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2021-04-02
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Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Summary:

Harry Potter dies for the 7th time, forcing Death to have a face to skull talk with the young man. After learning of the betrayals heaped upon him, as well as the horrors Voldemort and his followers would go on to perpetrate, Harry agrees to go back as an employee of Death, LLC. This story is an adult comedy based loosely on the Reptilia28 challenge. As an adult comedy, many characters will be OOC and cannon can just take a flying leap. There will be RW/MW/GW/APWBD bashing. Pairing will be Lunar Harmony.

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Title: Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Author: DWDuck (Patrick Mallard)

Rating: M for crude language, even cruder humour, and sexual situations. 

Summary: Harry Potter dies for the 7th time, forcing Death to have a face to skull talk with the young man. After learning of the betrayals heaped upon him, as well as the horrors Voldemort and his followers would go on to perpetrate, Harry agrees to go back as an employee of Death, LLC. This story is an adult comedy based loosely on the Reptilia28 challenge. As an adult comedy, many characters will be OOC and cannon can just take a flying leap. There will be RW/MW/GW/APWBD bashing. Pairing will be Lunar Harmony.

Formatting Notes: 

Thoughts - [ italics ]

Parseltongue - .: bold italics :.

Author Note: Please remember that this is an adult comedy “crackfic” and is obviously AU. There will be plenty of crude (potty) humor. If you recognize the works of the genius Mel Brooks being quoted here, you have led a good life.

Disclaimer: I am not, nor have I ever been J.K. Rowling. If I was, Sirius would still be alive and the likes of the Malfoys and Ron Weasley would have been made to deal with the consequences of their actions. I am making no money from this story.

*HPBV*

Harry Potter leaned his head wearily against the ancient stonework inside the front entrance of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He barely registered the numerous cuts and bruises that covered his body. A particularly jagged, but small cut to his thigh still bled freely. He thumped the back of his head against the grey stone in a futile attempt to break free of the continuous loop of horrors he had already witnessed in this final battle with Voldemort and his Death Eaters. The images that refused to stop playing over and over in his mind were:

  • Colin Creavey falling to an overpowered cutting curse sent by the traitorous Auror Corban Yaxley.
  • Nymphadora Tonks taking a killing curse to the back sent by her psychotic aunt, Bellatrix Lestrange.
  • Remus Lupin exploding into a gory mist after being struck by an organ exploding curse cast by the “Upstanding Pure-blood Ministry Worker” Walden McNair.
  • Fred Weasley falling after Augustus Rookwood banished a dozen stone spears through his chest.
  • Vincent Crabbe, Sr. and Gregory Goyle, Sr. sharing in a passionate, naked snog behind the 6th year greenhouse.

The fact that the murderers had each been stunned and then revived at least once during the battle wasn’t lost on him. Harry was brought out of his loop when his friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley came running down the corridor towards him. 

“Harry! You’re alive!” Hermione exclaimed before she nearly knocked him to the ground with one of her tight, reassuring “hermi-hugs.” The raven haired young man buried his face into his best friend’s bushy, brown hair and continued to cry for the dead. With his eyes closed, Harry failed to see the murderous glare his other “friend” sent the two. Harry pulled back quickly from Hermione when the noises from the battle suddenly fell off.  

The magically amplified voice of the Dark Lord Voldemort floated over the battlefield. “Harry Potter! You alone can end this unnecessary bloodshed. Surrender to me in the clearing just within the Forbidden Forest in 30 minutes, and I will spare all of your friends, you have the word of Lord voldemort,” the noseless one decreed.

“Well… crap. I don’t trust Tom to keep his word, but Snape’s memories made it look like I need to let Tom kill me to finally make snake face mortal,” Harry stated. “What do you guys think?” he asked.

“Honestly, Harry! The prophecy clearly states that neither can live while the other survives. It’s your duty to let Voldemort kill you to give the rest of us a chance at surviving. The sooner you face your destiny, the sooner the rest of us can get on with our lives!” Hermione nearly yelled at him. Harry was so stunned by her vehemence that he failed to notice her glazed eyes and Ron slipping his wand back into his pocket.

Ron nodded his head in fake sadness. “She’s right, mate. You need to face your fate like a real Gryffindor,” he told Harry.

Harry closed his eyes, and took in a deep breath. He missed the single tear sliding down Hermione’s cheek. “Right. You two take care of each other and let Nev and Luna know I’m proud to have been their friend,” Harry said with a weak smile. Squaring his shoulders, Harry Potter turned and walked out of the one place he felt was home.

“Like I plan on ever talking to the squib or Looney ever again,” Ron muttered under his breath.

*HPBV*

The dense trees of the Forbidden Forest thinned out into a clearing ringed with Death Eaters, dark creatures, and the truly scum of the Earth - politicians. Standing in the center of the clearing was one Tom Marvelo Riddle, known to the Wizarding World as Lord Voldemort. The ring of monsters opened to let their lord’s nemesis enter. Low muttering from the crowd swelled as Harry strode purposefully to face his parents murderer. When he was only a few steps away, Voldemort held out his hand. “Your wand, Potter,” the Dark Lord demanded.

“Fine,” Harry growled back as he handed over his wand.

Voldemort looked down at the wand in his hand and then back up at Harry several times. He finally stopped and looked straight into Harry’s eyes. “I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What’s with you man?!” Voldemort taunted while his troops snickered. “You know what… let me give it back to you,” he offered in a slightly less condescending voice, holding out the younger man’s wand. When Harry reached out to take his wand, the Dark Lord snatched it back and tossed it over his shoulder. “Seriously… you fell for that too?! What a loser!”

“Arsehole,” Harry muttered under his breath.

“What was that, Potter?” Voldemort inquired.

“I was just going to point out that you gave your word that you would spare my friends,” Harry said.

Voldemort made a grand gesture with arms towards his followers. “Never let it be said that Lord Voldemort goes back on his word!” he proclaimed. Focussing once again on his enemy, Voldemort hissed out in parseltongue, .: I’ll spare them from the disgrace of living as the pathetic mudbloods, half-bloods, and blood traitors that they are! :. “Any last words, Potter?” Voldemort asked.

[ Fuck me with a bludger! ] Harry mentally cursed. Deciding to be defiant with his last words, images from Voldemort stepping out from the caldron after the resurrection ritual in the graveyard sprung into his head. Taking an obvious glance at Voldemort’s crotch and then back up at the noseless face, Harry smirked. “You may kill me, but at least I’ve had a penis for the last three years,” he taunted.

Voldemort’s red eyes narrowed in hatred. A green light and a snarled, “Avada Kedavra!” were the last things Harry experienced before everything went black.

*HPBV*

After a paradoxically both short and yet eternally long feeling of falling through a void, Harry came to with a jolt sitting in a rather uncomfortable chair in front of a large, brown, ornately carved desk. The desk was in the center of a large office with dark brown wood paneling along the walls. Sitting across from Harry at the desk was a large figure wearing a blask cloak with the hood up. The hooded figure was sitting with it’s back towards Harry, and held a corded phone up to the hood with it’s skeletal left hand. The other hand was hidden in front of the figure.

“So tell me, are you wearing anything under you toga tonight?” a deep voice asked. After a moment the voice added, “Oh yeah! I love it when you act naughty like that!” The dark cloaked figure’s hidden hand started to move rhythmically up and down. The motion froze when Harry politely cleared his throat to announce his presence. “Hold that thought love, my secretary let some lost soul into my office. I’ll call you back,” the deep voice said and hung up the phone. Harry heard the distinct noise of a trouser’s zipper going up. 

The black cloaked figure spun around before both occupants of the room let out a startled yelp as Harry Potter came face to skull with Death. “Well… fuck,” they both blurted out.

Harry’s brain rebooted and a look of pure confusion crossed his face as he stared at the cloaked skeleton. Pointing a finger at the phone, Harry stammered, “Wait… how… skeleton…”

Death snorted in amusement. “There is a reason it’s called a ‘boner’. Anything beyond that is a rather personal question, don’t you think, Harry Potter?” Death replied.

“Um, right… sorry,” Harry said lamely.

Death shook his head and sighed loudly. “My wife is going to beat me to myself when she finds out you’re here early again. After that she’ll probably make me sleep on our futon for the next millennium. Have you ever tried to sleep on a futon?” he moaned. When Harry shook his head, Death went on. “There’s a reason why we supply them to the folks in hell to use in their every 666 year rest break.”

Harry just sat silently listening to Death rant until something the Grim Reaper said sunk in. “What do you mean here again? I don’t remember this office, and I sure don’t remember talking with who I assume is Death,” he inquired.

“Of course you don’t remember. Every client of Death, LLC that has to be returned to Earth gets their memories wiped before we send them back,” Death explained. “For your information, young man, this is your seventh premature arrival. While every man has a premature arrival at least once, seven times is pretty sad,” he lectured.

“I’ve died seven times?” Harry asked for clarification.

Death held up one bony finger in a gesture for Harry to wait as he opened a drawer on his desk with the other hand. Reaching into the drawer, Death pulled out seven thick folders and dropped them on his desk making a loud “thwack” sound. The Grim Reaper opened the first folder and began to summarize what was in there.

“Your first premature arrival was the evening after your parents were killed. Hagrid was taking you the Dursley’s on Sirius Black’s flying motorcycle. He sneezed when he flew into the pollution above London. Turns out that not even a magical child can bounce after falling 300 meters. On the plus side, you landed on a mime sending you both to us,” Death told him.

“At least some good came out of it,” Harry agreed.

Death slid the first file to the side and opened the next one. “The second premature arrival occured during your first quidditch game. You caught the snitch like you remember, but that time you choked on the damned thing. Things might have worked out for you since a muggle-born sixth year jumped down onto the pitch and attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on you. He was stunned by several professors since they thought he was trying to sodomize you. It didn’t help that the Slytherin stands were chanting ‘Surprise Butt-Sex!’. Thus your second time here,” he said.

“Fuck me,” Harry swore.

Death nodded his skull, “Yes, that’s what they thought.” He slid the folder over, and opened the third one. “Your third premature arrival happened in the Chamber of Secrets after you killed the basilisk. You only managed to take one step away from the giant snake before it gave one last death shudder, rolling over onto you. The pressure of that much snake on you popped your head like a zit. Ended up splattering your brains all over the diary and Ginny Weasley,” Death told him.

Death slid the third folder over and looked down at the fourth one. It was covered in yellow warning tape, sealing it completely. With a shudder, he slid it over to the done pile without opening it.

“What happened during my fourth death?” Harry asked, unable to contain his curiosity.

Death leaned back in his chair before pointing at a spot on the floor behind Harry. “That’s where you arrived after you died a fourth time. You were curled up in a fetal position moaning something about rubber chickens. When I couldn’t get you to stop or make any sense, I made the mistake of reading the file,” he said. For a moment Death stared straight ahead, not moving, as he relived the horrible memory. Eventually he spoke again. “My secretary came in and found me curled up, moaning next to you. After mercifully wiping your memory, I sealed the file,” Death explained.

Without giving Harry a chance to respond, Death opened up the fifth folder and then chuckled a bit. “Your fifth premature arrival happened thanks to the first task of the improperly named Tri-Wizard Tournament. Seriously, there was a witch competing and there were four of you,” he said. When Harry made a “get on with it” motion with his hand. Death nodded his skull. “Right, sorry. Anyway, during the first task you got too close to the dragon while flying around. The dragon’s flame lit the twigs on your Firebolt on fire. The combination of dragon flame and the Firebolt’s proprietary runes under the twigs caused something akin to the afterburners on a muggle fighter jet. You ended up as the youngest wizard in space. Like the wizards who had reached space before you, you found out re-entry is a real bitch,” the Grim Reaper stated. “The poor American military pissed themselves trying to figure out why the UK had launched a ‘missile’ without warning them,” he snorted in mirth at what he labeled the “Space Boy” folder.

That file folder was slid to join its predecessors. Death’s mirth quickly dried up as he opened the sixth folder. “Your sixth time in my office was thanks to your battle in the Department of Mysteries. You were fighting in the room with the entrance to my walk-in closet,” he told Harry.

“Wait… hold on,” Harry interrupted. “The Veil of Death is the entrance to your closet?” he asked, not believing he had heard right. 

Death nodded his head. “Yes, and I still can’t figure out how an interdimensional doorway ended up below London,” he replied, shaking his head in wonder.

“Please don’t take offense, but why do you need a closet anyway? Aren’t you always in that cloak?” Harry asked politely. He managed to bite back a laugh as an image of Death wearing a Hawiian shirt, shorts, and sandals with socks popped into his head.

Death leaned over his desk menacingly, causing Harry to shrink back in his chair. “Mr. Potter, do you have any idea how many thousands of different shades of black there are?” he demanded.

“Um… no, sir. Sorry, sir,” Harry stammered.

Death leaned back and chuckled, making a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Neither do I, but apparently my wife does. She bought me a cloak in each one. Just between you and me, I think they all look the same and just grab one at random,” he admitted conspiratorially.

“Anyway, back to the sixth time you died,” Death said, bringing the conversation back on track. “You and your friends were holding your own until you took a bludgeoning hex right in the balls. Everyone, your friends and Death Eaters alike, were too busy wincing and saying ‘ouch’ to stop you from stumbling through the arch. Since no mortal can exist in my closet, you were redirected here,” Death explained as Harry crossed his legs protectively.

Death tapped the final folder with one skeletal finger. “And that brings us to your most recent premature arrival. What in the name of Charon’s moldy nutsack did you think you were doing letting Tom Riddle kill you without putting up any sort of fight whatsoever?!” he snarled.

“What choice did I have?!” Harry shot back. “Besides, Ron and Hermione thought I should do it. I can’t think of a time when Hermione has steered me wrong, and I doubt my best-mate would just have me waltz out and kill myself for no good reason,” he argued.

Death smacked his skull above his eye sockets with a skeletal hand. “Crap, I always forget about the love and loyalty potions,” he muttered to himself, barely loud enough for Harry to hear.

“Potions?! What potions? What are you talking abou… AAYEEE!” Harry screamed the last bit as Death pressed a hidden button under his desk, dropping a bucket of cold water from the River Styx on the young man. After much trial and error (along with plenty of laughs along the way) Death had come up with just the right amount of water from the Styx needed to flush mind altering potions from the recently departed.

“Tell me, Harry, what are your feelings towards Ron Weasley now?” Death asked patiently.

Without hesitating, Harry replied, “He’s a greedy, idiotic, backstabbing arsehole whose only accomplishment is the disgusting amount of food he shovels into his gob at every meal.” Harry stilled for a moment as he processed what he had just said. Death nodded his skull. “Shite…,” Harry sighed. “And the love potion?” he asked dejectedly.

“Fangirl who looks like your mum ring any bells,” Death  replied.

“Well, fuck,” Harry swore. “What about Hermione? Please tell me my friendship with her wasn’t potion induced,” he begged.

Death laughed at Harry’s question. “Are you serious? If given half a chance, that young lady would fight her way through both Heaven and Hell just to bang on my door, demanding I give you back to her,” he responded. After a moment of silent introspection, Death added, “Come to think of it, I think it was only sending you back the previous times and the imperius curse Ron had her under near the end this last time kept her from doing just that.”

Harry sighed in relief. Memories of the last time he saw Hermione were triggered by Death’s comment about Ron using the imperius curse on Hermione. He ground his teeth in rage before he spat out, “I’ll kill that redheaded wank stain!”

“Ahhh, you see there lies in the problem of you having died seven times. Mortals are only allotted seven chances at fulfilling their destiny. Since you have reached your limit, you won’t be getting another chance to fulfill the prophecy, bind your soul with either of your soulmates, and live to a ripe old age of 212 with your lover. Voldemort will go to rule the Wizarding World after completely destroying Hogwarts, killing everyone who took shelter there,” Death said.

“Backup a tick. What do you mean by my soulmates?” Harry requested.

Death opened his desk drawer again and rifled around a bit before withdrawing another file before opening it. “According to my wife, Lachesis, and her friend Aphrodite, you were fated to meet and fall in love with either one Hermione Granger or a Miss Luna Lovegood. If you were truly lucky, you might have ended up with both of them. And when I say lucky, I mean LUCKY! It’s always the brainy ones if you know what I mean,” he replied.

“Actually, I don’t. I led a rather sheltered life,” Harry admitted. Death leaned across his desk and beckoned Harry forward with a crooked finger. When Harry leaned forward as well, Death whispered in Harry’s ear. While Death explained things to Harry, the young wizard’s eyes got wider and wider. When Death was finished, they both leaned back into their chairs. “Are you SURE there isn’t any way I can go back?” Harry pleaded.

Death tapped his lower jaw while he thought. “Well, there might be one way, but I’m not sure if you’ll go for it. You see, while mortals can’t go back after seven deaths, we can send employees of Death, LLC back one extra time. Of course while you aren’t on the clock, you can spend your free time however (or with whomever) you want,” Death said, baiting the hook.

Harry was about to agree to anything when a voice that sounded like Hermione’s reminded him not to leap before looking once again. A voice like Luna’s asked if there was any pudding in the afterlife. “What exactly would I be doing as an employee?” Harry asked for clarification.

“Simply put, our employees find those special individuals truly deserving of hell and give them a one way, express ticket there,” Death replied. The Grim Reaper turned slightly and pointed to a wall on Harry’s left side. “I’m confident that with enough hard work and the help of either one or both of your soulmates, you might be able to break into this century’s top 3 employees,” he suggested.

Harry looked to where Death was pointing. At the number three spot was the name, “James Bond” followed by “Frank Castle” at number two. Harry did a double take when he read who had top honors. “Are you seriously trying to tell me Elton John is your top employee?” he asked.

Death shrugged. “Our best employees have almost always been those who no one would ever suspect,” he replied.

“Makes sense, I guess,” Harry conceded. “Back to what you said earlier. By deserving people, I take it you mean Death Eaters and folks like them?” he inquired. 

Again Death nodded before he added, “And Ron...”

“Sold!” Harry blurted out, interrupting Death.

“Excellent!” Death exclaimed. With a snap of his fingers, a contract made from the finest animal skin appeared on his desk. A second snap of his fingers produced a quill made from a raven’s feather. He slid both towards Harry. “While you’re reading the contract, I’ll go over some of our employee benefits. One of the primary ones for those working in the Wizarding World is our own special brand of Occlumency and Legilimency,” Death said.

Harry looked up from reading the contract. “I can understand why I might need Occlumency, but why Legilimency?” he asked.

“Every once in a while, you might come across a target who you are on the fence about so to speak. This version of Legilimency allows you to look directly into their souls to see the stains they've accumulated. It also gives you the ability to share your memories with a soulmate,” Death replied. Harry nodded that he understood and went back to reading the contract. When he was done, Harry looked up and reached for the raven quill. “Good, now all you need to do is sign where indicated by the post-it notes,” Death instructed.

When he finished adding his signature, Harry put down the quill. “Done! So when do I head…” he started to say before disappearing from the office.

Right after the newest employee for Death, LLC was sent back to the mortal realm, a beautiful woman wearing a shiny, white toga faded into view next to Death’s chair. “That had to be the biggest load of hippogriff shit I’ve heard this millenium! You know damn well that my children of prophecy get extra lives due to how imprecise most of my employees can be,” Fate scolded her husband.

Death held up both hands to stop his wife from going on a Hermione like rant. “Peace, Lachesis. I have a good reason for what I did,” he replied.

“I’m listening, and it better be good,” she said.

“Since you yourself proclaimed that Harry would be the Peverell descendant to finally combine all of my hallows to become my boss, I thought I would teach him the ins and outs of my company by starting in an entry level position,” Death explained.

Fate thought for a moment and smiled as she slid onto her husband’s desk. “Ooh, you know how I love it when you’re sneaky!” she purred.

“I do get the occasional good idea every thousand years or so,” Death joked.

“Well, I for one think you should be rewarded for this one,” she told him. “How about we finish in person what we started on the phone earlier,” Fate offered as she swung her legs open, showing she truly wasn’t wearing anything under her toga.

“SCHWING!” Death exclaimed happily.



  

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Chapter Text

Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Chapter 2

After spending a much more enjoyable trip through the void (this trip included an inflight movie and snacks), Harry Potter rejoined the mortal world with a jolt. He opened his eyes to see he was sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express. Hermione was sitting across from him with Ron next to her. A glance to the side showed Ginny sitting next Harry. [ Crap… I forgot to ask when I was going to return to, ] Harry chided himself.

Harry’s attention was redirected when the door to the compartment opened and a beautiful, young blonde girl stepped inside. “Welcome back, Harry Potter. You just ended your third year,” Luna Lovegood announced.

Ron and Ginny both sported disgusted expressions. “Go away, Loony! No one wants to hear your crazy talk!” Ron snarled.

Not able to take Ron’s presence any longer, Harry whipped out his wand and cast a silent stunner at the betrayer. Luna quickly followed Harry’s lead and sent a verbal, “Stupefy!” at Ginny.

“Harry! What’s gotten into you? Why did you attack Ron? Who is this girl? When did you learn to cast silently? Well, I’m waiting!” Hermione rambled in a verbal broadside as she jumped up from the bench.

Luna put her fist on her hip in a fairly good imitation of Hermione’s displeased pose #3. “Honestly Hermione Granger, you need to give Harry Potter a moment to collect his thoughts. He’s just getting over being dead and suddenly getting better!” she chided the bushy haired girl. Luna shook her head and went back to her usual dreamy expression. “Wow, that felt awkward. I think I’ll stick with just being Luna from now on,” she muttered.

Hermione’s angry expression was chased away by a horrified one. “Harry dead? What… how… ?” she mumbled as she tried to process what Luna said.

Harry put his hand on Hermione’s shoulder and gently eased her back onto the bench. “I’ll explain in just a moment, but first I need to ask Luna some questions,” Harry reassured her. He turned towards his other potential soulmate. “Luna, how do you know I died and came back?” he asked gently.

“You’re not the only employee of an anthropomorphic personification of a universal constant, Harry Potter,” Luna responded.

“A what?” Harry replied.

Luna rolled her blueish silver eyes that reminded Harry of a patronus. “I work for Fate. I’m a seer,” she explained.

“Divination, humph!” Hermione grumbled.

Luna turned to look at Hermione and gave her a dreamy smile. “Divination is all about trying to predict the future. Being a seer is about trying to make sense of the multiple timelines that we can see,” she told the older girl. “You, like most people, assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a nonlinear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey… stuff. Wow, that sentence really got away from me,” Luna stated. Both Harry and Hermione just stared at Luna blinking a few times. “On second thought, try not to think about it. It will only make your eyes cross,” Luna suggested.

Harry shook his head to try and reboot his brain. “Right, don’t think about it. No problem,” he assured Luna. 

“You still haven’t told me why you two attacked Ron and Ginny!” Hermione reminded them sharply.

Luna tilted her head slightly as she gave Hermione a curious glance. “That’s odd. I would have thought the purging potion would have cleared out the loyalty potions from our potential soulmate, Harry Potter,” she said.

Hermione jumped to her feet again. “Potions… soulmates… what are you talking about?!” she demanded.

“Oops, we haven’t gotten to that point in the story yet. Sorry, Hermione Granger. Also, my uncle Wade said to tell you ‘Hi’ and he thought you were dead sexy at the Yule Ball,” Luna told her.

Hermione gave Harry a pleading look that begged for help. He just shrugged his shoulders, having only a slightly better clue as to what the hell Luna was talking about. Harry held out his hand and put a finger on Luna’s lips. “Luna stop before you permanently break Hermione,” he ordered gently. “Let’s break down the parts of what you said that we can actually understand. First off, what purging potion?” he asked.

Luna rolled her eyes. “The purging potion I gave her, obviously,” she replied. After a moment where she looked between Harry and Hermione, Luna stuck her hand into the pocket of her robe. “Oops, sorry. Sometimes I forget when I am. I was talking about this purging potion,” she said airily while withdrawing the bottle.

Before Hermione could start blasting questions again, Harry decided to try and explain things in a non-Luna like manner. “Hermione, Ron and Ginny have been slipping us loyalty potions,” he told her.

“Honestly Harry, that’s ridiculous. Ron and Ginny are our friends. He’s your best mate,” Hermione argued.

Inspiration struck Harry and he decided to rely on Hermione's sense of fair play. “Hermione, think back to what Ron said when Luna came into the compartment. How would you react if someone like Malfoy had said the same thing?” he inquired.

“That’s hardly a fair comparison, Harry. Malfoy is an arrogant bigot, and Ron is… well, Ron,” Hermione argued.

Luna took Hermione by the hand and passed over the purging potion. “You have nothing to lose by taking this purging potion, Hermione Granger. It is specially keyed to only work with loyalty or love potions. If you don’t have anything in your system, then nothing will happen. If you do have them in your system, well… I would suggest you sit down before taking the purging potion, and by sit down, I mean the loo,” she tried to explain.

Harry shocked Hermione when he initiated physical contact by taking her free hand in his. “Hermione, you know that I trust you with my life, right?” he asked. Hermione nodded her head. “I trust Luna just as much. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she would never purposefully hurt either one of us. I know it’s hard for you to take things on faith, but please believe me,” he stated.

Hermione looked into Harry’s pleading green eyes. “Fine, I’ll head to the loo and take the potion, but when nothing happens, I’ll expect you to revive Ron and Ginny and apologise profusely to them,” she told her first real friend. Hermione stepped past Luna and headed toward the loo at the back of the train car.

“We can follow her as soon as I make my decision, Harry Potter,” Luna told him.

“Anything I can help with?” Harry offered.

Luna shook her head and then glared down at the still stunned form of Ron Weasley. “No, but thank you Harry Potter. I’m simply trying to decide if I want to punch a dickhead, or punch a dick in the head,” she replied. Luna made her decision and stepped forward quickly. She bent over slightly and punched Ron in the crotch as hard as her lithe, little form could muster. While he would normally wince from seeing another male receive trauma to the groin, Harry couldn’t find it himself to care. “I feel better now, Harry Potter. Let’s go find our future soulmate. I’m sure she will need some moral support, or at least that’s what I think friends do for one another,” she stated, a hint of sadness at the end. Harry reached over, and pulled Luna into a hug and kissed her forehead.

*HPBV*

Harry and Luna sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the loo Hermione was currently occupying. “Got any Nargles?” Luna asked.

“Go fish,” Harry replied. Luna drew another card from the pile between them. Before Harry could take his turn, they heard another bout of moans mixed amongst even less pleasant noises.

“Harry Potter, I need to make my bi-monthly report into the company soon, and I plan on covering what has happened today. Would you classify that last noise as a ‘sploosh’ or more of a ‘splorch’?” she asked him. 

“Personally, I would lean more towards the ‘splorch’ followed by a ‘splat’,” Harry replied.

They were both very relieved for their friend when they finally heard a flush followed by Hermione casting several cleaning spells. She opened the door and stepped out, looking both physically and mentally drained.

Luna pulled out another bottle from her robe pocket. “Here Hermione Granger, you need to replenish the electrolytes and fluid you just lost,” she told the bushy haired young woman.

Feeling far too wiped out to argue, Hermione undid the top and took a big swig of the orange concoction. Her eyes opened wider when she recognized the taste. “Wait… is this what I think it is?” she asked, not really believing her taste buds.

“If you are thinking it is a potion developed by Gustof Gator for Quidditch players, then yes it is,” Luna replied.

Harry took a deep breath, knowing he had to find out if the purging potion had done its job. “Hermione, without thinking too hard about it, describe Ron Weasley,” he instructed.

“He’s a greedy, jealous berk with delusions of adequacy who constantly belittles me and just about everyone else,” Hermione replied. When she realized what she had said, her eyes narrowed in anger. “I’m going to give that waste of good oxygen a piece of my mind!” she swore.

Harry held up his hand to stop Hermione. “I agree the walking stomach deserves a good bollocking, but I want to break his spirit first,” he told her.

Hermione lifted one eyebrow. “Go on,” she suggested.

“Let’s head back to our compartment so we can get started on the fun,” he said. 

“Wait, before we go I wanted to apologize to you and Luna,” Hermione said. “I don’t even want to think about what those potions would have eventually led to,” she said in a small voice.

Harry again shocked Hermione, this time by initiating a hug. “I’ll always have your back, just like I know you will always have mine,” he whispered into her bushy hair. After a moment of just hugging each other, Harry let go and stepped back.

“You’re welcome, Hermione Granger,” Luna said dreamily.

“Luna, why do you always use our last names as well?” Hermione asked.

For a brief instant, Luna looked down at her shoes and then schooled her features back into her usual dreamy mask. “My mother taught me that you should always use a person’s last name unless you are friends with them,” she replied. Before she could react, Hermione launched herself at the young blonde and wrapped her up in a “hermi-hug”. Luna’s other side was soon covered by a Potter version of the same hug. This caused Luna to start sniffling and softly crying.

When Luna’s sniffles finally abated, Harry and Hermione stepped back. “Just so you know, Luna, I consider myself very British and will only hug those who I feel are true friends. And for Harry, I’m fairly confident that may have been only the second time he has ever initiated a hug. Consider yourself befriended,” Hermione told her newest friend.

Smiling, Harry offered an arm to each girl who accepted happily. The three teenagers (Luna’s birthday being a week after Hermione’s) made their way back into their compartment where the red-headed traitors still sat stunned.

Luna looked into Hermione’s face and saw the older witch was still fuming. “Earlier, I punched Ronald Weasley in the groin and felt much better both on a personal level as well the hope that it might prevent him from reproducing in the future. Perhaps doing the same might make you feel better, Hermoine Gr… Hermione,” she offered, catching herself at the very end.

Hermione nodded and then slammed her fist into Ron’s little beater’s bat with a punch that made the one she gave Malfoy look like a love tap. She stood straight and smoothed out her skirt. “You’re right Luna, that did make me feel better,” she told her new friend. Luna gave her a wide smile. “All though it still leaves us having to see Ron and Ginny’s faces until we reach London,” Hermione complained.

“Not a problem, Hermione,” Harry said with a smirk. He pulled out his wand and transfigured the two weasleys into matching throw pillows with tassels the same red as their hair. The only difference was one pillow had a picture of Ron’s face while the other had Ginny’s. To show Hermione that she wouldn’t have to look at the faces, Harry grabbed the Ron pillow and promptly sat on it.

Luna clapped in joy. “Yay! I’ve always wanted to sit on Ginny’s face!” she exclaimed. When the dirty blonde haired girl noticed the room had gone very quiet, she shrugged her shoulders and sat down on the Ginny pillow. “What? She’s kinda hot in a psychotic, stalkerish fangirl sort of way. I’m not even wearing knickers,” she told them.

Deciding it was best to pick her battles if she wanted to keep a hold of any of her sanity, Hermione focused her attention on Harry instead of Luna. “All right, mister, talk. When did you learn to cast silently? Speaking of that, when did you learn to do NEWT level transfiguration? What did Luna mean by saying that you died but then got better?” she rattled off like a machine gun.

[ Never change, Hermione, ] Harry thought. “In order of asked: that would be during my sixth year, what would have been my seventh year, and I died about 4 years from now, but my new employer sent me back,” he answered. Hermione sat stone still, only her eyes blinking as she tried to process what he said.

Luna tugged on Harry’s sleeve to get his attention. “This would probably be a good time to initiate your soulmate bond with Hermione. Once that’s done, you can share your memories with her,” she suggested. Luna laughed when she saw how terrified Harry looked. “Really, Harry? After everything you have faced, the thought of kissing the girl that means everything to you scares you silly?” she teased.

Luna’s grin got even bigger when she heard Harry mutter, “One of the two.” 

“Kiss me? I’m the girl that means everything to you?” Hermione gasped.

“Yes, and yes, Hermione,” Harry said with a nod. “Hermione, will you be my girlfriend, and may I kiss you?” he asked, his green eyes locked onto her brown ones. 

Hermione couldn’t believe what she was hearing. As a girl, she had matured emotionally faster than the boys she knew. At 12 years old, she had known what it meant to fall in love with someone. That someone was a messy haired boy who jumped on the back of a troll and shoved his wand up its nose to save her life. That same boy was now asking her to be his girlfriend. The only problem she was having was whether to answer with a yes or a more forceful, hell yes. In the end, she simply nodded her head, tears of joy leaking onto her cheeks.

“Um, was that a yes to the first question, or the second one?” Harry asked nervously.

Hermione closed the distance with Harry and grabbed the front of his robes. “Both,” she replied before kissing her new boyfriend. Eventually they broke apart, both grinning with knowledge that they were meant to be together. “Now what was that about sharing your memories?” she asked.

Harry placed a hand on Hermione’s cheek. He looked into her eyes and used the Legilimency that could only work with his soulmate. Harry was thoroughly unprepared for the feeling of love that filtered back along the connection as he shared his memories of his previous four years. When the connection broke Hermoine leaned her forehead against Harry’s. “I’ll always have your back, and you’ll always have mine,” she repeated from earlier.

The tender moment was broken when Luna yelled out, “My turn!” The tiny blonde spun Harry around, threw him onto the bench, and launched herself on top of him. Before he could say anything other than squawk in surprise, Luna had her lips pressed against his. Harry shot a panicked glance at Hermione. For her part, Hermione flew through Harry’s memories of Luna. When she had assimilated all of them, she gave him a small smile while nodding her head. Not having to be told twice, Harry kissed Luna back with equal enthusiasm.

While Luna and Harry snogged, Hermione went about the task of assimilating the rest of the memories that Harry had shared with her. She went through each year, hating Ron and Ginny a little bit more with each memory. Hermione blushed when she got to the part when Death was explaining the benefits of having two soulmates. When she was done, she noticed a set of memories that seemed to be housed in a folder with the words “For Hermione Granger’s Eyes Only” and stamped with the seal of Death, LLC.

Hermione almost threw up when she opened the folder and experienced Harry’s life with the Dursleys from when he was dropped off like a jug of milk up until when he blew up “Aunt” Marge. She saw every beating, every hurtful word, and every time they starved a young boy who couldn’t defend himself. [ Those… those… utter bastards! ] she mentally swore. Hermione quickly made a plan in order to protect the young man she loved.

Hermione tapped Harry and Luna on the shoulders to get their attention. “Sorry to interrupt you two, but I need to borrow Hedwig,” she said. “Death left me extra memories - ones involving the Dursleys. There is absolutely no way I am letting you go back to those monsters! I’ll just write to my parents and let them know you will be staying with us for the summer,” Hermione told him in a tone that clearly said it was not up for discussion.

Luna gave Hermione her best puppy dog eyes, which were extremely effective considering how large and beautiful those eyes were. “Would you ask them if I could stay as well? Daddy is setting off on an expedition to find the legendary BBBB and I’d rather not be there if he finds it,” she pleaded.

“What’s the BBBB?” Hermione asked.

Luna’s attention had drifted and she seemed to have to force herself to come back to the conversation. “The Buxom Blonde Bimbo of Borneo, of course,” she finally replied.

“Right, two guests for the summer,” Hermione said while nodding her head. She wouldn’t want to be with her father if he was trying to track down a Buxom Blonde Bimbo from any country. Hermione dug out a quill and parchment from her trunk. She wrote a hasty note explaining that she wanted to have two friends over for the summer and why. Hedwig gladly took the note from her familiar’s bushy haired mate. Harry opened the compartment window and then closed it once Hedwig was on her way to the Grangers. The girls then spent the next hour taking turns kissing their new boyfriend.

It was a happily dazed Harry who heard the snack trolley approaching their compartment. He gave an evil smirk as he came up with a plan to begin making Ron’s life a living hell. “Would either of you two lovely ladies like something from the snack trolley? I plan on buying out their entire stock of caldron cakes,” he told his soulmates.

“Caldron cakes? Why would you get those? You know they give you terrible gas, Harry,” Hermione reminded him. In answer, Harry nodded and then pointed to the Ron pillow he was sitting on. Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed, “Boys.”

“I’ll take as many licorice wands as you get Harry,” Luna requested. 

It was only 20 minutes after Harry ate the first caldron cake that he let loose with a fart that was fairly muffled by the Ron pillow, but still loud enough for the others to hear. “Really, Harry! I’m surprised at you,” Luna chided him. “This is how you do it,” she said before letting loose with a much longer, louder fart. 

“I’m going to open the window,” Hermione announced.

“WAIT! We can't open the window for another 23 and half minutes!” Luna yelled. When she saw the confused looks on Harry and Hermione’s faces she went on. “Trust me, it will be worth it. We can just have Harry cast the bubble head charm on all of us.”

Hermione shook her head in resignation. “Fine, at least I know he can cast it from his memories,” she said.

Harry did as he was asked and first cast the charm at Hermione and then Luna. He had just finished casting it on himself when he felt a sharp pain as if someone was poking his testicles with a needle. Harry glanced down and saw a rather irate orange cat with his paw on Harry’s crotch, claws extended. “Sorry, Crooks, I’ll take care of that right away,” he assured the familiar before casting a fourth bubble head charm.

Harry and Luna spent the rest of the allotted time trying to one up the other in terms of both volume and length in regards to their flatulence. Things got so bad, the air in the compartment began to have a distinct haze to it. They were startled out of their competition when the door to their compartment was thrown open by Draco Malfoy and his two trained gorillas.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Scarhead, and… and… ack!” Draco managed to get out before his eyes rolled back in his head. He fell out of the compartment, his hair curling, leaving him looking like a passed out albino, Shirley Temple.

“Smelllllsss baaadddd!” Crabbe moaned as he drug his boss back down the train to their own compartment.

“Okay, now we can open the window,” Luna told Harry and Hermione.

The compartment had finally cleared out by the time the Hogwarts Express rolled into King’s Cross Station. With a weary sigh, Harry transfigured the pillows back to their human forms. He waited until the train had been stopped for a few minutes before reviving the Weasleys. “Hey you two, wake up! We’ve reached London,” Harry yelled as he shepherded Hermione and Luna out of the compartment in front of him.

The trio stood behind a pillar as they watched the other students disembark. Draco’s hair was still curled and he staggered as if he were drunk. Once Ron and Ginny finally got off, no one was willing to stand with ten feet of the siblings. Ginny pulled her long hair into her face and gave it a deep sniff. The next instant she was bent over the edge of the platform performing an impressive 3d burp.

Molly Weasley took a sniff of her son and recoiled. “Honestly Ronald, I thought we had got you over your little accidents last year!”

Harry, Hermione, and Luna grinned at each other, satisfied in a job well done. 

Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Chapter Text

Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Chapter 3

Hermione started to lead her friends towards the barrier between PLatform 9 ¾ and the rest of King's Cross station when she was stopped by her boyfriend putting his hand on her arm. "Wait a minute, Hermione. I think I probably need to go back to the Dursleys' house this evening. From what I remember of my last go around of June 1994, Vernon will be waiting on the other side of the barrier for me. If I don't go back to the Dursleys' house, one of Dumbledore's spies either here or in their neighborhood will let old Fumbleduck know. As soon as he does, the old bastard will pull some hippogriff shite to force me back," Harry said dejectedly.

"Spies, Harry? I'm sure Professor Dummbledore wouldn't do that. He's a great…" Hermione started to say before she halted in mid sentence, slapping her forehead with her hand. In her best overly dramatic voice Hermione snarled, "Damn you, operant conditioning! Damn you to hell!"

Luna tilted her head and looked at Hermione. "Wow! I've never seen a wrackspurt arrive and then leave so quickly. It's almost like someone lit its little, itty bitty testicles on fire," Luna murmured. Louder she asked, "Feeling better, Hermione?"

"Much, thank you," Hermione replied, giving Luna a smile. She became more serious as she looked back at their boyfriend. "You're probably right, Harry. From what I know (and have seen in your memories), the Headmaster does seem to have a really unhealthy fixation on you," she admitted.

"Don't worry, Hermione. As soon as I get to Durzkaban, I'll make some excuse about needing to make extra money. Then I'll tell the amazing Walrus-man and his wife, Ostrich-woman, that I'm going to ask the neighbors if they need any work done around their houses. The first place I'll head to will be Mrs. Figg's house. At this point in the timeline, she should be the only spy in the neighborhood. I'll just sneak out of the house the next morning or afternoon," Harry said.

"No, Harry! I'll have my parents bring Luna and I to the Dursley's first thing in the morning to pick you up. You ARE NOT going to spend more than one minute longer there than you have to," Hermione told Harry, leaving no room for discussion. For her part, Luna nodded her head, agreeing with her co-girlfriend.

Harry ran his hands through his messy, black hair nervously. "I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Hermione. I don't want Vernon or Dudley to hurt either of you or your parents," Harry stated. He wasn't expecting Hermione's smug look.

"Don't worry about it, Harry. I'm sure my mum can handle anything the Dursley males can throw at her," Hermione reassured him.

"Just your mum? What about your dad?" Luna asked.

Hermione just shrugged her shoulders, still smirking. "My father is very non-confrontational. Mum, not so much so. She plays right wing for the Streatham Storm Women's Hockey team. She's also their unofficial enforcer," she explained.

Harry's jaw dropped in surprise. "Your mum's a hockey enforcer?! Aren't your parents dentists? Isn't that some sort of conflict of interest?" Harry babbled.

Deciding to take a page out of Harry's playbook, Hermione replied, "Yes, yes, and not really. They look at it as simply a sound business practice."

"Okay then, that totally explains how you put Malfoy on his arse this year. I almost feel bad for the Dursleys now… nah, nevermind. They deserve whatever happens to them if they try to mess with your mum," Harry said. Before he could lose his nerve, Harry gave a quick kiss to first Hermione and then Luna before making his way through the barrier to face his Uncle Vernon.

As Harry passed into the muggle area of the station, he heard Luna asking Hermione, "What's hockey, and why do they need things enforced? Also, what's a dentist?"

*HPBV*

The next morning, the Dursleys sat down to a meager breakfast of grapefruits instead of their typical English breakfast. The school nurse at Smeltings had noticed how morbidly obese Dudley was becoming, and had sent home a letter. It spelled out plainly that either Dudley lost weight, or he wouldn't be allowed back due to health concerns. Not wanting her precious Duddykins to feel like he was missing out on anything, Petunia Dursley had decreed that they would all be going on a diet along with him. She had already berated her nephew for wasting food when he had made their normal breakfast since she hadn't bothered to inform him of the new menu changes. Vernon was about to try and slap Harry for the waste when the doorbell rang, distracting him.

"Who the bloody hell could that be at this time of the morning?!" Vernon Dursley swore. "Don't just stand there, boy, go answer the door!" he ordered his slave… er, nephew. Harry hurried to comply, unable to hide his smile. "Wait! Why are you smiling, boy? It's one of your freak friends, isn't it?!" the walrus like man bellowed.

Dudley snorted at what his father had said. "Friends?! How could the freak have any friends?" he asked before sneaking a bite of the chocolate biscuit he had stashed in the pocket of his trousers.

Petunia pretended that she hadn't seen Dudley break his diet within the first 15 minutes of being on it. Instead, she first scowled at Harry and then gave Vernon a pleading look. "Make them go away, Vernon. That hag, Mrs. May, will be starting her gossip rounds soon, and I don't want her to see any freakishness at our door," she requested.

Vernon pushed himself away from the table with a huge grunt and waddled into the hallway. As he walked by, he grabbed the youth cricket bat that he always kept near the cupboard under the stairs. "Not to worry, pet. I'll just go and see if the Freak-be-good stick is any better at beating the freakyness out of the freak's freaky freak friends," Vernon assured his wife with a sick grin.

[Wow, someone really needs to get their freak on,] Harry chuckled silently to himself. He then nearly gagged when he realized he had just suggested Vernon and Petunia have sex. [On second thought, nevermind.]

Vernon somehow managed to hurry towards the front door without giving himself a heart attack. He raised his miniature cricket bat with one hand and yanked open the door with the other. Vernon quickly hid the bat behind his leg when he registered the presence of a rather nice Jaguar in their driveway. Eventually, he stopped drooling over the luxury car, and looked at the man wearing a very respectable tweed jacket standing in front of him.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Matt Granger. Is this #4 Privet Drive?" Hermione's father asked politely, despite how rudely the obese man had opened the door or the horrible things Matt had heard after ringing the doorbell.

"Um… yes, this is #4 Privet Drive. How can we help you, er… doctor was it?" Vernon replied slowly as his piggy little mind tried to come up with a reason for an obviously well to-do doctor visiting them this early in the morning. Petunia couldn't wait to have something to gossip about, and made her way to stand behind her husband.

"Oh, good. I'm glad to see my map reading skills are still up to snuff," Matt said pleasantly. He leaned slightly to the side to look beyond the walrus like man and ostrich like woman to see a young man he remembered meeting a few years ago. "Hello, Mr. Potter. Ready to leave for the summer?" he inquired.

Vernon's face purpled in jealousy and rage when he realized the wealthy doctor was not only here to see his worthless freak of a nephew, but was also suggesting that he was going to take away the Dursleys' summer time slave. "I knew it! You're another one of those freaks! I'll be damned if I'm going to let that worthless boy go with you anywhere! He's going to be spending every waking moment doing chores around here to make up for us having to take his freaky hide in!" he yelled while raising the small cricket bat up over his head.

Matt sighed loudly, and shook his head. "Just remember, I tried to do things my way to start with. Now we'll just have to do it the way my wife wanted to from the start," he said almost apologetically. Matt stepped to the left of the door and looked back at his beautiful, bushy haired wife, Dr. Alex Granger. "Game on, dear," Matt announced.

"Game on," Alex acknowledged.

Vernon sneered at the woman who was pulling something out of the Jaguar's boot. His brows creased in confusion as he watched her toss a handful of hockey pucks onto their driveway. His sneer turned into a look of worry when the woman pulled out a large hockey stick from the boot before shutting the lid. Vernon glanced at the hockey stick and then up at his tiny cricket bat before looking back to the hockey stick. His self preservation instincts kicked in and he tried to shut the door. He only managed to put his free hand on the door handle before a very solid disk of vulcanized rubber slammed into his groin at around 145 kph.

Matt managed to only wince a little before motion from down the street drew his attention. "Car… game off," he yelled out.

"Game off," Alex acknowledged loudly. Both Matt and Alex waved cheerfully to the adorable little girl sitting in the rear seat of the passing car.

"Mummy, why does that nice lady have a bigger stick than the funny looking man on the ground?" the little girl asked innocently.

Her mother slowed down to look at what her daughter was talking about. She recognized the fat man from when she had gone on one miserable date with him back during school. "That's just Vernon Dursley, dear. I'm fairly certain that just about everyone has a bigger stick than him," she replied with a smirk.

Once the car had driven off, Matt yelled, "Game on!"

"Game on!" Alex replied.

The second puck sailed over Vernon's crumpled body to strike Petunia straight in the bridge of her nose. She dropped like a wet noodle to drape herself over her husband.

Dudley, who was just finishing his third smuggled chocolate biscuit, decided to stand up from the table and avenge his parents. The fact that both of them had been dropped from over 10 meters away showed that Dudley had near Crabbe and Goyle level intelligence. He didn't manage to get more than an inch off the kitchen chair before Dudley found the tip of a wand stuck up his right nostril.

"Dudley, just so you know, this isn't the first time I've had this wand stuck up a troll's nose. With just a mere thought, I can put you out of my (as well as the rest of the neighborhood's) misery. In fact, the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures might even give me a bounty for blasting what little brains you have out through the back of your head," Harry warned.

Harry paused for a moment to let that information sink in. "It would probably be in your best interest to head up to your room and stay there until well after I leave. Tap your hand on the table if you understand," he ordered.

Dudley tapped his hand on the table, and sighed a little in relief when Harry withdrew his wand. Harry stood up and took a few steps back before motioning with his head towards the stairs. Harry went back to the table to wipe the tip of his wand with the tablecloth.

While Harry was terrorizing his cousin, Matt Granger was trying to figure out how to move Vernon and Petunia out of the way so he could come inside. "Let's see… If I put my foot here and my hand there… no, that won't work," he muttered aloud. Once Dudley had thundered up the stairs, Matt called out, "Harry, perhaps you should just grab your things and head out the back. I'll meet you around the side."

Once he heard the backdoor shut, Matt knelt down to get his face close to Vernon's. The fat man's behavior mixed with the dried blood that Matt could see on the tiny bat pushed the usually mild mannered man past his tipping point. "If you breathe a word of any of this to anyone, my wife and I will be back. I'll make sure we have plenty of time to play. You see, both my wife and I have governmental licenses to torture people. Why, on an average day, I might torture up to 20 or more people," the dentist threatened. Vernon's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he fainted.

Matt stood back up when he saw his daughter and her new friend get out of the Jaguar to give Harry a hand placing his trunk in the boot. Alex shifted her hockey bag to make room and then hurried to get into the driver's seat. While there were many, many things she loved about her husband, his driving skills didn't make that list. It always drove her spare how he never remembered to release the parking brake before he drove anywhere.

Once they were safely on the motorway, Matt turned in his seat to look at his daughter and her two friends. "Just to let you lot know, you three will be alone for most of the afternoon. I've got an extraction scheduled at 1 and at 5 I'm meeting up with the blokes for practice. Alex plans on hitting the grocers to stock up. We're certain that with three teenagers in the house, we'll be going through food much faster than we normally would," he said with a kind smile.

"What kind of practice, Dr. Granger?" Harry asked.

"Please, Harry, call me Matt. Calling me Dr. Granger would get rather confusing since Alex is a doctor as well," Matt suggested. "I play lead guitar in a band made up of blokes I met at a dentist convention. We got to talking and found out we all had a love of classic rock and punk. One thing led to another and Chris, David, Peter and I ended up forming a band. Originally we were going to call ourselves 'The Doctors' but that seemed a touch self serving. In the end, we settled on naming the band 'Floss'," he explained.

"Wow, that's brilliant. I'd love to hear you play sometime," Harry stated while Luna nodded her head enthusiastically. Harry turned to look at Hermione.

Hermione sighed wistfully. "Before you ask, I didn't inherit my father's skills. I can hardly play the radio, let alone a musical instrument," she joked.

When they finally reached the Granger home, Matt hopped out and got into an old, boxy, blue Saab 900 with a license plate that read "Sexy". Everyone else grimaced as the Saab made a grinding noise as Matt backed out of the driveway. Eventually the noise stopped when Matt remembered to release the parking brake.

Hermione led Harry to the guest room he would be using while Luna tagged along. Harry grinned when he looked around the room since it was obvious Alex and Hermione had allowed Matt to decorate the room. Instead of paintings of gentle landscapes, the walls were decked out with album covers and movie posters. A mid-seventies stereo system complete with turntable stood atop the dresser. A collection of Matt's favorite albums sat in a rack next to stereo. "It's brilliant!" Harry exclaimed.

After one more look around the room, Harry let his expression grow more somber. "Hermione, I know this is going to suck, but I need you to look at my memories of Dobby, especially the ones when he saved us from Malfoy Manor," Harry requested.

Hermione did as she was asked and then broke into tears. "He… he died saving you," she sobbed.

Harry nodded his head. "He did, and the last thing he said was my name. Looking back, I think the crazy little guy had been wanting to work for me ever since I freed him from the Malfoys. That's why I want to ask him if he would be willing to come work for the three of us. It would also keep the white whiskered wanker from being able to use Dobby against us," he stated.

"You'll still pay him, right?" Hermione asked.

"Of course I will. Even though the other elves thought he was nuttier than squirrel poop, Dobby was very proud of being a free elf. I would never take that away from him," Harry replied.

"Just don't offer to pay him with wizard money," Luna suggested.

Hermione frowned and asked, "Why not? It's not like he'll be able to use muggle money."

"Hermione, you're trying to force your own ideas of what would be an acceptable form of payment onto a non-human," Luna stated. Before Hermione could get truly offended, Luna explained, "If you tried to pay a centaur for something with gold, they would just laugh at you. They have no need for money. House elves are the same way. I'm all for paying Dobby, but we should ask him what he wants."

Hermione sat down heavily on Harry's bed. "I can't believe I didn't think of that," she complained.

Luna sat down next to Hermione and gave her a hug. "It's okay, Hermione. We can't all be Ravenclaws," she teased. Hermione responded by grabbing a pillow hitting and Luna with it.

Even though watching his two girlfriends have a pillow fight definitely checked off a line item on his bucket list, Harry called out, "Dobby!"

With a soft pop, a small person with huge eyes and bat-like ears wearing a Hogwarts dish towel appeared at the foot of the bed. "The great Harry Potter, sir be calling for Dobby?" Dobby asked with obvious happiness.

Harry knelt down next to Dobby and wrapped him in a tight hug. "Hello, old friend," he said to the elf. Dobby was beside himself at being hugged by Harry, and just barely managed to hug the teen back. When the hug ended, Harry stood up and asked, "Dobby, we were wondering if you would like to come work for us instead of the old goat fucker?"

"Dobby be thinking the great Harry Potter being confused. Dobby be working at Hogwarts, not the Hog's Head," Dobby told him.

Harry held up one finger, looked over at his girlfriends, and then pointed at Dobby. "Did… did he just imply that Aberforth… ?" he tried to ask, too shocked to get the whole sentence out.

Luna nodded her head. "Yep, he did. It's pretty much common knowledge in the wizarding world how Alberforth spends a romantic evening," she replied.

"Girls, I need you to promise me you'll never let me eat at the Hog's Head again," Harry implored.

Hermione looked a little ill and responded, "Only if you promise to do the same thing."

"Sorry, Dobby. When I said 'goat fucker' I meant Prof. Dumbledore," Harry explained.

Dobby tilted his head in confusion. "Dobby never be hearing the greasy haired professor called a goat before," he said, and then shrugged his shoulders. The three teens just stood there blinking in shock for a moment at that bit of information.

Ever the inquisitive Ravenclaw, Luna asked, "I wonder which brother would be considered the bigger deviant?"

Hermione frowned as she weighed that question in her mind. "I'm not really sure. There's good arguments on both sides," she replied.

Harry had a definite green cast to his skin and wanted desperately to talk about something else. "Dobby, would you like to work for us?" he asked again.

Dobby looked up at Harry worshipfully. "Do yous really mean it, Harry Potter, sir?" he asked, afraid he might wake up any moment from this wonderful dream. When Harry just nodded, Dobby launched himself at Harry to wrap his arms around the teen's legs.

"Um… is that a yes?" Harry asked for clarification.

"Yes… yes! Dobby would love to be working for the great Harry Potter! But Dobby not wanting to be paid," Dobby replied.

Hermione shook her head. "Of course we're going to pay you, Dobby! You're a free elf," she insisted.

"We'll just pay you in something other than money if you would like," Harry added quickly. "Is there anything that you need?" he asked his little friend.

"No, Harry Potter, sir, Dobby not being needing anything," Dobby assured him.

Luna sat down on her legs in front of Dobby. "Instead of need, what would you like? What do you do for fun?" she asked.

Dobby tilted his head from side to side as he thought. "Dobby likes to knit, Missy Luna. Dobby could always be using more yarn," he replied.

Hermione laughed out loud at that, causing Dobby to frown. She hurriedly dropped down to kneel next to Luna and put her hand on Dobby's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Dobby. I wasn't laughing at you. I just thought it was funny since my mother knits as well. She says something pretty similar any time we're at a hobby store," she assured him. "In fact, Dobby, let's go down to the basement and we can get you a down payment on working for us," Hermione offered.

Harry offered Luna and Hermione both a hand up. The bushy haired young woman led the others down to the basement. She pointed towards a large, white plastic tub. "Mum put a lot of the extra skeins she ended up not needing down here in the tub. You can have the whole tub, and then we can come up with how many skeins you want per week later," Hermione told the hyper house was almost a blur as he dashed to the tub. He popped open the lid, looked inside, and then shut it quickly. When he got his breathing under control, Dobby pulled the lid off and looked again. When the sight of all the different brightly colored skeins of yarn remained the same, he squealed in happiness. Without a second thought, Dobby dove completely into the plastic tub. Different colors of yarn launched out of the tub to fall back in accompanied by high pitched giggles.

Harry smiled at how content Dobby seemed. "Well, I think he likes it," he said needlessly, chuckling slightly. The girls laughed along with him.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that is the weirdest thing we'll see all afternoon," Hermione joked.

Luna shook her head sadly. "Hermione, you should know better than to tempt my boss like that," she chided.

"Yes, she should have. My wife never could resist temptation," the deep voice of Death said from behind them.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Chapter Text

Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Chapter 4

Of the three humans who turned around to see who had spoken, Hermione was by far the most shocked. Harry recognized his new boss, and Luna looked like she had been expecting this to happen all along. Harry briefly wondered about Luna's lack of reaction until he realized she also worked for one of the immortal beings representing a universal constant. For Hermione's part, it was only the memories that Harry had shared with her that kept the panic at bay.

Dobby popped his head out from inside the bin of yarn to see who the new voice belonged to. For a split second, he froze in fright at the sight of the Grim Reaper looming behind the great Harry Potter and his lifemates. The house elf's brain quickly rebooted and he disappeared with a slight pop to reappear between his new family and Death. Dobby was too frightened to say anything, but he still managed to hold out his arms in a semblance of defiance of the ultimate inevitable force.

Death held back a chuckle as he looked at the shaking house elf who was willing to stand between Death and a mortal. Dobby closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see his own end as Death leaned down to whisper in his large ears. When Death leaned back, Dobby's eyes flew open and his shaking stopped.

"Yous be shitting Dobby?!" the house elf exclaimed.

Death shook his head. "I shit you not, little one," he replied.

Dobby turned to look at Harry. "Dobby always knew Harry Potter was a great wizard, but he never, ever thought Harry Potter was this powerful. Dobby being sooooo happy to be working for the great Harry Potter and his lifemates!" he said excitedly.

"What? What did Death…?" Harry started to ask before Luna grabbed his arm to interrupt him.

"Stop, Harry. Fate told me last night that it isn't yet time for you to know certain things. I promise you that if it was a bad thing, I would tell you," Luna told her boyfriend.

Death faked a cough to grab everyone's attention. "I think everyone could do with a nice spot of tea. Harry, why don't you and I go upstairs and make some," he said while jerking his head towards the stairs. "Your soulmates need a few moments between themselves and with Dobby," he stated.

Harry looked at his girlfriends. Luna nodded her head in agreement. Hermione looked like she was about to burst, desperately wanting to know what Death had told Dobby. "Okay," he said simply. Harry walked past Death and made his way up the stairs.

As the Grim Reaper glided up the stairs, he looked first at Hermione and then at Luna. He waved his hand slightly, putting a silencing barrier between the basement and the rest of the house. "Miss Lovegood, my wife wanted me to pass along her permission for Miss Granger to know the secret, as long as she promises to not spoil the surprise," Death said before he left the basement.

Luna smirked at Hermione's poorly hidden desire to know what the hell was going on. "We can tell you what Death said if you promise not to bring it up until Harry does," she offered.

Hermione bit her lower lip as she weighed her options. Her loyalty to her boyfriend warred with her burning thirst for all types of knowledge. Luna's encouraging smile tipped the scales. "Fine!" she agreed.

"Hermione, the first thing you need to know is that Death's wife is my boss, Lachesis, the CEO of Fate, Inc. Our boyfriend is not only an employee of Death, LLC, he's also a child of prophecy. What makes Harry even more unique is that he is the child of two prophecies, one minor and one major," Luna explained.

"Two prophecies?" Hermione repeated hesitantly. "What's the minor one?" she asked.

"Trelawney's prophecy about Harry and Voldemort is the minor one," Luna replied. She gave Hermione a moment to process that before she jerked her head towards Dobby, who was nearly hopping up and down in excitement. "What Death told Dobby concerns the major prophecy," she stated.

Hermione focused her attention like a laser on the house elf. "Dobby, what did Death tell you?" she begged.

Dobby puffed out his chest in pride. "Dobby being working for the great Harry Potter, Death's apprentice! Dobby being a subcontractor for Death, LLC!" he said excitedly.

"Fuck me!" Hermione blurted out in shock.

Luna tilted her head to the side and then shrugged her shoulders. "Okay," she said before reaching out and gently putting her hand on one of Hermione's breasts.

Hermione pushed Luna's hand away forcefully and exclaimed, "Luna!"

The young blonde stepped back, her usual dreamy smile wiped away by the rejection. Hermione's heart broke when she saw the tear that started to slide down Luna's cheek. Hermione bit her lip as she decided to share with Luna something she had never told anyone before.

Hermione closed the distance between them, and took one of Luna's hands in hers. "I'm sorry, Luna. You just startled me, that's all," she apologized. Hermione blushed as she added, "Truth is, I like girls just as much as I do boys. I wouldn't be opposed to seeing if we can make our relationship a true triad once we get to know each other better." To prove her point, Hermione leaned forward and gave the pretty blonde witch a chaste kiss on the lips.

Fate smiled down the girls as they shared their first kiss. As a boon to her favorite employee, Fate opened up the mental barriers between the young women, forcing them to share each other's memories. Both witches wrapped their arms tightly around the other while they shared all of their fears, pains, and joys. Tears streamed down their cheeks as they deepened the chaste kiss into a truly passionate one. Dobby politely cleared his throat to let them know they weren't alone. The girls separated, giving each other a shy smile.

To break up the embarrassing moment, Hermione asked Dobby a question that had been bothering her since he had shown up, "Dobby, why are you still wearing a tea towel? As a free elf, aren't you allowed to wear clothes?"

"Dobby being allowed to wear clothes, Miss Harry Potter's Grangey, but it still being an insult to a free elf if their employers be giving them clothes. Hogywarts not be having fabric that Dobby can make himself clothes out of," Dobby replied. He didn't bother to mention that the one pair of trousers he had found in the Come and Go room that were in his size had chafed his little Dobby.

Hermione smiled at Dobby. She pointed towards the corner of the basement where the female Dr. Granger kept her sewing machine and all of the fabric she had purchased for projects that she had never gotten around to. "Feel free to use anything there to make whatever you want, Dobby," she offered. With another squeal of delight, Dobby rushed over to the fabric, ideas for what he wanted to wear dancing in his head.

Hermione and Luna entered the kitchen hand in hand. Death and Harry were sitting at the small, four person breakfast table across from each other. When Harry looked up, Hermione said, "Luna and I have decided to try and make our relationship a true triad, as long as you're okay with it, Harry."

"Um… yeah… of course. That's brilliant!" Harry replied quickly. He would have gotten up to hug them, but the memories of Death explaining some of the benefits of having two girlfriends caused a sudden goblin uprising in his pants, making it hard to stand (let alone walk). The girls saw Harry's cute blush and they each kissed a cheek, causing his blush to deepen. Hermione and Luna sat down at the empty seats and allowed Harry to pour two more cups of tea.

Luna scrunched up her brows in confusion as she watched Death drink his tea. When he took another sip, she reached out and put her hand under his jaw, nearly touching his spine.

Harry choked a little on his tea, and asked, "What are you doing Luna?"

"I'm trying to figure out where the tea is going," Luna replied airily. She withdrew her hand when it remained dry, despite Death taking another sip.

"Honestly, Luna!" Hermione huffed. "We're in the presence of THE anthropomorphic manifestation of the concept of Death and you're wondering where the tea is going?" she asked in disbelief. After a moment, Hermione also had a look of deep thought on her face. "Actually, now that I think about it, that really is a good question." she admitted.

Death was saved from answering by the sound of the overhead garage door opening and a car pulling in. Alex Granger walked in from the garage holding a large paper sack of groceries in front of her. She made a beeline to the kitchen counter to put down the heavy sack. Once she had accomplished that, Alex turned to look towards the kitchen table. She let out a brief shriek of terror at seeing Death in her kitchen.

"No, no, no! I won't let you harm them! Take me instead, and leave the kids alone!" Alex Granger yelled, switching into full mother tiger mode.

Hermione stood up quickly and went to comfort her mother. "Mum, it isn't like that. Death hasn't come here to collect anyone," she assured her.

"If he isn't here to collect someone, why is Death sitting in my kitchen?!" Alex demanded.

In answer, Death held up his tea with one hand and pointed at it with his other. "I'm having a cuppa," he said as if that explained everything. Death noticed Alex's pale face that looked like she was rapidly heading to full blown shock. Ever the gentleman, he stood up. "Dr. Granger, it looks like you could use a cup much more than I do," Death stated, offering his seat at the table.

"Harry, let's head to your room. There is something we need to discuss concerning the cloak passed down in your family," Death said. As they started to leave the kitchen, the Grim Reaper paused in front of the refrigerator. With a skeletal finger, Death pointed at the appliance. "Dr. Granger, if you wish to make sure no one in this household needs a professional visit from me soon, you should probably toss out the salmon mousse," he suggested. Alex nodded her head in acknowledgement.

Hermione led her clearly stunned mother to the kitchen table and had her sit down. She then grabbed a clean teacup from the cupboard and poured Alex a steaming cup of British emotional support.

After a few calming sips, Alex looked up at Hermione with a glare that Harry and Ron were intimately familiar with. "Hermione Jean Granger, I expect you to explain things this instant," she demanded.

Hermione sighed. "Well Mum, it's sort of a long story," she stated.

"Not really, Hermione," Luna chirped. "Harry died a few years from now. In exchange for being allowed to come back and save the ones he loves from death, misery, and unwanted redheaded sexual assaults, he agreed to be an employee for Death, LLC. Also, Harry, Hermione, and I are in a three way romantic relationship that will last for eternity," she said cheerfully.

Hermione facepalmed and muttered, "Not really helping, Luna."

Alex looked from Hermione, to Luna, and back again. "I think I would like to hear the long version," she said flatly.

*HPBV*

Once in Harry's room, Death idly flipped through the albums near the stereo while Harry retrieved his father's invisibility cloak from his trunk. "Not a bad selection," Death said before returning his attention to Harry. "By human understanding, it's been a very long time since I've seen my old cloak. I forgot how little fashion sense I had back then," he mused. "I would like it back, Child of Peverell," Death requested formally.

With a heavy heart, Harry handed over one of the few physical links he had with his father. Death took the cloak and ran his skeletal hands over the shimmering fabric. When he was done inspecting the cloak and making some minor adjustments, Death handed it back to Harry. "There, I removed the special charms Dumbledore laid on it so he could track you even if you were wearing the cloak," Death told him.

"Thank you. I hope that one day I can pass the cloak on to my children," Harry replied, his voice choked with emotion.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible. You are the last person who will ever possess my invisibility cloak," Death informed him. Before Harry could ask why, Death snapped his fingers.

The fabric of the cloak switched from a solid to a liquid and slipped through Harry's fingers. Harry only managed to stare at his distorted reflection in the shiny puddle before it started to move on its own. He let out a small gasp as the puddle made its way up his school trousers. "Oh wow, that's really cold," Harry complained. Suddenly his eyes opened wide in shock and dismay. "Bad touch! Bad touch! What the hell, Death?!" Harry swore as he felt violated.

"I made it so that no one could ever take the cloak from you," Death replied, as he gestured to the mirror behind the young man. Harry turned around and gasped at what he saw reflected, or more specifically what wasn't. Harry became even more worried when looked away from the mirror and down at his invisible hands. "Don't worry. In a day or two you should be able to control the change and become visible again," Death assured Harry.

Harry quit looking at his lack of reflection and glared at his boss. He grew even more cross when he realized Death couldn't see his angry expression.

Ignoring Harry's consternation, Death continued speaking. "The next thing we have to discuss is how to make sure your soulmates and you aren't detected doing underage magic. I fully expect you to send me at least one Death Eater's soul before you start back at Hogwarts in September," he said. "I suggest you take Dobby and make a visit to the Ministry of Magic tonight. The sooner you remove the trace from Hermione, Luna, and yourself, the sooner you three can cast the fidelius charm around the Granger home," Death stated.

Harry relaxed his shoulders as he let go of his anger. "You're right. At least now I won't have to worry about tripping on the cloak," he admitted.

Death pulled back the sleeve of his own cloak and looked down at the hourglass strapped to his wrist. "I'm afraid that's all the time I can spare for now. You should go back to the kitchen and make sure everything is alright with your soulmates and Dr. Granger," he said as he opened the door for Harry. As Harry stepped out of the room, Death added with a chuckle, "See you around, Mr. Potter." With that, the Grim Reaper faded from sight.

"Oh, ha ha! You're hilarious!" Harry spat sarcastically.

Hermione heard her boyfriend's voice from down the hall and frowned. "Harry James Potter! Are you giving Death cheek?" she asked in disbelief. She managed to blink several times in shock when one of Harry's school shirts tucked into his trousers walked into the kitchen on their own.

The shirt folded its arms across its chest in obvious annoyance. "Yes, yes I am," Harry replied. Alex and Luna laughed as Harry unwittingly drained the tension from the room.

Matt Granger opened the door from the garage and called out, "I hope everyone's hungry. I brought home enough curry to feed a small army." He held a large plastic sack full of takeout in each hand.

Dobby appeared in front of Matt with a small pop. "Dobby be taking those," he said as he snatched the takeout away from Matt. As quickly as he appeared, Dobby popped away.

Matt walked into the kitchen, confusion written all over his face. "I could be wrong, but I think I was just mugged by a two foot tall Scotman," he said.

Dobby chose that moment to pop into the kitchen. He was dressed in a red and gold plaid kilt and wore a matching sash diagonally across his chest. With a snap of his fingers, Dobby caused plates, cups, and silverware to float out of their respective resting places and fly into the dining room. With another snap, the refrigerator door opened to allow several cans of soda and a chilled bottle of wine to follow the place settings.

"Never mind, it seems as though we have acquired a rather enthusiastic domestic help," Matt corrected himself. He finally noticed the set of clothes standing by themselves in the hallway. Matt turned to look at his wife who mouthed silently, 'Harry.'

Like fathers everywhere, Matt couldn't let an opportunity like this pass him by. "Harry, if I were you, I would never lie to Hermione or Luna since they can obviously see through any falsehoods you might have. Besides, from what Hermione has told me, your arguments for the most part are fairly transparent," he joked.

"Father!" Hermione scolded.

Alex smirked at her daughter's reaction. "You better get used to it, dear. One day Harry will be telling our grandchildren dad jokes just as terrible," she assured Hermione.

*HPBV*

The grangers and their guests were sitting in the living room, waiting for Dobby to return from Hogwarts with some things he thought he might need on the covert mission to the Ministry of Magic. Matt couldn't hide a smile as he looked over at the set of clothes sitting between his daughter and her girlfriend on the couch. Over a really good curry, the teens had explained things to him. As a father, he really couldn't hope for a better boyfriend for Hermione than one who literally went back in time to save her. It was definitely better than finding out his daughter had ended up with the redheaded arsehole she had written home about. As for Luna, Matt couldn't have dreamed up a better girlfriend to balance out Hermione's more serious manner.

Dobby returned to the living room with a pop holding a knapsack. "Sorry it be taking Dobby so long," he apologised. "The Hogywarts house elves not be wanting to loan out the objects of power to Dobby. They be changing their minds when Dobby be telling them it being to help the great Harry Potter," Dobby explained. Without saying another word, the little elf opened the flap of the sack and dumped the contents on the floor.

The silence in the room was almost deafening as the human occupants quickly looked around at each other, no one wanting to be the one to ask the obvious question. Eventually Hermione elbowed Harry in the ribs since he had known the crazy elf the longest. With a sigh, Harry asked, "Dobby what are those?"

Dobby smiled at the great Harry Potter and held up the first object. "This being Ravenclaw's Slide Rule. The Hogywarts elves not be knowing how it works, but they heard a student saying it saved their life on an arithmancy test," he stated.

Dobby put down the slide rule and picked up something the elder Grangers recognized from their college days. "This being the Bong of Hufflepuff. An older student be telling a younger one that it was the secret behind why the Hufflepuffs were always so easy going," he said.

"This being Slytherin's Strap-on," Dobby said as he lifted up the third object which was green rubber with a black leather harness.

"If it's all the same, Dobby, I think we would all rather not hear the backstory behind that," Hermione pleaded. She got nodds from the rest of the humans in agreement. "And please tell me the other house elves washed that before letting you take it," Hermione added. Dobby shrugged his shoulders, looked closer at Slytherin's Strap-on, and quickly dropped the offending object on the floor.

With reverence, Dobby lifted up the final object, a french baguette as long as he was tall. "This being the most powerful of all of the Hogywarts elves' objects of power - the Loaf of Gryffindor," he said in a hushed voice. Dobby swung the loaf of bread down onto the coffee table, breaking a corner of the wood table clean off. With a snap of his fingers, Dobby repaired the damage he had just caused.

-Flashback-

Gryffindor boys' dorm, 1975

Remus Lupin put down his rune etching tools, put his hands on the small of his back, and arched his spine. "Done, and that is the absolute last time I'm ever etching unbreakable and everfresh runes into something as soft as a baguette," he complained.

James Potter clapped his friends on the shoulder. "It will be worth it in the end. This will be the prank of the year, Moony. The baguette is the final part of the plan. I already transfigured 7 hedgehogs and Padfoot somehow managed to get his hands on a dozen muggle rubber chickens," he said.

As if he had been summoned, Sirius Black stormed into the dorm room with Peter Petigrew close on his heels. Without saying anything, Sirius kicked his school trunk in frustration, a literal growl slipping out of his throat.

James looked at Peter and asked, "What's with Padfoot, Wormy?"

Peter sat down on his bed with a dejected sigh. "We just got back from the kitchens. The house elves told us they had to replace Thursday's dinner of steak with shepherd's pie," he explained.

Remus threw his arms up in disgust. "Merlin dammit! There goes two weeks of planning and work!"

-End Flashback-

Dobby put the objects of 'power' back into his knapsack, leaving a bit of the Loaf of Gryffindor sticking out so he could get to it easily. Harry's clothes stood up and started walking towards the bedrooms. "Where are you going, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"As a house elf, Dobby can cast a powerful wizard notice-me-not charm on himself. If I want to go unnoticed, I'll have to be completely invisible. I'm just glad it's summertime. I have no idea how I'll do this in wintertime without freezing my balls off," Harry replied.

"But why do you need to leave?" Hermione asked.

"I'm not really comfortable with stripping naked in front of your parents," he stated.

Luna smirked in the direction of the floating clothes. "Harry, it's not they'll see anything they haven't seen before as muggle healers," she teased. Matt snorted and Hermione rolled her eyes. Luna looked at her girlfriend and asked, "Too soon?" Hermione nodded as Harry made his way to his room.

After a few minutes, they heard Harry's disembodied voice ask, "Ready to go, Dobby?"

Dobby took a step towards the voice and then stopped suddenly, grabbing his right eye. "Owe! Dobby's eye!" he complained.

"Owe! Harry's… I mean my balls!" Harry moaned. The rest of the occupants had to bite their lips to keep from laughing. "Dobby, just take my hand," Harry ordered. Dobby reached out his hand, grabbed something, let go, and yanked his hand back. "Yeah, Dobby… that wasn't my hand," Harry said needlessly. Everyone heard Harry sigh in exasperation. "Dobby, stick out your hand, slowly, and I'll grab it," Harry instructed. Dobby did as he was told and an instant later the two conspirators disappeared with a pop.

*HPBV*

Dobby and Harry appeared next to the Fountain of Magical Brethren in the lobby of the British Ministry of Magic. As they made their way to the lifts, Harry was thankful his bare feet made almost no noise at all on the cold marble floor. They froze when the closest lift opened and the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, stepped out. Unfortunately, Fudge was such a piss poor wizard, Dobby's wizard notice-me-not charm didn't affect him as much as it should have.

Fudge looked right at Dobby and then around the rest of the lobby. "Um, excuse me, can anyone tell me why there's a house elf wearing a kilt carrying a loaf of french bead standing in the lobby?" he called out, even though he didn't see anyone else.

"Um… you fell asleep at your desk and you're sleeping walking," Harry improvised.

"Yes, well that explains it," Fudge said. "Why does my inner voice sound like Harry Potter?" he inquired.

Dobby jumped in and replied, "Because yous be knowing the great Harry Potter is more popular and better looking than yous."

Fudge nodded his head and sighed, "That's true." After a moment Fudge looked around the lobby again. "That's odd, in most of these dreams Harry Potter is naked," he muttered.

"Awkward," Dobby whispered.

Harry really, really didn't want to think about it. "To make sure you don't hurt yourself by being woken up sleep walking, you should probably head back to your office and lay down at your desk," Harry suggested.

"Yes, yes… that's a good idea. I'll do just that," Fudge replied before turning around and taking the lift back to his office.

Dobby waited for the lift to be out of earshot before he said, "Dobby can't believe Minister Dumb-dumb fell for that."

Harry thought back to all of his dealings with Fudge in his prior life. "I can," he said simply.

The two friends took the next lift down to level 2 where the Department of Magical Law Enforcement was housed. They followed the hallway until they reached a door that read 'Improper Use of Magic Office'. "Dobby, you wait here and keep a watch while I head inside. Hopefully it won't take me too long," Harry whispered.

Dobby saluted the general direction he thought Harry was in. "Yous can count on Dobby, Harry Potter, sir," he assured his employer.

Harry slowly turned the doorknob and pushed as quietly as he could. He was thankful the Ministry house elves kept all of the hinges properly oiled. Once inside, Harry saw two wizards sitting on either side of a huge machine. On the front of the machine hung a plaque that read , 'Magical Detection Grid for Underage Mudbloods, Halfbloods, and Blood Traitors. Generously donated by the Malfoy Family - 1991'. [Wow, subtle there, Lucy,] Harry thought sarcastically.

Harry crept over to stand right in front of the machine. While he was confident he could take care of one wizard without magic, Harry didn't think he could get the other before an alarm was sounded. While he tried to come up with a plan, the curry he had for dinner made its presence known. Before he could retreat, he let loose with a loud, noxious fart.

The wizard sitting to the right of the machine narrowed his eyes as he looked over at his co-worker. He sniffed the air and grimaced. "Really?" he asked sarcastically. He stood up and started walking towards the door. "I'm taking my pumpkin juice break," he snarled.

The other monitoring wizard finally smelled the fart and countered with, "Wow, real mature." He was looking at the monitoring board, so he didn't see his co-worker get clobbered by the world's only indestructible baked goods, or see the blood, spittle, and broken tooth fly from the impact. The monitor wizard did however hear the body falling to the floor just outside the door frame. "Norman? Was that you?" he asked. He stood up and followed his co-worker out the door.

The next thing Harry heard was the sound of hard rubber striking flesh instead of the cricket bat on flesh sound from earlier. He shook his head and opened up the front of the large machine. Inside were hundreds of crystals that sat in cradles with a different name written below each of them. A note stuck to the inside of the door with a sticking charm drew his attention. 'Please ensure the crystals are placed in their cradles the same way we receive them. If a crystal is put in upside down, it will completely negate the trace.' it read.

"Huh, that's convenient," Harry muttered. He quickly found his name along with those of his girlfriends. The crystals came out of the cradles easily and went back in upside down with equal ease. With this part of his job done, Harry closed the door of the machine.

Harry's heart skipped a beat when he went back into the hallway to find it empty. He jumped a bit when Dobby popped back in. "Everything okay, Dobby?" Harry whispered.

Dobby nodded his head, making his ears flap. "While the great Harry Potter was breaking bad machine, Dobby was getting a list of where bad people like Dobby's bad master lives. Dobby also be taking spying wizards to the cafeteria and memory charmed them so theys be thinking theys be getting into a fight over the last slice of cake," Dobby replied. He didn't think the great Harry Potter would want to know he also made a small detour to deposit his recycled curry inside the desk of someone with the title of Senior Undersecretary for the Minister.

Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Chapter Text

Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance

Chapter 5

Interlude

Undisclosed Location, Somewhere in the Caribbean

Sirius Black opened the door to his beachfront cabin and stepped out in just a pair of loose linen trousers. He took in a deep breath that tasted of sea salt and freedom. The smile that had been plastered on his face ever since his godson and Hermione had saved him was still firmly in place. Sirius even let out a small chuckle when he thought back to Harry telling him Hermione was just a friend, not his girlfriend. As if a Potter man would ever not go for the brightest witch of their generation.

"Do you have to be so bloody chipper in the morning?" Remus Lupin moaned. Sirius looked over and saw his best friend was propped up against the deck railing, still wearing the clothes he had on the night before. Said clothes were now decidedly more rumpled.

"After spending 12 years with nothing whatsoever to be happy about, yes, yes I do, Moony," Sirius replied. He took a closer look at Remus and smirked. "How are you feeling, old chap? Did the island rum not agree with your furry side?" he inquired just a touch louder than was necessary.

Remus managed to gather up enough energy to give Sirius a two fingered salute. He then dropped his arm, which felt like it was made of lead. "Apart from my head asking for a divorce from the rest of my body, as well as my mouth tasting like Buckbeak used it as a loo, I'm feeling just peachy. Thanks for asking," Remus replied sarcastically.

"SQUAWK!" Buckbeak chirped indignantly from a nearby palm tree.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it, Bucky. Moony is just a grumpy drunk," Sirius apologised on behalf of his friend.

"Is there something you need, Padfoot?" Remus inquired tersely, never bothering to open his eyes.

"Um… yes, actually. Do you by any chance happen to remember the name of the gorgeous blonde I was dancing with last night?" Sirius asked hopefully.

Remus let out a very put upon sigh and replied, "No, Padfoot, I don't."

"Dammit," Sirius swore. "How about the brunette one?" he asked.

"Padfoot, I feel I'm doing rather well to remember my own name right about now. So no, I don't remember the brunette's name," Remus snarled and then whimpered in pain as his headache redoubled its efforts.

"Bugger, I was hoping you would remember since I haven't a bloody clue what their names were," Sirius told his friend. Padfoot looked towards the corner of the cabin where his bedroom was. "This is going to be really awkward when they wake up. Oh well, I suppose I can always try to give them a few more mind blowing orgasms strong enough to make them forget their own names. It won't be the first time that's happened since I got to the island," he muttered.

End of Interlude

*HPBV*

Two days after Death's visit to the Granger home, Hermione left her bedroom, wiping sleep from her eyes. She made her way to the living room to find Dobby and Luna sitting on the floor in front of the Tele, sharing a bowl of popcorn. An open notebook with a pen sitting on top of it was next to Luna's knee.

"What are you two watching?" Hermione inquired.

Without turning to look at her girlfriend, Luna replied, "It's a documentary on a magical district in New York similar to Diagon Alley. The amazing thing is that non-magicals, magicals, and creatures live in harmony there. So much so that they spend most of their time singing and teaching each other."

Hermione was confused. She thought the International Statute of Secrecy was just that, International. The wizards and witches across the pond were supposed to keep things hidden, not make a televised documentary on magic.

Hermione was brought out of her musings when she heard a voice she recognized. It belonged to a member of the first same sex couple she had ever seen on the Tele. "Hey, Bert! Have you seen my rubber duckie?" she heard the orange skinned muppet ask. Hermione was about to correct Luna, but decided not to once she realized her girlfriend's description was pretty spot on, all things considered.

"What's really strange is that I've never heard of a brown Snuffleupagus before," Luna stated. Hermione tried to hide her smirk, thinking the shoe was finally on the other foot for once. Her amusement fled when Luna added, "All of the ones that Daddy and I found in Norway were magenta." Hermione closed her eyes and tried really, really hard not to think about that.

Matt Granger was humming a Queen song on his way from the kitchen to the dining room with a plate of bacon in his hands. He stopped when he looked out the window towards the back garden. Matt frowned as he tried to figure out what he was actually seeing. As far as Matt knew, humans were the only species that bitch slapped others. In the back garden, Hedwig was doing just that to a much smaller owl that was carrying two letters. Matt watched Hedwig bring her snow white wing across the face of the tiny, brown owl several times. Eventually, Matt called out to his wife in the kitchen. "Um… Alex dear, is there any chance Harry's owl is some sort of raptor pimp?" he asked.

Alex shook her head and rolled her eyes. She loved her husband with all of her heart, but she long ago stopped trying to figure out how his mind worked. "Not as far I know, sweetie," she replied.

"Oh, that's a relief," Matt stated.

Alex sighed, counted to ten in her head, and made her own way to the dining room before inquiring, "Why do you ask?"

"Hum? Oh… well you see, Hedwig is in the back garden thrashing a much smaller owl about the head and beak with her wing, and it just looked like something a pimp might do," Matt replied.

"Hermione! Hedwig is getting into a fight in the back garden!" Alex called out.

"What?!" Hermione yelled before running to look out the dining room window. She sighed in relief when she saw it was just Hedwig making sure the small owl knew why all of the other owls were submissive to her. The small owl relinquished its letters and flew off as if its life depended on it.

"What's going on?!" Hermione heard Harry ask from behind her, since he had arrived too late to see the brown owl before it had flown away.

Hermione turned around and replied, "Her Owlness is just making sure one of her subjects knows their place." She bit her lip to keep from chuckling when she saw Harry's wand apparently floating in midair. "Harry, why aren't you wearing any clothes?" she inquired, wishing not for the first time that she could see him sans clothes without the pesky invisibility problem he had developed recently.

"I had just finished my shower when I heard your mum yell. I grabbed my wand, cast a quick drying charm, and came running," Harry stated.

Matt opened the door to the back garden to allow Hedwig inside. She flew in carrying two letters that had just a small amount of blood on them. She glided into the living room to land on the owl perch the Grangers had bought for her during Hermione's first year. The rest of the family joined the Snowy Owl to see who the letters were from.

Harry had made it to the middle of the living room when he started to feel a distinctly odd tingling throughout his body. He glanced down at his hands as they faded back into view along with the rest of his body. "Yes! I can see myself again!" Harry exclaimed happily.

The room became very quiet. Harry looked up to see Matt looking just about anywhere but at him, while Alex had a smirk on her face, one eyebrow raised. Hermione and Luna were both sporting large grins, with their eyes hinting at a healthy dose of lust.

"And… apparently everyone else can too," Harry muttered, his embarrassed blush flaring to life instantly. Harry glanced towards the couch and cast a silent Accio at a throw pillow. The beige pillow rocketed through the air to be caught by the youngest seeker in a century, allowing Harry to cover his groin with the pillow.

"I'll be right back," Harry said hurriedly. He did an about face while keeping the pillow firmly in place before he rushed off to the safety of his room. The elder Grangers snorted in amusement. For their part, Hermione and Luna both let out happy, contented sighs.

"If Quidditch practices can give Harry a bum like that, I take back every mean thing I ever thought about them," Hermione stated.

Her girlfriend nodded her head in agreement. "Harry's bottom looks so firm, I believe we could bounce a galleon off of those cheeks," Luna said. She turned to look at her girlfriend, her expression eager. "Do you think he will let us try that? For research purposes, of course," Luna inquired. This set off the elder Grangers into another fit of laughter.

A few minutes later, Harry rejoined the others in the living room. He was wearing a black tee shirt with blue jeans, both of which Alex had gotten for him after checking the sizes on his Hogwarts school uniform. Harry walked over to Hedwig, stroked her feathers, and slid the letters out from under her talons. One letter was addressed to him, while the other was addressed to Hermione.

Harry frowned when he recognized the handwriting on both of the envelopes. He handed Hermione her letter before tossing his into the fireplace. Harry glared and pointed at the fireplace. His anger caused a wandless, silent, and entirely unholy looking fire to consume the letter from his one time "friend". The fire burned with flames the red of blood and the green of a decaying corpse.

Hermione closed her eyes, stretched out her hand, and whispered, "Accio wand". Her vinewood wand flew out of her bedroom, sped down the hall, and then slapped into her palm. Hermione pointed her now trace-free wand at her letter. With a quick transfiguration, the letter morphed into a bog roll with Ron's face on each sheet.

Luna looked from the fire to the bog roll. She pointed towards Hermione and said, "She wins."

With a heavy sigh, Harry let his shoulders slump. "Sorry, it's just anytime I think of He-who-is-a-twat-waffle, it makes my blood boil," he apologised.

"Language, Harry," Alex admonished.

Hermione shook her head. "While I would normally agree with you, mum. Describing our ex-friend as a twat waffle is pretty accurate," she stated.

Matt looked at the angry faces of the teens and suggested, "Perhaps we should spend the day doing things we enjoy. If you're willing Harry, I would love to introduce you to the guitar or how to rebuild old cars." Harry nodded his head, his mood changing instantly. He really looked forward to spending time with an adult role model he liked and who didn't have fleas.

Alex motioned towards the girls. "Hermione, how about we take Luna on a shopping trip to Harrods?" she asked. Like Harry, Luna desperately longed for another parent figure. She gave Hermione her best puppy dog eyes.

"As long as I get to spend some time in the book department, that's fine" Hermione agreed. She was actually quite looking forward to spending time with Luna in the lingerie department, but she would never tell her parents that.

Harry smiled at his new family. "Sounds like a great way to spend the day. Afterwards, I think I'll go kill a Death Eater," he said cheerfully.

Hermione's smile faded away. "I know that you had to make a deal with Death to come back, but I just wish you didn't have to assassinate anyone," she told her boyfriend.

"Hermione, do you know what a Death Eater needs to do to earn their Dark Mark?" Luna asked. Hermione shook her head no. "They have to torture, rape, and murder a muggle or muggle-born. The order they do it in doesn't really matter. The second step of their initiation is to break into a bookstore to remove the last chapter of every mystery or romance novel they can find," she informed her girlfriend.

"WHAT?!" Hermione screamed in indignation. She turned to face Harry, murder in her eyes. "Kill them! Kill them all! Rend their flesh from their still breathing bodies! Bring me their skulls that I might build bookcases from their remains!" Hermione commanded.

Dobby nudged Luna with his elbow to get her attention. "Remind Dobby to never borrow books from the Dark Librarian," he whispered. Luna nodded her head rapidly in agreement.

Alex walked over to Hermione so she could put a reassuring hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Calm down, Hermione. Remember the last time you got this upset about someone defacing a book," she said softly. For her part, Hermione managed to blush slightly in embarrassment.

"What happened the last time?" Harry asked, partly out of curiosity, and partly so he could know exactly what not to do in Hermione's presence.

Matt chuckled when he recalled the incident his wife was talking about. He quickly schooled his features when he noticed both Alex and Hermione glaring at him. "When Hermione was in nursery school, she found a boy a little older than herself drawing all over one of her books. Hermione was so angry, she experienced what we now know was a bout of accidental magic. The boy's crayons disappeared and he started crying, saying his bum hurt," Matt stated.

Hermione huffed in annoyance. "It was only a few crayons," she said. Both Matt and Alex put their hands on their hips in a pose Harry was very familiar with from all the times Hermione had given it to him. "Fine, it was the whole box," Hermione admitted.

"Poor kid was shitting rainbows for a month," Matt chuckled.

"I still think he deserved it," Hermione insisted.

"Riiiight," Harry said slowly. He looked over at Dobby. "Since we worked together so well at the Ministry, do you want to come with me tonight, Dobby?" he inquired, changing the subject.

Dobby looked up at his hero, his elvish face showing conflicting emotions. Without a word, he stood up, grabbed the current week's copy of the Radio Times Television Listings, and walked over to Matt. Dobby opened up the magazine to the page he wanted and pointed to something.

"Yes, Dobby, we can record it for you," Matt assured the house elf.

Dobby smiled. "Dobby be good to go with the great Harry Potter tonight," he told his employer.

*HPBV*

Dobby walked into Harry's bedroom with his fingers in his ears. "What are you doing, Dobby?" Harry asked.

"What, Harry Potter, sir?! Dobby can't be hearing you!" Dobby said loudly.

Harry reached over and pulled Dobby's fingers away from his head. "I asked what you were doing, Dobby," Harry repeated.

"Dobby had to walk by the living room to come to the great Harry Potter's room. Dobby's show being on, and Dobby not be wanting to spoil anything before Dobby be watching it when we get back from killing the nasty Death Eater, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby replied. He was glad he had vanished the blindfold he was wearing before he reached Harry's room.

"Any requests for tonight's special guest star?" Harry asked, knowing Dobby had become enthralled with all types of television shows. He pulled out the list of Death Eaters and their addresses Dobby had retrieved from the Ministry from his trunk.

Dobby tilted his head and tapped his chin with one long finger while he thought things through. After a moment, he snapped his fingers. "Dobby be having an idea, Harry Potter, sir. We could be goings after bad Axeman who likes to kill all sorts of creatures, including house elves," he said.

"Walden MacNair… sounds good to me," Harry replied. He shrugged out of his tee shirt and put on a long sleeved shirt that was also in black. With a tap of his wand, Harry changed the color of his jeans and trainers to black as well. He handed the list over to Dobby so the little elf would know where to apparate them to. Harry knew he could apparate that far, but he would need Dobby through the wards.

Dobby double checked the address next to MacNair's name before he put the list on the bed. He turned his head to the side and slowly reached out to take Harry's hand, glad he could now see his employer. With a loud pop, the two assassins disappeared.

Harry and Dobby found themselves in a dimly lit hallway. The heads of all different types of creatures mounted on plaques lined both walls. Harry was about to comment on how creepy it was when Dobby put a finger to his lips, requesting silence. Dobby waggled his ears and pointed off to their left. He then held up one finger to indicate how many people he heard. Harry nodded to show he understood before he cast a whispered silencing charm on both Dobby and himself.

They crept silently down the hallway until they reached a room with the door open, allowing light from a fireplace to spill out into the hall. Harry and Dobby froze when they heard MacNair chuckle, "Well, they always said Gryffindors had huge balls. You don't disappoint in that regard."

Harry stepped back from the wall and got into a fighting stance, his wand held out in front of him. He waited a few tense minutes for MacNair to either come out of the room swinging, or say something to goad them into stepping into the open doorway. When neither thing happened, Harry looked over at Dobby who shrugged his shoulders. Together they crept back to stand just outside the door frame. Heavy grunting from inside the room caused Harry to peek around the doorframe. Dobby did the same, only three feet lower. They both pulled their heads back quickly from what they saw. Harry looked down at Dobby, not wanting to believe his eyes. Dobby conjured a bottle of bleach and was almost about to pour it in his own eyes before Harry stopped him. With a stern expression, Harry shook his head no.

Harry stepped into the doorway and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!" Walden MacNair was instantly frozen in place. He was naked and in a compromising position behind a stuffed lion. "You know, when I heard people mount dead animals, this is definitely not what I imagined," Harry joked.

Macnair's hatred filled eyes flitted between his trusty axe and the intruders. Dobby caught the eye movements. Without a word, the brave house elf drew the Loaf of Gryffindor from his trusty backpack. One solid whack from the legendary baked goods forcefully evicted MacNair's consciousness. With just one finger, Dobby pushed the Death Eater over.

An evil smile graced Harry's face as he knelt next to the fallen Death Eater, a plan for an appropriate final punishment beginning to form in his mind. Harry peeled back the Ministry Executioner's eyelids so he could look him in the eyes. Using the special Legilimency skills he had been given by Death, Harry pried into MacNair's memories. When he found what he was looking for, Harry stood back up, pleased with what he had found.

"If I lend you some of my magic, could you apparate the three of us to a specific place I have in mind, even if it's on another continent?" Harry asked.

Dobby nodded his head rapidly, his ears flapping. "If the great Harry Potter be sharing his magic, Dobby can be popping us anywhere," he replied.

"Perfect," Harry said, just barely keeping himself from rubbing his hands together in evil glee. "Let's go check out the rest of the house to see if there is anything worth stealing," he suggested.

It was a couple hours past sunrise by the time Harry and Dobby had liberated every galleon they could find, along with several bottles of butterbeer and a bag of crisps. Satisfied with their haul, the two friends made their way back to where MacNair was still laying. Harry pointed his wand at MacNair and cast Silencio, Glasius, and an overpowered Confundus. He stretched out his free hand to Dobby. The house elf grabbed Harry's hand and MacNair's ear. With a pop, all that was left in the room were the remains of several animals that had paid a visit to a taxidermist who filled a rather unique niche.

A loud pop startled a few small animals on the African savanna when Harry and Dobby arrived. Luckily, the pride of lions that counted this particular watering hole as part of their territory was far enough away to not hear the arrival. Harry smiled when he saw the sun just starting to rise, confident they would have enough light to see a really good show.

Dobby tugged on Harry's sleeve before pointing to a large rock that would give them a commanding view of things. Harry nodded his head. Dobby popped away, leaving the two wizards alone in the tall grass. Harry cast Rennervate on MacNair before apparating to the rock himself.

Harry found Dobby sitting at the highest part of the rock, his little legs dangling over the edge. A conjured bowl of popcorn was already in his lap. Harry sat down next to his house elf and took a handful of popcorn after Dobby offered him some. They ate in silence while MacNair made his way through the tall grass towards the napping lions.

An unusually high pitched roar from the king of the pride echoed across the watering hole. "Wow! That's a pretty impressive vertical leap from a prone position. That lion had to have at least a meter between his paws and the ground," Harry exclaimed. After a moment of thought, he muttered, "Perhaps I over did the chilling charm on MacNair's hands."

Harry and Dobby leaned back in imagined pain when they saw the male lion pay the Death Eater back in kind. After swatting MacNair's groin with its huge paw, the lion sat down suddenly. Harry and Dobby watched as the lion flicked its paw several times in an attempt to dislodge the testicle stuck on one of its razor sharp claws.

Dobby stood up, and hopped up and down when the female members of the pride gathered around MacNair to show their displeasure concerning him grabbing their mate's balls. "Dobby, can't see. Too many big lady cats in Dobby's way," he complained. Harry stood up and stepped behind his friend. Putting his hands under the elf's armpits, Harry lifted him over his head so Dobby could see better. Several elephants, numerous zebras, a warthog, and a meerkat knelt in homage while a baboon facepalmed and shook its head.

When his arms finally got tired, Harry put Dobby down. "Looks like we're done, Dobby," Harry said.

Dobby shook his head in disagreement. "Not yet, Harry Potter, sir," he replied before popping away. A moment later, Dobby returned holding a human skull that had very recently been scraped clean.

Harry looked down at the skull and then back up into Dobby's eyes. "Dobby, I think Hermione was joking about bringing her back the skulls of the Death Eaters we kill," he informed the elf.

"Dobby not be willing to risk it, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby stated.

Harry thought for a moment and then nodded his head. "Good call, Dobby," he praised.