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Dear Lan Zhan

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              “Dear Lan Zhan”  



January 23rd



Dear Lan Zhan,

 

Every morning when I wake up and find the spot next to me empty, I wish I could wake up earlier.

You know, just to see what it's like to wake up next to you, maybe even in your arms. 

Because I love you. 

I really do. And every time I think that I love you, Lan Zhan, I also think that I don't deserve you.

Like, I'm a man with many flaws.The wrongs I've done are still part of who I am today, and- despite what you always tell me- I can't get rid of the feeling that maybe everything was indeed my fault.

 

And you're the opposite. You're HanGuang-Jun, the light bearer, ranking as the second most handsome man (though I consider you the first) in the cultivational world, holy shit! You're way too perfect. 

 

And I also think that I'm sorry, since I teased you for such a long time without realizing your feelings.

 

But then I think that I'm happy, too. It's like peace, both inside of me and outside. It's like the quiet after a storm and a rainbow after the rain. Nowadays, I don't find myself reminiscing about my past life often, but if I stop and actually take a moment to think about it, it has always been a huge mess. Something akin to a gigantic tornado. And now, it's like the winds have stopped blowing. 



When I look at you, Lan Zhan, I also can't help but think: "Fucking god, why the hell didn't this all happen sooner?"

For real, it could've been so much easier if I started having feelings for you right from the start, just as you did. 

Well, actually, maybe I did have feelings for you all along... I just didn't know what kind of feelings they were?

I would always tease you, and laugh, and talk about the beauties of Yunmeng, those beautiful young ladies that I claimed to fancy so much. I was so naive and stupid, I've never even liked any girl the way I like you, Lan Zhan! 

I was always bragging about girls, but in the end you, the manliest man, were my very first everything. My first stolen kiss, the first to make my heart jump out of my chest, my first confession, my first true love! Hehe, you were so determined, Lan Zhan! You waited for me for such a long time, and this idiot didn't even know there was still someone in this world waiting for him... So in a way, as much as it sounds bitter, I have to thank Mo Xuanyu for summoning me back to life, because if he didn't sacrifice himself I wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be Lan Zhan's husband. I feel bad saying this. Poor guy, his life must've been just-

the shittiest. 

 

Anyway, what was I talking about? Ah, yes. I still can't bring myself to acknowledge, to comprehend, to face the fact that you risked so much for me. You rescued me after I had massacred thousands. You protected me. You gave me spiritual energy and you even persevered and stayed there despite me saying "get lost!" countless times. And you accepted and took the punishment for your actions. Those scars, they make me ache, knowing that they're all there because of me, but they are also beautiful, they're like many little paths to follow when I'm tracing your back with my fingers. No, no, your back is like the night sky. The moles are stars, and the scars are comets.

And your chest is like the sky during the day, because the thing that catches the eye the most is the massive sun in the middle of it, the scar you gave yourself while drunk, the same exact mark I had on my old body. So you're the night, and you're the daylight, and that's because you're everything, you're my everything. I like you, or in other words I fancy you, I love you, I never want to leave you, I whatever you!



Your guqin has become my favourite sound, and by that I mean your guqin. Nobody plays it like you do, the way your slender fingers pluck the strings is out of this world! Ah, I really love your hands. Everything they do, they do it well. I like holding your hands, and I like tracing the lines on your palms with my index finger, trying to make you feel ticklish. 

One thing I like as well are the little scars on your fingers, the ones you got back when we were just seventeen, when we got stuck in that cave with the Xuanwu of Slaughter. 

Wow, looking back at it, that cave could've been the perfect place for a heartfelt, romantic love confession! Well, it almost became one, except for the part where I passed out with a fever. I remember everything though, I remember how, as I slowly closed my eyes, you were humming that melody, the one that would become our Wangxian , the one in which you put all of your feelings for me. It's my favourite song, of course. Our special song. 

 

Oh, and speaking of that cave, remember when you bit me? Ahah, I really thought you liked Mianmian! I was so dense, I can't even believe it... Anyway, Lan Zhan, my point is, we should've gotten together way sooner! There were so many perfect places for our love to blossom! Just imagine, the infamous Yiling Laozu and his righteous husband HanGuang-Jun, a forbidden romance born in chaos, with the whole cultivational world forbidding them to fulfill their dreams of love... Ah, so romantic! 

And what about the young, carefree Wei Wuxian and the young, perfect disciple Lan Wangji, only seventeen, running away together to live their romance in secret while wandering through the mountains? Or the clueless Wei Wuxian managing to undo his blindfold when a mysterious strong maiden starts kissing him, just to open his eyes and find none other than Lan Wangji-  and then proceed to kiss him back! 

Or, again, the fifteen year old Wei Ying going back home in lotus pier after three months in Gusu with a lot of new secrets to hide, for example, his secret relationship with the cold and stiff Lan Zhan, or how their love bloomed  during one of Wei Ying's many hours spent in detention in the library pavilion! 

But no, we had to wait until our thirties! Well, you're in your thirties. I don't know about me anymore, well, whatever. 

Thirties, twenties, I don't care, Lan Zhan is what matters. 

We've been married for less than a year but I know we'll be together until the end of time. We're soulmates, after all. I don't know, Lan Zhan, you make me so happy.



Another thing that makes me happy is A-Yuan. He's growing up so well, I can't believe he's turning eighteen next year! I still remember him so clearly, back when he was only two or three, playing with the paper butterflies you bought him, or half planted in the soil by yours truly, just like a ripe turnip! That smile of his, he's such a sweet child. 

But, oh boy, he's not even a child anymore! He's seventeen now, which means he's the same age as we were back in the Xuanwu cave, isn't that crazy? 

He's also the same age as I was when I got thrown into the burial mounds. That's even crazier. Looking at him, I still see a child, a flower in the process of blooming, while I don't think I looked like a child back then. Or maybe I did. 

In any case, I'm glad nothing of that kind has happened to him. Well, the first years of his life weren't easy in the slightest, but he was lucky enough to forget most of them after that fever. 

And once again, Lan Zhan, I'm so grateful for what you have done. You saved him, rescued him, raised him. I thought that child had died along with the Wens, yet it turned out that he had been in front of me all along, just older and bearing a different name!

Not gonna lie, Sizhui is a quite pretty name too.

I wish that kid all the best things in the world. 

Well, he's our child after all! 

 

Lan Zhan! You didn't think you'd end up married to this messy man and with a son, did you? 

And honestly, who would've thought? Your brother, probably, ahah. 

 

I myself had no idea I'd fall for you, but what can I say, I'm so, so glad I did.

 

For the longest time, I had no idea what love was like. My Shijie once told me what it was like to have a crush on Zixuan, sure, but I never quite understood what those words meant. 

But when it came to you, my Lan Zhan, I knew.

I knew it wasn't just fondness.

It took me a while to accept it, but in the end I sorted it out. I love every single bit of your person. I'm attracted to every single part of you, both your soul and your body, your voice, the way you walk, the way you hold me, your scent of sandalwood, the way your earlobes turn red when I say something a little too shameless in public, and the way you smile. You don't smile a lot, but when you do, it sends me to the moon and back.

When your rosy lips slightly curve upwards, I know that you're happy, and I know that you love me.

You don't really laugh either, but I just adore it when you chuckle softly at something I’ve said.

Oh, and since I mentioned the moon earlier, I might as well tell you that I think you look like the moon. Kind of.

Your skin is like a full moon's surface, so fair and bright, and your hair is darker than the night sky. Your flowy robes add to the brightness, and your Amber eyes provide that golden spark, that yellow shade that the sun's rays project onto the moon. Or maybe they're like two stars, shimmering brighter than the others.

But Lan Zhan isn't just handsome and gorgeous. He can also be cute, extremely cute!

Everytime we visit our rabbits at the back of the mountain, I can't help but lay my eyes on you as you kneel down, take up a couple of white bunnies onto your lap and start petting them. Part of me thinks, "he's so adorable, I want to watch him pet our rabbits forever!" The other part says "I wish I was one of those rabbits!"

When we're there, surrounded by dozens of fuzzy little balls of white and black fur, I also picture a little A-Yuan, wearing his tiny little Gusu Lan Sect robes and his tiny little headband, playing with them as if he was one of them, sharing carrots with them, all while a twenty-something year old version of you, Lan Zhan, watches over them, with a soft smile on your lips. 

And to think that this whole rabbit thing also started because of me... Wow, Lan Zhan. 

 

There's so much to say about you, there's literally two lives worth of stories about the two of us. All those times I touched your forehead ribbon, without knowing what it meant... Speaking of knowledge, you know, I think I knew I loved you when I jumped in your arms, that night in Lotus Pier. 

The fact that you can catch me and hold me in your arms like that makes me go crazy! I feel so safe by your side. You even manage to make me feel safe when dogs are around!

I just climb onto you like you're a tall, tall tree and boom, I'm safe, no dogs can reach me anymore! Though I'll admit that, even when I'm held tight in your embrace, their barks still make me shiver.

 

There's so many thoughts flooding into my head right now, dogs made me think of Jin Ling, and he made me think of my Shijie and she made me think of Jiang Cheng, but I can't talk about them here, or I'd go off topic.

 

This is a letter to you and only you, Lan Zhan. My  Lan Zhan.

A letter to convey some of my feelings for you.

Not all of them, because that would require me to write a whole book about you, and more than 100 chapters still wouldn't be enough. 

I hope I'm being a good husband to you, Lan Zhan, I hope I'll be able to make up for all that shit I made you go through. 

And I really hope you'll be able to forgive me.

I want you to know that I love you, and wish to be loved by you.

I want to take you to Yunmeng, eat lotus seeds with you, play with you, splash you with water, swim with you, even climb on that tree and jump down just so you can catch me again. 

But eh- I don't think Jiang Cheng will let me. 

Whatever. 

The thing is, Lan Zhan, there's just so much stuff I want to do with you. I want to travel with you, wandering from village to village and forest to forest, with Lil' Apple as our only companion, strolling without a clear destination for a couple of months, away from your duties.

I want to play my flute for you while you simply lay in our bed and relax, I want to build a small cottage in the countryside where we can hide in the summer, maybe even farm a little. You would look so good, under the scorching sun, with a bamboo hat on your head. I'd be the one doing most of the work though, I think. 

I also want to cook for you. I'll even try to make my food a little less spicy, just for you! 

Yes, I love you to that extent, Lan Zhan.

 

Oh man, I've called you Lan Zhan so many times in this letter, why didn't I use Lan Er-Gege instead? Eh, I don't know if that's a good idea though, ahah. 

 

So- Lan Zhan! I can't even formulate coherent speech when I talk about you, look at what you do to me!

 

In conclusion, Lan Zhan:

 

I love you, I want you, and I feel like the luckiest man on earth, because I know that you're mine. And I'm yours, of course, ahah.

So yeah! 

Happy 36th birthday, my Lan Zhan! 

I hope you appreciate the letter this devoted husband of yours wrote to you. 

Will you spend eternity with me?

I really hope you will. 

At least, I'm sure i'll stick by your side until the end of time. 

 

I love you immensely,

                                                                       -Your Wei Ying