet. “I think your stomach has made the decision.” Carina gets up. “And you can always come back here. With Maya.” Carina nods. She knows this, but it’s still a hard place to leave. She turns to go. Gabriella wraps an arm around her waist from behind. “We’ll stop somewhere for something to fill that grumbling stomach of yours.”

Carina smiles shyly. “I was too anxious to eat anything yet today.”

“I know.”

They leave the beach, getting back in the car, finding a places where they can run in and pick up some food that they can eat in the car before traveling back. It’s after dark when they return. Carina sleepily thanks Gabriella for today and heads to bed.


Carina has just gotten off shift when her phone rings. She smirks knowing exactly who it is that is calling.

“Ciao, bambina.” She answers her phone without looking at it.

Maya grins, happy to hear Carina’s voice. “Hello, my love. How are you? How was your shift?”

Carina smiles as she walks back to the house. “Good. Good. What are you up to?” She doesn’t want to talk about the people see saw die today. It’s too much to process right away. Carina knows at one point, probably after she’s back in Seattle and has time to think about her time working at a Covid hospital in Italy, that she’ll have to deal with what she’s seen in this Covid hell.

“Well, I just spoke with Vic and she hasn’t found a place yet.” Maya is starting to worry about this. They are going to need to have the wedding somewhere. “Buuut- Vic’s still working on it. I just hope we don’t have to do it at the station.” Maya knows that’s a last option, but she knows, at least, they could do it there if nowhere else works.

Carina groans. “Please, no. Everything happens there. This can’t.”

She can hear the stress in Carina’s voice. “I know, it won’t. I’ll make sure of it. If we have to do it in the middle of a park, then we will, and we’ll make it work.” Maya assures her. She sighs, knowing she’s going to have to figure this out.

They have been counting down Carina’s last week in Italy. “Only a few more days.” Carina reminds Maya.

“And then two more weeks.” Maya doesn’t mean to be a downer.

“Maya.” Carina scolds lightly.

“I know. I know. I just wish you weren’t so insistent on doing a two week quarantine when you return. What does it matter, really?” Maya knows it’s important, she just wants to be selfish.

Carina sighs. “It’s matter, Maya. You know that. Don’t say that. I don’t want to get you or anyone at the station sick. I know you guys get tested all the time, but this is different. And if something were to happen. If someone were to get sick, then what. No wedding. That can’t happen Maya. I need to be able to marry you.”

“I know, so the government doesn’t kick you out.” She rolls her eyes. Maya knows she’s being childish. She just wants to see Carina as soon as she returns. She wants to be able to kiss her and hold her.

“No, Maya. Not because of the government. Because of you.” Carina clicks her tongue. “You, bambina. You.” She sniffles a little, trying to keep the tears that she feels starting from falling. “I need to marry you because I love you and I can’t imagine not being with you every day. Every day for the rest of my life. Maya, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Seeing people dying everyday has done something to me, changed me. I’ve realized what’s really important in life, in my life. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s being able to be with them. All these people die without any family around. Alone. And some, now, are starting to allow a visitor when they are dying. But it’s someone dressed head to toe in PPE. And/or behind a plastic separator. That’s no way to die. All alone without family around them.”

“I know it’s difficult. And I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. I know you hate seeing that.” Maya tries to sympathize.

“No, Maya, listen. It’s not so much about the people dying. It’s about you and me. I was so stuck on what I thought I wanted. What I had convinced myself of. That I would never get married. Because of this thing or that thing. There are no guarantee in life. I’ve been taking that for granted.” Carina shakes her head. “Look at Andrea. That should have taught me. Life isn’t guaranteed. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Things have given me perspective while I’ve been in Italy. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want to get married. And I’m not just saying that. I want to be your family. I want to have a family with you.”

“I told you I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids.”

“I don’t mean kids. But we do have to revisit that topic. I mean, you and I, as a family. Whether that includes kids or no.”

“Oh.” Maya hadn’t really thought of the two of them as a family but now that Carina says it, them as a family sounds wonderful.

Carina is adamant about this. “So, si, I will be doing two weeks of quarantine. So that we can get married as soon as those two weeks are over.”

Maya chews on her lip. She’s a little speechless. “I love you, so much.”

Carina smiles softly. “I love you too, bella.” She whispers. “And I can’t wait to see you. When those two weeks are over.”

Maya chuckles lightly. “Yeah. Yeah.”


Carina wraps up her last shift at the hospital and they send her off with well wishes. She gets home and showers and falls into bed. Two more sleeps and she’ll be on a flight back to Seattle.

The next day is about packing up and getting everything ready to go.

Gabriella drops her off at the airport the following day with a hug and wishes for a safe flight, and a word or two for Maya.

During her flight back, Carina tries to take time to sleep, and when she’s not napping, she tries to compartmentalize what she’s seen and been through in Italy. The anxiety she feels upon landing is like nothing she’s ever experienced. And she doesn’t know why. She’s back in the US. She not that far away from their apartment, home. But Maya isn’t going to be there and maybe that’s what has Carina so worked up.

There is a plan in place. Maya and Andy came to the airport yesterday and dropped the car off in the parking garage for Carina so she can drive home and not be in contact with Maya or anyone from the station or hospital or anyone really.

She goes to the parking garbage to the floor and section that Maya texted her on where to find the car. Carina spots the car, and it’s a little bit of familiarity that gives her a little bit of comfort. She unlocks it and gets inside. In the cup holder is the parking ticket and on the seat is a plastic lunchbox that Carina has never seen before. She rubs some hand sanitizer on her hands and texts Maya.

I just got to the car. What’s this lunch box for?

At the station, Maya’s phone chimes. She’s been watching the clock, knowing exactly when Carina’s flight got in, knowing she had to get her bag, knowing she had to go through customs, knowing she had to make it to the car. She even came to work early, knowing that she wouldn’t get anymore sleep or anything else done at home. Everything was set, she’s just been waiting for a message.

Welcome back! Open it. Maya types out quickly before hitting send.

Carina only has to wait a few seconds for a reply. She examines the lunchbox in the meantime. She wonders if it’s going to be something like the teddy bear, chocolates, and notebook that were waiting for her when she arrived in Italy. Her phone buzzes and she reads the message from Maya and smiles.

Carina puts the handle down on the lunchbox and lifts the cover off. She gasps at what’s inside. There’s a note, first and foremost. Carina gently removes the note and unfolds it, reading it.

My love,

I have missed you so much. I want to say that first. And I didn’t know how I was going to handle this four weeks of separation. And I don’t know how you’ve handled it. I look forward to hearing about everything from your time in Italy when we are back together. Until then… I wanted you to have a few things. There is an envelope inside the cooler that has a picture of me in it. Don’t go waving it around in public. Next, there is a little assortment of cheeses. Hopefully the lunchbox has kept them cool. At the house, are some bottles of wine that you can pair with the cheese. I didn’t want to leave the wine in the car so someone could break in and steal it. (Just leaving the lunchbox in the car has given me enough anxiety.) There’s also some of that gelato at home from that place we went to before you left. I know it isn’t much, but I just wanted a little something for you to let you know that I am thinking about you. I love you. Drive home safe. I will see you in two weeks.

XO Maya.

Carina sets the letter down and looks into the lunchbox. There is an ice pack in the bottom and the cheese that Maya said. There is also a small envelope in a little sandwich bag, so it won’t get wet, even though Carina scolds Maya for using plastic sandwich bags. She’ll let this one slide. Carina gets the envelope out and removes the picture from it. She smirks at what she sees.

She reaches for her phone. Who took this photo, bambina?

The photo is of Maya, like she said. She is in a red bra with her turnout pants and boots on, suspenders on her shoulders. Carina looks over the photo for a minute before tucking it back into the envelope, putting everything back in the lunchbox and closing the lid. She starts the car and makes her way out of the parking garage, paying, and then getting on the road towards home.

The closer Carina gets to where they live, the more Carina wants to take a detour to the station. But she’s knows she can’t. She can’t go breaking her own rules about quarantining. She tightens her grip on the steering wheel and her resolve and drives the remainder of the way to their apartment.


Maya has everybody lined up. “Okay, everybody listen up, I need all the chores done before noon. I wrote everything down on the whiteboard so refer to that. No coming to me and whining about what you’ve been assigned or that you want to switch. What’s done is done. Let’s have a good shift. Nineteen.”

The crew shouts back in unison. “Nineteen.”

“One more thing.” Maya raises a hand in the air, index finger pointed up. “I’ve moved out of my apartment, and I need to stay somewhere. Would any of you be willing to house me for a few weeks?”

“What?” Travis asks, astonished.

“Maya?” Andy says tentatively.

Maya takes in all of their faces. She sees the worry there. “Oh.” She smirks. “Not like that.” She shakes her head. “I’m moving out for two weeks so Carina can stay there and do her quarantine.”

Travis holds his hand over his heart. “That’s precious.”

Maya glares at him.

“Captain.” He gives her a straight face.

“That’s very considerate of you.” Dean comments.

“Well, I didn’t want Carina having to stay in a hotel room or something stupid like that for two weeks. She’s been gone for a month, and I feel it would be best if she could just stay in the apartment for two weeks.”

“That makes sense.” Jack adds.

“You can stay with me.” Dean adds. “If you like to be awoken every day by a little girl yelling or screaming or crying or running around without any clothes on.”

“Or me.” Travis says. “I’m down with having you around for a bit.”

“Or us.” Andy points between herself and Sullivan.

Maya would rather not reside with Sullivan. She’d rather sleep in her bunk every night at the station for two weeks than do that. She loves Andy but with the way Robert has been acting, acting towards her lately, she thinks it best not to spend any more time with him than necessary. “Okay, thanks guys. I was just throwing it out there. I appreciate the offers.” She’ll think about it and make a decision later.

“I’d offer too, but with everything that’s happened with Marsha. And with Inara and Marcus.” Jack shrugs.

“I understand, Jack.” Maya scrunches up her face. “Plus, that can’t happen.” There’s no way Maya would stay with Jack.

“Right.” He squints. “Carina would flip out.”

“No.” Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know that she would. But it would bother me more than I could handle.” She’s trying to work through her issue with Dr. Lewis in regards to why she slept with Jack and cheated on Carina and how the unresolved feelings about all of that still linger and effect Maya’s thoughts sometimes.

“You are all dismissed. Get your chores done.” Maya turns on her heels to walk back to her office.

Vic hurries after Maya. “Maya, I figured it out.”

“What?”

“Where to have the wedding?”

“Oh.” Maya nods. “I would love to hear about it.” She stops at her office door, turning to Vic. “When your chores are finished.” She smirks, closes the door in Vic’s face.

Vic rolls her eyes. “Fine.” She walks away as Maya smiles and shakes her head through the blinds.


When Carina walks in the door, she is astonished. There is a bouquet of flowers on the table. And a smaller yet equally as beautiful bouquet on the counter in the kitchen with another note next to it.

Carina,

The flowers are for you. Something pretty and living to hopefully brighten up the apartment the next few weeks. I know I’m not the best with the romance stuff, but I hope you like them. I also got some relaxing scents for the diffuser to try. They’re in the bedroom. There’s also another surprise for you in the bedroom.

Maya.

Carina puts the note down and looks around. She wants to cry. This small space means so much to her. When she suggested that she just do a quarantine in a hotel or something Maya shot it down right away. Maya said this would be better. And Carina knows now that nothing could be better than quarantining here.

She walks into the bedroom and sees what the other surprise is right away, and it has her double over in laughter. At the head of the bed with all of their other pillows is a throw pillow with Maya’s face screen printed on it. “Oh, bambina.” She goes over and looks closer at the pillow. It’s hideous but so sooo good.

Carina gets her phone out and sees the text from Maya saying that Andy was the one that took the photo of her in her turnout pants. She smirks, knowing at some point she’s going to have to thank Andy.

She types out a text about the pillow and the flowers.

I am HOME. She hits send.

Thank you for the beautiful flowers. And I love the pillow. But as soon as you are back sleeping in our bed the pillow is gone. You need to take it to one of your fires and throw it in. It needs to be burned.

The Italian hits send on that message and chuckles some more about the pillow. She feels lighter already. No, Maya isn’t here with her, and she won’t be able to see her for two weeks but being in their shared space and being able to feel her presence in the apartment is all she needs right now to feel like everything isn’t closing in around her. Like everything can be normal again one day.

Her phone buzzes and Carina looks down at it. Look on the mantle.

Carina goes into the living room and looks on the mantle. Tucked behind Andrew’s urn is a large white mail envelope; the sort of envelope important documents come in. She lifts it carefully and reads the tiny print on the front. It’s from Immigration. Carina’s heart rate picks up as she opens it and sees what’s inside.

The marriage visa.

Carina sits in on the couch, her legs feeling a little shaky. If she felt like crying before, she feels like crying more so now. It’s just a piece of paper. Documents. They same thing that Carina argued and yelled at Maya about. And maybe it’s all of the residual emotion from the last month, but this paper in her hands symbolizes more than she could have thought in the past. Maybe it’s that she just misses Maya. Maybe it's that the distance has put things into a different light for Carina. The whole distance makes the heart grow fonder saying. Carina is grateful to be able to be here, to have the opportunity to live in the United States, to be able to get married, to have someone as special in her life as Maya. The paper in her hands is the evidence of that. The emotions she feels are all backed up in this piece of paper.

Chapter 40

Notes:

-I’m slacking on this story, I know. Lol. No but in reality I’m remodeling the master bedroom at my sister’s house (with a weekend helper). Like a total gut job, tearing everything down to just wall studs and subfloor, having an old heater removed, and a gas line, having to fix the studs where the gas line was (illegally) installed, learning how to do drywall (something I haven’t done before). So I’ve been spending my time thinking about all that and not my story.

-a little more wedding prep in this chapter, maya's doubts creep in, and the 14 day quarantine comes to an end.
Enjoy.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“So, what do you have for me?” Maya asks without looking up from her paperwork as Vic enters her office.

Vic takes her time and sits down in one of the chairs across from the captain. She throws her feet up on the corner of the desk.

Maya looks up at that and glares over at Vic. Vic smirks and removes her feet from the desk, returning them to the floor. “My parents are remodeling the restaurant. The whole interior is brand new.”

“That’s great.”

“They want to reopen in a few weeks.” She’s trying to lead Maya to the conclusion herself.

“That’s a quick turnaround.” Maya hums. She wonders if she could rebuild her entire life in that time, six or seven weeks.

Vic smirks at her clueless friend.

“You wanted to talk to me about the venue.” Maya thinks they should get back to the topic at hand. She would like to be able to tell Carina that the venue is taken care of. It’s driving Maya crazy that they haven’t found a place and they are supposed to get married in just over two weeks.

There’s a little chuckle from Vic. “I am, you big goof.” Her smile beams as Maya slowly realizes what she’s saying. “Let’s do it at my parent’s restaurant. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner. I haven’t talked to them about it yet. But I think this would be perfect. They could use it as a sort of soft open, make sure everything is running smoothly in the kitchen, work out any kinks they have in serving or delivery of food, get all the grills and ovens and fryers, and all the appliances up and running. It’s going to be all new to them and they’ll need to figure out how everything works. I guess, there could be some hiccups on the day, but I wouldn’t expect it to be anything major. We can even do a test run the day before or something. But I really think this is the answer to our venue question.”

“Really?”

“I think it will mean a lot to them.” Vic nods. “Plus, just having people in their restaurant again will make them really happy. They truly love serving people.”

Maya thinks about it for a moment. Logistically speaking, it could be perfect. “It wouldn’t be too much?” She doesn’t want to be a burden to Vic’s parents.

“I don’t think so. But I will talk to them and let you know for sure.”

“I’ve been struggling to find a caterer on such short notice.” The relief she feels in this moment is more than Maya could have imagined. The wedding stress is starting to get to her. She doesn’t want to turn into a bridezilla or something.

“Oh, Maya. They’ve got the food. There’s no way they would have your wedding there and not have the food made there. Themselves. With their staff.” Vic sits forward, elbows on her knees.

“We need to have ziti. Not baked ziti. Just the noodles with sauce.” Maya remembers. She finds her clipboard. “And cake. Almonds as a starter snack. Sorbet.” These are the requirements and she has to make sure that they are all at the wedding.

“Carina?”

Maya nods. “Those are her requests.”

“I think I want a meat as the main dish. But I’m not sure. If they want to do this, I will get a menu together. Or they can do whatever other than the items Carina has requested.” Maya flips a few pages of page and starts writing information about the venue.

“It’s your wedding, you should choose. My mother can make just about anything. And if there is something she hasn’t made or doesn’t know she can follow any recipe on the planet. We got you.” Vic holds her arms open for a hug and stands up.

Maya blushes a little, ducking her head as she gets up from her chair. “Thanks, Vic.” She wraps her arms around her friend. “It means a lot.”

“How are you doing?” Vic asks as they pull apart.

“It’s hard. There’s a lot going on. I started going to therapy though.”

“Really?” Vic nods. “Good for you Maya.”

“It’s something I should have done a long time ago. It wasn’t until recent months that I realized I should. Or Carina helped me realize I should. But then I kept putting it off. And then the pandemic started, and then the PD stuff and issues, and then Andrew died. And then Carina was gone, but I think that actually helped. It made me; it gave me a reason. With her being gone.”

Vic hums. “Yeah, you got a lot going on.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know how you do it, Bishop. Hang in there. Things will calm down. Eventually.” Vic knows the issues with PD won’t be solved overnight, if ever. It’s all tied up in racial issues, so that part might not ever be ‘fixed’. At least not in the near future.


Maya decides to stay with Travis during the times she’s not at the station for the two weeks that she can’t go home. It’s the most difficult thing Maya has ever done. To know that Carina is home, to know that Carina is in their apartment, but to not be able to go there, to see her, to touch her, to kiss her, to hold her. So, she stays at the firehouse and works every shift that she feasibly can. Working extra shifts helps, it keeps her busy, and keeps the temptation at bay. Because that temptation is strong to just go home, and open the door, and screw the consequences. There’s been word in the medical community of a possible vaccine being ready in the coming months and Maya can’t wait for the day when they don’t have to make every single decision based off of Covid.

But they can talk on the phone, Facetime everyday now. Carina has plenty of time and Maya feels a little guilty that she’s spending all of her time working. She sends Carina funny memes or texts or a joke every morning. Something to get her to smile to start the day. After that, Maya requests an update on any symptoms.

She tries to pretend that Carina is still in Italy. That way she won’t feel as guilty, that way she won’t be as tempted, but it doesn’t work like Maya wants it too. Carina isn’t in Italy still, she’s in their apartment. It doesn’t help that Carina will be walking around the apartment, or laying in their bed, or cooking something in the kitchen. Maya has never wanted to be at home, doing nothing, so much in her entire life.

And it’s Carina who insists that they have to spend the entire two weeks apart. But it’s Maya that insisted that Carina stay in the apartment and not a hotel. She wanted Carina to feel at home. To be home. To not feel the isolation of a hotel.

Except for maybe one thing.

“I miss you.” Carina whines. “I’m here and you’re not.”

Maya chuckles. “You know the rules.”

“I feel like a prisoner in my own home.” Carina laughs.

“At least you aren’t in a hotel or something. It could be worse. Think on the bright side.”

Carina is spending her time reading, sleeping. She tries to stay active. She’ll walk laps around the apartment, do jumping jacks, she tried yoga (it isn’t something for her), push-ups, sit-ups, stretches. She stares at the bike that sits in their hall.

She wonders if she could go for a bike ride and not come into contact with anyone. She then wonders why they have a bike in their apartment. She’s never seen Maya ride it. She’s never even heard of Maya mentioning going for a ride. It’s just always been there. Sometimes it moves a little, like it gets shifted over during cleaning. But it’s never moved more than a few inches from that spot. Carina wonders if it holds some sentimental value for Maya.


“Have you thought about what you want to wear?” Maya is the one to ask. “Don’t tell me. But have you thought about it?”

Carina smirks. “All done.”

“What?”

They are on a video call. Maya lays in her bunk at the station, she exhausted but she needs to talk to Carina. Carina is laying in their bed. It’s late and everyone else at the station is in their bunks.

“I picked something out online, and ordered it, and it should be here tomorrow actually.” Carina smiles, more than pleased with the attire she has chosen for their wedding. Now, if she weren’t stuck in the apartment, it might have been a more difficult decision, if she were given the option to go out and choose and try on outfits. With the inability to do that, it made Carina pick something and have it shipped. She just hopes it will fit properly.

“Oh. Wow. Okay.” Maya is a little surprised by this. She hasn’t really known Carina to make a decision on an outfit so easily. She panics a little knowing that she hasn’t even started looking for something to wear. This isn’t one of those get an immaculate wedding gown sort of weddings, so Maya doesn’t feel any sort of pressure to get some sort of elaborate wedding gown. But she knows she needs to find something to wear. She finds herself wondering now what Carina has picked out to wear. “Can you describe your dress?”

Carina grins. “Not a dress, bella.”

“Oh.” Maya’s mouth hangs open in wonder.

“I thought you didn’t want to know.” Carina teases.

“Well-“ Maya tries to think of something to say. Anything that doesn’t make her sound dumb or like she’s just fantasizing about what Carina is going to wear. “-I don’t want us showing up in the same thing.”

Carina laughs.

“And it’s bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the wedding.”

Carina hums. “Not a dress, and we are both the bride. Remember.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “Don’t tell me you believe in that silly tradition. Are you going to make us get ready separately and not be able to see each other before we- march down the aisle?” She wonders how everything is going to work out. They haven’t talked about it. They don’t even know what the space looks like yet. Once Carina is out of quarantine, they are going to see the space together and talk to Vic’s parents about everything.

“We can’t see each other. No.” Maya isn’t really one for superstition, but she must say that there are some wedding traditions that she would like to adhere to.

Carina tilts her head to the side to gauge if Maya is being truthful in this statement. When none of Maya’s tells show up after a moment Carina knows she is firm on this. “Okay, bella.” She nods, filing the info in her brain and the sentiment that Maya wants to keep around the ‘not seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding’. “Now have you asked Ben yet?”

Maya shakes her head. “No. I thought you would want to be here to ask him too.”

“Bella, we can’t wait until two days before.” Carina chuckles. As lovely as it is that Maya wants to include her in everything, they just can’t.

“I will talk to him in the morning.” Maya sighs.

“Call me and I can be on the phone.”

“Okay.” Maya huffs out a disgruntled breath.

“What’s wrong, bambina?”

Maya closes her eyes. It feels stupid. “I just wish things were different. And that you weren’t there, and I wasn’t here.”

“You have to work, Maya. That doesn’t change.”

“I know. I just-“ She doesn’t want to sound whiny or ungrateful. Maya knows it could be way worse. It’s just hard to connect preparing for a wedding with being separated from Carina. “I don’t want to be at work. I want to be with you.” It used to be such a foreign concept to Maya to put anything else above work, but now things have changed. Now it’s more that she doesn’t want to put anything else above Carina.

Carina takes her phone and sets it up leaning against Maya’s pillow in their bed. “There, I put you on your pillow. Close your eyes now and pretend that you are here. Pretend that you can feel my hand on your hip. Pretend that my knee is pinched between your thighs. My forehead pressed against yours, whispers sweet overtures to you. Leading to something perhaps a bit more sensual and even a bit naughty.” She tries to gauge Maya’s reaction. Maybe if she can get Maya to relax a little, her mood will improve. And maybe if she can get Maya to a little bit of dirty talk, she can get her to relax enough to where she can find a little sexual release. “Maya?”

Maya’s eyes remain closed.

“Did you just fall asleep on me?” Carina chuckles softly. She shakes her head. “I shouldn’t have had her close her eyes.” Carina watches Maya through the phone screen for a few minutes. It’s clear that she has succumb to sleep. “Ti amo, bambina.” She whispers before hanging up. Carina’s is starting to wonder if this is all too much for Maya.


Maya calls Ben into her office the next morning before their shift is over. They ask Ben to officiate, saying that they will pay the fee to get ordained. He holds a hand over his heart as tears start in his eyes. “Really?” He can’t believe it.

Carina hops into the conversation. “Since we’ve both worked with you. And since we both know you as a noble man, I don’t think there’s anyone better.’

“And because you’re the dad of the station.” Maya adds with a wicked smile.

“Bambina, I told you not to say that.” Carina scolds.

Ben shakes his head at these two fools. “It’s okay, Carina. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this.” He starts preparing right away. “How do you want the ceremony to go. Long, short?”

“As long as you say I now pronounce you wife and wife I don’t care what else you say.” Carina says.

He narrows his eyes at her. “Really?”

Carina nods.

“This isn’t some fancy thing that needs to be scripted word for word.” Maya adds, very much on the same page as Carina with this.

“Should I find some vows, have something prepared for you both to say or some people write their own?”

Maya likes the idea of writing her own vows. Something personal to add to the ceremony. Something that she can say to Carina to show her and all their guests how much she loves and cherishes her. How she’s looking forward to their future, whatever it holds.

“I like that idea. Writing our own vows.”

“Yeah, bambina?”

“Yeah.” Maya nods.

“Okay, lets do it.” Carina thinks that she won’t so much write something down but just speak from the heart on the day. But she knows Maya will write something down on paper.

“Great. I’ll get everything set up and then run it all by you guys. How’s that?”

“Perfetto.” Carina gives a thumbs up. “Grazie, Ben.”

“Thanks, Ben.”

“This will be a great privilege and honor for me. I should be thanking you both.” He bows a little in appreciation. “I’ll leave you to it.” He turns to make his exit to a round of goodbyes from the pair.

Maya gets her clipboard. “Okay, one more thing to check off the list.”

“You’re so adorable.” It could be annoying that Maya has to make lists, and keep notes, and meticulously plan every single aspect of everything about the wedding. But mostly, Carina just finds Maya’s strict need for order adorable.


They get into an argument when Carina asks if it’s too much work and stress for Maya to be basically doing everything for the wedding.

“It isn’t. I have to do it.” On many levels, Maya feels like she needs to plan and organize everything. “Because you agreed to get married.”

Carina sighs, hating that Maya thinks that, at least, in some part that Carina still doesn’t want to get married. Or that she’s doing it out of some sort of obligation, because of the visa or the paperwork. “Maya, I want to marry you.” She uses Maya’s name to let her know that she is serious and committed to this.

Maya rolls her eyes. “You’re just saying that now. If all this visa stuff didn’t exist. If everything wasn’t crazy and I asked you to marry me, would you have said yes?”

Carina hesitates, just for a split second, to think about the stupid question.

Maya scoffs. “See.” She proves her point.

Carina gets upset about that. Maya didn’t even let her say anything. How is that fair? “You can’t do that. You can’t put this on me.” Carina scowls. “You know I want to marry you. You know that, Maya. So don’t say that. Would I have said yes if you had asked me to marry you and there weren’t visa issues, and I didn’t have to leave the country. I honestly don’t know. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I didn’t believe in marriage though. That’s a fact.” She shrugs. “But I wanted to, want to, be with you for the rest of my life. Marriage or not. I don’t know why we are still fighting about this.” She runs her hand over her face in frustration.

Maya sits in her desk chair in her office, frowning. She’s not sure what she wants to say. She’s not sure why she picked this fight with Carina because deep down she knows what Carina just said is true. Call it fear, or paranoia, or her own distrust in herself, Maya’s own insecurities coupled with the stress. Of course, Carina is right that all this wedding stuff is stressing her out to her breaking point, because Carina knows her so well. And Maya feels like breaking, crumbling down under the pressure.

Seconds pass and neither of them say anything. Maya knows she’s not going to be able to avoid this forever but right now if she continues ‘talking’ about this she feels like she’s going to explode at Carina, and she doesn’t want that.

“I love you, Carina. I have to go though.” She sucks her lips into her mouth, so she doesn’t say anything else.

Carina sighs sadly but nods her head. “Okay. Bye.” She’s ready to be done with this stubborn conversation.

“Wait.” Maya says with alarm.

Carina raises an eyebrow. She thought Maya had to go.

“You have to say it.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “I love you.” She mumbles. “Anything else?” She says with disdain.

Maya shakes her head, suddenly feeling stupid with the way Carina is looking at her with a raised impatient eyebrow and a scowl.

“Bye.” Carina says and hangs up the video call.

Maya groans and throws her phone on the desk, it slides across the desktop and falls off the edge, clattering to the floor. “Fuck.” She pushes herself up from her chair and goes to change her clothes. Maya heads to the gym and gets on the treadmill to work out her anger and frustration. She’s mostly angry with herself. She’s anger that she’s falling into old patterns. She angry that she brought up a topic that they should be passed. But clearly, it’s still bothering Maya on some level.


Through her workout, the remainder of the morning, and all afternoon Maya can’t get Carina out of her head. Or the things she said to Carina. Accusing her of not getting married for the right reasons. Which the more that Maya thinks about it is such a dumb thing. There are many many circumstances and reasons people get married. Being in love and wanting to aren’t the only reason. And maybe Maya needs to stop thinking like that and broaden her mind to the different possibilities and not just what’s in front of her. Andy and Sullivan got married because Andy wanted her father to be there. And as far as Maya knows their marriage is going well. She knows they love each other, even if it is in their own ways. Maybe marriages can work where the main reason wasn’t just because they loved each other and wanted to get married.

And maybe that’s also one of Maya’s fears now that she’s forced to think about all this. What if, down the road, it doesn’t work? Or they fall out of love or grow apart. Maya rubs her hand over her chest at the thought. It physically hurts to think about something like that happening. She loves Carina with everything she’s got; so if that were to happen she knows it would totally destroy her. She sits at her desk and ponders the possibilities of their future together.

Do they continue living in the apartment? Do they buy a house one day? Do they have kids? Maya doesn’t think she can have kids, but she’s starting to wonder if that’s the one thing that will jeopardize their future. She knows they have to talk about it. She knows it’s not going to be an easy discussion, but Maya also knows that she doesn’t want to ruin Carina’s dream of having kids. If that’s what it is. If it’s truly something Carina wants. What is Maya going to do about it?

But those are all what if’s. And she’s never going to find out if she doesn’t do something now to change the way she’s acting. The therapy is helping but her thinking isn’t going to change in an instant.

She grabs the keys to the station truck and goes to find Andy.

As a way to apologize, Maya goes over to the apartment. Andy is in charge while she’s gone so she has to make this quick. It’s dinner time at the station so the crew isn’t going to miss her much, unless they get a call. In that case, she’ll have to run out of here and drive to the scene.

Letting herself in the building, she knocks on their apartment door, as strange as that is. All of Maya just vibrates to push that door open and step inside.

Carina scrambles, thinking one of their neighbors needs help. She puts a mask on and goes to the door. She’s not going to open it unless she absolutely has to. “Who is it?”

“It’s me. Don’t open the door.” Maya presses her cheek to the door. “I’m sorry that we argued.”

Carina smiles. She’s not upset or mad about it. People are going to disagree and argue. It’s normal. The only thing that bothered her was that Maya was still hung up on the reason behind them getting married.

“And I- I-“

“What bambina?”

“I needed to see you. It’s absolutely killing me.” She groans. “So, I have a mask on and I’m going to stand on the other side of the hallway. And I want you to open the door and then take a few steps back. Oh, and have a mask on.”

“It’s on.”

They are on day 10 of Carina’s quarantine. There have been no symptoms thus far, so Maya feels fairly confident that they are safe.

“Okay, I’m stepping back now.” Maya leans against the wall opposite their apartment door. And she’s glad that she is because as soon as Carina opens the door her breath catches and her knees get weak. Any front that Maya was putting on breaks in an instant so soon as she sees Carina from head to toe for the first time in almost six weeks. “I’m so sorry. I don’t want to be a pain in the ass. Or a bridezilla.” She scoffs. “Please, forgive me. I know you want to get married for real. I know that. I’m just so stuck in my own head sometimes. Making up stuff or negative situations because I can’t believe that I can be truly happy, that I deserve true happiness.”

“Oh, bambina. I wish I could hug you right now.” Carina reaches out her right hand.

“Me too.” Maya hangs her head.

“You deserve good things, Maya. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be married and have a family and be in love. All of it. You can have it. You can have anything you want. Anything you set your mind to.”

Maya nods simply. She just needed Carina to say it. She needed to hear it. “So, you’re not mad at me?”

“No, bella. Are you?”

“Mad at you? No.”

Carina smiles and Maya can see it in her eyes. “No, Maya. Are you mad at you?”

Maya hums. “Well, I spent an hour and a half in the gym this afternoon.”

Carina clicks her tongue. “You’ve got to stop punishing yourself like that.”

“I know. And I haven’t in a long time but then today I was- I came at you out of nowhere.”

“It’s not nowhere, bella. You are probably overtired, overworked-“ She tilts her head to the side. “-I know you’ve been working extra shifts. Overstressed about the wedding. Stressed about my quarantine and how I’m doing. You need to relax.”

Maya takes a deep breath. Carina is right about everything. “I know. I know.” It’s just not that easy for her. Before Carina, Maya didn’t rest. She never stopped to enjoy a day off. She never stopped so life wouldn’t catch up with her. She never rested because her father told her that rest was for the weak. “You’re right.”

“I usually am.” Carina smirks. “I love you, bambina. I can’t wait until the fourteen days are up. I can’t wait to marry you.”

Maya smiles, shyly. Carina can still get her with her sweet words. “I love you too. I can’t wait to get married.”

“How is your day going, otherwise?” Carina asks.

Maya shrugs as she stared at the brunette. Carina has a pair of leggings on and one of Maya’s button down shirts on with only a couple of the middle buttons done up, even though it’s August and hot outside. Though, Carina is inside completely, so it probably doesn’t matter to her that it’s hot outside. Maya thinks it looks extremely good on her. But then again, just about everything looks good on Carina. Maya thinks she could wears a plastic garbage bag and rock that look. “You look good.” She says like a big dummy.

Carina laughs. “You look good too, Captain.” She winks, always a sucker for Maya in uniform. Today is no exception.

“I’ve been trying to eat well. Take care of myself.”

Carina knows that isn’t always easy or automatic for Maya. “Good.”

Maya’s radio crackles. She reaches over and turns up the volume to hear the call. A fire at an assisted living facility. “I- I’m sorry.”

“Go, bella. My brave, strong fire captain. Go be a badass.” Carina sighs.

“I love you.” Maya says resolutely. “I love you so much.”

“I know. I love you, Maya. Now go.” She starts to close the door because she knows if she doesn’t Maya is going to continue to stand there. Maya waves as the door closes and she can see the grin behind Carina’s mask, it shines in her eyes. As soon as the door closes, Maya shifts and runs out of the building.


On day 14 Carina goes out and gets a test. She’s certain that it’s going to be negative, but she wants to make sure anyway. There were no covid symptoms at all in the 14 days. Which means two things, she’s been very vigilant, even at the hospital in Italy, to wear the appropriate protection. And two, she’s been lucky.

So, with a negative test, Carina heads to the one place she hasn’t been in such a long time. It feels like forever, really. She almost can’t remember the last time she was at the station.

She walks in the front door. Cutler is sitting at reception. She gives him a friendly wave. Carina doesn’t really know the guy, and other than exchanging polite hellos, they’ve never had a conversation. She looks to her left. She doesn’t see Maya or anyone in the captain’s office.

“They’re in the barn.” Cutler points.

“Thank you.” Carina smiles, even with a mask on. She heads into the barn.

She hears Maya barking orders as soon as she walks through the door. She grins and shakes her head. Lucky for her, as she enters the room, Maya has her back to her.

The first person to see Carina is Travis. He tries to pay attention to his boss as she runs through the newest equipment that the station has received to help fight fires, but a small smile tugs at his face.

Maya catches on to him not paying full attention. She needs her firefighters to pay attention and know how to use all their equipment or it could cost time and lives. “Travis.”

He snaps his head to attention. “Yes, Cap?”

“I would appreciate it if you paid attention.”

“I know.” He nods his head at the order. “But-“ He looks over in Carina’s direction briefly before finding Maya’s eyes again. This catches the attention of the rest of the crew that are standing on either side of Travis. They all glance over at Carina.

Maya sighs. “No buts Montgomery. This is important.”

“Captain.” Vic tries to step in.

“What? Don’t go defending his inattention. You both now I won’t stand for that.” She narrows her eyes at Vic.

“Maya.” Andy tries.

This totally riles Maya up. They are working, on the job, in the middle of a training session on equipment and Andy is using her first name. She’s starting to get the sense that she’s missing something. “What?” She says louder and stronger than she intends.

“You might want to turn around, Captain.” Carina says it.

Maya whips around faster than any of them have ever seen at the sound of Carina’s voice.

Carina walks over to her soon to be wife.

Maya stands there in shock. She saw Carina a few days ago, but this is different. She chews on her lip, nervously as Carina approaches her. The tears spring into her eyes as Carina gets closer.

Carina sees this. “It’s okay, bambina.” She whispers and wraps Maya in a tight hug. “I took a test. Negative.”

Maya sniffles, nods, and buries her face in Carina’s shoulder. She wraps her arms around Carina as tight as she can. “God, I missed you.” She whispers.

“I missed you too.” Carina says, louder than a whisper. She rubs on hand up and down Maya’s back.

There is a chorus on aww’s from the crew. Maya hides her face in the crook of Carina’s neck at that.

“Alright, guys.” Andy takes over. “We can finish this later.” She claps Maya on the back. “Everyone out.” She tells the crew. “Find something productive to do.”

The team disperses. Andy following everyone out of the barn.

“You almost got your ass chewed out.” Vic nudges Travis.

He raises an eyebrow, making a goofy face. “So did you.”

They both laugh.

“Bishop takes her demonstrations very seriously.” Jack adds. They all laugh.

“What are you doing here? I didn’t expect this.” Maya really can’t believe Carina is standing with her right now. It almost feels like a dream.

“Did you think that I could wait until tomorrow morning when you come home from work to see you?” Carina leans back so she can look in those big blue eyes that she adores so much. “As soon as the fourteen days were up, and as soon as I had a negative test, I was coming here. If you were out on a call I would have waited in your office. I would have waited hours and hours and hours to see you and hold you and kiss you.” At that, Carina leans in and gives Maya a soft kiss. “Don’t cry, baby.” She whispers as the tears leak out of Maya’s closed eyes. Carina wipes them away with her thumbs.

“No bambina?” Maya asks with a pout.

Carina chuckles lightly. “Come.” She reaches for Maya’s hands, finding them and taking a step back.

“Where are we going?”

Carina wiggles her eyebrows.

Maya gulps at the thought of some alone time with Carina.

Carina tugs Maya to her office and right into the bunk room. She sits down on the bed and Maya comes to stand between her legs. Maya reaches out, taking Carina’s face in her hands, staring into her warm caramel brown eyes. Carina smiles her warm, soft, happy only for Maya smile up at Maya and rests her hands on Maya’s hips.

When Maya smiles just the littlest bit, Carina slips her hands around to Maya’s back, tugging the tiniest bit. Maya gets the clue and lift her right leg and presses her knees into the mattress on Carina’s left side. She does the same with her other leg until she’s sitting in Carina’s lap. It’s a little surprising to Maya. Then again, she didn’t think she would be seeing Carina until tomorrow morning. This little afternoon visit is very much a surprise.

Her hands slip to the back of Carina’s neck, fingers pressing against the vertebrae in her spine one by one working their way up until her fingers are splayed in Carina’s hair. She runs her fingers through the hair, extending all the way to the ends, rolling some between her fingers. Her eyes shift from Carina’s to look over at her fingers in Carina’s hair. “I love your hair.”

Carina laughs, full. “Bambina.” She leans back, pulling Maya with her until they are both laying on the bed.

Maya settles at Carina’s side, one leg thrown over Carina’s. “I love your hair. I’ve missed it. I love your hair and your eyes. I love your smile, these lips.” Maya runs her thumb over Carina’s lips. “I love everything about you. And I’ve missed everything about you.”

“Just my body or-“

Maya hums. “Well, mostly everything. And not just your body. But that’s amazing. And not being able to touch you or hold you these last six weeks has been awful.” She puts her hand on Carina’s opposite hip, pulling until Carina moves to lay on her side. “But that doesn’t have anything to do with how your body looks.” She wraps her arm around Carina, pulling them flush together and closing her eyes at having Carina this close again.

“You’re so romantic, bella.” Carina teases lightly.

“Shut up.” Maya sighs. “You know what I mean. Just to be able to look at you, touch you, feel you, hear you, hold you in the same space is something I didn’t know was something that I needed. Or could feel like I was missing. I know what it’s like to miss someone when they are away, or you don’t see them for a while. But this, here, is not that. This is more.”

Carina leans her forehead against Maya’s never breaking eye contact. “Don’t worry. I feel it too.”

“Yeah?” Maya asks, optimist that Carina understands her silly rambles.

“Si, bambina. I crave to be close to you, to hold you, to lay with you, to smell the scent that is uniquely you, to look into those deep deep blue eyes. That’s why I’m came here to surprise you. I couldn’t wait until tomorrow. I know that was the plan, but Maya six weeks is a long time to not be able to do all those things.” She tangles her fingers in Maya’s hair behind her ear, scratching lightly at her scalp. “I feel relief being here, in your arms. Do you know how scared I was when the possibility of me not being able to stay in this country with you arose? I was terrified. And that stayed with me the entire time I was in Italy. That fear. That stress. So, to be back here I feel like I can breathe normally again. That stress and anxiety and fear is gone. This is where I belong. I feel it in every bone, muscle, fiber of my being.”

Maya sighs, closing her eyes, taking in the words. “I’m so sorry, Carina. So sorry you had to feel all that.” She snuggles a little closer to the brunette. “Six weeks is too long. Let’s not do that again. Promise?”

Carina giggles and presses her lips to Maya. “Okay, I promise.”

“I wish we could lay here like this all day.”

“Just lay here?” Carina questions.

“Yes.” Maya is serious about that. She knows what Carina means. “As much as I want to make love to you, I want this more. And here and now are not the place for that. I’m gonna to need hours and hours and hours of you without any clothes on.”

“That sounds perfect, bella.” Carina kisses her again. “Only if you, also, do not have any clothes on.” This time Maya kisses her back with eagerness.

“Tomorrow.” Maya mumbles against Carina’s lips. “When I’m done with work.”

“Can I give you hours and hours and hours of orgasms?” Carina whispers.

Maya sighs. “I would love to say yes, but I’m not sure I can handle hours and hours and hours. But yes maybe one or two or three.”

“Or four or five or six.” Carina giggles.

Maya starts laughing too, feeling giddy and childish now. “Or maybe I’ll be the one giving you four or five or six.”

Carina laughs. “The number doesn’t matter, bella.” She starts pressing kisses all over Maya’s face. “I love you so sooooo much.”

“I love you even more.” Maya cheeses. “Will you stay here for a little while?”

“I’ll stay here as long as you want or until you need to go.” Carina whispers.

“You’re so beautiful. And stunning. I think I missed that too.”

Carina chuckles. “You are very sweet.”

“Like I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to how beautiful you are. Maybe I took that for granted before. But since you’ve been gone- you’ve got the most beautiful soul, the most beautiful presence. I’m not just talking about physical beauty.”

Carina gets a little shy at that. This isn’t something they’ve ever talked about. “Bambina.” She tucks her head under Maya’s chin, against her chest. “I don’t know what to say.”

Maya smirks. “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted to make sure I told you that. And that I appreciate you.”

“I’d marry you right now if I could.” Carina whispers and looks up. Maya’s eyebrows are raised at that statement. “Can we not fight about the timing of us getting married anymore?”

Maya shakes her head. “You won’t hear anything else about it from me.” She runs her index finger and thumb across her lips, zipping them shut. “That was my own self-doubt talking.”

“You are strong and smart and brave. And complicated. And full of tons of complex emotions. And I love that about you. I love seeing you start to tap into that. It makes you a better person, a better captain, and a better wife.”

Maya bites her lip. “I’m not your wife yet.”

“Just a few days, bella.”

Maya sighs. She’s happy that it’s only a few days. “But there’s so much to do yet.”

“And we will tackle all of that tomorrow and the day after. Don’t worry about it today. One day at a time.”

“That’s what Dr. Lewis says.” Maya smirks.

“Cuz she’s right. And so am I. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. Not today.” Carina runs her hand up and down Maya’s arm before tangling their fingers together. “No more talking.” She whispers.

“Yes, ma’am.” Maya grins. She’s more than happy to just lay her in silence with Carina, them exploring each other quietly, reigniting that silent love language that they have developed, that is hard to attain over the phone. They lay there for about forty minutes, until a call comes in and Maya has to actually go do her job.

Notes:

-Next chapter is the finally couple days before the wedding and the wedding.

Chapter 41

Notes:

First, thanks for the comments, kudos on this story. Always.

This chapter starts out with sexytime. I thought I was going to get to the wedding day in this chapter but I didn’t. so this is the two days before the wedding day.

Chapter Text

Maya puts the key in the door for the first time in two weeks. She sighs as it unlocks. She’s not sure what she’s going to find once she enters the apartment. Maya just hopes it’s not total chaos. She knows that sometimes when Carina starts on a project, whether it be a food project or something else, a mess usually ensues. It’s the passion that Carina has that causes creation and foregoes logical cleanliness thoughts. She just hopes that whatever Carina has been up to in the last two weeks has been cleaned up properly. She doesn’t think her soon to be wife is a slob by any means, it’s just that neatness isn’t always on her radar.

She pushes the door open and doesn’t see anything. Any messes, any dirty dishes, any scrapes of paper on the coffee table or the couch or the dining room table. Maybe Maya is too stuck up in her organization and cleanliness that she’s underestimated Carina. And she should know very well by now not to underestimate the Italian.

In seeing nothing, she also doesn’t see Carina. Maya didn’t get off of work on time, but she still assumed that Carina would be home. Maybe there was an emergency at the hospital, but she knows Carina isn’t going back to work for another week. Could it be that Carina went to visit with someone? Amelia or Teddy or someone else?

But then she hears it. A shuffle from the bedroom. The blonde sets her backpack down on the couch as she walks through the apartment towards their room. The door is open just a crack so Maya rests a hand on it and pushes it open.

“Oh.” She quirks an eyebrow at the sight of Carina laying in bed in just a robe.

“Finally.” Carina holds out her arms. “Where have you been?”

Maya takes a deep breath, thinking back on the call they had this morning. A house fire. “Sorry I’m late. We had a call that went- long.” Maya shakes the thoughts of the morning away and focuses on her fiancée. “You don’t know how good it is to see you in that bed.”

Carina hums. “Just as good to have you in this bed, I would imagine.” She reaches out her hand and opens and closes her fist.

Maya grins and crosses the threshold and moves towards the bed. She sits at Carina’s hip and pulls her shoes from her feet. She turns to Carina, pulling a leg up onto the bed, reaching out and pinching the lapel of her robe between her thumb and index finger, running down from the shoulder to where it’s tied with a sash. “Did you have some sort of plan for this morning that I’ve ruined?”

There’s a dismissive shake of Carina’s head. “You haven’t ruined anything. I just- we just had to wait a little longer.”

“Is that so?”

Carina nods and smirks. “Vieni qua.” She leans forward, wrapping an arm around Maya and pressing her lips to her cheek. They are there but a moment before Carina moves them to Maya’s lips, sighing in satisfaction, to have Maya like that again.

Sure, they saw each other yesterday but that was at the fire station; to have her here, them together, in their apartment, in their bedroom, in their bed, in their safe sacred place. Nothing is better than that.

Maya hums, her hand slipping inside Carina’s robe, finding her hip. “You’re-“ Carina distracts her with kiss and she forgets what she wants to say. “You’re at-“ Maya pulls herself away. “You’re at an unfair advantage.”

Carina quirks an eyebrow. “What are you going to do about it?” She challenges.

Maya laughs, giving her hip a squeeze before getting up. The stands next to the bed and pops the button on her jeans before slipping them down her legs. Her shirt comes off next. She turns, her back to Carina. “Will you?” Maya points over her shoulder at the bra hooks.

“Certainly.” Carina whispers, her eyes raking over Maya’s skin. She reaches up with one hand and unhooks Maya’s bra. Her hands than move to Maya’s shoulders slipping the straps down her arms. Pressing a kiss to Maya’s shoulder before sitting back and just watching as Maya discards the item on the floor. Next, with Maya’s back to her fiancée, she pulls her underwear down her legs. She finally turns around, a little self-conscious now. She tries to remind herself that it’s just Carina and they’ve seen each other naked plenty of times. Still, this is the first time in a long time.

And Carina can see the apprehension on Maya’s face. “You’re as beautiful as ever, bambina.” She tells Maya softly, eyes roaming up and down in appreciation.

“You’re as smooth talking as ever.” Maya grins, relaxing a bit. She reaches out and tugs at the sash around Carina’s waist, pulling it loose so the robe can slip open. “Let’s take this off, huh?”

Carina chews on her lip, trying to look as sexy as possible with one leg straight out in front of her and the other bent up at the knee. “Si.” She leans forward, shrugging the robe from her shoulders until it pools around her waist.

Maya grabs the item and pulls it away from Carina and tosses it on the end of the bed. She smirks a little before climbing onto the bed. Not, just climbing onto the bed but climbing right into Carina’s lap and sitting down. She finds each of Carina’s hands, holding them, lifting them so they are in between their torsos and then tracing her hands up Carina’s arms, to her shoulders. Her thumbs brush across Carina’s collarbones. She just can’t believe how lucky she is to get to marry this amazing woman.

And Carina almost can’t believe how good it feels to have Maya’s hands on her body again. “Ah, Maya, your hands feel amazing. There’s only so many times I can masturbate and get myself off thinking of you, looking at that photo of you, before I need the real thing.”

Maya stops her appreciation of Carina, sitting back on her haunches. “How many times?” Curiosity gets the better of her.

Carina groans. “Do you have to know right now?”

Maya shakes her head, knowing Carina is frustrated with the question, returning to her lover. She can still feel the rush of the call they had this morning, the adrenaline coursing through her veins. It only adds to what is happening right now. She leans in, pressing a kiss to Carina’s cheek before moving to her ear and sucking the lobe into her mouth. She then scrapes her teeth along Carina’s neck down from her ear to her shoulder, wrapping her lips there and sucking. “Just in the last two weeks?” She sits up again, not able to move past it.

Carina chuckles this time. She shouldn’t have said anything knowing Maya, knowing that she would need to know more. “Si. The last two weeks. And not at first. Not the first few days. I mostly just slept and tried to readjust. But after that.”

“Like, everyday?” Maya asks.

Carina runs her hands up Maya’s thighs, stroking over her hips, squeezing at her waist. “This is such a better view. A greater turn on. You, sitting here, on top of me naked.” She thinks maybe that will get Maya to stop thinking. She runs her hands up Maya’s sides and Maya squirms. It always tickles when Carina does that.

“Everyday?”

“Some days, bellisima.” Carina sits up, wrapping her arms up around Maya’s back, bringing them together chest to chest. “What about you?”

“Oh.”

Carina strokes her hands softly over Maya’s back and then reaches down, grabbing Maya’s ass in each hand, pulling Maya impossibly close.

Maya tips her head back as her center presses against Carina, she arches her back, grinding against Carina.

“That’s it, bambina. Ride me. Just like that.” Carina holds onto Maya’s lower back, holding her upright as Maya rocks against her. “When was the last time you came?”

Maya moans. “Before you-“ She feels embarrassingly close, embarrassingly sensitive, embarrassingly stimulated. “-left.” She knows she just needs a little push. “Touch me.”

Carina bites her lip. “Okay, bella.” She moves her right hand around, slipping it between their bodies, finding Maya’s clit, stroking over it a few times. “How’s that?”

Maya grinds into Carina’s touch. “Perfetto.” She moans between ragged breaths. “Just- harder.”

Carina chuckles and presses her two fingers harder against Maya’s clit, running a slow circle around it before picking up speed.

“Ahhhh.” Maya moans. “Fuuuuuck.” She arches her back further as her orgasm hits. Her muscles fail her as she starts to come down from her high, and Carina can’t hold her up with one hand. Maya falls backwards onto the mattress between Carina’s legs, panting and out of breath.

Carina watches Maya for a moment, her beauty in ecstasy. “Bene?”

“Very.” It’s all Maya is able to say between breathes.

“Eccellente.”

“Yes, you are.” Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows, feeling a little weak. “Every time. Every time we do this after some time off, I come so fast. Don’t need any build up.”

“You want to know why?” Carina quirks an eyebrow.

Maya nods eagerly.

Carina chuckles at how adorable Maya is. “It’s like with an addict. If you are having sex everyday you build up almost a tolerance. It takes more to get off, to get to that high. You take a break for a while and come back to it, that tolerance is gone. Real easy to get off then.” She wiggles her eyebrows at Maya.

“That makes sense.” Maya says as her breathing is more normal. She pushes herself up to a seated position and the backs away from Carina a little, sticking to her as she goes.

“You made a mess, bella.” Carina laughs, looking down at her lower abdomen.

“I don’t think you should complain.” Maya gets to her knees.

“Oh, I’m not complaining.”

“Good.” Maya grabs Carina’s face in her hands, kissing her hard. “What-“ She says between hungry kisses. “-do you want?”

“You, bambina.” Carina moans. “Just you.” She wraps her arms around Maya as Maya’s lips work their magic on her neck and then chest, moaning when Maya takes a nipple into her mouth. Carina hands go to the back of Maya’s head, tangling her fingers in her blonde locks, pulling at her hair.

Maya wants to move lower but can’t with the way she is kneeling. So, she pulls her lips from Carina’s breast with a wet pop and looks up to see Carina looking down at her with half closed eyes, full of desire.

“Maya.” She moans, needing more, needing for Maya to not stop and pause on anything. “Just fuck me like this.” She begs.

Any plan that Maya had is thrown out the window. She pecks at Carina’s lips quickly, her right hand slipping down Carina’s stomach, finding extremely wet folds. “You’re so wet, my love.”

Carina tips her head back, moaning as Maya’s fingers slip through her.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you missed me.” Maya throws in a joke.

Carina snaps her head up and narrows her eyes at Maya. “No teasing.”

Maya chuckles. “Sorry.” She smirks. She circles around Carina’s entrance once as a warning and then thrusts two fingers inside her.

The Italian’s head tips back against the headboard, moaning in pleasure as Maya starts a gentle rhythm. What starts out as gentle becomes quicker, and less organized as Carina starts rocking into those talented fingers of Maya’s. Her hands grab at Maya’s back, trying to find something to hold onto as Maya works her extremely close to that high she so craves.

“Maya.” She pants.

“Yeah?” She studies Carina’s face, trying to see what she needs without Carina having to say it. “Look at me.”

Carina’s eyes pop open to see Maya staring back at her with nothing but love and passion and caring. She tips her head forward until she can rest her forehead against Maya. It’s a bit shaky but it works.

Maya flicks her thumb across Carina’s clit a couple of times and Carina unravels, uncoils underneath her. Her walls clenches around Maya’s fingers, her muscles in her whole body tense, the fingernails on Carina’s hands digging into her back.

“Dio mio.” Carina groans and relaxes, panting as her orgasm washes through her entire body.

Maya smiles and removes her forehead from Carina, pressing a kiss to her cheek as she tries to catch her breath. When she pulls her fingers from Carina, she feels Carina shudder as they go. Maya wipes them on her own stomach and then wraps Carina in her arms. “I fucking love you so much. So much. And I’ve missed you just as much. I feel like words don’t do either of those things justice.” She peppers Carina’s face with feather light kisses.

Carina has her eyes close in ecstasy as she tries to calm her breathing and her heart rate. Her right hand running up the back of Maya’s spine, tangling in her hair, pulling Maya’s head to her shoulder, resting her chin against Maya’s shoulder. This is it, right here, the feeling that she wants to last forever. Wrapped up in each other arms, happy, satisfied. Sexually, but just in general. Feeling wanted and wanting someone else. Being loved. Together. On the same page. To feel loved and protected and cherished and taken care of. Valued. Valid. That’s it. Carina knows now in life that’s ultimately what you want with someone.

“Ti amo, Maya. I never knew a love like this existed or was possible until we-“ She sighs.

“What? Until we what?” Maya wiggles out of Carina’s grasp. She looks into those rich brown eyes and brushes Carina’s hair away from her face. “What my gorgeous girl?”

Carina rolls her eyes playfully. “I never thought, I never could have imagined finding something like this. I feel like what we have is special.”

“It is special. One time, this really really smart woman told me that what we have is fantastico because it’s ours.”

Carina sighs and closes her eyes. “Just ours.”

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Maya connects her lips with Carina’s for a chaste kiss.

After a moment, Carina takes a deep breath, leaning back against the headboard. “What’s on the calendar for today?”

Maya hums and goes over the checklist in her head. “Well, we have to meet Vic and Travis down at the restaurant at four. I wanted to get a quick nap in before that.” They settle into lying in bed together, enjoying in that post-coital bliss

“Anything else?”

The blonde shakes her head. “No. I wanted time to spend with you. So, everything else I pushed until tomorrow. Just today, tomorrow and then the next day we are getting married. I can’t believe it.”

“Believe it, bella. It’s happening.” Carina thinks over everything. Typically, Maya would be worrying about every little detail right now. And Carina knows that Maya still is, most likely. But right now, they are able to just lie in bed together and it really is a beautiful thing.

Maya lays with her head on Carina’s stomach. She picks at the sheet that is draped over their legs as Carina runs her fingers through Maya’s hair. But her picking stops, hand stilled, resting against Carina’s thigh.

Carina notices this after a moment. “What are you thinking about?”

Maya looks up, giving Carina a tight-lipped smile. She heaves a huge sigh. “There was a call this morning. That’s why I was late.”

Carina figured as much; Maya isn’t late coming home unless they are still out on a call. “What happened?” She hopes no one died.

“It was a house fire. Seven people were trapped. A whole family. Twenty-three was there already. I had my crew start on the search as soon as I found out the situation. They thought it was six people only, but it turned out to be seven.” Maya shakes her head trying to remember if that was right. She’ll have to go over everyone’s account again anyway, she knows. It’s a small detail but an important one. She knows she’s going to have to get a firm number on how many people they actually pulled from the house.

“I called for another ambulance. The response time was long though. McCallister was at the scene, so I knew I had extra eyes on me and every decision I made.”

“I’m sure you made all the correct choices.” Carina encourages.

Maya scoffs.

“Cosa?”

Maya scoots up the bed and rest her chin on Carina’s shoulder so she can see her reaction while she tells the rest of the story that she knows is likely to have ramifications.

“The grandma, abuelita, came out and she said there was a little boy still in the house. That it was the neighbor’s kid. Andy ran back in to find him. She and Sullivan found him in a closet. Covered in burns.”

“Oh, dio mio.”

“Yeah. He was in bad shape when they got him outside. I called for another aid car but there weren’t any available right away. The next one was going to be at least eight minutes.” Maya sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, chewing on it as she rethinks about everything that happened. “Can I run into the station tomorrow morning? I promise I’ll be quick. I know there’s a lot to do yet. I just want to get the report done. I need to get everyone’s account. It’s really important actually. And since I’m taking a few days off after the wedding-“

“Of course, bella. Do what you have to. As long as it doesn’t interfere with anything involving the wedding.”

“Thanks.” Maya leans up for a quick kiss. She takes a deep breath afterwards. “The protocol is to wait for the aid car.”

“But?” Carina knows there’s more to it than that.

“That boy didn’t have eight minutes to wait.”

“Oh, povero bambino.” Carina pouts knowing this story could very well take a tragic turn.

“McCallister ordered me to wait. But I couldn’t do that and let that child die. So, I told him we would transport the boy on the engine. He told me that would open the department up to liability- like he didn’t think I knew that. I knew that.” Maya breaths out a slow breath and grimaces. “So, we brought him to the hospital on fire engine in defiance of the Chief’s orders.”

“Is the boy- did he-“

Maya shrugs. “Andy is supposed to get the update at some point. This happened only like two or three hours ago.”

Carina heaves a heavy sigh. She rubs her hand over Maya’s back, trying to comfort them both as they thinks about everything. “So, if he ordered you-“

“I broke protocol to get that boy to the hospital. He better survive to make it all worth it because the Chief is not happy with me. Let’s just say that for now.”

“What can he do?”

Maya shakes her head, wrapping her arm around Carina, cuddling closer to her. “I’m not sure. Could be nothing. Could be- you know they’ve, he’s- I’m being watched like a hawk. They are looking for anything that they can use against me. This is definitely something that can be used against me.”

“You did the right thing.” Carina tells her. She knows Maya needs to hear it.

“I hope so.” She sighs. “I just hope that this isn’t the end.”

“They can’t fire you for this.” Carina’s voice raises at the idea of Maya being fired from the fire department.

“There will be an investigation. Other than that, I don’t know.” She rubs her cheek against Carina’s shoulder. “I wanted to- I needed to tell you. But I don’t want to talk about it again. I want to focus on you and us and getting married.”

“Okay.” Carina kisses the top of Maya’s head. “I love you, bambina.”

“Thanks.” Maya feels like garbage now. “I love you.”

“How about I go get us something to eat? I’ll come right back.”

“Like out?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. Just in the kitchen.”

“Okay.” She didn’t want Carina to leave the apartment right now so she’s glad that she not going anywhere.

She slips out from under Maya and tip toes to the kitchen, feeling Maya’s eyes on her as she goes.

Maya sneaks off to the bathroom, while Carina is getting food.

The Italian comes back in the room a few minutes later. A plate in one hand with two pieces of toast with peanut butter on them. A bowl in the other hand with strawberries. “Take this.” Carina rotates so her right elbow is pointed at Maya. “Fast. It’s cold.”

Maya pulls the can of whipped cream from between Carina’s elbow and her side. “What’s this for?”

“The strawberries.” Carina wiggles her eyebrows, letting Maya know that it’s for more than just the strawberries.

“I didn’t think we would still have fresh fruit.” Maya would have imagined Carina ate all the fruit that she had bought for the apartment in the last two weeks.

Carina sets the bowl of strawberries on the bedside table. “I ordered more.” She shrugs. “And had them delivered. Don’t judge me.”

Maya raises an eyebrow as Carina sits on the bed facing her. “Why would I judge you for that?”

Carina holds a piece of peanut butter toast out to Maya. Maya leans in and takes a bite. “Cuz it’s lazy and not economically or very environmentally friendly.” She then takes a bite of the same piece of toast.

“Oh.” Maya watches Carina eat her toast for a moment. “I would have gotten you groceries if you needed, if you asked. I could have dropped them off at the door.”

Carina shakes her head, offering the toast to Maya again. “I didn’t ask. Plus, you’ve done so much for me recently.”

Carina has Maya lie down after their toast is finished. She takes the whipped cream and squirts a little pile onto Maya’s stomach.

“That’s cold.”

Carina smirks, looking up at Maya from under her eyelashes. “Good thing you’re hot then.” She winks and takes a strawberry and puts it in the center of the whipped cream. Carina ties her hair up onto the top of her head and takes a strawberry from the bowl and brings it to Maya’s lips.

Maya watches Carina’s every move in amazement. She takes the strawberry into her mouth, chewing it up as Carina places a kiss to her cheek.

Those lips quickly move down to Maya’s neck, over her collarbone, down the valley between her breasts, leaving a trail of wet kisses behind. She reaches the whipped cream and strawberry, sucking the strawberry into her mouth, chewing it up before leaning in again and licking the whipped cream from Maya’s stomach.

A shiver runs through Maya’s entire body. She has to reach out and hold onto Carina’s shoulders.

Once Carina cleans up all the whipped cream, she runs her tongue all the way up to Maya’s lips, grinning smugly into a kiss. She picks up the bottle of whipped cream again. “Where else do you want this?”

Maya holds her hand out for the bottle. Carina grins and puts it in Maya’s hand, thinking that Maya has an idea of where to use the whipped cream on Carina’s body. Instead, Maya brings the bottle to her face, making a whipped cream moustache. Carina laughs and leans in for a kiss. The kiss smushes the whipped cream over their lips, and noses.

Maya laughs and pulls Carina down so that she’s fully on top of her. Carina fights her though, pushing herself back up onto her elbows.

“You’ve got a little something-“ Maya runs her finger over the tip of Carina’s nose, removing the little bit of whipped cream that is there. She pulls the finger to her lips, sucking it clean. Carina watches Maya with a certain hunger in her eyes. The blonde licks the rest of the whipped cream from her own upper lip as she looks into lust filled brown eyes. “I- uh- would you be mad if I said I wanted a nap now.” Carina frowns. “I do appreciate the idea of whipped cream though.”

Carina just wanted to flip the mood after Maya told her about the call this morning but if that’s what Maya wants or needs she’s not going to argue it. There will be other opportunities to have more fun with the whipped cream. Maybe even over the course of the next few days. “Okay, I’ll let you take a nap.” She moves to get out of bed, figuring that Maya probably hasn’t slept that great the last few weeks. And now that she’s back in their bed, she can.

“Carina?”

“Yeah?”

She knows it’s going sound stupid. “Will you-“ Maya licks her lips. “Will you stay? At least until I fall asleep.” It’s like that song Bleeding Love, a song that’s on her Carina playlist. “Nothing’s greater than the rest that comes with your embrace.” She quotes the lyrics and a tender smile tugs at Carina’s lips.

“Sei il più carino. Certo, bambina.” Carina pulls the bottle of whipped cream from by Maya’s hip and set it next to the bowl of strawberries. She grabs a handful of strawberries and hops under the sheet with Maya.

Carina lays on her side, her head laying on her arm, her fingers finding Maya’s scalp running her fingers through her hair. She sets the handful of strawberries on Maya’s chest. They trade bites of strawberries until the handful is finished. Nothing is really said between them. A sigh or a hum here and there. Mostly, it’s just Maya staring at Carina with all the adoration in the world as Carina feeds her fruit and runs her fingers through her hair. A heavenly feeling in Maya’s chest. Carina being her own personal naked goddess. It’s like a fairytale that Maya gets to live out every day.


Maya grabs her clipboard as they exit the apartment. They are running late, which Maya isn’t happy about. But she can’t complain because she’s the one that suggested that Carina shower with her. Which, of course, included more than just showering.

It’s four o’clock as they get in the car and Carina starts them on their way to the restaurant. Maya pulls her phone from her pocket and calls Vic.

“Hey, Vic. Sorry. We’re running a little behind schedule. We’ll be there in ten minutes tops.” She tells Victoria and listens as Vic teases her about being late. Maya hangs up relieved that Vic isn’t mad that they are late.

“I’m sorry, bambina.” Carina pouts from the driver’s seat.

Maya shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like Vic and Travis haven’t been late for anything before.”

“Maybe not but you haven’t.” Carina glances over at her fiancée. “And I know it rubs you wrong.”

There is a hum from the passenger’s seat. Carina is not wrong. “It does but I’m not going to make a big deal out of it. There are more important things to worry about right now.”

Maya bust through the front door of Kaminski’s eight minutes later. “Sorry we’re late.”

Carina walks in, much calmer, behind her. “Hey, guys.” She gives a little shy wave.

“Oh, come here.” Travis holds his arms out and waits for Carina to step into them.

“Hey, Trav.” Carina whispers as she gives him a hug. She gives Vic a brief hug next before Maya introduces Carina to Vic’s parents.

They sit down at one of the new tables and discuss the menu for the wedding. The timing of everything. Travis goes over what he’s thinking for decoration placement. He shows Carina and Maya photos on his phone of what the flower arrangements are going to look like. He runs by the idea of stringing up some lights throughout the room, to add to the ambiance, in his words.

Maya sits there, holding Carina’s hand in her lap as she listens. Most of everything Travis is saying he has run by her already. “Okay, Vic. What do you have for us?”

Vic holds her arms out at her side, looking around the room. “I procured the venue, isn’t that enough.” She laughs. “No, but in all seriousness, I have an idea I want to run by you both. I don’t know if you have any music you want to use and, if so, that’s totally cool. But I would like to offer to sing as you both are walking into the ceremony.”

Carina tenses up at Vic’s words. She tries not to let it be visible, not letting anyone else know. But Maya turns just slightly, it’s almost imperceivable, recognizing it.

“I have a song in mind. I can play guitar as well so it’s not just me singing.” Vic explains what she’d like to do.

Carina sniffles as the tears gather in her eyes. She’s overwhelmed with emotions and everything that everyone is doing for Maya, for the wedding. She knew Maya had good people around her, a good crew, but she’s been away, and she hasn’t seen any of this wedding prep first hand. It’s a little overwhelming to see it all now, only two days out.

“Are you okay?” Vic can see that Carina is trying not to cry.

Maya turns to Carina fully, to ask what’s wrong. Carina shakes her head and wipes the tears from her eyes. “Your friends are just so wonderful.” She sniffles.

“They’re your friends too. What’s mine is yours.” Maya whispers.

Carina knows Maya is just saying that to make her feel better. Though she does have friendly relationships with some of Maya's friends, Carina wouldn’t say they are anywhere near on the same level that they are with Maya.

Maya rubs a hand over Carina’s back. “You gonna be okay?”

Carina nods, composing herself again. “Si.”

“Okay.” Maya leans in and presses a kiss to Carina’s cheek. “As long as you don’t steal our thunder, Vic. I think that sounds wonderful.” Maya says, looking over to Carina so she can give her input too. Carina nods and smiles, agreeing.


Maya heads into the station early the next morning. She needs to get her report finished. She needs to talk to everyone on her crew. She spends most of the morning doing that.

The rest of the day is spent getting last minute things done and running around. Maya swings by the restaurant in the middle of the afternoon to see how the set up and decorating is going. She grins at the sight of Vic pointing and instructing Travis on what to do and where to hang the lights as Travis stands on a chair. “You ever think about being a lieutenant or captain, Hughes?”

“Maya.” Vic spins around and gives her captain a big hug. “Where’s the wife?”

Maya shrugs. “At home, I think. Unless she ran out to do something. I was at the station all morning and then I did some running around of my own and now I’m here. But I’m going home after this. I just wanted to see how things were coming along.”

“Wonderfully.” Vic grins. “My mom and dad got everything fired up in the kitchen earlier and then were showing their head chefs around the new kitchen. Everyone is super excited.”

“Good.”

“Are you?” Travis asks from his perch on top of the chair.

“I am.” Maya nods. “Nervous but I am excited.” She gives Travis her anxious smile, trying to pass it off as something other than anxious but knows she’s failing. “So, you’ve got everything handled here.”

“Yes, boss.” Travis grins.

“I really appreciate it guys. I don’t know what I, we, would have done without you.”

“You would’ve figured something out. You always do.” Travis gives Maya some encouragement. “I’d get down and give you a hug but Vic would probably yell at me so I’ll give you one tomorrow.”

Vic frowns. “I haven’t been that bad today.”

Travis hums to disagree.

Maya chuckles. “If you don’t need me, I’m going to find my wife.”

“You’re just itching to say that, aren’t you?” Travis wiggles his eyebrows.

Maya doesn’t even deny it. She smiles her happiest smile. “Yeah. I can’t wait to get married tomorrow.”

“Tick tock. Less than 24 hours.” Vic taps at her watch with a smile towards Maya before turning to Travis again. “Back to work. We have less than 24 hours to figure this out. And I don’t want to wait until tomorrow.”

“See.” Travis says to Maya, pointing at Vic. “Bossy.”

Maya shakes her head as she turns to leave. “I’ll see you both tomorrow.” It takes a lot of restraint for Maya to not do everything herself, to have control over the decorations and the room. But she has to go find Carina. And she got things to do at home yet before the wedding tomorrow.


The day has been busy with last minute prep at the restaurant. Carina worked at home on making cannoli as a special treat for all their guests. Maya went over her checklist on her clipboard. Checking off things one by one throughout the day, making sure that they were complete and ready for the next day. There were only a few things left when she stopped to grab something to eat for dinner.

“How do you feel?” She asks Carina.

“Nervous. Excited.”

“What are you nervous about?” Maya asks, shoving a meatball into her mouth. Of course, Carina made them spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Comfort food. “You know-“ She’s in a goofy mood. She doesn’t even let Carina say anything. “-I’d marry you just for your Italian cooking.”

Carina chuckles. “Okay, bella.”

“What? It’s seriously delicious. I know you say you’ve got nothing on your mamma, but I’ve never tasted your mamma’s food, so this is the best I’ve ever had.”

“Thank you.” Carina frowns though.

“That was supposed to be a compliment. The best compliment. I don’t tell you enough how amazing you are. Your cooking skills. Your bedroom skills. All your skills. Your doctor skills. Your special Maya skills.”

Carina shakes her head though. The compliments are wonderful. They make her feel loved, but Maya brought up her mamma, on the day before they’re to get married. “I just wish my mamma were here right now.”

“Oh, Jesus.” Maya runs her hand over her face, knowing that she stepped in it big time. “I’m sorry, love.” Maya gets up from her chair and goes over to Carina’s across the table. She pulls her chair out and turns it sideways, kneeling in front of Carina. “I’m sorry. I wish your mom was here too. I wish she was here to see you and tell you how proud of you she is. I’m sorry that can’t happen. From what you’ve told me, I know that she would be. She would be proud of everything that you’ve accomplished so far in your life. And she’d be proud of the strong woman that you have grown into. Look, I know we’re both anxious and excited and nervous about tomorrow. What if we go watch the sunset tonight?”

Carina leans forward and wraps her arms around Maya’s neck. “That sounds wonderful. I’m sorry I’m such an emotional mess the last few days.”

“Don’t be. There’s a lot going on.” Maya knows that things aren’t fair, and life is hard, and everything that they’ve, that Carina has been through in the last few months is enough to make anyone emotional and sad all the time. She’s proud of Carina for how well she has handled everything and understands that there are going to be little sad hurdles that she will run into moving forward. Like their wedding or anniversaries of her mother or brother’s death’s, their birthdays. A normal sort of thing under the circumstances.

They watch the sunset quietly cuddled together even though it’s a warm summer night. No one could pry them apart if they tried in these moments. Maya is a ball of worry that everything is going to go as planned tomorrow. And Carina isn’t much better, full of nervous excitement. But they forge through those anxieties together.

“Remember when we first came here?” Carina whispers as the sun dips below the water.

“I do.”

“On our first date. Even though you didn’t want to call it a date because it freaked you out. And we watched the sunset and then had sex in your car.” Carina reminds the blonde.

Maya smirks. And Carina laughs at that smirk.

“Wanna do it again?” Maya is the one to ask.

“As much as I want to say yes, and as much of a thrill as that might be, I think we probably shouldn’t. Not today at least. Don’t want to get in any trouble before tomorrow. After we are married, we can get in as much trouble as you want.”

Maya shakes her head, knowing that Carina probably wants them to get married before anything else. Before they can move on with anything else in their lives. She knows they need to get married for Carina’s visa status and for her to stay in this country. Maya isn’t, not even a little bit, going to jeopardize that.

“We’re getting married tomorrow.” Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder.

“We’re getting married tomorrow.” Maya whispers, laying her head on top of Carina’s and wrapping an arm around her.

Chapter 42

Notes:

-okay so this took a while because 1 I’ve been super busy with my sister’s master bedroom renovations (for anyone who wants to see the photos of my progress they are on my Insta page: ldonlevy.) 2. I wanted to get this chapter perfect. There is so much that goes into a wedding, a wedding day. Even the little wedding that Maya and Carina had and I didn’t want to skip out on any important moments. I’ve been trying to get this chapter how I want it for three, four days now. I change something and then think of something that I need to add and it’s leads to something else. There’s a lot of little lovely nuggets here I think and I hope everyone enjoys this chapter as much as I did writing it.
-I ended this where I did cuz it’s at 7700+ words. So i’ll call this wedding day part one. The first half of their day.
-sexytime at the beginning. You know where.
ENJOY!

Chapter Text

Maya is awake early. Not overly early. She’s actually surprised with how well she slept. It probably has something to do with the woman in bed with her, Maya knows. She stretches with a little groan.

“Time to get up already?” Carina mumbles into her pillow.

“Yep. Hup hup. Lots to do today.”

“Oh really?” Carina teases. “Why is that?”

Maya was just about to hop out of bed but instead, at Carina’s question, she rolls over on top of her.

With Carina stomach down, and her face stuffed into her pillow, it’s a little difficult to breath. “Maya, you’re suffocating me.”

The fire captain puts her lips right next to Carina’s ear. “I thought you liked it when I pressed all my weight on top of you. Like a weighted blanket, isn’t that what you said.” She rests her cheek against Carina’s, nuzzling there. “We’re getting married today, my love.”

Carina takes as deep of a breath as she can. With Maya enveloping all of her right now, she couldn’t be happier. The cherry on the top of it all is the fact that they are getting married today. “We are, bella. We are. Now get off of me.”

Maya laughs and pushes herself up onto her hands and knees. She waits because she knows Carina will flip over. And she does, and Maya bends at the elbows to press a quick kiss to Carina’s lips. “Good morning, my fiancée.”

“Not for long.” Carina bites her lip. “Buongiorno.” She tickles at Maya’s side.

Maya pulls back. She hates a surprise tickle attack. She wiggles her finger at Carina. “I’ll make you breakfast. What do you want?” She also wants to get started on the rest of the things on her list.

“Whatever you’re having, bambina.” Carina stretches her arms above her head, and it momentarily distracts Maya as Carina’s shirt lifts up slightly, reveling a little sliver of her belly. “Maya.”

Maya shakes her head. “Right. I’ll make breakfast. Lots to do. Get up.” She pats at Carina’s leg as she moves to get out of bed.

“Yes, captain.” Carina winks.

Maya rolls her eyes playfully. Secretly, or maybe not so secretly, she loves it when Carina calls her captain.

She makes her way to the kitchen after a pit stop at the bathroom. Maya gets her clipboard and sets it on the counter as she cracks a few eggs into a pan. She goes over her lists as the eggs cook. She’s gone through the lists a dozen or more times in the last few days. There are only a few things left. She’s got to pick something to wear. Maya is still undecided and has picked up a number of outfits as options. She hopes that when Andy comes over later, to help her get dressed and do her hair and makeup, that she will just pick for her. Maya also has to make sure that everything is on schedule. They don’t have a wedding or party planner so she’s responsible for everything happening on time. Maya still has to print off the wedding programs, rolls them up, and tie them with the little ribbon that Carina picked up. The ribbon was Carina’s idea. A nice touch, if Maya thinks about it. She was just going to have the programs sitting on the table in a stack for people to take. This way they will be more showy and cute.

Maya hears the eggs sizzling and flips them. She has the feeling that she’s forgetting something though. She looks through her pages of notes and lists again but can’t come up with anything that is amiss.

A pair of hands slips around her waist from behind. “That smells good.” Carina nuzzles her cheek against Maya’s shoulder.

“Did you want to make the coffee?” Maya ventures. They both know Carina is better at it, though Maya has improved some in recent months.

Carina laughs. “Of course, bella.” She gives Maya a squeeze before moving over to make them some coffee. She knows it will be a long day and that they’ll need it. She also notices Maya fixating on the list on her clipboard. She wishes she wouldn’t, but there’s not much she can do to stop it. Carina knows that’s just Maya’s way of having everything in order and in control.

“I think after breakfast I’ll pick my accessories for my outfit.” Carina let’s Maya know her plans.

“Okay, I’ll stay out of the bedroom.”

Carina smirks, remembering that Maya is firm on the no seeing what each other are wearing before the ceremony. If Maya wanted, she could just go in the closet and unzip the garment bag that Carina’s wedding outfit is in and look at it. But she won’t, and Carina loves Maya just a tiny bit more for her superstition.

They eat quietly, though there is a weird sort of buzzing energy in the room, between them. It definitely doesn’t go unnoticed. Maya keeps shifting in her chair because of it, and Carina will look over every time there is a shift, and Maya will shake her head with a tiny smile, and they will both go back to their breakfast.

After, Maya sets to her task of printing out the wedding programs and Carina ducks into their bedroom to put the final touches on what she wants to wear for their wedding.

Maya sits and watches the printer as it spits out page after page. It’s too quiet so she finds a wedding song playlist online and starts it. She bounces her head along with Bruno Mars’ Marry You as it plays through the speakers on her laptop.

Carina goes through all her jewelry in the bedroom. She comes across a pair of earrings that her mamma gave her when she was sixteen. A parting gift when she and Andrea left Italy for America. She frowns at the thought that the two of them won’t be here today. The two people in her in family that she would want to be with her on her wedding day. It’s not the first time that she’s thought about them, and she knows it won’t be the last time today, either. Carina takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. After Andrea’s death a few months ago, Carina didn’t know how she was going to move forward without him. She didn’t know how she would survive or thrive again. She knows there’s one reason, above all else, that she did. She gets up, abandoning what she’s doing to go find that reason.

She steps into the hallway and hears the song Maya is humming, recognizing the song as something that her father played back when she was a child. She hangs off the archway and watches Maya for a moment as she ties the ribbons around the programs. She tilts her head to the side at how cute the blonde is in this moment. Maya wants to be known as this bad ass, hardnosed fire captain, but Carina doesn’t see that at all. She knows it is in Maya’s body, but she doesn’t ever see that version of Maya at home. At the station, that’s another story. But, here, all Carina sees is her silly, happy, soft, sweet, caring wife. She knowns they aren’t married yet, but Maya has sort of felt like her wife for months now. There’s that thought again, about the time after Andrea’s death, it comes back right now. Carina dismisses it though. Today should be filled with happy moments.

Carina starts signing along with Maya’s humming, getting the blonde’s attention. Maya swings around at the sound and wraps Carina up in her arms. They spin around and laugh and share a kiss. It turns into them swaying around the kitchen and talking about the day. Carina’s been thinking so much about Andrea and her mamma she brings up Maya’s parents.

The resistance to the idea that Maya puts on has her pulling away from Carina. Maya makes her reasons and Carina doesn’t argue with them or push back.

“A couple months of marriage to you under my belt and I am sure I will be a lot braver.” She really hopes that she can be and that one day she can stand up to her dad and tell him that she’s happily in love with Carina. She wraps Carina up again, as a consolation, relishing in a kiss for a brief second. But when Carina tries to hold on and deepen the kiss she pulls away.

“Okay, lots to do and only five hours to do it.” Maya tries to walk away, get back to tying her ribbons on the programs.

“No, no, no, no, no.” Carina catches her hand and pulls her back in. “So, we’re going to the Polish restaurant and we’re-“

Maya just can’t resist. “And we’re gonna get married.” They sing and dance together. She just can’t help the happy smile on her face or the look on Carina’s face.

“I am hers.” Carina sings.

“She is mine.” Maya replies pulling Carina into another kiss.

Carina walks Maya backwards as they kiss. She presses her back into the archway. Her fingers slipping under Maya’s shirt, onto her sides.

“Mmmm, Carina.” Maya moans. “We have lots to do.”

“There’s only one thing I want to do right now.” Carina husks. She takes a step back, finding Maya’s hands and tugging her away from the arch. “Come.”

“Shouldn’t this wait until after we are married?” Maya goes willingly, though she side eyes the programs on the table.

“It will definitely happen again after we are married.” Carina pulls Maya into the bedroom.

“Andy is coming over in a little bit to help me get ready.” Maya reminds Carina.

Carina smirks. “Then we better get moving.”

Maya laughs and shakes her head. Sometimes she can’t believe how easy it is for them to get into a sexual situation. It’s so natural. There’s no trying, or thinking, or planning. It’s not a date or a night out. They’re just dancing in the kitchen and boom.

Carina pulls Maya around and unzips the zipper on her shirt, slipping her hand into the opening that she’s made, caressing the skin of Maya’s collarbone area. Maya slips her hands around Carina’s back, holding her close, hands moving to stroke lower until she reaches the buttchecks that look so good in the pair of pants that Carina is wearing.

Carina puts her head next to Maya’s, whispering in her ear. “I want you to make me come before and after our wedding.”

A shiver runs through Maya’s entire body. Her heartrate picks up. Carina’s words having an immediate effect on her. She forgets all about the programs, and the things that still need to be accomplished, and about Andy’s impending arrival, focusing completely on the woman in her arms.

Things heat up quickly and Maya has Carina laying prone on the bed as she unties her shoes. “Why do you have shoes on?” Maya grumbles. They are really impeding their current activities.

Carina laughs and looks down. “You have shoes on too, bella.”

“Yes. But mine don’t need to come off right now.” Maya groans in frustration at the stupid little shoestring.

She finally unties it after a moment. She removes the shoe and throws it aside. Next, off come Carina’s pants with no preamble. Maya crawls onto the bed between Carina’s legs. She plants a hand next to the brunette’s head and leans down for a kiss.

Carina’s hand stroke up Maya’s back, underneath her shirt. She turns her head to the side. Maya’s lips attach to her cheek before moving to her ear. “Take this off, bella. I want to see you.”

Maya wraps her lips around Carina’s earlobe, tugging on it for a moment before sitting up and pulling her shirt over her head in one foul swoop.

Carina lets out a shaky breath, her hands reaching on Maya’s hips, stroking her thumbs over the skin she can now see. She takes in Maya’s form, running her eyes from the woman’s waist all the way up to find those deep blue eyes. She sighs at the look that Maya is giving her. One of pure adoration and love. She wraps her hands around Maya’s face and pulls her back into a kiss. Maya’s lips wander after a few seconds she whispers. “Ti amo assolutamente.”

Maya looks up, through her eyelashes. “Assolutemente.” She repeats and Carina nods. Maya sinks lower on Carina’s body, pressing kisses to the center of her chest and the middle of her abdomen over her shirt. She hooks her fingers into the side of Carina’s lacy blue underwear and pulls them down her legs. She runs her hands up the outsides of Carina’s legs until she reaches her hips. Grabbing her hips and pulling Carina down the bed until her ass is just at the edge.

“Maya.” Carina moans in exhilaration.

The blonde grins, kneels on the floor at the side of the bed, licks her lips, and dives in. Carina’s hands immediately find Maya’s hair, holding on as Maya’s tongue licks through her folds. Maya hums and the vibration runs right through Carina. She tries to pinch her legs together as the pleasure courses through her. Maya holds steady though, preventing Carina’s thighs from crushing her before she’s finished.

Maya teases Carina’s entrance for a moment before running her tongue up to her clit; lapping at the little bundle of nerves over and over until Carina’s hips are lifting off the bed and the hands in her hair grip tighter and tighter. Maya rubs the tip of her nose over the area for a moment, giving her tongue a quick break. It doesn’t seem to slow Carina down any. She’s practically grinding herself against any part of Maya’s face that she can.

Blue eyes peek at Carina’s face as she brings her tongue back into the mix over the most sensitive spot, sucking at her clit in an attempt to get her to come in that second.

Carina moans, arching her back off of the bed. She’s close to coming undone.

Maya hears the door, then the bang in the hallway outside their bedroom door. But Carina’s hands on the back of her head keep her in place, though every fiber in Maya’s body is screaming to stop and just go greet Andy and minimize any possible conclusion’s that her Latina friend might be coming to right now.

Maya doubles her efforts, knowing that she’s not going to be released until Carina is coming in her mouth. She licks at the little nub continuously, twisting her tongue sideways and flicking with just the tip of her tongue.

There’s another loud moan from Carina and Maya smirks a little. Her girl is just so all around delicious. She latches on sucking and licking at the same time until Carina is coming over that edge, thrusting against Maya’s face and chin. The Italian’s whole body tensing, including around Maya’s head, as the power of her orgasm washes over her.

Carina releases Maya after a few seconds; hands coming up to put on her chest and forehead to try to catch her breath.

Maya straightens up, she gets to her feet. She kisses Carina’s cheek and then on the lips quickly so she’s not taking anymore of Carina’s breath from her. “Andy’s here.” She whispers.

“Aye, dio mio, Maya.” Carina mumbles.

“I’ll take care of her.” She kisses Carina once more before finding her shirt and slipping it over her head quickly. She hurries to the bedroom door before turning back to look at Carina on the bed once more. “I love you.” She sighs happily and smiles.

Carina’s eyes twinkle. “I love you, bambina.”

Maya nods and pulls the door open, slipping out. “Hi. Hi. Um- sorry. We’re here.” Maya tries to recover as Andy turns to see her. “We-uh- we just-“ She points over her shoulder, trying to think of anything to tell Andy. “Got out of the shower.” She cringes internally, knowing it’s not even remotely believable, but prays that somehow Andy will buy it.

Andy lets her off the hook. “Let’s get you married.”

Andy is starting on taming Maya’s wild sex hair when Maya hears the shower turn on. Maya knows that Andy has totally busted them now, if she hadn’t figured it out before. She’s such a terrible liar. She wouldn’t be surprised if Andy didn’t know she and Carina were having sex the second Maya emerged from the bedroom.

Maya chews on her lip at the thought of Carina moving from the bed to the bathroom to take a shower. The woman’s naked body and what she was just doing to her. She squirms in her chair.

“Sit still.” Andy scolds.

Maya can’t. “Let’s do this later. I need help picking something to wear.” They move to the other room and Maya starts pulling options out and setting them on the couch and chairs and every surface.

Carina gets all ready and changes into her wedding attire in the bedroom. She can hear Maya and Andy talking and laughing in the other room. She hears them discussing what Maya should wear and she makes an appearance to add her two cents before going back to finish her hair and makeup. It’s simple, nothing too glamourous or over the top.

“Andy?” Carina peeks her head out the bedroom door.

“Yes.”

“Could you come for a moment and help me with something?”

Maya wrinkles up her face wondering why Carina didn’t ask for her help before realizing that it’s something wedding attire related and that Carina is being considerate of not showing Maya any of her outfit before it’s time.

Andy comes into the room. “What’s up?” She sees that Carina is already dressed.

“I’m just about ready to go. How long are you guys going to be? Should I wait until you’re gone? Or go now? What do you think?” Carina has no idea what Maya’s timeline for leaving for the restaurant is.

Andy thinks about it for a moment. Maya hasn’t picked something to wear yet.

“You probably should go now. Maya is nowhere, well I shouldn’t say nowhere, but she still hasn’t picked what she wants to wear. We could be here a little bit yet.”

Carina hums, pursing her lips. “You better not be late.”

Andy chuckles. “You know Maya.”

Carina smiles. She does know Maya, and despite the situation, she knows Maya would never be late. Especially for their wedding.

“I’ll go out and face her away from you. You can make your escape. I’ll even put my hands over her eyes if I have to.”

Carina chuckles. “Thanks, Andy.”

“My pleasure. I love watching Maya squirm.” She smirks. Andy holds her arms out. Carina smiles and ducks her head but accepts Andy’s hug.

Andy holds onto Carina for longer than she might another time. The guilt inside her eating away, minute by minute. She doesn’t want to disturb the peace on their wedding day, but holding in the fact that Robert has gone behind all of their backs and spoken to the chief about replacing Maya as captain is making her edgy. She just hopes she can hold it together for today. Tomorrow she can figure out what to do about the situation. She understands that Chief McCallister is the one who requested the meeting, and that Robert was just going to talk on orders; but when she found out about how that talk went, Andy couldn’t even look at her husband. She just wants to focus on being there for Maya, and Carina, and put her husband out of her mind for the day.

Carina only needs one trip to get her belongings to her car. Which she’s sure Maya is thankful for. She hears Maya whining and complaining about Andy’s ‘smelly’ hands on her face.

The Italian drives herself to the restaurant. Carina shakes her head as she pulls into the parking lot. It’s a little silly that they are getting married in a restaurant. She walks in and the place is empty, but everything is set up or in the process of being set up. The lights are strung, the tables are all placed. On the tables are flowers in shades of pink and red and candles and the places are all set with plates and silverware and glasses. The bar is ready to receive patrons. In the corner, the cake sits on a table under a banner with their names on it. The room is amazing and again Carina can’t believe they are getting married in a restaurant, but it looks amazing, and she knows so much work has gone into setting everything up.

She wanted to get here early to see it all beforehand. Carina knows Vic, and her parents, and their head chefs have been in the kitchen since early in the morning getting all the food prepared. She wants to speak with them and let them know how appreciative she is of all of this.

Carina, though, is struck by the set up of the room and never makes it to show her gratitude when Vic walks out of the kitchen on her. She was just thinking if her mamma and Andrea could see this they would be smiling from ear to ear. Carina invited a few people from the hospital; but on short notice they would have needed to get tested and time off of work. The only person that she knows for sure that is coming is Dr. Bailey.

She would have liked to have Amelia or maybe even Teddy at her wedding, but she knows each of them are super busy with pandemic stuff and their own problems and families. Plus, she hasn’t seen anyone from the hospital in almost two months. She knows that it’s short notice and that not perfect circumstances, but she tries not to dwell too much.

Carina tries to hold the tears in as she thanks Vic, and they hug. It’s not how Carina would have drawn it up in a perfect world, but they aren’t in a perfect world. And with that, this here, this set up today, might be as close to perfect as they can get giving the circumstances.


Maya stands on the steps of her parent’s house nervous as she’s ever been. Some of that might have to do with her upcoming nuptials. Her father answers the door, and she tells him she’s bisexual, and that she’s marrying a woman today. She also sees her mom cowering behind him and tells her that she doesn’t have to live like that and if she wants, she can always come and stay with herself and Carina.

Maya says her piece and walks away from her father, from the front door. Lane shuts the door. Andy and Maya walk back to the car. Just as they are about to get in, the front door opens, and Katherine comes running out.

“Wait.”

 Andy and Maya both turn to see Katherine coming down the steps.

“Can I come?” She stops at the front bumper of the car.

“What?” Maya’s brain is a little foggy. She can’t believe she just came out to her father. It feels so surreal so she’s having a hard time processing what exactly her mother is saying.

“With you.” Katherine adds.

Maya looks over at Andy, confused.

Andy shrugs one shoulder. “Maya, I think she wants to be at your wedding.” She looks from Maya back to her mother. Katherine gives her a little thankful smile and nod.

“Oh.” Maya nods. That makes some sense. She nods. “You’ll have to wear a mask.” She gets in the car.

Andy chuckles and shakes her head at her friend. She’s going to chock it up to Maya being anxious and all riled up about the wedding day. She holds an arm out towards Katherine. “Come on, Mama Bishop. We don’t want to be late, or I won’t hear the end of it.”

Katherine smiles and nods, agreeing that Maya can be a little much when she’s in charge and on edge.

They drive to Kaminski’s in silence. Maya is in her head about what she just said to her father. Andy tries to ask Katherine a few mundane, run of the mill, conversation starter questions but the older Bishop woman only answers with one word answers. She does thank Andy for the extra mask that she had in the car, but other than that, it’s one word answers or comments.

Andy sneaks them into through the back door of the restaurant. She keeps an eye out for Carina while Maya brings all her stuff inside. She rolls her eyes as Maya carries in multiple outfit options. She can’t believe the blonde still hasn’t decided on what to wear. The ceremony is to start in thirty minutes. Maya is running out of time.

Katherine watches as her daughter looks over the options. “Would you like to know what I think?”

Maya scrunches up her face. She’s not sure if her mom is talking about what happened at the house, what she said to her father, how she offered to house her mother, or about today, or her choice of outfit. Maya isn’t sure she wants to know. This wasn’t part of the plan. It wasn’t on her itinerary, on her list. She just had to go and make today more complex by going over to her parent’s house.

“As far as?” Maya hangs it out there.

“What to wear?” Katherine says as if that was the obvious and only thing she was talking about. She has so many questions. And she saw the wedding programs in the back seat, they were sitting right next to her. She had wondered, for a brief second, if Maya was, in fact, marrying Carina. She knows little of the woman, but she does know that Carina was kind to her, and was concerned about Maya when they saw each other at the spaghetti dinner.

“Sure.” Maya glances over at her mother who sits on a chair in the corner of the room. The woman stands and comes over. She runs her hands over a few of the outfits and then starts lifting them and setting them aside.

Maya wonders for a moment if this is how it is supposed to be. A mother involved with her daughter when she picks out her dress for her wedding. She knows in a traditional sense, that is probably the case.

“This is the one I would choose for you.” Katherine lifts it.

Maya tilts her head to the side. “Really?”

“Yes.” She smiles and holds the dress up against Maya’s body.

Maya looks down at the dress and hums. It is a really nice dress and she liked how it looked when she tried it on originally. “I’ll try it on.” Maya still isn’t sure, but at the very least she’s going to humor her mother. She removes her clothes and slips into the dress. Well, more like shimmies into the thing. It’s form fitted so there isn’t much wiggle room. “Well, what do you think?” Maya holds her arms out at her sides a little.

Katherine turns around. The dress isn’t exactly what she imagined it would look like on Maya, it’s better. “You are so beautiful, dear.”

Maya hums. It’s a weird thing to hear from her mother. Her mother was never one to give her praise or compliments, and if she did, they were very run of the mill things like ‘you look good’ or ‘you did great’. There was never an elaboration on anything. She’s always kept it simple.

“Thanks.” Maya looks down at herself. She runs her hands over the material. “Do you think Carina will like it?” That insecurity rises.

“Oh, well, I don’t know Carina all that well, but you look beautiful so how could she not.”

Maya smiles shyly.

Andy sneaks back into the room. “Oh, good. You’re dressed.” She relieved that the attire has been finally decided.

Maya rolls her eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me. You’ve been being dramatic since I showed up at your house.” Andy raises a knowing eyebrow and fusses a little with Maya’s hair. “Carina is going to love this.” She says more to herself than to Maya or anyone else.

That confirms it for Maya. She’s going to leave the dress on. This is what she’s choosing, what she’s wearing. “How is everything going out there?”

“Guests are arriving. Everything is set up. Well, Vic is working on a few things yet. Just little things though like adjusting the strings of lights. Apparently, there is a certain position that they need to be in or something, and she’s the only one that knows what that position is.” Andy chuckles. “You are ready. The stage is set. We just need to wait-“ Andy checks the time. “-a few more minutes.”


Miranda sits with Carina across the hall from where Maya is set up. Carina bounces her leg anxiously. Miranda isn’t sure what to say or do to help the Italian. “Are you okay?” She puts a tentative hand on Carina’s shoulder.

“I just want to get this over with.”

Miranda scrunches up her face at that comment. “Is this- Do you-“

“NO. No, no, no.” Carina waves her hands in front of herself at Miranda thinking that she doesn’t want to get married or is having second thoughts. “I want to get married. I do. I just hate this waiting. I want to go out there, and get it over with, and be married.”

“Oh.” Miranda pinches her lips together. “Anything I can do to help speed up time then?” Carina’s anxiety is actually making her anxiety worse.

"No." Carina shakes her head.

They sit in silence for a few minutes. In the corner of the room, in Carina’s bag, her phone starts ringing. “Oh.” She pops up to get it. She thinks maybe it’s Maya. Why she thinks that she doesn’t know. Maybe she needs something before the ceremony. Whatever the reason, she knows she needs to answer it.

When she sees the screen though it’s not Maya. Which see should have known, it’s a completely different ringtone than the one she has for Maya. She’s just been thinking about Maya a lot and that was where her brain went. On the screen is Gabriella’s face. Carina accepts the video call.

“Ciao, bella.”

“Ahhh, how is the bride?” Gabriella teases. “Got cold feet yet?”

“My feet aren’t cold.” Carina looks down at her feet.

Gabriella laughs.

Miranda chuckles a little too. “It’s an idiom.” She whispers to Carina.

“Oh.” Carian nods. “Meaning?”

“Meaning are you going to be back out of getting married because you are afraid of something.” Gabriella fills in.

“Oh.” Carina thinks about the silly idiom. “No. Why does everyone keep asking me that? I want to get married. I’m going to get married. Just because I didn’t in the past doesn’t mean I can’t change my mind.”

“Oh, geez.” Gabriella concedes. “We’re just giving you crap.”

“Well, don’t.” Carian glares through the phone at her friend.

“In all seriousness, how you are doing? Nervous? Excited?”

“I feel like I might be calm, but I know I’m not. My leg won’t stop bouncing. I think it’s excitement. A little nerves. Mostly, I think, because I want everything to go perfectly, for Maya’s sake. She and her friends put all of this together in a few weeks. It’s amazing. She’s so amazing.”

“Okay. Okay. Enough gushing about the wifey. I asked about you. I only want to hear about you right now.”

Carina ducks her head, getting a little shy at that. She hates when people dote on her or make something about her. She hates the attention. Especially in front of her boss. But maybe today her boss isn’t her boss. Or just her boss. Carina isn’t sure if she’s close enough to the woman to call Dr. Bailey a friend, but if any day she could be considered a friend today would be that day. Tomorrow she can go back to being the boss lady.

“I want to get to the point after we are married, ya know.”

Gabriella laughs. “No, I don’t know, but I understand what you are trying to say. That you want to just be married, enough with the fuss of everything.”

“Si, esattamente.” Carina raises a hand in the air. Finally, someone that gets it.

“Si. Si. You’re ready to go? Just a few minutes yet. You seemed surprised when you answered.” Gabriella gets the jitters that Carina might have. That’s normal for anyone.

“I forgot you were going to call. My phone was in my bag. I don’t know why, but I thought it was Maya when I heard the phone ringing. Why would she be calling me right now?” Carina clicks her tongue.

“Ahhh, well, I’m not the wifey. Just your best friend, friend, former sex buddy-“

Carina glances over at Bailey as Gabriella says that last part and Miranda is looking up at the ceiling, clearly, trying to pretend that she didn’t hear that.

“It’s common knowledge, Dr. Bailey.” Gabriella sees Carina looking over at her boss. “Sorry, to spoil your ears.”

“Girl, the things I hear and know about that happen and have happened at the hospital that shouldn’t. I could write probably four tell all books. I’m just happy this one is marrying outside of the hospital and I won’t have to worry about her anymore.” Dr. Bailey grins at Carina, giving her a little wink.

Gabriella raises an eyebrow. “Impressive. But you never know, this one could have a little side piece at the hospital.”

“GABRIELLA.” Carina yells.

Her friend laughs. “No, you’re right. I can’t see that happening. Carina is right. She’s not a cheater. And she’s not one to sleep around. She’s always been one person at a time. Very honorable.”

“Can you stop?” Carina’s ears burn.

“I’m just teasing.” Gabriella grins devilishly. “What I meant to say was- I’m super happy for you today and I wish that I could be there for your big day. And when all this Covid BS is over I will come and visit you and the ole ball and chain.” She smirks but sees Carina roll her eyes. “Okay fine. You and your wife.” She winks and Carina smiles at that. “You like that, don’t you?”

Carina nods and rolls her eyes. She more than likes the idea of someone calling or herself calling Maya her wife. She’s starting to think that there might be a certain pride in being married to Maya with all her accomplishments in life and her status as a captain for the Seattle Fire Department. Of course, it isn’t the only thing that matter but in social settings there’s a certain honor in that.

“It’s solid.” Gabriella grins. “I will let you go get married.” She looks at her watch and even though the hour doesn’t match, the minutes do, and there are only a few minutes until the top of the hour. “Since you’re so amped about getting hitched. I love you. I will talk to you soon, but not in the next few days cuz I know you’re gonna want to get that newlywed lovin’ going. Have a wonderful day. Now hand the phone to Dr. Bailey so I can see how beautiful you are.”

Carina bites her lip. “Thanks, Gabri. I love you too. I’ll call you soon.” She hands the phone over to Miranda and Miranda shows off Carina and her outfit.

“Favolosa.” Gabriella whistles. “You are rocking that suit, tesoro. Ciao.”

The call disconnects and Miranda presses her lips together in Carina’s direction.

“I know. She can be a bit much.”

“Did what she say- was that true?”

Carina wonders which part Miranda is referring to but realizes that everything Gabriella said was true. “Yes.”

Dr. Bailey laughs, shaking her head, and handing Carina’s phone back to her.


“Everything is ready.” Vic pops into the room Maya is stationed in. She smiles at the blonde, seeing that she is dressed now. “You finally made a decision.” She teases.

Maya runs her hands over the material of her dress. “My mom helped.”

“Awww.” Vic coos. “Ready to go rockstar? It’s nearly one o’clock.”

Maya looks over at Vic. “Is Carina here?”

Vic laughs. “Oh, Bishop.” She shakes her head. “Of course she’s here.” She goes over and gives Maya a gentle hug, careful not to ruin her hair or make up. “I’m gonna go out and get all set up. When you hear the music that’s your cue.” She winks and spins on her heels.

Vic sneaks out of Maya’s waiting room and into Carina’s. Carina is sitting in a chair in the corner and Miranda Bailey is standing at a window looking outside. The atmosphere in the room a bit like Maya’s. There’s a tension in the air and Vic knows that both of them just want the time to come and get out there and get married. “Carina? You ready?”

“Is Maya ready?” Carina shoots back.

Vic just shakes her head. “You two. Like two peas in the same pod.”

Carina wrinkles up her face at that. Vic waves it off. “She’s ready. I’m going to go out and get ready and then I’ll start. When the music starts, that’s when you come out.” Vic turns to Miranda. “Best go find your hubby and tell him it’s go time.”

Miranda gives a thumbs up and shuffles past Vic out of the tiny room.

Vic goes over to Carina. She puts her hands on each of Carina’s shoulders. “I don’t know what you’re feeling right now, but we got you. I know this isn’t the ideal situation, but remember that everyone here isn’t just here for Maya. They’re here for you too.” Vic harkens back to the conversation they had when Carina arrived at the restaurant and was looking around. She was almost shocked that Carina thought they were only doing all of this for Maya. So, she explicitly wants to make sure that Carina knows it’s about her too, it’s for her too.

Carina sighs. “Thanks, Vic. I know. I just- I got caught up before. I was thinking about Andrea and my mamma, and how none of my family are here, and how it was all Maya’s people.”

“Understandable.” She squeezes Carina’s shoulders. “Let’s get you married.”

Andy gives Maya a kiss on the cheek and goes to the dining area. She’s got to be ready to take the flowers when the ladies get to the front of the room.

Now that the room has emptied and Maya is alone, she takes a few deep breathes knowing that it’s only a few moments now. In a few moments, she’ll get to see Carina. That’s what Maya is most excited about right now. Two things. She’s excited to see Carina and what she’s wearing and how gorgeous she looks. The other being, Carina seeing her in her dress for the first time. She looks down at it again, knowing it’s too late to make any changes, but wondering if it’s the right choice.

The notes of the song reach Maya’s ears. She puts the hand that isn’t holding her flowers on the doorknob and twists it. This is it. This is the moment Maya has been waiting weeks for. It’s actually happening, and she needs to take just a half a second to reel all that in.

So, when she opens the door, she sees Ben first. Standing there holding his elbow out for her. Maya steps out, wrapping her hand around his elbow with a smile as she sees Carina step out and do the same half a second later. She leans forwards, around Ben, to get a better look at Carina. Her suit, her flowers, her hair. All of it, Maya takes in for a single moment before they are moving forward. She faces forward and walks so she doesn’t trip and fall flat on her face. That would be the biggest embarrassment on her wedding day.

Carina is more of the eyes forward, get to the destination type as they walk up the ‘aisle’. Maya looks around at all their guests as they move.

Andy comes to take the flowers from them as the song draws to a close. Maya sees her coming out of the corner of her eye. But Carina doesn’t. Andy has to reach for Carina’s flowers as the woman is too busy looking at Maya. Maya in her skintight dress, that accentuates all of her curves. Carina has to take a few deep breaths to hold it together.

Maya reaches out for Carina’s hands and Carina can see all the nervousness in Maya’s eyes. She knows Maya also doesn’t like when all eyes are on her. So, she gives those hands a squeeze as she takes them, rubbing her thumbs over the back of Maya’s hands as she does so. Maya transforms for that moment, before her eyes. With a smile in her eyes, Maya starts mouthing the words to the song along with Vic.

They applaud Vic and her performance before finding each other’s hands again so the ceremony can start, that nervous energy returning.

It’s Ben’s turn to do his part. They both know this is going to be very brief. It’s what they’ve agreed to.

“Now I understand that you wrote your own vows.”

Maya gets lost in Carina’s eyes as they stand there for a moment as Ben starts. It’s when the words hit Maya, she knows she fucked up.

“Oh my god.” Dread runs through her entire body. This can’t be happening. She thought she was going to be embarrassed if she tripped and fell. This is so much worse than that.

“What?” Carina asks as panic and fear overtake Maya’s face.

“I forrrr-got.” She looks between Carina and Ben. “We were writing our own vows.” She whispers that part to Carina as Carina nods at her that, yes, they agreed to write their own vows. “Oh my god, I got so excited about it.” She remembers when they talked about doing the vows. Maya was excited. She doesn’t know how she could have forgot. Now, she remembers what she was forgetting this morning when she was going over her list for a final time. That thing that was nagging at her, but she couldn’t remember. Because she didn’t actually write it down on any list, or maybe she did and it got misplaced, because Maya was certain that she didn’t need to write that one thing down. She would remember to write vows for her wedding. It’s arguable the most important part. And now Carina is looking at her like she can’t believe it either, and Maya starts to panic and spin out, and flail her hands.

“I’m so sorry.” She apologizes to Carina first. She can hear Carina laughing though. The mortification is stronger, so she continues on. She looks to the crowd, to the guests, and then to Ben. She doesn’t know what to do. What is she supposed to say?

Carina tries to catch those hands, keep a firm grip on them, to help Maya through this. “No, no, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey.” She tries to get Maya’s attention back on her.

“I can’t- I’m so-“ She finally focuses on Carina.

“This is perfect. It’s okay. It’s okay. Listen to yourself. Queen of the Clipboard, Maya Bishop was so excited about something that she forgot.” Carina says with tears in her eyes. She doesn’t know if the tears are from this being comical or from sheer adoration for Maya in this moment. “I love that.”

Maya feels the tears too. She takes a breath. “Sorry.” She takes Carina’s hands again and thinks of the most basic part of what she was going to say to Carina, because she did have thoughts, at one point, about what she wanted to say in her vows. She just never got around to writing them down, and finalizing them, and memorizing them. “I love you. And I choose you. Forever.” She smiles at Carina as she says the words that she means with everything she’s got.

The sound of an outburst of crying pulls Carina’s attention from Maya though. They both look over in the direction of the interruption. That’s when Carina first notices that Maya’s mother is in the room.

“Sorry, sorry. Keep going.” Katherine doesn’t want to make a scene.

Carina is surprised, to say the least, she turns back to Maya to question how it’s even possible that her mother is here, but she sees the look on Maya’s face. A mix of what Carina thinks is a little sadness and disbelief in Maya that she is seeing her mother break down over their vows, their wedding. That’s when Carina knows that no matter what she says right now doesn’t matter.

“I don’t need to say anything else.”

Maya shifts her attention back to Carina. Carina nods. “We’re good.”

“We’re good?” Ben asks.

Carina nods and Maya knows that they are good as well and nods. “Yeah.” She breathes out, almost unbelieving what is happening right now. She locks back in on Carina.

“Then, Maya Bishop- do you take-“

Maya doesn’t even let him finish. She stares right into those impossibly vibrant brown eyes. “I do.”

“Me too.” Carina breathes out. She couldn’t wait any longer.

Everyone laughs. But that doesn’t deter Maya. She keeps her eyes locked on Carina. And vice versa.

“I now pronounce you wife and wife.”

Carina hums as the words leave Ben’s mouth. She grins and leans in at the same time as Maya for the first kiss.

There is a round of applause and they finally turn to address the crowd around them. Carina lifts a excited little leg in the air as everyone cheers them on.

After a moment, the commotion dies down and Maya reaches for Carina’s hand. Carina leans into Maya’s side and whispers. “Your mamma is here.”

“Surprise?” Maya bites her lip. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later when we have more time.” She can see their guests coming over to them to give their congratulations.

They hold a semi-receiving line, greeting and thanking everyone for coming, receiving congratulations.

Chapter 43

Notes:

I wanted to have everyone involved with their wedding. The previous chapters we saw what Vic and Travis contributed. Andy, Miranda, Ben and even Maya’s mom in the last chapter. Here in this chapter, we will see Emmett, Jack, Dean.
Anyone know the song Just The Way You Are by the piano man Billy Joel. I was doing my remodeling project and the song came on the radio. It was like one of those lightbulb moments. Ah, that’s the song I’m going to use. I think it’s the perfect song for Maya and Carina’s wedding song. So here we are.
Also I’m borrowing a line from my best friend that she said on her wedding day last June. ‘I’m glad that’s over.’ Which I find funny and very fitting.
We pick up exactly where we left off. Enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Emmett stands off to Carina’s side, taking picture after picture on his phone as everyone congratulates the couple and gives them a hug. He already went around and photographed the setup, the chairs, the whole room, the lights, all the flowers and decorations.

Once he had a chance to speak with Travis about the wedding, Emmett didn’t know what to get the couple as a gift. Travis told him that he was in charge of decorations and Vic setting up the venue and Andy is the maid of honor/coordinator on the day. That the whole team and chipped in in some way. He suggested that Emmett could be the unofficial photographer.

He has taken his role very seriously.

Vic comes over to the newly married couple. She wants to let them know that the meal will be served in five minutes. She puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder. “How do you feel?” She grins.

Carina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m glad that’s over.” Her anxiety about the nuptials ebbing away.

Vic laughs. “You guys are funny.”

Maya chimes in. “I agree with my wife.” She grins like a fool, using the word wife for the first time after they’ve been officially married. She reaches for Carina’s hand, interlocking their fingers. “I’m glad that’s over.” There’s all that build up before the wedding, the planning, the preparation, the stress. The worry and anxiety of the ceremony has now slipped away and been replaced with calm and a sense of security, relief. Now no one will be able to separate Carina from her, so that adds to the relief too.

“Okay, the food is going to be served shortly.” Vic tells them with a smile. “So, if you’ll take your seats.” It will be an indication for everyone else to take a seat at a table.

They are about halfway through their meal, which Carina has complimented and congratulated Maya on every time she tries something new from her plate. Maya chuckles and tells her she didn’t cook it, every time. She knows what Carina means to say though; to thank her for getting everything set up and the menu planned and set.

“So, tell me how your mamma is here?” Carina asks between bites.

“Well, you know how I said I wasn’t going to go and come out to my dad.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I did.” Maya shakes her head with an idiotic little smile. She still can’t believe that she did it. They were just talking about it this morning and she really thought that it wasn’t something that she needed to happen. But the closer it got to the ceremony, the more she thought about it, and then she was in the car with Andy and Andy brought it up. Maya felt like, at that point, she had to do it.

Also, it felt good afterwards. It was off her chest, and she could go into her marriage completely free. And she did. She does.

“Wow, bella.” Carina puts her right hand over Maya’s left. “I’m really proud of you. So, then did you invite them to the wedding? What happened? Your mom is here but not your dad.”

“No. I didn’t.” Maya chuckles cynically. “I was so focused on just getting those words out that no other thoughts went through my head. I may have said that we would take my mom in if she decided to leave my dad for good.”

Usually, they would talk about things like this before they happened, but Carina has offered in the past, and so it’s not a big issue for her. “So, is your mom coming to live with us?” She thinks it will be an interesting way to start their marriage.

Maya shrugs. “I, honestly, don’t know. There was no discussion about it. I said what I said and then I went to leave. She followed me and Andy out to the car and we brought her here with us. I have no clue if she has any intention of leaving my father or if she just wanted to be at the wedding.”

“You should probably talk to her.” Carina chuckles.

Maya pouts. “Will you come with me?”

“Yes, dear.” Carina pats at Maya’s hand. “After we eat.” She really wants to finish her meal. The eggs they had this morning have long past left her system.

Maya comes over to Carina, sometime after they’ve finished eating and are mingling about with guests, pulling the glass of wine from her hand and setting it on the bar. Carina gives he a questioning look. “Come with me?” Maya whispers. Carina nods. Maya has a little something for Carina, so she guides her to the office that has Maya’s outfits and bags of stuff in.

“What we are doing, bella?” Carina looks around the small room. “Is this a sexy wedding hook up?”

Maya starts shuffling through one of the bags that she brought, ignoring Carina’s questions. “Where the fuck did those do? I know I put them in here.” She about ready to go get Andy to help.

“What are you looking for? Maybe I can help.” Carina offers with a gentle hand on Maya’s back.

“No.”

Carina wrinkles up her face and crosses her arms over her chest at Maya’s rejection of the idea for help.

Maya can feel Carina’s reaction, even with her back to the brunette. She turns slightly, giving Carina a guilty smile. “Sorry. What I meant was- no you may not help because I have something for you, and I need to look for it, and find it, so I can give it to you.”

Carina tilts her head to the side. “You didn’t need to get me anything.”

“Ohhhh, but I did.” Maya fishes around and finds the little box wrapped with a bow at the bottom of the bag finally. “Ah, ha.” She pulls it out and holds it up in the air above her head like it’s a secret treasure that she’s just found. After a moment, Maya pulls it down and turns to Carina. “This. Is for you?” She holds out the little box.

“What is it?” Carina wonders quietly.

“Open it.”

Carina carefully unwraps the ribbon, setting it aside, before lifting the lid off the box. She gasps at what she sees inside. Safely, in Styrofoam, rest two little angels, one male and one female, as they look up at Carina.

“I know they couldn’t be here today. And I know that makes you sad. And I know that you don’t want to bring it up and make anyone pity you or be sad about it too on our wedding day. So, I thought what if I get something that you can keep as a reminder of today, but also in their memory and a reminder that they are probably watching us from somewhere right now and grinning like fools cuz you married the sexy fire captain.”

Carina chuckles as tears fill her eyes. “Oh, Maya.” She reaches out and Maya catches her as she falls into her arms.

“You’re welcome.”

Carina laughs. “Thank you, bambina. I love them.” She looks at the little figurines over Maya’s shoulder.

“Good. We can put them on the mantle or bookcase or somewhere when we get home.” Maya rubs her hands up and down Carina’s back. “I wish they could have been here today, and I know it sucks that it’s just my crew, and Bailey, and I guess my mom. But if things were different, I would want your family here too. If we weren’t in a pandemic and this wasn’t rushed.”

Carina pulls back and locks her eyes with Maya’s.

This has been brought up before, but Maya wants to make sure that Carina hears it again. “Maybe when things settle down, we can have another wedding. Well maybe not another wedding, but a party, or reception, or something like that where we can have people from the hospital. Like, planned out ahead of time so people can take off, and some of your family in from Italia can fly in. And Gabriella.” Maya suggests. She doesn’t want to do another wedding. But a party she thinks she can handle.

“That would be wonderful.” She sighs at how much thought Maya has put into today. Not just today but about their future and possible plans for another gathering that has better timing and planning. She looks at the angel figurines one more time. Shaking her head, a little in disbelief.

“They had, like, little blonde ones. I don’t know why but they were mostly all blonde. These were the only pair that I found that had darker hair.” Maya knows it’s silly, but she feels like a silly little anecdote is what they need right now.

Carina hooks her left arm around Maya’s neck and pulls her into a searing kiss. “You’re amazing.”

Maya shrugs. “You’re more amazing.”

Carina closes her eyes. “We’ll have to agree to not agree.”

“Okay.”

There’s a knock on the door. Maya knows that it’s likely Andy. “Yeah?” She calls out.

“It’s time for the first dance.” Andy says through the door.

“First dance?” Carina asks with a raised eyebrow.

Maya shrinks a little in her place. “I know, I didn’t tell you. I kind of wanted it to be a surprise. I hope it’s okay.”

“It’s okay, bella. I like dancing with you.” Carina runs her hands up and down Maya’s arms.

Maya groans. “I hate people watching me do stuff.”

“But you wanted this.” Carina grins. “I like watching you do stuff.”

“I’ll let you watch me do stuff whenever.” Maya shrugs. Carina is the exception to just about every rule. Plus, she wanted to do this for Carina, despite her hatred for eyes on herself.

Carina presses her lips to Maya’s quickly. “Then pretend it’s just you and I. And mine are the only eyeballs on you.”

Maya takes a deep breath, chuckling as she lets it out. “We’ll be there in a minute.” She calls to Andy.

They go out and Jack turns the playlist off that had been playing as soon as he sees them. He volunteered to get the music for the party and dancing all set up. Maya only had one request when he came to her and asked to be the ‘DJ’. And it was the song for their first dance as a married couple.

The notes of Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are starts up. Jack grins and nods to Maya. Their little surprise. No one else knew until now.

Maya takes a few steps backwards, holding out her hand for Carina. Carina smiles and follows after Maya to the little area between the tables where they can dance slowly together.

They wrap around each other, swaying together. Maya whisper-sings the words to Carina as they dance. She has no idea if Carina knows the song or not, but sings to her, nonetheless.

The saxophone solo starts about three quarters of the way through, and Carina lays her head on Maya’s shoulder. Maya holds the brunette a little tighter. The song starts to come to a close and Maya says one more thing.

“Remind me to add this song to my Carina Playlist. I haven’t yet.” She mostly hasn’t had time and she also didn’t want Carina to see it if she looked at the playlist and have that ruin the surprise.

Carina lifts her head. She moves one hand from Maya’s waist and brings it up to graze her knuckles against Maya’s cheek. “Grazie, bambina. Ti amo tanto. Così come sei.”

Maya nods. “I love you.” She sighs and Carina leans in and kisses her. They receive a few wolf whistles from their friends. A few claps too. Maya’s cheeks tinge pink. She’s never felt more love than she does today. By Carina and by her team, her friends. She never thought she could be content with love but here she is taking in as much as she can.

Jack puts his wedding playlist back on, a modern upbeat song, and Carina and Maya slip away from the ‘dance floor’.

Carina pulls Maya over to the table Katherine is sitting at. “Hey, guys.” She addresses the table. Katherine, Inara, and Miranda. “Can we have a moment with Maya’s mamma?” She gets two nods in reply.

Carina takes the chair that Miranda was occupying and Maya sits in the chair that Inara had been in.

“Congrats, again.” Katherine smiles at Carina. She still can’t believe her daughter is married, and to Carina.

“Grazie, mamma Bishop.” Carina reaches out and puts her hand on top of Katherine’s on the table, giving it a pat, before pulling her hand back to her lap. “I was pleasantly surprised to see you-“ She waves over her shoulder, referring to the ceremony. “-earlier.”

“It’s a bit of a tale. I’m surprised too. I’m surprised to be here. I’m surprised I left the house. I’m surprised that you two are married. I’m surprised that-“ She was going to say something about Maya and how Maya is even open to the idea of marriage, but doesn’t. “I’m just surprised.”

“I’m glad you were here.” Carina smiles genuinely. Even if Maya doesn’t voice it, Carina knows that Maya is happy to have her mother here, thus Carina is happy about that.

“So, Maya told me that she offered for you to stay with us, if you would like. I wanted to let you know myself that the offers stands. And that it wasn’t just Maya saying it. It comes from both of us.”

Katherine nods. “Thank you girls. I was thinking of getting a hotel for a night or two. Since you just got married. I don’t want to step on any toes.”

Carina wrinkles up her face, not getting the idiom.

“It’s really not a problem, mom.” Maya makes this moment to be heard. “We want you there, even if it means-“ Carina shakes her head and narrows her eyes at Maya and Maya doesn’t finish that sentence. “We mean it.”

“That’s very generous of you.” She looks between Maya and Carina. “I was speaking with Dr. Bailey and she has informed me of some programs that she knows about through the hospital that help-“ Katherine ducks her head. “-women like me.”

Carina nods. She knows about those programs too.

“We want to help too.” Maya gets agitated about this. She wants to ‘fix’ it. She knows now that not only was she abused, and held prisoner by her father, maybe not in the same ways, but so was her mother. And her brother.

“I know, dear.” Katherine sighs.

“Maybe we could get the hotel and you could stay at our apartment.” If her mom doesn’t want to stay in a hotel, then they could stay in the hotel, and she could have their apartment.

“Maya.” Carina looks over at her wife and shakes her head.

Maya frowns. “What?”

“That’s very generous.” Katherine says.

What Carina understands right now that Maya doesn’t is that not only does Katherine not want to encroach on their wedding night, she also doesn’t want to bring a lot of attention to her situation, or want to or ask for help. For whatever reason, Carina doesn’t know that part, but Katherine doesn’t want all of the attention, or any attention.

“We can set you up with a hotel for tonight and tomorrow night.” Carina offers.

“Your friend Dean also offered.” Katherine keeps her head low as she speaks, unable to look at either Maya or Carina.

Maya looks over at Dean. She doesn’t know what’s going on. Or how Dean found out. Maybe word has spread about her mother throughout the room. Her crew can never keep their mouths shut about anything. Or maybe her mother spoke to Dean one on one. He could have asked about Maya’s dad and Katherine could have filled him in. The possibilities are endless as to who knows what in this moment. All Maya knows is that she’s been in her own self, her own head, living her own little fairytale day with Carina. She also knows that, above all else, Dean is a great man.

“He’s going to get me a ride and he’s already set everything up at the hotel. I don’t know how I’m ever going to thank him, but I didn’t want to ask you two for help. He’s very generous. He showed me pictures of his little girl. She’s very cute.”

“She is.” Carina agrees before Maya can say anything about the arrangments. They divulge into talk about little Pru and forget about the situation that Katherine is in. Except that Maya can’t forget. She’s not listening, not paying attention. She in her own head thinking of what she can do to fix the problem.

“What are you going to do?” She says at an apparent pause in the conversation between her wife and her mother.

“What do you mean, dear?” Katherine asks in confusion.

“About da- Lane.” Maya’s eyes flick to the left and then to the right, anxious about saying her father’s name.

“I don’t know yet.” Katherine shrugs. “One day at a time. That was what my therapist told me when I went.”

“You don’t go anymore?” Carina catches the way Katherine worded the sentence. She might not get idioms or American phrases and she might forget words in English sometimes. Maya tells her that even she forgets English words sometimes and English is her first language; but Carina knows how a sentence can be restructured to mean something that you are not saying.

Katherine shakes her head.

“I go now.” Maya, ever the child in her mother’s eyes, ever the people pleaser, needs to blurt out.

Katherine smiles softly at her daughter. “Your father found out.” She doesn’t blame Maya. Her appearance at the spaghetti dinner and then her attempt to move out and Lane finding out and approaching Maya about it had repercussions. She stopped going to therapy and Lane convinced her to move back in, promising her things. More freedom to go places, to spend more time outside of the house on her own, more than just grocery shopping. Him promising to be a better and more understanding husband. That lasted all of a week before Lane was back to his old ways and she was stuck again.

“I need some time to think. To see if this is really what I want. Unlike you, I don’t have a job, no money, no discernable skills, other than keeping a home. It’s not just something that’s easy.” Katherine is smart enough to understand the position that she’s in. It’s an entirely different thing to commit to jumping into the unknown. She knows little of how life works. She’s very much stuck in the role of housekeeper and mother, even though her children have grown up and long since left the house. She’s still kept a house for them all these years, especially a place for Mason if he were to ever show up at the door. She’s always known that Maya would be fine. And seeing her here today, Katherine would say that’s she’s doing more than just fine.

“When I make a decision, I’ll let you know.”

Maya nods, sadly.

“It’s scary, Maya.” Katherine says.

Carina puts a hand on Katherine’s arm, giving it a squeeze. “We got you.” She uses the words Vic used on her earlier. “Let’s dance.” She stands and coaxes Katherine to her feet as well. “Come on, bella.” She winks over at Maya.

Maya looks up and gets to her feet, very much still thinking about everything. She follows her mother and wife to the dance floor. Carina starts dancing in a goofy manner. Maya shakes her head, knowing she’s doing it to get a smile or laugh from Maya and it works.

Carina holds her hand out towards Maya. Maya locks their hands together. Carina pulls Maya into her body. “Stop thinking about it for right now. You can think about it all you want tomorrow. Think about me and all my sexiness.” She grins, taking a step away from Maya, still holding her hand but busting a move away from her, showing off, shaking her hips for Maya.

It doesn’t take much for Maya’s brain to switch. She grins at Carina and her sexiness and dance moves. The take a few songs to dance it out before Vic’s mom is calling them over to cut the cake.

They sit down to have cake, after Emmett has taken about one hundred pictures of them with the cake. That’s when Carina says she was afraid to get married because of all the wedding drama. How her Aunt Stella had a heart attack at her parent’s wedding. And that at her cousin’s wedding her mom stabbed her dad in his hand.

Emmett comes over, showing them some of the photos. Some of his favorites from the day. He tells Carina and Maya that he can put together an album and that he can sit down with them at some point so they can pick out what photos they want printed.

The excitement is waning for everyone. Most being all danced out, gather around to chat in small groups. But not Maya. She’s ready for more dancing. Not fast, upbeat dancing. Not dancing with her friends and co-workers. Other than a couple of dances to a couple of songs Maya has mostly spent the afternoon dancing and talking with other people than the most important person.

So, when Andy excuses herself from them for some water and the song At Last starts through the speakers; Maya takes Carina by the hand and pulls her over to the corner of the room for some one on one time, some alone time together. She spins Carina around before pulling her into her body.

Carina rests her forehead against Maya’s. “I love your dress, bella ragazza.”

“I had hoped you would like it.” That insecurity still there for Maya.

Carina reaches for Maya’s hands, but as soon as their hands are connected Maya pulls Carina’s hands to her backside. Carina knows that Maya has put everything else aside as she stares into the beautiful blue eyes. Maya has stopped thinking about her mamma and is just enjoying their day again.

“You could have worn a trash bag today and I would’ve been happy.”

“Yeah?” Maya smiles.

Carina smiles back. “I can’t wait to peel this off of you later.” She spins Maya around, turning her so that her back is facing Carina. She runs her hand over Maya’s hip, across her thigh, feeling the fabric of the dress before Maya is turning back around and pulling their bodies tight together, pulling Carina’s hand to her backside again. She loves that Maya loves her hands on her ass, even here, even now. They sway together, eyes locked together, nothing outside of the other mattering.

They don’t hear the dinging of everyone’s phone with being off in their corner, off in their own little dreamland. Everyone in the room stares at them though. The next song comes on and Maya keeps dancing with her newly minted wife.

Jack whispers it first. “Should we tell her?” He’s standing next to Travis, who whips his head around. He was silently asking Vic the same question.

“Nooooo.” Travis whispers. “And ruin their day? Nooooo.” He looks around the group. They can’t. He knows they can’t.

Jack looks to Andy for a different answer. “It’s on all of our phones. I’m sure she got the same message.” He whispers.

Sullivan shakes his head and takes another drink of whatever he’s drinking.

The mood in the room has soured. Everyone looks around at each other in disbelief and with questions in their eyes. Then, it turned to everyone avoiding eye contact with anyone else, eyes downcast.

Jack is the one that moves from his position first. He goes over to Andy. As lieutenants, he feels like they are probably the two that need to handle this, to deliver the news. They whisper to each other and Sullivan tries to interrupt them. “Just let it be. She’ll find out when she looks at her phone. The way it was intended to be delivered.”

Andy glares at him and pulls Jack away from the group, away from her husband.

“You have to tell her.” Jack says a little louder than a whisper now that they are farther away from Maya.

Andy frowns. The guilt eats away at her. She worries about the repercussions of this. She worries about Maya. She worries about herself, as selfish as that is right now. She questions whether she should have held Robert’s discussion with the chief from Maya. She knows it wasn’t her place as a co-worker, but as a friend didn’t she have a responsibility to, at least, give Maya a heads up about what was happening. They all know that there was going to be an investigation. But this. To be stripped of her captaincy in an email.

“Andy?” Jack tries to get her attention. He puts a hand on her shoulder. “You have to.”

“I know.” Andy swallows.

But before Andy can make a move there is a smashing sound, the sound of glass breaking, a shriek from someone in shock. Andy looks over and sees the broken glass around Ben and Miranda’s feet.

“Sorry.” Ben slurs. He’s the drunkest out of all of them. Dad Ben has had himself a good afternoon. He was trying to hold his phone and read the email again, and hold onto his wife, and hold his glass all at the same time and it didn’t work.

The crash pulls Maya’s attention over to the main throng of guests. She takes Carina’s hand, and they walk over to the group. She notices their faces. Something’s off.

“Nobody move.” Vic’s dad comes over with a broom and dustpan. He starts sweeping up the glass.

Maya looks at everyone. There’s something wrong, she can see it. Some won’t make eye contact; some do and then look away. “What’s going on?” Maya thinks it’s a fire or an accident and that the crew has been called in and that none of them want to be the one’s to tell her that.

Everyone looks to Andy. The Latina rolls her eyes at them. She knows that she’s the one that has to do it though. “Where’s your phone?”

“In the back office. Why?” Maya hasn’t looked at her phone in hours.

Andy moves before she says anything else. She goes and stands in front of Maya. “Okay.” She looks around at their team. “Everyone here just got an email from the chief. And I’m sure there’s a message on your phone as well.” Andy sees the color drain from Maya’s face.

“About?” Maya asks, her voice coming out sounding weak. She clears her throat trying to make it stronger. Her stomach twists in knots though. Her hands start to get clammy. She stiffens. She knows, she thinks she knows, what it’s about. It’s got to be about her, about her breaking protocol the other day.

Andy’s lips twitch up on the left side. Maya can tell that Andy doesn’t want to say whatever the message is. “Look, Maya, I don’t want to-“

“Just tell me.” Maya grinds out.

Carina squeezes Maya’s hand, trying to get her to look over at her, to move, to unclench her muscles, to release the now too tight grip on her hand.

“You are no longer captain.” Andy whispers the words.

“What?” Shock. It’s Carina that says it.

Maya furrows her brow, confused.

“Maya is no longer captain of nineteen.” Andy looks from Maya to Carina and then back.

“Of nineteen or at all?” Maya asks.

“At all.” Sullivan steps up behind Andy, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Andy tries to shrug the hand off. “Let go.” She’s furious with him. She doesn’t want him touching her right now.

Sullivan frowns but removes his hand.

Carina looks between the couple, knowing something isn’t right. She wants to ask about it, but it’ll have to wait for another time. She has to figure out what’s happening with Maya right now. Or what’s going to happen to Maya. Carina wonders if her wife just got fired.

“What do you want to do?” Andy asks Maya.

Maya hums. “We’re going down there.”

“Where?” Carina asks.

Andy shakes her head. “No. No, Maya. Don’t. You can’t.”

“I can and I will. I’m going to fight for my captaincy.” She stomps past Andy, leaving Carina standing there.

“Where?” Carina whispers and looks around.

Andy spins on her heels and follows after Maya. “Are you sure about this Maya?”

“I’m sure.”

“Maybe you should wait. It’s the end of the day. Wait until tomorrow.”

Maya walks passed everyone. Dean reaches out and catches her wrist. “Don’t drive.” He mumbles. Maya looks down at her wrist and then up at see who it is that has her stopped in her tracks. “Don’t drive.” Dean says again when Maya’s eyes meet his. “I’ll get a car.”

“Fine.” Maya grumbles and pulls her hand free. She continues her march to the back office to find her phone.

Andy continues after her. “Maya.” She calls out her name. She thinks Maya needs to stop and think and not just react.

Maya gets to her phone, pulling it from a bag, unlocking it, seeing the email. She reads the words herself. Then she reads them again. Her thumb hovers over the reply icon, ready to push it and start typing out a nasty email in reply. Someone comes through the door and Maya looks up. Andy is already standing behind her so it’s Carina standing in the doorway. Maya frowns as she looks at her wife. Her wife. Her poor wife whose day has been ruined. Her wife who looks confused and alarmed. Her wife who Maya can’t just give a damn good day. One single day. That’s all she wanted, for herself, and for Carina. Her eyes shift back to the phone. She pulls it down to her side.

“Let’s go.” She mumbles. She goes to the door, trying to slip passed Carina, but Carina stops her.

“Where do you want to go? This is our wedding reception.” Carina says quietly.

And Maya’s heart tears in half. One half is Carina and the other half her career. Carina is asking her not to leave their wedding, not to go anywhere. She ducks her head, unable to look at Carina. “I need to go talk to the chief.”

Andy watches the two, waiting for a confrontation, an argument, and the fallout.

“Now?” Carina asks softly.

Maya nods.

Carina wrinkles her nose. “Maya, look at me.”

Maya looks up into Carina’s eyes. Carina studies her for a moment and then nods, allowing Maya to go. Maya nods, knowing that Carina understands on some level. The blonde glances over at Andy. “Ready?”

“Oh.” Apparently, Maya wants Andy to go with. “Yeah.” She doesn’t give it a second thought.

Maya moves to let Andy exit first. Andy does and starts to walk to the door, before she gets out of earshot, she hears what Maya says to Carina. It’s not what she expected. She also expected them to argue about Maya running off right now, but that didn’t happen.

“Are you coming?” Maya holds her hand out; a pleading look on her face.

Carina takes a deep breath, expelling it dramatically. “Let’s go.” She takes Maya’s hand and they march out of their wedding reception into an awaiting car.

The drive over is in silence. Anxious silence. Maya tries to think of what she’s going to say. Andy thinks about how this could backfire. She knows the chief isn’t going to like being confronted about his decision. And Carina hopes that their wedding day isn’t a total loss after this.

Maya knows exactly where she is going. She leads the way. There are a few people around, but Maya doesn’t stop to say anything to them on her way to the chief’s office. She doesn’t even acknowledge the people they pass as they give the three of them weird looks.

Carina waves at a few people as they pass, noting their expressions, but she focuses on keeping up with Maya.

Maya pushes the door open. No knock. Just enters. Carina and Andy file in after her.

There’s Chief McCallister’s shock at how they are dressed. And then there’s Maya ranting and opening her mouth and saying things about sexism. The chief tells her exactly why she was ‘suspended’. For insubordination and breaking protocols.

Then there’s Andy; bringing up her father and the chief really has had it with theses women. He doesn’t appreciate being ambushed like this. He doesn’t like that they’re here screaming about sexism and how male fire captains within Seattle’s Fire Department have gotten away with insubordination for years or decade and none of them were stripped of their jobs, their captaincy, their rank. But the chief lets them rant.

Maya says she’s not going to accept her demotion, and that her team won’t either.

The chief nods. If that’s how Maya wants to do this, then he’s not going to back down either. “Okay.” He folds his arms over his chest and leans against his desk. “You can keep nineteen, Bishop. Herrera, I’m reassigning you to twenty-three, effective immediately.”

“What?” Andy turns around. This is ridiculous. She can’t believe he’s doing this. But she knows not to argue with him, otherwise, she could be reprimanded further.

“Bishop, if your entire team is incapable of respecting the chain of command, then they need to be reminded about how this department works.” McCallister challenges.

Andy turns to Carina, trying to hold her tongue.

“I will have all of them reassigned within a week.” He threatens.

“Sir.” Maya won’t stand for that. He can’t dismantle her entire team.

“Or, you can step down and I’ll appoint a new captain pending completion of the investigation surrounding your insubordination and protocol defiance.” He lays it all out in front of Maya.

Carina’s head is spinning. She’s not exactly sure what is happening. She tries to calm and comfort Andy though, as Andy steps back and forth trying to keep it together.

Maya gaps at him. She can’t believe it. This is worse than just being relieved of her duties until an investigation can be done.

“And just for the record, I’m glad that kid lived. But if he had died, on your engine, the lawsuit could’ve put the whole station out of business.” McCallister adds.

Maya hadn’t really thought about that part of it. She knows the risk was there. She knows there could’ve been a lawsuit if things had gone sideways. But to close the station down. She didn’t think about that part of it.

The chief waits for Maya’s decision, rather impatiently. He needs one now. This isn’t a situation of let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.

Carina glares at the man for her wife. She knows Maya can’t. She’s not exactly sure what’s happening, but it sounds like no matter what the outcome, it isn’t good. She keeps quiet even though she wants to tell Maya her input.

“I’ll step down pending investigation, sir.” Maya utters the words, knowing she doesn’t have another choice. It’s her or her whole team.

Andy can’t believe Maya just rolled over like that.

“Good call.” McCallister tells her. “Congratulations on your nuptials.” He throws in as an afterthought.

Maya turns and Carina tries to take her hand, but she turns back around. She just can’t let this happen without saying something. She tries to vouch for Andy to be captain at nineteen during the investigation, but the chief makes Andy’s transfer to twenty-three final. He also makes a note on Andy always using her father to try to get ahead or get out of trouble.

The trio leaves the office in stunned silence. The ride back to Kaminski’s is quiet at first. Similar to when they rode over, except this time there’s no anxious energy. It’s all disappointment and confusion and anger.

“Maya, are you-“

Maya looks over at Carina and shakes her head. “Later. Okay?”

Carina takes a deep breath and nods.

Maya reaches over and wraps her hand around the inside of Carina’s right knee. Carina lays her left palm on Maya’s forearm. The car pulls up to the restaurant quicker than Maya would like. She just wants to wrap everything up and get home.

Maya isn’t expecting everyone to still be there. She thought they would all go home, disperse. The party’s over. Except, when she steps in the door everyone is still sitting there. Everyone looks in Maya’s direction as she enters, clearly, they had been waiting to find out what happened with the chief.

“It was a misguided decision-“ She clasps her hands together, to occupy them, so they aren’t swinging around angrily. “-to storm the chief’s office.” Carina and Andy come in slowly behind her as she tells her team the bad news. She turns to Carina. “So, yeah.”

“Yeah.” Carina says in agreement.

“But that-“ She turns back to her team. She gets the remote for the speaker system and turns the music back on. “-does not mean he gets to steal our joy.” Maya just wants to forget what just happened with the chief and get back to the dancing. Especially since everyone is still here. If they had got back and only found Sullivan that would have been better for Maya. Now she puts on a happy face and continues the party.

She reaches for Carina as their guests get up to dance. Even without a command as captain, her team will do as she says. So, she dances next to Carina and her friends, her family.

It doesn’t last long though. After a few songs, Ben and Miranda come over to Maya and let her know that they are heading home and to have a good night.

Dean comes over after that. He tells both Maya and Carina that he’s arranged rides for everyone and that they will be arriving soon. Maya wonders if this was something that everyone discussed while she and Andy and Carina were gone or if Dean took it upon himself. “Okay, Dean. Thank you so much.”

“Not a problem, Maya. I’m happy too.” He gives her a tight-lipped smile.

Slowly, the crowd disperses until it’s just Dean and Maya’s mother, and Vic’s parents.

Maya swallows the last of her bourbon. She had been drinking wine and water during the reception. One glass of champagne at the beginning of dinner but nothing hard. That was, until they got back. This is her second splash of bourbon in the last hour. It makes the rough edges surrounding everything a little softer.

When someone puts a hand on her shoulder, Maya jumps.

“Sorry, sweetie.”

“It’s alright mom.” Maya turns to her mother. “I just didn’t know you were there.”

Katherine nods. “I’m going to head out now. Are you alright?”

Maya knows she isn’t. “I’m all good.” She tries to smile, but it’s nothing but fake.

“Where’d Carina go?” Katherine doesn’t comment on Maya’s fake happiness.

“The bathroom, I think.”

Carina peeks out then. Katherine sees her and waves and Carina comes over to them. “Are you departing?”

Katherine nods. “I just wanted to check in with both of you. And wanted to thank you for having me here today and for your offer. I will call you the day after tomorrow with my decision.” Maya nods, her brain just again reminding her that her mother has her own crisis going on. She had completely forgotten about that.

“Have a good remainder of your evening.” Maya says on autopilot.

“Ready?” Dean comes up to the three of them. Maya gives him a questioning look. “I’ve offered to bring your mom over to her hotel, get her checked in, and to her room.”

“Dio mio, sei un uomo meraviglioso.” Carina steps forward and wraps Dean in her arms as best as she can.

“Thanks, Dean.” Maya looks around the room. It’s slightly eerie to her now that it’s nearly empty. Like when they roll up to a fire at a kid’s birthday party, or a Christmas party, or some kind of party, and everyone has evacuated. There is evidence that fun and happiness had been had, but now all she sees is the sadness that the fire and rush to end the party caused.

“Grazie mille.” Carina says as she takes a step back.

“Goodnight, girls.” Katherine nods at them.

“Night, mom.”

“Ciao, mamma Bishop.”

Dean escorts Katherine out and then it’s just Carina and Maya and Vic’s parents who are cleaning up in the kitchen.

Carina turns to Maya. “So?”

Maya heaves a big sigh. The music still plays in the background. Maya thinks she should probably turn it off. They should probably start cleaning up all the decorations and everything, even though Vic said it could wait until tomorrow. But Maya wants to do something to stay busy so she goes over to one of the tables and starts collecting the table centerpiece and table decorations.

Carina sighs and watches her wife for a minute before going over and putting a hand on her back. She knows what Maya is doing. “Bambina.” She whispers. The hand not on Maya’s back reaches for Maya’s hands, telling her to put the decorations down, to stop.

Maya sighs, her shoulders slumping, and Carina is able to turn her and pull her away from the table. Carina moves them a few steps away from the table and pulls Maya into her arms. “Dance with me, bambina.”

Maya shakes her head. She doesn’t want to dance.

“Just one more. Then we’ll go home.”

Maya sets her hands on Carina’s waist, giving in to ‘just one more’.

Carina starts swaying and Maya follows. She reaches up, cupping Maya’s face in her hands, brushing her hair back, tucking some of her hair behind her ears. Maya has her eyes closed and won’t look at her. Carina knows why. She knows that if Maya does. If she allows herself to look at Carina, that she’ll break down and Maya is avoiding that at all costs. So, Carina rests her forehead against Maya’s, holding her close. She pulls back when Maya squeezes her waist. Maya tips her head back, opening her sad blue eyes. They trade looks for a moment and then Carina nods, letting Maya know that it’s okay to break down, that she’s got her, that she’s not going to let go. Not now, not ever.

Maya shakes her head and looks up at the ceiling. Carina, her wife, holding her and keeping her close on their wedding night. On the night that is supposed to be filled with happiness and joy and then sexiness. But right now, Maya feels anything but those three things. She lays her head against Carina’s bare shoulder as Carina cradles her head and pets her hair gently. She wraps her arms around Carina more, holding her tighter, holding on desperately, holding onto any part of her. Holding onto something solid, something real, something tangible because everything other than Carina doesn’t feel real or possible right now.

The song finishes and they stand there together for a few more moments before Maya’s lifts her head and looks into Carina’s warm brown eyes. “Take me home.” She whispers, her jaw trembling.

Notes:

I had the first half written and ready to go and i just had to finish the second half of this. but then i watched last thursday's episode and all i could think about was that when i was writing the stuff with McCallister. That's my biggest gripe (how the show 'handled' the investigation. i still feel like it was something they forget had to happen and now they are covering their tracks by saying McCallister just never did an investigation and then retired suddenly. anyway...)

Chapter 44

Notes:

Thanks for the comments and kudos and for reading.
This is kind of sad. Not gonna lie. But I think there are some really nice, tender, loving moments too.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

They get home and Maya pulls her heels off as soon as she’s in the door, leaving them there to deal with another time. She can’t be bothered to organize them or put them away right now.

Carina goes into the kitchen and gets two glasses of water, bringing one over to Maya. “Here, bambina. Drink.”

Maya eyes the water and then Carina. Carina tilts her head to the side and nods. Maya takes the glass with a huff and downs the whole thing. Carina smirks a little at Maya proving her point. Maya hands her back the empty glass and slips past Carina into the bedroom.

Carina’s not sure what kind of mood Maya is going to be in. She knows sad but other than that she’s not sure. She expects there to be anger at some point, whether that’s tonight or not, she doesn’t know. She sets the empty glass on the table and follows Maya into the bedroom.

She shakes her head when she enters. Maya is reaching around trying to get to the zipper on the back of her dress, but it’s sticking. She’s got it started but can’t get the zipper any further. “Let me.” Carina whispers.

Maya stops and turns around to look at Carina. She watches Carina walk towards her. She watches as she slips by her; fingertips brushing against her stomach as she moves. She watches as she sets her glass of water on the nightstand. And then as she comes back. The movement of Carina’s index finger as she twirls it in a little circle.

“Girati bella ragazza.”

Maya sighs. Carina always gets her with the Italian. She spins around, baring her back to Carina. She feels the delicate fingers grip at the zipper and then it is being pulled down. Maya sighs as the fabric loosens.

“How’d you get in this thing?” Carina asks in awe as her hands caress Maya’s hips over the skintight fabric.

Maya comes close to a chuckle but not quiet. “There’s a clasp at my neck.”

Carina sweeps Maya’s hair out of the way, and she sees it. Instead of undoing it, she moves around Maya so she’s in front of her. Arms then come up and reach for the clasp, unfastening it, letting the fabric fall. She puts her right hand on the back of Maya’s head, giving it a light scratch. Maya closes her eyes at the contact.

Carina’s left hand finds Maya’s hip as she surveys Maya’s face. The blonde is tense, her jaw clamped shut, her forehead wrinkled a bit, nostrils flared like she is holding something in. Carina knows she’s holding something or lots of something’s in. She shifts, taking a step back, looking at more of Maya now that she can see her. The top part of the blonde’s dress is flopped down revealing her boobs.

“So, that’s how you got these kitties in that dress?” Carina smirks, cupping Maya’s breast, running her thumbs over the pasties that cover Maya’s nipples.

She opens her eyes, sighing at Carina’s hands on her. “Puppies.” Maya shakes her head, looking down. She points at her crotch. “The kitty is down here.”

Carina grins. “I know, bella, I know. I’m just goofing you.”

Maya only hums in return.

Carina turns around, pointing over her shoulder at her back. Maya nods and pulls down the zipper on Carina’s jumpsuit. The brunette steps out of her outfit and turns to Maya. “I’m going to wash my face.” She runs her fingertips across Maya’s collarbone as she steps passed her.

Carina sighs as she looks into the bathroom mirror. She thinks about the day and Maya and what happened with the chief. She wants to talk with Maya about it, but knows that Maya probably doesn’t want to talk about it. She thinks about what she can do instead. What she can do to help the situation.

Maya then, wordlessly, goes into the bathroom when Carina is finished, having taken her dress off. She comes back and Carina is sitting on the end of the bed waiting for her. Carina tucks her finger into the front of the tiny white thong that Maya is wearing. “You were very beautiful today.” Carina whispers.

Maya hums and shakes her head. “I’m not in the mood.”

“I know.” Carina chuckles a bit. “I’m not trying to sex you right now.”

“Sex me?” Maya raises an eyebrow.

“Si.” Carina grins. “I just need you to know how beautiful you are, and were, today. Your dress was amazing. Your hair and makeup.” She reaches up with her other hand, putting it on Maya’s cheek. “Now you’re turn.” She smirks.

Maya looks down at the strapless bra that Carina is still wearing. “You are always beautiful, today was no exception. Your suit was very-“ Maya looks across the room at it, where it lays on the chair. “-perfect.”

Carina is more than satisfied with that. “I know you’re not in the mood but can I, at least, have a kiss.”

Maya smiles softly. “Of course.”

They meet for a soft slow kiss, relaxing in the easy feeling of the other’s lips.

“It’s alright tonight. I’ll let you fuck me tomorrow.”

Maya stares at her with her mouth hanging open. “You’ll let me?”

Carina nods with a grin.

Maya rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She holds out her hands, palms up. Carina puts her hands in Maya’s. Maya tugs, lifting Carina from the end of the bed. They move over to the side and Maya puts a knee on the mattress first, crawling into bed as she throws the blankets back at the same time. She lays on her side and waits for Carina.

Carina takes her strapless bra off before getting into bed, knowing that Maya is watching her every move. She lays down facing Maya, brushing Maya’s hair away from her face, tucking her fingers behind Maya’s ear. “I love you.” She whispers wanting Maya to know. She knows Maya knows, but just as a reminded. A reminder that no matter what happens she will love Maya.

“Come here.” Maya tries to wrap her arm around Carina and pull her closer, but Carina holds her hand out, pressing it against Maya’s stomach. She questions Carina with a wrinkle of her brow.

Carina slips her hand up Maya’s side, over her ribs, cupping her breast. “Let’s take these off.”

Maya looks down at the pasties covering her nipples. She forgot they were there. “Oh.”

“May I?” Carina’s fingers dance on the side of Maya’s boob.

Maya closes her eyes. “Y-yeah.” She sighs.

Carina works diligently to free the nipples. She kisses Maya’s cheek when she is done. She wants to do so much more than just kiss Maya’s cheek. She wants so much more than to use careful fingers across supple breasts. But Carina restrains herself and wraps her arm around Maya, finally giving Maya what she wanted earlier. To be held.

Carina wants to talk about the day. About their wedding. About the surprises. About the lack of vows. About the interruption towards the end. “Do you want to talk about today?”

Maya shakes her head, rubbing her cheek against the pillow.

Carina presses a kiss to her forward. “Can I just say something?”

“You can say whatever you would like.” She’s not trying to censor Carina in any way.

“Today was wonderful. And it was perfect up until that email. I want you to know that today isn’t a total loss in my opinion.” Carina tells her softly.

Maya groans. She feels like it’s such a loss. Like she lost so much. But then she’s got Carina wrapped around her right now and she feels like she won with that. And maybe the loss and the win even out?

“Thank you. You shouldn’t have had to put up with all the crap that happened today.”

“I shouldn’t?” Carina leans back to look into Maya’s eyes.

Maya shakes her head. “No, you shouldn’t.”

Carina smirks like she has a big secret that she’s about to clue Maya in on. “Well, whether I shouldn’t or not- that’s what I signed up for. Si? What’s all that traditional crap- in sickness and in healthy, for better or for worse.”

“Vows.” Maya sighs. She messed that up too today. She had something planned for vows. She forgot to write them down, and finalize them, and perfect them, and memorize them, but she had a general idea of what she wanted to say.

“Carina, my love, what I have discovered with you, I didn’t know that existed. I didn’t know a person could feel this way. I didn’t know I could love another person so much. I didn’t know that I could love myself. You have shown me so many things about myself, and about life, and about love. And I hope that I have, at the very least, been able to show you at least something in return. What we have is real, and true, and honest, and something that I never could have imagined for myself. You are the most wonderful, beautiful, all around amazing person I’ve ever met. I hope to be able to always give you the love that you give to me. It’s not perfect, but it’s ours. It’s our love. It’s our story. And I want to keep adding chapters to that story all my life. I love you and I choose you. Forever.”

“Maya.” She breaths out the name. She cradles Maya’s head in her hand, resting her forehead against the blonde’s. “Can I tell you mine?” Maya nods against her.

“Maya Bishop. Captain Maya Bishop. How you introduced yourself when we first met. I was impressed just by the title. But then I got to know you, I got to see you, and I was even more impressed and blown away. And we spent so much time in bed at first. Which I was fine with me because what’s a little fun among friends but that changed for me quicker than I expected. I fell in love with you, hard. So hard. And there was no separating friends and lovers anymore. I didn’t tell you because I could see you were scared, and you were dealing with so much. But I loved you. I love you. I’ll always love you. Nothing will ever change that. And the love and care you have for me is something I’ve never gotten before. I will cherish it everyday of the rest of my life, our life together. Me and you, bambina. Me and you.”

Maya breaths out a long breath. “Were you really going to say all that at the wedding?”

“I was going to speak from the heart. I had nothing prepared or planned. So, technically I don’t know what exact words would have come from my lips.” Carina smiles a little.

“Oh, okay.” Maya grips at Carina’s back, holding her tighter. “No more talking.” She’s done, absolutely spent.

Except, Maya can’t sleep. So, an hour or so after Carina falls asleep, she gets out of bed, taking her pillow with her, and goes to lay on the couch. She pulls the couch blanket over her legs and stares up at the ceiling through the dark. She feels so exhausted and so restless all at the same time. All she can think about is the chief and how she lost her job. Her rank as captain. It’s like it just disappeared into thin air.

Maya wonders if it was all a dream. A, too good to be true, dream that she’s been living and that she’s going to wake up tomorrow and it will all be gone. She’ll be sat in her parent’s house after returning from the London Olympics as her brother packs his things and leaves. And she doesn’t do anything to stop him because he told her not to and because she feels extremely guilty for the situation that Mason is in. Her apartment will be gone. Her career as a firefighter gone, let alone her role as captain. Andy and Vic and Travis, her whole team, gone. Her wife, Carina, gone. It’s a lonely feeling that she has in the darkness tonight.

And for the first time in a long time, she thinks about those clouds. About how soft they are. How nice they would feel if she could just reach out and touch them or lay on them. How nice it would feel to be free from all the crap in her life. To not have to face it or deal with it. So, for a little while she thinks about the clouds and how death could release her from her problems. Except…

The minutes tick by and then the hours. Maya knows she should be in bed. She knows she could be. But she can’t bother Carina. The woman should, at least, be able to get a peaceful night of sleep on her wedding night without Maya tossing and turning next to her.

She wants to run. That’s where the restlessness comes from. Maya’s legs want to run. She wants to get up, and put a pair of running shoes on, and go run for hours through the darkness and the streets of Seattle. But Maya stays put on the couch. She curls onto her side, her spine pressing against the back of the couch.

She hears Carina before she sees her. She hears her wife get out of bed. She hears her go to the bathroom. And she hears when the door opens and her bare feet pad across the apartment floor in her direction.

Carina squats in front of the couch. She puts a hand on Maya’s arm. Her eyes finding Maya’s as soon as she’s down on her level. Maya stares at her with sad eyes. “What are you doing out here?”

“I didn’t want to disturb you.” Maya tells her weakly.

“Have you slept at all?” Carina runs her hand over the side of Maya’s head, over her hair. The shake of Maya’s head is so small that, if Carina blinked, she would have missed it. “Okay.” Carina stands up and Maya wonders for a moment if that’s going to be it. Carina didn’t ask any other questions. Carina didn’t push her to say something she wasn’t ready for. It’s not very Carina-like. But then Carina is turning and sitting. “Scoot back, bella.” Maya tries to sit up as Carina sits between where her knees are and her elbows lay on the couch cushions. Carina puts a hand on Maya’s arm, guiding her to lay back down gently. Maya looks up at her with questioning eyes. “Scoot back.” Carina whispers and then moves to lay down in front of Maya. She settles and then reaches for Maya’s hand. “Now, put your arm around me.”

Maya lets herself be guided by Carina until they are laying on their sides with Maya curled around Carina from behind.

“What do you want to do now?” Carina asks.

“What do you mean?” Maya rubs her nose in Carina’s hair, taking in her unique scent.

“Right now. If you could do one thing, what would it be?”

A few options flash through Maya’s mind. Talk to the chief. Though, that didn’t work the first time. Go to the station, to her office. Or her former office. She suddenly thinks about getting up and going to clean out her office. Her legs move, shifting.

“I want to run.” She whispers.

Carina tenses at the words.

“Physically. I want to run.” Maya explains. “I want to go down to the firehouse.” She sighs. “I’m sorry.” Maya places a kiss to Carina’s head. “This isn’t how it should be. Today. Tonight. I’m sorry I can’t be happy. I’m sorry I can’t make you happy.”

Tears spring to Carina’s eyes. She gets up. Maya lets her go. She knows she blew it tonight, but there’s just so much going on that she can’t even fake being happy around Carina. They should have come home and got into bed and made sweet, sweet post-wedding love, but that didn’t happen.

She watches Carina for a moment as she just stands there. Maya thought she would just leave, go back to the bed, and leave her there until morning. That’s what Maya wants. To be left alone. That’s why she came out to the couch. To be alone. Alone with her thoughts. Alone with her feelings. In addition to not disturbing Carina, of course.

Carina watches Maya, her head tilted to the side slightly. She licks her lips, makes a decision, and kneels on the floor with one knee. She lifts Maya’s top arm and wiggles herself between Maya’s arms.

“What are you doing?” Maya wonders, though, she doesn’t stop Carina’s movements.

Carina doesn’t say anything though. She moves her legs until she has one knee between Maya’s knees. She cuddles into Maya’s chest, wrapping her arm around Maya’s back, holding onto her tightly. “I won’t stop you. If you want to go.” Carina sniffles, trying not to cry. “But hold onto me for a while before you do.”

Maya wraps herself tighter around Carina, holding on as tight as she can, trying to usher away Carina’s sadness. “I won’t.” Carina shakes her head against Maya’s collarbone. “I won’t go. I can’t do that. I won’t do that to you.” They both know what Maya is referring to. They both are thinking the same thing; thinking about how Maya ran to the station after their fight about her dad.

“That was my place.” Maya confesses. “The station. It was my place. My safe place. I started my career there and I spent so much of my time there. That was my whole life for the longest time. It was where I was most comfortable. It was where I felt safest. For the longest time. So, when something would happen outside of work, I would go to the fire station, and I would be there. I would work out in the gym or, I would stack firehoses, or I would wash and polish the trucks. It’s how I got to know that station up and down, and inside and out. I spent so much of my time there. When anything bad happened or something wasn’t going my way; I went to the station and I felt safe, protected, comfortable, around my people. They’d always think it was weird that I spent my off time there, but I needed to be there, so I didn’t do something stupid, something to destroy my life. I had to keep busy.”

Carina nods. It makes sense. It’s such a Maya thing to do.

“So, when we fought about my dad. I went there. There was so much else going on, but that was where I ended up, out of habit, and felt like I needed to be. I want to go there now, but not for those reasons. I want to run to do something with my body and this restlessness that I feel. I want to go to the station because I will have to clean out my office at some point. The cover of darkness, tonight, before word spreads of my firing, feels like the perfect time to me. But I won’t. I won’t go there now. I won’t run. Even though I want to.”

Maya takes a deep breath before the next part. “Because I need to be here. With you. And as much as I didn’t want to disturb your sleep and be in bed with you tonight this is my safe place now. You, our bed, our bedroom. That’s where I feel safest now.”

“Maya?” Carina raises her head and looks up at Maya.

“It’s complicated.” She has a pinched, pained look on her face.

“That doesn’t sound complicated at all.”

“What?” Maya shakes her head. “Really?”

Carina nods. “I get it.”

“Oh. Yeah?”

Carina nods. “Yeah.”

Maya hums. Carina has always understood her and what she was trying to say better than anyone else.

“Can I coax you back to bed now?” She reaches up and scratches her fingernails against the back of Maya’s head.

“You should go. You should sleep. I’ll stay here. I know I won’t sleep at all tonight.” Maya tries to get Carina to go back to sleep. She doesn’t need to be awake for no reason.

“Then I’ll stay here too.” Carina lays her head back down on Maya’s pillow. Maya opens her mouth to protest; but Carina kisses her so she doesn’t say anything. “I’m staying where you are.”

Maya sighs. Everything might be crap, but she has Carina. And Carina’s not going to let her implode on herself. “I fucking love you so much.”

Carina giggles a little. “I also love you so fucking much.”

“I like when you swear in English. It’s cute.” Maya manages a tiny smile.

Carina grins. “I know you do.”

“I’m sorry our wedding night was so shit.” Maya sighs.

“I’m sorry it was shit too.” Carina nuzzles her nose against Maya’s before kissing her. “But we’ll make up for it.”

“Oh?”

Carina nods. “Yeah. It’s not perfect but I got to marry you. That’s the part that really mattered.”

Maya closes her eyes. “It is.”

“Bambina, lets go back to bed. You’re going to have a kink in your neck or back in the morning and I don’t want that.” Carina pleads.

“Okay.” Maya isn’t going to argue with that. “You know just how to take care of me.” She’s beyond grateful for the woman in her arms.

“Si, bambina.” Carina untangles herself from Maya and shuffles off of the couch, holding her hand out to help Maya up. “I will take care of you every day until we are old and wrinkly and grey.”

Maya chuckles a little at that.

“There’s that brilliant smile that I love so much.” Carina grins at her wife.

Maya grins bashfully, Carina’s smile making her smile, as Carina tugs her along to the bedroom.


Carina wakes up in the morning. The bed is empty. She’s not surprised by that at all. Disappointed, yes. Surprised, no.

She goes out into the kitchen. The smell of coffee enticing her. She rubs the sleep from her eyes. Carina doesn’t see Maya anywhere in their apartment. She does find a note on the little island, though.

I ran went to the store. I’ll be back shortly.

Carina smiles at the little note and works on getting a cup of coffee for herself.

She’s sitting in one of the chairs in the living room, her feet tucked up underneath herself, when Maya comes through the door.

Maya sets the four bags of food on the floor and lets out a groan, shaking out the pain her hands from the weight of the bags.

“Are you planning on feeding a navy?” Carina smiles.

Maya whips around to face Carina. “You’re awake.” She looks back at the groceries on the floor. “Sorry, I wanted to get back before you woke up. But, uh, I didn’t make it.” She rubs her hand against the back of her neck and looks back to Carina.

“But, you left a note.” Carina reminds Maya just how thoughtful she was, even if she didn’t get back before she awoke.

Maya shrugs. “Just in case.” She’s a bit frazzled. Lack of sleep is a factor, but so is the situation with her job, and the situation with her mother. “I’ll put all this away.” She turns back to the groceries and brings them into the kitchen.

Carina gets up from her chair as Maya starts pulling items from the bags, and organizing them, and putting them where they belong in the kitchen. She goes over and stands on Maya’s left side, placing her right hand on Maya’s right hip. “What is all this for, bella?” It’s an innocent question. They weren’t in desperate need of groceries.

Maya nods. “Us.” She breathes out shakily.

“When are we going to eat all of this?”

Maya shrugs and then sighs; her shoulders sinking as she deflates.

“This is weeks’ worth of food.” Carina isn’t accusing her of anything. She just wants to point it out, in case Maya hadn’t realized.

“I’m sorry.” Maya mumbles. She knows some of the fresh food that she bought might go bad before they can eat it. “I’ll freeze some of this.”

“Okay. I do have one question though.” She looks over at Maya’s profile. “Why?”

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know, Carina. I just thought- I don’t know what I thought. I thought since I’m suspended, or fired, or whatever I’ll have time to be at home and I’ll need to eat; and I can cook for you.”

Carina hums. “That’s very kind of you, Maya. But do you not expect to go back to work?”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I stepped down, but I don’t know what that means. Am I suspended until the investigation is done and, thus, can’t go to work? How long is that going to be? Am I suspended for a period of time and then can go back to work, even if the investigation isn’t over? When I do go back to work, is it as a lieutenant, a firefighter, a probie? I don’t know. I have to wait to see what the chief says. And you know how well I do with waiting.” Maya gestures at the groceries. “So food.”

Carina smiles softly. She squeezes Maya’s hip. “Patience is not your- how do you say-“ She can’t recall the word.

“Forte. It’s not.” Maya agrees. “So-“ She waves her hands at the food on the counter again. “-I bought all this. I’m taking a page out of your playbook.”

Carina expected anger, or denial, or demanding of answers from Maya but not this.

After breakfast, Carina asks Maya if she wants to go down to the station. She says she’ll go with if that’s what Maya wants.

They go down. C shift is on right now. Maya says hello to some of the crew as they walk in. A few of them congratulate Maya and Carina on getting married.

“I thought you were off for a few days, Cap?” One of them asks.

Maya was going to take two days off after the wedding to spend with Carina before both of them had to go back to work.

“Just stopping by for a bit.” She raises her joined hand with Carina. “Had to show off my new wife.” She jokes and pulls Carina along, not interested in small talk, or any talk for that matter.

Maya sits heavily in her desk chair. Carina comes around to the back of the desk and leans against it, facing Maya, she puts a hand on her wife’s shoulder. “What do you want to do?”

Maya wants to run, still. But she knows that what she’s going through is nothing compared to what some people are going through on a daily basis. It could be so much worse. She’s got her friends and her wife. Her amazing, kind, caring wife who deserves all the love and happiness in the world. Instead, they are in Maya’s office cleaning it out on the morning after they got married. They should be indulging. They should be holed up somewhere without any clothes on in a sex haze. They should be on a honeymoon.

Maya thinks of all the things she wanted to do with Carina at the station while she was in charge. Like cooking a big Italian feast. They haven’t done so yet because of Covid and everything else but she wanted to invite the community, show off her wife. There was sliding down the firepole, in secret, of course. Sex in the captain’s bunk. She knows she tainted that at some point but maybe one day it could’ve happened. Or going up to the roof at night to see the city lights.

None of those things can happen now.

“Jack’s going to be in charge now.” She scoffs. “At least on an interim basis.” Maya wonders if anyone knows that Andy got transferred. As far as she knows, Andy didn’t mention it at all last night after they got back to Kaminski’s. She looks at the hand on her shoulder. She reaches up and squeezes it. “I’ll be right back.” She stands and goes to the storage room to retrieve a box before coming back.

She starts to pack up all her things as Carina sits in the captain’s chair. Carina watches as Maya moves about the room. She thinks about saying something but doesn’t and lets Maya do her thing.

Maya sighs and hangs her head when she comes to it.

“What’s wrong, bella?”

Maya doesn’t feel beautiful or pretty or whatever other adjective Carina wants to throw at her. She spins around holding the box with her medal in her hands. It hasn’t felt the same as it used to. The medal. It used to fill her with tremendous pride but since she’s dug into her relationship with her father it feels different.

“Ah.” Carina nods. “Bring it here?”

Maya and the gold medal cross the room. She hands it over to Carina. She watches as Carina runs a finger over the cold metal, a fond smile on the Italian’s lips.

“I’ll have to put it in my new bunk. If I have a new bunk.” Maya looks over to the captain’s bunk.

Carina looks up from the box in her hands and sees Maya looking across the room “You could bring it home.”

Maya slowly turns her head back to look at Carina. She’s not sure if she likes the idea of having the medal in their apartment. Something doesn’t feel right about it. Logically, that’s probably where it belongs, but Maya doesn’t know if she could have it on display in their apartment. As a reminder of her fall from grace. Where she once was on top of the world, proudly the captain of the station and Olympic gold medalist; she doesn’t feel proud to display it anymore. All she was going to do is tuck it away in its box and hide it under her bunk in the bunk room. So she could do that at home too.

“Okay.” She pulls her lips to one side. “Put it in the box.” Maya moves over to the bunk and starts collecting her things. The clothes she has in the locker. The picture of her and Carina on the desk. Her pens and notebooks and clipboard. She gathers everything up in the office and shoves it in a box and they leave.

She closes the door with another sigh. It’ll be weird the next time, if it happens, that she steps in this room.

Carina drives them over to Kaminski’s. They have to clean up from the wedding, since they didn’t do it last night. The pair walk through the door and see Vic and Travis are there and have already started.

“I thought you two would be at home right now nursing hangovers.” Maya smirks.

“Maya.” Travis holds out his arms. He walks across the room and wraps Maya in a tight hug. “How was the wedding night?” He winks as she pulls out of the hug and moves to hug Carina just as enthusiastically.

Maya looks over at Carina, wanting her to answer, shoving her hands in her pockets.

“Oh.” Carina tries to think of the best thing to say. “We had a-“

“Travis, leave them alone.” Vic scolds him. “And get back over here to help me.”

“You can tell me all the sexy details another time.” He grins at Carina.

Carina nods and hums. Maya wonders if Travis has forgotten about what happened yesterday afternoon or if he didn’t and just assumed their wedding night carried on as if nothing happened.

Travis tips his head to the side. “I’ll have you know that I wasn’t drunk last night.” He heads back over to Vic.

Vic scoffs.

“Okay, maybe at one point I was, but-“ He waves his hand around, not wanting to bring up Maya’s demotion. “I sobered up after that. Had plenty of water.”

Maya gives him a tight lipped smile. She goes over and helps Travis take down the strings of lights that are hanging above the restaurant set up. Carina goes around to the tables and collects all the table decorations.

“Before you guys leave, my parents have the left over cake for you.” Vic tells the newlyweds.

“Si, grazie, Victoria.” Carina smiles. They’ll have to take it home and freeze a few pieces. Maya said they had to do that.

They get back home and Maya is still seeming sad but calm. Carina is starting to get agitated about that. She expected Maya to lash out or yell or scream or something but this weird calm from the blonde is kind of scary for Carina.

She tries to ask Maya about it.

“It’s fine, Carina.” Maya says in a monotone as she puts the cake in the fridge and two pieces in the freezer.

“No, Maya. It’s not. It’s not fine.” Carina throws her hands in the air and growls. “Fine? Fine? Nothing is fine.”

Maya turns around and furrows her brow at her wife. Carina is standing over by the table, hands on her hips, frustration on her face. “Okay, it’s not fine then.” Maya tries.

“It’s not fine. And it’s not fair.” Carina says and smashes one fist into the palm on the other hand. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” She yells across the room.

Maya doesn’t say anything, but she knows she did. She broke protocol.

“You saved a kid’s life and you’re being fired for that.” Carina throws her hands in the air.

“We don’t know if I was fired or just demoted yet. There’s still an investigation.” Maya reminds.

Carina stops, looks over at Maya, and then starts pacing the apartment. “We don’t know. We don’t know.” She waves a hand at Maya. “You don’t know. When are you going to know?”

“It’s Saturday. So probably Monday. Or maybe Tuesday.” Maya shrugs, keeping her level even, calm. There’s nothing she can do until she knows.

Carina scoffs, sticking her nose up in the air. Her pacing continues. “You saved a kid’s life. You should get an award for that. Something. Some sort of recognition. Not fired.” She throws a look in Maya’s direction as she stomps around the dining room table.

Maya hopes their downstairs neighbors aren’t home. After this, she’ll have to go down and see if they are and apologize for all the noise.

“Or demoted. Or reprimanded. If somebody dies, I don’t get fired. The kid lived and you’re being fired.”

“You don’t understand.” Maya tries.

Carina whips around at that. She points a finger to her chest. Jabbing at it repeatedly. “I don’t understand?” She bends at the waist, leaning forward. “I don’t? He doesn’t.” She points out to the side, away from her body. “The chief doesn’t understand.”

Maya knows now it was the wrong thing to say. “Carina, can you just calm down?”

Carina’s eyes go wide. She doesn’t say anything and starts pacing again.

The blonde watches her for a moment, trying to decipher Carina’s path, trying to figure out when to step in, or if she should.

Carina’s path deviates and Maya stands at the sink with arms folded loosely at her chest. She watches Carina, studying her. She’s only seen this behavior displayed one other time. When Andrew died and Carina paced back and forth her hand waving wildly in the air.

“You’ve done everything for that station, for that department, and this is how they treat you. You should be the captain. Who are they going to have as captain? Some new guy. Somebody from another station. Somebody from a rival station.”

Maya wrinkles up her brow. “There aren’t really rival stations.” They are all part of the Seattle Fire Department. Some stations might be liked more and others liked less and that’s up for discussion; but they aren’t rivals. They are all working together in the end for a common cause, towards a common goal.

“Not the point, Maya.” Carina clicks across the room again. “The point is that this isn’t fair. And yesterday of all days. Now. Whose decision was that? And for what? Cosa?”

Maya loses her when Carina switches to full Italian after that. She rants and raves and expresses her feelings through her pacing and her enthusiastic hand movements and Maya loves her even more for it.

Carina goes around the island again and back to the living room before coming back towards the kitchen. Maya unfolds her arms from her chest and steps out in Carina’s path, blocking it as Carina rounds the island. Maya grabs each of Carina’s upper arms in her hands. “Hey.” She tries to catch Carina’s eyes, but Carina is still looking around the room, trying to pace. “Look at me.” Carina’s eyes snap to Maya’s. “I’m fine.”

Carina tilts her head to the side, taking in Maya’s calm demeanor.

“I’m fine.”

She realizes that Maya is telling the truth. Carina sighs, her rigid posture deflating. “It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not.” Maya agrees.

“They ruined our wedding night.” Carina pouts.

“This is true.” Maya rubs her hands up and down Carina’s arms. “But I got to marry the woman I love. I got to do that. And that’s wonderful and beautiful and amazing. So, no, that part isn’t ruined.”

“But Maya.”

Maya rubs her hands up and down Carina’s arms a second time. Yes, she’s avoiding a real conversation about what happened with the chief, but Maya wants to wait to discuss it with Carina until she knows what’s going to happen with her job. There’s nothing concrete to discuss right now.

“Will you come to the park with me later?” Maya asks quietly.

“To run?” Carina raises an eyebrow.

“No. No running.” Maya sighs. “After dinner, later, to watch the sunset.”

Carina takes a deep breath. “Si.” She nods. “Si, si, si.”

“Okay. Good. Now, what should we do this afternoon? Should I call Emmett and we can look at all the photos he took? He was very excited about that.”

Carina chews on her lip. “Could we?”

Maya knew Carina would want to see them as soon as possible. “Of course, my love.” Maya gives Carina a soft kiss on the lips and goes to set something up with Emmett.

Notes:

-okay so I don’t usually do this (because I don’t like writing what other people want, it’s too restricting usually) but I’m going to ask for any suggestions of things that y’all might want to see and will try to add some of them in. There is 10 months of time to fill ‘between’ season 4 and 5 so any ideas are welcome. I will add that I can’t or won’t guarantee that I will use them all haha. I do have a number of ideas already (no spoiling though). Right now, I’m thinking like one chapter per month sort of thing, though that could change.

Chapter 45

Notes:

-what would Maya’s relationship with her mother be. I assume it’s mostly non-existent to this point. We see Katherine show up at the station in season 3 and now I’m wondering what her circumstances were in getting there. I assume Lane had ultimate control over her and somehow she had figured out how to go see Maya at work. Anyway, other than that we don’t know much about Katherine. But if she did stay with Maya and Carina for a while after the wedding what would that look like. What would her and Maya’s relationship be. I don’t see them as being the warm and happy mother daughter duo that some mothers and daughters are. That’s just not them. What challenges does living together pose? Beside the obvious ones. And how does their past together influence that. It can be not easy for a daughter to live with their mother. I’ve been there. So how does this go exactly. I took a stab at it here in this chapter. Enjoy.

Chapter Text

Two days after the ceremony Katherine calls, as promised. “Maya?”

“Mom, where are you? What have you been doing?” It’s evening and Maya has been anxious all afternoon because her mother hadn’t called yet. And she was worried that the woman went back on her word and wasn’t going to call because she had gone back to Lane.

Carina runs her hands over Maya’s stomach, trying to calm her down.

They’d been sitting on the couch watching a movie. Carina could feel the anxiety rolling off of Maya and suggested they sit down together and watch something, as a distraction. She being the consummate caretaker that she is, made Maya sit between her legs, so she could wrap herself around Maya. Knowing that Maya feels most secure when she’s feeling anxious about something when Carina is near. It took three tries before Maya actually sat down and stayed there, but Carina wasn’t going to push her. She listens now as Maya talks with her mother.

The day started off with Maya sleeping in after being awake for nearly forty-eight hours. And then with lazy love making for the remainder of the morning.

“Hello, dear.” Katherine says first, smiling a little at talking to her daughter. “I’m just in the lobby of the hotel that your friend Dean booked me into. I’ve decided to check out.”

Maya inhales deeply. “Where are you going?” Part of her dreads the answer.

“Well, if it’s not too much of an imposition I would like to take Carina up on her offer.” Katherine is nervous about this, but she has nowhere else to go and she doesn’t want to mooch off of Dean forever, even though he told her that she could stay at the hotel for as long as she wanted.

Maya wrinkles up her face. Her mother didn’t even mention her. Does she not think Maya wants her to stay with them as well? Maya wonders if it came off that way originally or that when they talked to her mom at the wedding that Carina did all the talking because Maya wasn’t on board with the idea. She let’s the thoughts go for now.

“We would love to have you, Katherine.” Carina shouts.

Maya hums. “Did you hear that, mom?”

“I did, dear. So, not to be a burden, but could I have someone come pick me up and bring me to your place. It doesn’t have to be you, if you’re busy. A car service or however that works nowadays.” Katherine is using the hotel phone in the lobby. She has no cell phone. She has no money. Nothing but the clothes on her back.

“Send me the address.” Maya gets to her feet, slipping out of Carina’s grasp.

“Uh-“

Maya thinks about it for a minute, realizing her mother has no way of doing that. “Okay. What hotel are you at? I’ll just look it up.”

Her mother tells her, and Maya repeats it out loud a few times to remember it. She paces back and forth in front of the couch waiting to hang up so she can leave.

Carina tries to catch Maya’s wrist as she passes but misses a couple of time and then gives up.

Maya hangs up the phone after she and her mother exchange a few questions and answers. Her thoughts are spinning a mile a minute. “Okay, I need you to clean the apartment.” She turns to Carina.

Carina tilts her head to the side. “Maya.” She grumbles. Maya is being silly. It’s totally unnecessary to clean the apartment. It’s practically spotless. But she does understand Maya’s distress. “There’s nothing to clean, bambina.”

Maya raises an eyebrow. “Change the sheets on our bed.”

Carina smirks. “Oh, maybe that.”

“And pick up any discarded clothes that are in there.” Maya freaks out a little. What is her mother going to think of her apartment, their apartment. She puts a hand on her forehead. “Oh boy.” She pulls in a shaky breath.

Carina comes over and pulls the hand away, replacing it with her lips. “I will clean up. No worries. You go pick up your mamma.”

Maya wraps her arm around Carina’s waist. “Thank you.” She kisses her cheek, sighing a little as she leans against Carina. Carina is so gentle with her and so understanding. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” She presses her lips everywhere on Carina’s face, making the Italian giggle.

“But do you plan to have your mamma in our bedroom?” She grins.

“God, no.” Maya frowns. “It just needs to be- clean.”

Carian chuckles some more. “Te amo, tanto.”

“I love you, Carina.” Maya sighs. “I gotta go.” She slips away from Carina.

She picks up her mother and then brings her to get tested. She tells Katherine that she’ll have to wear a mask until they get the results, but that it shouldn’t be too long because they used the testing procedure that they use at the station every day.

The drive back to the apartment is made mostly in silence. Katherine will comment on something she sees out the window now and then and Maya will just hum in response. Other than that, it’s quiet.

Maya is thankful that when she opens the door, she smells food. Her tense shoulders sag, the muscles in her back releasing at the smell of an Italian home cooked meal. “I’m back.” She calls out.

Carina dances out from the bedroom. “Ciao.” She grins and then bites her lip. “Dinner is just about ready.” She walks over towards the door where Katherine and Maya stand. Maya with her hands in her pockets and Katherine with her hands folded together neatly in front of her body. Both of them equally nervous about this endeavor. Carina kisses Maya on the cheek and then leans into Katherine for a quick side hug. “Bambina, will you set the table?” She gives Maya something to do.

Maya nods and heads to her task, happy to have something to do and not just stand there awkwardly.

“I’m glad you are here, Katherine. Maya and I are happy to welcome you into our home.” Carina puts a gentle hand on Katherine’s back and encourages her to step farther into the room.

At the word home, Katherine looks around the room. The apartment isn’t overly large but is spacious enough. There is room in the rooms and nothing seems to crowded or close together like in some smaller apartments. “You have a nice space.”

Carina hums. “I can’t take credit for the apartment.” Her eyes find Maya, the blonde with the dishes at the table. “It’s Maya’s apartment.”

“That reminds me.” Maya says without looking up. “Glenn came by one day while you were gone. He wanted to check in and dropped off the new contract for the next year. We’ll have to get you added to that. He asked about all the stuff in the kitchen.” Glenn, the building manager, has know Maya for many many years. They have good cordial relationship. She has advised him on a number of fire related matters involving the building and he has always been kind to her and thankful for her knowledge and help. But he had also known Maya as someone who lived by herself or had the occasional guest or friend staying for a bit but seeing the ‘new’ setup in Maya’s kitchen, he had questions.

While it had been an issue when she first moved in, the ‘Italian’ kitchen has stayed. And Carina secretly thinks that Maya loves it and doesn’t want it any other way now. That it now brings her a sense of comfort and home the same way it had for Carina when she first moved in and Covid was raging in Italy.

“Bene.” Carina says, acknowledging the words coming from her wife. “Excuse me.” She bows a little at Katherine. “I have to check the oven. But make yourself at home.”

“What are we having?” Maya finishes up with the table and heads into the kitchen. She steps up next to Carina as she pulls the oven door open. “Ooooh, lasagna.” While it’s not her favorite dish, or even her favorite Italian dish that Carina makes; lasagna holds special place in her heart, it has a certain sentimental value.

Maya gets a message and pulls her phone from her pocket and reads it. “Oh, good. Your test is negative, mom. You can ditch the mask now.”

Katherine sighs, relieved.

Carina checks the lasagna and shuts it back in the oven and starts on making up a salad for the trio.

“I can help.” Maya whispers.

Carina shakes her head. “Go sit with your mamma.”

The thought scares Maya. She would rather stay in the safety of Carina’s side. She doesn’t want to say or do the wrong thing in front of her mother now that the woman is in her home. The old fear she had from when she was a kid and living at home comes back. Where she was on edge every day, afraid to say or do the wrong thing in front of Lane.

Carina puts a hand on Maya’s hip. She leans into her wife’s body, pressing a kiss to her lips. “Go.”

Maya huffs and goes to sit at the table. “Have a seat, mom.”

Katherine comes over and sits across from Maya. They sit quietly, avoiding eye contact the entire time. Maya can almost feel her skin crawling. It’s unnerving having her mother’s eyes on her and Carina for some reason. It’s a fear inside Maya. Like, if this doesn’t work out, Katherine will go back to Lane and report everything she witnessed in this apartment. Like Maya’s life and relationship are being scrutinized and analyzed for his benefit. And that doesn’t sit well with Maya. Even if it’s not true.

She watches Carina as she fiddles with the ring on her finger. Maya has never been one to wear rings. Carina wears them all the time, on most of her fingers. But Maya doesn’t. For one thing, they don’t mesh with her career. For a second, Maya never was comfortable with the feel.

Katherine observes Maya’s behavior, she sees the ring, and can tell that Maya is uncomfortable. She doesn’t want to say anything about it though.

Maya sighs when Carina finally brings the food over. Salads, first. She sits down next to Maya, patting the blonde’s thigh with her hand before settling into dinner.

It’s quiet as they start but Katherine has questions. Lots of questions and she can’t hold them in forever. She wants to know about her daughter’s wife.

“So, you girls decided on simple gold bands?”

Carina hums, chewing her salad lettuce.

Maya spins the band around on her finger with her thumb. She’s been doing a lot of that the last couple of days. “Carina didn’t want to spend a lot of money on rings. We don’t even have engagement rings.”

“You make it sound like I make all the decision, bella.” Carina kisses the top of Maya’s head as she passes behind her chair to go get the pan of lasagna now that it’s sat for a few minutes.

Maya’s eyes follow Carina as she goes. “I agreed.” She concedes. “I didn’t want anything flashy or gaudy.” She watches Carina get the lasagna from the counter along with a spatula. “Do you want any help?” She feels like she should be in two places at once. Sitting in front of her mother at the table and in the kitchen with Carina helping with the dishes and the food.

Katherine observes their interaction and how comfortable they seem, how at ease they are.

“I do have another ring though.” She looks back at her mom across the table from her. “For work. Inexpensive. For safety purposes. And if they have to cut it off.” She looks down at the table with that comment.

“What’s going on with your job anyway?” Katherine asks. It’s not intentionally to be insensitive but she’s just curious. She mostly doesn’t know anything about Maya’s job or her life as a firefighter.

Maya hears Carina take in a stilted breath. She glances over in Carina’s direction before turning her attention to her mother again. "I don’t know. I expect to hear something tomorrow. Perhaps the next day.”

Carina returns to the table with the main course. “We are trying to be hopeful, right bella?”

Maya only hums.

Carina dishes up the lasagna and sits down again.

“Well, I hope that you get your job back.” Katherine gives a timid smile.

Maya looks down at her plate and rolls her eyes. Her mother knows nothing about what her job is or how difficult it can be. She takes a deep breath and looks back up giving her mother a forced smile.

After dinner, Maya sets her mother up in the guest room as Carina cleans up from dinner. She shows her mom where they keep the towels if she wants to shower. She also shows her where everything is in the bathroom.

“Carina, do we have any extra toothbrushes?” Maya yells.

“Non lo so.” She gets back.

Maya hums. “We’ll go shopping tomorrow. For a toothbrush and like clothes or whatever.” She looks at her mother in the same clothes that she had on at the wedding. “You can borrow some of mine until then.”

“Thanks.” Katherine says meekly.


It’s Carina’s first day back at work. Not a full day, but it will be her first day in almost two months. She’s nervous but excited. She’s excited to see all the familiar faces. She’s happy to be going back to work and helping women with their health and having babies. But she’s nervous. She flutters around the apartment that morning. Maya following after her, watching her get ready.

Maya finally stops her, running her hands from Carina’s shoulders down her chest a little way. “You’ll be fine. You’ll do amazing.”

Carina jiggles nervously in her place. “I know, bambina. I know. It just- It’s been so long.”

“You’ll get back there and into the swing of things and by the end of the day it’ll be like you never left.” Maya leans in and kisses her wife firmly.

Katherine shuffles by behind him, hand shielding her eyes. “Don’t mind me.” She whispers.

Maya groans, embarrassed. Carina chuckles and squeezes Maya’s hip.

Katherine goes to sit in one of the chairs in the living room. “I know. I told you last night that I don’t want to interrupt.”

“Then don’t.” Maya narrows her eyes.

“I have to go or I’m going to be late.” Carina pecks Maya on the cheek and slips away from her.

“When are you done today?” Maya asks. Now that Carina is leaving, she’s worried about what she’s going to do all day with her mother. She can’t go to work. She hasn’t heard from the chief yet. She did say they would go shopping but that won’t take all day.

“I’ll be home a little after four. You want me to pick anything up for dinner?” Carina asks out of courtesy. She knows, though, that they have plenty of food in the apartment after Maya’s little shopping spree the other day.

“No. I’ll make something.” Maya logs that Carina will be gone for a little over six hours. She’s already trying to think about what she, and her mother, are going to do with that time.

Maya uses those six hours to take her mother shopping for clothes to wear. She lent her mother a shirt and some sweatpants, which she think looks totally bizarre on her mother. So, they go shopping. Katherine buys modest outfits.

Which Maya grumbles about. “It’s okay if we spend a little money today.” Maya tries to be kind about it.

“I don’t want to overstep.” Katherine tells her.

Maya doesn’t want to have to play this card. They are equals and money isn’t an issue for her and Carina but- “Listen, my wife is a doctor. They have a pretty good salary. You’re not overstepping anything.”

Katherine nods timidly. “I’ll pay her back.”

Maya rolls her eyes and turns her back to her mother and looks at a few shirts on the rack in front of her. “Good luck trying.” She mumbles under her breath, so her mother doesn’t hear.

Her and her mother are awkward around each other all day. They don’t talk about Lane. Maya mumbles out a thank god when Carina strolls through the door. Carina comes over and greets her with a kiss.

“How was your first day back?” Maya grins, excited to hear about Carina’s day at work.

Carina nods, vigorously. “Molto bene.” She turns to Katherine. “Very good.” She translates.

Katherine nods, impressed. “You know Italian, Maya?” She’s heard Carina say a number of things last night and this morning that she doesn’t understand and assumes are in Italian.

Maya hums. “Yes and no. I know what Carina has taught me.” She smirks. At first it was all body parts and sex stuff. “I understand small words and phrases. Little stuff that we use every day. But I couldn’t speak it. I couldn’t understand a full conversation or a rant.” She smiles at Carina at the last word.

Carina throws a hand in the air. “Si, si, I’m very dramatic.” She kisses Maya again and then moves to the bedroom to change out of her work clothes.

“What do you want for dinner, my love?” Maya calls. She doesn’t get a response right away.

Carina comes out of the bedroom a few seconds later, pulling a shirt over her head. “What are you making?” She raises an eyebrow. Maya said she would cook.

Maya her head to the side. She said she would cook. “I took some chicken from the freezer to thaw. So, I need to use that today or tomorrow. So, something with chicken?”

“Meravigliosa.”  Carina goes to the kitchen. She looks at the chicken in the sink and then runs herself a glass of water from the tap.

Over dinner that night, Katherine asks what kind of doctor Carina is.

Maya turns as red as a fire truck. Katherine questions Maya about it. “Are you embarrassed, dear? That your wife is a doctor?”

She is embarrassed because she knows Carina and how she could say something inappropriate in front of her mother and not think anything of it.

Carina rubs her hand up and down Maya’s leg. “I won’t say anything about my study.” She promises.

“What study?” Katherine asks and Maya wishes a hole would open up in the floor and swallow her up.

“I’m an OB/GYN.” Carina fills in.

Katherine’s face lights up. “Fascinating.”

Carina hums and smirks. “Maya thinks so too.” That earns her a glare from her wife.

Katherine had noticed an interesting painting in the hallway. “That explains the artwork in the hallway.”

“You should see what’s in the bedroom.” Maya mumbles into her glass of water.

She can’t believe Maya just said that, especially after initially being embarrassed to tell Katherine the details of the study. “Maya.”

“What? You are usually very proud of your vagina art.”

Maya is right. Carina is. “But I didn’t expect to discuss it with your mother. Over dinner.” Maya shrugs. “Did you want some wine, Katherine?” Carina asks as she pushes her chair back to get up to go to the kitchen. Their dinner was very good but now Carina would like a glass of wine to settle down with in the living room after their meal.

Katherine is a little surprised by the offer. No one ever asks her what she wants. Wine or otherwise. She doesn’t really drink. She thinks about her husband and how he usually has a beer or two or three every night after dinner. “I’m not really a drinker but maybe I can have splash.”

Carina pours herself and Maya each a glass and just a splash for Katherine.

They all sit in the living room chatting. Carina and Maya on the couch. Carina with her arm around Maya’s shoulders. Katherine asks about their relationship. All she knows is that she met Carina that one time at the spaghetti dinner. “I thought you were very lovely that day.” Katherine smiles. “And you wanted to look out for my little Maya.”

“I’m not little, mom.” Maya frowns.

Carina presses a kiss to Maya’s temple. “You’re a little little.” She teases her wife.

Maya scoffs. “You are hardly taller than me.”

Carina presses her nose to the side of Maya’s head. “You’re more compact.” She flicks her tongue out and laps at the tip of Maya’s ear.

Maya shrugs her shoulders up around her head.

The wine loosens Maya up. They have more than one glass. And Maya has more than one glass than Carina. That anxiety she has felt around her mother and her watchful eye is gone for the moment. And when she’s loose, her hands have a mind of their own. And sometimes so does her tongue. “You’re so pretty. I’m so lucky that you married me.” Maya tucks Carina’s hair behind her ear. “Even your ears are pretty.” She runs her finger around Carina’s ear.

Carina shivers. “That tickles, bambina.”

They drink their wine, and they fill Katherine in on the ups and downs of their relationship. Not all the grueling details, obviously, but the main events. An overview. The lead up to the wedding. How they got engaged and Carina’s subsequent time in Italy.

Katherine asks about the hospital she worked at, and Carina fills her in on what she did there. Maya mostly stays quiet, nestled in Carina’s side. Her left hand around her wine glass, her right on Carina’s leg or knee, always touching her somewhere.

“So is Covid real?” Katherine asks.

Carina stiffens up. Maya looks up to check Carina’s face. It’s straight, showing no obvious emotion but Maya can feel the emotion locked up in Carina’s stiff muscles.

“Why would you ask that?” Carina says carefully.

Katherine looks down, knowing she didn’t say the correct thing. “Lane says that it’s all made up to get people to follow along with what the government wants them to do. To control people. Not that it’s not real, but that it’s not serious. That most people would get over it like they would a cold.”

“It’s a very serious virus. And the more we are finding out about it, the more serious it appears to be. It is true that most, not all, healthy people can recover if they get Covid; but it’s becoming increasingly clear that there are long lasting impacts for many. Long Covid. With symptoms that won’t go away and may never. Debilitating brain fog. The inability to breath properly or regularly. All sort of cardiovascular problems. Neurological. Chronic fatigue. Stuff that will change your life forever. Even if you don’t have all that; the initial acute Covid can be very serious. It’s killed far more people than it should have because people won’t listen to healthcare and doctors and scientists on prevention. A vaccine is coming, but that takes time. So yes, it’s very real and very serious and very deadly.”

Maya slips her arm behind Carina’s back, between her and the couch. Her hand wrapping around her waist. Maya knows the trauma that Carina has seen and gone through in treating and watching patients die from this virus. She wants to take that pain away from her and not let it poison Carina’s wonderful soul, but she knows her wife is forever changed because of it. Carina went into medicine to help people, yes. She went into Gynecology and Obstetrics to help women and mothers. Not to treat patients with a virus. The blonde presses a quick kiss to Carina’s cheek. “I love you.” She whispers.

Katherine wipes a few tears from the corners of her eyes. Carina’s words about the pandemic and the effects of Covid really getting to her. She didn’t completely believe what Lane told her, but she didn’t have any other perspective to base her opinion and thoughts on the virus off of. She would sit in the living room in the evening crocheting while Lane watched Fox News. She had just taken what was being said for what it was.

Also, she can see how the virus has affected Carina and even Maya. How they huddle together in their own little cocoon of personal safety. She sees how Maya supports Carina with this and how Carina has supported Maya with her demotion over recent days.

More than anything, Katherine feels a sense of relief. Relief that Maya seems to be, well, not Lane. That was her fear for the longest time. For years and years, he was molding his daughter to be an exact copy of himself. And somehow, Maya isn’t. Katherine wonders if it’s because of Maya’s job, or because of Carina, or even because of Lane himself.

“Maya.” Katherine whispers, getting the pairs attention.

Carina closes her eyes and rest her head on Maya’s shoulder.

Maya hums and looks over at her mother in the chair across from them.

“I’m so happy you aren’t like your father.”

Maya jolts. They’ve avoided this topic thus far. Maya knew it would come up at some point though. So, why not now.

“And I’m so happy that you seem happy.”

Maya smiles softly at that. Even though the time since there wedding has been full of uncertainty, Maya is happy. She’s so happy it’s hard for her to believe. “Thanks, mom.” She whispers.

“I’m going to head to the bedroom.” Katherine excuses herself to give them some privacy.

“Goodnight, Katherine.” Carina mumbles.

“Goodnight, Carina. Goodnight, Maya.” She gives them a nod.

“Are you okay?” Maya asks as soon as the door to her guest bedroom clicks shut.

Carina lifts her head from Maya’s shoulder. She reaches up, setting to fingers against Maya’s jaw, kissing her. “I am.” She sighs sadly. “With you, I’ll always be okay, even if I’m not.”

Maya doesn’t like the sound of that. “Carina?”

“Shhhh.” Carina whispers. “I love you, bambina. Let’s go to bed.”

Maya wants to say something about it being early yet, but she knows not to. She knows Carina needs to. She needs to go to bed and likely just laying in bed with Maya. And something in Maya feels the same. In their room, in bed, they can shut out the world and everything that’s happening in it.


Maya finally hears from the chief. She is suspended for two weeks from the day she stormed his office. And then can return to the station in the role of lieutenant. She gets confirmation that Gibson is captain for now, but that the chief is looking to fill the position on a permanent basis until her investigation concludes.

So apparently Jack isn’t going to be the next captain of the station. It’s not that Maya doesn’t think he could do it, but she doesn’t think he could do it consistently enough. And that he’s probably better suited to be a lieutenant. Something about his organizational skills and paperwork skills are lacking.

The chief also says there will be a full investigation into the incident and Maya will get the results of that when it’s concluded. She wants to ask if when the investigation is complete, she will get her captaincy back, but holds her tongue. She knows she’s already in enough hot water with the man.

She hangs her head and runs her hand over her face at the news.

Maya gets more frustrated with each day that passes as her mother stays with them. She runs every morning and afternoon just to get out of the house. She vents to Carina about her and how Maya feels like Katherine is in her back pocket all the time. Like she’s always watching and Maya doesn’t feel like she can breathe properly.

“Are you sure you’re not just projecting your feelings towards your father on your mamma?” Carina asks sagely.

Maya wrinkles up her face and hates that Carina knows her so well. She flops down onto the bed with a dramatic huff. “Yes.” She rolls her eyes at herself.

Carina sits down next to Maya and rubs her hand over her back. “Bambina, what do you want to do about it?” She can see it’s clearly effecting Maya.

“She has to go.” She hates the words that come out of her mouth.

Carina frowns. She’s quite liked Katherine staying with them.

“Not right now. But eventually. She can’t stay here forever. I don’t want to put a time limit on it but if we could expedite it somehow.” Maya shrugs, feeling pathetic that she wants to kick her mother out.

The Italian tilts her head to the side, appraising Maya.

“Don’t look at me like that. I know I sound awful.”

A smile tugs at Carina’s lips. She kisses Maya quickly. “You do.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “She’s infringing on my freedom. I can’t even have sex with my wife without feeling weird about it.”

Carina chuckles.

“I moved out of their house for a reason.” Maya shrugs. “For more than one reason. But now if feel like I’m back there again. Like I just got back from London, and everything feels suffocating. Can we, like, rent her an apartment?”

She can see that Maya is really struggling here. She wraps her arms around the blonde, pulling her against her chest. “Maybe. But we can’t just kick her out. I want her to feel like she has our support.”

“She does.” Maya whines.

“Yes, but it might not seem like it if you approach her like you just approached me and say you have go.”

“But she’s driving me crazy. I need to go back to work. She always wants to like hang out and do stuff.” Maya whines.

“She just wants to have a relationship with you. I know you don’t know what that looks like or feels like, but you know what?” Maya shakes her head. “She probably doesn’t either. But she’s trying Maya. You need to try too.”

“I am. It’s just-” Maya groans and lays her head on Carina’s shoulder. “Hard.”

“Let her get a job. She’s working on that, right?”

“Yeah. We spent the day going around filling out applications. She doesn’t have-“ Maya frowns. “-very many skills. It’s like she’s stuck in the nineties or something. She doesn’t know how to use a smart phone. I gave her my phone to call a few places and she looked at it like it was going to explode in her hand.”

“So, you can show her, teach her. You can bond over that, maybe.” Carina offers. “That way she can be more independent and not have to rely on you or us.”

Maya hums. She didn’t think of it like that. She knows Carina is right. “Tell me about your day.”

“Dio mio, I had a delivery as soon as I got in. And then a mamma had to have an emergency c-section. It was busy. There were two more laboring mothers in the afternoon, neither of which were very far along, so I’ll see if you are still there in the morning. One was a patient of mine but she is okay if I’m not there for the delivery. But I will try to be if it’s tomorrow. I have office hours tomorrow though.”

Maya hums. She like hearing about all the crazy things that happen at Carina’s job. Just like Carina enjoys hearing about all the crazy stories that the firefighter comes home with.

“Do you like her?”

“Who?”

Maya sighs dramatically. “My mom.”

Carina giggles. “I do. She is shy and timid. I can see now where you get your sometimes shyness from.”

“I’m not shy.”

Carina hums. “Sometimes shy. You can be, bella.” Maya rolls her eyes. “With me. Only with me.”

Maya concedes. There are so many things that only Carina sees. She’s not going to argue with that.

“But your mamma is good. She needs our patience. She needs time. We will sit down and talk with her about the future and put a plan in place. Si?”

“Yeah.” Maya nuzzles her nose against Carina’s neck. “Thank you for being so wonderful with all this.”

“Of course, bambina.” Carina pulls Maya tight to her chest. “Now what’s this about you being uncomfortable about sex with you mamma around?” She teases.

Maya groans. “Stop.”

“I will not.” She runs her hand over the back of Maya’s head. “Sex is perfectly natural. I’m sure your mamma knows that. She had you.”

“You’re making this worse.” Maya wraps her arm around Carina. “Don’t make me think about my parents having sex.”

Carina chuckles. “We are not your parents.”

“Thank god. I don’t know what their sex life was like but thinking back it was probably non-existent. Or like only on special occasions. Like birthdays, anniversary. Obligatory in a way, perhaps. It never felt like they were in love or loved each other. I think for a long time that’s just how it was. That’s all I saw growing up, ya know. It’s probably why I didn’t think I would get married for a while. I didn’t want to end up like that. If I just had one night stands, they would never turn into something sour.”

“That makes perfect sense, bambina.”

Maya shifts, crawling into Carina’s lap. “So far this is so much better than I ever could have imagined. Being married.”

Carina laughs. “We’ve been married like ten days.”

“I know.” Maya smiles, looking into those impossible warm brown eyes. “And it’s been so awful on the outside but so wonderful on the inside, with you.” The conflicting emotions that Maya has been feeling the last week or so probably doesn’t help how she feels about her mother and her living with them. But she knows that nothing lasts forever. Things will change and they will all move on to the next thing in their lives. Hopefully. She’d hate to be stuck in this period in time forever. Even though she has Carina everything else isn’t great.

Carina slips her hands up the inside of Maya’s t-shirt, against her back. “I love you, bambina. I’m here with you. With your mamma. You got this.” She encourages. “Everything will work itself out.”

“I love you so much.” Maya closes her eyes and rests her forehead against Carina’s. “Did your parents ever love each other?”

Carina hums out a sad note. “They did. But things changed after Andrea was born. They always had this undercurrent. You could feel it. They would fight and yell and scream. They fought hard but then they would always make up just as hard. Probably not a good example for kids to see but-“ Carina shrugs. “It was his bipolar. He’d be yelling and screaming about something. And then the next day he would bring my mamma flowers and chocolates and kisses. And then more than kisses after Andrea and I went to bed.” Her hands find Maya’s waist. “It was that way until the end. And then it was over. I think she didn’t want to live with that anymore. I know she didn’t.”

“Your mamma was very brave.” Maya pulls her head back, finding Carina sitting there with her eyes closed still. “My mom couldn’t do that.”

Carina wraps her arms around Maya and lays her head on her shoulder. “But she did. Now. It just took time. It just took courage that she didn’t have. It took you showing up at the front door and telling your father how it was going to be, how you were going to live, and that you were getting married. She saw your courage and that gave her some of her own.”

Maya hadn’t thought of it that way. She had thought that her mom had just followed her out of the house because she wanted to see Maya and to perhaps see her get married. “Please, let’s make sure that we never turn into our parents.”

“Let’s do that.” Carina agrees.


Katherine is in the guest bedroom ‘playing’ with the new phone that Maya and Carina got for her. Carina takes the opportunity to sit Maya down.

Maya is sitting on her laptop at the table.

“Can we talk?” Carina asks.

Maya eyes shoot up from the screen across the table to her wife. “What- what did I do wrong?”

Carina chuckles. “Nothing bambina.” She purses her lips and shakes her head. “Can you come sit down with me?” She nods over to the couch.

Maya nods and gets up. “Maybe don’t use those words.”

“Mi spiace.”

“It freaked me out for a second. Can we talk? Usually when someone says that it means bad things.” She’s not criticizing, she’s just letting Carina know that it made her uneasy. She meets Carina at the end of the couch, taking her hand. “But what do you want to discuss?”

They sit. Carina sits with one leg tucked under the other, facing Maya. Maya sits more conventionally on the couch, facing forward, both feet on the floor. Carina plays with Maya’s fingers in her hands. “I’ve only known you as Captain Maya Bishop.”

Maya nods and takes a deep breath. “I know. I’m sorry I’m not captain anymore.” She didn’t want to bring it up, but she knows there a is different connotation now that she’s not captain anymore.

“No, bambina.” Carina licks her lips. “It’s not that. I don’t care what your title is. I love you just the same.”

Maya takes a deep breath. She doesn’t know if she believes Carina’s words. She knows she doesn’t love herself the same anymore.

“You will be Lieutenant Maya Bishop now. And I- uh-“ She’s nervous to talk about this. “As your wife now- want to know what the differences are going to be. In you day to day activity.”

“Oh.”

“What are your responsibilities now on scene?” Carina wants to know the risks and dangers that will be present now.

“Well.” Maya thinks it over. She hadn’t put a lot of thought into how things will change. She was a lieutenant once, and she will just have to fall back into that role. It won’t be hard to be a lieutenant again. It might be hard for her, however, to not want to command a scene as a captain.

“It’s more hands on. Which is just as exciting, but I actually get to do something. To help with my own hands. Running point, making sure everything is going according to plan inside on a search and rescue. Or inside a fire, keeping tabs on everything, reporting what is happening to the captain. Helping with a rescue, getting my hands dirty, as they say. Using the tools. My axe.” Maya grins with pride. “Have I ever shown you my axe?”

Carina quirks an eyebrow. “No, bambina.”

“You have to see it sometime.” Maya grins excitedly.

“Okay.” Carina smiles a crooked little half smile at Maya.

“Organizing the crew, making sure lines get set up and on the fire as quickly as possible, running the hose.” Maya is trying to think of what else.

“So, it’s more dangerous than being captain?”

Maya hums. She turns the body towards Carina putting her free left hand on Carina’s knee. “Yes.” She’s not going to lie to Carina. “It is. We go into a burning building. Or a collapsed building. We direct traffic around a car accident or hang from the end of the ladder to rescue a kitten from a tree.”

“Do you really rescue kittens?”

Maya nods. “Yeah. Not very often but it happens.”

This is what Carina had thought and Maya is only reinforcing the fear and worry inside Carina about her being a lieutenant again. “I know you are very capable and good at your job, and I shouldn’t worry but I’m going to. A little noise in the back of my head telling me continually that there is a risk there that something could go wrong.”

Maya shrugs. “Things do happen but Carina, I’m not going to let anything happen to me if I can help it.”

“That’s not very reassuring.” Carina gives her a little pout.

It dawns on Maya just how difficult this might be to manage. She’s never been in this position. All of a sudden, she has been bumped down to lieutenant and is now married. She realizes that some things are going to have to change. She is going to have to set up a will so that if something does happen, everything will go to Carina. It’s not an easy thing to think about.

“I just wanted to talk to you and find out. Be prepared.” Carina shrugs at Maya’s silence.

“No.” She reaches up and puts her hand on Carina’s cheek. “It’s okay. I know. I get it. This is new, different. For both of us. I would love to be able to tell you that everything will be okay but that’s not realistic. I do understand your fear and concern. But hopefully this won’t last too long, and I’ll be a boring old captain again.”

Carina sighs. “Vieni qua.” She needs Maya closer.

Maya scoots over, pulling Carina’s leg over hers. “I love you, Carina.” She sets her hands on Carina’s waist.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya, pulling her into an embrace. “I love you, bambina.”


She shows up early and heads to the beanery and makes breakfast for everyone on her crew. Travis and Vic walk in first.

“Hey, Cap.” Travis says and then grimaces. He gets an elbow in the ribs from Vic. He groans and looks over at Vic with wide eyes.

“How’s the wifey?” Vic says.

Maya rolls her eyes at the pair. “She’s great. Back to work. Everything’s great.” It’s a complete and utter lie. Maya feels weird and out of place right now. The name plate on her shirt feels all wrong. The fact that she’s making her team breakfast also feels wrong. She has to remind herself that it’s not her team anymore.

Everyone comes in and sits down and eats. No one says anything about her demotion. No one says anything about Andy being gone. She’s sure they all talked about that before she got back, before now. It’s quiet, save for a few compliments on her cooking. She knows they want to tease. She wishes they would. Say something about how her cooking has improved since last time she was lieutenant or how Carina has improved her cooking. But they don’t.

Jack comes barreling up the stairs. “Oh, good. You’re here.”

“All here and accounted for Gibson.” Vic salutes him.

Jack rolls his eyes at Vic. “I meant Bishop. I need your help.”

“Me?” Maya points at herself.

“Yeah. There’s this stupid computer program and it’s gone haywire, and I don’t know how to fix it. And I don’t want to call someone cuz then it’ll seem like I don’t know what I’m doing.” He rubs his hand over the back of his neck.

“Can I finish my breakfast?”

Jack nods, aggressively. “Yeah, sure. Of course.”

So, Maya spends half of the morning in the captain’s office. She didn’t think she would find herself back here so soon. She fixes the computer and then helps Jack sort through some of the paperwork he has on his desk. “You’re falling behind, man.”

“I know. It’s just this stupid computer. And you know how good I am with paperwork. How did you ever do everything?”

“It was easy.” Maya shrugs. “It takes a fair amount of organization.”

“Maybe you should do this.” Jack frowns, his hands on his hips.

“Well-“ Maya looks around the room. It’s weird being on the other side of the desk now. She would love to. “-I don’t think the chief would like that.”

Jack nods. “Right.”

“I probably shouldn’t ever be in here.”

Jack pulls a face, tilting his had to the side dramatically. “I don’t know if that’s true. It’s just an office.”

“You know what I mean, Gibson. I’m happy to help if you have any questions, but I can’t do the work for you.”

“Right.” Jack nods again. “Got it.”

Chapter 46

Notes:

Thanks for reading. the comments and kudos. It was hard to sit down and work on this story after seeing the last few episodes. It was hard to focus on this so that's why it took a little longer than i would like.
In this installment... a little bit with katherine. maya asks about mason and she doesn't exactly get the sort of response she was hoping for from her mother. Carina and maya lean on each other through some difficult situations. and katherine is moving on.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Can I ask you something?” Maya mumbles. She’s been thinking about this topic for days now. It has taken her days to work up the balls to ask her mother though.

“Sure, dear.”

“Do you know where Mason is?” Maya’s palms are sweaty, the hairs on the back of her neck stands up in anticipation.

“Oh.” Katherine looks down at the floor.

They had been making dinner. Just the two of them. Maya is off today, and Carina is set to be done with work in forty-five minutes. So, they are preparing a meal for her and them to have when she gets home from work. Maya needs her mother’s help in making something that’s a little more complex though than throwing together a sauce and some chicken and noodles.

“I haven’t seen or heard from him in a couple of years. I do worry now with Covid though about if he’s safe or not. The last time I saw him, he came to the house one day, he said he was staying with some friends of his. It wasn’t much but he looked good. He said he was trying to get a job and make some money. I was hopeful.”

“Why was he at the house?”

“Oh.” Katherine looks over at her daughter. “He went to his room and got something from there. I don’t know what it was or what it could’ve been. I just know that him being there must have taken a lot. Your father wasn’t home, of course. I’m sure Mason knew that before he rang the doorbell. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was hidden somewhere just waiting and watching.”

Maya takes all of this new information in. “But he was good?”

Katherine nods. “He seemed good.”

“Good.” Maya chews on her lip. “You know I feel bad, right?”

“No, dear.” Katherine shakes her head. “About what?” She doesn’t know what Maya could feel bad about. She just got married. Everything should be great. She wasn’t fired from her job so that’s nothing to feel bad about.

“Mason. It’s my fault he overdosed. It’s my fault he left home. It’s my fault he is homeless.”

“Oh.” Katherine doesn’t have any better words for her confusion and surprise. “It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. It’s your father’s fault. For a long time I didn’t see how much damage he was doing to Mason. I thought, if he focused on you then he wouldn’t focus on Mason. He wouldn’t treat Mason the way he treated you.”

Maya grinds her teeth together. She doesn’t want to be mad at her mother. But hearing the woman say that she knew there was abuse happening and did nothing to stop it, doesn’t make Maya feel any better about her father or Mason.

“As bad as it sounds, and it sounds bad, cuz it is bad, I thought you could take it.”

Maya rolls her eyes and walks away from her mother. “Can you look after dinner? I’ll be in my room.”

“Oh.” Katherine mumbles.

Maya knew talking about Mason wasn’t going to be easy, but she didn’t think it would result in her running away from the conversation. It’s a habit that she’s trying to break. The instinct to run in the opposite direction as soon as something in her personal life gets messy or uncomfortable. She just needs to calm down and be able to think rationally and not yell or have an outburst at her mother. She knows she’s going to have to do some work with Dr. Lewis about all this, but right now, she just wants to be alone for a minute.

She takes a few minutes and spends some time in her room looking at everything in there. She thinks about Mason and how it’s good to know that he seemed to be doing alright. She can’t believe her mother though. She can’t believe she would say something like that, even if it was true, to say it out loud. She basically told her that she thought that Maya could take the abuse and that that was saving Mason from it.


The engine and ladder trucks pull up to the scene of a house fire. Maya hops out of the truck and assess the scene and starts giving orders. “Montgomery, Hushes get the hoses hooked up to that hydrant. Miller do any external sweep of the building. Gibson, Cutler masks up and prepare to make entry.

Captain Jack walks over to her. “What Bishop said.” He tells everybody. He grins at Maya. Toothy, teasing.

“Shut up.” Maya grumbles.

“I didn’t say anything, lieutenant.” He chuckles and looks don’t at his tablet. “Looks like there’s an addition on the back of the house. Bishop, get back there and check on it. See if the fire has extended that far.”

Maya masks up and runs off as everyone else gets set up to spray water on the front part of the house where flames are coming out.

“Bishop.” Dean nods in her direction once she reaches the back of the house.

Jack checks with the bystanders next, to ask if they are the owners and if anyone is inside. Usually if there were that’s the first thing that someone says to him as they are arriving. There seems to be no urgency in that matter. They also would get information from dispatch about any trapped civilians but didn’t with this call. He doesn’t discern who the owners are though. Everyone seems to be neighbors or just onlookers.

Maya tries the door on the back. It’s locked. She looks inside the windows and doesn’t see any fire. But does see smoke creepy into the room at the top of the interior door. She gets on the radio. “Captain, I don’t see any fire back here but there is smoke billowing in over the door into this addition. We need to get water on this building asap.”

“Copy, Bishop.” Jack looks over and the hoses are just about ready to go. “Hit this thing with water.” He calls out.

“Just can’t give it up, huh?” Dean asks.

Maya rolls her eyes at him. “No. It’s like an instinct. Jump out of the truck, assess the scene, start shouting orders. I can’t help it.” She holds her arms out at her sides. “Let’s go.” They walk around the other side of the building that Dean hasn’t inspected yet.

“Do you think Jack is going to become permanent captain?” Miller wonders as they walk. He’s been thinking a lot about it lately. They are over a month from the wedding, and little has changed at the station other than the fact that Maya isn’t captain anymore and Jack is filling in. There haven’t been any updates from the chief on the investigation or what might happen in the future.

“I don’t know, Miller.” Maya sure hopes Jack doesn’t become permanent captain. That would mean she isn’t captain at 19 again.

They are about to round the front corner of the house when there is an explosion, off to their left, knocking them of their feet. The exterior wall of the house is blown out and debris and shrapnel rains down on them.

Captain Gibson can see Bishop and Miller on the ground, they seem to be moving. He radios to them. “Miller, Bishop status?”

Dean is the one to radio back first. “I’m good, Cap.” Her looks over at Maya. She was closer to the building, she blocked some of the blow from reaching him. She’s definitely taken more of the impact of the blast. “Bishop?” Dean calls out.

“I’m fine.” Maya groans and pushes herself to her hands and knees. “What the fuck happened?” She looks over at the building with a whole blown in the side. She can see into the room as little flames dance on a table and a few other things in the room but not much else. Maya pushes herself to her feet and gets a closer look. The explosion put out whatever blaze was in that room; only little embers remain. “It’s a meth lab.” She gets on the radio. “Gibson, it’s a meth lab.”

Jack isn’t sure what to do. He looks around and now it makes sense that the owners of the building are nowhere to be found. He knows he has to notify police. Then Maya’s voice comes back over the radio.

“No one goes inside or within twenty feet of the building. This is a defensive operation. Pour water on it but stay back. Miller and I need a contamination shower and you need to call in back up since we are out of this operation now.” She instructs to the crew and Jack.

Gibson nods. He can see Maya staring at him from fifty feet away as she tells him what to do through the radio.

She and Miller get to work setting up a containment area, then stripping their gear off and showering off. Warren is assigned to help them as back up arrives. The last thing they want is for any flammable chemicals to be on their gear, so it all has to be removed and washed properly so the next time they go into a fire they don’t explode.

“You’re bleeding, Bishop.” Warren points to the side of his head near his eye.

Maya reaches up to feel for the blood. There is no real concern in Ben’s eyes, so she knows it’s nothing serious.

“Other side.” He smiles a little.

Maya feels the cut.

“It’s just a little cut.” Dean adds. He saw it as soon as Maya stood up after the explosion.

Maya tells Carina about the incident when they talk on the phone that night. She’s vowed to always tell Carina what is happening with work. If it’s a dangerous call, especially. But when she arrives home in the morning and Carina is getting ready for work, the look on Carina’s face when she sees Maya breaks something inside Maya. She never wants to see that despair on her wife’s face like this.

“No, no, no.” She moves over to Carina, taking the Italian’s hands in her own. “I’m fine. I told you that last night. It’s just a little cut.”

Carina pulls her hands from Maya’s. She reaches up and caresses her face with her left hand, the fingers of the right ghosting over the cut on Maya’s temple.

“It’s just a cut.” Maya whispers as she watches Carina’s face. The brunette’s eyes trained on the one inch cut on her left temple.

After Carina is done inspecting the cut her eyes roam the rest of Maya’s body. Clothes cover the majority of it, and she wants to rip all those clothes off and check Maya’s body for any other injuries, but she knows that won’t help Maya trust her and she has to trust that what Maya is saying is the truth.

“It’s just a little cut.” Maya says again. “That’s it.” She pinches at the bottom of Carina’s shirt near her left hip wondering if it would be too much to tell Carina it’s not a big deal that they get little bumps and scrapes and bruising, being firefighters, all the time. The problem with that is Maya hasn’t been a firefighter since they’ve been together. She hasn’t had little scraps and bumps and bruises all the time. This is the first time. Over the last couple of weeks, she has felt the tiredness and achiness of her body from having to wear her air tank, or the added weight of the tools she has to carry again on her body as they go into a fire scene. This is the first time there is a physical ache or pain. Something that Carina can see.

“Bambina.” Carina sighs and pulls Maya into her arms. “I hate to see you hurt. Even just a little bit.”

Maya wraps her arms around Carina, relaxing against her body. “I know, Carina. I know.”


She was operating on a woman pregnant with twins where one of the fetuses wasn’t getting enough blood flow. The mother went into heart failure. Carina knew she had a heart condition and had Dr. Pierce on standby in the operating room but that didn’t prevent the woman from coding on the table. They managed to get her back and finish the procedure, but it leaves Carina shaken.

While she performs surgeries and procedures, she’s not usually in the business of having things go so sideways during them. But with ever surgery comes the risk of something happening. No matter how routine it is or how healthy the patient seems to be.

She walks in the door with no expression on her face. No pep in her step. Usually, she greets Katherine and Maya if they are home, even if she’s had a rough day. But today is a bit more than a rough day.

Maya walks out of the bedroom when she hears the front door close. “Carina, which shirt do you like better?” She holds a shirt in each of her hands, looking between them and not at her wife. Maya feels like Carina always has such a better sense of fashion than she does. But then she looks up and over at Carina as she is setting her bag down on the floor. “What happened?” She asks, knowing something is not right by the way Carina stands, by her expressionless face. Maya throws the shirts on the table, forgotten. She crosses the room in three large steps and stands in front of Carina.

Carina pulls her lips up to one side. “Ciao.”

“Ciao, my love.” Maya tentatively puts a hand on Carina’s arm. “Do you want to talk about it?” She knows something is wrong, but she also knows that if it were something super bad then Carina would be more devastated than she seems. Or that if it were something that made her mad or irritated Carina would have probably come in the door ranting in Italian. So, it’s somewhere in between.

“Not right now. I’m just-“ She waves a hand in the air.

“Processing?”

“Si.”

“Okay. What do you want to do? We can-“ Maya wrinkles her face up. “Watch a movie?” Carina shakes her head. “Dance around the room?” Carina isn’t in a dancing mood. “This is one of those time I wish we had a bathtub.” Maya pouts.

Carina smiles at that. “Bath’s waste water.”

“I know but I think you seem like you deserve a nice calming bath right now.” She takes Carina’s hand and leads her into the apartment further. “Did you eat dinner?”

“No.”

“I know my cooking skills are not great but what can I make you?” The blonde offers. She just wants to be able to do something for Carina.

“What did you and your mamma have for dinner? Are there leftovers? I can just eat leftovers.”

Maya thinks this little situation deserves more than leftovers.

“We had tacos.” Maya mumbles. She knows Carina likes tacos but that’s not exactly a comfort food. Maya was thinking something more in Carina’s wheelhouse like some Italian dish.

“I love tacos.” Carina brightens up a little.

“I know but don’t you want like- lasagna or Italian pizza or caprese chicken or risotto or-“

Carina chuckles. “Maya, stop.”

“Pasta. Any pasta.”

Carina shakes her head. “Are there leftovers?”

Maya nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” Carina wraps an arm around Maya and opens the fridge. “There are two things that I want right now.” She looks for the taco meat.

“Right there.” Maya points it out.

“Tacos.” Carina pulls the container from the fridge. “And you.”

“Me?” maya raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you.” She kisses Maya’s cheek. “Bella, you are everything to me. In the good days and the bad. Today being bad. You keep me upright. I get to come home, and see you,, and kiss you and hold onto you, and you keep me standing up even when I feel like I might fall over.”

Maya hums. “I just want you to be okay. And to help you feel better, if I can.”

“Tacos and cuddles will make me feel better.” Carina raises an eyebrow.

“Okay. I’ll make the tacos.”

Carina chuckles. “Go ahead.” She’ll let Maya take care of her right now even though Carina knows she could make her own dinner.

Maya has never been one to be great at comforting people. But she’s really trying to be great at it with Carina. She tends to think it helps that she is completely in love with the woman but, still, sometimes it’s a bit of an effort to think of what she can do to comfort. That’s why she made all those suggestions, so Carina could pick one that worked best. And apparently, that means Maya is re-heating tacos meat and getting all the toppings out and ready to throw together.

She sets everything out on the little island counter as Carina disappears into their bedroom to change out of her work clothes.

Carina hovers near Maya when she comes back. Not touching her or getting in the way of what Maya is doing, but just hovering next to her as the meat heats up in the pan. “Thank you for doing all of this for me.” Maya has become her shelter in any storm.

“Olive?” Maya knows what Carina said. It just sounded like she said olive instead of all of.

Carina wrinkles up her nose. “Che cosa?”

“All of.” Maya says slowly. “Olive.”

The Italian grins and wags a finger at her wife. “No.”

But it got Carina to smile and that’s all that Maya really wanted. “You don’t need to thank me.” They are a team. “I got chu.” Maya says with a goofy grin and a wink.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya’s waist at that. She sets her chin on the blonde’s shoulder and watches as Maya stirs the meat occasionally. “I almost lost a mamma today and her two babies.”

Maya hums, not saying anything to allow for Carina to continue.

“That might be the most difficult part of my job. Those scares. You know for a long time I never lost anyone and then the pandemic and-“ She sighs. “I was doing a procedure. One of the fetuses was stealing most of the blood flow from the other.”

“Twins?”

“Si, bella. Identical. So, they share the same blood source, placenta. The mother coded. I had Dr. Pierce there because she had a heart condition, but we almost lost all of them. It’s had me shooketh the rest of the day.”

Maya laughs. “Shooketh. You’re funny.”

“Isn’t that what all the cool kids say?”

Maya shrugs. “I don’t know. I was never a cool kid. And I’m still not now.”

Carina squeezes Maya. “You are very cool to me.”

“Good.” Maya hums. “Your meat is done.”

“My meat.” Carina mumbles at takes a step back, letting Maya go.

Maya spins around with the pan and spoon. “How many tacos do you want?”

Carina stomach takes that moment to growl loudly and Carina chews on her lip with a guilty little grin.

“You’d think there were an animal in there.” Maya grins. “Sooooo all the tacos.”

Carina chuckles. “Three maybe.”

Maya puts meat on three tortillas. “I’ll put this back on the stove for now in case your stomach animal needs more.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” Carina garnishes her tacos with all her favorite toppings. “Will you sit with me while I eat?”

“Sure.” Maya goes over and removes the shirts from the table. “If it’s not too much, what do you think of these shirts?”

“For who?” Carina comes to sit down with her plate.

“Me. Who else? Not you. I can barely dress myself you think I’m going to start suggesting clothes for you to wear.” Maya scoffs at the idea.

Carina chuckles. “You’re not that bad, bambina.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “I’m literally asking you if these shirts are alright for me to wear. Or which one you like better. It is that bad.”

Carina grins, raising her taco to her lips. “They are both good, bella. You will look good in them.”

“Thank you.” Maya huffs. She puts the shirts on the back of the chair and sits next to Carina at the table.

“Tell me about your day while I eat.” Carina requests.

Maya puts her hand on Carina’s thigh and angles herself towards the brunette a bit before going into detail about her day.


The decision has been made that Katherine is to move out. She’s got a job working as a cook in the kitchen at an elementary school cooking and feeding kids breakfast and lunch.

Maya can’t stand it any longer. She doesn’t want to throw her mom out on the street, and she wants to support her, but the woman is always around. She doesn’t have any friends. Her job has her working from six in the morning until two in the afternoon most weekdays. It doesn’t appear that the woman has any hobbies other than knitting and there’s only so much knitting someone can do. Most of the rest of her time is spent in the apartment. She’ll be in the guest bedroom, or in the living room watching something on tv, or in the kitchen trying to figure out something to make. And Maya just can’t have her in all of her space all the time.

So, they sat down one day and discussed the possibility of Katherine moving into her own place.

Katherine was skeptical at first. It seems like such a daunting task. But she’s making money for the first time in her life. She’s making a few acquaintances at work, people who could potentially be friends down the line. But she doesn’t have enough money yet to rent her own place.

Maya and Carina agree to help her out. Maya’s idea to push her mom out of the nest, so to speak. They’ll pay the first and last months rent that is required by most landlords upfront and then they pay for the first six months.

There Saturday is spent touring a few small studio or one bedroom apartments that aren’t crazy in price range. Something that Katherine will be able to afford once she has to start paying for rent herself.

“I like this one.” Carina says. She likes that it has an actual kitchen in it and it’s not just a small oven crammed into too small of counter space like the other two places that they’ve looked at. She walks around the rest of the apartment.

Maya leans up against the counter. “What do you think?”

Katherine hums about the apartment. Her mind is stuck on the thought of living by herself. She’s never done that. And it’s scary.

“Do you think your father will find me?”

Maya’s eyes nearly pop out of her head with the question her mother is asking. “I sure hope not.”

“I know you don’t want to talk about him.” Katherine mumbles and looks down at the floor. They haven’t talked about Lane in all the weeks Katherine has been staying with Maya and Carina. Just mention here and there but nothing other than that.

“No, I don’t.” Maya’s eyelid twitches a little at the stress at the possibility of her father coming to look for her or her mother. “He’s in my past and, as far as I’m concerned, he’s going to stay there. I don’t need him ruining my life. What I’ve got now is amazing. He almost made me ruin things with Carina once. That’s not happening again.” She tells her mother resolutely.

Maya folds her arms across her chest. “And as far as him finding you. Keep a low profile. That shouldn’t be too hard. His best bet of finding you is through me and I’m not going to allow that to happen. That being said. If he does, don’t let him convince you of anything. You are not better off living with him. You are your own person. You’re not his servant or maid or whatever your relationship with him was.”

Katherine cowers at Maya harsh words.

Maya notices this and softens. “Look, you can be free from his abuse now. I’m free and you’re free and it’s scary. I know it is. He had a very strong hold over both of us. Mason had the right idea to leave when he did. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t more helpful to you. I was dealing with my own crap. When you came to the station and told me you were in therapy and that you had left him, I was mad. I was mad that you could do that, but I couldn’t. I was scared. I was scared that I didn’t know what I would be without him. And as Carina pointed out, I was in denial. I didn’t want to deal with it. I thought if I just ignored him than all the crap that he did would somehow fade. But Carina was right. Cuz Carina is usually right.”

“What am I right about?” Carina steps out of the bedroom and back into the kitchen with Maya and her mother.

Maya holds her arm out. “That my father abused me.”

Carina smiles sadly and settles at Maya’s side, putting her hand on her shoulder as Maya wraps her arm around Carina’s waist.

“I don’t want to tell you want to do but Carina and I are here to support you in whatever you might need. We get it.” Maya turns her head and looks into Carina’s wholesome brown eyes. Carina nods in agreement. “Don’t hesitate-“ She looks back to her mom. “-to call us. Or come over. Or anything.”

Katherine nods. “Thank you both, so much.”

“Aww.” Carina holds out her arm.

Katherine steps towards them and Carina and Maya each wrap and arm around her.

“I think I like this one the most.” Katherine whispers to them.

“Good. So, are we signing a lease?”

They all pull apart. Katherine nods, bashfully. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Alright.” Maya steps away from the pair. “I’ll go find Fred or Floyd or Frank or whatever f-ing name he has.” She goes out into the hallway to find the man that was showing them the apartment. She finds him down at the far end of the hall and tells him the good news.

Katherine sings a one year lease and is set to more in in two weeks. After the lease is signed, they head towards a furniture store.

“So, there’s one more thing.” Carina says as she pulls into the parking lot.

“Since you are starting fresh.” Maya avoids using the words starting over. “We thought you need a few things. Like a chair and a stand for a tv. A bedframe and mattress. A small set of drawers for your clothes. Just a few things.”

“We can’t have you sleeping on the floor.” Carina grins, trying to keep things light. She can see the tears in Katherine’s eyes though as she looks in the rearview mirror at her mother-in-law.

Maya hops out as soon as Carina stops the car. She looks up at the big building with her hands on her hips. She hates shopping. It takes Maya lots of time to make a decision and often times she’ll look at all of her options and then go home and do some research and think everything over before making a decision. She knows this isn’t for her though and that they need to purchase this stuff today. They only have two weeks until Katherine moves in. That’s a bit of a rush for furniture to arrive in time. She just hopes that if it is a few days longer than two weeks that her mother won’t need to continue to sleep at their place. Either way, they need to get some furniture.

“And you can’t have the stuff from our spare bedroom.” Maya says mostly to herself and rounds the car. She picks up her wife’s hand and they wait for her mother to be ready to go into the store.

Katherine is overwhelmed by Maya and Carina’s generosity. “I really don’t know how to thank you both.”

Maya is partly doing all this because she can’t stand living with her mother anymore. It’s been nice to get to know each other again and connect but there’s only so much of that she can handle. They’ve never had a close relationship so to be forced to live together now almost makes that relationship feel even more strained than it had been. She also still feels like her mother is watching her and judging her.

Carina is doing it simply out of generosity. “You can repay us by keeping yourself well and keeping in contact.” She wants Maya to have a relationship with her mother. No matter what it looks like. She doesn’t want them to go months or years without talking to each other or seeing each other. She wants to facilitate that. She also is doing it for selfish reasons, since her own mother is gone. She wants to be able to have someone in her life that is like a mother. “We should have dinner together once a week.” She squeezes Maya’s hand at this idea.

That sounds like a lot to Maya. “Once every two weeks. I’m very busy.”

Carina laughs. “Okay, bella. Every two weeks.”

“That would be wonderful.” Katherine coos.

“Now let’s find some furniture.” Carina is excited about this part of her adventure today; even though the furniture isn’t for her. It marks a new beginning for Katherine and that’s exciting.


“Shit.” Maya is polishing the engine when she sees the chief walk by behind it with a man that she doesn’t recognize. They don’t stop to talk to her though. They keep walking through towards reception. Maya puts her rag down and peeks around the back end of the ladder truck to try to see where the duo went.

They have entered the captain’s office and are talking with Jack.

“What’s up, Bishop?” Montgomery asks, coming around from the other side of the engine where he was working.

“The chief is here with someone.”

“Do you think it’s about your investigation?” Travis comes to stand behind Maya and peeks around the corner of the ladder truck with her. “Oh, they’re talking to Gibson.”

Maya hums. She tries to figure out what they are talking about, but no obvious clues arise from their body language.

Then Jack nods and moves towards the door.

“Shit.” Maya mumbles and ducks behind the truck.

Gibson comes into the barn. “Line up.” His tone even, he’s eyes downcast as he gives them the order, and then walks back out.

Maya and Travis line up and soon the rest of the crew is joining them. Gibson comes in last, then followed by Chief McCallister and the guy Maya doesn’t recognize.

“Alright, everybody. This is Sean Beckett. Station 19’s new captain. Gibson is being reinstated in his role as lieutenant. Have a good day.” The chief turns and walks out.

“Get back to work.” Beckett orders.

He and Jack walk out of the room first. Jack having to spend the next few hours showing Beckett around and filling him in on the happenings of the house.

Maya hangs her head as everyone files out around her. She stays rooted to her place for a few minutes, trying not to panic. The thought of a new captain doesn’t sit easy with her. The fact that McCallister didn’t address her, or her investigation doesn’t sit well with her. The abruptness with which this happened feels is like a punch to the chest. It sucks all the air from her lungs.


Maya is mad about the whole lieutenant thing. She’s mad that the chief has brought in a new captain, Beckett, to replace Jack, who is replacing her. She wonders what it means that Beckett has been brought in. She assumes that it doesn’t mean anything good for her. How can it? The chief has replace Jack’s temporary captain position with someone more permanent. How is she going to be put back in that position if there’s someone already filing it?

She’s got the day off and Carina was working. She gets absolutely plastered. Drunk off her ass.

Maya is lying on the couch, a beer bottle still in her hand and many empty bottles on the floor next to the couch, when the door opens.

“Maya?” Carina questions quietly. This isn’t normal behavior as far as Carina knows. She’s never come home to see Maya drunk. When they went out before Covid, sure they had a few drinks and a good time, but this is something different.

She sits down on the edge of the couch, next to Maya’s hip. She runs a hand over her back softly, concerned. “Bambina?” She tries to wake the blonde.

Maya groans and tries to shrug Carina’s hand off of her back. Carina frowns and goes to get a glass of water for her wife. She knows Maya has been adjusting to the changes at work and has been trying to fit in with the crew again as just another firefighter and not the captain, and it isn’t always easy. She comes back with the water and sits down again. “Hey, can you sit up?”

“Let me just lay here and wallow in my self-pity.” Maya says, fairly coherently.

Carina would have thought by the sight of the half dozen beer bottles that Maya would be completely plastered.

“When did you start drinking?” Carina wonders.

“I went to pick up a six pack after you went to work this morning.”

“Oh, bambina.” Carina sighs.

Maya opens an eye and looks over at Carina with it. “I drank them all and then passed out.”

“Drink this, please.” Carina offers the glass of water.

Maya pushes herself up from her flat position and shuffles onto her side, and then back, and then rest with her back against the arm of the couch. She holds one hand to her forehead and holds the other out for the glass. “I’m sorry.” She mumbles before taking a big gulp of water.

“For what?” Carina asks.

“For you having to see me like this. I thought if I started early that I would be good when you got home from work.” She had it all planned out. The only problem was she didn’t wake up from trying to sleep off her drunken stupor soon enough.

“So, you’re trying to hide your drinking from me?” Carina furrows her brow together. She doesn’t know or understand what is going on with Maya and it’s alarming to see this.

“It won’t happen again. But yeah. I just-“ Maya shrugs and takes another drink. “I feel so out of place at work. It’s not as bad as when I started back up. I can’t stand Sullivan he acts like nothing happened. I know he blames me for Andy getting re-stationed. I still haven’t talked to Andy about all this. I haven’t seen her, and I don’t know how to reach out to her. I blame myself for her getting transferred too. And no one at the station talks about it. Or if they do, it’s behind my back. I don’t know. And it’s been weeks and I haven’t heard anything about the investigation. I know I can’t know but I want to know how it’s progressing. I want to know if the chief has talked to everyone yet. And no one will talk about it and it’s just all sorts of awkward. And then on top of all of that, the chief came in yesterday with our new captain. A new captain, Carina. He didn’t say anything about the investigation. Just introduced the new captain, set Gibson back to lieutenant, and left. And I don’t like him. The new captain. He seems like an arrogant asshole.” She finishes off her glass of water.

“So, I feel like I’ve failed or I’m failing or I don’t even know. A new captain can’t mean anything good for me to get the position back, can it? I don’t think so. I just wanted to drown myself in alcohol, so I didn’t have to think about it today. So, I’m sorry.” Maya picks at the lint on her sweatpants. “I know it’s not a good coping mechanism.”

Carina knows this too. But as long as it’s only one day she’s not going to be concerned about it. Maya explained herself and that’s good enough for today. “You can talk to me about these things. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Maya sighs. “It’s just so much. Like, I know you don’t want to have to hear me bitching and moaning about it all the time.”

Carina smiles. “I love when you bitch and moan.”

Maya chuckles a little.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I spent all morning drinking. Bloated. A headache.”

“I’ll make you some rice and beans. You want to take a shower? And maybe change. You’ll feel better after that.”

“Do I stink?” Maya grins guiltily.

Carina nods. “Brush your teeth, bambina.” She tells her affectionately. “Or no kisses.” Carina gets to her feet, holding out a hand for Maya to take, which Maya does, and Carina pulls her up from the couch. She presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek and squeezes her hand before stepping away to cook them some dinner.

Maya showers and comes to the kitchen. She wraps her arms around Carina from behind and leans into her body, her cheek presses against her back. “I brushed my teeth.” Carina giggles and it sends chills through Maya’s body.

Carina’s left hand finds Maya’s on her stomach.

“I’m just frustrated that the investigation has taken this long. It’s been two months. How long can it take? Six weeks? It can’t be that hard. He just has to talk to everyone and review the report. He was fucking there, on scene. He saw what happened with his own eyes. I refused a direct order from him. It’s not that hard. I just want to know.”

“I know you do.” Carina says. “I know.” It’s starting to get frustrating for Carina too. She is impacted too. It’s not her job, but it affects her life. It’s affected their relationship. They are in this standstill. Nothing is moving forward. It’s just a waiting game. So that’s all very frustrating. “But can we just have a nice evening. Eat our dinner and not think about it anymore?”

“Yeah.” Maya commits to that.

Notes:

About the show, Jack should totally NOT be the donor. For obvious reasons. It’s disrespectful and harmful. And the damage is already done.
But…
Maya and Carina have chosen Jack as their donor. And that’s their decision (the writer’s decision).
The problems with this storyline are in the writing of it. (Other than Jack, the cheating) It could've been so beautiful. How the writers spent six episodes or so on sperm. How they made Carina seem like jack is the greatest person alive and hasn’t harmed her in any way in the past (yes I know the blame is on Maya for the cheating but he was a participant in that and isn’t completely without fault). How they’ve used language like father and dad and third parent and part of the family in regards to Jack. The writing and language are all wrong. (but that’s the story they are telling) So I don’t know where all that leads but at the end of the day it’s just a tv show. And if it’s affecting anyones (mental) health it’s okay not to watch anymore, not to engage on social media. Health is more important than a silly tv show.
At this point the show (runners, writers) doesn’t care about the fans input and it’s either move on and not watch or come to terms with it and continue watching. The message from the show is that families come in all shapes and sizes that maya jack and carina are going to have a baby together and be a family and that’s the story and it’s not changing so accept it.
PS I know not everyone agrees I don’t agree with jack being the donor (It doesn’t make any sense from multiple angles) but it’s not my story, I’m not writing it. But if anyone can make a shit storyline into something worth watching it might just be Stefania and Danielle. They work well with what they are giving, no matter what it is. So i will continue to watch for them.

Chapter 47

Notes:

Thanks as always for reading, and kudos, and comments. Much gratitude.

-Maya has an appointment with Dr. Lewis. She sits down for breakfast with Andy. She also brings Carina lunch at work. and a few little things in between. And i'm dropping a few little nuggets (or foreshadowing) for future chapters.

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Maya sent Dr. Lewis an email three days ago about setting up another appointment. So now she sits in the reception area waiting for her appointment time.

The door swing open. Dr. Lewis smiles kindly. “Good to see you again Maya.”

Maya stands and walks towards the doctor. “You too.” She feels a little awkward. It’s been a whiles since she’s seen the doctor. Maya wonders if the doctor is going to scold her for that or if that is a negative in the therapy world.

Dr. Lewis offers Maya a seat before going to sit in an arm chair a few feet away. “So, lets start out by you telling me why you stopped coming.”

There it is.

Maya sighs. The doctor making her feel guilty right away. “Well, I got married and demoted. On the same day. And then my mom came to live with me and my new wife two days later. There’s been a lot keeping me busy.”

Diane is shocked. “Wow, that’s a lot of change all at once.” She taps a pen against her knee.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m back. I could handle the marriage part. That’s the easy part. But it’s the other things like my mom, and by extension my dad, that are a problem. Also, everything with work.” Now that Maya is saying it out loud, she realizes just how much she’s been dealing with. It’s been a lot and it’s definitely weighed her down.

“That’s why I’m here. We can talk and work through it all.”

“Good, cuz I think it’s starting to worry Carina.” Maya admits. She doesn’t want Carina to have to worry about her or her mental health.

“How so?”

“Well-“ Maya rubs her hand on the back of her neck. “The other day I was drunk when she got home from work. That was an obvious concern. But like things are different and I wouldn’t say bad, but all this crap has, I feel like, affected our relationship. And I’m sure it’s going to. How can it not, right?”

Dr. Lewis hums. “I’m going to suggest something, and you don’t have to agree but would it be alright if we invited Carina to one of your sessions?”

“Yeah.” Maya doesn’t need time to think about the question. It’s an automatic answer.

“Okay. Next session then.” Dr. Lewis writes that down. “Do you want to ask her or should I?”

“I’ll do it.” Maya offers.

“Wonderful. Now let’s get back to you.”


Carina is slathering her body in lotion before bed. “How was your session today?”

“Good.” Maya says quickly. “There was lots to talk about.”

“So, it helped?” Carina caps her lotion and moves towards the bed.

Maya waggles a finger at her. “Don’t come at me all greasy like that. Put some clothes on.”

Carina laughs. “But, bambina, you love my body.”

“I do. Very much. But that doesn’t mean I like you rubbing your greasy lotion all over the sheets and me.” Maya holds the sheets down against the mattress on Carina’s side of the bed.

Carina shakes her head affectionately. She might never get over Maya and her intricacies. But she loves Maya’s intricacies, so it really doesn’t matter. She moves to put a t-shirt on and comes back to the bed.

Maya narrows her eye but is satisfied enough. She would also prefer pajama pants or shorts but beggars can’t be choosers. And if she wants her wife in bed with her, which she really does, than she’ll have to make a compromise. She flips the sheets up on Carina’s side of the bed and smiles.

Carina rolls her eyes playfully and slips into bed. She saddles up next to Maya, on her side, her hand slipping over Maya’s abdomen in the process. “I love you.” She whispers.

Maya hums. “And I love you.”

“And I’m super duper proud of you.” Carina rubs the tip of her nose against the upper part of Maya’s arm.

Maya smiles a little and Carina’s cute wording. “That I went to therapy?” Carina nods. Maya knows now is the time to bring up asking Carina to go with her to a session but for some reason the words don’t want to just come out of her mouth. There is a hesitation. There is reservation. There is something that Maya doesn’t want Carina to see about her in therapy. She knows it’s silly because Carina knows more about her than anyone else on this planet. Carina would never judge her but there just something that’s that little bit more vulnerable about having Carina there that gives her pause.

“Dr. Lewis, uh-“ She huffs out a frustrated breath. “Just say it.” She tells herself.

Carina quirks an eyebrow. The thought occurs to her that maybe Maya doesn’t want to tell her whatever happened in therapy today. She knows she shouldn’t push but she just wants to know that it went alright and that it was helpful. She just cares, that’s all.

Maya laces her fingers with Carina’s on her stomach. The small touch of Carina’s grip, the security of the handhold pushes her forward. “I want you to come to my next session.”

“Oh.” Carina didn’t think that was what Maya was trying to tell her. She sits up and frowns.

“No, no, no. Nothing bad.” Maya leans forward her back coming off the headboard. “You don’t have to- you don’t need to-“ Maya takes a deep breath, collecting her thoughts. “Dr. Lewis thought it would be a good idea. I do too.” Maya knows there are some things that Carina probably should know and that in therapy they can discuss them in that controlled environment with the help of Dr. Lewis. “Some things- you know I want to tell you stuff. Everything. But that doesn’t always come easy. And sometimes I can’t do it. And I’ve learned some things about myself in therapy that you should probably know. Nothing bad, or too bad, I don’t think. Not like I’m a secret serial killer or something.”

Carina smirks and rolls her eyes at that. She sighs and settles back down at Maya’s side.

Maya wraps an arm around her wife pulling her more onto her chest. “What do you say?”

She realizes that she didn’t give Maya an answer. “Of course, bambina.”

The blonde nods, resolutely. “I’ll set up a time that works for both of us.”


At first, it was weird not to see Andy every day. Vic would whine about it constantly. And every time she did, if Sullivan was in her presence, he would glare at Vic. Maya picked up on this, she noticed this. The thing about Maya is that very little gets past her. She’s intuitive. She’s very observant of her surroundings and the people in them.  She’s got her own shit going on and she’s been treading lighter around everyone at the station, but she doesn’t miss anything. The dynamic is off with the team. That’s for sure. And it has been since their first shift after Maya and Carina’s wedding, even before Maya’s return.

Maya knows something is up though. Anytime anyone mentions Andy in recent weeks Sullivan is silent. He has zero to say about his wife. Maya definitely isn’t going to ask him about it. She has her suspicions, though. She thinks about asking Andy, but she hasn’t been in contact with Andy really. Which is a little sad, but Maya feels terrible for basically getting Andy restationed. If they had just stayed at the wedding, and not stormed the chief’s office, maybe they would both still have their former jobs. Maya doubts it though, at least on her end. But Andy could still be at 19.

It’s been a quiet morning at the station. Maya shoots off a text to Andy asking if they can meet up for coffee or breakfast or something.

Andy texts back almost immediately. And I thought you forgot about me.

Maya frowns. No. She types out and shakes her head. There’s just a lot going on. She sends the message. She doesn’t want Andy thinking it’s just some excuse, so she adds to it. With my mom moving in and living with us and being newly married and getting demoted and then my mom moved out. I’ve truly been busy.

Andy knows. She knows the shit that went down in the chief’s office. She knows it’s going to affect Maya. She replies. I truly can’t say I’ve been the same. So that excuse doesn’t work for me. I’m on shift now. You?

Yep. Maya texts back.

Andy knows what has to happen next. Meet for breakfast in the morning?

Maya smiles. Great. Prefect.

With that set, Maya then typed out a message to her wife. I’m having breakfast with Andy tomorrow morning so probably won’t see you before you go to work.

Carina texts back with a sad face emoji and then the words. I’m glad. Have a good time. Tell Andy I say hi.

“What are you smiling about, Bishop?” Beckett asks as he walks through the beanery. “That hot sexy doctor wife of yours send you some sexts.”

The legs of Mayas chair scrape against the floor as she gets up and crosses the room towards the captain. Dean is quick to chase after her; wrapping an arm around her midsection before she can reach Beckett and throw a punch or scratch his eyeballs out.

“Let go of me, Miller.” Maya yells.

Beckett calmly grabs an apple, biting into it. “Easy there, tiger.” He smirks.

“Don’t you dare talk about my wife like that.” Maya points an angry finger at him. She struggles against Dean’s hold on her.

“Or what?” He knows she can’t do anything to him without losing her job completely. He could have Maya fired so fast and they both know it.

Maya fumes. “She’s my wife.”

Beckett nods. “Got it.” She walks back to his office.

Dean waits until he is long out of sight. “Go cool off, Bishop.” He says and releases her.

Maya storms off, full of anger and rage at her captain. She changes and goes to the gym and gets on the treadmill. She runs and runs until she too tired to be physically angry anymore. She’s just got a permanent scowl on her face as she goes to shower quick and change back into her work uniform.

When she talks to Carina that night, she doesn’t do much talking. She just listens to Carina’s day and hums along.

Carina picks up on this. “What’s up, bambina? You’re very quiet tonight.”

Maya shrugs, feeling stupid about it now. “It’s nothing. It was just- something happened here this morning and it made me angry. But I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Can you tell me?” Carina asks cautiously.

“No.” Maya let’s out a shaky breath. Carina is going to think worse things about her. First the asking her to therapy and telling her she’s not letting her know everything that’s going on and now not telling her this. “I really can’t. Cuz I’ll be angry all over again. And I don’t want that.”

“Are you alright?” Carina asks. She wishes she could just go down to the station and she would find Maya in her office, and they could just sit or they could lay in the bunk together. There’s no privacy for them at the station anymore.

“I’m okay. I feel okay.” Maya feels unsteady but she’s sort of felt that way on and off since their wedding. “I’m meeting Andy in the morning.”

“Good bambina. Good.” Carina pouts. “I’m sad I’ll miss you, though.”

“Me too. But I should be home when you get home from work tomorrow.”

Carina hums. “Molto bene.”

Maya closes her eyes at the Italian words. “Can you talk to me in Italian until I fall asleep?” Maya whispers to make sure no one else hears.

“Si, bella.”


Maya waits at the diner that they agreed to. She wonders what is taking Andy so long. She knows the woman has to travel a little further than she did but Maya’s been here for five minutes already. So expects Andy to be here by now.

The Latina rushes in two minutes later. “Sorry, I’m late.” She says in a flurry as she sits down.

Maya hums as she takes in Andy’s appearance. She seems a little different, but Maya doesn’t know why.

They don’t start up any serious conversation until after they order their breakfast.

“So, uh, I’ve been avoiding you.” Andy fesses up.

Maya wrinkles her eyebrows together. She had all of her stuff going on; but never thought for a moment that Andy could not be in contact for a reason.

“I was mad and avoiding you.”

“Mad?” Maya thinks about everything briefly. “At me?”

Andy chuckles at Maya’s confusion. “After your wedding-“ She realizes that Maya has no idea what she’s referring to. That Robert hasn’t confessed to anything. She shakes her head. It’s very much like him. He works with Maya on a daily basis and yet he has kept his mouth shut about the role he played in Maya getting demoted. Yes, she and Maya and Carina going to the chief’s office also had a role in that. But the initial act of having Maya removed as captain came after Robert went to the chief.

She knows now that she’s the only one who knows that the meeting between her husband and the chief even took place. Other than the two men.

Andy leans forward in her seat, hands folded together on the tabletop. “Maya, has Robert said anything to you about your demotion?”

“No.” Maya’s confusion only grows. They aren’t exactly friends. They are work colleagues and not much more, but Sullivan hasn’t brought it up. Neither has Maya because, other than right now, she hasn’t talked about her demotion with anyone but Carina.

Andy shakes her head, disappointed, but not surprised that she is the one to say something. He, as a man, should admit to his part in this but clearly, he hasn’t. “I have something I have to tell you.” Andy pauses. She knows telling Maya this is likely to send the woman into a tailspin or at the very least a fit of anger.

Maya sits forward now too. She’s not sure what Andy is about to say but she has a feeling that whatever it is involves the woman’s husband and her job and possibly Andy’s as well.

“I want to preface all this by saying that it was your wedding day, and I didn’t want to have that ruined in any way.”

“Well, it was anyway so whatever you are about to say just say it.”

“That morning, Sullivan told me that he had a meeting the previous day with the chief. Apparently, to discuss replacing you or something. I’m not entirely sure what was said between the two. But basically, he went in and said that 19 would be better off if he was running things. He was worried about me or my job or something. He’s stuck on this whole 19 is your house, your family, your legacy thing. Stupid men. So, he was going to save that. Something about the station possibly being shut down. I don’t know if that is true or not. But he volunteered himself to be the next captain at 19.”

Maya can’t believe this information. She can’t believe she didn’t know this until now. Months have passed since the wedding. She’s not sure if there is anything she can say right now.

“Whether that’s what the chief wanted to hear or not, I, also, don’t know.” Andy reaches across the table, a hand extended towards Maya. “But whatever he decided after that regarding you as captain was at the very least influenced by that conversation. In Sullivan’s eyes, I’m sure, he thought he was doing a good thing. For me, at least. But I didn’t ask him to do that, I didn’t want him to do that. And I want you to know Maya that, I did know about this conversation, but I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want it to ruin your big day.”

Maya nods at that. Maybe if she had found out that Andy knew the day of the wedding and that Andy didn’t tell her, she would’ve been mad about it, but not now. She understands where her friend is coming from. She understands that she was put in a difficult situation.

The blonde former captain thinks about Sullivan and how now, in hindsight, it seems like he’s been avoiding her. It’s not like they sat together and played card games or watched sports together, but he has been strangely absent from her presence.

“I was so mad at him.” Andy says. “That day. And pretty much every day since.”

Maya is astonished. She didn’t know any of this. And Sullivan and Andy have been keeping it from her for months.

“The chief asked him what he would do, and Sullivan offered himself up.” Andy adds, almost as an added afterthought.

“You keep saying Sullivan.” That isn’t lost on Maya.

Andy sighs heavily. “I’ve been dealing with my own shit. Not like you, but I don’t know if I can trust him. He says what he was doing was for me. But I live in the shadow of my father’s legacy whether I want to or not. So that hangs over this too. He tried to use that on me to get me on his side about going to the chief. I tried to use that legacy when we went to the chief to help you and look where it got us. I want to be done doing that. I want to do things that represent me, not my father, or Sullivan, or anyone else. I’m trying to keep my head down and put the work in at 23. Not ride on someone else’s coattails. If I become captain one day, I want it to be on my own merit, not because of my father, or because Sullivan got me the spot, or because everyone thinks I just automatically deserve it.”

Maya can appreciate that.

“I’m not speaking with him. I’m not anything with him. He went behind me back and your back and everyone’s back to put himself or me, I’m still not exactly sure what he’s angle was, in position of captain. He says one thing but I’m not sure if that’s the truth. Anyway, I- I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry, Andy.” Maya frowns hearing that her friend is having marriage problems.

Andy sighs. “It’s not your fault.”

Maya feels like maybe it is. But she doesn’t voice that opinion.

After that, they chat about how things are going at 23. Andy tells Maya it’s just a bunch or rowdy boys and that she’s surprised they can get anything accomplished. Andy asks how 19 is. Maya says it’s different without Andy there.

Maya goes home after and thinks about everything that Andy told her. She’s even more sad now than she was about losing her position before. She knows now that there were other factors, other influences than just the things she said and did. She’s not sure how she feels about that. She tells Carina about her conversation with Andy and everything she learned today as soon as Carina is in the door from work.

She also decides to sit on the information for a while. She doesn’t want to just go into work and air all her issues with Sullivan in front of everyone. She does think that everyone should know though. So they know who they are working with, what kind of man Sullivan is. But she’ll have to choose when and how she tells her crewmates carefully.


Carina is at work, in her office. Maya comes in on a day off and brings lunch for them. They eat at Carina’s desk with Maya sitting across from her.

“Are we going to do anything for Halloween?” Carina asks as the holiday quickly approaches.

“Do they celebrate Halloween in Italy?” Maya is serious about learning Carina’s culture.

 The doctor shrugs one shoulder. “It’s mostly for kids. “They go tricking and treating.”

Maya grins at her cute wife. “So, no adult parties?”

Carina shrugs again. “Somewhere, probably, sure. But as an adult I never really went to any and then I moved here and the first Halloween I was shocked just how much Americans got into it.”

“It’s mostly an excuse for girls to dress up in costumes that they couldn’t get away with wearing out in public most of the time. Or an excuse for people to get wasted and less to do with Halloween itself.”

Carina challenges Maya. “Which is?” She smirks.

Maya opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. “You want me to define Halloween?”

Carina nods, eagerly. So Maya has to think for a moment. “All hollows eve. Followed by all saint’s day and then all souls day, in the church. So, I guess that’s where the ghosts and goblins come in, right?” She’s trying to suss out the definition of Halloween herself.

Carina asks again. “Are we, or the station, doing anything for Halloween?”

“Is the hospital?” Maya shoots back.

Carina smiles a hopeful little smile. “Just the staff, because of Covid. There is a little gathering for the staff and their families, all the kids from the daycare. Candy, masks, costumes, punch. In the cafeteria. On Halloween night.” Carina twists her hips a bit, biting her lip.

Maya takes her in, realizing what Carina is not saying. “You want me to come?” This would be a first. Maya coming to a hospital function as a family member, as Carina’s wife.

Carina shrugs. “It could be fun. You wouldn’t even have to dress up. You could just come in your fire turnouts. The kids will like that.”

Maya chuckles. “That would be dressing up.” She disagrees.

Carina tilts her head to the side. “Yes, but not as something else.” Carina wants to do this. They haven’t had a lot of fun in recent months. Since the wedding, really. It’s just a few hours, one night. “You’re not working that day, are you?” Carina already checked Maya’s schedule; she knows she’s not. The knowing smirk on Carina’s lips reveals that.

Maya grins, big. “You already know that I’m not.” She kicks her toe against the floor. This is kind of exhilarating right now. Flirting? Is she flirting with her wife? Is that what this is? Carina just nods and licks her lips. Maya finally catches on. Two can play at this game. “Are you asking me to the Halloween party, Ms. DeLuca?” Maya smiles her most charming, dazzling smile.

Carina raises an eyebrow. “I don’t know who that is. Who you are referring?”

Maya looks the name tag on Carina’s white lab coat. “Your name tag says DeLuca.”

Carina nods. “It also says doctor.” She points to her name and title. “But no Miss.” She shakes her finger at Maya.

“Mrs?” Maya bites her lip.

“Why are you asking?” Carina asks.

Maya throws her head back and groans playfully. “Ahh, you’re killing me.”

Carina laughs and gets up from her chair. She rounds the desk and stands next to the chair that Maya is sitting in. “Bambina?” She whispers. “Can we?”

Maya pulls her head back and looks at Carina. “Are you going to dress up?”

Carina holds her arms out at her sides. “As a hot doctor, duh.”

Maya moans. “And fulfill my every fantasy?”

Carina smirks. “Every?”

Maya nods.

“And is it really a fantasy?”

Maya shakes her head. “No.” She stands up and steps in front of Carina, putting a hand on her stomach, coaxing her backwards gently until the Italian is leaning against the edge of her desk. “Cuz I get the real deal. And nothing could be better than that.” She moves her hand to Carina’s hip. “Now could it?” She asks.

Carina shakes her head. Mesmerized by the blonde in front of her. The feel of Maya’s hand on her hip. The feel of Maya slowly pressing against her and moving in for a kiss. She closes her eyes in anticipation of a kiss. But it doesn’t happen.

Maya hovers there, her eyes flitting around to every inch of Carina’s face, taking in her beauty, her anticipation, how she has her eyes closed, her lips pursed. “You have yourself a date doctor.” Maya seals her words with a kiss.

Carina’s hands find Maya’s shoulders, holding her there, holding herself upright, holding on so she doesn’t lose all control. She hums against Maya’s lips. “Maya.” She mumbles.

Maya smirks and pulls away so she kind find those magnificent brown eyes. “Are you really going to dress up or come like this?” She looks down. Down from Carina’s face, down her slender neck, across the collar of her flowy blouse, between their bodies and the open lapels on Carina’s lab coat. “Or something else?”

“What do you want?” Carina quirks an eyebrow.

Maya’s eyes snap back up. She bites her lip. “You could wear a trash bag and I would be more than happy with that.”

Carina chuckles. “I love you, bambina.”

“Good. Cuz I kind of love you too.” Maya rolls her head to the side.

“Thank you for lunch.” Carina smiles thankfully. It just makes her feels so good when Maya does little things like bring lunch on her days off. Or when she rubs Carina’s feet after she’s been in surgeries all day. Or anything really.

Maya pouts. “Does that mean lunch is over?”

Carina pats lightly at Maya’s cheek. “Si, bambina. I have to get back to work. I have an appointment at one.”

Maya takes a deep breath and lets it out loudly. “Okay, I’ll see you at home tonight.” She slowly backs away from Carina, towards the door.

“Bye, have a good afternoon.” Carina gives a little wave.

“You too, Dr. DeLuca.” She winks and slips out of the room to the sound of Carina laughing lightly.


“Can we go on a honeymoon at some point?” Carina asks. “I know not now with Covid. But maybe after we can be vaccinated.”

Maya is silent. Not because she doesn’t like the idea. A honeymoon might be nice. But she never even thought about going on a honeymoon. Everything has been crazy and with Covid, it’s nearly impossible. “Where would we go?”

“Where would you like to go?”

Here Carina is yet again, asking Maya her thoughts and opinions and wants. She knows Carina enjoys warm vacations. She’s not going to go to the top of a mountain and be able to enjoy it.

Carina shimmies across the kitchen. A wooden spoon in her right hand, the left underneath it to catch any drips. She brings the spoon to Maya’s lips. “Assaggia questo.” Maya opens her lips and Carina dips the front edge of the spoon into Maya’s mouth.

Her eyes close as the flavors hit her tastebuds. “What’s that for?”

“It’s just sauce.” Carina shrugs.

Maya hums. Her eyes flicker over to the stove. She thinks maybe she should be helping. Or maybe she should know more about the ways Carina cooks and why. She makes a mental note to look into it after they are finished with this conversation.

“What about Hawaii?” Maya offers.

Slowly, Carina smiles. “That sounds lovely, bambina.”

Maya nods. Hawaii it is. She makes a note to look into that too. If she knew making vacation decisions with Carina was so easy maybe she would suggest it more often. It’s not like they can go now, but for the future.

Maya spends the rest of her morning looking up hotels and things to do in Hawaii. After bookmarking a bunch of websites to go over later with Carina; she moves on to looking into Italian cooking classes. Something that she could take as a beginner, something that will introduce her to the world of cooking, the world of Italian cooking. Maya wants to do something. Other than simple dishes, Maya isn’t much of a cook. She wants to know more about Carina’s culture too. What better way than a cooking class.

Chapter 48

Notes:

Thanks to all the readers. and all the comments and kudos and hits and such.

Halloween.
I don’t know if there’s any plot here. If there is it’s very little. NSFW.

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Maya shows up at the hospital head to toe in her gear. She makes her way to the cafeteria where Carina said she would meet her when her shift finished at six. Maya is a little early, but she figures she can get a bite to eat or something while she waits.

She walks in and sees the group of kids over in the corner with a station set up for face painting and another for playing with some slimy green goop. That corner of the room is decorated with Halloween themes, so she knows where the party is at. She approaches the group of kids slowly. She knows not to scare them. Not all kids trust or like someone in a uniform than is different from what they see every day.

But as she approaches a little boy comes over to her with wonder in his big blue eyes. “Are you a real fireman?”

Maya chuckles and kneels down on one knee. She takes her helmet off. “I’m not a man. But yes, I’m a real firefighter.”

“Wow.” He gasps.

Maya smiles at the boy as the other kids start to gather around her. This is one of the benefits of the job. Getting to see the excitement on kids face, getting to show off her gear, getting to tell them that they too can be a firefighter when they grow up. Early recruitment never hurts.

She’s an absolute hit with all the kids from the hospital daycare. She puts her helmet on their heads and their teacher takes pictures of Maya with each of them to send to their parents. The best part is their happy faces and excitement. A few little girls ask her if she’s a real ‘girl’ firefighter. She tells them that she is and that they could be too if they wanted to be.

Carina walks into the cafeteria and sees what is happening over in the far corner with the ‘real life’ firefighter. She’s just gotten done with her shift and she said she would meet Maya here, but she didn’t expect to see what she sees now.

Maya is kneeling on the floor as she shows the kids all of the tools and gadgets on her turnout jacket. And then Carina sees it. Laying on the floor. Maya’s axe.

“Holy shit.” Amelia mumbles as she comes into the room behind Carina. “Is that-?”

Carina turns around. “My wife.” She narrows her eyes at Amelia.

“Yeah, yeah.” Amelia waves her friend off and steps further into the room, standing next to Carina. “She’s so-“

“Don’t say it.” Carina warns.

“Sexy.” Amelia practically drools.

Carina laughs. “She is.” She sighs. Especially right now, Carina thinks. With all these kids around her. And how Maya pays attention to each and every one of them when they ask a question. How she’s patient as a little boy tries to pull at the zipper on her jacket. How she lets them wear her helmet and her gloves. She falls even more in love with Maya in that moment. She doesn’t know if it’s just Maya, or if it’s the way Maya interacts with the children, or both, or all of it.

“I’d totally tap that if I had the chance.” Amelia mumbles. “Though maybe I am being too presumptuous. I’d let her do anything to me that she wanted. Look at her.” She stares in awe. “Has she always been that good with kids?” She looks over at Carina trying to gauge Carina’s reaction.

Carina barely registers that Amelia was saying something. But the look the neurosurgeon is giving her is telling Carina that she missed something. “Sorry, what?”

Amelia laughs, loud. “You want to rip those clothes off her right here and now, don’t you?” She can see the look on Carina’s face.

But she isn’t reading Carina quite right. “Not exactly.” It’s more love that Carina feels for Maya right now than anything else. Her wife is unbelievably sexy right now and it’s not just because of what she’s wearing.

Maya looks over after hearing Amelia’s laugh. She spots the woman standing next to her wife. “Excuse me for a moment, little ones.” She gets up, grabbing her axe, and moves closer to the pair of doctors. She smiles as she approaches. “Hey, love.” She puts a hand on Carina’s arm and leans in for a quick kiss.

“Maya.” Carina says a little speechless. She had expected to see Maya, but she’s a little stunned right now, especially after Maya just practically sauntered over to her.

Maya can tell. She lifts her right hand, the one with the axe. “You wanted to see my axe.” She smirks.

“Holy shit.” Amelia’s knees get weak.

“Hello, Amelia.” Maya’s eyes glance over at the other doctor, the smirk never leaving her face.

“Hello, Mrs. DeLuca?” Amelia bites her lip around a smirk.

Maya smirks and looks back to her wife, leaving Amelia’s comment alone. This little game with her wife is more than pleasant. “So, what’s on tap here? Dinner? Or is, like, someone coming by with a pumpkin pail full of candy. How does this go?”

Carina runs her hand over the side of Maya’s head, over her hair that’s pulled back into a low ponytail. She doesn’t see Maya like this very often. Not in her full gear. Her uniform, yes. Full turnout gear, no. Her eyes slip down to the axe in Maya’s hand. The wooden handle and the head with the American flag on it.

Maya raises the axe higher, showing it off.

“It’s very-“ Carina doesn’t know the right word.

“I’m very proud of it.” Maya’s smirk only grows. “Long, slender, just the right size and weight for me.”

“Oh my god.” Amelia walks away. She can’t take it anymore. She might combust on the spot if she doesn’t leave.

Carina pulls Maya into another kiss. The axe pressed against her stomach between them.  As a rule, they don’t kiss each other in front of other people at their places of work but Carina’s thinks this is a good exception. She just got off the clock and Maya’s isn’t working.

Maya giggles as they pull away, as she looks into Carina’s eyes and sees the want and arousal there.

The clattering of Maya’s helmet as it hits the floor gets her attention. She turns and sees a little girl getting upset. She rushes over at the same time as the daycare teacher does. She gets to her knees again. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” She slides the helmet across the floor away from the girl. “You’re okay. It was just loud.” She puts a hand on the girl’s shoulder. The girl bites her lip as the tears stream down her cheeks.

Carina moves to sit at a table with Amelia as she watches Maya handle the situation.

“You’re a very lucky lady.” Amelia smirks.

Carina just nods. She baffled.

“Firefighter Barbie has you all jumbled up. I’ve never seen you like this. So-“ She waves her hand up and down Carina. “-out of it.”

Carina takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. First, it was seeing Maya with the kids, and then seeing Maya’s axe, and now again with the kids. Her mind and heart are racing fast.

Doctor Bailey comes in with two, as Maya predicted, plastic pumpkins full of candy. And one with a non-candy option. That takes the kids attention away from Maya. She gathers her helmet, sticking it on top of her head; grabs her gloves and her axe, and moves away from them.

She goes over to the table that Amelia and Carina are sitting at.

“You’re a hit, Bishop.” Amelia smirks. “And I don’t mean just with the kids.”

Maya hums. She leans her axe, head down on the floor, handle against the table edge. Throwing her gloves on the floor, Maya removes her turnout jacket and puts it on a chair before sitting down carefully. She takes her helmet and sets in in her lap, hands resting on top of it. “Kids always love seeing a firefighter in all the gear. Carina said they would like it.”

“So, that’s why you showed up in all of this?” Amelia scoffs.

“It’s not the only reason.” She smirks over at Amelia.

Amelia just shakes her head.

Carina tucks her hand on the inside of Maya’s right elbow, leaning into her side. She’s completely mesmerized by Maya right now. And Carina doesn’t usually get like this. She’s usually more put together.

“Are we eating here?” Maya turns to her wife to ask.

“Whatever you want, bella.” Carina sighs. She briefly wonders where everyone else is. Teddy and Owen. Their kids are playing over in the corner with everyone else. She thought they would be here. But it is a hospital and unexpected things, and surgeries, happen. There are some other doctors milling about, but none with kids.

“Good, cuz I’m hungry. What do you want?” She asks and moves to get up. She’s in a weird mood. Maya knows why she’s in a weird, restless mood; but she can’t let anyone else know why she’s in a weird, restless mood.

“Mozzarella sticks. And-“

“Fries.” Maya finishes. “Got it.” She winks and gets up, settling her helmet on the table.

Amelia reaches for the helmet, turning it and looking at it. “This is so cool.”

Carina chuckles. “Have you never seen a firefighter up close?”

“No.” She shrugs. “Well, not like this.”

Carina hums. “Well, I will say that Maya’s job does have its perks. But it also has its disadvantages before you get too far along with romanticizing being with a firefighter. It’s not all fun and games.”

“No, but you two are definitely going to have fun and games tonight, aren’t you?” Amelia smiles knowingly.

“Si.” Carina’s eyes settle on Maya’s backside across the cafeteria as she gets them some food. Her navy blue t-shirt tucked into her turnout pants, probably tucked into her regular pants too, the thick suspenders running up Maya’s strong back and disappearing over her shoulders. She fantasizes about pulling those suspenders down and shoving her hand in Maya’s turnout pants.

Maya comes back with the food, and they share mozzarella sticks and French fries. Amelia whines because Maya didn’t bring her anything to eat. And Maya teases ‘you’re not my wife’. They eat with Carina’s hand wrapped around Maya’s elbow.

“Do you want to get your face painted?” Maya asks when they are finished eating.

Carina smiles shyly. “No, bella.”

Maya reaches up and touches Carina’s cheek. “You could get a farfalle right here.”

“What’s that?” Amelia asks in wonder.

“Go find your kid.” Maya looks over at her and smirks.

“Butterfly.” Carina smiles over at Amelia.

“You could pull it off.” Maya goes back to her butterfly talk.

“Grazie.” Carina ducks her head a little.

“Okay, yeah. See you later.” Amelia pushes her chair out and goes to ‘find her kid’. The gushy couple too much for her to handle now. It was fun when it was sexy but now that it’s ooey gooey Amelia isn’t interested. She goes over to the group of kids and picks up Scout. She talks to his teacher and then heads out.

“Did you want some candy?” Carina asks.

Maya hums and looks over to Dr. Bailey. She’s not sure if she wants to approach the woman. Also, Maya doesn’t eat a lot of candy. A chocolate bar here and there but not usually sticky, chewy candy. “I’ll pass.”

“Okay, ready to go home then?”

“I sure am.” Maya gets to her feet. Puts her turnout jacket on and then her helmet and grabs her axe and gloves. “Let’s go.” She throws her axe against her shoulder and holds out her free hand for Carina’s.

They head out to Carina’s car and Carina gets in the driver’s side and Maya the passenger’s. As soon as they get going Carina find Maya’s hand again. Her feelings are all over the place and she wants to keep Maya close.

Seeing Maya with the kids made her feel like she wants to sit Maya down and talk about having kids. No matter what Maya’s reasoning might be for not wanting them, and Carina knows her father is a large part, but it’s obvious that she was fine dealing with the kids at the hospital cafeteria today. Sure, she was in the company of other adults, the daycare teachers, and it was a group of kids, but Maya did all the right things. Especially when the little girl started crying because she dropped Maya’s helmet. Carina feels like Maya would be a wonderful parent. If she said she wanted kids before it was because she wanted them. But seeing Maya today, now she might also want kids to see Maya with them.

She also has that fidgety horny feeling. But that one explains itself. Her sexy wife in her full gear is more than enough of a turn on.

They get home and Carina shuts the car off. She removes her lab coat and tucks it into the backseat of her car. They go inside and take the elevator up. They come across Mrs. Johnson in the hallway.

“Is there a fire?” She questions.

“No ma’am.” Maya pulls her helmet from her head. “Sorry. I dressed up for the kids down at the hospital daycare for Halloween.”

Mrs. Johnson sighs and holds her hand over her heart. “Alright. Have a good evening, dears.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Johnson.” Carina smiles kindly and nods her head. She leads them to the apartment door and unlocks the door.

As soon as they enter and Maya shuts the door, Carina presses her up against it, Maya’s front to the door. Maya laughs as Carina presses into her from behind. “Patience.”

“I am all out.” Carina husks low in her ear. “You’re such a tease. You know how hot you are, right?”

“Maybe.” Maya licks her lips trying to turn her head to see Carina.

“And you axe.” Carina moans, running her hands over Maya’s sides.

“I told you you needed to see my axe sometime.”

Carina grabs Maya by the shoulders and spins her around. Maya’s eyes twinkle with excitement, her toes curl in anticipation, her stomach swirls with arousal, her heart beats wildly in her chest.

Carina grabs the handle of her axe right underneath her own hand. She runs her hand up and down the wood handle loosely. Maya watches with delight and she debates about what she wants to say next. Carina looks up from the axe, connecting her eyes with Maya’s. “You can take it, if you want.” Maya suggests. “Just don’t drop it.”

Carina takes the axe from Maya’s left hand with both hands and takes a step back. It’s heavier than it looks. All the weight in in the head at the end of the handle. She runs one hand over the steel, her thumb stroking over the flag. “It’s beautiful.” Her eyes racking over the whole thing.

“I’ve never had anyone call my axe beautiful before.” Maya smirks. “But I agree.” She takes a step forward and wraps her palm around the handle again. “Here.” She wants to get things moving along here. Enough fascinating over her axe. She has other things that Carina can focus on. Maya gently pulls the axe away and leans it up against the wall. She puts her gloves down there as well and is about to set her helmet down as well. She bends to do so but Carina stops her.

“No, put it back on.”

Maya raises an eyebrow and Carina nods. “This might be the only time we get to do this.” She knows Maya isn’t going to be bringing her full gear home very often or if ever. This could be a one time thing. “Take the jacket off though.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Carina rolls her eyes and Maya just chuckles. Maya moves through the hall into the living room, stepping past Carina as she does so. She pulls her jacket off and lays it over the back of the couch. Putting a hand on it for good measure, to make sure it isn’t going to slip onto the floor. She turns back to Carina and the Italian is shrugging her coat off and hanging it on the hook by the door.

They meet again. Carina’s hands going to the suspenders on Maya’s shoulders. She wraps her hands around the thick straps, running them down over her chest until she reaches the top of Maya’s turnout pants. Her thumb strokes over the little hook that secures the pants closed.

Maya hands find Carina’s elbows, holding onto her there. As much as she can’t wait to see how this plays out, Maya has a certain patience because she knows she has a certain advantage.

Carina slips the hook from the loop and then pulls the Velcro fly apart. Maya closes her eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again. She reaches up with her own hands and slips the suspenders from her own shoulders. Carina lets the material slip away from her fingers, the heavy pants pooling at the floor around Maya’s ankles.

The firefighter puts a steadying hand on Carina’s shoulder and steps from the turnout pants. Feeling lighter, she steps into Carina’s body. “I love you.” She whispers as she pulls the material of Carina’s shirt out from being tucked into her slacks. “I love you, Mrs. Bishop.”

Carina hums, tilting her head to the side. “I do not know about that.” It’s not a subject they’ve decided on. They did decide to keep their last names for professional reasons, but on a more personal level a decision hasn’t been finalized. Maya argues that they don’t need to change their names. Carina would prefer if they had the same last name legally. It’s just so much easier that way. For paperwork purposes on anything in the future. And for other reasons that she hasn’t brought up to Maya yet. “Let’s stick with Dr. DeLuca for now.” They don’t need to be discussing this in the middle of sex.

“Fine.” Maya smiles though. “So, Dr. DeLuca, did you enjoy the Halloween party?”

“I enjoyed you.” Carina hums, her hands find Maya’s waist, running them to Maya’s backside. “My sexy fire- fighter.” She almost says captain and it’s a habit that Carina is going to have to break. She leans into Maya, finding the blonde’s lips with her own, distracting herself and Maya.

Maya plays with the buttons on Carina’s shirt while they kiss, unbuttoning them slowly. Carina’s hands fumble with the belt on Maya’s pants. They are too close together and she can’t get it undone properly so she just flips her hand over so she can rub Maya over her pants. Maya moans into the kiss when Carina presses against her.

“MAYA!” Carina’s head snaps back.

Maya smirks and shrugs.

Carina looks down between them, her hand still over Maya’s crotch. “Dio mio, Maya.”

“A little trick or treat?” Maya grins.

Carina wastes little time undoing the belt, popping the button, and unzipping Maya’s pants. She slips them over Maya’s hips to reveal the blonde in a pair of boxers. Carina looks up, a question in her eyes.

“I needed more room.”

Carina reaches for the appendage hanging between Maya’s legs.

Maya shifts on her feet. “The uh- harness has to be tightened.”

They’ve played and experimented with the strap that they picked out online, but it hasn’t gotten much use yet. Carina had talked about this little fantasy of hers where Maya wore it home from work one day under her uniform. Well, she wasn’t exactly at work, but this seemed like an even better opportunity.

Maya wasn’t working. She hadn’t left work and come right home. She was off and could prepare at home before going to the station and changing into her uniform and putting her turnouts on before going to the hospital for the little Halloween party.

“So, you weren’t talking about your axe earlier?”

Maya shakes her head, bites her lip. “Nope.”

Carina moans. “Bambina.” She kicks her heels off an gets to her knees right then and there in the middle of the living room. She tugs the boxers down revealing the strap and harness. She looks up and sees that Maya is watching her every move. “May I?” She reaches to tighten the harness. Maya nods her head, her helmet wobbling a little as she bobs her head while looking down, but it stays on top of her head.

She sets a hand on Carina’s shoulder as Carina adjusts and tightens the harness. She stands there in her SFD t-shirt and helmet, with her pants around her ankles and boxers pulls halfway down her legs. Carina’s hand wraps around the dildo, her thumb stroking over the tip.

She looks up through her eyelashes; her eyes on Maya’s as she licks her lips and leans forward, lips wrapping around the tip.

Maya’s other hand comes to Carina’s other shoulder as she watches Carina suck on the tip before releasing it. Carina’s hand, strokes over the member lightly, causing a little friction against Maya. The blonde closes her eyes at the feeling.

“You like that, bambina?” Carina whispers. She watches the reaction on Maya’s face when she presses the dildo a little harder into Maya.

Maya moans and nods.

Lips are attached to the head again. Carina takes about half of the length into her mouth before running her tongue along the bottom as she pulls back. She works over the appendage for a few moments, covering it in her saliva.

Carina stands up. This isn’t exactly where she wants Maya. Blowing her in the middle of the living room is one thing, but she has plenty of other ideas and fantasies about this situation. She presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. “Come on, bambina.” She helps Maya out of her pants and removes one of Maya’s hands from her shoulder before walking them into the bedroom. Maya on shaky legs.

Her clothes come off quickly. “Lay down.” Carina nods at the bed as she undresses.

Maya follows instructions well. She watches as her wife slips her panties down her legs, looking as sexy as ever as she does so. She is tempted to run her own hand up and down the shaft of the dildo until Carina is done undressing.

But the Italian is quick, and she is pressing one knee into the bed and then the other, and then she is sitting across Maya’s thighs. Carina leans down, a hand on the center of Maya’s chest for support as her lips find Maya’s in a sloppy, wet kiss. Maya’s hand goes to the back of Carina’s head. Carina cants forward needing more than just wet kisses. Her hands find the harness and loosen it a bit.

Maya hums into the kiss, trying to ask Carina what she is doing. The point of wearing the strap on tonight was to use it. But Carina won’t let her ask and Maya doesn’t protest too much when slender fingers disappearing from the harness.

Carina shifts though, and with one final lick at Maya’s mouth she pulls her face away from Maya’s. She looks down between them and presses the dildo up so it’s laying flat against Maya’s lower abdomen. Carina, then, moves up to sit on top of it, rubbing herself back and forth, covering the strap with her wet juices before lifting her hips and letting it stand at attention.

She reaches up and takes the helmet from Maya’s head and puts it on her own. “Take your shirt off. And strap in.”

Maya does as requested and tries to take the helmet back, but Carina holds it to the top of her head with one hand.

“No.” Carina pouts.

Maya moans, thumping her head back against her pillow as Carina moves, positioning the dildo at her entrance before slowing sinking down onto it. “Perfetto.” She moans out, rolling her hips. She puts her hands on Maya’s chest, working them down until she is grabbing at supple breasts. Maya groans and her hands find Carina’s waist holding her steady for a moment. They both breathe heavily at the different sensation they are feeling.

“Okay?” Maya whispers out.

Carina nods, lifting her hips before setting them back down again until she is flush across Maya’s pelvis.

They work at a rhythm that suits them both. Carina doing most of the work and Maya undulating her hips in time with the Italian goddess that sits atop her.

Maya gives Carina a little warning. “Carina, I-“

“No.” She shakes her head. “Almost there.” She picks up her speed, bouncing against Maya’s lap. Maya flicks over Carina’s clit and that she her coming hard, tipping her head back, moaning louder than maybe Maya has ever heard. Maya comes right with her, bucking her hips, exploding into ecstasy.

It’s a feeling like no other. Maya knows there’s nothing better than both of them coming at the same time. Matching that intensity, that level of release. And when Carina rolls her head forward and the helmet threatens to fall from the top of her head Maya is quick to catch it. Carina wearing nothing but her helmet is enough to fulfill her for years to come.

Maya has had a lot of sex in her day, a lot of one night stands. Some hot hook ups, but none of that compares to Carina. She didn’t realize that for a long time. But this so much more than just sex, it’s the connection they have during sex, it’s the magically feeling of being able to be with Carina over and over again and it being simply amazing every damn time. She had once thought that being with the same person over and over again would grow tired and boring, but being with Carina is anything but.

And then Carina smiles, impish. “Hi.” She whispers.

Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows. “You’re amazing. I love you.”

Carina bites her lip. “I love you, bella.” She rolls her hips and Maya closes her eyes and moans.

Maya wraps an arm around Carina, sitting up, finding her lips, kisses her silly to distract her so she can flip the Italian woman over.

Carina squeals a little at the sudden shift. And then groans as Maya pulls out of her.

“Can we-“ Maya isn’t sure how to ask. “If you-“ She twirls her finger around in a circle. “And I-“

Carina smirks. “What bella? What do you want?”

Maya wants to roll her eyes and go hide in the corner. She wishes she were more natural in asking for what she wants, not just in the bedroom, but in life in general. “Can you get on your hands and knees?”

The brunette sits up, her face an inch away from Maya’s. “You want to fuck me from behind.” She husks.

Maya nods her head lightly.

“Molto bene.” Carina takes the fire helmet from her head and sets it on top of Maya’s before turning around.

Maya sets one hand on top of her helmet, securing it to the top of her head, staring down at the plump round ass that is pointed at her. She runs her right hand over a cheek, up Carina’s back. Maya moves closer, her knees between Carina’s on the mattress. She takes her wet member in hand and rubs the tip through Carina’s folds.

Carina gets down onto her elbows, her ass angled higher in the air towards Maya, more open to what Maya has in mind.

She runs her hand over the curve of Carina’s ass and down the side of her leg before coming back up and resting her palm against Carina’s spine on her lower back.

The Italian looks backwards, over her shoulder. Maya catches her looking and locks eyes. She smirks and while she’s looking at Carina’s face, she slides into her. Carina’s eyes slip closed. Maya goes slow at first, and for that Carina is appreciative. They know each other so well. Needs and wants. When to not rush, when things are extra sensitive. Like right now, the angle and position have Carina feeling every little movement.

The brunette’s forehead drops to the mattress and Maya knows it’s time to kick it up a notch until she has Carina moaning with every thrust.

She has Carina coming hard, hands on her hips as she grinds into her.

Maya backs away, taking her helmet off, setting it on the floor, signaling a change in tone and pace. Firefighter Maya put away. All that’s left is wife Maya.

Carina is a writhing mess on the mattress of a moment before she settles. “Bambina?” She whispers holding her hand out, trying to find Maya.

“I’m right here.” She locks her hand in Carina’s even though it’s a little awkward. She rubs her left hand up and down Carina’s back.

“Everything tingles.” Carina moans.

Maya chuckles. “Good.”

“All the way to my toes.”

The blonde shakes her head a little. Carina can be so cute in her post orgasm haze.

“Can you roll over for me?” Maya asks softly. She doesn’t know if Carina is ready or wants more but she feels like she certainly does.

Carina rolls onto her side first and then onto her back. Maya’s lips press to her shoulder and then down the length of her left arm.

“That feels good, bambina.” Carina hums.

Maya hops over to Carina’s hipbone. “You feel good. You always feel so good. All of you.” She kisses over her abdomen, finding the outline of ribs below a breast, pressing, and holding her lips there as she looks up at Carina.

Carina bites her lip. “Are you trying to candy talk me into another round?”

“Candy talking? Yes.” She lays down half on top of Carina, her chin resting on Carina’s shoulder. “Is it working?” She grins.

Carina reaches up, threading her fingers into Maya’s hair. “Si, bacami.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Don’t call me ma’am.”

“Yes, love.” Maya bites her lip cheekily as she leans in for a kiss.

It starts as slow kisses traded between the pair.

“Less teasing, more pleasing.” Carina requests after a few minutes.

“I’m just-“ trying to savor this. The words die on Maya’s lips as Carina’s lips find her neck. Her toes curl when Carina attaches her lips to the spot that drives her absolutely crazy. Her hips rolls, seemingly of their own accord. “Car- Carina.” She stutters, feeling her resolve breaking. But then Maya shakes her head. She has a goal in mind and when Maya has a goal she always sets out to achieve it.

She leans back. Carina whines at the loss. But Maya shifts and fits herself between Carina’s legs. Reaching down for a little assist, she positions the dildo, before sliding into Carina again. She’s mesmerized by how Carina takes her. A little sigh coming out of her mouth at the way Carina’s whole body seems to curl around her.

A more conventional, slow, missionary.

It’s taken Maya a long time to go slow. At anything. Even sex. But this, being able to go slow with Carina is like heaven. It’s better than anything she’s ever had. Any quicky. Any oral. Any anything. Being able to go slow, being able to wrap her arms around Carina’s shoulders and basically hold her while she kisses her and while she’s inside her, while their bodies are pressed and moving together in sync is like perfection.

It's what she needs. Maya realizes that with all the shit that’s been going on in her life this is what she needs. This is what’s important. The most important. Not the sex, per say. But just connecting with Carina in the most physical way. Emotionally, physically. In a way that is just them and not anything else. No doctor, no firefighter, no mother in the other room. Just them. Only them. As two people at their most basic level.

Maya rolls off of her afterwards, loosening the harness. “God, that’s a lot of work. No wonder guys need a nap after. My muscles are on fire, and I consider myself fairly fit.”

Carina laughs through her labored breathing. “They also have a flaccid penis after and don’t go multiple rounds in a row usually.”

Maya rolls onto her side and presses a kiss to Carina’s shoulder. “And that’s why girls are better.” Maya winks.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya and pulls her to her chest. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah?” Maya grins, proud.

Carina taps at Maya’s cheek, hinting at her proud smile. “Assolutamente. A trick and a treat.”

Maya chuckles. “Happy Halloween?”

“Happy Halloween, bella.” Carina rolls over pressing Maya down onto the mattress and goes down on Maya to finish off their day with one more treat.

Chapter 49

Notes:

Hello all, I am not deceased just exhausted. I've worked 60, 70, and 60 hrs the past three weeks. That leaves little time to write or do anything else really. lol. Thanks for each and every comment, kudos, read, etc.
Moving the timeline forward in this chapter we go through Thanksgiving and approach Christmas and New Year's time.
Enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Maya usually gets nervous before her therapy sessions. Today she is extra nervous as Carina sits next to her as they wait for Dr. Lewis to call them in.

Eventually, they go in. Maya’s left leg bouncing the entire time. It drives Carina crazy. She wants to reach over and put her hand on Maya’s knee to get it to stop.

It’s awkward at first. The three of them sort of just sitting there.

“You can start whenever you are ready. You can tell Carina whatever you want or need.” Dr. Lewis starts them off.

Carina gets a little worried about that. She wonders if she was brought here for a specific reason. She wonders if they are here because Maya has something to tell her that she can’t say at home. Carina worries that it’s about having kids. She hasn’t really brought it up with Maya but since the Halloween party she’s been thinking about bringing it up. A bit of doom surrounds her as they sit in silence.

Maya looks between Carina and Dr. Lewis. “Uh-“ She turns towards Carina and opens her mouth to speak but has second thoughts about what she is going to say. Maya turns towards Dr. Lewis. The doctor raises an eyebrow at Maya.

“Carina, Maya and I talked about having you join Maya for one of her sessions. I suggested that she invite you to the next one and so here we are. This is meant to facilitate a safe space to voice any concerns or questions or just say anything that is on Maya’s mind. Or yours. I’m not sure if Maya discusses what goes on during her session or not with you-“

“Sometimes.” Carina mumbles. Maya mostly just gives a brief rundown of what was discussed. They never go too in depth about Maya’s therapy.

“Okay.” Diane nods. “Well, take your time. Just remember this is a safe space where anything can be discussed. Oh, and where there’s no judgment.”

Maya nods. A lot. A continuous nod as she thinks about each word that she wants to use.

“I felt- I talked to Diane about this.” She glances over at Carina, but her eyes return to her lap as she continues. “I felt super co-dependent or just dependent. When you were in Italy. I realized that I was, or I felt too dependent on you. Which might not make a lot of sense to you. But it really scared me. Because I’m usually very independent. Or a have been in my past.”

Maya pauses and looks over to Dr. Lewis. The woman smiles gently at her, letting Maya know that she’s doing just fine with this.

“I felt like some of my worth was tied to you. Like I depended on that too much and with you being gone I had to navigate that and figure out how I felt about it.” Maya adds for a little context.

Diane is about to cut in, but Carina speaks up.

“You are your own person, bambina.” Carina looks over at Maya.

“I know but-“ Maya shrugs. “-it felt like I didn’t know what to do when you were gone. And that scared me but before you-“ She glances over at Carina before her eyes return to her lap. “I didn’t need anybody. I was independent. Probably to a fault. And I didn’t feel like I ever needed to rely on someone else. And that scared me.”

Carina hums, thoughtful. She’s not sure if she’s allowed to talk or if this is all about Maya. It is her session. This isn’t couples counseling.

“And what did I say about that, Maya.” Dr. Lewis reminds.

Maya keeps her eyes low, not making eye contact with Carina or her therapist. “That it was okay. It was okay to feel that and realize that. It was okay to be fearful.”

“Right. And we talked about ways to help with that fear and those feelings.”

“We did. And it helped.” Maya nods. “But I wanted you to know that.” She reaches over and puts her hand on Carina’s forearm. “And I don’t want you to feel weird about it or something. I appreciate you and everything you do. And I love you and I love our relationship. And I wouldn’t change it at all, but I did have this weird realization that a was being too dependent on you, but that’s what’s supposed to happen.” She looks over at Dr. Lewis.

“Go on.” Diane smiles and shakes her head.

“We are supposed to depend and rely on each other. That’s how relationships work, but I felt like maybe it was too much, and I was too clingy and needy, and that it wasn’t healthy. I just needed to talk it out and find a balance and I think I feel much better now about the dependence thing. Cuz, God, I’ve needed it the last few months with everything with work.” Maya slides her hand down Carina’s arm to her hand. “You are my rock, my stability in all the bullshit.”

“Bella.” Carina coos, squeezing Maya’s hand.

Maya shrugs, trying to act like it’s not a big deal; but they both know that it is very much a big deal.

“I told you that the station was my safe place. The place I went to when my personal life got messy. When my dad was in my head or when I just needed to focus on something else. I put everything I had into that station and what has it gotten me?” Maya doesn’t want to sound unappreciative because the fire station has given her so much. But recently it’s also taken so much.

“Now it feels tainted. Even a little uncomfortable. It was my rock for so long. My safe place. But it’s not anymore. And maybe I was putting too much stock in that. Maybe I had built the station up and put it on this pedestal. We do that, right?” She checks with Dr. Lewis.

“Correct. We as human can tend to see something or someone as better- err not better- no more important or more elevated than necessary. So yes.” Dr. Lewis explains.

Maya nods. “So, the station isn’t my place anymore. My place is at home now, in our bedroom. It’s the safest place in the entire world. I want to be conscious of that. I want you to be conscious of that. I don’t want us to put too much pressure into that or stock into that one place but it’s the place I feel safest and most secure now. And that’s because of you and the relationship that we have together.”

Carina sniffles, wiping at her wet eyes. She thinks about how far Maya has come and how wonderful of a person she is. She knows not everybody sees it, but she does, and that’s what matters. “I love you, bella. And you deserve that safe space. We can continue to build that space together.”

Maya nods. That’s what she wants. She sucks in a big deep breath. It’s been good to tell Carina this. It’s been good to have her at her session.

Diane steps in at the silence between them. “Alright.” She’s more than pleased with the pair. She knew Maya bringing Carina in was going to be a big step for Maya. There’s wasn’t any direction or goal that she had for the session, but she’s satisfied with how it’s gone so far.

They get into how the events since the wedding have affected their relationship and Dr. Lewis talks them through some of that and how to cope and deal with the aftermath of Maya’s demotion and investigation together.

“Should I be concerned about Maya? Is that why I am here?” Carina asks the doctor.

“Well, you are here because Maya wanted to include you. And I felt like it was a good idea. She has struggled with all the work stuff. Which you know. And it’s beneficial to deal with that in healthy, positive ways. Not day drinking when your wife is at work.”

“That was one time.” Maya scoffs.

Diane smiles wryly. “I’m just teasing you.” She gets an eye roll in return from Maya. “There’s nothing major to worry about. Just some regular feelings of disappointment. Things to do with insecurity surrounding her job. But as long as you two are communicating and Maya keeps coming to see me, I don’t see anything as a problem or major concern.”

Carina is slightly relieved at that. She does have her concerns involving Maya and the current situation with her job. She knows Maya feels anger and betrayal and now disappointment and insecurity surrounding it all. And she’s going to do her best to support and stand by Maya during this difficult time.


If someone asked, Maya wouldn’t say she is hopeless, but the way things have been going at the station don’t give her much to hope for. There doesn’t seem to be anything to look forward to in regard to her investigation. She very much wants to go to McCallister and demand to know what’s going on. It’s been months and months and nothing has happened. But she knows she can’t. She’s had Carina talk her out of going to McCallister more than once.

And everything and everyone seems to just keep moving forward. Without her. She feels stuck. Stuck in the same rut that she was in on her wedding night. Stuck in the same headspace. Stuck with the anger and frustration.

Maya tries to not like it control her and some days are better than others. She has good days on that front and bad. Today is more of a bad day than a good day as she watches Beckett fumble around another fire scene. She can’t help but think he’s completely incompetent and that she could do the job a thousand times better than he can.

She also knows that when the investigation concludes, and if she’s not returned to her captain position or fired, that she’s going to have to compete with Beckett and Gibson for the spot again. It’s not something Maya is looking forward to, but she will do it if she has to.

She feels like she rightfully earned her captain spot even if she didn’t always think that. At the beginning, everyone was against her, but over time her team rallied around her and respected her. But now it doesn’t seem like anyone has her back anymore. Andy is gone to another station, and everyone seems to just accept what has happened and have moved forward. She knows the rest of the crew doesn’t like Beckett as the captain, but no one has voiced this to him or the higher ups. Maya knows, ultimately their opinions as firefighters don’t matter when it comes to positions and roles. It’s all about rank and politics. And if you don’t have a high rank, you don’t matter. That’s how the system is built. Even as a Lieutenant, the chief may take your opinion into account but at the end of discussion or day, they are the one that makes the decisions, whether they take your opinion into account or not. To Maya, it seems like a lot more doesn’t matter now than before. And maybe she didn’t see it last time she was lieutenant and once she had the experience as captain, she can see it now, but the system isn’t set up for probies or firefighters or lieutenants to be heard on important matters.

So, whether it’s hope or the drive to be captain that Maya feels slipping away, she’s not sure. Maybe it’s both as the weeks and months pass. The stagnation gets to her, and she starts to think that it’s not going to happen that she gets her captaincy back. If it was going to, it would’ve happened already. Maya, honestly, thinks that. If it was going to happen it would’ve or should’ve by now. She continues to wonder about the investigation and what’s taking so long. Why there hasn’t been a hearing set up? Why hasn’t she had any contact from the department on the matter?

The waiting almost turns into a bit of forgetting. Except, Maya can’t forget completely. She still thinks about it every day when she wakes up. First thing, every morning. Well, her first thought when she’s at home is Carina and how far away in bed the other woman is. But the investigation comes after she finds her woman and gives her a good morning squeeze. When she’s at the station it varies. If they are being awakened for a call, then that is on her mind first. If it’s not for a call, Maya usually thinks of something work related as she wakes up or how much Sullivan snores while he’s sleeping. Next comes Carina and then the investigation comes into her brain at some point. But then she gets going and the day takes it away. So, Maya thinks about it every day but for smaller and smaller periods of time. Sometimes it’s just few moments before something else takes over. Sometimes it’s a few minutes but there’s only so much she can think about. Maya has run over every possible scenario in her head dozens of times.

“Bishop, where are we with the patients?” Beckett demands.

Maya hops up from her position down on one knee and takes a few steps towards the captain. “The boy has a scrape on his leg that I cleaned and bandaged. He’s all good. Warren is working on the mother. She seems to have smoke inhalation. Probably needs to go to the hospital. We can take the boy with as well.” Maya doesn’t want to have to separate mother and child right after they’ve both been through such a traumatic experience as their house catching fire as they slept.

Beckett half listens to what Maya says. It’s easiest. He knows she knows what she’s talking about. He won’t ever acknowledge that though. “Fine. Go.” He waves them off.

Maya rolls her eyes and turns back towards the boy sitting on the curb. “Hey, buddy. You wanna go for a ride in the ambulance?” She puts her hand on the open back door.

The boy looks over to his mom. “Is my mom going to be okay?”

Maya crouches down in front of the boy again. “She’s going to be just fine. My friend Ben is taking care of her right now. He gave her some oxygen to help her breath. She did the right thing and had you cover your mouth with a wet towel to breathe through but didn’t do the same for herself, but she’ll be okay. We just need to take her to the hospital so she can get checked and they can give her some better oxygen. Do you have a dad or anyone that lives with you guys?” She tries to get some information from the boy since they don’t need the mother talking and answering questions.

“My dad works nights. So he wasn’t at home when-“ The boy looks over his shoulder, back at the house that he lives in that is on fire.

Maya puts a hand on his little knee. “It’s okay.”

“Where are we going to live?” He turns back to Maya with the saddest look on his face.

“Not sure, buddy. What’s your name again?”

“Logan.”

Maya extends her hand for a shake, trying to distract the boy. “Logan, I’m Maya. I’m going to check with firefighter Warren and then we’ll be on our way. Okay?”

“Okay.”

She focuses on the job at hand and not the lingering thoughts about how incompetent Beckett is.


They have Katherine over for a turkey dinner the Saturday after thanksgiving because Maya is on shift on Thanksgiving day and Carina picked up an extra shift in the ER because the hospital is short staffed and people wanted off for Thanksgiving. Even though it’s still pandemic times the rules aren’t as strict anymore and family can gather in small groups if no one is sick.

The station gets a call about a couple of burn victims. Station 23 Aid Car is already on the way, but they are called in as backup since it sounds like there are two victims. They pull up and Maya curses under her breath. “Fucking idiots.” Out in the front yard is a ‘turkey’ deep fryer.

She can see that Station 23 is loading a young man onto a gurney as they come to a stop.

A man with burns on his hands and arms and legs. Next to him is a pregnant woman with burns on her legs and feet where the hot oil splashed them.

Bishop and Miller check the woman patient and load her onto a gurney and get her into the ambulance. Maya has Dean drive them to the hospital.

She’s not even thinking about going to the hospital. She’s just doing her job like any other call. She asks questions about the woman’s pregnancy. How far along she is? “Is there any discomfort, miss?”

“I’ve been in discomfort for six months.”

Maya tries not to frown at that, but she knows her face is always giving her away. She hopes the woman doesn’t see it or take it in a negative way. She takes the woman’s blood pressure and sees that it’s high. She pauses for a moment as she looks at the woman. “Any discomfort that is unusual then? Your blood pressure is elevated.” She says more to herself than to the patient.

“Other than the burns on my feet, no.”

Maya looks down at the woman’s feet. Flip flops. Maya doesn’t understand why anyone would wear flip flops. She also doesn’t understand why anyone would wear flip flops this time of year. Their autumn has been pleasant but it’s still cool. She thinks people should keep their feet warm and protected and safe in suitable footwear. Maya believes flip flops are only suitable for the beach.

“We’re nearly there.” She says instead for berating the women for not wearing the proper footwear to deep fry a turkey. Maya doesn’t even want to know the whole story. She can imagine it happening though. It’s not the first Thanksgiving that they’ve been called out for deep fryer oil burns. She thinks the cooking device shouldn’t be sold to the public. That deep fryers should only be used commercially, by people who know what they are doing, not some dingbats in their front yard while they’ve probably consumed too much alcohol.

They arrive and Maya pushes one door open and hops out. She opens the other door and starts sliding the gurney out.

“What do we have?”

Maya’s head whips around. Carina is pulling on a pair of gloves as she walks towards her. She forgot. She forgot that Carina works here. Or that Carina is working in the pit today. She forgot that Carina is an OB/GYN and this is a case that is tailored to her. She forgot that her wife is a smoking hot doctor, so she gawks for a moment, but only a moment.

She smiles for Carina. Which is out of place for Maya while on the job, at work, delivering a patient to the hospital. “Twenty-four year old female. Thirty-six weeks pregnant. No pain or discomfort surrounding the pregnancy. Pain from the burns on her ankles and feet though. Blood pressure is elevated.”

“Thank you, lieutenant.” Maya notices the little twinkle in Carina’s eyes as she says lieutenant. A twinkle that no one else would notice.

Maya, and now Dean, wheel the patient into the hospital. Carina points. “Trauma room three.” They head in that direction. She starts talking to the patient as they walk. “How did this happen?”

Maya listens as the patient tells the story and watches as Carina focuses entirely on the patient to hear every detail and to gauge how best to treat the woman.

“My dumbass boyfriend had the great idea to deep fry a turkey for Thanksgiving. I’d never had a deep fried turkey and neither had he. So, he called up his buddies and the ones that were free for Thanksgiving all came over. The football was on, and they started drinking at like nine this morning. One thing led to another. I just wanted to stand by and make sure that he didn’t ruin the turkey. He lifted the damn thing up out of the pot and was showing it off to everyone. And he dropped it. The turkey fell back into the hot oil, splashing it everywhere.”

Maya and Dean move the patient over to a hospital bed with the help of Carina and a trauma nurse.

“You got it?” Maya asks.

She and Carina share a look. “We’ll take it from here. Thank you, Lieutenant Bishop.” Carina winks. “And firefighter Miller.” She winks at Dean too for some reason.

“It’s our job, Dr. DeLuca.” Maya mumbles but smiles at the doctor.

“See ya later, Doc.” Dean says and starts to push the gurney out. Maya files out of the room right after him. She signs her paperwork for bringing the patient in and they head back out to the Aid Car.

“Do you know those two?” The pregnant woman asks Carina as she is listening to her chest and heart. She saw Carina wink at them.

Carina hums. She looks around the room. An intern and the trauma nurse are present. “I do.”

“More than just as paramedics?”

Carina nods as she types some information into the monitor at the patient’s bedside. “Firefighter Miller is a friend, you could say.” Carina doesn’t know Dean all that well. He was very kind and generous during their wedding and Carina is thankful for that. He has a cute little girl, that has a special story, that she helped Maya deliver. But other than that Carina doesn’t know a lot about Dean.

“And the woman- the lieutenant?”

Carina looks at her patient then raises her chin up towards the ceiling, she sighs. “Lieutenant Bishop, Maya, is my wife.”

“Woah.” The patient’s eyes go wide. She looks Carina up and down. “A doctor and a firefighter?”

“I know.” Carina chuckles. “Seems crazy.”

“Seems impressive.” The patient shakes her head. “My boyfriend works at an auto shop buying and selling car parts. And I was in school for a while studying accounting but then this happened.” She motions to her belly.

Carina hums. She knows not everyone has a flashy job title, but she also knows that there’s nothing wrong with an honest days’ work. “I’m sure once the bambino comes and life settles down, you’ll figure out what you want and where you want to be and go. You can always go back to school. That’s the beauty of it. You are never too old to go to school or to learn something new.” She advises wisely.

“Uh, yeah.” The patient mumbles. She’s stuck on the wife part of what Carina said. “She’s really your wife?”

“Si. Yes. We got married a few months ago. It was a- what do you call it- whirlwind. I had to go back to Italy. I was nearly deported and not allowed to come back. And then I came back and then we got married and then she got demoted and then her mom came to live with us.”

“Woah. Geez. Maybe I shouldn’t complain about my life. That sounds hectic.”

Carina hums. “Things have settled down some. I think we just need some peace and quiet for a while. Where nothing crazy happens and we can just live our lives. Do you know?”

“Yeah.”

Carina nods as she looks over the burns. “I’ll call Plastics.” She checks the patient’s vitals again. “And I want to have a look at this baby so let’s get the ultrasound set up.”

“Right away, Dr. DeLuca.”


Carina gets an idea. She undresses Maya, making Maya think they are going to have sex. Has her open and bare to the world, well to Carina, on the bed.

“Have you ever had any issues?” Carina asks of Maya’s reproductive health.

Maya raises an eyebrow at her wife. “What do you mean?” Her confusion is clear. She doesn’t understand Carina’s question and what it has to do with sex.

Carina shakes her head, feeling like she would know if there were any problems. Maya has never mentioned anything. She sits on the bed on her knees and pulls Maya’s hips, pulling the blonde’s pelvis towards her, Maya’s legs on either side of Carina’s bent knees.

Maya likes where this is going, biting her lip.

The doctor moves her hands from Maya’s hips to her thighs, ducking down a little. It’s kind of dark in the room, after the sun has set, the only light on in the room is the one on the nightstand. It’s not bright like a doctor’s office. “Do you have a flashlight?”

Maya scrunches up her face. Carina has never asked for a flashlight during sex before. “What are you up to?” She tilts her head to the side, wondering if Carina has some sort of sex trick up her sleeve.

Carina shakes her head, ignoring the question. She spreads Maya’s folds with two fingers. “We could put a baby in here.”

“Uh, no.” Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows and tries to squirm away from Carina, but Carina holds onto her legs, keeping her in place.

Carina looks up, finally making eye contact with Maya. “Why not?” She whines.

“I told you. I don’t think I want kids.” Maya thinks about her job. She thinks about the investigation and how she hasn’t heard anything about it in months. The possibility of if she is even still going to be a firefighter after the investigation is over runs through her mind more than she would like. And if she’s not, well, then maybe this conversation could be revisited. But that’s not now. That’s not the case and, anyway, Maya doesn’t want to have kids.

Carina tilts her head to the side. “Can I give you an exam?”

Maya shuffles away now. “No. Quit being weird with your weird lady stuff.”

Carina pouts. “I thought you thought my lady work was impressive and sexy.”

Maya furrows her brow. “The sexy lady stuff, yeah. Not the weird I want to put a baby in here stuff.”

Carina sighs. She just wants Maya to think of the possibilities or start thinking of the possibilities. She also wants to know if it would be possible, as a doctor, for Maya to get pregnant and carry a child.

“I told you, Carina, I don’t think I want kids.” Maya is frustrated this is a topic again.

“I know you said that, but can you at least give me your reasons why?” Carina runs her fingertips lightly over Maya’s skin. “So at least I can have some sort of path.”

“Path?”

Carina rolls her eyes. She knows it’s probably not the right word but she’s not sure she can come up with a better one. “Not path but-“ The brunette tries to think. “I want to know where you’re at. I want to be able to meet you there. Or for us to try to meet somewhere. So, like on a path.”

Maya hums, maybe path is correct. “Well, I don’t think I would be good at it, for one.”

“Why not?” Carina asks automatically. She’s going to have to disagree with Maya on that statement. She thinks Maya would make a fine parent. She saw her with the daycare kids at the hospital. Nothing indicated that Maya couldn’t make the shift from handling kids that aren’t hers to handling one of her own. Maya has more than enough organization and discipline for it. She’s good in pressure situations at work. Carina doesn’t see how those things wouldn’t translate to parenthood.

“There will be a kid.” Maya emphasizes the word kid.

Carina giggles. “Yes, that’s what happens when you have a baby. Or kids. They are there; they are present.”

Maya narrows her eyes at Carina mocking her. “They also take up all of your time. And I don’t know if I can devote that much of my time to something like that. I have my job and if I’m going to get back to being captain that’s going to take up a lot of time. I don’t have time for anything else.”

Carina frowns. “What about me?”

“You’re different.”

Carina tilts her head to the side wanting Maya to explain because it doesn’t make sense to Carina. It just seems like a lousy excuse.

“I love you and-“

“You wouldn’t love our child?”

Maya realizes this could get really tricky, really fast. She’s not sure if she could love a child. Whether it’s her own or anyone else’s. “I’ve never been good with kids. They don’t talk when they’re little and I never know what they want or need. It’s a lot of hard work.”

“It is.” Carina agrees. “But I haven’t known you to back down from a challenge.” She raises an eyebrow.

Maya knows Carina is right about that. “No but-“ She’s starting to think that Carina isn’t going to accept any of her reasons. “I don’t want the kid to hate me or resent me. I don’t want you to hate me or resent me.” Her voice wobbles a little as she finishes the sentence. Maya is afraid that a child is going to tear them apart.

“Why would that happen?” Carina scrunches up her face in confusion.

Maya shrugs, lamely. “Because of who I am.”

Carina’s confusion only grows. “And who are you?” She wants to know because the Maya she knows would be a great mom.

“I’m just a lieutenant now. Former captain, former Olympian. I’m nothing special.” Maya hangs her head. “Shouldn’t a kid have someone to look up to? A role model?”

“Yes.” Carina takes Maya’s hand in hers, massaging over it. “But you don’t have to be or doing anything special to be someone to look up to. You just have to be kind and caring, loving, honest, handle whatever you are doing with dignity and integrity. Show a child what it’s like to fail and try again, pick yourself back up. Be resilient. That’s how you be a role model. You don’t have to be something flashy. You don’t have to have an important title.” Carina knows the hurt of Maya losing her jobs still sits heavy with Maya, and that it’s likely guiding all her decision making right now.

Maya’s sad frown deepens. “I don’t want you or them to hate me because of ‘who’ I am. How I act. How I have control issues or have to have things a certain way. I know that wouldn’t go over well with a baby or little kid. Things are always on their terms. There’s no schedules that they can stick to. I’m afraid that it would be too much for me and that I would get upset or angry or that I would just like leave.” She whispers the last part.

That’s the one thing so far that Maya has said that has caused Carina alarm. She wants to tell Maya that she will never hate her or that she/they can work on the control/need for organization thing. And that maybe Dr. Lewis can help with that too. That it shouldn’t be something from stopping her from wanting kids, but those words don’t come out of her mouth. Carina feels sad now and she wishes she hadn’t brought up the subject.

“Hey.” Maya tugs on Carina’s hand. “Don’t be sad.”

“I’m not.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Maya smiles.

Carina smiles a little too. “Mi dispiace.” They trade somewhat sad smiles.

“I’m sorry I made you sad.” Maya says. “I never want to make you sad.”

Carina nods. “My turn?” Maya raises an eyebrow. “Have you thought about anything else other than these reasons?”

Maya wrinkles her brow. “What do you mean?”

Carina licks her lips. “There is teaching a kid stuff. How to be a good person, how to ride a bike, how to do all sorts of things. Impart your knowledge on them. Show them the world. There’s loving them and being able to watch them grow. There will be mistakes, I’m sure. Every parent makes mistakes, I’m sure. There will be me seeing you as a mom and you seeing me as mom. I, personally, want to see that. I want to see you with a little one. Playing with them, comforting them when they have a tummy ache or are hurt. Just being present in a child’s life and the possible joy and happiness that can bring; even if sometimes it’s hard like you said, or it sucks, or you’re busy with work stuff, or sleep deprived.

There’s welcoming a baby into the world. Maya, I get to see that every day. And sometimes the situation with the mommy and daddy isn’t good or there are complications or something; but most times when baby comes it’s a time of happiness and excitement for everyone in the family. It’s beautiful and pure and joyful and happiness.” Carina holds a hand over her heart. She could go on for an hour about all the positives of having a baby or raising a child.

Maya can see that beauty and love on Carina’s face. She won’t lie to herself; it would be amazing to see Carina as a mother. She knows the Italian would be absolutely amazing. “I can understand all that.”

“Maya, can you just think about it, please?” The brunette pouts.

“I have thought about it.” She just gave Carina all her reasons. If that’s not thinking about it, Maya doesn’t know what is.

Carina sighs, disappointed.

And Maya hates that sound, that disappointed sigh. “Okay, I’ll think about it more.” Maya tells her wife. She feels like she is somewhat cornered here. She wants out of the discussion, but she knows she can’t just give in to what Carina wants. She’s not sure what more there is to think about in having kids, but she will think about the same reasons why she doesn’t want them over and over if it makes Carina happy. “Come here.” She pulls Carina towards her until the Italian is resting against her chest. “I’ll think more about it. I promise.” She presses her lips to Carina’s forehead.

Carina takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “That’s all I’m asking right now. Think of all the possibilities not just reason why you don’t want kids.”

Maya nods.

“Now.” Carina sits up a little. “I didn’t only undress you to talk about kids.” Her eyes rake over Maya’s naked body as she tries to decide on where to start.


It’s their first Christmas as a married couple and, really, their first Christmas living together. They are trying to figure out what traditions they want to have. Trying to take some from each of their families and cultures. Maya is working on decorating the mantle above the fireplace with a little winter village scene. They’ve gotten new, embroidered stockings that are hung there. Maya is working on the finishing touches. She’s curious as to what Carina is doing.

“Love?” She questions.

“In here.” Carina says from the bedroom.

Maya stops in the doorway, tilting her head, puzzlement on her face. “What are you doing?”

Carina is standing on the bed. At the head of the bed. A hammer in her right hand. She uses her left to show off her masterpiece.

Maya raises an eyebrow, cocking her head to the side.

Over the head of the bed Carina has nailed mistletoe to the wall. “You’re supposed to put that over like the front door or something. An archway. A doorway.” Maya explains.

“What’s wrong with it here?” Carina pouts.

In theory, nothing. Maya wonders what kind of silly antics her wife has thought up. Or maybe she hasn’t.

“Well, what do you think?” Carina asks after Maya is silent for too long.

“I think-“ Maya’s eyes shift from the mistletoe to Carina’s eyes. “Why?”

“So, I can kiss you every time we are under it.” Carina shrugs. “Duh.” A cute little don’t you think this is wonderful grin is on the Italian’s face.

“Yes but-“ Maya thinks about every time they are in bed. There are always kisses involved. Is this Carina saying she wants more kisses in bed? Has Maya not been giving her enough? “We always kiss in that spot.”

Carina shrugs. She gets down off of the bed. “Now we can have more. A fun little excuse.” She comes over to Maya and wraps an arm around her.

“Do you feel like we don’t have enough kisses in bed?” Maya’s self-doubt kicking in.

“Oh, bella. No. There are enough. Don’t worry your pretty little head.” She kisses Maya on the cheek. “Stop overthinking it.” She runs her finger down the bridge of Maya’s nose. “Stop thinking.” She whispers. “It’s just a little fun.”

Maya nods, unconvinced.

“Dance with me, bambina.” Carina twirls them around to the Christmas music that is playing softly in the background trying to get Maya to stop thinking.

Slowly, a smile forms on Maya’s lips. Being whisked around the room in Carina’s arms to the sound of Christmas music has her happy as ever. “I love you. Even with the silly mistletoe.” She nods at the wall.

“And I love you, bambina. Happy Christmas.”

Maya chuckles. “You know there are three weeks until Christmas, right?”

“I do. But it’s a whole season. Not just one day.”

“I suppose you are correct.” Maya agrees and pulls Carina impossibly close, pressing their torsos together blissfully as they sway about.

Notes:

Because I don’t believe that when Carina brings up talking about having babies in 5.3? that it’s not the first time that it’s been talked about between them in the ten plus months since they’ve been married. (that time jump made no sense and it didn’t aid in any storylines on the show if anything it made most of them more confusing and worse. Like how andy and Sullivan haven’t talked to (or really seen) each other in ten months. Like what?)

Chapter 50

Notes:

TW: description of sexual assualt

Chapter Text

It’s the holiday season and Carina is thinking about Andrew. She gets sentimental thinking about things from when they were kids. She decides now is the time to go through some of his things. She finds stuff from his high school in Madison, Wisconsin. She looks through his senior yearbook, he was in drama and soccer. His senior picture is of him standing next to the trunk of a big tree with his letterman jacket thrown over his shoulder with one hand; the other hand tucked in his pants pocket casually. Carina knows he’s supposed to look cool, but she just sees a massive dork.

Maya comes into the guest bedroom to find Carina sitting on the floor. “Watcha doing?”

Carina takes a deep breath. She runs a finger over his photo. “Look.”

Maya puts her hand at the base of Carinas neck, rubbing against it for a moment, before leaning over her shoulder to look. “Is that him?” She chuckles. “Look at his hair. It’s so fluffy and big.”

“Si.” Carina thinks back to that time. “He said the girls all loved it. That they wanted to run their fingers through it.”

Maya sits down on the bed, next to Carina’s right shoulder. She runs her hand over the back of Carina’s head, her hair. “I will say you DeLuca siblings do have amazing thick heads of hair.” Maya tangles her fingers in Carina’s hair.

Carina sighs, tipping her head back. She looks back at Maya with a soft smile. “Grazie mille, bella.”

“You just looking through some of his stuff?”

“Yeah.” Carina nods.

“You okay?” Maya scratches at Carina scalp lightly. Carina leans into Maya’s hand for comfort.

“I am. And thank you for checking. Will you sit with me though?” While Carina does feel okay. She also feels unease and the extra support from Maya would be great right now.

Maya doesn’t say anything just moves to the floor wrapping her arm around Carina, holding her against her side. She presses a kiss to Carina’s temple. “I love you.” She whispers. “Show me what Andrew was up to in high school.”

They spend the better part of thirty minutes going through his yearbook before Carina pulls a black mortarboard hat from a cap and gown from the box.

His college graduation cap. “I was there for that day. Papa and I flew in from Italy the night before. Papa was so proud. He was absolutely beaming. He loved Andrea so much.” Carina holds the cap to her chest. Their father always seemed to favor Andrea. She graduated from college too and her father didn’t put in nearly as much effort for her. “He threw Andrea a whole big party. Or he paid for it. I think mamma still had to organize everything.”

“I’m sure he’s proud of you too.” Maya tips her head so that it rests against the side of Carina’s.

“Not in the same way.” Carina tells Maya somberly. She’s grown accustomed to the way her father treats her verses how he treated Andrea. Andrea was his golden child. Carina isn’t sure why that is. Andrea was the second born. She always wondered if the first born wasn’t good enough to be the golden child. Was he harder on Carina because she was the first born? Did she not live up to Vincenzo’s expectations, so he moved on to Andrea? Carina will likely never know, but she tries not to dwell on it too much anymore.

“Well, I’m proud of you.” Maya squeezes Carina tighter to her side for a moment before loosening her grip. “You amaze me. What you do at work is amazing. I’m super proud to tell people that my wife is an amazing doctor. Who keeps mommies and babies healthy in utero. Who does surgeries. Who helps women with their reproductive health. Who advises on cases. Who handles delicate situations everyday. Who has overcome so much crap in her life and come out stronger, wiser, and more beautiful than ever. Who holds down a crazily active wife at home. Who loves her people with everything she’s got. Who cares about everyone. Who just wants to help and nurture. You’re amazing and wonderful and special and great and also a total sex goddess in the bedroom.”

“Enough, bella.” She blushes a little and Carina hardly ever feels embarrassed enough to blush.

Maya kisses her cheek. “I decide when you get enough praise.”

They both chuckle.

“Maybe if we had grown up together things would be different now.” Carina can’t help but think how her and Andrea’s lives would’ve been if they weren’t split up. “Those teenage years were hard for me.”

Maya nods. They’ve talked about this before and how most of the time when she was a teenage, Carina was looking after her father, or working at the local shop for a little bit of money. On top of housework and schoolwork.

“Bella?”

Maya hums, still thinking about a teenage version of Carina.

“I want to tell you something.” There is a little waver in Carina’s voice. Maya doesn’t miss it.

“Okay.” Maya says with furrowed brow. Carina can tell her anything. She doesn’t have to ask or say she’s going to tell her, so she thinks maybe there is something ‘different’ about Andrew that Carina hasn’t brought up yet. Maya didn’t know him that well and she didn’t get a chance to know him more. She’ll always be a little sad about that. She knows he had his struggles, we all do, but for the most part he was a good guy who cared about the well-being of others. Like his sister. He died saving kids from human trafficking. If that’s not a good person, Maya doesn’t know what is.

“I was fifteen almost sixteen.” Carina has to swallow down the lump in her throat.

Maya nods. “Okay.” She’s not sure why that’s important, but she listens on.

“It was fall. The end of beach season. I would go with my friends every chance I got. To the beach.”

Maya listens intently. Still not sure what Carina’s friends or the beach have to do with Andrew. It does dawn on her though that maybe this is Andrew unrelated the more that Carina talks.

“I had a small job, but I loved spending all my free time at the beach. Until I didn’t.” Carina sounds somber.

“Spend time at the beach?”

“Didn’t enjoy it.” Carina clarifies.

“Why?”

Carina puts the cap back in the box. She scared to bring this up. She doesn’t want Maya’s opinion or view of her to change. She doesn’t want their relationship to change because of what she’s about to say. She knows it could. And she knows it could change in a devastating way. Carina doesn’t think Maya will cut and run, but people in her life have always cut and run in the past. She thinks if there’s anything that could make Maya, it might be this. That’s why she’s so scared. That’s why she hasn’t told Maya. She turns to Maya, taking one of her hands. She holds that hand in both of hers. She needs it for strength. She needs it for comfort. She needs it for a distraction, so she doesn’t have to look at Maya’s face and see her reaction.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” Carina whispers.

“Why would I be mad at you?” Maya has no idea what is happening right now. Carina seems distant. It feels like she’s pulling away from her, even though Carina is holding onto her hand. And the sad of her voice is cold and haunting. It all causes a chill to run through Maya. She recognizes that whatever is happening isn’t good. “I won’t be mad.”

Carina looks up and smiles sadly. “I was fifteen almost sixteen. I knew what sex was. I’d had sex before. I was at the beach with my friends. It was a beautiful day, I remember.” She sighs looking back down at Maya’s hand in her lap. “I was fifteen almost sixteen.” She repeats.

“Carina?”

“No.” She shakes her head, not letting Maya interrupt. “I was fifteen almost sixteen. We met this guy at the beach a few days before. He seemed nice. Older. He was funny. There wasn’t anything nefarious about him. We’d seen him around the beach before, but he hadn’t approached our group of friends until that week. He bought us alcohol.” Carina knows that’s where things started to go sideways that day.

“Drunk teenagers?” Maya tries to joke. She knows it inappropriate, but she doesn’t know what else to do or say. She doesn’t know where this story is going, but she’s starting to get a sick feeling in her stomach. And Carina’s grips on her hand continues to strengthen.

“Pretty much. We were young and inexperienced and stupid, and he took advantage of that.” Carina shakes her head. “I don’t- I don’t remember- I think really, I’ve blocked it out- but I went to use the restroom. He followed me. I went to close the stall door and he smashed it open.”

“Carina.” Maya wants Carina to stop, to stop talking. She doesn’t want to hear this. She doesn’t know if she can.

“I need to, bella.” Carina begs. “Please.” She looks up to find Maya with sad, tear-filled eyes.

Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know if I can-“

Carina hangs her head with a sigh. “Okay.” She whispers and let’s go of Maya’s hand, putting her hands on the floor to push herself up to her feet. She stands and starts putting Andrew’s stuff back in the box.

Maya watches Carina move about next to her as she packs up the box and puts the cover on it. When Carina goes to pick the box up Maya reaches out, her hand around Carina’s wrist. Carina looks over at Maya, wrinkling her brow in confusion. She doesn’t understand way Maya is stopping her. “Let me put this stuff away and then I can make you dinner.”

Maya closes her eyes. “S-sit.”

“Dai, Maya.” Carina tries to move with the box again, but Maya’s grip on her wrist is firm.

“Sit.” Maya says firmly. She tries to get past her own uncomfortability, and own uneasiness, her own scared feelings. “Sit back down, Carina. I’ll listen. To it all.”

Carina contemplates the idea of sitting back on the floor in front of Maya and telling her about one of the worst days of her life. That day and the day her mamma died; the day her baby brother died. The three worst days. Carina doesn’t try to rank them. They are all the worst in their own ways.

“Please?” Maya whispers in her own pained voice.

Carina picks up the box and Maya lets her pull away this time. Maya hangs her head as Carina crosses the room and puts the box back in the closet. She expects Carina to move towards the door to go make dinner. She’s about to say that Carina doesn’t have to, that Carina shouldn’t have to cook for her, that she shouldn’t feel obligated to do that. But Carina pauses and Maya looks up and it’s almost as if Carina is moving in slow motion as she moves back over and sits down in front of Maya. This time she doesn’t take Maya’s hand. Carina sits and keeps her eyes focused on the space on the floor between them.

Maya moves to face Carina and not sit with her back to the side of the bed. She reaches out to take Carinas hands in hers, but Carina pulls her hands away, tucking them together in her lap. Maya frowns. “Carina.” She sighs. “I want- I want to- if you need- I don’t want you to think that I don’t care or that I’m trying to stop you from saying what you need to say.”

The Italian shakes her head. “We don’t have to do this. I just- I feel like I should’ve told you before now. That’s not fair for you. Like, you should have known before we got married. So that you could have that information and then decide if you still wanted to get married. Or like, I was lying to you, and I deceived you and tricked you into marriage.”

Maya scrunches up her face. That wasn’t what she was thinking or feeling at all, but now that Carina says it; this might have been good information to know earlier. But not for the reasons Carina is giving. Maya doesn’t know the details yet but she knows this information or conversation will be and is difficult for both of them. “You can tell me now. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know earlier because this is a difficult thing. It’s not something that you could just bring up out of the blue. I’m a bit curious about why right now though. Did something happen today?”

Carina shakes her head. “We were just talking about Andrea as a teenager, and I said that my teenage years were hard. This was a part of that.”

Maya hums. That clears that up. “Okay. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll wait.” She taps at Carina’s knee. “You don’t have to make me dinner. You know that, right? I know you like to cook and sometimes maybe I take advantage of that and don’t help out enough. But you don’t have to make me dinner. You said it like it was an obligation, a duty, that you had to perform. This isn’t 1950. You aren’t my housewife. If you don’t want to cook, that’s fine with me. I can do it, or we can order take out.”

Carina nods. “Okay.”

“I know we are still trying to work out how everything is going to work in our marriage, but don’t feel obligated to do something if I’m not doing it. Ask me to help or do it. We are partners, equals.” She needs Carina to know this. She needs her to hear it, to understand it. Maya knows she slacks a lot when it comes to cooking and making meals. For so long, she only had to worry about herself and cooking for one person is so difficult, so she mostly didn’t. But now there are two people who share meals in this household and Maya knows she needs to pick up the slack.

“Okay.” Carina nods again.

“Okay.” Maya takes a deep breath. “I just wanted to make that clear.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes. Maya wishes that Carina would let her hold her hands, but she knows she blew that opportunity earlier.

Carina wishes that this could just be over with, and she could deal with the aftermath. So far, Maya has remained fairly calm and levelheaded. She hasn’t run out of the room yet either, so Carina takes that as a positive.

“So he was- uh-“ She takes a deep breath. “In the stall with me. He forced the door closed and locked it. There wasn’t anywhere for me to go. I had been drinking, but I wasn’t out of it. I knew what was happening. I knew that I was in a bad situation. All I was wearing was a bikini. That probably didn’t help.” She fiddles with her hands in her lap. This isn’t easy to talk about. It wasn’t easy to go through. It isn’t easy to relive. It took years to get over after it happened. She tried therapy when she was in college; but that only helped to get it off her chest like she wasn’t carrying some big secret around anymore. Carina has always carried around a little bit of embarrassment involving the incident. She feels it again right now.

“There wasn’t anywhere to go. He had me cornered. Literally. And his hands seemed so big. He had one over my mouth so I wouldn’t scream; though I don’t know that I could if I tried. I was terrified. I just stood there frozen. I stood there. I didn’t try to fight him off. I didn’t try to scream or yell. I didn’t try to run away. I couldn’t for some reason. There’s that fight or flight instinct. I think mine is broken.” Carina sighs sadly.

Maya wraps her hand around Carina’s ankle. “You’re not broken.”

Carina nods. “He, um, he used his hand to uh-“ She shakes her head. “He assaulted me with his hand and fingers between my legs. After he knew I wasn’t going to scream, he removed his hand from my mouth and started grabbing at himself and groaning and moaning while he touched me.” Carina closes her eyes. “It was so gross and terrifying. After he uh- jerked off- he thanked me and left. I stood there for a long time. I was so mortified. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want it. I knew that much. But I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t push him away. I couldn’t run away. I was fifteen almost sixteen.”

Maya feels sick. Sick and full of rage. Sick to her stomach that someone violated Carina like that. Sick that she had to hear about it. Sick that someone would hurt and force something on Carina like that. It’s just sickening. Rage builds slowly inside her. She wants to find the guy and punch him in the throat and rip his nuts off.

She finds some words that aren’t those though. “You didn’t deserve for that to happen, Carina. I’m so sorry that it did happen. Did you go to the police?”

“And tell them what?” Carina looks up now, locking eyes with Maya.

Maya has never seen Carina looks so small and so scared. “That you were- sexually assaulted.” Maya whispers the last two words.

“They wouldn’t have believed me. I was a kid and I had been drinking and I didn’t even know who that guy was. I never saw him again after that either. Not that I went to the beach much after that though. I was too scared. I actually never told anyone that until now. Well, a therapist I saw seeing for a while, but you know what I mean. I didn’t tell anybody I know.” She picks at the material of her leggings.

Maya hums at that. There’s a certain honor and privilege she feels. It’s not information that someone should have to tell or hear, but she knows that Carina hasn’t trusted this information with anyone else. Only her. She’s the only one to ever hear it.

“I didn’t have sex after that for a long time. And at first, it was only with girls.” Carina says. “It messed me up for a long time. Still today sometimes I think I’m messed up by it. But I’m older now. I know better. I don’t hang around people I don’t know. I don’t get drunk around people I don’t know. I don’t put myself in vulnerable situation where I can be taken advantage of. I was never one to just hook up with somebody randomly that I didn’t know. There was always something I knew about the person or some level of familiarity. Even if it was just that we worked in the same professional or place.”

“What about me?” Maya wonders.

Carina can’t help but smile. “We didn’t sleep together right away. Not that first night.”

Maya smiles too. They didn’t. And Maya still thinks to this day that was maybe the best decision she’s ever made. They were friends, acquaintances before. They talked that night at the bar. They talked and texted in the days that followed. Both of them knowing that there was an attraction there but not rushing immediately into it. “No, but it wasn’t long after. I still could’ve been a psychopath or a serial rapists.” Maya raises an eyebrow.

“But you weren’t. I took a risk with you. But only because I knew you weren’t. I could feel you weren’t. Everything felt different with you anyway. The rules didn’t matter. We texted and we talked before we slept together. It wasn’t even a hook up situation.” Carina sighs out in relief.

Maya leans forward reaching for Carina’s hands. “Thank you for taking a risk. Thank you for sticking around. But more importantly, thank you for telling me all this tonight.” She runs her thumbs over Carina’s palms. “I’m sorry this happened to you. If I would’ve been there and known, I would’ve beat the shit out of that guy.”

Carina smiles at Maya’s valiant notions. “Violence isn’t the answer.”

Maya hums. “No. But I feel like in this situation it would be justified.”

Carina shakes her head. “How do you feel now?”

Maya scoffs. “I should be asking you that.”

“Well, I’ve lived with this knowledge for a long time and you are just finding out about it right now.” Carina makes her point.

Maya nods. “Fair. I feel like I could throw up. The thought of someone touching you, violating you like that makes me sick. It also makes me really angry. Cuz it’s not fair. You didn’t do anything.”

Carina nods lightly. “I wondered that for a long time. What did I do to deserve this?”

“Nothing.” Maya says loudly, too loudly. It startles Carina. “Sorry.” She lowers her voice. “Nothing. You did nothing. He was trying to take advantage of your whole group. You were just the unlucky one that had to use the restroom. It could have been anyone.”

Carina let’s out a long slow breath. It’s so good to hear someone else say it out loud, to validate the truth of the matter. Carina had come to that same conclusion, but she always doubted or second guessed it. Wondering if she put off a vibe to the guy or if her body was more developed then her friends and her bikini was showing off too much. There has always been doubt up until this minute. “Thank you, bambina. I don’t think I could’ve told anyone but you.”

“Your secrets safe with me. I will say though that it will take me a bit to wrap my head around it. I don’t want you to think that we can’t talk about it or that it always needs to be avoided from now on, but maybe we don’t talk about it for a few days.”

“So, you’re not going to run away or go hide in the other room and think about what you want to do next?” Carina can’t help but wonder. That would be Maya’s typical MO.

Maya shakes her head, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. “Should I?” She is second guessing her reaction. “Should I be more upset? What should I do?”

Carina shrugs. “I don’t know. I think I was just always afraid that if I told you that you would think differently of me or that you wouldn’t want to be married to me because I kept this from you. That’s why I didn’t tell you. When we fought before we got engaged and aired all sorts of issues this one popped into my head. I couldn’t say it then. We broke up. We almost nearly were over. Things were fragile for a while after that. I didn’t want this to be the thing that made you leave me.”

“Carina.” Maya sighs. “I would never. Especially not over something like this.” She gets up onto her knees and shuffles closer to Carina so she can wrap her arms sound her shoulders and hold her tightly. “I love you. All of you. Even this bad thing that happened to you when you were a teenager.”

“Fifteen almost sixteen.” Carina mumbles with the side of her face pressed into Maya’s boobs.

“Fifteen almost sixteen.” Maya repeats before kissing the top of Carina head. “I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Carinas let’s out a long sigh, relaxing against Maya, wrapping an arm loosely around her. “You are so amazing.”

Maya sits back on her haunches. She cradles Carina’s face in her hands. “You are the amazing one. I always knew you were strong with everything that you went through growing up and with your papa. And that was before I knew about this. You’re so much stronger and braver than I thought. I don’t know how you do it.”

“At one point I think I decided I didn’t want to let it defeat me. Or define me or whatever the saying is.” The brunette shrugs.

Maya nods. “So strong.” She rubs her thumbs over Carina’s cheek bones. “I love you and I appreciate you. And I’ll stand by you no matter what. No matter how many skeletons there are in your closet.”

Carina quirks an eyebrows and Maya chuckles a bit. “No matter how many secrets or not necessarily secrets, but untold truths that you have.”

Carina nods in understanding. This was her biggest secret that she had. “I’m glad I could finally tell you. I didn’t want it to come between us. I didn’t want to tell you for fear of your reaction.”

Maya pulls Carina’s into another hug. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that because of my past indiscretions that you feel like you can’t tell me things because of the way I could possibly react. I’m sorry, but Carina I’m working on that. That’s not me anymore. Or I’m trying to make sure that’s not me anymore.”

Carina knows that. It’s an old, if you can say anything between them is old, reaction. Maya has learned to cope to news or things she doesn’t want to hear in a better healthier ways. There are still days when Maya needs her space and Carina knows not to interrupt that now, but they communicate in much healthier ways now. Talking about things when it’s time, when the processing stage has finished. This is no different. Maya will take a few days to process and then want to talk about it again. She’ll have questions. They don’t use sex anymore to avoid talking about feelings. It’s not perfect or great all the time, but the communication is better and ever evolving.

They both know and understand that this conversation is over for now. They gather the rest of Andrew’s things that Carina was looking at.

“Is this because it’s Christmas time?” Maya looks at a photo of Andrew.

“Si, bella.”

“What was his favorite thing about Christmas?”

“The cookies. My nonna made the best biscotti. But Andrea liked all Christmas cookies. More American ones too. As much as he wanted to claim he was Italian through and through; I’ve never met a more American boy. He picked up all the American traditions and ways of life.”

“You can’t blame him for that.”

“Oh, I don’t. It’s just funny. He was the most Americanized Italian I’d ever seen.” Carina tilts her head to the side.

Maya wraps Carina up in a hug, just holding her. She wants to hold her and never let her go. Never let anything bad happen to her ever again. She wants to always protect her and be there for her. Even though she knows sometimes it’s hard to be present. Maya knows she can get wrapped up in things. Whether it’s work or something else. She can get hyper focused on that and sometimes not be as present as she should with Carina, at home. It’s something she knows she needs to balance out.

Chapter 51

Notes:

Thanks for sticking around. I'm in and out i know. It's the craziest time of the year at my work right now so that's why. Hopefully that evens out in the coming weeks. though i feel like i've been saying that for a few weeks already. So thank you all. For reading, and comments, and kudos. Thanks a million.

In this chapter: Maya has had enough of Sullivan’s shit. Also, Maya has had a bit of a realization when it comes to Carina thus she’s full of gratitude and feeling and showing how grateful she is. Though it’s the holidays I didn’t focus too much on that cuz Covid and cuz of Carina’s dead nonna and aunts and uncles. I just imagine it wouldn’t be a lively upbeat celebration. Something more subdued for them even though it’s their first Christmas and New Year as a married couple. Though, they do celebrate the New Year the proper way so NSFW at the end of the chapter. If something doesn’t make sense it’s because I’m super tired. I’ve read through most of this chapter twice but there still might be some mistakes. Hopefully, nothing too glaring.

Chapter Text

They are all around the table at the start of shift. Captain Beckett walks in. He thinks he’s strutting his stuff and looking confident but no one in the room is fooled. They’ve all seen enough of him to know he’s not all that. He’s more of a walking mess than anything.

“Hughes, desk duty, go.”

Vic grabs her bowl of Frosted Flakes and goes.

“Montgomery, Warren, Miller, and Gibson. You’re on the trucks today. That leaves Sullivan and Bishop together on Aid Car. Everyone have a good shift. Be safe.” With that, Beckett turns and heads back to his office.

“Fan-fucking-tastic.” Maya mumbles. She’s on the other end of the table from Sullivan so that he doesn’t hear her but Warren is sitting right next to Maya and hears her mumbled complaint. He glances over and gives her a questioning look.

Maya curses herself for saying anything at all before shaking her head for Ben to leave it alone. She knows he won’t say anything right now but knows that he won’t let it go forever. Ben will bring it up at some point in the future.

They are doing inventory after breakfast when Sullivan opens his mouth. Maya was satisfied with working next to the man in silence. She’s fine with that. She is able to set her hurt feelings and differences aside and be professional at work.

“So, Bishop, you’re Andy’s best friend, right?”

Maya hums. She has a sneaking suspicion she knows where this is going. She’s interested in what he might say before she shuts him down.

“I was wondering if she’s talked to you.”

“About?”

Sullivan huffs, annoyed that Maya is going to make him say it. “About us.” He whispers even though there isn’t anyone else around. “Andy and I. I know you know.”

Maya hums again. “I do know some things.” She stands tall, facing him. “I actually know a lot of things that the rest of our crew, our station don’t know.” He is about to interrupt her, so Maya puts a hand up, stopping him. “And before you say anything, save your breath. I’m not going to tell you anything that Andy has told me in regard to you. I’m also not going to blab about what you did. At least not right now. Consider it happy holiday Maya. My Christmas present to you. But when the holiday cheer is over, I might have something else to say.” She’s threatening him. She will tell their crew if he doesn’t fess up in the next few weeks. Maya is putting him on a timetable. An ultimatum, per say. Either Sullivan spills the beans, or she will. It’s been long enough.

A call comes over the speaker for the aid car. Maya shares one last look with the tall man before slamming the doors shut and moving to the passenger’s side. She’ll make Sullivan drive.

The details about the call come through the headset as they start out to the location. It’s a call for a woman who fell and can’t get up. Maya assumes it’s an old lady but when they arrive, they find something else entirely.

Maya calls out as she knocks on the door.

The door opens and two little kids are standing there. A little boy who doesn’t look older than six or seven and a littler girl. “Where is the person who fell?” Maya wonders if they have the wrong address but the little boy points behind himself. The girl next to him start crying and he wraps an arm around her. “We are here to help. Is it your grandma that fell?”

“My mom.” The boy says his lip trembling. “She was asleep but now she’s awake.”

Maya files the information away. The woman, the children’s mother, lost consciousness. “Okay, we are firefighters and paramedics and we are here to help your mom. Can you show us where she is?”

The kids look from Maya to Sullivan. They eye him and his height warily. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Maya, but she doesn’t want to dawdle. “It’s okay. My friend firefighter Sullivan here is super nice. He’s just also super tall.” She eyes Sullivan trying to get him to say or do something to ease the children’s worry.

“Hi, guys.” He smiles that megawatt supermodel smile. It’s annoying to Maya that he’s so good looking because she wants to hate him. He’s totally not Maya’s type but she can always recognize a good looking human being. “Can you show us the way?” He bends down on their level as he asks.

The little boy hesitates for a moment before turning and pulling his sister along. Maya and Sullivan follow.

They come upon a small bathroom and see the woman on the floor, sort of leaning against the toilet. Dispatch didn’t tell them that the woman was pregnant. Or under the age of sixty for that matter. It all makes complete sense to Maya as soon as she sees the woman though. She probably fell and was unconscious and the kids were the ones to call for help. Being kids, young kids, they didn’t know what important information they should have told the dispatcher.

None of that matters now. Maya surveys the situation quickly. The pregnant woman is conscious now so that’s good.

“Ma’am, I’m Lieutenant Bishop, we are here to help. May I ask what happened?” Maya dons a pair of blue rubber gloves as she speaks.

“I fell.”

Maya tries not to roll her eyes in front of the patient. “Okay. Do you have any pain or discomfort?”

“Yes. I think the baby is coming.”

Maya looks behind her and shares a look with Sullivan. He shrugs at Maya. Clearly, he doesn’t want to handle this situation. “Okay.” She turns back to the woman. “Do you mind if I have a look?”

“Oh god, this can’t be happening. Not here.” The woman panics a little.

Sullivan says something that he thinks will sound reassuring. “We’ll try to get you to the hospital if we can but lots of women have babies outside of the hospital all the time. I’m sure it will be fine.”

Maya looks over her shoulder and glares at him. She looks down his tall frame and sees the kids to his right, behind him, trying to peer into the bathroom. Maya turns back to the woman and prepares herself for the next step.

She thanks whatever deities that there are that the woman is at least wearing a baggy dress. And what she sees underneath isn’t what she wants to see when she takes a look. She sits up on her hunches and takes a deep breath. “You are correct. The baby is coming.”

“Should I call Carina?” Sullivan says before anyone can say anything else.

That was Maya’s first thought too. But, no, she can do this. She’s done this before. She can do it again. And she wants to prove to Sullivan that she can do it.

“Dr. DeLuca? Do you know her?” The pregnant woman asks. “She’s my OB.”

Maya can’t help but smirk. Sullivan chuckles.

“What- oh god-“ The woman bears down as a painful contraction hits.

“Okay.” Maya takes her hand. “What’s your name?” She breathes with the woman through her contraction.

“Kristie.”

“Okay, Kristie. To answer your question, yes, we do know Dr. DeLuca.” Maya lifts her left hand, wiggling her fingers. “She’s my wife, actually. But it looks like you get me today instead of her delivering your baby.” Maya grins. “I’m going to need towels.”

“In the hall closet.”

“Sullivan.” Maya prompts. He gets busy finding the towels. “Okay. I’m going to have you lay down on the floor.” As Kristie lays down with Maya’s help; she thinks through what needs to happen. “Sullivan find some pillows. Have the kids help you.” It’s her way of saying that he is going to need to keep the kids occupied during this delivery.

Maya gets the pillows and props Kristie head and back up. “Okay, I’m going to roll your dress up.” She knows she’s going to have to work quickly and efficiently. “I could and can already see the baby’s head. So that’s why we are doing this here. No time to wait and go to the hospital.” She’s mostly talking just to talk. Clearly, they are passed moving Kristie anywhere.

She wishes the room weren’t so small but other than that Maya doesn’t really have any other complaints.

She delivers the baby and they load the mother and baby up onto the gurney. As they are wheeling them out of the house a car screeches to a halt in the driveway and a man come running towards them.

“Kristie!” He yells. “Oh gosh, the baby.”

She smiles at her husband despite what is happening.

“Sir, we are going to take her to the hospital.” Sullivan says.

“You are just in time.” Maya adds. “Gather up the kids and you can meet us at the hospital.”

Maya stays with the mother and baby but has Sullivan call ahead and have Carina meet them if she can.

Carina is the one who opens the ambulance doors to see Maya covered in bodily fluids, and a mother holding her baby to her chest.

“Let’s get inside. We need to deliver the placenta.” Carina instructs.

“I didn’t know if I should do that part.”

“No. You made the right decision.” Carina says calmly.

Maya nods. “Good.” She wants to ask Carina if she’s proud of her but knows this isn’t the appropriate time.

They wheel mother and baby into a room as Carina shouts instructions. Nurses come running. Some for the mom and some for the baby. They shift the mother over to a hospital bed and Carina gets to work. Maya watches in awe for a moment or two before grabbing the gurney.

“Thank you, Sullivan. Thank you, Lieutenant.” Carina says. She glances over at the pair.

They both nod.

Maya hates being bumped back down to Lieutenant. Not because she hates the job but only because she’s no longer captain. But she loves that she gets to come to the hospital more frequently. She wonders why it is that she keeps getting these baby/pregnant woman calls. And maybe it’s not more than she had in the past when she was firefighter or lieutenant but it’s just that now she has a connection to them through Carina. Whatever it is, she is thankful. But she’s starting to get a reputation around the station as the baby whisperer. This is only going to add to that.

Bishop and Sullivan start to leave the room.

“Wait.” Kristie calls out.

Maya turns, so does Sullivan. She raises an eyebrow.

“What’s your name, Lieutenant?”

Carina looks up at her patient at that.

Maya looks between Carina and her patient.

“I’m thinking of naming her after you.” The mother refers to her newborn.

Maya shakes her head. “Don’t. Please. You don’t have to. I’m just doing my job. No need.” She really doesn’t want this woman naming her baby after her. It’s weird.

Kristie looks towards Carina. Carina holds her hands in the air and shakes her head lightly as if to say I’m not commenting or getting involved.

“Maya. Maya Bishop.”

“Thank you, Maya.” Kristie says softly.

“My pleasure.” Maya nods and that’s when Sullivan starts wheeling the gurney out of the room again. She looks between Kristie and Carina. “You’re in good hands.” She smiles at Kristie and the looks back to Carina one final time.

Carina smiles and nods for her. “I’ll see you at home.” She whispers.

It’s Maya’s turn to nod. She follows Sullivan out. They head back to the station in silence. Well, mostly silence.

“Does Carina know, too?”

Maya wishes he would keep her wife’s name out of his mouth. He is the one who ruined their wedding. Though, it wasn’t completely ruined but Maya wishes it didn’t play out the way that it did. For her sake and for Carina. Carina had deserved the best wedding that they could have had after having to deal with immigration bullshit, going back to Italy and dealing with covid patients in the hospital, and then coming back to her getting fired. Not ideal.

“Yes.” It’s all Maya says. She hears Sullivan let out a long sigh.

“What happens between Andy and I is private. I wish you wouldn’t share that with your wife.”

Maya can’t believe the nerve he has to say such a thing. “You- you-“ She’s fuming on the inside but she can’t let Sullivan see that. She clenches her hands together in her lap as they drive back to the station. “You lost that right the moment you stepped into the chief’s office and suggested that you be the one to replace me.” She glances over at him and can see the shock that he is trying to mask. “Andy told me that too. Well, not so much. But I figured it out. She didn’t know what happened between you and him. What was said but I assumed and by the look on your face I know that I’m right. So, yes, my wife knows. And, yes, when I get home tomorrow morning, I’m going to tell her about this too.”

Sullivan turns his head and narrows his eyes at Maya. Maya turns and looks away from him, out the side window. He doesn’t say anything else.


Maya thinks of her next plan.

That plan involves scooping Carina up and taking her to a hotel or spa or somewhere nice for the weekend. Maybe outside of the city.

“You have the whole weekend off?”

“Yeah.” Carina is suspicious of Maya’s tone.

“Good. Pack a bag.”

Carina is surprised by Maya’s spontaneity. “What?”

It’s not so spontaneous in her mind. She’s been thinking about it the whole second half of her shift. Maya even looked up places to go, prices, and narrowed it down to two. “Pack a bag.” Maya is on her phone confirming the reservation. “I’m taking you away for the weekend.”

Carina smiles. “Really?”

Maya nods. “I have the best most amazing wife in the entire world. She deserves to have the best things in life, to be as happy as possible, to be treated like she’s the queen. You are my queen. You are my everything. I love you so much and I want to treat you and appreciate you and I just-“ She gets a little flustered, overwhelmed. “I just-“

Carina wraps her arms around Maya. “I love you, bambina.”

“I want to just soak in a bathtub with you and-.”

“And we don’t have one.” Carina finishes Maya’s sentence.

“Sullivan.” Maya sighs. “We got into it after we left the hospital yesterday. Nothing huge but he knows that I know, and I may have let him know that you know.” Maya smirks. “He wasn’t happy about it.” She switches off of that thought though. “This can be our Christmas celebration. Or just a weekend away.”

There are still Covid restrictions, and they’ll have to wear their masks, but Maya plans on mostly staying in their room other than for meals and maybe the use of the spa and massages.

“Should I be worried?” Carina puts a hand on Maya’s elbow. Maya shakes her head. “About you and Sullivan?”

“No. No, it’s handled. I just- he just infuriates me so much of the time now. He’s a good firefighter though, so I can’t bash that part of him. I’s the way he goes about everything that rubs me the wrong way. But less about him and more about you. Happy wife, happy life.” She pulls Carina in by the waist.

“How about I rub you the right way this weekend.” Carina smirks.

Maya licks her lips. “Yes, please.”


They invite Katherine to Christmas dinner at their apartment. Carina puts on a cute apron and says Maya can’t come in the kitchen, that she has to sit and visit with her mother. They haven’t had Katherine over since their Thanksgiving meal the Saturday after the holiday. Everyone busy with holiday extras and no time to actually gather.

They talk about the upcoming vaccinations over their meal. Carina says they should have them at the hospital in the coming days. Maya says she’ll talk to Beckett and see if he’s set up something for the station to get vaccinated. Carina volunteers to do it if he doesn’t have something already prepared. Maya smiles over at her and the thought of Carina coming to the station to help with something. They encourage Katherine to get vaccinated when it’s her turn.

After Katherine leaves, they are cuddled up on the couch with some hot cider. Maya asks Carina a question that she’s been thinking about the last few days. “Do you are wonder about where Mason is?”

The question catches Carina off guard. She quirks an eyebrow even though Maya can’t see it because Maya is sitting between her legs with her back to Carina’s chest. Carina is propped up against the arm of the couch; one arm wrapped around Maya, the other with a glass in her hand. She thinks for a moment. Why would I wonder where Mason is?

She knows the question means that Maya has been thinking about Mason’s whereabouts. She wonders if her reminiscing about Andrea a few weeks ago has something to do with Maya’s thoughts.

“It’s okay to think about.” Carina says.

Maya hums. She’s not sure if it’s okay to think about. Usually when she does, it comes with all sorts of negative thoughts. Thoughts about not doing enough to help Mason when they were kids. Thoughts about how stubborn she is/was about her father. How she didn’t see or didn’t want to see what Lane was doing as abuse. How she just let Mason fall into this spiral and into a place that he couldn’t get out of. About how she failed her brother as his older sister.

“To worry about him.” Carina adds.

“Yeah, that too.” Maya mumbles.

“What, bella.”

Maya shifts, turning a little so she can see Carina’s face when she speaks. “I mean I worry about him but mostly when I think of Mason, I think about how horrible I was as a sister. How much of a failure I was. How I didn’t do enough.”

“Oh, bella.” Carina coos. She wraps her arm tighter around Maya. “I know you think that, but you did what you had to for your own survival. As mean as that sounds. Or not mean-“

“Callous.”

“Si. As callous as that sounds. You had to protect you. You had to focus on yourself and what you needed to do to get through it. The thought of reaching outside yourself to help someone else, Mason, probably- you might not have realized. You were both young. And a thing such as-“ Carina pauses. She doesn’t know if she can say it out loud.

“You can say it. I won’t get upset.”

“A thing like abuse isn’t easy to deal with. Even for a fully formed, levelheaded, conscious, smart, educated adult.” Carina reminds Maya.

“Are you saying I’m not levelheaded?” Maya jokes.

Carina scratches her fingertips against Maya’s side. “Most of the time you are, bella.” She leans her head against the side of Maya’s. “You are very levelheaded when complex emotions aren’t involved.”

Maya rolls her eyes. It’s a blessing and curse how well Carina knows her and understands her. They can communicate without saying a word. They can say all the words in the world. Or something in between and ninety-nine percent of the time there is an understanding. There is a level that Carina knows her at that no one else does. No one else even comes close. And it’s a little scary because Maya knows, or old Maya knows, that could be used against her in an argument or disagreement. But new Maya knows that that level of knowledge and understanding is amazing. It’s amazing to have someone in her corner like that. It's amazing to be able to feel open and free and share all her hopes and dreams with Carina, all her fears and trepidations. It’s amazing and scary.

“I love you.” Maya whispers.

“Ti amo, bambina.” Carina presses her lips to the side of Maya’s head, just holding them there.

Maya snuggles further into Carina’s body, into her hold. This is the best place in the entire world. Better than the station, better than any track or standing atop the podium after winning Gold. It’s better than any vacation destination in the world.

She never thought she would be able to feel a sense of calm in life. Everything was always so stressful and chaotic and high energy most of the time. It was like Dr. Lewis said, Maya needed to find that time and that place to rest, to have calm. And she has.

“But do you ever wonder where he is?” Maya thinks about her original question.

Carina hums. “I will answer but I want to hear your answer first.”

Maya nods ever so slightly. “I wonder what he’s doing. Like, does he have a job. I hope he has a job and can earn some money. I hope he has something that he’s doing that he likes to do. Not just having a job to get money to buy things or pay rent.”

“Do you think he has a place to stay?”

“Well, it’s better to think that than the opposite. That he’s on the street somewhere. I haven’t seen him in so long. Mom said he looked good the last time she saw him and that he said he was staying with some friends. She said he was trying to get a job, so I’m thinking along those lines. That he is good and clean and has a job and a life and isn’t on the street.”

Carina hums. They had talked about Mason when Katherine was staying with them. Maya had brought up her original conversation with her mother, but it never went further than surface level, further like it’s going now.

“So, I think, or I hope, that he is good. That he has his own apartment by now. Somewhere in the city. That he has a cool job where he can do drawings or paintings or something. He really loved art. And he was really good at it. It sounds terrible to say but other than art I don’t, or I didn’t, know what he is interested in.” Maya sits up. She turns.

“Ow, Maya.” Carina whines as Maya sticks her elbow into Carina’s thigh.

“Sorry.” She moves the offending elbow immediately. She reaches out and sets her glass on the coffee table and then finishes turning. She turns to lay against Carina’s chest, her arms wrapped around Carina, her head resting her shoulder.

Carina runs her free hand up and down Maya’s back. They sit like that in silence for a few minutes.

“I like to think he is doing well and I’m wondering what he has going on during the holidays. Does he have friends that he hangs out with and celebrates the holidays with? Does he have a girlfriend or significant other? Those sort of things are what I’m thinking about. It goes beyond the generic ‘where he’s at?’ question.”

“My turn?” Carina asks, feeling like Maya has finally spoken everything she wants to say. Maya nods against her shoulder.

“I try not to think about Mason too much.”

Maya picks her head up and finds Carina’s eyes.

Carina gives Maya a sad smile. “It hurts. Because when I think about Mason I think about Andrea.”

“Ohhh.” Maya reaches up and cups Carina’s cheek. “No, babe. I didn’t-“

“It’s okay, Maya. He’s your brother. So, it’s okay. But I can’t help but think that you still have him. He’s still around-“

“I mean, as far as we know.” Maya says glumly.

Carina narrows her eyes. “But you still have that chance with him. Even if you don’t know where he is or how to get into contact with him. He’s not dead.”

“I’m sorry.” Maya pouts. “I really am.”

Carina closes her eyes and nods. “And it’s a little bad of me. But I want you to find him or be in contact with him at some point. I want us to know him. I don’t want to replace Andrea, but it would be nice to have a brother in my life again.”

Maya thinks on that for a moment. She thinks on Carina and Carina’s family and her sense of family. It isn’t lost on Maya that Carina’s family, her people that she shares DNA with, has continued to get smaller and smaller. She’s lost her mother and brother and aunts and uncles and nonna to Covid. And if one day they can be reunited with Mason that won’t be blood family for Carina, but it could be good for her, for them. “What if he’s annoying?” Little brothers are always annoying; Maya’s included.

“Even if he’s annoying.” Carina grins at Maya’s attempt to lighten the mood. “Don’t give up hope on Mason yet. I won’t.”

“You’re fucking amazing. You know that right?”

“You’ve told me once or twice.” Carina lips curl up into a smug little smirk.

Maya runs her index finger over Carina’s cheek, tapping it against her lips. Carina wiggles her eyebrows before opening her mouth and biting down lightly on Maya’s fingertip. Maya purrs and closes her eyes.

“Should we go to bed, bella?” Carina doesn’t say so in a suggestive tone. She’s not sure the mood is right for sexiness but maybe a good long cuddle before they go to sleep. And the bed is better suited for that than the couch.

She opens her blue eyes again to see Carina watching her with reverence. Just one simple look from Carina and she feels loved and respected and cared for. “That sounds like a good idea.”

So, Maya removes herself from Carina’s chest and gets to her feet. She holds her hand out to help Carina up from the couch. “Grazie, bella.”

“Prego.”

“Ahhhh.” Carina points her finger in Maya’s face. “Molto bene.” She’s proud of Maya. That she, one, used her Italian, and two, got the pronunciation right.

Maya rolls her eyes playfully. “I know things.”

Carina reaches down and finds Maya’s hand. “I know you do, bella. I know. And I know you don’t like using Italian unless you are certain you are using the right words and the correct pronunciation.” She ends the conversation by tugging on Maya’s hand, leading her to the bedroom.


A crew actually has most of Christmas Day off. They finish in the morning and can head home so, it’s a few days later when they have a Christmas dinner at the station.

They all gather around the table to sit down to their meal.

Travis is the one to ask. “Is Andy coming?”

All eyes, except Maya’s, turn to Sullivan for an answer.

“Uh, no. She’s not going to make it.” Sullivan lies. Well, it’s not a lie that she’s not going to make it. But it is a lie that he was told to invite her by Vic, and he didn’t invite Andy. He hasn’t spoken to Andy in a few weeks. They somehow never see each other, and they live in the same apartment. She’s always working or he’s always working. He gets the feeling that Andy is ducking him, staying elsewhere. Spending more time than necessary at Station 23. Sleeping there when she doesn’t have to. That sort of thing. It irritates him beyond belief, but Andy wants space so he’s not going to push that. Right now.

Maya keeps her eyes low, knowing the truth. Or some of the truth about why Andy isn’t joining them. Once everyone starts up talking again after Travis’ question, Maya raises her eyes and looks over at the man. More like glares. Andy is her best friend, and she hates to see what’s happening with her and Robert; but at the same time Maya thinks he deserves what’s coming to him.

She wants to take this opportunity to tell everyone that he went behind their backs and went to McCallister to say he should be battalion chief or captain and running the station. But she doesn’t because she doesn’t want to ruin Christmas and the happiness that surrounds the table. Maya isn’t evil. She looks to her right. At her wife. They share a look and Carina nods.

‘I know.’ Carina mouths the words. She reaches over and rubs a reassuring hand on Maya’s thigh.

Maya sighs. She’s the luckiest woman in the entire world because she gets to have Carina by her side. It was so scary opening up herself to Carina, but Maya knows it was the best decision she’s made in her entire life. And now she gets to reap the rewards by having a smoking hot wife, a caring and compassionate woman, by her side through thick and thin. She grabs Carina’s hand and gives it a squeeze, a thank you, an I appreciate you, an I love you.


They spent the evening of New Year’s by inviting Travis and Vic and Andy over for a bit. It wasn’t planned beforehand, but they all got together briefly and drank too much wine. It’s not like they can go anywhere for New Year’s because of Covid so it was the best at last minute.

“We need to hang out with your friends.”

Carina raises an eyebrow.

“Like Amelia and Linc and like Dr. Bailey and Warren. People that are less complicated.” Maya tries to explain. It was good to have some of her friends from work over but it was also exhausting. They are from her work, after all.

Carina chuckles lightly. “I don’t think they are any less complicated.”

“They’re like married with kids. Boring. Settled down. There’s no workplace politics.” Maya is beyond tired of hiding the truth about Sullivan and Andy and Sullivan’s relationship from the rest of A-crew. Even though it’s not her place to say anything about how Andy doesn’t want anything to do with Robert right now. That, along with the investigation into her insubordination that hangs over them all, which makes things a bit awkward.

Carina knows what Maya means. She knows the Amelia and Linc aren’t married. She knows Amelia doesn’t want to get married. But they are together and have a kid. And she’s not sure there are no workplace politics at the hospital. She’s fairly positive that there are. Carina just tries to stay out of them. As for Miranda and Ben, she’s not sure she wants to start hanging out with her boss on a regular basis. And Ben is a firefighter, so he will bring Maya’s workplace politics with him. She’s not sure those people would be any less complicated to hang out with than Travis and Vic and Andy.

Maya sighs, leaning into Carina’s touch. “I’m a little tipsy, aren’t I?” She chuckles lightly.

“Si, bambina. Do you still want to do this?” Carina’s eyes glance down between their bodies.

Maya closes her eyes, appraising her feelings. She doesn’t want to use sex as a cover or to avoid her feelings. “I don’t know.” It’s the most honest answer.

Fireworks start going off outside and Maya looks over at the clock. Midnight. She smiles as she turns back to Carina. “Happy New Year, my love.” She seals her words with a quick kiss. Maya goes to pull away, but Carina wraps an arm around her neck, keeping them close. She leans her forehead against Carina’s.

“Happy New Year, bella.”

Maya snakes a hand up to Carina’s shoulder, between their bodies, and puts her weight into it, pushing Carina back onto the bed and laying on top of her. “I have something for you.” Maya whispers into Carina’s neck. She slides her palms up under Carina’s shoulder blades, holding her there.

“For what?”

Maya lifts her head, looking into her favorite pair of eyes. Eyes so rich and so wholesome and so understanding and so mischievous. Carina’s eyes hold the key to every emotion that she has. They always tell a story, even if Carina is keeping a straight face otherwise.

“I was going to give it to you later today.” Maya sits up again. “But now is as good of a time.” She goes over to her nightstand and pulls the drawer open. She comes back and sits on top of Carina’s thighs again. “Here.” She holds the folder item forward.

Carina tilts her head to the side. She sees white and red and green and thinks she knows those colors. “Is this an Italian flag?”

Maya tips her chin up, second guessing. “Maybe I should have bought a flag too. Do you not have one?” She’s never seen an Italian flag in Carina’s possessions.

Carina shakes her head as she unfolds the item. “An apron?”

“Si.” Maya nods. “When I said I didn’t know anything about your culture, your country-“ She shrugs. “I want to change that. I’m going to sign up for an Italian cooking class. So, I bought an apron to go with it. Also, we can wear it around here.”

“Up.” Carina pats at Maya’s thigh.

Maya crinkles up her face but gets up.

Carina follows right after her. She has an idea. It’s one she’s used before, but she doesn’t think Maya will mind it being reused. She stands and pulls her shirt over her head. Then unbuttons her pants and slips them down her legs. She then puts the apron on before removing her panties.

“What are you-“ Maya watches in awe. Her hand moves to Carina’s hip, thumb stroking over the hip bone.

“How does it look?” Carina holds her arms out at her sides.

Maya’s eyes take in everything that is Carina. “Everything looks amazing on you.”

“Grazie, bella.” Carina grins. “So?”

“So, I’m going to take a cooking class. Since we are getting vaccinated next week. And I assume classes will start again in person shortly after. It was supposed to be more of a surprise. I was going to present you with this and tell you.”

Carina chuckles. “You just did, bella.”

Maya shrugs. “Yeah, but- more of a surprise. I was going to try to make you a meal and sit you down and then present the apron with the Italian flag on it.”

“Okay.” She steps into Maya’s body. “This is just as good.” She says again to convince Maya that it doesn’t matter how she told her about the cooking class or the apron.

“Yeah?”

Carina wiggles her eyebrows. “Yeah.” She leans in for a kiss.

Maya fakes a yawn, avoiding the kiss. “I think we should go to sleep then.”

Carina clicks her tongue at Maya. She tucks her fingers into the collar of Maya’s shirt. “Let’s take this off then. So, you can go to sleep.” Her voice low, a sexy whisper.

Maya nearly shivers. Her wife is just so sexy. She lifts her arms and Carina grabs the bottom of her shirt and lifts it over her head. She shivers then at the cool air in her room as it hits her skin. But then Carina’s hands are on her sides and her stomach and her chest and everything warms up. That familiar heat blooms within her.

She grabs Carina by the waist and spins them around. Carina lets out a little squeal of delight at the surprise. “Bambina?”

“My love.”

They meet for a kiss. A kiss that starts out as a few nips and licks and progresses until Carina is laying on the bed with her legs hanging over the edge. Maya is on her knees on the floor between those beautiful long legs. The apron that Carina is wearing draped over Maya’s head. Carina gasps at the sight of her wife disappearing underneath the apron.

“Maya.” Carina lets out a long moan as Maya sucks at the inside of her thigh, leaving marks for only her and Carina to see and know about. She drives Carina crazy for a few minutes before the brunette is begging and clawing at Maya for more.

She pops out from under the apron. “It’s hot under there.” She smirks and reaches up around Carina for the tie. Maya stands and lifts the apron.

Carina watches her with hungry eyes. Her hands find Maya arms grabbing onto her. “Maya.” She pants.

“I know, babe. I know. Shhhhh.” She removes the apron and leans into the press a bruising kiss to Carina’s lips. Tongues tangle and battle for dominance and Carina tries to thread her fingers in Maya’s hair but Maya pulls away. She wants to be somewhere else. She wants to be kissing Carina somewhere else. She looks down over Carina’s laid out body. “The most gorgeous woman.” She mumbles, her eyes fixing to the spot between Carina’s legs. She’s on her knees again in a flash, spreading Carina’s legs wider before hooking one over her shoulder. She leans in, licking over Carina causing Carina to scream out.

Carina is shivering in anticipation, the build up was quick and she needs her release just as quickly. “Maya, please.”

Maya loves when she can get Carina to a shake and beg for more. She always feels a certain love from Carina and power in the ability to turn her wife into a gooey mess.

She doesn’t waste any time in giving Carina what she wants, taking what she’s needs and satisfying them both.

“I love you.” Maya crawls up Carina’s body.

“And I love when you do that special thing with your tongue.”

Maya shoves her tongue in Carina’s mouth at that. Hands hold her face in place as Carina gets a good taste. “That?” Maya smirks.

“Si.” Carina moans, tipping her head back. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

“So, now we can sleep.” Maya rolls off to the side.

“What about you?” Carina rolls onto her side to face Maya.

“What about me? I’m good. I’m better than good. I’m sleepy and tired and satisfied for now. In the morning-“

“Okay.” Carina smirks and throws an arm and leg over Maya’s body.

“Under the sheet, my love. I don’t want that beautiful body to catch a chill.” Forever thoughtful, Maya ushers them under the covers.

Carina wonders about the strange mood that Maya seems to be in but she’s not going to question it right now. She’s just going to enjoy it. Tomorrow she can worry about it. But if she had to guess she thinks maybe Maya is just extra appreciative tonight. And she probably is tired with andy, and Travis and Vic coming by earlier. Carina just now realizes how exhausting and difficult it must be to work with and be around her friends for 24 hour periods and how Maya is handling keeping her friends separate from her co-workers with the investigation considering they are the same people.

“You are magnificent, wonderful, and amazing. Like a real life superhero. You’re my superhero.” She presses her lips to Maya’s cheek after they readjust in bed. “Super Maya.”

Maya chuckles. “Okay, weirdo. Super Maya needs sleep.” She yawns. “So, she can be super again in the morning.”

“Ti amo, bella.”

“Ti amo.” Maya is already halfway to dreamland.

Carina peppers her skin with soft kisses and gentle caresses as Maya drifts off to sleep. She doesn’t know how Maya does it. she knows she would have broken into a million pieces by now with an investigation that is taking forever. She realizes just how much strength and fight Maya possesses. She holds the blonde a little closer as she sleeps.

Chapter 52

Notes:

Beep beep. Hello folks, here is another installment. This is nearly the end of the 10 month time jump for reference. Enjoy!

Thanks for reading, commenting, kudosing (probably not a word) and all that jazz. Much love.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

They are into spring now, settled into married life. The world is getting vaccinated, and things are starting to feel more normal on that front. Or a new normal because nothing will ever be completely normal again after a worldwide epidemic.

A pandemic that has taken things from Carina. So much. So much of her time and energy. So much of her happiness. So many of her family members. She just wishes it would all be over, and that the world could move on. But, as a doctor, she knows that’s not going to happen. Covid isn’t just going to go away one day. It will come in waves as the virus mutates. And each wave with have its consequences and then it will die down for a few weeks or months until the next wave hits.

Maya has everything more or less planned. Her organization skills and need for planning are a blessing and a curse. Where they want to stay. What they want to do. She would just have to book everything and finalize it.

“Hey, Carina?”

She’s been mulling over the pandemic for the last few minutes as she stares out the window when Maya calls her name. “Si, bella.” She spins around, coffee cup in hand.

Maya sits at the island with her laptop. “What about that honeymoon? Should we do it soon? More and more people are able to get vaccinated now. And things are starting to slowly open up and rules are more relaxed.”

Carina comes over and sets a hand on Maya’s back. She looks at the laptop screen. The page for a resort.  “You’ve got this all planned out, don’t you?” She gives Maya a knowing smile and then presses her lips to the side of Maya’s head.

“Yeah.” The thought of a week alone with Carina and no worries to worry about is very enticing. A year or so ago the idea would have been anything but enticing. It would have been terrified and anxiety inducing. And it was. When she and Carina went on their first vacation together it was terrifying and anxiety inducing. She literally had a panic attack while they were away.

Carina sighs. “I hate to do this to you-“

“What?” Maya turns away from her computer screen to look at Carina. The brunette is about to give her a reason as to why they can’t go to Jamaica. Some sort of bad news.

“Can we do something else instead?”

Maya lets out a huff. “But-“ She thumbs over her shoulder. “I have it all planned.” She put a lot of time and effort into planning their honeymoon vacation.

Carina gives Maya an apologetic smile. She hates having to do this and she knows Maya worked super hard at the plans. “We can still go but I want to do something else now, this spring or early summer, instead. We can go to Jamaica in the winter when it’s cold and wet in Seattle.”

Maya hangs her head and nods. “Okay.” Carina isn’t saying they can’t go. She’s just saying that she wants to delay the trip. But Maya was really looking forward to going.

“Can we go on a driving trip instead?”

“A driving trip?” Maya looks up again, trying to gauge where Carina is going with this thought.

Carina nods. “Like-“ She raises both her hands like she’s gripping a steering wheel, moving them up and down a little bit like she’s driving. “-in the car.”

“A road trip?”

“Si. Si.” Carina nods, excited.

Maya grins. She wraps her hands on around Carina’s waist, pulling her wife closer, rubbing her hands down over her ass. “Where to?” She hums. The shift in plans throws Maya off but she’s trying to adjust quickly and follow Carina’s idea.

Carina smirks. “Wisconsin.”

Maya tilts her head to the side. “That’s quite the road trip.”

“Is it?” Carina isn’t sure how far it is, and her spatial awareness of the United States isn’t good. She just knows Seattle is on the west coast and Wisconsin is somewhere in the middle. Upper middle, maybe. By the big lakes.

Maya hums and nods her head. “Here.” She turns to the laptop and pulls up a map of the United States. “See.” She points to the screen. “We are here. And Wisconsin is there.”

“Oh.” Carina pouts, sad that they likely won’t be going now. “So, it’s too far?”

Maya shakes her head. “No. It’s just a long way. It’s like multiple days of driving. Not just, like, one. I think we could probably drive it in three or four days. Or more if you wanted to stop places along the way.” Maya tries to think of the logistics. “It would have to be planned out.”

“Of course.” Carina expects nothing less.

“You really want to do this?” Maya looks up at Carina.

Her lips turn upright again. She folds her hands together. “Can we? Please?”

Maya looks back to the computer, picking it up with one hand and standing. “You’re throwing me for a loop, woman.” She teases. “I thought we were going to Jamaica.” She says with a little sing-songy tease in her voice.

“We will. But I want to do this first. And this is something I don’t want to do in winter.” She doesn’t want to visit the place where her mother and brother lived in the cold of winter. She did enough of that when she went to visit them over Christmas/winter break when she was young.

Maya hums. “You’re right about that. I don’t want to drive across the country in snowstorms.” Snowstorms or blizzards would definitely not be the best way to travel.

They move over to the couch. Maya sits with the laptop on her legs. Her legs extended out, feet on the coffee table. Carina sits next to her, her hands wrapped around Maya’s bicep as she watches Maya work on the laptop.

Maya brings up a map with the roads and interstates on it. “We could fly.” She looks over to Carina. It’s her way of making sure that Carina is sure about driving.

Carina shakes her head. “I thought about it. This is what I want to do. This way we can see the country. Stop at popular spots. Right? Make it a whole thing.” She waves her hand around hoping that Maya is understanding what she is trying to say. Carina doesn’t just want to fly there and back. She wants it to be a journey. She wants to enjoy some time with Maya, outside of their home, outside of Seattle. She wants it to be an epic adventure.

Maya smiles. “You’re so smart but when were you going to tell me about this?” Carina simply shrugs and Maya shakes her head lightly. She hasn’t seen much of the United States, either. Sure, from the sky, by plane, when she traveled for track, but they never stopped anywhere or visited landmarks or monuments. It was always about business not leisure or pleasure. “This could be fun. And a way to know if we can truly live together forever.”

“Cosa?” Carina rests her head on Maya’s shoulder.

“They say if you can travel with someone. Like for a long period of time, weeks, then you won’t have a problem living together or being together. Traveling can be stressful. You’re stuck together the entire time. There’s nowhere to go to get away from each other for a little bit and decompress. And everyone needs their alone time. It wears a lot of people down and makes them irritated. And they get cranky and lash out. So, they say if a couple can handle that, they can handle anything.”

Carina wonders if that’s going to happen to them. She starts second guessing the road trip. She doesn’t want them to fight or be stressed out. She hums as the thoughts ruminate.

Maya can almost see Carina processing what she just said. “Stop thinking the worst.” She tells Carina. “It’s just what people say. But I bet we’ll be fine. I’m literally obsessed with you.”

Carina chuckles.

Maya looks at the map. “We have two options. I-90 there and back. It’s the quickest but only slightly. The difference would be about an hour of drive time and 50 miles. Or I-90 and switching over to I-94. Or we could do both. Take one on the way there and then the other on the way back. The switch would be-“ Maya looks closer at the screen. “-in the eastern half of Montana.” She opens a new tab. “Let’s look at places we can stop.” Maya pulls up a website with the best attractions in the Great Plains along I-90.

They look at websites for National Parks. There are the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Deadwood. There are also websites for different hotels and lodging. Maya doesn’t leave any stone unturned. She starts breaking down the miles and travel time and points they can stop at and by the end of the quiet morning they have most of the trip there and back planned out.

“This is going to be like a two week trip.” Maya mumbles as much for herself as it is for Carina.

“Is that okay with you?” Carina asks. She knows Maya doesn’t like to be away from work for long periods of time.

Maya shrugs. “It’s fine.” Now that she’s not captain it doesn’t really matter if she’s gone for more than a few days. As Carina reminder her on their first vacation, everyone will survive without her, they will figure it out, they will be fine.  And she’s not in charge of the station anymore, so that’s less of a problem now. She still doesn’t like being out of work that long though.

Carina removes her right hand from Maya’s bicep. She scratches at the back of her head. Maya hums and leans into the touch. After a few soft scratches, Carina rests her palm on the back of Maya’s neck against her spine. “I don’t want it to be just fine.” Carina whispers. “I know that’s a long time for you.”

“It is.” The blonde sighs. “But I’m not captain anymore. I need to learn how to let go of that and let someone else be in charge and not worry about things or if something could go wrong.”

Carina hums. She feels deep sadness for Maya when she speaks about no longer being captain. It was so much of Maya’s life, and she can see that Maya misses it. She can see that it’s affected her. She kisses Maya’s shoulder gently. “You’ll be captain again one day. I know it.”

Her wife’s belief in her is one of the only things that Maya uses to keep thinking that she will be too. Without Carina, she might think it’s a lost cause at this point; that the investigation will lead to her no longer being captain or even a firefighter. But she hasn’t heard or seen any progress on that in months. It’s a tiny little thought at the back of her mind now. Teeny tiny.


Maya has one final thing to do before she is off of work for the next two weeks for their road trip. She had been leery about taking that much time off with the investigation of her ongoing, but she hasn’t heard anything on that front. If there were going to be a hearing or any meetings in the coming weeks, she would know about them already. So, Maya assumes they aren’t finished investigating yet and more time is needed. Plus, she feels like she is putting her entire life on hold for this investigation. She’s going to try to not do that anymore. Maya doesn’t know when the investigation will conclude so there isn’t a timeframe. She can’t wait around forever. She doesn’t want to use the investigation as an excuse either and she knows she has been to a certain degree.

She’s about to leave. And she’s about to drop a bomb before she does so. She knows it’s not fair, but she warned Sullivan. She warned him at Christmas time, and she hasn’t followed through on her threat yet. She thinks his completely forgotten about her threat and that she won’t actually expose him. But he’s got that all wrong.

Maya had volunteered to cook breakfast for the crew. She volunteered the night before. As a gift to the crew because she’ll be gone for two weeks. Everyone knows about her coming vacation and has teased her mercilessly about it since she made the announcement a few days back. Vic was the worst. It is the last meal before she goes. Usually, they don’t have breakfast at the end of shift, but today is an exception. She wants everyone to be seated at the table.

There are eggs and biscuits. Bacon. Waffles. She doesn’t make Carina’s famous French toast. They don’t deserve that, but waffles are a firehouse favorite.

“Okay, everyone.” Maya stands at the head of the table. Her plate at the place in front of her remains empty. They all turn to Maya, still willing to listen to Maya as a captain. “I’m off on my road trip tomorrow but I have some parting information for you all.”

“You found your brother.” Jack pipes up, hopeful as ever. He always wants Maya to reconnect with her brother. A fan of family reunions, probably because he wishes he had one of his own. Also, he knows what it’s like to not have a stable place to live and always feels sympathy that Mason had been homeless.

That makes Maya pause. “No.” She wrinkles up her face for a moment before evening it out.

“Carina is coming to have breakfast with us.” Vic guesses.

“Also, no.” Maya has to take a deep breath. She looks down at her empty plate.

“Your dad is in jail.” Travis mumbles with a shit-eating grin.

Maya smirks at that. That would be a good one. “Listen, I’ve been holding onto something for a long time and now is as good of a time as any to tell you all.”

Sullivan pushes his chair back from the table at Maya’s latest words. Doom washes over him. He knows where this is going.

“No.” She points at him. “You stay here.” She doesn’t want to humiliate him and scold him in front of everyone but at the same time he needs to be present for what she’s going to say for the words to have the most effect.

All eyes glance to Robert before coming back to Maya. The mood in the room shifts, souring, becoming tense. He bows his head but stays seated looking much like a scolded child. She rises her chin, head held high.

“I know that what happened at the scene that got me demoted is my fault. I made a call that went against the chief. I did that. And I don’t regret it. For the record. But what isn’t fair is what happened afterwards, and I believe that you all should be privy to this information as it’s effects your jobs as well. And I’ve been holding onto it because I thought it would have come to light before now-“ She glances in Sullivan’s direction. “-but it hasn’t, so I can’t wait any longer.” She looks around the group. They all sit there with rapt attention.

“Andy is a huge part of this. And there are other things going on there that I’m not going to discuss but she told me that her husband went to the chief after the incident to talk to him. That he wanted to ‘save the station’.” She uses finger quotes around the words. “From what, I’m not sure. Me, I guess. Apparently, the chief was threatening or going to shut down this station.” Maya jabs her right index finger into the tabletop. “Something about budget, but I think that’s probably just bullshit. Nothing’s changed but me being demoted and the station is still here, still open.” Maya shrugs.

“The kicker-“ She looks directly at Sullivan now, obvious. “-he offered himself as a replacement for me as captain. I guess, at least the chief made one smart decision in not allowing that to happen and bringing in Beckett instead. So yeah. I don’t want to discuss it, but I thought you should all know. That’s all.” She takes in the silence and confused looks on everyone’s faces for a moment before removing herself from the table.

Maya goes into the bunk room and sits on her cot. There are fifteen minutes left of their shift. She grabs her phone and sends Carina a quick text. She knows the brunette is likely just getting up and getting ready to go. They are set to be in Spokane by the evening. She just has to finish with work first, head home, pack up a few loose odds and ends and then they can set off on their road trip.

I told everyone.

She hits send and then types out another message.

 I can’t wait to see you and go on our road trip. Love you.

Maya sends that message too and sits there for a moment and thinks about the possibly ramifications of her little announcement before changing out of her uniform. She’s nearly finished when Vic walks into the room. She sighs.

“Was all of that true?”

She didn’t want to discuss it, but Maya spins around to face Vic. “As far as I know. But you did notice that Sullivan didn’t and hasn’t disputed anything. That’s very telling. I’ve approached him about this before. He didn’t deny anything then either.”

“How long have you known this?”

Maya thinks back and shrugs. “Not long after the wedding. So, for months. A long time.” She starts packing up her backpack. “Look, I don’t want to discuss this. You guys can discuss it amongst yourselves while I’m gone, and that’s the reason I told you all today. I don’t want to and can’t be around the discussion. I don’t want any fighting or anger. I’m angry enough. But everyone deserved to know. And I feel better now that it’s out there and I can go on my vacation with my wife and leave everything else here.” She slings her backpack over her shoulder and approaches Vic. She sets a hand on Vic’s shoulder. “What’s done is done. And there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’m in a holding pattern and that’s all. So Carina and I are going to spend a few weeks outside of that holding pattern so I don’t go insane. I had thought we were going to Jamaica but apparently Wisconsin is a better honeymoon according to my wife.” She smiles.

“You like that, don’t you?”

Maya raises an eyebrow in question.

“That you have a wife. That you get to call Carina your wife. That you can use the word as often as you want.”

Maya hums. “Very much.” She squeezes Vic’s shoulder.

Vic shakes her head with a chuckle. “Be safe. Have a good time with your wife.”

“I will.” She winks and steps past Vic. “Try not to get too many firegasms without me while I’m gone.”

She walks out, past the table and the silence that sits there. She doesn’t even look over but knows that Sullivan probably excused himself as soon as Maya was finished.

Maya steps out of the building into the early morning sun. It’s warm on her face and she hopes it’s a good sign for her road trip.


The blonde made sure that they had everything that they needed, that nothing unessential was left on or plugged in, and that everything on her checklist was marked off.

The first portion of their road trip is just over four hours, from Seattle to Spokane, but they stop for lunch along the way, so they don’t get to the first hotel for nearly six hours after they left the apartment.

Day two is longer, from Spokane to Bozeman and through the Rocky Mountains for a large portion of their drive. Carina gets a little queasy at one point and they stop in Missoula for air and a brief walk.

During their travels phone service is in and out, but just as they are approaching Bozeman Maya’s phone dings with a few messages.

Maya is driving so she looks over at Carina. The Italian nods and lifts Maya’s phone from the center console. “It’s from Travis.” Carina reads the message to herself. “OH.”

“Cosa?”

“He says that Sullivan has admitted to going to the chief and trying to replace you with himself. And that he and Andy aren’t speaking to each other or living together.”

“Well, we knew that last part.” Maya hums.

Carina nods and puts Maya’s phone back. “I’m glad it’s all out there now.” Carina takes Maya’s hand, holding it with her left and petting it with her right.

“Me too.” It’s a small relief but a relief none the less. That’s all Maya says. She doesn’t want that to be the focus of their trip. She’s trying to remain positive and upbeat and optimistic.

Day three, is their longest driving day. And maybe it’s a mistake to make multiple stops along the way. The journey is from Bozeman to Rapid City South Dakota.

Carina pulls them off the interstate and heads the few miles towards Deadwood. They walk through the town and learn about the Wild West, Calamity Jane, Wild Bill Hickok, and the Black Hills Gold Rush.

After a little window shopping and a bite to eat, Maya drives them out of town on highway 14A over to Sturgis. “This area is beautiful. There’s absolutely nothing around as far as city and infrastructure but the nature part is gorgeous.”

Carina tends to agree. She’s been looking around the entire time Maya drives, just taking everything in. The Black Hills. All the trees. The same as when they drove through the mountains; Carina stared out the window and took in their grand beauty even if the hills and bends in the road made her feel sick.

“They have a huge motorcycle rally here in Sturgis every year. Did you know that?”

Carina raises an eyebrow. “How do you know that?”

“I’m full of useless information.” Maya shrugs.

“I wouldn’t call it useless.” Carina loves Maya little random facts. She whips them out here and there and they always catch her off guard and make her think, so they are not useless in her opinion.

“Maybe we could go one year.” Maya comments as a few thoughts pop into her mind.

“To a motorcycle rally? I feel like that wouldn’t be our crowd. Also, eww.” Carina pulls a disgusted face.

Maya chuckles. Carina is probably right about that one. “We could take Andrew’s motorcycle.” She whispers, uncertain how the words will be taken.

The idea hadn’t even occurred to Carina. She snaps her head around, staring incredulously over at Maya.

She can feel Carina’s intense eyes on her. “Or not.” Suddenly, there is a hand on her forearm. “Or not. Sorry.” The hand around her arm tightens and Maya finally glances over at Carina. The brunette has that thank you, you’re incredible, I love you look on her face. “Oh.”

“Grazie mille, bambina.” Carina whispers.

Maya tries to focus on the road completely, but her thoughts are churning about whatever she has just provoked in Carina. “For?”

“For thinking of Andrea. For keeping his memory alive. For wanting to take something that was precious to him and have it be precious for us. But I’m not going to a motorcycle rally.” Carina chuckles, her grip on Maya loosening.

“You are very welcome but-“

“Don’t say it.”

“But-“ Maya glances over.

“Don’t say it.” Carina raises a threatening finger. “Don’t say it because I am thanking you.”

Maya notices the little bit of edge and feistiness in Carina right now. Seconds ago, she was thoughtful and reminiscent. It’s probably a good thing they don’t have much farther to drive. After a long seven plus hours in the car Maya is ready to get out and do something else and she feels like Carina is too.

The hotel in Rapid City isn’t anything too fancy. They’ve been staying at hotels that aren’t super expensive. Always just staying the night and leaving again in the morning. Carina never approves of the hotel coffee in the morning, so they haven’t been staying for breakfast. Maya could see it as annoying. There’s a perfectly fine continental breakfast, minus the coffee, but they haven’t sat down to one yet. But she tries to see it as one of Carina’s cute quirks and they end up picking up coffee and a breakfast sandwich somewhere else usually.

“They have an indoor waterpark here.” Maya gasps in awe.

“Si, bella.” Carina knew that when she was making the reservation. “You’ll have to wait a few days for that though.”

Maya pouts. She knows they are going to the waterparks when they are in Wisconsin, but the temptation is there to go down and splash around in the lazy river right now, or go down a water slide or two. She wouldn’t be long. She thinks she could go and be back in forty-five minutes to an hour. Carina won’t miss her too much in that time. “Why not?”

“Why not what?”

“Why not now? What are we doing tonight that is so important?” She envisions them discussing their route for tomorrow and then the places to stop at. Maya is excited to go see Mount Rushmore in the morning.

“Aren’t you tired? Or not tired- but we sat in the car all day.” Carina is filled with a weird sort of energy. “I feel like I need to walk around and stretch or something.”

Maya nods. She starts stretching right there in the middle of the hotel room. “Good idea.” Maya bends at the waist, stretching out her back and the backs of her legs. She bounces a little to extend the stretch.

Carina moves from her spot on the bed. A quick look at Maya stretching like that is all it takes. She moves over to the blonde, running a hand up the length of Maya’s spine.

The firefighter jumps in surprise, not expecting the hand, but then settling and welcoming the now familiar touch.

“Bella.” Carina moans. “I have other ideas than the waterpark.”

Maya smirks. “Is stretching sexy?” She teases.

“Your ass and your legs are sexy. Bent over like that-“ She moans again, not bothering to finish the sentence.

Maya stands up straight, chewing on her lower lip as Carina’s hand moves down to her ass. “Fuck the waterpark.” She mumbles and wraps Carina up in her arms.

Day four, starts out a little later than originally planned due to many hours the night before where they should have been sleeping but weren’t.

Maya has been up for about an hour. She sits quietly in bed, her phone in her hands. She started with looking up local fire departments, checking their sizes and seeing how many stations they have. It’s a curious thing that Maya has been doing along their journey. Compare Seattle, their department, their station with those in cities across the country.

She letting Carina sleep a little extra today. The doctor had complained about being tired last night when Maya wanted to go to the waterpark and then they did things that actually make a person tired and not just that faux tired feeling that you get from riding in the car all day. Today, they have less than five hours to drive so it’s an easier jaunt than yesterday. Either way, Carina is still asleep.

Until she’s not.

Maya feels her shift first. And then hears a little groan. The sheets around Maya’s waist move as Carina pushes herself to sit like Maya with her back to the headboard. The blonde looks over to see a sleepy face and a yawn. “Buongiorno.”

Carina looks over. “I’m sore.” She whines.

Maya laughs. “Mi dispiace?”

Carina chuckles. “The best kind of sore, bella.”

“I know.”

Carina curls into Maya’s side, wrapping her hands around Maya’s bicep. It’s one of her favorite ways to hold onto Maya that isn’t a full on hug. “Whatcha doing?” She rests her head on Maya’s shoulder.

“Just looking at the local fire departments.”

Carina smiles at Maya’s cute curiosity. She nuzzles her nose against Maya shoulder before pressing a kiss to her t-shirt covered shoulder. “Thanks for letting me sleep.”

Maya hums. “I thought about going for a run but then you would undoubtedly wake up and not know where I was and so I decided against it. But once we get to Madison, I’m running that first morning.”

“Okay.” Carina is so grateful that Maya is so thoughtful. Maya knows that even though it just other cities in the United States it’s still a bit daunting to go somewhere other than familiar Seattle as a foreigner, as someone who has an accent, as someone who might not be seen by everyone the same way, as someone who could be berated by others for just where she comes from. Maya doesn’t let hate happen to Carina if she can help it. The hate that Carina and Andrew experienced on the train still sits with Maya. It’s not something that she’s easily gotten over. It made her look at things from Carina’s perspective more often. And it makes her more cautious and protective in public situations sometimes, especially in unfamiliar places.

“It’s late.” Carina notes, putting her head back on Maya’s shoulder.

“I know. If we want to spend more than fifteen minutes at Rushmore we should get going soon.” The blonde says without really thinking.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

Maya shrugs. “It doesn’t-“ She was going to say it doesn’t matter. But that would contradict her previous statement. And it does, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter what time they get going. If they make it to their next hotel at four in the afternoon or seven in the evening, it doesn’t matter. She’s trying not to be so rigid with the schedule and she knows Carina has noticed so far. She doesn’t want to become overbearing or intolerable with following the schedule as they travel but it’s hard to break certain patterns.

“You are absolutely beautiful.” Carina reaches up and taps at Maya’s forehead.

The blonde wrinkles up her face. “What?”

“You.” Carina chuckles. “I know you are thinking about the itinerary and timing and how many miles we have to travel and where we’ll be able to stop and eating depending on what time of the day it is. Your beautiful, complicated brain.”

Maya thinks there’s going to be more to it than that, but Carina doesn’t follow up with anything else. She’s correct though so Maya doesn’t have anything else to say about it. And it seems weird to thank Carina for complimenting her brain. No one has ever complimented her brain before. No one except Carina. And for the longest time, Maya thought all her brain was was messed up. She never thought it was beautiful. She mostly wished she couldn’t think certain things and ignored her thoughts. She hated that her brain seemed to want things she couldn’t have or betrayed her on a daily basis. It wasn’t until Carina came along that there was an alternative way to see her brain and its thoughts. It’s taken a lot of work, but Maya is starting to think it was all worth it. It’s very much worth it to be here sitting next to a half-naked goddess on a pseudo-honeymoon/cross country road trip. It’s worth it to be married and cared for. It’s all worth it and Maya of old couldn’t have ever thought that.

“I love you.” She says in a whisper.

Carina hums. “And I love you.” Her hand roams over Maya’s chest.

“Ah.” Maya grabs at Carina’s wrist. “If we start that room service will be knocking at the door and kicking us out of the hotel cuz we’ve missed check out.”

“So?”

Maya laughs. “We do have places to go.” She delicately untangles herself from Carina and gets out of bed.

Carina slumps over into the spot that Maya was sitting in, a pout firmly on her face.

The blonde pulls on a pair of shorts. “You are very hard to say no to when you do that.” She bends and presses her lips chastely to Carina’s.

The brunette wraps her hand around Maya’s head, holding her there for a moment, thinking she has won.

“But no.” Maya mumbles against Carina’s lips.

Carina flops back onto the mattress dramatically.

“I’m going down to get something to eat.” Maya isn’t going to fall for any of Carina’s tricks today. “What do you want?”

“Just good coffee.” Carina calls out as Maya exits the hotel room with a chuckle.

They are on the road to Mount Rushmore an hour later. After stopping for appropriate coffee, of course.

On the way there Maya asks Carina an innocuous question. “Do you even know who’s on Mount Rushmore?” She keeps her focus on the two lane, windy road that they are on.

“Presidents.” Carina replies too quickly.

Maya chuckles. “Okay, smarty pants, which ones?”

“The first one.” It’s a logical guess. “And the most popular ones.” She knows Maya’s going to laugh at that, and she does.

Once her laughter dies down, she asks a follow up question. Maya is onto the fact that Carina probably doesn’t have a clue. “And who’s the first president?” Maya asks.

Carina isn’t sure. She’s thinking it’s between Washington and Jefferson. She knows those two old guys were in the same period of time. “Uhhhhh-“

Maya puts the turn signal on to head to the park. “Ya know, you’re going to need to know these answers at some point.”

Carina looks over at Maya. She doesn’t know why she would need to know. Maya glances over quickly before returning her eyes to the details of the parking lot they are entering. “If you are going to become a citizen. There’s a test.” She fills in.

Carina knows there is a test. What she doesn’t know, though, is if she is going to become a US citizen, or more so, if she wants to become a citizen. “I know there’s a test Maya.” She looks out the side window as the memorial becomes visible through the trees.

“We should start studying soon.” Maya doesn’t have any clue what would be on the citizenship test, but she imagined it would be things she learned in middle school history class.

“For the test?” Carina wants to clarify.

Maya hums and nods.

Carina hums too. She needs Maya to pump the brakes on the whole studying and test thing. They literally got married less than a year ago. Carina is going to need a green card first. And after that there is a mandatory waiting period before you can apply to become a citizen. Carina doesn’t want to burst Maya’s excited little bubble by mentioning all that; let alone that she doesn’t know if she even wants to become a citizen of the United States. It’s not a discussion she wants to have as they are pulling up to Mount Rushmore. It’s not one she can have as Maya is unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out of the car.

They stop for the night in Sioux Falls with just one more day of travel to go until they reach the main destination. Madison, Wisconsin.

Maya doesn’t know anything about Madison and not much about Wisconsin expect for that they are known for cheese and the Green Bay Packers. That’s about it. She assumes it’s mostly small towns. It’s in the middle of the US. Small towns and a sort of simple living or simple mindedness. So, she a little worried about homophobia and people turning their noses up at Carina and her Italian-ness.

Carina is anxious on their fifth and final travel day from Sioux Falls to Madison. She has certain trepidations about being in Madison again. It’s been a long time since she was in the city. She never really was there long enough to say she knew anything about it other than it was the place where Andrea and mamma lived.

But it was the place where Andrea and mamma lived. She remembers her time there in the winters as peaceful and happy. She was young, and maybe naïve, but it felt good being with her mother and brother in the modest house that they lived in. She’s worried about what she might feel coming back but she also feels like she needs to come back, to see the place, to get something out of it. Maybe to find some sense of healing or closure. At least, Carina is hoping to get something out of this trip. That is the whole point of it. That, and going on an adventure with Maya.

So, when Maya pulls the car into the hotel that they will be staying the next few days at, Carina’s knees bounce anxiously.

“We’re here.” Maya says with a little grin and shake of the head as she shuts the car off. She’s trying to ease Carina’s nervous energy but she’s not sure that she’s helping. “Do you want to get the bags or check in?” They’ve been switching off on those tasks at each hotel and location that they stop at.

“Check in.” Carina knows she would just be pacing the hotel lobby with the bags while she waited for Maya to finish with the check in.

Notes:

who doesn't like a good road trip? And what do we think is going to happen while they are in Wisconsin?

Chapter 53

Notes:

Hello, frens. This chapter (and the next) is like my love letter to Wisconsin. As a Wisconsinite. So #OnWisconsin. It also includes some things that some would call ‘wisconsin nice’ or ‘midwest nice’

Also thanks a million for each and every read, comment, and kudos.

Chapter Text

As previously stated, Maya starts her first day in Madison with an early morning run. It’s then that she realizes that Madison isn’t just some small town in Wisconsin. It’s not as big as Seattle but it’s no small town either. That thought alone has her running a little lighter and feeling a little easier about their stay here. After that, she heads back to the hotel to have a shower and start the day.

Maya is glad that they don’t have to spend the day driving, that they are now going to be spending a few days in Madison and Wisconsin. She leaves all the planning for Madison up to Carina. She knows there will be places that Carina wants to go to and see. Maya has a few guesses as to where they might be but keeps her mouth shut about them.

She notices the quiet and somewhat somber mood that Carina is in. After Maya gets out of the shower, Carina is sitting at the small table and is looking out the window quietly. When she returned from her run Carina was still in the bed. She runs her hand across Carina’s shoulders as she passes behind her. “You good?”

Carina holds out her hand. Maya takes it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Carina nods and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. She’s trying to prepare herself for the day and all of the possible emotions that might come along.

Their first stop of the day in Madison is the high school that Andrew attended. It’s a big brick school. They stand outside for a moment just looking at the building from across the street. Maya stands there next to Carina. The sun is out. It’s a hot June day but what really gets to Maya is the heat. She understands what humidity is. They have plenty of it in Seattle in the winter and spring, in the rainiest months of the year. But most of the time, in the summer when it’s hottest, the air is relatively dry. But this, in Wisconsin, with the sun beating down on them and the humidity in the air, feels like they are in a sauna.

Carina starts walking and Maya follows after her. She shoves her hands in her pockets, but they soon get all sweaty and she removes them again. There’s almost no wind and Maya knows that is adding to the uncomfortability. She’s a runner so she knows hot and uncomfortable fairly well, but she’s not even running right now. They walk around the entire school. It takes up a whole city block. Carina wanders over to the track and football field after looking at the large building. There is a fence around the perimeter but it’s chain link so they can see through it.

“Nice.” Maya mumbles at the set up. She imagines it’s a division one school for its state, being in a populated area, so they’ve got the funds for a nice modern track and football field and facilities.

Carina doesn’t say anything. And Maya understands that she’s probably working through many things in her head. She won’t disturb that and let Carina do what she needs to do and process what she needs to process; but she does wonder if Andrew was at all athletic. Did he play football or run track? Is that why Carina is staring so intently at the football field? Maya makes a mental note to ask about it later. She doesn’t remember seeing any pictures in his yearbook though when they were looking through it at Christmas time of Andrew being on the football team or in any sports.

Eventually, they head back to the car. Maya gets in the driver’s side, starts it up, and cranks the air conditioning to full blast.

Carina punches the address into the navigation system but otherwise doesn’t say anything. Maya does her duty and drives.

They get out of the car once Maya pulls up next to the curb to the address and Maya comes around to the passenger’s side and leans up against the car next to Carina. They both look over at the house. The house that Andrew and Lucia lived in for many years. Maya knows this without even asking.

 “I’ve never been here when it was warm out.” Carina mumbles.

Maya pulls her t-shirt away from her skin, fanning herself with it. “Warm? Carina, the car said it was 94 degrees and it feels like we are in a sauna. I think I would prefer cold over this.”

Carina chuckles a little and looks over at her wife. She reaches over at puts her hand on Maya’s cheek. “Your face is all red.” Maya’s fair complexion always gives her away.

“Yeah cuz it’s like 100 degrees and we were out in the sun over at the school for like an hour.” She’s a bit exasperated about it. It’s obvious.

Carina pouts. “You could’ve said something.”

Maya shakes her head. No, she couldn’t. Carina was having a moment and she wasn’t going to interrupt or disrupt that. She kind of wishes that Carina would talk about whatever she is thinking about and going through today, but Maya knows it could be too much to talk about right now. She knows that her part is to be there and stand tall and be solid for Carina if she needs someone to be strong and solid.

Carina looks back at the house. She knows Maya wouldn’t have said anything too. “I was only ever here for a few weeks at a time in the winter. I think it was three or four times. It looks so different now. Everything is green and lush and not white with snow or brown and dingey without snow.”

“Is it how you imagined?” Maya whispers, unsure if she’s supposed to say something or not.

Carina shakes her head. “Not really. I had never seen it like this, so it was hard to imagine.” Looking up at the house that her mother and brother lived in gives Carina a weird sense of calm. She was nervous as they drove over here. She was worried that it would look different in some way or be gone somehow. Like the house could get demolished and then there wouldn’t be anything left. It’s a little tiny piece of mamma and Andrea that Carina can look at and see them inside, smiling.

It's usually a winter scene in Carina’s imagination. Andrea is young but not too young. He has hot chocolate between his cold hands. His hands are cold from being out in the snow. Carina had refused to go out and play in the snowstorm, but she sat inside, in the front window to the right of the front door, mamma closely behind her, as she watched Andrea play and build a snowman.

Or the image is of them signing Christmas carols together. Or opening presents. Or watching a Christmas parade. Or Andrea is telling Carina something very American that he has learned, and Carina is wrinkling up her face in disgust at him.

“They had a good life here.” Carina is wistful.

“Do you-“ Maya doesn’t dare to finish the sentence. Do you wish that you had a good life here too?

Carina shakes her head though. And Maya wonders if she is possibly thinking the same thing that she is. She doesn’t think it’s possible and that Carina was just shaking her head at something else.

But Carina does wonder what would’ve happened if things had been different. Had she come to live in Wisconsin with Andrea and mamma; what would her life have turned out to be? Would she even leave Italy? Would she abandon her papa? There have been, and continue to be, so many what if’s, questions, wondering if one thing had been different how everything else could have been different. But Carina knows she couldn’t just abandon her father like her mother did.

“She had to move to a different continent to get away from him.” She mumbles, feeling a little agitated now that the memory resurfaces.

Maya barely hears the words. If she weren’t standing so close to Carina right now, she knows she wouldn’t have heard them. She knows the words aren’t meant for her, that Carina is just speaking them out loud.

The Italian looks over though. She knows Maya heard. “It’s pretty fucked up, isn’t it?”

Maya raises surprised eyebrows. Carina rarely swears in English, especially if it isn’t about sexy stuff. Her curse words mostly come out in Italian. The blonde licks her lips in preparation to say something, but Carina beats her to it.

“I don’t blame anyone anymore. But for a long time, I blamed my mother. Or I felt like she could have done things differently. I knew she was going, and I told her to go. You would think things could have been done differently. But then I have to remind myself that in a way she was stuck. I have to remind myself that things were different back then from what they are now. Services and help for mental issues and illness weren’t as available. Even if she knew what was going on with papa. And I’m sure she was scared. I was scared. And she thought I could handle myself and she wanted to take Andrea and keep him safe. I understand all that, but it’s kind of fucked up that my mamma just up and left.”

Maya nods, simple, in agreement. “We don’t always make the best or right decisions in a time of panic.” She references her own past transgressions.

Carina nods, too reminded of Maya’s, their, past experience with a wrong decision in a moment of fear and panic. She reaches over and takes Maya’s hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. She not sure if she’s trying to reassure herself or Maya though.

They’ve discussed Carina’s mother before and her hasty exit from her marriage and Italy. Carina’s feelings of resentment and anger or understanding and sympathy also. Maya knows it’s not an easy subject, that it never will be, so she gives the hand in hers a squeeze for reassurance in return. A silent language and conversation between them with a few hand holds and squeezes.

They stand there for a few minutes silently staring over at the house and Maya starts to worry that they might be bothering the homeowner or people in the neighborhood. The firefighter starts to look around the area. It’s a seemingly quiet neighborhood. Nice, nothing fancy, likely blue collar Americans who diligently go about their daily duties. And almost as if Maya’s spidey senses where tingling telling her something is off, a car pulls in the driveway of the house they are parked out in front of.

A woman gets out of the car and glances over at them. Maya puts her hand on Carina’s wrist with her free hand. “We should go.” She whispers. She doesn’t want to cause any trouble.

Carina looks over at the woman.

She is eyeing them curiously now to see if they are a threat or if they need help or what they might be doing on her property. Technically, they are on the property between the sidewalk and roadway that is owned by the city. “Do you ladies need something?” The woman calls out.

Carina pushes off the side of her car, taking a step forward, but Maya’s hands in her hand and around her wrist prevent her from going any further. “Hi, my name is Carina.” She says with a smile. “This house-“ Her eyes turn to the house. “My mother and brother used to live here.”

The woman in the driveway looks into the back seat of her car. She turns her attention back to Carina.

“We-“ Carina looks over the shoulder at Maya. Maya shakes her head, such a small amount that only Carina sees it. She doesn’t heed Maya’s head shake warning though. Maya wants her to stop; for them to leave. Carina continues though. She looks back to the woman. A petite young lady no more than 30. “We just stopped by to take a look.”

The woman looks back to her car. She raises a finger in the air. “Ope, sorry. Just a minute.” She turns to the car and opens the back door. A little boy stumbles out. “Colton, what do I say about getting out of your car seat?”

Without missing a beat. “That I have to wait for you.”

Carina shift on her feet and it brings the little boy’s, Colton’s, attention to her and Maya.

“Who are you?” He blurts.

“Colton.” His mother scolds. “Where are your manners?”

“I’m sorry, who are you, ma’am?” She scrunches his little face up. There were two of them. He’s not sure how that changes the word. “Ma‘ams?” He looks to his mother for help. The woman scrunches up her face too. She doesn’t know if he is correct in his plural of ma’am. She takes the boy by the hand, and they walk across the grass towards Maya and Carina. “You said you used to live here?”

Carina smiles kindly. “Not exactly. My mother and brother used to live here. I just visited sometimes.”

“What’s his name? Maybe I know him.” Colton asks innocently.

The mother knows her son doesn’t know the man. She assumes this stranger’s brother is of her own age and not her son’s age. “I don’t think you know him, Colt.”

The little boy huffs at his mother dismissing the possibility. How does she know if he knows or not? He pulls his hand from his mother’s in protest and crosses his arms over his chest with another huff.

Carina watches all this before getting down to his level. His eyes go wide for a moment as soon as Carina’s face is level with his. “My name is Carina.” The boy is unimpressed with that. He asked for her brother’s name. Carina chances a look up at Maya. “This here with me is Maya. Do you like firefighters?” She asks the boy.

Now it’s Maya’s turn to huff.

“Yeah.” He tries not to smile, to still be mad and annoyed, but his lips are betraying him.

Carina points up at Maya. “Maya is a firefighter.”

Colton’s eyes get big and wide with excitement. “Really?” He looks up at Maya with a full grin now.

She answers the question. “Yes, I’m a firefighter.”

“That’s so cool.” He stares at her in amazement.

“Yes, it is.” Maya says.

“Where’s your fire truck?” He asks.

The mother looks between Maya and Carina. She’s still not sure what is going on here, but the pair don’t seem to be any threat. And if the blonde really is a firefighter, than she’s someone who can be trusted.

Maya pulls her phone out of her pocket. “It’s back at home, where I live. In the city I live in. But I do have some pictures. Do you want to see?”

“Yeah.” Colton leans forward trying to look at Maya’s phone.

Carina watches as Maya gets down on one knee. She looks to the mother for approval first before showing the boy photos of the engine from Station 19.

Carina extends her hand to the mother now that Maya is busy distracting the boy. “I’m Dr. Carina DeLuca. And like I was saying I used to visit my mother and brother here.”

“I’m Tonya. From where-” The woman shakes Carina’s hand. “From where did you visit?” She notices the accent.

“Ah, si. Italia.” Carina grins. “We-“ She looks to her wife again. “We’re just in town and thought we would drive by the house to look at it. I made Maya stop though. I hope that’s alright.”

“No problem. I just picked Colton up from his grandmother’s and we stopped by the store real quick. That reminds me. I’ve got to get my groceries in the house before they melt.” Tonya moves back towards the car.

Maya begins to panic as Tonya moves farther away from her son.

Carina watches the way the woman walks, the way she carries herself, the way she moves towards the car. “Do you need help?” She offers.

Maya is horrified by the offer and what it implies. She stands, glancing between Colton and his mother, trying to decide what to do. They can’t really just leave Colton with her, can they? Carina can’t be planning to go into the house, can she?

“Oh, that would be great, thanks.” Tonya calls over her shoulder. She pulls out a paper bag of groceries, bending a little gingerly, careful not to move too fast or extend too far. Carina moves across the lawn in a quick little jog and takes the bag in her arms. Tonya pulls another bag from the trunk along with a gallon of milk before slamming the trunk shut.

“This way.” Tonya says and Carina follows her to the front door.

“Come on, bambina.” Carina calls out to Maya. The blonde is horrified. She gets to her feet though. Bambina is a word usually reserved for private. This situation seems anything but private to Maya.

It slips by Maya that Carina feels comfortable on this property, safe. She knows it and has stayed here. Carina has a far away familiarity with the house and the yard and the layout. She’s helped her mamma bring in groceries from the same driveway.

The blonde stares down at the small boy. He shrugs at her before running to the house. Maya follows after him at a slower pace, putting her phone back in the pocket.

Tonya is unlocking the door. Colton runs up to her and wraps his arms around her leg. “Mom what’s bam-bambina mean?” He looks to Carina to see if he has the pronunciation correct.

Carina nods and smiles. The little boy beams back at her. “Bambina means baby or baby girl.”

He scrunches up his little forehead. He looks to Maya. “She called you a baby.”

“Thanks, kid. I know.” It’s almost painful to prevent from rolling her eyes at the child.

“Colton?” Carina gets his attention, pulling it away from Maya. “I always call Maya that.”

“Why? She’s not a baby.”

“In the house.” Tonya calls out, clued into the conversation now and what it means. Colton runs inside. Carina follows in immediately after him. Tonya offers Maya to go next. Maya shares a sheepishly grin and shrugs at Tonya.

“We don’t-“ She looks to Carina but she’s already so far in the house she can’t see her. “If we are bothering you just tell us to leave.” Maya doesn’t want to put this poor women out by them showing up like this.

“Don’t be silly. Come in.” She nods for Maya to go inside.

Maya is hesitant but enters the house. She’s not sure where she’s going but follows the sounds of noise until she reaches the kitchen where Carina is standing at an island counter unloading the grocery bag onto it and Colton is kneeling on a stool watching her. The central air conditioning is a nice reprieve though, so Maya isn’t going to complain about being inside.

“Sit down or get down.” Tonya scolds her son when she sees them kneeling on top of the stool with his little hands on the counter. She knows he knows he’s not allowed to kneel on the stool.

He gets onto his butt and sits on the stool.

Tonya comes over to the island setting her bag on the counter too. “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”

“Can I have juice, mom?” The boy says when he hears his mom is offering drinks.

“You can have water or milk. You already had juice today.”

“Fine.” He sighs like it’s the biggest inconvenience in the entire world. “Milk.”

Carina grins at the boy as she gets done unloading her bag and starts unloading the other. “My brother’s name is Andrew.” Carina remembers his question.

“I like your voice.” Colton blurts.

“Grazie. Thank you.”

“You mean accent, Colton.” Tonya reminds her son.

He nods. “Right. Accent. Like Victor’s grandpa. He’s from Mexico.”

“Cool.” Carina nods.

“Not Victor, his grandpa.” He clarifies to the two new people he just met.

Tonya comes over with Colton’s milk.

“Thanks, mom.” She ruffles his hair with her hand.

“So, a firefighter and a doctor. What kind of doctor?”

Carina smiles proud. “OB/GYN.”

Tonya pauses for a moment before collecting herself again. “That sounds like the start of some sort of joke. A firefighter and a doctor walk into a bar…”

Carina looks over at Maya. “Well.” She wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulders. “No joke but a relationship.”

Tonya scoffs. “That’s crazy.”

“A little.” Carina admits. “Our initial meeting was at a bar. Si.”

The woman is a little unbelieving of the story but doesn’t want to pry into it too much. She changes the subject to something else she is interested in. “So did you want to look around the house, er no?” Tonya asks.

“No, that’s-“ Maya starts to say. She thinks they really need to get out of the woman’s hair now that the groceries are in the house and unloaded from their bags.

Carina cuts her off. “Could we?” She looks around the kitchen at the changes since the last time she was in the room. Nothing major, different paint and new cabinets.

“Sure.” Tonya shrugs. “Just don’t go in mine and my husband’s bedroom. Upstairs, last door on the right.”

“Got it. Thanks.” Carina tugs Maya along. Maya tries to protest but Carina pouts. “Pleeeeease?” The firefighter rolls her eyes. “Grazie bambina, ti amo.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Tonya puts away the groceries while Carina takes Maya on a tour.

The house isn’t all that different from the last time Carina was in it. Some of the rooms are painted different colors than they used to be. The structure is still the same. They go upstairs and open the door to what is clearly Colton’s room. “This was Andrea’s room.” They don’t go in, just stand in the doorway for a few minutes. Maya with her hand on the small of Carina’s back. Carina leaning into Maya’s side.

They come back down after Carina has a minute. Maya is focused on leaving and getting Carina out of the house. She isn’t uncomfortable and she doesn’t feel like they should be intruding on this unsuspecting woman and her child.

“So?” Tonya asks as they round the corner back into the kitchen.

“Thank you.” Carina says solemnly.

“Is your brother- is he-“ Tonya tries to ask the question. She has a hunch and when Carina nods it is confirmed.

“He passed away last year.” Carina reveals the sad truth.

“Andrew died?” Colton asks, clearly catching onto the conversation.

“Yes, he did.” Carina gets a little teary eyed. And Maya wraps an arm around Carina’s waist.

Tonya ushers them into the living room to sit down. “I’ll get some water.” She goes back into the kitchen and tells Colton to not say anything else about Andrew.

The boy pouts, sad. “Is Carina sad now?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.” He hangs this head before thinking of something. He gets down from the stool and runs up to his room the get a teddy bear. He runs downstairs to Carina. “Here.” He holds the teddy bear in his hands towards Carina. “I like to hold him when I’m sad.”

Carina coos. “Thank you, Colton.”

Tonya comes in with the waters. She holds a glass towards Carina first, then offers one to Maya. “Here’s some water but I can make something stronger if you’d like. An old fashioned, maybe.”

Maya is thankful for something familiar. “Sure. Yes. Thank you.”

Tonya makes a brandy old fashioned for Maya. Carina sticks to water.

Maya takes a sip of her old fashioned. “Woah. What is this?”

“An Old Fashioned.” Tonya says confused. She had thought that Maya knew what an old fashioned was when she accepted the drink.

“Nooooo. I’ve had old fashioneds before. It’s whiskey. Bitters, a sugar cube, and water. Sometimes a garnish. And ice.”

Tonya chuckles. “It’s a brandy old fashioned. A Wisconsin staple.”

Maya hums and takes another sip. “I think I like this better.”

“An orange slice, maraschino cherries with a bit of the grenadine, bitters, sugar cube, brandy and ice. Which is much the same. But then to make it sweet we add a lemon-lime soda or sour with grapefruit soda.” Tonya explains the difference. “Yours is sweet.”

Maya takes another drink. “I like this better. I’m ordering this from now on.”

Carina pats at Maya’s thigh, a pleased smile on her face as Maya assimilates with the locals.

The adults sit in the living room talking. They tell Tonya they are on a road trip from Seattle. That they got married in the middle of the pandemic. And about Andrew and Lucia and how they lived in this house and how Carina would come visit in winter.

“How long are you in town for?”

“Just today, tomorrow, and then we are starting our trip back west on Sunday morning.” Maya lays out the itinerary.

Carina grins, squeezing her wife’s knee. “Maya has it all planned out. We are on a strict schedule.” She smiles affectionately over at her wife, teasing her.

Tonya waves a dismissive hand at them. “Chad is the same way. Every time we go somewhere he wants to plan everything to the minute. I keep telling him you can’t do that with kids. They don’t plan things to the minute. And every time, something will happen with Colton and the schedule is all off.”

“Kids are unpredictable.” Carina says astutely. She’s dealt with many cases where babies come early or with little to no warning in her job.

Colton runs into the room. “I found it.” He has a toy fire truck in his hand. “It was under my bed, mom.” He goes over to Maya and puts the truck on the couch cushion next to her.

She picks the toy up. It has buttons on the top. She presses one but it doesn’t make a sound.

“The battery is dead. He used it so much. Which I’m not too sad about.” Tonya grins.

“Daddy says he’s going to fix it, but I don’t know when.” Colton adds.

Maya runs the fire truck along the couch cushion making a vrooming noise. Carina looks wistfully at the little boy as Maya plays with him.

“Do you get to drive the fire truck?” He asks innocently.

Maya sighs. She didn’t used to while she was captain. “I do.” But she has had to again now as lieutenant. She missed driving. There is a certain power in that. Honking at cars to get out of the way. Owning the whole road, if need be.

“Colton, can you go play in the other room.”

He sighs, knowing that tone in his mother’s voice means that she wants to talk to the adults without him around.

Carina wants to argue that the boy is fine, he isn’t hurting anything, but doesn’t go against his mother.

Maya hands over the fire truck and Colton takes it and leaves.

“We bought this house when I was pregnant with Colton. He’s only ever lived here, and I want to continue to grow my family in this house.” She looks between the pair. She’s not sure if this information is helpful to Carina in regards to her own family or her dead brother. “Actually, no one knows this yet but my husband; but Colton is going to be a big brother in about six months.”

Carina gets up immediately and gives the woman a hug. She thought she spotted some signs of early pregnancy. “It’s going well so far?” Her doctor brain kicks in. “No complications? Have you had a 12 week appointment yet?”

Tonya grins shyly. “Some back pain.” She knew when she heard Carina say she was an OB/GYN that she was comfortable with the woman, that Carina was someone who could be trusted. “It’s next week.”

“Wonderful.” Carina returns to her seat next to Maya, taking her hand, feeling a little more clingy than usual. “Not the back pain. But the new little one and the 12 week appointment. Exciting.” Something to do with Andrew and this woman and her talk of a new baby for this house makes her want to hold Maya a little closer.

“My husband should be home any minute.” Tonya says as she glances over at the clock on the wall.

“Should we go? We should go.” Maya starts to stand up.

Tonya waves at Maya to stay seated. “I’d offer for you to stay for dinner but it’s Friday.”

Maya and Carina share a look. “You don’t eat dinner on Friday?” Maya deadpans.

Tonya laughs. “Oh dear. Right, you’re not from around here. Friday nights we go out for fish fry.”

“Fish fry?”

“Yeah.” Tonya nods. “Ya know, breaded fish cooked in a deep fryer. Served with a side of cole slaw and tartar sauce. A piece of rye bread. And French fries.”

Maya is intrigued by what seems like a tradition. “And this happens every Friday night?”

Tonya laughs. “Yes.”

Carina is trying to think back and remember if she recalls hearing of this fish fry idea from when she visited her brother and mother. Either her mother and Andrew didn’t partake, didn’t know about it, or it was just unspoken to her.

“Maybe we should try Friday fish fry, bambina?”

Maya hums.

“You totally should.” Tonya says.

And the decision is made. Carina nods.

“You have to get there early, or it’s packed. As soon as Chad gets home, we are leaving. You could come with us.” Tonya offers. She sees the reserved, hesitant look on Maya’s face. “Dexter’s down on North Street has the best. I think. That’s where we go. You don’t have to sit with us or anything.” Tonya chuckles a little as she realizes that these people might not want to go along with their evening plans. “But that’s the place. If you decide to go.”

Carina turns to Maya. “Should we?”

The look in Carina eyes says she wants to. It’s not begging or pleading but Maya can tell this is something that Carina feels she has to do while they are here. She knows it’s because of Andrew and she can’t say no.

Maya looks over to Tonya. “Can we follow you guys there? I’m not familiar with the area.”

Carina hums with happiness and excitement next to her. She feels like a Friday night fish fry would be something Andrew would’ve done with his college buddies here in Madison.

“Sure thing.” Tonya says.

They have dinner together at Dexter’s Pub. The fish fry is a hit and Maya has a few more of those brandy old fashioneds with dinner while they are there. Which means that Carina will have to drive them back to the hotel.

“Do we have to fish fry on Friday?” Maya asks Chad.

“Yes.”

“Perché?”

“What?” Chad says back.

“Sorry.” Maya looks at the drink in her hand. Wondering if it’s the reason she just spoke to this stranger in Italian.

“Why? I asked why?”

“Isn’t your-“ He looks over at Carina. “Italian.” He catches on to the foreign language and Carina’s accent.

Maya grins, toothy. “My wife.” She looks over at Carina too. She’s playing some game with little Colton. “You can say it. We are married.” Maya flashes her wedding ring. She loves being able to tell people that Carina is her wife. She loves getting to show her off and say hey this perfect specimen chose to marry little old me. “And yes, she’s Italian.”

Chad hums. “Places only serve fish on Friday. So Friday.” He gets back to the original question.

“I couldn’t go to a restaurant tomorrow and order fish?” Maya needs to clarify.

“You could probably get one of those fish burgers, fish patties, but no. They only serve fish fry on Friday night. And that’s mostly the only thing people order. Kids will get burgers or fries. But 99% of adults on Friday night at any bar, pub, or restaurant are having fish. Perch, cod, walleye, blue gills.”

Maya takes a sip of her drink. “This is great.”

Chad chuckles at the awe that Maya has for her brandy old fashioned.

“Congrats, by the way. Hear you’re gonna be a papa again.” Maya grins at the man.

He looks at Maya with wide eyes. Tonya and he agreed not to tell anyone until after 12 week appointment.

Maya shrugs. “My wife can like smell when a woman is pregnant.”

“Wh-what?” The horror on his face is apparent.

Maya takes it in stride. “Oh, she’s an OB/GYN. It’s not some weird fetish thing or something. Also, your wife told us but I’m sure Carina had her suspicions before that.”

When they arrived, it was starting to get busy, but Carina realizes that Tonya was right as they are leaving because the small building is now packed. Every table is filled and there are people waiting and mingling in the bar area to be seated.

“Come here real quick.” Tonya says to Colton as they are filling out of the pub to get in their cars.

“Thank you for inviting us to dinner.” Carina offers.

“You betcha.” Tonya winks. “It was a pleasant surprise. Today. I hope you got what you were looking for when you stopped by the house.”

Carina hums. “I did.” She holds out her hand thinking that Maya will slip her hand into hers. When she doesn’t, Carina looks over. Maya is clearly distracted as she is busy discreetly sticking her tongue out at Colton as he hides behind his dad’s leg, popping his head out only to stick his tongue out at Maya and then hide again.

“Colton.” Tonya scolds.

All goofing around stops.

“We’ll, we gotta get this little troublemaker home and in bed.”

Colton whines. “But it’s Friday night.”

“And we have to be up early tomorrow to go to grandma’s to set up for your cousin’s birthday.”

Colton’s face lights up at the reminder. “Yay!” He jumps in the air.

All of them chuckle at him.

“If there’s anything else you all need while you’re in town just let me know.” Tonya offers. She and Carina exchanged numbers during dinner. She moves towards Carina and gives her a quick hug. Then she moves to hug Maya.

Maya hesitates before deciding to give in to the new person. “What the heck?” She gives Tonya a hug. Maya doesn’t make a habit of hugging strangers and maybe the booze this evening has helped but she does hold a little bit of kindness towards these people that they just met this afternoon. Or maybe it’s the atmosphere. “Okay we gotta get back to the hotel before I sweat through my clothes again. I don’t know how you guys do it. It’s so humid here.”

Tonya and Chad chuckle at Maya. “You get used to it.”

“Come on, bambina.” Carina holds out her hand again. This time Maya takes it.

Colton looks up at his father, wrapping his small hand around his father’s pinky. “That means baby, dad.” He is proud of the new word he learned today.

Everyone, except Maya, chuckles at the boy as they go their separate ways.

Chapter 54

Notes:

Greetings. this is going up a few days later than i would've liked. I been busy.
As always thank you all for reading. and any comments and kudos etc.

We pick up right where we left off. Maya and Carina have returned to the hotel room following fish fry dinner.

Also, do ya’ll know what a DUCK (DUWK) boat is. It’s a vehicle that drives on land and in the water. They were designed and produced in World War II. I love history and in this chapter we have a brief history lesson on Duck boats.
This got kind of long. I hope no one complains. Lol. I got carried away. Oops.
Sexytime in the first section.
Enjoy!

Chapter Text

“That was something.” Maya sits on the end of the bed before laying on her back. Their day turned out to be quite eventful. Carina comes over and sits down and then lays like Maya is, their legs dangling off the end of the bed.

“Thank you for doing all that. I could tell you didn’t want to have dinner with Tonya and her family.” The Italian pats at the mattress with her left had a few times.

“It was nice. Pleasant. Dare I say, fun. Chad seemed like an alright guy.” Maya was leery of having dinner with complete strangers. Though, now, she doesn’t think they are really strangers anymore.

Carina chuckles and then changes the subject to something that she keeps thinking about. “Do you think Andrea enjoyed Friday fish fry?

Maya thinks he probably did. “If he got to have those drinks they gave me, then yes.” She looks over and smiles for Carina.

She finds Maya’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Carina feels all over the place with her feelings about the day. And now that they are back in the sanctuary of their hotel room, she can really give herself over to the day. It was a whirlwind. It had it’s up and downs. But really, Carina feels an overwhelming sense of relief and gratefulness.

It had been years and years since she saw the house. And since Andrea’s death, Carina has felt like she needed to hold onto everything about him. She needed to always remember. She never imagined she would see the house again, that she would step foot in the building again. But then Covid happened and then they got married and any honeymoon that they wanted couldn’t happen right away and Carina got to thinking about something else.

And her amazing wife hadn’t shot the idea down, to Carina’s surprise. She thought Maya wouldn’t want to make a cross country trip, that it would be too far, that she would have to take too much time off of work, that it would be frivolous in Maya’s opinion.

Carina rolls onto her side, placing her left hand in the center of Maya’s chest. Maya glances over at her. Carina smiles and presses a kiss to the corner of Maya’s mouth. “I love you.”

Maya wraps her palm around Carina’s elbow and hums.

“And I appreciate you.” Carina nearly purrs. “Always.”

The blonde closes her eyes and lets out a little sigh. But then Carina is leaning into her, and lips are presses against her own. The kiss is needy, heavy. Carina leans harder against her. The hand on her chest moves up to her grip around her ear, tilting Maya’s head further into the kisses.

“Wait. Wait. Wait.” Maya puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder, putting some distance between them. “Wait, how are you?”

“I’m fine, Maya.” It’s the half-truth. She goes in to kiss Maya again.

She tries to not be pushy and speak evenly and calmly. She doesn’t want to upset Carina, or further upset Carina by being annoyingly insistent. “No. Wait.” Maya actually gets up so that Carina isn’t within reaching distance. “Are you okay? Today was a lot. I know it was. So don’t lie to me.”

Carina huffs. They are so good at recognizing and calling out each other’s thoughts and emotions now. It can be frustrating at times. Like now, when Carina just wants to get it on with her wife. But she does have an infinite fondness towards Maya, for asking, for making sure she is okay.

“I just want to know. You don’t need to tell me how you are feeling. And everything doesn’t need to be processed and discussed right now, but you’re good, right? You’re not just using me to avoid something else?” Maya paces at the end of the bed a little.

“Bambina, come here.” Carina holds out her hand. She tips her head to the side. When Maya doesn’t come to her, she stands up and goes after Maya. “I am okay.” She slips her hands around Maya’s waist, stilling her. “Look me in the eyes.”

Maya takes a deep breath and looks directly into Carina’s rich brown eyes. And she knows. “You’re okay.”

Carina nods. “Thank you. Now-” She tucks her hands into the back pockets of Maya’s shorts. “-I want to get my lady lovin’ on.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “If you insist.” She plays.

“I do insist. You know why?” Maya shakes her head. “Because I have the most wonderful wife in the entire world. Who did so many amazing things for me today. Who made me feel safe and comfortable. Who did things that maybe she wouldn’t have done on her own or if I wasn’t here. I have the best teammate in the world. And now I would like us to team up once more today.”

Maya ducks her head a little, shy with all the compliments. “You are so amazing. I don’t know how you have the strength, but you do. Every time you have to confront something from the past or encounter a difficult situation you somehow forge ahead.” She looks up again when she finishes with her words.

Carina shrugs and looks away from Maya for a moment. “I’m not sure how I do it, either, some days. It helps to know that you have my back, though, and that if I can’t do it, you will be there to help. I don’t always have to do everything alone anymore.”

“I love you.” Maya smiles softly.

The doctor reaches up with her right hand. She rubs her thumb over Maya’s cheek before slipping it across her bottom lip. “Baciami, bambina.”

Maya easily obliges. She slips her arms around Carina, holding her close. This feeling is one of Maya’s favorites. Being close, being held close and just sharing quite moments kissing or hugging. It doesn’t matter what it is. Just being close and secure with Carina is the most important and satisfying feeling.

But when Carina bites and pulls at her bottom lip, Maya is like putty in her hands. Being led back towards the bed, Maya lets Carina guide their movements.

They fall to the bed in a mess of limbs and giggles. Carina’s hands trapped, still stuck in Maya’s pants pockets.

Maya rolls onto her side, their sides, so Carina can at least get one of her hands loose.

“Grazie.” Carina mumbles against Maya’s lips before lapping at Maya, kissing her slowly.

There’s no rush between them. Maya would be content to just lay here and trade kisses with her wife for hours, but she knows that there’s going to be more than just a heavy make out session. She tilts her head for a different angle and can feel Carina smiling into the kiss.

Maya’s hand wanders over Carina’s back, over her ass, grabbing at it and pull Carina’s hips into her own.

Carina hums, pulling back from their kisses to get a look at her wonderful, amazing wife. Maya looks at her with an almost innocent look, but there is the tiniest hint of a smirk on the blonde’s lips. Carina takes a deep inhale through her nose and then resume their kisses.

After a few minutes of moving their hips back and forth in a bit of push and pull tug of war, Maya moves things along further. It’s clear that through Carina’s inaction that she wants Maya to make all the moves. Or needs Maya to. Which Maya is more than happy to oblige to. She slips her hand between them and presses her fingers to the apex of Carina’s legs. She strokes over her jean shorts a few times and it causes Carina to tip her head back and away from Maya’s lips. Maya takes the advantage of Carina’s exposed skin to press her lips to the delicate skin of the brunette’s throat. She feels Carina swallow against her lips.

“Harder.” Carina moans.

Maya isn’t sure if Carina means her fingers or her lips. She goes with fingers, pressing against Carina again, holding her hand still for a moment.

Carina moans and rolls onto her back away from Maya.

The blonde chuckles lightly and raises and eyebrow when Carina shimmies out of her shorts and undies.

Maya moves to kiss over Carina’s knees and thighs. She pushes the bottom of Carina t-shirt up exposing her stomach, pressing kisses there before sitting back. “Sit up.” She nods at Carina and holds out her hand.

Taking Maya’s hand, Carina sits up and Maya pulls the shirt up and over her head. Then Maya moves to sit on Carina’s thighs, in her lap, and pull her own shirt over her head. Carina watches every move that Maya makes with hungry, half-lidded eyes.

The blonde goes to remove Carina’s bra. Carina hands stroke up and down the backs of Maya’s arms in a distracting fashion as she works to unclasp the bra.

“Take your pants off too.” Carina requests. She sits and waits and watches Maya before clambering into her lap.

They are hugging each other loosely. Face to face, chest to chest, hands stroking over every inch of skin they can reach and find.

“I wish you had your strap.” Carina moans.

Maya smiles. “Well-“

The Italian gasps.

“I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how appropriate it was.” She had an idea before they left the apartment. It was one of the last things that Maya grabbed before they left. She knew Carina probably wouldn’t be in the mood with her thoughts of Andrew, especially on the way to Madison but she knew they were going to be gone for a lot of days and that after Madison they were spending some time in vacation mood and not just driving back to Seattle.

Carina bounces in Maya lap like an excited little kid. “Did you bring it?”

“It’s in my suitcase.”

Carina reaches up to Maya’s cheeks, cupping them. “Go get it.” She kisses Maya chastely before getting up so Maya can get up.

“I didn’t know-“ She shakes her head as she rummage through her bag. “I wanted to at least wait. I knew today was going to be the make it or break it day. The deciding factor.”

“Shut up, bambina. Get back here.” Carina is impatient now. Maya takes help but think it’s completely and utterly adorable.

They get all set up and back into a similar position as before.

“Hold me.” Carina requests.

“I will, my love. I will.” Maya wraps both her arms around Carina.

Carina sighs. She sits down in Maya’s lap then, taking a moment to adjust to the feeling.

Maya holds Carina close. She looks into her favorite set of eyes and what she sees in those eyes is pure love and a sense of calm from Carina. “I’ve got you.” She whispers, rocking her hips. Carina is going to have to do most of the work with them sitting like this but if it’s the close intimacy from this position that she wants it will have to do. She waits for Carina to make a move. A nod of the head. Something.

The firefighter presses her lips to Carina’s for a brief moment before moving them to her jaw and then Carina’s shoulder. She presses a series of kisses across her shoulder, finding the clavicle, and then the hollow of Carina’s throat. Carina tips her head back for her and moans. Maya takes the opportunity to lick up the column of Carina’s neck, something she absolutely has become addicted to, finding Carina’s throat and neck beautiful and elegant.

“Maya.” Carina breathes. She rocks against Maya, humming as she does so.

Maya leans to Carina, her lips next to Carina’s left ear. “Ride me, babe.” She husks. “I’ve got you.” She rubs her hands up and down Carina’s back to let her know that her hands will be there to hold onto her.

Slowly, Carina works up a steady rhythm. One that she gives into after a couple of minutes. One that has her picking up the pace as that coil of anticipation and arousal and need tightens inside her until she’s practically bouncing herself on Maya’s lap.

Maya keeps her promise and holds onto Carina. It’s a loose hold for the most part but she makes sure to never let go. Her lips find anything they can reach without moving away from Carina. Whether that’s Carina’s lips or cheek or jaw or collarbone. Arms wrap around Maya’s neck and Carina pulls them together, still steady in rhythm. Maya knows to roll her hips to be helpful and when she does Carina tips her head back, coming down harder a few times, and groaning out in ecstasy.

“That’s it, babe.” Maya whispers. Carina’s grip on her doesn’t loosen and Maya makes sure to run her hands gently up and down her back as Carina stills. Hands roam a little lower, finding supple ass cheeks, giving them a squeeze, and rocking into Carina a little. The brunette moans and shakes as a little aftershock ripples through her body.

“I wish you could feel me clenching your shaft.” Carina practically mumbles, like it’s just a random thought that floated through her mind. Which, it mostly is.

Maya just shrugs.

They sit like that for a minute or two in an embrace. Maya isn’t sure what to call it exactly. Comfort sex, maybe. It’s tender and intimate and like being covered in a warm fuzzy blanket.

But then Carina is moving again, and Maya feels things again. The position not the greatest for Maya to get off but she’s not far from it.

And Carina knows it. She moves back and immediately loosens the harness and pulls it from Maya’s body before lying on her stomach, flat on the bed.

Maya looks down at her. “You don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do.” Carina smiles, somehow warm and sweet, nothing but caring and kind.

She pets her right hand over Carina’s head, taking a steading breath, and nods.

Carina starts by spreading Maya’s folds with her fingers. Then, she takes a lick.

Maya bites on her lip and lays back, giving Carina better access.

A skilled tongue swirls through a thick amount of arousal. She finds Maya’s entrance dipping her tongue in and making Maya’s hips buck in the process. Carina reaches up with her right hand, putting it flat on Maya’s left hipbone with the intention of holding her still. Instead, fingers find her own and tangle together. The hipbone forgotten for a tight grip palm to palm with Maya.

She doesn’t take too much time. And by the sound of Maya’s panting and moaning she knows she shouldn’t, or she might not have a hand that isn’t damage in the process. Carina needs that hand for surgery, so she knows it’s best to get this done before Maya crushes it.

She laps at Maya’s juice again, moving her way up to find the perfect little nub that she so much desires to give all her attention to. Licking, scraping her teeth over, teasing, before sucking.

“Fuuuuck.” Maya moans.

Carina grins against Maya, flicking her tongue over the throbbing bud.

“Stop.” Maya puts her hand on top of Carina’s head, too sensitive now for more.

Carina releases and looks up with a wicked grin, but Maya isn’t looking at her. She chuckles and moves up a little to lay with Maya.

Maya runs her hands through Carina’s hair with her right hand. The brunette with her cheek pressed to Maya’s stomach while her right hand in grasped in Maya left yet. She watches her own fingers grip and dance and play with Maya’s.

“You know-“ Maya ponders out loud.

Carina hums, letting Maya know that she is listening.

“I never really let anyone do that too much.” Maya admits.

They’ve sort of talked about it before. And Carina isn’t surprised now when Maya brings it up again. It’s clear that Maya still is surprised though.

“I was- for lack of a better term- in charge. Or on top.”

“Si, lo so, bambina.”

“With women I was- and men didn’t usually want to go down on me. Not that I would let them.”

“A shame.” Carina turns her head a little, pressing a kiss to Maya’s stomach.

“But I was comfortable enough with you for some reason.” She thinks back to the first time Carina went down on her and how blissful it felt. How she was able to forget everything else going on in her life. How Carina made her feel more than just satisfied from good sex.

Carina looks up to find Maya’s eyes at that. “It was my charisma.”

“I don’t think so. Not that you didn’t, don’t, have a lot of that. I don’t think I understood it at the time. I definitely didn’t. You were different. The exception to all the rules I had.”

Carina nuzzles her noses against Maya’s skin.

Maya pets through Carina’s hair some more as she thinks back. “I let you do things that I didn’t let anyone else do. I did things that I hadn’t or wouldn’t do. It was so scary.”

“But so worth it.” Carina adds.

“So worth it.” Maya sighs. “You’re the love of my life. Easily.”

“Oh, bambina.” Carina pushes herself up onto her elbow and then moves herself so that she is sitting up a little.

“Come here.” Maya flexes her wrist a few times to wave Carina to come closer.

“We are going to have sex every day for the rest of the trip.” Carina tells Maya.

“Oh?” Maya tilts her head to the side.

“Si, bambina.” Carina says like it’s a well known fact. “Now that I’m not- there hasn’t been enough.”

Maya gazes at Carina. Her beautiful woman full of complex emotions and puzzles. She knows that Carina has been preoccupied for the most part, about today and what it might reveal or hold, but now that today is over Carina seems less burdened.

“Che cosa?”

Maya shakes her head. “Nothing. Nothing to worry about, my love.” She runs her knuckles over Carina’s cheek. “Come.”

Maya sits with her back to the headboard, her arms wrapped loosely around Carina’s shoulders. Carina lays between Maya’s legs, her hips turned to the side, so she’s slotted in perfectly. One hand is pressed to Maya’s chest, the other tucked under Maya’s side, her head against Maya’s shoulder.

“I love you.” Carina whispers into the still air. The only sounds she hears are of occasional people out in the hallway and the air conditioning unit in their room.

Maya hums, rubbing her hands up and down Carina’s bare back. “Ti amo.”

It’s quiet for many minutes before Carina starts to yawn and Maya convinces her to get up and go to the bathroom and get ready for sleep. They run through the itinerary for the following day while they wrap up the day and before they wrap up under the blankets for the night.


On Saturday, they visit the state capitol and then walk down State Street to the University of Wisconsin and walk around the campus. They end the afternoon at Lake Mendota.

“You remember State Street?” Carina asks as they lay on beach towels on the sandy beach after taking a dip in the lake. Maya hums, acknowledging. “Andrea said that everyone gathers there for Halloween. The Saturday of Halloween. The whole street is filled with people, totally crowded. He said it is one of the biggest parties in all of the nation on Halloween. Everyone is drunk. One year one of his buddies climbed a tree and got stuck up there. He had to wait until the end of the night when the crowd dispersed, and the fire department could bring a ladder truck in and get him unstuck.” She chuckles at the memory that Andrew had told her. “Every year he would call me and tell me about what happened on State Street during Halloween.”

“Was this good?” Maya rolls onto her side and then stomach. Propped up on her elbows, she looks over at her wife.

Carina holds her hand over her eyes, even though she’s wearing sunglasses, it’s easier to look over at Maya with the sun beating down on them. “Yeah. I think I needed this.” She wasn’t convinced before their trip here or even yesterday.

But when Carina woke up today, she knew that coming to Madison had been therapeutic and healing in some ways. To be able to go to the places that Andrew had walked and stayed and lived has made Carina feel both more connected to him and satisfied that he lived a good life. So much of the focus following Andrew’s death had been on about how young he was, and how he hadn’t met his potential as a doctor yet, and how much of life he was going to miss out on. This trip reminded Carina that his life had been good and solid, and that he had lived and grown as a person. Did he have his struggles? Yes. But everyone does. And coming to Wisconsin has given Carina more perspective on his life as a whole and not just the last few years and months of it.

“Bene.” Maya nods and Carina grins over at her wife. She leans over and gives Maya a quick peck on the lips. Maya lingers after the kiss, humming.

“We should probably find some shade or get inside soon so you don’t turn into a tomato.” Carina teases.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Very funny. I have sunblock on, remember.”

“Oh, I remember.” Carina smirks. “I remember you moaning when my hands rubbed over your lower back and down to your ass.”

“My ass doesn’t need sunblock.” Maya counters with a little pout.

Carina shrugs. “It might.” She wiggles her eyebrows.

Maya can barely see it with the sunglasses in the way. She reaches out and wraps her arm over Carina’s midsection, sliding over towards her.

“It’s hot, bambina, I don’t want you hanging all over me.” Carina whines.

“You are very hot, yes.” She tickles her fingers over Carina’s side.

Carina squirms. “That tickles, Maya.”

Maya tickles harder and Carina squeals and hops away from Maya. She, then, sits up and glares at Maya. The blonde doesn’t bother with the glare. She gets to her feet and holds out her hand. “Come on.” She helps Carina to her feet and then gathers up their things into her arms.

“Where are we going?” Carina asks, though she knows the answer.

“There is only so long I can stare at my wife in a bikini without doing something about it.”

Carina chuckles knowing that they are going back to their hotel room to have sex.


It’s back on the road on Sunday, except that the journey for the day isn’t all that far. They head north out of Madison, getting off the highway at Wisconsin Dells. The sign for the town reads Welcome to Wisconsin Dells. The Waterpark Capital of the World.

Maya wiggles back and forth in her seat. Carina is driving so Maya takes the opportunity to fill herself with excitement. “What should we do first?”

“Check into our hotel. And then I want you in a bathing suit.” Carina pulls up to a red light at that moment. She looks over and winks at Maya.

The wink sends a shiver down Maya’s spine. She might never get over how attracted Carina is to her. It’s like it doesn’t compute in her brain.

“Will you wear the one with the zipper in the front?”

Carina’s words pull her from her thoughts. “Sure.” Maya knows that Carina likes that particular swimsuit as the zipper provides easy access for the things that happen after the swimming and sunbathing.

As promised, bathing suits are put on and they grab towels and head out to the outside waterpark at their hotel. Maya convinces Carina to take a trip on the lazy river with her; after the sunblock is applied, of course. The blonde gets them a two person tube and holds it so Carina can hop it first. The Italian gets into the back position. Maya then pops underneath the tube and up through the hole from the bottom. She faces Carina, between her legs, and grins. “Hi.”

“Hi, bella.” Carina loves how excited and cute Maya is right now.

A tube with two medium sized kids bumps into them and Maya looks over but they are gone before Maya can even say anything about it. She hooks her arms over the top of the tube and lifts her feet off from the bottom and lets the current take them.

Carina shakes her head. “You’re not doing it right. Turn around.” She spins her finger around in a little circle.

“Then I can’t see you.”

“I’ll be right here, bella.”

Maya stands up, stopping them, and turns around. She pulls her legs up through the hole and sticks them over the front of the tube. They float along just taking everything in. The sun is shining. It’s very warm. Not as hot as it had been the last two days but still plenty warm.

“This is really relaxing.” Carina comments and Maya nods in agreement.

They take three full laps around the lazy river before getting out.

There are a bunch of slide and waterpark features for kids. There are only really a few waterslides that adult can use at this hotel. There are plenty of other hotels and waterparks with slides and rides and games and lazy rivers. Splash pools, wave pools. So, this isn’t the only one but it’s where they are right now.

Carina takes Maya’s hand before climbing the stairs to the top of the water slide. It’s the one slide that is outside. The other two are at the indoor waterpark that is attached to their hotel. It’s straight down with a few little bumps in it. “Do you want to go first?” She asks when the line comes to a stop near the top.

“You can.”

“Are you scared?” Carina bumps her shoulder into Maya’s, teasing.

“No, I just want to see you go first and watch you.”

Carina pouts at Maya’s cute and honest reply. “Okay, I’ll go first. And then we’ll come up a second time and you can go first.”

“Deal.” Maya squeezes Carina’s hand.

They get to the front of the line and it’s Carina’s turn. She sits down and grins at Maya as she leans back before shooting down the slide. Maya watches as she hits the water with a splash. She gets in position and starts her descent, making a splash of her own at the bottom. She surfaces and stands up to see Carina standing a few feet in front of her with a huge smile on her face and her arms held out. Maya wades over and lets Carina wrap her in a hug. “That was fun.”

“It was.” Carina agrees.

“Andiamo. Voglio-“ Maya loses her confidence as she can’t think of the right words.

Carina raises an eyebrow. “What do you want?”

“I want to go again.”

Carina squeezes Maya tightly before releasing her. “You’re so precious.”

After a few more trips down the water slide, it was time head back to the room and change. Maya has lots that she wants to do. Carina too. But Maya wants to go to the really cool looking mini golf place that they passed on the way to the hotel.


“I’m not so sure about this.” Carina eyes the putter wearily.

“What’s not to be sure about. It’s mini golf.” The blonde shrugs like it’s no big deal.

“I’m not- I’ve never been the athlete type, Maya. That’s you. This isn’t really my thing.” She chews nervously at her lower lip.

Maya thinks Carina trepidation about mini golf is adorable. “It’s not serious.” She moves to stand in front of her wife. “It about having fun. Look at this place. It’s amazing. The pirate theme. The giant waterfall. 91 holes of golf.” Maya points behind herself.

The excitement in Maya’s voice is palpable. Carina grins. She will admit it’s a gorgeous set up. She just doesn’t think she’s going to be very good at mini golf. She’s only ever tried once before, and it was a terrible experience. A guy she was dating took her on a mini golf date. She had been terrible at the golfing, and he huffed and hummed the whole time about how terrible she was. So, maybe it’s that experience that she’s dreading having again now.

But then Maya’s fingertips press into her stomach and the blonde leans closer to her. “Just have fun. I will try to not make it a competition, but you know me. Competitive Maya.” She smirks a little. “But, babe, we can’t pass this opportunity up.”

“We’re not playing all 91 holes, though, right?”

Maya shakes her head. “I’ve only paid for the one course. So eighteen. And it’s the medium difficulty course, so we should be fine.”

Carina doesn’t know about them being fine. Maya might be fine, but she doesn’t think she will be fine.

“I’ll buy you an ice cream afterwards.” Maya whispers.

Carina raises an eyebrow. “Are you bribing me?” She smiles.

“Maybe.” The blonde grins affectionately. “But I already paid for both of us to golf eighteen holes so-“

Carina slips her hand to Maya’s hip. “Maya Bishop.”

“Carina DeLuca. Why are we saying each other’s full names?” She chuckles.

Carina closes her eyes and shakes her head softly. Maya takes the opportunity to lean in and press a gentle kiss to the corner of Carina’s mouth.

“Okay.” The Italian sighs happily, ready to golf no matter the outcome.

In the end, Carina isn’t as terrible as she remembers. And she has fun. Just like Maya said. The blonde tries to keep her competitive streak on the down low, but she can’t help but tally up the score in the end and let Carina know that she beat her by nine strokes.

“Do I get to pick out my own ice cream?” They walk by the ice cream freezer to return their putters.

“Whatever you want, my love.”

Carina rocks forward on the balls of her feet in front of the chest freezer, looking over the options. “What do you want?”

“I’m not having one. I’ll just have a few bites of yours.”

“You will not.” Carina folds her arms over her chest. “It is my ice cream.” She pouts.

Maya laughs. “Okay, fine. Get two of whatever you’re having.” Carina’s pout turns into a happy grin again and Maya can’t help but grin along. The day has been amazing so far.


“I feel like a slouch.” Maya looks down at her outfit as they get ready for dinner. “I don’t feel very attractive.”

Carina clicks her tongue and moves towards Maya. “You are very attractive.” She turns Maya’s words around.

“But I’m just wearing nice jeans and a fitted t-shirt.”

“And?”

“And it’s not the most attractive.” Maya tries to reason. She feels like she should be wearing something fancier, flashier.

Carina wraps her arms loosely around Maya’s waist. “Oh, bella. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what you wear. You know that I am always attracted to you.”

“Yes but-“ Maya thinks about it. She’s not sure why she feels so insecure right now. Earlier she was in a bathing suit in front of tons of people and it wasn’t an issue. But now it’s different, like, now that she’s not wearing what everyone else is and they are going out to dinner she doesn’t feel adequate enough. “There’s a difference between feeling attractive yourself and feeling someone’s attraction for you.”

The brunette hums. “What can I do?” She wants to help out.

Maya isn’t sure. “You look wonderful.” She tries to deflect.

But Carina doesn’t let her. “What can I do?”

Maya sighs. “You’re doing it. Hold me. Tell me I’m pretty. Hold my hand as we go to dinner. Walk confidently like you’ve got the most amazing wife in the world. That will help.”

“Consider it done.” Carina seals her words with a quick kiss. “Now, I just have to run a brush through my hair, and we can go.”

Their dinner is amazing, the food is amazing. Maya tops it off with a local beer, Spotted Cow, and an order of cheese curds. She burps, full. Carina chuckles. “This is great.” Maya mumbles with her mouth full. She indulges. It’s not something she would usually eat. It was never something Lane allowed her to eat. She was worried about what people might think about how she looked, but as soon as they sat down at their table and in their own little world, that worry faded away. It helps that Carina’s eyes are always on her. It helped that Carina would softly run her foot up the inside of Maya’s ankle. It really helped when Carina took the lead, and spoke with the staff, and held Maya’s hand as they were led to a table.

Maya enjoys taking the lead and being ‘in charge’. It made her a good captain. Planning and organizing and overall, just having control, but she’s learning that it’s just as wonderful when Carina takes control. Carina is smart, and capable, and a good leader and Maya trusts her beyond anything. She can willingly hand control over to Carina and relax. It’s one of the best things that has happened in her life with Carina. That she didn’t have to be in control all the time and at the same time when Carina was in control it didn’t feel controlling. It isn’t like strict diet and five in the morning runs. And it is wonderful.

Carina looks across at her wife and she knows she’s happily maybe sappily smiling over at the blonde. She’s only seen Maya this laid back and relaxed a few times. And it is a sight to behold. It’s beautiful and she feels lucky to see and experience it.

“Sei bellisima, bambina.”

Maya is preoccupied with her thoughts and her remaining cheese curds. She swirls one around in ranch before looking up at Carina’s words. She stares over at the wife. Carina lips curl up at the sides, her simple smile becoming more lively.

“Sei bellisima, bambina.” She repeats.

She’s just eating cheese curds. She’s not sure how Carina thinks that is beautiful, so she shrugs.

“No shrugs.” Carina shakes her head. “Sei bellisima.”

Maya blushes but then holds out a cheese curd across the table to Carina. The brunette leans forward, opening her mouth, and Maya slips the curd carefully in.

They can’t dawdle at dinner though, because they have tickets for the DUCK boat river cruise. Carina might be most excited about this part of their day. A tour in a vehicle that drives on land and water. She knows about the Duck boats from history, from Italian history, from World War II. The Duck boats first use was in Sicily. Carina knows this and is interested to see if the tour company will bring this fact up.

Everyone gets on board and the vehicle starts rolling and the tour guide starts with her monologue.

Carina sits against the outside wall of the vehicle with Maya to her right. The blonde slips her arm through Carina and leans into her side and looks out in the same direction that Carina is looking as their tour guide drives them away from the Duck boat company building. They get on the road with all the regular traffic. Maya thinks for a moment if it’s safe, but it must be because this company has been doing this since 1946.

They stop at a red light and the guide asks a question. “The Duck boats were used by the US military in World War II. Does anyone know why?”

A man responds. “To deliver troops and supplies from ship to shore during amphibious assaults and invasions.”

The guide nods. “Correct. They were vital to transport. They were used on D-Day at Normandy when the troops stormed the beaches there. But does anyone know where the Ducks were first used?”

“I do.” Carina speaks up when no one say anything after a beat.

The tour guide looks up into a big mirror above her to look at the crowd. “Go ahead.” She’s a little surprised that a woman has the answer to this question. Most of the time, unless it’s a big World War II buff or Duck boat buff, people don’t know the answer to this particular question.

“Sicily.” Carina says with a smile.

Maya pulls her arm out from Carina’s and leans away from her in surprise and shock. “How do you know that?” Maya whispers, rhetorically.

“That is correct.” The tour guide grins. “I don’t get too many people that know the answer to that one.”

“I’m from Sicily.”

“Ahhh.” The guide nods. “A world traveler.”

“Well, I live in Seattle now.” Carina grins.

The whole group seems to take Carina in with awe and intrigue now.

“The Duck boats, as our Sicilian guest has said, were first used in the Allied invasion of Sicily in Operation Husky on July 9th, 1943. It was the largest amphibious operation of World War II in landing zone size and number of divisions put ashore on the first day. The weather conditions were horrible, and the Italians were surprised because they didn’t think anyone would try to land in such poor conditions. They also didn’t plan for any battles on the beaches. So, the landings themselves were met in most places with little resistance from the Italians; but once the Italians knew the Allied forces were there, battles took place.

“I didn’t know any of that.” Maya whispers to Carina, tucking herself into her wife’s side once again. Carina hums and nods.

The tour continues as the vehicle dips into the river. The scene is gorgeous. The sun is low in the sky. Not to sunset yet, there are still a few hours before it dips below the horizon, but the light that the sun provides in the tree-lined valley on the river is absolutely beautiful. It’s like a painting by Bob Ross but in real life. Lots of people take photos with their phones so Maya gets hers out. Carina is looking out over the water so she snaps a few shots of Carina in the foreground with the river and trees in the background.

“Bella, stop.” Carina grins after she hears the shutter sound from the phone clicking a few times. She swings her head around. Maya snaps a few more photo, this time of Carina’s smiling face and not just her profile.

Carina reaches up and wraps her palm softly around Maya’s wrist, pulling the phone down gently into Maya’s lap. Maya grins like she has a secret when, really, she’s just happy and proud to be with Carina. They are surrounded by strangers, but Maya could care less. She’s only got eyes on Carina, for Carina. Their tour isn’t so much romantic, but it is very lovely and beautiful. It’s a unique experience, that’s for certain.

After the Duck boats, Maya practically begged Carina to go to the indoor waterpark in their hotel. The slides were better than the outdoor one. The lazy river was just as great. The hot tub was a wonderful plus.

That’s where they find themselves now. It’s close to closing time and most of the parents and children have vacated the premises. There is a woman in the hot tub across the way from them. She has her eyes closed, and if Carina had to guess, she thinks the woman is taking advantage of this time in the hot tub by herself while her spouse looks after the kids.

“We should come back here. I like this place.” Maya speaks softly next to her. “We didn’t have time do all the mini golf courses at Pirate’s Cove. And there’s so many other waterparks than the ones at our hotel.” Maya whines.

Carina laughs. “You’re like a giant kid.”

“I never got to do stuff like this.” Maya never got to do many fun things as a kid. They went camping as a family for a few summers before her running training started. But they were never far away from the house. Not more than an hour or two at the most. And never out of state. There were never any other family outings. They didn’t go to amusement parks, or waterparks, or the fai,r or anywhere really that had fun kid activities.

“We can spend more time at the water parks than just a few hours or go multiple days in a row. And the amusement parks. And the Duck boat was fun, and the scenery was beautiful, but I don’t know if I need to do that again unless there was someone else with us. I didn’t know you knew about Duck boats. Or that they were first used in Sicily. Or that-.” Maya trails off, thinking about their day. She thinks Travis and Vic would love the waterpark, amusement park, the shops, and the food. They would be two people that would enjoy a vacation to Wisconsin Dells. Maya knows, logically, it’s a long way to go from Seattle for these trivial things and that they could find them in the state of Washington or on the west coast somewhere. But this place feels really unique. “I really like the food. And everyone seems so nice and hospitable. There are families everywhere. There’s so much to do.” Maya floats around until she is in front of Carina. She reaches down and finds Carina’s thighs, rubbing her hands over them before resting them near her knees.

Carina sighs wistfully. She feels bad for Maya’s repressed childhood. Carina watches as Maya speaks now with excitement. And she could certainly see herself bringing her family here. Her and Maya and a couple of their own kids.

“And I think I saw a sign earlier for adult entertainment in the evenings.” Maya continues with a little naughty smirk on her lips now.

“We can certainly come back.” The brunette grins. She’s not sure if she wants to go out to ‘adult entertainment’ with Maya or if she wants Maya to be the adult entertainment.

“Bene.” The blonde nods. She looks around. The place is pretty empty now. It’s getting near closing time. Maya floats around in front of Carina for a bit. She smiles as she appraises her wife. Carina’s easy smile and the way her hair is slicked back wet. Or the way Carina’s fingers find her waist under the waterline.

Carina gives Maya a little wiggle of the eyebrows. A secret, playful little look to let Maya know that she is done being innocent. Maya shakes her head before nodding towards their third wheel. Carina chuckles and rolls her eyes. “Sit next to me.” The Italian whispers for only Maya to hear.

Just as Maya moves, their third wheel does too. The woman moves to the stairs and steps out of the hot tub. Either, getting the hint or having come to the end of her alone time.

It only takes Maya a second to move to sit across Carina’s lap, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Carina’s hands find Maya’s waist, arm slipping easily around Maya, hands clasped together on her opposite hip. They waste little time in finding each other’s lips, leaving teasing little kisses on each other’s lips and cheeks.

They stay cuddled together in the hot tub until the lifeguards blow their whistles and make everyone that remains in the waterpark leave for the night.

Maya follows Carina back to the room. The brunette seems to be moving at a quicker than normal clip, Maya realizes that Carina is in a hurry for something. Once they are back in the room, Maya finds out why as Carina turns on the shower.

“Let’s get these tette rinsed off.” She cups Maya’s breast, standing behind her. Maya leans back against Carina, basking in the touch.

After a shower, and a little shower sex, Maya wraps up everything for the day, coming to bed. Carina is already laying down, tucked in under the blankets. The blonde takes a big deep breath before climbing into bed.

“What was that for, bella?” Carina smiles.

Maya cuddles into Carina’s side. “I’m just really happy.” She whispers.

And Carina is really happy that Maya is happy. Things have been so difficult for Maya in the last nine months to almost a year now with her job and Carina has seen the toll it’s taken on Maya. It isn’t ever anything big but it’s like this slow, one day at a time, day by day, chipping away at Maya’s armor. That shield that Maya has and puts up to protect herself is slowly getting weaker with every blow that it is forced to take.

She presses a kiss to Maya’s head. “I’m happy you’re happy.”

Maya tries to look up to find Carina’s honey brown eyes. “Aren’t you happy?”

Carina chuckles. “I am, bambina. I just said I was.”

“No. You said you were happy that I was happy. There’s a difference.”

Carina can’t help but smirk. “You are right. There is a difference. But I am both. I am happy that you are happy. And I am happy. I am happy that we made this trip. I’m happy that you wanted to and agreed to join me. I’m happy that we went to Madison. I’m happy with how that turned out. I’m happy that the place where Andrea and mamma lived is in the hands of a good, growing family. I’m happy that I could see it and go inside. That was beyond amazing, and I think super helpful. I’m happy to be here, with you, right now. I’m happy that we are taking some time away from Seattle.” She’s not sure if she should have said the last one because she knows Maya will think about work now. “I’m happy, Maya. I’m with the love of my life. My wife. We are having a good time. There are no worries. I’m happy.”

Maya hums. “Good.”

Carina chuckles. “Dormi ora.”

Maya nods. “I’m going to stay just like this. Buona notte, amore mio.”

“I fucking love you.” Carina sighs feeling incredibly grateful.

Maya squeezes at Carina’s waist. “And I fucking love you too.”

They both laugh. “Buona notte, bella.”

Chapter 55

Notes:

Thanks all for reading. Thanks those who have the energy to leave comments. Thanks to any kudos.

The road trip is coming to an end. The next chapter we pick back up with events that happen at the beginning of season five. Which i'm a little fearful about. I still don't know how or if i want to navigate the mess that is the second half of season 5. But i will for sure write through the christmas episode.

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

The resting stop for the night is Minneapolis; but there are two stops to make before they get there.

Maya drives away from the waterpark hotel with a content sigh. Carina looks out the passenger’s side window as Maya negotiates morning traffic, taking in the sights one final time as they drive out of town. The blonde eventually pulls them into a local coffee shop. “Stay here.” She puts a hand on Carina’s knee.

Carina looks over and furrows her brow at the blonde.

“Just- I’ll get your coffee and something to eat.” Maya amends. “I want to-“ Maya shrugs. “I want to.” She nods resolutely.

Carina pulls her lips to one side while she thinks. “It’s really okay, bambina. I appreciate the gesture. But I can come in.”

“No, stay here.” Maya tries to convince. “Let me do this for you.” She wants to show Carina that she can do things like get her breakfast. As silly as that might seem. Because they both know that Maya can handle most things, including breakfast. It’s a sense of pride and accomplishment and something she should start doing more often. Happy wife, happy life, right? Maya thinks she should start bringing Carina coffee or a croissant at the hospital on her days off when Carina is working. It could be a regular thing for them. Or Maya should surprise her more often. She is terrible at spontaneity, but Maya thinks she should try more at that too.

“Okay, if you insist.” Carina smirks.

“I do.” Maya bites her lip at their little word reversal from the other day. “I love you so much.” She’s not sure why she feels so emotional about it right now. It might have something to do with how great the last few days have been and how happy she is. Maya feels like she should thank Carina or something for being a part of that happiness.

“I love you, bella. So much.” Carina rests her hand on the side of Maya’s face. She’s not sure what’s going on with Maya. But she does like seeing her so happy and carefree and almost grateful.

Maybe it’s the vacation. The getting away from work and their schedules and the stress of everyday life. Maybe it’s being far away from where they live. Maybe it’s the fun that they had yesterday. Maybe it’s Wisconsin, this place. Wisconsin Dells almost seems magical, and Maya is a little remiss that they have to leave today. She still stands by what she said about coming back.

“And we should definitely come back here.”

“Okay.” Carina grins. They stare at each other for a moment. “Breakfast?” She reminds Maya.

“Right. I’ll be right back.”

The Italian’s brow furrows further as she watches Maya walk into the building.

It’s there last day before they head west again. The plan is to make a few pit stops before driving to Minneapolis to stay for the night and then take I-94, the more northern route, back to Seattle. But first, they travel 14 miles south to Baraboo to visit Circus World Museum.

The grounds hold much history and have a plethora of artifacts and interesting information of the circus.

“I didn’t know Wisconsin had so many historical ties.” Maya mumbles when they find out that Baraboo, where they are, where the museum is, was home to the Ringling Brothers and was the circuses headquarters and winter grounds.

Carina hums. She did not know this either.

“This is a National Historic Landmark. It’s on the US National Register of Historic Places.” Maya is in awe.

Carina walks ahead of Maya, viewing the circus wagons, the posters, artifacts. Maya is more of the stop and read every sign type, so she lags behind Carina a little.

They sit and watch the magic show. Carina isn’t too interested in the live circus portion, so they leave before that starts.

Then it’s to The House on the Rock. Maya and Carina spend the entire afternoon walking around the house and the buildings looking at all the unique and eccentric things. There’s so much to see and maybe it would’ve been a better idea to come when they had more time or an entire day to dedicate to the place. But it is what it is, and they make the best of it.

“That was so cool.” Carina climbs into the passenger’s seat.

“So cool? What are you? Twelve?” Maya chuckles.

“Shut up.” Carina slaps playfully at Maya’s forearm as she starts the car.

“It was cool. A bit overwhelming-“ Maya looks around the vehicle. “-but cool.” She backs out of the parking space.

“Bambina.” Carina sighs the term. “You could have said you were overwhelmed. We could’ve gone.”

Maya shrugs. “You were having fun and it wasn’t like a dreadful sort of overwhelmed. It was just a lot to look at. A lot of stuff. I was good. I am good.” She tries to reassure her wife.

Carina reaches over, setting her palm on the back of Maya’s neck, rubbing lightly against at the skin with her thumb. She massages over the shoulders too before just resting her hand there. It’s no secret that she has a thing for her wife’s neck. Whether it’s wrapping an arm around it playfully, or to bring Maya into a searing kiss. Or if it’s to massage the muscles of her shoulder and neck area after a long day or a long shift. Or even to kiss and lick and taste when things turn sexy.

The blonde tries to focus on the road but it’s difficult with Carina’s hand on her. She doesn’t say anything though because she doesn’t want Carina to remove said hand. It’s pleasant and lovely, even if it’s distracting. It’s better when Carina stills her hand though, just leaving it there.

It’s late when they get to Minneapolis, and they just check into the hotel for the night, find something to eat, and then cuddle up watching some nonsense on the tv before falling asleep.


The drive from Minneapolis to Fargo, where they stop for lunch, is not all that exciting. There is lots of good scenery but most of their time is spent jamming out in the car.

Maya knew that Carina loved listening to Italian ballads and was familiar with the most popular songs from the sixties through today but what she discovers during their road trip is that Carina has a knack for certain rock groups. Eighties rock groups, more specifically. So, they spend a lot of time listening to the rock and classic rock stations and jamming out.

She is more of a top 40s hits kind of gal but loves that Carina can rock out and rocks out with her. They sing and scream songs at the top of their lungs for large portions of their drive time. Sometimes there are quiet hours. It can’t be all high octane all the time, but Maya feels closer to Carina somehow with this newfound knowledge. It wasn’t like they were ever sitting at home and just listening to radio stations. Sure, there are playlists on computers, but there’s something so organic about listening to something where you don’t know what the next song is going to be. There is a certain anticipation felt with that and it's invigorating.

They make a stop about halfway between Fargo and Bismarck to visit a sculptor of The World’s Largest Buffalo.

“Come on.” Maya tries to wave Carina over towards the giant buffalo. “Vieni qui.” She uses the words and that gets a smile and Carina’s feet moving. Carina thinks it is a silly thing to stop and see a big buffalo but likes Maya’s enthusiasm.

“Sir?” Maya tries to flag an older gentleman down. “Would you take our picture in front of the buffalo?”

Carina grins at the fact that Maya is going out of her comfort zone to ask someone to take their photo. Captain Maya Bishop can command a scene and delegate orders with no effort, but Maya isn’t someone who easily asks for a favor or help. She doesn’t want to be an inconvenience, but here she is, and Carina couldn’t be prouder of her.

The man comes over and Carina smiles kindly at him.

“Thank you.” Maya says and holds out her phone. “Just a few. Some up and down and then sideways.” She instructs.

“Yes, ma’am.” The guy smirks.

“Sorry.” Maya ducks her head, knowing that she sounds bossy.

Carina clicks her tongue. “She’s a fire captain. So, she likes bossing people around.”

“Carina!” Maya looks over at her wife with horrified eyes. Not only are Carina’s words not true, but Maya also can’t fathom how she could just blurt them out like that in front of a stranger.

The man smiles finding the pair funny. He stands back and aims the phone camera at the couple. Carina wraps her arm around Maya’s shoulders and Maya slips her arm around Carina’s waist.

The man takes a few photos and then turns the phone sideways to get wide angle shots before handing the phone back to Maya. “There ya go.”

“Thank you, again.” Maya nods and looks at the photos. They look like they turned out alright, so she pockets the phone.

“Have a good one.” The man smiles and waves as he walks away.

“I can’t believe you said that to him.” Maya grumbles, annoyed. “I’m not a captain anymore.” She huffs, the feelings of failure coming back. She had let them go and forget about them for the majority of their vacation so far. Maya starts to walk away from the giant buffalo.

“Hey.” Carina reaches out and catches Maya’s wrist but the blonde tugs trying to get Carina to let go. “Bambina.” She sighs. “You’ll always be my captain.”

Maya stops and closes her eyes. Her ridiculous wife and her ridiculous words and how they always make her feel things.

Carina takes the opportunity in Maya’s pause to move closer to her again, and wrap her arms around Maya’s shoulders from behind, draping herself over Maya’s back. “I love you. You are a strong and capable captain. I want you to remember that.”

The blonde simply nods. It’s hard to remember sometimes. It’s hard to not dwell on the event that got her demoted or fired, or whatever she is, from being captain. It’s a hit on her self-confidence and her abilities to lead and be a captain. It makes Maya feel shaky about how good of a job she did or didn’t do as captain. Makes her question everything. Gives her a complex.

“Let’s go.”

Carina shakes her head. “We have to race.” Maya tries to look back at Carina. “Around the buffalo. Three times and then back to the car.” The blonde raises an eyebrow. “To give our legs exercise. We’ve been sitting in the car all day.” Maya nods, going along with the silly idea. “On three.” Carina moves to stand next to Maya, crouching down a little in a runner’s stance. “One. Two.” The Italian takes off running before she says three. “Three.” She yells and laughs as she runs, leaving Maya standing behind her.

It doesn’t take long for Maya to catch up. She passes Carina and then starts to lap her. “You’re not even trying.” She sees that Carina is merely jogging as she comes up behind her.

Carina just wanted to be silly. She wasn’t serious about actually racing. She wanted to have a laugh. And she does. She laughs when Maya comes up next to her. “Just jog, bella. Go slow.”

Maya groans. She doesn’t think she can go slow. It’s not possible for her. It’s not in her DNA. But Carina somehow always gets her to do the impossible. So, with a pout and a pretty please from Carina, she jogs along with her until they make three complete passes. Carina then takes her hand and drags Maya away from the buffalo statue over to a grassy area and they sit down.

“What are we doing?” Maya questions as she sits across from Carina. She mirrors her position, knees out, ankles crossed in front of them, pretzel style.

“Just taking a minute. You can call it meditating or whatever you want. Here.” She holds out her hands, palms up. “Take my hands.” Maya does. “Now close your eyes and just focus on your breathing.”

Carina closes her eyes and Maya does too, at first. She opens them after a minute and watches Carina. Stares at her, taking in her features in the sunny light. The sun is behind Carina, and it makes her sort of glow. And with her eyes closed she looks absolutely peaceful and radiant.

“You’re so beautiful.” Maya whispers.

Carina chuckles. “You’re so stubborn.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “This isn’t my thing.”

Carina opens her eyes then. “It’s not really my thing either. I just thought we could try it. Have a peaceful few minutes before we set out in the car again.” She rubs her thumbs over Maya’s knuckles.

“I think the kids screaming and yelling in the background prevents it from being peaceful.” A family of five argues over placement for their picture in front of the buffalo.

“Should we go?” Carina asks, seeing that any peace they may have had is now gone. They can find peace somewhere else. In the car or at their next hotel.

They get back on the road a few minutes later, leaving the screaming children behind at the giant buffalo and make it to Bismarck before dinnertime.


Carina is driving. They are somewhere between Bismarck and Billings. There was just a stop for coffee and a bite to eat.

“This is the best coffee ever.” Maya exclaims and takes another sip.

Carina looks over at her very briefly. She takes Maya’s cup from her hand and has a drink, tasting it carefully. “No, it’s not.” She hands the cup back.

Maya looks at Carina. She’s not deaf to the annoyance in Carina’s voice. The Italian is driving and keeps her eyes on the road.

“So, you know what my tastebuds are telling me?” Maya smirks. This could be a fun playful teasing.

“Yes.” Carina nods once, resolute, serious.

Maya laughs. “Look, I know you are serious about coffee, but this is great.”

“No.” Carina grips at the steering wheel tighter.

Maya takes another drink. “I really think it is.”

“That’s so offensive, Maya.” The brunette groans.

“It’s just coffee, Carina.”

“It’s not ‘just’ coffee.” Carina’s lips twitch in annoyance, wanting to say more. She knows she shouldn’t though. She doesn’t want to fight about something as silly as coffee. The road trip might be getting to her. Carina wonders if this would be a ‘fight’ if they were at home. It wouldn’t. She knows it’s wouldn’t.

Maya thinks she better leave it because Carina does seem annoyed. She doesn’t want to upset her. It was supposed to just be a little teasing.

It’s quiet between them for a few minutes. Carina pulls over at the next rest area. “Get out.” She keeps her eyes straight ahead.

“Excuse me?” Maya gapes over at Carina. She can’t believe what Carina just said. Are they going to duke it out over coffee in the rest stop parking area?

“I said get out.” She slowly turns her head, venom in her eyes.

Maya opens her mouth to say something but then smartly shuts it again. She sees the annoyance and, apparent, anger that Carina has within her. She reaches for the door handle, opening her door slowly, thinking that Carina will eventually renege on her demand. But Maya gets the door open all the way and Carina just stares at her.

“Okay.” Maya holds one palm up in the air, the other unbuckles her seatbelt. “I’ll get out.” She’s not really sure what else she’s supposed to do and she’s not sure what Carina’s idea is either. Maybe Carina is going to make her drive as punishment for saying the coffee was great. Or maybe Carina just needs to be alone in the car for a minute.

Maya gets out of the vehicle. “Okay-“ She ducks her head down to look back in at Carina. “Now what? You’re not going to-“

Carina hits the accelerator and speeds off.

“Drive off.” Maya mumbles, the rest of what was supposed to be a sarcastic sentence, in disbelief. She watches as the car and Carina pull out of the rest area and back onto the highway.

She looks around. There are a man and women in a car a few spaces away watching her. Maya assumes they saw everything that just happened. She gives them a tight lipped smile and a small wave before ducking her head in embarrassment. She curls her shoulders inward and moves towards the little building that houses some vending machines and bathrooms. She doesn’t have her phone or her wallet. And she’s stranded at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere. Maya was insistent to prove her point and that she was the correct one in their ‘argument’ but at what cost?

She uses the bathroom and then goes to sit at a little table inside the building. There’s not much else she can do. Carina will come back for her. Right?

Carina drives down the highway, irritation coursing through her body. She realizes her grip on the wheel is so tight. She takes her left hand off, stretching it out, and then switches hands doing the same with the right hand.

She doesn’t understand how Maya can say that some random coffee is the best in the world. When she finds safe spot to turn the car around, she does.

She parks the car and marches into the building. She doesn’t see Maya anywhere and starts to panic. She couldn’t have gone anywhere, right? Did Maya hitch a ride with a stranger? Has she left the rest area? But just as the panic starts to set in it eases as Maya rounds the corner.

Carina walks quickly over to Maya, grabbing her face in her hands and kissing her fiercely.

“You’re so frustrating sometimes.” Carina growls through gritted teeth, a mere inch from Maya’s face.

Maya tilts her head to the side. “But you love me?”

“But I love you.” Carina says, accompanied with another kiss.

“So I was right?” Maya ventures.

Carina shakes her head. “You were not right.” She takes Maya by the hand. “Come on.” Carina leads them out of the building and back to the car.

They get on the road again and Maya looks over with teasing grin. “Did you really leave me at a rest stop?”

“Si.” Carina nods. “I needed a minute.”

Maya looks at her watch. “Or thirty.”

“I thought you loved my coffee. That it was your favorite.” Carina lays out her hurt.

Oh. Maya realizes that is what this is really about. Not just some other coffee that Maya was comparing this great cup to. Carina’s coffee. The blonde reaches over, laying her hand on Carina’s thigh. “I do love your coffee. It is the best.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Carina gives Maya a warning look, telling the blonde she better not placate her.

“I’m not. This coffee-“ She picks up the cup and takes a drink of the now cool liquid. “-is the best coffee that I’ve had that isn’t yours. When I say that this is the best, I’m comparing it to all other coffees that are not made by you. That are not yours. Yours is far superior. So yes, it is the best I’ve had from somewhere or someone that isn’t you. You gotta know that yours is always the top of the list.” She tells her wife sincerely.

Carina huffs. “It better be.”

“It is and always will be.” She rubs her hand over Carina’s leg.

“Don’t do that.”

“Why not?” Maya smirks.

“You know why not. You’re very naughty today. Offended me and my coffee. Making me irrationally irritated at you about it. And now trying to distract me from driving and your offense by touching me and making me think about sex.” Carina lays it all out there.

Maya just smirks knowing that when they get to their destination for the night that they are going to have some crazy amazing sex. She keeps her hand on Carina’s thigh, just resting there, not trying to be too distracting, just reminding.


The drive from Billings to Spokane is a long eight hours but as they approach the city Carina speak up. They’ve been in the car since eight in the morning. There was a stop for lunch for an hour to break up their travel.

“I just want to be home.”

Maya hums. They’ll be home tomorrow. Tonight is the stop in Spokane and tomorrow is a short, just over four hours, drive to Seattle. “I know. Me too. Tomorrow.”

“No today.” She looks over at the driver. Carina sees Maya turn her head slightly and look at her out of the corner of her eye. “Can we skip staying overnight in Spokane and go straight home?”

“That’s over twelve hours driving.”

“I’ll do it. I just want to be home tonight. I want to sleep in our bed. I don’t care if we don’t get there until ten.”

Maya thinks about it for a moment. It would be nice to be home a day or a half of a day early. The road trip has been amazing. But there’s such a sense of comfort being back home. The few trips she’s taken with Carina have been amazing but there’s such a sense of security being back in their apartment. It’s become a sacred place for herself and for Carina. “Okay.”

And like Carina said, it’s nearly ten at night when they get back to the apartment.

Carina drags her suitcase into the house, leaving it by the door, she removes her clothes as she walks towards the bedroom. Maya laughs and follows her. Carina faceplants onto the bed. “I’ve never been happier to see our bed.”

Maya sits down and takes her shoes and socks off. “We made it. We didn’t kill each other.” She grabs at Carina’s ankle, giving it a gentle shake.

“We made it, bella.” She turns her head to the side. “I love you.” She watches Maya undress. The simple act mesmerizes Carina.

Once she’s down to just her undergarments, Maya crawls up onto the bed and lays next to Carina. “I love you, Carina. So much. And I love this bed so much.”

Carina giggles and turns towards Maya. “We’re home.” This is their special place and it’s good to be back here. Carina pulls Maya into a quick kiss. “I’m going to wash up. I’ll be right back.”

Maya goes to get them some water and check around the apartment before moving back and getting into bed. Their trip was wonderful and amazing, but Maya feels better now that they are home. She had this little bit of underlying anxiety the entire time they were on the road. She did relax though when they were in Madison and the Wisconsin Dells, most of the trip. It’s just something about driving that gives her a touch of anxiety. But there’s just something so secure and calming about being at home.

“You’re not naked.” Carina comes back into the bedroom.

Maya shakes her head, a little bit of a smile.

“Naked.” Carina points. “Now.” She moves towards the bed.

Maya shimmies out of her undies and then unhooks her bra.

“So much better, bellisima.” She sits on the edge of the bed and makes grabby hands for Maya to come to her. Maya moves to stand in front of Carina. Carina places her hands on Maya’s waist lightly as she looks up into wonderful blue eyes. She breathes in a deep breath. “Thank you.”

Maya doesn’t ever bother to ask why. She simply nods. “Thank you for letting me accompany you. For showing me the place where Andrew and your mamma lived. For allowing me to be apart of that.”

Carina closes her eyes. “I couldn’t have done it without you.” She pulls at Maya’s waist and leans back, falling onto her back.

Maya leans over Carina, her right hand pressed into the mattress. She presses her lips to Carina’s cheek to let her know she’s there before moving slightly to press a soft kiss to Carina’s right eyelid, before doing the same to the left.

The Italian sighs and smiles as Maya moves about in micro kisses. One to the forehead, temple, nose, chin and finally lips. “Let’s go to bed, my love.” She mumbles against Carina’s lips, before kissing her again.

And nothing has ever sounded better to Carina. Skin on skin contact as Maya holds her in her sleep, in the bed that they share, in the home that they’ve made. It’s the picture of perfection and comfort that Carina craves, so she moves easily into her spot and Maya saddles up behind her.

Maya nuzzles her nose against Carina’s cheek, placing a kiss there before settling down. “Ti amo, amore mio.” She mumbles. “Buona notte.”

“I love when you speak Italian.”

“Only for you.” Maya’s mind does flash back to Chad for a brief moment before wrapping her arm tighter around Carina. “I’m glad we went. It was fun.”

“It was fun.” Carina agrees. “Would you do it again?” She lays her arm on top of Maya’s around her waist.

“Definitely.”

“Then maybe we’ll have to go see Tonya and Colton and Chad every year.”

Maya chuckles. “Whatever you want, my love. Whatever you want.”

They were gone a total of twelve days. They cut it one day short. The trip was planned originally planned for thirteen days and they both took two full weeks off work. Maya is glad that they have the weekend to recuperate and do laundry and clean the car and just be lazy around the apartment before moving back into real life.

Chapter 56

Notes:

Hello hello hello. In this installment we are transitioning back to storylines related to events from the show.
Enjoy!

Chapter Text

“I imagine this is what heaven feels like.” Maya is on a high. From their vacation road trip, from amazing sex, and from just everything feeling great.

She and Carina are pressed together, in bed, in all their naked glory. Boobs squished against boobs, every little movement or breath causing the pleasant little jolts of electric to run through Maya’s body. And she absolutely loves it. She craves it.

“God, women are beautiful. Just exquisite, ya know.” Maya mumbles, in a haze.

“Excuse me?” Is her wife thinking about other women?

Maya leans back, finding Carina’s magnificent brown eyes. “You are the most beautiful of them all, my love. The most. But like the female form. Men are fine but like compared to women they don’t compare. I mean some come close but still…” She sighs.

Carina wraps her hand around the back of Maya’s neck giving it a gentle squeeze.

“What do you think?”

Carina rubs her thumb over the vertebra in Maya’s neck. “A man in prime physical condition is very attractive but I haven’t ever really been attracted to men for that reason. There usually has to be something different or unique about them for me to find them attractive.”

Maya really doesn’t care to hear about how Carina finds men attractive. “What about me?” She worries about herself.

Carina knew the question was coming. “You are very attractive.” She grins knowingly.

“Like objectively?” Maya wonders.

The Italian shakes her head. Maybe some people think Maya is objectively attractive, but she didn’t when she first saw Maya. “The first thing I noticed when I saw you was the way you held onto your glass. Firm, authoritative, maybe like you were angry.”

“I was.” Maya smirks.

“Lo so.”

“I was burning with anger, and sadness, and fear. God, I was a mess. I have no idea how you found me attractive in all that. I had no game. My confidence was shot. My head was a mess.” Maya shakes her head at the prospect of it all.

“I like a project.”

Maya baulks. “You literally said, I’m not in the habit of fixing broken people.”

“I didn’t fix you bella. You did that. You figured it out. That was all you. I was just there to encourage.”

Maya sigh, eternally grateful. “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been around.”

She pulls Maya in for soft, slow kiss. “I was attracted to your smile. The way you looked in your jacket and jeans. I felt the way you looked at me, like you were searching for something. I could tell there was something going on, but you looked at me like if there hadn’t been then you would’ve slept with me. I could feel and see you were attracted to me too, even though you maybe didn’t want to be.”

Carina has it spot on. Maya used to be uneasy about how well Carina can read her but now it’s blessing. “You’re fucking gorgeous. You’d have to be dumb not to be taken by your beauty.” She admits. “I was really, like, almost stunned.”

“Grazie, bella.” Carina blushes a little. She pulls Maya closes by the grip on the back of her neck. “Ti amo, tanto. Anche tu sei bellissima.”

Carina wraps her arm around Maya’s neck know. “When you turned to me your eyes were so blue. Lonely, sad, but sooooo blue. I’m good at reading people usually. I could tell that you didn’t want me to stick around but I did. And your voice that night. Sad but so gravelly and sexy. I have learned since, that’s the voice you have first thing in the morning when you wake up, and when you are sad, and when you are horny. Deeper and more gravely than your normal usual speaking voice.”

Maya didn’t know she had all these different voices. “What else?”

“You needed a friend. Someone to talk to. A distraction but not a sex distraction.”

Maya nods. Carina is so accurate. They’ve talked about the time they met over and over and each time they do they learn something new from the other about that night.

“I was attracted to the mystery that was Maya Bishop. What you weren’t saying. The things you were holding back on. Obviously, now I know that those were some serious things, and I couldn’t have imagined that night. But there was also just something about you that had me drawn in. Even when I saw you for that brief moment in the hospital. There was this pull or something. You ran in, spoke briefly to Helm, and ran back out. That was it but I couldn’t get you off my mind. Maya?”

“Yeah.”

“Ti amo.”

Maya smiles. “I always feel like I’m punching above my weight class.” Carina wrinkles up her face in confusion. “Like if there were a scale and 1 was the worst and 10 was the best. You’d be an 11.”

“Maya!” Carina chides.

Maya shrugs. “I’d be like a 6 or 7 and you’re an 11.”

Carina frowns not liking that Maya is seemingly putting herself down. “You’re a ten in my opinion. We can both be ten.”

“I love you. Absolutely. You ARE the most beautiful woman. From the top of your head to the tips of your toes. From your ears to your belly button. From the smart brain to your kind heart. I married a freaking doctor. Sometimes I can’t believe that. Like, it’s crazy to me. I know, I know I shouldn’t put it up on a pedestal but just let me for this moment.”

Carina chuckles lightly. She squeezes Maya tighter to her side.

“A woman with looks is one thing. There’s lots of women like that. With looks and a beautiful appearance. A woman with brains or kindness and generosity is even better. I love your brains. You were so kind to me that first night. And you didn’t need to be. That’s one of the first things that struck me. You were just there and you flirted but you also sat and listened. I’m sure you had better things to do than chat with some depressed loner at the bar.”

Carina shrugs. “Not really.”

“While women are beautiful for their looks and physique alone you are attractive because you are so much more, you have so much more to offer.” Maya adds. Some days she really can’t believe she landed Carina.

“Women are very beautiful, yes.” Carina agrees, ending their conversation by wiggling her eyebrows and pulling Maya into a kiss. How could she not kiss her after everything Maya just said about her.

Many minutes pass as they exchange kisses and pecks and even a few little bites. Maya rolls onto her back. “I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow.”

Carina clicks her tongue. “Maya Bishop doesn’t want to go back to work. I never thought I would see the day.”

“Me either.” She rolls her head to the side so she can stare some more at her gorgeous wife. “What if I just became a housewife?”

The Italian laughs. “You could never do that. You’d go nuts. Plus, you need to help people. You need to be a strong, sexy firefighter so I can tell everyone I meet that my wife is a strong sexy firefighter.”

Maya groans. “I’m sick of the politics.” She just wants everything at work to go back to somewhat normal.

“I know you are, bambina.” Carina rolls onto her side and caresses her hand against Maya’s chest. “Lo so.”

“Kiss me some more, maybe that will help.”

Carina wiggles her eyebrows. “How about I do more than kissing?”

“That will definitely help.” Maya grins.

The entire day is spent in bed. Or in and out of bed. Between sex and getting sustenance. They are taking a break; Maya is checking the weather on her phone.

Carina walks her fingers up and down Maya’s thigh. She sighs, the thoughts on her mind getting the best of her. “I want to have babies with you. I want to make babies with you.”

Maya scoffs. “If only it were that simple.” She means physically because it’s not possible. And also mentally. If she could just give in to that mentally, it would be so easy. But she can’t. So, she won’t.

But Carina only thinks of the physical. She snuggles up to Maya’s side. “I want you to get me pregnant.”

Maya keeps her eyes on her phone, but narrows them slightly. She’s not shocked by that statement. It’s a very Carina thing to say. She smirks a little. “That’s not possible. I don’t have the right anatomy for that.” Her eyes shift to the side, glancing at Carina.

Carina knows this. “You’re right. With how much sex we have I’d probably already be pregnant if you did. Many times over.”

Maya laughs. “You’re so much sometimes.”

“What?” Carina pulls back, slightly offended.

Maya puts her phone down to the look in Carina’s eyes. There is something there she hasn’t seen before. All they said so far about kids was that Carina wanted them and that Maya didn’t think she did. But the look in Carina’s eyes makes her pause. It’s one of vulnerability, sure, but there’s something else that Maya doesn’t recognize. Something more.

She lifts her hand to the brunette’s cheek, thumb stroking across soft smooth skin. “Do you really want kids?” Maya asks.

Carina purses her lips.

“Like, is it the end all, be all?”

Carina tilts her head to the side, not quite understanding.

“Like, is it something you yearn to do, need to do?” Maya wants to know where they really stand on this issue because there’s so much more that goes into it then just saying you want kids or not. And Maya isn’t dumb, for them, it would be so much more complex than having a week’s worth of sex and then being pregnant.

Carina is quite for a few minutes. She leans back into her favorite spot. The place where Maya has a secure arm wrapped around her. The place where she can rest her head on Maya’s shoulder or chest. Where she can reach to kiss her cheek or neck or lips.  She twirls Maya’s hair around her finger as she thinks.

“I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone else because I’m ashamed that I thought it or believed it.” Carina confesses. She’s held onto this for a while. It was never really something that needed to be discussed with anyone. It wasn’t a subject for anyone but Maya really.

Maya isn’t sure what’s going on here right now, but she waits patiently and listens. She moves her phone to the mattress at her hip and rests her hand on Carina’s stomach and gives Carina her full attention.

“You know Arizona.” Carina says, timid.

There is a hum from Maya. “I don’t know her. I never knew her but I- you’ve mentioned her. She’s your ex from the hospital.” She wonders what this has to do with her asking Carina if she truly wants to have kids.

Carina’s hand moves from Maya’s hair and finds the blonde’s hand on her stomach, locking their fingers together. “Si. And she had a kid, a daughter. That was the first time I was with someone who was raising a child. And maybe it was selfish of me, but I think I was jealous of that little girl. Or resentful. Or something. At the time, I thought, oh I never want to have kids. I never want to have to deal with this. She coddled her and gave into that girl’s every whim.”

“But what I was struggling with wasn’t raising a child. I never even met Sofia. Her daughter. I never met her. And I think that’s where the resentment came in. Arizona put Sofia over me. All the time. I felt like there was never going to be any room for me in her life. Or enough room. Everything was always about her daughter. Which I get. Don’t get me wrong, cuz if you have a kid, it should be about your kid most of the time. I would assume especially if you are no longer together with the child’s other parent. But at the same time, we dated for months, and months and I never once met her daughter. I asked about it. I asked if I would or could one day meet her. And Arizona would always say, like, oh it’s too soon or let’s wait a little while yet.”

Carina lays her head on Maya’s shoulder. “I thought I didn’t want kids for a long time because I was always so busy with work. Because I liked my freedom. I didn’t want to have to prioritize my time for a child. I didn’t want to be tied down by them. That coupled with that happened with Arizona really put me off of the idea.”

“But you want to have kids now?” Maya doesn’t see how if Carina was so turned off about kids before, how she could change her mind now.

“If it’s possible, yes.”

Maya isn’t sure what that means. She hums though.

“When Arizona ended things with me it was because she was choosing her child over me. Which again, is totally legitimate. That’s what a mother should do, prioritize their child. But I was being dropped for it like I was nothing. Like I never mattered. Like Arizona was just using me for a good time. Like she knew that we were never going to be a serious thing or in a long term relationship the entire time we were together. We were dating, in a relationship, if she just wanted to have fun, she should have told me. I had feelings for her, you know what I mean, right?” Carina isn’t sure that any of this is making any sense to Maya.

“I do.”

“There was always this feeling-“ Carina rubs her hand over her chest before finding Maya’s hand again, holding it securely. “This feeling of not being- not being good enough? Or always coming second. Something. I could feel it. I could feel that there was something there between us that wasn’t quite right. And it had to do with her kid. It stroked me the wrong way for a long time.”

Maya smiles at Carina’s little mix up. “So, what changed your mind?” She wonders, if Carina can have a change of heart about having kids, then anything is possible for her too.

Carina leans over and kisses Maya. “You.”

“What? I don’t want kids.” She doesn’t mean the words to sound so harsh, but knows they likely do to Carina’s ears. She doesn’t want to see the disappointment on Carina’s face after she says them.

The Italian spares her though. “Me and you, Maya.” She brings Maya’s hand to her lips, kissing at each of the knuckles at the base of her fingers. “Me and you. I feel like you and I, we, can do anything. You give me this confidence and power where I feel like anything is possible. Whether that’s your drive to always be the best at everything you do, or if it’s something else. But Maya, I think we would be unstoppable at anything we do together in life. Including kids.”

Maya scrunches up her face. It seems like a weird answer to her question, but if that’s what Carina feels she’s not going to downplay or poopoo it.

“Bambina, it’s you I want to do everything with. Buy a house, have kids, grow old together. And I know there are issues that need to be figured out and addressed, but I think that one day we could have kids. Despite our pasts, despite both of our upbringings. I want to raise babies to have a better childhood than I had, than you had. I want to be able to share my love for you, of you, with them.”

“That’s really cute.” Maya grins and sighs at the thought. She can’t even deny it.

Carina nods sagely.

“So, I made you change your mind?” Maya tries to wrap her brain around all of this. It gives Maya a new perspective on the whole having kids’ situation. This little talk hasn’t changed her mind, but she can see where Carina is coming from now. She understands her wife’s perspective now.

“Sometimes you find that one person in life that you want to do everything with. Si? Even if you might not have wanted to do those things with anyone else before. Or if you didn’t want to do them at all, even if there was no person. So, in a way, yes.” Carina runs her hands up and down Maya’s arm. “Or maybe I’m just older and more mature and have grown or something silly like that.” Carina smirks and can see the wheels practically turning in Maya’s mind. She runs her thumb over Maya’s forehead now. “Don’t think too hard, bambina. You’ll hurt yourself.” She teases.

Maya rolls her eyes. She’s completely flabbergasted by what Carina has just told her. She never would have thought that she is the reason Carina wants to have kids. She thought it was some internal motherly instinct within Carina that was calling out for the need to have children. Maya assumed that every woman, beside herself, had that feeling. She’s never had that feeling. Maya knows there are other factors in her life that have influenced her to not want to have kids. But she’s never had that feeling that she wanted or needed them anyway, so it didn’t matter. She didn’t see needing them, that they wouldn’t add anything to her life; but right now, she can see that they would just by what Carina is saying.

That’s enough serious talk for right now, Carina decides. She doesn’t want to overwhelm Maya. She can already see Maya thinking deeply about it.

She turns things sexy. Straddling Maya’s hips, pressing her hands into her shoulders. Maya’s eyes close and she hums at her wife sitting on top of her; her hands find Carina’s hips on instinct.

“What’s this?” Maya quirks an eyebrow.

Carina says something sassy. “We could practice making babies.” She wiggles her brows.

Maya throws her head back, laughing. “I’m all up for practice.” She goes along with it for now.


She saw Carina at the station during the fireworks but hasn’t seen or spoken to her since. Maya can’t wait to get home. The Phoenix Fair has brought out all sorts of idiots in the city and she’s glad she’s done dealing with it. C shift is up for the final day of the Fair. And she’s ready to go home and be with her wife. Their shift at the station has filled her with agitation and anger and she doesn’t want to come home angry. Her time with Carina is precious and she doesn’t want to fill it with rage and bad moods.

But Maya walks in the apartment door. She slams the door as she comes in. It was a long shift. Ben nagged her about forgiving Sullivan. He’s been on her about it. She knows he comes from a good place, but she can’t stand him right now.

With attending to the fair, and the engine getting stolen and then blowing up. Her and Andy having to jump from it to save their lives. And then returning to the station and Sullivan apologizing in front of everyone. It’s really brought Maya to the edge.

“Well, hello.” Carina is, maybe not surprised, but aware of Maya’s aggressive entrance.

“Hi.” Maya walks past Carina, who is sitting on the couch with her morning espresso. She goes into the bedroom and throws her backpack down on the chair and rips her shirt off.

She comes back out into the hallway. “Sullivan apologized. To everyone. To me, I guess. It was in a very roundabout why though. In front of everyone” Maya just needs to tell Carina. This needs to come out before anything else. Before the accident with the engine, before it exploded, and she had to jump to safety. She ducks back into the bedroom to find a shirt.

The sentence piques Carina’s interest, despite Maya apparent agitated mood, she wants to know more. “And did you accept his apology?”

“Hell no.” Maya pulls a fresh shirt over her head. “Well, I said thank you but mostly to be polite because everyone was standing there. What could I do?” She comes back out of the bedroom. “Andy, I can forgive. I did forgive. She didn’t tell us because she didn’t want to ruin our wedding day even though she knew he went to McCallister. He went to McCallister and vouched for himself to be captain. He didn’t think I’d find out about that.” She scoffs and plops down on the couch next to her wife.

Carina raises an eyebrow at her wife. “But you did.”

Maya smiles. “But I did. And only because Andy fessed up.” She leans over and kisses Carina. “Good morning.” She hums and kisses her again. “How are you? How was your night?”

Carina reaches over and caresses Maya’s cheek in her palm. “Bene, bella, bene.”

“Good.” She takes Carina’s hand from her cheek, holding it in her hands, pressing a kiss to the palm. “He is just so smug and arrogant. I can’t stand it. I don’t know what Andy sees in him. Or why they got married. Was it just cuz Pruitt was dying?”

“Bambina.” Carina scolds. She doesn’t want her wife going off about Sullivan because he married her best friend. At least, that’s not the reason she should go off about him.

“I don’t know if I’m going to accept his apology. I don’t think I can. Like who does that? What he did.” Maya stands up abruptly. She faces Carina, standing in front of her. “It wasn’t like the department came to him and asked him what he thought. He actively went to the chief and tried to get back to the top as soon as he could.” Maya’s hands wave around in the air.

Carina is amused by Maya’s mannerisms. She might be rubbing off too much on her wife. “I know, bella.” They’ve talked through all of this before. Carina tries to reach out to get a hold of Maya’s hands, but Maya moves to quickly for her.

“And I vouched for him. When he got high time and time again with drugs. Drugs that he stole from the PRT, that he stole from the station. Breaking all sorts of protocols. I went in and told them that we wouldn’t throw him under the bus, because they wanted to. They wanted to fire him and throw him out on the street because he had a problem, he was in pain, he had an addiction. But I vouched for him and told them that he just needed rehabilitation. And what do I get for that? All this?” She throws her hands in the air.

“Maya.” Carina just wants Maya to calm down a little.

“I don’t know if he wants me to say you are forgiven or I accept your apology cuz I can’t, I just can’t. I think he was just doing it to get that guilt off his chest. To say it’s done. To absolve himself. Hell, I think he did it to get Andy back too. It’s about ten months too late though.” Maya is running out of steam. “If he was really sorry, he would’ve apologized sooner, right when I came back from my two week paid leave.” She sits back down again. “But he didn’t. So, he isn’t.”

Carina reaches up and puts her hand on Maya’s shoulder, before slipping it to the back of her neck, massaging and rubbing at the skin there before moving up and scratching her nails against Maya’s scalp.

Maya relaxes and moans. The move gets her every time Carina does it.

“Better?” Carina chuckles.

“With your hands on my body I always feel better.” Maya purrs.

Carina smirks. “I meant better now that you’ve vented?”

Maya smiles sheepishly. “Yeah. Sorry about all that.”

“Don’t worry, bella, venting is good. Better that you did it here instead of down at the station in front of Sullivan or something.” Carina astutely points out.

Maya sighs. “I’m afraid I’m going to go off on him one day. Like I’ll already be irritated, and he’ll do something or debate an order that I give him cuz you know he hates taking orders from women who outrank him. And boom, I’ll go off on him. At least I still have that.” She smirks, feeling a little petty about it.

“What?” Carina doesn’t follow.

“That I outrank him still. Not that I care too much but he wasn’t able to get me dropped down to this level. Well, in a way he tried to get Battalion Chief back so then he would outrank me again, but he didn’t succeed.” The blonde smirks. Sullivan didn’t win. He tried so hard to win and get ahead but he didn’t. He sunk Maya but he didn’t get ahead.

“Maya.” She scolds, not liking how ruthless Maya sounds right now.

“I know.” Maya shakes her head.

“Let’s be done with this for now.”

Maya ducks her chin to her chest. “Sorry.”

She pulls Maya into her side. “You don’t need to be sorry. I know how you feel. I have no lost love for him either.”

That gets a laugh from Maya. She turns to Carina and wraps and wiggles her arms around Carina, between Carina and the couch. “Love loss.”

“I was close.” Carina bites her lower lip.

“Very.” Maya relaxes further in the Italian’s arms. “What’s on the agenda for today?”

“I thought we could go down to the farmer’s market this morning. Get some produce, come back, have a breakfast, you could nap if you need to, and then there’s this art museum that I wanted to check out. Did you want to come with?”

Maya hums. “Sure.” She’s not really into art. Unless Carina is the masterpiece because Maya is totally into that.

“You don’t sound very excited.” Carina chuckles at Maya’s lack of enthusiasm. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. I just thought I’d ask. I know it’s not really your thing.”

Maya pinches Carina’s chin between her index finger and thumb. “I’ll come anywhere with you.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

“Perfetto.” Carina leans in for a kiss.

“But we’re not bringing anymore vagina art home with us.” Maya is half teasing, half serious.

“What about boob art?” Carina teases back.

Maya laughs. “Only if it’s tasteful boob art.”

Carina laughs with her. “God, I love you.”

“I love you more.” Maya hums into another kiss.

The brunette gets up and goes to the kitchen.

“Carina?”

“Yeah.”

“I have one more thing I have to tell you.” Maya has been avoiding this part.

Carina doesn’t like the sound of Maya’s voice. She doesn’t like the seriousness there. She doesn’t like the apprehension either. “What?”

“We were at the fair. And the engine was stolen.” Maya looks down at the floor, unable to connect with Carina.

“What?” Carina can’t believe that.

“That’s not really the point. But it was stolen and then crashed. It was on its side. Andy and I were on top trying to get to the compartment with the foam and there was a fuel leak.” She gives a very abbreviated version.

“Maya.” Carina warns.

Maya holds a hand up. “I have to finish. Let me finish. I’m here.” She looks down at her arms. “In one piece. But Andy and I had to jump from the engine as it exploded.”

Carina gasps. She hates when Maya tells her stuff like this. She had debated at one point if it would be better to not know, for Maya to just keep the dangers of the job to herself. But then, the not knowing would eat Carina alive. She knows that. So, she knows it’s better that Maya tell her about things that happen instead of keeping them from her. It’s probably healthier for them individually, that way, and as a couple.

“Andy is devastated that the engine is gone. We all are. Captain Herrera-“ Maya sighs. “The engine is gone. Up in flames. Ironic, isn’t it.” There is a shrug, Maya trying to downplay it.

“The thing that puts out the fire was on fire.” Maya scoffs. “Are you okay?” She watches Carina closely now. She knows she just dropped a bomb on her wife.

Carina takes a shaky breath. “I will be. But if I’m extra clingy today, you know why.”

Maya nods and smiles. She gets up and moves to Carina, wrapping her in a tight hug, pressing her lips to Carina’s shoulder. “I love you.” She whispers.

“I love you, bambina.” The brunette runs her hands up and down Maya’s back slowly, just feeling her, making sure that she is okay. “Your job is scary sometimes.”

“I know.” Maya nods. “I know. It’s okay.”

Carina closes her eyes and buries her face in the side of Maya’s neck. “Hold me tighter, bambina.”

And Maya does.

Chapter 57

Notes:

Well hello. First of all i know i'm slacking with this story. That's cuz it's not written. With my other two current stories i have chapter written or nearly written and ready to post. I've been having a bit of a mental block with this one recently. Coincidentally, with the show coming back the other day i found the time and the energy to get this chapter finished. There are two scenes at the beginning of the chapter that i've added. The second of those is for llill_bit843 who had suggested the idea in a comment a while back. The third part is the beginning scene from 5.2 and a continuation of that. So sexytime there.
One more thing (it's about the episode the other day) when they busted out the 'my love' i immediately thought of this story and that someone had read it. cuz i have maya using 'my love' quite a bit in this story. not to say that i orginated that cuz i don't know if it's in other fanfics (not ones that i've read) but i think it's probably just a funny coincidence. maybe. idk.
anyway... Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Carina has a bad day at work. Well, the entire day wasn’t bad. But she can’t get one incident out of her head.

A couple had come in for an ultrasound. There had been some concerns raised by Carina in a previous visit and she is keeping a close eye on the women and the fetus she is carrying, thus the ultrasound today when usually it would be many more weeks before she would see any expecting mother between visits.

The atmosphere in the room had been tense as soon as Carina walked into the room and greeted the couple.

She had concerns during the last ultrasound about the baby’s heart. But it was too early to know for sure. She had cautioned the couple about the issue but told them to remain calm that it could be nothing or that it could fix itself.

Expect, when she starts the ultrasound during this appointment she frowns. What she thought she saw with the heart last time is clearly evident now.

Carina suggests the couple go see a Pediatric Cardiologist for a fetal echocardiogram.

And the husband goes ballistic.

“YOU SAID EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE FINE. YOU LIED TO US.” He points an angry finger at Carina.

The doctor freezes, scared.

The wife puts a hand on her husband’s arm, trying to get him to calm down.

Carina takes the moment that he looks at his wife to set the ultrasound equipment to the side. She looks over at the ultrasound tech that is in the room with them. The young man seems startled and unsure of what to do.

“Just take a moment, Peter.” The wife says to calm him down. “Let’s calm down and think rationally.”

His nostrils flare, the opposite of calm. “This is all your fault. You are a terrible doctor. Come on.” He reaches for his wife’s hand.

“Peter, wait. We’re not done here.”

“Well, I am.” He storms off, leaving the room and slamming the door behind him.

Carina knows he is upset about the baby, but it is still difficult to be yelled and screamed at. She takes a few deep breathes to center herself. “Ms. Jones, I suggest you do see that pediatric cardiologist. What I saw is most likely a birth defect but now that we know about it, it can be monitored and treated. I know it’s scary and I’m sorry you are going through this difficult time.”

“Thank you. And I’m sorry about my husband. He’s not usually like that. But he’s been different since I’ve been pregnant. I think he has a lot of hopes and dreams put unto this baby. It’s our first.”

Carina nods. She understands. “I hope you have a good remainder of your day.”

“Thank you again.”

“You’re welcome. Just have the doctor’s office get in touch with my office when they know what the condition is and what the course of treatment will be moving forward.” Carina advises.

“I will. Thank you.”

The rest of the day is a blur for Carina. The one thing that she keeps thinking about is going home. She can’t wait to get home to Maya.

And when she does get home, Maya is cooking dinner. She is greeted with a glass of wine and a soft kiss.

“How did you know I needed this?” She takes a sip of the wine.

Maya quirks an eyebrow. “Bad day?”

Carina closes her eyes and breaths in slowly through her nose. “Yeah.”

“Do you want-“ Maya hums and restarts. “Do you want to talk about it?” She knows she wouldn’t likely want to talk about something right away but she’s not Carina. Though, Carina does have a habit of keep things to herself also. Carina has already acknowledged that it was a bad day so she isn’t keeping whatever happened today to herself entirely.

“After dinner. And wine. What are you making me?” Carina grins.

Maya shakes her head. “I am making us baked potatoes and veggies. Are there any other requests from the doctor?”

Carina slides up next to Maya in front of the stove. “Just that you kiss me again.”

The blonde sighs, knowing at the request that Carina really, really had a bad day. She wonders how bad it was but tries to push it aside and focus on giving Carina what she needs. She slips her hand along Carina’s lower back, finding the opposite hip and leaning in for a kiss.

Carina lingers near Maya’s mouth, asking for another, to which Maya obliges. There is a squeeze of her hip as well and she can feel Maya putting everything she has into her touch, into the kiss. “I love you.” Carina whispers.

Dinner is had and Carina tells Maya what happened at work and Maya gets mad about it. The blonde is mad that someone yelled at her wife and made her feel scared or made her second guess her doctor skills.

“You are a brilliant doctor.” Maya affirms.

“You’re just saying that because you are my wife.”

“I am but I also know that you are. For every one bad appointment, like today, how many hundreds of good ones do you have?” Maya doesn’t know the statistics of Carina’s success but just from the stories of happy parents that Carina tells to Maya; she knows that her patients are happy and satisfied with Carina’s work and that there are very few complaints. “Plus, he wasn’t even mad at you. It sounds like he has a problem dealing with his emotions of finding out that his child has a birth defect. Which you found. You found that and they can get further treatment and guidance on. Someone else might not have seen that and then they would be in for an even bigger shock when the child was born.”

Maya is right. Carina knows that Maya is right and yet she still feels like she didn’t do enough to reassure those parents. Or that there could have been more she could have done to find the defect sooner.

“Let’s go to bed. I can- would you like a back massage or a foot rub or something like that.”

Carina smiles. “I’ll always except any offer to have your hands all over my body.”

Maya laughs. “Okay.” She gets up and moves their dirty dishes to the sink to be dealt with tomorrow. A different version of Maya would have needed to clean those dishes before bed but not this version. She knows what is important in this moment and it isn’t dirty dishes.


The apartment is quiet. It’s dark, nighttime. A tickle in her nose wakes Maya from her sleep. There is a lazy palm on Maya’s stomach but her nose tickles like an itch that won’t go away. She wiggles her nose trying to get the tickle to go away so she can go back to peaceful sleep with her wife. But as she wakes up more and her senses register, she knows why her nose has a tickle.

“Smoke.” She whispers. “Carina.” She nudges the brunette with her elbow and then sits up. She puts on a pair of shorts and goes to investigate. She goes out into the kitchen and living room and doesn’t see or hear or smell anything. The smell isn’t coming from their apartment.

Just as she’s about to open the door to look out into the hallway the fire alarms in the entire building start to go off. “Carina.” Maya yells back into the apartment. She knows she has to figure out what is going on. But she also knows that she needs to get Carina up and out of the building. She runs back to their room. Carina is already up and putting some pajamas on over her undies. “We need to-“ She pauses when Carina looks at her.

“Maya?”

“We need to get everyone out of the building. No elevator. Just stairs.” Maya instructs calmly.

Carina nods. She understands the mission.

“We’ll start with our floor.” Maya says and bolts from the room.

Carina wonders, for a brief moment, if Maya realizes she’s only wearing a thin, spaghetti strap tank top and a pair of tiny sleep shorts. But then she bolts into action too.

They knock on all the doors, they instruct their neighbors what to do, they help carry little children down the stairs and out of the building, putting them on the sidewalk before going back inside.

Maya notices the haze of smoke in the lobby as she goes back in. She wants to find out where the fire is and go to it, but she needs to make sure everyone is out of the building first. She prays that someone has called 911 already.

She thinks she’s got everyone out. Maya did find out where the fire was. Someone had mentioned it in passing, that it was on the floor below their apartment. It would make sense. That’s how she could smell it before the alarms went off in the hallways. It had to have been in the apartment below theirs.

Maya looks around and wonders where the fire department is. She knows it’s probably only been a couple of minutes, but it feels like it’s been longer. “Okay.” She says. “EVERYONE.” She shouts, getting the crowds attention. “I know we don’t all know each other but I’d like everyone to look around and see if they can spot their neighbors. The people that live on your floor, closest to you.”

A few people give Maya a look, like they are questioning why she gets to be in charge.

“I’m a firefighter with the Seattle Fire Department. My wife-“ She looks around for Carina. “Carina?”

Carina waves her hand for everyone to know that she is who Maya is talking about. The Italian is busy trying to calm a hysteric family down.

Maya doesn’t know what is happening with the family but Carina is handling it so she can focus on a headcount. “She’s a doctor. She will help out. I need to make sure everyone is out of the building.”

“I don’t see old lady Thompson.” A teenage boy blurts out. He would know, the old woman is always scolding him for something.

A few other people nod in agreement.

“Where does she live?” Maya asks.

“First floor. Apartment 4.” The boy informs her.

Maya looks down the road and wonders about the fire truck and then looks at the building. She doesn’t say anything to anyone but makes a decision then and there and turns to run back into the building.

The haze now is thicker on the first floor. Maya crouches down, below the haze line, and calls out. “Mrs. Thompson?”

She doesn’t get a response, so she continues her way to the apartment marked with the four on the door. She gets to the door and reaches for the knob to see if it will open but as she puts pressure against the knob, even before turning it, the door swings open. But it doesn’t open all the way. Maya gives it a push, but it hits something. She shimmies inside and sees the something that the door is stuck on is Mrs. Thompson. The old woman is lying on the floor, unconscious.

Carina is outside with the crowd. She can hear the sirens as they approach. She looks around for Maya to share in the relief that help is coming but she can’t spot her. “Maya?” She asks, concern in her voice. She hopes what she is thinking didn’t happen.

“She ran back inside to look for Mrs. Thompson.” Someone confirms Carina’s fears.

The Italian turns and stares at the building. There is some haze lingering in the area near the top of the entry door. She silently curses Maya for going back inside. She knows she’s a firefighter, but she also knows the dangers of being in a fire unprotected.

The engine pulls up and the captain approaches the crowd. “Alright everyone, lets stay out of the way, let the firefighters do their jobs.” He addresses this crew next. “Two of you walk the perimeter and see if you can’t get eyes on the fire. Get the hoses hooked up and ready to go in.”

“It was in our apartment.” Someone speaks up. “In the kitchen. A kitchen fire. On the stove.”

It is the family that Carina was trying to console earlier.

The captain changes tactics. “Get extinguishers.” He tells his crew. “What apartment? Is everyone out of the building?” The captain asks.

“No. Mrs. Thompson is in there. And that firefighter chick.” It’s the same teenage boy that told Maya that Mrs. Thompson was still inside.

“My wife.” Carina chokes out. “Maya Bishop.”

The captain has heard that name before. He has heard about Maya Bishop and how she stormed Chief McCallister’s office and then got demoted. He smirks. The stupid woman.

“Alright. There are two civilians inside.” He tells his crew.

“Not civilians. My wife is a firefighter.”

The captain stares Carina down. “She is a civilian as far as I am concerned.”

Carina blanches. She has no idea who this guy is, but she gets the feeling that he doesn’t have any respect for Maya or even care about her wellbeing.

“Get ready to go inside and get them out.” He instructs.

Carina’s attention turns back to the building as the crew bustles around. She doesn’t know what’s taking so long. Both with the fire crew and with Maya. Maya is good, she knows that, but she thinks her wife should have been out of the building with Mrs. Thompson by now.

Unless something happened.

The crew is masked and ready to go in. They move towards the front door but before they can step foot into the building there is a small explosion from within. The firefighters pause and look back towards their captain.

The crowd gasps.

Carina drops to her knees, her head in her hands. This can’t be happening. Not here. Not now.

“Look.” Someone points to the entrance.

Out of the front door comes Maya. She has a cloth over her face, and she has Mrs. Thompson hanging over her shoulder’s and back in a fireman’s carry. Maya stumbles as she comes down the step and out the door but stays standing. She moves to the edge of the sidewalk where the fire engine is and kneels to set the woman down.

“The building is clear.” Maya gasps, pulling the wet cloth off of her face. “There was a small explosion. There might be a little cosmetic damage in that area but it’s safe to go in. No collapses or falling debris or anything like that.”

The next thing Maya knows is the feeling of something barreling into her and being pushed to the ground.

“Maya.”

Carina’s voice is in her ear. Carina’s body tackles her and smother her into the ground.

She’s so happy that Maya is okay. That she came out of the building. That she rescued the lady, but she wishes Maya wouldn’t be so reckless sometimes. They just had a fright with Maya and Andy having to jump from the engine not too long ago. Now this.

“Carina.” Maya tries to push herself up onto her elbows.

The Italian sits back. “Don’t ever do something like that again.”

Maya has enough sense to give Carina a guilty apologetic look. “Okay.”

“No okay. Say you won’t.” She frowns angrily at Maya.

“I won’t.” Maya reaches up and crosses over her heart with her finger.

“Say you’ll wait for the firefighters with their equipment and gear and protection.” Carina demands.

“I will wait.” She knows she can’t be doing stuff like she just did. She knows it wasn’t a bad fire and that she would likely be fine, but she hadn’t anticipated the explosion. That had caught Maya off guard. Maybe Carina is right. She needs to wait. She needs to be safer.

Carina wraps her arms around Maya, pulling her into a crushing hug. “Bambina, I can't lose you."

Maya swallows thickly. She knows she messed up. She knows she hurt Carina. She knows Carina gets scared about her job sometimes. This was a situation that had nothing to do with her job. She wasn’t on the call. She wasn’t on shift. But she felt the need to help, and the fire department weren’t here yet. She helped Mrs. Thompson. The woman could have died.

“I know.” She holds onto Carina tightly too. Her eyes wander over the crowd, the firefighters loading Mrs. Thompson into the ambulance, their building where two firefighters are coming back outside after extinguishing the flames.

Carina spends the next twenty minutes checking Maya over for any injuries or issues. Then she spends time trying to get Maya to go to the hospital and get checked out.

Maya keeps Carina’s hand in hers but is focused on the scene and the crew and getting as much information as possible. She wants to know what the damage was. She wants to know if they are going to have to find somewhere else to stay for the night, or live.

The captain won’t give Maya the time of day, so she goes to one of the lieutenants.

“There’s smoke damage throughout the apartment the fire was in. And fire damage in the kitchen. There is a haze throughout the halls in the building and we have blowers going to air it out; but I don’t expect anyone but the family in the unit the fire was in to be displaced for tonight. Let us get everything aired out and cleaned up and you all can go back inside to your apartments.”

“Thank you, Sir.”

“No problem, Bishop.”

Maya raises an eyebrow and shifts her eyes to read his name tag. She’s not sure how he knows her name or if he knows her in some way. The name and the man don’t seem familiar to Maya, so she chocks it up to someone using her name or something while she was inside the building rescuing Mrs. Thompson.

Carina squeezes Maya’s hand to get her attention. “Can I take you to the hospital now?”

“Yeah, okay.” She knows it’s the only thing that will ease Carina’s worry.

They are in a hospital room waiting for Maya to get checked. “I don’t know how you knew. You were up before the smoke alarms went off.”

Maya shrugs. “I had a tickle. In my nose. I could smell it.”

Carina shakes her head at how crazy that sounds. She didn’t smell anything, and it certainly didn’t wake her up. “We are staying in a hotel for tonight.” She tells Maya.

The blonde raises an eyebrow but doesn’t argue. Maya wants to check on Mrs. Thompson. She asks Carina if she knows where they brought her. In all the commotion, Maya didn’t hear or find out. Carina says she doesn’t know. Maya asks if Carina can pull some strings and find out if the elderly woman is in the same hospital they are in, Grey Sloan, seeing as Carina works there.

Carina narrows her eyes at Maya and wags a finger at her, scolding her for suggesting such an improper thing. “I’ll be right back.” She doesn’t say where she is going but they both know she’s going to find out about Mrs. Thompson.


The next day Maya spends a good portion of the day cleaning the apartment while Carina is at work. She spends a little time downstairs too, helping out the family to remove personal items from their smoke damaged apartment. Their apartment will need to be thoroughly cleaned and the kitchen redone. They are lucky it was only a small kitchen fire. The whole building was lucky.

Maya asks about the smoke detectors in their unit and why they didn’t go off. She had been thinking about that. If the smoke detector was working and going off, Maya would have heard that. The building is built fairly well but it’s still an apartment building. You can hear your neighbors, you can hear people and kids yelling, you can hear people having sex. You can hear things.

She finds out that the batteries in the detector were dead and that the husband had removed them when they died, and the detector would annoyingly beep to remind them that the battery needed changing. Maya wanted to roll her eyes at hearing that. There’s a reason the detector beeps, it’s to let you know that the battery needs to be replaced. It’s not meant to be annoying and for you to just take the battery out making the device ineffective to anything.

She returns to her apartment, but Maya can’t stop thinking about last night. About how the captain clearly ignored anything she had to say. How the lieutenant seemed to know who she was. She doesn’t want to sound paranoid, but she wonders if they know about her, about the incident that led to her demotion. She wonders if she is the laughingstock of the entire Seattle Fire Department.

She can’t stop thinking about it all day. The cleaning helps to keep it off Maya’s mind, but that only lasts for so long. She was once respected and now it’s agonizing to think that one decision has everyone in the entire department thinking that she is unfit for duty or an unhinged woman or something similar.

Carina comes home, dinner is had, and then it’s off to bed.

The weather has been hot recently so the want to wear as few clothes as possible is heavy. Even inside an air conditioned building.

“What if-“ Carina runs her finger down the center of Maya’s chest to her panties. “We don’t wear any panties to bed tonight.” She thinks if Maya asks, she can just say it’s too hot.

Maya quirks an eyebrow. “If I didn’t know what your intentions are, I would think it’s because it’s been hot out.”

So, they are on the same page. “Can’t it be?”

Maya laughs. “Just say you want to have sex with me.”

Carina tilts her head to the side. “I do. I love having sex with you.” She grabs Maya by the hips, spins her around, and throws her on the bed. “Now take your underwear off.”

They get into bed sans undies. Hands and lips roam bodies. Legs hook together.

There’s only one problem.

Maya can’t get McCallister or the incident out of her head. And what happened with the captain and lieutenant last night outside their apartment has only fueled those thoughts. She wants to focus all of her attention on Carina. She’s got a sexy Italian goddess as a wife; that should be enough to keep her focus but right now it’s just not. She pulls back from the kiss and sits up.

Carina groans out in frustration. “Still?”

“Every night for the last eleven months I have fantasized about putting my wedding dress back on and storming McCallister’s office again.” She knows it’s not going to change anything now, but if she could do it all over again and maybe say something different or react in a less emotional way than McCallister wouldn’t have done what he did to her and Andy.

Carina kisses down her shoulder and arm. “Yeah, and get yourself demoted to probie.”

Maya groans. She knows. She knows she can’t. She knows Carina is right.

“Although if you got fired then maybe we can finally start talking about babies.” She’s serious. She wants to have a serious discussion with Maya about it not just a few remarks here or there. She’s brought it up before and asked Maya to think about it, so it’s not that far fetched of any idea in her opinion.

Maya hates that Carina just said she should be fired, in a sense. And she doesn’t want to talk about babies. Not right now. Not with what is going on at work and with her job. She turns and pulls Carina back into a kiss to distract her. They lay back down and then Carina is rolling her over, flipping on top and rolling her body against Maya’s.

Maya slips her fingers into Carina’s hair with one hand. The other moves to her hip, squeezing which causing Carina to roll her hips against Maya.

“Give me something to fuck, Maya.”

The blonde is a little surprised by Carina’s words, though she knows she shouldn’t be. She also knows Carina is too impatient and probably doesn’t want to stop to get the strap, so she slips her hand between their bodies, palm up, until she’s meets Carina’s swollen soaked vulva.

The Italian sighs as skilled fingers sink between her folds.

“In or out.” Maya grunts.

Carina raises herself up to her hands, looking down at Maya. “Out and don’t move.”

Maya raises an eyebrow. Carina clearly has a plan here and she’s only going to use Maya and her fingers and not want any other assistance.

And like Maya thought, Carina shifts, rubbing herself against Maya’s fingers, finding just the right spot right away. This way she can get exactly what she wants fast. Not that she doesn’t love when Maya takes her time and when Maya gives her lots and lots of attention but right now, she just needs a certain feel to get off a certain way.

Maya almost feels helpless and briefly wonders if Carina is punishing her for stopping sex because of thoughts about her boss. She knows it has to be completely unattractive and a total turn off and she doesn’t blame Carina if that’s what’s happening. She would hate it if Carina stopped them on the way to orgasms to talk about her boss. She knows Carina told her not to move, but Maya wants to move her other hand to wrap it around Carina’s wrist next to her head or to grab at her perfect ass and pull her closer to her orgasm. She wants to kiss Carina and touch her and hold onto her. Something. Anything. But she’ll be a good girl and do what she’s told.

Carina grinds and humps Mayas fingers, moaning as she gets closer and closer to climax. “Just the middle finger.” She instructs and Maya obliges. Carina arches her back further, grinding hard against Maya, her eyes closed, teeth clamped tight together.

“Carina.” Maya whispers in reverence. The woman above her is the most gorgeous thing on the entire planet even like this, especially like this.

“Cazzooooo.” Carina groans as she hits her release.

Maya reaches up now, pushing Carina’s hair back from her face as Carina’s head bows down finally. The brunette panting and spent, but completely satisfied.

With hurried breaths she collapses on top of Maya.

The blonde’s hands finding her back and stroking over it slowly and affectionately. Maya presses kisses to the side of Carina’s head.

She just needs a minute before Carina is pushing herself back up onto her hands and then knees. She grins devilishly down at Maya.

“What do you have in mind, my love?” Maya smirks too, she knows that look.

If possible, Carina’s smirk grows. She flips the bedding downwards and slides down the bed like a sexy snake, finding her favorite spot between Maya’s legs.

The blonde is absolutely throbbing and ready for some attention.

Carina’s eyes roam the space between Mayas legs, licking her lips as she thinks on some words to say. “You are so delicious.” Her eyes flicker up to find Mayas. The firefighter licks her lips and reaches down for Carina’s hand.

Carina sighs. It might be her favorite thing; that Maya always wants or needs to hold her hand while she is going down on Maya. It makes Carina’s heart soar. She leans in and takes a first lick, humming at the taste and feel.

Maya’s hips jerk and she tightens her grip on her wife’s hand, biting her lip as she watches Carina’s head and face between her legs. When Carina rolls her tongue completely through her folds Maya moans out loudly.

Carina shifts her focus to Maya’s most sensitive spot wrapping her lips and sucking.

The blonde going completely wild, her hips lifting off the mattress. “Car-“ The rest of Carina’s name getting stuck in Maya’s throat. Her hips calm back down but her free hand finds brown locks and tangles in them.

Carina grins into Maya, licking and stroking her tongues over a sensitive nub. She knows Maya can never endure too much of this before she is coming all over her face. And it never fails every time. This time no different as Carina flicks her tongue rapidly over Maya’s clit and then suck at it.

Strong muscular thighs tighten around her ears muffling the sound of Maya’s moaning scream. She feels the added wetness against her chin and grip on her hair painfully tight now.

As Maya comes down from her high and loses her grip on Carina, the brunette laps up Mayas juices, careful not to bump into her clit. She dips her tongue into Maya, collecting some wetness there before sitting up on her hands and knees, then moving to hover over the blonde again.

Maya is breathless. Her head rolled to the side as she pants for air.

Carina wants to kiss her so bad, but she knows Maya needs air.

“Can I kiss you?”

Maya turns her head, hooded blue eyes stare at her. “God, yes.” She reaches for the back of Carina’s head with what little strength she has. Somehow carina has zapped everything from her.

They kiss and both moan at the taste of Maya on their tongues. It’s a short kiss as Maya need to catch her breath yet but it’s so good.

“You are-“ The blonde sighs.

Carina smirks. Maya doesn’t need to say anything really. She knows.

But she does anyway. “You’re fucking amazing.”

“Or amazing at fucking.” Carina wiggles her eyebrows.

“That too.” Maya reaches her arms around Carina and pulls her down onto her chest.

“We didn’t even take our shirts off?” Carina teases.

“We don’t need to.” Maya sighs.

Carina laughs. She would’ve much rather enjoyed seeing Maya completely naked, but she supposes beggars can’t be choosers.

“We- I-“ The blonde struggles for the words. “I love you.” She concludes.

“Ti amo, bella.” She presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. Her hands finding Mayas sides, tickling lightly.

“Don’t.” Maya warns.

“Or what?”

“Or you’ll get it too.” Maya threatens.

Carina knows she’s not going to win in a tickle fight, so she retracts her hands.

“Do you want to go again?” Carina asks, sounding innocent though the question is not.

“I need to regain my strength and maybe a sports drink with electrolytes to help. I don’t know how you always zap my energy with that one, but it happens every time.”

Carina smirks. “Sucking you off is your kryptonite.”

Maya hums. “Probably why I rarely let anyone do it before you.”

Carina laughs. She knows the power she holds. She bounces up and out of the room to go get some water and a sports drink for Maya.

By the time Carina comes back to the bedroom, Maya is just finishing with the harness for the strap on.

There are a few more rounds before they finally go to sleep tired but satisfied.

Chapter 58

Notes:

hello, this might be long overdue. this chapter covers events in episode 5.2. Hope everyone enjoys. Not sure that's the word to use for this chapter.

Chapter Text

She doesn’t want to assault Maya as soon as she gets out of the shower, but she walks into the bathroom. “Can you answer me this question?”

The question catches Maya off guard. It’s such a strange thing for Carina to say. “Uh- I’ll try.” She has no idea what the question could be. It could range from anything from what do you wanted to have for dinner tomorrow or something bigger or deeper like what do you think is the meaning of our existence. She never knows what she’s going to get from Carina, and she loves that it could be anything in such a big range. It shows her just how big and fascinatingly intelligent Carina is.

“Did you shut me up with sex?”

Maya tips her head to the side, narrowing her eyes a little.

“I was talking about having babies and you spun around and kissed me.” Carina clarifies for a confused looking Maya.

Intentionally, Maya didn’t mean to do that but that’s what happened. “I didn’t hear you complain.”

True. Carina didn’t say anything but mostly because she wanted sex and Maya had been moaning about McCallister previously and interrupting their sexy time. So maybe she’s sort of guilty of the same thing. She smiles. She and Maya are very much alike. “I didn’t but-“

The blonde pulls her towel from her torso and starts wiping off her arms and then legs.

“That’s very distracting.” Carina swallows, her eyes slowly roaming every inch of skin that is visible to her.

Maya smirks.

“I’m trying to have a discussion with you.” Carina tries to focus and get back to what she wanted to say.

“You’re the one who walked in here, my love.” Maya points out.

Carina huffs, annoyed, turns around and walks out.

The firefighter smirks a little. It’s funny to her that Carina can be distracted with her naked body. Her wife has seen it many many times. It’s nothing new and yet Carina will still get distracted. Maya can’t really say anything because she knows she can be the same way. She gets dressed and then makes a protein shake while Carina is in the shower and getting dressed.

The Italian drives Maya to work before heading in herself.

“So, you were trying to avoid the conversation, or you weren’t?” Carina thinks now is good to talk about it, since Maya is fully clothed and can’t distract her with her sexy naked body.

Maya hums as Carina takes a turn a little faster than she should, clearly agitated. “I’m not really sure. It wasn’t my intention, I don’t think.” She’s not sure how she’s turned into the bad guy in this discussion. Or argument? Is it turning into any argument?

She takes Carina silence the remainder of the way that it is in fact an argument.

They get to the station and Maya goes to give Carina a kiss before she exits the car and heads inside, but Carina is already unbuckled and getting out of the car herself. Maya makes a quick pivot and gets out of the passenger’s side. “You don’t have to come in with me.” She meets Carina at the front of the vehicle.

Maya glances at Carina. Carina raises an eyebrow and sets her hands on her hips. Maya raises an eyebrow and then takes off towards the station. She’s not going to do this here in the parking lot. They can talk about it at home. Maya doesn’t want to bring her home life to work. She always tries her best to keep the two separate. Not that she doesn’t want Carina at her work but just their personal relationship and its discussions, fights, ups and downs. She wants to be as professional as possible, especially now that she’s been demoted.

She can hear Carina trailing behind her as she gets inside.

“Okay, we have a rule. Do not use sex to stop a fight.” Carina practically runs after Maya into the station. She just wishes Maya would slow down and talk with her. Maya wouldn’t talk at home so Carina wants to see if she’ll talk somewhere else.

She didn’t know it was a fight that they were having last night. “Well, I have a rule not to start a fight in the middle of sex.” Maya tries to keep her voice low.

“Good morning.” Ben enters the conversation against his will. “Bishop-DeLuca’s. Or is it DeLuca-Bishop’s? I still don’t know.”

“It’s DeLuca-Bishop.” Carina clarifies.

“It’s hasn’t been decided.” Maya turns to Carina. “DeLuca-Bishop?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna go change.” Ben makes a quick exit.

“Can we talk about this later?” Carina sounds exasperated.

“I am about to start a twenty-four hour.”

“Okay.” She looks around before taking a step towards her wife, wrapping her palm around the blonde’s forearm. She pulls Maya aside. “Every time I try to bring this up you come up with some excuse of why it’s not the right time to discuss it.”

“I’m sorry but when we got engaged, I told you I wasn’t sure.”

“Which is why we should discuss it.”

“I just- I need time. Okay? You’re so sure that you want to have kids and I- am not. And I need you to be okay with that.”

Carina takes a measured breath. “And I have been okay with that. But- okay- we’re not getting any younger.”

Maya sighs, because Carina is pushing. Carina sighs and takes a step back from Maya.

“Okay. Okay. We talk about this later.”

“Mm-hmm.” Maya nods, not really wanting to talk about it later.

“Okay.” Carina moves to the door. “I love you.” She turns to Maya before she goes.

“I love you too.” The fire lieutenant glances over at her wife as she pushs the door open and then watches as she leaves.

Maya doesn’t really want to discuss it, though. She knows Carina take on the whole pregnancy thing. She wants a baby. That’s clear to her, but they aren’t on the same page on that. And Carina knows that. She knows that Maya said she wasn’t sure. They both knew that going into their marriage. So, Maya doesn’t understand why now it needs to be discussed so much.

But then curiosity gets the better of her and Maya can’t stop thinking about the topic, so she asks Ben about it while they are on a call. He is a parent. But Maya finds his advice isn’t very helping. He says he didn’t choose to be a dad. There was no want to be or not want to be for him.

They are tasked with venting the building. Maya feels like something is off with the situation, the call. The house seems different, but she doesn’t know why. She tries to ignore it and ignore Ben talking bout Joey and how if he had said no to Miranda then he would miss out on all the magical moments with the teenager. She starts the chainsaw and that temporarily drowns out Ben, her thoughts, and the weird feeling she has.

But then she’s yelling over the chainsaw about loving a child unconditionally and about her fear of know if she’s capable of that and she doesn’t want to have a child just for it not to be loved.

The whole thing doesn’t hinge on one thing or another. There are many factors that play into it for Maya. A child, a baby, is a living breathing thing. It’s not a toy or an object. It needs to be taken care of and loved. It needs nourishment. Mentally, physically, emotionally. And Maya doesn’t know if she can provide all that. And considering her past with her father, she’s not sure that she wants to. She doesn’t want to say it, but Lane is a huge factor in any decision to have a child.

That weird feeling that Maya feels increases as they move to go to the others in the basement. She smacks her lips together; her mouth feels tingly. She asks Ben about it as they get to helping remove their fellow firefighter’s to safety.

The next thing Maya know is laying on the ground, looking up at the sky.

She’s off in her own little world as they get scrubbed down. Maya wonders if she’s high. Or how high she is. She’s never really done drugs or gotten high. There was one time after the Olympics that she was at a party and tried smoking some pot, but it didn’t go well.

If it was that bad that they passed out, Maya wonders if it was the chemicals then and not the marijuana. That probably makes more sense. She does feel sort of groggy though. The blonde hears Ben mention Grey-Sloan. She also doesn’t want to go to Grey-Sloan. She doesn’t want to see her wife.

Not that she doesn’t want to see Carina, she always wants to see Carina. She just doesn’t want to argue or discuss this argument they are having about interrupting sex. She knows it stems from the discussion about having a baby. Maya’s not dumb, she knows what the real issue is. Carina is just using this to circumnavigate the baby topic and will come back around to it at some point.

The feelings she has about having a baby seem to be in flux. But this little incident reminds her of the situation she is in with her job and career. She wants to be able to be there to support Carina and a child. She wants to be able to be there physically. She wants to be able to be there emotionally. She wants to be able to be strong, a leader. She wants to be captain and have a secure job. Right now, her job is in limbo. And she can’t fathom having a baby on top of all that. She doesn’t feel stable enough. Maya wonders, though, if anyone ever feels stable enough to have a child, start a family. Probably rich people, she thinks.

When she gets back to the station, to add to their crappy day, Jack suggests they go out for drinks at Joe’s and that Maya be friends with Sullivan again because he rescued her from the basement of the house when she was passed out.

She hates that shit. Other people telling her what she needs to do. She doesn’t want to make it seem like Carina is telling her what to do because Carina isn’t. But Carina is definitely on her case about the whole baby thing. Maya just feels like she needs more time with that. She needs to sort everything out in her head and try to decide if it’s possible.

Maya suggests jack invite Sullivan if he wants. She sure as hell isn’t going to be cozying up to Sullivan or inviting him anymore. She also wonders on Jack’s comment about her being in charge. Sure, Beckett is the captain, but she still does have some respect from her fellow firefighters. But she’s not in charge anymore and they need to understand that, as much as she needs to understand that. So, her making the call to go out for drinks isn’t about being captain or not. It isn’t about anything other than tradition.

After shift, Maya heads home. She knows that Carina is going to give her the inquisition about their argument yesterday morning which stemmed from the argument from the night before that had somehow started during sex.

There is a kiss when she comes in the door. Carina is having her morning coffee. Maya looks around their apartment. She’s not sure what she’s looking for. Something out of place, maybe. But nothing is.

“How was your shift?” Carina asks.

Now would be the time that Maya should tell Carina that they went to a call at a drug house and came into contact with K2 and got high, had to take a chemical bath, and go to the hospital to be checked out. But she doesn’t. “Good.” She knows the one word answer is going to make Carina suspicious. She never just gives a one word answer.

Carina raises an eyebrow.

“I’m going to shower. The crew is going out for drinks.”

“Now?”

Maya realizes that maybe Carina doesn’t know about the tradition. When they met, she wasn’t in a good place and going out for drinks with her crew. And then the pandemic hit.

“Yeah, after a big call we go out for drinks after shift.”

Carina worries now. What big call isn’t Maya telling her about. And why isn’t Maya telling her. She looks Maya up and down, taking her all in. The blonde seems fine. At least, outwardly. Carina doesn’t need to worry about that. She wonders, though, if Maya is going out for drinks to avoid her. Maybe it has less to do with the big call and more to do with that. She crosses her arms over her chest as she tries to think things through. Whatever happens this morning, she has to go to work in an hour, so she needs to keep that in mind.

She changes while Maya showers and then when Maya is done in the bathroom, she moves in there to get ready.

“Okay, so yesterday you couldn’t talk because you were about to start a shift and today you can’t talk because you’re about to go to a bar at 8:30 in the morning.” Carina vents her frustration.

Maya sits on the end of the bed to put her socks on.

“It’s tradition. And we haven’t gone in a year and a half.” Maya lets out some of her own frustration.

Carina sighs dramatically.

Maya sits nervously, hands folded in her lap. She jiggles her legs a little and watches as Carina crosses the room, sits, and starts to put her boots on. It’s now or she’s not going to be able to say it. Maya has thought about it all night and- “I don’t think I can do it.”

Carina stares at Maya, not sure what the it is in Maya’s sentence.

“Have kids.” The blonde clarifies.

Carina watches as Maya spins out. Her hands flailing as she tries to explain herself. “I mean- it’s terrifying. It’s like ripping your heart out and watching it walk around the world.”

“Exactly.” Carina smirks a little. So, Maya does understand the feeling. She just thought that Maya had been avoiding everything, blocking it all out. But she’s not. She feels things about the topic of babies and children. She grins as they stare at each other for a moment. A little bit of hope fills Carina that Maya is actually thinking this through and feeling about it. And it makes her emotional. “It is like ripping your heart out and watching it walk around the world.” But she sees the confusion on Maya’s face when she repeats the phrase in a more emotional way. “Okay, Maya, I love you. And if being married to you means not having any children, I will learn to accept that. Because I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to do; especially something as big as bring another life into this world.” Her hope fades at the look on Maya’s face. She realizes that they aren’t actually on the same page with this like that tiny little hope had told her that they might be. Carina puts her other boot on. She’s got to get to work.

She gives Maya a little confidence boost, though. “But I know you. You aren’t afraid of anything.” She moves to go sit next to her wife. “So, when you tell me that you don’t want to have kids because you’re too terrified of it, I don’t believe you.”

Maya huffs and gets up. Her wife being too close to her now to have this conversation. She goes into the bathroom to busy herself. She hates that Carina is right about not being afraid of anything. Though, there are things that Maya is afraid of. Carina just might not realize what they are.

“Okay, Maya.” Carina sighs in frustration that Maya is walking away from her again about this topic. It feels like they are literally chasing after each other to even talk about this. She gets up and follows after her wife. “What is it? Can you look at me. What- what- is it-“

“I got demoted.” Maya starts applying her mascara. “And replaced by a douche who calls me pretty.” That comment at the Phoenix Fair still rubs Maya the wrong way. She’s more than just a pretty face. She is a trained firefighter. She likes to think she’s good at her job. There’s more to her than photo op with a pretty firefighter. “And my boss is another douche who thinks that having a handlebar moustache makes you a firefighter. And I know I made decisions that got me here-”

Carina feels sympathy for Maya and a little guilty for being so forward about having kids. It’s so hard to hear what Maya is saying about the unfairness of her workplace but it’s also relieving to hear Maya open up about it, about what’s really bothering her. Yes, they talk about Maya’s work and the things that are happening, but they don’t often talk about the sexism and misogyny of it all. Not on a deeper level. Or, apparently, the fact that it bothers Maya to no end.

“-but I was on a track. I was projected to make battalion chief by 40. I mean, maybe even chief of SFD.” She hates that she has to spew all of this out at Carina right now. The timing isn’t great.

“And you can still do all of that.”

Maya spins around. “You don’t get it.” She feels so far away from Carina right now, even though she’s standing right in front of her. “You don’t understand, Carina. You’re a doctor. An OB for god sakes. You can still do your job and be pregnant.” Her emotions are starting to get the better of Maya. They are eeking their way into her motions, her hand expression, her words. Everything. “When a firefighter gets pregnant, they have to report themselves by day one. Day one.”

Carina glances away from the pain on Maya’s face. She wishes Maya would have told her this about the reporting. She had no way of knowing that it was so unfair, that if pregnant, Maya would be so limited.

“I wouldn’t see the inside of a fire truck for nine months.”

Carina wants to say something but Maya forges on, and forges past her back into the bedroom.

“Do you know what happened to me on duty yesterday?” She doesn’t even let Carina say anything or ask about it. “I got high on K2 and passed out.”

“What?” Carina wonders why she’s just hearing about this now. She does know that Maya is under a lot of stress so that probably has something to do with it.

“There are no pumping breaks in the middle of a call.” Maya struggles with her watch in all her frustration. “There are no breast milk fridges at a fire house.”

“Okay.” Carina makes sure that Maya knows she is listening and paying attention. She moves to the bed and sits down. “Lucky for you, there are two wombs in this relationship.”

Maya runs her hands through her hair. She really doesn’t want to be doing this right now. The blonde looks at her watch. It’s already time to be at the bar for drinks. “Even if you were the one to carry. I would still be a new mom. And yes, they would technically give me parental leave.” She’s looking for her shoes. “But do you really think that they would promote me back up after that. Where the hell are my shoes?” She knows she sounds frantic and if it were anyone other than Carina, she would worry about how that makes her seem. Just like the words that are coming out of her mouth everything she does is watched and scrutinized by the fire department.

“Right there.” Carina not only sees Maya’s frustration but hears it as well. It’s clear that Maya has thought everything through in regard to a baby and what that means for her job or career. She knows it’s not fair for Maya. Carina isn’t blind to that. She didn’t take into account, though, the way the fire department were to potentially treat Maya if she did become a mother.

She sits on the end of the bed with her shoes, next to Carina. “You know, Warren and Miller. They can become dads at the drop of a hat.” She can’t. Maya literally can’t. She can’t, she doesn’t want to let the emotion affect her. She doesn’t want Carina to see this spiral. It’s all so unfair to Maya. Her demotion. The men in the fire department. Now this baby thing.

“Hey.” Carina says softly. She reaches out to try to comfort her wife.

“And they can enjoy the magic and spontaneity.” She’s a mess now. The tears and the snot. “And the department con-“ Maya tries to pull it together. “The department just congratulates them. And gives them a cigar because the system is built for them. But it’s not for me.”

“Let’s not talk about this right now.” Carina says over Maya. She hates seeing her wife so upset.

“I tried. Carina, I tried. I tried to wrap my brain around it.” She’s so fed up with everything right now. Maya takes a half of a breath. “For you. Because you got married for me.” Somewhere, deep inside, Maya knows that’s not true. Or it’s not the only truth. Tit for tat, though, right. Marriage is compromise and sometimes sacrificing things for one another.

“I did not get married for you.”

“Okay, I know. You didn’t.” The firefighter takes a deep breath, trying to reel it all back in because what she just spewed at Carina was a lot. But then she’s looks over at her wife and sees the tears now in her eyes. The why she painfully bites at her lip. How there are probably words that Carina wants to say but isn’t sure if saying them will make things better or worse.

“I love you.” Maya wants to make that clear. Clear, before the next words that fall from her lips. Words that hold so much power and weight to them. Words that could destroy. “But, I can’t do it.”

And they do. They destroy Carina. Maya can almost see her heart shattering into a thousand little pieces. She sees brown eyes glass over as more tears fill them.

Carina gets up. A shaky okay comes from her lips as she moves herself away from Maya. She can’t be close to Maya right now. It’s too much. She needs space to think.

The blonde watches as she goes. As, Carina, leaves the bedroom. And then moments later, their apartment. She knows Carina has to go to work, but it feels like she’s going somewhere else. Or going for a different purpose, like she’s leaving because of what Maya said.

She toys with her wedding ring as she sits in disbelief. Carina just walked away from her, walked out of the room. Part of her wanted fight from Carina but instead she gets silence and a disappearing act. Maya isn’t sure which is worse. An argument says one thing, but silence says that Carina can’t or doesn’t want Maya knowing what she thinks. She knows she probably just destroyed Carina’s entire world by saying she can’t but she feels like she needed to be honest.

Maya picks up her right shoe and looks at it for a moment. This feels like just another thing that Maya got wrong. She made the wrong decision, like when she decided to save that child. It’s just another thing that she’s fucked up or is fucking up. She wonders about what the punishment for this will be. Is Carina going to avoid her, shun her, give her the cold shoulder or something worse. She flares her nostrils, clenches her jaw, and then throws her shoe across the room. It skids out into the hallway before coming to a stop. Maya doesn’t want to go for a drink now. She just wants to curl up in bed and pout the day away.

Carina drives to work with her jaw clenched. She thinks she probably shouldn’t have said anything about talking with Maya this morning because now she’s upset and has to go to work and try to focus. The doctor is determined not to cry but it’s really hard right now. Maya, her Maya, doesn’t want to have kids. It’s more than she doesn’t want, it seems. It’s that she thinks she can’t. That the world and her job aren’t set up and don’t make it possible for Maya to have children. And that hurts Carina’s heart knowing that Maya thinks that way, almost as much as Maya telling her that she can’t.

But she pulling into the parking lot at the hospital and has to try to put all of her personal thoughts aside.

Chapter 59

Notes:

I'm back. This chapter works through the events of episode 5.03 i believe. Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Despite her feelings and Maya saying she can’t, Carina has agreed to help at the station and been approved to help with the heatwave. Plus, the push in is today and for as much as Maya has talked about it since the other fire engine got destroyed, Carina doesn’t want to miss it.

She shows up early, so she doesn’t miss it. The crowd that is gathering with anticipation outside is a welcome sight. While she isn’t afraid to speak to or see her wife, there is some apprehension there. The last few days that Maya has had off they’ve mostly missed each other. On purpose. Carina going to work early. Maya being gone when she comes home from work. She knows they are both avoiding. She thinks it’s okay for now, until they both process their feelings, as long as it doesn’t persist.

And Carina seems to have a lot of them, more than she thought she had. When she wakes up in the morning, it hits her like a cold wave of ocean water. The Italian has tried to work through them but it’s hard to get completely through without having Maya’s input or having Maya as a sounding board. She’s not exactly sure where her wife stands on the subject of children other than can’t. To her, can’t isn’t a word that should be used. I can’t, to Carina, sounds like an excuse.

When she sees her wife come outside with the rest of the crew she claps and smiles proudly. She’ll always be so damn proud of Maya for the amazing job that she does every day. Hearing about the K2 exposure was a little unnerving. It’s just a reminder that there are unsafe conditions that Maya is going to encounter but she knows that her wife is well trained and the best at what she does so Carina tries not to fret over scary or unpredictable calls.

Everything happens in a little bit of a blur. The microphone is being passed around and then Maya is making a speech. Carina wasn’t aware that Maya was going to be making a speech. The blonde hadn’t said anything to her about a speech. And she knows Maya would be agonizing over perfecting a speech if she knew she had to make one. So, the conclusion that she comes to is that this is impromptu, and that Maya didn’t know she would be making a speech. It makes Carina smile softly as the words come from her wife’s mouth.

But then Beckett is hurrying things along. Now Carina is annoyed, and she feels the fun and excitement being drained from her just from the captain’s attitude and presence in the situation. She narrows her eyes at him, shooting daggers. He shouldn’t be captain. Her wife should be. If she were they wouldn’t be in this situation. Carina feels that in every bone in her body. They wouldn’t have to be pushing a new fire engine into the fire house. They wouldn’t be gathered outside in the heat having a big to do about it. If Maya were captain, she wouldn’t have let an engine get stolen, crashed, or explode. He’s incompetence wears on Carina and she’s not even a firefighter.

The problem with the heatwave and the hot temperatures that no one seems to have considered though is that it makes metal hot and burn. So, when they go to push the engine in there are more problems than anyone bargained for.

Dr. DeLuca turns her attention right away to a boy who burned his little hands. She pours a bottle of water over his hands before ushering him inside to get more care. Carina gets him some bandages and explains aftercare to the father before sending them on their way.

Maya walks in on Carina putting her blue latex gloves on. “Are you okay?” The hum that she gets from Carina proves that she isn’t okay. “Carina?”

The doctor starts packing up supplies, ignoring Maya. She just doesn’t want to be close to her right now. She loves her and was happy to see her and excited about Maya’s speech, but she also can’t be physically close with Maya right now. Maya dropped the bomb that they won’t be having children and now she needs to be able to process that.

Except, she doesn’t want to because there has been no further discussion on the subject. It is now as if everything has been settled. But Carina doesn’t think that it is. Nor does she think that it should be. There are two of them in this relationship. She thinks she and Maya needs to sit down and speak further on the subject of having children. There is more to say than just ‘I can’t’. And she doesn’t understand how Maya can just go about as if everything is settled. She questions if Maya truly thinks that everything is settled because to her, it’s not.

“Hey, it’s okay to be sad. It’s valid.” Maya thinks Carina is just irritable because she’s sad. Or, more so, because she’s trying to hide her sadness.

“I know it is.”

“You don’t have to pretend to be fine just for my benefit.” She knows that she crushed Carina’s heart when she told her that she can’t have kids.

Maya always talks about how she wants to be professional and keeps things that are overly personal out of her work, so Carina tries to go the same route. “I’m here to do a job, Maya.” She walks away from Maya, busy with her job and its requirements. Maya should understand that. But if Maya wants to talk about this right now then why not get into it. “But here’s a question for you.” She spins back around.

The blonde hums, ready to hear the question.

“What if I just told you that I never wanted to have sex again.”

“What?” She’s shocked at the words coming from Carina’s mouth. Is this her punishment for saying she can’t have children? She and Carina are never going to have sex again? This is it. That’s the punishment.

“Yeah, and I just didn’t discuss it with you. Didn’t debate it. All the way through. I just declared it and ended the conversation. Punto. Like this. Boom.” She is fired up now. Carina knows this isn’t the best way to go about this, but Maya hasn’t brought up having children again and she doesn’t think Maya will.

The blonde doesn’t understand what’s happening right now. Carina isn’t upset about not having a baby or kids. She’s upset that they didn’t discuss it more. Maya doesn’t know what more she can say on the subject without repeating herself. And Carina is the one who left after she told her that she couldn’t. She assumed that meant it was finalized. And now Carina is pointing a frustrated finger at her.

“I’m actually, I’m not sad, I’m an-“ Carina growls. She doesn’t want to say that she’s angry. She takes a look at Maya and snatches the item in her hands putting it with the rest of her supplies. “I have to go to work.” She stomps out of the room.

“You know, it’s different, because we both love sex.” The firefighter has no idea way she says that. To stick it to Carina a little, perhaps. But she regrets saying it so loudly and boldly when firefighter Cutler walks behind her. She turns to look at him, thinking about saying something to redeem herself but there’s not much she can say.

The doctor finds it annoying that that’s what Maya focused on in everything that she said. She feels like she could get a better response talking to a wall. She just can’t understand how Maya can miss the point so badly sometimes. She is an intelligent woman and yet the most obvious things fly right past her some of the time. Carina knows it’s not as simple as that. Her wife is a complex human who has beliefs and has had certain ideas and characteristics drilled into her by her father. Those things still exist within Maya, no matter how much they talk about them, or how much Maya wants to bury them or avoid them. They are still there. They will likely remain there.

When Carina gets involved a little while later with a high school aged boy who appears to be suffering for heat exhaustion or heat stroke her brain almost short circuits. This can’t be possible. She can’t be seeing a current version of Maya and her father but that’s what this appears to be.

The boy’s friend explains that they were doing football drills and that the boy’s father wouldn’t let him stop until he completed all the drills. For Carina, she didn’t ever see Maya with her father in a training capacity, but she has imagined it many many times. All the drills he made her do. Running past the point of exhaustion. Early morning work outs. Late night sessions. Pushing and pressuring Maya to do the best, be the best and that if she did the most in training, she would be the best. That if she was lazy or wanted to take day off, she was a loser and a failure.

She notices that the boy isn’t sweating and knows it’s gone beyond heat exhaustion. That this is a serious situation. They need to get Davey, the boy, to the hospital.

But the father tries to downplay it, just saying his son is tired and thirsty. He tries to give his son water, but Carina knocks the bottle away. She doesn’t even think about it, just does it. She takes charge of the situation. “Thank you, Sullivan, but I’m the doctor in this room.” Carina gets some ice packs for the boy, to help cool him.

Sullivan doesn’t like being pushed aside or put in his place, so he has something to say to Carina. “Well, this is a fire house, and you are a volunteer, DeLuca.”

“Yeah, I’m a volunteer doctor. And this is my patient now.” The boy starts to faint and fall forward. Before he can collapse, Carina is lifting his arm and ducking under it. “We need to get his temperature down.” She’s lifting and everyone can only go along with her. “That yellow bin in the barn. You two, get me as much ice as you can carry.” The points at Maya and Miller as they move the boy to the barn. Carina doesn’t have time nor does she care if she’s stepping on Sullivan’s toes. No one else has put up a fuss about her taking charge of the situation and ordering everyone around. They all just help and trust that Carina knows what she’s doing. Montgomery, Miller, and Bishop all do what is asked of them. Sullivan is the only one that puts up a stink. Carina files that to the back of her mind for another time and focuses on her patient and not her annoyance with the man.

Maya and Dean get the ice in the tub as Carina tries to reassure Davey that it’s going to be fine.

Davey’s father comes over thinking this crazy lady is totally over exaggerating. He wonders where firefighter Sullivan went, he seemed to be on his side. If he can just get Sullivan to talk this doctor lady down, then he can take his son home and take care of him how he sees fit. He knows what’s best for his own son. “Hey Doc, he’s going to be fine, right?”

Carina has no patience for this father. Somehow, today she is all out of patience. No patience for Sullivan, or Maya, or this reckless father. “We’re trying to lower his temperature until the aid car we’ve called arrives.”

“Alright, just let me talk to him.” He doesn’t want his son going to the hospital.

“No.” Carina holds her hand up and looks up at the man from her position on the floor. “You have to stay far away from me and from my patient until we can get him to the hospital.”

“Come on, that’s my son.”

Carina gets to her feet. “Who you’ve almost killed.” She knows some of her anger is misplaced.

Maya looks over at the sound of Carina’s raised voice.

The doctor points to the other side of the room. “So go sit over there. Thank you.”

“That’s ridiculous.” The father complains.

Maya steps in before things get any more heated than they already are. “Let’s go take a seat.” She guides the man away from her angry wife. “Let’s go.”

“That’s my son.” He doesn’t put up much of a fight with Maya, knowing that she’s a firefighter who actually works at this fire station instead of the doctor that seems to be misplaced in this fire house.

Carina gets back to the patient.

“You know, DeLuca, you shouldn’t talk to the public like that.” Sullivan tries to advise.

The Italian thinks it’s rich coming from Sullivan. She, not so kindly, reminds him of how he, not so nicely, talked to the public recently. “Oh yeah, and what should I do? Assault a teenage kid over a cell phone.”

Sullivan gets up to walk away. He scoffs, laughing her off and leaves. In Robert’s opinion, Carina has no right being in the fire station for any reason other than to drop something off for Maya. And at that, she can just drop it at the front desk and leave. He sees no reason for Carina to be there, helping, today or any other day. She doesn’t belong here. They are trained firefighters; they can handle whatever situations come their way.

An aid car finally arrives to take Davey to the hospital. Carina is helping load him up when his father comes over from his time out seat.

“Hey Doc, I just wanted to thank you and assure you this won’t happen again.”

“Either way, I’ll be calling child protective services.” She assures the man. “Because what you’re doing to him is not just physical harm-“ Carina tries her hardest to keep everything in check but the situation reminds her of other situations and it pains Carina to see it. It is also her duty as a doctor to inform CPS of what she’s seen. “You’re also teaching him that there is no amount of your love, of your respect, or your protection. You- you’re just harming him. And- ahhhh-“ She walks away, she can’t look at the father. “Some people should not be allowed to be parents.”


She tried asking Warren for advice on children and becoming a parent, but his advice was really unhelpful. Maya tries Miller now. She knows Carina is mad at her about it. Or mad about it. She made that clear earlier when she did the whole thing where she decided she didn’t want to have sex anymore. Maya really hopes that was just an example because she doesn’t know if she can handle that. Carina said that she would have to learn to be okay with them not having kids but Maya wonders if she herself going to have to learn about not having something else in return.

Really, she doesn’t want her wife mad at her. She doesn’t want to be to blame for Carina’s crabby mood. She doesn’t want Carina crabby or mad or sad or any other negative emotion. She knows she needs to find a way to make some sort of compromise or conscious decision to where they both can be happy. Because if they aren’t or can’t be happy moving forward without a child then, really, what’s the point.

Dean is a smart guy, so Maya tells him everything that’s going on, leaving out the details about her crying and being upset and asks what more she can do.

“-and we made a decision. But now it’s like I’m being punished for that.”

“Mm-hmm.” Dean slings the dolly full of cases of water back and gets them rolling.

“What?”

“Still sounds like you made the decision though.”

Maya shakes her head a little. “No. She said fine if you don’t want them, then we won’t have them.” She gets the elevator button for Dean.

Dean can see how Carina would be frustrated and angry with Maya about it. From his perspective it seems rather one sided. The elevator dings and opens. “Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a we decision, that sounds like a you decision.” He glances over at Maya and gives her the news. “Which is-“ He backs into the elevator. “Look some decisions are a you decision. But others, you really should make them as a team.”

Maya hits the elevator button and the doors close. “Yeah, but I told her when we got married that I didn’t think I wanted to have kids.” What Dean is telling her, also, isn’t what Maya wants to hear.

“Yeah, but still.” Dean doesn’t have someone that he has to make decisions with regarding Pru. Sometimes he wishes he did.

“But still what?” Maya really doesn’t understand what he’s trying to tell her.

“But still. It’s a decision that’s going to affect her entire life. You should at least have a conversation about it.”

Maya tries to read between the lines and get to what he isn’t saying. “You’re saying I’m selfish.” The elevator opens and they and the water get out.

“I’m saying that you’re used to making decisions about your own life, right or wrong, alone. And I recognize that. Because surprise. I’m the same way too.”

A call comes in and they have to rush off, but Dean’s words linger with Maya. His advice about having kids is far more helpful than Warren’s was. She still doesn’t necessarily agree with it, but it does give her a different perspective. What she decides or what she and Carina decide affects both of them. And it might affect each of them in different ways.

She shakes thoughts of her wife off as they pull up to the car crash. A boy and his mom are trapped in the car. The road buckled in the heat causing the accident. The boy is scared, and his mother tries to tell him that the firefighters are there to help and they will keep him safe and get him out of the car. Max, the boy, starts to panic when they can’t get him out of the car right away.

They work to get the woman out first. Maya helps guide her out before jumping down into the car to be with Max. She tries her best to keep him calm, but it isn’t working. She and his mother don’t want him to panic and overheat and exacerbate the situation. She manages to at least keep the boy from escalating further into a panic. She’ll consider it a win as they roll him away on a stretcher to the ambulance.


Things start to quiet down as daylight wanes and day fades into night. Carina gets a drink of water, trying to stay hydrated. She looks around the barn and spot a little tub in the corner with some gauze supplies in it. She removes the supplies and looks at the tub in her hands, flipping it over and over. She thinks about the crew that has been out on the call in the heat. She thinks about Maya who is out on the call in the heat.

Carina smiles shyly. She sighs. She misses her wife. It’s been like two days since Maya said she can’t and they’ve been mostly avoiding each other. Last night before bed there was a peck of the lips and curt good night. They both laid down, backs to the other, and went to sleep.

Maya had come home last night from spending the day with Vic and Travis and then came right to bed. Carina had been in bed reading, waiting for her wife. She hated the feeling the entire time. Then this morning, there was a commotion with the station opening their doors for the public because of the heatwave. Maya suggested that Carina help out and get approved to help out, so they went their separate ways to accomplish their separate goals before the push in.

It's a stupid idea, but she wants to do something for Maya. When she was a child in Italy, they would take a bucket or pot or pan, a small tub, and fill it with ice water and soak their feet. It was a reasonable way to cool off fast. Not using a lot of water and a little bit of ice on a hot summer day. Sticking the bare feet in was a quick way to cool off.

The scanner radio in the corner crackles to life letting Carina know that the crew is finished at the scene and letting the dispatcher know that they are reporting back to the station.

“They’re coming back.” She mumbles to herself. Carina nods and runs up the stairs to the beanery to find some ice and then the locker room to get a couple of towels. She hurries back down the stairs with ice in her tub and goes into the barn and fills it with cold water before setting the tub on the floor and pulling some folding chairs over to the back of the barn to complete her set up.

Each shoe is untied one at a time, slowly. Carina bends over in the chair and pulls the shoes from her feet with a little grunt. Everything is sticky and uncomfortable.

“Dio mio.” She sighs as her feet hit the cold of the ice water and closes her eyes.

A few minutes later, Carina hears the roar of the engine. The door goes up, she ignores it though, taking a drink of her water instead. It’s not going to be her who says anything to Maya. She’s not going to invite her over. Carina would like Maya to come over and sit with her for a few minutes. That’s why she got the second chair set up but she’s not going to draw attention to herself for the rest of the crew to see.

But then boots are hitting the ground hard and Maya’s voice echoes through the barn.

“Ah, that looks amazing.” The heat made her more exhausted and tired than usual and Maya is feeling it right now. A cool down is welcomed. She moves towards Carina and the little set up that she has. She wonders if the heat has soaked through to her brain because she finds herself sitting down and pulling her boots off immediately. Maybe it’s the things that Dean said that have Maya quick to sit down next to her wife. Either way, the relief is real as she dips her feet into the little tub next to Carina’s.

But then she looks over at her wife and Carina is watching her with a pinched smile on her face. Soft, not angry. She appraises Carina for what seems like long moments, trying to get a read on the emotion that Carina is trying to hide from her. And then Sullivan is opening his big mouth and ruining Maya’s moment to just stare at her wife in peace and try to figure her out without words or interruptions.

“Hey, DeLuca.” He stands behind Maya. This isn’t for Maya. He’s still peeved at Carina about earlier when she overruled him with Davey. But he thanks her for her help. She did really know what to do in that situation and came to the conclusion faster than he would have.

Except, he speaks in Italian.

That gets Maya’s attention. She looks back at Sullivan. She didn’t know he spoke Italian.

Carina knows it’s rude. She wants him to speak in English so Maya can understand. She knows he is doing it, so Maya doesn’t understand. He’s doing it on purpose. It’s rude and inconsiderate and it firms her belief that he is a self-servicing asshole. But first, before she switches to English, she needs to give him a piece of her mind and she doesn’t want Maya to feel like she is stepping on her toes.

It’s too fast and Maya can only pick up a few words but she hears her name from Carina’s lips multiple times. She knows Carina is talking about her and hopes that it’s good, but it doesn’t sound good the longer they go on. And she knows it isn’t good by the look on Carina’s face. “Hi, can we speak English please? Because this sounds angry.”

“Your wife is looking for somebody, other than you, to blame that you don’t want children.” He knows his not wrong with what he’s saying.

Carina doesn’t say anything. She raises her eyebrows though when she realizes that he is right. She is doing that. She’s putting her and Maya’s problems on him because it’s easier. But at the same time, she feels like Sullivan is a piece in the puzzle. He is to blame for some of this. Not for what Maya did but for how he offered himself up to be captain to replace Maya.

Maya glares at him as he continues speaking and chews on her lip briefly as he walks away. When she sat down, she was feeling good. She was ready to maybe have a discussion with Carina. Dean’s words got to her. The boy in the car, Max, got to her. There are still issues and problems and she still doesn’t have her job back, but maybe with time those things will be resolved. The future is yet to be determined but that shouldn’t prevent their present lives from happening.

She starts with an apology. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t want what you want. I’m sorry that you’re not fine. And I know me being sorry doesn’t make it any better but-“

“It helps.” Carina lets Maya know that it helps. It helps to hear that Maya is sorry that things are the way they are. That she’s sorry that they are at an impasse with this.

“It is not Sullivan’s fault that I don’t want kids.” She smiles a little thinking about Carina blaming Sullivan. She wants to blame him too. “I know that it’s easier to blame him because being mad at me hurts. But it’s not his fault.” Maya feels like that needs to be said to benefit both of them because she knows they both could easily blame Sullivan but that wouldn’t get them anywhere.

The lieutenant looks across at her wife with hope in her eyes for Carina to accept her apology. “I’m sorry.”

Carina rolls her eyes. She’s being emotional and silly, she knows that. But she also feels like her feelings in this conversation should be valid and she feels like Maya hasn’t or won’t hear them. That’s all she really wants. “Look, I know you have a crappy father. But I still think you’ll be a wonderful mother.” Carina believes that in her bones.

Maya looks over in disbelief though.

“I want you- I want us to break our family pattern. I want you to change the way the fire department treats women. I, yes, I ultimately want you to want what I want.”

Maya glances away from Carina, too afraid that if she looks her straight in the eye, she’ll crumble to everything that Carina is saying.

“But I don’t want it today. Or tomorrow. I just want it- someday?” She leans forward in her chair, hoping to get through to Maya. For Maya to really hear what she is saying. To makes her feelings and wants known to the blonde. That’s all she can do at this point. Carina just wanted that opportunity to tell Maya and to communicate that to her and then to have hope that at some point they can come to some sort of understanding.

Maya thinks about it for a moment, and it brings her back to the kid in the car. Carina saying she’ll make a wonderful mother doesn’t seems that far fetched after the call she had. “I saved a kid today.”

Carina tips her head to the side. The way Maya says it makes her curious as to what sort of impact this is going to have on their conversations about having kids. “You did.” She nods because she knows Maya did if Maya is sitting her telling her she did.

The proud little smile that Maya wears looks a little off, almost like Maya can’t believe it herself. “I was- I was pretty good with him.” It doesn’t seem to fit in the context of their conversation, and she hopes Carina understands what she is saying and how this connects the two things for her without getting into too much detail.

There is a little smile and an okay from Carina and it urges Maya to keep going. “And I liked the feeling.” She flicks her eyes over at Carina to see what she is thinking, to gauge the look on her face. There’s a little smile from Carina and a nod of the head forward asking for more, and Maya can’t help but give it to her. “I want to want what you want- I don’t yet.” She shakes her head with a pinched grin. Those are the facts, and she lets them be known. “But I want to.” Maya chuckles a little. She wants the things Carina wants in life. But this isn’t, hasn’t, been one of them. She stares at Carina as the tears come to her eyes and she gasps. The blonde reaches out to comfort her wife, a hand on her knee. Carina’s hand immediately covers hers. “Maybe that’s enough for now.”

And Carina is nodding and trying not to cry. “Maybe it is.” She nods, feeling relief coursing through her body. “Yeah.” There is overwhelming relief that there is a way forward.

“Yeah?”

“Y-yeah, it is.” She gets the words out and wonders what’s next but then Maya is reaching out and pulling her into a kiss. And just for right now, everything is right again. It’s not perfect but there is relief and hope for Carina.

Carina leans in for another brief kiss. A second kiss. One where they are on the same page now. One where Carina is content with Maya’s words and actions. A peace of mind sort of kiss, where she knows that Maya is at least open to the idea of wanting kids. That it’s not the end of the world and that they aren’t forever going to be bitter with each other about not coming to the same decision. It’s a simple kiss, leaning over and pressing her lips to Maya, feeling soft supple lips kiss her back. Her chest feels like it might explode, she feels so thankful and happy right now that she has Maya. This beautiful, magnificent, complicated, hardworking, driven woman is her wife.

She knows Maya is at work. She groans, frustrated, that Maya is at work when the blonde pulls away from their brief kiss.

“What?” Maya wonders of that groan. She slumps back in her chair, hands folded together in her lap, rubbing her thumb over her silicone ring.

“I just-“ Carina’s all over the place today and she knows it. And that in itself is frustrating. She wants to be levelheaded and seen as a confident stable woman. But sometimes she’s just- not.

“You’re working.” She reaches for Maya’s hand.

Maya tangles her fingers with Carina’s. “Yes. And?”

Carina drops her voice to a deep whisper. “I want to take you home with me.”

“Oh.” Maya is a bit speechless. Her eyes are wide.

“Not like that. Not in a sexy way. Though I wouldn’t mind a sexy way right now either. I want us to-“

“Reconnect.” Maya fills in.

“Si.” Carina sighs at Maya knowing what she wants. “I’ve missed you.”

“I haven’t gone anywhere.” Maya smirks a little.

Carina rolls her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Maya chuckles. “Yeah, I’ve missed you too. I hate when we argue.”

“I do too.”

“Come back in the morning.” Maya blurts. The thought just occurred to her.

Carina tilts her head to the side. “Won’t you be done in the morning? And come home?”

“Yes, but before that we are going to push the engine in.”

Carina thumbs over her shoulder. “It’s sitting right behind us.”

Maya smiles, slowly. “It’s tradition. It’s ceremonial. Even if it’s already here and we already used it.”

Carina nods. “Okay. What time?”

“The push in is at nine. So, before that.” She strokes her thumb over Carina’s skin, caressing it gently.

Carina squeezes Maya’s hand, letting her know that she will be here.

“And then after, we can- go home.” Maya’s eyes linger on Carina’s. The small smile on the corners of Carina’s lips let her know that she is one hundred percent in on the idea. “This is nice.” Maya says after they sit in silence for a few moments.

“It is. Come closer.” Carina tugs on Maya’s hand before letting it go.

Maya scoots her chair over so that they are sitting more next to each other than facing each other. She finds Carina’s hand again. “Is it weird?”

“Cosa?”

“That we are doing this?”

Carina hums. “I thought maybe it would be nice. For when you came back. I heard that you were leaving the scene and I put this together.”

“Even though you were mad at me?”

“I wasn’t-“ Carina wants to say she wasn’t mad but that’s not entirely true. She was mad. And frustrated. She just wanted Maya to talk about things and not avoid it and say it’s done, over, figured out.

Maya bumps her elbow into Carina’s arm. “You can say it.”

Carina shakes her head. “I was a little mad at you.” She chuckles and Maya joins her in a little laugh.

“Thank you for this.” Maya means the ice water foot bath. “Did you want to stay for dinner with us?”

Carina hums. “I don’t know if I can sit in the same room with Sullivan right now.”

Maya nods. She gets that. It hasn’t been exactly easy to work with him this past year, but she had to. Maya has kept things with Sullivan strictly professional. They don’t joke around, there’s no small talk, they aren’t in each other’s company if they don’t have to be. So, she gets it.

“Go home, get some sleep. Or try to. I know it’s hot. So hot. I can’t sleep really. And that’s not helping anything. At least at home it’s in the comfort of our own bed that we can suffer through the heat. Here, in a room with other people. Uck, it’s awful. A bunch of hot sweaty bodies all in one room. What I wouldn’t give to have the captain’s office back right now.” Maya whines. “Just to be alone.” She rolls her head to the side and glances over at Carina with a little soft wistful smile.

“Alone, huh?”

“Well, me and you.” Maya smiles, her eyes soft, calm.

Carina turns her head and smiles at Maya. “I like the sound of that.”

“And then we wouldn’t have to do this-“ She waves her hand around. “-out here.”

“You trying to keep me a secret?” Carina teases.

Maya blushes a little and looks down at their feet in the ice water that is not so icy anymore. She moves her right foot over and puts it on top of Carina’s.

The Italian doesn’t move or say anything. She waits a moment before putting her right foot on top of Maya’s. It turns into a competition of them going back and forth trying to get one of their feet to be the top foot.

After a few rounds, and much laughter, and splashing of water out of the little tub, Carina leans over and wraps her arms around Maya, stopping both of their feet.

That’s when Travis walks in. “Maya, dinner’s- oh.” He looks at Carina with her arms around Maya, leaning against her and then the water on the floor and then. “You better clean up this water before Beckett sees.” He doesn’t want his friends to get in trouble with the captain.

“Beckett can kiss my ass.” Maya grumbles.

Carina sits back in her own chair. She grabs the white towel from her lap. “Don’t worry, Travis, I’ll take care of it.”

“Okay, I just came to say dinner is ready.”

“Thanks, Travis.”

“Are you staying for dinner, Carina?”

“No, not today. It’s been a challenging day. I need to go home and take a cold shower and try to relax and get out of my head. I’ve been irrational and-“

Travis holds his arms out, palms out. “You don’t need to explain. We all have tough days. You’re allowed.”

Carina smiles at his reminder. “Thanks, Trav.”

“No problem.” He winks and walks out of the barn, leaving them in silence once again.

Carina reaches down with her left hand. “Dammi il tuo piede.” Maya hums but goes along as Carina lifts her right foot from the water and rests her lower leg across her lap. She has to turn in the chair because it’s awkward but let’s Carina guide her movements. Carina wipes the foot dry with the towel, getting between each toe. Maya wiggles in her seat a little.

“That tickles.” She grips to the edges of the plastic folding chair.

Carina only hums, finishing her ministrations. “Other foot.”

Maya lifts her foot onto Carina’s lap. She watches as Carina rubs her foot dry.

“Get your socks.”

“I think I can put my own socks and boots on.” She gets a little nervous at the idea of Carina doing that too. Maya isn’t sure why. Maybe it has something to do with them being in a public space. Maybe it’s because it feels a little silly to have someone else put your socks and shoes on. She isn’t three. But at the same time, Maya doesn’t mind when Carina wants to do things like this. She enjoys when Carina does little things to pamper or take care of her. Maybe just not something like putting on her sweaty, smelly work boots.

Maya reaches for her socks and pulls them up onto her lap.

“Gimme.” Carina holds her hand out. Maya grimaces but hands her dirty, sweaty socks over to her wife. “Yeah, no. You need to put clean socks on. Let’s go, bambina.” She pushes Maya’s legs off of her lap and stands.

So Maya ends up following Carina to her locker to get clean socks. She carries her boots with her in one hand, her dirty socks in the other. Carina finds the socks and hands them to Maya and the blonde puts them on quickly before shoving her feet into her boots.

Carina tucks her fingers into the collar of Maya’s t-shirt and pulls her closer, pulls her into her body. She wraps her other arm around Maya’s back. “Ti amo, Maya.” She rests her forehead against Maya’s. Its sticky with sweat but Carina doesn’t care. She needs to feel close to Maya right now. She’s very aware that everyone is eating dinner and it affords them a moment to be like this. “Ti amo.” She sighs.

“Ti amo, too.”

Carina chuckles. Her hand comes up from the shirt collar and swipes back the loose hair from Maya’s ponytail away from her face. The blonde is sweaty and dirty and smells bad, but Carina couldn’t love her any more. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She presses her lips to Maya’s softly.

“Oh.” Maya furrows her brow. “I can walk you out.” She doesn’t want Carina to leave just yet. She wants her to stay for dinner. She wants her to stay after dinner. She wants a cuddle. But that can’t happen at the fire station anymore. Maya knows Carina wants to go home and unwind and she will let her, but she doesn’t want her to go.

Carina takes a step back and finds Maya’s hand. “We have to clean up the floor but okay.” She also needs to put her socks and shoes on yet.

They walk back through the beanery hand in hand and like before, get a few looks but no one says anything. Maya knows the crew, or at least someone, will ask her about it later, after Carina is gone. Most likely Vic.

“Buonanotte a tutti.” Carina calls out as they pass through the area. She gets a chorus of good nights in return.

The spilled water is cleaned up and then Carina lingers near the door.

Maya leans against the wall next to the door, a smirk on her lips. “I want you to stay.”

Carina sighs.

“But I know you can’t. I know you want to go home. I know you want to decompress from today. That teenage boy that was in here, that you treated- that was.” She sighs and hangs her head. Maya doesn’t want to have to say it.

“Maya.” Carina draws the name out. “It was so difficult. I felt-“ Carina brings her hand to her chest. “That was you, wasn’t it?”

Maya can only nod, her eyes still focused on the floor.

Carina reaches out, finding Maya’s hand and pulling her into a hug.

There is silence. Carina knows that Maya is trying to stay together. To be brave. To push past the feelings. She knows they are in Maya’s workplace so she’s not going to say anything about it but if they were at home, Carina would ask what Maya is feeling in this moment.

But they aren’t. “I will see you in the morning.”

Maya nods and takes a step back. “I love you.”

“I love you, bella. Have a good night.” Carina leans in for a quick kiss.

“Good night, Carina.” Maya whispers and then sighs.

The Italian turns, pushes the door open, turns back to her wife and blows Maya a kiss.

Maya takes a deep breath, holding it until Carina is gone before letting it go. She sighs and heads up the stairs to get something to eat for dinner.

Chapter 60

Notes:

Sixty chapters now. Wow. I don't think i've ever written anything this long. again wow. So this chapter doesn't really move the story along at all. It's 'added' scene after everyone plays in the 'sprinkler' on the fire engine. And it's mostly sexytime.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Maya can’t stop smiling. Her wife isn’t super mad at her anymore. They just got a brand new fire engine and pushed it into the barn. And they had a fun time playing in the ‘sprinkler’ with the public. What’s not to smile about? They are completely soaked from head to toe, but Maya doesn’t care.

Maya feels kind of like a little kid again. Before life started to get serious and bog her down. Before her running career started. Carefree. That excitement and happiness that you get when you get the thing you asked for on Christmas. Or when you see your friends for the first time after summer break. That pure joy. She hasn’t felt this happy in a long time. Sure, there have been days when she was in a fine mood or a happy mood. But since her demotion there haven’t been many truly happy moments. There were a few on their road trip but she thinks today eclipses those days.

Captain Beckett tries to get the public out of the station. But people hang around looking at stuff and asking questions. Joey shows his foster siblings all around the barn, with Ben’s permission, of course.

“Okay, folks, let’s go.” Beckett calls out. “Fun time is over. We actually have to do work here.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “Is he always like this?”

“Yeah, definitely.” Travis grumbles next to her. “I preferred your wife as captain. Even though she was a hardass most of the time. And never let us slack off. And-“

“I’m standing right here, Travis.” Maya chuckles.

“Oh, I know.” He bounces on the balls of his feet. “I’m going to get changed. Later, wives.” She claps Maya on the back as he walks behind her.

Maya turns and watches him leave. That is until there is a hand in hers, tugging her into the hallway, out of the barn, away from everybody. “Wha-?“

Carina pulls Maya behind her. “Do we get to go home now?” She says as she spins around to face Maya.

“Oh. Well, I have to change.” Maya looks down at her soaked clothes. “Not only was I hot, now I’m all wet too.”

Carina smirks. “I happen to like you hot and all wet.”

“I-I-“ Maya stutters. They could be eighty years old, and Maya thinks Carina will always find ways to make her speechless.

Carina giggles. “What is it, bella?”

“You have a way of stealing my words and my breath right from me.” Maya shakes her head in disbelief. It’s not the first time and she’s sure it won’t be the last.

“So?” Carina raises an eyebrow. She brings her other hand over so both her hands have a grip on Maya’s.

Maya takes a step forward, into Carina’s body. “What did you want to do?”

“I think you know.” Carina teases.

Maya takes another step, Carina taking a step back this time, her back presses into the wall. Maya steps into her so that she’s pressed up against Carina. “Is it this?” Maya reaches up and palms one of Carina’s breasts discreetly between them. The Italian moans in reply. “You know-“ Maya rubs her thumb over the nipple. “I’m all for this t-shirt that you are wearing.”

Carina swallows thickly. “Oh yeah. Why’s that?”

“I think you know why?” Maya smirks. “Very sassy. Not wearing a bra.” She squeezes. Carina’s head rolls back against the wall. “I wish in this moment that I were still captain. You know why?” Carina shakes her head. “Cuz then I could take you into the captain’s bunk and pull that incredibly tight, wet shirt off of you. Because as amazing is it looks on you, I know for a fact, that it will look even more amazing off of you.”

“Maya.” Carina moans, her hands finding Maya’s hips. “Go change so we can go home.” She presses her hips forward into Maya’s.

“You’ll have to wait.”

“Nooo. Why?” Carina whines.

“DeLuca-Bishop’s.” Ben nods as he passes them. He’s not sure how he always finds himself interrupting moments between them.

“Warren.” Maya acknowledges, taking a step back from Carina, putting some separation between their wet bodies.

“B-Ben.” Carina says with a nod.

He’d stop and chat some more, but he wants to change out of his wet uniform, and well, Maya has Carina pinned to the wall. He, wisely, keeps moving.

Maya turns her attention back to her wife and their conversation. “Because I want to take you out to breakfast first.” She wants to do something extra for Carina since she feels bad about the whole not discussing a baby thing. That wasn’t her intention, it was just that she had said her piece and assumed that enough was said. But she assumed and she was wrong.

“I’m all wet, Maya.”

Maya smirks. “Okay, so maybe we’ll order food and pick it up and bring it home with us.”

“I like that. I like that idea better.” Carina leans in for a kiss, but Maya takes that moment to pull away completely. “Such a tease.” The Italian groans.

Maya winks. “I’m going to change out of these wet clothes. You can think about that while I’m gone.”

Carina closes her eyes, she puts her palms on the wall before sliding down it, to sit on the floor.

“Whatcha doing on the floor?” Vic grins as she moves through the area.

“Just waiting for Maya.”

Vic tilts her head to the side. “On the floor, though?”

Carina smiles a little crooked smile. “Si.”

Vic laughs and throws her hands in the air before walking away.

Maya changes and makes her way back to Carina as quickly as possible. She feels light on her feet and light in her heart. She has Carina’s bag in her hand. The blonde didn’t know Carina had snuck in and put her bag in her locker, but she must have at some point, because it was there when she went to change.

“I think this is yours.”

Carina turns her head at the sound of Maya’s voice. The voice that drives her mad, the voice that can be sweet and melodic but is more often than not a little on the raspy side. Whether it’s from overuse, or haze and smoke in the air from a fire scene or just Maya’s sometimes gravelly morning voice. Carina doesn’t think she could get enough of it. Right now, the way it teases pulls another impossibly large smile to her lips. “Si, bambina. Si. Grazie mille.” She gets to her feet.

Instead of taking the bag from Maya, she takes Maya’s hand and leads them out of the building.

“Okay, I’ll hold onto this then.” Maya chuckles.

“And I’ll hold onto this.” She raises Maya’s hand between them and presses her lips to Maya’s knuckles.

The walk out to Carina’s car is quick and the only time they separate hands is to get in and then Carina is starting the car and reaching over for Maya’s hand again. “Where to, bella?”

“I think we can order online. And then drive.”

So, they order, and Carina drives them to get their breakfast before driving back to their apartment.

Maya carries the bag of food up and Carina unlocks the door. She lets Maya enter first and the blonde goes to the kitchen with the food first. Carina shuts the door and locks it before following Maya. “I’m hungry for something other than food.” The Italian whispers the words slowly hoping they will have there intended effect. She can see that they do when Maya turns around with a raised eyebrow.

“But I haven’t had any breakfast yet.” Maya pouts.

“Awww.” Carina moves across the room to her wife. She slips her arms around Maya’s waist, pulling their hips together.

She is reminded again that Carina isn’t wearing a bra, under her skin tighter maroon shirt, by shear proximity. There are two things fighting against each other for Maya. The hungry for actual food so she has the stamina and wherewithal for whatever might occur with Carina on this morning. And the need to be close to her wife. To touch her and feel her and have the warmth of their bodies mingle together.

“Can we at least eat the hot food?”

Carina nods, a compromise. “Food, sex, food.”

“You’re a genius.” Maya tries to pull Carina closer even though they are pressed together. “I love the way you think.” She adds.

The doctor rolls her eyes. “Can I feed you?” She doesn’t hide the hint of mischief in her voice.

“If you insist. But I will have you know that I am very capable of feeding myself.” Maya runs her hands over Carina’s ass cheeks before releasing her and taking a step back to get back to the food.

Waffles and scrambled eggs are what they eat. Though Maya isn’t a fan, they eat in the bedroom. In bed. Carina rips off pieces of waffle with her fingers and dips them in syrup before holding them out to Maya. The blonde might pretend like she doesn’t enjoy being fed but, deep down, she loves it. It doesn’t hurt to practically have Carina’s fingers in her mouth or to wrap her lips and tongue around them and lick and suck on them.

Those fingers run down her chin, over her throat, down to the hollow in her collarbone, pulling down on Maya’s shirt. “Take this off. Let me see you.”

The shirt comes off in a flurry and Maya goes in for a kiss, needing Carina’s lips on hers.

The Italian giggles into the kiss.

“What?”

“You taste like syrup.”

Maya bites her lip and goes in for another kiss. She reaches for the bottom of Carina’s shirt. It’s somewhat dry now but still sticks a little as she pulls it up. They break their kiss to remove the shirt the remainder of the way. Automatically, Maya’s eyes flicker down to Carina’s chest. “I love your boobs.”

There is a soft chuckle from Carina.

“I love all of you but right now I love your boobs the most.” Her hand flattens against Carina’s side before cupping underneath, her thumb stroking over the nipple.

Carina hums, delighted.

Blue eyes turn their attention to Carina’s face for a moment. The brunette has her eyes closed and her head tipped back in bliss. Maya leans in, ducking down, taking the other nipple in her mouth. Sucking over the bud before flattening out her tongue and licking.

“Maya.” Carina moans. She reaches up to rest her hand on the back of Maya’s head, holding her close.

There is a pause as Maya tips her head to the side and rests her ear over Carina’s heart, listening as it beats steadily, quickly. “I love you.” She whispers and moves her lips to press over Carina’s chest. She feels thankful and like she can’t tell Carina she loves her enough times.

“Fill me up, Maya.”

The request not one that Maya hasn’t heard before; but is a little surprising coming right now in response to her I love you.

Carina is the one to reach over to the nightstand. She fumbles around until she finds the harness.

Apparently, Carina isn’t wasting any time. Maya gets onto her knees and runs her hand over her own stomach in anticipation. The primal need that she feels is unmanageable. It takes over everything. Her hand finds the button on her jeans and she’s scrambling out of them quickly. By time she is finished removing her jeans, underwear, and socks there is a harness and dildo on the bed.

Carina helps her get ready. A bit of foreplay as Carina strokes over the attachment once it’s in place. Maya shudders as the end presses into her. “Lay down.” She whispers and instead of laying down, Carina shuffles closer, grabbing at Maya’s ass, pulling them flush together. She’s still in her pants but moans as the member presses into her.

Maya takes the opportunity to put her hands flat against Carina’s back, stroking up and down smooth skin. Her lips find Carina’s in a quick kiss. A bite before pulling away.

The anticipation in the room felt by both. A certain knowing blankets them. Carina backs away and lays on her back.

Her pants are removed. Carina isn’t sure if she does more of the work or Maya. But they are pulled off unceremoniously and then Maya is laying down between her legs. She moans as skin meets skin.

The blonde smirks. She loves Carina’s reactions. They are for her and no one else. Carina hands are everywhere, trying to find purchase, trying to pull her up, trying to get Maya to make a move. So, she does.

Slowly, she fills Carina up; watching as the brunette holds her breath until Maya comes to a stop. “Good?” Maya whispers and then presses her lips to Carina’s sternum leaving a wet trail of kisses there.

She lets out a long breath. “So good.” Carina hums after a minute. She clenches around the dildo and wishes that Maya could feel it. “So good.” She says again.

“Kiss me.” Maya looks into dark brown eyes and Carina doesn’t waste a second. She twines her fingers into Maya’s hair. The kiss languid, full of wetness, and plenty of tongue.

Carina lifts her knees and plants her feet to the bed, opening up her pelvis. She wants Maya to move but the blonde seems content with just laying flush against her. “Bambina.” She breaks their kiss. “Bella, I need you.”

Maya slips her hands underneath Carina’s shoulders, holding her. She starts slow. A little pull back before a slow push back in. Soft little rolls of hips. She used to be all about how fast she could get someone to cum or how fast she could but this, now, is the complete opposite. Maya wants to remain inside Carina for as long as she can. The vulnerability and security that comes with that resonates in Maya’s chest.

She kisses along Carina’s jaw, leaving no inch of skin untouched. The fingers in her hair scratch and twist. They keep her close. She finds Carina’s lips again. Slowly, working over them. Slowly, adorning them with little pecks and nibbles, a wet lick.

In time, her pace increases. Helped along by the panting in her ear as Carina’s breathing changes. Maya knows she is slick. But she isn’t sure if it’s her own slickness that is coating the insides of her thighs or Carina’s. Or the melding of two.

Minutes pass and Maya thinks she could do this forever. Except her lower back screams in protest that she physically can’t.

The steady rhythm becomes unsteady as Maya quickens the pace again. The thrusts a little more jagged than fluid.

Carina holds Maya’s head against the side of her own, Maya’s lips near her ear. Their bodies flush together. Nipples dragging over nipples. Everything feels like it’s on fire. Carina’s nerves completely sizzling. “Maya.” She moans between panted breath. She feels the blonde nod and throw all of her weight into her movements. Carina grunts with each of Maya’s thrust, each perfect stroke inside her.

“Maya.” It’s a whispered warning.

“Carina.” Maya groans into her ear, lips trying to capture the lobe but movement to jagged too really be able to.

“Cum inside me.” Carina moans.

The blonde’s back arches a little and she groans out one long grunt. “Fuuuuck.” She mumbles under her breath.

“Maya.” Carina moans her name as she cums, clamping down on Maya inside of her.

Both of them still for several seconds. Maya holding her breath before collapsing and letting out a shivered breath. “Holy shit.” She whispers.

Carina’s chest rises and falls heavily as she heaves for breath. It doesn’t help that her wife is laying on top of her. Little aftershocks ripple through Carina’s body, shaking her legs. She wraps those legs around Maya’s ass, hooking her ankles together, making sure that the blonde can’t move.

But when they do find the strength to move again a few minutes later; Maya slides out to another round of shuddered breathing and ripples running through both their bodies.

Maya gets on her hands and knees and looks down between them. She smirks. “What a mess?”

Carina laughs. Her hands find Maya’s arms, stroking over her tight biceps. The blonde finally looks up and finds the most beautiful brown eyes staring back at her with nothing but love and adoration. “I love you.”

“Ti amo, bambina.” Carina licks her lips before moving in to kiss Maya’s.

Maya rests her forehead against Carina’s and sighs. “Let me go get something. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

Carina has no idea where she would go. She puts her arm behind her head and smiles up at the ceiling as Maya disappears into the bathroom.

The strap and harness are removed and put in the bathroom sink to be dealt with later. Maya gets a washcloth and runs it under warm water, wetting it before wringing it out lightly and cleaning herself. She rinses the washcloth and wrings it out a few times before she moves back to the bedroom. Maya melts at the sight of the naked woman laying on the bed, her eyes closed, a smile on her face, her arm tucked behind her head.

“Hey, my love.” Maya gets Carina’s attention as she kneels on the bed. “Is it alright if I clean you up?” She shows Carina the washcloth.

All Carina can do is nod. So in love with the fact that Maya asked and that Maya wants to take care of her.

“Scoot over.” Maya taps at Carina’s kneecap. “We are going to have to change the sheets.” She wants Carina to move out of the wet spot on the bed.

“Then what are we going to do?” Carina scoots over, feeling cuddly now.

“Finish breakfast.” Maya wiggles her eyebrows.

Carina chuckles. “Okay, bambina.”

The washcloth is cool as it touches Carina’s skin. “Sorry.” Maya whispers when Carina jumps a little. She wipes between her legs, folding the washcloth and wiping against Carina’s thighs. The brunette pushes herself up onto her elbows and watches Maya’s careful strokes. Maya runs the washcloth over Carina’s hair and pubic bone. “This reminds me of the time we got the body paint.” Maya whispers as she cleans gorgeous tan body parts.

Carina hums. “You know what my favorite part about sex used to be?”

“Used to be? Am I doing it wrong?” Maya fills with great concern. Does Carina think sex is not good anymore? She did threaten to stop having it.

Carina walks her fingers up Maya’s forearm. “No, bambina. You are perfect. Come here.” She opens her arm. “Grazie, for cleaning me up. You are very sweet.”

Maya scoots over and rests her face against Carina’s chest. She slips her arm across Carina’s waist and Carina wraps her arm around Maya and presses a kiss to the top of her head. “Used to be. Guess.”

“I don’t know. Is this like with other people or me or-“ The blonde worries.

The Italian sighs. “Guess.”

“I don’t know, Carina.” Maya whines. She tries to lift her head to look at Carina’s face, but a hand comes down and squishes her cheek back to Carina’s chest.

“My favorite part was the first few months with someone. Someone new. When you were learning all the things they liked and didn’t like. All the ways to make them orgasm. How quick you could be or how slow you could go. I liked that. I liked that stage with every new time. That was my favorite thing.”

Maya wrinkles her face up. They are far past that stage. “So, is it boring for you now? Is that one of the reasons you didn’t want to get married? You’ll never have that again.”

Carina takes a deep breath. Maya certainly doesn’t have the greatest way with words sometimes but what she is saying still gets Carina to breathe a little deeper, her heart to beat a little faster. “Just because someone is married doesn’t mean that would never happen again. People cheat or get divorced.” Maya tries to lift her head to look at Carina again, filling with alarm, but Carina holds her head down with a little chuckle. “Amore mio, I’m not going to cheat on you or divorce you. Please don’t panic. My bigger point is-“ She licks her lips, trying to think of the best way to phrase this. She knows how she would say it in Italian, but she wants to get the conversion to English just right. “That used to be my favorite thing. My favorite thing has changed now. That was always fun and exciting but what we have is so much better. I love how predictable it is. Not predictable but- you know. I know what to expect. There’s no surprises but there’s a certain comfort in knowing what to expect. There’s a practiced rhythm and ease.”

Her wife’s explanation eases her worries. “Sometimes there’s surprises. Like that time I fell over putting the strap on and we laugh about it for ten minutes before we could move on.”

Carina laughs. She strokes her fingernails against Maya’s scalp. “There are sometimes surprises. But you know what I mean, right? There’s a security and comfort in our sex life now. Not to say it’s boring or unexciting. It’s always exciting, if you know what I mean. I’m always excited or can get in the mood. There’s no-.”

Maya chuckles. She rubs her thumb back and forth over Carina’s ribs. “I know the feeling. The familiarity is a comfort for me as well. There’s nothing better than getting to see the same body every day and watch it change over time. The beautiful simplicity in that sometimes astounds me. You are amazing. Inside and out. And I am amazed to see that every day. There’s a thing with, like, craving the same thing. That’s very much a thing for me now. I crave your body and your touch. In some ways, I think it’s like a solution.”

“A solution?”

“Healing or therapeutic. I know that sounds ridiculous. But even just a hug from you some days feels so good and can lift my spirits if I’m in a bad mood.” Maya tries to explain her feelings.

“Bambina.” Carina turns her head to the side away from Maya.

“Are we boring married people now?” Maya tries a little joke to help with Carina’s little shy moment. “But seriously, you are the most gorgeous human being on the planet. In the universe.”

Carina smiles and pulls Maya’s hand up to her lips, kissing over of her fingers, her wedding ring. “You are absolutely stunning and sexy, bella.”

“What do you want to do today?”

Carina laughs. “How much sleep did you get last night?”

“Some.” Maya shrugs her left shoulder.

Carina tangles their fingers together. “Well, we had sex. And we need to finish eating. It’s still hot outside. I vote staying inside and resting, napping. Maybe more sex. Maybe more food. We could cook dinner together.”

“Isn’t it too hot to cook?”

“You’re probably right, bambina. We will starve to death the rest of the day.” Carina jokes.

Maya rubs her cheek against Carina’s chest. “You’re being dramatic.”

“On purpose.”

“I know.” Maya grins, tips her head, and presses her lips to Carina’s sternum. “I love your dramatic ass.”

“What if we went to the beach?”

Maya hums. She knows Carina loves the beach. “We will go to the beach. After some sleep, more sex, and probably a shower. Oh and changing the sheets.”

“Sounds perfect.” Carina holds Maya tightly as they lay together.

Notes:

I just want to say thanks to each and every person who has read this story. I'm trying to decide what to do with it. If i want to continue or end it. Or a third option. I had thought for a long time about just ending it after the christmas episode becuase i don't think i can rationalize or explain away the things they had Carina saying (and doing) in 5B. or maya for that matter (She just went along with everything carina said). But the problem is i really want to write about season 6 maya and carina. A third option would be to just jump from Christmas to like preseason 6 (there's time jump in there anyway). I want to know all your thoughts. Thanks.

Chapter 61

Notes:

Hello all. First and Foremost thanks for reading and all comments and kudos. Second, I took a break from this story for a little bit. I felt like I needed to wrap my head around where I wanted to go and what to include. I want to thank everyone for their input. The general consensus is to skip 5B. So I’ve decided what I’m going to do is go up to the Christmas episode and mostly skip all the sperm talk but still touching on important conversations that Maya and Carina had or should have had regarding having a baby but I can’t write about sperm or Jack for the nine or so episodes that they dragged that on for (what a waste of time they could’ve done all of that in an episode or two) and I will probably also touch on some of the other things that happened at the station with maya and her job during 5B and then pick but up at the end of the season. Possibly right during or after the first attempt to get pregnant.
This chapter covers episode 5.4 and I didn’t add a lot to that (Carina isn’t even in the episode) but 5.5 has a lot added to it so this is part of 5.5 events and the immediate aftermath. The next chapter will be more on the events in 5.5 aka Dean’s death.

Chapter Text

Maya heads off to work a few days later with a kiss, and an I love you, and a I believe in you from Carina. Her days off were good. More than good. She feels at peace with where she and Carina are. There are still things to think about as far as possibly having children, but Maya doesn’t feel frantic or pressure about them like she once did. Carina saying that she was okay with a maybe or a some day really helped in eliminating that pressure. There’s no performance that Maya has to put on. She doesn’t have to act in a certain way. And it’s a relief. Plus, she doesn’t want to have to feel like she needs to act a certain way around her wife. That’s not right. They should be their authentic selves.

So much of her running career was about her performance and that pressure to perform. In some ways, so is her fire fighting career. There are certain marks she has to meet. Obligations she has to fulfill. As captain, she was expected to represent her team in a certain way, a professional manner. One of excellent and expectedness.

In a way, now that she’s not captain, that has been removed. All eyes aren’t on her. The pressure to perform is lessened. That doesn’t mean that Maya is slacking off in any way. No, she’ll always try her best and do her best, but now it feels less critical.

Today is Crisis One training and Dr. Diane Lewis will be joining them. Overall, Maya thinks the program is a great idea. The problems she sees are in the logistics of it all. Is the department going to put forth money to properly fund the program? To provide the necessary training? The extra man power? The counseling and administrative paperwork? The extra fill ins for the spots that are left open on shift for the Crisis one team? In theory, it’s a great program and Maya would like to see it succeed. If she were still captain, she would put as much support behind it as she could. But she’s not sure if it will. She can see how it could wear the department thin.

She not thrilled about being assigned to work with Sullivan today, so when she sees him in the locker room after a morning run on the treadmill and a shower, she can’t hold her tongue.

“They say your not supposed to read your own press.” She’s thinks the whole Fire Zaddy thing is ridiculous and doesn’t want any part of it today.

“I’m not. This is from my divorce lawyer.”

“I’ve been dragging into the middle of that already. I don’t want to get into it.” She doesn’t want to hear about that either. She’s already had Andy come to her and beg Maya to be on her side in the divorce and to negate whatever Sullivan says about her at work. Maya told Andy that she wouldn’t be involved.

“I’m not the one who dragged you.” Sullivan scoffs.

Maya thinks he just doesn’t know when to shut up. She turns around and smiles fakely at him. “I didn’t say you were.”

She’s thankful for the interruption from Dean letting them now that station 23 is there for Crisis One training. Maya hurries to get dressed and downstairs.

The blonde sits and watches as Diane has them play out certain scenarios. Maya grimaces when Andy and Sullivan are called up to do a role play together. It gets nasty before the klaxon sounds. Maya tells Sullivan to get his dumb ass moving.

They arrive at the address and knock on the door. A woman comes around the side of the house and leads them to the back side. Her husband is hanging out of the doggy door. Maya would think it’s comical, but her training has taught her not to laugh at any situation. The man is stuck and could be injured. The couple are squabbling, and Maya has seen that time and time again. She tries to ignore what they are saying and focus on her work.

She accesses the patient and sees that he is bleeding and asks him about it, but he doesn’t remember cutting himself; so, it’s not really useful information for Maya.

Sullivan gets to the other side of the door, inside. He cuts the flap off and tells Maya to get started on her side. The patient, Tony, had tingling in his arm when he first woke up, but can’t feel anything now because his circulation is cut off, so it’s imperative that they get him out as soon as possible.

The couple argue and bicker about how Tony ended up in the doggy door, about how the dog has been dead for five years, and he won’t let his wife get a new one.

Maya gets the doggy door off, but the frame is just decorative, so he’s still not free. She and Sullivan try to move Tony around and reposition him, but he’s still stuck. It is decided that they’ll have to cut the door. They, the fire department, never want to do damage to a house or building if they don’t have to, but in this case, they have to.

The wife asks Tony if he’s going to pay for a new door and another round of bickering takes place. She, Patricia, is glad they don’t have kids and she voices this loudly. She tells Maya that when she and Tony got married, they agreed they didn’t want kids. But then she changed her mind and didn’t tell him until it was too late because he is a drunk and not good father material. He argues that if she had told him that he could have turned it around and quit drinking. He explains that when she did tell him last year that she wanted kids, it was because she had cancer and had her reproductive organs removed. It was too late.

Maya doesn’t want to hear it. She’s not Patricia or Tony. The reason she doesn’t want kids isn’t because Carina is a drunk or wouldn’t make a great mother. She knows Carina would. She hates that this ornery couple even reminds her a smidgen of her situation with Carina. It’s like an added pressure again. She finally gets him loose and is grateful because now she doesn’t have to listen to their melodrama anymore.

Once they have Tony free, the blood on his shirt is from a cut on his chest from a bottle opener. Maya calls for an aid car while Patricia panics.

She can’t stop thinking about the couple on the way back to the station. Maya asks Sullivan if he thinks Carina will hate her like that if she never wants to have kids. Sullivan laughs and then explains that while she was thinking about her marriage, he was thinking about his. Maya says Andy's her best friend, but she knows no one outside a marriage can know what's going on inside it. She just wants Andy to be able to be happy again after two years of twisting herself up over Sullivan.

When they get back to the station, Maya changing into her gym clothes and heads to the gym for a workout. She’s got some thinking to do, but before that, she needs to try to work out the negative energy she picked up from that couple on the call. Otherwise, it will affect her thinking.


When Maya gets home in the morning, she finds Carina is still in bed. That’s her favorite. When Carina isn’t awake yet, or out of bed yet, and she can get in bed and love on her wife in the warm cocoon that is their sanctuary.

She cracks the bedroom door opens slowly, trying to not make any noise. She knows Carina is off today and the odds that she is still in bed and asleep are high. It’s become one of Maya’s favorite things; to come home to her still sleeping wife and get in bed with her.

Maya kicks her shoes off at the foot of the bed. Her eyes take in the beauty of the moment. Carina slumbering, looking as radiant and peaceful as possible. She climbs into bed and presses kisses to Carina’s temple and then cheek. Carina is usually a pretty sound sleeper, so Maya isn’t surprised that the brunette doesn’t wake up. She sets her hand on Carina’s shoulder. “Carina, my love.” She whispers and gives a little squeeze.

“Maya.” It’s but a whisper.

“I’m home.” Maya presses another kiss to Carina’s cheek.

“Buongiorno, bella.” She grins, reaching out to touch Maya anywhere she can. It’s one of her favorite ways to start the day. Unlike the majority of wives, she doesn’t get to sleep next to Maya every night. That’s the life of a firefighter wife and Carina has gotten used to it over the time they’ve been together. So, when Maya comes home in the morning and Carina is still in bed and she still gets to wake up to Maya, it’s not taken for granted.

“Buongiorno.” Maya smiles.

“How was your shift?” Carina asks sleepily.

“Good.” Her shift wasn’t bad but the use of the word good might not be right. She rubs her nose against Carina’s shoulder. “How was your day yesterday and your night?” She cuddles up against Carina’s back, snaking an arm over her waist. They text about big things that might happen in the day or something important, but now is the time that they usually reveal the smaller details of their days.

Carina hums and finds Maya’s hand, pulling it up to clutch against her chest. She loves cuddly Maya. She doesn’t always get cuddly Maya, but it seems like cuddly Maya is here today. “Alright. Work was busy but not crazy. Delivered two bambinos. Pretty regular. I missed you last night.”

Maya hums. She misses Carina too when she has to sleep in her tiny bunk at the station and there isn’t the presence of a warm, sexy Italian sleeping next to her. “I missed you too.” She squeezes Carina.

“What do you want to do today?” Carina asks. She knows Maya already likely has some sort of plan.

“Can we just-“ She feels a bit self-conscious of the idea.

“Dimmelo, per favore.” The Italian whispers the words sweetly, hoping to coax Maya into divulging the information.

“I want- Voglio- can we just like lay here for a while?”

“You want to cuddle?” Carina leans back, rolling into Maya.

“No. I didn’t say that.” The blonde pouts.

Carina giggles. “You didn’t have to, bella.” She rolls all the way over and meets Maya for a soft kiss. “Hmmm. Good morning.” She reaches up and strokes her finger down Maya’s cheek before tapping at her chin.

“Morning.” Maya mumbles, pretending to be grumpy about Carina calling her out on the cuddling.

“No pouty lips.” A finger rubs across Maya’s lips. “Only happy, smiley lips.” Carina grins.

She’s suspicious of Carina’s happiness in this moment. That grin means something. It’s not quite evil genius but maybe genius. “Why?”

“Did you want to go out for our anniversary? To dinner.”

Maya knits her brow together, thinking about it. Their first anniversary is coming up. “That went by fast.”

Carina laughs. “It did.” She rubs her palm over Maya’s chest. “What do you think?” Dinner?”

“Sure.”

“Perfetto.” Carina smirks and leans in for another kiss. Lazy and slow. Also, perfect. There is no intention other than to kiss Maya, to delight in the presence of Maya, to spend time enjoying each other and laying together.

The blonde’s fingers lace through Carina’s hair, scratching lightly at her scalp as they kiss. The exact morning that Maya wants.


Carina walks into the doorway, all prepared to go out to meet Jack. She just has one thing she has to tell Maya before she leaves.

“You’re off shift Friday, yes? I made the reservation at the Burmese restaurant with the…”

And Maya is in front of in a split second, opening her robe and flashing her.

They go back and forth, and Carina ends with saying that she only has ten minutes.

The robe is discarded on the floor and Carina is leaving a trail of wait kisses down Maya’s body. The spanking might have to wait for another time. She’s really got to get going, but Maya clearly has an itch that needs to be scratched. Carina wishes she had more time, but she’s a woman of her word and she’s got places to be this morning. Well, the same place that Maya has to be, just earlier. She was up and out of bed before Maya. Showered and dressed and eating something before she heard Maya stirring.

But now, there is a wanton and naked body beneath her that needs attending to. She sucks a nipple into her mouth and Maya curls around her. A leg comes up and hooks around her hip. Carina gives a little attention to the other nipple by pinching it between her finger and thumb. Maya’s hips buck up off the bed, she arches against Carina, her hands grip at the bedspread.

“Carina.” Maya moans out in displeasure. Displeasure that Carina is torturing her nipples.

Carina lifts her head and looks up at Maya. “If you’re going to get this, I’m going to play a little.”

Maya’s eyes roll back in their sockets. “Can you at least kiss me?”

The Italian grins at the request. She adores when Maya asks for things in bed. “Si, bambina.” She finds Maya’s lips with her own. “Better?” She hums against Maya’s lips.

She grabs the back of Carina’s head and pulls her down into a fierce kiss. All tongue. Maya needs more than a sweet kiss from her wife.

If Carina isn’t careful, she going to miss her meeting. So, she untangles herself from Maya’s face. “Bella.” She whispers, breathless.

Maya hums, delighted.

“I’m going to taste you.”

All Maya can do is nod her head. She twitches with anticipation as kisses are pressed to her sternum, her belly, her hips, and then thighs.

Carina spreads Maya’s legs, getting a good look at the glistening moisture before diving in and getting the taste that she said she was going to get.

They both moan on first contact. Carina laps at Maya with her tongue like a dog drinking water from its dish. Thirsty and sloppy.

In an uncharacteristic move, Maya sits up. Which makes the angle more difficult. Carina looks up and Maya is bent over, her hands coming in to find Carina’s face and pulling her into another kiss.

“I wanted a taste too.”

Carina moans. “Cazzo, Maya.” She licks her lips. They stare at each other for a moment before Maya nods and leans back. Her elbows dig into the mattress and hold her shoulders and head up off of the bed. A better angle to watch Carina suck her off.

She nods for Carina to go on. The doctor licks her lips and slinks back down to find warm wet goodness.

Maya raises her knees, planting her feet on the bed, opening herself up to Carina more. Her toes curl as Carina works her closer and closer to orgasm.

Carina reaches up, palming a breast, getting Maya to tip her head back and close her eyes. She hums against Maya and her wife arches, her hips jumping off the bed. She sucks on Maya, getting her to come undone with a long moan of pleasure.

Maya collapses onto the bed. Totally spent. Her muscles tense and release. That loose, gooey feeling takes over. Everything feels warm and good and blissful. “The best.” She mumbles between deep breaths.

Carina chuckles. She finds a spot at Maya’s side, not wanting to lay on top of her because she’s dressed for the day. “Grazie mille, bella.” She teases. Her fingers swipe the hair away from Maya’s forehead. “Ti amo.”

Maya hums. “Ti amo.” She tips her head to the side and eyes Carina. “Hi.” She grins.

Carina leans in and presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek and then her lips. She cups the side of Maya’s face and holds there for a little bit, breathing in Maya and sharing in her bliss.

“You’re the best.” The blonde whispers.

“I’m glad you think so.” Carina chuckles lightly.

“You give me the best sex.” She smiles dopily.

“Okay.” Carina laughs and gets out of bed. “I have to go. And you have to shower, Mrs. DeLuca-Bishop.” She points at the mess between Maya’s legs. “And get your butt to work. I’ll see you there.”

Maya is still a little annoyed about the DeLuca-Bishop thing, but if that’s what Carina wants, she thinks she can be fine with it. It’s just a name. And after everything that Lane put her through, she thinks maybe it’s better that Carina’s name is first. “I love you. I’ll see you there.”

Carina gathers her bag, winks at Maya, and hurries out of the room. She’s late and she doesn’t want to be any later, so she doesn’t have to explain why she’s late to Jack. He doesn’t get to know that.

She gets to the station and hurries inside and upstairs to the beanery. Jack and Ben are already there. She’s set her belongings down and gets to business.

“Ben, are you helping us with the clinic?” She assumes that’s why he’s here. Jack had mentioned running the idea by Ben since he was a doctor too.

“Clinic?” Ben knows nothing of what Carina is talking.

“Uh, I didn’t tell him yet.” Jack is thrown off guard. “I was working up to it.” He tries to explain.

She could just roll her eyes at Jack. Carina needs coffee, though. She moves behind Ben to get a mug. “You’re a grown up man, work to it faster. No?” She snaps her fingers at him.

She pours herself some coffee as Jack speaks to Ben about some ideas he has.

“And more.” She rolls her hand. Carina finally gets a drink of coffee. “Uck, this is burnt.” She dumps the coffee down the sink drain and starts on a new pot while she and Jack explain what their clinic idea could be and become.

Travis asked Maya to work out with him and Vic this morning. Mostly because he wanted to complain and needed people to bounce his complaints off of.

But Maya isn’t paying attention to him. She’s off in her own little world, thinking about earlier this morning. About the way Carina had used her tongue. About the things she had said. About how she touched her. “My wife is mind blowing in bed.”

“What?” Vic and Travis turn to Maya and stop what they are doing.

“Did I say that out loud?” She looks between the pair. Oops. “I thought I just thought it.” She nods. She reminds herself to be more present and not space out thinking about sex with her wife. She focuses back on her workout. “I’m sorry.” She shakes her head, trying to shake it away. Maya isn’t embarrassed but she shouldn’t have said that. Just a little slip, that’s all.

An explosion shakes the station. They all look around at each other asking if they felt the same thing, asking if it’s real. The call comes in and everyone except for Carina scurries. It reminds her a little of rats scurrying when something falls to the floor. Ben hands her an orange as he runs away.

“Why do I even come here? Why?” She questions to no one. Carina knows why she comes here though. It’s a place of togetherness, even when they aren’t all together. It’s the place where her wife works, and she is welcome. Other than the hospital, the fire station is a safe, welcoming place for her. Plus, she gets to see more of Maya. Even if it’s only seeing her and not really being her wife while she’s working. Just being in the same place, in her presence, brings Carina fortitude.

Maya and Vic are spraying down the house when the water flow abruptly stops. Maya knows it’s due to the explosion taking out the water main. Beckett says the next block over is on a different main and before he can finishes his thought, let alone his sentence, Maya is headed down the street with a hose, already one step ahead of the captain.

At triage, Travis has a critical patient. A pregnant woman. He needs an aid car for her and fast, but Beckett says none are coming. The woman is worried she’s going to lose her baby. Travis looks around before suggesting that maybe Carina can get here as the station isn’t too far away. Ben agrees and says it’s a good idea.

The gas line is still leaking which continues to put the whole bock in danger. They can't wait for the emergency response team. Sullivan thinks he can shut the valve off himself. Beckett says the valve is in an extremely hot area, too hot. Maya says a hose line in a spray formation is enough protection. She can hold it. Maya and Sullivan finally convince Beckett that they can do it and be safe and get the gas leak shut off.

Maya has the hose line set up and gives orders to make sure their streams are forming a solid shield. They step forward slowly. When they get to the valve, Sullivan starts trying to turn it, but it's stuck. Maya hands her hose off to Jack and steps up to help him. Together, they're able to get it. Once that's done, they back out the same way they came in.

Carina is busy working out in the gym when Emmett comes in asking if the crew is around. She tells him they are out on a call. They share with each other about being scared about their significant other’s jobs. Carina says she’s a little scared, all the time. But Emmett says he tries not to worry because they are good at their jobs, and he knows they are as safe as they can be, and they love their work. Carina tends to agree with everything that Emmett is saying. She’s not terrified that Maya is going to get hurt or go into a situation that she can’t get out of. Maya is a professional and very good at her job and Carina takes solace in that. But it doesn’t dissuade the helpless, scared feeling she gets when she knows they are on a big call, like now. She’s scared of accidents and unpredictableness, the things that can’t be controlled.

She gets a text on her phone and reads it before mentioning out loud to Emmett about the pregnant women at the scene and heads out of the gym right away. Emmett going with her.

Travis is worried about Vic. Her condition is stable, but he still wants to get her to the hospital as fast as possible. She’s been electrocuted and he knows she needs to be looked at by professionals. It doesn’t help that as her best friend, Travis is freaking out a little.

Ben is keeping an eye on Aaliyah, the pregnant women when Carina arrives, and he breathes a sigh of relief. Carina steps in and takes over Aaliyah's care. She listens to Emmett, Travis and Vic in the background talking about love. She hears Emmett, and Travis, confess their love for each other which is sweet, but she stays focused on her patient. She’s hardly looked at the scene but saw the devastation of an explosion.

When Chief McCallister arrives, Maya starts to give him an update on the situation, but he interrupts her. He doesn’t want to hear from Maya. He wants to hear from the captain, and she’s not it. They have to finish evacuation of the nearby houses. She is assigned with Sullivan and Jack to do the odd numbered addresses while Beckett takes Miller to do the even numbered houses. Captain Aquino from station 23 joins them as they continue down the block.

Carina is finishing her evaluation of the patient when a blast rocks the entire area. She leans forward and shield the woman with her own body. She looks around after the shaking stops. Everyone is quiet as they look around at each other in the triage area to try to figure what just happened.

But then there’s shouting in the distance. And more shouting. And then there are firefighters running around everywhere, rushing to help the injured. Carina stands up to get a better look at the situation. It’s total chaos and it elevates Carina’s heartrate. That little bit of fear that she told Emmett about earlier is tenfold now. She has no idea where Maya is. Carina looks down at the patient at her feet. The woman seems to be doing alright all things considered and she tries to refocus on that.

Beckett gets up and tells them to check on Aquino, who has serious burns to his face and has been impaled through his abdomen by shrapnel. He tries to pull it out, but Andy stops him. Jack runs around the house, where he finds Dean unresponsive. Travis and Maya help treat Aquino while Jack starts CPR on Dean.

There is shouting again. Aaliyah asks what’s happening and Carina stands as they wheel a gurney to the ambulance and load what looks like Dean inside, followed quickly by Aquino into another. She sees Maya then and breathes a sigh of relief. She wasn’t sure where her blonde was or if she was injured or what was happening. It’s a huge relief to see Maya is safe.

When the aid cars leave, everyone stands around for a moment or two. Sullivan, Montgomery, and Bishop seem a little aimless.

“Maya.” Carina calls out.

Maya turns to the sound of her wife’s voice. She wonders what on earth Carina is doing here but then she sees the triage area and knows. She narrows her eyes though, licking her lips.

Beckett calls out, followed by Chief McCallister and Maya is spinning back around again. She’s got work to do. They have to clear the area and make sure no one else is injured anywhere.

Carina frowns that Maya didn’t really acknowledge her but gets back to her own work. Finally, after about ten more minutes an aid car comes to take her patient to Seattle Presbyterian. She snaps her gloves off and sighs heavily. There was plenty of commotion for one day, but Carina thinks on the fact that she was at the same scene with her wife. As crazy as it is, Carina never really imagined this would happen. She can see the crews wrapping up and packing up their fire trucks again. She doesn’t want to get in the way and knows that McCallister is here, so she stays out of the way, but wants to say something to Maya. She wants to ask how she is, see if she is okay. And it kills Carina that she can’t.

The only thing she can do is help. Once she’s done packing up at the scene, she goes to the hospital herself. One of their crew, from their station, was injured. Carina can find out about Dean’s condition and see how he is doing. That’s how she can help. So, she heads off in that direction.

The remaining members from 19 ride back to their station in silence. What they saw today is going to be a hard pill to swallow and all of their thoughts are with Dean right now. It’s not a time to say anything and Maya, Travis, and Sullivan know that. All of their thoughts are with the firefighters that were injured today, but mostly with Dean. They know Vic will be okay, but Dean was in bad shape when they got him into the ambulance.

When Carina gets to the hospital the only person she sees is Jack. He has his elbows on his knees, leaning forward in his chair with his head down.

“Jack.”

The man looks up. His face is paler than Carina has ever seen it.

She fears the answer before she even asks the question. “How is Dean?”

Jack puts his head back down, shaking it.

Her heart sinks. The wind is knocked out of her. She takes a few steps and leans against a wall, trying to physically stay standing. It takes her a minute or two to regain a normal breathing pattern, for her body to function somewhat normally again. Her heart still beats faster than it should.

She doesn’t know how it is that station 19 keeps losing firefighters. The percentage that they lose has to be astronomically high compared to other stations. She wonders briefly why that is before moving and sitting in the chair next to Jack. She sets a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “Where’s Ben?”

“With Dr. Bailey somewhere. I don’t know.” His words quiet and mumbled.

“Do you need anything?”

“No. I’m just waiting for Ben so we can head back.” Jack looks up and gives Carina a grimace of a smile. “But thank you.”

Carina gives the man a tight lipped smile. “You are welcome.” She gets to her feet. “I’m gonna go.” She doesn’t know who tells who. In a regular situation, the hospital contacts next of kin. But Jack and Ben, and Miranda, and now Carina, know of Dean’s death. She’s not sure who should be telling the rest of the fire house. “I’m gonna go back to the station.”

Jack nods.

When he doesn’t say anything, Carina takes her leave.

The trip to the station isn’t long but it’s filled with anxiety. Carina hurries in the door. She looks around. Beckett is sitting behind his desk. She could run in there and blame him for this, but she doesn’t know if it’s Beckett’s fault. From what she’s heard about him he seems inadequate at the least, inept at the most. But her focus lies elsewhere though. She passes the captain’s office and marches up the stairs. It’s not lost on her that there is no one manning the reception desk.

Her eyes scan the area as she gets upstairs but there’s no one in sight. It’s eerily quiet. Something that she’s never experienced in this building before.

She finds Travis in the lounge. The tv is on but there’s no sound. Travis isn’t watching the tv either.

“Hey, Travis.” Carina whispers, trying not to startle him.

He looks up from his phone. “Oh, hey.” He tries to smile but it’s mostly a grimace. She feels for him. His best friend is in the hospital and he’s here. And it’s as if Travis can read her mind.

“Beckett called in replacements for us. For the rest of shift. If we want.” He looks back down at his phone as if it’s going to magically give him the answers that he needs.

Carina knows that it will be mandatory when word of Dean’s death makes it to the station. “Okay, good. That’s good.”

“Have you heard anything?” He asks Carina.

“No.” She whispers. It’s a lie but she doesn’t know if she can tell Travis that Dean is dead. “Do you know where Maya is?”

Travis hums, like he really needs to think hard about the question. “Sullivan went to the gym. I would say there but-“ They all scattered to different corners of the building when they got back. “Maybe organizing or cleaning something.”

“Thanks.” Carina steps back into the beanery and looks around before moving through to the locker room, the showers, the bunk room. Maya isn’t in any of those places. “The trucks.” She whispers to herself before hurrying back downstairs. She enters the barn and there she finds Maya.

The blonde doesn’t even look up. She’s on the knees on the floor, scrubbing furiously at the chrome of the wheel hub.

“Bambina.”

It’s quiet but Maya heard the word and freezes. She gets to her feet. “You can’t be here.” She balls her hands into fists.

Carina furrows her brows. “Why not?” It’s certainly not what she thought Maya might say to her. It’s no where near what she thought.

“Because- you just can’t.”

“Bella.” She sighs and steps closer to Maya. “Why not?”

“You shouldn’t have been there today.” Maya says angrily.

Carina furrows her brow. “Ben text me. I was helping. I saved a pregnant lady’s life.”

Maya knows that Carina did, and she doesn’t want to discredit that. “But you saw things. Things that I didn’t want you to see.”

Carina breathes out a slow breath. That’s what Maya is worried about right now. She would think it silly if what she had seen hadn’t been so traumatic. “I did.” She takes her fear and Maya’s fear head on. “And it was scary. I’m not gonna lie. But Maya-“ She reaches for Mayas hand, pulling the rag from it and throwing it back it the bucket near the firefighter’s feet. “Maya, I love you.”

Maya wrinkles up her brow in confusion at that. “I love you too.” She whispers automatically. Something within her shifting slightly.

“When your replacement shows up you should come home.”

Maya wonders how Carina knows about that, but clearly someone told her.

“You’ll need to come home.” Carinas words wobble a little. She eyes flicker between Maya’s.

The look on Carina’s face isn’t a good one, Maya recognizes that. Coupled with the brunette’s words. “W-why?” Maya is almost scared to ask.

“I don’t know if I should tell you this-“ She looks down at their shoes.

“Carina. What do you know?” She can feel the panic rising in her chest.

“Dean, he didn’t-“ She shakes her head.

Maya pulls her hand away from Carina’s and reaches down to get her bucket and rag and moves to shine another wheel hub.

“Maya, come back here.” Carina pleads.

“You probably shouldn’t have told me that.” She knows Beckett is the one who is responsible to tell them. She thinks he’s a coward though and probably won’t and she would have heard it from someone else but from Carina. She can’t have Carina involved in theses things.

Carina hangs her head. She’s so unsure of what to do. This isn’t like when Vasquez died, or Pruitt died. Carina didn’t know them. She knows Dean. He was a kind man. He helped with their wedding. He has a little girl. It affects Carina this time too. She moves in Maya’s direction. She puts a hand on her shoulder.

Maya tries to shrug it off. “I’m trying to work.”

“You shouldn’t be. As soon as there is a crew here, you won’t be anymore. All of you.”

Maya gets to her feet, angry that Carina is telling her what to do right now, how to do her job. “Like you know anything about it.” She growls.

Carina doesn’t flinch. “I know you are trying to keep yourself busy. Your hands and arms and legs and mind. So, you don’t have to think about it.”

“So what?” Maya mumbles and turns around.

Carina takes Maya by the shoulders and moves to stand in front of the blonde again. Maya turns her head to the side as Carina tries to look into her eyes, tries to connect with her.

“Vieni qua.” She pulls Maya into a hug. The firefighter resists at first, pushing away from Carina’s body. But Carina pulls her in again and Maya crumbles with her wife’s protective arms around her.

She pulls Maya face to her shoulder and the blonde cries and screams and stomps her feet. Almost like she’s throwing a little temper tantrum.

Carina cries too. Silent tears. Next to the fire truck where she screamed about Andrea, she holds Maya as she falls apart. Just the two of them in that moment for right now. Both in their own fears and anguish. Both having to come to the realization that Dean won’t be coming back to this station or going out on a call on the fire engine that is right next to them. The initial flood of sickness. That shaky, sick to your stomach feeling when something terrible has happened and you feel like nothing makes sense and you are just stunned. That’s how Carina feels. She’s not sure what Maya feels but she doesn’t think it’s all too different.

The barn door opens up after a few minutes. The aid car with Ben and Jack is back.

“Let’s go change.” Carina suggests and leads Maya out of the barn before the guys can park the rig and disembark and bother them. She also knows Jack and Ben are and have been grieving.

Maya was changing in the locker room and Carina has stepped into the bathroom to wash her face.

The blonde doesn’t have much in her mind other than how Dean is gone, and how he leaves behind this little daughter. It makes Maya shake. If she and Carina have kids, that could be her one day. It could be her own daughter that she leaves behind. She closes her eyes and leans against her locker.

Carina comes back and sees Maya like that. “Everything okay?” It’s a silly question because obviously it’s not okay.

Maya nods and holds her arm out.

The doctor steps closer until she’s standing at Maya’s side and the blonde is wrapping that arm around her. Carina wraps her arms around Maya, holding her close. She rocks them back and forth lightly. She keeps wondering how this station can have so many of its members die in the line of duty.

They hear him before they see him.

Sullivan stomps his way into the locker room. He doesn’t even notice that Maya is standing there at her locker, wrapped up in Carina’s arms. He pounds his big fist into his locker and growls angerly.

Maya and Carina jump apart at the noise and separate a little further as Sullivan lingers for a moment before finally noticing the two women and mumbling a sorry and walking out.

“I’m guessing he found out.” Carina whispers.

Maya nods.

No one in the station has really said anything to each other. What do you say in that moment? I’m sorry is weird because they are all going through the same thing, all starting the process of realizing that Dean isn’t returning. It’s not even mourning yet. They’re still trying to grasp it, get over the shock of it.

“Let’s go home.” Carina bites her lip. She wonders if they have to talk to someone or if there is something that needs to be done, but if there is, she’s sure Maya will do it.

But the blonde closes her locker, takes Carina’s hand, and walks them out of the locker room, through the lounge, and beanery, down the stairs and out the door without doing and saying anything to anyone.

They didn’t even see anyone. It’s suddenly like the fire station is vacant. No one seems to be around. Where there is usually so much life, there is none. It’s very eerie.

With the station being put on a hold and all of their emergency calls being diverted there’s no need for any of them to do anything. Maya is the first to leave, but her colleagues don’t linger around much after that.

Carina leads Maya to where her Porsche is parked.

Maya nods, giving in to the idea finally. “I should tell Andy.” She whispers.

“You can call her from the car.” Carina suggests as they approach the car. “She should hear it from you.” The Italian hopes that Andy hasn’t heard the news yet.

Chapter 62

Notes:

Greetings all. Here is another installment. A continuation from the last chapter and Dean's death. Thanks to all for reading and comments and kudos.

Maya and Carina talk a little about CPR in this chapter so if that is a trigger for you I’ve put 2 little asterisks * in at the beginning and end of that tiny little section. I thought it would be important to bring up between Maya and Carina as healthcare professionals/first responders because CPR is traumatic.

Chapter Text

Once they get home, Carina goes to the bedroom, she sets up the diffuser with some lavender oil and gets that going. She gets out some pajamas for herself, and for Maya, before looking around their bedroom. This is their safe space. She knows they need to be in here for the remainder of the day.

“Maya?” She wonders what the blonde is up to. Carina peeks her head out of the bedroom. “Hey.” She sees Maya changing her shoes. “No.” Carina hurries across the room. “Come on.” She tries to coax Maya away from what she wants to do. Which is run.

“I need to.” Maya mumbles and finishes tying her running shoes.

“No, you don’t, Maya.”

“Yes.” She stands. “I do, Carina.” She trembles though. Her voice and her legs.

“Come here.” Carina tries to pull Maya into a hug, but Maya tries to shrug her off. “Maya, I need you.” She stares Maya down. “Right now. In this moment.” She holds her hand out toward Maya. Maybe a hug is too much, maybe Maya will take a hand hold. “Come put some comfy clothes on and, at the very least, sit with me.” She doesn’t want Maya to run off right now. She doesn’t want her to just leave. She doesn’t want Maya to be alone and Carina doesn’t want to be alone, either.

Something clicks and Maya turns to Carina. Dean’s words of advice come to mind. This is a we decision, not a me decision. She looks the Italian up and down. The sorrow on her wife’s face. This is happening to Carina too. Maya isn’t just going through this loss alone. Carina knew Dean; he was a part of their wedding journey; he was a part of both of their lives.

“Why is this happening again?” Maya asks, hollow.

Dean didn’t die on her watch. She wasn’t, isn’t, captain. But it still feels like it, in some part of her. He was one of her guys. Like there was a responsibility there to protect Dean, even though she isn’t captain. And she feels that, they all feel that. Each firefighter is supposed to look out for their fellow firefighters; have each other’s backs. And maybe that’s the feeling, but because Maya was captain, she feels it more.

It was an accident. It wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t even with the group that Dean was in. He was with Captain Beckett and Captain Aquino. They should have known better, she thinks. They should have predicted the danger and the risk. Maya tries to think about if she would have known the danger and the risks. Would she have put Dean’s life in danger? But she also knows that Dean was on one side of the house and Beckett and Aquino weren’t with him. They were on the other side of the house. There are ultimately too many factors for her to try to predict something.

And that’s all Maya knows. It’s all she knows from running over there and finding Aquino impaled by shrapnel. And then there was a commotion while she and Travis treated Aquino. Everything else is a bit of a blur.

She doesn’t understand why this keeps happening, though. Pruitt was one thing. A devastating thing but he had made a decision and Maya had gone with it. She wasn’t going to go against him. And with Vasquez, that was a mess. Maya will admit and she can’t ever forget it. And she was responsible, Andy made that evidently clear at the time. But this, Maya can’t wrap her head around. Part of her knows it’s too early to wrap her head around, but she just doesn’t understand it.

“Oh, bella.” Carina opens her arms now and Maya steps into them easily. “I don’t know. And I’m so sad and sorry that it is.” She doesn’t understand how one firehouse can be struck with so much tragedy. “I don’t know.” She presses a kiss to Maya’s head. “Will you take your shoes off and come change? We don’t have to talk, if you don’t want, but I want to be with you. I want and need you to be with me right now.” She talks slowly and softly.

Maya nods against Carina.

They go into the bedroom and Maya gets changed into some pajamas quickly. She also pulls the curtains on the window and, then for added measure, throws a towel over the curtain rod almost blacking out the window and the room. It’s the middle of the afternoon and still plenty light out, but Maya wishes it were dark. This is her way of making that happen. She meets Carina at the bed.

Carina gets into bed and under the covers first. Maya does so a few seconds behind her wife, but instead of pulling the covers up to her shoulders or chin, Maya pulls them up over her head, hiding underneath. She turns onto her side and her hands find Carina, moving into her body, accepting Carina’s warmth and love. “Can we hide?” She whispers.

“We can.” The doctor is completely fine with hiding under the covers for a while; for the rest of the day, if they have to. She kisses Maya’s forehead and holds onto her with the same grip that Maya has on her. Clingy, scared, and sad.

Some time passes and they don’t say anything. At one point, Carina thinks Maya has fallen asleep but then the blonde sighs and shifts her legs, agitated.

“What’s wrong?” Carina whispers. She knows she said they didn’t need to talk but she can almost feel that Maya wants or needs to now. Even if Maya can’t acknowledge that herself.

“I didn’t like that you were there. At the scene. It scared me.” The blonde’s words are tiny, like it hurts to speak them.

Maya doesn’t like that Carina was there. She doesn’t want Carina seeing what happens at her job; on dangerous scenes. She doesn’t need to tax Carina with those kinds of thoughts. Carina has to remain partial to it. She needs Carina to not be corrupted by the things that happen and the things she sees. She needs one of them to not have to deal with any of the bad that comes with being a firefighter.

Carina explains that she was in a safe spot and at no point in any danger. “I saw you after-“ After they loaded Dean and Captain Aquino into the ambulance. “I said your name. Did you hear me?” She saw Maya standing there, watching as CPR was performed.

*

Maya had turned around and looked at her, but the blonde just stood there. She didn’t move, she didn’t say anything back.

“I heard you. I just- couldn’t say anything. What I had just seen-“ Maya shakes her head. Aquino’s injuries were bad, gruesome. It’s not something she wants to see even though she keeps seeing it in her mind. It’s a image that is always going to be with her to some extent. And she also saw that they were doing CPR on Dean. “I had just loaded a severely injured man into the ambulance and Dean was-“ She tries but she just can’t get the words out.

Carina nods. “Okay.”

“What we see sometimes- it’s a lot. And it’s traumatic. You know what happens when someone receives CPR. That’s traumatic. And we are desensitized to it. You and I. I know, but there are some things that still get to you. That was my brother-“ Maya tries to explain.

CPR means someone is in cardiac arrest, their heart has stopped beating, they aren’t breathing, and they are unconscious. She knows the odds and the statistics. That 9 out of 10 people that suffer cardiac arrest outside of a hospital die.

Carina is very aware of what happens during CPR. How the ribs can be broken. How the body is life-less. And to continue that for many minutes. She is also well aware of what isn’t happening inside the body. Many many minutes of CPR is hard to watch or see or do. It’s exhausting for the person performing the chest compressions. It’s often traumatizing to the person performing CPR, traumatizing on the person receiving CPR, and traumatizing for any witnesses.

She cradles Maya’s head to her chest, pressing kisses to anywhere her lips can reach. “I know, bambina. I know. And I’m sorry. You don’t have to explain about not saying anything to me. I just- nevermind.” She was so caught up in being at the scene and Maya sort of staring right through her that Carina couldn’t really understand it. Now she does. Carina was standing far enough away that she couldn’t actually see Dean or the extent of his injuries, but she knows what CPR looks like. She knows what happens. Between the knowing and seeing it’s a lot to grapple with.

*

They lay in bed in silence for many hours. There is always some form of contact of connection between them. Shifting into different positions, laying with a head on a stomach or chest. Laying next to each other simply holding hands. Sometimes fingers wander, finding arms and faces, collarbones, chest, hips. A touch to ground. A touch to remain present. A touch to comfort. A touch. Just a touch. Always a touch.

“I was scared.” Carina whispers. “For you.”

Maya lifts her head from Carina’s shoulder and looks at her with sad blue eyes. “When?”

“After the explosion. On scene. I was in the triage area. I covered the patient with my body and then when everything settled after a few seconds the fear kicked in. I didn’t know where you were. If you were in the explosion. If you were hurt or-“

Maya nods and takes a deep breath. “That’s one of the reasons I didn’t like you being there.”

Carina nods. She gets that. “But I was scared. And then I saw you at the ambulance and it lessened but something else took over. I had my patient. I get scared sometimes Maya. I know most of the time it’s going to be okay but today it wasn’t. Dean was-“ She closes her eyes. “I told Emmett this morning that I’m a little bit scared all the time. And today I found out why. I don’t know how you do that every day.”

“I’m not scared of work, my job. If your scared of it, you aren’t going to be any good. Lots of people say firefighters are a different breed, that there’s something different about us. We understand the risks and we face them head on. But today was scary. Not in the moment. I wasn’t scared then. But looking back on it.” She’s not sure if she’s ever admitted something like that before. Especially not to Carina.

Carina runs her hand over the back of Maya’s head and down her back. “You’re so brave, Maya. You all are.”

The blonde nods and lays her head back down on Carina’s shoulder. “It’s striking to be faced with your own mortality.” She mumbles into Carina’s shirt and wraps her arms around Carina tighter. If Beckett would’ve picked her instead of Dean, things could be very different right now.

“I don’t want you to die at work.” Carina sniffles.

“I don’t want that either.” Maya chews on her lip in the silence that lingers between them. But then she hears the sniffles turn into something more. “Hey.” She sits up. “I’m not going to let that happen.”

“You can’t promise that.” A few tears leak from her eye despite Carina not wanting them to.

“I know but-“ She sighs, frustrated. Maya doesn’t know exactly what to say here. They’ve talked about this before, but it’s never felt this raw. “I know. But every time I go into work. I get changed and I look at the pictures of you that I have in my locker, and I hold you with me when I’m working. When I’m out on a call. You make me stronger. More confident. And I look forward to coming home to you every day. That’s my favorite thing. When I come home in the morning, and you are still in bed-”

“Really?” Carina didn’t know that.

“Yeah.” Maya nods and wipes away the tears from under Carina’s eyes. “You are my favorite thing. Person.” She tips her head to the side. “I love you so much and I want to see how beautiful you are when we are old.”

Carina sucks her lower lip into her mouth. “You’re just saying that to get me to stop crying.”

Maya shrugs. “Maybe. But it’s all true.” She smiles. “I love you.”

“I love you, Maya.” She sighs. “So very much. And today, seeing all that, I love you even more. Even harder.”

The blonde nods. “What else are you afraid of?”

“Those big ugly spiders. I’m not a huge fan of thunderstorms.” Carina tips her head to the side. “You know these things, Maya.”

The tiniest hint of a smile works its way to Maya’s lips. “I know but what if we said our fears out loud-”

Carina nods. “Losing you. Forgetting Andrea. What about you?” Those are truly Carina’s biggest fears.

“Hmm. Scary movies. People finding out that I’m a big softie.” She smirks. “Disappointing you. Or giving you a reason to not love me.”

“Maya.” Carina scoffs. To her, Maya’s words are ridiculous. She doesn’t think there could ever be a reason that she wouldn’t love her firefighter.

The blonde shrugs. “That’s mostly it.”

Carina knows that’s not all, but she doesn’t say anything about it. She knows they both have other fears.  “Lay back down.” She wants Maya on top of her. “Are you hungry at all? Should we have dinner?”

Maya shakes her head. And Carina hums, she’s not hungry either. She’s not much of anything but sad. A little confused. But mostly sad. The rest of the evening is spent in bed. Eventually, Carina puts on a movie on her laptop as a distraction, she can’t focus on it. And she knows that Maya isn’t either.

It’s better than sitting in the silence though.


In the morning, Carina gets up and goes to work. It’s Maya’s scheduled day off so she stays in bed. Most of Maya’s thoughts are about Dean or Dean adjacent things. It’s settled that he’s gone. The shock is over. All that’s left is the sadness. The questioning and the sadness.

She tries to work out why her people keep dying. Maya knows it wasn’t particularly anyone’s fault, but the question still lingers. Could Dean have done something different? Could they have saved him if he was five or ten feet further away from the house. Could Aquino or Beckett have realized sooner the situation they were in? The house was off its foundation, damaged from the previous explosion. They should have known that there could have been a gas build up inside the house. They probably should have. They are both captains.

Maya tries to avoid thinking about what she would have done if she were captain. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter and whatever she thinks is only in hindsight and not in the moment of a scene happening in real time. There’s often so much going on at a scene that it could be easy to lose one tiny detail. She still thinks Beckett is incompetent, but she’s not going to completely blame him for Dean’s death. Aquino was there too. Between the two of them, they should have realized sooner that something could happen.

Carina moves about her day as a professional. Part of the job is moving forward after a tragedy. There wasn’t a tragedy at the hospital though. But still, Carina moves forward. The desensitization that Maya had mentioned is very much true. She and Maya are expected move past it, move forward and continue working. That’s not a normal thing to do for the general public but they are trained to did. It doesn’t make Dean’s passing any easier, though.


Maya gets a text message from Travis mid-morning. It’s in their crew’s group chat. Which Maya loathes, so she rolls her eyes when she sees the message in there. She hates that one person texts something and then another and another and another. To her, it’s annoying. Maya feels if you want to have an exchange with someone just have it with that one person. But this is different, and Maya will let this group text slide without it annoying her to no end.

Travis has put out a message that he and Emmett are going to visit Vic at the hospital, and he thinks it’s a good idea that everyone else from their shift pay Vic a visit too.

“Travis wants us to go visit Vic.” Maya says in a monotone when Carina gets home from work. It’s the first thing she says after the doctor walks through the door.

Carina comes over and rubs her hand against the bottom of Maya’s back. She presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. “What do you think? Do you want to go?”

She leans into the counter further, quiet for a few moments. “It will be hard.”

“It will be.” Carina agrees.

“But we should. Put on a brave face and all that. We can’t let Vic feel alone. She’s not alone. But there’s so much going on.” Maya as in turmoil with the right thing to do and say.

“If you can’t-“ Carina starts but Maya puts her hand on Carina hip.

“We’ll go.” Maya confirms. It’s not an option to not go. Maya knows it will be difficult but also that they have to go.

Carina takes a deep breath and nods. “Okay, bella.” She moves her hand from Maya’s lower back to her shoulder. “Is it almost ready?”

Maya had insisted on making dinner for some feeling of normalcy. Carina knows it’s because the blonde needs to do something to keep herself busy. The last few days have been crazy. There was the initial shock and then sadness about Dean’s passing. That, coupled with the news that Vic was going to have to remain in the hospital for a few days to be monitored and have more tests run. There was the discussion about what to do with little Pru. Maya and Carina mostly stayed out of that but did offer their support and any help that they could be, Carina saying they could babysit for a few hours in a pinch. There’s fear of a custody battle and so many unknowns with that. Questions about a funeral or memorial have also been raised. And everyone of them is trying to grieve in their own way on top of everything.

“Yes. Can you get the plates out? Do you think she knows about Dean yet?”

Carina sighs. She imagines Travis or maybe Ben or Andy that were taxed with telling Victoria about Dean’s death. With the plates in hand, Carina moves to the counter. “I’m sure she knows. They wouldn’t keep that from her. Maybe you can ask Travis about it. Tell him, just so we know. And we don’t make a wrong move or say the wrong thing.”

Maya nods and dishes up their dinner. “I’ll do that after we eat. Tell me about your day.” She wants to talk about and think about anything but Dean and Vic while they eat and Carina’s day will provide the perfect distraction.


“Do you want me to cancel the reservation for tonight?”

Maya is sitting on the end of the bed, removing her shoes. She thinks about it. She has no desires to dress up and go out and have fancy dinner with her wife. As bad as that sounds. Maya doesn’t know if she can muster up the energy to put on an act for that entire scenario. On top of all that, it’s their anniversary and she feels terrible about it.

“No.” She says anyway. She doesn’t want to disappoint her wife. Carina has been looking forward to trying this Burmese restaurant for weeks now. She’s been talking about it because Amelia was raving about it at the hospital to anyone who would listen. “Don’t cancel.” Maya rubs her fingers across her eyes. “I’m going to take a nap.”

“Okay, bella. I’m working until three today. Then I will come home, and we can get ready. The reservation is for six.” She approaches the end of the bed, ducking down to give Maya a kiss. The blonde sweaty from the run she just returned from. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Maya stands and pulls her pants down her legs, stepping out of them. “By the way, happy anniversary.” She looks up and smiles as best as she can for Carina. “Have a good day.”

Carina smirks, noticing that Maya’s smile doesn’t reach its full potential. She grabs Maya by the hips and pulls her in for another kiss. “Happy anniversary, bambina. You have a good day too.”

Maya hums. “I’ll just be sleeping this morning. Then maybe I’ll-“ She looks around the room. “Clean the place.” She hasn’t put in any effort into keeping up the apartment the last few days, since the explosion. And she hates a mess.

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.” Maya feels like she needs to though. It’s a way to control what’s happening in her life. Even if it’s a small thing.

Carina hums. “I love you.” She gives Maya another kiss.

“I love you.” Maya pecks Carina’s lips one final time before they part.


When she gets home the apartment is quiet. It’s not what Carina expected. She expected Maya to be doing something. Anything. She knows the blonde is home, her shoes and keys are here. After removing her own shoes, Carina moves to the bedroom. The door is closed so she slowly cracks it open and peeks inside in case Maya is sleeping.

Carina goes over to the bed. “Are you asleep?”

Maya lays on her left side, her hands tucked up under her chin, blanket pulled up along with them, covering her entire body except for her head. She shakes her head lightly. “I’m sorry I didn’t get up and clean the apartment.”

“Oh, bambina.” She bends and presses a kiss to Maya’s head. “Don’t worry about that.”

“But it’s getting messy.” Maya whines. She just doesn’t feel like she can do it right now. After spending the last few days at the station, dealing with Dean’s death. She’s exhausted. Mentally, physically. In every way.

“It’s fine. It’s not messy. And if it does get messy. I will clean.” Carina sits down on the bed, and then lays down facing Maya, her arm over her wife’s waist, hand on the small of her back. Her other elbow into the mattress, propping herself up, hand on the side of her head. “Are you okay? I know you’ve been down about Dean and Vic and the explosion. But are you okay?”

Carina slightly alarmed by finding Maya like this. She’s never seen Maya like this. Sure, she moped around after she lost her captaincy, but this feels different. Even after Pruitt died, she didn’t see Maya like this. Yes, she came over with her sorrow and anguish in the middle of the night, but after that Carina didn’t think it was that bad. This bad. Though, they weren’t living together at the time, and they were very early on in their relationship. Maya could have been like this and just hiding it from Carina; stayed in the cocoon of her bed in the days following Pruitt’s death and Carina would have never known. Or maybe it was that Maya was captain then and needed to get herself together and lead. Now she doesn’t have to do that.

“He was one of my guys.” Maya thinks about her team when she was captain. “We didn’t always see things the same way, but he always respected me, and I respected him. He was so full of life. And his daughter- I brought her into this world.” She looks up at Carina with that statement. They share a small smile both knowing that Carina was a part of that too.

Maya shakes her head. “He just wanted to make the world a better place. Genuinely. He came from money and prestige but that didn’t matter to him. What mattered to him was that little girl and helping people. He started Crisis One. What’s going to happen with that now? I should talk to Emmett and Vic about it. But Vic is-“ She sighs. It’s undetermined yet what Victoria is going to be able to do, if she’s going to be able to be a firefighter still, if she even wants to have any part of Crisis One, or if it will be too painful to be associated with.

“You’ll figure it out. You’ll all figure it out.” Carina rubs her hand up and down Maya’s back.

“He was a big strong man, loyal, always had your back, no matter what. And as big and strong as he was, Dean was such a soft teddy bear at heart.” Maya chuckles a little. “We even dated the same girl.”

“What?” This is the first Carina has heard of this.

“Yeah, Nicole.” Maya rolls her eyes. “Dated. I don’t know if I’d call it that. We hung out together and had sex.”

Carina laughs. “Sounds like dating.”

“But it was never really labeled as such.”

“Labels are ridiculous.” Carina adds with a wink.

Maya grins, remembering another reason why she loves Carina. “I met her when I was running in the park. She was on the tennis court with some guy. He hit the ball and it flew out of the court and bounced in front of me on the path where I was running. She was jogging over to retrieve the ball when I was going by. She was cute and smart. Athletic. All things I’m interested in.”

Carina moves her hand from Maya’s back to brush her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. She loves hearing about Maya’s past. All the little things that she doesn’t know. Even an ex. It’s just more to get to know Maya and feel like there is nothing that they can’t share with each other. She strokes her thumb over the shell of Maya’s ear. “All the things?” Carina whispers.

Maya rolls her eyes. “I mean- I’m interested in more than that.” She bites her lip. “I’m interested in everything about you.” She takes a stab at being corny.

Carina hums. “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were just a smooth talker trying to get me into bed.”

“We’re already in bed.”

Carina sighs. She doesn’t want this conversation to get lost. It’s important to Carina that Maya is alright or is going to be alright despite learning something new about her wife. “Are you okay? I can still cancel our reservation.”

“I’m sad. But I think I’m okay.” Maya isn’t one hundred percent sure on that, but with time she feels like she could be okay. She thinks about Dean and his untimely death a lot of the time. “Life really isn’t fair, is it?”

“Nope.” Carina pops the p.

“We should go to dinner. It’s our anniversary.” Maya pushes herself up so that she’s sitting up. Carina mimics her position. “And you’ve been wanting to go to this place.”

“Maya, bambina, if you’re not feeling up for it, we can go some other time.” She doesn’t want to force an evening at a place they’ve never been to. She wants to enjoy their time there. She wants Maya to enjoy their time there. There’s really no point in going, to her, if it’s just going for the sake of doing it.

Maya shakes her head. “Happy wife, happy life. Right?” She tries to chuckle, but it comes out more cynically than she wants.

Carina reaches up and slips her hand around the back of Maya’s neck, pulling her forward so that their foreheads rest against each other. “Not if you’re not happy. You’re a wife too.” She watches as Maya’s eyes close, and she lets out a long sigh. “We will go another time. Today we can- order in. Whatever you want. It doesn’t matter but we don’t have to go to the restaurant.”

“Thank you.” That takes the pressure off Maya.

“I love you.” Carina whispers. “I’m going to shower and change. Va bene?”

“Yeah. I love you.”

Carina looks into those big blue eyes. They’re not as bright as they usually are. Carina can see the sadness that resides in them, but she knows just by looking into them that Maya is honest with her words. When she says ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m sad but I’ll be okay’ she knows that Maya means it. She knows she doesn’t need to worry too much about Maya. Though she will always worry.

“You think about what you want to do tonight while I’m in the shower. It doesn’t matter. As long as you’re with me. I’m fine with that being our anniversary.”

Maya briefly thinks about saying something like ‘I want to do you’ or ‘how about we shower together’ but she knows she doesn’t have the energy for either of those things right now. “Okay.” She mumbles instead.

Carina presses a kiss to her forehead before slipping out of their bed and into the bathroom.

They end up ordering tacos and burritos and quesadillas from the local Mexican place that Carina loves to frequent. Maya suggested it knowing that Carina would love it. Maybe not as much as their original plans but love it none the less.

“I love tacos.” Carina bites into one and hums.

Maya chuckles lightly at her cute wife. “I know you do.” She reaches out and rub her thumb against the corner of Carina’s lips, swiping off some taco sauce. “Thank you for this.”

“For what?”

“Staying in.” Maya bows her head.

Carina gets to her knees, reaching over the plates of food that sit on the bed between them. She sets a hand on Maya’s cheek and kisses her gently. “Anything for you, bambina.”

With her eyes still closed from the kiss, Maya hums. Her fingers wrap around Carina’s wrist. Just when she feels like she couldn’t love Carina anymore, there is something that she says or does that has Maya falling all over again. “I love you.” She opens her eyes to see Carina’s eyes twinkling delightful at her. “Happy Anniversary, my love.”

“Buon Anniversario, bambina.” She raises her taco in the air. “Cheers.” Carina waits for a smirk to grace Maya’s face and then for her to raise her own taco in the air, clanking them together softly. “And a kiss?”

Maya leans over and Carina meets her halfway for a tender kiss. It might not be too bad of an anniversary after all, despite all that’s going on.

Chapter 63

Summary:

hello all. Thanks to all for reading. Here is another chapter. going over 5.6. Which feels like a sort of filler episode to me but hopefully this chapter isn't like a filler chapter. Enjoy!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The hospital isn’t a foreign place to Maya. The hospital is where she brings patients that need medical treatment and care. The hospital is where her wonderful wife works. But today the hospital is where she is going to see her coworker and teammate and friend, who was nearly electrocuted to death, while mourning the death of another. So, the hospital is not where Maya wants to be.

She knocks on the door and waits. But only for a moment before she hears Carina’s voice calling her in. Maya pushes the door open and sees Carina sitting behind her desk. She hasn’t come here very much recently. She wasn’t allowed to because of Covid rules so it’s been a while since she’s seen Carina in her work element.

The first thing she notices, besides her wife in her white lab coat behind her desk, is the balloons that sit on the corner of Carina’s desk.

“Hey, babe.” Maya mumbles and steps into the room.

Carina stands and rounds her desk, meeting Maya for a quick kiss. “Ciao, bella.”

“Ciao.” Her ciao is very unenthusiastic. Maya really isn’t in any mood to be cheery. She’s here to pick up Carina, and balloons apparently, and then go to visit Vic. “Ready to go?”

Grabbing the balloons and her keys, Carina nods and takes Maya’s hand. “How has your morning been?”

“Boring.”

The problem with that answer is that Maya is never bored, and Carina knows this. She knows that if it was boring than Maya isn’t her regular self and it’s likely because she’s dreading this visit with Vic. It’s probably the only thing that Maya has been thinking about all morning.

“How was your run?”

Maya hums. “Good.” Other than holding her wife’s hand right now, her run had been the best part of her day so far. “They are really progressing on that new building a few blocks from us. It’s got exterior plywood walls up now.”

They stop outside Vic’s room, Maya looking to Carina for what to do. The brunette smiles and presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. “I’ll knock.” She hands the balloons off to Maya and knocks on the door, then pushes it open a crack, announcing their presence as they step into the room.

Dr. DeLuca peeks in first, seeing that Vic is in bed. They bring the balloons in and each give Vic a hug before settling on and next to Vic’s bed.

“I’ve never seen you in your doctor get up.” Vic comments on Carina’s white lab coat.

“I’m supposed to be working.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “No, I just have office hours today. I’m on my lunch break.”

“You came to visit me on your lunch break.” Vic holds a hand to her chest feeling overly emotional about it.

“We wanted to come together, and this was the only time that worked really well.” Maya explains.

They chat about Carina’s work mostly and things going on in the hospital. Vic doesn’t say much but complains about the food. Though there’s nothing wrong with the hospital food really, she just wants to not be stuck in the hospital eating their food.

The time goes quickly and before they know it, Carina’s break is almost over. They hug Vic again before departing. Maya sighs as soon as they are out of the room. “It’s so rough to see her like that.”

“It is.” Carina agrees and gives Maya’s hand a gentle squeeze. “Are you headed home now?” She curious about Maya’s plans for the remainder of the day.

Maya shakes her head. “I was going to go down to the water. Sit there for a bit.”

“Okay. If you need anything you’ll call me?”

Maya nods. She wants something that’s away from hospitals and fire stations and death. She wants peace. The sun on her face. The smell of dead fish. The sound of the waves lapping at the shore. The sound of people talking about anything and everything that isn’t funerals, and raising a child without its father, and what to do about Crisis One.

They return to Carina’s office. “Thanks for walking me back, bella.” She grins and leans into Maya. Lifting her right hand, she tucks Maya’s hair behind her ear. “I love you.” She whispers before connecting their lips.

It feels so good to have Carina near. She takes away some of the confusion, the pain, the fear. They share a second short kiss despite usually not doing so in their workplaces. “I love you, Carina.” She sighs. “So much.” Maya wraps Carina in a hug. “Have a good rest of your day.”

They part with one more kiss. “I’ll see you at home tonight.”

As planned, Maya heads down to the beach. She gets a taco from a taco truck and sits in the sand and watches the water. Tomorrow is Dean’s funeral so, at some point before Carina is done with work, she’ll have to get her Class A uniform out of the closet and go through it, make sure everything is in order. It’s not often that they were them but it’s always a serious situation when they do.

The next day Maya sits with her crew in the chairs of the high school auditorium. This is a public full-service funeral. Dean’s family will have a private funeral the following day. Her wife is in the row behind her. Maya and the entire crew remain stoic during the entire funeral. It’s the hardest part of their job. Everyone is watching. The citizens of their community sit behind them and watch for anyone to break, to crack, to shed a tear or wipe an eye.

But no one does.

When it’s all over, Maya stands at the back of the room, and pulls her necktie loose. She can relax a little now. Everything isn’t so precise and rigid and militaristic.

They had all gathered at the hospital to visit Vic before the funeral. The woman didn’t say a single thing the entire time they were there. It only filled Maya with more hurt and pain that Vic couldn’t attend the funeral.

Hands find her hips, and Maya raises an eyebrow at Carina. The sorrow on Carina’s face, the tight lipped smile aren’t out of place, but Maya thinks they shouldn’t have to be there. She pulls Carina into a side hug and Carina tucks her face against Maya’s neck.

Jack stomping out of the room past them and pulls their attention from each other.

“Is he going to be okay?” Carina whispers.

Maya doesn’t know. Jack and Dean were great friends. Not only did they work together but Jack had the closest relationship with Dean out of anyone at 19.

There is a sit down meal after the service and Maya is grateful that she can sit next to Carina for it. She pulls out a chair for Carina and takes off her hat and motions to the chair with it. Carina looks elegant in her black full length dress even though it’s a funeral.

Carina presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek before she sits. The dinner runs smoothly without any interruptions. Except for Jack returning and everyone’s head turning to watch him come back in with red-rimmed eyes. Afterward, Carina suggests they go home to change and then hit up the beach again.


She had gotten an email that the investigation into her insubordination is happening. She makes sure to tell everyone that morning in the beanery. She was apprehensive to tell them. Maya had wanted to keep it to herself. She, of course, told Carina as soon as she received the email. But now she’s telling her team.

Maya walks into the barn when the call comes out a little while later.

Ben is talking to Pru. “Okay, you are going to stay here with Auntie Maya.” He flips Pru around and hands her off to Maya.

Maya shakes her head. She doesn’t want to be responsible for a toddler.

“You’re fine. You’re fine.” Ben tells the blonde unconvincingly. “Just uh- you know- keep her entertained.” He runs to the engine to get in his gear.

“Well, why is it the woman who gets left with the baby like it’s the 1950’s. Huh?” Maya really isn’t liking this set up. One, she thinks it’s unfair that she’s getting strapped with this responsibility. And two, just because she’s the only woman firefighter in their crew right now, doesn’t mean she has to be the mother figure.

“Can you guys watch her?” She asks Travis and Emmett. It’s not that Maya doesn’t think she could figure it out. Pru is older now than when she was born. She walks and kind of talks, but Maya doesn’t understand much of what she says. So, she’s not a baby and not a child that can say what they want or need. It’s that confusing in between period.

Travis’s parents are going to be enough to keep him occupied. “I’ve got my own babysitting gig today.” He walks off.

Emmett scampers off after him, not wanting to be roped into babysitting a toddler either.

She’s stuck with Pru and she knows it. She looks at the little girl. The pain that she feels for her is part of the reason Maya doesn’t want to do this. This girl’s only parent and father just died. She’s sure that the little one doesn’t understand it completely and she doesn’t know if she can comprehend that either.

“Hi.” She tries to engage but Pru isn’t interested, she watches the firefighter’s load up and the truck pull out of the barn.

The journey out of the barn and up the stairs is an uneventful one. She carries Pru into the lounge and sets her down. She sits and watches the girl climb up onto the piano bench and start playing with the piano.

“Okay. Okay. So what -what should we do?” Maya knows it’s silly to ask but she’s at a loss for what to do right now. She thinks she could take Pru around on a tour of the station, but she knows the girl has been here on and off with Ben the last few days and has probably seen everything there is to see inside the station.

Pru stands up and says she has to go potty and so Maya picks her up so they can go to the bathroom, but they don’t make it more than a few steps before Pru fills her diaper.

“Oh god.” She holds Pru out away from her body. “Oh my god.”

Maya doesn’t know what to do. But she hears Carina’s laughter. She hears her before she sees her. And then Carina is coming into the room. Maya didn’t know Carina was going to be here so soon but is thankful that she is.

“Help me.” She turns around towards her wife.

“Give her to me.” Carina takes Pru. “Hello, bella.” She gets to work right away on changing the diaper.

Maya is stuck on how bad it smells.

“That’s right.” The doctor lays Pru down on the floor. “Everybody’s poo poo stinks. Even Maya’s.” She makes a little joke at her wife’s expense. It’s interesting to see Maya in a bit of a panic about a dirty diaper.

“How are you so good at this?”

“You never babysat? Or had friends with kids.” Carina finds it hard to believe that Maya’s never dealt with a dirty diaper before.

“No.” Maya watches as Carina effortlessly changes Pru out of the dirty diaper.

“Nothing.” She didn’t hear Maya’s answer one way or the other. She holds out the baby wipes, making the blonde help out.

“No. Why?” The way Carina asks makes Maya feel like she’s missing something.

“Nothing. It just explains a lot about your personality.” She gets the fresh diaper ready. “Once you spend a lot of time with kids you realize that plans and rules and rigid diets don’t really make sense when you are always two minutes away from-“ She puts the diaper on. “-an exploding diaper.” Carina tickles at Pru making her laugh and roll around. Carina laughs with her and it feels good to laugh. There hasn’t been much laughing recently. “You’re all set.” She gets the little girl to her feet. “Oh, we might need to change the socks too.” Her focus is solely on the little girl now.

But Maya’s focus is solely on Carina.

“Let’s see what color we have.”

“Pink.” Pru cheers.

“Look at that.” She gets the pink socks from the diaper bag and starts taking Pru’s little shoes off and then her socks.

Maya watches with nothing but pure adoration for her wife. This woman, so full of compassion, so full of joy and spirit and so many amazing things, has taken a task that Maya had panicked about, and handled is with such grace and ease. She’s not sure if the situation would have ended the same if she were the one to change the diaper explosion.

She also can’t help but think of Carina as a mom, doing this for her own child. And Maya knows that Carina will be just as good at it, if not better.

Here is Carina with this little girl who just lost her father, playing and goofing, laughing with her. And Maya doesn’t think there could be anyone else that would be better at this situation. Carina’s light and cheer and joy are the perfect thing for Pru right now. A bit of playtime normalcy. Maya still feels the weight of Dean’s death. She feels it every time someone brings Pru into a room. She feels it every time she thinks of the girl’s future without a father. It isn’t lost on Maya that Carina probably still feels Dean’s death too. But you wouldn’t know it by the way she interacts with Pru.

Once the socks are changed, Carina presses a gentle kiss to Pru’s head and then glances over at Maya. The blonde is looking at her funny. “What?”

“Nothing.” Maya shakes her head.

Pru gets out of Carina’s lap and runs across the room. Carina gets to her hands and knees chasing after her. “I’m gonna get you.” She threatens.

Pru screams and then hides behind the recliner.

Carina crawls across the floor and grabs Pru around the middle with a little growl. The girl laughs and Carina pulls her into an embrace. “What should we do?” The doctor gets to her feet and then picks Pru up and sets her on her hip. “Should we ask Maya?” She turns to the blonde. Maya still has that same awestruck look on her face. “Maybe she can get us a snack. I’m hungry. What about you?”

“Yay!” Pru cheers.

At least Pru seems happy right now. It probably goes more towards her not completely understanding that her daddy is gone than anything else, but Maya wants to try to keep her happy, if she can. “Let’s get a snack.” Maya takes Pru’s hand, jiggling it a little. Her eyes find Carina’s, having a silent conversation. A little check in. This girl between them means more now than anything else. Maya tries to put Pru’s needs ahead of the lingering reminded that every time she sees the girl that Dean is dead.

She leads them into the beanery. “What do we have that is kid appropriate?” She’s thinking out loud.

“What kind of snacks do you like, Pru?” Carina asks.

“Booberries!” She cheers.

Travis is in the kitchen watching ‘his turkey’ cook. “What’s up?” He sees the trio coming.

“We’re looking for a snack.”

“No.” He wiggles a finger at them. “No. You can’t eat any of the Thanksgiving foods. You have to wait until we all sit down.”

He is being dramatic. Maya understands that he is under pressure with his parents in the building, but he doesn’t need to jump all over them because of it. “Calm your tits, Travis. Pru needs a snack. Do we have any blueberries?”

Travis frowns.

Carina comes over and puts a hand on Travis’ shoulder. “Do you like Cherrios, Pru?” She looks down at the little girl. She’s holding onto Carina’s hand. She gives a little shrug.

“Or maybe some Wheaties?” Travis teases, trying to get back at Maya for her comment.

Maya rolls her eyes as she looks through the fridge to find some food for Pru. There aren’t any blueberries in their fridge, so she looks at the other shifts fridge items. She finds some raspberries. “What about raspberries, Pru?”

“Otay.”

Maya washes the berries and gets a cup of water for Pru. She finds some granola in the cupboard and sets all of that up at the table. “Okay, Pru. I’ve got your snack ready. Let’s sit down and eat.”

She lets go of Carina’s hand and runs over. Maya helps her up on the chair and then watches as she has her snack. It’s not so bad taking care of the child. It’s pretty easy actually. She, well Carina, changed the diaper and now they are working on a snack. It’s time consuming and she has to watch the child actually eat but overall not bad.

Carina brings over a water and sits opposite Maya and Pru at the table.

Just as Pru is finishing her snack Jack comes in all grumpy and plops down at the end of the table.

Pru grins. “Jack.”

“Hi, Pru.” She smiles, tight and forced, but he smiles for the little girl. “Are you having a snack?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.” He glances between Maya and Carina.

Carina gets up and goes over by Travis at the stove. “Let me take that.” She takes the potatoes that Travis is mashing from the stove and brings them over to Jack. “You wanted to do all the cooking. Make yourself useful.” She hands the pot of potatoes to Jack. He glares at Carina and Carina glares right back and points to the pot. “Mash.”

Maya senses the tension and bad vibes coming from Jack and doesn’t want Pru around that. “Hey, Pru. Let’s go see if we can find- someone.”

“Otay.” She hops down from her chair easily.

The blonde looks over at her wife, having a silent conversation with her, ending with Carina giving her a wink. Maya walks Pru out of the room with a hand on the top of her head.

“You messing up my hair.” Pru complains.

Maya grins. “Sorry, kid.” She takes Pru into the lounge, hoping to get her to play in there again. They find Vic.

“Vic.” Pru runs towards Vic and Maya sees the sadness and fear on Vic’s face, but she opens her arms and pulls Pru into a hug regardless. They are all putting their own feelings aside for little Pru today.

In the meantime, Carina talks to Jack about how he is feeling. She doesn’t want to have to bring up Andrea, but Jack is despondent to everything she says. When Maya comes back into the room she feels safe enough to bring her brother up. She doesn’t want to compare Dean to Andrea, but she talks about grief and how she, with Maya’s help, got that grief out of her body. How dancing and laughing and crying and screaming lets those emotions out because Jack can’t hold onto them forever. He can’t keep everything inside.

Maya listens as her wife talks about grief and letting light back in. This beautiful soul has been through so much in her life and she still believes that life is beautiful and that there is so much light and good in the world, in people. Carina is simply remarkable.

Nari smells smoke and alerts them to the oven that has a fire inside of it. All three jump to their feet. Jack tries to pull the oven open but it’s locked shut. Maya gets the fire extinguisher. They don’t panic but they hurry. A fire inside a fire station. They should be prepared for that. And they are expect that the oven in locked shut and won’t open because it’s on cleaning mode.

Travis hears the commotion and comes back in. He went to check on Emmett and his father downstairs where they are setting up the tables for their Thanksgiving meal. “What is happening?” He’s shocked to see smoke coming from the oven and then the fire alarm sounding.

“Everything’s on fire.” His mother points at the oven as Carina peeks around the corner. They don’t want to get in the way but also want to see what’s happening.

“My turkey.” Travis runs to get the ‘Jaws of Life’ to save his turkey.

Maya worries about Pru. “Pru?” She shouts to Carina. She doesn’t want the little girl scared from the frie alarm, or inhaling any smoke, being near this.

Vic had taken Pru out of the lounge when the alarm started going off and whisked her down the stairs. “It’s okay. Vic took her to Bailey.” Carina informs Maya, letting Maya get back to trying to put the fire out without worrying about the little girl that they were watching.

Jack has Carina open the patio door as he tries to open the oven door. Travis comes back and starts on the oven door with the ‘jaws’. The sprinkler system activates, soaking them all. He finally gets the door to open, and Maya sprays the flames. Jack pulls the burnt turkey from the oven and sets it on the stovetop in defeat. They are all disheartened, drenched little rats, about the fire and the oven and the burnt turkey when Beckett comes in and slips on the water that the sprinkler put down, falling onto the floor flat on his back.

The whole situation would be completely comically if they didn’t just ruin their Thanksgiving dinner.

Luckily, or thankfully, since it’s Thanksgiving, Andy and Theo show up with some food for them to share.

Everyone sits down to eat.

Watching Jack with Pru, Maya realizes that today went fairly well. Even though there were little hiccups here and there. She mentions, almost thinking out loud that today was a lot for Jack.

“It was a lot for everyone.” Maya whispers to Carina.

Carina hums. “Yeah, it was a disaster.” She sighs. “But a beautiful one.”

Maya turns to face her wife. “It was.” She agrees. “I mean all of it.” Maya leans forward, tuning everyone out but Carina. “There were disasters happening in the kitchen and in families.” It was rough to see Travis arguing with his father, his parents, and them trying to figure out how their family is going to look moving forward. It is hard to see Ben and Bailey having to fight for Pru with her biological grandparents. “And we’re all in pain and heartbroken and yet-”

Carina nods.

“When there was a child in the building, we were all fine.” Pru has put them together and held them all together today in some way or another.

“When there was a child in my arms in the middle of it all, I was fine. I kept her fine. We knew how to keep her fine.” She smiles around her words. “We can do this.”

Carina tilts her head to the side trying to figure out what the this is in Maya’s sentence.

“I can do this.” And she believes that she can. Maya rubs her palm over Carina’s knee. “Let’s have a baby.”

“Sorry, what?” The Italian really doesn’t believe what Maya is saying right now. Sure, Maya handled Pru fairly well today but she’s not sure that that is enough of an experience to decide to have a baby off of. She knows that they are all high on emotions. Good and bad emotions.

“I wanna have a baby.” Maya nods. She can see that Carina is in disbelief.

“Okay.” She breathes out shakily at Maya’s words. She doesn’t want to get too excited. She doesn’t want to jump to next steps, and she doesn’t want to get her hopes up too high. Because there’s a lot to do between, I can do this and I want to have a baby. “It’s usually not best to make decisions while in mourning.” She needs Maya to understand that and for her to pump the brakes a little.

“I’m not. I mean-“ She pats at Carina’s thigh. Amending her sentence, Maya tries again. “I am in mourning. But-“ She needs Carina to know that this isn’t something she’s just thought about today or decided today. Ever since Carina brought up wanting to have kids, she’s been thinking about it. “I’ve been thinking this whole time that I need to stick to some plan. But plans don’t work. People die. Families fall apart.” She knows her usual way to think isn’t going to work for this. Maya knows that it hasn’t worked to think about in some detailed, planned out way.

Carina sees the whimsical magic in Maya’s eyes.

“Let’s have a baby.” The blonde whispers.

She asks Maya with her eyes and a point of the finger if she’s really truly serious about this.

Maya nods and hums. “Uh-huh.” She bites at her lip.

Carina leans in, an inch from Maya’s face. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.” She whispers to her wife and Carina rests her forehead against her own. “I love you, Carina. Let’s have a baby.”

The kiss that Carina plants on her lips surprises Maya, but isn’t unwelcome or unwanted. She reaches up and cradles the side of Carina’s face, deepening the kiss.

“Okay, lovebirds.” Ben calls out from the other end of the table. “Not at the dinner table.”

Maya blushes and ducks away from everyone. But Carina finds her hand under the table and squeezes it. She glances over and out of the side of her eye she can see Carina smirking at her.

When dinner is finished, everyone helps clean up and it makes quick work of the tasks.

The aid car gets called out for someone with burns on their hands and everyone else scatters in the own directions.

Before Carina can leave for the night, Maya pulls her aside. “You believe me, right?”

“I do.” She can see that Maya is serious about this. “Once everything around here settles, we are going to get into this more.” She doesn’t want them making big decisions now. Or in the next few days, even. It’s a life changing moment but Carina needs them to let it breathe for a bit before they get into the nitty gritty of having a baby. “I love you, bambina.” She whispers against Maya’s lips just before kissing them.

Notes:

next is 5.7 which is one of my favorites so that will be fun

Chapter 64

Notes:

Thanks to all who read. Thanks for each and every comment. My greatest appreciation.
I wanted to post this on Tuesday (Cuz Valentine's Day) but i've been super busy. but here it is. We pick up the morning after the Thanksgiving meal and move into 5.7
Enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Carina is working but Maya has this weird feeling in her chest as she returns home after her shift. Something she doesn’t recognize. A lot of her feelings she recognizes even if they are bad feelings and she doesn’t want to deal with them. She’ll stuff down the bad or angry feelings. She’s learned to accept the love feelings. To express those. But the other ones she doesn’t want to deal with.

The last time she felt something even remotely similar to now was when Pruitt died. She didn’t know what to feel or how to act then. It’s not quite that now but she doesn’t know how to feel about the growing thought and feeling that she wants to and has the ability to have a child. Like, she needs someone to tell her how to feel and act. Someone to guide her, to lead the way. And that someone, who could in this situation, isn’t home.

Maya huffs as she throws down her backpack in frustration. She gets a glass of water and heads towards their bedroom. After changing, Maya climbs into bed. She sets an alarm for the middle of the afternoon and tries to get some sleep.

Her thoughts keep her up for a while; just as they did when she tried to sleep last night at the station. Eventually, Maya got to sleep but it was short lived when they got a call at two in the morning.

Again, she tries to sleep but many questions roll through her mind. Finally having enough tossing and turning, Maya opens her phone and starts reading about fire protocols and procedures. She knows, eventually, they will put her to sleep. The content so boring that her eyelids will start to droop, and she’ll have no choice but to put the phone down and close them.

In the evening, she stirs and stirs and stirs the contents of the pan and anxiously stands at the stove. It’s past six and Carina should be home soon.

The risotto Maya made is ready to be consumed. She’s just waiting for her wife.

If she sets the table and lights a candle maybe that will occupy the time until Carina gets home. Maya sets to the task but it doesn’t take long and Carina still hasn’t arrived by the time she’s finished. She’s not worried or panicked because she knows often times Carina’s work can run over the scheduled hour. But Maya looks at her phone again to find no new messages. That means, it’s likely either a small delay Carina is on her way home; or it’s a major delay like surgery, and she isn’t near her phone, and could be hours before she gets home.

Putting the stovetop of low, she leaves the dish and heads over to the couch. Maya puts a time limit on dinner. If Carina isn’t home by a certain time she will eat and package up the leftovers in a container.

Before that limit is reached, Carina finally enters and Maya hops to her feet. She goes over by the door, helping Carina remove her coat and hanging it on the hook for her.

“Hi.” Maya smiles softly, almost secretively, and a little bashfully. Usually, she’s not so eager when Carina comes home. But today she’s like a puppy; happy to see it’s owner after a long day.

“Ciao, bella.” Carina takes a step and connects their lips. She notices what she thinks is eagerness in Maya. “How was your day? Did you dark Friday shop?”

Maya wrinkles up her brow. “No.” She has no intention of shopping with hoards of people even if she could get a good deal on something.

“Okay. The Italian hums. “That’s all I heard about all day. The deals people got, missed out on, had someone else pick up for them. On and on.” Carina doesn’t get the obsession.

“It’s stupid.”

Carina grins. The thoughts that Maya has about Black Friday shopping seem to be similar to her own. Maya is still standing next to her, almost like she’s hovering. “Is everything okay?” Maybe the eagerness is something else, something more.

The firefighter shakes her head and then looks down at the floor. “I made supper.”

The thought that Maya made something for her warms her entire body. It’s so simple yet so thoughtful. There’s just something very lovely and wholesome about how Maya cares for her. Mostly, through actions or tasks, but Maya’s care is immeasurable. “What did you make?”

“Risotto.” She looks up just in time to see Carina lips curl into a happy grin and her eyes twinkle with delight.

“Then I’m the luckiest wife.” She holds out her hand. When Maya takes it, she turns and then gasps in surprise. “Maya.” The table is set, there is a single candle burning in the middle. And she knows how Maya feels about candles with flames. Two wine glasses, plates, sets of silverware.

“I thought-“ She gets self-conscious. “I have lots of questions.” Maya wanted to set up a special dinner for them to discuss said questions.

“About?”

“Well-“ She wonders if Carina has no idea what this is about. She wonders if she’s done the wrong thing. Should they have just had a conversation. Maybe in bed before they tucked in for the night. Is she putting too much pressure on this? “You want to have a baby. Right?”

Carina takes a deep breath before pulling Maya into her side, reducing Maya’s worry. “Okay, amore mio. Let’s eat first.”

Maya licks her lips and nods. She scampers to the kitchen ahead of Carina and gets the risotto to dish up their portions. Then she gets the wine out and pours two healthy glasses.

Carina talks about her day as they eat and Maya tells her wife about the call they went to in the middle of the night. All very typical for them.

Maya keeps glancing over at the candle towards the end of their meal.

“You can blow it out now.” Carina loves her wife’s little intricacies.

The legs of Maya’s chair scrape the floor as she pushes it back and stands. She bends over the table and holds out a hand behind the flame. A puff of air from her lips extinguishes it.

Before she gets a chance to sit back down there is a hand on her wrist. She looks over at Carina.

“Vieni qua.” Carina tugs gently.

Maya moves quickly and with little effort she is sitting in Carina’s lap, the Italian’s arms hang loosely around her waist.

“Tell me.” Carina rests her chin on Maya’s shoulder. “What are your thoughts?”

Collecting them and getting them in order is a bit of a task. “Well, where do we start?”

Carina grins and then brushes her cheek against Maya’s shoulder. “I love you.” They begin with that. She gives Maya a squeeze. Though her love for Maya never wavers, it feels incredibly strong right now. More so than the average, every day feeling.

The firefighter reaches up, cradling the side of her wife’s head with a palm and resting hers against the opposite side. “I love you, Carina.” She sighs and closes her eyes.

They sit in their feelings for a moment, trying to absorb the moment and their thoughts and feelings. It’s a little bit before Maya licks her lips and clears her throat. She pulls her head away from Carina so she can look into gorgeous brown eyes. “You are- as a doctor I’m sure you know more about the process than I do. And as an OB that much more so.”

Carina hums. These things might be true but she doesn’t want to talk to Maya about this as a doctor or an OB. She wants to discuss this, at least for right now, as a wife, a spouse, as someone who is at the starting line of this journey. “Don’t think of me as a doctor right now. I’m just your wife.”

“You are my wife.” Maya whispers back, forever in awe that they are married. She sets her hand on Carina’s cheek and connects their lips in a soft kiss. She still gets butterflies when she thinks about Carina as her wife. “So, as my wife, what do you think?” She swipes her thumb over Carina’s lips, her eyes watching the motion of her thumb.

“I asked you first.” Carina smirks. “But like I said yesterday I don’t want you or me, us, to make any major decisions right now. So, let’s just fling thoughts and ideas out there and discuss.”

Maya nods. She likes that idea and they spend the next few hours throwing out ideas and discussing them.

They move from the table to the bedroom, lounging in bed and discussing more ideas as the hours pass and day turns into dark night.

She traces her fingers over Maya’s bicep. “You’re going to have to learn how to change diapers though.” Carina smirks.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Of course I will.”

“Cuz I won’t be changing all the poopy diapers by myself.” She chuckles.

“Carina.” Maya knows she’ll have to brush up on some baby skills. She’s not too worried about that. With a little practice and experience she’ll be confident enough to handle any poopy diapers.

“You’ll do amazing, bella.” Carina is also confident that Maya will be fine with some experience. “You’ll be a great mommy.”

Maya isn’t sure about that but she’s grateful for Carina’s vote of confidence. And she knows that if she’s a crappy parent their kid will really have a great parent in Carina.

“We’re really doing this, huh?”

“Si, bella.” Carina feels giddy. She squirms around in bed, hands finding Maya’s sides and leans into her, laughing and pushing Maya onto her back.

Maya’s hands find Carina’s hips before wrapping her in a hug. “I love you.”

Carina sighs happily. “Ti amo, Maya.” She cuddles into the embrace, loving up on Maya.


Carina uses her day off for preparation. She hasn’t told Maya yet that she’s also taking the next two days off of work so they can have some days off together. She goes shopping and gathers all the ingredients for the foods she plans to make. She gets hundreds of rose petals, more wine, and flowers.

“Hey, Trav.” She stops by the station at lunchtime. “How’s shift going?”

“Good.” He’s glad to be at work and not dealing with his parent’s drama today. “Nothing too crazy. Run of the mill stuff. A few medical emergencies. There was a dumpster fire at the high school. No major fires though.” He gives a rundown of the stations calls.

Carina hums and nods. “Is Maya upstairs?”

“Not sure.”

“Okay, I’ll find her.” Carina gives Travis a friendly smile before starting up on a hunt for her wife. She takes the stairs two at a time, eager to see Maya.

In the beanery, Carina finds Ben and Sullivan holding a card game of some kind. The rest of the room is quiet. There isn’t anyone else in sight. The feeling in the firehouse is different than Carina has ever felt. She knows that Vic isn’t on shift. That there’s a replacement for her somewhere in this building. Jack is probably hiding somewhere. There’s also likely a replacement for Dean, though, since that was a more permanent thing Maya had mentioned that they were having a hard time finding someone to permanently replace Dean.

“Hey.” She gets the men’s attention.

“Hey, Carina.” Ben looks up and smiles over.

Sullivan only nods. The argument he and Carina had is the last thing in this mind regarding the Italian. He stands by what he said.

“Last I saw, Maya she was in the lounge.”

Just as Carina is about to move in that direction, something out of the corner of her eyes gets her attention.

Maya peeks her head out the door. “I thought I heard your voice.” She grins.

“Ciao, bella.” Carina has a matching grin of her own. Quick steps take her across the room, her hand finds Maya’s hip, her lips find Maya’s for a chaste kiss. “How’s your shift been?”

She takes a step back and motions for Carina to enter. Maya resumes her spot in the recliner before patting the space on the chair between her thighs.

Carina raises an eyebrow. They usually refrain on PDA in the workplace. Other than a quick kiss in hello or goodbye they tend to be rather professional. Now when Maya was captain, that wasn’t always the case. But when Maya was captain, she had her own office with a private bunk.

She gets it though, the PDA. It’s more of a feeling than anything either one of them has said. This period they are in is full of emotions. Both from Dean’s passing, Victoria’s injuries, and the beginning stages of their journey to having a baby. Maya wants Carina close, ever now at work, and she understands that.

She sets her bag on the floor next to the recliner. Since no one else seems to be around, she thinks they’ll be able to get away with this flawlessly. She sits in Maya’s lap and before she’s settled her feet and legs are flinging up in the air as Maya reclines the chair.

The blonde chuckles and Carina panic grabs at the armrests. “I won’t let anything happen to you.” She wraps her arms around her wife’s middle and presses and kiss to the side of her head.

“What are you doing in here?”

“I didn’t want to play cards.” She shrugs, rubbing her nose in Carina’s hair, inhaling the scent of her shampoo.

“Did you guys have lunch?”

“Beckett ordered us pizza.” The words are foreign to Maya. That’s not something they do. It’s probably not something they should even be doing.

But morale is low, and pizza always motivates or at the very least brings the mood up.

“Was it good?” Carina runs her fingertips over Maya’s forearms that are covering her stomach.

“Not as good as your pizza.”

Carina smirks. “What are you plans for your day off tomorrow? Just sleeping?” She hopes Maya doesn’t have plans to go visit Vic or spend time with Andy or something. That would ruin what she has planned for them.

“Yeah, probably. Do we need groceries or anything?”

Carina tips her head, craning her neck so she can look back at Maya. “No. I just went grocery shopping, actually. You don’t need to worry about groceries.”

“Then I’ll do laundry or dishes or something.” She thinks it’ll be good if she does some of the things around the house. Maya knows she’s been slacking since Dean’s death.

Carina hums. “If you want.” She has been taking care of most of the household chores since Dean’s died but it could be good for Maya to get back into the swing of shared responsibility.

“I didn’t know you were coming here.” Maya tips her head against Carina’s, sighing. She shifts her arms, moving her hands so they can tangle and play with Carina’s. Keeping them close.

“I didn’t either. Spontaneous. Which I know you hate. I was on the way back from the store. I thought I would stop in, see if you were around.” She wants to remain casual and not give away her plans for their day tomorrow. But it’s very hard.

“I’m here.” Maya smiles.

“I know.” Carina squeezes Maya’s hands in her own.

She might not be a fan of spontaneity but she is a fan of her wife and Maya doesn’t think there would ever be a time when Carina showed up at the station and she was unwelcome or unwanted. “I’m happy you stopped by.”

“Me too, bella.” Carina is glad they got some time together. Literally anything could be happening here when Carina shows up. They could be out on a call, they could be doing maintenance, they could be restocking the trucks, cleaning equipment, changing out parts, hoses, fittings. The oven could be on fire.

“Did you guys get that new oven yet?”

“It’s coming tomorrow. Probably why Beckett ordered pizza.” It has been difficult making meals without a functioning oven. “The stovetop still worked, but Ben complains that it’s a fire and safety hazard to use it cuz it could be damaged. Jack groans that we’ll just put the fire out, again.”

“The new oven will be helpful.”

“Yes, very.” She basks in her Carina time. She’s off work tomorrow but Carina isn’t. So when she gets home Carina will be leaving for work. It’s an unfortunate part of their lives, but they mostly handle it well. Except when one of them wants the other extra close. Like now.

A call comes in and Maya’s listens to the dispatch. “That’s me.” She claps her hands against Carina’s hips to get her up. “I gotta go. I love you.” She dashes off.

“I love you, bella.” Carina hurries after Maya, out of the room, and just catch sight of her wife as she grabs onto the fire pole with her hands, wrapping a leg around it and sliding down. She delights in the sight, feeling aroused and lucky to have such a sexy woman with any arguable sexy job as a wife. Carina knows there are definitely parts of Maya’s job that aren’t sexy but the sexy parts are very hot and sexy.

When she gets home she still has thoughts of Maya sliding down the pole in her mind. She uses putting groceries away and making a cake for tomorrow as distractions. Carina also picks out what to wear for their ‘baby making’ day.


Carina gets up early in the morning, starts on breakfast, does her hair, puts on her sexy lingerie. And waits for Maya to get home. The most excoriating part. She’s excited about today. She’s happy that they have this opportunity. She wants them to be able to have the things that, perhaps, a heterosexual couple might in the journey to having a baby. Carina knows not everyone sets up a romantic day or date ahead of baby making. That, often times, it’s in the moment, or it just happens. She wishes it could just happen for them.

But that’s not the reality that she and Maya are in; so, if they are going to have tests, and procedures and pokes and sticks from needles this is an opportunity to have a moment where they can pretend that all of that stuff isn’t necessary. Before the entire medical side comes into play.

She hears the door open and is excited that Maya is home. She fluffs her hair one more time, pulls her boobs up in her bra, and heads out into the kitchen.

“Um- Carina, am I in the right apartment?”

Carina grabs the two glasses of wine from the tiny island as she spins towards Maya. “Sorpresa.”

The blonde spins around to see Carina in sexy lingerie and isn’t sure what to say. It’s a very enticing look but what comes out of her mouth is anything but a compliment. “You- are supposed to be at work.” It’s dumb but she’s a little confused as to what Carina is doing here and what all the candles and flowers and food is for.

“I’m not working for the next two days.”

Maya gasps a little. Whatever this is, Carina has taken off work for it. She looks around and can’t really believe what she is seeing. It’s all so much and yet Maya is very endeared by it. Sipping her wine, Carina leans into her for a kiss. Her hand finds Carina’s hip automatically, pulling Carina into her body to deepen the kiss just a bit.

She pulls away still stunned by the transformation of their apartment. “But- there is a lot of red.” She walks away from Carina.

The reaction that Maya gives isn’t unsurprising to Carina. She’s learned that Maya isn’t one for big surprises. She isn’t someone that accepts something being done for her straight away. Carina knows that Maya will need a minute or two to get over the fact that the flowers and wine and food are all happening. And after that they can move on to other activities. She takes a drink of her own wine as she let’s Maya soak it all in.

“We’re making a baby.” She clues Maya in on what this is all about. Red is the color of love. And she wants their baby to be made with love. “And I want to have all the romance and all the sex that comes with making a baby.”

“Even though we’re picking a sperm donor from a very unsexy sperm bank.”

“Exactly.” Carina sets her glass of wine down and then takes Maya’s glass from her. “Life has been so hard.” Maya hums. “And so difficult.”

“Mm-hmm.” She loves that Carina has some sort of plan here. That she is taking control right now. Carina in control is always very sexy. The romance of the room, Carina’s very sexy outfit, and the fact that she is unzipping her coat as she speaks are all very noticeable. Maya thinks about how much crap they’ve gone through recently. This baby making business could prove to be a very good pivot for them.

“And-“ Carina pulls Maya’s left sleeve off, spinning around behind her. “-so much pain and so much grief.” She gets the other sleeve, ducking around Maya to see the little smirk of delight on her lips at what is happening. “I just think we need a little bit of something different.” She throws Maya’s jacket across the room and wraps her arms around the blonde’s shoulders. “And you- need a massage.” She whispers sweetly to her wife, pressing into her back, leaning against her shoulders.

Maya groans. She grabs at Carina’s hand as it does to wrap around her throat. “I really do.” Both her hands find Carina’s wrists and hands, holding on to wonderfully elegant fingers and hands. Ones that she imagines massaging her skin.

“Prego.” Carina offers for Maya to sit on their couch so she can start the massage.

Maya looks at Carina to see if she is serious. When she doesn’t get any indication that her wife is just goofing around, Maya moves to sit.

Carina pulls her shawl from her right shoulder, revealing a little more skin. “And I am going to be your very sexy massage therapist today.” She reaches down for Maya’s foot and shoe.

“Ohhhh.” Maya chuckles. “The surprises keep coming.”

Carina bites her lip, going for it, one hundred percent in on the whole massage thing. She pulls Maya’s shoe off and throws it on the floor, working her palms over and up Mayas ankle.

“Carina.” Maya sits forward though, pausing the massage. She pulls her foot to the floor, and slides forward onto the edge of the couch cushion. “This is-“

“What?” She meets Maya, tipping her face towards the brunette. The Italian tips her head to the side, ready to kiss Maya’s very kissable lips.

“This is so romantic.”

Carina nods and tucks Maya’s hair between her fingers as she moves in for a romantic kiss. Her other hand finds Maya’s cheek too, pulling her further into the kiss.

Maya reaches out and latches onto Carina’s forearms and leans harder into their kiss. “I love you.” She whispers into Carina’s lips before kissing them again.

“Ti amo, bambina. Tell me what you think about today?” Carina rests her forehead against Maya’s.

“I think you are very good at surprises. Though, I don’t like the idea of a surprise. I love the idea of-“ She waves hand around at the room. “All this. You’ve really outdone yourself, my love.”

Carina smiles sappily. “I want us to feel the romance. Live it. Breath it. Taste it.”

“You have. I do. I do, all of those things. I’m a bit speechless.” Maya presses her lips to Carina’s in a soft kiss. “So-?”

Carina chuckles. “How about that massage now?”

“I would love your hands all over my body. Yes, please.” Maya grins.

She wants to know if they should move to the bedroom for this. “Here?” Carina quirks an eyebrow.

“What if we start here?”

Carina runs her hands up Maya’s thighs. “And?”

“And then move to the bedroom.” She sets her palms on top of Carina’s hands as they slide up and down her thighs.

“Molto bene.” Carina whispers. Sitting back, she takes Maya’s ankle in her hands again. This time pulling the sock from a foot.

Maya leans back and watching Carina’s hands work. She very much enjoys the brunette’s hands on her. She savors in the experience.

Carina’s hands work up Maya’s calf to her knee, fingers travel inward from that point.

Maya hums in delight.

Those fingers find the elastic waist of Maya’s black leggings.

“I don’t know what kind of masseuse takes your clothes off, but I like it.” The blonde licks her lips in anticipation.

Carina only smirks. She pinches at the waist band and the blonde lifts up so the item can be pulled off. Hands work down Maya’s legs now, returning to her right foot. Thumbs press into the arch of that foot and Maya moans obscenely loudly. “Damn.” Carina presses hard and Maya groans in pain. “Okay, less.”

Maya glances over at the table. The massage is wonderful, amazing but there’s a table full of food that she’s only glanced at. “Carina?” She gets the Italian to stop, despite Maya really enjoying the massage once it turned soft again and Carina wasn’t grinding down on her feet. “Should we eat?”

“If you want.” She sees Maya’s blue eyes sparkling and knows something is coming.

“Yeah, that’s a lot of food.” The blonde teases.

Carina rolls her eyes playfully. “Food equals love for us Italians.”

“I know it does.” Maya hums. She’ll never forget Carina bringing her lasagna after the first time they slept together. She didn’t know what that lasagna meant at the time but looking back on it, it’s one of Maya’s favorite things about how they started.

She looks over at the table full of food. “So that’s how much you love me? A table full of food worth?”

“Stop, bella.” Carina sighs in exasperation. “There’s more food in the fridge and cake.”

“A table and a fridge full of food plus cake.” Maya chuckles. “And a sexy massage. How did I get so lucky?” She meant to just think that last part, but the words slipped out.

“You? Me. I’m so lucky. When I saw you slide down that fire pole yesterday-“ Carina thinks back, biting her lip as she does.

“So you’re only with me cuz I’m a hot firefighter?” She raises a challenging eyebrow.

The Italian shakes her head. “That’s only one of the reasons.” She smirks.

Maya laughs. “Should we eat? Before?”

There’s a nod from Carina now. She would hate for all that food to go to waste.

They sit side by side at the table. Carina pouring more wine.

“Wine for breakfast.” Maya grins as she holds her glass still for the pour.

“I could put all this away and we could wait until the end of the day.” The Italian threatens at Maya’s tease.

“No. No. No.” Maya sips some wine. “We should very much continue.” She dabbles in a little bit of everything that is on the table. She lets Carina know how much she appreciates this. She appreciates that they are doing this. It could be so clinical, making a baby. Maya knows that. This is anything but clinical. This is so very much her wife. And, for that, Maya is grateful.

“You are very sexy.” Maya compliments as they near the end of their breakfast. “If I hadn’t mentioned it already. You are absolutely the most gorgeous, sexy woman on the planet.” She licks her lips. “And this-“ She plucks at Carina’s cover up shawl. “Where’d you get this?” It’s not something Maya has seen before.

“Oh, just something I picked up.” She shrugs.

“Well, I approve.” Maya licks her lips, finding mesmerizing brown eyes as she does so.

Carina wrinkles her brows together. She’s going to grill Maya on that statement. “You approve? I need your approval now for things that I wear or buy?”

“No.” Maya smiles. “Not at all. You buy whatever you like. You wear whatever you like. It’s your body.”

Carina hums. It might be her body, but she wants Maya all over it. Maya’s hands, and lips. All of Maya over all of her. “Make love to me, bambina.”

It’s Maya’s turn to hum now. “Is that what all this is about?” She teases but gets to her feet. She holds out her hand and helps Carina to her feet. Her hands find the brunette’s waist as she leans in for a passionate kiss, desire taking over.

The stumble their way to the bedroom; too busy sucking face to watch where they are going.

“Maya.” Carina gasps for air. Desire swirls in her belly as Maya’s hand grip at her sides.

The blonde hums. She takes a step backwards, keeping Carina at arm’s length. Her wife is gorgeous. She’s never going to completely believe it. But here they are. Maya glances over her shoulder at the bed. “Sit.” She motions with her head.

Carina moves to sit but just before she does, Maya stops her. “Which one is it, bella?”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Can we-“ She licks her lips, still nervous as the first time to ask for something in bed. “Take this off.” She thumbs at Carina’s cover up.

“Of course.” She shrugs the item off. “Anything else?”

She reaches up, cupping Carina’s left breast. “You are so beautiful. I probably don’t say it enough. But I hope you know. I think you are so beautiful. I think- I hope my actions partially make up for my lack of words.”

“Bella.” Carina coos. She knows that Maya thinks she is beautiful and the thought that Maya thinks she has to say so all the time is silly to her. “I know and you do a pretty good job of showing me even if telling me is a little less. But actions speak louder than words, right?”

Maya only nods, her hand shifting, squeezing. “Will you take this off?”

Carina licks her lips. “Will you take it off for me? Slowly?”

Blue eyes flicker from Carina’s chest to her eyes. She watches as her wife smiles genuinely. Not in the least big teasing. Though, a bit wolfish, waiting to see how Maya is going to react.

First, she has to figure out how to remove the bustier. She slips around to Carina’s backside to get a better look. Maya is good with her hands and great with problem solving. She makes quick work of the clasps on the back that harness the item together. Hands snake up under Carina’s arms, taking hearty handfuls of Carina’s breasts.

The doctor moans and leans into the touch. Thumbs stroke over nipples lightly, barely teasing.

She presses up against Carina from behind, bodies molding together. Maya hands slip down over Carina’s stomach.

Carina tips her head back against Maya’s shoulder.

Looking down at Carina’s exposed breasts, her hands on the brunette’s stomach and her high waisted briefs, Maya needs more. The fingers on her right hand twitch, aching. Maya moves her hand lower, toying with the material, waiting for a reaction from Carina.

“Yes, bella.” Carina whispers.

Maya takes Carina’s permission and slips her fingers into those delectable underwear, taking her time, feeling over Carina, rubbing lightly, searching for moisture.

Carina rolls her hips. She wants friction. She wants more.

This isn’t what Maya had envisioned. Them standing next to the bed, with her hand in Carina’s underwear. But it isn’t any less amazing. She strokes through Carina’s folds; her other hand reaches up and pinches Carina’s left nipple, eliciting a delightful little moan from the Italian. She loves all of Carina’s moans but it’s the smallest, tiniest ones that are her favorite. The little ones that are more of a whine than a moan.

She circles Carina’s entrance, asking the question.

“Si, bambina.”

Maya tips her hand, flexing her wrist, fingers rock up and inside Carina; stilling as Carina adjusts, before she hums and rocks against them. Maya knows that’s her cue. She slips in and out of her wife with two fingers, working her towards orgasm. Maya adds her thumb into the mix, pressing and stroking over Carina’s clit. Her left hand lays flat over Carina’s stomach.

It’s the most beautiful sight when Maya looks down. Full breasts jiggling a bit with their movement. Carina’s wonderful tummy. And then her hand between Carina’s legs. She presses her lips to Carina’s shoulder, dragging them across skin until they find her neck, laying wet kisses there.

She wishes she weren’t still wearing her shirt and bra. She wishes she could feel Carina’s back as it pressed into her front, as her nipples rub, hard, against Carina’s smooth skin.

“Ma-Maya.” The Italian stutters out the name. She’s so close to the edge. Her whole body tingles with electricity. Her hands reach back and grip at the blonde’s hips and ass, haphazardly. Maya’s touch, Maya’s body, Maya’s all consuming everything drives her crazy.

Fingers walk up Carina’s abdomen, over ribs, until the meet a breast again. She squeezes gently before pinching Carina’s nipple and twisting it.

The brunette cries out in pleasure. “Again.”

Maya pinches and twists combined with a few rapid strokes of Carina’s clit, and she is clenching around fingers, moaning in Maya’s ear, nails digging into skin, and hips jerking as she arches into the orgasm.

The beautiful synchronicity of it all is never lost on Maya. A practiced dance, a rhythm between them that is mostly unspoken and somehow complete.

Carina body sags a little bit following her orgasm. Maya holds her up though with a secure arm around her waist.

They stand there swaying for a moment, heads rested together, catching their breath, and living in the bliss that follows.

“Maya?”

“Hmm?”

“That wasn’t what I meant when I said make love to me.”

Maya chuckles. “I didn’t see you stopping me or requesting something different.”

Carina pulls herself away from the blonde, missing her warmth immediately. She spins around, facing Maya now, hands caressing flushed cheeks. “How is your face red already?” She clicks her tongue. The fact that Maya’s cheeks and neck and chest get flushed during their sexual encounters is super endearing to her. It tells her that Maya is worked up, horny, ready to give and ready to receive. Or after, it tells Carina that the blonde has just had a mind blowing orgasm.

“Because kissing you, touching you, fucking you turns me on.” The blonde shrugs. “Gets my blood pumping. I’m just a big horndog for you and your amazing everything. Plus, I just got to watch you come all over my hand.”

“I love you.” Carina is at a loss for anything else to say. She pulls Maya into a rough kiss before pushing her down onto the bed.

“Take your shirt off.” She stands between the legs that dangle off the side of the bed.

Maya sits up and pulls her shirt over her head.

“That too.” She points at Maya’s bra.

“You wanna do it?” Maya smirks sassily. She has missed Carina’s hands on her in the time that she spent pleasuring the brunette. Now, she thinks she should get some kind of reward.

Carina hums. “Should I do like you did to me?”

Maya thinks that would be amazing.

At a lack of response from the blonde, Carina crawls onto the bed and positions herself so that she is sitting behind her wife, her legs bracketing Maya’s.

Immediately, Maya’s hands find Carina’s thighs, rubbing over them and humming as her wife molds herself around Maya’s body. Arms wrap around Maya’s waist, and she feels Carina leans into her from behind and the extra little effort that she puts into rubbing herself against Maya.

“Touch me, please.” She hates to ask, to sound like she’s begging for something, but Maya is super worked up and needs Carina’s hands on her now.

The Italian chuckles. Her hands coast across abs and Maya’s belly button. She stops there to circle around it with her index finger a few times. Much like she was with Maya, the firefighter tips her head back onto Carina’s shoulder.

“Kiss me.” Maya pants.

The angle is awkward, but their lips connect in sloppy kiss. And as they are kissing Carina reaches down running one finger through Maya’s wet pussy.

She gasps as Carina strokes over her. Little breathy moans and pants as Carina rubs at her clit. Maya grips at Carina’s knees. But then Carina’s fingers are gone. She blinks a few times trying to figure out why the sudden absence.

“I want to see you touch yourself, bella.” Her tone low, sultry.

Maya licks her lips, swallowing thickly. Over the years she’s gotten less self-conscious about this but masturbating in front of Carina still gives her pause.

“Do it.” Carina says more forcefully. She reaches under the blonde’s arms and grabs two hands of supple breasts, kneading at them, moaning herself.

She’s not opposed but Maya gets a little nervous. The hands on her boobs urge her along though. She loves when Carina plays with her boobs, and she knows she’ll stop if she doesn’t touch herself. Maya reaches down and she tentatively touches herself. She’s super sensitive and the smallest touch has her humming.

“That’s good, bella.” Carina praises. “Add a little pressure now.”

Maya nods, following Carina’s instructions.

Her lips find Maya’s shoulder, coasting gentle kisses across skin. Her hands gently palm Maya’s breasts, not entirely kneading or squeezing. Thumbs static but just held still against supple skin. Holding more than anything. Carina watches as Maya touches with more intensity, with more certainty, with more purpose.

“Carina.” Maya groans out her name.

“I know, bambina. Let go. Just let go.” Carina whispers, her hands slipping down to Maya’s waist, they itch to touch where Maya is touching. She restrains her hands though. She wants Maya to finish this herself. Her hand comes down to cover Maya’s, though, unable to continue her restraint. Lips find the blonde’s shoulder again, this time working towards her neck. Carina places wet kisses against the nape of Maya’s neck.

Maya’s orgasm rolls through her body like a fire rolling through a forest. It’s all consuming. That coupled with Carina surrounding her has her muscles seizing, her back arching, her throat humming, and her fingers stroking out every last ounce of pleasure that she can find.

She slumps back against her wife. Carina holding her up as hands ghost over skin. As her lips still pay attention to her neck and shoulder. “You are always so beautiful when you cum.” She hums.

The words pull a long moan from Maya.

Carina takes Maya’s hand from between her legs and pulls it up to her mouth, sucking her fingers clean with a delightful little moan of her own. “Always so good.”

Maya clenches her thighs together. The thought of just spinning around and getting on top of Carina crosses her mind. But then Carina is pulling her hand away from her tongue and her lips and scooting backwards away from her.

“Lay with me.” Carina whispers.

Notes:

To be continued...

Chapter 65

Notes:

-multiple orgasms in this chapter and more sexytime (NSFW) than I think I’ve ever written in a single chapter so that was a bit of a challenge. We pick up where we left off (the second half of 5.7). Full disclosure, I had about half of this chapter prepared before last week’s episode and boy was it hard to finish this. All I kept hearing in my head as ‘how could you do this? Get back here.’ It’s so far away from what this chapter is that it was hard to disconnect the two. Enjoy! Whether you read this before or after tonites episode i hope that it brings plenty of light and love and comfort. Thanks to all.

Chapter Text

Carina leans off to the left while Maya’s lays down to her right. The blonde pulls the sheet around her waist while Carina is a little more liberal in her nudity. They are in the safety of the bedroom; Carina sees no need to cover up. But after a little bit, the chilly air makes goosebumps prick up on her skin and Carina covers up with the sheet.

The space between them quiet. The moving of arms and hands, legs rustling the sheets the only minor noises. Quiet, content sighs and hums fill the air from time to time. It’s mostly Maya just staring at Carina in all her glory and Carina watching as Maya’s eyes take her in. There is no need for words. A simple presence and the appreciation of each other is enough for both of them for a while.

Though, Carina thinks on that appreciation. “I feel so blessed that we are doing this.” She breaks the silence.

Maya runs her finger over the sheet that cover’s Carina’s legs, barely pressing against the skin that resides below. “Blessed?”

“Si, blessed.” Carina shifts, her palm stroking across Maya’s inner thigh.

She loves Carina’s hands. She loves Carina’s hands on her. She craves those hands and the love they hold within them. Maya loves, always, the softest, gentlest touches after love making. “Blessed like god bless you?”

Carina smiles and shakes her head at her goofy girl. “I did not sneeze.”

“Like church?” Maya teases with a lopsided grin.

“Maya.” The brunette chides lightly, trying to be serious. “I am blessed to be able to share this space with you-“

“Our safe space.”

“The safest.” Carina agrees. There is no place she feels safer and more connected with Maya than in their bedroom. “I’m blessed to share my space and time and love and life with you. Let’s make a list.” She picks up on Maya’s affinity for lists.

“What kind of list?” Maya wiggles her eyebrows, thinking sassy thoughts. But probably thinking those thoughts because Carina keeps caressing her thigh with her fingertips and hand. It’s the loveliest kind of distraction. It also makes her crave other things from Carina.

“A list of our blessings. I’ll start. I’m blessed to have a career that affords me the opportunity to help people with vaginas. I’m blessed that career has led me to you and us and the opportunity to make a baby. So, opportunity, I suppose.” She shrugs lightly. This is supposed to be a light cute thing, but she starts with a serious, important blessing.

Maya hums and nods. Her fingers wander Carina’s body, trying to decide where to touch, hold, caress. She thinks about her beauty and how they lay together so effortlessly. She kisses against Carina’s golden shoulder.

Carina strokes her fingers over the inside of Maya’s thigh, the skin so tender, so soft when not in use, but so strong when Maya is active. She is forever enthralled by Maya’s body and all that it has done and all that it is capable of. “Mmm, number two?” Carina prompts.

She reaches out, stroking her finger over Carina’s chin. “This freckle.” Her lips find shoulder skin again, her hand on Carina’s bicep. While Maya has ghost like color to her skin, Carina’s is radiant and warm and golden. It’s almost as if the skin glows and Maya knows it is from the area of the earth where she grew up; but she’s grateful that it has traveled around the world with Carina. Her wife has absolutely beautiful skin tone.

“It’s a beauty mark.” The Italian corrects. It’s not lost on her that Maya points it out, though, because she has complained to Maya more than once that she wishes it weren’t there. And every time, Maya insists that she likes that it’s there; that it’s unique and so very Carina.

She picks at the sheet that covers Maya’s thigh, knowing that she’s the only one who gets to see and touch and kiss this spot. It’s reserved for her. And Carina gives the soft skin the attention she thinks it deserves. “We’re counting blessings not body parts.” She says cutely to try to get Maya back on track.

She slides her hand down to Carina’s arm, gripping at her elbow lightly. “Well, I am feeling very blessed by your body parts.”

Now that Maya’s fingers are in hers, Carina raises them to her lips, kissing the knuckles softly. “Number three, a healthy body.” She glances up at the ceiling before laying her eyes on Maya again. She knows she’s going to get crap for saying that, but if they want to have a baby and raise a family it is helpful and a blessing to be healthy.

“See.” Maya bites her lip. “Number four-“ She lets Carina play with her fingers. “You are turning what could’ve been a day full of grief and housekeeping into the most romantic day of my life.” She has to keep from moaning as she watches Carina bite on her pinkie finger. Her wife is so sexy.

It’s surprising to hear that Maya thinks today is the most romantic day. She would have thought that would have been their wedding. Sure, it was thrown together quickly, and she was out of the country for most of that. It was a wonderful, beautiful day despite it being quick. And romantic for sure. “Aside from our wedding?” She lowers Maya’s hand away from her face. That has to be the most romantic day, right? Maya can’t think it wasn’t, can she?

“Well, that one got a little dinged-“ She looks down at the bed sheets, still a little ashamed and still very upset that it happened on their wedding day. “-by the whole losing my job thing.”

Carina closes one eye. She tries to forget that happened at their wedding. “Mmm, right.” She never wants to bring it up, but it is fact. It’s just easier to separate the two and think that their wedding was perfect and amazing, and that the Chief of Seattle Fire didn’t totally put a damper on the entire day.

“Okay, number five.” Carina moves them forward, not wanting to get stuck on the job loss. She grins as she thinks of something that not everyone gets. She tries to wiggle her eyebrows a little and it pulls an inquisitive hum from Maya.

“Multiple orgasms.” She moves in towards Maya as she says the words. It feels like they were both thinking the same thing at the same time. She kisses Maya and rolls her onto her back at the same time.

Maya’s hand come up to bracket her face and keep Carina near.

“I am blessed with a wife with amazing hands and an amazing tongue.” Carina’s lips find Maya’s neck and then shoulder.

“Carina.” Maya is panting already as Carina presses down against her, pushing her into the mattress, pressing their bodies together gloriously.

“You like that, bella.” She teases.

“I love it. I love you.” Maya moans.

Carina smirks, settling on her elbows and looking down at Maya. She reaches up and tucks some hair away from Maya’s face and behind her ear. “You are so beautiful.” She’s all up in the feelings of love today. When she planned their romantic day, she didn’t think about how it would feel. But it feels wonderful to be with Maya; to feel with Maya; to share in this baby making adventure with Maya.

Maya rolls her head to the side, looking away from her wife’s intense eyes.

“No.” Carina whispers and tips Maya’s head back. “Look at me, bella. I love you. So completely. Those blessings, our blessings- they mean the world to me. You mean the world to me. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have found you.”

“Are you trying to make me cry?” Maya wiggles her nose, trying to prevent the tears and the itchy feeling the produce in her nostrils. “I thought we were having orgasms.”

Carina bites her lips. “We are having orgasms. Sorry. I got overwhelmed by our love.” She looks away now.

“Hey.” Maya whispers as her hands bracket Carina’s cheeks. “You can be overwhelmed. You can share that with me. As long as we are also sharing orgasms.” She grins.

“Aye.” Carina rolls her eyes.

“I love you, Carina.” She pulls her wife down into a kiss. Sweet and full of love. The teary emotions dissipate and all that’s left is pure love.

“Can I-“ Carina wants to know if they should switch positions.

“Yes.” Maya says. For as much as she loves being on top, she loves to see Carina topping her.

The sheet hangs loosely around Carina’s waist. Maya pushes it down, her hands finding Carina’s ass and giving it a gentle squeeze. Carina rolls her hips and moans. Maya likes that and squeezes harder. And again, Carina rolls her hips and moans. Honey brown hooded eyes stare down at her, a delicate mouth hangs open slightly. Her wife is absolutely beautiful all of the time.

“Fuck me with you fingers.” Maya requests. “Like this.” She wants to have Carina on top of her.

Carina smirks. She loves when Maya asks for something. Absolutely positively loves it. It brings a little thrill. She shifts over the blonde right thigh, depositing herself there. Both of them moaning at the contact. She rubs herself against Maya for a moment.

Her hands find Carina’s waist, running little circles over her back and ribs, anywhere she can reach on Carina’s back. She waits, holding her breath. Luckily that wait isn’t long before Carina is reaching between them. Skilled fingers stroke through her soaked folds, as they rub over that spot that makes her arch from the mattress.

But then those fingers still and lips are pressed to her sternum, her collarbone, the hollow of her throat.

Carina licks, lapping at delicious skin. The flush of it still one of the most beautiful things about Maya in the throes of passion. How the red blotchy skin gives her away. She licks and kisses at that skin, slipping lower until she reaches the supple feel of a weighty breast. Her tongue finds the nipple circling it, perking it up, before sucking. Fingernails dig into her back and Carina hums at the slight pain.

“Carina.” She pinches her legs around Carina’s hand.

Lips moves to the other breast, giving it equal attention before finally looking up, before finding big blue eyes, before kissing Maya’s lips.

One of Maya’s hands comes up and cradles Carina’s face. A signal that she doesn’t want her to leave again.

“Okay.” Carina receives this signal. She stays there, watching Maya’s face, watching her eyes as they shift, as they try to remain open. She watches as Maya’s head tips back as her mouth hangs open, as she breathes heavily through her nose.

She presses her lips to Maya’s cheek, resting her nose against her cheekbone for a moment.

Meanwhile, her fingers to that lovely thing they do. Stroking, fluttering, thrusting inside Maya until her wife is gasping for air.

“Breathe, bella.”

The feeling so intense that Maya forgets to breathe, holds her breath, as the coil inside her tightens and tightens. Her chest hammers in her chest. And then Carina rolls her hips against her thigh. That combined with her thrusty fingers and the pressure of her thumb against her clit sends Maya barreling over the edge.

Carina rubs her wet fingers against the inside of Maya’s thighs. She sits up a little, getting a peek between them as Maya lays completely spent and catching her breath. Her lips find Maya’s chest grazing light kisses across her skin, finding her shoulder, eventually tipping her forehead against it. The urge to just rub herself against Maya is strong. Stronger than she thought it could be but making love to her wife, especially today, seems to have pulled some extra urges out of her.

She settles back onto her elbows again, looking down at her wife. “Sei bellissima.” She whispers.

Blue eyes lock onto brown. “That was beautiful.”

The words cause Carina to chuckle.

Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows, forcing Carina backwards a bit. But it supplies her with the opportunity to latch onto a loose boob that sways in the breeze, lips wrapping around the nipple, sucking.

Carina grinds herself against Maya’s thigh now. A bit in surprise and a bit out of need. “Maya, dio mio.” She tips her head back; it feels so good.

She could keep going like this until she finds that climax. She knows it wouldn’t take long. It never seems to take long except for when they purposefully want it to, which isn’t very often. Once the foreplay and teasing are over and the pleasure starts, it’s like there’s little either one of them can do to stop it from increasing and coming to a head.

“Wait. Wait.” She lifts herself from Maya’s thigh with a hiss. Maya’s lips pop off her breast.

The blonde quirks an eyebrow. “Cosa?”

Carina smirks. Usually, she’s the one using Italian during sex. “Voglio-“ She licks her lips. Action takes over. She shuffles up the bed, still bracketing Maya’s body, as her knees move either side of her hips and then waist, shoulders. She sits atop Maya’s chest.

Her hands find Carina’s ass once more. The pressure on her chest intense and Carina isn’t going to be able to sit there for long. She quirks an eyebrow, thinking she knows where this is headed. Maya tips her chin to her sternum and gets a good close up look at Carina’s swollen, wet lips; her engorged, throbbing clit. She licks her lips and swallows thickly. “Okay.”

Carina lifts up onto her knees before shuffling that little bit more until she is lined up over Maya’s mouth.

The blonde runs her palms up and down the backs of Carina’s thighs. “God, I love you.” She whispers, like a prayer.

She bites at her lip as she lowers herself onto Maya’s face. Strong hands grip at her thighs and Carina hums and rocks against Maya. She grips at the top frame of the headboard. Maya’s tongue laps at her entrance before poking inside, twirling around and then lapping again.

Maya tips her head back as best as she can to connect her lips around Carina’s throbbing clit. Connecting and sucking hard. She flicks out with the tip of her tongue.

Carina rolls her hips and moans loudly. She wants to just let go and put all her weight on Maya’s face and neck, but she so doesn’t need her wife injured in any way. So, Carina continues to ride Maya’s face and tongue with little pressure. Canting up, almost making Maya reach for her. A tickle of the tongue instead of lapping feels magnificent. The feeling sending tingles from her core up her spine. Fingers dig into her ass and thighs urge her on.

She rides Maya’s face as Maya laps at all that Carina provides. The pressure gets to the point where Carina can’t resist just sitting right on Maya’s face, rubbing against her, finding friction as Maya continues to lick and lap at her. She tips her hips back so the most sensitive bud is lined up with Maya’s lips and mouth and tongue.

She moans as Maya alternates between sucking and licking. Her grip on the headboard so tight it causes white knuckles.

Maya flicks over Carina’s clit rapidly and hears her wife’s moans and feels a gush of wetness against her face.

As Carina comes down from her high, Maya gentle licks her clean.

She rolls off to the side, flopping down on her back next to Maya. She rolls her head and looks over at the blonde. Maya face shiny with wetness; her mouth hanging open and her lungs heaving for air. Carina reaches over, stroking her thumb down Maya’s cheek and over her chin.

That gets Maya’s attention, and she looks over and smiles softly at Carina.

“You’re so beautiful.” Carina sighs, overcome by everything that Maya is. She holds out her hand and Maya grasps it.

The blonde’s smile turns bashful. Carina stares at her with confident, quiet, intense love. She knows love is a feeling, but she can see it pouring from Carina’s eyes. She rolls on her side, hand cupping Carina’s far cheek and leans into her wife for a soft kiss.

Carina moans into the sweet kiss, the taste of herself still on Maya’s lips and tongue. She’s so in love with Maya. She can feel it in every limb, every bone. Her body screams out for Maya. Her hand that isn’t holding the blonde runs lightly up and down her back and side.

There’s really nothing like the love they have for each other and how it’s expressed in the physical.  Carina wishes she could bottle up the heady feeling to keep for hard days; to pull out and open it and drink it up or breath it in.

Maya’s lips move to her wife’s cheek. She loves every part of Carina. She shows her that love now through soft lazy kisses. There’s nothing better than just lying in bed with Carina and being able to be completely at peace for a bit. There’s nothing going through her mind other than Carina. The love making, the kisses, the touches. The feeling of being together. Physically, mentally in the same space, on the same page, thinking and feeling the same things at the same time.

Her lips glide across Carina’s cheek, moving to her neck.

Carina wraps her legs around Maya’s hips. She’s always so weak when Maya kisses on her neck. She pulls the blonde into her body, arms and legs holding her close, nails scratching lightly at Maya’s shoulder blades. She moans when Maya sucks on her skin. “Don’t- leave a mark.”

The blonde smiles against Carina’s neck. “Just wear a turtleneck when you go back to work.”

The brunette eyes roll. “Maya.” She scolds, squeezing the firefighter’s sides.

Maya pops her head up, leaning over Carina on her elbows. “I didn’t make a mark. Don’t worry, my love.” Her lips find Carina’s then, lazily. She rocks her hips against Carina, in the prefect position to get them both off if they so choose. As Carina closes her eyes Maya knows what to do next.

She scoots up just a bit, getting the position just right, and if she’s good she’ll be able to get the angle just right. If she just grinds her pelvic bone against Carina’s. If she can get their clits to rub together everything after that will be bliss.

Carina spreads herself wide, wanting more of Maya against more of her. “Maya.” It’s a breathy little moan. One to tell Maya it feels so wonderful.

Maya works in a slow steady rhythm. There’s no hurry. She rocks and rolls and Carina follows, rolls with her, their moisture mixing together.

She kisses Carina with more force then before. No more lazy kisses. Turning more to needy, passionate kisses. A lick of the lips, a tongue slipping against another.

Her focus so much on Carina that Maya is surprised as her orgasm approaches so suddenly. She tips her head back. “Car-“

Carina is ready for it. “Cum inside me.” She grips at Maya’s ass, urging her closer. She wants nothing more than to feel Maya coat them both with her essence, to take the power of Maya cumming against her to power her own orgasm forward.

Maya pants as she works towards their shared goal. Her breath hitting in puffs against Carina’s cheek. The Italian runs her hands up Maya’s back, taking her face in her hands. “Look at me.”

The blonde isn’t sure when she closed her eyes but they open again at Carina’s request. She will look at Carina at every request, every opportunity, forever. It’s amazing to her the feelings that Carina pulls from her. The love. The comfort. How a look can say and mean so much without words. Their eyes meet and, in her periphery, she sees Carina bite her lip. Her brow wrinkles.

“Ahhhhhh.” Maya moans as her orgasm takes over all her senses, all her muscles, her entire body. It’s all consuming. Her mouth hangs open.

“Keep going.” Carina whispers chasing the same high that Maya is experiencing.

Maya doubles down, her hips rolling, grinding against Carina.

“Mayaaaaaa.” She tips her head back in bliss. Her breathing uneven as muscles tingle and clench as little waves of pleasure roll over her as Maya continues to rock against her. Her hands leaving Maya’s face, finding shoulders and pushing her off. She can’t take any more.

Carina’s overwhelming pleasure brings a smirk with a little chuckle out of the blonde. The effect is not lost on Maya. She rolls over and flops down next to Carina to catch her breath. Her hand finds Carina’s hips, palming it loosely. She feels like she needs to hold onto Carina in some way, even just a hand on her leg.

The silence around them is only interrupted by their breathing and the sound of their hearts beating in their own ears. Carina sets her hand on top of Maya’s.

Once she regains her senses and the feeling in her legs, Carina rolls on top of Maya, sitting up, straddling her left thigh, rubbing herself against a strong thigh, gasping at how sensitive she is and lifting up off of Maya’s skin.

Maya’s hands find Carina’s waist, holding her still. She looks into her favorite brown eyes. They are hooded and filled with satisfaction. There’s a bit of pride that she takes in making Carina feel so good. It goes both ways, though, she knows. Carina loves to bring her to orgasm too. “That was amazing.” She whispers the words. It’s always so wonderful when they can do it together. There’s no wrong way for them to have sex but it feels more special when they are cumming together.

Carina bends, leaning in for a kiss. “It was.” She mumbles against pink lips.

Maya pushes herself up onto her elbows. At that moment, Carina’s tummy rumbles. The brunette frowns and Maya smirks. She looks at the time. They’ve been in bed for nearly two hours, and it wasn’t that long ago that they ate. “Are you hungry again?” The tease in her voice isn’t missed by Carina.

Carina tips in chin down towards her chest, embarrassed that her stomach has betrayed her again. “Well, we burned a ton of calories-“

Maya laughs. She rubs her hand over Carina’s thigh. “Then we must do something about that.”

“Plus, I have to pee.”

The blonde raises an eyebrow.

“You need to pee too.” Carina points a finger at Maya.

Maya rolls her eyes at her OB/GYN wife. “Yes, doctor.” She smirks and Carina rolls her eyes.

“Vaginal health is important to me.” Carina throws her hands up in the air. “Yours and mine, especially.”

Maya wraps her arms around Carina’s waist and pulls their chests together. She hums at the feeling of nipples rubbing against her own as each of them takes a breath. “I’m just teasing.”

Carina wraps her forearms around the back of Maya’s head, fingers lightly scratch in blonde hair. “Let’s get cleaned up and put something on so I can eat without jumping your bones.” Maya seems irresistible today. She can’t get enough.

“I have something you can eat.” She can’t help but tease her hungry wife.

“Mmm.” Carina licks her lips. “Later.” She swings her legs across Maya’s thighs and then slips to the edge of the mattress to stand. When she does her legs wobble. “Ooof.”

“What?” Maya watches.

“Oh, just shaky, wobbly, weak legs. You zapped all the strength from my legs.” She looks back at Maya over her shoulder. “All the more reason to eat something.”

“To re-energize.” Maya grins. She holds out her hand and Carina takes it, pulling her up from the mattress and out of bed. She, too, stands on weak legs. They move to the bathroom and in quiet movements clean each other with wash clothes and soap and water. Maya gulps down a glass of water as Carina pees.

“We are going to shower together later.” Carina mentions casually.

“Hmm.” Maya can’t wait.

Once they are get their bathroom break, Maya pulls on a pair of boyshorts and a random long sleeve shirt of Carina’s. Something simple. Something to cover herself per Carina’s request.

Carina simply throws her cover up back on and heads towards the kitchen, hunger taking her there. She gets out of strawberries, rinsing them and setting them aside to dry. Next, Carina gets the cake and starts cutting it. She’s been looking forward to this. Her mouth waters and she licks her lips at the sight.

“You look just as hungry for that cake as you are for me.” Maya saddles up to Carina from behind, a hand finds her hip.

Carina hums and leans into Maya. She gets a piece of cake onto a plate and then adds some strawberries. Maya nuzzles her nose against her shoulder as she prepares the plate. When she’s done, she slips away from Maya and over towards the table. Carina pulls a chair to the end of the table and then uses it to get up onto the table and sit on the glass.

She watches at first with curiosity to what Carina is doing but then with a little concern for her wife’s safety. But once she’s sitting with her butt against glass, Maya is struck once again by how sexy her wife is. She hurries over.

“Sit.” Carina points at the chair in front of her with the fork. That fork then cuts a piece off of her cake.

“You’re going to leave an ass print on the glass.” She smirks up at her wife as she sits down.

Carina merely shrugs. So what if she does. Maybe she’ll make Maya clean it off. She cuts a piece of cake and holds it out towards Maya. “Maybe I’ll boss you around and clean off my ass print like you bossed Travis around the other day.”

“What?” Maya is totally confused. “What are you talking about? I don’t boss people around. And Travis?”

Carina nods and takes another bite of cake. “Si, you told him to go take out the trash.”

“I did?” Maya doesn’t remember this. “When was this?”

“Thanksgiving.” There was a lot of chaos and a lot of feelings. And she could see Maya was struggling a bit with all of that; so she leaned into putting things in order, having structure.

Maya thinks back. She’s not sure when this was. They did do a lot that day. Set up before the meal, tear down and clean up after. “But I didn’t boss him around.”

“You did, bella.” Carina licks the cake off her lips. “You said Travis, take out the trash before you start putting the chairs away.” She holds out a fork full of cake and Maya takes it in her mouth. “You said that.” Carina teases.

“I did not say that.” She whines as she gets up to get the chocolate sauce from the fridge, thinking their cake and strawberries needs chocolate sauce.

“You did.”

“I did not.”

Carina stabs a strawberry and points it at Maya. “You did.” Her voice in a high pitched whine as she argues. “And you did it in that Maya way.” She inserts the strawberry into her mouth.

“Maya way?” She pulls open the fridge, unsure what Carina is speaking of. “What way is that?” She gets the chocolate sauce from the fridge door.

“The way when-“ She pauses to chew. “When things are not in order-“ She sets the plate to her side on the table. “You get all stiff like you’re trying to control every muscle in your body.” She seizes up her muscles making the stiff, controlled, clenched Maya Bishop face.

“What? I make that face?” She points the chocolate sauce bottle at Carina. She has no idea that this is a thing or that Carina seems to have it so accurately down to a definition.

“Oh yes.” Carina raises her arms above her head. “The face is the best part.” She loves the face. Maybe not always loving the reason for the face, though.

So, not only does Carina have a description she also has an imitation of this face.

Carina clenches her jaw, ducks her chin, and stares at Maya with steely eyes. “I’m Maya Bishop.” She speaks in her lowest voice.

“Oh my god.” Maya whines as she sits back down at the chair in front of Carina. “I’m gonna be the strict mom, aren’t I?” She pouts.

Carina chuckles because Maya is just know realizing what their roles could be as parents. “Yeah.” She nods, more at the idea of them being parents then at what Maya is actually saying.

She gazes up at Carina with so much love, so much emotion. Maya didn’t think she would be so emotional about this but the thought of becoming a mom is really hitting her for the first time. Past the initial like oh my god this is happening feeling; the thought that she will be talking care of and raising a child hits her.

Carina looks back at Maya with such affection. The thought of Maya being a mommy of any kind is so so powerful. For Maya, becoming a parent was never organic. Carina knows the idea for Maya comes with fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being enough for a child. Of not being able to love a child. Of not knowing how to love a child in the right way, without threats or abuse. But she thinks Maya is going to make a wonderful mother, despite her past. She’ll do everything in her power to raise a child opposite of how Lane had raised her. For that, Carina thinks Maya with be an amazing parent. And she’s looking forward to seeing it, experiencing it. It has Carina swooning.

“Oh know, I spend my whole adult life bringing babies into world. And then watching them getting rolled away.” She has always been the one to see that other women bring babies into their lives safely and successfully. She has always wondered when it was going to be her turn. It wasn’t just that she wanted to have a baby or raise a child. It was that Carina wanted to find that one person, that right person. Someone who she was in love with. Someone that would make a suitable parent. Someone she could trust, and share a life with, and raise a child with. She didn’t want to do it alone. She wanted a partner to have in the process with her. Carina never knew what that looked like. It never seemed like it was right with anyone that she was with. Until she met Maya. There was a safe security with Maya, that trust, the foundation that she could see that made her want kids with Maya.

Maya listens as Carina talks about the babies. Something in her shift. She listens to the things that Carina isn’t saying.

“I never get to see how they turn out. Or- or what kind of mother’s my patients will be. I just-” She shrugs, emotional.

Maya leans forwards in her chair at the emotion in Carina’s voice. She knows the doctor’s job is important to her, but this isn’t about her job right now. This is about them and trying to start a family.

“I just- welcome little one. Bye-bye. Have a nice life.” It seems so trivial sometimes. Carina isn’t a pediatrician. She doesn’t ever get to handle a baby, a child, once they are out of the womb. That’s someone else’s job but it makes her wonder who that child is, how they develop, and how they are going to grow up.

“You want to be the one who carries.” Maya stares up at Carina in awe. This marvelous woman has so much love to give to a child. She wants to experience everything that is involved with having a baby. Everything that her patients go through to get to birth and have a baby. She wants to see the things she never gets to see with the babies she delivers, for herself.

Carina shakes her head. She doesn’t want to prevent Maya from experiencing anything. “We can talk about that.” She knows she’s getting carried away. She tries to backtrack. “I know you are an athlete and you might want to experience-“

Maya cuts her off though, shaking her head. Nothing could be more perfect. She knows Carina wants this and she’s not going to let anything stand in the way. “No, it’s you.” She sees the panic and realization in Carina’s eyes at how sure she is of her words.

The doctor can’t believe this is coming together so quickly. “And for the egg, we can do IVF-“ Her heart races. She watches as Maya continues to shake her head.

“Nope.” The blonde stands, resting her palms against Carina’s thighs. “It should be yours.”

Carina is stunned speechless. Maya seems so sure, so certain. Glaringly so.

“I wanna hold a little you.” She says when Carina can’t find any words. Maya reaches up and cradles Carina’s face in her hands. It all makes so clear and perfect sense right now. She sees the tears in Carina’s eyes. “I want them to have these eyes. And this nose.” She leans in to touch her nose to the tip of Carina’s.

The Italian ducks down with a little chuckle. She really can’t believe this right now.

“And this freckle.” Maya brings them back to earlier in bed. “I wanna have another version of you that I can count my blessings on.” She whispers the words and means every single one of them.

Carina chin wobbles. The tears in her eyes threaten to fall. She reaches out for Maya, needing to kiss her, show her how much her words mean. “And I have some ideas-“ She tips her head back, rolling her eyes a little at how ridiculous she is being, a little embarrassed that she has gotten so emotional. “Of some places. To put this chocolate sauce.” The emotions lead to the urge to be with Maya again, but she wants to lighten the heavy emotion with a little fooling around. It’s going to take a bit to wrap her thoughts up nicely but the idea that she could possibly be pregnant one day swims around in rapid circles in her brain.

Maya pulls Carina into another kiss. They slip their lips against each other. Maya’s fingers tease their way up Carina’s thigh, reaching inward, cupping Carina, making her moan into the mouth before tipping her head back as Maya adds a little pressure.

“I wish I could get you pregnant.” Maya whispers and looks down between them, visualizing it.

“Cazzo, Maya.” Carina groans. She wants that too. If it were possible, she wants that. She wraps her legs around Maya, pulling them together, and hooking her ankles behind Maya’s back. “I want your cock.”

The blonde closes her eyes for a moment. Then she pulls them open and looks into intense brown eyes. Without saying anything, Maya reaches around, her hands slipping between Carina and the table and picks her up.

Carina shrieks in surprise and wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulders. “Maya!”

She smirks, successful in catching Carina off guard. She carries Carina into the bedroom and throws her down on the bed. The nightstand drawer on her side is pulled open. It seems to take forever to get all set up, Maya’s heart pounds with anticipation as she does.

Carina is moaning and humming on the bed as she watches.

Maya grabs their bottle of lube, squirting some in her palm.

“Let me.” Carina stops her. She awkwardly pulls the lube from Maya’s palm into her own. She looks up into dilated blue eyes, biting her lip as she slips her palm over the shaft of Maya’s cock.

She hums as Carina presses the end into her. There was a vision in her head though and Carina is ruining it. She grabs Carina’s wrist lightly and pulls her hand away. “Lay back.”

The doctor does as she is told. Her hands itch to reach out for Maya but she resists at the look in Maya’s eyes. There’s something specific that Maya has planned, she can see it. “Bambina.”

Maya steps between Carina’s legs where they dangle off the bed. She reaches for her hips and pulls them towards her. She lines up, slipping inside easily. Carina hums as she does. Maya closes her eyes at the feeling.

But then she’s leaning over Carina. “Wrap your arms around my neck again.” When she feels Carina holding on, she picks her up again. Carina moans at the shifting cock inside her and wraps her legs around her wife, locking her ankles together. Maya carries her over towards the door. She manages to elbow the door shut before pressing Carina’s back to it.

“Let me know if this isn’t-“ She bites her lip. But Carina is nodding, and she doesn’t have to finish the sentence. She was going to say uncomfortable or painful or just not a good position to get off in. Maya grunts as she rolls her hips, bending her knees, getting her legs underneath Carina, her knees pressed into the door for stability.

By the sound of Carina’s little mewls and moans she’s doing something right. Maya squeezes at Carina’s ass urging her forward, urging them to roll their bodies together. Carina bounces against Maya, using her shoulders for leverage.

The door rattles as they fuck against it.

Maya wraps on arm around Carina’s waist. “Babe?” She tries to get her attention. Carina is almost hunched over her shoulder. “My love?”

Carina hums in response. She’s having trouble keeping herself wrapped around Maya. But she doesn’t want to let go and have her legs drop down. She doesn’t want this to end prematurely. And Maya is an amazing stallion, holding her up and fucking her at the same time. “Keep going.”

Maya nods and presses a kiss to Carina’s cheek, then her neck, and redoubles her efforts. Her legs burn. So do her stomach muscles. It takes all of Maya’s effort to do this but she’s more than up to the challenge.

She lifts and falls on Maya’s glorious cock over and over until she’s cumming all over it. “MAYAAAAA!” She nearly screams out the name. Her grip around Maya tightens for a moment and then two before everything slackens. Her legs feel like jelly and the ankles that were hooked together slip away. Carina’s feet slip to the floor, and she slips away from her blonde with a little moan as Maya slips out of her.

“Hey.”

She’s absolutely powerless. Her strength is gone. Carina doesn’t know how it happens, but it does. “Maya.” She whines.

“I’ve got you.”

They stumble back to the bed, both on weak legs.

Carina has Maya sit on the edge as she drops to the floor on her knees. Equal parts out of weakness and equal parts out of her need to please her wife. She takes Maya’s member in her mouth, moaning at her taste on it. She swirls her tongue around the shaft, licking as she looks up into hooded blue eyes. She applies a little pressure. “Always so erect for me.”

Maya tips her head back, closing her eyes. “Carina.” She moans.

She takes her hand and strokes lightly over Maya’s cock, pulling another moan from the blonde. Her lips lock on the tip, sucking over it. She applies a bit of pressure, moving the member around a bit and getting a strangled moan out of Maya.

“Watch.” She requests firmly.

May tips her head forward and forces her eyes open. The vision of Carina on her knees between her legs will never be one that Maya tires of. She could say a million things right now, but she says nothing as she watches Carina suck her off. Her orgasm isn’t overly powerful but still feels amazing. It still has little tingles running through her body. It’s one of those soft, gentle orgasms like ripples on a lake on a calm summer day.

Carina works on removing the strap and harness. She climbs up onto the bed when she is finished and lays on top of Maya. Her lips find Maya’s cheek and neck, pressing feather light kisses.

She wraps an arm around Carina loosely, holding her close. “You are the most wonderful woman.” Maya is beyond amazed at all that Carina is.

“Grazie, bella.” Carina looks into her favorite blue eyes. “You are pretty wonderful yourself. I love you to piece.”

Maya tips her head to the side. She’s never heard that phrase from Carina before. “And I love you.” She kisses Carina solidly.

“Want to do more sex?” Carina wiggles her eyebrows.

“God, no. I’m exhausted.”

Carina laughs. “Me too. Nap?”

A lovely naked nap is had before Carina wakes Maya up with soft kisses.

Maya purrs and tightens her grip on Carina. The nap rejuvenating her. “How was your nap?”

“Molto bene. Yours?”

Maya throws her leg over Carina’s hip. “Also molto bene.” She grins, feeling extreme happy and content. “Let’s just lay here for a while.”

Carina chuckles. “Okay, bella.” She pets her hand over Maya’s head.

After a much needed quiet cuddle they are back on their feet and back to theorizing and contemplating.

Carina gets the wine as Maya grabs the laptop.

The fire is lit, and Carina asks for a few candles again, which Maya begrudgingly obliges to. It’s cozy, late in the day. They’ve spent the entre day making love or talking about babies. And now Carina has suggested they explore sperm banks and see if they can’t learn a thing or two about them and what is required of them if they want to go that route.

The glass of wine is passed back and forth between them. The other is forgotten on the coffee table.

Carina keeps pulling Maya into little kisses as they discuss possible donors or what they might like to see in a donor. It’s just the tip of the iceberg and there is a lot more of the iceberg to explore but it’s a wonderful feeling to start that exploration.

Chapter 66

Notes:

Thanks for reading and following along.
Okay so the call in this episode makes no sense. They claim that the man was crushed between two vehicles because of his brakes/that his brakes were squeaking and bad. But that’s not possible. If he as he says ‘parked the car and got out’ then it’s not possible. Putting the vehicle in park aka putting the transmission in park prevents the car from moving. Period. Bad brakes or not. Now if the transmission shifter is bad and it slips out of park and into neutral or into a gear then that’s another story. But a parked car with bad brakes doesn’t roll. But I digress. I like the Christmas episode so I’ve add my own little things to it which I hope you all enjoy. Also it will run into the next chapter wink wink. One more thing. This is the episode where Carina tells Andy if something doesn’t make her feel good she can quit that thing and that hit me right in the gut with where Maya and Carina are currently in the show.
Thanks to all. Enjoy! Merry Christmas (in March).

Chapter Text

The stockings are hung above the fire. The tree trimmed to desire. The cookie timer dings.

“Oh cookies!” Carina leaves the table full of Christmas gift to go retrieve the cookies from the oven.

“I always wanted a GI Joe set.” Maya admires the set in her hands. It was something she wanted as a kid but her father never allowed her to have. At first, his reasoning was that it was a boy’s toy. After that, it was that she was getting too old for toys and that she didn’t need girl’s or boy’s toys. She tried asking her mother to get it for her but, since everything had to be approved through Lane, that was a no go.

“Keep it.” Carina pipes up. She throws the oven mitts on her hands but looks over at Maya. Her wife has been looking that the toy for quite some time. Even before the cookie timer went off. Carina can see a clear interest there.

“Keep it?” She looks over as her wife bends over in her sexy Christmas apron to take the cookies from the oven. Maya didn’t even know there was a Christmas apron in their home but leave it to Carina to have one.

“It’s for Toys For Tots.” She sets the box down. “I’m not stealing toys from needy children.”

Andy emerges from the spare bedroom. “Something smells good.” It’s too bright for her and there’s too much noise but her nose and stomach led her out of bed and into the kitchen.

“That’s Carina’s baking.” Maya takes the opportunity to brag lightly.

“Nonna’s recipe.” Carina adds. The biscotti she’s making comes from the old country. Carina is proud to make them. Happy that she has a reason to. Excited to celebrate the Christmas season.

“She just told me to steal toys from Toys For Tots.” Maya thinks it’s funny.

Carina didn’t not tell her wife to steal from the toy charity but if Maya took one present for herself no one would know the difference. Plus, they could always go out and buy something else to replace it. Or they could buy another one of those GI Joe figurines that Maya is currently obsessing over.

“I’m getting you a toy army guy for Christmas.” Carina lets Maya know.

Andy pulls the freezer open to check on her divorce paper. Yup, still there. She stares at the manila envelope for a moment.

“Ya know you can’t leave your divorce papers in the freezer forever.”

And there Maya has to go killing Andy’s vibe. She takes the ice cream out of the freezer and shuts the door, throwing Maya a glare in to process. “There’s no rule that says that.” Since Maya is so hell bent on rules she makes it clear. She shuffles back to her room, not wanting to be a buzzkill on the happy couple and their Christmas traditions.

Carina grabs a cookie as they both watch Andy sulk off towards the spare room. “Try.” She holds it out for Maya to take a bite.

“What am I supposed to do?” She says around the cookie.

“I don’t know.” Carina looks to where Andy disappeared to.

“Mmm.” Maya closes her eyes at the delicious taste in her mouth. She moans. “That is so good.”

“Yeah, we’ll give her a cookie.” Carina thinks that’s what Maya is thinking.

But really Maya is just appreciating how good the cookies are and how much she loves that Carina has made them. She reaches up, cupping Carina’s jaw, even though she just put cookie in her mouth and is in the middle of chewing and kisses her.

“Mmm.” Carina is completely caught off guard. “Bella.” She nearly drops the rest of her cookie.

“Hmm.” Maya hums and presses her lips to Carina’s again. “You taste like cookies.”

Carina chuckles. “We are literally eating them now.” She finishes chewing.

“I couldn’t wait. Thank you for making cookies.” Maya takes a step back.

“Is that why you kissed me?”

Maya tips her head to the side. “Do I need a reason?”

“No.” Carina shakes her head. “Never.” She finishes her cookie and lets Maya get back to the Toys For Tots presents. She sets up a little plate of cookies. And a glass of milk and brings it to Andy.

“I have a little treat for you.” She says after knocking and poking her head in the door.

Andy looks down at the plate. “Are you sure?” She doesn’t want to steal cookies if they are meant for someone else. She just thought that they smelled good. She has her ice cream. Though, maybe she could dunk them in the ice cream.

“I’m sure.” Carina just wants Andy to have a little Christmas cheer, even though she knows it’s hard right now. “If you need anything just let me or Maya know.”

Andy nods and takes the plate and glass and elbows the door closed. She mostly just wants to be alone. And being around a happy couple at Christmas is doing the opposite of cheering her up any. She’s glad they let her stay here but she has to watch and listen to them being all coupley together.

After the cookies have cooled and been put away, after the baking dishes have been washed, after the kitchen has been cleaned, they retire for the night.

Carina takes care of her nighttime routine in the bathroom first. She’s still thinking about the GI Joe set that Maya was eyeing early. She really wants to follow through with her promise to get one for Maya. She knows that Lane was restrictive as a parent. His children didn’t get spoiled. They probably didn’t ever get what they wanted for Christmas or their birthday’s; or if they did it was something that would have been practical that they asked for. She could see that being that case. But Carina wants to please that neglected child in Maya now.

As Maya works her way around the room, Carina is on her phone looking up man Barbie’s.

There are more options than Carina could have imagined. And apparently, they are called action figures.

“What are you looking for, amore?” She can feel Maya frantically searching around the room more than she actually sees her as her eyes are on her phone.

Maya shakes her head. “I can’t find my earbuds.”

“Check in your nightstand drawer.” Carina suggests.

“There not in there.” She looks through the items on top of the dresser again.

“Did you look?” Carina keeps scrolling. Maya groans. “Just look, bella.”

“They’re not in there.” Maya petulantly stomps across the room and pulls the drawer open. “Oh.” There the earbuds lie.

“You’re welcome.” Carina smirks.

Maya huffs. One day she’s going to have to just listen to Carina. Somehow, she’s always right. “How did you know?”

Carina hums as she clicks purchase on Maya’s Christmas present. It’s not Maya’s only Christmas present. But it is what Maya wants and what Maya hasn’t been able to have; first from Lane and then probably from herself.

As an adult, Maya could have gone out and bought a GI Joe figurine or set for herself, but she didn’t and hasn’t. For whatever reason, she hasn’t allowed that for herself. Carina wants her to enjoy her toy army guy that she didn’t get to enjoy as a kid.

“They are usually on the top. I was cleaning the other day and set them inside. Sorry, bambina.” If Maya hasn’t looked in there, then she knew they would likely still be in the drawer. She sets her phone down and looks over.

Maya sets the earbuds on the top of her nightstand, where they usually reside so they are ready for use in the morning. “I thought I lost them.” She hums and climbs into bed as her panic resides.

Maya settles next to Carina, sitting with her back to the headboard like Carina. “What should we do about Andy?”

Carina takes a deep breath and finds Maya’s hand. “I don’t know, bella. But I think we should continue to support her. Let her stay here for as long as she needs. Make sure she’s not doing things that aren’t bad for her. Other than that, I don’t know.”

The thing is that Maya knows all that. They’ve been doing all that, but it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. She shifts her thoughts from Andy though. “When are you going to wear that Mrs. Clause outfit?” Maya whispers. It’s just sitting on their table, and she would very much appreciate it in use.

If Andy weren’t around, Carina probably would have thought about wearing it while making cookies this evening. “Christmas Day?”

Maya whines. She doesn’t want to have to wait that long.

“Its only a few days away, bella.” Carina pulls at Maya’s arm. The blonde getting the signal to get in Carina’s lap. “I didn’t want Andy to see.”

Maya smirks. It’s a private thing. “She’s really cramping our style.” Strong arms wrap around Carina’s shoulders.

“You’re the one who invited her to stay here.” Carina wants to point that out.

There is an exaggerated eye roll from Maya. “Yes, cuz I’m so nice.” Her voice dripping with sarcasm.

“You are, Maya.” She wraps her hand around the back of Maya’s head and pulls her into a swift kiss. “You are so kind and so generous. Even if you don’t want people to know that. You’re wonderful. And you’re there for your people. I admire that about you.”

“Well, geez, now I have to say good stuff about you.” She gives a playful chuckle.

Carina laughs.

Maya twirls Carina’s hair around her fingers. “You’re baking is amazing. Uh- I think Andy likes that you are here and it’s not just me that she has to put up with. You truly know how to take care of people and make them feel comfortable. I might open up my space to someone but I’m not going to be their shoulder to cry on. I’m not good at comforting people.”

“You’re good at comforting me.” She runs her hands down Maya’s back.

The firefighter licks her lips as she thinks about Carina versus anyone else. “That’s different. You’re my wife.”

Carina grins. “Lucky me.” She clicks her tongue.

Maya lays her head on Carina’s shoulder. “What did you get me for Christmas other than sexy Mrs. Clause?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“But I hate surprises.” The blonde whines.

Carina slips her hands from Maya’s back down over ass cheeks, squeezing. Maya hums so she squeezes again. “You have to be a good girl and wait.” She smacks Maya’s left cheek and laughs.

The blonde groans knowing that she’s not going to get any details on presents or any preview on the sexy costume.


Maya wonders how they got strapped with picking up and sorting through all the Toys For Tots toys. Probably, Carina volunteered them to do it but it wasn’t something that Maya was aware of until they were doing it.

Now, she has to shlep all the gifts into the station to be wrapped for the kids. She and Andy and Carina get in the elevator. Manning the cart full of toys; shoved to the back of the elevator, she lets Carina take the lead on this one since she’s the one who volunteered them to do this.

“We should probably separate the toys by age group so-“ She gets out of the elevator and moves towards the table with her arms full of wrapping supplies.

Andy cuts off Carina. “Am I a masochist?” She’s got the wrapping paper.

Maya follows behind with the cart of toys.

“Or not?” Carina doesn’t like self-deprecating Andy.

“Is that it?” She’s really trying to figure herself out. Andy just wants to know what’s wrong with herself. “Why do I torture myself by hanging out here?” For some reason, she can’t stay away from 19. More of her days off than not she ends up at 19.

“You’re not hanging out here.” Maya hates that Andy is all whiny all the time right now. “You’re volunteering because you love us.”

It was Carina’s idea to asks Andy to help today. “We need scissors.” Carina wants to get to wrapping as soon as possible. They have a lot of presents to wrap and if there is a call that takes everyone away from the station, she and Andy will be here for literal hours wrapping presents by themselves.

“Yes, we do.”

She knows Andy is whining, but Carina feels the opposite about being at the station. “I actually love spending my days off here.” It brings her closer to her wife. They might not be at home and they might not be all lovey dovey, but they do get to see each other and hang out, share meals. She starts clearing the table, so they have a space to wrap.

“It’s like the house of the friend that you had when you were a kid whose family you wish would adopt you.” There were days when Carina didn’t want to be at home. There were days when all her parents did was fight. She would go over to her friend’s house and wish she could stay there until all the fighting was over. It never worked out that way and she always felt she had to be at home when Andrea was at home. So if he wasn’t out doing something or at a friend’s house she was home with him, parent’s fighting or not.

“Captain Beckett announced that they appointed a new fire chief.” He had told the crew this morning at the beginning of shift. Maya wants to be the one to let Andy in on the news.

She starts unloading presents onto the table for Carina. “No name yet but- it’s a woman.” She knows Andy will be interested in that. They have or are both captains, Andy on an interim bases, with ambition to move up to chief one day.

Andy awkwardly avoids Sullivan as she gets the scissors from the knife block. “Hot dayum.” She checks Maya’s reaction. “Are you a little sad you weren’t the first?”

“Only a little.” Maya sighs. It is a disappointment; but seeing as she’s not even captain anymore it’s not like she could’ve gotten to that position in the near future anyway. It would be years from now before she would have been able to make it up the ranks to chief.

“With McCallister gone, I imagine they’ll be wrapping up your investigation soon.” Sullivan thinks of the behind the scenes stuff that he knows the chief has to deal with.

His words fluster Maya, messing up her gift wrapping game. “That piece of that slipped off. Crap.” Maya never wants anyone bringing up her investigation. “He buried the investigation.” And she doesn’t want to talk about it. Especially not so Sullivan. He doesn’t get to know information about her investigation. “I can’t, for the life of me, get an answer from the department about when I’ll receive word. A year later, and he’s just sneaking out the back door before closing me case.” She knows she flustered. Maya thinks she would’ve been fine talking about McCallister leaving but then Sullivan had to bring up her investigation. “SCISSORS.” She aggressively holds out her hand for someone to give her the scissors so she can cut the paper to wrap the damn present.

“Uh-huh.” Carina quickly hands the scissors over her to her very agitated wife. It’s clear to her that Maya has gotten upset about Sullivan asking about the investigation. She eyes Maya warily, worried that she might be dangerous with a pair of scissors in her hand.

“Well, with any luck they’ll come to their senses and give Beckett the boot.” He wants the people in this room to be on the same page as him about seeing Beckett out of the job.

“Beckett’s not the problem here.” Andy vouches for the captain as she brings more presents over.

“No, but he’s certainly a problem.”

“Maybe not for you, Herrera.” He chuckles.

That gets Andy’s attention, and she looks over at the man. She regrets telling him that she slept with Beckett.

Sullivan is still miffed that Andy is at another station. The information that she slept with Beckett doesn’t go over easy either. Clearly, she doesn’t see that Beckett is an issue. “For those of us who have to work with him.” He gives Andy a condescending look and walks out.

Carina catches on to that look and the look of disdain that is on Andy’s face also. “Tell me again why the divorce papers are still in our freezer?”

Andy sighs. Robert is grating on her nerves. “I don’t know. I just- I hate the idea of being somebody that cuts and runs.”

“Oh no. If something doesn’t feel good, it’s healthy to let it go.” Carina advises.

Andy so doesn’t want to talk about her failed marriage. “I think we need more toys.” She hurries off, away from Carina and Maya, to gather herself and her feelings and maybe more toys to wrap.

“We definitely did not need more toys.” Maya shakes her head. They’ve got plenty to wrap here and she’s not looking forward to having more to wrap.

Maya and Carina wrap presents until a call comes in and Maya has to run off. Carina finishes the present she is one and then wraps the final two that are unwrapped before loading them all onto the cart.

Andy comes back upstairs and explains that now that the toys are wrapped they are ready to be stacked to hand out.

The cart is moved into the elevator and they head downstairs to put the toys around the Christmas tree. “Alright. Here we go.”

Carina has no clue how this Toys For Tots drive works. “So how does it work? Do people come here and pick out toys?”

“No, right before Christmas we um go around town, drop them off. At the hospitals, shelters, you know.” Andy starts unloading the presents from the cart and putting them under the tree. “Places where kids might not get a present this year.”

Carina helps. “Nice. Can I come?” She’s very much in the Christmas spirit.

“Yeah.” Andy goes back to Carina’s earlier question about the divorce papers as they work to put the toys under the tree. “I think it’s my mom. I- I’m afraid to file the papers because then that means I cut and run like my mom. And- and it sounds so dumb to say out loud. Like, oh boo who, my parents wounded me, and all my problems are because of them.”

“It doesn’t sound dumb at all.” Carina knows that everyone has problems. “You’re not special.”

Andy lets out a bit of a laugh.

“We’re all just undoing what our parents did to us.” Carina knows that holds some sort of truth in every person. Everyone has their own shit to deal with.

“Kay, well if you’re so wise, why haven’t you and Maya told anyone that you’re going to have a baby?”

Carina really can’t explain that one too well. “Because there is no baby yet. There is not even sperm yet.”

“Your afraid she’s going to change her mind, aren’t you?” Andy points a finger at Carina as she says the words.

Carina goes to get more presents with a frustrated groan at how correct Andy is. “She has massive walls around her heart.” That fear is there that, yes, Maya will want to back out; that she will change her mind.

“And she’s taking them down. Brick by brick. For you.” She reminds Carina that Maya isn’t as bad as she used to be, that she’s letting Carina in, that Maya has let Carina in. But that there is still that wall there that Maya has to slowly unbuild.

The phone rings and it’s Warren. He’s looking for Carina.

Andy and Carina run off in the direction of the PRT after she gets off the phone with Ben.

“What are we doing?” Carina follows willingly.

“Ben needs you and the PRT. They’ve got a guy that’s pinned between two vehicles. If they move him, he will bleed out and die from his injuries before they get him to a hospital. So, we are bringing the hospital to them.”

“Cool.” Carina hops in the passenger’s seat. “Let’s go.” She’s seen the PRT. Knows about the PRT and all its capabilities. But in the time that she’s known Maya, she hasn’t seen it in use. And now she gets to be part of its use.

She excited about this. And as a nerdy doctor it’s absolutely fascinating to be able to use this technological vehicle to, hopefully, save a life.

It’s exhilarating to get to be a doctor outside of the hospital. Carina wants to help people. No matter what. Even if they aren’t people with vaginas.

Andy throws on the lights and sirens, and they take off.

Carina grins the entire way. The thrill ignites her. This must be what they feel as they are rushing to an emergency. This must be what Maya feels every day as a first responder. She gets it. She feels it.

But as they pull up to the scene Carina furrows her brows. Andy briefed her on the situation and Carina gets in the back and starts prepping the back of the PRT with all the supplies they will need and sets up a thoracotomy kit. She gets blood and brings it over to the patient.

Carina heads back to the PRT and makes sure everything is ready and laid out. She double checks everything. Time is going to be an important factor in this process. They need to get the patient un-pinched and on the gurney as fast as possible; and then get him into the PRT as efficiently as possible.

Maya and Sullivan push the car back enough to free the man and Travis gets him onto the gurney. The patient is wheeled over to the PRT and loaded inside. Andy closes the doors and Ben and Carina start working on him.

She literally has her hand on a man’s heart, massaging it as they make their way to the hospital. Her own heart pounds wildly in her chest as she focuses on saving this man’s life. Carina literally has his life in her hands.

The PRT arrives and the doors are thrown open. Carina looks over to see Miranda and Dr. Altman are standing there with a team of residents and nurses around them, waiting for them.

“Dr. Pierce is prepping for surgery.” Dr. Bailey mentions as the doors open. She gives her husband one look, and Ben starts rattling off the man’s vitals and other important information.

They remove the patient from the PRT and Carina continues her heart massage all the way to the operating room, keeping the patient alive.

Once, Dr. Pierce takes over, Carina is released. She slips out of the OR and pulls the bloody gloves from her hands. A huge sigh of relief is released. The adrenaline is coursing through her veins. She hasn’t felt like this since she was a resident. Well, really, this might top all experiences she had as a resident. Carina never had a man’s heart in her hands as she pumped it to continue blood flow. She leans against the wall opposite the OR doors and bends at the waist, her hands on her knees as deep breathes are slowly taken. In and out, in and out.

“That was a lot.”

Ben startles her and she looks up and nods. Straightening her back out, Carina looks left and right, getting her surroundings about her.

“You did great. I couldn’t have done it without you.” He puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder.

She knows he means that, and she knows it’s true. “I couldn’t have done it without your guidance.” Ben had been the rock the entire time, preventing everything from spiraling out of control.

He nods. “Ready to head back?”

Carina is.

Everything buzzes as she sits in the back of the PRT across from Ben. Andy and Sullivan occupy the front seats. Carina can slowly feel the adrenaline ebbing away as her heart rate starts to return to normal. Her thoughts are a bit of a jumble though.

That man was so close to death. He would have died if they didn’t have the PRT. It was one of those situations. And his family was there. In the end. Whether he lived or died, they were there. His wife and their kids. What was supposed to be a happy family holiday could have spoiled the date forever for that family. Everything could have been different in an instant.

Carina grapples with that as they make their way back to the station.

Ben asks her to help restock the PRT when they get back and she graciously agrees to help. She’s not sure if she’s ready to see Maya yet anyway. She wants to see Maya, but she doesn’t want to bombard her with the emotions she is feeling right now when she’s not sure exactly what those feelings are. But she knows a few things are certain. Whether Maya is one hundred percent on having kids or not, she wants to have faith in Maya and believe her words. She wants them to start that process. She doesn’t want to wait any longer. Each day that they wait Carina feels like is a wasted day. A wasted opportunity. She knows it could take months to get pregnant and they aren’t even at a point where they have everything hammers out on the details of how that is going to happen yet.

When she and Ben finish and head inside everyone is eating or has just had something to eat. Carina spots Maya at the table. The blonde looks in her direction and she gives a subtle nod of the head in the direction of the lounge.

Maya gets up from her spot at the table to go see what is up with her wife. She is super impressed with what she and Warren did out in the field and is eager to tell Carina that.

They come to a stop face to face.

“Hey.” She smiles softly. “What you did out there- that was insane and crazy awesome.”

“Thanks, bella.” Carina licks her lips.

Seeing that guy be crushed in front of his family has struck Carina with thoughts about waiting. She doesn’t want to wait to have a baby. She doesn’t want to put this off. She wants to be open and honest and let everyone know what’s happening. Even if things aren’t set in stone. Even if she still has concerns about Maya’s dedication to this. “I think we should tell everyone.” Carina slips a hand to Maya’s hip.

“Tell them what?” She’s still upset about the investigation and that Sullivan brought it up. It’s been her main thought bubble today.

“That we’re going to have a baby.”

Maya hums. “I don’t know, Carina.” Mostly, Maya doesn’t want everyone all up in their business. It’s great to tell them but that comes with questions. Questions that they don’t even have answers to themselves yet.

Carina inhales deeply through her nose and nods with a tight-lipped smile.

“Carina, I just-” Maya isn’t sure if it’s a good idea. “I don’t know. Can I think about it?” She usually doesn’t make snap decisions when it comes to her life. Maya likes to think through every angle before making a decision. Especially a big decision.

Carina ultimately nods. She doesn’t want to do anything that Maya isn’t ready for. And like she told Andy there’s no baby yet, there’s no sperm. They don’t even have a plan for getting pregnant yet. She takes Maya by the hand, and they had back to the table. Her wife has her sit, and she goes to get Carina a plate of food.

After everyone eats, the table is cleared, and they are back to wrapping presents. Carina sits next to Maya and hopes that she’s not as agitated as she was earlier today when they were wrapping. But Maya sits calmly beside her, no agitation at all, it seems. She continues to wrap away but Maya is taking her time and Carina notices. She watches for a moment as Maya stops and looks at a toy before wrapping it. She does the same thing with the next toy and Carina knows that Maya is thinking. Probably about what she brought up before they ate.

As the presents are wrapped and cookies are brought, Carina feels like this is that place she described. The friends house that you want to stay at. Everyone is here and it feels like a safe place.

Maya stares down at the gift she’s supposed to wrap. A doll for a little girl. Something a child would want if they didn’t have one. Something she could see getting for her own child one day.

She looks over to Carina. The brunette busy wrapping instead of staring at dolls and fantasizing like she currently is. Ever since Carina suggested they tell everyone; Maya hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it. She’s not sure what’s holding her back. They don’t have specifics but maybe that doesn’t matter. The idea is there and she’s on board with it. They will have a child one day. She wanted to keep it a secret because there are lots of steps that need to be worked out still. But maybe it would be better if they tell everyone.

Carina looks up and Maya is looking at her with wide wonder. She notices the doll in her wife’s hands. Maya is asking her a question. “If you’re ready.” It’s funny to her that it was so quick that Maya made a decision. Sometimes it’s just putting an idea in Maya’s head and waiting for her to say that it’s a good idea. They just had this conversation but here Maya is eager to say something. Her wife still finds wonderful ways of surprising Carina.

Maya nods and lets out a sigh of relief. “Uh, we have an announcement.” She gets everyone’s attention. “We are going to have a baby.” She feels on top of world being able to say that and maya knows she’s grinning like a fool.

The shock from everyone is clear. Maya watches all of their faces.

“Eventually.” Carina doesn’t want any jumping of the gun. “Eventually. Eventually.” She wants to make sure that they all know this baby isn’t imminent.

Travis asks if Maya is serious, and when she says she is, he starts clapping. To which, Maya laughs. She feels so good right now. The day didn’t start out the greatest but Maya can feel the love from her fire family right now. She pulls Carina back against herself and kisses her wife. A little surprise and then loving pat on the back of the head before they are accepting congratulations from everyone.

Everyone gathers at the table. Pru arrives with Miranda. The doctor mentions that the guy from their call today is going to make it.

And for the first time since Dean’s death, the station feels completely light. There’s no outward sadness or darkness today. Everyone is happy and celebrating the Christmas holiday as they gather around Pru and make sure she feels like a part of the fire family.

Chapter 67

Notes:

Hello, i have not abandoned this. First the bad news- it's been a long time since and update. now the good news- I've written over 100 pages of words for season 6 content. I just need to bridge the gap between this update and there. lol.
Thanks for all those who follow along and read and for the occasion comment i get on this from time to time.
I wanted to write Christmas and new years. so there are presents, and Mrs Clause outfits, and sexytime, and a tiny blurb about new years cuz i thought it would be cute.
Enjoy!

Chapter Text

She’s waiting for Maya to get home from work. She’s got her Mrs. Clause outfit on, and it looks absolutely amazing. Carina’s favorite part is how it pushes her boobs up and out of the top of the dress.

Carina hears the door and hurries out to stand near the Christmas tree. She watches as Maya sets her backpack down. She waits for her wife to turn around. Breakfast isn’t ready yet because Carina wants to open presents first but she’s excited about what their day could hold.

Maya yawns and turns around. “HOLY… Balls.”

Carina laughs. “Buongiorno, bella.” She saunters over to her wife. “And I think it’s Holy Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.”

Carina runs her hand down Maya’s front, tucking her fingers into Maya’s jeans.

“You look- I mean I knew this would look amazing on you but wow.” She doesn’t have proper words. Maya knew of the outfit. She’s not blind. She saw it on the table the other day. She saw it as it migrated into their bedroom. “I’m glad I made Andy stay with Vic and Travis today.” Her eyes still appreciating every curve of her wife’s body, every inch of exposed skin.

“Grazie mille.” Carina gives a devilish smile. “Should we open presents first or have breakfast first?”

The blonde contemplates her options. Her sexy wife is standing before her, and she really wants nothing more than that. Maya leans in, wrapping an arm around Carina. The Italian hums at the close contact. Maya closes the tiny bit of distance between them and locks her lips with Carina’s.

“I want to have you first.” Maya grins, wolfish.

Carina wiggles a finger at Maya. “I want to give you your presents first.”

Maya picks up on the plural. “Presents?”

“Si. You have been a good girl this year. You get more than one present.” Carina smiles devilishly. She wants to shower Maya with all the gifts in the world. Even if Maya wasn’t a good girl, she would want to give her presents. She knows there’s a part of Maya that hasn’t received gifts and still doesn’t think she’s allowed gifts. There is something deep within Maya that makes her not easily able to receive anything. Be it gifts, or praise, or love. So, Carina tries and tries to give to Maya.

The blonde tips her head to the side. The first thing she thinks of is Lane and how he only allowed his children one present at Christmas time. “I only got one present as a kid.”

Carina frowns at it being said out loud even if she was just thinking a similar thread. “Well, good thing you aren’t a kid anymore. And good thing that Mrs. Clause thought you were a good girl this year.” Carina runs the words sexily off her tongue and it nearly has Maya panting for more.

“Come sit down.” Carina struts over to the fireplace. She grabs the stockings. It filled her with great joy to prepare Christmas for Maya. Obviously, Maya helped with decorating but since she was on shift last night Carina took it upon herself to fill the stockings and hang them by the fireplace. The presents were already wrapped and under the tree ahead of time, but she smiled softly at the thought of her and Maya sitting down to open them together.

She’s even got Christmas breakfast ready to be cooked when they are done opening presents. Her little excited potential mom brain even thought of what kinds of foods and toys and presents and songs they will have on Christmas morning with their child or children. It adds an extra excitement to Christmas this year. Next year at this time, they could be a family of three.

Carina sits with Maya as they open their stockings. She knows what’s inside. She put the items in there but Carina watches in anticipation as Maya takes in each item as it is pulled from the big sock. A few little treasures are inside. Some Italian chocolates. Some little candies. Batteries. And an orange at the bottom.

“What are the batteries for?”

“The vibrator.” Carina shrugs.

Maya sucks in a quick breath of air. “Oh.”

“Gotta keep the electricity flowing.” Carina smirks as she runs her fingertip over Maya’s thigh. It’s still so fun to tease Maya and see her blush.

Setting the stockings aside, Maya rubs her palms on her thighs. “So?”

“The presents.” Carina pops up from the couch. “First, this one.” She grabs the large box and brings it over to Maya. She’s full of excitement as she sits and watches her wife open the gift. It’s her favorite gift for Maya and she can’t wait to see the joy and excitement on Maya’s face when she opens it.

The firefighter slowly unwraps the present. Almost carefully pulling the paper off and setting it aside. As the paper is removed, Maya can see what the present is little by little. “You seriously didn’t?”

“I seriously did.” Carina’s excited grin splits her face. “Maya, you deserve to have the things you want. Even if they were wants from twenty five years ago. Your father shouldn’t have been so cruel in not letting you and your brother have things that you wanted.”

Maya hums and inspects the package. Inside there are a few GI Joe action figures. A few different guys with different clothes and weapons. “These are so cool.” She holds the box close to her face. “Thank you, Carina.”

“Thank Mrs. Clause.” Carina smirks.

Maya sets the box on her lap. She looks over at Carina, reaching up to cup her cheek and pull her into a quick kiss. “Grazie, Mrs. Clause.”

“Prego, bambina.” Carina hovers near Maya’s face. “Prego.” She is filled with those warm fuzzy feelings that always have her wanting to be as close to Maya as possible.

There is a second present for Maya. It’s running socks and some new earbuds. A more practical gift and not nearly as exciting as the GI Joe men in Carina’s opinion. But Maya opens them with the same awe and thoughtfulness. Carina can see that Maya appreciates each and every gift that she is given and it’s almost like Maya can’t believe she is getting gifts.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to.”

Carina shrugs. “You always get holes in your running socks.”

It’s such a thoughtful gift. Maya almost wants to thank Carina for her thoughtfulness. She holds the socks to her chest. “You’re turn.” She gets up and goes to get the two packages she has for Carina. As surprised as Maya was that Carina got her more than one present, she also got Carina more than one present.

“Open this one first.” She hands over the bigger box as she sits next to Carina again. Maya is nervous about this gift. Well, both of them actually. She’s nervous about how Carina is going to react. She’s nervous that she’s getting ahead of herself. Or that they are getting ahead of themselves. It was an impulse purchase. Not something that Maya does, but something that when she thought of the idea she had to do.

She holds her breath as Carina peels off the wrapping paper. She clutches her hands together from fear of reaching out and stopping Carina. Maybe this isn’t and wasn’t a good present. Doubt strikes her in this moment. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe she should have gotten something more practical. It’s all hypothetical anyway. Maybe she is being entirely ridiculous.

But Carina is opening the small box and looking inside so it’s too late to go back. Maya glances over pinches her eyes into a squint, waiting for a negative reaction.

One doesn’t come.

Instead, there is an infinitesimal gasp from Carina. The Italian pulls the items from the box and examines them, tears springing to her eyes. “Maya.” She gasps.

“Did I do a wrong thing?”

Carina shakes her head, her tears falling. “No. Good grief, no.” She turns to Maya and wraps her arms around her neck. The tiny baby shoes still clutched in the fingers of her right hand.

Maya wraps an arm around Carina and sighs into the embrace. Relief washes over her at hearing that Carina isn’t crying because she’s upset or hates the gift.

They pull apart but Maya reaches up the wipe the tears from under Carina’s eyes. “I did this. I didn’t think about it until now. It was impulsive at first. The purchase But I thought of the shoes once I had them. Of a tiny baby. And tiny baby shoes. I thought about or was thinking about-“ She wrinkles up her nose. “We could use them to make a pregnancy announcement. When the time comes, of course.”

Mrs. Clause crawls on top of Maya, pushing Maya onto her back against the arm of the couch. She presses into the blonde, bracketing her face with her hands, but not letting go of the shoes. Carina looks down into blue eyes with intense adoration. “I love these. I love you.”

Maya is thinking about their baby. Maya is thinking about their future. Maya is thinking and planning pregnancy announcements and she couldn’t love Maya more. She kisses Maya with everything she’s got. What was supposed to be sexy and hot has turned into sweet and gentle. Carina holds so much affection for Maya and has wants to make sure that Maya feels it, that Maya sees it.

Slow kisses are applied to Maya’s lips. One at a time. In succession.

“Carina.” Maya hums. Her hands grip at Carina’s waist. “I love you.” She gets out between kisses but there’s more. She wants Carina to open the other box and explain. “Hey, wait.” She whispers softly as Carina tries to kiss her again.

Carina leans back and looks at Maya again. “Cosa?” She whispers as her eyes shift to the shoes again. She brings them in between them now, looking closer at the pair of tiny red Converse in her hand. “These are so cute.”

“You are so cute.” Maya grins. “But yeah, I thought so too. Are we going to have a stylish baby?”

There is a hum from Carina as she contemplates the idea.

“Here.” Maya leans over and reaches for the other box. This one is smaller. The size of a jewelry box.

Carina perches herself in Maya’s lap. The tiny wrapping is pulled from the box and set aside. She locks eyes with Maya for a brief second before lifting the top from the box. Clearly, unless the box is a ruse, it was going to be some sort of jewelry. Her eyes land on a gold chain necklace with a stone as the pendant.

“It’s your birthstone.” Maya comments.

Obviously, Carina knows that. She finds Maya’s eyes again, asking why.

The blonde shrugs. “I thought- there was this patient that I had one time. She was dying. After a car crash. But she was clutching onto her necklace. She explained to me while I was trying to keep her calm that it was her birthstone in the center and her two children’s birthstones on each side. That stuck with me.”

Though, Carina doesn’t like the story of a woman dying. Or the thought Maya thought of it and then thought of her and their own potential children. The sentiment is there though. To be able to always have her children near.

“We can add to it with the baby’s birthstone in the future; so, they are always with you and you are always together.” Maya adds her final thoughts.

“You are fucking-“ Carina moans. “You are so-“ She doesn’t have the words. “I love you.” She says that because that is the truest thing to say. “I love you so much, Maya Bishop. And this-“ She still doesn’t know what to say. It’s clear that Maya is thinking about their future, the possibility of having a real live baby. She’s gone as far as to get a necklace and tiny shoes. Tangible things not just thoughts or feelings.

She needs to know that Carina likes the gifts, and she doesn’t think they are overdone. “Do you like the gifts?”

“I love them. Didn’t I make that clear?”

“You did.” Maya smirks. “I just had to make sure.”

“You need words.” She knows her wife needs to hear it, that things need to be said for them to really sink in with Maya. “And I would like to show you how much I appreciate the gifts and how much they mean to me by ravaging your body.”

Maya laughs. Sometimes Carina picks the funniest words to use. She simply adores them. “Only if I get to rip this Santa outfit off of your sexy body.”

“Unzip me.” Carina arches her back.

“With pleasure.” Maya reaches around. Expert fingers find the zipper, tugging it down quickly and efficiently.

Carina moans as she is set free from the outfit. She puffs her chest out as the top of the ‘dress’ fall around her hips.

Maya’s fingers tease against the fabric of the crumpled dress, her eyes traces over Carina’s breast. “I always thought of Mrs. Clause as an old lady with white hair.” She looks from Carina’s eyes to her forehead, her hair. “Who made cookies and sent Santa off with well wishes.”

“I made you cookies the other day and I always send you off to work with well wishes.” Carina points out.

“God, you’re so sexy.” Maya leans forward, meeting Carina for a kiss. “And I’m so lucky.”

Carina slips her hands around Maya’s shoulders, leaning into her, rocking against her.

“I know you do.” Maya thinks back on the well wishes. “The cookies were amazing too. In case you couldn’t tell. I really like them.”

“Shut up.”

“What?”

“Less talking. More sexing.”

Maya smiles. “Oh. Okay.” She pulls Carina into a fierce kiss. One full of passion and love. Christmas hasn’t been Maya’s favorite holiday but last year and this year’s Christmas have really been the best and that’s all because of Carina. Her wife takes her worst children experiences and totally flips them around into something worth looking forward to.

Carina presses Maya impossibly further into the couch, opening her up, exposing Maya’s neck so she can kiss and suck on it with her lips. She thinks she loves kisses Maya’s neck just as much as Maya loves being kissed on the neck. It pulls little whiny moans from Maya’s body.

Her toes curl in her shoes. The need to take them off comes but it fades as Carina presses more kisses to the thin skin of her neck. She moans out in pleasure as wonderful lips apply the perfect pressure. Maya’s hands grip at Carina’s sides holding onto her for dear life as Carina sucks at the pulse point in her neck.

“My pants.”

Carina smirks against her wife’s skin. The blonde is just as desperate as she is. Her want is just as great as Maya’s is.

The doctor shuffles backwards out of Maya’s lap. The firefighter unbuttons her pants and pulls down the zipper. Carina pulls on the ankles as Maya lifts.

A set of hands run up newly revealed skin. Carina licks her lips and thinks about what to do for a brief moment before she is leaning down, her lips connecting with the inside of Maya’s knee. Maya jerk at the contact, almost like she got an electric shock. But Carina kisses and licks her way up the inside of that thigh, before reaching a grey pair of bikini cut underwear. She bites at the edge of the fabric. She can already smell Maya’s arousal. It’s ready and waiting for her and she hums at the thought.

“Carina?” She doesn’t want to beg, but Maya is very close to being a begging woman.

“Take your shirt off.” She wants to see as much of Maya as possible. She sits on her knees. “And then these.” She presses her middle and index finger against Maya’s soaked core.

Maya lets out a shaky breath and closes her eyes. She focuses and pulls her shirt from her torso and then raises an eyebrow. Carina is kind of in the way for her to remove her underwear. Her wife smirks back at her. A challenge. Maya pulls her legs up towards her torso, her feet planted flat against the couch cushion. She sits on the arm of the couch and shuffles her undies down her legs.

Carina watches her with great anticipation. “Stay there.” She moves closer. “Put your legs on my back.

She spreads her legs, giving Carina room, and when Carina is between her legs laying on her stomach with her shoulders popped up by her forearms, Maya carefully lays her legs over Carina’s shoulders and back. “Ahhh.” Maya gasps as a puff of cool air hits her heated core.

“Just seeing how sensitive you are.” The brunette smirks.

“Your face is literally all up in there. You can see. You didn’t have to blow.”

Carina chuckles. “You’re funny.” She mumbles and turns her head to the side, kissing the inside of Maya’s thigh. Without any more preamble, Carina takes a lick, coating her tongue in Maya’s wetness. She hums at the taste and a hand grips at her head.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? Carina works slow and steady. She listens to Maya’s moans. She feels Maya’s hand tightening in her hair. She sends Maya a few teasing licks but knows not to tease too much. Carina is more about pleasing than teasing anyway. She gets great joy out of getting Maya to moan and scream in pleasure. Though the screaming is rare. Carina is more than satisfied any time she gets her wife to cum. Maya’s pleasure is her pleasure.

Today is no exception. A few perfectly placed licks in combination with some well learned sucks and flicks of the tongue. Learning all of Maya’s sexual tells was amazing as they first started. Now, every movement is practiced and perfected. Maya’s body is like the earth, and she knows every single road and where it leads. It’s a language all on its own. She knows how Maya is going to react and vice versa. Maya can read her cues and tells like no other. Sex has always be marvelous between them, but it’s also been this beautiful give and take. A way to speak to each other without words.

Carina leans back and looks up to find Maya with a soft grin on her lips, heavily hooded eyes. She almost looks like she might fall over, like she’s swaying in place. “Hey?” She reaches up, her hand finding Maya’s cheek.

Maya slips down from the arm. With her butt on the couch cushion, she leans back against the arm. Little tingles, aftershocks of electric, ignite throughout her body. She breathes heavily but feels so light.

Carina allows Maya the space that she needs but places sets of feather light kisses against her abdomen. She works her way up, pressing decidedly wet kiss between Maya’s breasts. It’s back to the light kisses across her chest and collarbone.

She reaches for brunette hair, wrapping her fingers in the hair at the nape of Carina’s neck. Maya pulls Carina’s lips to hers in a hungry kiss. She moans against Carina’s lips. “I didn’t know Mrs. Clause gave mind blowing orgasms.”

Carina hums and turns around so she can lay against Maya. “Mrs. Clause has many talents.” She takes Maya’s hand and places them on her boobs, encouraging.

Maya smirks. Carina is so obvious with what she wants sometimes. And sometimes that’s good because Maya wouldn’t know if she didn’t say or do something to indicate that. She loves that Carina just does things like take her hands and put them where she wants them. Very forward and very sexy.

She fondles gently. Carina has the best boobs in the world. She might be biased but they are amazing. A flick over the nipples with her thumbs has Carina lean further into her and humming in delight. “You like that?”

“Y-yes.” Carina stutters as Maya pinches at her right nipple.

The way that Carina’s body reacts to her touch still amazes Maya to this day. She smirks as Carina practically writhes on top of her. A view so tantalizing, Carina splaying out on top of her, as she plays with the most perfect set of breasts.

Carina tips her head back. “Bacio.”

Maya cranes her neck but adheres to the request.

“What kind of underwear does Mrs. Clause wear?”

Carina pulls up the tiny skirt to reveal a pair of red lace underwear.

“You’re so freaking sexy.” Maya mumbles the second before she leans down and attaches her lips to the side of Carina’s neck. She wants to devour every little bit of Carina. Maya moves her hand from a stiff nipple down, lower, to a soft thigh and then inwards. A gentle touch against red fabric. A little pressure between Carina’s legs.

“Maya.”

It’s that neediness in Carina’s voice that Maya loves. Her wife needs her. It’s such a visceral reaction and yet every time it happens she always wants more. For as much as either of them can talk a big game, they are always left in pieces by the other during and after sex. In the best way. The emotion. The intensity. The connection.

“Like this?” Maya wants to know how Carina would like her sex served up today.

Like this? Carina needs a minute to think about the question. Her brain is like mush. Her body is thriving off of feelings. Maya is all consuming around her. The way Maya wraps around her as she lays against her chest, her legs between Maya’s. There’s nothing more that she wants or needs. “Si.”

Maya toys with the band of Carina’s underwear with her thumb, tipping its tip in, stroking against Carina’s skin. She caresses gently for a moment. Her lips presses against Carina’s shoulder as her eyes angle down the Italian’s torso. The sight of her hand dipping into those red lace panties has Maya’s mouth practically watering. It’s as delicious as it’s ever been. Seeing Carina in her most open and bare state, with need and want is a powerful aphrodisiac. “Can we take these off?” She wants to see all. She doesn’t want a barrier.

They lean forward and work jointly to get the underwear down Carina’s legs.

Carina misses the feel of Maya’s skin pressed against hers. She’s about to remove the Mrs. Clause dress completely to get the full body experience but Maya stops her with gentle hands.

“Leave it on. Please.”

Carina moans and leans against Maya again with her legs spread; the dress hiked up around her waist. She hooks her right thigh over Maya’s allowing as much access as possible. Maya doesn’t waste any time now. The foreplay is over. It’s time to get down to business.

And business is what Maya does. She tickles her fingertips against the inside of Carina’s right thigh before moving inward toward that slick heat. One of her favorite feelings in the world touches her fingertips.

The touch has Carina moaning in delightful pleasure. She wants more, needs more. And Maya skillfully provides more. She wraps her arm up around the back of herself, grabbing at any part of Maya that she can. A shoulder, her hair, the back of her head. She moves against Maya’s fingers and Maya’s fingers move against her. An easy rhythm that they both fall into.

Maya watches as they orchestrate together the most beautiful dance. She tips her head and presses a kiss to Carina’s temple. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Oh, Maya.” Carina moans, ever so close to her orgasm.

“I know.” She picks up the pace a little, add a little more pressure. She sees Carina’s toes on her left foot curl and smiles. So much of Carina is beautiful and adorable and wonderful. Even her toe curl.

Carina is clenching around fingers as her orgasm hits with pleasurable force. She digs her fingernails into Maya’s thigh, hearing a hissing from her wife as a result. But Maya never relents. She works Carina through her high and then slowly brings her down.

The firefighter presses kisses to Carina’s shoulder, her cheek, her temple. Anywhere her lips can reach, really. She wipes her fingers on the inside of Carina’s thigh before wrapping her arms around her wife. Carina turns to her side and cuddles against Maya.

“We’re really good at that.” She runs her palm up and down Maya’s arm.

Maya chuckles. They really are. She kisses Carina’s forehead. “Hey.”

Carina looks up and is met with Maya’s lips.

They share a soft kiss before Carina rests against Maya’s chest again. The silence in the room is comfortable as they recover and think about the next thing.

Carina’s stomach grumbles. She laughs. “I’ll start on breakfast.” Getting to her feet, she pulls Maya up from the couch as well.

“You want help?” Maya asks.

“You could clean this up.” She motions to the wrapping paper and boxes from the presents.

Maya sets a hand on Carina’s hip. “You got it, babe.”

While Carina is cooking breakfast Maya opens up the GI Joes. After she cleans up the present mess, of course. “This is-“ She hums. Her tongue pokes out between her lips as she sets up the guys and their weapons on the table. Maya is stunned by the gift and the thought that Carina put into it. This gift isn’t something practical or frivolous. It’s thoughtful and genuine. It shows how much Carina cares for and understands her. Maya feels gratitude and maybe a little lucky that she found someone in Carina that really sees her inner child. She sees the parts of Maya that are messy, and she accepts them. Maya wasn’t ever really sure that love existed. But then she met Carina, and she opened up her world to new possibilities. This is just another example of Carina’s love.

She pushes her chair backwards and gets to her feet. Maya quietly walks over to the stove. The Christmas music playing in the background disguises her steps, so Carina jumps a little when Maya wraps her arms around her waist from behind. “I love you.”

Carina turns her head to get a glimpse of her wife. She wonders what’s going on. Maya’s I love you seems emotional, weepy even. Her voice unsteady. “Stai bene?”

Maya nods and slips to Carina’s side. “Tutto bene. Thank you for the gifts.”

Carina hums and wraps an arm around Maya. “Thank you for the sesso.” She smirks. Maya rolls her eyes at Carina. “And the gifts. They are very- what’s the word-“

“Meaningful.”

“Well, there’s that but it’s more than that. It’s a promise. It’s hope.” She presses a chaste kiss to the blonde’s lips. “It’s our future.” Carina whispers.

Maya nods. It’s all those things and more. “Thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being my wife. Thank you for loving me.” She sometimes doesn’t love herself, but Carina always always loves her. “Thank you for cooking breakfast for me.” She glances over at the food.

“I’m cooking breakfast for us.” Carina pats Maya’s backside. “And you don’t need to thank me.”

“No, I do.” Maya insists. “I don’t want to seem ungrateful. Because I’m very grateful. This life we share is beyond amazing. And I feel so thankful for that. Like, today I really feel it.”

Carina pinches some scrambled eggs from the skillet and lifts them to Maya’s mouth. “Here.” She has the firefighter open up. “Ti amo. Sempre. Our life together is amazing.”

Maya tries the eggs and nods. They are good. She nods about the eggs and what Carina is saying. She stays right there. Her toys forgotten on the table for a moment. The thought and feeling of everything that they have takes over. Carina has made Christmases wonderful; when Maya had hated the idea of them in the past.


“Psst.”

Maya spins around at the noise. A big smile blooms on her face. “You’re here.”

Carina nods. “I am. Like Cinderella, I made it home before midnight.”

The firefighter tilts her head in confusion. They are at the fire station, not at home.

“You’re my home, bella.” Carina reminds her very silly wife.

Maya sets her soapy towel down and wipes her hands on her pants. “Right. Sorry.” She takes Carina by the hand. “Come on.”

Their little meet up had already been discussed. It’s New Year’s Eve and Maya is on shift, but she wanted to spend at least a few minutes with her wife as one year comes to an end and the new year begins. Maya hopes that the year can be good for them, and she wants to start off on the right foot by being with Carina when the clock strikes midnight. Nothing too glamourous or insane, just some time together and hopefully a kiss.

She takes Carina up to the roof. No one is up there which helps in their little plans. But it is cold. The lieutenant had already thought of that. She’s got an extra SFD coat for Carina to wear if she gets too cold. The Italian is sporting her own very stylish tan coat, but Maya has another coat just in case.

They come to a stop and Maya pulls Carina into her body. “You’re not going to turn into a pumpkin on me?”

Carina grins. “No, bella.” She brushes a few hairs that have come loose from Maya’s ponytail behind her ear, leaving her hand on the side of Maya’s face. “Happy New Year.”

“It’s not the new year yet.”

“No. But I can say it.” By some maybe small miracle Maya and the crew aren’t out on a call. Carina isn’t sure how much time they will get to celebrate the new year before a call could come in. “And I’m saying it now because you never know.”

Maya nods and hums. “This is true. We will probably be busy later. As the party goers go home. Car accidents. Drunken injuries. That sort of thing.” She doesn’t want to mention drunk drivers, but she knows she and Carina are both thinking that.

Checking her watch for the time, Maya sees they only have two minutes to midnight. The clock will strike twelve and a new year will begin. Just like that.

“I’m happy you’re here.”

That makes Carina’s most I’m in love with Maya smile take shape. “I’m happy I’m here too.” She leans in for a kiss but Maya leans back.

“Not until midnight.”

“Maya.” Carina whines and then pouts.

“Not the pout.” She tries to tease but Carina accentuates her pout even more. It has Maya giggling and leaning in for a brief kiss.

She rests her forehead against Carina’s. “I want happiness and success and health for us in the new year.” She doesn’t mention their baby plans. She doesn’t want to jinx them. But Maya has hope for that as well.

“I want happiness and health and positive experiences.” Carina adds her own. “I love you, Lieutenant Bishop.”

Maya frowns.

“Hey, no.” Carina tips her head back. She takes Maya’s face in her hand. “You are a strong capable lieutenant. You go out there and apply yourself the best you can every day. There is no shame in that. You should be proud of yourself and your position.”

“But it’s not-“

Carina puts her hand over Maya’s mouth and shakes her head. “I don’t love you because of your job title.” She’ll say it until she’s blue in the face. “I love you for you.”

Maya nods and wraps herself around Carina. “I love you.”

They hold onto each other for a moment.

Suddenly, fireworks start going off in the neighborhood around them.

“It’s midnight.” Maya whispers and looks up to find Carina looking back at her with the warmest love filled eyes.

"Baciami, bambina.” She whispers and leans in for a kiss.

Maya connects and shares in the celebration of their love and the new year. They share a few sweet kisses before Maya sighs.

Carina turns Maya around and pulls her back against her chest, holding onto her around the hips. She rests her chin on Maya’s shoulder. “Happy New Year, bella.” The words are whispered.

“Happy New Year, my love.” Maya finds Carina’s hands with her own, giving them a gentle squeeze.

They watch fireworks go off for a few minutes before returning inside to partake in the snacks that have been set out for the evening’s celebrations.

“Carina, I didn’t know you where joining us.” Travis waves her over.

She scoots over to him and gives him a side hug. “I snuck in. I needed a moment with Maya first.” She glances lovingly over at her wife.

Travis holds a hand to his chest. “That’s so cute.” A tiny part of him wishes Emmett were here too. “Have some snacks.”

“I’ll pass.” Carina shakes her head. It’s after midnight. She shouldn’t be eating anything. She has to work tomorrow and should actually be getting home and going to bed.

Maya gets a little plate and collects a few cheeses and some crackers. Some tortilla chips and a little dab of some hazelnut spread that Vic brought. She brings the plate over by her wife as she munches on a cracker.

Carina takes a piece of cheese and puts it in her mouth.

Travis and Vic laugh. “Not having any, huh?”

Carina shrugs as she chews. “I can’t pass up cheese.”

Maya smiles. She knows this. That’s why, even though Carina said she wasn’t going to have anything, she collected a few pieces of cheese for her wife.

Chatting and snacking with the crew makes a lovely way to ring in the new year. Carina is most pleased with her special little moment with Maya up on the roof. But tomorrow is already upon them and she has to leave to get some rest. So with a squeeze and a kiss from Maya she heads for home.

Chapter 68

Notes:

Hello all, heres a little update for this story. It deals with some things from 5.9 or the aftermath of 5.9 for Maya and Carina.
The events of 5.9: they station meets Ross, she goes on the call to rescue Owen with them, they come back to the station and Ross promotes Sullivan to lieutenant immediately. Also Carina and Vic (and Jack) have two kids come into the station that they help and then Carina checks up on Vic cuz her heart is doing weird things. They go to the hospital and Carina informs Vic that she is ‘in the family way’.

Chapter Text

Maya comes home after her first shift with the new lady chief. As Ross came in and started talking about how she was going to run things and how they were going to be different, Maya was optimistic. So optimistic she wanted to ask about where her investigation was at. But by the end of the day, she had already been disappointed by the new lady chief.

“Hey, bella.” Carina looks over her shoulder.

“Hi.” Maya mumbles.

Carina frowns. Sometimes Maya is tired or worn down after an exhausting shift and sometimes she’s not, but she’s usually more upbeat in greeting Carina than just now.

Carina takes a bite from her banana and continues packing her lunch. Maya comes over and pecks Carina on the cheek; her hand grazing across Carina’s back and she passes by behind her.

Carina’s head swivels around as Maya walks right through the kitchen and into the bedroom. “Okay, bella. Have a good sleep.”

“Yeah.” Maya mumbles.

Carina knows something is wrong. Maya, at least, says good morning, have a good day at work, asks if she’s made a breakfast, or what Carina is packing for lunch. Something. Anything. But to get nothing from the blonde about her shift or about Carina’s day is unusual.

She and Vic had left the station before the crew got back from their call. Carina knew the nature of the call and how serious it was, but she wouldn’t have thought it would have put Maya in such a down mood. She was at the hospital when they brought in Owen, but she was busy taking care of Vic and didn’t hear about it until Owen was out of surgery.

She assumes that something happened during the call. Somebody did something wrong, made a mistakes. Or someone got in an argument from their team. Something to rock the boat. Something to throw Maya’s mood off.

Carina finishes her banana and packing her lunch. She goes to the bedroom and peeks inside. Maya is already curled up in the fetal position in bed, hiding under the comforter.

She goes over and sits on the edge of the bed placing a hand on Maya’s hip. “Are you sleeping?”

Maya shakes her head. She looks over her shoulder at her wife. “You look amazing. Have a good day.” She smiles weakly. She knows that’s what Carina wants her to say so she says it and hopes it is convincing enough.

Carina smiles sadly. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

“I’m fine. It was just a long shift.” Maya tells her. Those things aren’t untrue but the have no bearing on her bad mood. “Are we still going to that restaurant tonight?”

“Si.” Carina nods. She wants to ask more. She knows Maya is holding something back. But she knows not to push. She knows- they’ve been getting better at communicating over the years. Carina knows not to push. And Maya usually tells her what’s bothering her when she’s done processing it and ready to spill.

“Okay, I’ll see you tonight then.” Maya turns and tips her chin up, asking for a kiss.

Carina leans over and presses her lips to Maya’s. “I love you.”

Maya takes a deep breath. “I love you, amore.”

Carina smiles slightly. It will always endear her when Maya uses Italian. However little of it she uses. She runs her hand over Maya thigh adding a little more affection before she has to go. “Have a good nap, bella.”

Maya nods and lays back down.

Maya sleeps most of the day. She just wants to forget about her last shift. Their call to the scene of the car over the ridge went well. The entire time she had the chief’s presence in the back of her mind and wanted to work to the best of her ability to show the chief that she’s good at her job. They rescued Owen Hunt with the only problem being Warren going rogue. But they got the job done. They got Owen out and to the hospital.

There was another call later in the day. A minor car accident. A kid with a broken arm that they had to transport. But Maya mostly just went through the motions on that call. She knows she shouldn’t. She knows it’s not right, not safe, that she should be focused. But it was hard to focus after Ross promoted Sullivan to lieutenant as soon as the got back from Owen’s rescue. The hope that she had early was stolen from Maya in that instant and she hasn’t been able to shake herself out of her mood since.

She gets out of bed at five and showers and gets dressed and ready for dinner. She goes to the hospital to meet Carina like they had planned.

She waits in Carina’s office for her to get done with work. One of the nurses said that the doctor was running a little behind schedule. Maya doesn’t mind waiting but she wishes Carina would’ve been ready to go so they can go to dinner and go home. She not really in the mood for a dinner date night.

“Oh, ciao bella.” Carina walks into her office. Maya gets up from Carina’s desk chair and goes over to Carina and pulls her into a kiss.

“What was that for?” Carina is a little surprised. Pleased but surprised. She wasn’t sure what mood Maya would be in tonight since the last time she saw her wife she was in an apparently gloomy one.

Maya shrugs, looking down at her feet. “I just thought- this morning I didn’t- I just appreciate you.” That was the one thing that Maya didn’t like about their interactions this morning.

The doctor smiles lopsided. People think Maya is some robot but she’s not. She has feelings and emotions, and she is sensitive just like most people. She just doesn’t show it all that often. “I appreciate you too.” Carina reaches out and takes Maya’s hand, swinging it back and forth a little. “You still want to go to dinner?” It seems like Maya is feeling better.

Maya isn’t hungry but she doesn’t want to cancel dinner with her wife because she had a crappy day yesterday and it’s still bothering her today. “Yes.”

“Okay, let me just take this off and log off my computer.” Carina drops Maya’s hand and shrugs her white lab coat off. She sits at her desk and logs out before getting up again and grabbing her bag and coat. “Ready?”

Maya nods holding out her hand. They walk out of the hospital hand in hand. “Tell me about your day? How’s Owen doing? Have you heard?”

Carina hums. “Surgery went well. He should make a full recovery. It will take months though.”

Maya hums. “He’s lucky to be alive. The car he was in fell 100 ft. There was a tree going through it. And it was crushed pretty good. We had to cut the roof off. And then his leg was pinned so we had to use the jaws to free him.” Now Maya can tell Carina about the call.

“Sounds like a big mission.” Carina unlocks her car. “I’m sure you were the fastest, strongest, most organized of all.” She praises Maya.

Maya hums but ignores Carina’s compliment. “It was. We had to repel down the ridge first before anything else. That was all shrub brush. Hard to get through without getting tangled or caught. Challenging, for sure.”

Carina starts the car nodding and humming as Maya tells her all about the scene. She keeps Maya talking all the way to the restaurant. She knew it would work; she could get Maya to talk to her if she asked about the calls they had. This one just so happened to involve one of her coworkers at the hospital needing rescue.

They go in and are seated. Carina asks what else happened on Maya’s last shift. She was literally at the fire house, but they never crossed paths. Carina was talking with Ben and Jack when the call came in for Owen and everyone but Jack left; and then she went to the hospital with Vic to have her heart palpitations looked at only to find out that Vic is pregnant. Unfortunately, she can’t tell Maya about it.

Maya tells Carina what she can remember about the accident that they were sent to with the kid with the broken arm. Not nearly as exciting as repelling down a cliff to save a man’s life but still part of the job.

“What did you do yesterday on your day off?” Maya cuts up her steak. “I thought you were going to come to the station to talk ideas with Ben and Jack. Did something else come up?”

“No. I was there.” She keeps her words brief.

Maya looks over confused. “You were? I didn’t see you.” Maya starts to think back to yesterday. Was she so preoccupied that she didn’t know her wife was at her fire station? Was she so caught up in Chief Ross that she didn’t pay any attention to her wife being in the same building that she was in? Is she that much of a selfish asshole.

“Si, bella.” Carina cracks her lobster. “I was there. All of five minutes before you guys got called to the car over the ridge scene.”

“Leon’s Ridge.” Maya mumbles the useless information.

“Si, that. Don’t fret. You did not miss me. I missed you.” Carina dips her lobster in the melted butter and brings it to her mouth with a delicious hum.

“And so-“ Maya asks.

“The guys told me that we should’ve got more funding than we did.” Carina explains that the new chief is withholding funding for their project.

Maya knows this part though. She was there when the new chief told Ben and Jack in front of the whole team. She’s not going to comment on it either way. She doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers between her wife and her new chief. Maya already has enough problems she doesn’t need to add anymore herself.

“Then Ben had to go so Jack and I thought of ideas to raise money. A girl and her brother stopped in looking for help. Oh, the poor piccola, she was so mortified.” Carina licks the butter from her lips.

“Why?”

Carina shakes her head. “She was bleeding. Her brother thought she was going to bleed to death. They were scared cuz their mother died. She bled to death. So Victoria and I figured out what was happening.”

“Vic was there?” Maya feels like she missed so much yesterday.

“Oh.” Carina pauses. She wasn’t going to mention Vic and clearly Maya didn’t know that Vic stopped by. She supposes that Jack didn’t tell anyone. “She stopped by for a little bit. Just to catch up but you all were out.” She goes back into the story, hoping that Maya doesn’t ask about Vic. “The girl doesn’t have a mother and she didn’t know that she was bleeding cuz she had just started menstruating. It was the first time.”

Maya chuckles.

“That’s not funny, Maya. The poor girl was terrified and embarrassed.” Carina frowns across the table at her wife.

The firefighter waves her right hand around knowing that Carina is getting the wrong idea. “No, I’m not laughing at that. That would be mortifying. How is it that people with problems that just so happening to be your specialty keep walking into our fire house when you’re there.” Maya shakes her head.

“Oh.” Carina smiles a little. “That is a little funny.”

“I’m sure you got everything straightened out for her. Told her everything she needed to know and sent her on her way.”

“Si. I did.” Carina grins, proud.

“I freakin love you.” Her wife is the kindest, most helpful, genuine person she knows. She’s also super smart and sexy. And Maya loves her with ever fiber of her being.

Carina reaches her hand across the table. Maya takes it easily. “Will you tell me what happened yesterday?” Now that they’ve each shared about their days yesterday and loosened up Carina thinks that maybe Maya will tell her what happened.

Maya wrinkles up her brow. “I did.”

“Come on, bella.” Carina whines and pouts. “I know something is bothering you.”

Maya looks around. She’s not surprised that Carina knows something is bothering her. But she can’t tell Carina now. Not at the restaurant. She feels ready to though. But not here. Carina will have to wait until they get home. “Not now.”

“Maya, will you please-“

“I said not now.” Maya says firmly, pulling her hand away from Carina’s and gritting her teeth.

Carina pulls her hand back feeling a little hurt at Maya’s harsh words.

Maya can see the reaction she’s caused. She hates it. So, she reaches across the table again. “Please?” She opens and closes her fingers trying to get Carina to take her hand again. “Not here, Carina. I just want to get dessert and finish a lovely dinner with you.” She smiles softly for Carina. “I’m sorry I snapped.”

Carina reaches out and puts her hand in Maya’s.

“Thank you, my love.” Maya whispers squeezing a soft, delicate hand.

Carina nods.

“When we get home.” Maya promises softly. She’s going to need to tell Carina and she’s going to need to cry and she’s going to need Carina to hold her. She can’t do that in a restaurant.

“At home.” Carina understands now.

They get home and Maya goes to change while Carina puts their doggy bag in the fridge.

Maya sits on the bed a little away from the headboard and waits for Carina to remove her makeup and change into pajamas.

When Carina is finished, she comes over, slipping in behind Maya, back against the headboard. Maya moves back so she’s between Carina’s legs; a position that they’ve taken advantage of when Maya needs to talk through something or be vulnerable but is having trouble doing so. Carina wraps an arm around Maya’s waist and pulls her against her chest. “What’s wrong, bambina?”

Maya sighs. “We got a new chief yesterday.” She closes her eyes as the disappointment washes over her again.

“I heard. A lady chief.” Carina presses a kiss to Maya’s shoulder, reminding her that it’s okay, that she is here and that she can say whatever she wants in the security of their bedroom. “That’s very impressive. A woman in a high position of power.”

“Yeah.” Maya mumbles.

“Is this what’s bothering you? Do you miss being captain? Is that it?” Carina feels like that has to be a connection there to Maya’s mood and her demotion.

Maya hums. “Yes and no.” She shrugs.

“How so?” Carina wraps her other arm around Maya so both arms are around her and rests her chin on her wife’s shoulder.

“I have liked being in the action again. Running into burning building, repelling down the cliff yesterday. There’s a thrill in that that you don’t get being captain. But also, yes, because I was in charge. I was the first female captain in Seattle fire history. It was a big deal. Or I thought it was a big deal. Maybe I made too much out of it and inflated my ego too much. And that’s why I failed.”

“Oh, bambina, you didn’t fail.” Carina presses a kiss to the side of Maya’s neck. They’ve been over this what feels like dozens of times in the last 16 months.

“It still feels like I did. And this new lady chief came in like it was no big deal today. She just walked in and took over. That could’ve been me. I could’ve been a female chief.”

Carina squeezes Maya feeling terrible for the way Maya feels. She doesn’t interrupt though. She wants Maya to be able to work through her thoughts and emotions.

“I’m just a lieutenant. Bumped down to permanent lieutenant again. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever be. Then what?” She hangs her head in shame.

Carina nuzzles her nose against Maya’s shoulder at the sadness in her wife’s voice. It’s hard to Maya talk with so much negativity about herself and her job. She knows it’s something Maya takes immense pride in so for her to be talking so negatively it’s a bad sign.

“I don’t know, bambina. That’s up to you. I’m sure you’ll get promoted back up soon.” Carina doesn’t know how hurtful her words are to Maya right now. They are supposed to be supportive but, in reality, they are the opposite.

Maya chews on her lip, trying to keep the tears at bay but they are already pooling in her eyes. “No, you’re wrong.”

Carina scoffs. “Okay, bambina. Do you not want to be captain again? Do you not want to be battalion chief or chief? I thought that was your goal. That’s what you wanted.”

Maya shakes her head.

“Okay, bambina. That’s fine then. I’m fine if you’re just a lieutenant and a regular firefighter.” Though the thought scares Carina to death. There’s more danger if Maya is a lieutenant or firefighter or probie. But if that’s what Maya wants, she will support her.

“She was talking about promotions and she’s got spots to fill- blah, blah, blah-“ Maya throws her left hand in the air, swinging it around frantically. She really wishes she were up and pacing the room right now, but Carina is holding her down. And she loves that Carina is holding her, but she also doesn’t.

“She promoted Sullivan as soon as we got back from dropping Owen off at the hospital.” Maya closes her eyes, and the tears fall from them now.

“What?” Carina is shocked and anger alights within her.

Maya shakes her head rapidly, feeling like she’s about to freak out. “I don’t think I should be captain again right now. But she had me thinking that it was possible that she was going to promote me and then she promoted Sullivan. And it’s not that he got promoted. That’s fine. It’s that she did it today. She was with us for a few hours only. How can she find or see enough to promote someone so quickly? I mean, I know she’s read up on all of us, on all of our files. But today. If it were Travis or Cutler or anybody else, I don’t know if I would’ve taken it so hard. It had to be him.” Maya tries not to harbor any harsh feelings for the man, but they are there. They exist. She can’t deny that. “So, I don’t know if I want to be promoted again or go for any promotions that might come up. It’s too much. After everything that’s happened, it’s too much. There was that little bit of hope and then it was squashed like a bug on the bottom of your shoe.”

“Oh, Maya.” Carina holds Maya closer. She can see the cruelness in what has happened. And maybe even the unfairness. To promote someone based on one call no matter how good that person performed seems like it’s jumping to get a certain reaction. Carina starts to wonder about this new female chief. She thought a female meant good things for Maya and the department. But so far she’s seen their clinic project being underfunded and a snap promotion. It has Carina’s suspicious spidey-senses tingling.

It's like Maya is thinking the same. “It almost seems cruel at this point. They left me hanging with a demotion for how many months. McCallister takes an early retirement and that’s it. Over. I’m starting all over again. But this time I don’t know if I want to go up. And I know that means something different for us too. I’ve just been trying to wrap my brain around it.” Maya sighs feeling like she’s disappointing Carina again.

Carina runs her hands up and down Maya’s arms as Maya sniffles. “It’s okay. You can let it out.” She tries to coax Maya to lean into her emotions. “It does sound-“ Carina shrugs. “I don’t know if unfair is the right word. Maybe you were right when you said cruel.” Her thoughts are whirling with the information she has been giving and what it means.

“I love you, Maya.” She presses a kiss to Maya’s shoulder.

That breaks the dam. The sobs start and Maya turns onto her side and curls into Carina’s chest. Carina holds her and presses her lips to any spot she can reach. She lets Maya cry until she can’t anymore.

The blonde finally looks up with red swollen eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Carina shakes her head. “No.” She presses her finger to the tip of Maya’s nose. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I love you. Thank you for telling me. And I’m sorry that this is so difficult.”

Maya nods and rests her head on Carina’s chest.

They lay together for a long time in simple silence. Each in their own thoughts, but similar or the same sort of thoughts, but physically together.

Chapter 69

Notes:

hello all. welcome to another chapter. here we are skipping our way through parts of 5b. thanks to all for reading and supporting. Enjoy!?!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Over the course of the next few days, Carina sees a shift in Maya. In her mood, of course. It’s not as painfully sad as it had been. But she also sees her focus.

Or hyper-focus.

Maya starts to focus on fire protocols and fire procedures. So much so that she’s bringing binders and folders into the bedroom and to bed with them.

Carina is all for a little light reading before bed, but this isn’t light reading. Maya is reading and reciting the procedures. She’s asked if Maya is preparing for a test of some sort to which the blonde says she isn’t but that she wants to study up in case Chief Ross asks her a question about the rules.

She’s happy that Maya isn’t too sad anymore about her missed opportunity to be promoted. But they were talking about starting a family and any time that Carina tries to bring it up now Maya has her nose stuck in a book or binder of papers. It’s starting to feel like she’s being ignored. Or that Maya doesn’t care.

Carina is present for the 10K in Turnouts and she cheers Maya on as she wins. It’s surprising to her though that Maya had to come from behind to win. She wonders if all the studying in recent days has taken away from Maya’s athletic endeavors.

Vic pulls her aside after the race with worry and concern on her facial features. She asks about a surgical abortion, but Carina has to inform her in her doctor voice that she’s not far enough along for that.

So, Carina has that to deal with on top of a distracted Maya. Plus, the sperm bank called and they have an opening on Tuesday. Carina is both excited and worried about the prospect. She knows Maya is preoccupied but she is excited that they can get an earlier appointment than originally thought. She just has to broach the subject with Maya.

When she does, Maya doesn’t even look up from her binder. But the klaxon goes off and Maya has to leave saying that they will go to the sperm bank on Tuesday and that she was listening.

Carina isn’t sure that Maya really was. She may having been listening but was she truly hearing what Carina was saying. The Italian has her doubts. And they fill her with unease.

With everyone else out on a call or otherwise occupied, Carina finds herself with Jack.

“Her career is her baby. Maya.” She realizes this now. It’s not the first time that she’s thought that. Maya had seemed so focused and so into them having a baby before Christmas, but it seems like things have changed. Not that Maya has said anything, but it feels like, to Carina, that her focus is all on work since Chief Ross showed up. “That’s the thing she’ll fight for. That she’ll break her hands to protect. Over and over. That’s the dream she’s chasing.” Carina knows Maya wants to be captain again. “Not me. Not having a family. I come second.” It’s so distressing to say out loud.

“No, I know that’s not true.” Jack says correctly.

“It’s just so difficult. Finding the right donor. Doing the insemination. Part of me is always afraid that if everything doesn’t line up perfectly before she gets her captaincy back, it won’t happen at all.” Carina feels like there is a time restraint on this process.

She feels like if she doesn’t get pregnant and they don’t have a baby before Maya is captain again the opportunity will be gone forever. Carina hates the thought. She hates that she doesn’t have faith that Maya can do more than one thing at once. That she can have a career and a family at the same time.

Maya was the first person to put her first. She did it when the chief was coming for an inspection and Maya left to help Carina and Andrew. She put Carina first in the aftermath of Andrew’s death. She has put her first but now she’s not first anymore. Carina has been pushed to the background and she feels a little of those abandonment issues that she’s had her entire life rearing up again.

Maya was fine for a long time. She was fine when nothing was happening with McCallister and her investigation. She didn’t know anything, but she was fine with that. And then Ross came in and said she was going to make long overdue changes, that she was going to fix things in the department, right wrongs. So that gave Maya hope. And then they came back from rescuing Owen and Ross talked about promoting someone and that gave Maya more hope. And then Ross promoted Sullivan. And dashed all the hopes that she had. Not only were her hopes dashed, Maya was devastated. She had thought that some progress was going to be made, she was finally going to get some sort of answer to the investigation question.

Carina wonders what Sullivan did on the call, that Maya didn’t, that got him promoted.

So, Maya redoubled her efforts. She was studying protocols and procedures, review all the equipment and how to use it properly. She made sure to come in first in the 10k N Turnouts. Not that she was going to come in anything other than first. But she needed Chief Ross to see her. To see how fast and strong she was, that she could compete and beat the men.

And Carina knows all this. But that doesn’t change that fact that it’s sort of left Carina high and dry on the baby making front. She wants to talk to Maya about it. About the donor and the sperm bank and everything but Maya is off studying or stacking hoses or wiping down the trucks. Anything she can do to show initiative. To show that she knows what she’s doing just as much as anyone else at their station. She is trying to prove herself all over again and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for Carina.


They go back and forth about sperm donors. Each arguing for their pick. Carina hates that Maya is trying to ‘win’ this argument. She doesn’t understand why it, still, has to be about winners and losers. Why do Americans care so much about who wins and who loses?

When Maya shows up at the hospital with coffee, Carina is surprised to see her. She’s even more surprised that Maya, now, wants the donor to be someone they know. The blonde explains it as having more control over the situation.

Maya says it isn’t all about her winning the sperm donor game but after she is gone, Carina thinks that it really is. Maya said she wants to control who their donor is. The message and the intent seem to be mixed and leave Carina wondering what is going to ultimately happen with them in choosing a donor.


Maya is running on the treadmill when Chief Ross comes in and scares her. This is the moment Maya has been waiting and preparing for. She’s been studying up. She been anticipating this meeting with the chief. She just didn’t think it would be when she’s all sweaty and out of breath.

Ross says that her temporary demotion was well over a year ago and that they should talk. On Tuesday.

Finally. Maya thinks as Ross walks out of the gym. She gets almost giddy about the possibility. All of her problems are about to be solved. She’s just got to figure out a few things beforehand.

Like how Sullivan and the Chief know each other.

She has to nail this meeting and get her captaincy back and then they can finally be rid of Beckett. So, Maya drills Sullivan on how he knows the chief. He doesn’t spill anything that is helpful to Maya though. She knows there’s something there that he’s not revealing. Maya does have eyes. And a brain. She can see it and is trying to put together whatever relationship that Ross and Sullivan have.


Tuesday comes and Maya is up early. She can’t sleep. She gets her running clothes on and grabs a medicine ball and gets on the treadmill and starts running. She knows it’s going to wake Carina up, but she also knows that the doctor has to be up for work in a little bit anyway.

Carina groans at the sound of the treadmill whirling away in the other room. She flops onto her back and holds her pillow over her face. “Maya.” She sighs and wishes Maya weren’t so stressed out about today.

They say their goodbyes with a quick kiss and an I love you. Both of them with nervous butterflies swirling in their stomachs about what today might hold.

The polishing of the engine is going well but again Chief Ross catches Maya by surprise. Again.

Maya is caught again by surprise a third time when the chief tells her that she broke chain of command and was insubordinate and didn’t show any remorse.

The first two, Maya won’t disagree with. But remorse?

The call comes in for a fire at a candy factory and Maya shifts focus in the truck on the way to the scene.

When they get back, they have dinner and try to decompress. Beckett’s ineptitude could have gotten them killed. Maya doesn’t know why he’s inept, she has her theories. And they might include a bottle of booze. Either way, it shouldn’t have happened. She shouldn’t have been the one to realize that he was holding the map of the building upside down. Maya is good with details. She’s always been good with details.  This wasn’t even a big detail, but he completely missed it. And the results could have been disastrous.

Her thoughts go back to Chief Ross’s meeting with her earlier. Not what was actually said but the fact that she hasn’t given Carina an update yet.

Maya digs her phone from her pocket. The thought of making the call makes her stomach flip. And not in a good way.

She sits on her bunk waiting for Carina to pick up. “Come on.” Maya mumbles under her breath.

Just when she thinks the call is about to go to voicemail Carina picks up. “Ciao, bambina. How was your day?” She’s a little out of breath. Maya had her big talk with the chief today, and she can’t wait to hear how it went. The phone was all the way in the bedroom, and she was in the kitchen making something to eat.

“Hi.” Maya mumbles.

Carina knows right then and there the meeting didn’t go well; from one tiny word and the way Maya’s say it.

“I’m not getting my spot back.” Maya can’t even use the word captain.

“I’m sorry, amore mio.” Carina closes her eyes. A little bit of the pressure that she was feeling about having a baby before Maya got her captaincy is lifted. As bad as that might seem that’s a thought that runs through her brain right away. “What did she say?”

Maya hums. She can’t go over what Ross said.

When she is met with silence, Carina asks if they can FaceTime instead.

“No.” The answer is immediate.

It crushes Carina’s heart, but Maya can’t see her. Even over FaceTime, because she knows she’ll lose it and breakdown at work. She feels like she a barely holding it together right now.

Carina’s day is complete. She went to the store to get champagne and the bakery to get pastries after work; for in the morning when Maya gets off shift so they can celebrate Maya being captain again. Looks like there’s no need to celebrate now.

To Carina, Maya had seemed confident that she was going to get reinstated and that she didn’t think the opposite could be true.

“Okay, bella, tell me about the rest of your day.”

Maya scoffs. “That didn’t go much better. Beckett nearly got everyone inside of a factory killed. Most of nineteen and twenty-three.”

Carina shakes her head, “Stupido.” Her wife has told her plenty of stories over the last year where Beckett has done something stupid or wrong on a call that could have gotten someone injured or killed or should have resulted in his suspension or demotion or firing. But for whatever reason, he is still the captain of station nineteen.

As Maya shares about the call, Carina thinks of ways she can cheer her blonde up. She wants to be there, at the station, now, to hug and hold Maya but she knows that won’t go over well. Maya doesn’t even want to FaceTime right now. She thinks maybe they can still have champagne and pastries in the morning as a way to move past this disappointment and look forward to other things.

She fills Maya in on how her day went. Nothing too crazy happened. She did deliver twins though so that’s always cool in Carina’s opinion. Especially when they are healthy with no complications, like today.

In the morning, Maya pushes the door open and sees the display on the table. Flowers and pastries and champagne. Her kind and precious wife has set this up for her and it’s the nicest thing, but Maya hates it. She hates it right now. She doesn’t want it. She doesn’t want kindness, and niceness. She doesn’t want Carina in a robe and all cheery when she comes out and saying ‘ta da’.

She turns to her. “I told you last night- that the chief said no.”

“I know.” Carina doesn’t relent. “But I had already chilled the champagne.” She gestures to the bottle on the end of the table. “So, I decided we’re still celebrating.”

Maya hates it. She doesn’t want to celebrate. In her opinion, there isn’t anything worth celebrating.

“There are so many things to celebrate.”

It’s like a knife plunging deeper. Carina words just wedge it in further. She shakes her head and steps away from Carina. “I can’t.” She doesn’t want to contaminate Carina with her negativity. “I’m angry. And frustrated. And I need to throw things.” She hates the words that are coming out of her. She turns around, not able to face Carina anymore. Carina with her warm eyes, her kind words, even her sympathetic smile. It’s too much.

“And get this out of my system. And I can’t do that when you are being kind.” She’s about as far away from Carina as she can get inside their apartment. She can’t be close to her right now. She can’t feel any sort of comfort or love from Carina at this point. “And supportive. So please just-“ She stares off to the side, not making eye contact with the doctor. She shakes her head because she knows what she is going to say is going to disappoint Carina. “Let me be pissed for a little bit.”

To her surprise Carina nods and whispers an ‘okay’. The brunette starts to move to their bedroom.

Carina might not understand, and she might be disappointed, but Maya needs to let her know that she’s not to blame, that she’s not mad or angry with Carina. “I still love you. And we’re still making a baby.”

That gets Carina to pause.

“Okay, I just- need to get this out first.” Maya doesn’t want this to taint their baby making process. Though, somewhere deep inside she knows it likely already has.

Carina doesn’t say anything. Maya sees her nod before her wife disappears into their bedroom. She hates to see Carina go but she’s the one that basically told her to. She throws her backpack down on the couch and then rips the zipper down on her hoodie, pulling it off and wadding it up into a ball.

The scream that she produces burns her lungs and her throat. She blocks it with the hoodie but she’s aware that it doesn’t muffle all the noise.

After that first scream, Maya falls to her knees. She takes the pillow from the couch and screams into it. She bites at it, leaving teeth marks before smashing it against the floor over and over and over. She tries to get all her rage out. She can’t, literally, throw things so she smashes both couch pillows against the hard surface of the floor. A few of the times she smashes her knuckles in the process.

She’s too tired to go for a run. All of Maya’s remaining energy is put into smashing those pillows. She is too drained form the last twenty-four hours to do much of anything but let out this burst of anger. She’s put off thinking about what Ross said until after her shift. That, in itself, was exhausting. But now…

Maya screams until her throat is raw, the pillows are ruined, and her knuckles are bruised and a couple are bleeding. There’s nothing left. She feels empty. Maya lays her cheek against the couch cushion just staring off towards the end of the couch and at the window in that direction but looks at nothing. Just staring.

After a few minutes, she registers that Carina is behind her somewhere. She hears the clanking of dishes.

Once the screaming stops, Carina dares to venture out into the dining area. She sees Maya with her knees on the floor, slumped over the couch, her face pressed against the cushion. The sight makes her heart ache. She knows Maya is devastated about what Chief Ross said. She knows she is angry. Carina is angry too at what the department has put her wife through. But Maya crouched there, despondent, is heart breaking. And maybe it’s the part where Maya wants to be alone, where she doesn’t want Carina’s niceness or comfort that breaks her heart the most.

She has put clothes on and brushed her hair and put on some light make up. She needed to do something as a distraction while Maya was endlessly screaming.

Maya said she needed time and implied she wanted space and Carina has learned to just do that. To leave Maya to her own devices for 12 or 24 hours and then come back and they can regroup. Though she’s never seen Maya this angry about anything before so she wonders if it will take more than 24 hours. Carina wonders if she should go stay with a friend or Katherine for a few days. She just plans on going out for now to get some groceries and run some errands; to leave Maya the apartment to do with what she wants.

She cleans up the table, putting everything away with a little frown. She munches on one of the croissants as she does so. She gets her bag and her coat, throwing it on. She writes a note for Maya and leaves it on the table. She then summarizes the note with words.

“Maya, I’m going to head out for the day. I have some errands to run, some shopping to do. I’ll be back later. Do you want or need anything before I go?” Carina doesn’t get any response, not that she expected to. She watches Maya for a moment. The position she is in looks entirely uncomfortable. She debates whether she should approach her or not. The doctor can’t stay away though.

She walks over putting two fingers to Maya’s shoulder. A gentle press. Maya flinches but doesn’t make any other moves. “I’m going out. I’ll be back later.” She repeats.

“Do you need anything?” She sees Maya blink but it doesn’t seem like she’s going to say anything so Carina gives a sad smile.

“I love you.” The words whispered from her lips. It’s all she can offer right now, and she hopes that her wife will hear them if she doesn’t hear anything else.

Carina leaves.

She makes it a point to be gone all day. She does errands and a little shopping. She goes to the hospital and does paperwork and checks in to see if there’s anything she can help with.

Jo spots her at the nurse’s station. “Dr. DeLuca, I thought you had the day off?”

Carina hums. “I do.”

Jo gives her a confused look. “Then why are you here?”

Carina doesn’t sugar coat it. “I am giving my wife some space.”

Jo sighs and tilts her head. “Oh no, trouble in paradise? I thought you two were good.” She thought Carina and Maya had a happy, healthy marriage.

Carina takes a deep breath. “We are. Well, for the most part. But she’s going through some things at work, and she got bad news yesterday, and she needs time now. So, I am giving that to her but it’s so hard because I’m so worried about her. I just want to make it better.”

Jo coos. “Awww.”

Carina taps a pen against the desk and looks off into the corner of the room. “I just want to be there for her.”

Jo puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder. “And you will be. Just when she’s ready. Not right now.”

Carina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “I know, it’s just hard.”

“I know it is. Hey, I’ve got a consultation in a few minutes. You want to sit in on it?” Carina smiles. They are mostly past the point where Jo needs help with a consultation with a mother or a couple, but Carina does sit in a tricky ones if Jo knows something will be addressed that she not well versed in or super confident on yet.

 “Sure.” She needs a distraction from her thoughts about Maya and her wellbeing.

Notes:

to be continued...

Chapter 70

Notes:

i had this mostly ready after a posted the last chapter so i just had to read through it and post it. So here it is. We continue where the last chapter ended basically. Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Maya sits at the couch like that until her back hurts. When that happens and becomes too painful she gets up and moves to the bed and sleeps for a few hours.

When she wakes up it’s nearly dinner time. She goes out and looks around and doesn’t see Carina anywhere. Maya expected to see her in their apartment somewhere. Maybe curled up in a chair quietly reading a book. Or even cooking dinner. But there’s nothing on the stove or in the oven. There’s no evidence that Carina is in the apartment anywhere.

She finds the note on the table and gets some water and sits in one of the chairs in the living room. Her throat hurts and is scratchy from yelling. Maya looks for some cough drops but doesn’t find any. She wrinkles up her face.

Carina isn’t home and Maya doesn’t know where she is. The note just says she is running errands and will be back later.

“When is later?” Maya mumbles to herself. She looks at her watch. It’s after five. Putting on a pair of shoes, she heads out to get cough drops. There is a little corner store three blocks from their apartment, so she heads there. It takes a few minutes to find the cough drops but she gets them and can head back home. Her hope the entire way is that Carina will be home when she returns.

She wasn’t gone long but Carina still isn’t back yet. Disappointment fills Maya. She asked for space and Carina gave that to her but now she needs her wife.

She waits until after six and then after seven and Carina still isn’t home.

She sends out a text. When are you going to be home?

With no immediate response, Maya makes some grilled cheese and tomato soup. Her mom always made that when she or Mason were feeling sick. Maya doesn’t exactly feel sick, but she definitely doesn’t feel good. She knows she told Carina she needed time but that was almost 12 hours ago and she needs Carina to come home now. She keeps checking her phone but there is nothing from Carina.

She lets out a long, pained sigh. She did this. She can’t be mad that Carina isn’t here right now, but she is feeling a little lost and abandoned. She eats and packs up the grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of soup she made for her wife with the hope that she would arrive home before it went cold.

It’s just after 8:30 when she crawls into bed again. She thinks about everything Ross said.

Over and over.

She gets hung up on one thing more than the rest. One thing that she can’t explain away or doesn’t make any sense.

Her phone buzzes with a message just after nine. Maya doesn’t have the energy to look at it. She knows it’s Carina. And that it says one of two things. One, which Maya is hoping for, that she is on her way home. Or two, that Carina won’t be coming home tonight to allow Maya her space and time.

She looks at it after a few minutes and breathes a sigh of relief at the three words. In 20 minutes

Maya puts the phone back on the nightstand and waits. She hears the door open and close. A certain relief comes with that sound. And the following sounds that the Italian makes.

The doctor takes her shoes and coat off and puts her bag down near the door. Carina then sticks her head in the bedroom door. “Are you awake, Maya?”

“Yeah.” Maya scratches out, trying to clear her throat but all it does is scratch and hurt. She reaches for a cough drop and puts it in the mouth, sucking on it. “There’s some tomato soap and a grilled cheese in the fridge for you.” She offers.

Carina comes over and sits on the edge of the bed. She wants to ask Maya how she is but doesn’t know if the question will be received well. Next, she wants to ask how Maya’s day was and what she did, but again, is unsure how that question and answer might go. So, she sits there and sort of just observes the blonde for a few moments.

“I was, uh, in surgery.” Carina explains where she was instead. If she talks about herself, she thinks that will take the pressure off of Maya to say something.

Maya wrinkles her brows together. She doesn’t say anything though. It does explain where Carina was and why she didn’t answer the text right away.

“I’m gonna eat.” Carina says and gets up quickly. “Thank you for cooking.” She whispers. Carina didn’t expect Maya to make them supper so she is extra thankful that she doesn’t have to make something for herself at this late hour.

Maya hums, happy that Carina is happy with her.

Carina eats and then comes back into the room. Maya is in the same spot that she was in when she left to eat fifteen minutes ago. She gathers her pajamas and heads to the bathroom to change and get ready for bed.

“Should I sleep in the guest room?” She hates the thought that Maya might not want her close. Usually, Maya always wants her close, but Carina knows that maybe not tonight. But she remembers after Andrea died that she didn’t want Maya near her or touching her. She knows this isn’t the same as that, but it’s hard to tell where the boundary of space exists. Maya asked in her text when she was coming home so Carina took that as a good sign. But she still needs to find out where Maya stands and what she needs.

There is a shake of the head and a groan. “I need you here.”

Carina takes a deep breath and closes her eyes; a little surprised but grateful that Maya is able to let her in so soon. She tiptoes over to her side of the bed and slips in. Maya rolls over and right up against Carina with her arms tucked up between their chests.

Carina wraps Maya in her arms, holding her close. “Do you want to say anything about it yet or not?” She presses her lips to Maya’s forehead.

Maya doesn’t, not really, but there is one thing she can’t get out of her mind. “What is remorse? To you?” Maya asks and the words coming out clunky and almost unorganized to herself. But it’s the one thing that Maya keeps going back to.

“Remorse?” Carina wonders.

“Yes. Remorse.”

Carina can’t help but ask. “Why?” She thinks about the question, especially when Maya just shrugs against her. She knows the wife is looking for something, searching. She wants Carina’s thoughts and opinions and wants to see if they align with her own. “Remorse is what you feel or exhibit when you regret something you’ve done. Si? Like guilty, no?” Carina tries.

Maya hums. “Yeah.”

Carina looks down trying to find Maya’s eyes, but Maya keeps herself tucked against Carina’s body, in her safe place. “Why, Bambina? Did you do something you regret?”

Maya chuckles cynically. “No. And that’s what bothers me the most.” She swallows at the scratch that the longer sentence brings to her raw throat.

“I need more context, bella. Mi dispiace.” Carina doesn’t understand.

Maya pulls her face away from Carina’s chest and finds loving, warm, brown eyes gazing back at her. “Chief Ross said that I didn’t show any remorse for any of my behavior. And that bothers me most because I don’t regret anything that happened. You know that.”

Carina adds. “Yes, we’ve talked about that.”

Maya nods, glad that Carina understands, at least somewhat. “So, if I don’t have any regret, I can’t have any remorse. So how can I have or show remorse? I don’t understand.”

Carina doesn’t understand either. “Did she mean, maybe, for something else? Like going to McCallister or something?”

Maya scrunches up her face. “No. She was talking about the incident. But how can I have remorse? I have nothing to be remorseful about. I would do what I did all over again.”

Carina smiles tight-lipped. Her wife is and has been very adamant that she would do what she did again if giving the choice. Maya would choice to save that child over and over. “I know you would, bambina. You saved a kid’s life. I’m so proud of you for that.”

Maya sighs, sadly. “But it cost me my job, my rank, my position, any shot at moving up from that.” It makes her sad. There’s a deep open ache in her chest at thinking that she may have torpedoed her entire career with one decision.

“And Ross started with ‘I don’t want to you lose hope of moving up in the future’ and then she tore me apart for what I did. And because I broke the chain of command. That was the biggest thing in her mind. Chain of command. Like what? Not cuz I brought protocol or because there could’ve been a lawsuit. She wasn’t even there. It was McCallister that was there. He had me demoted for over a year and never did anything about it. So, it doesn’t seem like he was too concerned that I broke chain of command. It was like he was so mad that he purposefully wasn’t doing an investigation to punish me. It doesn’t make any sense. But the remorse thing she said I just-“ Maya heaves a deep sigh. “I’m rambling. I’m sorry.”

Carina kisses Maya’s forehead, hand caressing her face softly, she strokes her thumb over Maya’s cheekbone. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for with me. You don’t have to have remorse if you don’t regret anything. Does she want you to apologize for something?” Carina wonders if Ross wants more of an apology than remorse.

Maya shrugs. “I don’t know, Carina. I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. What do I do now? I feel so numb. So numb. I thought change was going to happen. Real change. She came in talking about running the department differently than all the men before her. She talked about redemption and second chances. I, dumbly, thought she was talking about me. I think she was only talking about Sullivan and just making it seem like it was gonna be more than that. I think she had her mind made up on day one. She promoted him on day one. Which was- mind blowing- and not in a good way like when we have sex.”

Carina laughs that, at least, Maya’s sense of humor is still intact.

“But it makes sense now that I look back. There’s something going on there.” Maya contemplates her own words, narrowing her eyes, and trying to figure out if she’s missed any clues. She’s gone over it again and again. Just like Ross’ words Maya has gone over all the interactions she’s seen between Ross and Sullivan.

Carina quirks an eyebrow. “How so?”

Maya bites her lip. “I think they’re sleeping together. I have no solid proof but last week him and Beckett seemed to be in a pissing match over something and Beckett said something about what would happen if you were sleeping with a superior and gave Sullivan a dirty look.”

Carina wraps everything Maya is saying up in her head. “That’s not fair.”

Maya laughs. “No shit.”

Carina hums. “And it’s against the rules. No?”

Maya says “I would have to look into it, but at the very least it would have to be reported to HR if they were together or in a relationship or whatever. But I don’t know if it’s just frowned upon or if it’s more than that. Her making any judgment for or against him would be biased. So, this goes beyond me. And now she is shutting down 23.”

Carina pulls back a little in shock. “Where Andy works?”

Maya nods. “So, who knows what’s going to happen with that.”

Carina cuddles Maya close again. “I’m so sorry, bambina.” She rests her chin on top of her wife’s head, taking a few moments to collect all the new information that Maya is telling her. “So, she wanted to clean up the department and she comes in and runs it just like the men had been running it and on top of that starts sleeping with one of her lieutenants. What a woman?” Carina clicks her tongue in disgust.

“Yeah, I don’t know how I’m ever going to get anywhere. I wanted to get my position back and make changes so that the station, at least, wasn’t so sexist with Beckett around and then try to get those changes implemented throughout the whole department. And here I am stuck trying to figure out what remorse I’m supposed to have. Beckett doesn’t have remorse. Sullivan doesn’t have remorse for anything he’s done. Is it because I’m a woman that I have to show remorse?”

Carina hums. “Well, I’m glad I’m not your boss or you’re not my boss because one of us would have to quit. I don’t think- I would need to be with you. Job be damned.”

Maya presses her lips to Carina’s collarbone. She chuckles that that’s the part Carina is hung up on. “Me too.”

Carina hums. “But Maya? You know I’ve always got you right?”

Maya slips her arm over Carina’s waist. “I do, my love. I do know. And you know that this might not be just today, tonight? That this might be a bit of a grieving process for me.”

Carina nods. “I know, bambina. And I’m so sorry you have to go through this. In my opinion, you should still be captain.”

Maya smiles a real smile. Her wife’s belief and support mean so much in this time of turmoil. “Thank you. I love you.”

Carina teases. “Still?”

Maya holds Carina closer. “That was- I was- I didn’t mean it like that. You have to know that, right? I didn’t mean it like I didn’t love you or I couldn’t love you or I don’t love you because of what happened.”

Carina grips a hand in Maya’s hair and leans back. “Baciami, bambina.” They kiss slowly. A steady security filling them both. “That’s how I know.” Carina smirks.

When Maya sees the smirk she smacks Carina’s ass lightly. “I’m in despair, don’t be a smartass right now.”

Carina giggles. “I love you too, bella.”

The conversation becomes serious again. “I was ready. I was prepared. I was waiting for the chief to arrive. And when she did, I was polishing the truck.” She rolls her eyes at herself and at the ridiculousness of it all.

“In an obsessive way, I’ll admit. But it was giving me something to do.”

Carina can understand the anxious energy that Maya had.

Maya sits up a little and leans against the headboard. She wants to explain everything that happened. She wants and needs Carina to know. She doesn’t want to leave a single detail out. “I thought I lost track of time because I was obsessing. But she ambushed me at the back of the engine. I suggested we go up and use the conference room. I had cleaned it out and had water in there for her when she showed up. I had it all set up for a formal, professional meeting with the chief. And she said here is fine. Right at the rear of the engine. Like, all that work I put in to try to make a good impression wasn’t worth it. It was wasted. And then she suggested that I just keep working. So, I didn’t know what to do.” Maya reaches out and finds Carina’s hand, holding it tightly between her own. “Was that a test? Should I have insisted that we go sit down and have a serious, and private, discussion.”

Carina furrows her brow. “This Ross seems to be sending mixed messages. At least to you.”

Maya nods in agreement. “So, I did what she suggested. She’s the chief, right. You do what the chief says, right. She even handed me a towel to continue polishing. She praised my accomplishments and asked what my end goal was in the department. I told her fire chief. I told her I knew I need to work my way up to that spot but that I was excited to do that. I was feeling awkward but good with how the conversation started. And then she told me she wouldn’t be reinstating me as captain. Soooo, all of that for nothing. She could have just started with that. No need to sugar coat it and make me think it was possible. I tried to explain what happened at the scene. She told me she was a marine. Which is great, or whatever, but I didn’t understand what that had to do with me. I’m not stupid, I understand that I broke protocol and was then insubordinate. It was like we were talking about two different things. The problem was, and is ,that I broke chain of command, according to her. And that’s when she said that me not having shown any remorse for my behavior shows her that I’m not a good captain and that I won’t ever change.” Maya rubs her right hand up and down her face. Her head pounds and it’s hard to focus on telling Carina everything that happened.

“I thought she was going to be different. A female. Of color. I thought she would understand me and help me and that we could make changes in the department. I was wrong. She’s just like one of them. She adheres to the rules strictly. She runs the department as if she were a white man. She will let things slide as long as she doesn’t look bad, and the department doesn’t look bad. She is only looking for people to make her look good or better. Sullivan. And I don’t make her, or the department look good. Because I supported Black Lives Matter because I prioritized saving a child’s life and made the chief feel inferior. I made the department look, well not bad, but I wasn’t staying in my lane. That’s what happened. I did something that he said I shouldn’t have, and he was pissy about it. I know it was against the rules and that there could have been consequences if that child had died. But he didn’t. Wouldn’t you see something like that on the news a story where firefighters saved a kid from a burning building. That could have been a headline. I know it wasn’t and I’m not looking for glory, but it feels like it’s all backwards and I’m being vilified for saving a kid’s life. I know there should have been punishment for my actions but to have her come around a year and a half later and basically scold me and tell me that I’m never going to change.” Maya sighs but continues quickly. “After she told me she liked my work ethic and to not give up on being captain. Like which one is it cuz it sure feels like she doesn’t want me in a position of authority. Especially if I can’t respect chain of command. And I think that’s part of it. McCallister felt like I disrespected him on the scene and then again when we went to his office. But her. What have I done to her? Nothing.”

Carina scoots closer and presses kisses to Maya’s arm and hand and chest and anywhere she can reach. She listens at Maya gets it all out. It’s very frustrating to hear all of this. And she understands why Maya feels hard done by. She wishes there were something she could do to help, to make it better. All Carina can really do now is be there for Maya.

“And don’t get me started on Beckett. I tried to tell her about him. And this was before he fucked up the last call and was reading the map upside down. About how he left the engine unlocked, unattended, and someone stole it at the Phoenix Fest and crashed it. I didn’t tell her about all the other things that he’s done that have put lives at risk or his team at risk. He doesn’t have to account for any of that because he’s a man and no one is watching him like McCallister was watching over me. I think he’s drinking on the job. Again, I have no actual proof but it’s what Sullivan said last week about the rules and protocols when they were getting into it. When Beckett asked about a superior sleeping with a subordinate. And Sullivan asked what the protocol was for drinking on the job. They both seem to know something about the other.”

“Why were they asking you, bella?”

“Cuz I was there.” Maya shrugs. “And cuz I was reviewing rules and protocol in preparation for my meeting. Or to stay up to date. Or I don’t even know why I did it anymore. It’s all pointless now.” She heaves a heavy sigh.

“It’s not pointless, Maya.”

“Isn’t it, though? How am I going to get anywhere in the department or even the station? As far as the chief is consider I’m just an insubordinate, disrespectful firefighter who will never change her ways. That’s pretty damning. I feel like just saying fuck it and quitting.”

Carina gasps. “You can’t do that.” She’s shocked that Maya even says it, let alone thinking about quitting. Firefighting is her life, her career. It’s just about everything to Maya. Carina sees that, she knows that. And that’s why the chief’s words are so hard for Maya to accept.

“No, because that would mean that they would win.” And Maya can’t lose.

Carina rolls her eyes. “Again with the winning and losing.”

“That’s how it is.” Maya throws a hand in the air. “It’s not me. It’s the department. It’s all about image. I don’t fit into their image as a straight laced, by the book, follow every protocol to a T, rank and file firefighter. And it’s because I want better for the women in the department. In the field. In the career. I want to be someone that others can look up to for my leadership. And I want to do that the right way. And my ambition in the past hasn’t been to other people’s liking but I got the position of captain, and I did the best I could with that.” It’s never too far back in Maya’s memory when everyone at the station shunned her when she was promoted to captain.

“You are the best fire captain.” Carina tells her.

Maya rolls her eyes. “I think Ross begs to differ.”

“It’s her loss.” Carina mumbles with a little pout.

“I feel stuck. And I feel like I’m hurting you.” She hangs her head in disappointment.

“No, Maya. No.” Carina cradles Maya’s face in her hands.

“Yeah, don’t tell me you haven’t felt like everything has been about my captain spot recently. I know it hasn’t but it feels like it. And that it’s taken the forefront. But now that it’s over- other things can be discussed.” She sighs heavily.

“Like babies?” Carina giggles, trying to lighten the mood in the room.

“I wanted both. Ya know? I wanted to be captain again and to have a child. I wanted to prove that I could do both. That I shouldn’t have to pick one or the other. That I wouldn’t be forced to put my career on hold for a baby. But now-“ Maya shrugs. “Apparently, I can’t have both so-“ She sighs again, feeling like a complete failure.

“Oh, bambina.” She wraps her arms around Maya, holding her close.

“It’s so stupid.” Maya places a hand on the back of Carina’s head as it lays on her chest. “Maybe we should move. You can doctor anywhere there is a hospital. And I can apply for positions at other fire stations in other cities that aren’t Seattle. Where they can look at my record without personal judgement or bias and hire me to be a firefighter and I can move up to captain there. It’s clear to me now that I’m never going to get anywhere if I don’t adhere to everything the chief and department says. But a fresh start might also help.” This isn’t the first time Maya has had these thoughts.

“Are you serious?” Carina is concerned now. She thought Seattle was going to be where they lived and where they raised children and where they worked and had friends.

“I don’t know. It’s nice to think about though. It would be starting completely over. And I don’t know if I could do that either. What’s that saying, better the devil you do know than the devil you don’t. It could be worse somewhere else. A smaller city or town where the sexism and misogyny are way worse. I could never ever have a shot at promotion then even if I was the greatest fire fighter to ever firefight.”

Carina chuckles at that. “It’s a very good point.”

“I’ll have to see how things shake out with 23 closing, also. I don’t know anything about it yet. If they are all out of a job. If they are going to divide the crew up between the other stations nearby. Who knows what Ross is going to do. I wouldn’t be surprised if she just shut them down at this point and that was that.” Maya grumbles.

“Mi dispiace. I’m sorry all this is happening to you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t here earlier.”

Maya sighs. “It’s okay. I told you I needed space and you respected that. How were you going to know when I was done with my space needing.” She gives Carina a teeny tiny smile.

“I just went to the hospital and then a surgery popped up and I took it.” Carina explains.

Maya nods. It’s really not a big deal. “How’d it go?”

“Well.” Carina smiles, happy she could help another woman. “Mamma and baby should be good to go until they reach full term now.”

Maya sighs. “That’s good.”

“What do you need now?” Carina whispers.

“Cuddles.” Maya pouts. “But if you tell anybody I will have to kill you.”

Carina crosses her finger over her heart.

“And another cough drop.” She reaches for the bag on the nightstand. “Oh, and can you go get me some water?”

Carina laughs. “Sure, bambina.”

Carina comes back with the water and Maya swallows the whole glass. “So much for you not wanting to talk about it yet.” She smirks at the blonde.

Maya rolls her eyes. “Shut up.” She mumbles.

“I love you, bella. I love that you are strong and tough. I love that you have a soft gooey interior. I love that you need to feel protected. I love that you have been able to tap into your emotions and can express them. I love that you are smart. So smart. And so capable. Any situation or problem Maya Bishop will be able to find a solution for. I love that you want to be a role model. I love that you want to be captain not only because it’s a title or it will help you get to being chief but because you want that for our family. Because you know at the end of the day that you as captain gives you more ability and opportunity. It gives you and us a certain level of safety. I love that you think about every situation from multiple angles. You are brilliant and your brain is super sexy.”

Maya rolls her eyes at that one. “You don’t need to placate me.”

“I am not.” Carina shakes her head. “I’m telling you why you are important. Even if it’s not as captain. Even if it’s as a lieutenant. You are super important to your colleagues, your friends, in the role that you are in now. They don’t necessarily need you as captain right now. They respect you and will follow any order you give them. That’s not an issue. The issue comes from higher up. And I know you want that respect. And do you remember when we first started seeing each other?” Carina lays down next to Maya.

“That was-“ Maya sighs. It was a tumultuous time. She was struggling with trying to earn her crew’s respect after having just been giving the captain spot. Most of them didn’t respect her then and didn’t think she earned or deserved the spot. But then she would meet up with Carina and she was someone she could let in, and someone she could talk to about work. And she became more than just a hook up very quickly. If Maya is honest, Carina was never really a hook up. For one, they called each other and talked on the phone. And also, they hooked up more than once. And Maya made it a point to not do that with her hook ups. Carina was always different. From the beginning.

“Yeah, bella.” Carina agrees with Maya’s thoughts. “And you’ll get the higher ups to respect you again, if you want. If you truly want to be captain again, one day you will do it. I believe you will. I watched you do it once. I’ll watch you do it again. You are amazing. Now, maybe, you take a break, pause. Work hard and show what you are made of and then when the time is right again and there is a shot at a captain spot, you go for it.”

Maya scoots down so she’s laying on her back. Carina always has such a strong belief in her, even when she doesn’t. It’s a damn miracle that she found Carina. Maya doesn’t know if she would be where she is today if Carina wasn’t around. She probably would be an angry, floundering, dismissive, just a general pain in ass most of the time. They’ve both put a lot of work in to get to where they are right now. “You’re amazing.” She rolls onto her side and finds Carina’s lips, sealing her words with a sweet kiss. “I love you.” She takes a deep breath and then rolls all the way over onto her other side so Carina can wraps her up from behind.

Chapter 71: Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes

Notes:

Hello, here is another installment. This update goes over Andy's assault. It's not in depth but if that is a trigger for you skip the first part. As for the second part, i feel like Carina is out of character in 5.16 but i tried to wiggle around that some. likewise, maya feels out of character in 5.18 in the interview. Anyway... trying to get through the end of season 5 so i can get to season 6. There's lots of mixed up messed up emotions in this one.

PS. Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes is a Fall Out Boy song. i think it goes well with this chapter.
Enjoy?

Chapter Text

Here’s the thing about Carina wanting to have a baby; Maya wants Carina to be able to have a baby. No matter what. No matter what’s going on with her. Or what’s going on at her work. No matter if she’s being pushed aside by the fire chief. None of it matters. Her work drama has postponed this baby for long enough. What matters is Carina having a baby. She wants that for Carina. She wants it for Carina more than she wants it for herself. And she wants it for herself.

So, when the idea is brought up to ask Jack to be the donor despite any feelings she has about it, and initial hesitation, she agrees. He’s someone they know, which Maya likes. He’s a fairly decent guy despite his upbringing. He is, at least, a little good looking. And that has to count for something.

Despite any wariness she has, Maya agrees. If this is what Carina wants, then she’ll go along with it. It feels a little desperate. And maybe it is. They haven’t been able to agree on a donor so maybe this is the outcome. Both of their final heave at an idea. A compromise? The clock is ticking. Maya knows that. She also knows that her drama with the fire department has added pressure to this baby making process. She wishes it weren’t that way, but it is. Her life never seems to be completely drama free but she wish it had been during this process to make it easier for Carina.

She texts Carina when she gets back from the call. She almost can’t believe that she does. It’s going to take some getting used to if her ex does end up being the donor but she’s do it. Fall in line, like Ross told her to.

“Are we gonna blackmail somebody out here?” Jack says as he approaches Maya and Carina.

“Haha. No.” Maya says nervously but the idea does resonate with her. Blackmail? Probably not the most creative way to go about something but it could be effective. She refocuses but that’s an idea that she’s going to come back to. Jack might just be a genius.

In the process of the donor proposal to Jack, Andy runs up to the trio. She’s out of breath and in a panic.

Carina goes into doctor mode as soon as she puts together what happened. Maya’s friend, her friend, has been assaulted. Sullivan tries to examine Andy, but Carina stops him. They need to preserve any possible evidence; she knows that’s imperative.

Maya, Vic, and Sullivan head out in the aid car to find Andy’s assailant and render aid if need be. Maya thinks her friend is probably in a panic and that she could be overreacting. The guy is probably fine, in Maya’s head. That’s what she hopes. This can be as bad as it sounds. It can’t be.

The police are called at Carina’s encouragement.

They locate Jeremy after Sullivan spots a trail of blood and they follow it. He is lying beside a car. Maya checks on him. He’s unresponsive and in a crammed spot. They need more room, so they pull him out from beside the car.

Vic is hesitant because this is the guy that attacked Andy. She doesn’t want to treat her friend’s attacker.

Maya reminds her that they are paramedics and they are obligated to treat any injured or sick person, no matter the circumstances. They have to put the situation and any personal feelings that they might have aside.

Vic tries to intubate, but there's bleeding in her throat, forcing Maya to do a cricothyrotomy.

Beckett arrives as they are getting improvements on his airway. He wants them to call for backup. They want to get him to a hospital as soon as possible.

Maya is taking back to the house fire, with the little boy and McCallister. It’s not too dissimilar. They are trying to save a life and the higher up is whining about protocol and doing things by the book. She wants to just fuck protocol completely. She knows the ramifications if this man were to die could be catastrophic for Andy. Even if he lives.

It’s not like they are going completely rogue. This isn’t some crazy cowboy stunt that they are trying to pull. For all three of them, they think it’s in the best interest if this man lives, especially considering what he is being accused of.

Jeremy flatlines and Sullivan starts desperate chest compressions.

Maya says they need to move him, but Beckett wants to wait for 88, who are two minutes away. They load him onto a gurney, and while Beckett is distracted, they load him into the aid car and start driving him to the hospital. Maya doesn’t care anymore. She can be punished and demoted further for this, but she doesn’t care.

Carina is on her phone as soon as possible getting things moving for Andy’s sake. She knows what has to happen and that it should happen as quickly as possible. She calls the hospital and asks for Helm. She knows just the person to come and help with this. She clears it with the chief and has Helm on her way within minutes.

Taryn comes in with the kit. Andy comes in after her. As Andy sits down, Carina introduces Taryn and Taryn asks for Andy's consent to do the exam.

The very delicate process of the examination and collecting of evidence begins.

Carina asks for Andy’s approval and permission with every step of the process, always getting consent before moving forward.

It’s a draining process for Carina. It always is but she goes through it like she does every time. Meticulously and as efficiently as possible.

Taryn says one blood sample will go with her to the hospital for testing and the other will go in the kit to go with the police. Andy thanks Taryn and Taryn leaves.

Carina asks Andy if there’s anything she can do before Andy exits. She so wishes that someone had asked her when she was a teenager. She wishes she would have been brave enough to report her assault. She cleans up quietly as her mind wanders to her younger self, her own assault. Each time she does a sexual assault exam it’s the same thoughts and feelings afterwards. They leave her weary and drained, but she continues to do them because she doesn’t want that service to go unattended or be done by someone who can’t relate, someone who doesn’t care and is just doing a job.

Sullivan goes into the day room and tells Andy that Jeremy died. He also gives her the number of a lawyer and tells her not to talk to the cops. The detectives come in and draw the blinds ready to interrogate Andy.

Detectives are trying to get Andy to talk and then they want to go after Sullivan, Maya, Vic and Beckett. Beckett does one right thing and tells them to leave.

Everyone rallies around Andy. They let her stay at the station for the night. Tomorrow they can figure out what the next step is.

Maya finds her wife near her locker. Carina has a far off look in her eyes and she knows exactly what her wife is thinking about. “Hey.” She puts a gentle hand on Carina’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Carina only nods.

Maya gives her a tight lipped smile. They move to get a mattress and pillows and a blanket set up. The idea is to literally surround Andy.

Andy lies in bed, and Jack gets into bed and curls up behind Andy to hold her.

Carina covers up her legs and Maya before lying down with her wife. She knows Maya is probably worried about her. Maya is probably worried about Andy too. But they can’t discuss it here. So, she lays down against her wife. She finds Maya’s hand, locking their fingers together and resting their joined hands against Maya’s chest. Her wife holds onto her with her other hand too, wrapping Carina up in the safest of embraces. She tucks herself to Maya, her cheek on Maya’s shoulder. Maya tips her head against her and Carina shifts closer. Everything but Maya and her safety fades away. The tears that Andy cries into the silence of the room are but background noise to Carina.

After a few minutes, she tucks her face into Maya’s neck, breathing her in, and stroking over Maya’s thumb with her own, smelling and feeling Maya. She is reminding herself that Maya is there. Maya is her person. Maya is her rock.

Maya’s three main thoughts are of Andy, the man Andy killed, and Carina. She feels terribly for each of them. Each for different reasons. For Carina, it’s the resurfacing of old wounds, thoughts, and feelings. But they’ve been through that all before. Each time Carina comes home after a shift where she had to do a rape kit it comes back around again. She’s not overly worried about Carina.

She’s more worried about Andy and the consequences of her actions. She killed a man. Whether it was self defense or not doesn’t matter. Andy now has to carry that burden and that weight with her for the rest of her life. Then, there are possible job and criminal consequences that Andy will have to deal with. In true Maya fashion, she thinks through all the possibilities and scenarios that lie ahead.

She also thinks back to her and Sullivan and Vic trying to save Jeremy’s life. Despite Beckett, they did all that they could. Maya does wonder, though, if they could have gotten to him sooner if he would’ve lived.

In the morning, Carina wakes up and Maya is sitting at the end of the mattress. The rest of the rooms floor occupants have cleared out. She peaks up to the bed and Andy is still sleeping. Maya lifts her index finger to her lips and mouths ‘shh’. Carina reaches her hand out towards Maya. She wants to know what she’s doing so far away. She wants Maya closer.

Maya tips her head towards the door. She takes Carina’s hand and helps her to her feet and out of the room so they can talk without waking Andy. Maya didn’t sleep much herself, her overactive brain keeping her awake the majority of the night.

“Did you sleep any?” Carina asks, stroking her fingertips over Maya’s cheek.

Maya shakes her head. “Not much.”

Thankfully, they didn’t have any fire calls the rest of the night. By the time, everything had settled down and Andy was in the bunk it was well into the early morning hours.

Now it’s nearly the end of shift.

“Shower with me?” Maya asks. She had watched Carina sleep for more than an hour before the Italian woke up, thinking the whole time of being as close to Carina as possible but she was restless and didn’t want to wake her so she opted for sitting at the end of the mattress.

Carina raises a surprised eyebrow.

“Not like that.” Maya scoffs.

Carina steps into Maya’s body, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. “Is that allowed?” Her voice low so no one overhears her.

Maya slips her arms around Carina’s waist, hands perched on the top of her ass. “No.” Civilians aren’t allowed to shower at the fire station. “But I don’t care. What’s Ross going to do to me?”

“Maya.” Carina scolds. She hates how Maya still holds onto the anger from her ‘talk’ with Chief Ross.

“Come on.” Maya takes Carina by the hand into the showers; after a quick stop to get some towels.

She turns the shower on and waits for it to warm up. The firefighter checks the temperature and nods before stepping in. Carina follows after her.

The Italian wraps herself around Maya from behind, holding her skin to skin as the spray of the shower wets them.

Maya pushes her wet hair back from her face before covering Carina’s arms and hands with her own. Carina hums and starts swaying them back and forth. She needs this. She really needs this physical touch without restriction or barrier of clothes.

“Carina.” Maya whispers through the sound that the shower makes. She turns and Carina lets her. Her hands go around Carina’s waist again, her head falling to Carina’s shoulder with a sad sigh.

The emotions are big. So big. But Maya doesn’t want to let them out here. Not at work. She can’t be vulnerable at work. She’s supposed to be strong and put together and separate her feelings and her home life from her work life. That seems to be becoming more and more difficult. Now with the introduction of Jack as a possible donor that line is about to blur even further.

If he says yes, of course.

Carina holds onto Maya as Maya holds onto her. After a couple of minutes, she reaches behind Maya to grab the bar of soap. She starts by rubbing it over Maya’s back, and then her sides. The blonde gets a hint and takes a step back so Carina can rub the soap over her front too.

She holds out her hand when Carina is done, and they exchange the bar of soap. Maya does the same as Carina did. It’s probably not the best ‘cleaning’ job but it will suffice for what needs to be done. It’s more of a therapeutic than anything.

They wash their own hair before stepping out.

A routine similar to one they have at home takes place. Maya dries her hair first as Carina gets dressed. Then Carina dries her hair as Maya dresses at her locker.

Jack comes in and rambles about his shitty childhood and how he wants to be a part of their family. Maya tells him she doesn’t like that idea. There is some waffling there, but Carina gets to the point.

“Is that a yes?” She glances at Maya and it’s like Maya’s entire face splits in two as she grins at Carina.

He agrees and Carina wraps an arm around Maya’s neck and pulls her into her side. Maya slips her arm behind Carina’s back and holds her opposite hip. She watches Carina smile and smiles too; happy that her wife is happy. Maya is ecstatic that this is happening. They need something to lift their spirits after the night they had. She needs something for Carina to be happy about.

They group gathers to go get pancakes because that’s what Andy needs. Maya and Carina walk into the reception area with Jack hot on their heels. Vic asks why they are so happy, especially after last night’s events.

Maya lies and says they are just excited for diner food.

The detectives walk back into the station as the crew is about to go to a diner for pancakes. They have a warrant for Andy’s arrest, and they cuff her and take her out.

“So, no pancakes now?” Jack asks in his doofus-y way.

Ben shakes his head. Travis sighs. And Vic just walks right out of the building without saying anything. She needs a minute.

Sullivan says he’ll go to the police station. Ben agrees to go with him.

Maya wants to go the police station too, but Carina still has her arm wrapped around her neck and is practically hanging off of her. She’s torn.

“Let’s go home, bambina.” Carina suggests. She can’t be at the station anymore. After the trauma of last night, the lack of sleep, the emotions, and now the idea that they have their donor. She wants to just go home and deal with all of that.

Maya gives in to that. The boys can help Andy, she’s got her own problems to deal with today.

They get home and Carina leads Maya to the bedroom. At first, she thinks Carina is so happy about Jack’s sperm that she wants to have sex. But then the brunette is changing into a sleep shirt and slipping under the covers. “Come on, Maya.” She holds her hand out.

Maya follows suit. She removes her clothes and throws a t-shirt on. Carina is on her as soon as she’s in bed.

“You didn’t sleep much.” Carina states.

“No, but I’m good.” She lies to Carina.

“We are going to sleep today. And then when we wake up refreshed, we can starts talking about what it means that Jack has accepted.” She lays out their day in a no nonsense way that Maya can’t argue with.

Maya nods. Of course, they need to talk about that. Her stupid brain jumps to lots of scenarios. The first, and worst, being Carina sleeping with Jack to get pregnant. As illogical as it is. She gulps down the lump that has formed in her throat. “Right. Of course. Sleep first.” But Maya knows she’s probably not going to be able to sleep, even now that she’s in her own bed.


Maya and Jack have taken a personal day. She hopes that doesn’t lead to too much suspicion at the station. It is odd for both of them to have a day off on the same day.

Some weeks have passed since the night at the station where they asked Jack to be the donor. Maya has spent that entire time wondering if it was the right decision. As much as she likes Jack as a friend, she’s not sure she wants him around all the time. And he has been around a lot in recent days and weeks in preparation for today. But Carina is happy and excited. Actually, her emotions are all over the place and Maya is having a hard time just keeping up. She’s onto the next emotion before Maya can even identify what emotion Carina was just having. It makes her head spin. She knows it’s due to the hormones but it’s still a wild trip.

This feels rushed and that makes Maya nervous. She’s not one to rush things. She takes calculated risks after assessing a situation. She makes lists on clipboard of pros and cons. Just about every purchase she makes is thought through over and over. This feels rushed. Because it is. Just over a month out from making a decision on a donor they are doing the insemination. With expedited genetic testing for Jack. Hormones for weeks. It’s all so fast.

Today is the day. They can’t not do this today. If they don’t, they’ll have to wait another month and go through another round of hormone shots. And Maya has seen the toll it’s taking on Carina. She prays that by some miracle this works on the first attempt because she’s not sure she can go through all the emotions that she’s going through right now. She knows how taxing it is on Carina too but she’s putting on a brave face because it’s something she’s so committed to.

And she’s burned the waffles and dropped the frying pan on the floor. Everything feels like chaos and Maya can’t handle it.

Carina is impatient. She’s excited. A little nervous but she’s been waiting for today for an entire month. The date is circled on her calendar. She’s tired of waiting for everything. Today the wait for this milestone is over.

There is a knock at the door and Jack is standing there with flowers when they open the door.

Maya takes a deep breath. Time to get this over with. It wasn’t her idea to have Jack come here, to their apartment, but it is better then doing this somewhere else. Carina convinced her with the argument that they can ‘make their baby’ in their bedroom. The bedroom that has been the place of so much love. The place where they feel safest.

As expected, it’s awkward as they show Jack his room.

But then he gets an email about having a brother and that puts the whole plan to waste. Carina says they aren’t doing this today.

“And you, Maya, congratulations. You get another delay.” Carina screeches as she exits the room. She is totally annoyed and can’t handle that Jack suddenly has a brother. It throws everything off.

“But I don’t- I don’t want-“ She not entirely sure what Carina means. She doesn’t want any delays. She actually wants this over as soon as possible. She just wants Carina to be pregnant so they can move on to the pregnancy and the actual child. That’s the goal. Sure, there were delays with her losing her captaincy and then waiting for the investigation but those weren’t her fault. Carina can’t seriously be blaming her for that right now. Maya didn’t want to start a family in the middle of all that. That’s not so hard to comprehend. She thought Carina understood that.

Emotions are on high. For each of them. It doesn’t play well into easy conversations. There are ups and downs but, in the end, they decide to proceed.

Maya thinks this is just about the most un-sexy way to ‘make a baby’. A sterile environment in a clinic would have been better. That would have avoided the confusion and emotions and interruptions. The spilled sperm.

Carina holds up the syringe as Maya comes towards her with the specimen. She grins. This is what she’s been waiting for. After all the emotion, which she realizes now she may have gone overboard with, it’s finally time. This is the thing that she’s been waiting for for months. She has her concerns and reservations, but she also feels like this has to happen today. They need to do this. The clock is ticking. And not only that, but she still thinks that Maya is using this as some sort of buffer for her job. Things aren’t going well there. Carina knows that much. And Maya needs something to go well in her personal life. This could be it. If they can just do this, things might start to make sense and even out. She’s doing this for Maya. To bring a positive change to her life.

“How do we do this?” Is there a certain protocol that Maya is supposed to follow? If so, Carina needs to inform her.

“Suck some up. And stick it in.”

Maya grimaces. “That’s awful.”

Carina shrugs and hands Maya the syringe. “Get me pregnant, bambina.” She tries to lighten the mood.

Maya, carefully, extracts some of the specimen with the syringe. She peels the covers back and raises an eyebrow.

“Just do it.” Carina mumbles.

Maya is about to insert the syringe when Carina stops her. “Wait.” She grabs Maya’s wrist.

The blonde questions Carina with her eyes.

“Orgasm first.”

Maya sighs, but nods. If that’s what she needs to do, she will do it.

She works Carina up with her fingers. Even though the specimen is in a syringe, she doesn’t want her face anywhere near it. Which is probably a moot point because specimens of the same kind have been inside her before. At one point, she could have had Jack’s kid. Now Carina is having Jack’s kid. Or trying to. Or that’s what it feels like to her right now. She grimaces again at those thoughts.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Maya tries to refocus. She wishes she could really connect with Carina right now, but this just feels like a chore she has to do. It’s very mechanical. She puts on a happy face and does as is required of her.

Once the specimen is in, Carina props her hips up with a pillow. “Go entertain Jack. I have to lay here for like twenty minutes.”

Maya nods. She doesn’t even get anything out of this. Well, hopefully a baby in the end, but she’s fully clothed with only a few kisses from Carina the whole time. She gets to entertain and perform and that is her part. It feels weird that this is how they are doing this but again she feels like it’s what needs to happen.

She sits across from Jack. He’s busy eating whatever food he found in their kitchen, which Maya is happy for. He’s not talking and saying awkward shit. And she doesn’t have to say awkward shit either. Her thoughts drift to work. It’s never far away in her mind.

She thinks about having a baby and going to work and proving that she can do both. She wants Ross to see that she can do both. That’s part of her motivation in this. It’s probably not the best reason to have a child, but it’s not the only reason. She keeps going back to the night they asked Jack for his sperm. She looks across at him again. He seems completely unaware of her thoughts, let alone her presence. But Maya knows he’s probably off in his own head about having a brother and being an uncle. And he’s stress eating because of it. Maya would ask him to leave but she thinks Carina would be mad if he were gone when she finally comes out of the bedroom.

She’s almost certain that the chief is sleeping with Sullivan. She hasn’t been able to prove it yet though. She could hire a PI but then again, she’s spending money on genetic testing and rounds of hormones and baby making things. Which is expensive and Maya doesn’t need to add to that. And she wouldn’t want Carina to know she has hired a PI, so that’s probably out of the question. She’s also pretty sure that Beckett is drinking on the job. Even though a recent pee test came back negative. He probably had someone else’s pee or something and cheated the test. She and Sullivan are still suspicious of him. There’s something not right there and Maya is starting to wonder if Beckett and Ross have some sort of understanding of each other’s predicament and it’s the reason Beckett still has a job.

The bathroom door opening pulls Maya and Jack from their thoughts. They both stand up and turn towards Carina. Jack wipes crumbs from the front of his shirt and Maya stands rigid like she’s in a military line up.

“Did it work?” Jack asks eagerly. He can’t wait to meet the child that he produced.

Carina chuckles lightly. “We won’t know for a few weeks, but I hope so.” She holds her arms out and offers Jack a hug. As she embraces him, she whispers in his ear. “Thank you. So very much.”

“Not a problem.” He grins that crooked smile of his. “Like I said-“ He pulls away from Carina and wiggles his eyebrows in Maya’s direction. “A lot of it goes to waste. So, this time it was- not.”

“Thanks, Jack.” Maya says instead of rolling her eyes like she wants to.

“You are welcome, Maya.” He sends her a crooked smile. He can’t help but feel like he’s done maybe the biggest, most important thing in his life to date.

The three of them all look between each other now.

“You don’t need me anymore?” He thumbs over his shoulder. “I can go.”

“You can stay, if you want.” Carina feels like she needs to be hospitable to Jack. He has just given them an enormous gift. “Did you eat?”

“I did.” Jack nods.

“Do you want to hang out?”

Jack debates Carina’s question. He would really like to go and mull over this brother thing somewhere else. Maya and Carina’s apartment doesn’t seem like the right place to be doing that. Though, neither does jerking off into a cup. But he does feel welcome, and he is familiar with the place. He’s been here with Maya many times before. “I should go. I might email my brother.”

Carina nods. “Okay then. Have a good rest of your day. And thanks again, Jack.”

They walk him to the door. Maya stays quiet as they move. She doesn’t want to add her two cents. Not that she feels like her two cents would be received well. “Bye.” She does say that at least to not seem like a complete weirdo.

“Bye, Carina.” He nods at her. “Later, Bishop.” She doesn’t get a head nod.

“Ciao.” Carina grins and closes the door. She turns to Maya then. “You’re quiet.”

“Just thinking.” She hums.

“About?”

Maya licks her lips, giving herself a moment to find something to say. “Just ya know- everything. Today was a lot. Lots of emotions. I’m happy though. I’m happy we are doing this.” She reaches for Carina’s hip. “I’m happy this is happening. I don’t want delays, despite what you think. I want this to happen. I want to have a baby with you. I do. I really do. And it hurts a little that you still don’t believe that.” She sighs.

“I don’t-“ Carina realizes she’s made a few errors today. And still, Maya is standing by her.

“Let me finish, please. I want a baby. I want a family. With you. With the help of our donor. I know all the crap that’s been happening at work doesn’t necessarily make it seem like that all the time but that’s hard. It’s hard to deal with. Emotionally. It’s just hard. And this is- it was a lot of emotions today too. I’m tired. It’s been hard.” She feels desperate for Carina to understand what she is saying and still after she’s said it, she doesn’t know if Carina does understand.

“I know that, bella.” Carina reaches up and caresses Maya’s cheek. “I’m sorry if I seem crazy with all this sperm and insemination stuff. I know I’ve taken the lead on that in the last few weeks. But you said it was okay to go ahead and so we are.”

“It is okay. It’s more than okay. And I’m happy that we got there today. Even if it took a little bit and a few false starts.” She thumbs over Carina’s hip and pulls her closer.

“You know I’m not good with sports analogies.” She clicks her tongue at Maya.

Maya grins. “Come here.” She embraces Carina. “What do you want to do today?”

“Now that we have the rest of the day off.” Carina adds. Maya nods and hums. “Just take it easy.”

“Perfect.” Maya leads Carina over to the couch. “You sit down. I’ll fix you up a plate of food.” She realizes that they haven’t eaten yet, even though Jack did.

They eat and put on a movie and Maya falls asleep as Carina lays on top of her on the couch.

Chapter 72

Notes:

Hello all. Thanks for hanging around.
In this chapter we have prep for Carina's green card interview. and then prep for Pru's party. Both of them are stressed out which i think is an underrated part of how things played out in 5.18.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Carina gets notification that the interview for her green card has a date. Her first emotion is relief. Finally, it is happening. But then after that wears off, Carina start to get anxious about how the interview will go and what kinds of questions will be asked.

She approaches Maya about the potential questions, and they agree to quiz each other.

Maya likes to ask Carina random questions to prepare her. The blonde is feeling better since the whole insemination thing. The days have past and she’s fine with it now. There were just a lot of emotions that day. She thinks it’s cute how they keep talking about a baby as if it’s a sure thing. Maya is positive. And Carina is super positive that when they take a test it will be positive and that she will be pregnant. It feels really good, and Maya has been living in that headspace. That combined with the ‘studying’ for Carina’s interview, it’s been fun. She knows Carina is a little stressed about the interview, so Maya tries to keep things lighthearted during their studies.

Carina helps with the clients at the clinic, but she tries to stay away from people like Ross, Sullivan, and Beckett. But Sullivan follows her when restocking supplies and she scolds him about his moves. Maya is right to be cautious about Sullivan. Carina feels it too. There’s something about him that she doesn’t like or trust.

She feels a lot of things right now. The hormones add to that, she knows. But between Ross and Sullivan, and Beckett, and possibly being pregnant and a green card interview, it’s a lot. It’s more than she wishes for at the moment but that’s how things happen in life. All or nothing. Either everything is happening at once, or absolutely nothing is happening.

The talk of the day at the station is about Travis possibly running for mayor. That and that Ben and Miranda are adopting Pru. There’s a certain anxious buzz and energy about the station.

Carina leaves at the end of the day with a kiss from Maya and a promise to see her in the morning.

When Maya returns home after shift, Carina is still in bed, still asleep. But she stirs as Maya enters the room like she knows that the blonde is there even before hearing her or opening her eyes. She just senses Maya’s presence.

Maya looks at Carina in bed and thinks of a version of this where she comes home from shift and Carina is sleeping and so is their baby in a bassinet next to the bed.

Today she kisses Carina as she wakes.

“Buongiorno.” Carina whispers and hums. What a wonderful way to wake up. It happens fairly often where Maya comes home from work and she’s still asleep and her wife kisses her awake. She watches Maya as she removes her coat.

“Whatever you said to Sullivan, I think you scared him.” Maya is impressed with that. He came to her at the end of the day to ‘warn’ her about the things her wife said to him. She totally ignored whatever he had to say about Carina though. She going to side with Carina and whatever she said over whatever whiny complaint Sullivan might have about her wife.

“Good.” Carina sits up. “I’m sick of his moves.” She whines.

“Well, I don’t think the Beckett thing is a move. He definitely is a drunk.” Maya sits on the end of the bed and removes her shoes. “But Sullivan is sleeping his way to the top so-“

“You’ll get back there, bambina.” Carina is sure of it. It might take more hard work and dedication, but she knows, if Maya is determined, she can be captain again one day. She wants to move the conversation along and not talk about the stupid drama at the fire station though. They have an interview to study for. And as much as Maya likes to ask silly questions, Carina needs to feel prepared too. “Should we study?” She gets onto her knees, closing in on Maya’s face.

Maya nods and leans back a little. She’s not sure what Carina is up to, but she likes it.

Carina points. “Look. Your left eye is bluer than the right one.” She gets comfortable and sits in front of Maya, pointing out the difference between her eyes.

“Oh?” Maya is drawn to this cute little vixen of hers.

Carina nods. “I’m gonna write that down, Clipboard Maya Bishop.” She teases easily. This feels good again. She felt like a ship that was listing on its side for weeks and has finally been righted again.

Maya grins and laughs. Her Italian is too cute right now. Even with the teasing.

“But first-“ Carina leans in, needing to feel Maya’s lips against hers.

“But first what?” Maya mumbles between kisses.

Carina motions between them. Maya hums and nods in agreement. Carina leans back to lay down and Maya follows her, kissing as they go. They get comfortable, heads on the same pillows, eyes locked together. Carina pushes Maya’s hair back over her ear. And Maya caresses Carina’s arm.

“I love you.” Carina says with barely any sound, but Maya wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Maya surges forward, pressing her lips to Carina’s. “I love you, Carina. So much.” Maya licks her lips as she thinks of something else to say.

She loves Carina. She loves Carina’s support. She loves Carina’s happiness. She loves Carina’s enthusiasm about all things in life. She loves that this is the woman that is going to make her a mother. With all the mixed emotions and craziness at work lately it’s easy to lose sight of what they are doing. Maya needs to soak in this moment for what it is. They are going to have a baby. Carina is going to get her green card. They are starting a life. The future isn’t so much the future anymore as it is the present. It fills her chest with so much hope and love.

“Maya Katherine Bishop.” Carina continues with her ‘studying’. She’s going to study Maya’s face, and her hands, and her arms, and legs, and stomach. She’s going to study her entire body many times before the day is over.

“See. I know your middle name. It’s your mom’s name.” Carina punctuates each statement with a kiss.

Maya knows it’s going to be one of those days. One of those days where they stay inside, in bed, all day and have lazy sex. They will eat and talk and have more sex. They will joke and laugh and ‘study’ the entire day. The thought alone gives her the warm fuzzies inside. Those feelings will be amplified further.

Carina leans into Maya, rubbing her nose against the blonde’s. “Today is going to be great.” She knows it. She can feel it. Every day that she gets to spend the entire day with her wife is amazing. It doesn’t matter what they are doing. Carina gets to touch and hold and just have Maya present. And maybe that’s what they need right now. It will be a nice break from the waiting and the wondering about whether or not she is pregnant. It’s been a constant on her mind but today she thinks about her interview and how they can use the day to prepare for that. In a fun way. She’s excited about their future. She’s excited about the nearest future of today, and the future of tomorrow, and a week from now, and a year from now.


The day of the appointment Carina is up and awake well before Maya. She’s awake before dawn. She’s so nervous. This interview has to go well. She has to be able to get her green card and stay in America. If not, Carina dreads the other outcome. She could be pregnant, and the government could force her to leave the country. To leave her home and her wife and the life that she has established. It’s a scary proposition.

In order to keep herself from thinking about it, Carina gets up and goes to the kitchen. Cooking usually centers her. She starts on French toast. French toast is a thing that makes her happy. It’s delicious and Maya loves it. There’s no better way to start the day.

Carina is whisking the eggs when Maya comes out of the bedroom sleepily rubbing at her face. “What are you doing?” A low drone to her voice from lack of use during sleep.

“Making French toast for breakfast.”

“At five in the morning?” She comes to stand next to Carina and observe their surroundings. She knows better than to ask why Carina is awake at this early hour. Maya sets her hand against Carina’s shoulder, turning towards her. “It looks amazing.” She compliments and strains up for a kiss.

Carina sighs into the kiss. A bit of relief runs through her. But it is short lived. “We have the interview today.”

A wry smile appears on Maya’s lips. “I am aware.” Maya gets a few slices of bread from the packaging, ready to assist Carina in this endeavor. “Here.” She holds a piece of bread out for Carina to dip in the batter. “What’s a newbie at the fire department called?”

“Maya.” Carina scolds the question. It’s not overlooked, however, the effort and ease with which Maya adapts to what she is doing. She doesn’t question why Carina is making breakfast so early or why she is awake and out of bed. Maya just knows what to do; how to go with the flow.

The blonde shrugs. “I know you are going to do fine. You’ve got the knowledge that is needed. You’ve been living here for years. We’ve been together for years and married for 18 months. There’s nothing to poke holes in. I’m sure they are going to ask all sorts of silly questions and bombard us with stuff about our relationship and how we met. Just tell the truth.” She’s not sure how she’s so calm about this. Maya would usually be worried. Not for herself but for Carina. But they’ve ‘studied’, and they’ve prepped. There’s not much more to do now but wait.

But Carina isn’t a patient person, Maya knows. So, it’s hard for her to wait on something that seems like it should be a no brainer. They should just give her the green card. She’s not trying to scam the system. The problem is the system doesn’t know that, so the system has to go through all its interviews and questions and have them properly vetted.

“Easy for you to say. You’re an American. You aren’t possibly going to get kicked out of the country.” Carina frowns down at the griddle.

Maya wraps her arms securely around Carina. “You aren’t going to get kicked out.” She has confidence in that. Confidence, maybe. Hope, yes. She won’t be able to handle it if, God forbid, Carina isn’t allowed a green card. She won’t even entertain the possibility because Maya knows she’ll spiral out of control and would probably implode on the spot. “Let’s finish breakfast. Then, how about we shower together.”

Carina smirks. “Good idea.” The water will be warm and relaxing and if she’s thinking what Maya is thinking than the shower sex will be even more relaxing.

“The appointment isn’t until ten.” Maya adds as if she needed to. It’s clear that she’s going to have to find ways to distract and keep Carina calm this morning. If roles were reversed, Maya knows she’d probably be more of a wreck than Carina is right now. She’d probably try to hide it. She’d probably go for a long long run or use other poor coping mechanisms. But she tries to remain present even if Carina is having a difficult time doing so.


Maya drives down to the immigration office. She was worried Carina would be too preoccupied to focus on driving. The Italian doesn’t even put up a fight when Maya takes the keys to the Porsche from her.

They check in and take a seat in the waiting area.

Carina taps nervously against the bag. “We’ve been waiting for hours.”

“It’s been forty minutes.” Maya corrects carefully. She doesn’t want to push Carina over her already anxious edge.

“Okay since we got inside. But then we were outside for, at least, a half an hour.” She’s really concerned with how long this waiting period is. Is it supposed to be this long of a wait? Is there something wrong with her paperwork? What’s with the delay?

“Still not hours, plural.” Maya adds.

Carina looks away from her wife. Maya just has to be difficult about this. She’s anxious and Maya is arguing semantics. She continues her nervous tapping. “I can’t believe they really made me throw my macchiato out at security.”

“You really don’t need more caffeine.” Maya wants to have fun with this. She wants to be lighthearted and try to ease Carina’s worry but can see that Carina isn’t having any of it. Which is evident when Carina turns to the bag with the files and paperwork in it.

“Okay, birth certificate. Check.” She starts looking through to make sure everything is in order. “Marriage certificate. Check. You have your passport?”

“Wait. Did I need that?” Maya tries a joke. Her face remains serious as she looks over at Carina. But then she sees the fear and absolute panic in Carina as her heart probably stops beating for a few seconds. “I’m kidding. I’m kidding.” She chuckles. She really isn’t going to get anything out of Carina but anxious nervous fear and worry.

“Ohhh. Do you really need to joke with me, Maya?” Now she’s annoyed. This isn’t the time for jokes or pranks or any nonsense. She can’t believe Maya is so lax about this. The woman who follows all the rules. The woman who makes lists on clipboards. Pros and cons to every situation. Is organized to the tilt. She’s not sure what’s up with Maya today but it’s grating on her last nerves.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She shakes her head, but she can practically see the smoke coming from Carina’s ears. “We have everything. We went over it with the lawyer like five times. We are good.”

“Okay.” Carina continues with her checks of the paperwork. She feels disappointed that Maya isn’t anxious with her. Their entire future rests on this interview going well and her getting a green card. If it doesn’t go well, they can basically kiss their future goodbye.

“Are you stressed about the interview or the fact that it’s almost time to take a pregnancy test?” Maya thinks that probably plays a role into Carina’s amped up emotions today. She sets her hand on Carina’s as the Italian pouts and whines. “Okay. Okay. Definitely both.” It’s clear now that Carina hadn’t even thought about the pregnancy test part. At least, not consciously.

“Everything always happens at once. Why?” She clenches her fists. “Why?” It’s never one thing or the other. It’s all things at one time.

“I know.” Maya lets out a long breath. “I’m trying to look at it as good luck on both fronts.” She’s sick of the waiting now, too. This is torture. If not for herself, for her wife. They need to get this over with so they can move on with their lives finally and put this immigration stuff behind them. It will feel really good to know that no one can kick Carina out again.

“We definitely don’t need luck when it comes to immigration. We just need whichever officer we get assigned to be in a good mood today, because our entire future depends on the whim of one person with too much power.” She looks around the room at the other occupants and wonders if they are going through their own personal hell like she is.

“So luck?” Maya isn’t one to believe in luck in most situations, but this might be the exception to that rule.

Carina rolls her eyes at Maya, conceding. “I’m very bad at waiting.”

“Oh, I know.” Maya is well aware that Carina is an impatient person. It’s endearing but if Carina had one big flaw, that might be it.

“DeLuca?”

Relief floods through Maya as their name is called.

Anxiety ratchets up in Carina as their name is called.

This is it.

“Yes.”

“Carina?”

“Yes. Yes, that’s me.” She gathers her bag and looks over to the man standing in the doorway.

Maya follows Carina towards the man. She takes a big steadying breath and tries to relax as much as possible. She knows they are about to be interrogated about their lives. It’s going to be stressful, and Maya hates personal questions to begin with. This man is going to be judging them based on their answers and then deciding if they are faking their relationship or if there’s any reason to deny Carina a green card. She feels the stress now.

Carina feels like she is about to puke as she takes a seat in front of Officer Dang’s desk. She tries to look around the room to see how it is decorated, trying to get any sort of read on the man or find anything she can use to talk about to get on his good side.

First, he asks to see their documents. After going over those, he starts asking some personal questions before moving to the required questions on the forms in front of him.

Carina is super annoyed at Maya. She can’t believe that Maya is making jokes and not taking this seriously. She’s not sure why that is. Maybe it’s just the stress. Maybe it’s the unfamiliar territory and situation. It’s so unlike Maya. But Carina doesn’t have time to dwell on it now. Officer Dang commands her attention and she needs to try to salvage this interview because she feels like Maya is blowing it.

It certainly didn’t help when Maya griped about her work environment. Carina wonders if that is the real stressor for Maya and not this interview.

Officer Dang checks boxes and scribbles on his paperwork. Carina is worries that it all means he is denying her.

She waits, looks over at Maya but then looks back to Officer Dang quickly. She doesn’t want to miss something he does or says. These could be her last moments in the US and she wants to remember everything that happens in this interview so that in the future she can correct any missteps. If she were to get the chance again, that is. Carina is going to wring Maya’s neck if she has to be deported because of something stupid that Maya said.

“Congratulations.” Officer Dang smiles across the desk at Carina. “You have a green card.” He closes up his paperwork.

“I do?” She’s not sure if she heard him correctly or if what he’s saying it true. “We do?” She looks over at Maya. Her wife is grinning from ear to ear. All thoughts of strangling Maya disappear.

“You remind me of me and my wife.” Officer Dang can tell that they are being genuine. Even in their nervous, sarcastic responses. “The bickering is endless.” Endless but it’s what binds them together and makes their relationship real and authentic. There’s no way these two women are faking it.

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.” Maya is breathless. This is it. This is the moment they’ve been waiting for. She moves from her spot on the wall, finally trusting herself to be close to Carina again. She reaches out and hugs her wife a bit awkwardly. Maya doesn’t know what to do. There’s no instruction manual for this. She doesn’t know the protocol.

She needs to thank the man behind the desk. Maya knows that much. “Thank you.” She whispers and turns to Officer Dang. “Thank you.” She shakes his hand. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” Maya reaches out and takes his face in her hands, squeezing his cheeks.

“Thank you so much.” Carina gets her appreciation in. She shakes his hand too. Not grabbing his face though, like Maya did. She’ll have to tease Maya about that one later. “Regards to the wife.”

Maya thanks Officer Dang a few more times as she moves to the exit. She can’t get out of the room fast enough.

Maya practically runs out of the immigration office building in her excitement.

“Maya. Slow down.”

The blonde spins around in the parking lot, coming to a stop facing Carina, her arms out at her sides. “We did it.” She looks up at the sky and screams. “We did it.”

Carina sees a few people in the parking lot glancing at them with curiosity, judgement, or concern. She hurries over to Maya and grabs her arm, pulling her into her side. “Shhhh.” She furrows her brows at her wife. “You are going to get my green card revoked.”

Maya laughs. “No, I won’t.” She takes Carina’s chin in her hand and pulls her into a quick kiss. “I love you.”

Carina’s annoyance softens. How can she not love Maya and her excitement and happiness. “Love you too, bella.” She sighs.

They get to the car and Maya turns to Carina. This time taking a little more time to appreciate the doctor before pulling her into a slow kiss. “Can we have sex when we get home?” She mumbles against Carina’s lips.

Carina chuckles. “You-“ Her finger strokes over Maya’s cheek.

“Me what?” Maya bites her lip and stares at Carina’s lips. She so wants to kiss her again but also wants to know what Carina is thinking.

“Drive.” She pushes Maya’s shoulder and groans in frustration. Yes, Carina would very much like sex. But she can’t start thinking about that now. They have to go pick up cupcakes, and a present, and other things for Pru’s party later at the station.

“One more kiss.” She plants a kiss on Carina’s cheek. Soft, sweet, and endearing.

Carina holds Maya’s hand as she drives. They make all their required stops.

“I thought you were going to kiss Officer Dang.” Carina grins.

“I was close.” Maya shakes her head. “I shouldn’t have grabbed his face.” She grimaces at her own weird actions.

“It was cute.” She squeezes Maya’s hand. “I do have a question though. Why were you so agitated and weird in there?”

Maya sighs. “I just wanted it to go well. I was being fake, I think, in an attempt for Officer Dang to like me. I thought he would appreciate a joking, easy going style. I didn’t pull that vibe off, did I?”

“Not at all.” Carina shakes her head and looks out the side window.

“What?” Maya glances over.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“No. But you just changed and got all reserved. What is it?” There’s something Carina is holding back on, Maya can tell.

“Why would you laugh about human trafficking?” She scowls out the window. That was the one thing that Maya said during the entire interview that bothers her the most.

Maya’s brow furrows. Did she do that? She was so focused on playing a role. Playing this jokey, supportive, taking a step back from being the focus kind of role. Until Officer Dang asked about her job, Maya felt like she mostly kept things in check.

Maya pulls the car off to the side and parks. She turns in her seat and takes Carina’s hands in her own. The brunette resists at first, but when Maya rubs the pads of her thumbs gently across her skin, she allows Maya to take her hands without being tense.

“Carina.” She tries to apologize but Carina won’t look at her. “Hey, Carina.” She says softly but still Carina looks out the passenger’s side window. “Will you please look at me?”

Carina’s heads swings around and Maya sees the hurt on her face and the tears in her eyes. “Andrea.” She blubbers.

“I know. I Know. I KNOW.” Maya gets it now. During the interview, she never even thought of Andrew. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed. It was all so ridiculous. Do they think people are actually going to answer with yes, I am going to commit genocide or start a human trafficking ring. It’s crazy. I shouldn’t have laughed. I’m sorry. I know what happened with Andrew. I know how much it hurt. I know that it’s a sensitive subject. I was careless with your feelings and I didn’t even think about him when human trafficking was mentioned, to be honest.” Maya takes a deep breath. She feels like she’s made a colossal mistake. “Mi dispiace, Carina.”

The Italian shakes her head. She still doesn’t understand.

Maya knows Carina needs more. “After- he said I was captain and asked about my job. I just- I got defensive. I ranted about it and all the crap that is happening at the station. I just- I let my own problems get the best of me in that moment. And after- that anger was just below the surface. And it festered there while the questions kept coming. I’m really sorry, my love. It wasn’t intentional. I cracked. I couldn’t take the questions anymore. It felt like he was accusing you of something. You are a doctor. You are the kindest, most generous person I know. For him to just ask such asinine questions. I couldn’t help it anymore. I know it reflects poorly on me.” Maya hangs her head. “I wanted it to go well. Maybe I put to much pressure on it. Maybe I was more stressed out about you being approved than I thought.”

Carina exhales loudly through her nose. Maya’s words make sense but she just wishes her wife hadn’t acted the way she did. “We were both stressed.” She admits. “I’m sorry, too.”

“NO. No, no. You don’t need to be sorry.” Maya jiggles Carina’s hands. “Stop. You are perfect. You are always so perfetto. You did perfectly.” She runs her hands up Carina’s arms. “Come here.” She wraps Carina up in an embrace.

“It was a wild ride.” Carina whispers.

“It was.” Maya runs her hands up and down Carina’s back.

A little time is spent in an embrace. It feels necessary. Carina leans back first, and Maya lets her go. Brown eyes lock onto blue. An exchange of looks, I’m sorry’s, before Carina nods and smiles softly. Maya sighs and matches Carina’s smile.

 They arrive at the station with cupcakes, a stuffed duck doll, and produce.

“You were the one that was talking about the first time we had sex.” Maya has her own gripes about the interview. She doesn’t understand how Carina would volunteer that information.

“Yes, because I knew it would embarrass you.” Carina points out. “And make him believe that we are a real couple.”

“Wait.” Maya slows her pace. “That’s actually genius.” She gives Carina props for that.

“I know.” Carina wears a proud smile. “It worked.”

“They still out?”

“I think we missed a big one. Nuclear waste.”

Maya knows she missed out as soon as he says it. She whines and pouts about it. “Oh man.”

Carina doesn’t like how disappointed Maya is about missing the opportunity to handle nuclear waste. “Oh. Okay. I hope once our baby comes you’re not going to say oh man about missing radiation exposure.” She mocks Maya a little.

“You have your hobbies, I have mine.”

Responding to a disaster isn’t exactly a hobby, Carina knows.

Carina walks in first to see the chief coming through the front door. Her stomach drops. The emotions over the last few hours have been intense but to see the chief right now only ratchets up the anxiety again. She knows full well and Maya and the chief aren’t on good terms.

“Chief.” Maya is the one to greet the woman. “They’re still on the call.”

Chief Ross corrects Maya. “They’re headed back. They just left.”

Carina observes the interaction between her wife and her boss with close eyes.

Maya nods like she knew what Ross is telling her. She wants to give off the impression that she knows about the call even though she wasn’t present.

“It was a lot. Man, you missed a big one.” She tells Maya.

Maya feels like the chief is rubbing it in that she missed the call. She is realizing now that Ross was at the scene.

There is a beat of awkward silence. Chief Ross looks to Carina. She looks her up and down subtly.

“Uh, are you here for Pru’s party?” Maya is suspicious of why the chief is here if she knows all about the call and was at the site. What more could she want? She was literally on scene and saw what was happening. She doesn’t need to come ask about the firefighters, if they are okay, or ask about the call.

“Mhm. Yeah.” The chief nods. She doesn’t miss the look on Maya’s face though.

Maya knows she’s caught Ross in something and that in no way is she at the station for the little girl’s party. She doesn’t even know Pru. “You hardly know Warren.” She doesn’t bother sugar coating it. Maya is flat out with the chief that she knows she’s there for other reasons.

Ross starts to sweat. This Bishop woman is one smart cookie. She’s smarter than your average firefighter. She’s smarter than anyone else in station 19, that’s for sure.

Another silence ensues and Maya knows she may have gone too far with her comment about Warren. She feels Carina’s eyes on her and looks over at her wife and knows she went too far. “I mean it’s always a- a pleasure to have you here- chief.” She tries to save herself with the chief and with her wife.

Ross feels like she’s lost this battle with Bishop. She could say something about how Maya is talking out of line to her superior, disrespecting her, but knows that wouldn’t get her far because Maya knows something else is up. She’s stuck. She can’t really say anything one way or another. “I’ll be in Beckett’s office.”

“See you later.” Carina tries to salvage the awkward exchange.

Ross hums as she turns her back to the pair.

“What-“ Carina is super curious about the exchange and wonders if this is a common occurrence between her wife and the chief.

“I swear she finds a new excuse to come here every day.” Maya whispers as they climb the stairs.

“So did I, when you and I first started dating.” Carina is trying to figure it out too. Just like her wife there is something very suspicious going on with the chief.

That was different. Carina wasn’t her boss. Carina wasn’t involved at all with the station at that time. “Yeah well, you weren’t in charge of the promotions of everyone I care about.”

Carina hears the snark in Maya’s comment and reels her back in. “Okay, can we enjoy this great news? For just one night.”

“You’re right. You’re right.” Maya needs to try to put station politics and drama aside to celebrate Carina’s green card and Pru’s adoption.

Carina gets to work setting out the cupcakes on plates and trying to make a nice presentation of them.

“They’re just cupcakes.” Maya slides her hand low across Carina’s back. It’s almost not fair what Carina is wearing today. To Maya, her wife looks super sexy and powerful. It was a great choice for the interview. It’s an even better choice for Maya’s imagination.

There is a pout on Carina’s lips. “I want them to look nice.”

“You look nice.” Maya whispers and sets her chin on Carina’s shoulder.

They are all over the place today. Carina knows it’s okay to be, but the emotions are everywhere. She tips her head against Maya’s. “Grazie, bella.” Carina whispers back. “Are you finished with the celery sticks and carrots?”

“I am.” Maya lifts her chin, a proud smile on her face.

Carina turns and takes Maya’s hand in hers. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?”

Carina doesn’t say. She just tugs Maya along and Maya willingly follows.

They end up on the roof. It’s a bright sunny day. There is a bit of a wind on the roof, and it blows some of Maya’s hair around. Carina takes her hands and tames that hair. She holds Maya’s head around the ears.

“Carina-“ She starts to question but Carina kisses her. Their lips slide against each other. Maya grips at Carina’s waist, holding on steadily. If not, she might just fall over. The kiss is a bit of a surprise to her. She wants to question what got into Carina but doesn’t need to ask. Maya feels it too.

Carina sighs and rests her forehead against Maya’s. “I needed to you myself for a moment.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm.” Carina nods. “We can go back now.” She goes to take a step away, but Maya prevents her from moving.

“Not so fast, Dr. DeLuca.” Maya smirks. She reaches up and plays with Carina’s tie. Her eyes find Carina’s, not really paying any attention to what her hands are doing. She’s very happy that Carina isn’t going anywhere. And in this moment, she keeps Carina with her for just a little bit longer before they have to go back down for the start of the party.

Notes:

The next chapter is maya threatening to expose Ross and Sullivan and her and Carina going home after the party. Them finding out that Jack is missing and taking a pregnancy test.

Chapter 73

Notes:

Hello all, here is the next installment. There is a lot going on in this chapter. lots of complicated emotions. Enjoy!
Thanks to all for reading.

Chapter Text

Ben makes a speech, and the party for Pru gets underway.

Maya sees Ross and Sullivan sneak off during the party. It all but confirms her suspicions. Carina is playing with Pru so Maya has the opportunity to follow them and figure out what’s going on. She needs something to go on other than instinct and suspicion. She needs hard proof that Sullivan and Ross are sneakily having an affair.

She stands in the hallway and listens to their conversation. They are talking about Ross moving into an office at 19. And then it turns to talk of Andy and if Sullivan can work with her if Andy comes back to this station.

That tidbit of information is more worrisome than the thought of catching Sullivan and Ross in the act. Maya fears that she’s going to get moved out of the station, or fired, so Andy can come back. It is Andy’s firehouse after all. Why else would Ross be asking Sullivan to work with Andy?

“I want my job back.” She blurts as she steps into the room. Maya is going to jump in before anything else can be said between the two and, hopefully, before she is replaced by Andy. No more being sidelined by incompetent men, or rules, or bureaucracy.

“Bishop.” Ross warns but Maya doesn’t listen or heed that warning.

“I know you two are sleeping together. I want my job back or I’m going to report you.” She lays it out.

Ross is shocked for a moment. She stands there with her mouth hanging open. But then looks at Sullivan and scoffs. Again, there’s nothing she can say that won’t get her in trouble or confirm what Maya is saying. She goes to leave the room, making sure to bump into Maya’s shoulder roughly as she does so.

That leaves Sullivan with Maya. She waits for whatever excuse he is going to use. He shakes his head but can’t find the words.

The blonde takes some satisfaction in that.

He glares at her, but Maya doesn’t make eye contact. She doesn’t give in to the way he is trying to manipulate her with his eyes and dirty, disappointed looks.

He exits too and Maya lets out the breath she was holding. She isn’t sure how that was going to play out or end. The intention wasn’t to come in here and threaten them with exposing their affair but her pent up frustration with the chief and the lack of an investigation into her insubordination got the better of her. Maya knows she’s not perfect and she tries her best to keep her problems to herself and not let them become other people’s problems but it’s just a lot to keep in all the time.

 She’s not sure where the pair are going. Away from her and somewhere else to continue their affair, probably.

Maya knows she just made two enemies, though.

Other than that, she is left to wonder what just happened. They didn’t threaten her back. They didn’t even say anything. Now that it’s done, Maya wishes one or both of them would have said something to her. The scowl on Ross’ face said some things but not enough for Maya to discern what she was thinking in that moment.

The more she thinks about it, the more Maya worries. As she returns to the party, it’s all she can think about. Maya barely feels the way Carina’s leans into her side or the way she has her hands wrapped around Maya’s elbow. She smiles when required to smile and nods when agreeing with something that is being said.

The focus is on Pru. The celebration is for her. But what about Carina? Shouldn’t the crew be celebrating Carina’s green card? No one has even mentioned it or congratulated her on it. Maya stews about that as well as what transpired between her and Ross and Sullivan. There’s not so much as a simple ‘hey congrats’ from anyone from her crew to either her or Carina. It feels a little like no one really cares. She wonders if she’s caused that. Do the people on her crew really care that Carina gets to stay in this country? Or do they just care about themselves and their emotions and problems. Sure, Andy just went through a traumatic event and Pru’s adoption should be celebrated but is it too much to just say congrats? Maya isn’t looking for a party to celebrate Carina’s good news but a little recognition would be nice.

She sees Ross pull Andy aside. She wonders if her threat is about to be called out. Is the chief going to expose her to Andy or in front of everyone at this party? Is Andy getting her spot? Did what she say to Ross force a decision from the chief? Maya stomach flips and she closes her eyes to try to prevent the nausea.

Maya has never felt like her job was in jeopardy more than in this moment.

Carina pulls Maya aside. The blonde has been quiet recently. And a little fidgety. “You okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just been-“ Maya swallows thickly. “-a day.” She puts on a strained smile for Carina.

Carina will agree to that. She leans in and whispers in Maya’s ear. “You wanna get out of here and go have our own private party?” As much as she loves little Pru Miller, Carina could use a more adult celebration for her own reasons today.

“Yeah.” Maya bites on her bottom lip. She feels guilty. She isn’t really feeling it anymore. Before, she was game for celebratory sex but now she feels sick to her stomach. She feels just, in general, bad.

Maya holds Carina’s hand on the drive home. Traffic isn’t terrible so they get home quickly. And Carina is all for continuing what they had started in the car after the green care interview. She presses Maya up against the door once it’s closed. Her hips hold Maya in place while her hands pull down the zipper on her sweater.

They get to kissing and Maya enjoys their kisses, she always does. And she knows Carina wants to have sex. She just wishes she did too. Maya feels embarrassed about not wanting sex right now. She has the sexiest wife on the planet, who is literally undressing both of them, but all Maya wants to do is curl up in bed.

She starts to wonder if threatening Ross and Sullivan was a good idea. It’s regret that is swirling in her stomach and making her sick. Maya regretted what she did as soon as the chief and Sullivan left the room. It had taken Maya a little bit to realize that feeling was regret but now she knows. And now it’s eating away at her insides.

What she fears now is retribution. She fears what happens next. Maya hasn’t had any communications that she’s lost her job. Has Andy really taken her place at the station? Is that what she walked in on with Ross and Sullivan? Is that why Ross pulled Andy aside? Is Ross going to reprimand her, demote her further, fire her? She is filled with regret and shame and embarrassment.

She tries to focus on Carina though. They are supposed to be celebrating her green card. She tries to set her problems aside and be with her wife but it’s difficult. She hums, though, as Carina tugs on her bottom lip with her teeth.

Things move to the bedroom. Maya lays down on the mattress and Carina hovers over her. Maya reaches up and pulls Carina down into a kiss. She doesn’t want Carina looking at her, searching her face, examining her features, and seeing that shame and regret and embarrassment.

Carina slips her hand between their bodies. Fingers tickle and dance against Maya’s skin. She feels across tightly curled hairs down to Maya’s folds. She breaks their kiss and raises an eyebrow in surprise. She’s surprised that Maya isn’t aroused. There’s been plenty of foreplay, kissing, touching. Never in her time with Maya has this been the case.

“I thought-“ It’s almost alarming. Never once has Maya not been wet for her. Not once. There have been times when Maya didn’t want to have sex or wasn’t in the mood. Yes. Or the time after she cheated when she felt terrible about herself and what she had done. But never once that they’ve gone to have sex has this been an occurrence.

“Keep going. Please.” Maya closes her eyes. Her embarrassment doubles. “It’ll happen.” She wills her body to respond. She thinks about Carina and all her sexiness. She thinks about how she will use her hands and fingers and lips and tongue.

Carina pulls away from Maya though. She looks her over. Up and down, appraising her, trying to figure out if there’s something that she can see in Maya’s body language, something she’s missing. Something has happened to cause this. The blonde has been edgy since their appointment with the immigration officer this afternoon, but Carina had thought that was only because Maya was nervous. She was nervous too. They didn’t want for Carina to be denied or deported or have to go to Italy and wait for some uncertain amount of time.

But Carina got her green card. The worrying and fear should be over. Carina had felt relief. Maya has seemed off, though. Even at the station, during Pru’s party. “Maya, are you okay?” Something is telling Carina that she’s missing something. Her instincts are telling her something is wrong.

The blonde sighs. “Yeah. Let’s just-“ She reaches for Carina’s hand. “Continue. It’s just been a long day, that’s all.” She puts Carina’s hand between her legs again.

“Are you sure?” Carina isn’t convince. Maya is acting peculiar and denying anything is wrong but Carina just isn’t sure that’s the case.

“Absolutely.” She hopes she sounds convincing. She feels anything but convincing. The thing is she just hopes she can push through this and get to the other side. That way she can figure out what to do next. Maya needs a new plan because clearly her old plan didn’t work and now she’s just threatened to expose her boss. And the problem with that is she doesn’t have any solid evidence. If Maya could find some evidence than it could be more than just a threat. But right now, it’s not.

She pulls Carina into another kiss. She hates that Carina doubts her. “I love you.” She whispers, hoping that will sweeten the deal. She hopes that Carina believes her. “Make me feel good, Carina.” She wants that to happen. Maya desperately wants to feel good.

She’s not sure who she would even go to if she had evidence. Human resources probably. Go there with her evidence and file a claim against Ross and Sullivan. Maybe that can be the new plan. To find evidence. Maya just needs to figure out how to do that now. If Ross moves into an office at 19, like she and Sullivan were talking about, it could be a lot easier to get the evidence that she needs.

Fingers press against her and Maya hums, remembering where she is, that she in the middle of sex with her wife. She tries to focus on that, but she really can’t. Carina’s fingers feel amazing, but Maya just isn’t in the right head space. She thinks about faking an orgasm to just get this over with so she can go down on Carina and they can go to bed. Maya wonders if Carina would know or not if she faked it. Knowing her wife, she would probably easily be able to tell.

It takes a long time, but Maya finally hits that peak. It’s a small peak but a peak none-the-less.

After going down on Carina, Maya lays with her cheek to Carina’s stomach, eyes facing the end of the bed so Carina can’t see her face and figure out that something is wrong. She strokes her fingers over the soft tan skin of Carina’s hip, her nails ghost over Carina’s side.

“Bambina?” She wraps her hand around Maya’s shoulder and tries to get her to sit up. “Are you really okay?” Carina isn’t one to mince words. She can feel that something is wrong even if Maya won’t say it is.

Inside the blonde’s head she is screaming at herself that everything is wrong. Everything except the green card and Carina. Everything else in her life is wrong and terrible and off balance.

“Should we take a test now?”

Fuck.

Maya forgot about that. She sits up. “Yeah, lets do it.” She puts on a smile for Carina.

“Or should we wait until morning? That’s the best time to take them.” Carina is more worried about Maya right now. She’s not sure why she even brought up taking a pregnancy test. Probably because it was what they planned to do today. Carina thought that mention of the test would get Maya excited and out of her mood.

But maybe they should wait until tomorrow morning. Today was a lot and it was emotionally taxing. She would love to be able lay in bed and cuddle and talk more about the big emotions of their day.

“Is it?” Maya has no idea. She’s never in her life taken a pregnancy test. Or been around anyone who has.

Carina’s phone rings.

“Ignore it.” Maya doesn’t want to deal with anything else today. Haven’t they been through enough?

Carina picks up her phone and looks at it. “It’s Andy.”

Maya wrinkles up her face. Andy isn’t someone she wants to talk to right now. Especially if Andy took her job. She wonders, briefly, if Ross is making Andy call to tell Maya that she’s being replaced by Andy. How cruel would that be? Maya thinks it would be the perfect way for Ross to get back at her.

“Hello.” Carina answers the call.

“What?” Her brow raises on her forehead.

“No. I don’t know. Maya and I are at home.” She stares over at her wife.

Maya clues into the concerned look on Carina’s face.

“Where’s your phone?” She asks Maya.

“I shut it off. I didn’t want anyone to bother us.”

“Jack’s missing.” Carina says.

“Missing? What do you mean missing?” Maya doesn’t believe he’s missing. He can’t be. He’s a grown man. He’s not missing. He doesn’t have dementia or any mental health issues. He knows where he is and where he’s going. He is a grown man who is, somewhat, capable of making decisions for himself. But then Maya thinks about the mood he was in when Carina mentioned they were going to take a test and asked if he wanted to be present.

“I don’t need a pity family.”

His words ring in Maya’s ears now. She gets to her feet and puts some clothes on while Carina talks more to Andy. She knows Jack isn’t missing. He, may have however, gone off to pout somewhere about the siblings he found out about recently that he never knew existed. That’s more likely than anything. She knows a few spots where he might be and is willing to go check to see if she can find Jack herself. He can’t be missing.

“Maya?”

“Hmm.”

“What are you doing?” Carina sits with her back against the headboard.

Maya looks over and sees her beautifully naked wife. Her hair is tousled, her cheeks a little blushed. There is not a more beautiful sight in the universe. “I’m going to look for Jack. What did Andy say?” She gets her phone and turns it back on.

Carina bites her lip, not sure that she should tell Maya, but the blonde needs to know all the information they are working with. “He gave up his position at the station for Andy to come back.”

“He quit his job?” Maya’s words are high pitched and accusatory.

“Seems like it.” Carina nods. “Andy said Ross said that a spot was opening up at the station and Andy could have it. She went to the lockers found a note in Jack’s locker that just said you’re welcome.”

The conversation she caught Ross having with Sullivan about Andy returning makes a little more sense now. It was her that Andy was going to be replacing, it was Jack. “That’s some bullshit.” Maya huffs and stares down at the floor. “What a dumbass?” She shakes her head. It’s just like Jack to get hurt feelings and do something irrational like quit his job.

Here she is fighting to stay employed with the fire department and he quits his job like it doesn’t matter. It makes Maya even more angry.

“Hey.” Carina sees Maya ball up her hands into fists, her shoulders tense, her jaw clenches. She moves to the end of the bed and gets her hands on Maya’s biceps. “Relax, bella. We will find him.”

Maya shakes her head. “He’s so stupid sometimes.”

Carina frowns. Her feelings on Jack have always been mixed but this throws a twist into even that. “You shouldn’t call him stupid. He’s going through a lot.”

“Like we aren’t?” She throws her arms out at her sides, causing Carina’s hands to slip off. “Like Andy isn’t? Why does he get to run off and hide from his problems?”

Carina’s eyebrows raise. “Do you-“ She can’t make herself say the rest of that question. Does Maya want to run away from her problems as well.

“No.” Maya is firm. She understands the non-question though. “I’m not going anywhere. I wouldn’t do that to you again.” She finally looks up to find caring brown eyes watching her closely. “I’m here.” She says it as much for herself as for Carina.

She reaches for Carina’s hands and takes them in her own, giving them a gentle squeeze. An I’m sorry squeeze. She tips her head to the side and gives Carina a tight lipped smile. Carina squeezes her hands in return and Maya sighs. She just wishes she could get a second to catch her breath today. It feels like it’s just one thing after another.

“Do you want me to come with?” Carina asks.

Maya hangs her head, losing eye contact. This isn’t how she wanted to end her day. She wanted to lay in bed with Carina and just enjoy the comfort that Carina brings her. “You don’t have to.”

She knows that Maya is deflecting. “But do you want me to?”

Maya tries to avoid the question. Her cheek twitches though, giving her away. “Yes.”

Carina leans in and presses her lips to Maya’s left cheek. “Let me get dressed.”

Maya and Carina spend the evening driving around all the places Maya has known Jack to frequent. They got word from Andy that she checked his apartment and there was no sign of him. There also wasn’t anything missing or out of place like he had taken his stuff and left. That leads Maya to believe that Jack is somewhere close.

As it approaches ten at night, Carina suggests they head home.

Maya is the big spoon, her hand resting over Carina’s stomach. She knows they are going to take a test in the morning. She hopes with everything inside her that it is positive. Maya needs something to stay positive about. A baby on the way would bring that. It’s something to look forward to. It’s something to focus on that isn’t work, or the chief and Sullivan, or Jack being MIA. Maya still thinks he’ll show up in a few days. She’s not overly worried about it because she understands how he is feeling.


Maya gets up quietly the next morning. She puts on leggings, a sweatshirt, and her running shoes and goes out for a run. She leaves Carina a note. She means what she said yesterday. She’s not going anywhere. That doesn’t mean though that she’s not going to try to work out her frustrations and thoughts during a run.

Carina wakes up to Maya’s side of the bed empty and cold. The blonde has been gone a while. Carina runs her hands over her face. She slept well last night. Not like the night before when she was anxious and awake at five in the morning making French toast. She finds a note and a glass of water on her nightstand.

Went for a run. Be back soon. XO

She lays in bed until she hears Maya coming back in the door.

Maya sneaks into the bedroom to get some clothes before her shower, not wanting to wake Carina.

“Hey.” Carina’s voice is deep with sleep.

“Oh.” Maya looks over. “You’re awake.” She approaches the bed and gives Carina a sweet kiss. “Morning, my love.”

“Buongiorno, bella.” Carina wraps her fist in Maya’s sweatshirt. “How was your run?”

“Good.” Maya hums. “Nothing exciting.”

“Are you ready to take the test?” Carina hasn’t forgotten. She hasn’t gotten up to pee yet in anticipation.

Maya swallows thickly. “Yeah.” She’s suddenly scared about the results. “Do you want to do it right away?”

“Yeah.” Carina releases Maya, who takes a step back. She shuffles out of bed and Maya reaches for her hand. There is a quiet nervousness between them.

Maya is afraid to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. She so wants this to go well. She wants the test to read positive. She wants for there to be a baby rooted and growing inside Carina. It would be an amazing gift right now.

The odds are lodged in Carina’s brain. She knows the odds are against them, but she is hopeful that they are those people that can beat the odds. Maya is her one in a million. She hopes this baby can be two in a million.

Carina sits as Maya gets the test out. It was put on the shopping list the day after the insemination. They are ready for this.

Maya takes a deep breath. She holds the test out to Carina.

“Can you uh-“ Carina doesn’t get embarrassed but maybe a little self-conscious right now about peeing in front of Maya. The spotlight in on her in this moment.

“I’ll go get some clothes.” Maya takes the hint and gives Carina privacy for a moment. She heads back into the bedroom and picks something to wear for the day. She has to go to work so she’ll just be taking it off as soon as she gets to the station, but the blue jeans and grey long sleeve shirt are simple but effective.

Carina pees on the stick. She gets some on her fingers and frowns. It’s a messy thing. Nothing she can’t handle but still. She sets the test in a glass and wipes and washes her hands. “Maya?” She yells.

“Yeah?”

“Set a timer.” She shouts for her wife.

The blonde quickly starts the stopwatch on her phone and gathers her clothes and moves back towards the bathroom. Carina is sitting on the closed toilet in her tiny sleep shorts and tank top. Her wife is always beautiful but something about Carina in the morning just really gets to Maya.

“Come here.” Carina waves her over. Maya comes to stand in front of her, between Carina’s legs. The doctor wraps her arms around Maya’s hips and tucks her face against her stomach.

The minutes pass and Maya keeps checking her phone.

“Do you want to look at it together?” Maya asks softly. She looks down and Carina looks up at her and nods. “Okay.” She licks her lips and grabs the test from the glass. She knees on the floor in front of the toilet so they can look at the pregnancy test at the same time.

Maya feels like she is going to puke. For a different reason today than yesterday. Their lives are about to change. One way or another there is going to be a change.

She flips the test over.

Negative.

Maya blows out a breath. “I’m sorry.” She sighs. Her heart constricts tightly in her chest. That nausea gets worse for a moment before Maya is able to breathe through it.

Carina hangs her head. She’s disappointed. It didn’t work. She feels like she is disappointing Maya somehow. “I’m sorry too.” She sniffles.

Maya throws the test into the sink and wraps her arms around Carina’s shoulders; her lips press to brunette hair. It is disappointing. Another failure. She didn’t fail but Carina failed, and Jack failed. They both failed and Maya has to carry that burden of failure for them. Jack in missing and he doesn’t even know that the test took place or that it was negative. She has to carry the burden for Carina because she knows the Italian is devastated and she needs to be strong for her wife. That’s her role in all this, right. She isn’t an active part of it, but she has to carry the weight and the burden of the failure.

Another failure to add to Maya’s list of many failings. She failed at being captain. She failed at trying to get her captaincy back. She failed at finding evidence against Sullivan and Ross. It seems like there’s nothing she hasn’t failed at recently.

She holds Carina as she cries. She pets a hand over the back of her head, her hair.

Maya doesn’t know what the odds were of their attempt working. She doesn’t know what Carina is crying over. The failed attempt or that fact that they might not get another try with Jack being gone and no clue when he’s going to show up again. Or even if he would be interested in donating again. Everything is up in the air and Maya doesn’t know what happens next.

“What are we going to do now?” Carina blubbers.

She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what to tell Carina either. “We’ll figure it out.” She tries to reassure. She presses her lips to the side of Carina’s head. “We’ll figure it out.” She whispers the words into Carina’s hair.

Maya focuses on getting Carina through this disappointment. They will figure out a way to try again. They will figure something out. Maya is dedicated to giving Carina the baby that she so desperately wants. This was just one attempt. They can try again. If it wasn’t illegal and unethical and she wouldn’t get in trouble for it, Maya would steal someone’s baby just so her wife could have a baby. She would do anything.

Her own feelings towards a baby are complicated. And they have only gotten more complicated in recent months since they decided to try for a baby. She doesn’t know how she can support a child when she can’t even support her own career. How is she supposed to be a role model for a child when she’s being demoted and singled out at work? How can she come home and do these things and have a child respect her when no one in the fire department respects her as a captain or lieutenant? And it’s starting to feel like they don’t even respect her as a firefighter.

Does she want to have a family with Carina? Yes. Does she wish her life were different or better than it is right now? Also, yes. She wonders if they should’ve started this journey sooner. When she was still captain. Maya thinks it would’ve been easier then. There wouldn’t be this added pressure on her.

Carina sighs and lifts her head. Her bloodshot eyes find Maya. The blonde’s blue eyes are steely, focused but she doesn’t see any tears. “Aren’t you sad?”

“Hmm.” Maya hums. “I am.” She’s mostly sad for Carina. She’s sad that for whatever reason their first attempt didn’t work. “I just wish it would’ve worked and now-“ She looks away from Carina. “Jack is gone and-“

Carina takes Maya’s face in her hands making her look at her. “I don’t care about Jack right now.” She’s annoyed that Maya is already thinking about what happens next. Sure, she wants to know too. But they need to grieve first.

Maya frowns. Carina has been all over the place about Jack. She hasn’t really questioned it because she thought it was all because they were trying to get pregnant. In a sense, whatever Carina wanted goes or went. Maya has mostly been focused on how she was going to get her job back. The times she focused on the pregnancy journey it was like she was living in an altered reality. It was easy to go along with what was happening. As callous as it sounds, it wasn’t happening to her. Part of Maya knows it’s selfish. She had her own problems to worry about. But now that they know that the pregnancy didn’t take, she has Carina’s problems to handle as well.

“But we picked Jack to-“ She hates that her brain says ‘be the daddy’ but that’s how it feels. Somehow, she’s gotten herself in a relationship with Carina AND Jack. It seemed like Carina has wanted Jack to be involved in every step of the process. She even wanted him to be there to take the pregnancy test with her. Maya disagrees and she hasn’t said anything about it because again, it’s what Carina wanted, and she wants her wife to be happy.

“He’s MIA and that leaves us stuck. I know it might be too early to talk about this but if we want to try again and he doesn’t return in the next few days we’ll have to wait for him to come back. And I honestly don’t know when that will be. Andy has looked for him. We looked for him. She’s had other people keeping an eye out for him.”

Carina takes in a slow, deep breath. “We should try again.” Carina knows time is ticking. The clock is against them. And if they want to try again this month, they have less than 14 days to figure out how. The real question is if they want to try again right away or not and then if it even possible in such a short period of time.

“I wanted it to be Jack.”

Maya hums. She refrains from asking why. A part of her thinks that Carina is using him because he’s convenient. Or because he’s a firefighter. The one from her station that is white like Maya. Or that because her own brother is MIA still, she’s using Jack as a substitute brother. But Maya doesn’t see Jack like a brother. Yes, at work they have to be a family and have each other’s backs and she has explained that concept to Carina on more than one occasion. But that doesn’t mean she wants to be his ‘brother’ outside of work. Or maybe it’s Carina’s bleeding heart. She sees Jack and how sad he is and how much trouble he’s had in his own life with his own family and wants to give him something good. Whatever it is, Maya is afraid to know. Jack is her ex. He’s the man she cheated on Carina with. Maya doesn’t see him as more than that. But Carina seemed to have wanted him a part of their family and she would’ve had to accept that. So to possibly be pivoting to someone else gives Maya selfish relief.

Carina had this thing all planned out in her head. They would use Jack once, get pregnant, and all live happily ever after. It was naive of her. Very, very naive of her. When he had initially offered, it made Carina’s skin crawl. But as time passed and she and Maya couldn’t agree on someone the thought of Jack kept coming back. It would be easy. He’s a big goof of a man and she knew it wouldn’t be hard to convince him. Carina thought it would be harder to convince Maya. And it was. He was available and convenient, and Carina didn’t want to run around in circles anymore. She wanted to get the baby ball rolling. What she didn’t know was that the testing they had him do would lead to a discovery that he had siblings. That shocking revelation had almost derailed everything. If she knew that was going to be the result and that Jack was going to run off she never would have asked him.

They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back now, Carina didn’t do her homework. They should have vetted him further. But after Dean’s death and all the raw emotions that Jack was feeling, that they all were feeling, everything was rushed once Jack agreed. Carina should have put more importance on Jack’s mental stability, or lack thereof, in this case. She should also know better. When couples pick a known donor, they often are required to go through therapy. They should sign paperwork. They should be screened and tested. And as a doctor, Carina leapfrogged all those steps in an attempt to get pregnant as quickly as possible.

And she isn’t.

Maybe it’s karma or the universe telling her to slow down. Jack disappearing is a sign that this wasn’t done properly the first time around. That she needs to put more care and thought into what she is doing rather than just getting a cup of jizz and going with it.

Maya glances over at the clock. She has to be to work in thirty minutes. “Can we discuss this more later? I really have to get to work.”

Carina bows her head but nods.

“I love you, Carina. We will figure this out. I promise.”

Carina chews on her bottom lip. She’s not sure Maya should be promise something like that. She knows it’s only one attempt and the odds weren’t in their favor, but she can’t help but think that maybe something is wrong with her, that she not meant to carry a child. She doubts herself. Then there’s the thought of disappointment Maya. Wonderful Maya, who wants to hold a tiny version of her is probably disappointed in her for not being pregnant.

“I’m sorry.” Carina mumbles.

“For what? You didn’t do anything wrong. It just didn’t take.” She shrugs and tucks brunette hair behind Carina’s ear. “I love you.” She leans in for a kiss.

Carina sighs into the kiss. “Ti amo, Maya.” Tears threaten to spill again. She watches carefully as Maya gets to her feet, throws the test in the garbage can, and washes her hands and face. She pulls her clothes off and puts the clothes on that she picked to wear to work. “You look nice.”

“Thanks.” Maya smiles timidly. She runs a brush through her hair. “Are you going to be okay?”

Carina sucks her lower lip into her mouth and nods unsteadily. She has to go to work as well. Somehow, she’s going to have to pull herself today and get through the day. A day where she will be seeing pregnant patient after pregnant patient.

“Call me if you need anything.” Maya whispers and bends down for a kiss. Sure and steady, Maya wills all the love she has for Carina into the kiss. She tries to let Carina know that it’s going to be alright on the baby front with that kiss. “Ti amo, Carina. Ti amo.” She nods. Her hand petting over Carina’s check as she slips away. “Ti amo.”

Carina sighs. As Maya gets to the bathroom door, she repeats the words. “Ti amo.” It’s a whisper as she looks back at Carina with a tight-lipped smile and sad, sorry eyes.

Hanging her head, Carina wishes that they didn’t have to go to work. But life carries on. She gets up eventually and takes a shower before getting some coffee and getting ready for work.

Chapter 74: Runaway Train

Notes:

I want to thank each and every one of you who are still reading and following along, those who discovered this story in recent months and have read the entirety of it. This story is larger than i ever imagined it could be. Thank you.

In this Chapter: Maya and Carina try to move on from their disappointment and prepare for a second attempt.

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Runaway Train. All aboard the runaway train. It’s about to go off the tracks. The lyrics of this song tie in perfectly to Maya Bishop in this period of her life. Every single lyric feels like it's from Maya’s perspective. It adds a little extra pain to this chapter, I think. I listened to it on repeat while writing this chapter.

Chapter Text

Maya returns from her shift in the morning. Carina is still in bed.

Her shift went well. She got the cold shoulder from Sullivan. Which was to be expected. Things were tense and weird outside the actual calls they had though. Jack’s absence was made clear. Everyone knows he’s MIA but no one has any idea where he is. Ross didn’t make an appearance during their shift and Maya isn’t sure if that’s good or bad.

She pulls her jeans off and climbs into bed. Carina hums as Maya curls up behind her, pressing a kiss to Carina’s shoulder. “Go back to sleep.” She whispers and feels Carina nod. She wraps a protective arm around her wife and closes her own eyes. Maya doesn’t think she’s going to be able to sleep. There’s too much going on in her mind. But being with Carina is what’s going to get her, and them, through this sad and unsure time. She clings to her wife, both of them needing that familiar touch and comfort.

They had texted back and forth a few times yesterday. Maya wanted to know how Carina was doing. They didn’t get a chance to talk though. Maya thinks back to the devastation on Carina’s face when the test was negative. That was just one day ago. 24 hours. And yet it feels like days or weeks. Time seems to be moving unevenly for Maya. That moment feels like so long ago, yet, last night Maya laid awake in her bunk and the hours seemed like they would never pass.

She kisses Carina’s shoulder again.

When Carina wakes up, she smiles. Maya is there. Maya is holding her. Maya will help take her sadness away. “Bella.” She hums.

“Morning.” Maya cuddles impossibly closer.

Carina loves the closeness, but she wants to see Maya’s beautiful face and her sparkling blue eyes. She turns over and is met with a sight she didn’t expect. She sees red rimmed eyes and tear stains on Maya’s cheeks. “Were you crying?” She lifts a hand to Maya’s cheek.

It’s a rhetorical question.

Maya shrugs. She’s been trying to not overburden Carina, but she just couldn’t help it when the tears came, and they wouldn’t stop. She tried to remain quiet and thought she did a good job because her crying didn’t wake Carina until just now. She’s probably had the water works going for at least five minutes now.

Carina rubs her thumb over Maya’s cheek and nose, wiping away the wetness she finds there. She purses her lips and kisses Maya’s forehead. “Let it out.” She wants Maya to cry. She doesn’t want her wife holding in all of her feelings.

“I’m sorry.” Maya apologizes.

“Shhh.” Carina coos and pulls Maya’s face to her chest. She feels the tears wet her shirt and her own sniffles and tears start. Carina runs her hands through Maya’s hair and up and down her back. The grip that the firefighter has on her shirt and hip is tight. They cling to each other as the tears come out.

“I wanted- I wanted it to-  to work.” Maya stutters out.

“I know.”

“I wanted it so badly.” Maya was so certain it was going to work. She was so positive. Carina was super excited and super positive about it working too. Maybe they didn’t take this process seriously enough. Maybe they had been too naïve in thinking that it would be easy and work. It has been anything but easy and the disappointment is really hitting her now.

Carina takes Maya’s face in her hands. “I did too. I did too, bella.” She presses her lips to Maya’s.

They lie together for a while; the tears eventually subside. Maya keeps yawning and Carina tells her to close her eyes.

“Can you keep tickling my back?”

“Assolutamente.”

Once Maya is asleep, Carina gets up and gets her day started. She makes coffee and some breakfast as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake her sleeping wife. Carina takes her food and sits on the couch to eat. That’s not something they usually do but she just wants to cuddle up under a blanket and be as cozy as possible.

She saves some eggs for Maya for when she wakes up and it’s her day off so she doesn’t have to worry about work. Her whole focus is on what she can do to get over the sadness and disappointment she feels about their first try not working. Maya said they will figure out what to do next, but Carina isn’t sure what they should do next and with Jack missing they don’t have a donor.


She said she would call during lunch. Carina is just happy that she is able to. Sometimes lunch is delayed by emergencies, or it doesn’t come at all. Today isn’t one of those days and for that she is happy.

“I think I want to wait.” Carina tells Maya. It’s been a few days since the negative test and they both know their window to make any decisions is small. While there is still some hesitance to have a conversation it needs to happen. The sadness and disappointment has faded but only slightly.

“I want us to try again but I don’t want to do it right away - this month.” She’s still holding out hope that Jack will return. There’s still no word from the man. But Carina has come around to the idea of finding a different donor. So much has changed since they asked Jack to be the donor that she’s not sure it’s the right course of action anymore. Even without the fact that he has disappeared.

Maya takes a deep breath. “Okay. Should we start looking at our options though?”

Carina nods. “I would like to.”

“Okay. Tonight. When you get home from work. We can sit down and discuss.” Maya sets the plan into motion.

“Thank you, bella.”

Maya hums. “You don’t need to thank me.”

“But I do. And I am.” Carina smiles softly.

Their phone call carries on as Maya folds laundry and Carina is on her lunch break. Maya tries to pay attention to the story her wife tells of a little boy and his mom. The constant worry in her head is hard to drown out though.

There is a little relief in Maya because Andy is returning to the station tomorrow. Her friend will have her back. At least, that’s what Maya’s hopes. She and Andy haven’t always gotten along but Maya always thought that happened with the closest of friends. She’s never had a friend like Andy so she’s not sure if that how it’s supposed to go or not. Regardless, Andy is someone who she thinks would stick up for her against Ross and Sullivan.

She’s found herself in a pissing match with Sullivan now. He keeps glaring at her and trying to one up her at every little thing. Whether it’s the speed with which they roll hoses, how many miles they run on the treadmill, or how much time they spend in the gym. Everything has turned into a competition with him.

If that’s how he is going to handle the threat than Maya can’t do anything about it. But she doesn’t back down from a challenge either. She will go head to head with him.

It’s Ross that she’s more concerned about. The chief has been by the station only once since Maya threatened to expose her and Sullivan. There hasn’t been any punishment or scolding, warnings, or otherwise from the chief. That’s what worries Maya the most.

She’s hoping now that it will just blow over. That they can all forget it happened. No harm, no foul.

“I love you, bella.” Carina’s words penetrate her brain.

“Love you, Carina.” Maya sighs. “I cant wait to see you.” Her words are authentic, but she knows she doesn’t sound authentic. Carina has questioned her more than once if she’s okay in recent days. And every time she lies and says she’s fine.

She knows stress isn’t good for making a baby so she tries everything she can to keep Carina as stress free as possible. So, what if she herself is stressed out. As long as Carina isn’t.

Carina hangs up with her wife and sighs. She knows Maya isn’t okay, but the blonde is trying to be strong about it. Carina sees the emotion that Maya is holding onto about not getting pregnant the first time. She knows it’s taking a toll on Maya. Carina also knows that things are hard at work for Maya with Jack being gone and Andy coming back. There is a lot going on and they really need something good to happen.

Jo knocks on her door and summons her for a case. Carina sighs heavily and pockets her phone in her lab coat.


“Hey, Bishop.” Andy nods.

Maya nods at Andy. “How are you doing? How’s your first day back?”

“Fine.” Andy folds her arms over her chest. “What’s up with you and Sullivan?” She’s seen Sullivan glare and narrowing his eyes at Maya whenever they are in the same vicinity. It’s evident that there’s something going on there.

“Nothing.” Maya’s eyes find the floor. She knows if she looks at Andy, she’ll know for sure something is up. “We’re fine. I’m just trying to focus on myself. He can do whatever he wants. My concerns are work and Carina.”

“What’s wrong with Carina?” There’s worry in Andy’s voice. She knows about what Maya and Carina and Jack are up to. She senses that’s what Maya is alluding to.

“Nothing.” She glances over at Andy.

“Then why did you say that?” She can tell that Maya is lying.

“She’s my wife. I should always be thinking about her. Why are you interrogating me?” Maya walks away from the conversation, but she can hear Andy following her. She shouldn’t have to defend her decisions to Andy. “Worry about Jack or something. Aren’t we supposed to be finding him?” Not that Maya has done anything about finding Jack in recent days. There are no leads, no sight of him, so there isn’t really anything to go on other than checking the spots he usually hangs out at and those haven’t turned up anything.

Andy sighs. She feels totally guilty for taking his spot at 19. But he quit and a spot was open. She wasn’t exactly in a position to turn the job down. “I am. We are. Look-“ She grabs Maya’s arm and stops her. “I know about him and Carina and you.”

Maya’s eyes widen in horror. No one is supposed to know about that. It was a secret. She didn’t tell Andy and she knows Carina didn’t tell Andy. That only leaves one person. Maya clenches her jaw, furious that Jack went and blabbed to Andy about what they were trying to do. Her hands ball up into fists.

Andy sees Maya’s nostrils flare in anger and knows she needs to diffuse the situation. “He didn’t say anything. Initially. When we went to find his siblings, he had like sperm snacks in his truck. I saw them and asked.” Andy shakes her head and looks down. “They were literally labeled sperm snacks.”

Maya closes her eyes. It’s so like Jack to find out what kind of foods to eat to make his sperm more potent. And also very much like him to do something dumb like label the snacks for any and all to see. What, was he going to forget what those snacks were for? She shakes her head and sighs in disappointment.

It’s all a big shit show now.

Andy leans in and whispers to Maya. “Is that why you are worried about Carina? Is she- ya know- with child?”

She whips her head up; with wild eyes she stares at Andy. “Dear lord, don’t say it like that. What’s wrong with you? Be normal.” Maya pulls her arm out of Andy’s grip. “And no. She’s not.” She looks down at the floor as disappointment floods her system again. “It didn’t work. So no.” Her last words are whispered.

“Ohh, I’m sorry, Maya.” Andy pouts. It’s not what she wants to hear. She had no clue that Maya and Carina were on a journey of this sort but is sad to hear that their attempt at a baby didn’t work. She wants to ask questions, like, if they are going to try again but Maya cuts her off.

“Whatever.” Maya scoffs and squares her shoulders. Even though she is disappointed about the outcome of their first time, Maya needs to remain strong and not let anyone see her disappointment.

“I suppose with him gone that leave you guys in limbo.” Andy ponders the situation aloud.

Maya rolls her eyes. Luckily, her back in turned to Andy now. The Latina just had to say something, didn’t she. Maya knows it’s out of nosiness more than anything.

Andy is one of those people that needs to know everyone’s business. No matter what it is. She thinks it makes her a good leader. But there is a difference between knowing people’s business and using it to help them versus needing to just know and stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.

“I don’t want to talk about this. I have work to do. I’m trying to keep my head down. I know you don’t know because you’ve been gone but I was demoted and I’m on a short leash with the department. I’m trying to keep my head down and just focus on work.” Maya tries to remain as neutral as possible with her words, even if there is a little bite to them. She doesn’t want them twisted or misconstrued. She just needs to remind Andy of the facts and where she stands.

Andy is stung a little by Maya’s words. While they aren’t untrue, Maya doesn’t need to be so callus about it.

She looks over her shoulder and lowers her voice so only Andy can hear. “And don’t tell anyone about Jack and Carina.”

She doesn’t think Andy would be dumb enough to do that, but Maya can’t be too carefully. Especially now that she knows about Jack carrying around a bag of snacks labeled sperm snacks. She can’t let news spread that part of the reason Jack up and disappeared involves her. It’s a double edged sword. If they hadn’t asked him to be the donor, he would have never found out that he has siblings. Ultimately, he wouldn’t have ran off if they never asked him to be the donor.

Andy wrinkles up her nose at the way Maya said that. “And you.”

“Yeah, sure.” She waves Andy off and goes back to organizing the turn out room.

The Latina stands there and stares at Maya. There is something very off with her. Andy can see that Maya is under a lot of stress, so she doesn’t harp on the matter further. “Do you want to go out for drinks sometime?”

“Sure. I’ll talk to Carina about it.”

“No. Just you and me, Bishop.” Andy folds her arms across her chest and waits for an answer.

“Oh.” Maya frowns. She would want Carina to be there as a buffer. Carina is light and wonderful and funny. Maya doesn’t feel like she has the energy to be any of those things right now. She knows for certain that if it’s just her and Andy she won’t be the greatest of company. “Yeah. Okay.” She agrees anyway.

Andy goes off to find her ex-husband. She finds him making a sandwich. “Are you still always eating?”

“I have a large frame. I need to properly fuel my body. I have to eat between meals.” Sullivan informs the woman matter-of-factly.

Andy leans against the counter next to where Robert is making his sandwich. “What’s up with you and Bishop?” She didn’t get much out of Maya, now it’s Robert’s turn.

“Nothing.”

Andy rolls her eyes.

In Sullivan’s mind, it’s better that Andy is asking about Bishop instead of Natasha.

“That’s what she said too. I don’t believe it. I can see and feel the tense between you two.” Andy narrows her eyes at him. There is something going on.

Robert shrugs. “I don’t know what you are talking about. Bishop and I are fine. It’s not a secret that we aren’t friends. We are co-workers and that is it.” He takes a bite of his sandwich hoping that Andy doesn’t ask anymore questions. He raises an eyebrow at her almost challenging her to say something else.

Andy scowls. She still doesn’t buy it. She is reminded again just how impossible her ex can be. Andy does wonder briefly if she’s the one picking infuriating friends and family. Maya is not to dissimilar to Robert. Both are strongminded, stubborn, stuck in their ways.

She decides to ask about him or how his life is going. He was there to support her with the assault, arrest, and investigation. She can return some kindness to him.


Maya keeps a close eye on Sullivan. And he knows she’s keeping a close eye on him. The blackmail is starting to eat away at her. She doesn’t dare tell Carina about it. She doesn’t need her wife even more disappointed in her than she already is. That would be worse than it is now. Maya can only hope that it will blow over and she can get away with it. So far Ross hasn’t punished her and Sullivan hasn’t said anything either. She wonders if they have a pact. It’s not like they can really say anything to anyone without incriminating themselves. So that is in her favor.

She tries to gather evidence on them but with Ross and Sullivan now in the know they are being extra careful. Maya can’t even get close to Sullivan without him glaring at her to step away. If she could see his phone. See a text or catch him on a call with the chief then she would have something to go on. But many weeks pass, and Maya fails to gather anything.

It’s just another thing that she’s failed at.

Maya thinks about that as she eats a bowl of cereal at the table in the beanery. As someone who’s entire life has believed and been told that her worth is in her accomplishments it’s another blow to her psyche. She’s failed at another thing. She can’t get any information to file a claim against Ross and Sullivan.


They ended up skipping the next window and used that time to select a donor from a sperm bank. Jack is still gone and they have to move on if they want another shot at a baby.

The sample comes in a tank with liquid nitrogen to keep it cold.

“This is neat.” Maya opens the package. She is interested in the shipping and delivery process and wonders where this sperm came from and how long it’s been in transit. They had opted for a donor with blue eyes and blonde hair after much back and forth about the choice. It’s not someone they know and that takes some of the pressure off of the whole process.

Maya had told Carina that she felt pressure with it being Jack. Like he needed to be perfect, and he wasn’t. And then he left so that pressure was even more intense. If it had worked there would have been no pressure but since it didn’t there ended up being a ton of pressure. Unwanted and not easily dismissed.

Carina understood but was sad that it wasn’t going to be someone they knew. Their options were limited but she liked the idea of knowing the person, knowing their personality. A donor from a sperm bank is just words on a screen. There is no hint at what that person is like or their personality.

With agreeing on blonde hair and blue eye it meant that there was a chance that their baby could possibly have something in common with Maya as far as physical traits. Carina didn’t care too much about that in the end. Now that they know the disappointment of the insemination not working it didn’t seem to matter as much about the details. They want to have a baby. They aren’t as concerned about things like hair color, eye color, height. A healthy baby is the goal no matter what they might look like. Carina and Maya are in agreement on that.

“You are goofy.” Carina rubs her hand over Maya’s back as she watches Maya unpackage their sperm. It’s such an odd phrase to think about. Their sperm.

The choice was something that both Carina and Maya agreed upon. Now that they weren’t as picky about the selection it went smoother. They each sat down and selected five donors that they liked and then compared notes. Funnily enough, two of their choices were the same so it was just picking between those two choices after that.

Maya picks up the vessel that holds the sperm and holds it above her head. “Ta da.”

Carina giggles and it’s one of the only genuine moments of lightness she’s had recently. Things have been good for her at work but with sorting out the sperm it’s been a little more serious than she would like.

“The white creamy goodness.” Maya continues hoping to get more laughter from her wife. It is one of the greatest sounds on the planet.

“Stop.” She leans into Maya’s shoulder.

Maya feels good today. A rare day for her recently. She’s excited about their sperm. It means that they are back on track with the baby making. She won’t admit it, but it will be good to do this with her wife and no one else present. That whole awkwardness with Jack in the next room is gone now. This feels right, now.

They are still a few days out from Carina’s ovulation period, so they have to keep the specimen on ice until then.

“Let’s put this away.” Carina takes the sperm from Maya. The blonde has the audacity to pout about it. “No pouting.” She kisses Maya’s cheek before she steps away from the blonde.

“We should go out.” Maya doesn’t want to spend the rest of the day in the apartment.

“Maya, it’s raining.” Carina doesn’t want to be damp and chilly all day.

“Well, I don’t want to, like, stand out in the rain. We can go somewhere. Out for a meal. To the movies. I don’t know. Somewhere that’s not here.” She shrugs in disappointment that Carina seems to not like the idea.

“Well, as long as we aren’t outside.” Carina deposits the sperm and comes back to her wife’s side. She takes Maya’s hand in her own. Lifting it to her lips, she presses a kiss to her palm. “Where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go to the Space Needle.” Maya gives a timid smile. She’s not sure if Carina will like that idea either.

Carina tips her head to the side, questioning Maya.

“It’s rainy. Not a lot of people are going to be there because of that.” She shrugs. “It could be cool in the rain. What if we go later in the day when the sun sets.” If there’s one thing Carina loves about nature, it’s sunsets.

Carina grins. “I like that idea.” It sounds perfectly romantic for them. A simple and casual date. “We can get dinner afterwards.”

Maya nods, proudly.

“It’s a date.” Carina winks. “I’m going to go change.”

“You don’t have to.” Maya catches Carina’s hip. “You are perfect like this.”

Carina smiles softly at the affection in Maya’s voice. It’s been sorely missed recently. It has felt like they have just gone from one day to the next. Regular life happening in and around them but neither one of them paying any attention to it. It’s like everything swirls around them and they are inside this tiny tiny bubble of anxiety and pressure. Nothing is really happening though. Get up, go to work, come home, repeat.

“Let me.” Carina whispers and kisses Maya.

Maya nods in understanding. Carina wants to dress up a little. She wants to make it special, not just another day. “Go.” She smacks Carina on the ass.

Carina scampers into the bedroom and wonders if she’s going to get lucky tonight. Her wife is in a good mood for what feels like the first time in weeks. She knows that Maya is stressed about work still and she’s tried to be supportive, but she’s seen the looks of disgust and disdain shared between her wife and Sullivan.

Carina, also, can’t get the exchange between Maya and the chief, on the day she got her green card, out of her mind either. That’s not a stress that Carina wishes anyone were under. She does wonder if anything is ever going to happen about Ross and Sullivan. Maya has been adamant that they are sleeping together. Carina knows there are rules against that. Is anyone going to find out about them being together? Is Maya going to be holding onto this secret alone and for how long? Carina has thought about asking Maya to report them, but she also knows that if she does it could threaten her wife’s career with SFD. And that’s not something Carina is willing to ask Maya to do.

She changes into a tight pair of high waisted jeans and a black high cut blouse. One that buttons down the front so if she does end up getting it on with Maya later, they don’t have to worry about trying to get the tight collar over her head.  Carina is thinking ahead. She brushes her hair and adds a little volumizer and fluffs it up a bit. It’s not so much to look good for her wife, though that is part of it. Carina feels good when she looks good. An outfit can boost her mood and confidence.

“I’m ready.” She emerges from the bathroom.

Maya is sitting on the couch flipping through the channels on the television. She’s not really looking for any show to watch or anything in particular. It’s just something to occupy the time. Maya hops to her feet.

“You’re so beautiful.” She holds her arms out at her side and waits for Carina to approach her before wrapping her up in a tight embrace. “My sexy Italian doctor.”

Carian giggles. “You are really hitting with the lines today.” She teases.

A shrug comes from Maya’s shoulders. “What can I say? You deserve all the praise and compliments in the world. I feel like I get in slumps where I don’t appreciate you enough.” She diverts her eyes in shame.

“You do, bella.” Carina hates that Maya doubts herself. She doesn’t need to be told constantly that she looks nice or that her outfit is amazing. She knows Maya appreciates and loves her. Even if Maya doesn’t use words all the time, she uses actions to tell Carina. A touch, a kiss, a look can mean so much.

Maya asks to drive Carina’s Porsche. Carina grins and hands over the keys. “Take care of my baby.”

“Sempre.” Maya smiles and jiggles the keys.

They fight afternoon traffic, but Maya remains calm behind the wheel. Carina has her hand on the back of Maya’s neck. That might have something to do with how calm Maya is. It also helps that she literally drives a fire truck through traffic on a regular basis. Driving a passenger vehicle is small potatoes compared to that chaos.

She finds a parking spot and Carina squeezes her neck telling her that she did a good job. Maya smiles over at the brunette. “Ready?”

Carina licks her lips and nods.

Hands meet at the front of the vehicle, locking together for the walk to the base of the building.

The journey to the top is quiet and peaceful. They step out of the elevator onto the glass platform and Carina gasps. She was here with Andrea once and thought that the memory would hurt when she came back but it doesn’t. Her hand is safe in Maya’s as she looks around the area.

“It’s pretty special.” Maya sighs.

“You are pretty special.”

Maya looks over at her wife at her words. “What-“

Carina shrugs. “I came here with Andrea once.”

“You did?” Maya didn’t know that. She knew that Carina didn’t want to do typical touristy things but hadn’t known that her wife was here before. “So is this- not good?” She worries she’s made a mistake in suggesting this. That the reason Carina was hesitant to go out was because of painful memories of her brother. But that was before she suggested the Space Needle and Carina had agreed.

Carina shakes her head. She leans into Maya’s, setting her free hand on the top of her shoulder. “This is good. So good.” She remembers her trip with her brother here, how excited he was, and how he wanted to take dumb pictures together. Now Carina is happy to have those memories and those dumb pictures.

“Vieni.” Maya whispers so only Carina hear her and they walk over to the glass window. “Look.” She points out to a small boat moving across the water.

The boat looks so small. It’s so far away it looks like a toy.

“It’s like a tiny speck but is probably like twenty-four feet long or something.” Maya hums. “There’s a big one.” She points to the right at a bigger boat along the size of a cargo ship.

Carina smiles fondly at Maya’s commentary. It’s cute. She’d listen to anything says. Doesn’t matter what it is. She presses a kiss to Maya’s cheek. She likes that Maya enjoys this. She likes that she can add this memory to the one she has of being here with Andrea. She likes that Maya isn’t asking about that day and is just trying to make this a good memory too.

Maya freezes and looks over. “What was that for?”

Carina shrugs. “You’re cute. Talking about boats and shit.” She knows Maya is doing it so she doesn’t linger on sad thoughts of Andrea or on missing him.

Maya smiles under Carina’s intense gaze. She looks back out over the water. “There’s another one.” She points.

The go around the whole observation deck pointing out things to each other. Maya switches from holding Carna’s hand to wrap her arm around her waist.

Dinner is at a restaurant nearby.

“Should we go to a movie?” Maya suggests. She’s not really in the mood for a movie but she also doesn’t want to go home yet.

“How about a walk, if it’s not raining.” Carina would like a nice walk but, again, doesn’t want to be damn and cold. They have to check the weather when they are finished with dinner.

The blonde nods her approval of the plan. She will do whatever Carina wants. Within reason, of course.

They fall into bed an hour later. No walk was had since it was drizzling.

Maya takes her time unbuttoning each of the buttons on Carina’s shirt. Her lips latch to the exposed skin. Her fingers work on the button on Carina’s jeans as her lips place wet kisses to her chest. Once the button is loose, Maya’s straddles Carina’s lap. She rolls her hips against the brunette. The friction feels good. She pops a breast from the cup of Carina’s bra and bends to suck at the nipple.

Carina’s right hand finds the back of Maya’s head. “Cazzo.” She whispers as her eyes close, and she tips her head back. Maya’s mouth works miracles against her nipple. Sucking, licking, even biting and it has her panties drenched in a minute. “Maya. Maya. Maya.”

The blonde looks up. “Cosa?” She smirks with a shit-eating grin.

Carina looks down at her wife. She’s at a loss for words though.

Maya sees this and grinds into Carina’s lap. The Italian spreads her legs wider in anticipation. Maya continues to tease though. She plasters her palms to the bedspread on either side of Carina’s arms and slips her leg between Carina’s. She grinds against Carina again, this getting a long low moan out of the doctor.

“Maya.” Carina pants heavily. “Take my-“

“NO.” She grinds her pelvis into Carina’s again.

Brown eyes widen. But only for a brief second. Clearly, Maya is taking charge here. She always enjoys when Maya takes complete control. That is the case now. She can tell by the look in Maya’s eyes. She’s not messing around. Carina reaches down and grabs Maya’s ass, encouraging her wife further, pulling her against herself.

Maya smiles. A genuine happy smile. One that seems out of place in this scenario. She lowers her upper body and kisses Carina sloppily. She rubs her entire body, rolling and gesticulating against her. Maya groans as her arousal gets to her. This is supposed to be about topping Carina, making her come in her pants, having that control.

They share another kiss. Carina tips her head away from Maya’s though. She’s gasping for air, embarrassingly aroused and on the verge of orgasming with her jeans and underwear on. She’s totally under Maya’s spell. She bites at her lips and wiggles her hips back against Maya, trying her best to roll against her wife in the same way that Maya is rubbing against her. It’s sloppy and hurried and uncoordinated.

Some might call what they are doing dry humping. But there’s nothing dry about it.

But it gets the job done.

Carina’s gasps and moans become more frequent and high pitched. Maya puts it into high gear so that Carina is coming underneath her.

“Just-“ Maya grunts. “Right there.” She focuses on one spot, making tight little movements.

The Italian pulls Maya against her as she grinds, the friction between them enough to get Maya to that glorious high.

Maya wraps her arms around Carina’s shoulders and with a groan is in perfect bliss.

After a few moments, Maya scoots down and finally pulls Carina’s jeans off. She gets to her panties next, pulling them down long, long legs. She looks at the mess that Carina left between her legs and on her underwear. The blonde raises to her knees and holds the garment up to Carina’s face.

Blown brown eyes flicker to Maya’s blues. A question passes between them. Maya licks her lips and that’s Carina’s cue. She licks at her own arousal on the material.

“Fuck.” Maya groans at the sight.

Carina sets her underwear aside and sits up. Shimmying out of her shirt and bra, she stares Maya down. Blue eyes watch her every move with rapt attention. She tips Maya’s chin up and into a kiss once she is sans clothes. “You’re turn, bella.”

Maya shakes her head like she was in a trance, taking a moment to comprehend what Carina is saying. The allure and beauty of her wife is something that will forever cause Maya to be mystified.

Hooking a finger in Maya’s t-shirt, Carina gives it a tug. “Let me see you.” Her voice is low and sultry.

Maya gulps and nods.

“I’ll help.” Carina finds it cute that Maya has totally flipped after their orgasms. She’s like putty in her hands now. Soft and sweet and completely and totally lovable. Carina grips at the bottom of Maya’s shirt. “Arms up.” She lifts Maya’s shirt and Maya lifts her arm above her head. The shirt is thrown on the floor. Carina’s fingertips graze over Maya’s stomach before they finds her hip. She leans in and Maya meets her halfway for a kiss. Slow and sensual. Carina threads her fingers in Maya’s hair, tipping her head to the side and deepening the kiss.

“Wait.” Maya pulls back.

Carina raises an eyebrow as Maya gets off the bed and hurriedly pulls her jeans down her legs followed by her underwear. She hisses as the cool air hits her heated, sticky, sensitive core. A string of arousal dangles from Maya to the underwear as she pulls them away from her body.

Carina’s mouth waters and she licks her lips. “You’re so hot.”

The words surprise Maya and she looks up and over at her wife. She smirks at the hungry look on Carina’s face.

Carina reaches out her hand in wanting.

Maya comes back to the bed and kneels by Carina’s hip. Carina reaches for the clasp on Maya’s bra and unhooks it, setting the blonde’s chest free. Maya sighs and closes her eyes. Carina leans down and presses a kiss to Maya’s collarbone. A hand finds her side, fingers tracing over ribs before reaching inward for a handful of breast. Maya inhales rapidly at the touch. The touch is soft. A hand holding the weight of breast, but a thumb stroke over a hardened nipple. “Carina?” Maya gasps.

“Lie down, bella.” Carina instructs softly. Maya moves and Carina reaches for her nightstand drawer. She gets what she’s looking for before sitting softly over one of Maya’s thighs. They both hum as Carina creates a wet spot on Maya’s right leg.

Maya’s eyes follow the vibrating toy in Carina’s hand. She watches as Carina brings the toy to her stomach, holding the tip to her skin. She sucks her stomach in. “That tickles.”

Carina giggles devilishly. “Okay.” She moves the device to her own stomach. If Maya doesn’t want to enjoy it, she will.

Maya watches in awe. She reaches out and puts her hand over Carina’s. They move the vibrator lower. Over Carina’s pelvic bones, lower yet. She shifts her eyes up, watching Carina’s face as the device moves lower. She sees Carina shiver as they hit that one spot.

The doctor moves the device away because of too much intensity and sensitivity. “Okay. No.” She sets the vibrator aside.

Maya smirks. “Too much for you to handle.”

“Si.” Carina shuffles so she can lay on top of Maya. “You got me too worked up. And with the rubbing and friction of the clothes. I need to come back down some.” She takes Maya’s hair, twirling it between her fingers. “We need a cuddle break.”

“I’m good with that.” The blonde wraps her arms around Carina. She’s just happy that this wasn’t a disaster like last time. Maya is able to bast in the glow of their orgasms right now. Thoughts of Carina and a possible baby on the horizon. “When you are ready- uh- when you are ovulating, I want us to do this.”

“Cuddle?”

Maya contemplates the ideas in her head, putting them in order before saying them. “No. Well, yes. But, like, when we are making the baby. I want it to feel as organic as possible.”

Carina nods. “Got it, bella. Sex and orgasms and cuddles il mia koala.”

Maya blushes. “Did you just call me a koala bear?”

“My koala.” Carina kisses the corner of Maya’s mouth. “Cuddly in the best ways.”

“Not clingy?” Maya still worries that her physical need to hug, hold, and cuddle Carina is too much or will be looked down upon. It’s still so crazy to her that there is so much physical affection between them. She grew up in the household where they didn’t hug. The most physical touch she got as a kid was a hand on the shoulder with a squeeze. There were only a couple of times that there were hugs. Mostly as a result of her winning something.

“Never. I love your need to be close.” Carina tucks her hands between Maya’s back and the mattress.

There’s a voice in Maya’s head, even now, that says she’s weak for needing physical touch and comfort like that. That she shouldn’t need to be held to feel good and that it shouldn’t make her feel good. But it does and she can’t deny it. She can’t deny Carina.


Her day with Carina yesterday was like a day of clarity. A respite from the ever present drama at Maya’s workplace.

But today things are back to how they were. Back to that workplace that is rife with tension and an underlying current that brings stress and unease to Maya’s body.

This place used to be her sanctuary. It was the place she came to when things outside of work were getting to her. She would lift weights or run on the treadmill or get some punches in on the punching bag. If her time wasn’t spent in the gym, she would be taking inventory or restacking supplies or even working on the trucks. Maintenance is a big part of a smoothly operated rig, and Maya prides herself in her work, even truck maintenance.

Ross and Sullivan have completely frozen Maya out at work. Ross goes out of her way to not speak to Maya the few times she’s stopped by the station.

The others have noticed. They notice when Natasha’s shows up and speaks with and greets everyone but Maya. They notice when Maya acts like the perfect firefighter when the chief is around. Standing as straight and rigid as she can at attention. Not speaking out of turn. Since, Ross doesn’t address Maya, it means she never says anything. They notice how Maya works extra hard and diligently when Ross is around, like she’s trying to impress.

Most, chock it up to Maya working to get her captain spot back and trying to show Ross that she’s dedicated. What none of them know is that it’s far more complicated than that. What they don’t know is how Ross told Maya that she won’t be getting her spot back. What they don’t know is that she told Maya that she was a bad firefighter who couldn’t follow orders from the people above her. What they really don’t know is that Maya in a moment of panic and desperation threatened the chief with blackmailing her into getting her captain’s job back.

And it’s not just with Chief Ross. There’s something going on with Maya and Sullivan too. In the gym, but that’s kind of always been a competition between the two. It appears to be ramped up now though. There’s also the little things that Sullivan asks Maya to do. Whether it be checking if the saw has gas in it or sweeping the floors when they had already been swept that day. And, for whatever reason, Maya always does what she’s asked by him. She never argues or complains that she is receiving extra little tasks to do when no one else is.

The blonde silently stews about it though. She can’t say anything because Ross and Sullivan can then tell the entire department that she blackmailed them. As the saying goes, she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Though Maya is not sure how they would go about that without incriminating themselves for having an inappropriate affair. But Maya is sure they could get away with it somehow. She’s just going to have to go along with it. She’s the one who put herself in this position and Maya is really starting to regret ever threatening them. She regretted it the day it happened. But that was mostly for stooping to that level, being egged on to go toe to toe with them. She regretted that she had come to that, was pushed to the decision. It felt forced upon her, though, like she didn’t have a choice. Like a cat back into a corner she lashed out. It had been building in her for weeks and it just came out that day. She regretted and regrets that it put her in the even more stuck position that she’s in now.

But what’s done is down and Maya can’t take it back. She has had regret and guilty and embarrassment about it since that day. She has to live with it and she’s angry that there’s nothing she can go, nowhere she can turn. She feels so stifled and so stuck like she’s running on a hamster wheel that she can’t find the way off of.

Chapter 75

Notes:

Hello, all. here is another installment. This chapter goes over attempts two and three and a few other events. There is a NSFW section towards the end. Enjoy!
Thanks for following along.

Chapter Text

They talked about how they wanted to do this the second time around. There is no third person so that takes a lot of the pressure off. Maya wants to sort of ease into it and Carina wants to just do it. So, they have different mindsets with that. But no matter how it happens, it’s happening today.

“You get comfortable.” Maya suggests and heads to the bathroom for a couple of towels.

Carina smiles at her wife as she leaves the room. Maya is being so sweet and caring. She keeps bringing up extra little things that they can do to make it special. Lavender in the diffuser. Warm towels fresh out of the dryer to prop her hips up with afterwards. Candles to set the mood.

Much like the first time, they want to make it seem as normal as possible. So that includes kisses, undressing, touching, love making.

All minus Jack this time.

Maya has tempered her hope and optimism slightly for this attempt. She thinks she was probably too optimistic about the first attempt. There was something in her that said they would just have Jack over and get it done with and Carina would be pregnant. Then, they could move on from there. But that wasn’t what happened.

She wants to be optimistic that it will work this time but understands now that it isn’t so easy. The naivety of the experience has worn off and the reality has set in. They could be in for a long journey.

Carina moans into the kiss. “Maya.” She needs to make sure that Maya doesn’t get too carried away. They have a goal in mind here today and that isn’t just orgasms. “Maya. Maya.” She pants. “Get the stuff.”

Maya smirks. “The stuff?”

Carina rolls her eyes. “The donor sperm.”

The blonde wiggles a finger at her doctor wife. “You are a doctor.” She teases at Carina not using technical terms.

“Not right now, I’m not.” She doesn’t have time to argue with her wife about semantics.

Maya reaches over and gets the specimen and syringe.

Carina watches as Maya wrinkles up her brow in concentration as she sucks up the sperm into the syringe, somehow making that task look sexy.

The blonde holds the syringe up and flicks it with her middle finger. “Okay, little buddies.” Maya talks to the syringe full of sperm. “Go do your job. Get mamma pregnant.”

Carina’s ovaries just about burst at the sight of her wife and the things she is saying. Maya has on a sports bra and a pair of sweatpants. For whatever reason, Carina finds that to be one of the sexiest outfits Maya has ever worn. Maybe it’s all the hormones. Add in the way Maya talks to the sperm. Purely magical.

She gets down between Carina’s legs, syringe in hand. “Ready, my love.” Maya finds brown eyes staring at her in amazement. “What?”

Carina smiles and shakes her head. “You are something.” She sits up, hand finding the back of Maya’s neck and pulls her into an intense kiss.

Maya sets the syringe down and slides her hands over Carina’s bare thighs.

“Make me come first.” Carina whispers. That way she will be her most relaxed and hopes that the ‘little buddies’ will find their way to where they need to go.

She nods and kisses across Carina’s jaw, along her neck, over her chest. Stopping to give a little extra attention to each nipple, knowing that will get Carina squirming for more. She knows that’s what gets Carina going the easiest- a little nipple play. It always has her whining and moaning and begging for more.

Two fingers slip inside Carina and her hips cant up to meet them. Maya starts a slow steady rhythm inside her. They move together, working to achieve that perfect bliss. Carina pulls Maya’s head up next to her own, holding her against her cheek.

“That’s it, babe.” The blonde whispers.

Carina grunts. “More.”

More usually means more fingers or add her thumb to the mix. Maya does the latter. She rubs over Carina clit and that’s all she needs to fall over the edge.

“Ahhh, fuck.” Carina pants, her grip on Maya’s neck slipping. That allows Maya to tip her head to the side and press a quick kiss to Carina’s cheek and then watch as her wife beautifully and effortlessly falls apart.

She’s so caught up in gazing at Carina that she forgets the mission.

“Maya!”

Carina hasn’t forgotten though. Her stern voice snaps Maya out of it. “Right. Sorry.” She gets back between Carina’s legs. The sight of glistening moisture greets her. Maya wants to lean in and lick the skin clean, but she restrains herself. Syringe in hand, Maya inserts the end. Watching for any sign of discomfort from Carina, she goes slow as she pushes the syringe extension further in.

“I’m gonna do it.” She whispers and looks up to find Carina watching her.

Carina eyes don’t leave Maya’s face. She nods, holding eye contact. She feels the moment the sperm exits the syringe. “Ahhhh!”

“What?” Maya pauses.

“It’s just- cold.”

Even though the sperm was thawed, it’s not like it would be if it came directly from the source.

“Cool. Cool. It’s cool.” Carina corrects and relaxes again. She doesn’t have a problem with the temperature, it was just a small shock to her system.

Maya hums and presses the plunger down all the way, making sure every last drop is out. She throws the syringe aside once it’s emptied. The towels that she got before are folded and stacked under Carina’s hips before Maya lays at her side.

Carina strokes her fingers over Maya’s cheek and says a little prayer that her wife just got her pregnant. “What about you?” She whispers.

Maya shakes her head. “I’m good.” She doesn’t want Carina moving and jostling any sperms loose. She wants them to stay in place for as long as possible even though there is an ache between her legs, and the pair of briefs that she is wearing are sticking to her. But that doesn’t matter right now. “I just want to lay and cuddle.”

Carina nods, holding her arm out for Maya to cuddle into her side. “Mia koala.”

Maya rubs her nose against Carina’s shoulder and cuddles closer. “Shut up.” She whispers and wraps her arm over Carina’s waist.


Two weeks and two days have passed and it’s time to take a pregnancy test. They waited for the two weeks and then an additional two days so they were both not working to do the test together.

Maya is quiet that morning, reserved. She’s dreading taking the test. After last time, she doesn’t want a negative result. She doesn’t want to have to go through that again. She doesn’t want Carina to have to go through that again. Moreover, she doesn’t want to see Carina sad and disappointed again. That feeling like she’s letting Carina down would be another burden that she doesn’t want to carry but will, if that’s the case.

Maya makes coffee and waffles and eggs and presents them to Carina in bed. She’s not sure why but lately she feels like she has to do things for Carina. And not because she just wants to or because she loves Carina. It stems from something else. Fear, mostly, probably. There are things that are looming over her that she doesn’t want Carina to know about. If she just keeps Carina happy then those things can remain unsaid. So she does things like make breakfast in bed.

There is fear about her position at the station. There is fear that Captain Ross is going to fire her. And then she fears Carina will find out why and leave her. What she’s done isn’t something to be proud of. Maya isn’t proud. She doesn’t want to lie to Carina either, but she can’t tell her. She knows Carina will be disappointed in her and that’s one of the reasons she regrets blackmailing the chief. One of many.

She would hope that Carina would have her back. Carina has had her back up until now. She stormed McCallister’s office with Maya. She’s agreed that Beckett is a dickhead. She’s even sided with Maya in regard to Sullivan and whatever games he’s playing and moves he’s making. But at the end of the day, Maya can’t know for sure how everything would play out if Carina were to find out. There is a little bug in her head that whispers to tell Carina now; that if she waits the repercussions will be worse.

There is also the complications that a possible baby brings to the situation. She’s not even sure if it’s right to keep trying to have a baby if, in the end, if this fiasco doesn’t blow over. It’s messed up, Maya knows, but she doesn’t know how to correct it.

It’s better to try to keep up appearances and keep Carina happy so she doesn’t suspect anything is going on and hopes that everything will blow over. Ross and Sullivan haven’t said or done anything yet, maybe they won’t.

She sits at the Italian’s hip. “Morning.” She presses a kiss to Carina’s lips. “Morning, my love.”

“Mmm. That smells good.” She heard Maya in the kitchen. She smelled the food, but Carina didn’t want to open her eyes or get out of bed just yet. Her chest is filled with trepidation about today. She’s anxious about the results. Last time she was devastated, and she doesn’t want that again. Carina knows what Maya is trying to do with this breakfast. She’s trying to make a good experience no matter the result of the test.

“I hope you enjoy it. I didn’t burn anything. I just hope the coffee is up to par.” Maya shrugs. “I want the morning to be good.”

They share hopeful smiles at that.

Carina also wants it to be good. They aren’t in any hurry to take the test, but it should be taken soon. “I’ll go do it.” The best time to take a pregnancy test is first thing in the morning and Carina knows this. “We can eat and then look at the result.”

Maya nods. She stays seated on the bed. That fear that consumes so much of her life now, takes over. Fear that it didn’t work. Fear that they have failed yet again. Fear that this isn’t going to happen - on this try or any that follow. She fears Carina becoming sad or resenting her. There is a lot of fear.

“Okay.” Carina comes back from the bathroom a minute later. “Let’s eat.” She wants to know the results, but she wants to wait also. There are mixed emotions about it. Right now, Carina is trying to avoid possible disappointment of a negative test by digging into her breakfast. “The coffee is good.”

Maya smiles. “Thanks.”

Their meals is had mostly in silence. Both of them in their heads about the test results that await them in the other room.

Maya gets up and takes the dirty dishes away. “I’ll be right back.”

Carina nods, biting her lip. She knows what’s next and her stomach starts to do flips. She wishes it means there’s a little one in there but deep down she knows it’s just nerves.

The blonde returns from the kitchen, holding her hand out for Carina, she helps her from the bed. They walk hand in hand to the bathroom, to the stick in the glass on the counter.

“Do you want to look or should I?”

“You.”

Maya releases Carina’s hand but not before giving a squeeze. She goes to lift the pee stick but stops. “Wait.” She turns to Carina. “No matter what- I love you and you’ve done amazingly with all this.” She sighs. Her words don’t feel like they are enough.

“Ti amo, Maya.” She puts her hand on Maya’s shoulder and leans into her.

Maya takes that as her cue to check the test. She lifts it from the glass and holds it so she and Carina can both see at the same time. Except, Maya doesn’t look at the test. She turns her head to find Carina’s wonderful face, to look for her reaction. The anxious smile that it is there falls, and Maya knows that the test is negative. She doesn’t even have to look at the test to confirm. She wraps Carina up in her arms and presses a kiss to her temple. “I’m sorry, my love.” She sighs heavily with disappointment.

Carina hangs on Maya as her eyes fill with tears. “Why?” She whimpers.

“I don’t know.” Maya rubs her left hand up and down Carina’s back. “I don’t know, babe.” She’s starting to think this is her punishment. She went and blackmailed the chief and this is the punishment. This is the universe punishing her. Not the fire department or the chief or the captain. This is the bad karma that has been coming to her and it’s not fair that Carina has to endure that wrath as well.

“We will try again.” As much as it pains Maya, she’s determined to keep trying. She’s not a quitter and she doesn’t want Carina to be either. “I love you.” She pulls back to get a look at Carina’s face. “I love you.”

Carina nods and her tears start to fall.

Maya reaches up and wipes any tears away with her thumbs.

“Thank you.” The Italian croaks out.

Maya shakes her head lightly. Carina doesn’t need to thank her for this. She will care for Carina however Carina needs. “You are so wonderful. I’m sorry it didn’t work.” She keeps her voice low.

Carina frowns and sniffles. “I’m sorry too.” She wants nothing more than for she and Maya to have a baby, have a family, have someone other than themselves. She wants to be a mother. She wants Maya to be a mother. She wants them to raise babies together. She aches for it so badly and it just isn’t happening. Carina knows it’s only been two tries, but she naively thought they would be pregnant by now.


For Carina, the disappointment is worse than the first time. Somehow. Even though she prepared herself this time for a possible negative test. It wasn’t as shockingly disappointing this time, but it feels like that disappointment has settled further within her. It has penetrated her brain, and her heart, lungs. All her organs. She can feel it in her bones. It makes her weary. It’s a deep seeded disappointment Carina has never felt before.

It’s an awful feeling.

It’s the day following the second negative test and Carina is going about her day seeing patients at the hospital. She reads the chart on the screen in her hands as she walks to the patient’s room, ready for the next appointment.

“Hello, again.” This is a recent repeat patient for her. A woman in her mid-thirties who she saw a few months ago. A woman who had come in for a routine checkup at that point and is back now. “Carrie, right?” Carina holds out her hand.

“Yes, Dr. DeLuca. Hi.” Carrie shakes Carina’s hand.

“So, what brings you in today? You had a routine appointment just two months ago.” Carina tucks her tablet under her arm.

“Well, as we talked about at my last appointment my husband and I are trying to have a baby. At that point we had been trying for a few months. And a few more months have passed, and it hasn’t happened yet.”

Carina feels her stomach do a flip. This is not what she needs today. She swallows down her disappointment and maybe a little bile. “Have you been following the tips I gave you last time with tracking your ovulation? That can narrow down the window pretty well.” The doctor tries to keep her voice steady and remain professional.

“I have. Why isn’t it working? I fear there is something more going on. I fear something is wrong. I want you to check.”

“Okay.” Carina gets a pair of gloves and puts them on. “I will do an exam and then we will get the ultrasound machine out and do some scans.” She has the woman get into position and does an exam. There’s nothing out of the ordinary that Carina sees. She worries about missing something because her head isn’t completely in the game on this one, her own experience is clouding her brain.

The day had been going fine. Carina had other appointments before this with other patients. Women who were pregnant. Some newly pregnant and some far along but everything was routine and there were no crazy appointments, no problems either. Until now. Carina knows it’s her own emotions that are weighing on her but she can’t help but feel for this woman. Here Carrie is, trying to get pregnant and it isn’t happening and she’s afraid that something is wrong.

Dr. DeLuca knows the feeling. Except, she’s had her own check ups and appointments and there hasn’t been anything that would point to a reason why she isn’t pregnant or can’t get pregnant. All her scans have come back perfectly clear.

She can see the fear in the woman’s eyes as the nurse gets the ultrasound ready. “I don’t see anything out of the ordinary, Carrie.” She tries to sound as comforting as she can but it’s hard for Carina to keep her own thoughts and emotions from eeking out.

Carina continues the exam. She sees something on ultrasound that she doesn’t like. Which means this woman might be onto something with her fears. It also means that this woman is most likely going to need to go see a fertility specialist if she doesn’t get pregnant in the next few months.

The woman starts crying.

At first, Carina doesn’t notice. She’s too busy doing her job.

“Oh, it’s okay.” The nurse moves over to the woman’s side. “Don’t cry. You’re alright.”

Carina glances over and as soon as she sees the woman’s tears, she feels her own start. The doctor looks up at the ceiling and closes her eyes. She takes a few deep breaths, trying to get this moment to pass and not make a scene and an ass of herself. If she can get her aggressive hormones in check all will be well.

With the nurse trying to calm down and assist the patient, Carina has a moment to calm herself down and resume her work. “Are you okay?” She has to ask. She can’t go forward with the exam if Carrie is in any way uncomfortable or scared or pressured.

“Yeah.” She wipes at her tear stained cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m okay. Continue.”

Carina nods. She doesn’t trust her voice from shaking right now and betraying her. She can’t breakdown in front of this woman. She can’t.

The appointment finishes with Carina suggesting that Carrie and her husband keep trying but she also lets her know that there are some irregularities in the scans and that she is going to send them to a specialist and have them reviewed and then next steps will be made.

The woman starts crying again as they say their goodbyes.

Carina rushes out of the exam room. She practically runs down the hallway to get to her office.

As soon as the door is closed behind her the tears fall.

With her back against the door, Carina slides down to the floor with her face in her hands. She thinks it’s silly to be crying, at first. But then, Carina knows that it’s better to let it out than keep it in. The only problem is that every time she cries she thinks of Andrea, or she thinks of Maya, the comfort they could provide, and it makes her cry harder.

She sits there with her back against the door and just cries for a few minutes. Once the intensity of the emotion seems to pass, the doctor gets to her feet and gets a few tissues from her desk to blow her nose and clean off her face.

She probably looks like a mess. Carina gets her compact out of her purse and touches up her makeup. She’s got red eyes and puffy eyelids, and she can only hope that no one says anything about it.

As a professional, Carina steps back out into the hallway. She looks around to see if anyone notices her. The few people in the hall go about there business. She checks to see if anything has changed in her absence. The hallway looks the same as it did ten minutes ago. She not sure why she checks, it’s not like something drastic is going to happen in that short time frame. It’s one of those weird moments for her, though, when it feels like time stopped. Or, like she was plucked from herself and the hospital for a moment and transported to another place before returning.

“Oh, Dr. DeLuca. There you are. Your next patient is here. I was just going to come get you.”

“Thank you, Trish.” Carina straightens out her white lab coat and puts one foot in front of the other.


“Bishop?” Beckett barks into the barn.

Everyone is standing at attention in two silent lines.

“Yes, Captain.”

“I want you to be on desk duty today. In addition, clean the toilets, showers, the whole locker room, really. It’s filthy.” He stares straight ahead, not looking in her direction.

No one dares to look over at Beckett. He stands at the head of the two lines, clinking a mint around in his mouth. It’s his new thing and no one understands it. Mostly, it seems to be a new annoying habit that he has.

“The rest of you find something productive to do.” He really doesn’t care what the rest of the crew does as long as Bishop is doing more than they are. Since he found out recently that she’s trying to get him fired to get her job as captain back he’s been trying to think of ways to stick it to the blonde firefighter.

When Ross had a meeting with him last week as a check up to his sobriety, she may have hinted that if he didn’t stay sober, Bishop was going to take his job. He wasn’t sure if it was a slip of the tongue from the chief or if she meant it. But based on the bad mood she was in, he figured Maya had something to do with it.

Ross came in a few days later and he asked directly. “What has Bishop done to angle for my job?”

Ross had looked around and ducked her head, whispering in his ear. “You didn’t hear this from me but there has been a blackmail incident. I haven’t reprimanded her for it, but she’s on my shit list.”

Beckett wrinkled his brows and Ross reminded him again not to say anything before excusing herself from the conversation.

Maya starts with the showers. She hates cleaning showers, even her own at home. She’d rather clean the toilet one hundred times than clean the shower. So, Maya spends close to two hours on the showers.

A call comes in and everyone runs off. Maya comes out of the showers and watches the trucks pull out of the station. The frown on her face deepens before she moves to the desk. She’ll have to sit at the desk while everyone is out and ‘babysit’ the fire station. At least, it gives her a break from scrubbing the shower walls.

She checks the phone lines to see if there are any messages. There is one that is a hang up. Maya hopes that whoever it was found what they needed. There is a recording on the station phone that says if it’s an emergency for the person to call 911. The purpose of the phone line at the station is for non-emergency calls. It’s something that is rarely used anymore now that everyone has a cell phone in their pocket but back in the day if someone needed to reach a firefighter while on duty they called the stations phone line.

Now, the phone line is mostly used for people who are soliciting something. They get a lot of calls from people trying to sell things to the fire station. Obviously, those calls go unreturned or if answered they have to tell the caller they aren’t interested, that the department handles any purchases that are made.

Maya turns around and starts to reorganize that folders and binders on the wall behind her. It’s just something to occupy the time.

When she’s done with that, she stares across the hall into the captain’s office. Her thoughts wander back to a time when she occupied that office. Back to a time when things seemed more stable. More stable in the station, and more stable at home. She yearns for that sort of time now. The thought that she messed it all up doesn’t ever stray too far from Maya’s consciousness. It’s hard not to when she comes to work for each shift and is reminded of that. It’s hard when she comes in now and Beckett assigns her to busy work. It’s hard to know that she could still be in that office if she would have just made one different decision.

“Fuck.” She slams her palms into the desk and rises to her feet. Maya runs up the stairs into the beanery, looking for something to distract her mind. Something that will get her thoughts onto another level. She searches the fridge.

Pulling out some ingredients, she starts on preparing a lunch, all the while listening for the front door, any guests, or the phone to ring.

Half an hour later, she has casserole in the oven. Maya sets a timer on her phone and goes back down to sit at the desk.

It’s boring and uninspiring, to say the least. It’s not lost on her that earlier that day, Beckett assigned work for her and no one else. He’s been in an increasingly crabby mood lately and Maya has her theories about why. One includes why he’s sucking on those mints all the time now.

Either, he’s trying to hide the alcohol on his breath. Or he’s trying to quit drinking and sucking on something is giving him his oral fix. She ponders on that for a while.

The barn doors open after a few more minutes and that signals that the crew is back. Maya gets to her feet and heads back to the showers now that there are other people back in the building. She doesn’t want to see or talk to Beckett and she’d rather not hear about the call from the rest of her team.

The showers and toilets and locker room are her friends today. They will absorb any complaints she has as she cleans them to spotlessness.


Maya scoured the internet for any information that might help them get pregnant. She finds most of the stuff that they’ve already been doing. Eating a healthy diet. Taking prenatal vitamins. Trying to de-stress. Obviously, using an ovulation indicator kit to try to get the timing right. The one thing that they haven’t done though is cut back on coffee and more specifically caffeine intake. That might be something that Maya will have to discuss with her wife, the lover of coffee. She is sure that Carina knows all about caffeine and it’s negative effects on trying to get pregnant and pregnancy in general. Still, it might be a delicate conversation to have.

The one thing that Maya did learn from the internet; actually, the Seattle Sperm Bank website, was that it takes on average five tries to get pregnant using the at home ICI method. That makes her feel a little better about their process and what they are doing. It’s still a disappointment, though, that they aren’t pregnant yet. Maya isn’t a quitter though and so they will continue to try. Her research gives Maya faith that they are still on a good path.

The kitchen is filled with dirty pots and pans. There is flour on the counter from a failed attempt at making pasta. Maya had reached for a box of store pasta rigatoni after a few hours. It’s still something that she’s not mastered completely. If Carina is there with tips to guide her, Maya can get the homemade pasta to turn out well. Now, not so much.

She wants to make a meal for her wife. The ovulation window is coming up and she wants Carina to be stress free, well fed, healthily fed, and happy.

After Carina told her about the patient she had with trouble getting pregnant just after they had a negative test, Maya can’t stop thinking about doing everything ‘right’ so there are no more negative tests and failed attempts. Like everything she does, Maya doubles down and works harder at getting this to succeed.

She hears the door creak open as she’s washing up the pots and pans.

“I’m home, bella.” Carina calls into the apartment as she removes her shoes. “What’s that heavenly smell?” Her feet take her into the kitchen in a hurry, where she finds Maya at the sink, washing dishes. Carina slips her arms around Maya from behind.

“Hey, you.” Maya whispers.

Carina kisses Maya’s shoulder. “What did you make me for dinner?”

“I made us pasta alla Norma and some roasted asparagus.” Maya lifts the pot that boiled the pasta from the soapy water and rinses it.

“It looks amazing.” Carina glances over at the stove and her stomach rumbles just at the sight.

Maya smiles when she hears that rumbles. Carina stomach is always hungry for Italian cooking. “I hope it is. After a failed attempt at making the pasta, I switched to store bought.” She grimaces with the admission.

“How did you fail at making the pasta, bella? We’ve done it a number of times.” Carina loves the thought that Maya has put into their dinner. The idea that she attempted to make pasta by herself. The idea that Maya wanted to put something special together.

The blonde shrugs in response. “I don’t quite have the hang of it yet.” She thinks it was because it was rigatoni. If it had been a tagliatelle or fettuccine, it may have turned out.

Carina brushes Maya’s hair away from her neck. “That’s okay. You’ll get there. Maybe I have to give you another lesson.” She whispers before pressing the softest kiss to Maya’s neck. She’s enjoying how their evening has started.

“M-maybe.” Maya is a sucker for neck kisses. They make her knees weak, and Carina knows this. “L-let me finish this. The asparagus is nearly done.”

“Wonderful.” Carina takes a step back, her hands slipping over Maya’s hips as she goes. “I’m just going to wash up and change out of my work clothes.”

“Okay.”

Maya lights a candle at the center of the table and dishes up the food on two plates, setting one down for Carina and one for herself.

Dinner is wonderful and had with a small glass of wine.

“So, I was doing some research.” Maya folds her hands together and sets them on the edge of the table.

“OH?” Carina raises an eyebrow. She knows Maya loves research. She’s curious to what the topic is this time.

“I was reading about some ways to help with the ICI process. We’ve been doing a lot of great things. Tonight, I wanted to make a nice healthy dinner for us cuz eating well is part of it. I know you take the prenatals and the omega 3.” Maya isn’t a fan of the omega 3 but she will live with it. She’s probably the only one who notices but it seems like Carina’s natural scent has changed slightly. There is more of a fishy smell now and Maya thinks it’s coming from the fish oil. A logical deduction really.

“Okay, where is this going Maya?”

“I want-“ She closes her eyes. “That’s not what I mean. I don’t mean it like that. You drink coffee. Religiously. I read that caffeine can affect that chances and the pregnancy.” She shrinks at little as she waits for Carina’s reaction.

“You want me to stop drinking coffee.” Carina says it like it’s an accusation.

“No.” Maya holds her hands up. “No. I didn’t say that.” She sighs heavily and closes her eyes. This is going how she hoped it wouldn’t go.

Carina pushes her chair back and gets out of her seat.

Maya’s eyes snap open. She thinks she’s fucked this up. She watches, thinking Carina is going to retreat to their bedroom, that this conversation is over, that she’s lost this battle.

But Carina surprises her.

The doctor comes around the end of the table and moves towards Maya’s side. She pushes the blonde’s chair back away from the table and sits in her lap.

Maya is dumbfounded. Fingers stroke down her cheek. One flicking her bottom lip open, before it presses into her chin dimple.

“My Maya.” Carina sighs. The love she has for this woman is immense. The care and thought and research and dedication that Maya is putting into the baby making process is priceless. She knows she could be of more help being a doctor that focuses on things like woman’s reproductive health. But it’s hard to be a doctor at work and then have to come home and doctor herself or doctor and teach her wife about all the things that are happening within her body.

“I love you, so much. I love your commitment to this. I understand what you mean about the coffee and caffeine. I will stop.” She hums, thinking it over. “Or at least cut back. I don’t know if I can just switch to decafe though.” She snaps her fingers.

“I will stop too.” Maya knows it will be easier for her than it will be for Carina, but she wants to be together in this. Solidarity in her numbers. If Carina isn’t drinking coffee, she won’t drink coffee.

The Italian leans in and rubs her nose against Maya’s. Maya wraps her arms around Carina now, holding her close, feeling the warmth and connection with her wife now that the scary topic has been broached and discussed.

“The next window is coming up.”

Maya hums and nods. “It is.”

“And I’m working leading up to it.” Carina mentions. She needs Maya to help her get everything together for this next attempt.

Maya hums again. “Is it not possible?” She wonders if Carina is about to suggest that they wait, because the work schedule is going to be in the way. Or maybe take a day off.

“What if-?” Carina has already done all the math and looked at her schedule. She’s got a crazy idea, but it might just have to happen. “What if we do it in my office?”

Maya’s eyes get comically wide. “Carina. That’s- that’s-“

The chuckle that comes from within Carina is light and airy. “You are so funny. Don’t worry, bella. I’ll lock the door at least.”

“I- I-“ The firefighter doesn’t know what to say.

Carina knows Maya is going through all the logistics in her mind. “It could be fun. Different.” She offers. It feels like they have a limited number of opportunities. Time isn’t on their side. It seems like a waste to skip a window.

“Oh, that will be different.” She runs her hands up and down Carina’s back. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“We can. We can make a plan.” Carina grins at her plan loving wife.

Maya kisses Carina in thanks. She’s grateful that Carina understands her enough to know that this would throw her for a loop if it were just brought up last minute. “I’ll clean up dinner. You get ready for bed.”

“You’re my champion, Maya Bishop.” She reaches for the back of Maya’s head and tips it into another kiss.

“Pfft.” Maya smacks Carina’s ass lightly. “You’re just saying things to butter me up for this thing we are going to likely do in your office. At work. At the hospital.”

“I mean- I have had patients who were in labor get it on in the delivery room.” Carina rolls her shoulder and her body against Maya. “It’s also not like it’s the first time anyone has had sex in that hospital. That place is full of sex scandals.”

“We are not having sex in your office.” Maya points a firm finger at her wife.

Carina pouts. “But, bella.” She whines.

“It’s going to be hard enough to get everything set up and get the timing right.” She stands up with Carina in her arms.

“Maya!” Carina is surprised by being suddenly lifted.

She grins as she lowers Carina down so she can put her feet on the floor. “I’m just saying. I’m not opposed to kissing and foreplay and all that. But full on-“

Carina gets it though. There’s already so much that they’ll have to get ready and do beforehand if this were to happen.

“And I’ll probably be working too.” Maya adds. She kisses Carina on the lips before collecting the dishes. “But-“ She deposits them on the kitchen counter before returning to the table; a little twinkle in her eyes as she grins at her wife. “We have tonight.”

Carina rolls her eyes. “You are lucky you made dinner. And are very sexy.” Carina isn’t going to complain. She’ll get whatever she can, but Maya is so much more pragmatic about sex. She puts a hand on Maya’s shoulder and gives her a kiss. “And I love you.”

“I love you, Carina.” Maya purrs and closes her eyes. It feels so good to be able to share this dinner, this evening, this time with Carina. It feels like just being in Carina’s presence heals some of her other wounds from outside of their personal lives, outside of their apartment. Maya wants to keep it that way. She doesn’t want to do anything to lose this peace that she finds within her wife.


Maya is in the back passenger seat of the engine when her phone vibrates in her pocket. She pulls it out and sees a message from Carina. Before she left for work this morning, Carina had taken the ovulation sample and determined the time was today for their third attempt. Now, Maya is getting a message saying that Carina has blocked out an hour of her schedule at lunchtime.

The worry is that Maya won’t be able to attend. They are coming back from a call now, but lunch is a few hours away. Anything can happen in that time. There is also the problem of getting permission to leave the station for an hour.

When the engine pulls into the barn, Maya jumps out of her gear as quickly as possible. “Captain Beckett, can I have a word with you in your office?”

Beckett stares at Maya. “Sure. Get me five minutes.” He has no intention of entertaining whatever ideas Maya might have for him, but he isn’t in a position to outwardly say no to her in front of everyone.

“Thank you, sir.”

The next five minutes Maya spends in a ball of nerves. She knows Beckett, at the very least, doesn’t like her. And at the most, is out to get her for some reason. She knows he’s been assigning her extra work and trying to break her moral.

She knocks on the office door and waits for Beckett to call her in.

“Sit down, Bishop.” He has his back to Maya, a folder in his hands. “What can I do for you?”

Maya sits but doesn’t like that Beckett won’t turn around to face her. “Sir, I know it’s last minute but my wife is having a procedure done at the hospital today and I would like to be there with her. I’m only asking for an hour to run over to the hospital and then I will be back. You won’t even know I was gone.” It’s a small lie. Carina isn’t exactly having a procedure done but Beckett doesn’t need to know that.

“All time off has to be approved beforehand.” He reminds his lieutenant.

“I know that, captain. But this is last minute, and this procedure needs to happen today.” She doesn’t want to have to plead and beg with this man, but Maya is on the verge.

Beckett turns around now, facing Maya with an unimpressed look on his face. “What makes you think I should give you special treatment? Is it because you think you are such a hotshot because you used to be in this office.” He raises an eyebrow. “Huh, Bishop?”

Maya isn’t sure how to respond to that. “No, captain.”

“Well, request denied. You are to stay here.” He turns back around.

Maya shoulders sink. “Okay, sir. Thank you.” She pushes herself up from her chair, which doesn’t seem too easy with a mountain of dejection on her shoulders. As she steps out into the lobby hallway, her thoughts spin with what she’s going to tell Carina. They knew that both of them working was going to be a possibility but never did Maya think that they couldn’t figure something out. Until now.

The thought crosses her mind to just go. To be with Carina, to do the ICI and come back. But she knows that is defying an order that she’s just been given. It would be insubordination. It would be another mark on her record.

She knows she and Beckett are not friends. They aren’t close in any way. But he knows Carina. Carina helps out at the station with the clinic. Maya thought that, at least, he would understand and just allow this one little brief step out.

But she knows she can’t go. She knows that Beckett will use it against her. She knows he will write her up and tell Chief Ross. She gets her phone out of her pocket and with a deep agonizing breath hits Carina’s contact and puts it to her ear.

The phone rings and rings and goes to voicemail.

“Hey, babe. I just asked Beckett if I can stop over at the hospital for an hour and he said no. I’m not sure what to do right now. I can’t leave the station. He won’t let me. Um- I’m really sorry. I don’t know if you want to skip this time or what. I could- we could- I don’t know. Give me a call back if you can. Bye.”

Maya hangs up and looks at her phone screen. Carina’s contact picture is of her on their wedding day. She smiling and looking radiant in her white outfit. She sighs and locks her phone. This is another failing on her part. She’s supposed to be there for Carina, and she isn’t. She’s supposed to be supportive, and she can’t be.

The thought of facing the team is daunting now. She knows they will see whatever emotions are on her face and doesn’t want to have to deal with that right now. They also likely heard her ask Beckett for a word so there will be questions about that. She just wants to talk to Carina and apologize. She goes into the barn and sits on the back step of the engine as she thinks about what she can do.

Maybe they can get someone like Amelia or Teddy involved. Though, Maya is uncomfortable with Amelia being in that close proximity to Carina’s privates. Maybe they should wait. But Carina is ready, she’s taken the hormone shots and the vitamins and fish oil. That would all be a waste at this point.

She’s going through scenarios in her head when her phone rings. “Carina.”

Maya is met with an angry string of Italian. “Woah. Slow down. Calm down, Carina.”

“I will not calm down. Beckett is a selfish prick who has no capacity to have sympathy for anyone.” She huffs.

Maya doesn’t disagree.

“He can’t even let you go for an hour? What about like a lunch break?”

“We don’t get lunch breaks.” Maya knows that Carina knows this. There are no breaks. It’s a 24 hour shift. “And I would’ve had to put in for time off ahead of time.” She hates to add that to the conversation. “And with what’s happening, I couldn’t say which day for sure it would’ve been two weeks in advance. I’m stuck here.” There’s a certain amount of shame and disappointment Maya has in herself at not putting enough thought and planning into this.

Carina sighs into the phone.

“I’m so sorry, Carina.” She feels like she’s ruining their chances at having a baby. “I should’ve done something. I should’ve taken time off. I should’ve made sure that I can be there for you. It was poor planning on my part. I’m really sorry.”

“Maya, no.” She doesn’t want Maya to beat herself up about this. “We have tricky schedules. There’s no getting around that. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that you can’t be here but what if I do it myself?”

“What?” Maya’s heart breaks. It shatters at the thought of Carina alone, Carina inseminating herself. She’s supposed to be the one to do it. She’s supposed to be there.

“Hear me out. I know you can’t be here. I know you want to be here. I know, bella. I know. But I don’t want to miss this window.” Carina doesn’t want to miss any opportunities. Age and time are against her, she knows each month is one less month that she has.

“Well, I don’t either.” Maya makes sure Carina knows that. She’s not the one preventing herself from being there with Carina today. That’s Beckett and the fire department.

“I’ll do it myself. It’s not that difficult. I am a vagina doctor after all.” She pulls her lips up into a smile. This isn’t some difficult thing. Yes, she wants Maya to be with here and for Maya to be the one to inject the sperm. But that’s not an option today.

Maya smirks at that. “Do you, like, want help? From someone.”

“No. I can do it.” She feels like this is the only option now. Carina knows it’s not ideal but if they both don’t want to miss the opportunity she sees this as the only option. “I can call you. You can be on the phone. Or videocall.”

“Yeah.” Maya’s not sure what she’s agreeing to but she agrees.

“Okay. Great.” Carina feels a little better now. “I have to go. I’m in between appointments but I will call you in a little bit.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Ciao, bella. Ti amo.” Carina coos into the phone.

Her last appointment before lunch goes off without a hitch. Carina hurries back to her office. The sperm has been thawing and should be ready to go. She wishes Maya were here with her. She wishes they could do this together. She wants nothing more. She wants Maya to be the one to get her aroused. She wants Maya to be the one to inject her with the sperm. She wants Maya. Period. It’s starting to feel like there is a force outside themselves that is trying to prevent them from do things together, or trying to keep them apart.

Carina knows it isn’t easy with Maya’s job and the position she is in with not getting her captaincy back and being demoted but at some point things need to move on from that. They need to be able to move forward, look forward to other things in life. Beckett is a dick. Ross is biased and unfair but there isn’t anything Maya can do about that yet she keeps trying. To Carina it feels like a never ending carousel.

With everything set up, a towel from the attends lounge laid down on the floor, Carina is ready. She grabs her phone and gets Maya on a video call. “Where are you?” Carina asks instead of a greeting.

It’s pitch black behind Maya. The only reason she can even see her face is because of the light that the phone screen is giving off.

“I’m in the storage closet. I don’t want anyone to be privy to this.” Maya keeps her voice low to try to avoid detection. The storage closet is not often used or gone into. It’s for things they don’t need most of the time. There are folding chairs and items for the clinic but it’s rarely used stuff so no one is going to coming looking for something. Hopefully.

Carina nods. That’s good thinking.

“It’s the only place where no one will look for me.” Maya practically whispers into the phone.

“Okay.” Carina isn’t sure she likes what she is hearing but they are keeping their prospective baby making a secret. She does know that Andy knows though but so far it seems that Andy hasn’t told anyone. Andy has also been busy with getting back into station 19, searching for Jack, trying to figure out Beckett, working with her ex-husband again, and dealing with the aftermath of a sexual assault. Maya and Carina’s secret baby plans aren’t exactly a top priority for Andy right now and that’s a good thing for Maya and Carina.

“Are you all ready? What do you want me to do?” She can’t see much of anything that is behind Carina but knows she’s in her office.

“Talk dirty to me, Lieutenant Bishop.”

“Shit.” Maya hisses. She wasn’t expecting that.

“Too much?” Carina bites her lip.

“No.” The firefighter shakes her head. “I just wasn’t expecting it.” She starts to pull the snaps apart on her uniform shirt. “Here.” She angles the phone at her now exposed cleavage.

“That’s good, bella.” She remembers back to the time during Covid lockdowns when she couldn’t be with Maya physically. It was torture. Their relationship has always been physical. Almost from day one. Whether it’s a touch or a hug or a cuddle or something more intimate. They had to do all their interacting through texts, phone calls, and video calls. It was an exhausting and frustrating time, but Maya always tried to do things to keep her spirits up. “More.”

Maya chuckles. “I’m not going to undress in this closet.”

Carina clicks her tongue at her wife. “Talk to me, Maya.”

She thinks for a moment. “You are the most amazing doctor. You know so much about so many things. You are so smart. Your intelligence is super sexy. I don’t know how I got so lucky to find you, but I did. Carina, you’re beautiful. Your mind and your body. Your long legs.” She hums at the thought.

It’s not exactly what Carina needs. Dirty talk isn’t Maya’s strong suit. But god, she loves to hear how much Maya loves and appreciates her.

“I like when those long legs tangle with mine. I can run my strong hands down your thighs and hike your leg up around my hip as you grind into me. And then I’ll grab at your ass with my hand and pull you impossibly close. But not too close so I can’t squeeze my right hand between our bodies and stroke you perfectly and expertly. Just how you like it.”

That’s more of what Carina is looking for. “Mmm, Maya. That’s it.”

“Is it working?” Maya is surprised herself.

“Si.” Carina grunts.

“Are you touching yourself?”

“I am.” She closes her eyes. “Maya?”

“Oh. Okay. I- uh- slowly stroke and rub between your folds. The warm, wet moisture gets me horny for more. I love how wet you get for me. It’s like there is a never ending supply. So wet that I can easily slip three fingers inside you. But you usually only need two. Two skilled fingers and the prefect mixture of kisses and touches. A little ass grouping and nipple play. You love when I play with your nipples. Sucking and pinching and tugging at them until you are moaning out my name.”

“I’m so close.”

“You are so beautiful. Like an angel. When you cum in my hand. That burst of extra moisture that can be collected and licked up. A taste of heaven on my tongue. The rhythm is set and I’m pumping in and out of you. You are rocking your hips against me. I curl my fingers inside you, rubbing against that one spot.”

“Maya!”

“I circle your clit with my thumb. Lightly at first but then apply a little pressure. A little pressure is always good. Harder. You grind against me. Together we-“

“Ahhhhhhh! Maya!” Carina comes undone.

“Shit.” Maya whispers into the phone. That might have been the sexiest thing Maya has ever done on the phone. And she fumbled her way through it.

“Mayaaaaaaa.” Carina moans with panted breath.

“It’s okay. I’m here. Shhhhhh.” There is a clock. In Maya’s head, there is a clock. She will give Carina a moment, but they have to get to the sperm.

“That was-“

“Yeah.” Maya chews on her bottom lip. “Carina?”

“Yeah?’

“The sperm.”

“Oh.” In a flash Carina is moving. The phone is dropped on her desk. She’s lying on the floor on her back. A syringe is in her hand. “I’m gonna do it.”

The screen points up at the ceiling tiles in Carina’s office. That’s all Maya can see. “Go ahead, babe. I’m right here.” The blonde has been whispering the entre time, but her words are even quieter now.

“I’m doing it.” There is awe in Carina’s voice.

“Good.” Maya isn’t sure what else to say. “Nice and steady.” She’s not sure if her words are helpful or not.

There is a long sigh from Carina and then the phone is moving. A moment passes before Maya sees Carina’s dopey grin. “It’s done.”

Maya nods. “You did so well. I love you.” She gives a tight-lipped smile.

“Maya?”

“I know. I wish I could be there. But Beckett has it out for me, I think. I’m not sure what I did to him, but he seems different towards me recently.” She reveals a truth to Carina in this time of vulnerability.

“Oh, bella. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I just want to know that you are good. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there. I love you.”

“I love you, Maya. So very much. I understand. It’s understandable. I’m not upset with you in any way.”

The blonde nods. “So now what?”

Carina laughs. “You have a way with words, bambina.”

Maya shrugs. “It worked.” She smirks at her own successful dirty talk and getting Carina to orgasm over the phone.

“It did.” Carina winks. “Show me some more of that sexy cleavage.”

Maya looks down. “What these?” She cups a breast. “You have to wait until I get home tomorrow. Like I said, I’m not undressing for you.”

“Pwease?”

“Nope.” Maya pops the p.

Carina pouts. “You’re no fair.”

“Maya?” Andy voices calls out.

“Shit.” The blonde scrunches into a little ball. No one can see her, but she tries to hide. “I should go. Andy is looking for me.”

“I love you, bella.” Carina nods.

“Love you. Bye.”

Carina watches until the call cuts out. She sighs at the thoughts of what just happened. Here she is laying on her office floor, her pants around her ankles, her thighs sticky with her orgasm, Maya’s boobs and words on her mind. She thinks about rubbing out another one and wonders if that will affect the sperm any.


The two weeks between the sperm placement and the time to test for a pregnancy have passed.

Maya opens up the box with the test inside and gets it ready for Carina. The brunette emerges from the bedroom. “I’ll give you a minute.” She kisses Carina lips and steps back into the bedroom.

Part of Maya hopes it worked. A large part. But there’s another smaller, tinier part that doesn’t want it to. It’s selfish. But because she wasn’t there to be with Carina during the insemination there is a bit of uncertain feelings. If it’s a positive and she wasn’t part of the process of getting that positive, how is she going to feel about the baby. Maya already has her reservations about being good enough to parent a child. Add to that the thought that she had no part in ‘making’ that child.

She just wishes she could turn off her thoughts. And not just thoughts of babies and children. Thoughts about work. Some of the fear is gone now though. Ross hasn’t punished her and at this point Maya is certain she won’t. She can’t without revealing her own misdeeds.

But secrets don’t make friends. And Maya definitely isn’t making any friends with herself.

Carina comes back into the bedroom. She pulls her shirt off.

Maya sees the bruises on her stomach. Every time she sees them she winces. Carina is putting herself through pain and hurt, both physical and emotion, to try to conceive a baby. While it’s brave and impressive and it makes Maya feel proud it also brings her sadness.

She reaches out her fingers gliding over the marks. “I hate seeing these.”

Carina frowns. “It’s part of the process.”

“I know but-“ She shrugs.

Carina pulls Maya into a hug. “Thank you. For caring about me and my body.”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

Carina simply hums. She knows she’s lucky to have Maya with all of her care and compassion. She knows other people don’t have it as well with their partners. She’s been in relationships where the other person mostly only cares about themselves and no matter how hard she tried it never changed. “What do you think it’s going to say?”

That’s a loaded question. “What do you think?” Maya asks back.

Carina chuckles. “Clever.”

Neither of them want to say. Neither of them want to get their hopes too high. Neither of them want to admit that there are thoughts of another negative result.

Carina pulls Maya’s head to her shoulder and they sway together for a few minutes.

The test is negative. Carina’s tears are more subdued this time but they still fall. Maya holds Carina tight as they lie in bed together. Plenty of kisses are applied to anywhere Maya’s lips can reach. Her hands rubs circles against Carina’s back.

Carina clings to Maya like her life depends on it. Maya is her rock. Maya is her strength. It still bothers her that Maya shows little emotion, though.

Chapter 76

Notes:

Hello all. Here is another chapter. We are approaching Season 6 episode1 in this chapter. I wanted to get all this in before then. I think it sets the stage well and kind of getting a better understanding of where Carina and Maya are coming from in that first episode and how frustrated they each are about different things.
Enjoy!

Chapter Text

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” Maya messes with the non-mess in the kitchen, shuffling stuff around that doesn’t need to be shuffled around. Cleaning spots on the counter that are spotless. “Cleaning. It’s- dirty.”

Carina furrows her brow. The kitchen, or any part of their apartment, isn’t dirty. She’s noticed this strange obsession that Maya has with cleaning in the last few weeks. She’s not sure where it’s coming from but it’s there.

She moves up behind Maya and reaches her arms around her, taking her wrists in firm grasp. “Hey.” She stills Maya’s hands. “What’s going on?” Her words are gentle. She wants to convey understanding and patience in the hopes that Maya will let her in on what’s going on.

“Nothing.”

“Maya, are you okay?”

The blonde releases a long breath through her nose. “I’m fine. Just stressed.”

Her grip on Maya’s wrists loosens but she doesn’t let go completely. “What are you stressed about? Do you want to talk about it?”

Maya pulls her wrists out of Carina’s grip and tugs away from her. She goes and stands in the corner of the kitchen but consciously makes the effort to stay facing her wife. “I’m just- I don’t want to talk about it. Okay?”

Carina doesn’t think it’s okay. She just wants Maya to talk to her. She just wants Maya to be okay and to feel okay. “Is it all the tries? Should we stop? Do you want to take a break from that?” She takes a step closer to Maya, she desperately wants to be in Maya’s space, but Maya’s body language is telling her to keep away.

“No. NO. NO. NO. We will keep trying. I’m not a quitter.” She can’t even look at Carina, her eyes focus on Carina’s stocking covered feet as she speaks. “Work and Beckett- I’m just thinking about that too much. I need to clean to take my mind off of it.” She spins around and starts reorganizing the spices in the spice rack.

“Maya.” Carina sighs heavily. It pains her heart to see Maya like this. She knows her wife wants what’s best. In every situation. She knows that Maya will fight tooth and nail for the right things for the best outcomes. She knows that’s what Maya is doing now. She’s trying to think of ways to both get the best out of her situation at work and the best for Carina and getting pregnant.

But there are things that are out of Maya’s control. And that’s the problem here. She wants to control everything, but she can’t. The control has been taking away from Maya and giving to Beckett. The control has been taken from her and given to Carina’s reproductive organs.

Carina isn’t even sure what to do. She knows Maya needs her time and space. She knows not to push too much but she hates that she’s being pushed aside in the process. She knows Maya isn’t doing it on purpose, but it still leaves her with a little pang of pain.

“Do you want to go out today?” She changes the subject entirely. If Maya is super focused on cleaning maybe Carina can offer something to shift her focus. Something a little healthier.

Maya turns around and raises an eyebrow at Carina. “What do you mean?”

“Like- to lunch. Or for a walk.” She shrugs. “Or you can pick something.”

The blonde hums. “That would be nice. I’ll go shower and change.” She scampers off right away.

Carina frowns but takes it as a win. If she can help get Maya out of her head and out of the house maybe that will help with the stress.

Lunch is lovely.

The walk in the park is even better.

Maya squeezes Carina’s hand. “Thank you. I was wound so tight earlier.”

Carina gives a tight-lipped smile. “You are welcome. I just want you to- I don’t want you to be stressed out. It’s not good for you.”

“I know. But I can get like that sometimes. You always have a way of bringing me back down.” The problem Maya is having currently is that it’s becoming harder for Carina to get her to take a break, focus on something else, do something to de-stress. And that scares her.

Carina is her whole world and if she can’t get through to her, then what.


“Hey, Carina.” Andy greets the Italian. “How’s it going? How’s the-“ She lowers her voice. “Baby making?”

“Oh.” Carina looks up from her clipboard. She is surprised that Andy is bringing this up in such a public setting. Maya had told her that Andy knew about what they are doing but she wasn’t prepared to being addressed with this topic when she is at that station for work. “Well, no positive news on that front. Have you found anything out about Jack?”

Andy shakes her head. “Still MIA?”

“Does that worry you?”

The Latina winkles up her face in uncertainty. “He should be able to take care of himself, but I do worry that he’s not.” She knows Jack tendencies and they aren’t always good tendencies. “I worry that he’s somewhere, hiding from the world, because he feels like he’s not good enough since he found out that he has a whole family that abandoned him.”

Carina hums. She understands that. She understands that because of her wife. Maya has feelings of not being good enough. There’s that self-doubt that was instilled in her to try to make her better. Better at running and racing but better at everything; and if Maya doesn’t succeed and live up to something she doesn’t feel good enough.

“You helping with the clinic today?”

Andy brings her hand to her forehead and salutes Carina. “At your service.”

The Italian laughs. “Okay. Good. I need you to go over there and set up the two cubicles for exams. I need boxes of gloves, sterile wipes, hand sanitizer, the first aid kits, and syringes.”

“Just like your wife.” Andy smirks.

“Haha.” Carina smiles though at the comparison to her wife. As Andy moves on, Carina wonders about the whereabouts of said wife. She has about fifteen minutes before the clinic starts and with Andy’s help in setting up she could go off to find Maya.

She looks up at the walkway above the barn. Sullivan is standing up there watching the setup. She looks away from him quickly. She knows that Ross was supposed to take one of the offices up there. Maya let her in on that little secret but that hasn’t happen. She wonders if Sullivan is lingering up there in the hope that one day Ross will take an office there.

Captain Beckett comes into the barn and nods in Carina’s direction but doesn’t say anything to her. She’s not a huge fan of his. She can see with her own eyes how he treats his firefighters. It’s not just her wife. It’s not just Maya’s word. Carina can see the lack of respect that the crew has for Beckett. They listen to his orders, but they don’t respect him one bit. He’s a sorry excuse of a captain and she knows he’s just in it for the title.

Getting as far away from him as she can, Carina goes to search for Maya.

She finds the blonde upstairs in the bunk room. “Hey.”

Maya looks up and over. She’s not surprised to see Carina there. She knew she was going to be around for the clinic day. “Hi.” She gets to her feet. “I was just-“ She looks back at her bunk. “I was just taking a moment. Are you all set up for the clinic?” She slips her hand over Carina’s hip, holding onto her at the small of her back.

“Andy is finishing set up for me. I wanted to see you before I got started. Are you going to help with the clinic today?” She would very much like to have Maya hanging around the clinic all day. Ideally, she’d swap Andy out for Maya.

She shakes her head, her blonde ponytail flopping back and forth. “No, unfortunately. Beckett has me and Vic and Theo going out to apartment buildings to do their yearly safety inspections.”

Carina is immediately suspicious of this. It might explain the nonverbal exchange she just had with Beckett. Is Beckett purposefully keeping Maya out of the station on clinic days while she is there? She doesn’t want to accuse him of anything, but couldn’t those inspections happen any other day before or after the clinic day. He knows well in advance what day the clinic day is every month. It’s usually the third Thursday of every month. Carina thinks it can’t possibly be a coincidence.

“That’s dumb.” Carina grumbles. She glances over at her wife with a grumpy pout.

It makes Maya smile.

The doctor wraps her arms around Maya’s shoulders, clasping her hands together on Maya’s left upper arm, holding them together a little closer. “Well, then I’m glad I came to find you before the clinic started. I’ll see you after?”

“Yeah.” Maya slips her arms around Carina fully now. She tries to pull some strength from her wife’s words, her embrace, her presence. She’s going to need it if she’s going to endure Vic and Theo all day. She’s not sure how they get to be all coupley in the workplace. In Maya’s opinion, it’s not very professional. They are taking it to a level beyond what Maya would deem acceptable. Beckett doesn’t say anything about it, though, so it gives Hughes and Ruiz the presumption to carry on.

Here she is in the bunk room, sharing a hug with her wife but there are no eyes on them. They aren’t in public view or around the rest of the crew. If what Hughes and Ruiz were doing was like that, Maya doesn’t think she would be so bothered by it. But they make jokes and googley heart eyes at each other all day. Flirting and trading kisses even when people are watching.

She realizes that there is no discipline, no authority. She knows everyone dislikes Beckett and that no one respects him. And he doesn’t do anything about it. But where is the self-respect and the commitment to being a professional firefighter while on the job. It’s almost like he doesn’t care that he has no respect from his crew.

Maya tries to not be a hypocrite but sometimes with Carina around it makes it hard. But she always tries to excuse them from the group for more intimate moments, a tender hug or kiss, anything more than a peck on the lips.

“What are you thinking about?” Carina can almost see the gears turning behind Maya’s eyes.

“Just about Hughes and Ruiz. I don’t want to use the word flaunt but I think the way they act together at work can be unprofessional sometimes.”

“Are you jealous?’ Carina smirks. “Should I come by more often and hug all up on you and kiss you at the dinner table.”

Maya shakes her head. “Absolutely not.”

Carina laughs. They have talked about this more than once. Especially when Maya was captain. They both agreed to try to remain professional in the workplace. There have been a few slip ups but they are only human and those slip ups were not witnessed by any other persons. “Okay, bella. I love you. I will see you later.” She purses her lips.

“Love you.”

They share a quick kiss and go their separate ways.

Later, after the clinic wraps up, Carina finds Maya with a binder in her hands as she goes over fire codes and procedures. “Studying?”

“Oh, yeah.” Maya sets the binder down. “The inspections today reminded me that I need to know all the codes and everything for all types of buildings, not just apartments, not just checking to see if they have the right amount of fire extinguishers and if they are up to code. There’s things like sprinkler systems, shut off location for those systems in like government buildings. Other things too. So, I’m brushing up on everything.”

“That’s good.” Carina reaches out for Maya’s hand.

The blonde connects their fingers. “How was the clinic?”

“It went well. It’s still weird that Jack isn’t there to help.” Carina gives a tight-lipped smile.

Maya hums. The first few days after he went missing were weird at the station. She gets what Carina is saying. There is an adjustment period, especially since Jack was so heavily involved with the clinic. “Yeah. He’s kind of an ass for leaving you hanging on that one too.” She’s really not a huge fan of Jack’s anymore.

“Yeah. But I managed. And Ben was there so that was good. Andy helped today too. It went well. We helped lots of people. Which is the goal, so I can’t complain at the end of the day.” Carina smiles. She’s proud of the work that the clinic is doing.

“Are you staying for dinner?”

“Do you want me to stay for dinner?” After their discussion about Vic and Theo earlier Carina isn’t sure if Maya is having some hesitancy about her presence around the station. It sounded a little like Maya wished she could do with her what Vic and Theo were doing; but also that she absolutely didn’t want to.

“Of course. Sempre.” She squeezes Carina’s hand and then brings it to her lips for a soft kiss. “Come on.” She wants Carina to know that she is proud to have her around. She is proud to call Carina her wife and have her interact with her station family, even if it might feel skewed recently.

Carina smiles softly and follows Maya to the beanery. They sit at the table and watch as Theo and Sullivan and Warren play cards. Vic and Andy are working on dinner. Carina would offer to help with the food but wants to stick by Maya’s side. She’s feeling a little over-protective and clingy of her wife today. It’s been a weird day with Beckett and his attitude towards, not only Maya, but it seems like herself, as well, So Carina has her guard up.


The stage is set.

The sperm is thawed.

The candles are lit.

The bed is ready.

“Carina.” Maya calls. She had suggested Carina take a nap while her sperm thawed. She had napped in the spare bedroom and now Maya is ready to wake her.

She quietly enters the room. “Hey.” She sits on the edge of the bed at Carina’s hip. Gently, she shakes her shoulder. “My love. It’s time.”

Carina hums as she wakes. She yawns and stretches her arms above her head. “I had a good dream.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Mmm-hmm. It was of you in a bathing suit. Remember when you beat Todd in that push up competition.” She smiles goofily. It is a wonderful memory.

Maya blushes. “Yeah. He was a tool.”

“He was. But my sexy girlfriend showed him who was boss. In her swimsuit, no less.” Carina winks over at her wife.

“I wasn’t your girlfriend at the time.” Maya mumbles, feeling embarrassed by that fact.

“You weren’t?” Carina teases with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “I think you and I both know that you were all in. Even if you couldn’t admit it to yourself at the time.”

“I’m sorry about that.” She sighs.

Carina reaches up and strokes her fingers over Maya’s cheek. “Don’t be. I love you. I loved you then and I love you now. You just needed a little time. I was impatient with that time, and it caused problems, but I like to think it worked out in the end.”

Maya closes her eyes. “I love you, Carina.” She sighs with conviction.

“Is my sperm ready?” Carina changes the topic.

“It is.” The blonde grins at her wife’s phrasing. “Let’s do this.” She goes to get up, but Carina pulls her back. “Cosa?”

“Baciami?”

Maya grins. “Happily.” She leans in and kisses Carina. It’s not a long kiss but it is full of intent and optimism. She wants to convey to Carina that she is all in on doing the next attempt. She missed the last one and she’s not going to do anything to mess up or miss this one. She’s going to be there with Carina. She’s going to be the one to insert the sperms. Maya feels like that’s her job.

Carina grabs Maya by the back of the neck and pulls her down on top of her. That gets a little squeal from the blonde. She always loves when she can surprise Maya. Carina giggles into the kiss before pulling away and tucking her face into Maya’s shoulder.

“Okay. I’m ready now.”

Maya kisses the side of Carina’s head. She leans back and holds out her hand. “Let’s do this.”

This time, as Maya is pushing the plunger down on the syringe, she says a little prayer. She’s not really big on religion. She grew up in the Catholic church and did all the sacraments and everything that was required of her. Mostly, under the guidance of her father. He made her go to religion class at their church every week, even though they didn’t go to church on Sunday. So she’s a believer as a result.

It’s nothing much but she asks God to grant her this one thing, this one miracle, and to make her wife pregnant.

This time feels different. Maya feels closer to Carina than the last time, obviously. But she also feels like, for whatever reason, there is more importance on this try. It’s their forth try and Maya isn’t sure how many more tries she can endure. She will continue to say that they will try again if this time doesn’t work, but it’s starting to weigh her down in a way it hasn’t before. Maya feels like she has less energy for this now.

She kisses Carina on the belly and then on the lips. “Done.”

“I hope it works this time.” Carina closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

“Me too.” Maya takes her cheek in hand and tips Carina’s face into a kiss. “Me too.” She lays next to Carina, stroking her hand silently over her arm and stomach, back and forth between the two. She tries to focus on a brown haired, brown eyed mini version of Carina. A little girl with the same mannerisms, the same smile, the same love for life. She keeps her thoughts to herself. Maya doesn’t want to get carried away and get her and Carina’s hopes too high with talk of a future child when they haven’t been able to conceive one yet. It’s, a little, cart before the horse.


Carina has a meeting with Jo and some of the other OB’s; something the department has every six weeks or so.

Afterwards, Carina pulls Jo aside to ask for some advice.

She’s starting to feel like Maya is keeping her feelings from her. Especially with the stress Maya has been under and the incident with obsessively cleaning the kitchen. She also wonders if the blonde is regretting the baby making process. They’ve tried over and over and over with no success yet. Carina tries to remain hopeful, but she doesn’t know how Maya feels about it. Maya wants to keep her emotions close to the vest. She wants to stay as levelheaded as possible. Carina knows that Maya wants to do those things for her; that Maya wants to remain strong and stoic and true to Carina and the process, but it’s starting to feel like there is a strain there; that with each failed attempt it gets a little more tense at trying again.

She wants a second opinion on this before she addresses it with Maya. Since they aren’t telling people they are trying for a baby Jo is the only one at the hospital that knows anything of the plan. She did some tests for Carina early on and has more information than anyone else on the situation. Jo is the one to turn to.

Carina wants to know if maybe they should take a break from trying, that it’s putting too much pressure on them. And more specifically Maya.

Carina really really wants to be pregnant. She wants nothing more. But at what expense. Are all these tries driving Maya mad?

“I need your advice.” She gets right to it.

“Okay.” Jo nods. “On what?”

“Well, my wife.” Carina shrugs.

Jo chuckles. “I’m straight.”

Carina frowns. “That doesn’t matter. And, plus, you are the only one in this hospital that knows I am, we are, trying to have a baby.”

“OH!” Jo can sort of see where this discussion is headed now. “A secret confidant.”

Carina rolls her eyes playfully. “Something like that. Look, I’m worried about us continuing to try. This is our fourth try now. We are still awaiting the results. But I’m worried that it might be too much. I know I’m the one pushing for a pregnancy and a baby. And Maya has a lot of drama with her job right now. But is it too much? Should I pull back? Should we maybe take a break?” She would hate for Maya to snap and make some sort of rash decision. The fear from when Maya cheated on her surfaces and eats at her confidence. She knows Maya wouldn’t do that again but could there be some sort of other crazy thing that she does? That’s what Carina is worried about.

Jo focus in on Carina as she thinks. “Has Maya asked to pause or take a break from trying?” Carina shakes her head. “Has she not been supportive?”

“No. She’s been very supportive.” Carina huffs out a frustrated breath of air because Maya been very supportive. “I feel like there’s something she’s holding back though. Like she only has one foot in this. Or that she’s got reservations about all the attempts. I know it’s not the cheapest thing in the world to try month after month. But it’s the cheapest method and right now there’s no real reason to suspect that it won’t work. Other than maybe my age.” She’s grasping at straw for a reason to explain the way she feels.

Jo is stumped. “I’m not sure what to tell you. You said Maya is stressed about work.”

“Yeah. Her boss treats her like crap now. He’s out to get her. I don’t know why. He should be satisfied. He replaced her. Maybe he feels threatened by her.” Carina leaves out the part where Beckett is an incompetent drunk.

“That sounds tough. I think you two just need to stick together. Don’t let anything come between you. Times might be hard now, but you’ll get pregnant and have a beautiful baby, and you’ll forget how hard it was trying to conceive.”

Carina sure hopes so. “Thanks, Jo.” She pats the doctor on the back. “How have things been going with you? How’s Luna?”

“Oh.” Jo pulls her phone from her lab coat pocket. “She’s so cute. She’s moving around now. Getting into all sorts of trouble. Look.” She scrolls through her camera roll and shows Carina tons of pictures of her daughter.

They spend a few minutes looking at pictures and Jo brags about her daughter and all the neat things she is doing and learning. As sweet as Carina thinks it is, it makes her yearn that much more for a child of her own.


“Bishop.” The captain calls her into his office on the way out of the building after her shift. She just wants to get home. She and Carina are supposed to take a pregnancy test this morning.

“Yes, captain.” She steps into the office.

“I want you to do something for me.” He folds his hands together and sets them in his lap. He looks across the desk waiting for a reply from her.

“Okay.” Maya is dreading whatever is going to come out of his mouth next.

“I need somebody to work an extra shift tomorrow.” He raises an eyebrow.

Maya lets out a sigh of relief. As he was going on, she thought he was going to ask her to work today. She has to get home for the pregnancy test, that’s her main priority today. If he would have asked her to work today, she’s not sure what words would come out of her mouth. Instead, she agrees. “I’ll be here.”

“Thank you, Bishop.” Beckett nods. “You off to see that wife of yours now? She at home waiting for you?” He smirks in her direction as he gets to his feet.

Maya doesn’t like his tone or the nasty snarl he sends her way. “I am. She is.”

“Well, tell her I say hi.” Beckett gets his bag and pushes past Maya, actually exiting the office before she does.

He has never said anything bad or ill about Carina before, but he seems to be coming really close. Maya wonders if there is a hint of homophobia that she is detecting, or if he just doesn’t like her, and is jealous that she has a wife and he doesn’t.

She scoffs.

“What’s got you so disgusted.” Andy slides up to Maya’s side. They watch as Beckett exits out the front door.

Many things. The fact that their captain just walked out at the end of shift before his team. Or the fact that he said something about her wife. Maya doesn’t allude to either of those things though. “I can’t believe you slept with him.”

Andy grimaces. “Yuck. Don’t remind me. He seemed less icky then. I may have also had too much to drink. It was against my better judgment, and I was just trying to stick it to Robert.”

Maya doesn’t think any of those are good enough reasons to sleep with Sean Beckett. “I have to get going.” She looks around to make sure no one is within earshot before lowering her voice. “We’re taking a test this morning.”

Andy grins happily for her friend. “Go. Get out of here. I hope it goes well.”

Maya waves as she rushes off. “Thanks.” She thinks about how she’s going to have to break it to her wife that she is now working tomorrow. They were set to both have two days off in a row. It was going to be a good break for them. But now she’s working, and she can’t get out of it either. She knows why Beckett asked her, it’s because she can’t say no.

“Carina?” She calls out. The idea is that Carina is still in bed and hasn’t gotten up yet. She throws down her backpack and slips her shoes off before hurrying to the bedroom.

Maya breathes a sigh of relief. Carina is sitting up in bed looking at her phone. She hasn’t taken the test yet.

“Finally.” Carina pouts. “I have to pee so bad, but I wanted to wait for you.”

It’s one of the sweetest, kind of gross, things Carina has ever said to her. “Thank you for waiting.” Maya hurries over to the bed, she kisses Carina, and then helps her to her feet. She holds out a hand in reference to the bathroom.

“I’ll be right back.” Carina winks.

Maya removes her clothes and slips into a pair of jogging pants and a cutoff tank top as she waits.

When Carina comes back Maya’s back is turned to her. The tight pants show off Maya’s tight ass and her tank top shows off her muscular arms. It’s a wonderful sight. She walks up behind Maya and grabs a firm handful of ass.

“Ahh.” Maya jumps. “I’m being groped.” She bites her lip.

Carina laughs. “You look too amazing not to grope. Have you been lifting weights more?” She grabs Maya’s biceps and gives a squeeze.

Maya turns around and Carina throws her arms around Maya’s neck. “I have. Thanks for noticing.”

“You’re so sexy, bella.” Carina leans in for a kiss.

They get a little carried away with kisses and needy, roaming hands.

“The test.” Maya mumbles against Carina’s lips.

The Italian pouts. “It can wait while I have you?”

Maya raises an eyebrow. “Do you really want to wait?”

She thinks about it. “No.” On second thought, Carina needs to know the results. She drags Maya by the hand back into the bathroom. “Look at it for me, bella.” Carina stands beside Maya, her hand slips down the blonde’s back and right into the back of her pants. She’s feeling frisky today. She’s not sure why. A tiny thought runs through her mind that it could be because she’s pregnant and the extra hormones are making her more turned on. Or it could just be her sexy firefighter wife.

“What’s gotten into you today?” Maya grins. Carina’s lightness is bringing her own lightness to the surface. It’s countering her own darkness and the demons that haunt her.

Carina shrugs.

She looks down at the test though and sees that it is again negative. “Fuck.”

“Really?” Carina sighs heavily with disappointment.

Maya nods and gives Carina a tight-lipped smile. “I’m sorry, babe.” She wraps her arm around Carina and holds her close. The hand that was just squeezing her ass is gone, it moves higher up, gripping at the back of her shirt with a fist.

“I love you.” Maya presses her lips to the top of Carina’s head. “I love you, Carina.”

Her fragile wife cries against her chest and it absolutely breaks what’s left of Maya’s heart. It feels like nothing can go right. Life just continues to beat her down day after day. This is another one of those letdowns.

Carina looks up. She doesn’t see any emotion from her blonde. “Cry, Maya.”

Maya shakes her head. She can’t. She won’t.

The doctor pushes away from the firefighter. “CRY!” She demands.

Maya is surprised by Carina’s yelling and angry outburst. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

“Why won’t you cry?” The brunette cries and stomps to the bathroom. She gets the damn test from the counter and comes back to the doorway. “This is the fourth time.” She raises the test in the air. “Why won’t you cry? Why don’t you have any emotion about this?”

“I do.” Maya whispers and hangs her head. But she can’t cry. It won’t happen. It hasn’t happened in many weeks, despite wanting to on more than one occasion.

“Do you?” Carina is mad. “Cuz all I see from you is this stoic, closed off version. You just say what you think I want to hear. But there is no emotion behind it.” She waits for Maya to say something, but she doesn’t get a response. Carina stomps her feet and growls.

In frustration, she throws the test at Maya. It hits her on the arm and clatters to the floor. She waits for a moment for anything from Maya, but there is nothing. Carina turns and enters the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

Maya can her Carina crying on the other side of the door. She goes to get a glass of water for Carina from the kitchen. She knocks gently on the bathroom door but doesn’t get a response from her emotional wife. Maya makes the decision to push the door open and enter.

“I brought you some water.” Maya sets the glass on the floor next to where Carina is sitting before she opens the cabinets and gets two ibuprofen for her wife. “Take these, please. You are going to have a headache.”

Carina glares at Maya but takes the pills and gulps them down with some water.

Maya squats down in front of Carina and places a hand on the knee. “I love you.” She sighs, trying to find brown eyes but they won’t look at her. “And I’m sorry it didn’t work. I really am. There’s nothing more that I want than for us to have a baby. I am sad that it didn’t happen this time. I want you to know that. I’m sad and I wish it would have worked.”

Carina nods.

Maya is satisfied with that. She presses a kiss to Carina’s head as she gets up. “I love you, Carina.” She knows Carina can hear her, but it feels like the words fall on deaf ears. She pauses a moment before stepping away from Carina and out of the bathroom.

She is making her protein shake when Maya hears footsteps. Looking over her shoulders she sees Carina standing there with a pout on her face.

“Ti amo, Maya.” She whispers. “Mi dispiace.”

Maya holds her arm out, inviting Carina into her space. Carina steps forward and tucks herself against Maya’s chest. Wrapping her up and holding her tight, the firefighter rubs her hands in soothing circles over Carina’s back. She rocks them from side to side.

Carina couldn’t let Maya think that she was truly mad at her or angry with her. Maya didn’t do anything wrong, really. She just wishes Maya would talk more about their failed attempts and her feelings regarding them. The blonde really hasn’t said much since the second negative test. It bothers her to no end, but Maya is here, and Maya is supportive, and Maya loves her. Maya is trying, even though some days it doesn’t feel like that.

“How are you feeling?” The blonde has to ask.

“Better.” Carina frowns. “Well, not better but-“ She shrugs.

“Okay. Is it okay if I take a shower?” She needs a moment to herself before she can go on with her day. Maya was going to have her protein shake and then go for a run while Carina was hold up in the bathroom. But now that she’s out, maybe a shower instead of a run is a better idea.

“Yeah. I can make some breakfast.” The Italian doesn’t want them to be angry or avoiding each other all day. She hopes that Maya will sit down to breakfast with her.

“That sounds wonderful.” She kisses Carina on the cheek and moves back to her protein shake. Once she’s finished with that, Maya hits the shower.

The water cascades down over her. It’s hotter than it probably should be and leaves her skin red. Maya hangs her head, her hair curtaining her face. She growls and bashes the sides of her fists into the tile. Today isn’t going how she had hoped and she still has to deliver the bad news that she has to work an extra shift tomorrow.

Maya feels guilty about it, especially now. She’s taking away their free day, which now, should’ve been a day to mourn another failed attempt. Beckett asked her to work, and she can’t say no. At least, this will put a little extra money in Maya’s pocket. These pregnancy attempts are starting to add up. If she takes a few extra shifts each month maybe that can help counter the cost of the sperm and other things needed for each try. They are going to continue to try so that price is only going to keep rising. She knows Carina has more money and more in terms of funding for this, but Maya doesn’t believe that it should all lay with Carina. They are in this together. She wants to put forth as much as she can. She doesn’t want the financial burden of this to be solely on Carina. That’s not fair just because she makes more money than Maya.

After a few more fists into the tile Maya washes her hair and cleans off her skin before hopping out of the shower.

The rest of their day is spent together. They have breakfast and go for a walk later in the afternoon.

“What do you think we should do?” Carina asks. She wants to continue with trying. She feels like that’s the best option, but she wants Maya’s input. After the test can back negative this time, Maya didn’t say they’ll try again straight away like she has after the other negative tests.

“What do you mean?” Maya glances over at Carina. “We will try again.” She looks at her like she’s crazy for suggesting something other than trying again.

Carina looks down at her feet, ashamed that she lost faith in Maya’s conviction about this. “You just- didn’t mention it this morning- after the test.”

“Oh.” Maya squeezes Carina’s hand. “I’m sorry that I didn’t. I just assumed you knew that. We are not giving up on this.”

“Okay.” Carina leans into Maya’s side, wrapping her hands around her arm. “You don’t have to apologize. I just- I got scared that you didn’t want to try anymore because you didn’t say we will try again.” She pouts.

Maya looks at her wife. She sees that sadness in her eyes. Another failed attempt means Carina is sad again. She hopes it’s only temporary and that the next time will bring happy news; but with each attempt it is harder to get her hopes up for the next test. She knows that Carina takes it just as difficultly as she does, if not more. “I want to keep going. I want to have a baby with you. I want you to have that baby that you dream of. I want to hold and kiss and cuddle a little version of you. A mini Italian menace.”

Carina smiles at that.

“I want that. I do. That hasn’t changed. It isn’t going to change. Is it hard? Yes. Each failure is more difficult than the last but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on us trying.” She furrows her brows and tries to think of something she can say that will get them over this hump, but nothing comes to her.

Carina takes a deep breath. Maya’s words knock her back a bit. Her wife sees each negative test as a failure. That puts some perspective in Carina’s mind to what Maya is feeling and thinking. As hard as it is to hear, it’s helpful.

Maya sees and feels the change in Carina’s demeanor and see the error in her words. “You are not a failure. You are doing everything that you can to conceive a child. I am in no way claiming that any of this has to do with anything you are doing or aren’t doing. It just hasn’t worked yet.”

She stops them on the sidewalk and turns towards Carina. She takes both of Carina’s hands in her own. “I’m all in, if you’re all in.” She wants Carina to know that she is one hundred percent committed to this.

Carina bites her lip at nods. She’s not going to give up on this. It’s her dream to give Maya a baby.

“Good.” She leans in and pecks Carina’s lips. It feels good to reconfirm what they are doing. Maya didn’t know she needed that until now, but she did.

She grins at her wife and her cute conviction. “You know, you are really special.”

Maya raises an eyebrow. The comment seems out of place.

“You’re so supportive. So convicted. I don’t know.” She takes Maya’s right hand in her own, playing with her fingers. “Maybe the bar is too low for partners. And some must overachieve, but I hear from patients a lot of stories about partners who are checked out for whatever reason. They do the bare minimum when it comes to getting pregnant, and during the pregnancy, and after the birth. And I know we are different in a lot of ways to the majority of couples who are trying to have children, but still. I feel your passion and commitment. Maya Bishop doesn’t do anything half assed.”

Maya grins at that. “True.” She turns, continuing them on their walk. “But I feel you.” She doesn’t really want to say anymore about it because Maya isn’t exactly innocent. She’s keeping something from Carina and that’s a very selfish thing to do but she still feels like she can’t tell Carina. If she would have told her when she first threatened Ross and Sullivan maybe it would’ve been alright. But months have passed and each day that passes makes it worse. But that is not the same as being absent or checked out. The best Maya can hope for is that they get pregnant, have a baby, and no one ever brings up the blackmail. Clearly Ross isn’t going to reprimand her. Morally, it’s not the best thing for Maya to do, but what’s done is done.

“Can we go get gelato?”

Maya grins at the idea. “Absolutely. You deserve all the gelato in the world right now.”

Carina chuckles. “I’d get fat.”

“I’d still love you.” Maya winks.

Carina laughs fully. “I love you, Maya.”

“You too.” Maya smiles cheekily and Carina rolls her eyes. “I love you, babe.” She amends her previous statement.

Chapter 77

Notes:

Ciao! I just saw a little clip of Maya and Carina from the upcoming season. They look so cute and so happy. It really put a smile on my face. Here we are... this chapter leads up to episode one of season 6 and then into that episode. My goal is to get into the nitty gritty of the emotions and the thoughts maya and carina are both going through in season 6, especially the first part. There is a lot of material to dig into that i'm excited about. I've already got some of it worked through. I hope you all follow along. i have gotten some comments from folks who are not sure if that can or will follow along and i want to say that is completely okay with me. I want everyone to focus on themselves and their own mental health over reading a story. That being said, there will be dark times ahead. if you have watched the show you know the subject matter.
Thanks to all who read this massive work.

Chapter Text

Maya is all in on baby making.

But Beckett is unrelenting.

She doesn’t understand what his problem is or why he’s out to get her.

After a particularly frustrating day, Maya marches into his office. “Look, I know we don’t see eye to eye. And we aren’t friends. What’s your angle? Why do you have it out for me? It’s clear to me, and probably everyone else on my crew, that you are singling me out to do extra work.”

“Do not come in here and talk to me like that, Bishop.” Beckett folds his hands together and sets them in his lap. He coolly and calmly smiles in Maya’s direction, arrogant as ever. He holds so much power over Maya and he’s going to continue to use it. “A little birdy- a female birdy that has lots to say about everyone’s jobs- told me that you are trying to take my job. Or were.” He smirks because that’s not going to happen anymore. “And that there may have been blackmail involved.”

Maya pales. “W-what?”

“I know, Bishop.” He stands with a slimy smirk on his face. “You.” He points in her direction. “Can’t do anything about it. You will never get this job back. Ross and I will make sure of that. Now, get out of MY office.”

Maya is stunned. All forms of vocabulary evade her. Even if she could find some words, she knows she can’t say them. She has no defense against what Beckett has just said.

In other words, she’s screwed.

A sense of doom overtakes Maya as she exits the office. Anything she feared in recent months has just possibly come true. Now that Beckett knows, it’s possible that anyone else could know. Or that he could just, out of spite, tell someone else on her crew one day.

She thought it was going to be fine, that she was in the clear because Sullivan and Ross never said anything or did anything. Obviously, they have both been cold and distrustful of Maya in the last few months but not to the point of it being a problem. She still has to work with Sullivan. She still has to report to the chief, ultimately.

And now that Beckett knows about the blackmail, Maya feels like it could threaten her career. There are absolutely no missteps Maya can make now or she knows she’s going to be out of a job. The other problem is that Beckett can definitely use this against her, even if Ross couldn’t.

She makes her way up the stairs in a bit of a trance. The thoughts in her head swirl around and around. The fear eats away at her. There is one thought, for a brief moment, where she thinks about telling Carina and asking for advice. But then she remembers the embarrassment and the shame that will come with that along with Carina thinking poorly of her. Among other things.

Heading into the locker room, Maya goes to the sinks. She glances at the mirror and sees how pale she looks in this moment. But she has to look away almost as soon as she sees her reflection. Her stomach flips, she thinks she’s about to be sick. Maya grips at the edge of the sink, trying to steady herself, taking deep breaths.

The klaxon goes off, a call comes in. Without a seconds thought, Maya’s feet are in motion, she runs towards the engine and hops in the back seat just before they pull out of the barn.


After the day she had with Vic and Theo a few weeks ago going around doing inspections, Maya has been focused on getting all of the rules and codes and procedures down to a T. Now that she knows why Beckett is on her, she wants to make sure she has everything perfect and make sure she doesn’t get anything wrong around him. She knows now that he is watching her like a hawk. The lieutenant knows the codes and procedures, obviously well enough to pash a written test and to be captain, but she wants to know them front and back, inside and out. Maya studies every chance she can get. During downtime in the evening on shift, during lunch after she’s finished eating and is waiting for her meal to settle, and in the few minutes when she’s not doing actual physical work.

Her focus increases overall. She starts doing things like extra safety checks of her gear and of the equipment on the trucks. Some might call it hyper focused.

Andy notices. She asks Maya about it. “What’s up with you, Bishop?”

“Nothing. Why?” She looks over the rotary rescue saw to make sure all the nuts and bolts are tight, that the hoses aren’t lose, that it’s not leaking any gas.

“You’re being very-“ Andy hums in search of the correct word. She doesn’t want to offend Maya, but she wants to bring this to Maya’s attention. “Extra vigilant.”

Maya continues her checks. “I just want to make sure everything is up to snuff.”

“It is.” Andy reminds her. “We go over everything weekly.”

“But still-“ The blonde shrugs.

“Are you sure something else isn’t going on?” Andy has her suspicions. Her first worry is that something has happened with Carina or the baby making process.

“I’m sure.” She doesn’t want to seem suspicious or lead anyone to believe that something is wrong. “I want to be extra cautious. That’s all. Have you heard from Carina?” She changes the subject to something that will get Andy off her back.

“Oh yeah. She texted me a little bit ago.” Andy pulls her phones from her pocket. “She said she’d help with dinner.”

Maya nods. She knew her wife would. “Good. I hope Ben will appreciate it.”

“I’m sure he will. Well, maybe not the cake that I’ve ordered that say happy birthday old man on it.” She grins devilishly.

Maya stares over at Andy. “You didn’t?”

Andy shrugs nonchalantly. “I did.”

“Oooh, you’re gonna get it.” Maya shakes her head. She knows Ben is definitely going to have something to say about that cake. She knows he will appreciate the effort for his birthday but isn’t going to like it being pointed out that he is getting older.

Andy claps her hands together. Ben’s birthday only happens once a year and since he’s the oldest it’s been tradition to tease him about it every year. “I know but it’s all in good fun. You think Beckett will celebrate with us tonight given it’s a special occasion?”

“No.” And Maya hopes he doesn’t.

Andy hums in agreement. “Okay, I should go check and see if they are back with the groceries yet.” She is waiting on Theo and Vic to return with the food so she and Carina can start on dinner when Carina shows up.

“Yeah.” Maya nods along. She’s fine with being left alone with her tool check. She’d prefer it actually.

A few hours later, Carina shows up. It’s been a bit of a slow day, but no one is complaining.

She finds Carina in the kitchen by the island chopping something. “Hey.” Maya comes over and gives Carina a peck on the cheek.

“Ciao, bella.” Carina smiles. “How’s your shift so far?”

“Good.” They’ve only had two calls since it started so there’s not much to report.

“She’s been working extra on all the equipment for some reason.” Andy tattles on Maya.

Maya glares at Andy. “I’m just working. Doing normal sorts of things.” Maya walks away from the duo. “I’m gonna go change my shirt.”

Carina pouts. She likes the collared button down Maya has on. It’s formal but not too formal and Carina thinks it looks fabulous on Maya. Always has. And if she’s just going to put a t-shirt on Carina will be disappointed to see the button down go. It’s one of her favorite looks of her wife’s.

At least the pants that fit Maya very nicely in the backside won’t be going.

She whips up a feast for the crew. A stew, some baked veggies, a fruit salad, and she heats two loaves of bread to go with the soup. Carina gets her thanks as everyone sits down with their meals. Her favorite part is getting to sit next to Maya and having Maya’s hand rest on her right thigh while they eat.

Andy gets the cake and puts a few candles in it and lights them. She starts singing as she walks the cake over to the table.

“Come on. Stop.” Ben waves his hands in the air.

Everyone sings along with Andy. They get through the happy birthday song. “Make a wish.” Andy grins.

“Does that-“ Ben points at the cake. “Does that say what I think it says?”

“What does it say?” Theo asks and leans closer to the cake trying to get a peek.

“You’re a little-“ Ben points a finger at Andy and shakes his head.

“Blow out the candles. We don’t need to be in the news because our fire station burned down.” Andy shakes her head. She can take the punishment of whatever Ben is going to say or do to her. It was worth it to see his face and hear his exasperation.

Ben chuckles but then blows out the candles right away.

“What does the cake say?” Carina asks afterwards. Curiosity has gotten the better of her.

“Happy Birthday Old Man!”

“No?” Carina is shocked. She feels Maya’s hand squeeze her leg and knows it’s true. “Andy?” She clicks her tongue at Andy.

The Latina shrugs.

Vic congers up a knife from somewhere and is already cutting the cake. “Hey, I don’t care what it says, as long as it tastes good.” She’s antsy to see what flavor it is. “Uh, marble. I was hoping for red velvet.” The disappointment in her voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

If Vic doesn’t like it maybe she should offer to get the cakes from now on. “Next time you can order and purchase a cake then.” Andy puts her hands on her hips.

“Thanks for the cake, Andy.” Maya pipes up. She wants to make sure Andy knows she, at least appreciates it.

“Yeah, thanks.” Ben smiles gratefully. “You didn’t have to do this.”

Andy hums. “I did. You are the sage veteran of the group, you deserve it.” She is sincere with her words now, no more joking around. Ben is a great leader, he is a great supporter, and an overall good man. He deserves to be celebrated. “Let’s eat. Then presents.”

Everyone has their cake and Ben starts to open a few presents that Andy and some of the guys got him.

Carina leans into Maya’s side. “Should we have gotten him something?”

Maya shrugs. She honestly didn’t remember that Ben’s birthday was coming up. She’s been too focused on procedures and protocols.

Ben gets a shoe horn which everyone laughs about. He also receives a pair of shoes that have Velcro instead of shoe laces. “I’m not that old.” He chuckles, though, in good humor.

Next, he opens a small box. Inside is a picture frame. “Aww, guys.” The picture inside the frame is of him in his wheelchair after his testicular surgery with his basket of gag gifts.

“Let us see.” Maya makes the request.

The picture frame is passed around the table. Carina takes the frame from Travis and looks at the picture. She quickly hands the frame off to Maya. As hard as she tries, Carina can’t help from sniffling and rubbing at her nose. This attraction attention from Maya straight away.

“What’s wrong?” She whispers towards her wife.

That was the day they fought and then she asked Maya to marry her. “Nothing.” Carina shakes her head in a desperate attempt to brush it off, but tears start to fall. “Excuse me.” She gets up from the table and rushes off towards the bathroom.

After Carina’s exit, everyone looks at Maya with expectant eyes. She ducks her head and excuses herself without an explanation.

Maya finds Carina sitting on a toilet with her face in her hands. “What’s wrong, beautiful?” Her words are soft, her touches are light as she kneels down in front of Carina.

“I’m just-“ She sucks up some nose snot. “Emotional.” The doctor looks up at Maya. “It’s all the hormones.”

Maya nods. “Got it.” She rubs her hands over Carina’s knees. “So you needed some time in the poop room to gather yourself.”

Carina smiles, despite her tears. “The poop room?”

Maya shrugs and smirks. “I just want to know that nothing else is upsetting you.”

Carina shakes her head. “No.”

“Good.” Maya gets to her feet. She knows that Carina has been all over the place because of the hormones and it’s honestly hard to keep up with some days. She doesn’t blame Carina for her emotions or her reactions, but she does wish that there were some way that they could have a baby without all the extra emotional drama. Not just for herself and handling it, but for Carina as well. Maya is not positive, but she thinks Carina would also enjoy less emotional swings from time to time.

“Can you stand?” She holds her hands out and Carina lays her palms in Maya’s. The blonde smiles softly as she helps Carina to her feet and pulls her into a hug.

The hormonal doctor clings to her wife. Maya is so tough and so strong that Carina hopes to pull some of that strength from her in his moment. She can usually hold it together on a day to day basis with the extra emotions but then something will happen and she finds herself crying in her office or a supply closet at the hospital or in the poop room at the fire station.

Her hands rubs up and down Carina’s rub as she tries to offer her presence and support to Carina. There’s not much that Maya feels like she can do but be there. So she is. And she feels a little guilty about that because she hasn’t been there for Carina as much as she probably could. She knows there are times when Carina needs her, when she’s sad or emotional, and crying like today and she’s not available because of work or her own stupid pride.

A call comes in, Maya’s ears perk up at the announcement at the same time that she leans back and looks into Carina’s sad brown eyes and gives an apologetic smile.

And Carina knows she has to go. It’s the nature of the job.

The doctor takes a few moments to collect herself after her wife’s abrupt departure and makes sure that there are no more tears before she washes her hands and meanders back out to the beanery. The table is full of empty plates and various silverware and glasses. There are also a small pile of Ben’s birthday presents. Carina cleans up from their meal and puts the food in the fridge before she leaves.

She’ll be back in a few days for a clinic day and she’s looking forward to it, but Andy’s comment about Maya doing extra work lingers with her. She’s also noticed this at home. There are a few other things that are bothering her too, but she doesn’t think they should be brought up and voiced at the station.

She’s getting ready for work when Maya walks through the door the next morning.

Maya hears Carina in the bedroom. “Hey.” She hangs on the doorway and smiles for her wife. “You look-“ She sighs because Carina always looks good. “Great.”

“Grazie, bella.” Carina grins at Maya. “How was the rest of your shift?”

“Mmm.” Maya thinks about it, retrospectively. “Good. That call- when I left- it was a car accident. The driver was trapped, and the car was smoking when we got there. But we got her out and then hosed down the car. No explosions or anything. The driver had a broken leg though, maybe a displaced hip.” Maya frowns. She hates it when people get injured and knows they’ll have a long journey ahead of them to recover. That’s a thousand times better than arriving to a scene with a DOA though.

“So, uh, what did Andy mean when she said you’ve been doing extra?”

Maya feels caught. “Nothing really. She’s just being nosy again. She doesn’t have as much to worry about anymore. She’s all but given up on looking for Jack. Sullivan ignores her as much as he ignores me. It doesn’t matter. I’m just trying to focus on work. So just drop it.” Maya grumbles and moves into the bathroom.

It breaks Carina heart to hear Maya say that and for her words to be filled with so much bitterness and hollowness.

“Maya, I want to support you-“ She gets up from bed and follows her wife into the bathroom

Maya grits her teeth. “I said drop it. I don’t want to talk about being or not being captain anymore. So, please, don’t bring it up.” As much as she wants to be captain, right now, that’s not a possibility and every time it’s brought up it makes Maya mad. “I’m gonna shower.” She eyes Carina until she gets the hint to leave the room.

Once Carina steps back into the bedroom, Maya shuts the bathroom door. She hears the lock turn too.

Never, never in their relationship has Maya physically locked her out. She’s never locked a door to keep Carina out on purpose.

It’s like a slap in the face. It stings.

Carina stares at the door for a moment before looking down at her feet. She hears the water start up in the shower and inhales. Her eyes close and she sway in her place. Something feels off. More so than before. She knows Maya’s been dealing with a lot at work and they’ve been dealing with a lot with the continued tries to get pregnant. But this- this feels different.  The Italian wonders if something happened at work, something that Maya isn’t telling her, something that goes beyond the call with the car accident. She exhales shakily and finally moves from her spot.

Maybe some coffee will help. Carina makes a pot, pours herself a half a cup and pours a whole cup for Maya. Carina makes some toast and gets some berries out, washing those, so they are ready to eat when Maya is done with her shower.

“I made you some coffee. Some breakfast.”

Maya hums. “Thanks.” She takes the coffee and goes to sit next to Carina like she didn’t just kind of bite her head off about the captain thing. “What do you have planned for today?”

Carina tentatively looks over at her wife. She’s not sure what kind of mood she’s going to get out of Maya now. “I have to work a late shift today.”

The blonde nods in recognition. “That’s right. You are filling in for someone.”

Carina nods and sends Maya a little smile in thanks that she remembered. It’s the little things sometimes. To know her partner is listening and cares about the things that are happening in her day to day, at work, brings Carina a sense of ease.

Maya rubs her hand over Carina’s thigh. “Until then?”

“We could go to the market? Do you need to sleep at all, or did you get enough sleep last night?” Carina still wonders if something happened to put Maya so on edge this morning.

“I think I’m good. Let’s go to the market.” Maya fetches the food and comes back to the table to sit with her wife. “Here.” She sets a bowl and plate for Carina and one for herself. “Thanks for making berries.” She smiles cheekily.

Carina gives a timid smile back.

They eat quietly. Carina asks if Ben liked all his gifts, what the last one was, and if they polished off the rest of the cake after their call.

Maya asks if Carina slept well and if she has anything scheduled outside of work with friends for the next week.


The next attempt is coming up. Maya has sort of lost all feeling about doing it. That hope that she had has waned. In her mind, they can’t keep trying forever. The coat of each try is starting to add up and while Carina might be able to afford many more tries, Maya is frustrated that it hasn’t happened and that they keep throwing money at something that hasn’t had any benefits yet. It’s a cycle of hormone injections and sperm deliveries and pregnancy tests. And each time it doesn’t work. It’s wearing Maya down and she doesn’t know how Carina is still so optimistic about this process. She sees the weariness in her wife though. The constant bruises and needle pricks marring Carina’s beautiful skin. The mood swings and irritability. But Carina puts on a smile and bares it all. All in the name of having a baby. She’s putting her body through hell for this so Maya feels like she has to suck it up.

She’s working her ass off at the station just to be the lowest of the lieutenants. Not that there is a difference in any of their rank. They are all equally a lieutenant, but Maya can feel that she’s the lowest of them all. She’s the one that gets all the grunt work. She’s the one that Beckett singles out over the rest of them. It didn’t help when Theo started with them. Another lieutenant to add to the station. And it doesn’t help that Beckett knows about the blackmail.

Maya had wondered if bringing Theo Ruiz in was Ross’ idea to put fear in her. Another lieutenant that could replace her with a snap of the fingers. Theo was a captain at one point too. So that only makes it worse. Her, Theo, Beckett, Sullivan, and Andy all with the experience to be captain. But it feels like her job as a lieutenant still hangs in the balance.

They all know that Beckett is an incompetent drunk. It’s just a matter of time before he does something that Ross can’t let slide and he is fired. No one knows when that time will be though.


The time has come for try number five. Carina tries to collect Maya from the gym, but she keeps punching the bag. Maya is focused on getting her frustrations out by punching the bag and competing with Sullivan. She’s always going to compete with Sullivan.

Carina glances at him and wishes he would evaporate but he doesn’t. She knows if Sullivan is in the gym with Maya that her wife will continue to try to one up him. She’s glad when Andy backs her up and gets Maya to redirect her focus.

They get everything laid out and ready on the locker room counter. Andy is guarding the door. It’s the best that they can do. It’s not an ideal situation by any means, but Carina and Maya both knew this was happening today and it has to happen today. There’s no way around that.

“Let’s do this right.” Maya pulls Carina shirt from her shoulders, trying to get rid of some of the tension between them. Neither wants to be tense at the other but it’s just there, in the air.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Carina pouts and pulls her shirt from her wrists. She’s not sure about this set up but Maya is saying they need to do it right and she agrees with that. Carina hates the amount of bickering they have been doing in recent days, even weeks. She hates that there is a weird tension between them. But she loves Maya, and she knows Maya loves her.

“God theses are tight.” There is a sense of awe to Maya’s words as peels Carina sports bra up and off her chest, her breasts slackening now that they are out of their hold and the blonde takes a hand of one. “You are always so beautiful.” She rubs the pad of the thumb over the nipple.

Carina closes her eyes and hums. “Bella.”

Maya smirks at the effect she’s having on Carina. It never ceases to amaze her. Her hands slide down Carina’s side, stopping at her spandex shorts. “May I?”

“You’re so polite, bella.” Carina opens her eyes. She looks down at the slim space between their bodies. “In here.” She shuffles them into a shower stall. “Some privacy maybe.” Though there is little privacy in an open floor plan locker room. The stall does have a curtain and sides.

Maya nods. “Good idea.” She pulls her tank top over her head, feeling Carina’s eyes on her as the item is removed. Even with all that is going on she feels the attraction that always lies just beneath the surface for them. It’s one of the most exciting things about her relationship with Carina. That it’s always there. That there is always a want needing to be filled. It spurs Maya on further. Her hands strip the remainder of the garments from her body, wanting to be undressed to be able to give all of her attention to Carina. She turns on the water, making sure it’s warm.

“Vieni.” She whispers.

Carina steps forward until Maya’s hands bracket her hips once again. Deft fingers pull her tight shorts down her legs, making her completely exposed. The warm steam from the water starts to fill the space around them. She reaches out and wraps her fingers around the back of Maya’s neck, pulling her into a kiss. She bites at Maya’s lower lip, tugging at it as she pulls back. She grins at her wife as Maya glances up at her.

“Okay.” Maya mumbles and grabs a bar of soap. She rubs that bar over her own skin first. Her arms, chest, stomach, armpits, neck. Then, she rubs the soap over Carina’s skin starting at the spot where her neck meets her shoulder, down her arm, under to her back, over her ass. She steps into Carina’s body, pressing against her. “Soap.”

Carina licks her lips and nods. “No more pig sweat.” Her words a husked whisper as the intensity of the moment starts to get to her. She feels her pulse quicken as Maya moves the soap around her body parts, lathering them up.

Maya smiles. She takes a step back, soaping up Carina’s other arm before moving the bar of soap to Carina’s chest. Their eyes meet as Maya pauses her movements with intention.

Carina takes Maya’s hands in her own. She kisses those hands and then frowns at the taste of soap. She makes a face and sticks out her tongue.

Maya laughs lightly. “Gross, huh?”

There is a subtle nod from Carina.

Maya pulls them under the water again to rinse off. She uses her hands in gentle swipes of Carina’s skin in addition to the water to makes sure there are no more soap suds. “Turn around.”

The doctor raises an eyebrow but does as Maya has requested.

Maya slips her arms around Carina from behind, pressing her front onto Carina’s back. Her fingers tickle over Carina’s belly making her squirm a little. She intends to make Carina squirm a lot as she dips her fingers lower. She traces lightly over lips, dipping inside a little, stroking.

“That feels good.”

“I’m glad.” She whispers in Carina’s ear. “Just feel, babe.”

Carina tips her head back onto Maya’s shoulder and gives into the feeling of Maya’s fingers stroking through her folds, circling her clit, dipping inside, and pressing against her.

She’s a shuddering mess as she comes all over Maya’s fingers. The blonde’s strength is the only thing holding her up. Maya places delicate kisses along Carina’s shoulder and neck as Carina calms and regains her senses. “You’re the most beautiful thing in the entire world.” Her words whispered worship.

Once Carina is back on stable footing, Maya dips out of the stall to get the sperm. She knows they don’t have a lot of time. One, because someone could need to get in here. And two, she could be called out at any minute.

The towel runs over Carina’s body as she dries off. “How is this going to work?” She knows Maya will have some kind of plan.

Maya thinks for a moment. She takes her wife by the hand and leads her to a different stall, one that has a dry floor. They lay down some towels. “Lay down?” She raises an eyebrow. Carina raises both her eyebrows in return, thinking Maya’s idea is crazy. “I cleaned these two days ago. The towel will protect you from the floor. I don’t have a better idea.”

Carina nods with a tight-lipped smile. They have to do this today. She’s ovulating and if they wait until tomorrow, they could miss the window. She gets down on the towel and lays on her back. Maya kneels at her side, sperm in hand. “I love you.” She presses her lips to Carina’s before getting to work on inserting the sperm.

After the sperm are dispensed, Maya swings her leg over Carina so her knees on are either side of Carina’s hips. The doctor’s hands rub up and down Maya’s stomach, finally grabbing at her breasts. Brown eyes stare up into hooded blues, both acknowledging what is about to happen.

“Fuck.” The blonde moans.

“Vieni qua.” Carina knows she can’t move but that doesn’t mean she can’t have a little fun with her wife. She flips her hand over, fingers scratching lightly through a patch of golden curls, until she reaches the spot between Maya’s legs.

It feels like it’s been so long since Carina touched her like this. In reality, it hasn’t been that long at all. A week, but it feels like longer.

Maya tries to relax into the feeling, letting out a long held breath. But just as she does so the klaxon goes off. “Shit.” Maya is to her feet in a flash. She wraps a towel around her body. "I'm sorry."

Andy bangs on the door and tells Maya they need to go.

Carina lies on her back in the shower and puts her legs up in the air, resting her feet against the wall. She had listened as the trucks took off down the road. But now it’s quiet in the station. No one is around. Though, Carina isn’t sure who’s on desk duty today. That person is probably somewhere, but not here, in the showers with her.

After she is dressed, Carina runs into Ben and her question of who stayed behind is answered. She and Ben hear the wind outside and take cover. Carina can’t believe that there is really a tornado outside. Tornados don’t happen in Seattle. There’s usually lots of rain in the rainy season. Gloomy grey skies. Wind too. But not swirling tornado winds, like this.

After it subsides, Carina tries calling Maya, but her call goes to voicemail. She’s worried about her wife’s safety. If a tornado just went through anything could have happened. She knows the team is not far away and would likely have experienced the same sort of event that she and Ben just went through in terror, possibly outside, exposed. She leaves a voicemail for Maya to call her back.

The team comes back. Travis had told Carina and Ben that they were on the way back and that they had found Jack. Carina can’t seem to find it in herself to care. Jack is dead to her now. She’s happy he is alive but doesn’t want anything to do with him trying to get back in her good graces. She might be a little bitter about how he took off and left them hanging. But what’s done is done.

The trucks arrive back at the station. Carina stays off to the side until everything comes to a halt and everyone has an opportunity to disembark and get settled. The last thing she wants to do is ambush anyone after their call, especially if emotions are high regarding Jack.

She listens in as Beckett assigns Maya to engine clean up. And then to Maya as she whines about being on engine clean up last week and again now. There is a comment from Beckett that rubs Carina the wrong away about grunt work and floor mints. It’s clear to her that Beckett is just adding more things to Maya’s to-do list just because.

Once everyone disperses, Carina steps out from the front of the engine. Beckett is still standing there so she decides to address him. “You- you have no right to be a dick to Maya. What is it? You’re such a small man that you feel threatened by her, because she’s a woman who had your job before you?”

“What is it?”

Beckett takes in what Carina is dishing out. It’s funny to him that she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Okay. You know, I’m actually uh- I’m into women with power.” He just wants to make that clear.

“Oh, God. Oh God. Disgusting.” She scoffs. This man is deplorable.

“It’s my thing. Yeah, what I’m not into is my employees committing crimes, blackmailing my chief into firing me, or just, you know, general insubordination. It’s basic physics, Italy. You push me, I push you. Your wife blackmailed the chief, had no proof of anything, and that brings us to today.”

Carina would say something about him calling her Italy but she’s too shocked about the rest of what Beckett says to say anything.

Her first thought after she takes a moment to let his words absorb is that she needs to find Maya and confront her about this. But then she second guesses that. Is Beckett messing with her? But she just saw him add grunt work to Maya’s regular work load. This revelation could bring things into perspective for Carina, though. It explains Maya’s moods when she comes home from work. It explains her enhanced focus on work. It explains a number of things that Carina couldn’t quite figure out. But Carina is upset, ultimately, that Maya blackmailed her boss and didn’t tell her about it. Right now, she’s not sure which things is worse. The blackmail itself or that she was lied to about it for six months.

She’s going to take a few minutes to stew on this before finding her wife and asking her about it.

Chapter 78: Savior

Notes:

Just five days since i posted the last chapter.... but i'm rolling on this story right now.
In this chapter... the roof fight and Maya and mostly Carina's reaction afterwards.
Enjoy!
I pumped the Rise Against song Savior while writing this to get in the right headspace.
It kills me not to know this But I've all but just forgotten What the colour of her eyes were And her scars or how she got them
As the telling signs of age rain down A single tear is dropping Through the valleys of an aging face That this world has forgotten
There is no reconciliation That will put me in my place And there is no time like the present To drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true When I'm constantly failing you Walls that we just can't break through Until we disappear
So tell me now If this ain't love then how do we get out 'Cause I don't know
That's when she said "I don't hate you boy I just want to save you While there's still something left to save" That's when I told her, "I love you girl But I'm not the answer For the questions that you still have"

Chapter Text

Carina tries to put all the pieces together in her head. She tries but it seems so extreme that Maya resorted to blackmail. She’s been in Maya’s corner, but this changes things. She’s not sure if she can back Maya with this revelation. Blackmail is a serious accusation and if that’s the case, Carina has to think about what she wants to do next. Obviously, she wants to talk to Maya about this. Obviously, she needs some answers about what happened but what is the cost of all of this. Maya is clearly being punished by Beckett with grunt work. Has Ross done anything to Maya? And what kind of blackmail was it? Her curiosity has Carina wondering about how this played out.

Her moral compass has her furious with her wife though. This is something Maya did, caused. She created this situation. And why? All because she wanted her job back. It’s ridiculous and not the way to go about it.

After wrapping her head around it, or trying to, Carina searches for her wife. She finds her up on the roof cleaning up debris from the tornado. “There you are.” She mumbles and watches for a moment as Maya tries to collect trash and right chairs.

Maya can hear the edge to Carina’s voice, even with only three spoken words. “I’m busy, Carina.” She tries to shrug off whatever her wife is about to say. “I’m sorry I had to run earlier but we had a call.”

Carina crosses her arms over her chest and waits for Maya to look in her direction. It takes a moment but Maya turns to her, blue eyes narrow when she sees Carina’s posture. “I’m not upset about earlier. What I am upset about is what Beckett just told me.”

The lieutenant stiffens as she is filled with a sense of dread. This is it. She knows it is. “What- what was that?”

“That you blackmailed Ross to get your job back. Why would you do that, Maya?” She raises an eyebrow, challenging Maya to say that she’s gotten the wrong information.

“I didn’t- it wasn’t like that.” She tries to brush it off. It’s a lame attempt but Maya tries to deflect from the situation at hand.

Now Carina knows this blackmail really did happen. “Then what was it like? Tell me.” She demands in a low tone. “Because I can’t understand it. Tell me how it played out.”

The lieutenant sees just how serious Carina is about this. She knows she’s not going to get off easy with this one. That was likely the outcome if Carina ever found out; Maya had just hoped she wouldn’t ever find out. “I just- I wanted to talk to Ross about my position. And I’d been thinking she and Sullivan are sneaking around behind everyone’s back. It was the day of the party for Pru’s adoption.”

Carina’s eyes go wide. “The day I got my green card?”

Maya has enough sense to hang her head in shame. “Yes. I went to find Ross. And she was with Sullivan. I don’t really know what happened. I threatened to expose them in an attempt to get my job back.”

“So you did commit a crime. You did blackmail them.” Carina can see what happened clearer now.

“That’s not what I’m saying. You’re not listening to me.” This conversation is already threatening to push Maya to her breaking point.

“You blackmailed your boss, Maya.” Carina busies her hands with clean up effort.

“I just need you to be on my side. Everyone is against me. For the last six months I’ve been eating crap from everybody. PLEASE, just be on my side.” She doesn’t understand why all of a sudden Carina doesn’t have her back. Carina has been the one that keeps saying she’ll get her job back. Now she seems to be flipping on that.

If Maya wants to talk about the last six months, Carina is more than willing to tell Maya what’s been happening for the last six months. “For the last six months you’ve been keeping this from me. For the last six months you come home miserable, and I don’t know why and when I ask; you deny that anything is wrong with you, and it’s been making me crazy. And now the truth is out and you’re not even the one who told me.” Carina slams the light and hot sauce down on the table.

She can feel herself losing it. The Italian hands come out and her blood pressure raises. Her voice too. “And you need me to be on your side?” She’s been completely blindsided by this and she thinks its rich that Maya is the one demanding she take sides. “You need me to be on your side?”

Maya keeps cleaning and it drives Carina even more crazy. The blonde won’t even stop what she’s doing to talk to her. So Carina continues with the ‘cleaning’ as well.

“This is emotional blackmail, Maya. Which is not entirely dissimilar to what you did to Chief Ross.” She needs Maya to know that; whether her wife sees it as such or not.

“Hey, you know, I was trying to get my job back. Okay.” She wishes Carina could see this from her perspective. “For us. For our family.” She feels like she needs to be captain again so she can provide for Carina and their baby in the right ways.

Carina laughs cynically. “Do not give me that crap. This was for you.” She points an angry finger at Maya.

“You know what, fine.” Maya throws the footrest down in anger. “So what if it was?” If Carina wants to go this route, Maya is willing to argue her point. “Kay, I want my job back. This that a crime?”

“No, but blackmail is a crime. And it’s not even about your job.” She picks up a trash can in her frustration. “It’s- it’s about the chaos.” She turns her back to Maya. “You’re constantly in the middle of chaos.” She doesn’t understand how Maya doesn’t see it. Maya is so intentional with everything she does but she’s blind to the chaos that she’s created. “It’s- it’s- I don’t think you know how to live a normal life.” This point hits Carina in this moment. She holds her arms open like it’s an ah-ha moment. That is it. Maya doesn’t know how to live a normal life. There’s always some sort of catastrophe or chaos or problem that needs to be dealt with.

Maya is exasperated. She can’t believe Carina is coming at her with all this right now.

“It’s constantly up and down and up and down and it reminds me of my childhood. And it’s crazy-making.”

Carina is basically calling her crazy or the cause of crazy. It’s infuriating. She steps forward, into Carina’s space and lets her know how she feels. “Do you know how impossible you are these days? And it’s the hormones, and I get itk and I am patient, but now I’m the one that’s acting crazy. That’s really pot/kettle, Carina.”

Okay, maybe it wasn’t the best route to go with but Carina does feel crazy and she knows Maya has been patient. She sighs and admits to her own emotions. “Yes. The hormones make me emotional. And then yes, when I’m angry, I feel angrier. When I’m sad, I feel sadder. But what you did, there’s no hormones to blame, my love.”

Maya takes a deep breath. She’s really stepped in it. She knows that. Part of Maya knew this would come out some day and that she would than have to face up to it. But a blow-out fight with Carina wasn’t on her bingo card for today. She thought Carina would have more sympathy for her. She paces as she tries to think of a way out of this fight. Maya hates it. She hates it as it’s happening. She hates that they are yelling at each other. She hates that she’s done something to have Carina come at her in this way.

“We were happy.” Carina feels like she’s about to cry. “And you created chaos. We- we were making a baby. I had just gotten my green card.” She picks up a patio umbrella. “We- had happiness. And you needed to wreck it.” Carina throws the umbrella across the roof in clear frustration. “You need to look into that. You need to do some-“

Maya cuts her off. “I need to what?” She’s sick of being told what to do but everyone.

“To fix it.” Carina feels like she’s being ripped in two. “I- I can’t- I can’t live like that. I can’t make a baby with that.” As hard as it is to say, she knows Maya needs to hear it.

“O-oh.” Maya can’t believe it. She’s been so on board with this baby making journey and now Carina is telling her that that’s it. “W-with that?”

“Yes.” She picks up a table cloth in an attempt to distract herself from the breakdown she’s about to have. “With you. Like that.” Carina aggressive tries to fold the table cloth. “If we’re going to have a baby together you need to get help.”

“IF?” Maya can’t believe what she’s hearing. She’d done everything she can in the last six months to help them have a baby. Now Carina is saying that they aren’t going to have one. Or that if there is one, they aren’t going to raise the baby together. That’s what is being implied right now. It terrifies Maya to no end. “Carina, you could be pregnant right now.”

She knows that. They just did an insemination earlier today. “Yes, I could be.” She nods, table cloth folded over her arm now. The tears sting in her eyes. “And that’s why you need to get help.” For her, there is no way this can continue if Maya doesn’t get some help. “For us. Right now.”

Maya is speechless. She clamps her jaw shut as Carina turns and walks away from her.

She throws the table set across the table and it clatters to the floor. It’s inconsequential but it feels good to release even a little bit of the frustration she feels. Maya can’t believe Carina just said all that. She can’t believe she just accused her of creating problems because she needs to have chaos. She can’t believe Carina would threaten to hold a potential baby over her. A chip to get her to do something. A pawn in a game that Maya doesn’t want to play.

Pacing back and forth, and steaming mad, Maya tries to regain her composure. She has to remind herself that she’s at work, on the job, and that whatever just happened she can’t let that ruin the rest of her shift. It takes her at least ten minutes before she feels ready to face anyone again. In that time, Maya cleans up the roof area to the best of her ability. There are a few items that are broken that will need to be replaced but almost everything survived the tornado and just got blown around a little.

When she comes back in off the roof the building seems still, quiet. At first she doesn’t hear the rest of the crew. Maya does wonder where Carina went and if she’s still in the building or if she went home. She doesn’t want to see her right now. Not with her wife just telling her that she’s crazy and needs to get help.

Maya gets to work on the engine cleaning, that Beckett assigned, when she doesn’t find anyone else that needs something from her. The crew was mostly in the lounge gossiping about Jack, about how he was hiding out in their neighborhood, about how much of an ass he was in trying to convince everyone that he was somewhere far away, that he’s been shacking up with Rigo’s widow for the last six months. And Maya didn’t want to have any part in that gossip. She also doesn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

The information boils inside Maya. As much as she wants to not care at all about what Jack has been up to, it grates at her. He took off and left them hanging. No there wasn’t any plan to move forward with Jack as the donor if they needed to try a second time but that was the assumption. Or she thinks that was Carina’s assumption. Maya isn’t sure if it was her assumption or if she just latched on to whatever Carina was thinking. They definitely didn’t discuss it with Jack. That’s for sure.

Not that it matters now. But it was a shitty thing for him to just take off. And for more reasons than just baby making. The whole crew has felt Jack’s absence in one way or another. Some just in larger ways than the rest.

She gets the broom and dust pan to sweep up the pile of mints. Only a few sweep into the pan, the rest stick to the floor. She grimaces and gets down on her hands and knees to pick them off the floor with her fingers.


Carina comes down off the roof. She gathers her things from the lounge and heads for her car immediately. She doesn’t even say goodbye to anyone. How can she when she’s fighting tears the entire way? When her chest aches? When she feels like throwing up?

After her time at the station today, she was going to go home and relax and hope that their latest round of sperm worked. But now, she’s anything but relaxed. And she’s not sure that she wants this try to work. A cruel irony would be if it did end up working on this try. But that’s a thought for another day, a day a few weeks down the road.

Carina feels like her pieces don’t fit with Maya’s right now. Through everything that they’ve been through she’s always felt like their puzzle pieces fit together. But now, she doesn’t. It’s like Maya’s pieces are from a different puzzle suddenly. A more difficult puzzle. Or one she can’t find.

It’s shocking. Carina knows she isn’t over that shock yet. She’s shocked at what Beckett told her. She’s shocked that Maya did something like this. She’s shocked that Maya didn’t think it was a big deal. Surely, not a big enough deal to tell her about. But then again, does one just go around telling people about committing blackmail on their boss? No.

She thought she knew Maya. But maybe she doesn’t really, and that thought is very, very unsettling to Carina. If Maya can do something as vile and illegal as blackmail and then keep it to herself for six whole months; does she even know her wife at all. Has she been living a lie the entire time she’s been with Maya? That thought makes her stomach lurch.

The rage she feels inside is intense. She hasn’t felt this angry in so long. There is hurt mixed in there too. How could Maya do something like this? The blonde says it’s for their family. But the way Carina sees it, it’s against their family. This could torpedo any family they wanted to have together.

She’s angry and upset and confused and scared and hurt. She wonders if hurt and upset are the same thing in English. Upset could encompass a number of feelings. Hurt seems more specific to her. There is a deep pain that splits her chest. She feels lied to, betrayed, in a sense. There was this secret living with her for the last six months.

Regardless, her mixed up, stirred up emotions don’t allow her to sleep. She tosses and turns and rolls and flops. She spends twenty minutes staring at Maya’s pillow and then another twenty minutes scowling at it. Her teeth grind together in her inside mouth. A headache has formed at her temples.

The ceiling is a favorite of hers too. Carina stares at it for minutes on end as thoughts run through her mind. Thoughts of anger mostly. She’s angry she didn’t know. She’s angry that Maya didn’t tell her. She’s angry that this has been kept a secret from her for all these months. She’s angry at the fire department. She’s angry that they took away Maya’s captaincy and then did absolutely nothing as far as an investigation or a hearing to settle things. She’s angry that those things and this new female chief have caused Maya to lash out and resort to blackmail.

She grabs Maya’s pillow and hugs it to her chest as she stares at the ceiling. The same angry thoughts ferment in her brain. Over and over and over. She stews about them for hours.

Sleep never comes.

And then the anger shifts as she starts wondering why. Why did Maya resort to blackmail? Not only was it stupid, careless, and reckless; it was illegal. And what’s going to come of it? Are charges going to be brought? Is Maya going to be arrested and jailed? Is there going to be a trail? Is she going to lose her job entirely? Not only has her wife done this thing that could have major consequences for her professionally, but it has major consequences for them personally.

If all of those things happen is Maya going to go to jail or prison if convicted? And what would that mean for them as a couple? She, of course, told Maya that she didn’t know if she wanted to have a baby with her if she was going to cause chaos like this, but what if she is pregnant. What if it worked this time and she is pregnant and then what? What does she do with a wife that is convicted of a crime, fired from a job, and in prison?

The what if’s keep her up for a few more hours. A little bit of disbelief is tangled in with all her thoughts. She can’t believe this happened and she didn’t even know about it. She can’t believe this is happening now. She can’t believe Maya would stoop to that level. Yes, the firefighter was backed into a corner but to lash out in such a reckless way. It’s almost incomprehensible.

But Carina, as she knows Maya, can understand that pain and hurt that her wife is living with. She can understand the pressure. She can understand being treated unfairly. She can understand the humiliation that Maya has gone through. And Maya is tough and Maya is strong. At least to a certain extent. But everyone has their breaking point. And her beautiful bambina broke in the worst ways. And Carina feels the hurt all over again, this time for Maya. All these months since the blackmail and Maya has been hiding this. Maya has been keeping it a secret from her for six whole months. That’s a half a year.

She blinks a few times as it hits her again. Six months ago- on the day Carina got her green card. And it feels an awful lot like betrayal now.

Her eyes sting as the tears form. Carina flops onto her back, smashing Maya’s pillow into her face as the tears stream out. It’s the first time she’s cried. Really cried. Not just a few angry tears leaking out like they did as she was leaving the station. But full on sobs.

Why? That’s the question that hits Carina now. Why did this happen? Why did this have to happen? Like she told Maya, they were happy. And now this.

On what was a happy day, is now tarnished forever. The day she got her green card is forever ruined by this blackmail. It was such a good day and she had no idea what was going on in secret. It was a day of celebration. It was a day of relief. But now it just was another day with a happy event that is tainted.

Just like their wedding day.

The tears come and they don’t seem to want to stop. Carina wets her pillowcase and Maya’s with them. She wonders if it’s always going to be like this. Something good will happen for them and right afterwards something bad. The day she got her green card, their wedding day, the day she was supposed to leave for Italy. Though that day was bad then good. But both were still rolled up into the same day, the same short space of time. One right after another. Then there was the day Andrea died. All days where something good, something worth celebrating for one of both or them had occurred, is overshadowed by bad.

Is this their curse?

Is this something more?

Is it a sign?

Or is it just coincidence?

But Carina knows coincidence is just that. It’s random. It doesn’t keep happening. So for her this isn’t coincidence.

They’ve been married two years. Last year on their one year anniversary Dean died. Carina adds that to the list. The more she thinks about it maybe it is the universe trying to tell or show her something.

They are trying to have a baby and each time it has failed to work. She knows the chances are fairly low but right now she adds that as another thing to the pile of very bad things.

Her and Maya’s second wedding anniversary is next week and Carina has no idea on how to go about it. She has no idea how to go about right now. Or tomorrow. Thinking of tomorrow, she looks at the clock on the nightstand. It already is tomorrow. It’s after two in the morning and she has to be to work at nine, so that’s not ideal. Carina hasn’t slept and she doesn’t know how she’s going to deal with the thoughts swirling her head, the uneasy feeling in her gut, or the fact that everything in her life feels uncertain now.

But thinking of tomorrow she knows where it’s already further into tomorrow.

With a huff and then a deep breath Carina wipes the remnants of the tears from her eyes and sucks up her snot and makes a phone call. Maybe she can get some advice.

“Ciao, tesoro.”

Gabriella’s voice is quiet but even. It’s familiar and just what she thinks she needs right now. What Carina really needs is a non-lying, non-blackmailing wife, but that’s what she’s stuck with.

“Hi, Gabri.” She sighs dramatically.

Gabriella picks up on Carina’s mood immediately. It’s hard not to with Carina’s loud antics. She knows her friend has been more hormonal because she and Maya are trying for a baby but she’s not certain if this mood is solely because of the hormones or if something else is going on. “Why do you sound so sad?”

Carina bottom lip quivers.

“Did something happen where you missed the window?” Gabriella knows Carina and Maya had another try at getting pregnant coming up. She had even expected this call to be about how it went. But she didn’t expect sadness straight away.

“That’s not it.” Carina shakes her head as she starts to think that calling was a bad idea. She doesn’t know if she can get through this conversation right now without breaking down. At the same time, she doesn’t know how she is going to get through work tomorrow, today, either.

“Something did happen. But it’s not about baby making.” Carina finally confesses.

“What? Tell me.” Gabriella hates to be left hanging. She stands from her desk chair and starts to pace her office space as all sorts of worst case scenarios play through her mind. Things that involve a certain firefighter getting hurt at work. “Is Maya okay?”

“No.” Carina scrunches up her face.

“WHAT?”

“I mean-“ She’s not sure that she wants to reveal everything to Gabriella now that she’s at the point in the conversation where it is required. And maybe she shouldn’t. She knows Maya wouldn’t like it if Carina just aired her dirty laundry.

Gabriella panics. “What happened?”

“She’s okay. Phsyically, at least.” She rolls her eyes in annoyance at her wife. Carina always has a little bit of worry for Maya’s physical health while on the job. But it’s her mental health that she’s now concerned more about.

Nothing makes sense and she doesn’t like how Carina only responds with short answers. “You’re being very cryptic. I don’t like it. What is going on?”

“It’s a lot.” Carina sighs again in exasperation but that’s how she feels. “And I don’t know what to do. And I yelled at Maya about it. And that makes me feel horrible because I don’t want yell because I don’t want to become my parents. But-“

“But what?”

“But what if it’s happening? What if Maya and I are becoming my parents? What if our marriage is doomed? What if we continue down this path? What if I stab her in the hand with a fork? What if it all falls apart?” She’s starting to spiral.

“Don’t let it.” Gabriella says plainly. “What happened?”

She tries to tell Gabriella what happened without going into too much detail about it. “Maya did a bad thing and then kept it a secret from me for six months. Not only am I mad about what she did, I’m mad that she kept it a secret. I yelled at her for causing this chaos in our lives. We’re trying to have a baby and I didn’t even know about this. What does that say about us? That she doesn’t trust me and, now I, in turn, can’t trust her to have a baby with.” Carina tries to explain.

Gabriella gasps. It seems extreme for Carina to be saying this about Maya but whatever happen must have been bad. “What did she even do? Break the spaghetti in half, or something? Does she still make terrible coffee?”

Carina smiles, despite the terrible feelings she has. “She blackmailed her boss.”

“Che cazzo?” Gabriella can’t believe it. That’s really low behavior. She knows Maya’s been put through the wringer, but to stoop to that level. “Good for you for yelling at her. Did you banish her to the couch too?” She tries to lighten the mood with another joke.

“No. She’s on shift. I’m home alone.” Carina shakes her head. “I just found out tonight, last night, last evening. I was at the station and her captain was the one who told me actually.”

Gabriella hums. “I’m sorry this is happening, tesoro.” There’s not much she can say to offer comfort to her dear friend. She knows Carina loves Maya to pieces but this seems like a major blow to their relationship.

“Me too.” Carina sighs. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t really know what happened. Obviously, Maya never told me about it.”

Gabriella scoffs, incredulous. “Honey, I’m home. You’ll never guess what I did today. I blackmailed my boss.” She chuckles dryly. “It’s not like that would just come out in casual conversation.”

“Not once in six months? Doesn’t she feel guilty about doing it?” It occurs to Carina just now that maybe Maya doesn’t feel guilty. “Oh!” That’s a whole other disturbing thought. What if Maya is proud that she blackmailed her boss?

“I’m sure she does and that she was too ashamed to admit she did this thing.” Gabriella tries to be the voice of reason. From the few times she’s been around Maya she didn’t get a cocky vibe from her. Confident yes, but not overly so that the point that it comes off as arrogant or unforgiving. This really is more than she had thought when she answered the phone today but she wants to be there for her friend.

She should have known it wasn’t going to be baby making related by the time of day. It’s the middle of the night for Carina. “Have you slept at all tonight?”

“No.”

She isn’t surprised by Carina’s answer.

“What if you were, right?” Carina bites hard at her bottom lip.

“About what, tesoro?”

“Two years. Our two year anniversary is next week, and I might be married to a criminal. Am I going to be getting divorced two years after getting married?” The conversation she had with Gabriella from the cab on the way the airport rings in her head.

“Carina, I-“ Gabriella doesn’t know what to say. She knows Carina is committed to her marriage, committed to Maya, and what they have. For the most part, it is a beautiful thing, but this is a big bomb. “I’m not sure what to tell you but I don’t think you should be thinking about divorce. I think your marriage is strong and not at all like your parents. I think that maybe waiting to see how things play out might be the best option. How severe is this blackmail thing?”

“Apparently, Maya threatened to expose her chief for sleeping with one of the firefighters at Maya’s station.” The affair that Ross and Sullivan are having isn’t news to Carina. She and Maya have talked about it. But she didn’t think it would be used by Maya against them. It just seemed like a icky thing that was going on that shouldn’t have been.

“Che cazzo?” She groans. “She should report them. Cuz that can’t be- proper. Like there are rules against that. But blackmail?” Gabriella tries to grasp the situation, but it seems super messed up.

“Against the chief to- I don’t know- get her captaincy back. But I don’t see how that would’ve happened even with the blackmail. And I do wonder if I have played a roll in the decision to blackmail. I would tell Maya all the time that she would get her captaincy back. I believe in her, I tried to give her that confidence that it will happen and that it can happen. Did she go too far because I’m pushing? Am I pushing for something that’s not going to ever happen? Am I giving her false hope. Is that part of this. Am I-“

“Carina!” She stops this silliness. “You are not to blame for this. You believe in your wife. Every spouse should be so lucky that they have someone behind them like you are for Maya. She got shafted. That’s for sure. But she’s the one who resorted to potentially illegal tactics. That’s not on you. She is responsible for her actions.”

The words cut like a double edged sword.

Maya is responsible. And whatever the punishment it could have lasting effects for them both.

Carina is a doctor and while what she does outside of work shouldn’t matter with what happens inside the hospital; Maya actions could have a ripple effect onto her and Carina knows it. It could ruin her good reputation being married to someone who could potentially be charged with a crime.

“I know it’s a lot. But, Carina, you should try to get some sleep. Even if it’s only a couple hours. You have to work in the morning?”

“Si.”

“Okay. I love you. You are strong. Don’t let this get you down too much. If nothing has been done about the blackmail in six months, what are the odds soemthing will happen at this point? Also, unless there are secret recordings for this conversation. I think it’s hard to prove. He said, she said sort of thing. That’s doesn’t mean something can’t happen though. I know those assholes at the fire department there like to drag things out. Stay strong. Focus on your work. Worry about mammas and bambini for now. The rest is just distraction.” She knows it’s not going to help because Carina will still think about everything, but Gabriella doesn’t know what else to say. It’s not every day that your best friend comes to you asking for advice on their spouse’s potential crime, or at the very least, a punishable or fireable offense.

“Thanks for listening Gabri. I love you.” She sighs with uncertainty whether this phone call has been helpful or not. At least, she has gotten it off her chest and that makes Carina feels a tiny bit better.

She thinks everything over and maybe she is overreacting to the blackmail. Maya did a horrible thing. She did a bad thing. Something that never should happen. But criminally and in a court of law, is there really a case? If it was just a threat and nothing else came of it, is there anything the law can do?

Within the fire department, that’s another case. Maya’s job could be in jeopardy. That’s why she is in this position to begin with. Carina knows that Chief Ross has no intention to let Maya advance within the department. She has her hopes though. She thought that if Maya worked hard and kept her head down, showed how hard she worked, let her skills do the talking, that Ross wouldn’t have any choice but to promote Maya at some point in the future.

She feels like she’s let Maya down. Maybe they should have fought more when Maya got demoted, and then again, when there was no investigation. Maya didn’t want to cause more upset for the department. Maya didn’t won’t to cause more controversy for herself by pitching a fit, or possibly suing the department. Maybe they should have fought more, though. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened then.

Carina takes a deep breath and then rolls onto her side. It all seems so out of order. Nothing makes sense anymore.

She is upset. She yelled at Maya. All because it felt and feels like Maya has done something that could jeopardize their future. That’s the main thing to Carina right now. This could topple any kind of future that they could have. And Carina has every right to be upset about that. It’s going to take a while to get over her upset and hurt. Carina knows she will eventually. But they are trying to start a family and it’s threatened to be ripped away from her before it even begins. Maya has done that and that’s a pill that Carina is going to have to swallow somehow.

Chapter 79: Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet

Notes:

Hello again. Thanks for all the comments, kudos, and love for this still. It's phenomenal.
This is kind of the end of 6.01 yet and then into and through 6.02.

Chapter Text

Anger.

That fucking anger that Maya can’t seem to get rid of no matter how hard she tries stays with her now. She runs on the treadmill, and it won’t go away. She lifts weights, and it won’t go away. She scrubs the fire truck. She stacks hoses. She polishes gear. It won’t go away. Every day she has tried to get it to go away. Every day for a long time, months. Months and months. But it sits with her.

Maya doesn’t even know how long it’s been with her. Since the blackmail. Before the blackmail. Since Ross said she won’t be captain again. Since Ross promoted Sullivan back up to Lieutenant. Since Ross showed up and said she wasn’t going to run the department like the men before her and then ran the department like the men before her.

She thinks it’s probably been with her before that. Since her wedding night. Before that, when Andrew died. When she cheated on Carina. When she took the captain position, and nobody respected her. When she ran at the Olympics on a sprained ankle.

The anger has probably been with Maya as long as she can remember. It comes and goes. When things are going well in her life it stays hidden. But when things are bad, the anger is right there like a devil on her shoulder. It sits and festers. And the anger usually comes from different sources but the core, the root of it, is that it’s always there.

It bubbles and churns inside of her until something big enough triggers it to come out.

Tonight, it was Carina.

Not specifically Carina but what Carina said about how she causes chaos.

And she causes chaos because of the anger.

Sweet, innocent, wonderful Carina. Her wife flipping on her and accusing her of creating chaos when Maya feels like she’s constantly trying to prevent the chaos around her from expanding is something she didn’t expect.

After Maya is done with the mints she starts on the engine. She gets a bucket and sponge and starts washing every inch of the massive machine.

It’s late and everyone is doing- Maya doesn’t know what they are doing because they’ve steered clear of her. And she’s steered clear of them. It’s mutual.

She’s made enemies. Maya knows that. Sullivan and Ross mainly. It’s fine. They don’t have to like each other. They don’t have to be friends. They can despise Maya and think she’s the scum of the earth. She hasn’t been on friendly terms with Sullivan since, well, he tried to throw her under the bus so he could be captain.

She grinds her teeth together as she scrubs. What now feels like a permanent scowl sits on her face. Maya doesn’t need them. She doesn’t need anyone. Her father taught her that. She can be successful all on the own. She didn’t need them when she first became captain and she succeeded at that.

Until she didn’t.

The blonde growls and shakes her head. She just needs to work harder, study the protocols more, take extra shifts, prove that she’s a damn good firefighter. Maya will make them see. She will make them all see. Andy and Theo with their smugness from surviving 23. Beckett with his complete incompetence. Sullivan with his better than everyone attitude. She’ll show them that she has what it takes and then some.

Maya scrubs and scrubs and scrubs. The hours pass.

The aid car gets called out. Andy and Ben come running into the barn. Maya stands back, getting out of their way.

Herrera gives her a questioning look.

“I’m cleaning.” She glares at Andy, daring her to argue or say anything. Andy doesn’t.

The aid car drives off and Maya returns to her activities.

The aid car returns sometime later, and Maya is still working on cleaning the engine.

“Bishop!” Andy uses her stern captain voice on Maya.

“Yes.” She doesn’t straighten up or turn toward Andy.

“Look at me, Bishop.”

Maya frowns but sets her sponge in the bucket before getting off her knees and turning towards Andy. She raises an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Put that bucket and sponge away and get to bed.” It’s the middle of the night and Maya hasn’t gotten any sleep yet, despite not being out on any calls.

“But-“

“No. I don’t want to hear it. It’s been a long day.” Andy softens. She sighs as she puts a hand on Maya’s shoulder. Maya flinches but doesn’t pull away. In Andy’s mind, that is good. “How did it go with you and Carina earlier?” She was a little surprised that they had trusted her with knowing that they were trying to have a baby. But Jack is the one who told Andy, so she already knew. And then when Jack went MIA she couldn’t help but ask Maya about it.

The blonde clenches her jaw. How dare Andy bring up Carina? How dare she say something about her wife?

“Don’t talk about her.” She growls through gritted teeth.

Andy’s steps away from Maya. “What?”

“Nevermind.” Maya pulls away, turning, jogging ahead of and away from her. She doesn’t need to deal with Andy right now.

As she lies in her bunk, all Maya can think about is Carina now that she doesn’t have something else to occupy her thoughts. About the words Carina used and said. About how angry Carina was. She does wonder if it was blown out of proportion because of the hormones. Maya can’t be sure, but she’s never seen Carina like that before. Sure, Carina has been angry and hurt about things before but never to that level.

Part of her feels bad. Maya didn’t want to get into a fight with her wife. That’s the last thing she wants. But tensions have been high with the hormones and the baby making process and with her work drama. She wanted her personal life and her work life separate, though. She wanted to keep what was happening at work away from Carina as best as she could. Clearly, that was a failure. It blew up in her face. She can’t even be mad at Beckett for telling Carina and can’t help but think she made the wrong decision. She, now, feels like she should have been the one to tell Carina.

Maya only gets a few hours of sleep before they are called out to an early morning car crash in the fog. It’s a two vehicle accident with two patients that need to be transported to the hospital. They are back to the station just after six in the morning with less than two hours to go in their shift.


Morning comes with scratchy, bloodshot eyes, a headache, and dry mouth.

It’s from the crying, Carina knows. She gets up and makes sure she is out of the apartment before Maya gets home from work. The last thing she wants right now is another fight about- anything really. So, she gets ready for work and leaves as quickly as she can. She knows it’s petty to avoid Maya right now, but she just can’t do another fight.

When Maya’s shift is over she heads home with a bit of trepidation. She’s not sure what she’s going to find. She has been going over her apology to Carina in her head again and again. She’s not sure what to say exactly other than that she’s sorry for yelling at Carina. And that she sorry for lying to her and keeping the blackmail from her but she’s not sure that will make things better.

Maya sighs. It wasn’t her intention. Well, it wasn’t her intention to blackmail the fire chief. She was just at the end of her rope. Nothing was going Maya’s way, and she wanted some control back. Blackmail was that control. It was an impulse, and she totally didn’t think it though. Maya knows it’s wrong. She knows what she should’ve done. How she should have gathered evidence and reported Ross and Sullivan through the proper channels. But her emotions got the better of Maya. And the stress of her situation made her desperate.

And then it was done. It was out. She had confronted Sullivan and Ross, and she couldn’t take it back. Maya wanted to take it back. Maybe not immediately but the next day.

It’s not like she’s proud of that moment. She is ashamed of her actions and that’s why she wanted to keep it from Carina. How could she tell her wonderful wife that she just committed a crime?

Maya even looked up the penalty for said crime. A federal crime. A federal crime that she could spend a year in prison for.

After that, Maya kept the information tight to her chest, so no one would find out. So, she wouldn’t have to go to prison.

Except Ross and Sullivan knew. And somehow Beckett found out. Maya was terrified that more people are going to find out. She’s terrified that the wrong people were going to find out. So, a secret it became. A secret or a lie. Or both.

Carina sees it as a lie. Maya knows that much.

Other than that, Maya doesn’t know anything else on how Carina is feeling and that eats away at her.

She opens the door to their apartment and swallows thickly, readying herself for more fighting and yelling. Or maybe it will be the silent treatment this morning. She knows Carina is mad at her. She accepts that.

The door is closed, and Maya looks around. The apartment is quiet, eerily so. She walks further into the room looking around for any signs that might clue her in on her wife’s mood. She doesn’t find anything that could help.

“Car-“ She chokes on Carina’s name, not able to get the entire thing out. Maya ducks her chin to her chest, closing her eyes, and taking a deep breath.

She moves to the bedroom, figuring Carina is in there. But she pushes the door open, and the room is empty. Maya checks the bathroom. Again, no Carina. She checks all the rooms and Carina isn’t anywhere to be found.

She goes back to the bedroom and sits on the end of the bed. Her hands rub up and down her thighs. The feeling in her chest is tight like she can’t take a breath. She hasn’t felt like this is a long time. She knows it’s the start of a panic attack. Maya closes her eyes and clamps her teeth tight together taking deep breaths.

After a few minutes the tightness loosens, and she breathes a little easier.

Maya doesn’t know where Carina is. At work, she assumes, but it’s earlier than Carina usually leaves for work. She checks her phone and there are no message. She walks into the kitchen and there is no note. She sighs. She’s knows then that she really fucked up this time.

Usually, they pass each other in the morning after a shift. Maya will come home, they will share a kiss, sometimes a quick hug, a few words about how each of their nights went and then Carina will gather up her things, maybe have a quick bite to eat, and then be off to work with coffee in hand.

There’s none of that now.

Carina told her that she needed to get help. And on some level Maya knows that. She stopped going to see Diane after Ross told her she wasn’t going to be captain again. She didn’t see a point after that. Diane wasn’t going to give Maya her job back. Diane was nothing more than someone she complained about her problems too. She didn’t see any point in going to see her anymore if she wasn’t going to be captain again.

As Maya strips her shirt off, she wonders what Carina would say if she were here right now. Would she banish Maya to sleep on the couch? Would she tell Maya that she needs to find somewhere else entirely to sleep until she gets help? Maya isn’t sure how far this ultimatum goes and part of her is afraid to find out. She knows she’ll be in the dog house for a long time. Maybe forever.

The idea that Carina could leave her has crossed her mind. And she wouldn’t necessarily blame Carina either. She has been horrible and insufferable. She knows it’s a real possibility and somehow, it’s not the worst thing about all of this.

It’s not the possible prison time, it’s not Carina divorcing her. It’s the thought that Carina could be pregnant and that, if she is, Maya could have little to no claim to a possible child that she wants, that she and Carina have been trying for months for, that she has put so much effort towards.

It would be the ultimate devastation. More devastating then every failed attempt. More devastating than spending a year in prison and, likely, more devastating than being divorced by the love of her life.

If Carina is pregnant and a baby comes along, and she doesn’t get to be there for that child, she doesn’t know what she’ll do.

The problem is that Maya has brought all of this on herself. She has no one else to blame but herself.

No one has her back. Absolutely no one. Maya wonders if this is how it’s going to be moving forward. She knows it will be a lonely existence but not one that she wants, ultimately.

Thoughts of her father wander into her brain. She could track him down. He always had her back. He would know what to do in this situation. It would probably be the wrong thing to do but it would be something. A start. A point to move forward from.

Eyes forward.

Maya tucks into bed and lays on her left side. She stares at Carina’s pillow as the tears start to seep from her eyes.

She doesn’t know what to do or where to turn. Everything and everyone are against her. It would be so nice to just throw in the towel and jump into the clouds. It would be so easy.

When she wakes up from her nap, Maya feels a little better. Everything doesn’t seems so ominous. Things aren’t as suffocating or feel like they are closing in around her. Maybe there is a little hope left. Maybe she can do something nice for Carina to show that she is trying and that she cares.

The dinner she cooks isn’t fancy by any means, but it is something that Carina loves. Pasta alla Norma. A wonderful mix of vegetables and pasta. Easy enough to make and something that Maya hopes will help in her effort to apologize to her wife.

The meal is a peace offering and Maya has it all prepared for when Carina arrives home from work. She paces the apartment as she waits for Carina. There are thoughts of texting Carina and saying that she’s cooked them dinner or that she is waiting to see her, but Maya feels like those texts would be ignored at this point.

So, she paces and watches the clock. The minutes tick by. First, past the time Carina is set to finish work and then past the time it would require for Carina to get home. The minutes stretch into over an hour and Maya finally gives up on the idea that her wife is coming home for dinner. Her thoughts turn to what if’s. Did Carina get caught up in a surgery or a case? Did Carina go out with colleagues for drinks after her shift? Is Carina straight up avoiding her and not coming home?

When the door finally cracks open, Maya jumps to her feet. She hovers in the kitchen, eager, but not wanting to seem too eager.

The doctor removes her coat and shoes and sets her bag down by the door. She can smell food and knows that Maya has cooked something. There is a little bit of a twinge in her heart at that. Maya, potentially, cooked something for them to eat for dinner despite their blowout fight less than 24 hours ago.

She enters the kitchen and spies Maya standing there. She’s hard to miss. The blonde stands with her hands clasped together behind her back and a smile tight-lipped, uneasy smile on her lips.

“I made us dinner. Pasta alla Norma.” It’s almost a whisper from Maya. All parts timid, unsure, and nervous.

Carina looks past Maya to the pan on the stove. She gives a curt head nod. “Thank you.” She takes a step backwards. “I’m going to shower.”

“But-“

Carina puts a hand up, stopping Maya. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to fight. I’m going to shower. Thank you for making dinner.”

Maya pulls her lips to one side and nods. Her heart breaks a little that Carina doesn’t want to have anything to do with the food that she prepared, or her, really. She doesn’t argue though because Carina said she didn’t want that. Maya doesn’t want that either, so she leaves it be.

Not sure what to do once Carina is in the shower, Maya packs up the food and puts it in the fridge. With a sad sigh she shuts the door and moves to the bedroom. It seems neither of them will be having any dinner. Maya doesn’t want to eat what she made if Carina isn’t going to have any. That was the whole point in making the dish. So now it goes uneaten in the refrigerator.

She changes into pajamas and slips into bed. It’s early yet but, again, Maya isn’t sure what to do. Does she wait for Carina to come to bed? Approaching Carina in the bathroom doesn’t seem like an option. Carina didn’t ask to be left alone but that’s the feeling that Maya got from what little her wife did say.

Playing Solitaire on her phone, Maya waits in bed. Carina comes in to get some clothes and goes back into the bathroom to change into those clothes. It’s all so odd and tentative. It’s like walking on eggshells around each other and Maya hates it. She wants to yell and scream that it’s ridiculous and that she’s had enough and ask if they can just move past this and go back to normal.

But it also feels like an appropriate punishment from Carina.

After a few rounds of her game, she hears Carina out in the kitchen. It hurts to know that Carina is probably heating up the food that Maya made for them but hasn’t bothered to ask Maya to join her. But Maya remains in bed. In fact, she quits Solitaire and tucks herself in and turns out the light.

Carina scrolls through the news as she waits for the food to heat up. It was still slightly warm when she took it from the fridge so it shouldn’t take as long to heat up, but it still takes a few minutes. She thinks about how Maya went to the effort of making a meal perhaps in the hopes that they could sit down eat together, and talk. Carina isn’t interested in talking though, unless, Maya says she’s going to get help. That’s the only discussion she’s willing to have to this point. As ridiculous as that sounds, she can’t back down from her stance. Maya needs to do something to change the way things are going especially if they are going to have a child together, as fair or unfair as that may seem.

What’s worse is that the food is delicious. Her wife did an amazing job with a dish that Carina loves. She eats two helpings she enjoys it so much. She also hasn’t had anything else to eat since early in the day so there is extra hunger there that she has to feed.

She’s avoiding Maya and avoiding going to bed. She knows Maya is going to want to say something as soon as she gets to bed so she waits until the blonde is asleep. It’s very small of her but it is Carina putting her foot down. She doesn’t want to talk to Maya unless it’s about getting help or seeing a therapist.

Carina finally makes her way to the bedroom well after she knows Maya has fallen asleep.


The alarm went off a solid five minutes ago but neither one of them has gotten up. Carina can feel that Maya is awake behind her. She has her back to the firefighter and can’t muster up the strength or courage to roll over and address Maya.

They lay in silence together neither knowing what the next step is.

After a few minutes of debating what to do, Maya rolls over and starts to wrap her arm around Carina. She knows she needs to apologize yet, but she needs to feel her wife. She needs to feel Carina’s reaction to her touch because Carina always, always reacts positively to her touch.

Except, Carina pulls away and gets out of bed. Maya nearly gasps as she watches Carina go into the bathroom and close the door behind her.

It’s a crushing blow to Maya’s soul. It’s like all the wind is sucked up of her and only a hollowness remains. And in that hollow empty feeling Maya sits up and looks down at her running shoes at the end of the bed.

She’s out of bed in a flash, shoes on her feet, and she’s leaving the apartment without a word or a note for Carina.

Maya enters the gym when she gets to the station. Her run took are around and around the neighborhood and finally to the station.

“Didn’t I see you running into work when I was driving in?” Ben nods in Maya’s direction as she enters the gym.

“Yeah, that was my warmup.” She gets on the treadmill and starts a new run. This one longer than the thirty minutes she did on the way to work.

Maya focuses on her steps, trying to stay out of her head. It works. With each pound of her foot on the belt of the treadmill Maya keeps a blank headspace. That way she doesn’t have to think about and envision Carina pulling away from her over and over and over again.

It works until Beckett forces Maya to file Crisis One paperwork. A task usually done by Vic.

That’s where Andy finds Maya sorting through the paperwork, and she asks about what she just heard. That she wants to know that it’s not true that she tried to blackmail the chief.

Maya sighs. “Did Carina tell you that?”

“No, people are talking.” Vic told Andy, not Carina, but that brings Andy to wondering even more about this blackmail thing with Maya. “Wait, why would your wife tell me that?”

“She thinks somethings wrong with me.” Maya has no sense in hiding it now. It’s clear that blackmail thing is out, this will be too eventually. Everyone is going to know her personal business now.

“If you blackmailed the chief, then, yeah, I might have to agree.”

She simplifies it for Andy. “I just wanted my job back.”

“So, you thought- you thought blackmail was the way to do that, huh?”

“I saw an opportunity, so I took it.”

“What opportunity?’

“You’re already looking at me like I’m scum, so nevermind.” Maya wants this conversation to end. She was assigned to this paperwork so she can’t up and leave but she wishes Andy would.

Andy goes on and on about the blackmail. Maya checks out of the rest of the conversation just giving Andy what she wants to hear. She ends up confessing to the blackmail and tells Andy how she was going to report Sullivan and Ross for having an inappropriate relationship. She tells her how Beckett knows and how he’s punishing her.

“Wait, hold up? You didn’t even tell Carina?” That’s maybe the most surprising thing about all this. Maya and Carina are as thick as thieves. There’s nothing they don’t share. At least nothing that’s major.

Andy wants Maya to promise her two things. She gets to the first before the klaxon sounds which is that she never tells anyone else at the station what she did. The second thing remains unsaid as they get ready to go out to the call.

“What was the second thing?” Maya wants to know out of curiosity more than anything else. She didn’t say she would promise to what Andy asks but wants to know what they are none the less.

“Listen to your wife. Get some help.”

That’s exactly what Maya doesn’t want to hear right now.


After Maya left, Carina sighed and hung her head. She knows she probably shouldn’t keep avoiding Maya. It’s not fair to her even if she did a despicable thing. They are supposed to be a team, but Carina finds it hard to team right now.

She heads to work with an icky feeling in her gut.

She is in the ER checking on a patient and when she’s finished with that patient she spots Jack in an ER bed. She can tell he is afraid to see her. And maybe he should be. He did duck out on the team without letting anyone know his whereabouts.

She looks at his wrist and sees that it looks bad. Carina had heard about where he was and what he was up to but seeing him now only confirms how bad his injury is.

He apologizes for leaving and she says he should be sorry for that. She believed he'd made a real change, but he hadn't. Jack says she's right, but his easy agreement upsets her. He tries to disagree with her, but she walks away ranting in Italian.

Carina is angry with Jack and Maya. She doesn’t want to yell but it just comes out. She yells at Jack and at Lucas Adams. There seems to be no happy place in the world for her anymore. Even Jack had to show up in the ER where she couldn’t just have a nice day of treating patients in peace. He had to show up as a reminder. Even the hospital isn’t a happy place anymore with the war on women’s health and reproductive rights being threatened or taken away. And she has to wear black scrubs now that have her feeling darker and colder than if she were in pink scrubs. Maybe that has more to do with her mood and her personal life though.

In the end, Carina realizes her pain and anger at Jack are misplaced. It’s really Maya who she’s upset with.

Once her shift wraps up, Carina heads over to the station. She knows she needs to talk to Maya. She also wants to talk to Andy about Jack.

She walks in and see Andy straight away. Perfect. “Hey, just the person I’m looking for.”

Andy raises an eyebrow at that and Carina continues. “I saw Jack at that hospital earlier. He’s in a bad place. He needs something to do. Like, he’s just stewing about his family. He needs a purpose.”

“I agree.” Andy smiles gratefully. She and Carina are on the same page. “I try to figure out something.”

Maya walks into reception to see her wife there.

Carina looks Maya over. She looks okay but she can tell that Maya is carrying a lot of tension in her body. “I was just telling Andy that I saw Jack this morning.”

“At the hospital?” Maya looks up at Carina across the reception desk.

“Yeah, at least he finally got his wrist looked at.” Andy clicks her pen.

“Yeah, he’s not doing well.” She wants both Andy and Maya to know that. Somehow, it’s easier for Carina to talk about Jack and not Maya. It might also help that Andy is a buffer here between her and Maya. “He needs help.”

“Yeah, that was clear when we found him drunk under a tree, handcuffed to Eva Vasquez’s bed.” Maya has no pity for Jack. He put himself in that situation.

“I thought he was your friend?” Carina is a little surprised by Maya’s mood regarding Jack. She was one of the people who was hell bent on finding Jack when he first went missing.

“He was and then he left.” Maya is done with this talk about Jack. She just wants to do her job. Jack made his bed and he can lie it in. Just like she made her back and she has to lie in it.

Andy comments on how the department probably has a program for Jack where he can get help. Beckett interrupts her, coming from his office and handing Maya more paperwork to file. “I need to eat.”

Maya takes the paperwork. “And I need a workout.”

“Maya.” Carina is worried about Jack but also about her wife, especially Maya’s deflection on just about everything.

“I am sorry Jack is struggling but he ditched us.” She really doesn’t care what happens to Jack now after everything he put them all through, especially Carina with the uncertainty around the sperm, once he disappeared.

“That’s kind of cold. I mean do we have each other’s backs or do we not?” Andy thinks Maya could have, at least, a little compassion.

“I’m dealing with my own problems right now.” She glances in Carina’s direction. The one who made it clear that she has problems.

“Except you’re not really dealing with them.”

Andy can feel the tension between the wives.

“I am. In my own way.”

“Okay.” Carina knows that tension. It’s like she’s walking on eggshells but since Andy is in the room and is a buffer, she knows Maya won’t entirely lose it if she ask about therapy. “Have you started looking for therapists?” She’s timid with her question, even still. She doesn’t want Maya to bite her head off, but she does want to know the answer.

“I’m going to get cleaned up.” Andy doesn’t want to be in the crosshairs of whatever is about to happen between Carina and Maya.

“NO.” Maya doesn’t stop filing paperwork or look over at Carina or Andy.

Andy points to herself. It’s hard to tell who Maya is talking to. Her tone doesn’t change from that stiff, bitter, negativity. “No, me? Or no, her?”

“I’m sorry I haven’t done everything on your timeline, Carina.”

Carina glances at Andy in apology.

Maya wants both Carina and Andy to know what she’s got going on. “I’m living in my own personal hell and my co-workers are now gossiping about me.”

Andy tries to interrupt. “Actually, I fixed that.” She didn’t know Maya had heard the gossip.

“And my boss hates in and treats me worse than I was treated as a probie. And now my wife can’t have my back because she has suddenly decided that I am unstable. So, no, I haven’t researched therapists because I’ve been kind of busy with all of that.” Maya storms off up the stairs.

It ridiculous that she’s even being questioned about therapists when there’s so much more going on that she has to do and deal with.

Andy watches Carina for a moment but the brunette just stands there, staring straight ahead with a devasting look on her face. “I- I’m sorry.” She doesn’t even know what to say or find an excuse for Maya behavior. She’s a bit baffled by what just transpired between Maya and Carina, so she changes the subject. “I’ll call Jack. Again.”

“Thank you.” Carina grabs her purse and coat. “I’m heading out.” It feels like Maya doesn’t want her around. And she doesn’t want to be around Maya if she’s going to be all moody and defensive.

Tears threating as Carina moves to her car. They spill over her eyelids as she is a few feet away. She braces herself with a hand on the hood and takes a deep breath before getting in the car. Her drive home is blurry as tears cloud her vision. Carina keeps wiping them away but they keep coming. She can’t control it.

Carina really wishes things weren’t like this. She wishes she could have a calm discussion with Maya. But right now, it doesn’t seem to matter what the topic she, Maya isn’t going to be level-headed. At least she knows that Maya heard her when she asked her to get help. Maya acknowledged that, at least. Even if it was in an angry hostile way.

Carina gets home and goes to bed, crying herself to sleep.

Maya does her run on the treadmill and when she finishes, she has a little surprise for her captain. She gets the bag from her locker and heads down to the captain’s office. She wants to declare a truce and sets the bag on his desk. She watches with calculated patience as Beckett pulls the bottle of alcohol out of the bag.

“It’s your favorite, right?” Maya takes satisfaction in the way Beckett looks at the bottle before she says goodnight and walks out of his office.

If Vic thinks she’s ruthless, then she’s going to be ruthless. Ruthless includes plying Beckett with alcohol to see if he’ll take the bait. Maya is fairly confident that he will. Now all she has to do is wait to see if he fails or shows up drunk.


When Maya comes home from her shift Carina is already gone for the day. She knows Carina is avoiding her and she can’t blame Carina. She was nasty yesterday when Carina was at the station and Carina had asked if Maya had looked for a therapist. If she would just stop asking and let Maya deal with it herself than Maya feels like things wouldn’t have to get so heated.

She showers and has a bite to eat before heading to bed for a nap before she gets on with her day. Maya’s plans include going for a run and maybe going to the grocery store.

She settles in bed for her slumber.

The next thing Maya knows is the bedroom door slamming shut. It, rudely, wakes her from her nap.

“What are you doing?” It’s Carina’s voice.

Maya is still in bed, covers tucked up under her chin. “Sleeping.” She snarks back. Clearly, that’s what’s happening. Can’t Carina see that?

“It’s six in the evening.” Carina rummages around the room. She grabs a bag from the closet.

“What are you doing?” Maya asks quietly as she sits up in bed. She hadn’t realized it was so late. Or that she basically slept all day.

“I’m going to stay with Amelia for a few days or-“ Carina stop packing her bag to look at Maya. “I don’t know how long. Have you set up an appointment to see someone? Dr. Lewis?”

All Maya can do is shake her head. She’s absolutely stunned that Carina is leaving- or going to stay somewhere else. Somewhere away from her.

Carina sighs in disappointment at Maya’s lack of trying to better herself. She knows that Maya has been in bed all day. That nothing has been done. Nothing has been accomplished with her mental health or otherwise. And she doesn’t want to argue about it anymore so she’s going to stay with Amelia for a few days to give them both a break from the constant irritation.

The hollowness inside Maya deepens as she watches Carina pack her bag to leave her. She knows there’s not much she can do in this moment. She’s not going to beg Carina to stay. She’s not going to yelling or fight or argue. It really is that no one has her back anymore. What happened to forever? What happened to the commitment they made when they got married?

The doctor finishes in a huff. She’s well aware that Maya has been watching her the entire time that she’s flitted around the room. Carina approaches the side of the bed and bends at the waist to press a kiss tot the top of Maya’s head. “I love you.”

Maya doesn’t respond. Verbally or physically. She sits there catatonic. She can’t believe Carina is leaving her. Carina was supposed to be her person. Carina was supposed to have her back.

She sits there until she hears the apartment door close and then she lays down and hides under her blankets again. Maya didn’t think things could get much worse, but they somehow have.

She feels like a complete failure as a wife but she’s adamant that she can handle her problems on her own. She doesn’t need a stupid shrink to tell her what to do. If she just digs deep, puts her head down, and works hard, she’ll get to her goals. She just needs to keep her eyes forward and not let anything or anyone distract her. She won’t let this time Carina is taking away from her distract her from her mission of proving to everyone that she is capable of her job, including Carina.

There is that doubt within Maya though that Carina doesn’t see her as a capable partner anymore since she’s lost her captaincy and can’t get it back. Furthermore, since the blackmail, Carina doesn’t see her as a reliable or trustworthy partner. It’s disappointing to think but, if that’s the case, than she’s going to just have to work more to prove herself. If Carina isn’t going to be around than Maya can pick up more shifts. It will work out to her advantage and Carina won’t be around to badger her about ‘fixing’ her problems or going to a shrink for her problems. It still hurts that Carina thinks she’s unstable. She’s not sure she can ever really trust Carina again after something that hurtful was said. Maya isn’t sure where that all leaves their marriage, but it isn’t in a good place. But being labeled crazy isn’t going to stop Maya from competing at work.

She can’t be crazy if she’s successful.

She sinks back into sleep. It’s the only way to stop thinking. That or drugs or booze. She does think about going out and getting a case of beer and getting drunk and then passing out. Nothing’s stopping her. Carina is gone for who knows how long. But Maya’s doesn’t feel like it. She would rather just pull the covers up and sleep. It’s easier.

She sleeps the rest of the day and the entire night. When she wakes up in the morning, Maya goes for a run. It’s the best run she’s been on in a while. She feels free. There is nothing looming over her as far as the blackmail goes anymore. Everyone knows. And while they all gave her the side eye and gossiped about it, Maya is thankful in a way, that it is out there. Now she doesn’t have to keep it a secret anymore.

It's interesting that Ross or Sullivan haven’t approached her about it though. She knows Andy took the fall and for that she is grateful, but Sullivan knew the truth and he didn’t say anything about it and Maya does wonder why. She wonders if he is planning to stab her in the back in some way.

Her run takes her farther than it has in a long time. Maya doesn’t have anywhere to be so why not extend her run. She doesn’t have a wife waiting for her at home. She’s free to run as far and as long as she wants.

After her day off, Maya ends up working the next two shifts in a row and spending 48 hours straight at the station.

Carina comes home after two nights away. She needed that time to think and just be away from everything that reminded her of her wife. In no way has Maya left her thoughts, though. She loves Maya but she needed a few days to wrap her head around everything. She unpacks her bag in the evening and wonders where Maya is at. Carina thought she would’ve had the day off but maybe not. Maybe she’s got the schedule wrong with everything else that’s been going on. She takes a trip to the grocery store and Maya still isn’t back when she returns so he makes dinner for herself and spends a little time reading before heading to bed.

She’s ready to speak with Maya in the morning when she, presumably, gets home from shift.

After work, Maya is looking forward to a shower and then sleep. It’s been interesting to work two shifts in a row. One with A crew and one with B crew. It was a little awkward at first fitting in with B crew, but then one of them cracked a joke that brought a laugh out of Maya. Unlike A crew, no one gossips or talks behind each other’s backs. They have a good camaraderie, and everyone seems to get along. It’s a nice change of pace from A crew.

She’s not expecting it so when she walks into the apartment to see Carina doing yoga on the living room floor she gasps.

“You’re back.” She hums.

“I am. I needed a few days to clear my head. It wasn’t fair to either of us to be stewing over things and grumbling at each other every time we saw each other.” Carina gives a smile apologetic smile hoping that Maya sees it the same way.

“Okay.” Maya isn’t sure what to say to that.

“Look, Maya. I just needed some time. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or that I want to be away from you. I do love you. So much. And I love the time we spend together. But recently it’s been hard. For both of us.”

“Speak for yourself.” The blonde mumbles.

Carina frowns at that. She knows it’s been hard for Maya. They used to talk about how hard it was. Now Maya seems to be shoving away that idea that it was ever hard or isn’t hard now. It’s baffling to try to understand why.

“I’m going to go for a run and then shower. Do you work today?” She hopes that Carina does and that she won’t be hanging around the apartment all day asking if she’s okay, or if she’s crazy, or if she’s talked to a therapist yet. She doesn’t want to be babysat by her wife all day.

“I do.” Carina licks her lips. “But I was hoping we could sit down and talk.”

“If it’s about me finding a therapist, forget it.” Maya walks away, into the bedroom to change before her run.

“I’ll be back in like thirty minutes.” She closes the door behind herself and holds her right hand to her chest. Her heart beats wildly in her chest. More so than she would like it to at seeing Carina. They regularly spend time apart when Maya is on a 24 hour shift, but this feels different. She feels like she’s seeing Carina again for the first time in ages. Like she hasn’t seen her for weeks or months. There’s an pull there that she doesn’t like. She doesn’t like it because Carina is still on her mission to call her crazy and get her to see someone about it.

Maya puts her earbuds in and takes off on her run. Her run will help her clear her head. It’s her form of therapy.