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Are You Gonna Kill/Kiss Me or What?

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<<<<<Are You Gonna Kill/Kiss Me or What?>>>>>

<<<<<PROLOGUE>>>>>

 

<<<<<00.00.55>>>>>

 

"Ew, this is gross!"

"Eh, wait till you see the whole thing, Jen!"

"Oh fuck, is it all like this?"

"No, Jen, relax! This is the alternate teaser."

"Oh, what about the original one?"

"An orgy of badly crafted bodies distorted by a fish-eye lens."

"Fucking Gross!"

 

<<<<<00.03.35>>>>>

 

"Hey look Jude, they're chewing in fucking unison!"

 

"My mommy always said there were no monsters, no real ones, but there are."

 

"What the fucking kind of redundant sentence is that?"

"Jen, it's a quote! The quote in question is originally spoken by a little girl! It's a memory!"

 

<<<<<00.05.05>>>>>

 

"Ew, what the fuck Judy! We just finished dinner! And this poor chick gets her tor-Holy shit, what the fuck is that?"

"Yeah, but look how hot she is!"

 

"Saw her back up."

 

<<<<<00.08.21>>>>>

 

"You're gonna make us all very proud."

 

"Watch out dude! This one is going to bite your dick off!"

"Oh my gosh Jen! You really got into character!"

"Shut up, I'm starting to like this chick!"

 

<<<<<00.11.05>>>>>

 

"Identification, please."

 

"Judy, really! This movie is fucking weird! I mean, can you imagine after a Karen's Mexican Lasagna having to breathe on top of that thing to get into the house?"

"Jen, Jen! It's the genius of the French director!"

"Ah there! Now that explains it! The French always have to do whatever the fuck they fancy."

 

<<<<<00.18.59>>>>>

 

"Hah! Good little shrimp, I like you too."

 

"Don't push me little Call. You hang with us for a while, you'll find out I'm not the man with whom to fuck!"

 

"Nice chick, huh?"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

 

<<<<<00.20.10>>>>>

 

"Father?! Who the fuck calls a computer Father?! That's fucking depraved!"

"Well, in the first movie, the onboard computer was called Mother."

"Oh my God that's for sociopaths!"

 

<<<<<00.22.12>>>>>

 

"Holy fuck, I need this whiskey trick! Do you think it can be done with wine too?"

"Jen, you are aware that this is a science fiction movie, aren't you?"

"I was just fantasizing, Judy."

"Ah... you have fantasies about wine... interesting..."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ah well… I didn't take you for someone who has wine fantasies, that is!"

"Did I ever mention that you're weird, Jude?"

 

<<<<<00.25.51>>>>>

 

"Ew, God! What the fuck is that? An egg? A vag-"

"Okay Jen, don't watch this one! C’m on-look-at-me-look-at-me-look-at-me!"

 

<<<<<00.26.44>>>>>

 

"Okay, this one is a revolting, disgusting, fucking troglodyte!"

"Yeah, but look at her Jen!"

"Well yeah okay she's... pretty impressive Jude, we've already made that clear!"

 

"Come on, give me the ball."

 

"Pff, impressive? She's pretty heaven on a stick!"

"Serves you right, fucko!"

 

"What the hell are you?"

 

"Yeah whatever! Like hell she actually nailed it!"

"Well Jen, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but she actually nailed it! On the first real shooting."

"Pff! I can't fucking believe it even if I see it!"

 

<<<<<00.30.59>>>>>

 

"Does this fucking monster always have to be so... drooling?"

"Yeah... well... it is... pretty lubed, yes."

"Oh my God and that thing that came out of its fucking mouth?"

"Um, I'd call them more jaws, you know? Anyway, they're just even more jaws! Oh my gosh Jen, I can't believe you've never watched these movies!"

"And by the way, the scientist is much more slimy than that lubricated... thing."

 

<<<<<JEN AND JUDY AND CALL AND RIPLEY>>>>>

 

<<<<<00.34.23>>>>>

 

"Well? Are you gonna kill me or what?"

 

"Well, she has a sensual voice though."

"The voice and that's all?!"

 

"Where is it? Is it on the ship?"

 

"Uh, she likes the little shrimp!"

"Aw Jen, you ship these two!"

"I what?"

"Nevermind! I never thought you'd catch on so soon!"

"Well, have you seen the way she looks at her?"

"Of course I saw that!"

"Jude... you're drooling!"

 

"Look, I can make it all stop. The pain, this nightmare. That's all I can offer you.”

 

"Oh how sweet! Ouch... this looks painful"

 

"Ellen Ripley died two hundred years ago. You're not her."

 

"Well, for being two hundred and something years old, she doesn't look fucking bad at all!"

"I totally agree!"

"Knock it off Judy!"

"Wait, are you jealous?"

"Pff!"

 

"You gotta help me stop this thing before it gets loose."

 

"Now, don't tell me she’s gonna kiss her!"

"Would you like to?!"

"Huh?!"

"Jen, you're drooling!"

 

"You'll never get out of here alive."

 

"Shut up! She's about to kiss her!"

"Aw, Jen! You're hurting me!"

"Sorry!"

"It’s okay"

"It's just that there's so much tension in that fucking cage! I didn't realize I was squeezing your hand so har-NO! What the fuck!"

“Eh no Jen, she didn't kiss her!”

"But she will at some point, will she?”

“Spoiler!”

"C'mon Jude!”

 

<<<<<00.38.54>>>>>

 

"Kiss my ass."

 

"Wow, this guy is fucking good with new geometry!"

 

"I will cut your throat and leave you here to die, you understand me?"

 

"Aw, c'mon you ass! Don't fucking touch her!"

"You really like that little shrimp, do you Jen?"

"Yup! I think she's a badass!"

 

<<<<<00.40.49>>>>>

 

"How fucking gross! Acid blood?"

 

"Gediman!"

 

"Here we go! Now you're all fucked! That blood is gonna melt all!"

 

<<<<<00.46.28>>>>>

 

"Fucking French, Jude! How could be even possible that your skull is ripped out by an alien monster and you manage to pick up your own fucking cerebellum before remembering that you have to die and fucking collapse to the ground?"

"Jen, it's noir!"

 

<<<<<00.50.43>>>>>

 

"What the fuck?"

 

"Here she is! Fucking awesome!"

 

"Was it everything you hope for?"

 

"Is she flirting?"

"Constantly with your little shrimp, Jen."

 

"Where are the fucking army guys?"

 

"Yup fucko! All dead!"

"Poor little shrimp, no one considers what she's saying and she's probably the only one who knows better!"

 

"Docta! That-thing that killd my partna, that's ya pet science project!"

 

"Jen! This guy talks with your Brooklyn accent!"

"Ha! Yup! Fuck, twelve!?"

 

"There'll be more. So, who do I have to fuck to get off this boat?"

 

"Ha! This is a fucking amazing line, Ripley!"

"Jen, look at the little shrimp! She's blushing!"

"She is! Aw, Jude she's really fucking flirting with her!

 

"She's not human. She was part of his experiment and she will turn on us in a second!"

 

"Aw, c'mon little shrimp! Don't treat her like shit! She already loves ya!"

"Poor Ripley, she got hurt by her words."

 

"Make a nice souvenir."

 

"Aw, look at her, Judy! She gives her the alien tongue! What does that mean?"

"Yup, but Call didn't like it."

"I'm pretty sure she'd prefer her own tongue, ya know?"

 

<<<<<00.57.12>>>>>

 

"Aw, this is fucking gross, Judy! Look at those things inside the glasses! They are stock in there like giant, gross pickles!"

"Ew Jen, your imagination leaves me speechless sometimes!"

"How cute our little shrimp! She hands her the flamethrower! What a supersweet thought!"

"Yeah, she's very sweet, isn't she?"

"Woah! She punched him in the face for Ripley, Jude! I knew she was a real badass!"

"Well Jen, Ripley is a badass too!"

"You know what, Jude? Too easy being a badass, when you are not entirely human! I mean, look at Call! She is tiny and looks so frail compared to Ripley!"

"Well... nevermind."

"A chick thing!? Fuck you asshole!"

 

<<<<<01.04.44>>>>>

 

"I saw-I saw horrible things."

 

"Is she smelling him?"

"Looks so, Jen. She can sense them, ya know? They're family."

 

"What's in-fuckin'-side me?!"

 

"Well a pretty fucked one, though!"

 

"I'm the monster's mother!"

 

<<<<<01.12.05>>>>>

 

"Oh God, she's gorgeous underwater, isn't she Jen?"

"Jude, I'm jealous, ya know th-oh fuck! Not Ripley! No-no-no-fuck-no!"

 

"It's a goddamn ambush!"

 

"Ha! See Jude! She bit its dick off for real this time!"

"Jen, please ease your hold on my hand!"

"Sorry!"

"It's okay"

"Oh no! What the fucking fuck! He shoot at my little shrimp, Judy! Stop it now! I'm done!"

"C'mon Jen. Don't be sad. C'm here, it's okay babe."

"Oh wait a minute! She's not dead?!"

"Yup, look how Ripley looks at her!"

 

"This way. Come on!"

 

"You took it in the chest. I saw it."

 

"Yup, Ripley's right! How can it be even possible?"

 

"You're a robot?"

 

"Judy, really?"

"So what, Jen? Now she's not our badass little shrimp just because she's a bit robotic?"

"Just a little bit, uh?"

 

"I should've known. No human being is that humane."

 

"See? Even Ripley keeps liking her!"

"Does she, Judy?"

"Of course, Jen! They're already married!"

 

<<<<<01.22.00>>>>>

 

"Don't make me do this."

 

"Don't make me make you."

 

"Aw, how cute are they together, Judy? C'mon little shrimp, you and only you can do it!"

 

"We burned too much energy. I can't make critical mass, I can't blow it!"

 

"Then crash it."

 

"Wait, what?"

"Aw, look at the way they look at each other!"

 

"Try to clear us a path to the Betty. And start her up."

 

"Start her up? It's a machine, for fuck's sake!"

"Well so is Call, Jen."

"Good point."

 

"Father's dead, asshole. Intruder on Level 1. All aliens, please proceed to Level 1."

 

"You got a mean streak."

 

"Kiss her! Now!"

"She's pretty smitten, uh Jen?"

"Shush!"

"Poor Call, she hates being a robot."

"Jude, look how sweet is Ripley with her! She fuckin' loves her!"

 

"How can you stand being what you are?"

 

"Not much choice."

 

"Okay, this is a pretty fucking awesome dialogue, Jen. Neither of them is human and both struggle with this, but ya now. They're together."

"Shush, Jude!"

"Sorry!"

"It's okay!"

 

"I'm just-Look at me. I'm disgusting."

 

"Oh no, little shrimp!"

"C'mon Ripley, kiss her! Make her see how disgusting she is!"

"Shush, Jen!"

"Fuck off, Judy!"

 

"Why do you care what happens to them?"

 

"Because I'm programmed to."

 

"You're programmed to be an asshole?"

 

"Aw, Jude! She made her smile!"

"How adorable! She's shy!"

"Ripley, you just fucking won her heart! Well done! Now can you please fucking kiss her?"

 

<<<<<01.29.00>>>>>

 

"Okay, Judy, I can't stand this fucko anymore!"

"Yup, he's a total prick!"

"C'mon Ripley! Do something for fuck's sake!"

 

"Kill you! Does that compute? Or do I have to draw you a schematic?"

 

"Fuck yeah Ripley!"

 

"You want another souvenir?"

 

"Oh boy if they like each other!"

"Yeah, they are so cute, aren't they? I'm totally in love with these two!"

 

<<<<<01.29.56>>>>>

 

"Fuck! What now!?"

 

"Ripley! Ripley!"

 

"Are they fucking leaving without her?"

"Be patient, Jen!"

 

<<<<<01.33.09>>>>>

 

"Haven't you pay any attention today?"

 

"Ah, the intellectual speaks!"

 

"Uh-oh. That guy is gonna be fucking sick!"

"Fucking fuck, Judy! Kudos to this fucking french director for this one!"

 

"Awesome, isn't it?"

 

<<<<<01.34.40>>>>>

 

"Oh thank God! She didn't die! Again!"

 

"A human reproductive system. She is giving birth for you, Ripley."

 

"Fuck you, fucking mad scientist!"

"That's so, so gross!"

"Eh, wait to see what's inside that enormous uterus!"

 

"You are a beautiful, beautiful butterfly."

 

"Yeah, and I am one of the fucking hottest Hollywood actress ever!"

"Jen! You are beautiful! And hot! You have nothing to envy to a Hollywood actress."

"Aw, you too babe! Oh shit! It noticed her!"

"Yeah but, see. It recognize her like its mother!"

"How gross! C'mon Ripley! Run!"

 

<<<<<01.39.17>>>>>

 

"Hurry Ripley! They're fucking leaving!"

 

"Ripley!"

 

"Fuck yeah! Well done, little shrimp!"

"Yeah, she never misses her!"

"Oh thank you! They made it!"

"Hold on Jen, the movie is not finished yet!"

"What else now?"

 

<<<<<01.41.35>>>>>

 

"Grab on to something, Call. We're outta here."

 

"Ripley! Go to her, dummy! She's in fucking danger!"

 

<<<<<01.44.00>>>>>

 

"Fuck! Resist little shrimp!"

 

"Put her down!"

 

"About time, Ripley! What the fuck are she gonna do now?"

"You'll see Jen."

 

<<<<<01.46.05>>>>>

 

"Ew! Disgusting! It's gonna becoming a fucking alien juice spread into the void, that thing!"

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"Sorry!?"

"Of course she's sorry, Jen. It's family!"

 

<<<<<01.49.20>>>>>

 

"What do you think? What should we do?"

 

"I don't know, I'm a stranger here myself."

 

"That's it? No kiss? For fuck's sake, Judy!"

"Aw, honey! You did really ship them, didn't you?"

"I don't even know what the fuck are you talking about! What shit?"

"Ship! Not shit, Jen! You wanted them together, right? That's a ship."

"Of course I wanted them together!"

"Yeah, me too."

"Hey, Jude. If this were a TV show, do you think people would ship us?"

"Hell yes! I mean, look at us! We are already practically married! Who knows how many fanfiction they would write about us!"

"Fan-what?"

"Jen, why don't you shut up and maybe come even closer?"

"Yup! Sorry, he-he."

"It's okay. Well?"

"Well..."

"Are you gonna kiss me or what?"

 

<<<<<EPILOGUE>>>>>

 

"Hen, c'mon wake up buddy! You have to see this!"

"What?"

"Shush! Come with me! And be silent!"

"They Made it!!!"

"Fuck yeah! About time, buddy!"

"Thank you, Sigourney Weaver!"

 

<<<<<END>>>>>