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My Dating Successes

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“Okay so as it’s Dan day, I have decided this week’s theme IS!..Dan is a phan”

“With a P H.”

“Yes, Phil. With a PH. So change the topic. Let’s spill some tea.”

“Oh god.”

“As you all know. I am Phil trash. We know this. It’s old news. But I genuinely do still watch and enjoy your videos, Phil.”

“Awe”

“BUT! I have special privileges that these other phillie peasants don’t. I have an opportunity to grill you about your videos. And today, as it’s almost pride month and we are gay…”

“We are!”

“... I wanted to talk about the dating fails video you did a while back. Cause your video was really good, really funny. But it didn’t give people a lot of hope. It was mostly just you failing miserably at being a thirsty bitch.”

“Yeah.”

“So I thought...for the people...you could tell them a nice story with an actual good ending.”

“Why me?!”

“Because it’s Dan day and I make the rules, Lester.”

“Ugh...okay..fine. What do you want me to say?”

“ I think….as a treat...since you all have been so lovely, aside from last week which we’re not going to talk about because it didn’t happen, and my whole thing right now is honesty and living your truth…”

“Yeah. Preorder Dan’s book now.”

“Thank you, Phil.”

“Hashtag sppoooonnnn!”

“Yes, thank you. Anyway...I think this little intimate time we have together twice a week. I feel safe. I know you guys. I like you guys. We can talk about some things.”

“Right.”

“For instance...Phil.”

“Yes...I’m scared.”

“I think you should give yourself some credit and admit that you aren’t a total flop. Cause guys, when I first met Phil he was actually quite smooth.”

“I-was I? I mean. Okay. Are we going here?”

“We are. Cause, let’s be real here. Let’s get hashtag real in our little safe intimate Dan and Phil hour. They know. We know they know. They know we know they know. It’s been, fucking hell, a long ass time. Give the people what they want.”

“I mean, okay.”

“I do just want to say, Phil’s being a diva right now but we did actually talk about this before the show. I ain’t passing out free samples at the ice cream shop without approval. And obviously I am here bringing it up by myself.”

“Yeah, we did. I mean. I-I didn’t think you were serious, but sure. Okay.”

“It’s been a long time. The people want realness. The people want hope! Especially after living vicariously through your terrible dating stories from uni. Tragic truly.”

“I mean okay. Yes. Fine.”

“When we first met irl. You were smoother than you let on. Guys, Phil had a plan okay. He had an agenda.”

“I did not!”

“You did! Phil had a whole ass itinerary. Like here I was, idiot 18 year old expecting to be given an address to just show up at forwhateverwasgonnahappen and maybe Phil’s an axe murderer. I didn’t know!”

“Yeah, don’t do that.”

“Be smarter than teenage Dan, guys. Tbh Phil could still be a murderer. Jury’s still out.”

“Stop.”

“Definitely a cannibal. Bitey bastard.”

“DAN!!”

“Sorry, no. Sorry. Too much sherbet at the shop there. Hahahaha anyway!”

“I didn’t have an agenda, I was trying to be a good host and show you around Manchester. That wasn’t a move.”

“It was a move.”

“It might have been a move.”

“I mean it worked so good job, Phil.”

“Oh my God.”

“Guys, I wish you could see Phil’s face right now. He is full tomato hahaha”

“Shut up! Can we please get on with it.”

“Sorry! I’m sorryhahah- it was a nice time. You put a lot of effort into it and I appreciate it. V romantic. I do regret live tweeting it. Like I don’t have any regrets because you know..you’re not supposed to dwell on the past and regret your life choices...”

“Yeah.”

“But maybe we shouldn’t have live tweeted it. Anyway! So yeah Phil really wined and dined me, which is funny because I don’t think either of us were really sure what was going on.”

“I mean you didn’t say-“

“Neither did you, bitch! We were really out here being every dumb gay bitch stereotype.”

“Yeah...but also hey, it worked out.”

“Oh, did it? It worked out?? Juicy! Phil coming in with a banana split people!”

“Shut up! I mean- you’re still here. Not a fail.”

“Not a fail. Congrats, Phil.”

“Thanks.”

“And that’s the tea. Now back to the 🎶 dreeaaammm daaaaatee from a decade ago🎶. Where were we? Oh, right. So we went to the swanky bar after you had been biting me literally all day and-“

“No! Stop! Next subject! Please!”

“So we get back to your house and th-“

“We got a message!”

Hi guys! I just wanted to say