Of all the things Tommy expected to change his life forever, a $2 donation calling him a lesbian really wasn’t on the list. But here he is, in front of 68,000 people, his mind and heart racing miles per minute.
Why is it bothering you so much? You’re an entire straight man. Yep. Straightest of them all, the manliest man.
Fuck, why does that- nope. Nopeity no, we’re not going to… think. About that feeling. Actually, let’s not think at all. No thoughts allowed.
But what was that feeling? It- no, brain, shut up. stop it. Stop the think.
“Let’s think about this one,” he finds himself saying.
Bitch. Bitchbrain. “No- no, we’re live in front of 68,000 people, let’s not think about this one!”
You’re a straight man. That’s it.
So why do I feel like such SHIT?
“If a le-” HEY, NOPE, BAD IDEA, ABORT, “No, because I’m going to get it wrong, and that’s- ha! That’s when it gets bad.”
Tommy exhaled loudly, flopping facefirst onto his bed after his stream.
“What the fuck was that?” he mumbled to himself, rolling onto his back.
Why had one stupid dono send him into such a… a panic? Crisis? He wasn’t even sure what it could be called.
“Can’t believe Tommy’s a lesbian,” he said to the cracks on his ceiling. “Can’t believe Tommy’s a lesbian ! Can’t believe Tommy’s a lesbian. Can’t be lieve Tom my’s a les bian!”
You look stupid, the cracks in his ceiling said.
Tommy groaned, smooshing a pillow into his face. Why did everything just feel so wrong?
“Yknow, Tommy, I saw that one clip the other day, the one of you thinking for far too long about if you, a straight teenage boy, are a lesbian.”
“And Tommy, I just wanted to say- you have my full support. As you know, I greatly support lesbians like you.”
Tommy meant to make a fake-angry face, yell overdramatically at Techno about how I’m not a lesbian, Techno, how dare you- you know, for content’s sake. What comes out instead is, “What- what was that first part?”
“You have my full support?”
“No, before that.”
“You, a straight teenage boy, thought for too long about if you're a lesbian?”
“Uh.” Fuck. “Technoblade, you are a bitch.”
“Now that’s- that’s just unfair. I was stating facts. ”
“Sorry, what was that? I don’t speak bitch. ”
Straight teenage boy.
Tommy curled in on himself, all 6’3” of him looking small.
Why does that feel so… wrong?
His stomach started to ache, his chest feeling like it was shrinking. With shaky hands, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, opening up Safari.
how do you knwo if youre
He chewed his lip.
how do you knwo if youre transgender
His finger hovered over the enter key- a pandora’s box of sorts. Tommy screwed his eyes shut and let his finger fall, almost scared of what he would find.
Showing results for how do you know if you’re transgender
He read article after article, trans people documenting their realizations and journeys. And over and over they resonated far too much with him. Uncomfortable being called a boy. Uncomfortable in your body. Trying hard to be masculine to overcompensate for those odd feelings of wrongness. Tommy felt a pit grow in his- her ? stomach.
Tommy took a deep breath. TommyInnit is a streamer on twitch. She plays minecraft and she is very good at it. Her streams are often on the Dream SMP and she is very cool and very poggers.
Immediately, Tommy felt a bursting in… her. Her chest, like something trying to escape, yell to the world, I’m a girl, I’m trans, I’m a trans girl , scream it from the rooftops, loud and proud but the feeling is quickly shot down by the heartstopping realization that she would have to tell everyone.
She felt sick, seasick, but the sea is gender and the boat is her, but she’s on the boat, and this is a stupid analogy , and what will they say and what will they think and fuck what will the viewers think will they hate me they’ll hate me they’ll hate me
Tommy (Tommy? Do I like Tommy?) was curled a few nights later in a fetal position on her bed ( Deal with the name later deal with the tears now) sniffling quietly.
“I’m so fucking stupid,” she whispered, “so fucking stupid.”
You got yourself into this mess.
“Why the fuck did I have to…” she trailed off, staring into the shadows filling the corners of her room.
You’re going to lose all your viewers, the shadows hissed, all your friends. they’re all going to hate you.
No. No, they wouldn't hate me. Tommy reassured herself. You know what? Fuck you, I’ll prove it.
Tommy pulled her phone out of her pocket, navigating to her and Techno’s DMs. Deep breaths . How do I just… casually work this into a conversation? Hey, Techno, you know how I constantly call myself big man and and manly man and masculine man? Ok, well, surprise-
heyyy techno man i need a favor and i also need u to ask no questions please
I am suddenly very nervous
write a thing about me
like a paragraph describing me
but use she/her pronouns
should i still call you tommy?
TommyInnit is my streamer friend. She is very loud all the time. She’s also a child, and is like a little sister to me. Her streams are very cool and fun to watch and even though she can be very annoying and steals all my stuff I love and support her no matter what
Tommy stared at her phone, tears welling up in her eyes. She put down her phone for a moment, flapping her hands in pure happiness.
did i like
get it wrong
cause that would be rly awkward ngl
did u mean it?
that you’ll lvoe and support me no matter wahy
with all my heart
techno i'm a girl
it's weird but
i’m like 93 percent sure
should i use she/her pronouns? and a new name?
she/her pronouns yea but i'm still figuring out names
tommy def doesn't feel right
but idk what does
wait first off what abt on stream and stuff, should i still refer to you with he/him pronouns and second off if you want help looking for names i can toss some out there
yeah i’m,, not rly ready to come out on strwma yet so that would be great
and yes give me names mr english major man
alright how about Sally
why is your first suggestion the salmon wilbur fucked
idk it was the first thing that popped into my head
give me more names
i don’t like you
hey i’m just spitballing here
hm ava is a pretty name but i feel like AvaInnit just doesn't have the right ring to it
yeah i see what you mean
i googled girls names and google says “abigail klobuchar bessler” in a list of just first names would you like to be abigail klobuchar bessler
there goes my favorite streamer, abigailklobucharbesslerinnit,
you name like everything clementine how about clementine
ok see i
i get that you’re making fun of my naming skills here but
i really like that
no it really is a great name go for it
like it just feel right and it makes me rly happy
but also clementineinnit is not great
yeah that's true
idea: so you know how clementines are those little oranges
they're also called mandarins right
are you thinking what i’m thinking
don’t you dare
goddammit i actually kinda like how that sounds
i just. yeah
it's rly good
liek really really thank you
bc i kinda want another favor
will i regret saying anytime
you have given me courage and i now want to come out to the rest of the smp
which is probably stupid
but fuck it
but also i don't want to do it myself? so i was thinking maybe you could just quickly @everyone and be like “hey big t is a girl and uses she/her pronouns and her name is clementine”
give me a second to type it out
Clementine grinned and changed her nickname in the Dream SMP server to Mandarinnit (Clementine) and took a deep breath, preparing herself for what was to come.
@everyone hey y’all @TommyInnit is a girl and is now going by she/her pronouns and the name Clementine (not on stream though, continue to use he/him and tommy in public) and you will respect her or die by my axe
!! clem that's awesome!
hell yeah i’m very proud of her!
i have a little sister!! pog!!
Nihachu chu train
i’m so happy for her! and it’s great to have another girl on the server <3
i'm a gamer girl now!!
!! that's amazing and also mandarinnit is very clever kudos
thank you i came up with it all by myself
wait a minute
DOES THIS MEAN LESBIANINNIT IS REAL
yeAHHHHHH IT IS!!
FUCK YEAHH LESBIANINNIT
Clementine wiped tears from her eyes and laughed quietly at her friends. God, I’m so glad I found them.
I’m so glad I found myself.