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Black Hole

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Baz told me to pick out an outfit for myself, and he’d buy it for me. I mean, I know I look a bit shit. Life’s been a bit shit - only seems fitting I should look the part.

I know he’s trying to show me he cares about me. Logically, I guess. Doesn’t change the fact that it feels suffocating.

I’ve been taking depression meds for months now, and Baz is ecstatic with how much I’ve improved. I guess I have, in some ways. It’s easier to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t have many days when I need to lay on the couch anymore. Baz thinks I’ve gotten past that completely. I just tell him I’m busy when things get bad and I just need to lay in bed to wallow in self-pity.

It’s shit. It’s so shit that I feel lonely and unloveable. Like I can’t burden him with my problems. I haven’t even told Pen. She has no clue what I do when I lock myself in my room. She’s too busy living her own life. I’m glad she’s living her own life.

I know they care and would want to hear about every little issue in my life. I know I’m loved. I just don’t really know why, I guess. They love the me that I show them, so it’s hard I guess to show them what doesn’t feel like me. And the depression isn’t me. I’m supposed to be the clueless but brave one. I’m supposed to be easy to read because I don’t have much depth.  I mean, why would I think about stuff like this when I had the Humdrum to fight and Baz to stalk.

I used to think I was fine. I used to think that I didn’t think at all. Looking back on it now, though, I think I’ve always been like this. There was just so much going on that I got distracted from it. There wasn’t enough time to be depressed.

There’s plenty of time to be depressed now.

Baz sends me another text saying he’ll go to help me pick out the outfit if I want. I hate when he buys me things. I know he wants to do it, but I can’t help feeling like I’m this black hole that’s sucking everything from him. Penny, too.

When I get like this, I feel like such a waste of space. They don’t see me that way, but it’s hard not to. I stare down at the socks Baz got me for my birthday and the sheets Penny bought me because I was too skint to afford much of anything and feel my sick to my stomach. I feel like the Humdrum, sucking everything from them and giving nothing in return.

I guess it fits.

Doesn’t mean I don’t fucking hate it, though.

I text Baz back and tell him I’ll pick it out myself and surprise him. He seems happy with the answer, and I do too. I have no intention of actually picking something out. I’m going to keep putting it off and eventually he’ll forget he ever offered. I can’t let him waste any more on me.

I’ve already taken more than I deserve.

I close my eyes tightly and curl up under the duvet. I’ve pushed my phone away from me so I won’t see any more notifications. I feel sicker every time my phone buzzes. Eventually, I just put it in airplane mode and hope no one worries enough to check on me.

If they ask, I’ll say I was taking a nap.

They’d all be happier without me, anyway.

Maybe if I close my eyes for long enough, I’ll disappear.

I really hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow. I want to disappear. I need Baz and Penny to move on with their lives like I was never even here.

Imagining a world where I never existed is how I get through periods like this. Thinking about Baz and Penny just going through life, not thinking about me at all.

Maybe when I can get myself out of bed I’ll fly away from here. I’ll fly straight into the sun and come crashing down to earth where no one will ever find my body.

I know I’ll never do it, though. Baz and Penny do worry about me, no matter how much I wish they didn’t. I couldn’t bear making them hurt, even if it was for the better.

I hear Penny unlocking the door to the flat and calling for me. I pretend to sleep (I’ve gotten better at doing that).

She knocks on my door before pushing it open.

I hear her amused huff.

She says something about how I’m ruining my sleep schedule.

I feel her push back my curls and kiss my temple.

She tells me to have sweet dreams.

I feel the tears finally start to flow when she closes the door.