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All for you

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They’d been best friends for as long as they could remember. Denki adored him. More than anything. He adored him. He was besotted with him. And he knew one day he’d have to admit that to himself, he just wasn’t sure when that would be, or if he’d have the guts to do it. Or if he’d do it and end up embarrassing himself. Or if he’d get rejected. But he didn’t mind, he was happy. Happy living with him since their parents kicked them out at sixteen.

It was almost funny, both of their parents kicking them out at the same time when they’d made a pact that day at school that they were finally going to come out to them.

But it was alright. They lived together happily. They struggled to get by at first on cup ramen and convenience store food, but they’d made something for themselves.

A little home painted purple and yellow and filled with plants.

A cat they’d found on the street one day.

They called her Moon. She was pure white. A gorgeous little kitten who’d grown into an even more beautiful cat. Never causing trouble. Although Denki was jealous that she seemed to like Hitoshi more than him. But that was because he was the one who fed her. That was what he kept telling himself, anyway.

 

He was special. He always had been. Denki knew from the moment he met him he had the potential to become something so, so amazing. If only he’d admit it.

But Denki promised himself he’d always be there. He’d always be there and help him bloom. Water that enchanting lavender until it grew and grew so big that Denki wouldn’t even be able to hold him any more.

He wanted to hear him sing. Hitoshi. The one who no one would have expected to have such an angelic voice and be the only one in their music class who actually had a chance of debuting and forming a band. But he’d never do it.

“I’m not good enough.” He’d say.

And Denki would beg and plead to hear him sing, but even in their shared apartment, he never heard a melody. Never heard a song come from his lips.

He would write his own music, but the most he ever did with it was strum on his guitar and hum away while Denki was ‘sleeping’.

 

Denki thought he was exquisite.

Hitoshi thought he was horrid.

 

Denki had spent years trying to convince him otherwise, telling him he would amaze one day, and he should just go for it because how can you ever become something if you don’t try?

“I’m scared.” Hitoshi said one night after one too many drinks.

And Denki sighed. “If you don’t try, you’ll never succeed.”

“Not trying is easier than failing.” His cheeks flushed a fair shade of pink.

 

Denki thought it was the perfect opportunity. It had been ten years. They’d known each other for ten years. Since they were thirteen and fifteen. And not once, not once, had Hitoshi let his voice out.

He sat back on the couch, eying his guitar in the corner of their shared apartment.

“I don’t know.” He said.

“I can play the chords.”

And Hitoshi bolted forward. “What?! Since when?”

Denki smiled sweetly, scooting closer to him. “I’ve been practising for you.” He said.

Hitoshi in his drunk state flung his arms around his neck. “Really?” He pulled him in close. So close to his chest that Denki could smell the cigarette smoke on his clothes. A scent he’d associated with him since he tried his first when he was fourteen behind the school lunch hall when no one was around. Hitoshi got addicted. Denki didn’t.

He didn’t pull away. And neither did Denki.

But when they did… When they finally broke away. Lavender eyes met shining gold.

 

They were so close.

Impossibly close.

 

And Hitoshi laughed. “Okay,” He breathed. “Grab me a drink first.”

Denki had never run to the fridge so quickly before in his life, and when he returned, he handed Hitoshi some raspberry vodka that had been in the freezer. It slid down their throats with ease. It didn’t even burn. But the buzz it left behind was just lovely. Just what they needed.

 

Denki asked Hitoshi to hand him his guitar. And he did. “Come.” Denki said, and then they were sitting cross-legged on the floor opposite each other. On their old patchwork rug they’d bought together when they first moved in. Denki smiled whenever his feet touched it. It was old and probably needed throwing out. But it was one of the first things they’d bought together. So it stayed on their living room floor, frayed at the edges.

“Start whenever you’re ready, okay?” Denki smiled.

And when he strummed the guitar, he watched Hitoshi suck in a sharp breath.

What came out ripped the air from Denki’s lungs and set him alight.

 

“Since when the moon and Earth have been together like this,

You who shines solely by existing,

I wonder if I can stay by your side.”

 

Denki wanted to cry.

 

“You are my Earth,

To you, I’m just a moon.”


But he kept playing. Hitoshi never opened his eyes.

 

“A tiny star of yours that brightens up your heart.

You are my Earth,

And all I see is you.”

 

Denki couldn’t look away even if he tried. He didn’t even look down at the guitar. Lavender strands of hair fell perfectly over Hitoshi’s face. He was beautiful. So, so beautiful. Denki thought he was in love at that moment.

 

Then Hitoshi opened his eyes.

 

“The only thing I do is gaze at you like this.

Though they say I’m beautiful, my sea is all black.

A star where flowers bloom and the sky is blue,

The one who is truly beautiful is you.”

 

Tears slipped down Denki’s cheeks. And Hitoshi smiled.

 

“Suddenly, I think if you would also be looking at me now,

If even my painful words might be found out by you,

I will orbit around you,

I will stay by your side,

I will be your light.

All for you.”

 

Then Hitoshi was crying too. “I…”

“Hitoshi,” Denki sucked in a long, deep breath. “I love you.”

Hitoshi bolted forward and kissed him on the mouth so passionately that the breath escaped Denki’s lungs. “I thought you’d never tell me that.” He breathed into his mouth. “And I love you, too.”