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you're not you (but can we please pretend that you are?)

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“Hi Cas.” 


Castiel stands in the door, frozen, eyes roaming over the face of the man he’s missed for all of these weeks. Dean’s just standing there, his body relaxed, hand leaning against the doorframe. He’s smiling. It’s one of those smiles that Castiel’s always liked - the kind that reaches his eyes, making the skin around them crinkle. And his eyes… His eyes are just as green, just as beautiful as Castiel remembers. 


“Dean, is that-, are you-, is it really-?” 


“Yeah, Cas. It’s really me.” Dean interrupts, smile still intact on his face as he straightens up. “Are you gonna let me in?” 


“Yes, of course.” Castiel quickly steps aside, letting the man enter. “Where have you been all this time? Sam and I have been going mad, looking for…” He is eager to ask but something about the way Dean closes the door and then slowly walks to the middle of the room before stopping, back still turned to him, makes Castiel trail off. Frown. 


“Dean?” Castiel takes a careful step towards him. “Is everything alright?” 


At first, Castiel’s not even sure Dean’s heard him, with how still he’s standing. Castiel wants to go over there and make Dean look at him. He wants to embrace him, he wants to look into his eyes, smile back at him and make everything that Castiel thinks is hurting him disappear and he almost does, when...


“I’ve been out and about,” Dean then says and Castiel doesn’t even need him to turn around because he can feel it. 


But then Dean is turning around and Castiel sees it and then it washes over him like a wave. Dean’s smile isn’t kind anymore. It’s turned crooked, twisted, and it’s no longer reaching his eyes. And then he blinks and his beautiful green eyes, that Castiel has fallen so deeply in love with, turns black. A sickening, deep, dark, empty black. And that’s when every drop of blood in Castiel’s body runs cold and he’s wrapping his robe tighter around his body, every inch of his face hardening. 


“You’re not Dean.” He says and he’s reaching for his angel blade on the nightstand and Dean - or whoever this creature is - just laughs. 


“Oh, but there’s where you’re wrong, Cas.” He says and then he’s moving closer to Castiel and it isn’t until he’s so close that Castiel can smell the sulfur on him that he speaks again. “I am Dean. Buddy, I am as much Dean as the day you pulled me out of Hell.” 


Before he can say anything else, Castiel lifts up his blade and lunges at the man in front of him. This isn’t Dean, he thinks. It can’t be. 


He misses. Or rather, Dean moves, quickly - too quickly - and before Castiel even has time to reciprocate he’s flung to the other side of the room, effortlessly. He cries out when he hits the desk, feeling the chair completely breaking apart on impact. He gasps for air as he desperately tries to reach for the blade that has fallen not far from him but his attempts fall in vain when a foot swiftly kicks it away before stepping down on his hand - hard. Castiel swallows the cry that threatens to leave his throat and it takes everything in him to glance up at the man towering over him. 


Dean is smiling - smirking - down at him, that same twisted expression still present in his eyes. “What’s wrong with you?” He asks and he’s amused , Castiel notes. “You don’t usually back down from a fight, this easily.” 


Castiel wants to tell him to shut up, wants to tell him to get it over with but instead he’s overcome by a fit of coughing and even through his own coughs he can still hear the snort that escapes Dean’s mouth. 


“Oh, I see.” Dean says and then he’s crouching down beside Castiel, curling his fingers into the front of his robe and Castiel immediately retracts his now free hand, cradling it to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut for the next part. “You’re sick- No, you’re dying!”  He then says and Castiel can’t bring himself to look back up at him even when he feels a hand brushing the side of his face. 


“Cas.” He hears Dean say and it sounds so much like him that it almost makes Castiel’s eyes well up with tears but he refuses to open them. But then Dean punches him and this time Castiel can’t do anything to stop the cry of pain that leaves him. Coughing, he opens his eyes to find Dean - closer than before - still smiling that twisted smile at him. 


“Why are you here?” Castiel finds himself asking, his voice gruff and exhausted from the coughing. “What do you want from me?” 


“What?” Dean says, innocently. “You’re saying I can’t miss my favorite angel of the Lord?” 


The glare that Castiel gives him must’ve worked because the smile finally disappears from Dean’s face and instead he lets out a sigh. “Alright, sit up.” He says, gruffly, before yanking Castiel into a sitting position, giving the side of his face a little slap. Castiel watches him, warily as the demon stands up and starts pacing the room, slowly. Eerily.


“I’ve been thinking about you.” He says, dragging out his voice and it makes something in Castiel’s chest tighten. “How much you’ve done for me.” 


Castiel holds his breath when Dean stops his pacing and goes quiet as if he has to think about what to say next. Dean isn’t facing him but Castiel doesn’t have to see his face to know that that smile has found its way back to him - even if it is small. 


“I only did what had to be done.” Castiel says and regrets it instantly when Dean whips around to face him and the smile is still on his face but it’s gone tight and he looks almost… angry. 


“But you didn’t have to do any of it, did you, Cas?” He grits through his teeth and then he’s laughing again. A bitter, cold and not-at-all-like-Dean laugh. 


“You didn’t have to go against your orders and let me out of that room back then. You could’ve just waited it out, let Sam do his thing and then just left me to rot.” He says, cocking his head to the side. “I would’ve cracked eventually, you know. I would’ve said yes.” 


Castiel has to look away as the memory springs into his mind. He knows that Dean would’ve said yes, he’s painfully aware of the fact that Dean would’ve said yes. He almost did once and it was the angriest and most betrayed that Castiel had ever felt. When he looks back up again, Dean is right there, crouched in front of him, grinning. 


“But you didn’t. You let me talk you into setting me free, into rebelling against your people - against your own family.” Dean looks away to chuckle and Castiel so desperately wants to make him shut up. He so desperately wants to send this sorry son of a bitch back to hell. 


“And then you go around and start slaughtering your own ‘brothers and sisters’ because of some stupid course that I made you believe, which you also didn’t have to do.” 


It wasn’t a stupid course, Castiel wants to say. It was the right thing . We were doing the right thing , Castiel wants to scream at him. But he doesn’t. He just sits there, listening to this Dean talking himself hoarse with all the sacrifices Castiel’s ever made. 


“And then you go and get yourself killed. Twice, Cas. You got yourself killed for me twice. You didn’t have to do that either. Dean says and something in his voice makes Castiel frown because for the first time since he’s walked in here he actually sounds serious. Like there’s actually true meaning behind his words. And his eyes are looking into Castiel’s so deeply that Castiel thinks that maybe - just maybe - he can see just a tiny speck of the real Dean behind those oceans of green. But then Dean is standing up again and moves to sit down on the bed across from where Castiel is sitting. He leans forwards to rest his arms on his knees and his eyes are hard again, that speck of humanity Castiel thought he saw, gone. 


“You also didn’t have to steal Sam’s crazy away and go all cuckoo on us.” 


“I did that for Sam!” Castiel interrupts before Dean can say anything else. “I did that for Sam, not for you!” He repeats it, even though he knows that the demon doesn’t care, because it’s true. He’d done it for Sam because he was the one who broke his mind and he wanted to be the one to fix it. 


“Yeah, see, I don’t think that’s true,” is all Castiel hears and then Dean is right there again, so close that Castiel can smell the days of drinking on his breath, and he’s grinning so wide that if Castiel didn’t know better he’d be afraid that his face would split in two. “I think you couldn’t give a rats ass about Sam and the only reason you do is because I used to do the same.” 


Hearing Dean say it like that, like the thought of himself ever giving a damn about his own little brother was the single most ridiculous thing he could’ve ever done, that is what prompts the first sting of tears behind Castiel’s eyes and he squeezes them shut, because this truly isn’t Dean. Because Dean would always give a damn about Sam. Always. 


“Because it’s always been about me, hasn’t it Cas?” Dean says and that isn’t what makes Castiel open his eyes. It’s the fact that suddenly Dean’s hands are on both sides of his face, pulling him closer until their foreheads are touching and it’s warm, just like Castiel always imagined it to be. 


“And the funny thing about it, is that I used to not understand why.” Is the next thing Dean says and Castiel finds himself actually being afraid to hear the next words. 


“But I do now. I understand it perfectly.” 


Castiel expects to hear the demon laugh again but he doesn’t because then his lips are on Castiel’s and all Castiel wants to do is push him away but he can’t. He can’t because his body is weak and he’s so shocked that he can barely lift his arms and because… 


“It’s because this is what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it, Cas?” Dean says and then his lips are right back on Castiel’s, kissing him hard and Castiel tries to shake his head because this isn’t what he’s always wanted. Not like this. 


Dean’s hands then start moving downwards, caressing Castiel’s neck before finding their way underneath the collar of his robe and Castiel curses the shudder that runs through his body then. His fingers are warm and long and strong as they grab at Castiel’s damp skin and Castiel hopes that the way he tenses underneath them doesn’t give away the fact that he can’t control the stream of electrical lines that flows through his body with each touch. 


“It’s because you can’t get these green fucking eyes out of your head, can you, Cas?” Dean says as he moves to trail a line of kisses down Castiel’s neck and Castiel sighs, finally finding the strength to move his arms and he moves his hands to Dean’s shoulders and then he just grabs them, crumbling up the fabric that’s covering them in a desperate attempt to bring the man closer to him because fuck, he really couldn’t get those eyes out of his head. And then Dean’s arms are around him, hand’s sliding beneath the robe covering Castiel’s chest, pushing it aside and Castiel wants to swallow the whimper he lets out when he feels Dean’s hands roaming his back. 


“Shut up.” He breathes, voice barely above a whisper and he really isn’t surprised when he hears Dean laugh again. 


“He speaks!” Is all Dean says and then Castiel is being yanked up into a stand and he can do nothing else but hold onto Dean’s shoulders as he’s being pushed back against the desk behind them because he’s afraid that his legs will give out if he let’s go. Then Dean’s mouth is back on his own and this time Castiel is kissing him back because he just can’t help it. Because his hands and his chest and his lips still feel human, pressed up against Castiel like this and Castiel has been wanting to feel this for so long. Dean pushes a leg in between Castiel’s and Castiel has to steady himself with a hand on the desk behind them so he doesn’t fall backwards. He hadn’t even realized that he was hard before he feels Dean’s own erection pressed against his leg and he can’t help but wonder if Dean was hard when he was flinging Castiel across the room or when Castiel was being punched in the face or if it had started when he’d laid that first kiss on Castiel’s lips. 


“You know,” Dean mumbles as he’s brushing a finger over one of Castiel’s nipples and Castiel has to bite the inside of his lip to refrain from letting out a moan. He lifts up his head, stretching his neck when Dean ducks down to bite at the spot that connects the shoulder to the neck. “I thought I’d have to do more to get you to give into me.” 


Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, his free hand finding the back of Dean’s head, fingers sliding through his hair and then he’s pulling it as hard as he can, because he doesn’t want to hear it and it’s making Dean hiss and bite down harder at his shoulder and then Dean is pulling him by the arm and before he knows it he’s practically being thrown on the bed. Dean is above him immediately, and then his hand is on Castiel’s dick, stroking him through his boxers and Castiel wouldn’t be able to stop the moan he lets out even if he wanted to. 


“But look at you,” comes Dean’s voice, right by his ear and Castiel is afraid to turn his head and look because he’s afraid that what he’ll see will look too much like Dean and he has to remember that this isn’t Dean. “You’re already so hard for me.” 


Then Castiel is coughing again and his whole body is shaking with each cough. Dean is shushing him, lips locked right underneath his ear, kissing and sucking and his leg is being lifted so Dean can slide between them. Castiel is turning his head away, lifting his arm to cover his mouth and Dean just keeps shushing him and when he’s finally done with the coughing he hears the faint clink of Dean’s belt opening and then the sound of it hitting the floor and then Dean sits up to glance down at the man underneath him. 


“You can’t die on me now, man. Things are just about to get fun.” He says and Castiel watches the way he licks his lips and the way his eyes are darting up and down Castiel’s naked torso and how his eyes lingers when they fall on the bulge, currently tenting the fabric of Castiel’s boxers and before Castiel can think about what he’s doing he’s grabbing the front of Dean’s shirt and pulling him down into a kiss because he really just wants him to shut up.  


He doesn’t care about how he whines into Dean’s mouth when the front of their pants brushes together or how he has to gasp for air when Dean pulls away to pull off his t-shirt and throws it on the floor next to his outer shirt that Castiel doesn’t know when he’d taken off or even how quickly his hands find Dean’s chest and back to feel the naked skin there when Dean leans back down to kiss him again. He lets his hands travel Dean’s torso uninhibited, feeling how the muscles in Dean’s back shift when he rolls down, grinding their crotches together once more and he hears how Dean’s breathing becomes faster when Castiel’s fingers find the back of his pants and slide, along the rim, all the way to the front. Castiel can’t say he’s surprised when he finds the pants already unbuttoned but he is surprised when he hears Dean downright growl into his mouth when he finds the outline of his dick and cups it much like Dean had done to him and he’s even more surprised when Dean suddenly flips him and then he’s on his knees with his face pressed down into the pillow. 


“De-.” He begins but he stops himself because he constantly has to remind himself that this isn’t him and he refuses to let himself say his name out loud. 


“What’s that, Cas?” Dean counters as he tightens the grip he has on Castiel’s hair and Castiel shivers when Dean places a kiss on the back of his neck and can’t help but let out a gasp of breath when Dean pushes himself forcefully against his ass. “You’re gonna have to speak up there. I can’t hear you.” 


“You talk too mu-” Cas tries to say but his words are immediately drowned out by the startled ‘ah’ he lets out when Dean suddenly shoves his hand down the front of his boxers and wraps his fingers around his dick and he has press his face further into the pillow because the moans that he’s letting out when Dean starts stroking him are so loud that he almost feels ashamed. 


“There we go!” 


Castiel ignores Dean’s breathy laugh and squeezes his eyes tighter together as he feels his mind going blank with the sheer pleasure of bare contact and he almost doesn’t even feel the pain when Dean yanks his head to side, by his hair and then his fingers are in his mouth. 


“Suck.” Dean orders and Castiel is so far gone that he does so without an inch of shame left in his mind. He rolls his tongue around the fingers, coating them in saliva and then they're gone, just as quickly as they’d gotten there and then Castiel’s boxers are being yanked down and he can’t help but whine at the sudden lack of contact on his dick. But then he feels the fingers that were just in his mouth circling his hole and he’s right back to moaning. Dean is growling again, amused as he’s leaning over Castiel and his teeth are nibbling at Castiel’s ear, sending shivers all the way through Castiel’s spine. 


“You should see yourself.” He whispers and Castiel’s breath hitches in his throat. “You look so desperate lying there. Is that what you are? Desperate for me? For my cock?” 


Castiel keeps his mouth shut because he’s afraid that if he opens it up he’ll end up saying ‘yes’ to everything and in a desperate attempt to change the topic he pushes himself back against Dean’s fingers, wincing as the tip of one of them enters him. 


“Cas. Hey. Look at me.” Dean whispers and his voice is so soft that Castiel forgets who he’s talking to and he’s turning his head and when he opens his eyes Dean is there and he’s smiling at him and Castiel let’s out the breath he didn’t know he'd been holding and just when he thinks he’s about to smile back, Dean’s eyes are turning black again and then he’s pushing his finger all the way inside and Castiel cries out and if Dean is laughing Castiel can’t hear him. He’s too far down that same spiraling hole of shame because the demon tricked him and he let him do it and he wants to just delve in that and bury himself in it but Dean doesn’t give him the time before he’s moving his finger and Castiel can’t stop the cries leaving his mouth because it hurts.  


Then Dean is shushing him again but he isn’t slowing down and Castiel is fisting the sheets around him and just when the pain becomes bearable, Dean adds another finger and Castiel thinks it’s too much and he wants to get away but then Dean’s other hand is on his dick again and he’s pumping his hand up and down at the same time as he’s moving his fingers. 


“You’re okay.” Dean says and oh Castiel thinks as the pain mixes with pleasure and it’s an entirely new feeling and then his cries die down and he’s whimpering and Dean just keeps telling him that he’s okay. 


“Relax.” Dean tells him and then he’s adding a third finger but Castiel’s had enough and he reaches behind him to put a hand on Dean’s and Dean stops, much to Castiel’s surprise. 


“Just do it.” Castiel says and his voice is wrecked but he doesn’t care. He’s tired of waiting. It takes a moment for Dean to catch up but when he does, a toothy grin spreads across his face and then he’s leaning back, leaving a cold spot where he’d been leaning against Castiel’s back and then he laughs. 


“Whatever you say, big guy.” 


And then his fingers are gone and Castiel can hear the shuffling as Dean removes his own pants and he wants to look. He really wants to look but for some reason he just doesn’t and then Dean is pulling Castiel’s boxers off all the way and positioning himself behind him. Letting out a breath, Castiel pushes himself up onto his hands and it’s only then that he realizes that he’s shaking and he can’t figure out if it’s because he's nervous or because of the stolen grace inside of him, eating away at him but Dean doesn’t seem to care because then he’s pressing into Castiel and Castiel stops breathing because this hurts so much more. 


“Now, now, don’t go passing out on me.” Dean says and Castiel can hear how even he’s struggling to keep his voice calm now and then he’s all the way in and he growls and Castiel has to gasp because he’s so close to saying it. He’s so close to saying his name - to moaning it out and not caring anymore but he does. So he doesn’t. And then Dean is moving, slow and steady as he’s building up a pace and then he’s leaning down again, wrapping an arm around Castiel and Castiel can hear how his breathing has gone shaky and how every now and again he groans into Castiel’s shoulder. 


Castiel himself can barely control the sounds he’s making and his eyes are watering from the way he can feel himself being stretched out on Dean. He squeezes them shut because he refuses to let any tears fall. Not now. 


“Tell me how much you’ve wanted this.” Dean pants behind him and his voice is unsteady now. “Tell me how long you’ve been thinking about this.” 


Castiel doesn’t reply but it doesn’t seem to matter because Dean continues to babble, saying something new each time he thrusts into Castiel. 


“Tell me how many times you’ve wanted to lose your mind on my cock, Cas.”  


When Dean sneaks his hand up to grab Castiel’s shoulder and starts picking up his pace, it makes Castiel lose his balance and he has to steady himself on the headboard and he still isn’t replying to Dean because he can’t because he’s too busy controlling his breathing and because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how many times he’s thought about this or how many times he’s longed for the touch he’s receiving now or why he’s even allowing this to happen because this isn’t Dean. 


It takes Dean letting go of his hold on Castiel and then grabbing onto the headboard so he can thrust into him even harder, for Castiel to realize that he’s fucking back. That he’s somehow tuned into the pace that Dean was building and that they’re now moving together now, in perfect harmony and then he realizes that his cries of pain has turned into moans of pleasure and fuck. His grip on the headboard is loosening and when he finds that he can’t hold onto it anymore he just lets go and he’s falling head first into the pillow and he’s gripping the sheets again but this time it’s because he needs something to hold onto because if he doesn’t he thinks that he just might lose his mind. 


Then Dean is wrapping his arm around his shoulders and Castiel moans when he’s being yanked up from the pillow. Dean is groaning now and he's pulling Castiel back against him - growling with every thrust and if there ever was a time for Castiel to lose his mind it’s when Dean wraps his free hand around his already leaking cock and starts pumping.   


Castiel’s whole body tenses with pleasure and he thinks he might be going blind because his eyes are clouded and wet and just when he thinks he can’t take it anymore Dean slows down just enough to lean in so close that Castiel can feel the wetness of his breath on his ear. 


“Cas.” He whispers and his voice sounds so gruff. “It really is me.” 


And then Castiel is turning around because he can’t stand not facing him anymore and then he’s wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck, pulling him close and his legs are wrapping themselves around his hips and Dean seems to be on board with the idea because he’s wrapping his arms around Castiel as well and they’re so close. They’re so close and Castiel is finally, finally letting those tears fall and he’s making this weird sound that’s a moan mixed with a sob because he really wants to believe him. He really wants to believe that this truly is Dean. The real Dean. His Dean.


Dean just keeps fucking into him, his face hidden in Castiel’s shoulder and can feel his every breath on his skin and it’s sending shivers through his body and then all of the sudden he’s saying it. He’s saying it because he doesn’t care anymore and he’s saying it because he wants to and because he can’t help it. 




And then he says it again because now he can’t stop and he can feel Dean’s grip tighten around him each time he says it and it feels amazing. 




And Dean is picking up his pace again and Castiel can feel himself getting out of breath but Dean isn’t stopping and Castiel’s last attempt of saying ‘Dean’ is really more of a choked out whimper because Dean looks at him and his eyes are green and then Castiel’s coming.


He cries out, desperately holding on to Dean as he’s spurting between them, his entire body shaking and jerking but Dean isn’t slowing down for a second as he’s fucking him through it. Castiel’s eyes are rolling back into his head and Dean’s groans and pants and growls are becoming so intense and then Castiel thinks Dean is coming too, because he’s stopping and he’s biting down on Castiel’s shoulder, so hard that Castiel’s sure he’s drawing blood and then Dean is collapsing on top of him and they’re both panting. 


They’re still holding onto each other and Castiel intends on keeping it that way for as long as he can, even if he is tired and even if he can feel his body going numb beneath Dean's. 


“Well, who would’ve thought. An angel and a demon.” Dean says after a while and then he lets out a breathy chuckle but Castiel can’t bring himself to care because his mind is already slipping and then he’s falling asleep. 




When Castiel wakes up again, Dean’s gone and his phone is ringing. He feels like shit but he picks it up anyway. 


He doesn’t tell Sam about what happened, only that he misses Dean, which is the truth. 


Then Hannah shows up and he doesn’t tell her either, even when she’s asking about the fact that he’s naked. 


And when he’s getting dressed to go join Hannah on her quest he’s only sure of one thing. And it’s that he needs to find Dean again. It’s that he needs to get him back, even if it would be the last thing he ever did.