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be my starman?

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It was Friday.

And Fridays meant a party in the gryffindor common room.

Parties in the gryffindor common room meant alcohol.

Alcohol meant dancing.

Dancing meant Remus would spend another evening watching everyone have fun and let loose after a hard week, while he sat on the sofa, pining after his best friend.

And all of that meant that when he inevitably went upstairs at the end of the night, he’d be filled with regret and feel pathetic.

 

That’s why that particular Friday, he decided to just fuck it all.

For gods sake, just because he had fallen in love with someone who didn’t reciprocate his feelings didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to have fun

And just because that someone was dancing with a girl (rather inappropriately, really) right in front of him didn’t mean he had to mope, either.

Because, you see - no matter how sweet, caring and goofy Sirius Black could be with him - he was still... well, Sirius Black.

Sirius Black, whom half the girls (and probably quite a few boys) in Hogwarts would kill to be with. Sirius Black, whose aristocratic cheekbones and beautiful hair were by now something like a legend. Sirius Black, who loved flirting almost as much as he loved causing trouble, and never shied away from either. (Although to be fair, he never really did much more than just flirting)

So it’s safe to say, Remus Lupin was totally, utterly fucked and it wasn’t even his fault. One could only spend so much time around someone so charming and not lose his head. He simply didn’t stand a chance.

But it was also foolish getting any of his hopes up, that’s why - despite the sinking feeling in his stomach - Remus got up, looked away from the girl that had Sirius’ hands on her waist, and went to get himself a drink. Because that’s what he needed, he told himself.

He looked around the common room. Lily and James were off in some corner ‘arguing’, which was their weird, roundabout way of flirting. Pete was singing loudly and off-tune, standing on top of an armchair. Marlene and Dorcas were waltzing around the dance floor, pushing everyone away while making a pathway for themselves.

Remus realized that he was being ridiculous. He had all these people here, who were having a grand time, and he’d been wasting his chance to do the same by sulking for no reason.

Because he didn’t have a reason, not really. Sirius was his friend and that was all he would probably ever be. The least Remus could do was not be hung up about it.

As if listening to his thoughts, Frank Longbottom came sauntering over, two cups filled with some kind of punch in each hand and a stupid grin on his face.

He offered one to Remus, asking with mock seriousness, “Why are you standing here all alone, professor Lupin?”

The nickname referred to the study group Remus was leading that year. Frank was a year older, now in 7th year, but he sometimes came over to where Remus and others were studying in the library and either helped out or tried to learn something himself.

That lead to him and Frank becoming pretty good mates, always having something to laugh together about. Additionally, Remus was also quite fond of his girlfriend, Alice, with whom he sometimes spent time when he needed to get away from the marauders.

Remus smirked, “Ah, you know how it is, I’m just casually contemplating the meaning of life or something, like the intellectual I am.” he said sarcastically.

Frank barked a laugh and finished his drink, putting it down on the table next to them. “C’mon then, let’s get the monstrosity that is your brain off of whatever that’s on it and dance.” he said stretching out his hand, a mischievous glint in his eye.

Remus was still a bit skeptical, since that wasn’t really his area of expertise. Like, not at all.

Needing an excuse he raised an eyebrow, “Won’t Mrs. Longbottom get jealous over there?” he remarked, gesturing towards Alice, who was standing a few meters away.

“Nah, she understands her boyfriend’s only a man, so who is he to resist the beauty that is Remus Lupin.” Frank waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

A surprised laugh tore through Remus, making him throw his head back. He was so glad for the fact that even after he came out last year, his friends were still completely comfortable joking around like that with him.

And since tonight Remus was to have fun, with one last glance at Sirius and his partner - still clearly preoccupied - he pushed his stupid reasoning aside and decided to just let himself go for once.

“If you say so, Longbottom.” Remus said, downing the rest of his drink and setting it next to Frank’s.

And predictably, the lack of objections surprised Frank, but he took Remus’ hand nonetheless, sending him a wink and started dragging him towards the dance floor.

The unusual sight easily caught James’ attention, since Remus didn’t dance, ever, and he looked away from Lily (who by now was sporting a heavy blush) and whooped loudly, screaming something along the lines of ‘go get em tiger’.

Remus only had time to flip him the bird over his shoulder, before Frank clasped their hands together and started shimmying his hips obnoxiously.

Remus laughed at how ridiculous the situation was (because was he really about to dance ?), just as the previous song ended and the first notes of Miss you sounded out.

He started moving hesitantly, aware of the looks being thrown their way, but he refused to look up and check for himself who they were from.

 

‘I've been holdin' out so long

I've been sleepin' all alone

Lord, I miss you’

 

They were moving towards the middle of the room, dancing more and more exaggeratedly and - despite the fact that Remus wasn’t one for being the centre of attention - he was having a blast.

 

‘Oh everybody waits so long

Oh baby, why you wait so long?

Won't you come on, come on’

 

At that point he and Frank were unabashedly screaming the lyrics at each other, swaying their hips and making big gestures with their joint hands.  He felt careless and his cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

That is, until he noticed a figure stepping off the dance floor somewhere to his left, with a stormy expression. Remus only briefly registered Sirius making his way towards the staircase and the next moment, the boy had already disappeared upstairs. Which to be honest, quite put a damper on Remus’ good mood.

Frank must have noticed the change in Remus’ demeanor, because he hurriedly asked,

“Hey, all’s good, yeah?” he looked into Remus’ eyes, making sure to swing him in the opposite direction of the stairs. “Don’t cut your fun short cause of him again. Who knows what crawled up his ass now,” he looked so earnest in his words, that Remus reluctantly agreed.

Because apparently, it was pretty obvious why Remus reacted the way he did. It wasn’t the first time it happened, either, and Frank seemed to have known that.

Soon, someone changed the record to Fleetwood Mac and they continued to goof around for a while, singing way too loudly for it to be enjoyable for anyone but themselves.

And Remus was having fun, he really was, but something about Sirius storming off like that rubbed him the wrong way.

Because why on earth was Sirius cross that Remus, for once, was having a good time. Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with me , he reasoned in his head. But then, it was pretty unlikely that these two things just coincidentally happened at the exact same moment.

For fucks sake.

Finally, Remus cracked, “Oi, Longbottom, I’m really sorry, but I need to go to the loo.” he sighed, stilling their dance a little. “Thank you,” he mumbled, after which he extracted himself and started heading after his friend, not waiting to see the expression of understanding that inevitably showed upon Frank’s face.

Because Remus Lupin was a weak, weak man and no matter what Sirius did, or how petulant he was being, Remus could never stand him being upset. So naturally, he had to go and check what was up with him.

To be fair, that didn’t mean he wasn’t annoyed. Because he was. Quite a lot really. (He didn’t take the time to reflect whether he was more annoyed with Sirius or himself, though.)

So, grumbling under his breath, he made his way through the sea of pissed gryffindors and headed upstairs to the boys’ dormitories.

Upon reaching the entrance to their shared room, he he stilled for a moment. You can’t just be here on his beck and call, he tried to remind himself, but then he remembered the angry pout and how it should never appear on Sirius’ beautiful face, and putting away the logic just pushed the door open.

The sound of Remus coming in startled Sirius, who was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, his knee jittering. He looked up at the other boy and muttered in a stilted voice, “Hello,” and put his head back down.

“Umm,” Remus started “Hi.” He made his way towards his own bed, next to Sirius’, and sat down facing the raven-haired boy.

When Sirius didn’t make another move, he added, “So... what’s up? I though you were having fun,” he trailed off. He suddenly had no idea what his plan was coming up here.

After Sirius gave him an affirmative hum, he continued, “Are you... feeling poorly?”

Sirius just shook his head.

Remus felt some of his previous annoyance seep back in, because if Sirius was just going to sit there, without even trying to cooperate, then he might as well go back down.

He moved to stand up, when a hand shot out and caught his knee in an awkward fashion, since that was the only thing Sirius could reach from his position.

He’d finally looked up at Remus, his eyes pleading. “Don’t.” he whispered. With a huff, Remus sat back down.

“Then tell me what the fuck your problem is, Sirius, because I’m not going to sit here like this all night.” His voice was progressively getting louder and sharper. “If you hadn’t noticed - which you probably hadn’t since you were gone with that girl and haven’t said a word to me all night - I was having a really decent time. For once in my fucking life I was having fun and you just had to get all fussy about it.” he finished, his voice too loud than necessary by that point.

For a moment, Sirius looked like he had been kicked, retracting his hand from Remus’ leg back to his own lap, but then something in his face changed and the expression he wore was unreadable, closed off.

“Well, I didn’t ask you to come up here after me, did I?” he asked, the volume of his voice matching Remus’. He stood up abruptly to stomp over to the centre of the room. “If you were having such a grand time, then please, don’t let me stop you. Go back there to your dancing. ” his voice turned mocking.

Remus was taken aback. It’s not like he and Sirius never fought, both their strong characters clashing quite frequently, but something about his friends’ expression seemed different this time. Frustrated. Hurt, almost.

He stood up as well, marching over to stand in front of Sirius, “What the hell, Padfoot?! Why are you being like this?” he questioned. “You were dancing, too!” he added in an accusing tone. What exactly was he accusing him of, he had no idea. This whole thing was getting really confusing.

That comment seemed to catch Sirius off-guard, as his mouth opened and closed a couple of times, “Well yeah, but-“ he stopped. “It’s different, because-“

This time Remus cut him off, “How is it different?! Why is it different?!” he was gesticulating with his hands, trying to relieve some of his now agitated energy. “ Why on earth would it even be a problem for you?” he added after a moment of no response.

“It’s just,” Sirius ran a frustrated hand over his face, then gripped the back of his hair, looking up at Remus. “You don’t dance.” he stated.

At that, Remus could only gape. Because what ?!

His jaw was hanging open, before he seemed to get ahold of at least some of his brain again and repeat, “What?” only this time aloud.

“You don’t dance.”

“Well, clearly I do, since that’s what i was doing, like, fifteen minutes ago,” Remus couldn’t even get his voice to sound annoyed anymore, now only confused.

Sirius scowled and moved to sit on his bed again. “ clearly ,” he parroted back under his breath.

Remus was still standing with his hands limp by his sides, his mouth agape. Merlin, he thought. He had no clue what was going on.

“Sirius,” he started hesitantly, moving slowly to sit back opposite him. “Are you- are you cross , because I... dance?” The lack of understanding was now obvious in his voice.

Sirius looked up at him and groaned, as if his explanation had made perfect sense and Remus was just being particularly daft.

“No, Moony,” he stated “I am cross, because you don’t dance.

Now, this made even less sense, so Remus was stuck looking for an answer in Sirius’ grey eyes, trying not to get distracted by how clear they looked, or how beautifully framed they were by his eyelashes, or- Merlin, get a grip. This whole thing was bizarre enough without him waxing lyrical about Sirius.

“I-“ he attempted to say something, but nothing came to mind so he just repeated again, “what?”

Sirius was now leaning forward, elbows on his knees, and looking straight at Remus as he said, “You never dance. And you danced tonight. With Frank Longbottom. ” He still sounded put out as he said it.

The eye contact was getting a bit much for Remus, so he only responded with a breathless “okay”, even though he was still clueless as to what Sirius was getting at.

When after a few moments of pointless staring at each other Sirius finally broke and looked away, running a frustrated hand through his hair, Remus finally felt like he could breathe again.

“Goddamnit, Remus!” Sirius exclaimed, before he abruptly got up from his bed, bent down to Remus’ eye level, grabbed him by the back of his neck and smashed their lips together.

The kiss was awkward, since Remus was completely frozen and unmoving, Sirius was in an uncomfortable position - just hovering there - and both of them had their eyes open.

After a few seconds Sirius pulled away quickly and sat down heavily next to Remus, panting slightly and looking straight ahead of himself.

Remus was still too stunned to say anything, so he only turned his head to look at the other boy. Sirius really was gorgeous and in this low, evening light, with the moon dancing over his features, he looked unreal. Ethereal.

And he had just kissed Remus.

Just as Remus decided he had gathered enough courage to finally speak up, Sirius sighed beside him, still not looking away from the spot he was observing.

“You never dance. Every week you sit on the couch and observe everyone having fun. Whenever I asked you to dance-“

“I wouldn’t say you ever asked me to dance ,” Remus interrupted, remembering the few times Sirius had ever called for him to join, laughing and drunk.

“Whenever I asked you to dance,” Sirius continued, ignoring him. “you always said no. So I thought you didn’t dance. But apparently you do. With Frank Longbottom.

After a while Remus responded, “So you’re mad I danced with Frank? He has a girlfriend.” he said matter-of-factly.

Sirius sighed again then suddenly turned his head to Remus, eyes boring into his, and said quietly in a rush, “I’m mad you didn’t dance with me.

Neither of them able to look away, they just sat there, staring at each other, faces mere centimeters away, and not speaking a word.

That is, until Remus stood up and, turning his back to Sirius, made his way to the turntable standing on the drawer a few strides away.

He rummaged through the records that were set next to it, searching for a particular one, still not looking back to assess the situation.

He wasn’t exactly sure what to make of what Sirius had said. Nor of what he had done. So Remus settled on doing the first thing that came to his mind and hoped that it wouldn’t cause a disaster.

After a moment he found the record he was looking for and put it on, trying to set it the way he wanted.

When he succeeded and the starting tunes of Starman sounded through the previously painfully quiet room, Remus finally turned back around.

 

‘Didn't know what time it was

The lights were low

I leaned back on my radio’

 

He slowly walked over to Sirius, who was now the one sitting with his mouth agape, his eyes wide and unblinking as he followed every movement Remus was making, obviously in shock.

With a timid smile, Remus held out his hand. Sirius only looked at it, then back at Remus’ face, then back at the hand again. He seemed at loss for words. Or at loss for everything, really, at that moment.

 

‘There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'd blow our minds’

 

“C’mon then, dance with me,” Remus said, shaking the hand a little exaggeratedly. Sirius was still stunned so Remus added, with a smirk, “ Be my Starman?

Somehow, that was what it took to break Sirius out of his trance and he momentarily beamed up at Remus, clasping their hands and getting to his feet.

As David Bowie sang in the background, the two boys started swaying to the beat.

Remus’ hands reluctantly moved to Sirius’ waist, careful not to do anything out of line. In response Sirius’ grin only widened and he locked his arms around Remus’ neck, his thumb rubbing the skin there.

Remus smiled softly at him, looking deep into his eyes. The atmosphere around them was thick, loaded with something unexplainable. Something Remus couldn’t pin down.

They continued dancing, though now a little off-beat, a little too slow. His gaze quickly flickered to Sirius’ lips in what he hoped was a sly manner, but when he looked back up, Sirius’ eyes were surprisingly (or not really) locked on his own mouth.

When Sirius started inching closer slowly, Remus mirroring the action, their gazes met once again.

And it was everything .

All the thoughts seemed to have evaporated from Remus’ mind and nothing else in the world existed, apart from the boy stood in front of him.

They smiled at each other softly, before moving those final few centimeters and closing the gap between them, pressing their lips together in what was probably the most ideal kiss Remus could imagine.

And it was still a tad awkward, since they continued their attempt to dance and their swaying was now really uncoordinated,

And they still weren’t sure what exactly this meant, what it entailed, how it would change things,

But somehow their bodies fit together perfectly and it just worked , so they carried on trading all the words yet to be said and all the things yet to be done, and all the emotions yet to be felt, in the best and only way they knew.

 

‘He told me

Let the children lose it

Let the children use it

Let all the children boogie’