Actions

Work Header

Dan Vs MST3K

Work Text:

Sorry if this fanfic seems somewhat half assed or choppy. My family and I just grew a pickle crop that we are going to sell. Kind of in a hurry to get it done. Enjoy it anyway.

 

In his apartment, Dan wakes up as he slept in until 11:00. Dan's phone rings and Chris was on the other line. "Oh hey Chris." Dan answers the phone. "Say, listen. Elise and I are going out to lunch just the two of us. Was wondering if you'd like to watch our apartment for us while we're gone." Chris tells Dan. "Sure okay. I'll be there." Dan says.

Arriving at Chris's and Elise's house, Dan was met with a set of rules. Elise begins, "Rule number one. Clean up after yourself. Rule number two. Don't go through my closet. Rule number three...." "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I'll be sure to control myself, MOM!" Dan sneered at Elise.

"Think we can trust him." Chris said to Elise. "Not quite sure. Oh and Dan, if you screw up in any way, you're history!" Elise warns Dan. "Never you fear. I'll treat your house as if it were my own." Dan promises his friends. "Okay, let's go to lunch. Take care, Dan." Chris says as he and Elise go out to eat. Plopping himself on the couch, Dan was already bored.

"Nobody ever told me housesitting would be so damned boring." Dan said. His boredom soon came to a stop when he sees a DVD. Grabbing the DVD, it had a white label on it that reads, "This Island Earth." "Oh boy! This is my all time favorite movie!" Dan says with joy. "I loved this movie when I was a kid! Even loved it during high school!"

Popping in the DVD, the movie This Island Earth doesn't play. Instead Dan learns the DVD is really the Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. "Heard a lot of positive feedback about this show." Dan observes. "But what does it have to do with This Island Earth?" Dan wondered.

Two hours had gone by and Dan was feeling an anger within him after watching the MST3K movie that mocked This Island Earth.

"How could MST3K do this! HOW! This Island Earth was a _good_ movie. Not a B-Movie! Why did Mike and those robots choose this movie to make fun of? Why not Clash Of The Titans, instead!?" Dan begins to get revved up like he usually does.

Chris and Elise were home. "Wow, Dan! Guess I could trust you. Look at this place." Elise said. "Uhhh, Dan. You okay?" asked Chris. "Yeah, I'm fine." Dan gruffs. "What's with him?" Elise seemed puzzled. "I know. Something he saw must've upset him. That's always Dan's M.O." Chris says. Elise sees the DVD of the MST3K movie This Island Earth was played. "Maybe this could be why." Elise says.

"How could anyone get mad about MST3k? It's such a funny show." Chris said. "Unless you're some type of joke hating social justice warrior." Elise said.

Chris then gets an idea, "Perhaps Dan watched this while we were gone. Then whatever he saw offended him. Oh my...." "What is it, Chris?" asked Elise. "Dan told me once that This Island Earth is his all time favorite movie." Chris then begins to recall.

Elise and Chris both hear Dan roar with anger when he was walking back to his apartment. Elise and Chris stop Dan. "Dan? What has gotten you so upset?" asks Elise.

Dan, doing his usual scream at the sky yelled, "MST3K!"

The title screen appears: DAN VS.....MST3K.

Chris and Elise were back in their apartment. Chris was checking his email. "Oh good! Check this out, Elise!" Chris says. Elise looks at the email, "YES YES YES!" she cheers. "We won tickets to the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Convention in Minneapolis!" Chris jumps and cheers with Elise.

"This is going to be so much fun! Can't wait to go!" Elise said. Chris printed out some plane tickets from his computer. "We're going to meet Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, and Kevin Murphy! I can just feel the thrill of it now!" Elise said hugging Chris.

In Dan's apartment, he was playing with a dartboard that had a picture of Joel, Tom Servo and Crow on it. Dan was throwing darts at the picture. "Damn you MST3K! What gave you the right to make fun of the totally awesome movie, This Island Earth......." Dan mumbles to himself.

"We ought to tell Dan." Chris speaks. "Oh, no! We will tell him but we will not bring him along." Elise points out. Chris finally agrees with Elise, "Yeah, guess you're right. We don't want to take him with us only to destroy the convention just for some stupid movie." Chris said. "There were only two tickets. Just for you and me." Elise says.

Going over to Dan's apartment to tell him the news, "Yes, come in." Dan said. Chris and Elise walk inside. "Remember that trivia contest on the internet I entered?" asks Chris. "Yeah, what about it?" Dan asked impatiently. "I won it, along with the grand prize!" said Chris. "What did you win?" Dan rolls his eyes. "Tickets to an MST3K Convention in Minneapolis! Our plane leaves tomorrow!" Elise informs Dan. "Chris, you wouldn't happen to have some money for another ticket, do you?" Dan says trying to squeeze his way into going.

 

"Oh no you don't, mister." Elise puts her foot down. "What does that supposed to mean?" said Dan. "What she means is you're not coming along with us." Chris says. "But I want to..." Dan says. "Look, we know MST3K upset you because it made fun of your beloved This Island Earth. We don't trust you. So you're staying here no matter what!" Elise making it clear.

"In the meantime, here's a number of a therapist. You might want to see him while we're away." said Chris.

Taking the phone number, Dan shut the door to his apartment as Chris and Elise leave to get ready for their trip. Dan takes a look at the phone number and says, "I'll be going to this therapist all right......" Lightning strikes as Dan gets an evil smirk on his face.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

At LAX, Chris and Elise were waiting for their flight. "This is so exciting! We get to meet the cast of MST3K!" Elise says. Chris and Elise were both big fans of the show. As hyped as Chris was about the MST3K Convention, he still could not stop obsessing about Dan.

"It is awesome! However I keep expecting Dan to show up somehow." Chris said. "Well, let's forget about him for a while." Elise said. "You're right. It's been so long since we had some time alone together." Chris tells Elise. "Exactly. That's the spirit. We are going to let go of Dan, and focus on getting selfies of ourselves with Tom Servo and Crow!" said Elise. "Now you're talking!" Chris says. "With Dan around us it feels like we're the characters from You, Mr, and Dupree!" Elise says.

The announcer says, "Final Boarding Call for Flight 100. Non Stop Service to Minneapolis!" "That's us! Let's go!" Elise ordered Chris.

Back in Dan's apartment, he looks up some info on the therapist that Elise and Chris suggested to him. His name was Dr. Jonesfield.

"Going to get the goods on you, Dr. Jonesfield...." Dan talks to himself. Then Dan discovers something about Dr. Jonesfield that he wanted to use for his own gain. "Hmmmm, an account in the Cayman Islands, hey? Dr. Jonesfield you are the key to getting me to Minneapolis so I can demolish that MST3K Convention!" Dan starts to laugh in an evil way.

Driving to Dr. Jonesfield's office. Then arriving there, Dan sees his secretary at his desk. "May I help you, sir?" she asks. "I'm here to see Dr. Jonesfield!" Dan told her. "He's free right now. You can see him if you want." said the secretary. "Thanks so much, ma'am!" Dan told her as he walks into the office of Dr. Jonesfield.

"Greetings young lad. What can I do for you today?" Dr Jonesfield asks Dan.

"Never mind who I am! I know something about you that nobody else does!" Dan spits at the doctor.

"Whatever could it be?" Dr. Jonesfield asks in confusion. "You have a saving account in the Cayman Islands!" Dan shouts at the doctor. "How in the world did you find out about that! It's supposed to be confidential!" Dr. Jonesfield tries to defend himself.

"Read some reviews on YELP! That's how I found out!" Dan yells. "All right. All right. You win. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." Dr. Jonesfield begs. "I need you to get me that money. Then put me on the next flight to Minneapolis!" Dan demands.

"It's done! I'll do as you say!" Dr. Jonesfield pees his pants in fear while calling the Cayman Islands.

In no time at all. Before Dan knew it, he went over to the bank to withdrawal some money that Dr. Jonesfield had transferred from The Cayman Islands. Dan uses that money to drive to a travel agency to book him a flight to Minneapolis. Dan was determined as ever to complete is mission.

To destroy MST3K. Why? For making fun of his favorite movie, "This Island Earth."

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

Dan had come to the travel agency. With a wad of cash in his pocket. Dan rushed into the travel agency and startled the lady at the desk. "What can I do for you today?" asked the lady.

"I need you to book me a flight to Minneapolis!" Dan tells the lady. Typing on her computer, searching for a flight, she finds one. "You're just in time. The next flight to Minneapolis leaves in 2 hours. There was already a flight that just took off a little while ago." the lady tells Dan. The other flight that left for Minneapolis was the one that Elise and Chris were on.

"Thank you! I'll take it!" Dan says. Now driving his way to LAX. Dan was on the next flight out of Minneapolis. after 2 long hours, Dan finally was in the airplane. "About time! That was the longest two hours ever!" Dan mutters to himself. Once he took his seat and waited for the plane to take off. "Prepare to meet your doom, MST3K!" Dan said to himself. An old lady sitting next to him asks, "What did you say, young man!"

"Nothing!" Dan loudly whispered to the old lady. "OKay." she said.

The flight Chris and Elise went on landed in Minneapolis. Both of them felt a burden off their shoulders knowing that Dan wasn't around to cause any damage or destruction.

"You know, Elise. I never thought I would say this. But it is so stress free without Dan here!" Chris said. "Yes you bet. Hopefully that therapist we recommended to him will calm him down!" laughs Elise.

Chris and Elise were now at the baggage claim.

"We need not worry about what damage and destruction he might cause." said Chris. "Less talk about Dan. More fun!" Elise says.

When Chris and Elise got their luggage and rented a car. They both drove to a hotel where the MST3K Convention was going to take place. Once they got settled into their hotel room and paid for their stay. Chris and Elise were both tired and wanted to get some sleep.

"Well, we gotta be well rested for the Convention tomorrow!" Elise yawns. "Yeah, we will. Did you see the lobby? It's going to be a blast!" Chris said yawning but was very excited. As they were both about to go to bed, Chris's cellphone rings.

"Excuse me. I got to take this before I go to bed." Chris tells Elise. Chris runs into the bathroom and answers his cellphone, "Hello?"

"Chris, good! Glad I caught you!" Dan said on the other end. Chris was shocked and appalled that Dan called him. "Dan! Why are you calling?" Chris said.

"Okay look. Listen closely. I blackmailed Dr. Jonesfield into giving me some money. So I went to the bank the withdrew some money he gave me to pay for a flight. Now I'm on my way to Minneapolis to stop that MST3K Convention you and Elise are going to." Dan told Chris.

"I shouldn't be too surprised as to how far you would go to get what you want, Dan. Okay. You caught me. What do you want me to do?" Chris asks.

"Tell me where the Convention is being held." Dan demanded. "You win, it's at the Hotel where Elise and I are staying...." Chris tells Dan.

"Okay. Can you give me the _name_ of the place?" Dan gruffed. "It's called the Residential Suite of Minneapolis. Happy now?" Chris cried out. "You've made my day." Dan said feeling very pleased. Chris was about to hang up, but Dan kept talking.

"Here's another thing I'd like you to do Chris. Now I want you to help me...." Dan was going to finish, but Chris stops him, "No. I will not aid and abet you with your mission to destroy MST3K. I respect the show. You're on your own with that." Chris said hanging up.

Dan hangs up his cellphone waiting for his plane to land in Minneapolis. "Thank you Chris. You've told me everything I want to know. So what if you won't help me, Chris. I'll do it myself!" Dan chuckles.

At the Hotel Chris was in a stance coming out of the bathroom.

"About time you got out of there. Who were you talking to on your phone?" Elise asked off the cuff.

"Uhhh, debt collectors?" Chris said. "Hmm, no wonder you're so nervous. Now come on. Come to bed. We have a convention about our favorite comedy show to go to!" Elise tells Chris.

"Well, okay." Chris said. What Elise didn't have a clue about was that Dan called Chris to tell him he was on his way to demolish and destroy the MST3K Convention.

 

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

 

Getting off his flight to Minneapolis, Dan just walks through the entrance. Never even bothered to pack anything for his trip.

Whistling for a cab, Dan gets inside and asks the cab driver to take him to the Residential Suite of Minneapolis. Once the cab dropped him off. Dan hears the sounds on construction across the street from the Hotel. Dan spots a steamroller that he has his eyes on. "That'll be perfect!" Dan said to himself. Checking into the Hotel, Dan gets a room on the first floor. Then he stays hidden away until he decides to strike at the Convention.

Morning was here. Chris and Elise feel very refreshed and ready for a fun day. "I know what cures jet lag. A good sleep!" Chris jokes. "I'll say it does! So what should we do first when we get there?" asked Elise. "Think we'll know when he reach the lobby where it's being held." Chris said.

Deep inside, Chris was torn between having fun with Elise and trying to keep a secret from her that Dan was around. In his Hotel room, Dan wakes up. He exits his room via a window and runs to the construction site he saw the day before. Dan saw nobody was riding on the steamroller. To use it to his advantage, Dan goes inside the steamroller and begins to drive it to the Hotel.

"It's showtime!" Dan cackles. Some construction workers were chasing Dan who was now driving the steamroller. "Hey, get back here!" "You're going the wrong way!" The construction workers were chanting. Dan ignored them all. Because he had one thing on his mind. Nothing was going to stand in his way.

Chris and Elise were walking out of their Hotel room and into the elevator that lead to the lobby. Both of them started to sing the MST3K Theme Song.

"In the not to distant future. Next Sunday AD! There was a guy named Joel! Not too different from you or me!"

More people who were MST3K fans walked by them, "Hey, you guys here for the convention too?" "We got here by winning an online contest!" Chris tells the people. "That's why we're here!" Elise laughs. "Want to come! The more MST3K fans the merrier!" Chris tells them. Chris had a quiet nervousness inside him. Knowing that Dan was going to extend his wrath at any time.

One of the people said, "I'm going to take a selfie with Tom Servo and Crow!" "I'm going to get some merchandise!"

After making their way into the lobby, Chris and Elise were impressed with the layout on the MST3K Convention! "They've got everything!" Chris said astoundedly. "Yes, t-shirts, hoodies, plushies, you name it." Elise agrees. "Oh and action figures! How much are these?" Chris said. At the panel were Joel Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Frank Conniff. "Hello everybody! Joel Hodgson here! Welcome to the Convention of Love!" "We're here if you want any questions asked!" Trace Beaulieu added. "Be sure to check out Rifftrax as well!" Mike Nelson says.

Chris and Elise saw some movie posters of B Movies that MST3K had ripped on over the years. "Remember Catalina Caper, Elise?" Chris asks. "Do I ever! That was one of the first ones we ever saw!" Elise said. "Oh look! Rocket Attack, Side Hackers, King Dinosaur..." Chris says who had forgotten for a split second that Dan was on his way.

"Remember this one they made fun of? Robot Holocaust!" Elise laughs. "My yes! You And Your Daughter are Doomed!" Chris laughs with Elise.

Then they see a poster of This Island Earth. That reminded them of Dan's agenda against MST3K.

"What the hell is wrong with Dan? Why is it he can't take a joke?" wondered Elise. "I know, right. MST3K made fun of those Gamera movies. I liked those when I was a kid. And I thought it was hilarious the way Joel and the Bots riffed them." Chris says.

"How are you enjoying the Convention!?" asked Kevin Murphy. A round of applause was heard. People walked by Chris and Elise who were cosplayers. "Awesome cosplay skills they have!" Chris observes. "Too bad MST3K never had Halloween costumes." Elise says.

"Hey, everyone, who wants to have a talk with us! The creators that made this amazing show possible!" Frank Conniff tells the crowd.

Chris and Elise along with everyone else at the Convention all clamoured around to talk to Mike, Kevin, Trace, Joel, and Frank. As soon as everyone was settled, a crash was heard from behind.

"What the hell is that!" someone shouted. It was Dan. On a steamroller.

"MUST.....DESTROY......MST3K!"

"That guy is a lunatic!"

"Run for your lives!"

Everybody except Chris, Elise, Frank, Joel, Mike, and Trace ran out of the Hotel lobby. Dan used the steamroller to run over some merchandise.

"This'll teach you to make fun of the greatest movie of all time!" Dan hollered.

"Should we call the police?" asked Frank. "No, let's see what he's up to with this." Joel suggets.

"There goes those mugs and shirts." Chris said. "How in the world did Dan find this place?" wondered Elise. "Uhh, I have no idea." Chris shrugs.

Dan was closing in on his steamroller at panel where the cast of MST3K was sitting. Out of luck, Dan's steamroller ran out of gas. "Awww, dammit!" Dan shouted jumping out of the steamroller. Then Dan decides to beat up one of the cast members he can get his hands on. Joel Hodgson soon found himself being strangled.

"Say your prayers, asshole! You can take your show and stick it up your ass!" Dan said. Elise then gets a chair and hits Dan with it. Dan was knocked to the ground but just fell over and wasn't hurt.

"Why exactly are you doing this, mister?" asked Joel trying to catch his breath. "Glad you asked! GLAD YOU ASKED! Why did you guys have to make fun of This Island Earth?!" Dan shouts at them.

"We did agree to answer questions for the fans." Trace begins. "And in this case we have a hater." Frank joins in.

"You see, we were looking for a movie to riff for a movie about our show." Mike explains. "Since we like to riff on sci-fi movies, we wanted to pick one that stood out amoung the rest!" Frank says.

"Moon Zero Two really stuck out!" laughs Chris. "Did you ever think you could upset people with the movies you mock! You sure upset me!" Dan seethed with madness.

"Look, we're sorry for the trouble our movie caused you. Have to understand that with some comedy shows. Nothing is sacred." Trace said.

"This Island Earth was my all time favorite movie. Seen it 23 times! Then someone like you has to make a mockery out of it! Don't you know that movie was three stars!" Dan yelled. "23 times? What fanaticism! That's how many my aunt saw South Pacific.". Elise says.

"You ought to check out Rifftrax. We even make fun of good movies with that." Mike says. "You bet." laughs Chris. "Is the Convention still on?" asked Elise. "Of course it is. We're not going to let some reckless vandal who hates our ruin everyone's fun! Now would we!" Joel said. Mike calls everyone back. All the fans who attended the MST3K Convention came back inside.

"Next time think twice before you riff on a good movie! I'll be watching...." Dan said heeding the MST3K cast a warning as he was yanked away by Elise.

"How did you get here? We told you to stay in LA!" Elise demanded to know. "Chris can tell you the whole story. Won't you, Chris?" Dan glared at him.

Chris tries to deny but he gives in, "Dan called me from the plane." "You were on our plane?" Elise shook with shock. "No I caught a different flight. I blackmailed that Dr. Jonesfield into giving me some money so I can find my own way here. And as they say, the rest is history!" Dan stood tall and proud.

Elise didn't know what to think so she says, "Nothing can stand in your way of getting revenge. As for you, Chris. Why didn't you block him from your cellphone? Thought we agreed we weren't going to give into Dan!"

"I didn't know he was going to come until he called me." Chris defends himself. "You know what? We're going to have fun here anyway. Come along, Chris. Dan, leave us alone and don't talk to us for three days." Elise says. Chris follows Elise. Then a security guard walks up to Dan.

"Excuse me. Are you the man who crashed this convention with a steamroller?"

"So what if I am?" asked Dan.

"We're going to have to ask you to leave." The security guard picks up Dan and throws him out in the street.

Chris and Elise enjoy their time at the MST3K Convention. Despite the destruction Dan had caused.

"They've won. For now anyway. I'll get you one way or another, MST3K!" Dan grumbles as he breaks apart some action figures of Tom Servo and Crow. Three days later, Chris, Elise, and Dan go back home to LA on the same flight. In the meantime, Dan found something new to strike vengeance upon.

"SECURITY GUARDS!"