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Tell Me You Love Me

Summary:

the fic where every chapter is a Demi song...

Notes:

Watching the documentary "Dancing With The Devil" I'm like "yes, this screams Rachel Amber"
I'll write a POV fic about her experiences/relationships under the influence.

Chapter 1: Cool For The Summer

Chapter Text

The pill on my tongue tasted only half as good as the sweat on your neck
When we danced all night and I used your salt for my many drinks

 

In the basement of my house we would smoke until the alarms would go off
But when they caught us we just ran away laughing



Nothing ever tasted better than the bitterness of your words
Nothing ever made me choke like your blue hair in my mouth

 

I got my mind on your body and your body on my mind
Got a taste of the cherry, I just need to take a bite

 

Nobody ever apologized to me as beautifully as you did when you pushed me off the bed while drunk
Your kisses tasted like beer and cigarettes and a little bit like exstasy

 

Don't tell my dad, then I won't tell your mom.
I almost admitted what I really wanted from you after the party but I like the way you look at me so I don't say anything

 

It's a bitch's birthday again, I'll go and meet you there
Everyone has already started drinking, the sooner they get wasted, the harder we can make out

 

I won't judge you, stick your tongue in my mouth
It doesn't matter if they watch us, because what they want is action and that is what I need

 

Nobody touches me like you do, your hands on my hips make my crotch warm
Let's get into the pool, I sit on your lap, you lie on the air mattress, so everyone can see what good friends we are

 

Don't be scared, I can keep all the secrets
Even the ones you don't tell me

 

Take me down into your paradise
Don't be scared, cause I'm your body type

 

Nothing ever sounded better than your laugh inside my ear
Nothing ever kept me going like your grip on my ass

 

The heat is tough on us, I want to see you in your bikini
I don't want to go home yet, I lock us up in the bathroom together

 

At some point around three in the morning I threw up after all
You held my hair and made a stupid joke, that's the girl I love

 

Nothing ever made me feel so alive than taking a shot with you
Nothing ever felt so good than your body on mine 

 

Pool parties are the best because you and I
We're cool for the summer

 

Chapter 2: Sorry, Not Sorry

Chapter Text

I watch his eyes follow me, no matter where I go, he is there and takes pictures of me.
When I talk to friends, or what I think are friends, he takes notes.


And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt
To see me like this, but it gets worse

He doesn't hide it, he looks me in the eyes and his mustache tells me he's watching me. Watching my every move.
I am not afraid of him.
He should be afraid of what he is searching me for.


Now you're out here looking like regret
Ain't too proud to beg, second chance you'll never get

He will never find anything, never figure it out.
Because what I am so much better at on so many levels is keeping my secrets.
His shiny guns are on display, for anyone taking a closer look, but my assets are much more under control.

 

Now payback is a bad bitch
And baby, I'm the baddest

He seems to be thinking he can see right through me, but he won't be able to get behind it.
I'm not hiding myself, just what I'm doing, but right in front of his eyes.

 

You're fuckin' with a savage
Can't have this, can't have this

I can't respect him, not when he treats those I treasure, so badly, and praises those I despise, while also claiming that I love those, who really piss me off, even if they are useful in ways.

And it'd be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah

He doesn't lie, he doesn't tell the truth either. He guesses.
I'm not lying, I'm just hiding my shit very well and he can't stand it.


Baby, I'm sorry - I'm NOT sorry
Baby, I'm sorry - I'm NOT sorry

He thinks he's the toughest, but it takes more than an army to beat me.
He's not safe from me, not even in his home. My presence is a battlefield.


Being so bad got me feelin' so good
Showing you up like I knew that I would

My respect is not negotiable. Not even for a minute.
When I pass by, he'll be the one to salute!

 

Feeling inspired 'cause the tables have turned
Yeah, I'm on fire and I know that it burns

Chapter 3: Waitin For You

Chapter Text

I want to forgive him, I want to move on, but he refuses to admit that he did anything.

It took long enough to grasp the extent of what he has so vehemently denied.

How can I despise the person so much that gave me my eyes?

I want to hurt him just a little, no, that's a lie, I want to cause him pain like he did, the worst part is that he still claims he did it for my good.

 

You said that you'd never hurt me
Be the band-aid when I bleed


Am I allowed to hate him, and if so, how much?

Do I have to be ashamed of myself?

Do I have to be embarrassed if I have to love him?

The question I ask myself, every night when I wake up on the wet pillow, is no longer whether it comes from tears, it is the question of how long I have to cry before I can finally leave this house.

 

You can run, but you know that I know just what you've done
You can run
You can run, but save those words for one on one



I always felt sorry for the children who packed up their things on the weekend and visited their fathers who lived apart from their mothers.

I already have a mother separated from my father but I wish there were two.

I don't study the food on my dinner plate because it looks delicious, but because I never want to see your fucking face again.

Why does it hurt, when I try so hard not to become like you?

 

Yeah, don't take things too personal, but you made shit personal
Talkin' 'bout my bad habits
Man, fuck my bad habits
Don't act like you got none

 

I'm me.

You are you

That will never change.

I am not your little girl anymore.

No doubt about it.

Nobody has ever hurt me like you.

I try not to look at you, I try not to talk to you, I try not to hate you, but not loving you is getting easier.

Chapter 4: Sober

Chapter Text

 

 

Did it ever mean anything to you that I didn't make a single promise soberly?

I just stopped caring when I was with you. And not caring with you always felt oh so good.

The very thought of my parents dying of shame and anger if I ever showed real interest makes me want to stick my tongue down your throat, but that won't happen.

I want to know what I can get. What's in it for me?

But partying with you is also awesome. So I am not complaining.

 

Call me when it's over 'cause I'm dying inside

 

With you things are never boring and although I learned so quickly how to say things to you so that I get what I want, no, what I need, I still haven't learned to talk about you.

And if we're being completely honest, I don't wanna talk about you, ever.

You can stay my dirty little secret, one of so many, and if we're a little more honest, that's how it started.

You opened your mouth and I held mine.

 

Call me when it's over and myself has reappeared

 

I don't know how many times I've puked on you, once I even did it on purpose, I just wanted to see how you react.

You were so nice and took care of me, but I still like your dog better than you and I like your job even better than the two of you together.

I don't know how many times I've called you drunk, but I know exactly how often you've been to my house, driving up to your house in the middle of the night.
How many times I've told you my parents are away hoping you don't get it wrong.

If I try really hard, I can even remember when I stopped liking you.

 

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why



Maybe it was when you fist bumped me into the fridge.

Or maybe it was when you suddenly wanted more money than I had with me.

Or maybe it was when you took the bottle with the pills away from me and said I stole them from you, even though they were mine.

Maybe it was something completely different and maybe I deserved it sometimes.

But no matter how much I sometimes don't like you anymore, you are the connection to someone I have long lost.

And that's why I have to keep you.

 

Just hold me, I'm lonely

 

You cried with me and screamed with me and that comforted me.

But you haven't done that for a while.

I'm crying because of you and you are screaming at me.

It would hurt less if I knew it had a future.

But you keep me waiting and I don't have time.

 

I’m not sober anymore

 

When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I wonder if you would even like me if you had known me before.

I also wonder if you only like me because we hate the same people.

Or whether it was my money that you liked and since then have been telling yourself that we are inseparable.

I can say with certainty that the best thing about you is what you do for a living.

 

It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry to myself

 

Sometimes I'm a little scared of you.

I will never tell you that because you would use that against me.

She keeps asking me if there is a problem and I say no, but sometimes I think it's you.

 

Chapter 5: Dancing With The Devil

Chapter Text

You say you want to teach me, but you are not my mother.

Then again, she never returned to my life, but you came into my life without being asked and then just stayed there.

I looked up at you, sometimes wanted to be you, wanted to crawl inside you.

Even when you yelled at me, I still wanted you to be proud of me.

I wasn't scared of you, just scared of disappointing you.

 

I've been good, don't I deserve it?
I think I earned it, feels like it's worth it

 



I liked your strength so much that I mistook your choke for a hug.

It didn't hurt long enough to make me want to stay away from you permanently.

I wanted to impress you by rolling on the floor and in the dirt in front of you and doing all the things that I would despise in others.

Your sweet words in my ears attracted me like the light of a moth and when you told me how pretty I am, I just wanted more.

 

Playing with the enemy, gambling with my soul
It's so hard to say no, when you're dancing with the devil

 

 

Sometimes when you made me sleep or told me to shut up because you are an artist, I imagined my mom singing me a lullaby.

She never did and neither will you.

You can flip it like a switch.

Your eyes eat me up and it captivates me

But then the flash of your camera blinds me and you eat me whole while you force me to watch.

 

I thought that I could walk away easily
But here I am falling down on my knees

 

You're like a phenomenon, once I understand how you work, it's no longer a mystery.

I don't want to keep this to myself, but you say I have to.

I no longer want to feel your hands around my neck and my wrists still hurt even though a week has passed.

I have to see the both of you, no matter where I go.

When did our duo become a trio and why don't I remember consenting to this?

 

 

Could you please forgive me?
Lord, I'm sorry for dancing with the devil

 

 

I told you that I will go away. That I would visit my mother.

You laughed at me and told me how to sit down properly.

When you tied my hands together, I knew you'd never let me go.

No matter how much I miss the people in my life who I don't even know.

Chapter 6: Tell Me You Love Me

Chapter Text

After all these years and everything we've done

After everything we've been through together

I am more convinced than ever that she is the better part of me.

 

Bad at love, no, I'm not good at this
But I can't say I'm innocent

 

Of all the people in this world, she understands my pain best

She loves me the most unconditionally

She holds my heart in her hands and for the first time in my life I am not scared.

 

And all my friends, they know and it's true
I don't know who I am without you

 

All the sweet little lies and all the unsaid between us, we will leave behind us here.

She will go with me. Nothing has ever been so clear to me.

I have never felt their tenderness as much as now, when I know the hardness of others.

 


Oh, tell me you love me
I need someone on days like this, I do

 

When I honestly ask myself who the person is, I would like to look at the stars with at night, she is the only one that comes to mind.

The intensity from the beginning has given way to something even more real and even safer.

She is the light that shone when I lost my way.

 

And I hope I never see the day
That you move on and be happy without me

 

When I shouted her name in my desperation, she didn't judge, she was just there.

Because I can only get sicker in this place, but not healthier in another without her, now is the time to go.

Together.

 

What's my hand without your heart to hold?
I don't know what I'm living for

 

Even though I had my doubts that she was drowning in her own pain and that there wasn't enough room for the two of us on that wooden door, she proved me that we didn't need the door in the first place.

We saved each other. We will always kick the water away together until we stand together on solid ground.

And where she is, my home will be.

 


Everything I need
Is standing in front of me
I know we will be, alright, alright, yeah