Chapter Text
Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance
Chapter 5
Interlude
Undisclosed Location, Somewhere in the Caribbean
Sirius Black opened the door to his beachfront cabin and stepped out in just a pair of loose linen trousers. He took in a deep breath that tasted of sea salt and freedom. The smile that had been plastered on his face ever since his godson and Hermione had saved him was still firmly in place. Sirius even let out a small chuckle when he thought back to Harry telling him Hermione was just a friend, not his girlfriend. As if a Potter man would ever not go for the brightest witch of their generation.
"Do you have to be so bloody chipper in the morning?" Remus Lupin moaned. Sirius looked over and saw his best friend was propped up against the deck railing, still wearing the clothes he had on the night before. Said clothes were now decidedly more rumpled.
"After spending 12 years with nothing whatsoever to be happy about, yes, yes I do, Moony," Sirius replied. He took a closer look at Remus and smirked. "How are you feeling, old chap? Did the island rum not agree with your furry side?" he inquired just a touch louder than was necessary.
Remus managed to gather up enough energy to give Sirius a two fingered salute. He then dropped his arm, which felt like it was made of lead. "Apart from my head asking for a divorce from the rest of my body, as well as my mouth tasting like Buckbeak used it as a loo, I'm feeling just peachy. Thanks for asking," Remus replied sarcastically.
"SQUAWK!" Buckbeak chirped indignantly from a nearby palm tree.
"I'm sure he didn't mean it, Bucky. Moony is just a grumpy drunk," Sirius apologised on behalf of his friend.
"Is there something you need, Padfoot?" Remus inquired tersely, never bothering to open his eyes.
"Um… yes, actually. Do you by any chance happen to remember the name of the gorgeous blonde I was dancing with last night?" Sirius asked hopefully.
Remus let out a very put upon sigh and replied, "No, Padfoot, I don't."
"Dammit," Sirius swore. "How about the brunette one?" he asked.
"Padfoot, I feel I'm doing rather well to remember my own name right about now. So no, I don't remember the brunette's name," Remus snarled and then whimpered in pain as his headache redoubled its efforts.
"Bugger, I was hoping you would remember since I haven't a bloody clue what their names were," Sirius told his friend. Padfoot looked towards the corner of the cabin where his bedroom was. "This is going to be really awkward when they wake up. Oh well, I suppose I can always try to give them a few more mind blowing orgasms strong enough to make them forget their own names. It won't be the first time that's happened since I got to the island," he muttered.
End of Interlude
*HPBV*
Two days after Death's visit to the Granger home, Hermione left her bedroom, wiping sleep from her eyes. She made her way to the living room to find Dobby and Luna sitting on the floor in front of the Tele, sharing a bowl of popcorn. An open notebook with a pen sitting on top of it was next to Luna's knee.
"What are you two watching?" Hermione inquired.
Without turning to look at her girlfriend, Luna replied, "It's a documentary on a magical district in New York similar to Diagon Alley. The amazing thing is that non-magicals, magicals, and creatures live in harmony there. So much so that they spend most of their time singing and teaching each other."
Hermione was confused. She thought the International Statute of Secrecy was just that, International. The wizards and witches across the pond were supposed to keep things hidden, not make a televised documentary on magic.
Hermione was brought out of her musings when she heard a voice she recognized. It belonged to a member of the first same sex couple she had ever seen on the Tele. "Hey, Bert! Have you seen my rubber duckie?" she heard the orange skinned muppet ask. Hermione was about to correct Luna, but decided not to once she realized her girlfriend's description was pretty spot on, all things considered.
"What's really strange is that I've never heard of a brown Snuffleupagus before," Luna stated. Hermione tried to hide her smirk, thinking the shoe was finally on the other foot for once. Her amusement fled when Luna added, "All of the ones that Daddy and I found in Norway were magenta." Hermione closed her eyes and tried really, really hard not to think about that.
Matt Granger was humming a Queen song on his way from the kitchen to the dining room with a plate of bacon in his hands. He stopped when he looked out the window towards the back garden. Matt frowned as he tried to figure out what he was actually seeing. As far as Matt knew, humans were the only species that bitch slapped others. In the back garden, Hedwig was doing just that to a much smaller owl that was carrying two letters. Matt watched Hedwig bring her snow white wing across the face of the tiny, brown owl several times. Eventually, Matt called out to his wife in the kitchen. "Um… Alex dear, is there any chance Harry's owl is some sort of raptor pimp?" he asked.
Alex shook her head and rolled her eyes. She loved her husband with all of her heart, but she long ago stopped trying to figure out how his mind worked. "Not as far I know, sweetie," she replied.
"Oh, that's a relief," Matt stated.
Alex sighed, counted to ten in her head, and made her own way to the dining room before inquiring, "Why do you ask?"
"Hum? Oh… well you see, Hedwig is in the back garden thrashing a much smaller owl about the head and beak with her wing, and it just looked like something a pimp might do," Matt replied.
"Hermione! Hedwig is getting into a fight in the back garden!" Alex called out.
"What?!" Hermione yelled before running to look out the dining room window. She sighed in relief when she saw it was just Hedwig making sure the small owl knew why all of the other owls were submissive to her. The small owl relinquished its letters and flew off as if its life depended on it.
"What's going on?!" Hermione heard Harry ask from behind her, since he had arrived too late to see the brown owl before it had flown away.
Hermione turned around and replied, "Her Owlness is just making sure one of her subjects knows their place." She bit her lip to keep from chuckling when she saw Harry's wand apparently floating in midair. "Harry, why aren't you wearing any clothes?" she inquired, wishing not for the first time that she could see him sans clothes without the pesky invisibility problem he had developed recently.
"I had just finished my shower when I heard your mum yell. I grabbed my wand, cast a quick drying charm, and came running," Harry stated.
Matt opened the door to the back garden to allow Hedwig inside. She flew in carrying two letters that had just a small amount of blood on them. She glided into the living room to land on the owl perch the Grangers had bought for her during Hermione's first year. The rest of the family joined the Snowy Owl to see who the letters were from.
Harry had made it to the middle of the living room when he started to feel a distinctly odd tingling throughout his body. He glanced down at his hands as they faded back into view along with the rest of his body. "Yes! I can see myself again!" Harry exclaimed happily.
The room became very quiet. Harry looked up to see Matt looking just about anywhere but at him, while Alex had a smirk on her face, one eyebrow raised. Hermione and Luna were both sporting large grins, with their eyes hinting at a healthy dose of lust.
"And… apparently everyone else can too," Harry muttered, his embarrassed blush flaring to life instantly. Harry glanced towards the couch and cast a silent Accio at a throw pillow. The beige pillow rocketed through the air to be caught by the youngest seeker in a century, allowing Harry to cover his groin with the pillow.
"I'll be right back," Harry said hurriedly. He did an about face while keeping the pillow firmly in place before he rushed off to the safety of his room. The elder Grangers snorted in amusement. For their part, Hermione and Luna both let out happy, contented sighs.
"If Quidditch practices can give Harry a bum like that, I take back every mean thing I ever thought about them," Hermione stated.
Her girlfriend nodded her head in agreement. "Harry's bottom looks so firm, I believe we could bounce a galleon off of those cheeks," Luna said. She turned to look at her girlfriend, her expression eager. "Do you think he will let us try that? For research purposes, of course," Luna inquired. This set off the elder Grangers into another fit of laughter.
A few minutes later, Harry rejoined the others in the living room. He was wearing a black tee shirt with blue jeans, both of which Alex had gotten for him after checking the sizes on his Hogwarts school uniform. Harry walked over to Hedwig, stroked her feathers, and slid the letters out from under her talons. One letter was addressed to him, while the other was addressed to Hermione.
Harry frowned when he recognized the handwriting on both of the envelopes. He handed Hermione her letter before tossing his into the fireplace. Harry glared and pointed at the fireplace. His anger caused a wandless, silent, and entirely unholy looking fire to consume the letter from his one time "friend". The fire burned with flames the red of blood and the green of a decaying corpse.
Hermione closed her eyes, stretched out her hand, and whispered, "Accio wand". Her vinewood wand flew out of her bedroom, sped down the hall, and then slapped into her palm. Hermione pointed her now trace-free wand at her letter. With a quick transfiguration, the letter morphed into a bog roll with Ron's face on each sheet.
Luna looked from the fire to the bog roll. She pointed towards Hermione and said, "She wins."
With a heavy sigh, Harry let his shoulders slump. "Sorry, it's just anytime I think of He-who-is-a-twat-waffle, it makes my blood boil," he apologised.
"Language, Harry," Alex admonished.
Hermione shook her head. "While I would normally agree with you, mum. Describing our ex-friend as a twat waffle is pretty accurate," she stated.
Matt looked at the angry faces of the teens and suggested, "Perhaps we should spend the day doing things we enjoy. If you're willing Harry, I would love to introduce you to the guitar or how to rebuild old cars." Harry nodded his head, his mood changing instantly. He really looked forward to spending time with an adult role model he liked and who didn't have fleas.
Alex motioned towards the girls. "Hermione, how about we take Luna on a shopping trip to Harrods?" she asked. Like Harry, Luna desperately longed for another parent figure. She gave Hermione her best puppy dog eyes.
"As long as I get to spend some time in the book department, that's fine" Hermione agreed. She was actually quite looking forward to spending time with Luna in the lingerie department, but she would never tell her parents that.
Harry smiled at his new family. "Sounds like a great way to spend the day. Afterwards, I think I'll go kill a Death Eater," he said cheerfully.
Hermione's smile faded away. "I know that you had to make a deal with Death to come back, but I just wish you didn't have to assassinate anyone," she told her boyfriend.
"Hermione, do you know what a Death Eater needs to do to earn their Dark Mark?" Luna asked. Hermione shook her head no. "They have to torture, rape, and murder a muggle or muggle-born. The order they do it in doesn't really matter. The second step of their initiation is to break into a bookstore to remove the last chapter of every mystery or romance novel they can find," she informed her girlfriend.
"WHAT?!" Hermione screamed in indignation. She turned to face Harry, murder in her eyes. "Kill them! Kill them all! Rend their flesh from their still breathing bodies! Bring me their skulls that I might build bookcases from their remains!" Hermione commanded.
Dobby nudged Luna with his elbow to get her attention. "Remind Dobby to never borrow books from the Dark Librarian," he whispered. Luna nodded her head rapidly in agreement.
Alex walked over to Hermione so she could put a reassuring hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Calm down, Hermione. Remember the last time you got this upset about someone defacing a book," she said softly. For her part, Hermione managed to blush slightly in embarrassment.
"What happened the last time?" Harry asked, partly out of curiosity, and partly so he could know exactly what not to do in Hermione's presence.
Matt chuckled when he recalled the incident his wife was talking about. He quickly schooled his features when he noticed both Alex and Hermione glaring at him. "When Hermione was in nursery school, she found a boy a little older than herself drawing all over one of her books. Hermione was so angry, she experienced what we now know was a bout of accidental magic. The boy's crayons disappeared and he started crying, saying his bum hurt," Matt stated.
Hermione huffed in annoyance. "It was only a few crayons," she said. Both Matt and Alex put their hands on their hips in a pose Harry was very familiar with from all the times Hermione had given it to him. "Fine, it was the whole box," Hermione admitted.
"Poor kid was shitting rainbows for a month," Matt chuckled.
"I still think he deserved it," Hermione insisted.
"Riiiight," Harry said slowly. He looked over at Dobby. "Since we worked together so well at the Ministry, do you want to come with me tonight, Dobby?" he inquired, changing the subject.
Dobby looked up at his hero, his elvish face showing conflicting emotions. Without a word, he stood up, grabbed the current week's copy of the Radio Times Television Listings, and walked over to Matt. Dobby opened up the magazine to the page he wanted and pointed to something.
"Yes, Dobby, we can record it for you," Matt assured the house elf.
Dobby smiled. "Dobby be good to go with the great Harry Potter tonight," he told his employer.
*HPBV*
Dobby walked into Harry's bedroom with his fingers in his ears. "What are you doing, Dobby?" Harry asked.
"What, Harry Potter, sir?! Dobby can't be hearing you!" Dobby said loudly.
Harry reached over and pulled Dobby's fingers away from his head. "I asked what you were doing, Dobby," Harry repeated.
"Dobby had to walk by the living room to come to the great Harry Potter's room. Dobby's show being on, and Dobby not be wanting to spoil anything before Dobby be watching it when we get back from killing the nasty Death Eater, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby replied. He was glad he had vanished the blindfold he was wearing before he reached Harry's room.
"Any requests for tonight's special guest star?" Harry asked, knowing Dobby had become enthralled with all types of television shows. He pulled out the list of Death Eaters and their addresses Dobby had retrieved from the Ministry from his trunk.
Dobby tilted his head and tapped his chin with one long finger while he thought things through. After a moment, he snapped his fingers. "Dobby be having an idea, Harry Potter, sir. We could be goings after bad Axeman who likes to kill all sorts of creatures, including house elves," he said.
"Walden MacNair… sounds good to me," Harry replied. He shrugged out of his tee shirt and put on a long sleeved shirt that was also in black. With a tap of his wand, Harry changed the color of his jeans and trainers to black as well. He handed the list over to Dobby so the little elf would know where to apparate them to. Harry knew he could apparate that far, but he would need Dobby through the wards.
Dobby double checked the address next to MacNair's name before he put the list on the bed. He turned his head to the side and slowly reached out to take Harry's hand, glad he could now see his employer. With a loud pop, the two assassins disappeared.
Harry and Dobby found themselves in a dimly lit hallway. The heads of all different types of creatures mounted on plaques lined both walls. Harry was about to comment on how creepy it was when Dobby put a finger to his lips, requesting silence. Dobby waggled his ears and pointed off to their left. He then held up one finger to indicate how many people he heard. Harry nodded to show he understood before he cast a whispered silencing charm on both Dobby and himself.
They crept silently down the hallway until they reached a room with the door open, allowing light from a fireplace to spill out into the hall. Harry and Dobby froze when they heard MacNair chuckle, "Well, they always said Gryffindors had huge balls. You don't disappoint in that regard."
Harry stepped back from the wall and got into a fighting stance, his wand held out in front of him. He waited a few tense minutes for MacNair to either come out of the room swinging, or say something to goad them into stepping into the open doorway. When neither thing happened, Harry looked over at Dobby who shrugged his shoulders. Together they crept back to stand just outside the door frame. Heavy grunting from inside the room caused Harry to peek around the doorframe. Dobby did the same, only three feet lower. They both pulled their heads back quickly from what they saw. Harry looked down at Dobby, not wanting to believe his eyes. Dobby conjured a bottle of bleach and was almost about to pour it in his own eyes before Harry stopped him. With a stern expression, Harry shook his head no.
Harry stepped into the doorway and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!" Walden MacNair was instantly frozen in place. He was naked and in a compromising position behind a stuffed lion. "You know, when I heard people mount dead animals, this is definitely not what I imagined," Harry joked.
Macnair's hatred filled eyes flitted between his trusty axe and the intruders. Dobby caught the eye movements. Without a word, the brave house elf drew the Loaf of Gryffindor from his trusty backpack. One solid whack from the legendary baked goods forcefully evicted MacNair's consciousness. With just one finger, Dobby pushed the Death Eater over.
An evil smile graced Harry's face as he knelt next to the fallen Death Eater, a plan for an appropriate final punishment beginning to form in his mind. Harry peeled back the Ministry Executioner's eyelids so he could look him in the eyes. Using the special Legilimency skills he had been given by Death, Harry pried into MacNair's memories. When he found what he was looking for, Harry stood back up, pleased with what he had found.
"If I lend you some of my magic, could you apparate the three of us to a specific place I have in mind, even if it's on another continent?" Harry asked.
Dobby nodded his head rapidly, his ears flapping. "If the great Harry Potter be sharing his magic, Dobby can be popping us anywhere," he replied.
"Perfect," Harry said, just barely keeping himself from rubbing his hands together in evil glee. "Let's go check out the rest of the house to see if there is anything worth stealing," he suggested.
It was a couple hours past sunrise by the time Harry and Dobby had liberated every galleon they could find, along with several bottles of butterbeer and a bag of crisps. Satisfied with their haul, the two friends made their way back to where MacNair was still laying. Harry pointed his wand at MacNair and cast Silencio, Glasius, and an overpowered Confundus. He stretched out his free hand to Dobby. The house elf grabbed Harry's hand and MacNair's ear. With a pop, all that was left in the room were the remains of several animals that had paid a visit to a taxidermist who filled a rather unique niche.
A loud pop startled a few small animals on the African savanna when Harry and Dobby arrived. Luckily, the pride of lions that counted this particular watering hole as part of their territory was far enough away to not hear the arrival. Harry smiled when he saw the sun just starting to rise, confident they would have enough light to see a really good show.
Dobby tugged on Harry's sleeve before pointing to a large rock that would give them a commanding view of things. Harry nodded his head. Dobby popped away, leaving the two wizards alone in the tall grass. Harry cast Rennervate on MacNair before apparating to the rock himself.
Harry found Dobby sitting at the highest part of the rock, his little legs dangling over the edge. A conjured bowl of popcorn was already in his lap. Harry sat down next to his house elf and took a handful of popcorn after Dobby offered him some. They ate in silence while MacNair made his way through the tall grass towards the napping lions.
An unusually high pitched roar from the king of the pride echoed across the watering hole. "Wow! That's a pretty impressive vertical leap from a prone position. That lion had to have at least a meter between his paws and the ground," Harry exclaimed. After a moment of thought, he muttered, "Perhaps I over did the chilling charm on MacNair's hands."
Harry and Dobby leaned back in imagined pain when they saw the male lion pay the Death Eater back in kind. After swatting MacNair's groin with its huge paw, the lion sat down suddenly. Harry and Dobby watched as the lion flicked its paw several times in an attempt to dislodge the testicle stuck on one of its razor sharp claws.
Dobby stood up, and hopped up and down when the female members of the pride gathered around MacNair to show their displeasure concerning him grabbing their mate's balls. "Dobby, can't see. Too many big lady cats in Dobby's way," he complained. Harry stood up and stepped behind his friend. Putting his hands under the elf's armpits, Harry lifted him over his head so Dobby could see better. Several elephants, numerous zebras, a warthog, and a meerkat knelt in homage while a baboon facepalmed and shook its head.
When his arms finally got tired, Harry put Dobby down. "Looks like we're done, Dobby," Harry said.
Dobby shook his head in disagreement. "Not yet, Harry Potter, sir," he replied before popping away. A moment later, Dobby returned holding a human skull that had very recently been scraped clean.
Harry looked down at the skull and then back up into Dobby's eyes. "Dobby, I think Hermione was joking about bringing her back the skulls of the Death Eaters we kill," he informed the elf.
"Dobby not be willing to risk it, Harry Potter, sir," Dobby stated.
Harry thought for a moment and then nodded his head. "Good call, Dobby," he praised.