Work Header


Work Text:


Today 10:45 AM
I’ve been kidnapped

excuse me?
That’s not the correct response to hearing that your boyfriend has been kidnapped.

David, I know you’re with Stevie. I saw you get into the car with her this morning.
That’s beside the point. What if we’d both been kidnapped.

What?! Stevie’s been kidnapped?! I’ll alert the authorities!!
I hate you.

No, you don’t.


Today 12.55 PM
omg, I don’t want to say anything to Stevie cos she was so hopeful but I think she’s being stood up
I just want to see the cherry blossoms. She promised me cherry blossoms!
what are you talking about, why aren’t you both at the botanical gardens?

I told you before! She kidnapped me to chaperone her dirty weekend with that blogger
you didn’t tell me that

fine. Well that’s what happened. She didn’t want to get murdered or whatever, so she dragged me along under the pretense of seeing cherry blossoms. Which doesn’t appear to be happening.
Is Stevie ok?

Why are we talking about Stevie!! I’m missing out on cherry blossoms!


Today 1:07 PM
Do something about your boyfriend, he’s doing that thing with his face
his face does lots of things, you’ll have to be more specific

the impatient face. And he won’t stop jiggling his leg


Today 1:08PM
stop jiggling your leg
omg is she complaining about me to you


well that was a delightful reaction, thank you
my pleasure
eh, that’s maybe a 6/10 you can do better

I’m working with limited resources here, still waiting for Emir
hope he shows up, Stevie

stop it


Today 2:15PM
he didn’t show

we waited so long that I missed the cherry blossoms

we’re going to go get drunk

I’m sorry you missed the cherry blossoms David, I’ll take you some other time
there are polar bear shots calling my name


Today 2:25PM
drink some water!


Today 3:45PM
they have karaoke!!!


Today 3:47PM
you better be taking video of this for me

on it


Today 5:17PM
Emir is here
Stevie went on a date
David, are you alone in the bar? How much have you had to drink?


Today 6:32PM
I made a new friend Patrick!!

Her name is Tammy!!! We’re singing!!

okay David, have fun

Looks like you’re having fun
are you having fun Patrick? You should be having fun too

wanna come sing with me?

you have a nice voice

I like your voice

I’m at home David. Remember?
Paaaatrick, come joinnnnnnn me

They have Mariah here. We’re doing a duet

I can’t duet with you David. I’m not there

’m singing with Tammy


Today 7:06PM
Patrick, I’m thirsty
drink some water David

Tammy bought me shots!
please drink some water

David, if you don’t drink water, you’ll be dehydrated and you know what that does to your skin

ohmygod why would you say that

I drank water. I think I packed some mask


Today 7:23PM
do me a favour and check on David when you’re done with your date?

he’s your boyfriend
you took him away for the weekend, he’s your responsibility

ugh, fine then
Why are you asking anyway
I’m getting some interesting texts

not like that



Today 8:09PM
Patrick! They have so much Mariah

Have you ever listened to the lyrics of honey?

can’t say I have David
did you know that honey is a euphemism

for what
look up the lyrics first

have you done it

quick cos Tammy is singing and then it’s my turn again

ok I’ve read them
do you know what honey really is then

it comes from bees David

when Mariah sings about honey she’s

fuck hit send too soon

she’s singing about cum! Read the lyrics again!

Always strung out for another taste of your honey

sound slike someone I know

I mean you

you like my cum

you like it washing over you

you like the taste of it

are you still in the bar, could you not be in the bar


Today 8:17PM
wow, he’s wasted
what do I do with this


Today 8:33PM
Paaaatrick!!! Stevie came back!! With her friend!!!
he bought me more drinks!!
I don’t think that’s a good idea David

when did you ask me not to be in the bar?
why would you say that? I had a whole set to sing with Tammy!
it’s ok David, I took care of it...

Stevie is making me leave. She’s so mean


Today 9:00PM
here’s your proof of life


awww you got him into pjs?
it was like wrangling a fucking octopus

wait. Did you strip him naked?
you forget I’ve been there done that

I’m jealous
gross. I’m not going there again, you know that

not of that, of you seeing him naked just now
nope. We’re not discussing that. I will deliver his hungover ass to you tomorrow and then you’re taking custody of your boyfriend.

I’m opening the store tomorrow, he’s yours all day
that wasn’t the deal Patrick

he was yours first, and you did this to him
I’ll leave him with Alexis


Today 7:00AM
good morning David. Drink some water, take some Advil. I’ll see you later

I love you


Today 10:30AM
I want to die

I’m never drinking again

why did you let me do this

get out of bed David, I’ll have your coffee waiting at the store
I don’t wanna

I’ll make it worth your while … even if you left me hanging last night

it’ll be worth it, promise
it fucking better be!