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I'm not ready to die

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It was really cold in the mountains of Madness. The wind moved all branches and leaves in the front of her legs. The cold got to every part of her body but Sabrina knew it’s not because of coldness. The thought about the thing she had to do made her exhausted body felt chill.

Sabrina knew it’s her fault. It all was wrong from the very beginning. She was a half-breed born by a mortal mother and a warlock father. Or her father was Satan? Or she didn’t even have a father because Edward clearly said that she was an unwanted child, and Lucifer accepted only Sabrina Morningstar.

Morningstar.

Her heart cringed when she remembered her second half. Oh Heavens, she wanted to turn time back. She remembers how they both were having fun, laughing, dancing in their bedroom, talking about boys just like two old best friends. Now the Sabrina Morningstar’s soul was dead, and her body was used to Spellman’s life.

Sabrina Morningstar died to warn everyone about Void’s coming. Now she, Sabrina Spellman has to die to save everyone.

And in the end, there shouldn’t be any Sabrina. The incorrect baby couldn’t exist. The mix of two unmixed elements should’s be stopped.

Did Sabrina know that she will think about her death in the mountains of Madness in the year? Of course not.

Did Sabrina think that her death would be the most correct decision of her sixteen years? Obviously yes.

The character of a real fighter was holding doubts in her soul. She couldn’t be okay with the knowledge that she should die. She wanted to speak with someone, talk about all things she kept on her own for a long but there wasn’t any person to do it with. She didn’t have any powers to go back home. Although this variant was the last on her list. To talk with Blackwood? Definitely not because it was Blackwood. She was playing like she didn’t see how much he wanted to have all of Eldritch terrors and make the coming off the Void sooner. She was playing like she didn’t notice how much he wanted her death.

Sabrina didn’t hear a coming of the human near her because it seemed like this person just flew. When the person sat next to her, she raised her head and became amazed.

“Mom?” Her voice wasn’t like her normal one. Her sonorous voice became hoarse but there were some surprised sounds and the sound of hope.

“Hey, honey”

Diana Spellman’s tone was usually soft, she had a little smile on her face, and her eyes were full of love and tenderness. Her fair hair was like shining because of the dawn sun. Diana was beautiful in her white wedding dress.

“I’m insane, am I not?” Sabrina sadly laughed and lowered her eyes like she was scared of her mum to see her like this.

“Definitely not.” The woman tenderly lay her hand on the daughter’s shoulder. “I came because you need me. I heard how your soul asked for me. You feel terrible, don’t you?

Feel the warmth of mum’s hand was good and new. She felt touches by aunties, Ambrose, Nick, Roz, Harvey, Theo... There were so many people she could feel touches by but Sabrina didn’t remember how feels touches by mum.

“I do” She whispered. Her brown eyes became just like a glass, they were full of her tears. “Mom, I don’t want to die”.

To admit it was embarrassing and unfair. Spellman knew she couldn’t even think about this and feel this way after all deaths because of her. She just couldn’t help it. She raised her eyes to see Diana’s but Sabrina didn’t notice any judgment.

“I’m just seventeen! I haven’t done many things! I want to graduate, go to a prom with Nick! I want to have fun with my friends remembering our years at school! I want to see my friends’ marriages. Hecate, I want to get married! I want my children!”

“I know, sunshine. You’re so young but also you’re so brave. I was watching you for sixteen years. I saw all of your raises and fails. I saw how you fought for everything and everyone you love. Sabrina, I’m so proud of you. When you were born I couldn’t imagine how great you will.”

“But I’m not-“

“Yes, you are. Listen to me, okay?” Sabrina nodded. “I know people always said that your double nature is your disadvantage. But I think this is your biggest feature. You show everyone how is it - to be loved and how to love by your dual nature. Zelda and Hilda have loved you since your birth. I remember how they both caressed you, holding one in time. They admired you. I couldn’t wish for the better aunties for you. I was nervous when I and Edward were going to Rome. But I knew that you will be loved, you will be with responsible and careful people if something would’ve happened with me and Edward.”

Sabrina was listening to her mother so willingly, and she couldn’t hold her tears. She remembered her aunties who loved her that much, who could replace both parents.

“I’m so grateful.” Sabrina started talking when Diana stopped. “They do love me. Sometimes I didn’t appreciate the things they did but- “ Her voice broke when the memories became very bright. “I love them either. I can’t imagine my life without aunt Ze and aunt Hilda.”

The silence appeared between the two of them but it wasn’t awkward. It was nice to have the possibility to talk with her mother when she couldn’t do it for ages.

“And Ambrose! I liked this boy since the beginning!” Diana quietly laughed. Sabrina thought that her laugh was so cute. “He teleported from England as he knew about your birth. He was so funny in his bathrobe and with an exciting expression. Actually, I didn’t doubt about he would be a good cousin.”

“I guess, cousins it’s definitely not me and Ambrose. He’s like my older brother. He always helps me when I’m in the trouble. It doesn’t matter what and when I ask him to.” Sabrina fell silent for a bit until she remembered something. She warmly smiled, sadly laughed, and started to talk again. “It was in my childhood. I fell from the tree and I was loudly crying. He found me in the backyard, took to the living room, and went away for a first-kit. He didn’t have any idea what he was doing but he was doing that so softly and tenderly. He was worrying so much. When I calmed down, Ambrose kissed me on the forehead, made us a delicious hot chocolate, and let me watch ‘Sounds of the music’. I remember how I began singing and dancing when the song ‘Sixteen going on seventeen’ started to play. It was awesome!”

Watching how lovingly Sabrina was talking about her cousin, Diana once more made sure how great her daughter’s family was. Diana suddenly corrected herself that Sabrina’s family weren’t the only people who cared about her.

“You chose amazing friends” Sabrina smiled softly, and her eyes watered. “Not so many people will be ready to go to the gates of Hell having only shotgun, album, and pencils. Your friends, I guess, the bravest mortal I’ve ever met.”

“What about you? You’re so brave too”. Sabrina gently squeezed mom’s hand. “I guess no one would be ready to get marry to a warlock and born a half-infernal child.”

The woman smirked and
shook her head: “You’re right. But I knew what am I agreeing to. I knew who I fell in love with. And believe me, I’ve never regret about it. I’ve never thought I would be able to love someone that much as I loved Edward. It was the most overwhelming but important feeling in my chest.”

“I think I understand you.” Sabrina closed her eyes for a second. “I’m sure you know about Nick, don’t you?” Diana agreed. “It seems like I love him the way you loved Edward. I feel the most loved, wanted girl in the world when I’m with Nick.”

Sabrina remembers his smile, dark eyes, the taste of his lips, and the warm and tender feeling of his lips right on hers.

“You two have a huge story but it all was worth it. I as your mother couldn’t imagine a better boyfriend for you. The way he looks at you, how he cares about you even you aren’t together, what could he do for you before and what he can do now... Well, I really like your duo.” Diana noticed that Sabrina started to crying again. Her shoulders shook.

“I hate myself for letting him go to Hell. He said that he did it not for the World, he did it just for me. I will never be able to forgive myself. I don’t know even a half of all things he had to go through. But he changed. He really did, and I noticed even he was trying to hide it. I tried, I’m trying so hard to give him all the love I’m able to recover at least a piece of it. But I know that I’m not enough. I’m so sorry- “ Her voice broke once again. The woman squeezed her daughter’s hand harder.

“My dear, believe me, that he sees it all. He sees how hard you’re trying and blaming yourself. He’s hurting too because you can’t forgive yourself. Even if Nick is telling you that it’s not your fault.” Diana suddenly remembered something. “Do you wanna me to tell you something?”

“If it’s not so intimate...” Sabrina has doubted it respecting his borders.

“I don’t think so. Something about you“ Sabrina raised her eyes full of tears and nodded. “When he was fixing and Acheron, Nicholas know that it might not have worked. He read about how to trap Lucifer in another way if it goes wrong. I will remember his words as long as I can: ‘Oh Satan, please, believe me, Spellman. Let me the one who ruined everything but loved you that much to sacrifice everything and myself to save you.’”

Diana was saying Nick’s words but Sabrina felt like she was hearing his voice. Tears began to fell harder. The words that Scratch said sometime before worked hard for both Spellmans.

“I love him so much. And I’m ready to sacrifice everything and myself back.”

They fell silent thinking about the things they just remember.

“Do you know what hurts, mom?” Diana tenderly looked at their daughter. “I let them down. Everybody. Everything that’s happening now is my mistake. I wanted to fix everything that much so I just made it all worse. I cause a lot of that happened-“ She stifled a sob. “Harvey lost his brother. Nick went to Hell to save me from
the things I didn’t want. I claimed the throne I have never truly wanted. I put all things that mattered to the second place, I let them all die. I’m a terrible person. I don’t deserve a happy ending.”

Pain filled her. Sabrina began panicking when the unwanted memory of aunties’ graves, skeletons of her friends, and Nick in the stone came to her mind. She opened her mouth to have more air, and tears were falling on her face. She felt more guilty than any time before.

“You’re not a terrible person, honey. Not at all. I saw you fighting, and fixing everything. You fixed it later, remember? They all are alive. You saved everyone.”

Diana raised her daughter’s chin to look at her eyes. Sabrina Spellman was in pain.

“I don’t want to die” She whispered. “But I have to save everyone. I have to do it to make their lives calm without Hell’s or Blackwood’s threats. To give them the possibility to wake up in the morning and don’t go for a fight. Everyone who I love sacrificed something for me.” She shook. “And now it’s my turn.”

“You’re so brave, my girl.” Diana began crying for the first time repeating her words. “I knew you would be like this. I knew you would be ready to do anything to save your family, friends, your love.”

“One my act of bravery left.”

Her own words were painful. The doubts left her mind. She started crying hard and loud closing her eyes with her hands. The realization finally appeared. She should’ve died. But smaller Spellman thought that maybe it won’t be that terrifying if she does it for people she cares about.

“Will you with me when I...?,” she said quietly clearing her face of tears.

No one answered. She raised her head and realized that mom disappeared. Just like there have never been Diana Spellman.

“Thank you, mom,” Spellman whispered and let one more tear fall. “You helped me so much.”

***
Laying on the ritual table, saying goodbye to everyone, when tears were burning her eyes Sabrina thought she saw a white wedding dress behind aunt Zelda. Mom’s words came to her mind, “Sabrina, I’m so proud of you.”