I felt the same waking up as every morning. Maybe a bit more tired, maybe a bit more weary, but nothing particularly noticeable. I pried my eyes open and groggliy stomped to the toilet. After splashing some hot water on my face I locked eyes with myself in the mirror.
I felt like I wanted to barf. I looked disgusting. I couldn’t draw my eyes away from the wings. They looked so hideous, so ugly, so…
I am unnatural. I am literally a circus freak. If it was the 1800s’ people would pay good money to oggle me. ‘Come see the half dragon half idiot! Only six pence!’ Even though I was alone in the toilet I felt the gaze of all the people who had ever stared at me. All the pitying looks. All the soft gasps. They knew I was hideous, that fleeting moment where they forget I can hear them. The truth in their horror, before they force their eyes to my face and give a guilty look for starring.
God I wish they’d just fucking stare so I wouldn’t have to pretend they weren’t.
I’m hideous. They know it. I know it. I’m DISGUSTING. No one should ever be forced to look at me. Penny won’t touch my tail. Like it might burn her. I don’t blame her though, I wouldn’t touch myself if I had the option.
I was stewing in my hatred, and then I had the most horrible thought.
I’ll look like this forever.
When I’m middle aged and fat, when I’m old and wrinkly.
I’ll always be a freak.
A wet sob comes out of my chest. Silent tears are running tracks down my cheeks. I don’t make a move to dry them.
I can’t. I can’t do this forever. I won’t, I can’t, I-
Can’t look at myself right now.
I run into my room, turn the lights off, and wrap myself in a sheet so I don’t have to look at myself. But it only works halfway. I can still feel them. I imagine a hot knife swiftly cutting them off, it’s a good fantasy, it fills me with a warm bubbly feeling and stops my tears. I’m grateful Baz is at his aunt’s today. Because I don’t know how I could explain to him, or communicate with him what I feel.
I feel alone. So, so, so, alone. I’m the only person that will ever look like me. And I’ll be the only person who had so much magic either (thank god).
I’ll never see another person who looks like me.
My tears start flowing again, and I can’t get them to stop. You can’t get anything to stop life just keeps on moving. Fuck I wanna stop. A bit of morning light comes through my window and I remember what Penny said:
“It’s no big deal Simon no one cares.”
She was trying to make me feel better. And I mean she’s right. No one cares about my wings! Not beyond a ‘oh how strange.’ But I care. I care so much…
Probably too much… But then why does it feel I care a reasonable amount?
Shouldn’t I be allowed to care a little bit? Shouldn’t I be allowed to be unreasonable about the fact I’m a hideous monster?
Baz isn’t attracted to me. He was attracted to who I was before. He fell in love with a normal looking boy over-flowing with magic. Nobody loves me. Nobody has ever loved me. And no one ever will. I’m hideous and disgusting. Why would anyone love me? I wouldn’t love me.
I Make A List
All the People Who Don’t/Didn’t Love Me Or Even Like Because of Course They Didn’t:
My Parents. (should I put them down separately or together)
Everyone in Care
All the Families That Decided to Pass On a Healthy Baby Because Why Would Anyone Choose Me Ever?
The Teachers At Watford (I was such a nuisance to them)
I can’t bring myself to put Baz or Penny on the list so I stop it there. I stopped crying at some point. I’m so tired. I close my eyes and fade away.