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He's a Real Nowhere Man

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The door drifts open. Hyung is sitting on the couch, leaning back with crossed arms, almost asleep. He looks up, seeing the growing strip of light soon cover the majority of the floor. It seems that he stayed up waiting all night. Why would he?

 

“Where have you been, Wyld?” Dongho asks him, leaning back again and resting his eyes, “You better stop hanging out all night like this. You’re irresponsible, and I better see you clean your act up soon or we’re going to have a problem.”

 

The other man doesn’t respond. He watches. Dongho scoffs, getting up and passing by, a sneer of contempt, as usual, playing on his face.

 

“Do you even care about MAYHEM?”

 

He is right. Jaewon knows.

 

But there’s nothing he can do about it. It’s just...It’s Wyld. Wyld is the entity, the spirit, the whatever you want to call it, that directs his course of action. He is merely a vessel, his true self pushed out of the control seat and forced to stand by, to play this other role that he hadn’t known he was taking on in the first place.

 

In short, he has no free choices. He has no mind.

 

But Since when has he lost his mind? Since when did he let himself go? His mother, bless her, had always drilled it in him, “Never give up, never stay down when people push you, you must get up again!”

 

So why didn’t he?

 

After all this time, he had been giving himself up for the world. Some people were just born to be doormats, he knew that, but that didn’t mean he had to go, “Oh ok”, resign himself to the toolbox and let himself be that kind of person. Why had he thought that this was the only way?

 

He knows his worth, he always has. It’s the compassion in him, the never-resting concern for his familiars, that pushed him down. He knows that he’s better than this, truly, he deserves better, doesn’t he? With all the shit he’s been put through, you’d think he’d get a little credit, wouldn’t you? 

 

Just for a moment, Jaewon gets a taste of the confidence he had so much admired in his group members. He even feels the urge to march right over to Dongho’s retreating form and slap him, tell him what’s really going on.

 

Jaewon always admired his group mates for that. Each of them, so self-assured in their own ways. Jaewon was never like that, despite how much he knows he’s good for. 

 

Oh yeah. That’s why he’s the one that gives up his life for the sake of the group.

 

Just the way the cookie crumbles.

 

Maybe, in another life with a much more confident version of himself, a world where he’s more like Wyld, he wouldn’t be in this situation. He’d be a prouder person, and he could really prove his worth to the world, couldn’t he?

 

But that’s not him. No, it’s right time for him to return to normal. Here the memories come, whacking him on the back of the head, screeching a collective chorus of “Silly Wyld!” at him

 

Whack , the fans that would spend hours of their day ruining his. But he loves them, right?

 

Whack , CEO Park, who’d always come calling at the worst moments possible. He’s just doing this for the good of them all, right?

 

Whack , MAYHEM, looking down on him with those disapproving, disappointed eyes.

 

Why don’t you see?

 

‘Because there’s nothing to be seen,’ something whispers, ‘You are Wyld.’

 

Jaewon remembers who he is. He’s not Ahn Jaewon anymore, not really. He’s given up his life the moment he smiled and shook their hands and cheered, “I look forward to working with you!”

He’s got a purpose now, given to him because he’s the weakest. And the weakest must make up for their uselessness with extra hard work.

 

That’s just the way it is.