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F*ck, Marry, Kill

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It’s almost a month after they have moved into the cottage that David and Patrick host their first small games night.

Alexis is visiting for a weekend for New York, having found the transition harder than she had expected and needing a few days in a family place, while Stevie has a rare weekend free from visiting various motels. So, David and Patrick invite the two of them for an evening of drinking and relaxation in their new home.

It’s not an official games night, because there aren’t six people, so board games are banned, but Patrick manages to negotiate them up to some silly high school games with a few well placed gropes and a full pout.

So, after pizza, drinks, and catching up, they end up sat around on the plush fabric couches in their living area.

“I know a game we should play,” Stevie says after swallowing a large gulp of wine. “Fuck, marry, kill.”

“No--” David tries to argue but the overwhelming majority is the opposite and he caves easily when Patrick looks at him with his wide brown owl eyes. “Fine, oh my God, but don’t blame me when this all goes downhill.”

Patrick leans over to press a firm kiss on David’s cheek; he’s kind of tipsy from all the wine and a tipsy Patrick is an affectionate Patrick, and David leans into it with a pleased hum.

“Yay, David, yay!”

“Okay, okay, let me,” Stevie moves to sit cross legged on the floor so that they are sat almost in a circle. “Okay, Alexis--” She looks upwards for a while in deep thought before wiggling again happily as she comes up with some names. “Bob, Gwen, and--”

“Roland,” David interrupts with a smirk as he shuffles up on the couch till he's curled up under his husband’s already awaiting embrace.

“Ew, David, fine,” Alexis huffs. “Umm,” he fiddles with a strand of hair and looks off into the distance for a while. “Okay, so, I would marry Bob, because he seems like a total pushover and he could fix my car for free--”

“--You don’t have a car.”

“Okay, David, but I do in the hypothetical. Um, and I would have sex with Gwen, because the concept of having sex with Roland is truly horrifying and I can’t even put that energy out into the universe, you know.”

Stevie hums in agreement while Patrick shrugs and tilts his head to the side with a curious look. David slaps him on the arm but just receives a blank look in response as Patrick takes another long sip of his wine.

David is just considering leaning in and kissing the tinted red lips of his husband when Stevie’s voice interrupts that thought.

“Okay, I wanna do Patrick--”

“Absolutely not, I locked that down long ago,” David says, snapping back into the room and putting a possessive hand on Patrick’s knee with a cheeky grin.

Stevie rolls her eyes and scoffs. “Okay, we were literally there, and it was two months ago, so--”

“Emotionally, though,” David tries to argue. “He’s been emotionally locked down for--”

“Okay, I’m bored of this conversation. Patrick,” Stevie says, turning to him with a suspicious grin. “Ronnie, Ray, and Mr Rose.”

“Oooh,” Patrick says thoughtfully.

“Ew!” David and Alexis both whine, and Alexis throws a screwed-up napkin at him (though it misses by a mile).

“Okay, um--” he thinks for a few seconds longer before nodding decisively. “Okay, I would have sex with Ray, obviously, um, marry Mr Rose, and kill Ronnie. Though, please nobody tell her I said that," he adds, pointing to them all with a serious look.

David pulls away from where he had been curled up next to his husband and glares. “Gross, Patrick, that’s my Dad!”

“Yeah, Patrick, that’s our dad.”

Stevie nods silently, a solemn look on her face though she is grinning, nonetheless as Patrick tries desperately to explain himself. “No- no, listen- out of all the options I just figured that Mr Rose would be the closest thing to the happy ending I already have.”

David’s whole demeanour softens, and he curls back up, pressing a kiss to Patrick’s bicep as he does so, his expression similar to that of a sun basking cat. "Okay, I'll let you have that."

"Thank you, David."

"I still think it's gross," Alexis says, though she's smiling anyway.

“Okay, Stevie, I’ve got three for you,” Patrick says, even as he pets the back of David’s head absentmindedly. “How about, Jake, Mrs Rose, and, um--”

“Twyla,” David suggests with a knowing grin.

Stevie glares at him but he just shrugs, waiting for her response.

“Oooh,” Alexis coos, wiggling in her seat. “Does somebody have a little crushy crush?”

“No, I--”

“Answer the question, Stevie.”

“Ugh, fine. Um, Fuck Jake, Kill Mrs Rose, and, um--” the next one she mumbles under her breath, turning her head to the side. “Marry Twyla.”

“Oooh!” the other three cheer.

“Does Twyla know about this?”

“I smell romance in the air!”

“Alright, alright,” Stevie brushes them all off though there’s a tiny smile in the corner of her mouth as she does so. “It’s new.”

“I will also be telling my mother that you threatened to kill her,” David adds.

“You would portend to assassinate the illustrious Moira Rose! I have never been so betrayed in my entire existence!” Patrick crows, in a truly terrible attempt at the accent of his mother-in-law.

“To imagine the peril came from within my very own hereditary circle!” Alexis joins in, her wine glass tilting dangerously in her hand but thankfully she catches it before it can pour out due to David’s furrowed eyebrows.

Stevie snorts and settles back against the couch cushions, rolling her eyes.

“Ooh, David!” Alexis exclaims, sitting up suddenly. “I have some for you. How about, Jocelyn, Wendy, and--”

“Clint Brewer.”

Patrick tenses up, glaring at Stevie who looks wholly too pleased with herself.

“That’s easy, I would fuck Mr Brewer, marry Jocelyn, and then kill Wendy, because she’s kind of a disaster and I can’t imagine ever being married to her.”

Patrick fully pulls away then, and David pouts at the loss a little bit. “What- David!”

“What? We said no judgement!”

“That was when you weren’t threatening to have sex with my Dad!” 

“I’m not actually going to do it, and you married my Dad!”

“That was for cute reasons! Why couldn’t you have fucked Jocelyn or Wendy, and married my Dad?”

“Your Dad doesn’t know how to make a Dorito casserole! Jocelyn does!”

“Oh no, trouble in paradise,” Stevie crows as she refills her and Alexis’ wine glasses.

“Don’t be mad, Patrick, your Dad can totally get it,” Alexis says as she reaches out a hand to encourage Stevie to keep pouring.

When David hums in agreement, he earns a furious glare from his husband. “Okay, fine,” he says, realising that he’s playing a losing game. “Look, your Dad, he’s very attractive,” he pauses, thinking for a second. “And actually, so is your Mom. You have some very good genes in your family.”

“The point, David?”

“Nobody will ever compare to you,” David says, catching Patrick’s small smirk at the reminder of their wedding day. “And hey, hopefully you’ll go all silver fox on me one day and I’ll get to fulfil my fantasy--”

“-- Your fantasy?” Patrick tries to ask, but David is already shushing him and pulling him in for a hug even as the girls snort mercilessly into their hands.

"Okay, on with the game," Stevie says when they've all settled down. "Alexis--"


David wakes up the next morning to a start. He’s still on the couch, curled up against Patrick’s side, in the same position he must have fallen asleep in the night before.

“Ugh, what is that?” Stevie whines from the floor.

“David, get your phone,” Alexis echoes her sentiments, pulling one of the scatter cushions over her head with a moan. “It won’t stop vibrating.”

Patrick grunts in agreement and pokes at David, who reaches over from where he is lying half on top of his husband with bleared eyes and picks his phone off the floor. He answers the call without checking the ID, rubbing at his face with exhaustion.


The room is silent as he listens to the person on the phone, but suddenly his face turns up into a grin.

“Well, hello, Mr Brewer, it’s nice to hear from you!” David says chirpily, giggling and shooting up from the couch to dodge Patrick’s sudden attempt to grab at his phone. “No, this is a perfect time, how are you?”