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Space Hair Care

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“Why do we need to take care of our hair in space anyway?” Eiffel asked as he pulled his fingers through his tangled hair, noticeably longer than it was when he left Earth.  “It’s not like there’s anyone around to see it.”

“There are three people around,” Hera said.

“Sure, but like, you and Hilbert don’t have hair so you don’t get to judge, and the Commander won’t be happy unless I give it the ol’ military buzz cut, and really, who wants to do that?  It’ll just grow back and I’ll have to buzz it again.  Part of the point of space is you’re not on Earth and don’t have to care about stuff like your hair, or wearing a shirt, or eating vegetables, or any of that stuff that doesn’t matter and there’s no one here to enforce it.  What are they gonna do?  Arrest me?”

“I feel the need to repeat: Commander Minkowski is here to enforce it.”

“Yeah.  She keeps her hair long, I don’t know why she’s mad at me.”

“Officer Eiffel, you keep playing with your hair like that—yes, like that, right there—and it keeps shedding all over the station and getting in the vents.  It… is a problem.  The Commander keeps her hair braided back for a reason.”

“I—oh.”  He stopped aimlessly combing his fingers through his hair, watched as dark strands loosely curled away in the zero-g.  “… of course I’m losing my hair.  Of course.  Space is the worst.  You know that, Hera?  Space is the worst.

“You could braid your hair.”

“I’d need a hair elastic.  I don’t have any.  …You think Minkowski would let me borrow one?  She has, like, a million.”

“On the one hand,” Hera said, “normally I’d say no, she will never lend you anything again, after you chewed her pen to shreds—”

“In my defense, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”

“—and hid her copy of the Survival Manual in the vents when she was so excited that you were finally showing any interest in reading it.”

“Okay, yeah, that one was on me, but hey she found it, she did find it, because she has some sort of spider-sense for things being out of their perfect place.  So, really¸ no harm, no foul.”

“That’s… one way of looking at it, Officer Eiffel.  But, on the other hand, if you showed an interest in actually taking care of your personal grooming and making sure your hair stopped getting everywhere, I imagine it’s worth a try.  Might show some… personal growth after the Survival Manual incident, too.”

“I definitely don’t have the ability to do whatever fancy braid she does every day, though.”

“Maybe you can braid each other’s hair and talk about boys,” Hera says with a laugh that is definitely making fun of him now.  “From all the movies loaded into my memory banks, isn’t that how it’s supposed to go?”

“God, can you imagine gossiping about boys with the Commander—wait, I’m sorry, you have movies?  You have movies? You have the ability to watch movies and we’ve been stuck watching that same tape of Home Alone 2 over and over?  This is way more of an important topic than my hair—”

“Consider it a compromise,” Hera said.  “Seriously, Officer Eiffel, do something about your hair, and I’ll see what I can do about the movies.”