Everything Is You
Summary: They were tipsy, fighting over her phone. Kalinda poking at her about sleeping with Will. What could happen when Alicia’s wall finally breaks down?
The bar was alive with drunk bridesmaids and even drunker groomsmen. The wedding obviously carried over from the ballroom into the hotel’s bar. It wasn’t their usual watering hole. They usually chose the classy bar down the street from Lockhart/Gardner, but tonight they wanted something different. Actually, tonight, Alicia wanted something different. She wanted to be in a place where no one would recognize her. Everyone around them were too drunk to notice the state’s attorney’s wife sitting too closely to the lead investigator in their firm. No one noticed that she didn’t pull away when the young woman leaned in to move a few strands of hair behind her ear. Alicia raised her glass to the bartender while Kalinda was laughing at something she said. They were both tipsy. Both forgetting they represented one of the top firms in Chicago. They giggled and touched without a care in the world.
Alicia’s phone vibrated on the bar, startling the usually posed attorney. They hadn’t been bothered in hours. Alicia had called Zach to let him know that she was working late and that Jackie was staying with them for the night. She had called Peter to let him know that the case they were working on was becoming more and more complicated. He felt better when he heard Kalinda’s voice in the background instead of Will’s. Alicia had let Jackie know that she would check on them in a few hours just to make sure she was all right. Despite what Jackie had put her through over the years, she loved her mother-in-law. As she saw Will’s number pop up on the screen she ignored the call. She couldn’t talk to him when she could barely remember what hotel she was in. She would inevitably say something revealing that she didn’t really mean. She grinned as Kalinda winked and took another shot. She had been well aware that the investigator had been leaning close in order to see who was calling her after ten p.m. As she moved to put her phone in her purse, Kalinda’s hand covered hers, tugging gently on the black plastic.
Kalinda grinned wickedly as Alicia’s hand tightened around the phone. She sat her shot glass down to prevent losing her alcohol. “Let go,” she said, trying hard not to laugh. Her fingers gently covering Alicia’s, feeling the electric shock running up her arm.
Alicia just looked at her, shaking her head laughing. “Hell no, I know what you’ll do with it,” she said through a hiccup. There was no way she was going to allow Kalinda to call the one person that had been pursuing her over the last year. And she didn’t need any more reasons for Peter to be on her case.
Kalinda tried to keep her stern face as she tugged on the phone. “Come on, Alicia. Will feels the same way about you.” Alicia was the only woman Will talked about when they were alone. Confessing to her that he had loved the woman since their time at Georgetown. Asking for the investigator’s advice on how to convince Alicia to go on a date with him. She had never brought up the subject, sensing she wasn’t getting the entire story from either of the parties involved. But she could see it every time she looked at Alicia. Every time she saw them in a room alone standing too close. Every time he gazed at her when she wasn’t looking. Kalinda saw it all, and she wanted nothing more than for her friend to be happy.
Alicia laughed and rolled her eyes as she jerked her phone away. Stashing it at the bottom of her purse. “No he doesn’t,” she said, turning back to the investigator. Alicia knew exactly how Will felt about her. She had known since the day he walked back into her life. William Gardner was never one to hide how he felt about anyone or anything no matter what it cost. He had told her repeatedly all through law school. Had tried to win her over before she married Peter. Had tried to convince her not to leave the work force after she had Zach, but she never listened. She hadn’t listened since Georgetown. Hadn’t wanted to hear anymore of his confession or advice. But no one knew that. She had never talked to anyone about that time in her life.
Kalinda took the last shot that sat in front of her, watching Alicia smile as she smirked at her. The investigator had never seen a man love a woman as much as Will loved her. He chased her around like a puppy hoping for a little attention. He showered her with praise in front of the other partners. Will was the one that had Kalinda bury evidence that Alicia was about to get fired from her previous job for not having a lawyer’s instinct. In all the years she had known him, Kalinda had never seen him go beyond the extra mile for a new hire. She had never even seen him protect Diane as much as he protected Alicia. “Yes, he does.” She struggled with her purse for a moment before pulling out her own phone. Laughing as she tried to unlock the screen. “I call Will. I tell him we’re in a bar. That you’re too drunk to go home...” She giggled as Alicia rolled her eyes, almost knocking over her drink trying to brush Kalinda’s hand off her arm. “I tell him you’re getting a room upstairs.” Kalinda held a seriousness in her voice. Although far to drunk to take much of anything seriously, she knew if she showed an ounce of humor Alicia wouldn’t take her words as the truth. Her hand resting on Alicia’s arm. “Just one night, Alicia. No repercussions.” Kalinda felt the muscles tense under her fingers. Alicia wasn’t giving in as the investigator had thought she would. Her wall was instead growing taller.
It wasn’t that Alicia hadn’t thought about it. She had done nothing but think about Will since being hired at Lockhart/Gardner. Having a one night stand with Will. Hurting Peter as deeply as he had hurt her. But she couldn’t hurt Will. That was a line she was never willing to cross. She cherished the relationship she had with the man that had been her friend for over twenty years. She refused to tarnish that with revenge sex. A one night stand would never be enough for him. He would always want more from her. He always had demanded more from her than she was willing to give. He wanted it all, but he was also the first one that broke her. The first person to show her what real pain felt like. “And tomorrow?” she asked, glancing up at Kalinda through her lashes. Marveling at her lack of embarrassment for their very public conversation.
Kalinda’s hand covered hers. She could feel the tension in Alicia’s long pale fingers even as her own ran soothingly over them. Noticing for the first time that Alicia had taken off her wedding band. The slightly paler skin had the typical semi-permanent indent from almost two decades of marriage. How had she not noticed? She made it a habit to check for wedding bands on everyone she came into contact with that day, except Alicia. Over the past year, she had just become accustom to the fact that the attorney was married. Seeing the ring every day, feeling it against her own hand when Alicia would reach for her, it was just a ghost that was always there. Kalinda watched her for a moment, observing, as her fingers passed over the now bare flesh. She saw the goosebumps appear on the older woman’s arm as her hand finally relaxed. It was an invitation that Alicia had no idea she was giving. “Tomorrow you wake up.” Peter was being released from house arrest the following morning. All the investigator wanted was for her friend to have a little fun before her husband was wandering the streets for another hooker. She deserved a few hours of happiness after the last year of constant questions and having to shield her children from every news station that Glen could buy off.
Alicia wasn’t interested in Will. Not in the same ways that everyone hoped she would be. Will was the most handsome man she had ever met. He would do anything to help anyone if he could. Unfortunately for Alicia, he was also the first person to throw it in your face. She would never have a sexual relationship with Will. She would never be interested in anything more than his semi-friendship. She was more interested in the goosebumps that were developing on her skin as Kalinda’s fingers moved over the veins in her wrist. Alicia was fascinated by the way her fingers twitched with every little touch from the beautiful woman. She shivered as small jolts of electricity traveled up her arm. She wanted to focus on the somersaults that were turning her stomach into a washing machine. “It’s not me, Kalinda,” she said, thinking of how badly it would hurt her relationship with Will. How badly their relationship had already been damaged an entire lifetime ago.
Kalinda leaned forward, brushing a few strands of hair behind Alicia’s ear. The woman’s hair was incredibly soft as it slipped through her fingers. As the tips of her fingers brushed against Alicia’s cheek, she felt a sudden jolt of something unfamiliar. Her hand rested beneath Alicia’s chin, waiting until green eyes met her own. There was something in the attorney’s eyes that hadn’t been there a few hours ago. A want and determination she had never seen before. “Everything you want to be you, is you, Alicia.”
Alicia’s hand trailed up Kalinda’s arm, slightly surprising the investigator by her almost silent gasp. Delighting in the goosebumps that appeared on the sensative skin as her fingers interlaced with Kalinda’s. Bringing their hands down to the bar. It should have felt wrong. It shouldn’t have felt natural as her fingers continued to moving slowly against the investigator’s. Alicia no longer saw the bar full of drunk party goers. She no longer cared about the men that had been watching them throughout the night. Alicia no longer cared that she was still the wife of Peter Florrick, the former state’s attorney. At that moment, all she cared about was how normal and safe she felt with Kalinda. She didn’t have to worry about anyone hurting her anymore. She didn’t have to worry about what everyone would think and say when she felt Kalinda’s skin against her own. It had been a decade since she felt special to anyone. “Can I ask you something that might offend you?”
Kalinda would blame it on the alcohol tomorrow. For the moment, she was fascinated by her bodies reaction to simple, everyday touches. Alicia touched her all the time. Everyday in the office, a simple hand on the small of her back sent shivers up her spine. A friendly hand on the arm in comfort, always meant so much more coming from Alicia. Kalinda could feel every man in the bar beginning to stare at them. Watching the intimate reaction as it unfolded. The investigator tilted her head to the side, smiling as her eyes moved from Alicia’s eyes to her lips. “Not easily offended,” she muttered, allowing her fingers to move slowly with Alicia’s. Enjoying having the older woman’s attention completely on her, if only for a little while.
Alicia shakes her head, smiling at the thought of the question leaving her lips. But it had been a long time since she felt comfortable with anyone. With Kalinda, everything was easy. They didn’t have to talk about everything. They could read each other well enough to know what the other was thinking and feeling. In the office, people had noticed they could finish each other’s sentences. They would accidentally drink out of the same coffee mug when they weren’t paying attention during the morning meetings. And everyone knew where one was the other was never too far away. Alicia thought of all those little things that had been pointed out to her by her assistant, Courtney. All those small moments that meant nothing to her at the time, caused her heart to beat faster as she looked into Kalinda’s brown eyes. “Are you gay?” she asked looking away for a moment before her eyes were drawn back to the investigator’s.
Kalinda couldn’t hold the laugh that suddenly burst from her chest; her fingers tightening around Alicia’s. It wasn’t that it was funny. It wasn’t even the question. It was Alicia asking the question. Married Alicia. Someone that she had considered off limits to her for so long. But Alicia’s face held it’s seriousness, and her fingers never stopped moving against hers. Her brow furrowed as she moved her chair closer to her best friend. She had seen Alicia act serious and stern with clients and other attorney’s. Kalinda had never seen this level of seriousness or openness from her in all the time she had known her, in all the situations they had found themselves in. She leaned closer, not wanting the world to hear the remainder of their conversation. “Why does it matter?”
Alicia smiled, the alcohol helping calm her nerves. Her right hand tentatively sliding to Kalinda’s stocking covered knee. The black material soft beneath her fingers. She took a slow breath as her fingers caressed the skin of her inner thigh. Watching Kalinda’s eyes flutter closed for a moment as she felt the sudden shiver rock her body. All the noise in the room disappeared. All the movement around them slowed. All Alicia could focus on was the way Kalinda bit her lip as her eyes fluttered open. “You’re answer determines my next question,” she whispered, glancing down at Kalinda’s lips as she made a show of licking her own. Tilting her head to the side, smirking. Proving she was just as sexual as the woman she was teasing.
Kalinda had never seen Alicia openly flirt before. And she had definitely never seen Alicia presenting herself with so much power. Her green eyes dilated, Kalinda could see the slight shake of the hand on her knee. She could almost hear the other woman’s heartbeat just as well as her own. Alicia was in complete control of her sexuality at that moment. And the longer Kalinda allowed the woman to play with her, the more control she had over her. But the attention Alicia was showing her was something she wasn’t yet ready to give up. With the attorney’s eyes only focusing on her, Kalinda felt like the most important person in the world. She grinned as she squeezed Alicia’s hand. “And if I said no?” she asked, glancing up at her through her lashes.
Alicia shrugged, pushing her drink away, signaling to the bartender to bring their check. She didn’t want to be drunk if Kalinda did say yes. She shifted on her stool, slowly removing her hand from the investigator’s thigh. Not touching the younger woman was becoming a struggle. The warmth and safety her touch offered was something Alicia hadn’t experienced in many years. With Kalinda she knew everything. She knew how the investigator was feeling on any given day. She could tell from the moment she saw Kalinda in the mornings if she had slept the night before or spent it drinking. She could see and feel it all. But she would never push the subject. She would never put the investigator in a situation to choose between their friendship and something more if they couldn’t have both. It wasn’t worth losing one over the other. Alicia looked at Kalinda with a gentle smile. “If you said no, I’d ask if you wanted to share a cab because I’m done drinking.”
Kalinda moved slightly closer. The toe of her boot resting on the bar between the attorney’s feet. Her knee gently pushing her legs apart. Matching Alicia’s confidence and sexuality with her own. Kalinda leaned forward, brushing her fingers down the side of Alicia’s neck. Feeling her pulse quicken as her fingers stopped at her carotid artery. Kalinda could feel the rapid pounding against her finger tips as she bit her lip to stop a moan from escaping into the bar. “And if I said yes?”
Alicia smiled, holding Kalinda’s erotic gaze with her own. She didn’t see the men ogling them from across the bar. She didn’t hear the wolf whistles coming from the drunk groomsmen. All Alicia saw, all she felt and smelled was Kalinda. “I’d ask if it only had to be one night?” Alicia saw Kalinda’s jaw tense and could feel her beginning to move away. Her beautiful, smiling face suddenly turning to discomfort and frustration. She could feel the pain radiating through the investigator’s heart as if it were running through her own. And Alicia knew why. “I filed for divorce three days ago,” she whispered, holding tight to Kalinda’s hand on her thigh. “He’ll get the papers delivered to his new address Monday morning, courtesy of Diane.”
Alicia would never step out of her marriage. She had made a commitment fifteen years ago and until she signed the divorce papers and had them presented to Peter she never would have. But her marriage was over. The commitment Peter had made to her had been broken. Her trust for the man that had promised to love her until his dying day had been shattered. Alicia felt no guilt as she squeezed Kalinda’s hand, waiting for her to answer the question that was still burning in the front of her mind. She had made her decision early that morning to pursue Kalinda. She had denied her feelings for the beautiful, mysterious woman for so long it was becoming exhausting. Alicia needed Kalinda like she needed air; there was no other choice.
Kalinda smirked, of course Alicia had already planned the conversation out in her head. She had probably practiced it a few times in the mirror before she worked up the courage to say the words out loud. Alicia was a planner. She had already taken care of her marital situation. She had already processed her feelings. Kalinda took a deep breath, allowing herself to fall into Alicia’s gaze. She had loved the beautifully powerful attorney from the first day she had met her. The investigator admired the woman’s bravery from the instant Will told her the previous state’s attorney’s wife was joining their firm after not practicing law for over a decade. Her beauty was something that caused Kalinda to pull herself off cases with other attorney’s and focus all her time on Alicia’s cases. Her natural sweetness and attention she paid to her caused an ache to begin deep in her chest when Kalinda couldn’t be around her. The investigator searched for any reason to spend more and more time with her. She adored how kind and empathetic the older woman was toward their clients. She loved how well Alicia was with the small children that passed through the office from time to time. Alicia cared about everyone, despite their situation. That was what Kalinda had fallen in love with. “Yes,” she whispered.
The ten minutes Alicia waited for Kalinda to join her were the longest moments she had experienced in years. It wasn’t fear or nervousness; it was anticipation and a feeling of wholeness that caused her to pace back and forth across the room. Wishing she had just had Kalinda come up to the room with her. Alicia never had second thoughts while booking the room and giving instructions to the front desk. The young man did look at her funny when he realized who she was, but the determined attorney ignored it. She didn’t think about calling Kalinda to make up an excuse while searching the hall for their room. Alicia smiled to herself as she leaned against the door thinking about the investigator following her, wanting her just as badly. And in those ten, long minutes, she didn’t once think about anyone else but herself and the woman she was waiting for. She didn’t care about the ten or so people that had seen them openly flirting in the bar. She didn’t care about rumors beginning and people finding out. All Alicia cared about was Kalinda walking through the door.
She heard the click of the card in the door and the gentle tapping of nails on the wall as the dimly lit room was flooded with the light from the doorway. Alicia didn’t have to turn and see Kalinda to know she was there. The smell of the exotic woman’s perfume was already filling the air. The hairs on the back of her neck and arms stood up. Goosebumps appeared on her skin as she felt the woman’s eyes on her. Alicia could always feel Kalinda before she saw her. It was an almost intense calm that came over her body moments before the investigator would appear at her side. Alicia slipped her shoes from her feet, using the small wooden desk to balance her weight. Letting her suit jacket slip from her shoulders and placing it on the table as neatly as her shaking hands would allow. Alicia could feel Kalinda standing only a few feet behind her. The carpet no longer allowing the attorney to hear the smaller woman’s approach. “Is this okay?” she asked, turning to face the woman that she had repressed her feelings for so long, and to her surprise the investigator looked more nervous than she felt. Fiddling with her rings. Biting at her lower lip. Glancing unsure at Alicia for a correct answer.
Kalinda wasn’t nervous of the physical intimacy that she craved to share with Alicia. She had wanted Alicia from the first moment she saw her. It wasn’t physically making love to the beautiful woman that had ever concerned her. It was the emotional intimacy and her fear of not being able to provide it that terrified her. Since her marriage had failed Kalinda hadn’t opened herself to anyone. Having a man that told her over and over again that he loved her, but continued to beat her, broke a small piece inside her. She needed Alicia. The investigator needed the older woman more than she had ever needed anyone. She would need the patience and the understanding that she knew only the attorney could provide. “Alicia...” she whispered, her hand shaking as she reached out to her. Alicia didn’t make her wait. The attorney’s hand was warm around her own. “I don’t want to play a game.” It was amazing how calm her body became with Alicia’s hand in her own. How much more strength she had with her body only a few feet away. “You don’t have to try and seduce me. I’m already here.” She took a step toward Alicia. Her body vibrating as she felt Alicia’s heat radiating from her skin. “But I do need you,” she whispered, searching for words that would describe her emotional difficulties. She never felt the responsibility to explain her feelings and actions to anyone. Never wanted anyone to dig deep enough inside her heart to really see her; until she met Alicia. “Emotionally this is gonna be hard for me. I don’t have sex with people I really care about.” She brought Alicia’s hand to her chest. Her heart beating faster with every touch to her skin. It was like an electrical current running through Alicia’s body and into her own. “It hurts too much when I fail.”
Alicia tugged her into her arms. Feeling her warm breath against her neck. “You can’t fail at this, Kalinda. Just stay present with me.” She had never seen the vulnerable side to Kalinda. Looking at her from the outside, you wouldn’t think that vulnerability existed within the tough, sarcastic woman. But it wasn’t just feeling vulnerable. It was anxiousness. And a little bit of fear. Alicia could feel it too. She could feel the butterflies in her stomach; the ache in her chest. “Nothing has to happen now,” she whispered, her lips gently touching Kalinda’s temple. “I just wanted to spend the rest of the night with you somewhere we wouldn’t be interrupted.” Alicia smirked as she glanced down, watching Kalinda smile to herself. She was biting her lower lip as her forehead rested against Alicia’s shoulder. “I’m a little selfish,” she whispered, her fingers trailing down Kalinda’s cheek. “I want you all to myself for a little while.”
Kalinda tried, but she couldn’t suppress the giggle that softly left her lips. It was a happy laugh, but she buried her face further into Alicia’s neck. She could feel the flush beginning to spread from her chest to her cheeks. Kalinda couldn’t begin to explain all the emotions flashing through her mind and body. She felt embarrassed by her inability to control what wanted so badly to spill out of her. Alicia’s hands continued running gently up and down her back in a hypnotic rhythm as she took a few calming breaths. She only pulled away once she gained control over her emotions. Kalinda glanced at Alicia’s face seeing nothing but understanding and patience. “Can we talk for a while?”
Alicia was surprised but her face didn’t show it. “You want to talk?” She whispered as the young woman laid her head back on her shoulder. She could feel her nodding and humming against her skin. Alicia couldn’t stop her fingers from massaging the muscles in the woman’s tense neck. Playing with the pins that still held the young woman’s hair in the tight bun. The goosebumps were becoming more and more visible on the woman’s skin the longer her fingers moved. Every few seconds, Alicia glanced down to see the smile of the investigator’s face getting bigger, the blush in her cheeks getting brighter. “Kalinda Sharma wants to talk?” She whispered a little louder, playing with the studded earring Alicia had never seen her without. She wasn’t trying to tease or make fun of her, but Kalinda had never told any information about herself without at least a little bit of pressure.
Kalinda nodded, trying to think of all the things she wanted to share with Alicia from the very beginning. She wanted to tell her everything. But Alicia’s fingers on the back of her neck, her gentle breath in her ear, were all she could focus on. Any thought she had, every memory she had wanted to share all slipped away. Kalinda slowly pulled herself a few inches away from the woman with the magic hands, needing to see her face. “I’d like to share some things that are important.”
Alicia caressed her cheek before glancing over the woman’s shoulder and noticing both their overnight bags sitting by the door. “We can get out of our work clothes and into pajamas,” she said a little louder at Kalinda’s smirk. A little flirt coming back to her facial features. Normally, Alicia would find the investigator’s flirting, little smirks, and sexy looks a complete turn on, but she wanted more. She wanted more than the physical relationship Kalinda was so accustom to. And wanting that terrified her. “I don’t think either of us are leaving tonight.” She tried to hide the emotion that had begun to bubble in her chest. But as the words left her lips, they broke. Alicia couldn’t imagine what she would do if Kalinda decided to walk out the door, leaving her emotions dangling in the air. She couldn’t imagine going home to her empty bed because she still refused to let Peter back in their bedroom. The fear that the younger woman would suddenly decide to leave caused her hands to tremble.
Kalinda smiled, turning her head slightly, kissing the palm of Alicia’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere.” She felt more than heard the gentle sigh that left the older woman’s lips. Kalinda covered Alicia’s hand, kissing her exposed wrist and finally interlacing her fingers with the attorney’s trembling ones. “I think you’re the sweetest person I’ve ever met,” she said with a smile, a little of her confidence returning as she caught Alicia’s wet green eyes with her own. “Any other person would have already had me in bed taking whatever they wanted from me.” Kalinda saw the disgust appear in Alicia’s eyes as the color became darker. She could see her nostrils flaring with the jealous that had been building over the last year. “I’ve rarely experienced what you’re offering.”
Alicia’s thumb ran gently over Kalinda’s cheek bone, the nerves in her stomach settling only slightly. She couldn’t imagine the kind of person that would treat Kalinda that way, turn her away after they got what they wanted from her. The kind of person that would only be interested in Kalinda’s body instead of her mind. Alicia could name a few people that were questionable; Donna, Dana, Cary. The older woman still wasn’t sure about Lana. “Who in the world would ever give you up?” she whispered, glancing down as Kalinda ran her tongue over her bottom lip.
Kalinda reached for Alicia’s wrist, squeezing it. Blushing under the older woman’s intense gaze. She had never had anyone look at her the way Alicia did. She had never felt safe with anyone other than Alicia. But she did have people treat her poorly; use her for her body and throw her away. “I’ll answer that question after I change,” she whispered, desperately needing a minute alone to collect her thoughts.
Alicia stepped away, allowing Kalinda to go to her bag and carry it to the bed. She watched the young woman silently unzip her bag and pull a purple nightgown from the bottom. It was a color the older woman had secretly loved on the investigator’s body. The way the color bounced off her skin and made her eyes look brighter fascinated her. Alicia blushed as she started imagining the soft material against Kalinda’s skin. How pronounced the night dress would make her breasts look. How much thigh would be exposed with every step she took. Alicia turned as her cheeks began to feel like they were on fire and grabbed her own bag, throwing it on the desk next to the dresser. “I’ll change in here,” she said over her shoulder, smiling as Kalinda disappeared into the bathroom.
Alicia stripped her suit and skirt from her body. Folding them quickly and placing them in the bag. Her bra and thigh highs were quickly removed along with her heels. Alicia stretched her feet for a moment, working the knots from both arches before reaching down and gently massaging her painful toes. ‘One of these days you’ll have to stop wearing heels. Why the hell do I wear them in the first place? I’m already too damn tall….oh right…..Peter liked me in heels.’ Alicia pushed the internal monologue to the back of her mind, refusing to let Peter ruin yet another part of her life. She slipped the crimson red night gown over her head, feeling it stop mid thigh. She pulled the pins from her hair, allowing her brown waves to fall. Alicia knew how much Kalinda liked her hair flowing down her back, she had allowed the investigator to play with the loose strands on enough occasions to pick up on her pleasures. Alicia used her makeup remover wipes and the living room mirror to remove the colorful remnants of the day. It was something she knew the young woman would appreciate. Kalinda had made numerous comments throughout their friendship that she looked more beautiful without the layers of cosmetics. She knew the young woman loved the light dusting of freckles on her nose that makeup did a good job of hiding.
Inside the bathroom, Kalinda’s hands were shaking as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror in her dark purple nightgown. It hadn’t taken the keen investigator long to discover the older woman’s obsession with the color on her skin. Every time she wore a particular shade of purple, Alicia couldn’t take her eyes off her. She would constantly catch her during the morning meetings gazing at her across the table when no one was looking. Kalinda would catch her turning around in the courtroom just to catch a glimpse of her in that tight, low cut purple sweater she began to wear more and more. She washed her face with her organic skin sensitivity soap, careful to remove all the makeup that helped create her mask. It hid the fact that she rarely slept and drank too much when her demons came knocking. She gathered the ten or so bobby pins from her hair, watching the curls pool around her shoulders, another layer of her armor gone. She didn’t have anything left to hide behind. As she looked in the mirror, she didn’t see the uptight, out spoken, powerful investigator; she saw the woman she had been hiding.
Alicia sat on the side of the bed, fiddling with the bottom of her nightgown. She wasn’t nervous, not anymore. There was an odd, peaceful feeling that coursed through her veins. She didn’t worry about Kalinda deciding to leave, in her gut she had always known the young woman would never leave once given the opportunity. She didn’t worry that she would suddenly do something wrong, something that would drive the timid woman further away from her. All the things she had feared, had fretted over, had cried over all disappeared. Alicia could hear Kalinda moving around in the bathroom, could hear the sink running and a few things clattering in the sink, but she didn’t bother glancing at the door. She only looked up as the bathroom door clicked open, and for the first time in her life, she understood why Peter and her other sex partners loved her in a simple nightgown. Kalinda was beautiful as she stood in the doorway, makeup gone and hair down; worrying her lower lip as her eyes caught Alicia’s shyly. Kalinda’s face glowing naturally as she blushed when she refused to look away. Alicia couldn’t have looked away for anything in the world. The dark purple played softly against her skin. The gown hugged every curve from Kalinda’s breasts to her hips. A slit ran up the outside of her right thigh showing more skin than she had ever seen. With the shift of her hips, Alicia could see the small band of her thong. She had the most beautiful body Alicia had ever seen. She had to bite the inside of her cheek to suppress the moan that was building in her chest.
Kalinda leaned against the door frame, savoring her first intimate look at Alicia. She had never seen the older woman look so soft and relaxed. The almost blood red night dress caused her skin to look almost like a porcelain dolls. She was beautifully pale. A dusting of freckles decorated her chest. Kalinda noticed a beauty mark on the top of her left breast. And as Kalinda pushed herself away from the door and to Alicia. She stepped closer. She could see the light freckles across her nose now that the offending makeup was gone. It was the most beautiful she had ever seen her. As she approached the edge of the bed, stepping in between the attorney’s pale thighs, nudging her knees further apart with a bump from her own. Feeling her own bare thighs against the older woman’s hot, soft skin caused a silent sigh to escape her lips. The fabric moving further and further up the woman’s thighs until Kalinda’s knee finally hit her core. Alicia leaned back on her hands, allowing her a perfect view straight down her body. The investigator bit her lip, trying not to moan as she watched Alicia’s breasts stretch the fabric. Her nipples looked painfully hard as she watched the flush spread up Alicia’s chest. Kalinda could hear the woman’s quiet panting. “You’re making it really difficult to want to talk,” she said, with a smirk.
Alicia was fascinated by the change in Kalinda’s body. For as long as Alicia had known her, the investigator was always stomping across rooms, running across busy streets and kicking doors in on the rare occasions. She had never seen Kalinda almost glide across a room. She was graceful and seductive in her movements. Allowing her hips to naturally sway instead of the boots forcing her normally sharp movements. As Kalinda’s fingers glide over the top of her thigh, Alicia’s legs moved further apart, almost a reflex. Her body naturally working with Kalinda’s just as their minds always have. She leaned against her forearms, mostly to see Kalinda’s face, but the almost silent gasp she received caused her back to slightly arch. Alicia watched the blood fill Kalinda’s cheeks as the investigator’s eyes found hers. She sat up, her fingers finding Kalinda’s against her thigh. The young woman still hadn’t said a word, but her eyes spoke volumes. Alicia trailed her fingers up Kalinda’s arm before standing, causing the investigator to take a step back. Her fingers caressed the warm skin of her neck before tangling in the black curls. She watched Kalinda’s lips part as her body finally relaxed. Alicia smiled, “You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?” Her lips grazed the investigator’s cheek. Alicia watched Kalinda’s eyes flutter closed, her lips parted as she began to pant softly. “Intelligent beyond anyone I’ve ever met.” She kissed the corner of Kalinda’s mouth, surprised that the powerful woman was allowing her so much intimate access with no protest. “The kindest person, with the biggest heart,” she whispered against Kalinda’s lips.
Kalinda smiled as her heart soared at Alicia’s words. She had heard kind words and words of love whispered in her ear during moments of passion; the investigator had never believed any of them. No one had ever tried to make her feel the words and not just hear them. Alicia’s words, whispered ever so softly, reached into that cold, dark place she tried to hide, warming her from the inside out. Kalinda’s eyes fluttered open as she felt Alicia’s lips move away, leaving her wanting. Her smile only getting bigger when she saw the arousal in Alicia’s eyes, the wanting smile on her lips. “Are you gonna kiss me or tease me all night?” she asked as Alicia pulled away enough to push the investigator’s curls from her face. Before Kalinda could pull her back in, Alicia’s lips were on hers. The breath was knocked from her lungs. Sparks flew in front of her eyes as Alicia’s lips sucked hard on her bottom lip. In that moment, Kalinda understood everything her grandparents told her growing up. She felt it in every nerve in her body. Her hands wrapped around Alicia’s neck, fingers playing with the baby fine hair that she had grown to love. Her tongue pried Alicia’s lips apart and moaned at the first touch of her tongue against the attorney’s. The deeper the kiss, the hotter the fire that burned in her chest and belly. Alicia’s nails dug deeper in her hips. Kalinda nipped and sucked at Alicia’s swollen bottom lip as she felt the woman moan and gasp.
Alicia was the first to pull away, panting as she watched Kalinda smile. Cheeks red. Lips swollen. The woman in front of her gently rested her forehead against her own. Alicia couldn’t help but breath in the only scent she would ever need again; Kalinda. It wasn’t the soap she had used on her face or the perfume she had dabbed behind her ears; Alicia could smell her arousal. “You said something about talking?” she almost laughed as her body fought the words as they came out of her mouth, fearful that finally talking might push Kalinda away. But instead of pulling away, the young woman buried her face in her neck, pulling Alicia closer. The attorney could feel Kalinda trying to regain control of her breathing as the puffs of air against her neck began to slow and gentle kisses and nips were left in their wake. She could feel Kalinda’s teeth scratching the skin as she created hickeys all the way to her ear. Alicia couldn’t stop the gasp and long moan as she felt the young woman’s warm lips suck and bite at her ear. “Sweetheart,” she gasped, trying to turn her face towards the arousing woman. “If you don’t stop, I’m not gonna give a shit what you have to tell me,” she almost growled as Kalinda bite down on her neck hard enough to leave a small mark.
Kalinda moaned as her hands began to fidget behind Alicia’s neck. Slipping the gold band from her thumb. She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to talk about all the things that still haunted her at night. She didn’t want to frighten Alicia with the truth she wanted. But she wanted more than she had with anyone else. She wanted to bare herself to someone and have them love her despite what they saw; that was Alicia. Deep in her heart she knew Alicia would never judge the things she had to do. Kalinda took a deep breath as she handed over the emotionally heavy piece of metal. “Just need to tell you something you might not understand,” she whispered, taking a step back before holding out the ring for Alicia to see. It was a simple object, but the meaning and hold it had over her was significant. “I was married to Nick Savernse.”
Alicia took the cold metal between her fingers. Noting the engraving on the inside. Mine. She had seen the ring every day from the time they first met. She had never bothered to ask the young woman about the piece of jewelry because Lana made herself known early in their friendship. Alicia shook her head, eyes searching Kalinda’s. “I’ve seen your personnel file. You’ve never been married.”
Kalinda’s hand shook as she led Alicia to the bed. As Alicia sat, Kalinda situated herself to face the unusually calm woman. Alicia’s eyes never wavered from hers even as she rolled the ring in her hand. “Kalinda Sharma has never been married. And she didn’t exist until five years ago.” Kalinda took a deep breath as Alicia moved closer, a hand gently rubbing her silk covered back. “I was married to the biggest cocaine trafficker in Canada for six years. I was only sixteen when we got married, he was just...older. I never saw my parents again. The abuse started slowly, yelling, name calling. By the end of the first year, I had been hospitalized twice.” Kalinda glanced down at the ring as Alicia gently kissed her cheek. “Leela never fought back. She didn’t even try to save herself. He did whatever he wanted to her. His friends did what they wanted.” Kalinda cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. “She only got away when he was sent to prison. I stayed for a year, repeatedly filing for divorce. Trying to legally separate. After the third attempt, the death threats started. I had a lot of friends on the force, a lot of friends at the D.A.’s office.” Kalinda focused on Alicia’s eyes as she remembered what she had done. “Leela Tehiri died in a house fire. Her husband was suspected due to the threats to her life.” Alicia placed the ring back in Kalinda’s hand. “I wear it to remind me to never go back to that place.”
Alicia kissed her temple. “Is it possible he could find you?” she whispered, not needing to know anything else.
Kalinda had told one of her darkest secrets and instead of running away, Alicia fretted over her safety and pulled her closer. “He died shortly after they told him I was dead. The sheriff told me he committed suicide.” She looked away for a moment before looking back at Alicia. Kalinda knew every word out of the sheriff’s mouth had been a lie. They were protecting her the only way they knew how. But the lie didn’t taste any less sour on her tongue. “Something about not being able to cope with what he did to his little innocent wife.”
Alicia took Kalinda’s hand, helping the smaller woman into her lap. Her thighs straddling Alicia’s legs. She tilted Kalinda’s chin up, smiling as she moved the curls behind her shoulders. “Does anyone else know?”
Kalinda nodded, slipping the ring back on her thumb. Her fingers busying themselves with Alicia’s sloping neckline. Running her fingertips over the tops of her breasts, listening to the increase in the older woman’s breathing was the only thing that encouraged her to keep talking. “Lana Delaney was one of those friends. She got me out of Canada while the house was still burning. I stayed with her the first year. Basically hiding until Leela’s death was forgotten. She created Kalinda Sharma from a computer in her office. Took me to the shooting range and taught me how to shoot every gun that’s legal to own. She had a buddy of hers teach me hand to hand combat. that’s how I know everything I know.”
Alicia kissed Kalinda’s forehead. “You are the bravest woman I’ve ever met.”
It felt like a weight had been held deep inside herself for years. Never sharing it with anyone. “That’s what I wanted you to know before we decided to do this.”
Alicia kissed her briefly, brushing away the few tears that slid down Kalinda’s face. “Anything you want to know, ask me.” The attorney couldn’t think of anything the investigator would want to know about her that she hadn’t already found out on her own. Alicia hadn’t been one to keep secrets during their friendship. She had talked about the divorce, her life at Georgetown, her children, even her childhood with Owen. But she knew Kalinda, she would find a secret. “Any part of myself I haven’t already shared with you, whether against your will or not, I’ll tell you,” she said through a small laugh as her hands settled on Kalinda’s bare thighs.
Kalinda smiled, wiping her face and sitting back on Alicia’s legs. “I can’t talk about sad shit anymore.” The investigator thought for a moment before grinning wickedly. “Who took your virginity?”
Alicia froze, her heart skipped in her chest. She had never told anyone how she really lost her virginity. She had lied. She lied to her friends when they had asked her, lied to her mother about not having sex, and she had lied to Grace during her awkward sex talk when she got her period. Only Owen knew the truth and he would never tell. Alicia had lied to save herself from having to explain why she had never talked about her first love. She lied to save her heart from having to ache every time his name slipped from her lips. Mostly she lied to protect herself and save a relationship that was doomed to fail. But she couldn’t lie to Kalinda; not after promising her anything. Alicia let out a heavy breath as Kalinda’s fingers traced her jawline. She couldn’t lie with Kalinda touching her; so she started talking. “Freshmen year at Georgetown. I met him two days after moving in the dorms.” Alicia started, almost flashing back in time to the abandoned top floor of the library. Sitting alone in the corner, on an old crappy blue fabric covered couch, reading her book. “He was in the library looking for a study partner for the semester.” Alicia smiled as she remembered how shy he had been. How reluctant he was to approach her. She had watched him hovering by the stairs for ten minutes before he took a deep breath and asked her name. He was so handsome and sweet, Alicia had fallen immediately. “Surprisingly, we were in all the same classes and he seemed nice, so I agreed. We spent every spare minute together after that. He was my best friend before anything else.” Alicia smiled as she remembered the only other time she was truly happy with another person. “He was so sweet all semester. When we passed our last final, a few weeks before Christmas, we went back to his apartment. And...that’s how I lost my virginity,” she said, blushing, refusing to tell the details she knew Kalinda would want. She would tell her one day what happened, but not today.
Kalinda nodded. It was the story she had pictured in her head for the past few years. Young, handsome Peter Florrick courting naive Alicia right into his bed, but what else did she expect. Kalinda’s eyes caught Alicia’s as she tried her hardest not to look at her. She was worrying her bottom lip, her fingers began nervously moving against her skin. Something was off. Alicia wasn’t telling the full story. “The story of Alicia meeting Peter Florrick?” It was meant as a question, but as her lips hovered over Alicia’s, it came out more as a statement.
Alicia laughed, she couldn’t have stopped it if she tried, pulling Kalinda closer by her hips as she leaned back against the headboard. Needing her to be closer as she told the one secret she held close to her heart. “I didn’t meet Peter until my senior year. I lied to him when he asked me because I didn’t want him to know who it was.” Even as the words left her lips eighteen years later, they felt wrong. Peter had asked, but probably wouldn’t have known the difference no matter what she said. But he hated Will, and she couldn’t help but still love him. In the moment, the lie had simply slipped from her lips, wanting to give Peter what she knew he wanted. Even in that moment, with Kalinda in her arms looking at her with so much passion Alicia could barely stand it, she cherished the fact that someone who really loved her was the first person to touch her. But she cherished even more that she could have that twice. “Will Gardner took my virginity after our criminology final. Two days before the end of our first semester. I think we stayed in his apartment the entire weekend.” She knew they stayed in his apartment the entire weekend and every weekend after. He worshiped her for months.
Kalinda raised an eyebrow. Running her fingers along Alicia’s freckled shoulder, along her clavicle and over the tops of her breasts marveling at the goosebump skin she left in her wake. Even talking about past lovers didn’t effect the way Alicia’s body responded to her touch. It was always something she feared when imagining a relationship with Alicia; that she would suddenly decide Will was a better option, an easier option. “That’s very specific,” she said with a smirk, eyes finding her lovers looking happy that she hadn’t pulled away, but there was a sadness behind them as well.
Alicia shrugged, smiling to herself. Thinking back to those moments she kept to herself, moments she was allowed to cherish without the judgment of others for so long. Will had always been gentle with her, treating her as if she would break if he grabbed her too hard. He had loved to cuddle after their hours of love making. Will loved having her close, loved holding her and whispering words of love in her ear. “It was memorable,” she whispered before kissing Kalinda gently. After the first time, she had cried, not because she wasn’t happy, but because she finally felt special to someone. Will had been understanding, sweet, holding her until she fell asleep. When she woke up as the sun began to rise Alicia had realized Will had never let go.
Kalinda could see the flashes of memories as they spilled in front of Alicia’s eyes. The gentle smile on her lips made the investigator’s heart flutter. Kalinda had expected Alicia had a past relationship with Will. She had seen it on Will’s face the moment he had told her to cover the reason Alicia was about the be fired from her last firm. She could see the love and longing in his face. He could see the want in his eyes every time he looked at Alicia. It wasn’t the same when the older woman looked at the man. Alicia always put a smile on her face, but her eyes screamed hurt and disappointment. She was always trying to keep her distance. Backing away from him when Will would get too close. Pulling away when his hand would touch her skin. Always making an excuse to leave the room when the conversation began to turn personal. Kalinda knew the history had to be long and painful, but she never had the guts to ask either of them the real story. “How long?” Her fingers brushed a few tears from Alicia’s cheek.
Alicia couldn’t help the smile that broke across her face. Kalinda’s understanding and soothing touching reminded her of those times with Will. Only when Kalinda touched her it went so much deeper. She couldn’t help the tears that fell from her eyes. “A year and seven months. He broke up with me before summer break. He never would tell me why,” Alicia said through a few sniffles. Grabbing Kalinda’s hand and pressing it hard to her chest, wanting her to feel her heart pounding through the skin. “Poor Owen had to hold my hand while I spent the entire summer break crying.” She started laughing as she remembered Owen’s great revenge against the man that hurt his sister. “Owen placed an order for a male escort and sent him to Will’s fraternity house.”
Kalinda took Alicia’s moment of laughter to move from the warmth and comfort of her lap to the soft sheets of the bed, positioning herself beside the woman she had fallen so hard for. Pulling the covers back for the both of them to climb under the cool blue sheets and heavy white comforter. She waited for Alicia to mirror her position on her side. Watching a few tears fall down Alicia’s face. She would have to ask Will why he had been such a bastard. Why he had taken what Alicia had given him and thrown it away. She didn’t want the answer for herself. She already had a feeling what happened in Will’s supposedly brilliant brain. “You loved him, didn’t you?” The words were out of Kalinda’s mouth before her brain had decided on whether to ask the question.
Alicia nodded, resting her head against her hand. “As much as I could love anyone at twenty. I think that’s why he’s been so interested since I’ve come back to work. I think he’s interested out of guilt and some strange need to rekindle what we had.” She paused for a moment, stroking the palm of Kalinda’s hand. Tracing random patterns up and down her arm, finding it fascinating that chill bumps erupting on the woman’s skin. “But there’s no repairing what he worked so hard to break.” Alicia moved closer. Her hand slipping under the blanket, finding Kalinda’s silk covered hip. “He pushed me away. He and his friends laughed at me when I showed up at his apartment crying. He didn’t care that he hurt me.” It didn’t matter how Will felt. It didn’t even matter how Alicia felt almost twenty years ago. She wasn’t that twenty year old girl that swooned over a boy. She couldn’t be that easily fooled again. She was a grown woman with responsibilities. She needed stability. She needed someone she could trust. Someone that wouldn’t run away at the first sign of trouble.
Kalinda moved closer, allowing Alicia’s hand to slip to the small of her back. Her own hand grasping Alicia’s neck gently, her thumb moving soothing back and forth below her ear. Understanding how much pain Alicia and Will must have been in throughout her time at the firm. Will regretting treating Alicia poorly and wanting so badly to make up for his mistakes. And Alicia trying to guard her heart against another betrayal. “You know Will is gonna hate me when he finds out.”
Alicia pulled her flush against her chest, forcing Kalinda’s eyes to travel back up to hers. Needing her to understand Will didn’t matter, all she wanted was the woman that was panting in her arms. Her hand slowly moving to the investigator’s muscular thigh. Lifting it to her hip. “He would never hate you,” she whispered, her nose nuzzling Kalinda’s. It was true, no matter what the investigator did, Will could neither hate her nor stay angry with her for any period of time. Will loved Kalinda more than he loved his two sisters. But once the word got around the office, and it would because Alicia refused to keep anymore secrets, Will would be angry. And that anger would always be directed at the woman he turned away eighteen years ago. “He’ll just take it out on me and I’m used to it.” Her nails ran up the underside of Kalinda’s thigh, smiling when she whimpered. “I don’t wanna talk about Will anymore.” Her thigh slipped between Kalinda’s, pressing roughly into her core, feeling just how aroused the woman truly was. She could feel the sticky nectar coating her thigh every time Kalinda’s hips moved. She watched the young woman’s mouth drop open in a silent moan, but her eyes never left hers. “The only thing that matters is you and me, right?” she asked as Kalinda moved her hips slowly against her thigh.