Kang Ta called Hee Jun the night after the baby shower. It was 2AM. He called to say Chae Yeon had gone into labor so Hee Jun rushed to the hospital. Come 2PM they were still just sitting around waiting for the birth while Chae Yeon complained of labor pains.
“This is the most boring birth ever.” Kang Ta muttered, watching TV.
“And what other births have you attended?” Binu snapped, holding Chae Yeon’s hand.
“My own.” Kang Ta retorted. “And I bet it was a whole hell of a lot more interesting then this. Forget it, come on Hee Jun, let’s get lunch.”
Hee Jun followed Kang Ta out and to the cafeteria. They sat at a crowded table even though their were empty ones available. Hee Jun wasn’t sure why until Kang Ta opened his mouth.
“Why are you here?” He asked a middle aged women.
“My father is in the ICU.”
“Sucks for you.” Kang Ta mumbled. “We’re having a gayby...A gay baby.” He explained when she stared at him blankly.
“Your baby is gay?” She asked.
“Sorry to bother you ma’am. Sorry about your father too.” Hee Jun apologized then shot Kang Ta an admonishing look.
“At least I’m proud.” Kang Ta said. “You need to put a little more effort into being happy.”
“I’m trying.” Hee Jun sighed. “It’s still all too soon.”
“You should feel lucky. You weren’t here to deal with all that pregnancy bull shit. The lesbians just complained none stop. ‘I’m hungry, I’m vomiting, I’m peeing, Don’t touch my strap on’s’, geez.”
“You have to promise me this is the last kid you have without talking to me about it first.”
Kang Ta stared blankly at him for a moment. “You mean, like, from now on?”
“Yes...Why? Do you have more kids I don’t know about?” Hee Jun demanded.
“Not that I know of. But I’ve ejaculated into a lot of things in my life, so who knows?”
Hee Jun suddenly found they were alone at the table.
Finally the baby was crowning. Hee Jun and Kang Ta had come back just in time to find out that sometimes pushing a baby caused other things to force their way out as well.
“You shit the bed!” Kang Ta gaged.
“Child birth isn’t as glamorous as it seems on TV.” The doctor admitted from between Chae Yeon’s legs.
The first sight of the baby made Kang Ta forget all about the defecation.
“Oh gross, it’s coming out.” Kang Ta gaged, again. “Your whole vagina is like this hairy alien tumor thing.”
“Kang Ta, I swear I’ll kick your fucking ass as soon as this is over if you don’t shut the hell up!” Chae Yeon yelled.
“You used to be nice.” Kang Ta said before Hee Jun covered his mouth.
“Keep pushing.” The doctor urged her, grabbing hold of the baby’s head and pulling.
Before long the baby flopped out in one slick and fluid motion.
This time Hee Jun gaged.
“It’s a boy.” The doctor announced over the baby’s screams, “Who wants to cut the cord?”
Binu stepped forward to take the opportunity, and neither of the men were arguing.
“It’s so gross.” Hee Jun said softly as the nurse rubbed the baby with a towel.
“I’m going to name him Hee Jun,” Kang Ta said, “Because he reminds me of you.”
“What reminds you of Hee Jun?” Binu asked. “That he’s fat or the fact that you’ve only seen him naked?”
“I meant because he’s screaming, but those are good too.”
When it was time to take the baby home with them, Hee Jun had to stop Kang Ta in the hall.
“What are you doing? That isn’t Hee Jun jr.”
“It isn’t?” Kang Ta asked, looking down at the baby in his arms.
“No, in fact I don’t even think it’s asian. It’s just squinting.”
“Let’s keep it anyway. We’ll look exotic with a foreign baby. We’ll say we got it while we were on vacation.”
Just then, Chae Yeon came around the corner with their child. Kang Ta quickly tossed his stolen baby to a passing nurse.