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Mildred had found the toy last week when cleaning out Gwen’s closet. Mildred might have kept the discovery to herself if not for Gwen walking in to find her holding the strap-on in her hands. Gwen had smiled, a hand pressed to Mildred’s back. “Darling,” Gwen cooed at Mildred.

“Is this something you enjoy?” Mildred had asked, worry bubbling up in her. She hates the idea that Gwen is holding back, treating Mildred like a porcelain doll who needs to be protected.

“Yes, it is,” Gwen whispered into Mildred’s ear. Mildred had stiffened then, and she had been so frustrated with herself for that because it made Gwen pull back and look at Mildred with concern. “I enjoy a lot of different things. I love everything we do together. If this is something you want to try then we can, and if not then we won’t.”

Gwen said it like it was so simple. It melted Mildred, put the worries about being enough to the side. Mildred had asked Gwen then whether she preferred to use the toy or have it used on her. “Both,” Gwen had told her, and that had sent tingles through Mildred’s body.

Mildred had worn the strap-on that night, and Gwen had moaned and cried out as she rode Mildred. Mildred was intoxicated by the way Gwen took pleasure, by how much she enjoyed being penetrated, enjoyed when Mildred had flipped her oven and thrust into her. Gwen had come so hard from that before eagerly licking Mildred until she reached her own orgasm.

This week has been busy, both Mildred and Gwen still settling into their jobs after returning home from Mexico. They’ve had moments to quickly pleasure each other in the shower before work or before pulling themselves from the comfort of their bed, but most evenings they have been too exhausted for more than cuddling before falling asleep. But Mildred hasn’t stopped thinking about it, can’t stop thinking about how much pleasure Gwen had experienced. Mildred has had sex with men before, has been penetrated, and all she felt was pain and a desperate desire for the man to come so that it would be over. She wonders whether it could be pleasurable with Gwen, whether this too could feel good to her. Afterall, Mildred had not once enjoyed sex before Gwen, but everything was different now. Her body thrummed with pleasure under Gwen’s touch. She wants to try. Gwen had confessed that usually she prefers to wear the strap-on, and Mildred wants Gwen to have everything she wants. But Mildred thinks she wants this for herself too.

Mildred is slowly accepting that she is allowed to want. Her body wants so much and so terribly when she is close to Gwen, and where that once frightened her, now that mainly fills Mildred with excitement and joy. Her every want is met with Gwen’s delighted smile, her perfect fingers, her beautiful mouth.

Mildred has changed into her short silk nightgown while Gwen was on the phone. They have time tonight, had come home after a lovely dinner out with a plan to spend their Saturday night at home together. Mildred has left the strap-on on the bedside table and illuminated the room with candles. Mildred’s chest flutters with both anxiety and anticipation as she hears Gwen’s footsteps coming up the stairs.

Gwen walks in and a smile lights up her face when she sees Mildred on the bed. “This is a lovely surprise.” Gwen unceremoniously strips off her pants and blouse before coming to the bed in only her brassiere and underwear, climbing on to Mildred’s lap, and pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

“I thought we could take our time tonight,” Mildred says, missing the luxury they had in Mexico to spend hours worshiping each other. “This week has been so busy. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, darling.” Gwen says as she unclasps her bra and throws it on the floor. “I think about you when I’m at work -  about your mouth.” Mildred feels her cheeks burn, knows she’s blushing. “I’m going to make it up to you now. I want to spend all night worshipping you like you deserve.”

Mildred feels that wave of fear rise up in her again. “I want you to use the strap-on on me.” It’s still frightening, even after being with Gwen for a few years, to say what she wants in bed. The shame about wanting had passed, but lingering shyness, especially about saying her desires out loud, that had been harder to shake.

Gwen takes Mildred’s hand, must see the fear in her eyes, because her face softens, and she gets the warm, open expression she always wears when Mildred talks about her past. Mildred’s eyes burn already, and she hates that. She doesn’t want to cry, doesn’t want this to get caught up in the past, doesn’t want to think about why having this toy inside her scares her.

“I will give you anything you want, sweetness. You know that, don’t you?” Gwen asks. Why does this make Mildred want to cry? Why has she been so filled with need and longing and dread ever since finding the toy in Gwen’s closet?

“If we have to stop, is that ok?” Mildred asks, and where had those words come from? She did not mean to say it. She knows Gwen would never push her to do something she doesn’t want. Gwen has always been the most patient, accepting lover. But there’s something about this that feels dangerous. She thinks of the many meaningless encounters she had pushed herself into because that was how she would prove she was normal, prove to herself she wasn’t broken forever by what had been done to her as a child. She thinks of sinking down on to men and burning so badly she feared her body would split open. She thinks about them shoving themselves inside her without a second of attention to her body to make sure she was ready. She wasn’t – didn’t even understand what that meant back then. Gwen would never do that. Mildred knows that, but still, the question had come out of her before she could stop herself.

“It’s always ok Mildred. If you don’t enjoy it then we can always do something else. This isn’t important to me. If you don’t want to try it, then we don’t have to.”

“I want to,” Mildred says, cutting Gwen off, because that’s the thing – as much as she’s afraid, she also wants this so much, finds herself wet at the idea of Gwen being the one to have her like this.

Gwen twines their fingers together and lifts their joined hands to her lips, pressing kisses to each of Mildred’s knuckles before resting Mildred’s hand against her chest. “I love you darling,” Gwen whispers as her thumb caresses Mildred’s hand.

“I love you too.” Mildred rolls on top of Gwen, kissing her lips. Mildred feels her anxiety fade as she keeps pressing kisses to Gwen, the feel of Gwen’s tongue against her own sending shocks of warmth down to Mildred’s core and making her moan. Mildred thrusts against Gwen, needs some friction to relieve the ache building in her core. Gwen maneuvers her thigh between Mildred’s legs, gives her something to rub against. When they had first started making love, this had made Mildred feel so uncomfortable, made her feel like a rutting animal unable to control her own desires. But there’s no shame to this anymore. She feels good and Gwen feels good, and Gwen has slowly, patiently helped Mildred learn that there should be no shame in that. Mildred finds that she is very fond of kissing Gwen when she feels this pleasure, and so this position where they rub against each other works quite well. Mildred keeps moving against Gwen, feeling the pleasure build with each thrust and each moan Gwen makes as she writhes against Mildred.

Mildred reaches between their bodies, seeking out Gwen’s clit and circling until Gwen is moaning in a way that Mildred knows means she’s close. Mildred ducks down, pulling off Gwen’s panties, pressing two fingers to Gwen’s entrance and moving her mouth to Gwen’s clit. She sucks hard at the same time she presses in with her fingers, curling them up and making Gwen cry out. Mildred had never known she could derive so much pleasure from giving another person pleasure until Gwen. But those moans, the way Gwen’s fingers press against Mildred’s scalp, it all makes Mildred throb fiercely. Mildred keeps sucking Gwen’s clit as she thrusts into Gwen until her walls are fluttering around Mildred’s fingers. Mildred offers the soft licks she knows Gwen likes after she’s come until Gwen is too sensitive and beckons Mildred up to lay on top of her and return to pressing gentle kisses to each other’s mouths.

Gwen flips Mildred after a few moments of kissing, and the throb in Mildred’s core has calmed down to a pleasant ache instead of a frantic need. Gwen takes her time sucking at Mildred’s neck, pressing kisses and tiny nips to the tender skin there. Mildred lets her eyes drift shut, her hand landing in Gwen’s hair, carding though it’s length. Mildred’s other hand goes to her own nipple, pinching it through the silk of her nightshirt until little shocks of pleasure travel down her body. Gwen nearly growls at that, pushing the fabric out of the way and taking Mildred’s other nipple in her mouth.

Mildred screams, pleasure shooting through her as Gwen’s teeth graze her nipple. “Please Gwen,” she moans, needing Gwen to touch her clit so desperately that Mildred thinks if Gwen won’t touch her then she will be forced to touch herself. Gwen gives Mildred’s nipple a lick before moving down to where Mildred so desperately needs her.

Gwen’s licks to Mildred’s core are maddeningly light, gentle caresses, when all Mildred wants is pressure. She can’t come from these soft licks that keep missing her clit, and Mildred whines her protest. Gwen takes pity on her then, easing a finger easily into Mildred. She gives a thrust and on feeling Mildred so wet adds another. Gwen keeps thrusting into Mildred and the pressure is building inside of her, but she can’t come without pressure on her clit, and damn it, Gwen knows that. “Do you think you can take a third finger?” Gwen asks, and it’s only then that Mildred realizes that Gwen is making sure she’s ready to have a toy inside of her. Mildred nods eagerly, lets out a whined yes. Gwen smiles adding another finger and at the same time pressing her mouth to Mildred’s clit. The touch of her tongue is feather light, but it’s enough, and Mildred can’t stop the orgasm that grips her body. Gwen keeps her fingers inside Mildred, her tongue pressed against her clit in that delicious way that prolongs her release.

When the ripples of pleasure abate Gwen moves up to lie next to Mildred. “Come here,” Gwen says, pulling Mildred to lie with her head on Gwen’s chest. Mildred wraps her arm and leg around Gwen. Mildred’s limbs feel loose, her body buzzing pleasantly, and she nuzzles into Gwen’s breast, breathing in her scent and pressing a kiss to the soft skin there. For a few moments they simply lie together, Gwen’s hands rubbing soothing patterns to Mildred’s scalp, her neck, her back, as the aftershocks of her orgasm fade into the feeling of soft, floating pleasure.

“Do you still want to try out the strap-on?” Gwen asks a few minutes later.

“I do,” Mildred says, thankful the anxiety has eased away with the calm that fills her after an orgasm. “I, well, I’ve never enjoyed penetration before. But I love having your fingers inside me.” Mildred’s neck burns at that admission, but she keeps eye contact with Gwen, and watches those blue eyes darken as her pupils dilate with desire. “I do want to try this.”

Gwen studies Mildred, looks into her eyes in that way that makes Mildred sure her partner can see her very soul. “Is there something else?” Gwen ventures. Mildred’s eyes fill with tears, making Gwen’s face appear blurred before her. Damn it, Mildred does not want to cry now.

“You’re so good to me,” Mildred says, her palm cupping Gwen’s cheek. Gwen is about to protest, opens her mouth, when Mildred cuts her off with a shake of her head. “The only time anyone has ever used something like this on me was when I was a child.” Mildred blinks and the tears spill over. She’s ruining the mood. Gwen will never want to be with her when Mildred is reminding her of the things that happened in that basement.

Gwen tucks a stray strand of hair behind Mildred’s ear, runs her fingers over Mildred’s cheek. “Are you afraid that you’ll get lost in the memory of what happened to you?” It’s happened before, only a few times, but Gwen has touched Mildred in ways that brought back awful feelings, and Mildred has frozen up. Gwen knows what to do if it happens, knows how to soothe Mildred, how to bring her back. That realization chokes Mildred with a wave of emotion. She’s doing something that might bring her back to the very worst moments of her life, but she’s with Gwen, and that makes Mildred feel brave.

“A little,” Mildred admits, “but I do want to try.”

“Ok,” Gwen says with a smile and a soft kiss to Mildred’s lips, like it’s the easiest thing in the world, like this dark tangent hasn’t dampened the mood at all. “Is there anything you need me to do?” Gwen asks. “Any positions or any way of touching you that you want to avoid?”

“No. I want this. I just want you to know that if I can’t –“ Mildred’s voice cracks, but she pushes on, “that it isn’t you.”

Gwen kisses Mildred then, and Mildred melts into the kiss. Her chest aches with love for Gwen, with the overwhelming feelings she has for this woman who she still marvels is hers to love. Gwen sits up and Mildred can see that she is reaching for the strap-on, pulling it on and securing the straps. Mildred sits up and pulls her nighty over her head, moving over to Gwen and kissing her again. Mildred deepens the kisses, gets used to the feeling of there being a toy attached to Gwen for a moment, before pulling back an inch, faces still nearly touching, before telling Gwen, “I’m ready.”

“Alright darling,” Gwen says with a soft smile. Mildred lays back, still a little unsure and wanting Gwen to take control. Gwen leans over Mildred’s center, their eyes meeting before Gwen swipes her tongue along Mildred again, ending with a little suck to her clit. “Just making sure that you’re still ready for me,” Gwen says. Mildred is, she realizes, immediately aching and needy again, despite the heavy conversation.

“I’m ready,” Mildred says, and she braces herself for the pain she remembers as Gwen lines up the strap-on with Mildred’s opening. Gwen pushes the head in, and Mildred is surprised to find it slips in easily. Gwen inches forward slowly, and Mildred feels her body stretch, and she lets out a breathy sigh as the toy rubs against where she is most sensitive.

“Ok?” Gwen asks as soon as she hears Mildred make a noise.

“Feels good.”

“Do you want me to keep going?” Gwen asks.

Mildred is not a virgin. She’s done this so many times before, and not once has anyone gone this slowly or asked if she felt ok or wanted more. Warmth tingles through Mildred and she feels so loved and cared for as she nods at Gwen. “More.”

Gwen guides the toy in slowly, her eyes fixed on Mildred, making sure there’s no sign of any discomfort on her face. Mildred truly had never known she could feel anything other than pain when someone entered her. She knows that not once with any of the men did she make a sound of pleasure, not once could she fully keep the look of pain off her face. It hadn’t stopped any of them. But Gwen is taking such care, stopping and rocking and letting Mildred get used to the feeling. “Still feel good?” Gwen asks, the toy about halfway inside Mildred.

“Feels good,” Mildred confirms, lifts her hands to Gwen’s cheeks. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too my darling.”

Gwen keeps rocking until finally their bodies are pressed together. Mildred moves her legs, wraps them around Gwen and kisses her. “I’m ready,” she tells Gwen when the pressure and need become too much to keep still. Gwen begins to rock back and forth, her thrusts starting out gentle. It’s nice, but nothing earth shattering. Gwen must notice that this isn’t doing much for Mildred, because she suggests, “Hook your legs over my shoulders.”

Mildred does as Gwen instructs, and the next thrust feels entirely different. Mildred sucks in a breath at the sensation as Gwen bumps up against that sensitive spot inside Mildred. “Good?” Gwen asks with a smile on her face.

“I think you know the answer to that,” Mildred says, but oh is it good. Gwen thrusts again and Mildred lets out a little moan.

“Just checking,” Gwen says. She starts up a steady rhythm, and this is good, an intense pressure building inside Mildred. She tries to tilt her pelvis higher, tries to get Gwen to hit that spot a bit more directly but Mildred’s thighs are starting to burn with the exertion of keeping herself in this position.

“Put a pillow under your hips,” Gwen instructs, slowing her thrusts. She waits as Mildred readjusts herself. “So beautiful,” she says, taking Mildred in. She gives a testing thrust and it’s perfect, hits exactly where Mildred needs her.

“Just there Gwen. Please. I need you.” Gwen picks up her pace then, finding a steady rhythm. The pleasure grows and swells, and it’s all Mildred can think of. She needs to come. “Please,” she moans, unsure what exactly she is begging for.

But Gwen knows. “Touch yourself,” Gwen commands. Mildred does, needs to so badly. Her cheeks flush, and all that matters right now is how badly she wants to come. Mildred moans at how intensely the pleasure is building inside of her. She rubs at her clit, pressing her fingers hard against herself as Gwen picks up the pace. Mildred comes with a shout, the feeling overwhelming her as Gwen keeps thrusting. It’s almost too much, almost more pleasure and intensity than she thinks she can bare. But Gwen slows to soothing little rocks and Mildred keeps her hand pressed against her clit as she rides out the feeling.

Mildred reaches her arms up when the feeling dies down to a soft pleasure and calm, pulls Gwen flush against her so their breasts are pressed together. The stimulation against Mildred’s tender nipples sends little shocks through her. She presses a kiss to Gwen’s lips, runs her fingers along Gwen’s sweaty temples, in her hair. Mildred loves this woman in a way she knows she can never find enough words to express.

Eventually Mildred lets Gwen go long enough for her to take the harness off, take a sip of water from the glass on the bedside table, and lie back down beside Mildred. Gwen rests her head on Mildred’s chest and Mildred wraps her arms around her, pulls the blankets around their bodies. Mildred presses a kiss to the crown of Gwen’s head.

Mildred doesn’t know how to put words to what she’s feeling right now. “Gwen.” Blue eyes look up at Mildred, and she can’t find the words still. Mildred feels splayed open, bare, sure that Gwen must be able to see everything. 

“What do you need?” Gwen asks as her hand glides up and down Mildred’s chest, grazing her breast. Mildred’s body still tingles, but the thrum in her chest now is from the overwhelming love bubbling up in her as she looks into Gwen’s eyes.

“I felt so safe.” That wasn’t what Gwen asked, and Mildred feels a little foolish for saying the words that make her feel a bit like a child. “I was scared, and you made me feel safe.” Mildred swears there is something about those eyes - when Mildred is looking into Gwen’s eyes she can’t stop herself from sharing her heart. “You make me feel so safe and loved Gwendolyn.” Tears fill beautiful blue eyes, and Mildred can see just how touched Gwen is. “You always make me feel so loved and special.”

“You are,” Gwen says. “You deserve to feel good and safe. I love you so much my darling. You’re always safe with me.”

“I know that,” Mildred says. She always does, intellectually she always knows, but her past has left her with these nagging fears that eat at her in vulnerable moments. But in this moment Mildred feels the safety of Gwen’s love in her very bones, soaks it up as Gwen stares at her.

“I loved that too Mildred. Being with you like that was incredible.”

“It felt so good,” Mildred says.

“I’m so glad,” Gwen says. “Anything you want; it is yours.”

Mildred smiles, because somehow, after so many long, difficult years, she has everything she wants right here. Words are still hard for Mildred when it comes to these things, and she doesn’t know how to say all that this means to her, so she pulls Gwen tight, squeezes her to her chest, presses kisses to her hair, and murmurs softly I love you, Mine, So beautiful. They rest together, breathing one another in, and no more words are needed.