Today 10:45 AM
I’ve been kidnapped
That’s not the correct response to hearing that your boyfriend has been kidnapped.
David, I know you’re with Stevie. I saw you get into the car with her this morning.
That’s beside the point. What if we’d both been kidnapped.
What?! Stevie’s been kidnapped?! I’ll alert the authorities!!
I hate you.
No, you don’t.
Today 12.55 PM
omg, I don’t want to say anything to Stevie cos she was so hopeful but I think she’s being stood up
I just want to see the cherry blossoms. She promised me cherry blossoms!
what are you talking about, why aren’t you both at the botanical gardens?
I told you before! She kidnapped me to chaperone her dirty weekend with that blogger
you didn’t tell me that
fine. Well that’s what happened. She didn’t want to get murdered or whatever, so she dragged me along under the pretense of seeing cherry blossoms. Which doesn’t appear to be happening.
Is Stevie ok?
Why are we talking about Stevie!! I’m missing out on cherry blossoms!
Today 1:07 PM
Do something about your boyfriend, he’s doing that thing with his face
his face does lots of things, you’ll have to be more specific
the impatient face. And he won’t stop jiggling his leg
stop jiggling your leg
omg is she complaining about me to you
well that was a delightful reaction, thank you
eh, that’s maybe a 6/10 you can do better
I’m working with limited resources here, still waiting for Emir
hope he shows up, Stevie
he didn’t show
we waited so long that I missed the cherry blossoms
we’re going to go get drunk
I’m sorry you missed the cherry blossoms David, I’ll take you some other time
there are polar bear shots calling my name
drink some water!
they have karaoke!!!
you better be taking video of this for me
Emir is here
Stevie went on a date
David, are you alone in the bar? How much have you had to drink?
I made a new friend Patrick!!
Her name is Tammy!!! We’re singing!!
okay David, have fun
Looks like you’re having fun
are you having fun Patrick? You should be having fun too
wanna come sing with me?
you have a nice voice
I like your voice
I’m at home David. Remember?
Paaaatrick, come joinnnnnnn me
They have Mariah here. We’re doing a duet
I can’t duet with you David. I’m not there
’m singing with Tammy
Patrick, I’m thirsty
drink some water David
Tammy bought me shots!
please drink some water
David, if you don’t drink water, you’ll be dehydrated and you know what that does to your skin
ohmygod why would you say that
I drank water. I think I packed some mask
do me a favour and check on David when you’re done with your date?
he’s your boyfriend
you took him away for the weekend, he’s your responsibility
ugh, fine then
Why are you asking anyway
I’m getting some interesting texts
not like that
Patrick! They have so much Mariah
Have you ever listened to the lyrics of honey?
can’t say I have David
did you know that honey is a euphemism
look up the lyrics first
have you done it
quick cos Tammy is singing and then it’s my turn again
ok I’ve read them
do you know what honey really is then
it comes from bees David
when Mariah sings about honey she’s
fuck hit send too soon
she’s singing about cum! Read the lyrics again!
Always strung out for another taste of your honey
sound slike someone I know
I mean you
you like my cum
you like it washing over you
you like the taste of it
are you still in the bar, could you not be in the bar
wow, he’s wasted
what do I do with this
Paaaatrick!!! Stevie came back!! With her friend!!!
he bought me more drinks!!
I don’t think that’s a good idea David
when did you ask me not to be in the bar?
why would you say that? I had a whole set to sing with Tammy!
it’s ok David, I took care of it...
Stevie is making me leave. She’s so mean
here’s your proof of life
awww you got him into pjs?
it was like wrangling a fucking octopus
wait. Did you strip him naked?
you forget I’ve been there done that
gross. I’m not going there again, you know that
not of that, of you seeing him naked just now
nope. We’re not discussing that. I will deliver his hungover ass to you tomorrow and then you’re taking custody of your boyfriend.
I’m opening the store tomorrow, he’s yours all day
that wasn’t the deal Patrick
he was yours first, and you did this to him
I’ll leave him with Alexis
good morning David. Drink some water, take some Advil. I’ll see you later
I love you
I want to die
I’m never drinking again
why did you let me do this
get out of bed David, I’ll have your coffee waiting at the store
I don’t wanna
I’ll make it worth your while … even if you left me hanging last night
it’ll be worth it, promise
it fucking better be!