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it will never change me and you.

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Tsukishima knew. Knew that one day he’ll have to face his biggest nightmare come true. And it did. Kuroo doesn’t love him anymore.

 

He wonders what may have gone wrong, where they went wrong. No. Where he went wrong.



Back when they were in high school, it felt too magical for him to be real. Tsukishima had never really expected them to last long, really. He wasn’t the type of guy one would like to stay longer than needed. It was all fun and games until…

 

He's fallin', doesn't even know it yet.

 

On the long run of their relationship, Tsukishima doesn’t realise how much he’s in love with the other, doesn’t realise how much it would hurt if Kuroo decided to leave him, doesn’t realise how much it will hurt if the guy he’s so much in love with falls out of love.



Tsukishima has been observing a few things since the last six months. Things are not quite the same. How Kuroo would come home late at night from work, drunk. Sometimes it would be past midnight and when Tsukishima went to help him, he’d scream at him. Such awful things leave his mouth that he’ll forget the next day he’ll wake up but Tsukishima can’t.

 

All those love gestures and teasings stopped coming. Maybe because Tsukishima took them for granted or simply because Kuroo fell out of love. When they talk less and less everyday, Tsukishima thinks if they’re drifting apart.

 

The couple no longer spent time together, no dates during the weekends, no hand holding under table when they visited Bokuto and Akaashi’s house, no slow dancing in the living room during a rainy night. When Kuroo would come home late and make sweet sweet love to him, Tsukishima lets him. He thinks if it's all that is left between them.

 

Sweet night turns bitter when Tsukishima wakes up to find the space beside him empty the next morning. He falls back asleep, pillow wet under his cheeks. Kuroo doesn't wait for breakfast, Tsukishima wonders if his pancakes tasted that bad.

 

Movin' too fast, moon is lightin' up his skin

 

He might be dumb to fall so deeply but he knew how to connects the dots. The night Kuroo comes home with a rich floral fragrance lingering on his shirt, Tsukishima asks him about it. A colleague he had said. The night when it was raining like crazy and Kuroo doesn’t come home, Tsukishima doesn’t ask anything.

 

He could’ve at least texted him. Tsukishima had come home early that day, hoping Kuro would do too and eat dinner together, the dinner Tsukishima had made.

 

Kuroo doesn’t notice the burn the blond is adorning on his left wrist.



Tsukishima had hoped for a small wedding between their friends and family. He wanted it on the beach just how Kuroo would’ve loved it. But was that even possible anymore? He didn’t know.

 

Chasing it tonight, doubts are runnin' 'round his head,

 

Was it his face that Kuroo didn’t like anymore? If that’s the case then they wouldn't be together in the first place. Tsukishima always thought Kuroo liked him for his heart, for who he was. So then something must have changed in him that Kuroo doesn’t like. He could’ve just told him, Tsukishima is ready to change himself for the man he loved. “Just- just love me back again.”

 

It was his fault for hoping for something big with Kuroo when he was so pathetic. Tsukishima chuckled as he saw himself in the bathroom mirror. Too skinny, too pale, too tall, rude, asshole, ugly, pathetic and the list of flaws continued. He looked at the dark circles under his eyes and then drew a big ‘UGLY’ with a red marker and sobbed. He didn’t deserve Kuroo.

 

The radio of his car played a song, one day while Tsukishima was driving back from the convenience store.

 

We're only gettin' older, baby

And I've been thinkin' about you lately

Does it ever drive you crazy

Just how fast the night changes?



Same old Tsukishima but not the same Kuroo. Indeed, just how fast the night changes.

 

-

 

Tsukishima wore a new outfit today. He decided if Kuroo won’t tell him then he’d just leave. No he won’t take his belongings with him because every piece of clothing he had, reminded of the places he visited with Kuroo.

 

He grabbed his phone and wallet, let his feet carry him anywhere, not that it matters where now, with the lyrics from the song earlier still stuck in his mind.

 

We're only gettin' older, baby



Tsukishima could recognize the familiar bed head anywhere, he couldn’t mistake it for anything else in the world. Therefore he had no doubts when he saw his boyfriend across the street, inside a ring store with a blond woman. 

 

And I've been thinkin' about you lately

 

Before his mind could process, he was already on the road, eyes fixed at only them. A sense of betrayal and insecurity flashed over him. He knew it but why did it hurt so much more when he saw it? Everything happened within a blink of an eye.

 

Does it ever drive you crazy?

 

Kuroo looked at him from the store in horror, his ears burning with a stinging sound, a sharp pain in his abdomen and whole body. The moment he suddenly felt like he was lying, lying on the hard surface of the road, Tsukishima brought up a hand over his forehead to see red liquid covering his palm when retreated. Having no regrets is all that he really wants. And so he looked up only to see the man he loved more than he loved himself for the last time. To see him smile for the last time is what he really wants.

 

Just how fast the night changes?

 

Kuroo was held back by the crowd as he cried and desperately tried to reach Tsukishima. “PLEASE HE’S MY BOYFRIEND LET ME GO!” Finally being released, Kuroo ran and ran until he had the blond tightly to his chest, sobbing while he caressed Tsukishima’s face, “Kei, baby-...please stay with me…”

 

Tsukishima rolled open his eyes, “T-Tetsu..” he said as he struggled to take in air and stay conscious, “I love you...I love you so much.”

 

“Oh no Kei! You’re going to live and tell me you love me more!”

 

“I love y-you, Tets-” Tsukishima began to cough out blood, eyes already on the verge of closing. He clutched at Kuroo’s shirt, making it red with blood, as he gasped for air.

 

“No! Moonshine please!” Kuroo screamed and cried until his throat was hoarse and dry. By the time the ambulance was here, Tsukishima was long gone.

 

Everything that you've ever dreamed of

Disappearing when you wake up.



***

 

One day after Tsukishima’s funeral, his elder brother had handed a letter to Kuroo that he found on the table by the bed of their room. It was a letter from Tsukishima. Though he’s brother didn’t read it and Kuroo appreciated Akiteru for respecting his privacy.

 

Eyes red rimmed and tired, Kuroo opened the door once he was home. A home which no longer felt warm. He could hear Kei’s giggles every corner he went. He opened the envelope that had his name written on it, 'Tetsu'. Few words were smudged with what he guessed was water. Kuroo wondered if those are tear stains.



Dear Tetsu,

I wish you could’ve told me. It would have hurt less if you did rather than keeping it to yourself and letting me find out. I know I’m not loveable but you didn’t really have to prove it because I already knew. I was the one who got my hopes high between us. I fell for you in a type of love where there is no going back when you have fallen out of love. I am ready to change for you. Anything. Just love me back again, even if you are in love with someone else. I don’t remember the last time you called me your moonshine, I just wanted to hear you calling me that one last time before I left. Even if you change, but there's nothing to be afraid of even when the night changes, it will never change me and you .

 

Love, Kei.



Kuroo felt like slapping himself. Too caught up about his job and he hadn’t realised Kei was hurting. He came drunk every night and said harsh things to his moonshine which he endured it all without saying anything in return. Kei blamed himself for all of these, he was even ready to change himself for Kuroo.

 

He wanted to talk to Kei and make matters better the day he realised that things were off between them but he was always too busy with work and barely had time to talk to his lover. Kuroo even thought of proposing soon and so talked to one of his colleagues to help him choose a ring. He patiently waited for Kei to fall asleep at night to measure the blond’s ring size without trying to wake him up. Kei had taken it the wrong way.

 

The day his meeting ended so late that his phone ended up dead during a heavy downpour in their city. He spent the night at Bokuto and Akaashi’s apartment. The next day he went home to find Kei already sound asleep and so couldn’t settle for a proper apology. When he saw the untouched meal on their dining table and the slight burn on Kei’s wrist, his heart ached. He kissed the man’s wrist and forehead before sleeping that night, wishing everything to be better.

 

Does it ever drive you crazy

Just how fast the night changes?

The day he finally decided to buy the ring with the help of his colleague and propose to Kei just so that they spend the rest of their lives together, he lost Kei. Kei wasn’t coming back to this world. And he wasn’t too.

 

Everything that you've ever dreamed of

Disappearing when you wake up

But there's nothing to be afraid of

Even when the night changes

It will never change me and you.



                 

                    THE END