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I Can Feel It But I Can't Let Go

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Patrick knows this is a bad idea. The minute David had suggested he use the phone number, Patrick should have ripped it up. But he didn’t.

After the housewarming party they had had that conversation. About how their relationship wasn’t just about sex. And Patrick honestly believed that. It wasn’t. They were so much more to each other.

And David was right. It would be better to “explore” and “enjoy Ken” rather than in “five years down the line.” Well, then Patrick had to take a few hours to think about five years down the line, because that was a huge thing for David to say. And goddamn if that didn’t light up the butterflies in Patrick’s stomach.

So, he texted Ken. Because David said he should. And he agreed to dinner. Because David was fine with that. And he drove to the restaurant in Elmdale. Because Ken recommended it. And then he sat in his car until he saw Ken walk in. Because he’d forgotten how to move.

Ken’s wearing a black polo and dark jeans and the same black dress shoes that are like, a style Patrick doesn’t know the name of. And it’s been five minutes since he saw him, and he still can’t move because…this was so not what he wants to be doing. And all he can think about is losing David over this and fuck! He wasn’t doing this. He’s not losing David.

He’s also never stood anyone up in his life and he’s not about to start now, so Patrick walks into the restaurant and spots Ken sitting at the bar waiting. He’s probably a nice guy. Despite the weird shoes. He had a nice smile and a calm demeanor.

Apparently, Patrick stands stock still, staring at the back of Ken’s head - and his weird shoes - for too long because the hostess at the stand has to wave her hands in front of his face to finally get his attention.

“Yeah! Sorry!” he almost shouts. Unfortunately, that draws the attention of Ken who smiles and waves at him.

“You okay?” Ken asks, all kind concern when Patrick gets closer.

“Ummm,” Patrick can’t even breathe thinking about the fact that he’s on a date with another man and David is…David said…gah! “I’m so sorry,” he exhales, letting the awkwardness of the situation roll over him so he can finally, finally make the exit. “I’m sure you’re a great guy but I can’t do this. I’m actually seeing someone else and…it’s a whole thing. He said this was fine, and I just- I can’t-”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Ken cuts off his ramble, gentle hand on his arm. Still smiling. Still kind. Damnit. “I get it. Is it that other guy that was at your store?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Yeah, I thought I caught a vibe.”

“I’m…so sorry to waste your night. Can…can I pay for your drink?” Patrick offers lamely.

“No, don’t worry about it,” Ken says kindly. Because he’s a nice guy. And because he’s a nice guy he wishes Patrick luck when he leaves. And now Patrick feels even worse and all that anxiety piles on itself.

By the time he gets to the motel, Patrick’s sure his blood pressure is at dangerous levels. He only feels like it has resumed a healthier range when David wraps his arms around his head, and he can breathe again.

“Okay, this is a really long hug now,” he mumbles into David’s neck, not actually wanting to let go of him just yet but trying not to be such a mess in front of the man he loves…and his sister.

“Just need one more minute, mmhmm.” David squeezes him tighter and yup, that’s all he needs. He settles into the embrace and finally feels normal for the first time all evening. He thinks it’s about five breaths later that David lets go of his shoulders.

“Can we go back to my apartment now?” Patrick asks, still holding on to his waist. He wasn’t going to let go. Not until he absolutely had to.

They say goodbye to Alexis and a weird sibling thing passes between her and David for a second, but Patrick has learned to ignore that stuff. He'll hear all about it later if it's important. They silently hold hands over the center console on the car ride back. They hover around each other as they get changed and settled for the night.

“Do you want to talk about it?” David asks gently when they’ve gotten into to bed.

Patrick exhales some of the tension he was still holding on to and presses himself even closer to David’s side, interlaces their fingers together. “Thank you,” he says after a long beat, “for what you were trying to do. I see the intention there. After our Ted talk – shut up – after the thing with Ted, I’m on the same page. We’re good, I know that. But we also shouldn’t like, force this other stuff, ya know?”

“Definitely. And I apologize again for that.”

“It’s okay. We’re good. But…I want you to know, you’re it for me, David.”

“I’m-? …Oh.”

Patrick can feel how David’s body tenses at the revelation, and he tries not to let it hurt his feelings. They’ve been together a while now, but David has been burned a lot in his past. By Patrick even! He knows this. So. It made sense. But he wasn’t going to stop trying. He wasn’t ever going to let him slip away.

“Yeah. I am in this. As long as you are. Okay?”

“Mmhmm. Yup.” It sounds a little dismissive, but there are tears shining in the corners of David’s eyes and his hand is squeezing Patrick’s under the sheets, so maybe he didn’t miss the mark. Maybe David’s a little more ready too.

“Great. Do you want to make out now?”

“Yes, please.”

It’s comfortable and familiar what they do in bed. Patrick’s sure they’ve done everything, and there are just different ways of getting there. To the finish line. But of course, David also surprises him sometimes. Like, right now, he was pulling Patrick’s underwear off with his teeth. And when he successfully gets them off Patrick’s ankles, they both laugh at the ridiculousness of it, more of the tension stripped away with each item of clothing they remove.

Before David, Patrick would never have felt comfortable with laughing and goofing around in bed. All it took was finding the right guy apparently. Guy being the significant notable factor, of course. So when David settles between his thighs, pulling them up to his ears, he laughs again at the way David wants him to hold on, and the second laugh gets choked off when David swallows him down to the hilt in one swift move.

“Fuck!” he shouts as his body tenses and jerks.

“Mmhmm,” David hums and laughs with cock in his mouth, which Patrick takes as a challenge to make them laugh again and again tonight.

He takes a fist full of David’s hair and doesn’t pull, just lets him know he’s there. He’s all in this too. “You have a beautiful mouth,” he purrs as David licks him, takes him apart slowly piece by piece.

David pops off for a breath and sits up as he says, “Your thighs,” before palming Patrick’s legs. He looks down like he is admiring how his hands aren’t large enough to cover much surface area. “God, damn these thighs!” They laugh and David pinches him gently, squeezing more of his flesh and muscle. 

“Yeah, okay,” Patrick eventually reaches out to pull him in, then latches his mouth to the spot where David’s neck meets his shoulder. And using his apparently impressive thighs, he expertly flips their positions so David’s the one sprawled out on his back.

It’s so hot this game they play, push and pull, or just push push push sometimes.

“My thighs, but your fucking calves, David.” Patrick resituates them so David is the one to wrap his legs around him. And to punctuate his point, Patrick runs his hands from ankle to knee, pausing in the middle to knead the fleshiest, firmest parts. “Do you just stand at the till all day doing calf raises? I swear these have gotten bigger recently.”

“Mmm, fuck,” David gasps, rolling his hips up to seek the friction on their cocks that they both desire. “It’s all the anxious bouncing I do because my boyfriend is getting phone numbers from hot guys in our store.”

Patrick can’t help but fully laugh again. “So, you think he’s hot now then?”

“Mmm, no, Alexis said he was hot, I never said that. I may have described him as ‘cute’ because he’s like, still practically a fetus.”

“Why can’t you just admit that you were jealous?” There’s no ire or heat in Patrick’s question. It’s a tease, a continuation of the banter they throw at each other daily and he punctuates it with a roll of his hips into David’s hard cock.

“The same reason you didn’t want to admit you were jealous about Spin the Bottle,” David teases right back, flipping Patrick underneath him again and pinning him in place.

They usually weren't that athletic in bed, but god, that felt good. “I’m pretty sure I did admit that eventually, though.”

“Whatever, do you want to have sex tonight or not?”

Patrick wants to make a snarky remark about the sex they had that night but chooses to be the bigger man – metaphorically speaking because David was delightfully dominating the space right now. He tilts his chin up and draws David down to his lips so they can resume their lazy make out session.

The anxiety about losing David and being with someone else has all but leeched out of him and he tries to relax into the mattress and take his pleasure from David’s plump lips, but it’s not quite enough. Not exactly what he needs.   

“Will you fuck me? Please?” he whispers. It sounds like begging to his ears. It definitely is begging. But he needs this. Needs them to re-connect in this way to feel whole again.

David seems to get it. Understands the unspoken need under everything. He nods against Patrick’s lips and only moves away to grab the lube and condom from the bedside table, coming right back in as soon as he can. They hold each other close as David kisses his way down Patrick’s chest and stomach and hips. He settles in between his legs again, spreading him wide, licking him open. It’s hurried, but not frantic, the way David fingers him, stretches the tight ring of muscle until he’s panting. Patrick’s so desperate to be fucked that it doesn’t take long for his body to mold to David’s efforts, takes three fingers in smooth, determined thrusts.

“David, please,” he absolutely begs.

“I got you, I got you,” David assures him, quickly donning the condom and lubing up some more.

When David’s cock sinks into him slowly, Patrick lets out a soft guttural moan he’s never heard himself make before. David takes it as a command to be held, to be rocked into slowly and taken apart with each languid push of their hips. It’s just. So. Good. He’s so good.

They are drowning. Clinging to each other as they move and meet and clutch. And Patrick concentrates on the tingle at the base of his spine and the warmth of David’s skin and the rush of his breaths.

“I love you,” David whispers against the side of his head, gasping for air as he deepens his thrusts. Grasps Patrick's cock between them and languidly strokes.

And oh! It’s good. And ah! Mmph. Right th-! And uh! Yes. Mmm, David is-! “Fuck, yes! I love you!” I love you I love you I love you. Forever and ever and ever and Patrick floats. Soars. Fucking comes forever as David grunts and stutters and finds his own climax deep within Patrick.

They’re quiet for a long, long moment afterward. David pulls out but Patrick won’t let him roll away. Won’t let him burst their intimate bubble just yet. Later, they’ll return to the present, clean up and live in reality. But right now, it’s just them in the whole world. It’s a very long embrace.

Just need one more minute.