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Birds Aren’t Real

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“You know they’re not real right?” Bucky started casually. 

“What?” Sam asked, not looking away from the mechanical wings that Tony was working on. The wings that- after three or four cups of coffee- Tony had insisted needed an upgrade. As much as Sam liked the engineer, he was a little worried about leaving the man alone with his wings while Tony was obviously on a caffeine high. 

He had heard the stories. 


Bucky struggled to keep his expression straight as Sam slowly turned to look at him. 

“What,” Sam demanded flatly. 

Bucky raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“The CIA executed a mass extermination of birds in the 60’s,”

From behind Sam, Tony’s eyes slowly met Bucky’s. The engineer was grinning ear to ear, absolutely delighted in the bullshit coming out of Bucky’s mouth. 

“Bullshit,” Sam said. 

“Why do you think I had to assassinate the president?”

The way Tony choked on his laughter was overshadowed by Clint falling from the vent and landing on the lab floor with a grunt.

“What the fuck ,” Clint demanded as he stood. 

“Birds are real !”

“Well they used to be, like you were before the artificial skin graft, and now- just like birds- you’re a tool of the government here to spy on us,”

Tony managed to hide his laughter by taking a gulp of his coffee- his fourth cup of the day. 

“That’s not now that works!” Clint howled after he had finished spluttering. 

“You would know,” Bucky deadpanned. 

“That would explain the anomalies JARVIS has been getting,” Tony said, his hands shaking a bit. 

He definitely had had a bit too much coffee, his mind currently overrun with stupid schematics of bird like drones. He could totally pull it off if it wasn’t such a frightening concept. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t have some fun at Sam and Clint’s expense. 

“And that explains why the CIA contacted me all those years ago, wanting to know if I could build them lightweight surveillance gear,” he added.

“Much more inconspicuous than those damn helicarriers SHIELD made,” Bucky said. 

Tony hummed and nodded in agreement. 

“I’m sorry. Stark, you actually buy into this bullshit?” Sam demanded. 

Tony arched an eyebrow. 

“Dude we fought aliens a few years ago but bird drones are too hard to believe?” Tony shot back. 

“Sam,” Bucky said, the tiniest smile on his face. 

“Really just, think about it. Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?”

Clint sat down heavily on the floor as Sam dropped his head to his hands. 

“Pigeons are drones?” Clint asked, his eyes wide. 

“For fucks-“ Sam grumbled. 

“They’re city surveillance drones. The CIA has all diff’rent kinds,”

Tony nodded in agreement.

“Tony, man,” Sam tried again. 

“How else are you going to explain geese, bird-drone boy? There’s no way those evil fuckers are real,” Tony responded. 

“Plus if birds are real, why did the military know how to make bird wings?”

Bucky gestured to Tony like the genius had made his point. Sam dropped his head to his hands- again- and groaned.