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The Wicked Witch

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April 8th 2013

12:48 pm

A flat in Soho

Sirius was absentmindedly following a report about a poet's body being dug up on BBC when the dramatic music coming from the tv startled him into paying attention.

'Now we have some news to bring about the former prime minister Margaret Thatcher…'

"Moony, Moony, come quick!"

'...from her spokesman…'

"I'm coming, I'm coming. What is…?"

Remus hurried over at the urgency in Sirius' voice. He stopped directly behind the sofa Sirius was sitting on, looking between him and the reporters on screen.

'... has died this morning, following… '

Remus let out a noise like a dying whale while Sirius was already cackling madly.

'... just come through to us… '

Remus was still making the noise. Drawing it out into a long questioning whine over the voice of the news reporter.

'... confirmation from Lord Bell that she has died this morning… "

Having run out of breath, Remus made his way around the sofa and sank down next to Sirius, staring at their tv with big eyes. Sirius wasn't cackling anymore but the deranged grin on his face expressed the same kind of glee as before.

'... Baroness Thatcher…'

Remus scoffed and then asked a bit desperately, "I'm not dreaming right? This isn't just my mind making up for the nightmare last night and deciding to make me hallucinate some very great fucking news, right?"

Sirius turned to face him with a gleam in his eyes, looking like it was Christmas morning and his birthday rolled into one.

"Well, if you're hallucinating, then so am I and I haven't taken any shrooms in ages, so I don't know why I would be."

'... Baroness Thatcher died this morning, following a stroke…'

"The bitch is dead." Remus whispered in awe. "Truly, truly dead."

"What'd you just say?"

Remus cleared his throat. "She's truly dead." He again said with a bit more gravitas.

Sirius made some incomprehensible hand gestures, almost slapping Remus in the face and sprung up from his seat, making his way over to the other side of the living room. .

'...was known to be frail for some time…'

"No, no, before that!"

"The bitch is dead?" Remus asked, wondering what, besides the obvious good news of old Maggie kicking the bucket, had Sirius this frantic all of a sudden.

Sirius snapped his fingers in his direction a few times while kneeling down in front of their vinyl collection.

'...that she has died…'

"Yes, yes, exactly!"

Flipping through one of their boxes of records Sirius tossed another question in his direction. The BBC reporter still blathering on in the background.

'...called the Iron Lady…'

"What's that musical called again? With the girl and the dog? And those weird flying monkeys?"

Remus still wasn't following which rabbit hole Sirius' mind had gone down, but at least he knew the answer.

"The Wizard of Oz."

'...uncompromising style of leadership…'

He searched for the remote for a moment, finding it wedged between the sofa cushion and his own arse, and then put the tv on mute. Putting the remote down again, this time on the coffee table, he squinted at Sirius, who was still making a mess of their carefully and alphabetically organised music collection.

"What the fuck are you even -"

Before Remus could finish his pointed question, Sirius had apparently found what he'd been looking for. At least going by his loud excited exclamation.


With more energy than a five year-old on a sugar high Sirius bounced over to their magically enhanced record player, carefully extracted the record from its sleeve, put it on the player and confidently told it, "Number seven."

Not immediately recognising the first few notes, as the record started to play, Remus made his way over to look at the track list.

But then the munchkins started singing and Remus almost fell over bursting into laughter.

'Ding, dong, the witch is dead…'

Remus gasped, trying to get air into his lungs through the tears streaming down his face. Sirius sang along with the munchkins loudly and completely out of tune, gesturing at the tv all the while and dancing his way over to Remus who had collapsed on the carpet, laughing hysterically by now.

Sirius flopped down beside him, now whistling merrily. Remus turned his head to look at him, stray chuckles still bubbling up and out of him in random intervals.

"You are the worst person I know, I love you, please turn up the volume and we're never listening to anything else ever again."

'... She's gone where the goblins go below, below, below, yo ho…'