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Ajax's List: 213 Things Ajax is Not Allowed to Do in the Fatui

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  1. I’m not allowed to play cards when I’m supposed to be working.
  2. I am not allowed to use a Cryogunner’s backpack to create ice cream.
  3. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
                3a. Even if the Fair Lady has them.
                3b. It is not recommended to ask where the Fair Lady got hers. 
  4. Stop insisting that our masks prove that we are more advanced hilichurls.
  5. Must not challenge any Harbinger to a duel for their rank.
  6. Don’t tell other newbies to eat the yellow snow.
  7. Do not call any Harbinger amoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if I’m right and not in earshot.
  8. Not allowed to line a superior officer’s waterskin with Jueyen chili powder.
  9. Dottore is the Doctor, he is not Some Dotty Old Fucker.
  10. Not allowed to sing Queen in the presence of the Balladeer.
  11. Licking something does not mean it’s mine.
  12. I am not allowed to ask the Balladeer to borrow his hat during a rainstorm.
  13. Must not use skirmisher gear to ‘squish’ things.
  14. The appropriate response for my superior officer is “Yes, Commander,” not “Aye-aye, Captain”, “Yaaaaar”, “Of course milady,” “No shit, Sherlock”, “Fuck off, Watson”, “Okay Boomer,” or “Harder.”
  15. I am not allowed to trade my Vision for any of the following: dandelion wine, whiskey, a real pony, the frilliest dress imaginable, your older brother, your older sister, the Tsaritsa’s lingerie, nightmares, a book of dirty limericks, or the Balladeer’s hat.   
            15a. This also includes sexual favors even when I am of age.
  16. Sexual flavors do not exist.
  17. I should not teach fellow recruits obscene phrases in Snezhnayan under the pretense of teaching them useful phrases.
  18. Not allowed to bum cigarettes off of the Lady’s recruits, even when I’m an adult.
  19. I am not a high priest of the Abyss and I can not threaten people with ‘heretical Abyss teachings’ to prove my claim.
  20. I am not allowed to mention things I have seen in the Abyss to make ‘references’ to things that no one else will understand.
  21. I am not a magical boy.
  22. I am not allowed to spend more than two hours a day bragging about my siblings.
  23. Banned from the kitchen when we are on field exercises.
  24. I am not allowed to simp for anyone besides the Tsaritsa within the earshot of the Tsaritsa.
                24a. I'm not allowed to describe it as "simping" for the Tsaritsa.
  25. He is the Balladeer, not the Brat in the Hat.
  26. We do not have mommy issues.
  27. The Pyroslinger’s gear is not to be used for roasting marshmallows.
  28. Agents’ sacrificial knives are not toys.
  29. I am not allowed to smoke mist grass, it is for the Cicin mages.
  30. Cicins are friends, not food.
                30a. They can not be killed with a flyswatter.
                30b. No, I can’t prove that.
  31. The appropriate response to orders is to do them, not “Make me.”
  32. Not allowed to trade Fatui insignias for starconches.
  33. It is illegal to purchase candy for children using Fatui funds.
  34. The Harbingers are not garden gnomes under the Delusion they are actually people.
  35. Delusions are not a plaything and I can not borrow one to play marbles.
  36. If it makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it.
                36a. This is cumulative, not continuous.
  37. I am not allowed within the city limits of Mondstadt and I know why.
  38. Not authorized to change national policy in Fontaine.
  39. Burn pits for classified documents are not revel fires and therefore it is not appropriate to dance naked around the fire singing hymns to the Tsaritsa.
  40. I am not allowed to purposefully use fire to demonstrate contempt for a fellow recruit.  A letter works just fine.
  41. Not allowed to create a sword out of Hydro to disprove “The Pen is Mightier than the sword.”
  42. “A Fatui mask, a Vision, a scarf, and nothing more” is not an authorised uniform.
  43. I am not allowed to fist fight my peers over a debate over which one is “the gay ear.”
  44. Not allowed to play marbles with people’s Visions.
  45. I am not allowed to secretly dilute my superiors’ alcohol. 
  46. Not allowed to start a child militia.
  47. Not allowed to join a child militia.
  48. I am not allowed to desecrate other countries’ Statues of the Seven, even if it’s funny.
  49. Must not ask any of the Harbingers if they are Delusional.
  50. Pancake Week is not a valid reason to request the week off, even if it’s a Tsaritsa-sanctioned holiday.
  51. The Rooster is the Fifth Harbinger, not the Seventh.
  52. Dyeing my skin the appropriate colors is not a uniform.
  53. I am not allowed to use my Vision to cause a ‘potty emergency’ in a fellow Fatui operative.
  54. I am not authorised to fire agents.
  55. Never, ever, attempt to correct the Balladeer about anything on the basis of ‘looking older than him.’
  56. Not allowed to accept a foreign soldier’s superior officer in trade for cookies.
                56a. Not even if it’s my mom’s recipe.
  57. I am not allowed to refuse to follow orders on the grounds of them being “child endangerment.”
                57a. This includes refusing on the basis of ‘adult endangerment’ as well.
  58. I am to respond with “Operative Ajax, reporting for duty”, not “YOU CAN’T PROVE A THING.”
  59. I am not allowed to fight a polar bear.
                59a. I am not allowed to attempt to adopt a polar bear cub.
                59b. I am not allowed within 50 meters of any kind of bear.
  60. War crimes are not funny.
                60a. The Fontainian Conventions are not a bucket list 
  61. Not allowed to chew with my mouth full in front of my fellow recruits and calling it seafood.
  62. It is a bad idea to dare someone to lick their knife in the middle of the Sneznhayan winter.
  63. I am no longer allowed caffeine.
  64. I can not arrest Grandmothers for being rude.
  65. “You cannot defeat the ocean in a fight” is not a challenge.
  66. I am not allowed to bait fresh Fatui recruits into fighting me.
                66a. Even if it’d teach them some humility.
  67. We use drums to wake up people, not singing opera at the top of my lungs.
  68. Friendly fire is never acceptable even if they are “really annoying.
  69. ███████████████████████████████████████████████████████
  70. “It is better to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Operative Ajax.
  71. I am not allowed to hit the ‘nae-nae’ whenever I join public performances. 
               71a. Nor am I allowed to ‘whip it’.
  72. I am not allowed to educate my fellow Fatui recruits as to what a ‘nae-nae’ is.
  73. My commanding officer is not interested in why I have a wolf pelt, a jar of slime condensate, a wooden pole, a box of mist grass extract, and a bundle of onions under my bunk.
  74. Just because you dislike the Balladeer does not make him a ‘Boomer.'
               74a. Nor are you allowed to call him ‘old man’ if you have a will to live.
  75. I am not allowed to tell my commanding officer to “draw me like the Fair Lady.”
  76. Not allowed to train goats to headbutt commanding officers.
  77. I am not to call people from Fontaine ‘frogs’. 
  78. I'm not allowed to address the Fair Lady as ‘Lasagna’ in order to provoke her into fighting me.
  79. Frozen limbs are not toys or weapons.
  80. The Fatui Anemoboxers are not a ‘bunch of blowhards.’
  81. Zombies do not exist.
                81a. Hopping zombies do not exist and I am wrong to believe the Liyue operatives about it.
  82. I am not allowed to replace my comrades’ water with vodka in their waterskins.
  83. No longer to play “Hot or Not: Archon Edition.”
  84. Historical artifacts are not to be ‘yote’. 
  85. When someone asks me what defenestration means, I am not allowed to offer to give them a demonstration.
  86. I am not to single handedly overthrow a noble with a dull, rusty, butter knife and a horseshoe.
               86a. I am not allowed to overthrow nobles without prior approval from my Harbinger. 
  87. Close only counts in horseshoes and Pyro Visions.
  88. Not allowed to disclose classified information to my family in my letters to home.
  89. I am not allowed to make a bootleg distillery in the barracks showers for profit. 
  90. No part of the Fatui uniform, mask included, is edible.
  91. I am not allowed to ask the Balladeer if it is “that time of the month”. 
  92. I am not allowed to attempt to create a multi-level marketing company within the Fatui.  
  93. Can’t steal from the quartermaster and sell the stuff at a premium.
  94. I am not allowed to call ‘dibs’ on an Archon.
                94a. Even if the Fair Lady definitely has called dibs on the Tsaritsa.
  95. Past lives have no effect on the chain of command. 
  96. I am not allowed to get hammered on special ops missions. 
  97. I am not allowed to make an edible version of my mask to eat when I need emergency rations.
  98. When dealing with trauma, telling someone to ‘let it go’ is not appropriate advice.
  99. Can’t keelhaul someone while on a voyage.
  100. I am not allowed to attempt to yeet the Balladeer 
                100a. I am not allowed to touch the Balladeer.
                100b. I am not allowed within 100 meters of the Balladeer.
  101. I am never allowed near any Fatui files without supervision ever again. 
  102. I am not to recreate the legend of my namesake by fighting a river. 
  103. I am not allowed to test the limits of the Fatui’s dress code.
  104. Getting them “drunk as fuck” is not the correct name for interrogating someone in a bar.
  105. Overkill is not the answer to everything.
  106. If I can’t say it in someone’s earshot, I can’t say it out of their earshot either.
                106a. This does not allow me to keep my mouth shut if it’s information relevant to my current mission.
  107. Creating a betting pool on which Harbinger is going to die next is in bad taste.
  108. You can not reach Celestia using a catapult.
  109. The Fatui can not adopt every orphan in Snezhnaya and I can’t try.
  110. Pinkie promises are not a valid way to seal a document.
  111.  Not allowed to tell other Fatui factions that the Rooster lays eggs.
  112. The Doctor’s recruits are not to be called ‘lab rats.’
  113. I can’t taunt Fatui scholars with Abyss teachings if I don’t want to share what happened in there.
  114. The appropriate response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think.”
  115. Briefings do not need audience participation to ‘spice it up.’
  116. The Captain’s faction members are not “seamen.”  
  117. Nor does the Captain want to just stand there and look at “his privates.”
  118. Do not submit after-action reports in blood. It’s unsanitary.
  119. Must not taunt the local law enforcement anymore.
  120. The Tsaritsa's ballroom is not for ice skating.
  121. Hardtack is your field ration, not a fire starter.
  122. I am not allowed to make people damp so they freeze when they exit the building 
  123. Burning your superiors’ alcohol is not an appropriate way to warm up when cold.
  124. Pyroslinger Skirmisher gear is not to be used as a space heater.
  125. It is inappropriate to send Agents to collect debts from people who owe me money from bets.
  126. Nailing dead birds to doors—bad idea.
  127. I am not allowed to “make an offer you can’t refuse” to the Fatui’s debtors.
  128. Intimacy Chicken is not fair if you’re already into your opponent’s gender.
  129. Can’t teach local children how to misspell Snezhnaya and paint it on the local HQ.
                129a. No correcting their spelling either and letting them do it anyway.
  130. If something doesn’t fit, I am not supposed to sit on it to make sure it does.
  131. Stop comparing blood splatters to my grandmother’s jam.
  132. I am not allowed to frame fellow operatives in the same faction as me.
  133. “You make the Tsaritsa cry,” while true, is not a form of encouragement.
  134. Take that scarf off.
  135. Singing “This is the Song that Doesn’t End” while on watch is permanently banned.
  136. Sitting on someone’s shoulders does not combine my strengths with theirs.
  137. I am not to cut a hole into the ice, dive down, and emerge from someone’s ice fishing hole.
  138. While there is a higher percentage of gender-nonconfirming Fatui agents in the Rooster’s faction, we are not all ‘eggs’ about to crack.
  139. I am not to sabotage the Fair Lady’s faction’s dresses ten minutes before presentation of the troops.
  140. Not allowed to tell new recruits to go find the elusive Scarlet Moose.
  141. I can’t volunteer people for the Doctor’s experiments.
  142. Constellations are not people’s destined battle mounts and I am wrong to convince the new recruits this.
  143. No lining spyglasses with mascara and handing it to others.
  144. “You only live once” is not an appropriate battle cry.
  145. Body checking Harbingers is not a good idea.
  146. Geochanter staves are military tools and are not to be used for back massages.
  147. Battle cries are not necessary when carrying out orders.
  148. I am not allowed to say “If I am lying, may the Tsaritsa strike me down.”
  149. Violence is not an appropriate response to someone mistaking my constellation as a ‘toothy sea sausage.’
  150. I am not allowed to taunt Abyss Mages by calling them “overstuffed rabbit men.”
  151. I am not allowed to call Fatui agents “emo” for wearing almost all black.
  152. While they are nice hats, I am not allowed to steal fellow operatives’ hats.
  153. A plan that leads to you losing your hat is not a very bad plan.
  154. Playing the game in which one person whispers an embarrassing word and the next person says it louder and the third louder until you are shouting at the top of your lungs is banned during city operations.
  155. An order to sweep the floor is to be performed with a broom, not with my Hydro Vision.
  156. I am not the Snow Guardian, Guardian of the Snow.
  157. I am not to purposefully repeat actions that send me to the medic.
  158. Food utensils are not appropriate to use as a template for weapons.
  159. The word ‘Fandango’ is banned outside of dance practice.
  160. I am not to imply that the Fatui gunners are overcompensating for something.
  161. When teaching new recruits how to polish their boots, I am not allowed to teach the “bootlicking method.” 
  162. Throwing your sword never works.
  163. I am not allowed to do anything for the sake of schadenfreude.
  164. New recruits are not target practice.
  165. The Balladeer’s chest emblem is not a target either.
  166. It is not appropriate to cut hair with Hydro scissors.
                166a. Or Hydro knives. 
                166b. Or Hydro anything
  167. “Snezhnaya does not believe in tears” is not a motivational phrase.
  168. I am not allowed to skinny dip in the Memorial Fountain
  169. I am not allowed to write erotic literature of any of my superiors.
  170. I am not allowed to mimic accents to mock foreign diplomats.
  171. Do not criticize the uniforms of the Knights of Favonius.
  172. Slimes are not to be spread on toast and fed to fellow operatives.
  173. Operative Ajax may no longer attempt to teach new recruits to surf down waterfalls. 
  174. Hydroblades are not appropriate replacements for ice skates.
  175. If a song gets stuck in my head, I am not allowed to sing it.
  176. I am not allowed to wear heels taller than the Fair Lady’s.
  177. No geese.
  178. Slimes are not to be kept inside, no matter how cute they look.
  179. My officer’s dress uniform does not have a stomach panel.
  180. Abyss Mages are not acceptable replacements for Fatui elemental buffs.
  181. I am not allowed to make Hydro illusions of recruits’ fears.
  182. Cannons are not a musical instrument.
  183. Putting someone in a maid uniform is not valid punishment for insubordination.
  184. I am not allowed to attempt to make coats out of Abyss Mage fur, no matter how cozy looking.
  185. Pretending to be a creature of myth is not tolerated, no matter how funny it is.
  186. “They had it coming” is not a valid justification for starting a bar brawl.
  187. I am not allowed to claim I have slept with fellow officers’ parents or siblings. 
  188.  Nor will it be tolerated if I actually did sleep with their relatives.
  189. “Peace was never an option” is not an appropriate threat to new recruits.
  190. I can’t organize a gambling ring based on how big the Rooster’s pauldrons are today.
  191. Shouting “Dont fuck with me, I have the power of the Tsaritsa and the Abyss on my side!” is not an acceptable thing to shout in a bar.
                191a. It should also be noted that it is not acceptable anywhere else within earshot of the Fair Lady or the Tsaritsa.
  192. Saying “I can hear you, but I won’t” is not an acceptable response to being repeatedly asked to do something by the Balladeer.
  193. I am not allowed to kidnap because “They’ll give me a good fight.”
  194. Bones, or any objects, from ruins are not cooking ingredients.
  195. My title is Officer Ajax, not Big Brother.
           195a. Nor am I allowed to threaten new recruits with “Big Brother is always watching.” 
  196. At no point in time is making new recruits knife fight appropriate training measures.
  197. Grapefruit is now considered a banned topic of discussion, which is ironically not my fault this time.
  198. “It looks edible” is not an excuse to eat dead mitachurls, nor are the samachurls ‘snack-sized.’
  199. I am not allowed to make tea out of mist grass and serve it to my fellow officers.
  200. Lawachurls do not have a smooth creamy center and we can’t crack them open like a crab.
  201. I am not allowed to switch the labels for the salt and sugar containers for my own amusement.
           201a. For any reason.
  202. I am not allowed to attempt to be a lightning rod during a storm while drunk.
  203. A stab wound is not an extra pocket.
  204. I am not permitted to spike the punch during diplomatic parties.
  205. “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their men” is not an appropriate answer to what my goals are.
  206. Whopperflower saplings are not permitted in any headquarters.
  207. It’s a Ruin Guard, not ‘Mr. Cyclops.’
  208. I am not allowed to sell Mr. Cyclops plushies.
  209. I am not allowed to convince the new recruits that painting and worshipping a picture of the Fair Lady is a sanctioned activity.
  210. Saying “No pain, no gain” is not an appropriate response to getting seriously injured.
  211. We do not discuss the cheese incident.
           211a. Ever.
  212. The response to being told I can’t solo a den of dragons is not “watch me.”
  213. I, Tartaglia, am not allowed to abuse my new Harbinger status.