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Favorite Ex

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We had known each other as long and Chloe and I have known each other. You guys were best friends after all. Without you, there would be no Chloe and I will forever be grateful to you for that.

We had been skirting around the dating scene for about a year before finally giving in and going out on our first date. I think I knew the entire time someone else lived in my heart, but I also knew they didn’t want me the way I wanted them; and I think you knew as well. I wanted to move on, I hated sitting in the pain every time their name was brought up along with another story about another successful date with the man of her dreams.

You were there, you listened to my drunken soliloquy’s about how I will never be the one they desired. I think eventually those thoughts started to be about you, without me realizing it.

You took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. You looked out for me and tried to get me back out on the dating scene, as much as I hated it. Even if the dates were a disaster, I still thank you for doing that. Thank you for being there.

We finally got together and I think I was finally able to move on from her. She would never be in my reach; I’d never caught her eye since her attention was always on someone else. Their relationship had been going 3 years strong, I was honestly surprised there ring on her finger yet. I was ready to let her go, ready to get my own happy.

But I guess we worked better as best friends than lovers. We got together after 6 months of me wallowing in my own pity, but after two years of being together, one of those years living together (not to mention the several years we’d known each other as friends), we started to fall apart. We were together – in the same room, in the same bed – but our hearts weren’t with each other any more.

Our careers had taken off, to both of our surprises. I guess we shouldn’t have expected less from two passionate, head-strong, independent women who would do anything and not let anything get in the way of getting what they want. Our days were just consumed with work. Our nights were consumed with fights about how we just work, work, and work all the time. Whether it was about coming in late and waking the other up in the middle of the night because of the noise, or literally bringing work home on dedicated date nights, we could never have a civil conversation with each other without it turning into a screaming match.

Eventually, we just stopped talking to each other. We were walking on eggshells the entire time we were in the same room together. Calls went unanswered, texts were not replied to besides a “thumbs up” or a “k” (not even an “ok”).

We knew we were drowning, but we both wanted to hang on. We tried a bit more, gave a little more to the relationship. I agreed that weekends would be for us, no work, not even in the spare bedroom/home studio that was set up just for that. You agreed to the same.

We were getting back to “us”, how we were when we first got together. The soft romantics we were when it was just us. The longing stares were less pointed, softer and full of love and compassion for each other. The cuddles were longer and warmer and the security felt in each other’s arms was even stronger than before. The conversations got deeper and talks of the future kept slipping in here and there (from me of all people). We were getting back to “us”.

That worked for a few months, then talks of promotions and album releases starting coming up and the late nights and weekends were given back to our workplaces. You would leave before I got up (me sleeping in because of how late I had to stay at the studio the night before) and would be asleep by the time I got home. I think we went almost a week without seeing each other physically, only conversing through short text messages about when we would be home (at least that had changed, communication was something we promised each other would change so we didn’t start to sink again).

You had gotten the promotion and I couldn’t be more excited for you! I arranged a huge get together with all our friends, the Bellas included, to celebrate this huge milestone in your career, in your life. The next biggest name in law in NYC and it was going to be my girlfriend; I wanted to tell anyone who would listen how amazing you are.

Little had I known, you were over us by then and having that celebration just pushed it over the edge. Being in the entertainment industry and in such a high profile space wasn’t helping our private life at all. Me being so new and blowing up all of a sudden meant that everyone wanted a piece and wanted to know everything about me. Stories were coming out about me (but I made sure nothing ever came out about you, I know you have goals you want to meet and being talked about in the tabloids would only keep you back). I was fine with being private; it was like our own little bubble. Just us and our closest friends knowing our biggest secret. It was like an exclusive club, by invite only, need-to-know basis.

We would fight about the stories that came out about me being spotted with another person who wasn’t you out and about. It became one of the repeating topics we would fight about this time around. You didn’t want to come with me to the parties or interviews and I didn’t want to push. You had a reputation to maintain if you were ever to make partner at the firm, and I refused to get in the way of that.

I started hitting the bottle pretty hard at these parties and celebrations. Sometimes I would get black out drunk and someone from my team had to drop me off at our doorstep just to make sure I got home safe. You would take care of me and we would fight while I was hung-over and the conversations always ended with me apologizing profusely the next morning, only to do it again at the next shindig. I felt so alone, you had your career to focus on and I just didn’t have anyone there to listen to me to vent to about what I was dealing with.

I found out that Chloe and Chicago split up during that time where we were struggling the most. Turns out he proposed, saying that the distance was too much for both of them and if they were married she could come with him. But she was not ready to be a military wife so she turned him down.

She was my best friend too and she needed me, as well as me needing her. My struggles at home were getting to be so much and I couldn’t talk to you about it, I couldn’t even just talk about it without some fight breaking out. But, Aubrey, I was and still am so freaking proud of you.

Chloe and I started spending more time with each other; we provided the comfort both of us needed during our times of hurting. I guess my feeling for her never really went away; they came back as strong as ever. I was hurting and she was there. I wasn’t trying to hurt you more by ignoring you or getting close to her again.

But that night at the celebration party, I guess was just too when I spent most of my time with Chloe and not enough time with you. She was there to listen and I was there for her as well. Chloe was my best friend and she had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. You knew how I felt about her and never held it against me. I loved that about you, about us. Our past was never something we brought up; why look back when we could look forward together.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to get wasted this night. This was all about you and I didn’t want you to be concerned with my drunk self at the end of the night. I would sing your praises to everyone at that party. Little had I known, you were telling people we were over before ever telling me. I decided to have a couple drinks when I overheard you speaking to Stacie about it. You guys had gotten closer through the years and I was glad that you had other friends, other than your work friends, to confide in. Next to you and Chloe, Stacie was the one I told all my problems too. Sure Amy was there, but let’s be real, she can’t hold a serious conversation for her life. I loved that you guys were close, I just wasn’t aware of how close apparently.

You guys were getting a bit touchy in my opinion, but I wasn’t too concerned. I knew you were coming home with me (to me) at the end of the night. That was until I saw you kiss her. I was coming back from the bathroom; I was looking for you on the dance floor. The next thing I knew, I was staring at both of you at the bar, lips locked, hands all over each other, closed off to the rest of the world.

I could literally feel my heart break at that moment. The last time I felt that was at the end of the USO tour, when Chloe was with Chicago. You were the one who fixed me, who kept me whole, who picked up the broken pieces of me and put me back together again. How could you go and do that and break my heart into even smaller pieces?

I ran out of the bar. I needed space and air to breathe and think. Had it really gotten that bad? So bad that you had to go and kiss someone else? That you had forgotten about me that much? I didn’t know what to do, I just know I couldn’t go back inside. I sent you text that I wasn’t feeling well and decided to go home. That text never got a reply.

I think I was more broken with our breakup than what happened with Chloe. Chloe and I were never together, so it wasn’t really betrayal I was feeling from her, it was more of a “missed opportunity/closed door” kind of heartbreak.

I asked you about it a couple days later, after neither of us having brought it up when we were together. I took a few days off after the party and you had a few days as well before you were flooded with next level cases and work. We spent the days together, I was waiting to see if you would say anything. I could hear your phone vibrate all the time and see your face light up when the text was read. I missed that look on you. That smile used to be on you all the time. And I had a great amount of pride to be able to say I was the one to put it there. The fact that I changed that smile to be a more pained, forced, insincere one upset me and I was angry more at myself that anyone else.

When I asked you, you didn’t even deny that it happened. You assumed that Chloe and I had done something that night since I was seen with her all night and when I left to go home, she mentioned to you that she “suddenly” had to leave as well. I swear nothing happened between us. I came home and cried myself to sleep. I assume you thought I was just drunk again and passed out but I only had two beers that night.

We fought, I denied anything happened between me and Chloe but you just didn’t want to hear it. I asked why you went and kissed Stacie and why you were telling people we were done. You said you’d been feeling that way for a while now and I guess I was just too dense to realize what was happening right in front of me. I was hoping this party would be the start to something new for us. I knew were on the rocks but I thought it was the same as last time and we just needed a reset. This celebration was supposed to be the reset we needed.

Eventually the yelling became soft whispers and the fighting stopped. You pulled the trigger on our relationship that night. You did what I was too afraid to do. We said our goodbyes and you left with a duffle bag full of clothes for the next few days and I assumed you went to stay with Stacie.

I couldn’t believe I was feeling heartbreak again. This pain was more than what I felt during my parent’s divorce or during Chloe’s kiss with Chicago. It was just something I couldn’t see myself getting over. I knew you were unhappy in the relationship and I beat myself up over knowing it was me who made you unhappy. As much as I was hurting, I knew you were hurting just as much. I cried myself to sleep for the next few weeks.

But looking back on it now, I think it was what I needed to really address my true feelings toward Chloe. I never betrayed you; I was willing to leave my feelings toward her to pursue something more with you. I think as much as hated that our relationship ended, it was one of the most eye-opening and best relationships I’ve had.

After a couple years, Chloe and I eventually found each other. It took me a while to be ok with being with someone again. She helped me through the breakup the way that you helped me through my heartbreak over Chloe all those years ago.

Thank you Aubrey Posen, you have the biggest hearts and are one of the most determined and passionate people I know. I’m sorry for hurting you those years we were together, I’m sorry for making you unhappy. You deserve to live the best life and I know you have found that now with Stacie. I’m glad we can stay friends and we still talk often. I see the way you are with Stacie and I know that you are happy. As much as we were good together, I think we’re better as exes. Hands down, you are my favorite ex…..