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fundamental truth

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Tadashi isn't ignorant to the most obvious fundamental truth about their relationship. He doesn't delude himself with pretty words and false dreams. He's not blinded to who Ainosuke is or to the cruelty of his words and actions. He knows what they have is twisted, he knows that what they have is unusual, and he knows that what they have could never be called healthy. He's known from the beginning that if people learned even a hint of what they had become over the years it wouldn't be understood. He's known it since that day they'd slowly, and silently, walked back into the house. Ainosuke's anger and hurt rolling off him in waves, their relationship shifting and sliding. The first steps towards what they now were.

Because the simple truth about Tadashi is this: he doesn't care.

He knows who Ainosuke is, better than anyone else who knows him. Ainosuke is Adam and Adam is Ainosuke's desperate attempt to feel love. He's a cruel man. A broken boy. A victim. A villian. He's hard edges and rage, an unrelenting fury fueled by narcissism and privilege. He's as fragile as glass, full of heartache and fear born of betrayal and abuse.

Tadashi loves all of him.

He'd loved him when they were boys, oblivious to the darkness that was their future, before Adam had ever had a need to exist. And he loves him now, with a fierceness and a desire to support him that will no doubt be his undoing one day.  

Everything he did was to help Ainosuke, an attempt to pull him back from the abyss. To show him that he was loved unconditionally, all of him, both Ainosuke and Adam. To prove to him as much as himself that they hadn't ruined him all those years ago. He'd failed of course. How could he prove such a thing when the memory of betrayal still burned bright on the edges of Ainosuke's memories? Instead it had taken a teenager to remind him, a stranger who only knew the cruelty of Adam, to reach through it all and to get to him, without even realizing he was. It had taken innocence and Tadashi had lacked that for half his life.

"Where did you go?"

It shocks him back into the present, shames him that he could have even gotten lost when they're like this. 

"I'm sorry." It's whispered, voice quiet with shame. His eyes looking everywhere but above him.

His body gives a shudder, a soft whine slipping out when strong fingers close tightly around his jaw, forces him to look the other man in the face. The pressure is bordering on painful, and has the potential to bruise him, but he welcomes it. He always does.

"Bad dog, I asked you a question." 

He has every intention of replying, of telling Ainosuke the truth, but the words die halfway out replaced by a moan that's ripped from deep inside him as Ainosuke slams back in. It's overwhelming, it always is. Feeling stretched and full. The weight of Ainosuke bearing down on him. His hips jerk up off the desk reflexively, trying to take him impossibly deeper as the heels of his feet dig into Ainosuke's back, desperate to keep him where he is. 

"Always so greedy." Tadashi whimpers when his hand gets smacked away from his own dick before he can touch it. "You begged for it all day, those pitiful looks every time someone else had my attention and then you don't even have the decency to focus? And yet you think you should get to touch? Disobedient mutts don't get rewards, keep your hands to yourself."

He says it with a sneer that twists his handsome face into something ugly, more Adam than Ainosuke.

It should repulse him, being spoken to like that, being spoken about like that. Instead his body tightens, clamps around Ainosuke as tightly as possible and the high Tadashi gets from the sound Ainosuke makes in response is euphoric.

"Yes, sir."

He watches Ainosuke's face as he lifts his arms above his head, grabs a hold of his left wrist with his right hand and leaves them there. As he submits completely. A pleasure unmatched by most things unfurls in his chest as Ainosuke's beautiful red eyes darken with desire. The submission is like flipping a switch and he uses Tadashi as he pleases, hips snapping harshly. Each thrust as hard as the last. He'll be left with bruises, where Ainosuke's muscular body collided with Tadash's more slender build. He'll be grateful for every last one.

The fingers still holding his jaw flex before Ainosuke leans down to kiss him. Like most things about this man these days it's rough, violent even, and when he pulls back, blue hair shielding his eyes, Tadashi can taste blood. His body trembles in response. He yearns to touch, to stroke his fingers through the bright blue strands. To coax a smile back onto Ainosuke's lips as he watches Tadashi fall apart.

But he can't. He didn't earn it. He let his mind wander and he upset his master. He still owes him an answer.

"I was..I was thinking of us."

Ainosuke's hips falter, he's still buried deep in Tadashi where he belongs, but he's confused, that much is clear. Tadashi lifts his hips desperate for friction. So close to the edge it's leaning towards painful and while he knows he can't cum until Ainosuke gives permission the lack of movement is maddening. He's meant to be used.

"Explain."

"How I failed you."  He makes sure Ainosuke's full attention is on him before continuing "How I love you."

The other man's reaction is what he expects. Ainosuke rears back, his anger explosive. His disbelief palpable. They hadn't talked about this yet and a part of Tadashi knows telling him now, when they're like this is ill advised. He knows how Ainosuke thinks, that he'll attempt to brush it away. Label it insignificant and a lie specifically because he said it when it was impossible to say where one man started and the other ended. But he also knows telling him when he's most vulnerable, when he's submitting completely is equally as important.  

He needs Ainosuke to understand.

When Ainosuke pulls free, pulls out, he feels empty. He can feel his body trembling, that it's yearning for his master, his home, to come back to him. Things had changed that day, when Ainosuke had lost. He'd softened, slightly, towards Tadashi and later still in that office when he'd reaffirmed that they would always be together. But they'd never spoken of it beyond that. They'd simply existed in it's knowledge. 

He'd changed that just now.

"We don't have to talk about it."

"Don't" a single word, so much anger.

He doesn't move, he simply keeps his hands where they are. Keeps his legs spread, his body open for Ainosuke, feels his dick leaking pre-cum. He knows what a sight he is. He knows how he must look. Ainosuke for his part remains still, his body stiff, but he hasn't moved away. He hasn't shoved Tadashi off the desk. He hasn't rebuked him completely. 

So Tadashi looks his fill. Let's his gaze start at the top and slowly takes it all in. From the vibrant hair, across sharp cheekbones and a stubborn jaw, down to strong shoulders, and lower still to abs that taper into a thin waist. Lower still to strong thighs and what hangs between them, still hard, almost defiantly so. Ainosuke is a work of art, one that Tadashi worships. Knowing that Ainosuke is still hard, still wants him, makes him whine. There's no other word for it. It's desperate and needy. He wants it inside him again. He wants it down his throat. He wants to -

"Pathetic dog" His gaze snaps back up to Ainosuke's face, suddenly nervous, "Would you stay like that if I told you to?"

"Yes." No hesitation. 

"Because you're my pet?" Ainosuke's face is unreadable but Tadashi is already relaxing again, truthfully more relaxed than before. He can feel things sliding into place.

 "Yes, sir."

"Because you love your owner?"

"I do, I promise you that I do."

His body spasms as the touch of Ainosuke's fingers brushing against his dick, feels his body start to curl in on itself before he manages to keep himself in position.  He's rewarded by Ainosuke wrapping his fingers around the length of him and giving a rough jerk up and down. It liquifies Tadashi's spine, makes him melt into the desk as a soft mewl leaves his lips. His shoulders are beginning to ache but he doesn't dare move them, instead he watches Ainosuke with blurry vision as the other man continues to jerk him off. He's not even sure if he's making sounds anymore, if he is they're not coherent, but Ainosuke seems pleased. 

"Do you think you deserve release?"

He's pretty sure he shakes his head. "N-no, I disappointed you."

Ainosuke hums, whether that's in agreement or not Tadashi can't tell. Doesn't have the capacity to focus enough to figure it out. He feels Ainosuke's fingernail scratch along the underside of his dick and his vision whites out. The only reason he doesn't cum is because of Ainosuke squeezing tightly, denying him. 

"I'm sorry." He thinks he might be crying.

"So you've said." He's dazed as he blinks his eyes open, feels Ainosuke wipe at his cheeks before two fingers suddenly shove past his lips. The salty taste of his own tears on his tongue as he gags at the sudden invasion before his body becomes accustomed to it. "I'm tried of hearing it frankly."

He nods, closes his lips tightly around Ainosuke's fingers and sucks. Let's his tongue lick over every inch. Does his best to apologize for annoying him. When Ainosuke's fingers finally leave his mouth sometime later it's with a vulgar pop, a line of spit still connecting them to Tadashi's lips before even that's broken as Ainosuke settles himself back into his chair.

He seems restless, like he's waiting for something. Some sign on what he's actually supposed to do next. Tadashi thinks the fingers in his mouth were as much about buying time as it was to silence him. He's not sure how long they sit there like that. Ainosuke naked, watching him with a bored expression while he thumbs at the head of his dick occasionally, but it feels like a lifetime. Maybe he's waiting for Tadashi to move, to prove himself a liar.

He'll be waiting a long time if that's the case.

But that doesn't mean Tadashi doesn't have doubts, a fear deep inside that argues that maybe this is all pointless. That all he's doing is hurting Ainosuke yet again. He'd failed to protect him when they were younger, he'd failed to reach him as adults, and it was entirely possible he'd fail him again here. What would happen then? Would Ainosuke finally flicker out, would Adam be the only part that remained?  It was bold for a pet to think he held such value. 

"You're doing it again."

But he wasn't, he was entirely aware of Ainosuke the entire time his thoughts wandered. "I haven't, I wouldn't do it a second time."

"You've lied before, you'll lie again." His tone conveys that he's bored, his posture does as well, but Tadashi knows better. He can feel the rage simmering under the surface. He's had years of experience to learn it.

"I didn't li-" His words falter because he did, back then. He does now in the current, he lies all the time to Ainosuke. He tells him what he needs to hear. He gives his unwavering support.

I have no opinions.

He's said it so many times over the years, it's become second nature. But it's always been a lie. They both know that.

"Not about this."

A sneer contorts Ainosuke's face. Disbelief making him hateful. Making his words acidic "Then prove it."

It feels like a physical slap.

"I'm trying."

"You're failing."

The verbal punch lands harshly, knocks the air right out of him. It leaves his gasping, his chest heaving with it. He suddenly feels light headed. He can feel the cold grip of failure wrapping around him,  squeezing so tight it makes it impossible to breathe. He's always failing him. Always. Every time it matters. The only purpose he has in life and he can't even manage to do it. He's crying again, he can taste it on his lips. Can feel the hot streaks rolling down his cheeks. He feels hollowed out. He feels utterly useless. What type of dog can't please it's master? 

"Tadashi, calm down." It's the use of his name that grounds him. Drags him up from the despair he'd been drowning in. "You're embarrassing yourself."

The words feel like silk, sliding over his skin. 

"Sit up."

It's a herculean effort that makes it happen. He's slow moving and he can't quite muffle the pained noise he makes when his arms finally move, and honestly they shake slightly when he uses them to brace his weight. But he makes it happen. Tear stained and wrung out he sits on the edge of Ainosuke's desk and waits quietly, in the silence around them he couldn't even begin to consider doing something other than watch his master with wide needy eyes.

After a moment, where it felt like the other man's gaze had meticulously taken him apart, Ainosuke crooks a finger at him and calls him softly.

"Come."

He scrambles from the desk, legs shaky, and effectively collapses into Ainosuke's lap. He's not even entirely in it honestly, not until Ainosuke hauls him up, settles him properly, so that he's straddling Ainosuke on his knees and his body slumps against the taller man. "Good boy."

He shivers, whines against Ainosuke's throat where he's buried his face. Too nervous to pull back and actually look at him. Ainosuke's hands are firm on his waist, possessive in their grip. 

"Say it again."

His speech is slurred, but he's rushing the words out before the command had even been finished. "I love you."

Ainosuke's right hand slides from his waist around to his back and then lower, gasps when he rubs it lightly over the rim. Chokes on a moan when that finger pushes in past the knuckle. Maybe he hadn't been on the desk for as long as he thought, because his body doesn't resist, doesn't even hesitate. Maybe Ainosuke's finger had been slicked, he doesn't know. It really doesn't matter. All that does matter is the feeling of Ainosuke's finger twisting, curving, teasing inside of him. It isn't long before a second joins and Tadashi feels himself clinging to Ainosuke's forearms as he rocks his body to meet each thrust. He mouths at Ainosuke's throat, scrapes his teeth against it at the sensation of a third, at the feeling of being scissored open. 

"Don't leave a mark."  

He groans, frustrated at being denied when he's being finger fucked. In a fit of rebellion he considers ignoring the order, only to feel the fingers of Ainosuke's free hand bite into his hip painfully in a silent warning.

"I won't, Sir. I promise." He pauses, hesitating, before adding much softer. "I need you."

It's what he'd said at the beginning. After the last meeting had ended and they'd been left alone. He'd begged that morning but he'd been ignored. Been forced to watch people touch Ainosuke all afternoon. Watched men and women alike bat their eyes at him. Desire him. Watched him perform, the mask never slipping. He'd hated every second of it, which was why Ainosuke took so much enjoyment in doing it to him. As soon as the door had closed and they were alone he'd dropped to his knees next to Ainosuke's chair, let his chin rest on the other man's knee and looked up at him with pleading eyes. Desperation on display as he begged.

"You always need me." Ainosuke's replies.

"I always will."

He bites back a curse when Ainosuke pulls his fingers free but a second later he's being lowered onto something better, being filled so perfectly. Taking everything Ainosuke has to give. He was meant for this, meant for Ainosuke. His fingers flex, nails digging into skin hard enough to break it but Ainosuke either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Instead he's focused on using his grip on Tadashi's hips to guide his movements. Pushing him down roughly as he snaps his hips up, driving himself as deep as he can into him. It fractures every coherent thought Tadashi has left. 

His head falls back as he stares up wildly at the ceiling. The only other sounds in the room besides his own are skin slapping painfully together and Ainosuke's grunts. It's his own personal heaven. 

He jolts at a hand wrapping around his dick, neglected for so long and forgotten in Tadashi's desire to please Ainosuke. His own release is unnecessary. All that matters is his masters pleasure. His Ainosuke, his love.

He feels fucked out and perfect. Nothing is better than being useful. It makes him feel delusional with happiness but his breath stutters and his body shakes as Ainosuke jerks him off in time with his thrusts. The over-stimulation is too much, they've been at this for too long. But more than that, he's simply too worn out to have any self control. 

He tries to apologize before he can't. "Ain-"

"You have my permission."

He breaks apart, shatters at the seams; his body clenches tightly, the sound he makes unnatural. He can't even manage the strength to curl away when Ainosuke keeps milking every last drop out of him. He thinks Ainosuke might have called him beautiful.

He doesn't ask.

Instead his head lulls to the side before dropping against Ainosuke's shoulder. He absently drags his fingers across Ainosuke's chest before lifting them to his own mouth to suck them clean. He'd made a mess. He feels the rumble of Ainosuke's laugh more than he hears it.

"Your turn."

"Say it again."

He does. He mumbles it into Ainosuke's shoulder, whispers it against his cheek, and he moans it into his ear as Ainosuke cums while pressed deep inside of him. Feels his heart swell happily as Ainosuke leaks out of him after pulling free. They'll both need a shower, but neither seems to be in much of a hurry.

"Good boy."

Tadashi isn't ignorant to the most obvious fundamental truth about their relationship. He doesn't delude himself with pretty words and false dreams. He's not blinded to who Ainosuke is or to the cruelty of his words and actions.

He knows what they have is twisted, he knows that what they have is unusual, and he knows that what they have could never be called healthy. He's known from the beginning that if people learned even a hint of what they had become over the years it wouldn't be understood. 

Because the simple truth about Tadashi is this: he doesn't care, he loves Ainosuke

And he's confident Ainosuke loves him back.