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tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board “A note on cuisine”


TT: Good afternoon, everyone.

TT: I think it is about time we address the food question.

TT: Specifically, what it is we are supposed to eat.

GC: TH3 4NSW3R 1S 3V3RYTH1NG, 1F YOUR3 BR4V3 3NOUGH! >:]

TG: look i get yalls culture was fucked nine ways to hell but some of us got human stomachs and cant subsist of off chalk and bugs alone

GA: I Do Want It To Be Noted That Many Of Us Do Not Eat Chalk And Bugs

GA: I Enjoy Eating Actual Foods

GA: But If There Is Any Shortage I Should Be Able To Survive

GA: Given

TT: Ah, I was wondering about that.

TG: oh shit i was not wondering about that but now i sure as hell am

TG: thats a food question

TG: kanaya are we food

GA: Do Not Flatter Your Blood

AG: Yeah I’m preeeeeeeetty sure our 8loodsucker here is mostly living off the corpses of our dead friends!

GA: Well

GA: Not In Those Words

TT: Hmm.

TG: huh

TG: gross

TG: thats on me for asking i guess

CG: WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK ARE YOU ALL TALKING ABOUT?

TG: oh hey karkat

TT: We have gotten off track.

TT: Dave and I have found your stockpilings of troll food, but we are still unsure if our bodies are fit to eat any of it, especially in large quantities.

TT: The alchemiter has been unreliable, so far, in making anything more substantial that prepackaged snacks and instant noodles.

AG: That is a completely survivable meal plan!

TG: i mean

TG: i dont disagree

TT: We are not going on the Betty Crocker diet, especially considering the universal ramifications.

TT: Point being, it has been nearly two weeks since there has been anything regarding an actual meal for either of us.

CG: SORRY IF THIS IS A HARSH OPINION, BUT THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOUR PROBLEM!

AG: Yeeeeeeeeah I do have to side with Karkat here!

AG: Get 8etter stomachs!!!!!!!!

GA: I Feel Like Given The Cultural Overlap On Several Snacks And Brand Sodas Our Respective Nutritional Needs Might Not Differ Too Greatly

GA: I Cant See Why Eating Our Food Would Pose An Issue

TG: look ill play a world ending video game and live for three years on a meteor but i draw the line at eating insect pasta im just not doing it

GC: NOR W1LL 1!

TG: wont you now

GC: 1NS3CTS 4R3 MUCH T4ST13R UNPROC3SS3D >;]

TG: got it

TT: Regardless of respective nutritional capabilities, I must ask: has anyone, trolls included, actually attempted to prepare any food in the two weeks we’ve been here?

TT: Beside instant dinners.

GC: WHY WOULD W3? 3V3RYTH1NG 1S 3D1BL3, 1T DO3SNT N33D TO B3 HOT

GC: TH4T 4CTU4LLY RU1NS 1T, SOM3T1M3S >:/

AG: Yeah, no, I have far 8etter things to do with my time than slave over a stove for a 8unch of fussy humans!

AG: 8esides all the 8est food comes prepackaged, duh!

GA: That Is

GA: Just Untrue

GA: Also I Do Know How To Cook

TG: okay thank god i was worried not a single one of was capable of making a simple dinner

GA: Hypothetically

TG: dammit

GA: In Practice It Is Perhaps Not My Best Skill

GA: I Am More Fit For The Less Edible Arts

GC: D1DNT YOU S3T YOUR H1V3 ON F1R3 ONC3?

TT: Oh?

TG: hahaha what

GA: That Is An Exaggeration

GA: There Was A Brief Flame As A Result Of An Attempt I Made To Cook On One Occasion

GA: Besides I Just Dont Really Enjoy Doing It

GA: In All Honesty

GA: Trolls — Especially Those Higher On The Blood Caste Who Had Sharper Teeth — Were Very Willing To Eat Raw Meat

GA: Comfort Was Not A Priority In Anything Food Included

GA: Some Lowbloods Did Cook Was My Understanding But Even Then It Was Rare

TT: Hmm.

TG: ...

TG: so i feel like this is the text equivalent of everyone turning to look at karkat

CG: WOW! OKAY! JUST BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER LOWBLOODS WERE MURDERED OR FUCKED OFF TO THE GREEN SUN YOU EXPECT ME TO COOK FOR ALL OF YOU?

TG: what

TG: oh

TG: dude real honest i dont get yalls blood thing, didnt even know you were low on it, definitely wasnt why i was giving you the text stare

GC: 1TS WHY 1 W4S!

TG: it was just your turn to divulge your cooking takes

TG: plus you hadnt talked in a bit it was fucking eerie

GC: K4RK4T DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK??

CG: NOT FUCKING REALLY, NO!

CG: BUT UNLIKE ALL OF YOU, I DIDN’T ENJOY EATING RAW MEAT, OR BUGS, OR NOTHING BUT TROLL CHEETOS SO SURE! I KNOW SOME FUCKING BASICS!

CG: I DID NOT MENTION THIS BECAUSE I COULDN’T HAVE GUESSED THAT KNOWING HOW TO WORK A HEATPLANE AND USE SOME OF THE MOST ELEMENTARY OF SPICES WOULD BE THE HEIGHT OF COOKING SKILL ON THIS METEOR, BUT SINCE APPARENTLY THE MAJORITY OF YOU DIDN’T HAVE IT IN YOURSELF TO EVEN OPEN A FUCKING COOKBOOK EVER IN YOUR PATHETIC LIVES, I SUPPOSE IT IS SUDDENLY!

TG: see dude this is what im talking about

TG: whats a gc without long walls of grey text

CG: FUCK YOU!

CG: THIS IS PRECISELY THE REASON WHY I WILL NOT BE SHARING ANY INFORMATION WITH ANY OF YOU INGRATES!

TT: That is a shame.

TT: Dave and I, at least, are willing to learn to cook for ourselves.

TG: well

TT: Don’t interrupt.

TG: k

TT: I thought it would be a productive on-meteor tradition, to have alternating nights of cooking, for when those among us currently living off of non-substantial food inevitably end up getting fed up with such a diet.

GC: “F3D UP” H4!

TT: Thank you, I will be here all week.

TT: And by all week I do mean the next three years.

TT: The alternative to this rotational meal structure, of course, is these underfed people deciding to just take that which is prepared by those who do know how to cook.

TT: It is a shame that that burden will fall on one such person.

GC: (OOH! THR34TS!)

GA: (And Quite Classy Ones At That)

CG: HEY ASSHOLES YOU CAN’T WHISPER IN A FUCKING CHAT!

CG: EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU!

CG: AND I’M NOT GOING TO BE INTIMIDATED INTO BEING YOUR FUCKING CULINARY TEACHER. I’LL JUST COOK WHEN NONE OF YOU ARE AROUND, AND YOU CAN STEW IN YOUR MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF REGRET WISHING YOU’D EVER LEARNED A SINGLE PRODUCTIVE SKILL IN YOUR FIRST SIX SWEEPS ALIVE.

GC: NOP3!

GC: 1F YOU ST4RT COOK1NG 1LL SM3LL 1T

GC: WH3R3V3R 4ND WH3N3V3R >;]

TG: youll keep us all in the loop right tz

GC: OF COURS3!

CG: FUCK ALL OF YOU, I HOPE YOU STARVE TO DEATH!

CG banned himself from responding to the memo.

 


==>


 


carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board “USELESS HUMANS LEARN ONE FUCKING SKILL IN THEIR PATHETIC LIVES”


TG: concise title dude

CG: FUCK OFF.

CG: WERE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT BEING WILLING TO LEARN?

TG: man i didnt consent to anything about that thats all rose

TG: but if it means all that much to you ill try to pencil you in somewhere on overwhelmingly full calendar

TT: What Dave means to say is yes.

TT: I’m still unsure how well troll food will sit with us, but perhaps we could try some simple things, grains and such, until we can alchemize more human cuisine.

TT: Then, if you would be so amenable, you could teach us basics that might extend to our own methods of preparation?

CG: YOU BOTH FUCKING OWE ME, AND I HOPE YOU’LL REMEMBER THAT.

TG: nah

TT: We will see.

CG: IS THE WEIGHT OF A SINGLE OUNCE GRATITUDE JUST FAR TOO HEAVY FOR YOUR WEAK HUMAN LIFTNOODLES TO BEAR?

TT: This afternoon, then?

TT: Around four, should work.

TG: gotta clarify that one rose

TG: meteors got two unsynchronized clocks havent you heard

CG: WHAT?

TT: I presumed we would follow that of the one by the kitchen, for simplicity’s sake?

CG: JUST FOLLOW THE CLOCK WITH THE CORRECT TIME?

TT: What does ‘correct time’ even mean? We have been flung from any sort of society, there is no more clear ‘night’ and ‘day’, how can we say what time it may be in correspondence with either of our now-dead planets?

TG: yeah dude time is my mo and i can verify: its all bullshit

TG: besides yall were on some time travel shit with talking to us so who can even say how fucked time got with that

CG: OKAY, JUST CHOOSE ONE OF THE CLOCKS TO STICK TO! WHY WOULD YOU EVER TRY TO SWITCH BACK AND FORTH? THIS ISN’T DIFFICULT!

TT: Did Alternia not have time zones? It worked wonderfully for earth.

TT: Extending such a concept to our current situation is clearly the most sensible way to deal with the existence of two contrasting clocks on-meteor.

TG: yeah man plus one of thems got what you so brazenly called the ‘right time’, if we choose one and choose wrong...

TT: The ramifications of such a decision could be unfathomable

TG: cant risk it

TT: Absolutely fucking not.

CG: IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO TALK TO YOU TWO!

CG: FINE! THE FUCKING KITCHEN SEVEN! WHY NOT!

TG: pretty presumptuous dude i still gotta check my calendar

TG: wait rose which version are we using we sticking with gregorian

TT: I thought Julian might be a nice change of pace?

TG: oh yeah no good plan

TG: karkat youre gonna need to give me a minute to make these conversions

CG: UEHRNGH

CG closed memo.



==>


 
ROSE: Privyet, Karkat.

KARKAT: WHAT.

ROSE: It’s Russian.

ROSE: Nevermind.

DAVE: sup



Strider gives you a one hand wave without looking up from his phone. Lalonde is standing spine-straight and wide-eyed, worryingly attentive. Despite that, there is some uncanny resemblance to the two of them, that looks a lot like ‘definitely going to fuck with you’.

You already regret this.



DAVE: so man ready to school us in troll cuisine

DAVE: get us all ready to be your sous chefs or whatever the fuck

KARKAT: I WOULD NEVER RUIN A PASSABLE FUCKING MEAL WITH YOUR INTERFERANCE.

DAVE: im... pretty sure thats the whole reason were here, man

ROSE: So

ROSE: I was thinking we could start with a nice mushroom risotto.

KARKAT: A FUCKING WHAT.

DAVE: cant help you on that one

DAVE: maybe shes speaking russian again

ROSE: Not quite.

ROSE: No, this is a... European dish I believe? Possibly Italian?

DAVE: im down to get multicultural, whats the vibe

ROSE: It’s made of, ah

ROSE: Hmm.

KARKAT: SURPRISE AS THIS MIGHT BE, I CAN’T TEACH YOU HOW TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN DESCRIBE!

ROSE: No, give me a moment.

ROSE: Rice? I believe.

DAVE: its called ‘risotto’, must got rice

ROSE: Yes, of course.

ROSE: You probably cook it with milk, to get the texture. And the mushrooms just go in it.

KARKAT: HMM.

KARKAT: OKAY I KNOW WHAT MILK IS. WE HAVE SOME OF THAT, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF DAIRY IS WHAT YOU WANT TO TRY AS YOUR FIRST TROLL FOOD.

DAVE: yeah dairy is a bit risky

DAVE: but i actually know rice

DAVE: its a kind of grain, comes both white and brown, bunch of little thin grains that are all dry before you cook them, kinda look like uhhhh

DAVE: rose help me out

ROSE: Rice literally only looks like rice.

KARKAT: WOW!

KARKAT: DESPITE HOW UNFATHOMABLY UNHELPFUL THAT WAS, I THINK I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE COMPARABLE. ONE SECOND.

KARKAT: IS THIS LIKE ‘RICE’?

DAVE: well shit

DAVE: thats rice if i ever saw it

DAVE: i mean not that i ever seen rice being pink but

ROSE: This should hopefully work.

ROSE: Mushrooms are—

KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT MUSHROOMS ARE. I DIDN'T COMPLETELY FAIL AT LEARNING YOUR SYNTACTICALLY NONSENSICAL LANGUAGE.

KARKAT: BUT WE ALSO DIDN’T STORE ANY!

KARKAT: IF YOU WANT SOME, TALK TO KANAYA. SHE’S DOING A WHOLE GARDEN THING, IT SEEMS.

DAVE: someones gotta right

DAVE: else were gonna run clean outta oxygen

ROSE: Dying the unjust, unheroic death of suffocation, reviving, and repeating that cycle sounds rather unpleasant, does it not?

KARKAT: YEAH, ESPECIALLY GIVEN SOME OF US WON’T FUCKING REVIVE!

DAVE: yeah we already got plenty of corpses clogging up this place dont wanna be tripping over anymore

KARKAT: FUCK YOU!

KARKAT: ANYWAY, I THINK I’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT MEAL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.

KARKAT: BUT YOU DON’T FUCKING COOK IT IN MILK.

KARKAT: THAT WOULD SCALD SO GODDAMN QUICKLY!

DAVE: yeah cmon rose the way you get milk hot is the microwave everyone knows that

KARKAT: NO!

ROSE: Ah, the microwave. I’ve heard tales of this whimsical instrument.

DAVE: dang yall didnt have a microwave

DAVE: howd you heat up water for like pasta and tea

ROSE: Mom hired mail-in personal caterers for most of our food needs, as she wasn’t very interested in cooking. We had a tea set for tea.

KARKAT: HI, I’M SORRY, CAN WE BACKTRACK TO DAVE SAYING HE COOKED PASTA IN THE FUCKING MICROWAVE??

DAVE: yeah what about

KARKAT: HUMAN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

KARKAT: OKAY, YOU ARE BOTH, SOMEHOW, FAR FUCKING WORSE OFF THAN I EXPECTED, AND MY EXPECTATIONS PUT YOU BELOW THE PERSON WHO SET HER HIVE ON FIRE!

KARKAT: ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, WE WON’T HAVE TO TEST HOW WELL TROLL DAIRY WILL SIT WITH YOU, BECAUSE THE WAY YOU COOK — WHAT I’M ASSUMING IS EQUIVALENT TO HUMAN 'RISOTTO’ —

ROSE: I am not... a big fan of ‘human’ as the qualifier there.

KARKAT: OH, SORRY, I THINK YOU MISSED THE PART WHERE I DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT!

KARKAT: YOU WERE THINKING OF BROTH. WHICH I HAVE SOME OF, MADE FROM VEGETABLES, IN CASE YOU DON’T WANT TO RISK INGESTING MEAT FROM ALTERNIAN FAUNA

DAVE: dude thank you for not saying ‘troll meat’ which you very easily could have

ROSE: Agreed.

ROSE: And I also must agree on the choice of broth. I don’t want to contract any sort of, I don’t know, troll tapeworm?

KARKAT: IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE WORMS IN YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM, THAT’S YOUR OWN FUCKING PROBLEM!

KARKAT: CAN WE START, OR ARE YOU TWO GOING TO TRADE THE WORST POSSIBLE COOKING TIPS FOR A BIT LONGER?

ROSE: I could go on, certainly, but, if Dave is amenable, but we could move onto the cooking portion?

DAVE: if we must

DAVE: i am gonna alchemize a microwave for the kitchen though i got this great thing you can make with bread and kraft singles

KARKAT: GOOD FUCKING LUCK WITH THAT!

KARKAT: CONTINUE YOUR BULLSHIT CONVERSATION IF YOU HAVE TO, BUT AT LEAST CUT SOME TROLL ONIONS WHILE YOU DO.

ROSE: Right on it.

DAVE: roger that chef vantas

 


==>


 


KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, DO *NOT* GIVE THE MAYOR ANY SHARP OBJECTS

DAVE: huh?


You’re going to have a fucking anuerism.

In your time trying to figure out whether ‘cutting onions make humans cry’ was an elaborate lie done to screw you over (you eventually came to the conclusion that neither of them are good enough actors to cry on cue, nor does it seem like something either of them would do willing, but you’re not completely sold) they somehow outfitted the Mayor with a fucking knife.

The knife is serrated, which isn’t even what you use for onions!


DAVE: you dont gotta coddle him, dude, he aint a kid

ROSE: He is, rather, a Mayor. What elected official can’t be trusted with kitchen utensils?

KARKAT: 1) WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW OLD THE MAYOR IS 2) THAT KNIFE IS HALF HIS SIZE 3) HE IS *NOT* AN ELECTED OFFICIAL, WE NEVER HAD AN ELECTION!

DAVE: nah man you just missed it cause meteor voting age is thirteen and yall are six or whatever

KARKAT: IT’S THE SAME AGE!

ROSE: You’ll understand the maturity difference when you’re older.


Valiantly resisting the urge to scream, you (carefully) take the knife out of the Mayor’s hands, (less carefully) shove it back in the knife block, and (with no fucking care) push the knife block back down far as fuck away from the three of them. The Mayor is the only tolerable person on this meteor (Kanaya excluded, obviously) and you’re not going to let a pair of human dumbasses let him near something that could reasonably hurt him.

Even if he didn’t get hurt, you don’t want to risk the onions having the same weird tearing up effect on him. No one wants to see the Mayor cry.


DAVE: aw man look youve made him sad

DAVE: he really wanted to help

ROSE: You would deny this paragon of civil service his chance at community engagement? I did not take you for cruel, Karkat.

KARKAT: I AM DOING MORE FOR THE MAYOR THAN EITHER OF YOU COULD EVER HOPE TO.

KARKAT: CUT THE FUCKING ONIONS.

 


==>


 


DAVE: nah rose second we get human food and a microwave we gotta make bread pizza

DAVE: shit hits

ROSE: Ah, have you just given a name to ‘microwaved bread covered with a kraft single’ dish you mentioned earlier?

DAVE: dont forget the layer of ketchup

ROSE: Oh, of course.

ROSE: With Karkat’s assistance, we could perhaps make a proper Italian meal of it. ‘Bread pizza’, a tossed salad, sauteed green beans...

DAVE: haha what

ROSE: Which part of that sat poorly with you?

DAVE: fucking green beans, i dont want to eat something thats unripe

ROSE: I... Hmm.

ROSE: Dave, what exactly do you think ‘green beans’ are?

DAVE: beans that are green cause they aint ripe yet

DAVE: although judging by the line of questioning im beginning to doubt that a little

ROSE: So, in your perception, there are no bean vegetables, only premature versions of, what, Kidney beans? Black beans?

DAVE: ...yeah

DAVE: i mean thats the kind of beans that are beans are there beans that are also vegetables

DAVE: how would that even work

ROSE: Hmm. I, honestly, don’t know, etymology-wise.

ROSE: But I can assure you, there are various beans that happen to be green, as well as one central ‘green bean’ vegetable, also called ‘string bean’.

DAVE: please fucking tell me a string bean works like string cheese

DAVE: peeling a bean for a snack

ROSE: Unfortunately not, though I am not opposed to the idea of trying to alchemize some sort of cross-species between the two in hopes of producing such a result.

ROSE: Which will require us to commission dear Kanaya to grow some for us. Others, too. I think it will be good to perhaps expand your repertoire of known vegetables.

ROSE: The range of knowledge produced by human experience is fascinating, isn’t it?

DAVE: it is huh

DAVE: hey rose how do you think a microwave works

DAVE: just curious

ROSE: I presume it is a box with various high-powered heating elements affixed to its inner walls.

DAVE: yeah not quite

DAVE: its a fucking ‘micro’ ‘wave’ it heats stuff with small ass waves of electric power

ROSE: I never claimed to be a scientist, Dave.

KARKAT: HEY HOW ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU AGREE THAT YOU BOTH DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT BASIC THINGS FROM A CULTURE THAT IS FUCKING DEAD NOW, AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIMPLE GODDAMN INSTRUCTIONS A WRIGGLER COULD FOLLOW!

ROSE: Karkat I am quite capable of multitasking.

KARKAT: THEN WHY IS THE RICE BURNING?

ROSE: I prefer the flavor that way.

DAVE: see karkat she knows what shes doing

KARKAT: MOVE THE FUCK OVER, I NEED TO FIX THIS.

KARKAT: DAVE DID YOU MANAGE TO CHOP THE GRUBSTLEFRUITS?

DAVE: hell yeah man look

KARKAT: ...

KARKAT: THIS IS MY OWN FAULT FOR THINKING YOU KNEW WHAT ‘DICED’ MEANT

DAVE: we agree on that

DAVE: but look my capes intact this time


He looks far too proud of this fact. The only reason you even put him on chopping duty was because, five seconds into watching over the ‘risotto’, he turned and immediately set the douchebag cape on fire. You were so tempted to let it burn (you swear to fuck he doesn’t wash it, you’d be doing everyone a service) but you don’t want the smell of smoke ruining the kitchen and he looked, genuinely, kind of freaked out.

These two owe you so fucking much.


KARKAT: YOU WANT A FUCKING TROPHY FOR THAT?

DAVE: hell yeah you offering?

ROSE: I would also like some sort of commendation. Perhaps a medallion.

DAVE: oh shit a medallion would be very cool you think you can melt down that trophy and reshape it?

ROSE: Or we could keep the trophy and use it as a cup, in which we place our various hard-won medallions.

KARKAT: ROSE. PLEASE STIR THE RISOTTO.

KARKAT: PLEASE.

ROSE: I am aiming for at least silver in risotto stirring.

ROSE: And given that Karkat looks like he’s aiming for gold in holding in a scream, I’m going to do that.

 


==>


 


VRISKA: Heeeeeeeey how’s the food coming????????

TEREZI: 1T SM3LLS V3RY GOOD!

TEREZI: 4ND ONLY V4GU3LY L1K3 BURN3D F4BR1C!

DAVE: yeah no kanaya i take back any laughter or judgement not setting things on fire while cooking is fuckin difficult

KANAYA: It Is Hard Manning A Stovetop For The First Time In Ones Life When One Should Have Definitely Learned To Do So Beforehand

KANAYA: It Is Hard And No One Understands

DAVE: hey i will say i have worked a stovetop several times before

DAVE: but that was before i had a cool ass cape to worry about

KARKAT: I DID SAY, SPECIFICALLY, THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE AROUND AN OPEN FLAME WEARING LOOSE FABRIC, BUT GOD FORBID ANYONE LISTENS TO ME IN MY OWN FUCKING KITCHEN!

KANAYA: Your Own Kitchen That Which Belongs Wholly To You?

KANAYA: Regardless What Is It Exactly That Is Being Prepared

ROSE: A troll ingredient-substituted version of mushroom risotto.

TEREZI: >:?

KARKAT: IT’S A KIND OF WARM GRAIN DISH WITH ONION AND GRUBSTLEFRUIT.

VRISKA: Oh shit! This honestly isn’t 8ad!

KARKAT: GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THE POT!

TEREZI: OH! P1NK >:]

KARKAT: THERE ARE SPOONS RIGHT THE FUCK THERE!

KARKAT: HAVE EITHER OF YOU WASHED YOUR HANDS?

VRISKA: Definitely at some point!

KARKAT: IF YOU SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE—

KANAYA: (Does He Mean The Vaguely Rectangular Piece Of Discarded Electrical Equipment?)

ROSE: (We can only assume.)

KARKAT: YES, SEE YOU *CAN* ACTUALLY WHISPER IN PERSON, BUT IT’S STILL FUCKING ANNOYING!

KARKAT: SIT AT THE TABLE, I KNEW YOU FUCKING CORPSEBIRDS WOULD SHOW UP SO THERE IS ENOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU.

DAVE: (that the troll word for vultures?)

TEREZI: (W3LL, N34RLY 3V3RY 4LT3RN14N B1RD 4T3 CORPS3S)

KANAYA: (Actually Troll Vultures Were One Of The Few Birds That Didnt)

DAVE: (oh?)

KANAYA: (Mostly Because They Preferred People To Be Alive As They Ate Them)

DAVE: (huh)

DAVE: ((rose are they fucking with me))

ROSE: ((It is always a viable, even likely, possibility.))

KARKAT: ROSE, DAVE, PUT THE FOOD IN BOWLS. I’LL GET WATER FOR EVERYONE.

VRISKA: I want a soda!!!

KARKAT: YOU’RE LUCKY TO GET ANYTHING!

KANAYA: Ah

KANAYA: I See This Joke

KANAYA: Because Of Her Association With Luck

KANAYA: I Would Like Soda As Well

ROSE: I’m sure there is some around. Preferably not Faygo.

KANAYA: Preferably Not

VRISKA: 8ut sure! None could 8e found for me!

KANAYA: I Think As A Rainbow Drinker My Slaked Thirst Is A Higher Priority

DAVE: rose what the fuck dont leave i need you to hold the pot

ROSE: I am incredibly busy, give me a minute.

DAVE: ugh

DAVE: (okay look your gay-ass vamp courting strategy is not a valid excuse to leave me at the mercy of manual labor and also karkats wrath)

ROSE: (I have no idea what you’re talking about.)

KARKAT: HEY ASSHOLES YOU CAN’T BE PUTTING FOOD IN BOWLS IF YOU’RE HUDDLED BY A FRIDGE!

DAVE: man cant you see were conferencing over here?

DAVE: here you got the waters help me out with this

DAVE: ‘sides we have a second, its mad early for dinner what is it like five pm?

TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT TH1S W4S LUNCH >:?

ROSE: He means five, kitchen standard time. I assume you got your time from the west sector of the meteor?

KARKAT: WE ARE NOT ESTABLISHING TIME ZONES ON THE METEOR!

KANAYA: No I Am On Board With This Decision

ROSE: We can choose our meal times based on the kitchen standard, and any group activities on the west meteor will be decided as such.

TEREZI: YOUR3 M4K1NG FOOD 3V3RY D4Y??

ROSE: That was nowhere in my statement.

TEREZI: 1 S33 YOUR M1ND, ROS3. 4LL OF YOUR FOOD-OR13NT3D HUM4N THOUGHTS.

ROSE: I feel like, being a fellow seer, there would be some sort of interference?

TEREZI: NOP3 >:]

KARKAT: SEER BULLSHIT ASIDE, I FOR ONE AM NOT COOKING FOR EVERYONE EVERY FUCKING DAY. ROSE AND DAVE KNOW HOW TO COOK SOMETHING NOW, IF THEY WANT TO KEEP MAKING IT, THAT’S THEIR PREROGATIVE.

DAVE: man i thought these were gonna be repeat lessons

DAVE: gotta teach how to prepare literally anything but broth rice

VRISKA: Yeah this is pretty good 8ut I need some variety!

KARKAT: THEN COOK FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF!

ROSE: I would like to, once again, pitch my idea of a rotating meal preparation?

ROSE: Karkat could, in his infinite generosity, provide a lesson for the three of you tomorrow? Or split off in some combination.

VRISKA: Nah!

ROSE: Hmm.

VRISKA: Hey!

TEREZI: H4!

ROSE: This food is the result of a group effort, which I hoped you would repay in kind. If not, I’m sure any of us would be happy to enjoy it?

VRISKA: F8ne with me! Who even f8cking likes ‘rice’?

KANAYA: This Dinner Is Lovely

KANAYA: (And Thank You For The Soda Rose)

ROSE: (Of course.)

VRISKA: ...

VRISKA: (Terezi are you going to finish that?)

TEREZI: ( >:[ )

VRISKA: (Kanaya?)

KANAYA: (What Was That Vriska)

VRISKA: So I’ve thought a8out it and I might 8e a8le to find a 8it of time to show the rest of you how to cook!

KARKAT: THAT ISN’T WHAT—

ROSE: Delightful, Vriska.

ROSE: Bon appetit.

KARKAT: WHAT?

DAVE: its french dude

DAVE: you do know that earth had more than one language right

KARKAT: WHY NOT! IT’S FUCKING NONSENSICAL, THAT SUCH A MINISCULE PLANET WOULD HAVE ANY NEED FOR *MULTIPLE FUCKING LANGUAGES*, BUT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I EXPECT FROM YOUR BULLSHIT SOCIETY!

TEREZI: TH31R BULLSH1T SOC13TY M4D3 GOOD COTTON C4NDY R1C3 >:]

DAVE: sorry to disappoint, but it definitely wouldntve been pink if it was earth rice

TEREZI: >:/

DAVE: i mean i guess we couldve used food dye which does objectively make all food better

DAVE: hey did any of you ever put pink food dye in water and pretend it was lemonade

KARKAT: NO?

ROSE: I preferred making ‘potions’ with various dye colors and lime soda.

ROSE: Or champagne, for mom.

VRISKA: Just drink the real versions???????? When I wanted to drink the magic 8 8all juice I just did! I didn’t need to m8ke a f8ke version.

KANAYA: The Eight Ball... Juice

VRISKA: Didn’t taste very good! Terezi liked it though.

TEREZI: Y34H! L1K3 4 BL4CKB3RRY COCKT41L W1TH 4DV1C3 D1C3 FOR 1C3

TEREZI: 1 D1DNT 1NT3ND TH4T M4NY RHYM3S >:/

ROSE: I didn’t take it as your usual brand of comedy, no.

VRISKA: Since no one ever got me any fucking soda, may8e I’ll gra8 some of that instead!

VRISKA: You want some, Terezi?

TEREZI: ...

TEREZI: SUR3

DAVE: (i feel like im missing something here)

KARKAT: (THEY HAVE A WHOLE FUCKING DRAMA, SURELY TEREZI’S TOLD YOU SOME OF IT)

KARKAT: (I TAKE THIS AS A GOOD SIGN BUT HONESTLY I’VE GIVEN UP TRYING TO FOLLOW EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING ON)

DAVE: (im gonna need to get caught up on the gossip at some point)

DAVE: (also dude)

DAVE: (youre really not good at the whisper thing)

KARKAT: (WHATEVER! EAT YOUR FUCKING RISOTTO)

DAVE: (yeah, man)

DAVE: ...

DAVE: oh shit

DAVE: this is really fucking good

 


==>


 


ROSE: I did bring along some earth novels. Not many, but likely enough to give you a baseline on the cultural and romantic traditions.

KARKAT: YEAH?

KARKAT: MOST OF THE BOOKS I BROUGHT ARE IN ALTERNIAN, BUT I COULD WORK OUT SOME TRANSLATIONS, IF YOU WANTED.

ROSE: The complexities of your society’s romance system are fascinating, and I would love to see how balancing that many relationships affects one’s psyche.

ROSE: In short, yes. I would be interested.

KARKAT: I CAN TRY TO FIND A GOOD PLACE TO START, THEN.

KARKAT: SOME ARE SO UNNECESSARILY COMPLICATED THAT *I* CAN BARELY FOLLOW ALL THE FUCKING QUADRANGLES.

ROSE: I would surely have no hope, then.

KARKAT: IT TAKES SOME GETTING USED TO.

KARKAT: ALSO

KARKAT: IF YOU’D BE INTERESTED

KARKAT: I HAVE A FEW BOOKS THAT I KNOW KANAYA LIKES.

ROSE: I...

ROSE: I would appreciate that.

ROSE: Thank you, Karkat.

KARKAT: OF COURSE.

ROSE: Given our joint interest in literature and the cross-cultural curiosities I’m sure we both have, perhaps we could arrange meetings to discuss the work we read?

KARKAT: YEAH!

KARKAT: I MEAN

KARKAT: YEAH, THAT...

KARKAT: THAT SOUNDS FUN.

ROSE: Delightful.

ROSE: Hmm.

ROSE: I thought surely Dave would have cut in with some comment by now.

KARKAT: MAYBE HE’S DECIDING TO MIND HIS OWN FUCKING BUSINESS FOR ONCE?

ROSE: You think too highly.

ROSE: He is asleep.


You turn away from the dishes you’re washing (Rose, next to you, towel in hand) to see Dave slumped over the counter you’d asked him to clean, head pillowed by his arms and glasses just slightly eschew. Silent, for once.

Rose walks over to him, so you take it on yourself to dry the remaining silverware. It isn’t much, anyway.


KARKAT: ISN’T IT SEVEN, IN THE KITCHEN?

KARKAT: EVEN EARLIER, GOING BY THE OTHER FUCKING ‘TIME ZONE’.

ROSE: Hmm.

ROSE: I have been suspecting that he doesn’t get enough sleep.

ROSE: I don’t really want to wake him. And even if either of us were capable of carrying him, I’m not sure he would appreciate that.

ROSE: Perhaps we should just leave him here?

KARKAT: VRISKA AND TEREZI MIGHT DRAW ON HIS FACE, IF THEY FIND HIM.

KARKAT: AND IF THEY’VE WORKED OUT WHATEVER’S GOING ON WITH THEM.

ROSE: Two weeks in is likely far too early to resort to gossiping about a third of our meteor peers for entertainment, so I will not ask.

ROSE: But if it does happen to come up at some point...

ROSE: Regardless, I think the risk may be worth it.

ROSE: It would be a terrible shame for Dave to have his face vandalized, and not in the slightest funny, but I’m sure he will be able to manage it.

KARKAT: THIS SEEMS A REASONABLE AND FAIR COURSE OF ACTION.

ROSE: Glad we are in agreement.

ROSE: This was fun, Karkat. I’m glad you agreed to it.

KARKAT: AS MUCH FUCKING STRESS AS IT CAUSED ME, I AM TOO. YOU AND DAVE FUCKING SUCK AT THIS, BUT STILL.

ROSE: And that is what we learn for.

ROSE: Dave had fun as well, in case his attempts to be unreadable actually succeeded.

KARKAT: NO, I THINK I GOT THAT.

ROSE: Good.

ROSE: Are we pretty much done cleaning everything?

ROSE: Barring the ceiling risotto.

KARKAT: YEAH I DON’T... KNOW HOW TEREZI MANAGED TO GET THAT UP THERE.

KARKAT: BUT IT DEFINITELY ISN’T OUR PROBLEM.

ROSE: Agreed.

ROSE: Well, if we’re leaving Dave here, that’s all, then?

ROSE: Two or three days from now, we will reprise this cooking hour, does that work for you?

KARKAT: SOUNDS GOOD.

ROSE: Thank you, again, Karkat. Sleep well.

KARKAT: GOODNIGHT, ROSE.